#it has merit. it has value. it can literally help you change your outlook

[crowsent]

How do you stay so cheerful? I read your tags and you seem like a funny and happy person. What's your secret?

had this ask for a while and i had no idea how to tackle this. lowkey no idea how you thought i was a funny and happy person from my tags since all i do is bitch about shit but uh. thanks? no idea how you got this impression of me but its very kind of you to say this. so. anyway.

im not cheerful. i havent been genuinely cheerful since the third grade. when i was in fourth grade i was already bitter and cynical and constructed so many walls around myself and my emotions that now, years later, i have no idea how to bring them down. by fifth grade, i became an angry and petty person. by sixth grade i developed trust issues. by seventh grade, i learned how to use humour to deflect everything and ignore the world. i think my first depressive episode was when i was ten. i straight contemplated whether or not i should be alive when i was ten and it only got worse from there.

me trying to be as kind as i can to others doesnt necessarily mean that im cheerful. its just that me being sad and tired and angry does not mean that i can be cruel or unkind to other people. its unfair of me to take out my frustrations about everything in my life on the world, so i try my best to be good and kind and be as respectful and courteous as i can be. the peppy excitable attitude i have is a farce so i dont bring in my negativity onto people who have nothing to do with my issues.

BUT. that doesnt mean that i cant try. people say fake it til you make it and thats what im doing. or trying to. im not actually genuinely happy but trying to keep my spirits up is infinitely better than just stewing in my depression. its a struggle to put on a smile and not say the first cynical thing that pops into my head, but i have to try. recovery is a process. its not a race, its a marathon. and for me, its a marathon with the goal being moved further and further away every so often. but if i dont at least try to run, then im never getting anywhere.

life is shit. for me at least. my depression is painful. i have chronic pains that sucks like a fucking turbo powered vacuum and sometimes i get suicidal ideations and have to lock myself in my room so i dont wander into the kitchen. but that doesnt mean that itll be shit forever. or that itll be bad every day. if today was something conjured from the depths of hell, maybe tomorrow would be good. or at the very least, suck less. so ill pretend to be happy, maybe crack a few jokes, and thatll distract me from the now.

and if my writing or my jokes or the comments i make brings a smile to someones face or makes their day brighter by a fraction or even makes them forget the present, even if its just for a little bit, then good. just because im miserable, doesnt mean that everyone else has to be. if i can make someone smile then im happy.

if youre struggling with depression or anxiety or something in your personal life and looking for a reason to be cheerful, then find a reason. any reason. maybe you have a pet. or maybe you have a fav show or book or something. maybe you have a hobby. maybe you have some friends you promised to hang out with or some chores you need to do or some yoga or singing or whatever. i cant give you a secret way to be cheerful because i dont have one. the method i use for dealing with suicidal thoughts is to lock myself in a room where there’s nothing i can use to hurt myself with and wait for the ideations to pass. that method might make things worse for you. it might not work. i dont know your situation. the only advise i can give you is to keep living. any reason to live is worth it. dont care what the reason is. hope. faith. love. spite. find a reason to live and live. the best i can say is that most of my joy comes from writing so try and find a hobby that you like.

tl;dr: anon. i try to just be as kind and positive as i can be and hope for something good happening tomorrow. kinda got derailed a lil bit there. sorry.

also. i feel like i should mention this.

im not cheerful and im not happy. im just a very good liar.

[docholligay]

Hi, Doc. I am currently struggling with the tone of my thoughts on certain topics, and would like to change it. It's quite the challenge so far. If you'd like to share, I'd love to hear some of the strategies you used to help change your general mindset to a more positive/appreciative one. Thanks!

I'm so glad you reminded me of this because this is a post I keep meaning to make and then not doing it!

I think people have this assumption that I was just born with a cheerful and chipper outlook, and I don’t think that’s true and to some extent, not even fair. I’m sure there IS some quality of inborn brightsidedness to me, but I really do make a distinct effort to try and remind myself of that which is beautiful and good and wonderful about this world.

