#the fact that these two are gonna go through the most traumatizing experiences of their lives in 1.9...

[please-let-this-work-oh-my-god]

THEY'RE SMILING

[lastwave]

Harry Du Bois, the skills + DID/OSDD coding

a compilation of most of my thoughts on harry as a system (note: i am system im not just like. pulling stuff out my ass)

1. Structural Dissociation Theory crash course

so for this point i'm going to give you a crash course structural dissociation theory (do not use me as a source for ur knowledge on it this is very like. base level and just to establish context)

structural dissociation states that we all start as multiple different facets, and that as we grow up, these facets all fuse into a cohesive personality. however, in DID/OSDD, ongoing trauma proves it safer to NOT fuse these facets and instead develop dissociative and amnestic barriers between them to varying degrees. these facets cope by developing into individual personalities, and if traumatic events persist, the brain may split more personalities to try and cope with this. this gives us two bits of information that i'm going to use throughout this

1. there is no "original", just alters that host for long periods of time and/or identify with the body the most

2. amnestic & dissociative barriers are fluid. in times of rest, these barriers may start to come down between some alters, but not necessarily all.

**NOTE: these are not hard and fast rules and vary from system to system. it's also vastly different if you have Polyfrag DID or Complex DID. since I don't hc Harry as polyfrag or complex tho, i'm not gonna get into that

2. Harry (the system)

so it's pretty easy to establish that harry has a good handful of childhood trauma. being born in a military hospital + town and growing up there means he probably saw and/or heard a lot of death and sickness. we also know his father left based on the logic passive in the measurehead conversation

we also know from the reaction speed passive when you find out your name that harry was born in a time all these were concerns. most likely, hunger, considering how through the game hunger + eating is an undertone w/ harry

we also have the klaasje half-light passive implying that harry's been raped (might not have occurred during childhood, but still a contributing factor to trauma)

my point being bro has enough childhood trauma and then some to create a system.

we also see a LOT of amnestic barriers between harry and the rest of the skills. besides the obvious not remembering anything, we see the skills remembering things that harry doesn't.

for example, EChem remembers that harry took speed some point recently, while harry himself doesn't

we also see that the skills have distinct personalities and opinions separate from each other. shit we've got a communist (rhetoric) and a fascist (endurance) living in the same fucking body. half light is immediately suspicious of everyone and everything while empathy tries to understand everyone even to their own detriment. and volition and echem need a whole post of their own. thats some pretty strong dissociative barriers

3. Harry (the alter)

to be quite honest with you i think harry as we, the audience, know him is a brand new split, an introject* of an old host that has either fused with another alter or gone dormant. he's trying to fill a different harry du bois's shoes- someone he is fundamentally similar to, but is, at his core, not

*Definition from did-research.org: Introjects are alters that are based off of an outside person or figure. Introjects may or may not see themselves as the individual that they represent.

knowing nothing about yourself, even what you look like, is a common feeling for new splits (in our experience). with the high amnestic barriers separating harry from the rest of the system, it makes sense that the first time he is conscious he is totally lost about his own identity, where he lives, or what his occupation even is.

losing facts about basic reality is probably a dissociative response. things the brain knows (see encyclopedia filling in gaps once given a prompt about something like Fillipe the Conquerer) but doesn't want the new host to know for fear of not being able to function.

4. Certain Alters with Functions

some of the skills fall into alter "archetypes" (not all alters will, even in like. real life systems) and im just gonna list them out here:

ones with subtextual backing:

Volition: Caretaker + Apparent Normal Part

Half-Light: trauma holder

Electro-Chemistry: symptom + trauma holder

Authority: protector

Logic: apparent normal part

ones that are just my headcanons:

Interfacing: little

Endurance: ex-persecutor

Inland Empire: ex-caretaker

here ends my post of articulate thoughts, if u have any like. follow up questions feel free to shoot me an ask. might take me a minute tho

[chaotic-iguana]

Hello, I would like to request a story about Joel (no apocalypse) who picking up reader from their workplace. However, as the reader is walking towards the car, she experience a hit-and-run accident or another type of accident (you can choose freely).

Joel, who witnesses the accident becomes extremely panicked and protective during and after reader out the hospital. Joel is deeply traumatized and afraid that something bad might happen to the reader. I need fluff and angst Joel and you are excellent at creating it 🥺💖

thank you anon! you’re so sweet, i really appreciate you and the prompt! im going to make this an installment of the husband! joel verse (introduced in tease)

Borrowed time

Summary: Reader gets hurt, and Joel doesn’t know how to deal with it. (no-outbreak! au)

Wordcount: 1.7K

Pairing: husband joel x f! reader (no use of y/n)

Warning: angst, hurt/comfort, near-death experiences, blood, a little gore, allusions to sex 

masterlist

Your car had broken down last week, so Joel had been dropping you off and picking you up from work. You’d resisted at first, suggested walking or cycling or even the bus - all of which had been met with the same incredulous expression etched onto your husband’s face, an eyebrow raised at you in amusement. ‘As if, honey’ was all he’d snark at you before shushing you when you tried to argue about the fact that this would add an hour and a half to his route after dropping Sarah off in the mornings and  two hours in the evenings, which felt unsustainable for you since your car was at the mechanic’s garage for the foreseeable future. At that, he’d just huff and mumble something about not minding the extra time with you that much, and your heart would just melt again. 

The two of you settled into the new routine fairly quickly; Joel chuckling at your sleepy grumbling in the mornings and getting teased by you when he was grumpier and complaining about his aching back in the evenings. “Too far past your bedtime, old man?”, paired with a shit-eating grin as you watched him scowl and shake his head at you, turning back to the road as his lips twitched ever-so-slightly upwards. Enough for you to make iterations of the same joke every evening, just to watch him fight his smile. 

On a seemingly normal thursday morning, you’d been slightly distracted by a meeting you had with your bosses. The board of directors, actually, and the anxiety was practically crippling you by the time Joel was ushering you and Sarah into his truck. There was just so much that could go wrong, but if it went right, it would result in a massive promotion with a pretty nifty raise and four-day work weeks. Which sounds amazing, but you were sure it would feel even better. A whole extra day? 

Joel rested a hand on your knee to stop its bouncing, the warmth of his palm seeping through your jeans and immediately crushing the wave of nervousness that had been rising in you. “Look at me, sweetheart. You’re gonna crush it. And ‘f for whatever reason you don’t, we’ll go out an’ watch that movie you’d been wantin’ to, even pig out on icecream after. Whaddya call it? Self-care.” His words made you burst out laughing and lean over to kiss his cheek. 

“That actually sounds good. And for the record, I call taking a bubble bath self care, not swallowing five pints of icecream at three am. Like you apparently have the ability to.” He mock-frowned while beaming in the rear-view mirror. 

“Technically honeymoons are to learn new things about each other. Plus, we’d been fuckin’ an’ passin’ out with damn near no breaks f’thirty six hours at that point. A man’s gotta have some fuel to keep up with that kinda pace, no?” He snickered as he glanced at you with a pointed look. To be fair, you had, in fact been fucking till you passed out for the first three days of your trip to Italy, and you’d both only realised how hungry you were when neither of you had the energy to leave the bed. It was three am, and for some inconceivable reason, most restaurants had closed. So Joel had walked into the nearest grocery and just gotten 5 huge tubs of icecream and some waterbottles. While it worked great as fuel, you and Joel had been forced to spend two consecutive days holding each others’ hair back and eating proper meals, because as it turns out, eating four meals’ worth of icecream on empty stomachs does not sit well. 

“Seemed pretty good at keeping up when you fingered me in a full restaurant just because the waiter asked to get some wine for your missus.” You retorted back, shaking your head at how insatiable he’d been, too. It had taken a whole week for the nearl-feral glint in his eyes while referring to you his wife to fade - even then, not completely. 

“Never gonna tire of hearin’ that, you know.” Turning the corner to pull up to your stop, he leaned down for a sweet, slow kiss before leaning back to whisper softly. “You’re gonna do well, baby. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever seen, alright? Don’t you worry about a damn thing.” At your wordless nod, he kissed your forehead. “Go get ‘em, honey.” With nod and a parting greeting, you turn and walked into the building. 

After a long but extremely successful day, you rushed out of work the second your phone buzzed with Joel’s message, practically vibrating with the need to give him the good news. Brows furrowing, you scanned your surroundings looking for his truck. You caught his wave out of the corner of your eye and  returned it with a breathless laugh, striding in his direction and failing to notice the smudge of black approaching your side rapidly. The last thing you saw before your vision went black was Joel’s wide, panicked eyes and the urgency with which he pushed his door and stumbled out. For a second, it felt like you were in the air, limbs flailing. A second of impact; a sharp pain settling in your right leg, before you were out. 

Your eyes heaved open, blurry, and you heaved your head to the side to see Joel holding your hand and stroking your head, tears running down his face. You were lying in the middle of the road, surrounded by a crowd of concerned passengers. Joel’s mouth was moving, but you couldn’t hear him- in fact, you couldn’t hear anything except for a high-pitched tone buzzing in your ear. There was blood on his shirt, and before you could ask whose it was, you noticed it coated your hands, too. Looking down, you caught a glimpse of your thigh, flesh ripped open as bone jut out from its side, just before your eyes rolled back and consciousness slipped from your grasp once again. 

When you woke, it took you far too much effort to wrench your eyes open. Blinking against the painfully blinding lights overhead, you opened your mouth to call someone, anyone, to explain where the hell you were and why the beeping coming from next to you was so damn loud. Even your thoughts were lagging, unable to piece together why you were in this room that definitely wasn’t your own. Images of your previous waking moments flashing in your mind, you felt alarm building in your chest as your breath began coming in short gasps. Suddenly, something in your peripheral vision moved and suddenly Joel was here, his large hand cupping your face as he urged you to breathe. It took a minute - maybe even more- for lucidity to return to your rapidly-spiraling mind, but he stayed unwaveringly calm as he held you patiently and waited for you to come back. 

“W-“ you wince at the dryness of your throat, at how hoarse your voice sounds from lack of use. “What happened?” You tried again, clearing your throat this time. Joel’s soft eyes met yours, lips turned downwards in a frown. 

“Fuckin’ idiot drivin’ a car was on his phone, texting when you started crossin’ the road. Bastard didn’t see ya, and one second you were smilin’ so sweet at me, an’ by the next you were on the floor, bone stickin’ outta your thigh. Closest I’ve ever been to a heart attack.” You could fear fraying at the edges of his voice as you moved your hand up to hold his, cradling it to your cheek. “Asshole drove away, too. Didn’t even get his number plate ‘cause I was so fuckin’ scared for you.” He looked away, tears filling his eyes. 

Reaching out to stroke his jaw, you nudged him to look at you again. “‘M sorry, honey. Should have been more careful. Think I would have gone crazy if I ever had to see you like that.” You murmured, feeling your heart break at seeing Joel this scared, this frantic. He shook his head. 

“Not your fault, baby. None ‘f it, ya hear me? ‘M just so glad you’re okay. Rest up, sweetheart, you need it right now.” You nod, kissing the back of his hand as you lean back in your bed.

The next few days in the hospital go by in a blur, Joel refusing to leave your side for a single minute. His hand is always somewhere on you: holding yours, stroking your face, your hair. Sarah hadn’t come in at your request; you hadn’t wanted her to see you in a hospital bed, unable to move much. When the time to get discharged rolled around, Joel seemed even tenser, his grip on you tighter. It took some time for you to get the cast taken off, which on one hand was an extreme relief, it also meant that you now had to attend regular physiotherapy sessions to regain full mobility. 

The real adjustment, however, was the way Joel would straighten and tense up any time you left home after that. The way he grabbed your hand when you crossed streets; accompanying you even to the pharmacy down the block. At first, it irked you. Then, you realised what he had been through. If the roles had been reversed, you’d want to accompany him everywhere too. His fear was very real and very valid - one of his worst nightmares had just taken place in front of him, afterall, and if all he needed to feel a bit better was to walk you to places you needed to go, then you’d indulge him for as long as it took for him to realise that you were safe. 

It lasted a few months, but as you returned to normal, so did he. Your car came back from the garage, but Joel still drove you. Not because of his fear, or because he had to, but just to revel in that extra hour he got out of it. He’d learned that time was precious, and he wanted to spend every conceivable second of his with you and Sarah. 

hello loves, as always - thank you for reading. comment your thoughts or find me on ao3. stay hydrated and have a great day! taglist: @imherefordeanandbones @theywhowriteandknowthings, @josephquinnswhore AMAZING dividers by @cafekitsune!! absolute god who makes amazing dividers for free! 

[starryletters]

gojo; friends to lovers headcanons!

notes : set in 2006, reader being silly and a bit dense, gojo falls first and you fall just as hard , fluff! suguru and shoko mentioned bc i love their friendgroup🫶

a/n : eep my first (published) piece of writing! im so excited, and i hope people like it!!! this isn't the most polished, but i wanted to start off with something a little more simple ( ◡‿◡ *) anywhoo satoru is the boyfriend ever!

you met him when you joined the jujutsu high second years aka geto shoko and gojo!

and gojo IMMEDIATELY decided to annoy the shit out of you

but like in an endearing way (that's what he thought, at least)

surprisingly, you actually found him funny, and bantering with him back and forth quickly became your favorite part of every day.

he really liked how you were able to keep up with him and how easy it was to talk to you about anything and everything. no matter what he had to say, you had a reply (or an insult) ready to go.

satoru's a really physically affectionate person in general and he was over the moon when you didnt seem to mind how he randomly slung his arm around your shoulder or how he liked to fall asleep with his head in your lap. (i could tie to this whole thing to his infinity and talk about how sad it is for someone that shows love through physival affection to experience smth so traumatic that they put a LITERAL barrier between them and others preventing all forms of touch but..i wont!)

it wasn't anything romantic at first! (i love platonic physical affection, okay?)

but there were small moments where you felt his touch and felt such a warmth in your heart. you had pure adoration for him [and if you ever caught his stare, you would know he adored you the same.]

anywhoo! you always thought he was attractive because i mean, look at him

but you never really saw him as a romantic prospect. at least not until you talked to him and got to know him. which you told shoko later on, and she called you a freak of nature for it because "usually he has the opposite effect on people"

there wasn't really a distinct moment you can remember where you developed feelings for him. the realization totally caught you by surprise!

you were hanging out with your fellow second years after school, and gojo made some dumb dad joke, at which only he laughed (of course), but you glanced at him from the side and his laugh!!! it was so beautiful!!! like, why are you enchanted by this LOSER right now???

either way, that's when you noticed that maybe that feeling you got in your stomach whenever gojo touched you may not have been entirely platonic. horrified and also a teensy bit excited at your discovery you look away and try to make your blushing face cool down. cool, this was definitely gonna ruin one of the best relationships and friendships you've ever had! gojo knew geto and shoko before you, so if you ever confessed, it would probably ruin your friendship with them too! cool, cool, very cool.

of course, that was total bs, but whatever you were anxious at, your newfound feelings and relationships are confusing, and you maybe (definitely) had a bit of tunnel vision in that moment.

after that (like the smart person you are), you convinced yourself that "well. if i just avoid gojo..the feelings will probably go away, right?"

oh, you poor naive FOOL

first of all, avoiding gojo was no easy feat (just ask nanami)

second of all... by the point you realized your feelings, he was already completely WHIPPED for you

"suguru! did you see? she totally looked at me for two seconds longer than usual today!"

"uh-huh"

"she definitely loves me back, dont you think so too?"

"you're delusional."

"you're my best friend! you're supposed to indulge me in my delusions!"

definitely the type to lay on his stomach and kick his feet in the air while thinking about you

and he NEVER shuts up about you

shoko and geto seriously deserve financial compensation for this and are BAFFLED by the fact that you dont notice how lovestruck he is by you?

so as soon as he realized you stopped replying to his texts like you usually did and you didn't sit next to him anymore so he could lean his head on your shoulder, he was devastated

DEVASTATED

like what did he do????? why does the universe hate him??? ( like he isnt the strongest sorcerer ever?)

you thought you were clever for coming up with your "get rid of feelings for satoru" plan

but no. for days now everywhere you were, suddenly there he was.

you didn't give him the silent treatment or anything you just... kept your distance.

well, you tried anyway

man has no sense of personal space.