It can be hard, seeing as we’re kind of living in an age where happiness and positivity are seen with suspicion at best, and as some sort of lie or conspiracy at worst. There’s a wide fucking chasm in between necessary venting on an individual bad day and using negativity as the method through which we connect with other people, which makes finding joy seem like a crime.

ANYWAY

Here are some general tips, from me to you, about turning your face to the sun.

Physical activity!

Nobody ever wants to hear this one, but honestly physical activity is so helpful for getting out of your own head. What this means for you is going to depend dramatically on what your level of physicality looks like now, but you want to be working hard enough that you sweat. For me, that’s a 4-6 mile run. For someone, it might be a long walk or a dance video. I find that I have a few hours of calm and peace in my mind afterwards. It’s been an immense help in coping with my ADHD over the course of my life.

Touch grass

Honestly going outside, especially in the sun, is such a huge game changer. I do it even in the winter. There’s something very relaxing and fulfilling about literally turning your face to the sun. I think sometimes it’s so easy to stay in our houses, but we need to remember that human beings need enrichment to be happy. We need things that keep our minds active, and a change of venue can be so wonderful and helpful. I go outside, like for at least a ten minute walk, every single day, hell or high water.

Tell yourself

We believe the things we tell ourselves over and over again. If we tell ourselves that we’re stupid, even in jest, we start to believe it on some level. Same with telling ourselves we’re ugly, or hard to be friends with, or anything like that. There’s a difference between being candid with yourself and constantly finding ways to tear down not only yourself but the world around you.

It’s easy to make fun of Pollyanna’s “glad game” but I think there’s some merit in it, where you specifically look for something to be happy or glad or thankful for in your life. When I’m walking, I hear the geese go overhead and think about how much I like when they honk in the air. I look at fat bumblebees in the flowers and how much joy they give me. I buy myself clearance grocery store blooms and remark at how lucky I am to be able to bring some specialness and beauty into my home for three dollars. I lie down at night and think about how soft my sheets are and how nice they feel. I goddamn near say shehehiyahu every year when it’s the first day that it’s cold enough to wear one of my lovely thrifted cashmere sweaters that I looked so hard for. There are beautiful things in our lives, small things, and if we cultivate an appreciation of those small things, they become easier and easier to see.

“But Doc, when I’m out, I don’t see fat bumblebees in flowers or--” yeah that leads me to my next point.

Put Down Your Goddamn Phone

Someday, someday, we are going to admit that we can both really enjoy our smartphones and that they can very easily have a deleterious effect on our lives. When you’re out taking that ten minute walk, stop doomscrolling, stop waiting for that hit of dopamine from a flashgame and cultivate a slower, more constant appreciation of things. I know it’s hard! I know! With the baby I can’t have my phone off on Saturdays and holy shit has it been rough not getting addicted to it all over again. That one day a week pause was a game-changer for my mental health and I can’t wait til I can do it again. But just for a little bit, on a walk, notice the small things in this world. Maybe it’s a kid playing ball in a yard, or something, a particularly soft looking kitty in a window, but beauty is there, if we just look. I promise. There are small and powerful delights in this world.

I see things because I’m looking.

You are not helpless

Honestly, living my values to the best of my ability makes me feel happier and more positive. Hopelessness is a huge problem, and so I think it’s better, often, if we stop obsessing about the things we can do, and start focusing on the things we can, and making a bigger, wider, more expansive view of what we CAN do. As most of you know, there’s a bunch of industries and businesses I don’t support, and while I may not be able to stop them, it gives some peace to know I’m not a participant. I cannot fix everything that is broken in this world, but I can argue at City Council meetings about things that directly affect my community, and I can be in my neighborhood committee to try and make my neighborhood better, and I can hold that I hate Christmas but still volunteer for the big Christmas thing they put on for foster kids because that’s HELPING. We are too old for Mr. Rogers “Look for the helpers,” we must become the helpers that children look for, and this, I think, is a thing that can make you HAPPY. I think knowing what you bring to this world can bring a sense of purpose and joy.

If none of this was what you meant to ask, then I’m sorry, but this is generally how I keep myself a better, happier, more cheerful sort of person.