"i missed you." he pouts, leaning down and placing his head on your shoulder from behind. "we see each other everyday, thats not enough for you?" you replied, trying to remain calm while he was so SO close to you. "we barely saw each other at all yesterday!" he whines. "i was busy -" "no, you weren't." "yes, i was?" "nuh-uh, " your face contorts into a grimace. "seriously, how old are you?" "sev-" "it was a rhetorical question." he moves from his postion behind you and stands right in front of you. if he wasn't so silly looking, you would probably be intimidated by his towering height.

his face turns serious. "you've been avoiding me." he states, a small pout on his lips. shit, dont look at his lips! "eh..uh..what? no, i'm not! that's crazy talk..." you sputter nervously. he sighs, and puts his hands on your shoulders "are you okay?" he's genuinely concerned for you now. damnit why couldn't he be less likeable?! this was really throwing a wrench in your plan.

"i am..i'm just..uh..argh." you lower your head and massage your temple out of frustration. your heartbeat was going a mile a minute. "i didn't mean to avoid you, satoru." you say in a soft tone. a lie, but you couldn't handle telling him the truth. his face brightens instantly. "i'll forgive you if you pinky promise to never avoid me ever again." he reaches out his pinky. "wow, future me is gonna regret that when you get inevitably annoying.." you chuckle reaching out your hand to interlink your finger with his. this was good, this was normal. you felt normal, platonic, and normal feelings. yep. a bright grin spreads across his pretty face. "although.. you might still have to buy me something sweet to really convince me!" of course. "you're the worst." "you love it!" yeah, you do.

okay, plan b. push it all down and focus on your friendship!

you did really enjoy just being his friend after all..otherwise you wouldn't care so much about ruining your friendship!

so things went back to normal sort of...except for the fact that over the next few months, the romantic tension got worse and worse.

you thought it was just you being delusional when he started holding your hand more and more frequently, freuqently bought you small trimkets and gifts( his reason being " i thought of you!") told you how pretty and cool you looked after missions, even with your hair all messed up and uniform askew. you tried so hard not to read into it even though these things were obviously pretty romantic.

satoru thought he was going insane

"i mean??? am i not being clear enough, suguru? am i being too subtle?"

"i dont think the word subtle really suits you, in any situation ever."

at this point, he was close to giving up. maybe you just didn't like him as much as he liked you?

but then! one late summer night!

the first kiss!

which was sort of out of the blue but also not really, since you'd been pining for each other for a while.

he was invading spending time in your dorm room late at night again like he frequently did. he got real chatty at night. you were both sitting on your bed, and his head was leaning against your shoulder, the soft ends of his hair tickling your neck.

it was around mignight, his voice was low and he spoke in a hushed tone.

"..you know? and then he had the audacity to insult nintendo? like sorry you hate fun, loser? anyways my original point was..." he trails off his voice, getting lower and lower by the end. you turn your head in his direction, expecting to find him asleep. instead, your nose almost bumps against his.

his eyes are..so breathtaking this close, with the moonlight reflecting in his sapphire irises. his snow-white lashes flutter as he glances down at your lips. a silent request.

this moment was so full of tender love while still so quiet. you had never felt anything quite like it before. you nod ever so slightly and softly your lips meet eachother. slotting together like two puzzle pieces, it made something click in your brain. suddenly everything made sense.

after a few moments you pulled back. your face felt hot. it was still quiet. gojos thumb rubs over the back of your hand.

he leans his head back onto your shoulder, positively beaming, he giggled "like i was saying.." he starts again the smile still evident in his voice.

an equally bright grin breaks out on your face. he was not even acknowledging the kiss you two shared. but it felt right that he didn't. this moment felt so warm and so much like satoru. there was no more confusion and no words that needed to be said. you both understood what it meant. you both finally understood what you were.

what you failed to consider was telling your best friends. geto and shoko. the four of you were hanging out and gojo had to leave early for another mission, before he leaves he quickly pecks you on the lips (which to be fair surprised you too) before waving and running off. shoko's eyes were practically bulging out of her head, and getos face couldn't decide between a surprised expression and one of disgust. "what. was that." shoko furtows her brows. "uhh..oh! oh." you couldn't exactly pinpoint what you were supposed to say now. how did you forget to tell them? how did GOJO forget to tell them? granted, it only happened last night, but still... you had assumed he spent the rest of the night lying on his stomach, feet kicking, telling geto every detail. "we're dating?" you reply awkwardly. "damn it!" shoko exclaims, and suguru smiles smugly. odd reactions... that's what you thought until you saw shoko pull out her wallet and hand suguru a big wad of cash. "see? i told you they would figure it out before they turned 25." he chides.

thank you for reading!!! and i hope you liked it! im not sure about this formatting (w/ the tumblr bulleted list. it's like not spaced apart enough, yk?) anyway! im open to constructive criticism, but please be nice im sensitive LOL (ﾉω･､)

[lover-of-mine]

could you please tell us more about why you think chris would freak out? 😊

Okay, I have been thinking this since 4x08 with Chris freaking out about the idea of Eddie dating in general. But the bottom line is, Chris has a delicious shade of abandonment issues. Eddie wasn't there when he was a baby, Shannon left, and then she died, his grandparents were as constant in his life as his mother and now he only sees them every once in a while, Isabel was constant in LA but she's back in Texas now, you can even make an argument that he felt left by Buck during the lawsuit, because while I do think Eddie was hiding behind Chris to say he missed Buck, Chris was attached enough to Buck to feel the fact that Buck suddenly disappeared a for a while (I like to believe Buck showed up at the house with a pile of legos and a bear like the one they won before the tsunami after, but, well, from a kid's perspective as month is a year, it might've been enough to create something there anyway), especially with everything that had happened to Christopher that year, Shannon dying, the tsunami, Chris worrying about Eddie's state of mind, Chris was at the barbecue and we have no idea what he saw or didn't see about Buck throwing up blood, so he had enough traumatic experiences in quick succession to do something to his brain before he was even 10. We also have a layer to play with if the show decides to go there, but the long-term effects of lockdown on a child were a lot more intense than in someone with a fully developed brain because their lives shut down and they didn't have the tools to deal with it and a child needs the interaction with other people and they were not getting that, and if adults struggled with it, imagine how a 10 yo with a first responder parent who couldn't stay with him felt, ykwim? We see that manifesting in season 4, Chris is scared that dating means leaving, he thinks that Eddie bringing someone into their lives just means someone else who will leave him. And we saw at the beginning of the season that he still believes that to be true. He has that moment of it's okay to play around because it doesn't matter if they love you, they will leave anyway. Chris most likely doesn't remember most of life in Texas with Shannon, and even when he's old enough to understand the circumstances around Shannon leaving, it will still have scarred him forever. And that kid has lived through one parent dying, the other in a hospital when he wasn't allowed to visit due to covid, and a constant safe adult he literally saw in a hospital bed. It doesn't matter if the show ever states Buck in a parental position for Chris before he becomes "stepdad Buck", Buck is one of the two safe adults Chris runs to in a crisis, exemplified by the way even though he's being raised by two first responders, his instinct when Eddie had his breakdown was not to call 911, it was to call Buck. We have enough to speculate that yes, Chris sees Buck as a parent in some degree, but we do know for a fact that Buck is an adult Chris trusts.

So, we have Chris with the mother of all abandonment issues of the show, which is saying something considering who he's up against, we have Eddie and Buck being the two constants when it comes to adults, and just the general concept of safety that he has had in the past few years, so Eddie and Buck are the two people Chris is scared the most to lose, Eddie for obvious reasons, and we see that reflected with Buck with him forcing Eddie and Carla to let him visit him so he can beg Buck to come back. But Chris is also watching both Eddie and Buck FUMBLE through romantic relationships. Like, they are BAD at romantic relationships, and, like, even Taylor was brought into Chris' life and then vanished, I'm not saying he got particularly attached to Taylor, but she was in his house, she lived with Buck, for an 11 yo that's as serious as it's gonna get, and then that ended too. So what Chris is picking up here is that romantic love means people leaving. Like, that was literally the conclusion he reached on his own when it came to dating. He understands that Shannon loved them and that there was love between Eddie and Shannon, but he only thought about the way she left that love. We also have everything about Marisol. Everything about her is about babysitting Chris, so he has a decent relationship with her, and she was moving in. I doubt that Chris didn't know that, but that's another development that got canceled and we know Marisol is not here to stay, so yet another relationship Eddie completely fumbled.

So take all that and put it next to the idea of Eddie and Buck becoming a couple. We know buddie is endgame. We outsiders with all the information watching as all-seeing gods waiting for them to just get their shit together know that when they get together, there's no separating them, that's it. Chris doesn't know that. He knows he loves Eddie. He knows he loves Buck. He knows none of them ever managed to make a romantic relationship work. And he thinks that romantic love means leaving. So Eddie and Buck dating means losing Buck. The only conclusion Chris is gonna reach here is "Buck is gonna leave" so he's gonna freak out. He's a teenager. Half of being that age is feeling things too intensely and the other half is reacting as intensely. He reacted like that to the idea of Ana and it wasn't even about someone he knew yet. Chris having The Tamtrun about Eddie dating someone he loves makes perfect sense. Because Chris doesn't know what a successful relationship looks like, sure, there are his grandparents, but he's not around them enough, and even then his grandfather travels a lot for work anyway so what would he have seen when he was kid, and a kid learns love from their parents. Eddie and Shannon were a disaster from Chris pov. They loved each other but she still left, so what does it take for a relationship to work? Because isn't it the thing we teach kids with fairytales and stuff? That love conquers it all? But he understands enough to know that's not true. Chris may know Buck and Eddie love each other in some degree, the same way he knows he loves Buck, and the same way he knows Buck loves him, but the instinct there would be to fight the change in their relationship because he doesn't want Buck to leave. If everyone Eddie or Buck dated disappeared from his life, what's stopping Buck from leaving him if they break up? Most likely scenario is that he would get big mad at Buck because the change in the dynamic will trigger his abandonment issues, and he's 13, so he's not gonna be rational about it. And that would create some interesting tension in the way that when Chris is mad at his parents, he opens up to Buck, if he's mad at Eddie and Buck, who is he gonna open up to? This is absolutely the type of thing that would make their dynamic stronger in the long run, but it would take a minute for Chris to get to the point where he's ready to talk about the fact that he's scared of the change, it would even take him a minute to probably get to that conclusion himself, because again, the horrors of being 13 are real. Chris himself might struggle to figure out why does the idea make him mad. And Buck and Eddie can't reassure him if they don't know what's wrong. They can't promise they won't break up either. So how do they navigate that?

Because Chris is the priority, they would never do anything that would hurt Chris intentionally, but I also think they would be like "I don't want to break up because he's mad" because that would be proving Chris' fear that they won't stay together right. And I kinda think this is the only route they can go with Chris' reaction because this isn't some "my divorced parents are getting back together" situation, Chris has no reason to hope for Buck and Eddie to get together, so I don't see how he would've already processed that. Sure, if they had gotten together when Chris was 10, he probably would've been a lot more chill about it, but Chris as a teenager? He's gonna freak out. That's literally the only logical conclusion here. And considering the beginning of the season, and the way he was handling dating, AND the way he opened up about it to Buck, all the pieces for that to happen are on the table. Buck has a relationship with Chris outside of Eddie, and obviously, Buck and Eddie are, yk, *motions vaguely* but actually getting Buck and Eddie together would add tension to the existing dynamic between the 3 of them. And it is a way to add conflict to buddie without adding the idea that they don't love each other or don't know how to handle the switch or might not be good at being a couple, because navigating this situation would just prove how solid they are. It's all there. The question is if they are gonna go for it or not.

[dangermousie]

The dinner from hell is even more !!! on rewatch. I mean, it's not even his birthday, it's the birthday of the real Baek Hee Sung, the serial killer who tried to bury him alive in his family garden. That's a hell of a thing.

And you totally get this time why the unparents are sitting like aliens - their actual son is in a coma in the back room of their house and they have to celebrate the birthday of the imposter they acquired so as to keep their veneer of respectability - this story is so very much about seeming versus being - that is why Ji Won is both the audience stand in and the driver; she's the one character who sees through that because she believes only what she sees and not opinions, words, shibboleths. She observes and draws conclusions. Like the unparents are so wedded to their idea of being respected and properly regarded by the word they went on this insane plan because otherwise it would be to admit their precious son was a deranged serial killer who killed god knows how many people and for the time being ended his career by braining a random man and trying to bury him alive in the backyard. That is objectively an insane risk-reward calculation and could have gone very differently for them if Do Hyun Soo was the psychopath everyone accused him of being. BUT!!! Appearing Respectable is their God.

The narrative is all about how that sort of thing covers all sorts of horrifying behavior and motives. The one person in this narrative who unflinchingly admits to himself and believes he's a monster is, ironically, Do Hyun Soo, who except being a traumatized psychopath magnet, hasn't done anything truly wrong in his entire life. I mean I will never be over the fact that we find early on that his and his sister's guardian subjected him to horrifying regular public exorcisms and got the whole town to believe he was possessed by evil and it was bad enough he literally started seeing/hearing his dead father and near the end of the drama we find out it wasn't because the old man was prejudiced/superstitious/whatever but it was all about money.

(Or think about the shrink who diagnosed a kid with serious PTSD with antisocial personality disorder - because he didn't have the right background and she clearly just rubber stamped whatever came to her head in light of her prejudice over his parentage and peaced out. That helped wreck his whole life but she is gonna go through her whole existence not thinking about it. When FL actually screams at her later on, it's one of the most satisfying drama moments mmmm.)

Gotta say, I do feel bad for the unmother on rewatch. She actually did brain her own son when she witnessed him in the process of murder and saved the ML. I get why she's not warm and fuzzy towards him. Unfather persuaded her into this masquerade but at least there is something human in her.

Eun Ha is so adorable! I remember during the airing there was a wiiiild theory floating around that she's the true psychopath manipulating everything (which never made sense since she's 5, not even the biggest psycho could do that at that age) but nah, she's just a sweet, loved, well adjusted little girl. It honestly is the best testament to DHS not being any of the awful things he's accused of being - he's the primary parent and he's the one raising her (there is a very flipped 1950s marriage dynamic with the two with JW with her crazy schedule and all that being a loving parent but not one who really does much childcare at all) and look what an utter delight she's turned out to be. He's given her a childhood utterly unlike his own with basically no guidance of his own experience for it.

It struck me on the rewatch that whether he genuinely loves it or not, he'd always say that as part of his "must be perfect husband" thing. I mean, plenty of totally emotionally healthy people will love something just because it came from a loved one because of what it signifies when otherwise they wouldn't, but it's always a balancing act fot DHS as to whether it's that (healthy) or his not really allowing himself anything but perfection in front of her because he genuinely cannot function without her so he'd do anything to make her pleased. I think after the end of the narrative, one of the good things is he gets to discover fully and at his own pace and in a loving environment what it is he actually likes for himself in every respect.

Knowing it's not his name, this second is something else.

This drama is gonna get me writing reams this time around too.

[arpmemething2]

Full House Sentence Starters

Send one for my muse’s reaction.  Feel free to change pronouns as needed.

"Gee, your hair smells like melon. What are you using?"

"Why thank you!"

"Don’t say it if you don’t mean it."

"No way, Jose!"

"She signed up for Shop Class cause she thought it was taught at the mall."

"We have this thing here in America called a restraining order"

“I guess we’re not as old as we thought we were, are we now”

"You don't have to be hip and cool. You're spick and span."

"I hope you're not offended. But if you are, that's her father over there."

"Darling, I just hope you are alright. But if you are alright, I'll kill you."

"You got it, dude."

"The baby's sleeping like a baby."

" Did ya get the triple chocolate with pink frosting in the shape of a clown's face with a big cherry-red nose? Did ya, did ya, DID YA?"

"I'm just cleaning my rubber gloves."

"She had the most incredible hypnotic eyes, the face of an angel, the most amazing body."

"You got a bad attitude."

"I can't have chicken pox, I'm immune."

"That's not a big problem. A big problem is like... well... if your butt fell off."

"You've been in toon-town for 2 days. Now, start acting like a human being."

"Cut. It. Out!"

"Talk to me."

"You're immune to common sense."

"Disco will never die."

"Shame on you!"

"Duh!"

"You should take a drive through a car wash without your car."

"I'm stuck in a room full of eggheads. They're worse than eggheads, they're omelette-heads!"

"Well, pin a rose on your nose."

"Oh, puh-lease!"

"How rude!"

"Don't shake your head. Your story's read. It's time for bed. To bed, I said."

"I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you... Only you're not joining in."

"Jail break!"

"Now you can have ice cream and chocolate milk, no cookies."

"Elvis never made one golf movie."

"Boy, this is gonna be a fun night."

"Tell me something I don’t know!"

"This kid has been walking for three days and you haven't stopped taping her. I'll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training."

"She was choking on a bad piece of cheese, so I gave her the Hoover maneuver and sucked it out of her."

"'Sorry.' 'Sorry.' 'Sorry' doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined!"

"I had a traumatic experience with squash once. I ate one."

"Aw, nuts!"

"Have mercy!"

"You gotta be kidding."

"A telescope that can only see your face?"

"I think you're a little mixed up."

"We never clean at my house. We move in, trash the place for five years, then move out."

"Yeah, well I bet you won't be getting surprised tonight."

"You can't buy my vote... but you can rent it for an hour."

"I’ll stay home and watch public television."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Whoa, Baby!"

"Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid ever had?"

"Oh, mylanta!"

"I tried, and I failed. I'm just glad I figured this out now, and not when I'm 46."

"Hey, you had your adventure and now I'm going to have mine"

"Watch the hair!"

"You. Are. Not. Welcome!"

"I am stoked! Whatever that means."

"Who wants white meat? Scratch the white meat. We have dark meat and really dark meat."

"You have the brain of a paramecium."

"I am not and I'm telling you said that."

"Hey, I thought we were going out for ice cream."

"I need that cake!"

"You’re in big trouble, mister."

"You can keep the drums, but the sticks have got to go."

"Like on 'Oprah!' People married to two people at the same time… oh my god, They are a botanist!"

"Happy birthday to me!"

"That’s not funny."

“I will never die”

[sevensoulmates]

i don't see eddie getting his own queer arc i think for one it'd be repetitive. i think for eddie it's simply gonna be the realization that he's in love with his best friend. buck will be the experienced one of the two so it's not bling leading the blind.

I respectfully disagree. Personally, I don't think it'll be repetitive if Eddie gets his own queer realization arc, because both of them have two different experiences with queerness.

Technically diving into my own headcanon here, so fair warning but I personally (IN MY PERSONAL INDIVIDUAL SINGUALR OPINION (I hate to use disclaimers here but I'm not trying to get accused of biphobia here)) view Eddie as a repressed gay man. I don't believe he is truly attracted to women (at least romantically, sexually is another story but then I'd have to dive more into demisexuality which I don't plan to do here). Anyway.

Buck's experience with coming out would be as a man who has always been happily attracted to women and will find out that he is attracted to men IN ADDITION.

For Eddie, if he were to get a queer realization arc, I think it would be vastly different from Buck's because he wouldn't be realizing he likes men as well as women, he'd be finding out that not only does he like men, but he hasn't actually been in love/attracted to any of the women he was with in the past (and that includes Shannon, and NO I will NOT be elaborating on that). I think that this will end up triggering a whole huge overhaul of Eddie's view of himself, his entire life, his family, and his marriage, and I think it will bring him a lot of guilt. Eddie's not the kind of person just to be like oh guess that's why I never was into sex with Ana or Marisol whoopsies and move on. Man is gonna feel GUILTY. That's what he's programmed to feel in response to everything.

I was telling a friend that I bet you ANYTHING Eddie is gonna resist something with Buck out of some backward loyalty to Shannon. Like "No, I can't be gay. Because that means I was using Shannon." No honey you were not. You were just deeply deeply repressed and traumatized.

For me, an Eddie queer realization arc would be an entire deconstruction of every single thing he's ever believed himself to be. Which would be vastly different from Buck realizing he's bi. Buck's bisexual arc will likely come with its own bisexual-specific issues.

I also want to say that even if Eddie did come out as bisexual like Buck (and I would be 100% okay with that happening in the show) I think it's quite diminishing to say Buck AND Eddie both getting queer realization arcs would be "repetitive" because the fact of the matter is that every queer person has a different experience.

More than likely, if Eddie figures this out later than Buck, then yes, Buck will likely be the one most experienced. And I do agree that it's unlikely they'll have Eddie realize he's queer in the exact same way Buck does (ie jealousy over a 3rd guy, etc) but I do think there's a strong possibility of Eddie having his own queer arc. Maybe in season 7 in tandem with Buck, or maybe later in season 8.

Either way, I need people to get off this whole "stop rehashing past stories", "I hate characters making the same old mistakes" or "get off the hamster wheel" train. What I like about 911 is that despite the somewhat unrealistic disasters and calls, and somewhat over-the-top drama at times, the actual character journeys they tell are true to real things people go through. And in real life, people exist in cycles, and that's not always a bad thing.

[monards]

Currently obsessed with thinking about Rhine and Alice meeting as teens... Alice watching her friend growing older and older than her until the cataclysm. Then she caught up to her... And then started surpassing her.

As much as it hurts her, she's long accepted that losing friends quickly is part of being around humans, but she never expected to have to be the first to die, and she knows rhinedottir won't take it as well as she would've.

(there are two wolves inside of me one wants to spoil rhinedottir and see her happy and the other one wants to see her break)

anon. oh my god. ANON WHO HURT. WHOM/. WHAHT AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i had to take a like. 15 minutes break after getting this, it hurt me so bad. but. we're back now.!!!!!!

I think the ambiguity around both rhine and alice's pasts is what makes them so fun.,,,, but oughhh boy does this take the cake. oh my god. head in hands as i scream.

I'm always sosooo weak to the growing old trope,, and this is just repeatedly stabbing and twisting blades into my heart. i think one of the most horrific things about the curse to me is ALWAYS gonna be the fact they're just stuck in time. they're always gonna be the same,, they can change their style, or whatever,, but they're always gonna be the them they were at the cataclysm... and the way that contrasts SO much which Alice and her almost ever changing enviornment,,, oh fuucjkkkk. Rhinedottir is her constant. Somebody shoot me in the head. I can't even BEGIN to imagine how horrific it'd for Alice to be the only one changing. for once. If they had meet as teens,, i wouldn't doubt Alice would've already been preparing to lose rhine (assuming that, if elves have 'elongated lives' that means they age weird or whatever that entails, and she would've already been through a few things by then to warrant her being a little more. well thought out) and then out of nowhere, after all this mental prep. everythings flipped upside down. and bam. she's not gonna lose rhine; rhine's gonna lose HER. Considering how sympathetic Alice clearly already is,,, that would've messed her up SO bad. oughhh boy i can't even imagine how unhealthily attached in some ways rhine could've grown during the cataclysm itself,, since when literally everything you have and loved is ripped away from you when you're hardly even a fully grown adult by then, i wouldn't blame if she sort of grew into thinking of Alice as the one thing she still had; so i can't even imagine how SHE'D react finally letting it sink in that Alice wasn't gonna be there eventually. ^ And if this actually WERE the case in canon sense (which. for my mental health im desperately gonna pretend it isn't.) ,, it'd make soo much more sense why Albedo goes to Alice with a letter, instead of Rhine communicating herself. Her trying to distance herself from Alice... because she's scared to lose alice while loving her and having her be sooo engrained in Rhinedottir's routine.. so she's trying to distance and separate herself... oughhh boy.

I'm. The entire second paragraph too,,, just about Alice herself being used to it, but not Rhine,,,, it's gonna KILL me. This is reallllyyyy feeding into my rhinedottir-humanization rants,, but dear god does it have to be horrific to experience every thing that humans were never designed to; and only adding to that list of scarring traumatic events its like, hey!!! you know the person you love???? who you sorta prepared to be with for the rest of your life?? well BOY do i have some news for you!!! -- and that makes me. So sad. so indescribably sad. Because realistically,, the average person can only go through SO much. And considering the fact I doubt rhine has really anybody who cares for her in that regard- especially after celestia effectively antagonized her to hell in back, and stuck a big red "sinner" sticky note on her head- i doubt she ever WILL again.,,, so uoghhhh her losing Alice... my heart... she'd be so fucked up after that. Like if anyone thought she went bonkers after elynas and durin got destroyed,, boy do they have something to learn. Especially with how embedded Alice is in her life already as much as she may not FULLY realize it,, they literally have a FAMILY. imagine how horrific it'd be for her to watch klee grow up, and then die too.??? the last part of alice in this world. gone. Oh my god. JEsus CHRIST. I can't emotionally recover from this idea head in hands.

anon you've officially ruined my mind. I will be thinking about this for next week. month. year. the rest of my life, actually. I will lay on my death bed and SOB over this. Thank you

[upsidedowngrass]

you ever think about how, on top of the other assorted traumas the main cast had to endure, they now have to deal with the fact that they know what the afterlife is like, and it sucks?

i DO and i think about it a LOT!!!

as is. probably expected. i think abt it the MOST wrt liam. because the way i see it, he does NOT like dying at all and he also KNOWS what it Really looks like. he KNOWS that theres nothing actually there, and all he knows of the waiting room is 1. a radio that is basically a device that is most likely to just get you killed, and 2. if you dont use the radio, you are trapped Forever. thats. not a pleasant way to view what awaits you

i actually think that eventually the waiting room would come to look like Something for liam years later once he gets home, and that it just looking as it truly is to him largely has to do with the immediate traumatic experiences he was going through all the times he saw it (something something, the waiting room showing you what you want or something you miss etc, but him not having anything to go off of because hes not thinking of much and is a bit detached from the stuff he COULD be thinking about, blah blah blah. my ideas on what determines if you see smth ARE a bit rough bc its so vague tho i also tend to think it has smth to do with if you were 'supposed' to die at that moment, like how stones knowledge of stuff clearly favors certain events over others. its hard to explain and i dont wanna derail this post. its not completely relevant) and that, once he Dies dies itll be Okay! but i think the fact that he knows what the waiting room can be at its worst would probably assume that, when he dies, everythings gonna suck for ETERNITY and id. imagine that is a very haunting thought process to have. i think death scares him a LOT because of this (he SAW julien, and i think the idea of that happening to him and no one ever helping , since it was so unlikely for julien to be saved anyway) and its. probably one of many things hes gonna HAVE to work out in therapy or smth . the guy went through TWO situations where he was trapped somewhere for Possibly Forever, the idea of that being what hes doomed to experience For The Rest Of Time is probably Not Pleasant and Not Helped by his other trauma

the other characters i think have a very different view of it, but not necessarily in a 'better' or 'worse' way . but its because all of them DID see soemthing in the room (or in amelias case, likely wasnt there long enough to even know WHAT she was looking at, let alone assess it.). bryce eventually saw it for what it was yeah, but he def KNOWS what it Can be. for bryce, then, i think its also. complicated? because it seems to be a tipping point for him in the series. and i think its because, when things go wrong and theres no Direct Person To Blame, hes like. almost sluggish? idk how to describe it, its almost similaar to how liam responds to things being fucked up, but feels fundamentally different, and hes just kinda There. if i had to guess, that has to do with his preexisting trauma and how he responds to it, but he generally comes across as if hes in shock the Whole time. the fact that he Died, For Real is uncomfortable to him, but it doesnt seem to mean Much wrt what the room is Showing him. i think the fact that its 'not real' is irrelevant, and i think thats ALL him. because its the exact thing he would Want to be real. id imagine its very dreamlike. and most people jsut Go Along with things in their dreams

even when he comes to see the room as it is, it seems to have more with the fact that him and liam had to work together for a WHILE. we dont know how long they tried to get to stones world (other than that they were killed More than 20 times), but its safe to assume they Didnt realize theyd be able to get BACK home (given bryces surprise at teh san francisco note). so when they actually find stones world its like. bryce DOES care abt liam, and has the whole time (with him going up the smokestack being the biggest indicator. 'i want my car keys back,' as many have pointed out is. a reason, but an obvious excuse). the notes ARE saying something, texty JUST found something important. but liam is upset to not have gotten ANYTHING out of dying 20 times, and while bryce was mostly just Going Along before, now it seems like theres an Actual possibility they could stop airy because they just DID, and liam DOESNT notice it??? and i think, then, his primary goal becomes something the room cant replicate, not really (side note, that we dont see what bryce sees because its a Show. and i think many people assume Right when texty brought them back that he saw it was. but i think it Stopped showing the suburbs AS he was talking to liam, hence the surprise! i imagine it was visually similar to when a setting changes in a dream. but thats not important to this post). from here, he doesnt seem more OPTIMISTIC, but it seems like hes more. content? determined? which i imagine has to do with 'thought he was dead Forever, and was in shock' -> 'thought he was dead Forever, but might be able to help the other contestants! which is good!' -> 'hes NOT dead forever. but like. he STILL can help them!' which i think is a weird combo of Good News and a New Goal RIGHT after smth Super Fucked Up

anyway, the conclusion that tangent was supposed to visualize is that. i think the waiting room might be. mostly positive to bryce??? but in the same way someone might think positively of something saving them from smth fucked up. like that isnt to say the bryce likes it but i think its a complex appreciation?? im not sure. he talks a lot abt how he doesnt want to throw everything away Again, and i think the waiting room almost Contradicted everything about that? like. dying SHOULDVE been the end of everything. but it??? wasnt??? it ultimately didnt help anything substantially, but like. he went through All That and came out alive, somehow? endorphins were probably also at play

but then also it DID lead to him dying 20+ times. so its certainly not just positive for him. but i think overall this would make how he feels about the waiting room. pretty complex? and probably confusing for himself. given that he saw it as it was for a relatively short amount of time, and the two didnt take too much time trying to figure out WHAT the room even WAS, i dont think itd be easy to connect everything together. and it wouldnt be unreasonable for him to assume that itd be the suburbs if he ever went back, or that if it WAS that orange and pink place, maybe thats not fully bad? but eeither way, itd certainly be disorienting to think about. i think the idea of it not having been Real would be confusing and maybe a bit upsetting, but he doesnt strike me as caring TOO much if its 'real.' though i think the idea of spending the rest of existence in something Fake would also be. unnerving

charlotte also definitely saw Something. its never clarified WHAT, but the fact that she saw something is Clear. and i think shed probably be affected by it in a more subtle way, because she NEVER saw it as it was. as far as she knows, when she died, she was shown something (and likely someone) that she wanted to go to, so i think shed see it as mostly a positive place. a very desirable place to be!!! but that has little to do w how shed feel abt dying itself. because i think the idea of death not being smth Bad would be comforting, but also the act of dying itself would be the unsettling in itself. that, and the fact that she can be brought back Easily, potentially. which ALSO isnt necessarily negative but also i think would be Weird to think about. that you can be somewhere great forever, for the rest of existence, but at any moment that place could be taken away. Really, its not that much different from the trauma of the plane (though, given her life beforehand, the idea of being taken from someplace definitively Good might be more unique to her having died) but its likely smth that would Still impact her

amelia then is the most complicated to figure out out of the four? bc we dont even know how much she SAW. it likely wasnt MUCH but like. she seems to know she Died, at the very least, and knows how temporary it Can be (however unrealistic that may seem) . as such i think her feelings on the waiting room are probably hazy, and what ideas she DOES have are closer to charlottes. most of what she knows about it would likely be based around what the others tell her. really, for amelia, i think the more haunting aspect is the Dying part. i think it affects her sense of self, and that having been brought back partially Didnt happen. that amelia died, and scenty was respawned. as such, i think the waiting room COULD be a negative concept for her, but only on account of it having been the last thing that the idea of amelia probably ever saw. that, or the first thing the idea of where scenty begins starts. just a extremely brief glimpse into somewhere dreamlike, and then a huge shift in self. i think post canon this feeling of having Died lingers a LOT, and what would haunt her about the afterlife has more to do with the idea of ANOTHER loss of self. which would also have to be smth Worked out in therapy or smth of that nature

basically i think they all would have verrry different thoughts on the waiting room , but even those among them that dont have a completely negative view of it wouldnt necessarily see it positively. and i think itd suck for them . SO bad. but i think someday it would maybe suck a little less!

[acupofbullshit]

The ugly, ugly truth of a stone to the heart.

“Even on my worst days, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Because I loved you… I swore I’d love you until my dying day.”

Ladies, theybies, gentlemen and kinfolk alike gather round, Gather round!

For I have quite the tale to tell you.

It’s a cautionary true tale of tragedy, heart ache, heart break, love, loss, kindness and a lesson in why empathy isn’t always the best policy.

Our story spans the better part of a decade and… none of it’s enjoyable.

The people in this story are extremely real and is based entirely on fact, truth and genuine circumstance; that being said please do not take it upon yourself to absorb this traumatic situation to make it your own or to use this as a shield to hide behind your own feelings for the situation and the people involved.

If you care too greatly for those involved and you simply want to stay away from the details or would rather live a Schrödinger’s lifestyle I implore you to back out now, stop reading and call it a night… that’s enough social media for tonight.

If not, please read on.

To start I’ll answer some questions as I usually do.

Q. Why are you doing this?

A. I’ve been hounded relentlessly for it on NGL and there’s a character limit there so I figured if you really wanna know so bad? here we are.

Q. Why do you feel the need to do this?

A. Two reasons

1. He’s gonna say I’m crazy and hide the truth so might as well actually be crazy and spill the beans

2. I’ve accidentally opened a door to social media where some of you feel genuinely entitled to the details of my personal relationships and the damage is done.

Q. Will you share your life openly on social media in the future?

A. Maybe… maybe not.

If this experience has taught me anything it’s you really cannot trust the people around you and sometimes you need to trust that the universe knows details you don’t and hears conversations you can’t.

If the circle needs to close, let it close.

It doesn’t matter how much you love them or how badly you want things to change.

Q. Does the other party know you’re sharing these details?

A. Probs not, hey? But I also don’t care?

Not once did that man think about me or our children at any point through his indiscretions… so… 🤷‍♀️

Q. What happens if your kids read this in the future?

A. I’m extremely honest with my girls and they’re already aware of the important details and this is a lived experience for us all.

I’m not sharing aaaaaaaaalllll the traumatic shit because… I don’t want to relive that? Just the relative need to knows.

trigger warnings in effect for infidelity, abuse, anger, sadness, depression, miscarriage and everything else that feels like anguish.

Are you ready kids?

Because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride…

“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace”

Let’s take you back 10 years. It’s 2014, MH370 Is missing, Ebolas a problem, Vine is popping off and Fancy by Iggy Azalea and Charli XCX is taking the world by storm.

I’m a newly single 21 year with 2 kids under 3 and my friends are trying to set me up with a cute boy they knew who, I was CERTAIN wasn’t interested in me.

The boy could barely look at me without frowning and when I tried to speak to him he always looked like he was in pain. There was no way he liked me… and yet he was asking me on a date.

He was a little younger, lots of fun and very handsome… and also NINETEEN. And he didn’t have kids of his own. And liked to party. And he didn’t finish school. And he couldn’t drive and he didn’t have any responsibilities and he had his whole life ahead of him… why on earth would this man chain himself to a woman with 2 young children?

Trading in Kesha and Skrillex in dark rooms overflowing with booze and dimly lit with lasers for Peppa pig and Disney movies on the couch illuminated with a nightlight and a 3 years olds giggle… not the most ideal trade for a young man and yet still, he promised he wanted it.

He wanted a family, a life, a house full of love and children of his own someday.

“Even if it does work out and he actually likes me it’s a recipe for disaster … this is a bad idea” I thought to myself.

10 years later I kick myself for not trusting my instincts and hate the fact that, like always, I was right.

Ok I’m not always right.

Once I thought there were 100 seconds in a minute and 60 centimetres in a metre... yeah yeah, I know. I KNOW.

But I am always right about PEOPLE. who they are, how they act as their true selves and their core motivations.

When you’ve been through enough trauma to madden a small army you get pretty good at seeing things for what they are… and even better at delusionally pretending you can’t and especially so when love is involved.

Back to the story.

Time wore on and we were happy... Mostly.

Or at least we were right up until our first major hurdle as a couple… infidelity.

The genius accidentally showed me someone’s nude photographs on his computer while trying to open an anime for us to watch.

How was it handled?

He said I planted it there to make him look bad and that I was trying to set him up.

Listen, I’m crazy… but I’m not INSANE.

I dye my hair pink on a whim and drive interstate for a meal. I’ll laugh so hard at a seal screaming at a traffic cone I’ll accidentally trigger a panic attack.

See? Crazy, but not insane.

Naturally I rebutted and refuted his claims but he doubled down which is when he learned gaslighting was an effective tool to weaponise against someone with admitted lapses in memory.

Yes, you can start cringing now. It only gets worse from here.

We hadn’t even hit our first anniversary before the cracks were well and truly embedded and they ran DEEP.

And I stayed. Stupidly, because I thought somehow I DID somehow plant them there or it WAS somehow my fault.

What if it WAS an old photo that he just happened to have saved to his desktop that he forgot about? Benefit of the doubt right?

Wrong. WRONG.

I look back on that poor young gullible woman and I’m filled with rage. He’s nice, sure but he’s not worth the thousands of dollars in therapy and the years of happiness lost.

Stacey, you should have run. Got out clean! Dodged a bullet!

It doesn’t matter if there was another failed relationship, this wasn’t on your hands you don’t have to prove you can outlast something out of spite anymore.

BUT I DIGRESS.

we move on, things change.

We put in some work together, I change jobs he goes back to school to get his apprenticeship… things are going kinda great! (Aside from my medical mishaps and me losing my job that is)

…And then we got new neighbours.

That’s when the real trouble began.

Within a year of them moving in he had made friends, destroyed a marriage, broke up two families and forced us to move.

Why? Because he just had to try and (maybe) succeed in fucking his best friends fiancée (our next door neighbours).

That one was hard.

I had just endured a miscarriage and was undergoing a likely cancer diagnosis… I’d spent the day before having holes poked into my cervix to remove suspicious cells and I was worn out and exhausted.

After a long ass day of being in pain and raising girls I had just put dinner on the table and felt ready to cry. He tried to cheer me up and show me a “a funny meme” at the table. What he ended up showing me was my very pregnant next door neighbour masturbating in a towel.

I didn’t laugh at the hilarious portrait. He wasn’t laughing when I threw him out of my house and slammed the door. The neighbours saw, they whispered “see, he said she was insane”

I didn’t care.

He deleted the evidence of the affair and tried to convince me I didn’t actually see anything and i had just made it up. She got ahead of the curve and told her partner I was just an awful woman with an axe to grind.

“It’s the stress of the situation, it’s because you’re sick. You’ve just lost your job. You need me”

I could scream now.

Therapy made me believe I was somehow responsible for this adult child’s inability to regulate his impulses

“He has adhd… and addiction issues… relapses will happen but you love each other. He can’t be fully held accountable for his actions you’re going to have to learn to work around these problems”.

“You both want to work on this right?”

Right?

It’s not like you have a lot going for you anyway…

One more shot… just one more.

And then while we were in the thick of working on our relationship to each other he left for work again and lived in Newcastle 5 days to 7 days a week for 6 months.

I stayed here, trying to work full time, raise 2 kids and wrap up a custody battle.. he forgot I even existed. He’d forget to call… forget to message… forget to tell the girls good night…

You can guess what happened.

Of course you can, you see the pattern. You’re not blinded.

And you know what? I definitely saw it too.

Except now? He’s adored by my girls and were newly engaged I can’t just back out now.. I can’t take away their parent.

It’s not their fault he does these things and he’s mostly so good to them… maybe I could just learn to live with this….

Maybe if I just lost the weight or tried harder to be a better wife or was more demure and less abrasive… maybe I needed to change my hair or my style or my entire personality… maybe tattoos might help.

Maybe if I changed everything about myself it might make it easier for him to want to love me…

Stacey you fucking Brussel Sprout you’re TRAUMATISED.

He didn’t need to gaslight me anymore. I was doing it to myself FOR him.

Can you believe we haven’t even hit the half way point yet.

The next ones though… these were DOOZYS.

It’s now 2019. We’re supposed to be getting married in 3 months. Guess who’s texting pictures of his dick to women on the internet again? SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t me.

The wedding is off. We’re just living together at this point out of sheer necessity.

And that’s when things really took a turn.

I won’t get into the details because.. this bit is really REALLY sad but the highlight reel runs: a broken hand from punching a hole through the floor, a trip to the emergency mental health unit for one, $30,000.00 in debt and three of us in crisis accomodation over Christmas in a hostel later I’m now free… and he was in the local gatts bed the day I left.

Moving forwards I have my own place, I’m feeling better, I worked on myself and I was feeling great about life again.

He and I are still friends trying to maintain a friendship for the girls who still adore him. They don’t know any different and I don’t have the heart to tell them.

And then covid happened.

And he started staying more and more frequently… and he’s changed and he’d worked on himself and things were different this time…

I wanna puke I’m so dumb. DUMMMMBB.

For a while though, things actually were great. We were working together as a team, the girls were thriving and things were going well…

So why won’t he commit to long term goals?

The tension was palpable. Our friends were CONFUSED. I was devastated.

From the very beginning all I had ever asked for was for him to love me and the girls unconditionally and that we’d get married and grow our family together.

This was only ever expanded to include “and to not cheat on me”.

He swore these goals were shared. Promised these were things he wanted too and that he definitely wanted them.

So why, after 7 years of back and forth would he not ask me to marry him and make things official? He’s asked before right? Why won’t he ask again?

Why after 7 years did we have no savings, no shared major assets and no real plan to expand our family? Why did we not have a 5 year goal?

Because he didn’t want too in the first place.

I begged.

Cried.

Pleaded.

“What can I do?” I’d lament.

“Why is this just not working” I’d whisper between sobs. And he’d comfort me. Reassure me it’s not me, things are just tough… the excuses were endless.

“Why am I not enough?” I was torturing myself.

We were in the throws of twice weekly couples therapy that I’m paying a shit tonne for.

I’m doing the homework, I’m working on my communication, I’m engaging in the sessions and baring all because I’m committed to making this work.

Him?

“It’s hard for me, you know I don’t like reading. Talking about myself makes me uncomfortable, I lost the homework binders, I hate doing these exercises they’re dumb and they do nothing”.

And then guess who unexpectedly fell pregnant? Me. It was me.

I was thrilled. He was mad.

I don’t think he actually expected this to happen, I mean I know he didn’t because he accused me of cheating on him for it to have happened. I didn’t, by the way.

No matter though, a routine check up revealed this little angel wasn’t proceeding.

I spent my New Year’s Eve in a hospital alone and scared having the news confirmed to me that the child I had longed for hadn’t made it and it was time to proceed with the next steps… and then we went to a pool party so he could ignore me.

“We can’t let our friends down Stacey, they’re expecting us. It might do you some good.”

My mind was elsewhere. I was a shell. On another astral realm while my body just robotically moved on the physical plane.

He? Was on an inflatable unicorn in the pool living his best life.

Splashing and smiling and laughing like nothing was wrong.

Was I wrong? Was I wrong to feel this way? It had only been 10 weeks maybe he’s right and maybe I was just too attached to an idea…

A few days later I proceeded to endure the most traumatic medical procedure of my life. After bleeding uncontrollably for hours at home I attended the emergency department where they completed a bedside extraction without pain relief because all the ORs were contaminated with covid patients.

A 24 year old nurse named Bethany who confessed earlier she was so overwhelmed and wanted to leave the profession held my hand and let me cry into her shoulder while another nurse held my legs apart so the doctor could do what he needed to do.

He stayed home and played Spider-Man to pass the time. Granted it was during covid and it was suggested he wait outside, I didn’t expect him to go home brag about finishing the game.

Y U C K

Then there was the incident at our best friends wedding… l wasn’t myself again yet after losing the baby the month prior but it was our friends wedding and I wanted to be there.

We booked a hotel room on the premises, I wanted to make it special. I put in some EFFORT to look as hot as I could… it didn’t work.

He got trashed and threw up in a garden because he didn’t want to spend time with me. I wanted to sit next to each other and dance on the dance floor and feel the love in the room…

He staggered to the hotel room.

I stayed a little longer because it was our best friends wedding? And I wanted to enjoy it?

I danced with my friends mum.

Hopped in the Photo Booth with some friends, ate some cake and then my social battery ran dry.

Exhausted, it was my turn to stumble back to the hotel room. My swollen feet rubbing in my heels, a little tipsy from the wine and lost because the room numbers didn’t make sense.

I find my way back and he’s passed out on the bed, fully suited, shoes still on and phone in hand.

Silly man. I thought. Had too much fun.

“I’ll get his shoes off for a start.. now I’ll put his phone on charge for him…” it was still unlocked. Messages open. He was sexting our old neighbour again.

I dropped the phone. Stifled my cry.

I sat cross legged in the bottom of the shower and sobbed for hours.

The usual.

I was embarrassed and ashamed.

My friends can never know… at their wedding?!

He’d be dead by morning.

I kept it to myself. I mean I confronted him when he found me in the shower but that one I wanted to keep to myself.

I wish I didn’t.

It wasn’t long after that he went away for work AGAIN. our entire life was him disappearing for weeks to months at a time for work. This time it wasn’t too far away and it was a short trip to Bathurst for a few days but I had a hunch…

Sigh.

This is just a joke now.

Cycle repeats. There’s another woman, there are photos, there are messages and I feel sick except this time there’s an ultimatum. Do it again and this time I’ll burn your life to the ground.

He promises and I do too. He promised he’d do the right thing, I promised I’d set fire to everything we’d built together just to watch the flames cleanse and scorch the earth between us.

He went straight back to love bombing and I’d just checked out at this point, going through the motions of life waiting for the inevitable error.

Because I knew it was coming.

It could take a week, it could be 5 years but I knew it would come…. And boy oh boy did it come.

The wheels well and truly fell off the wagon when he forgot my 30th birthday and said I was dramatic for expecting him to know he had to plan something.

… what.

It’s your significant others birthday… a milestone one… you didn’t have to build me a palace dude I just wanted a fuckin’ card and maybe for you to plan something with the kids.

I was biding my time. I knew our relationship was over.

We were now approaching 10 years of …. This… and there was still no ring on my finger. No love in our house and no children running free.

25 May 2024, the break up date was set in my mind.

I was waiting it out when again… 2 little pink lines came up in August.

I didn’t want to allow myself to be hopeful but I did.

The more time went on the more excited I got and the more distant he became.

“It’s just nerves after what happened last time”

*pterodactyl screech*

NO IT’S NOOOOOTTTTT.

The Second trimester rolls around, we’re starting to tell everyone... I’m jazzed. I feel like my life’s falling into a disjointed step and things are looking relatively good… that deadlines looking really silly now. Maybe I was wrong? I wanted so BADLY to be proven wrong. I had HOPED I was wrong.

The only thing that stopped me from announcing our news to everyone we knew? We were waiting on our harmony test to confirm a gender before I told my parents who I knew would be over the fuckin’ moon.

A 15 week routine check up confirmed our daughter Emery lost her heartbeat sometime that week.

I was devastated.

Gutted.

Drowned in grief.

And I felt so alone.

I felt like I was mourning this loss and a bit more on my own and I couldn’t understand why. I knew my daughter was gone but I couldn’t understand what else I was grieving.

Subconsciously I think I knew.

Like another cruel twist of fate I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. No waves of rolling pain it was just ow. It’s labour but it’s wrong.

In the middle of the night I drove myself to the hospital and delivered my little girl on my own. The staff were incredible and concerned I was alone.

They dosed me up on morphine and I silently wept for hours.

By the time he arrived to the hospital to “support me” I was ready to go home.

I drove myself home to cry my eyes out and get our kids ready for school and he went to work like it was another normal day.

Weeks go by and I’m lost; spiraling into a deep depression and I can’t anchor myself to anything to slow the decent.

I’m stuck somewhere between sorrow and anger and a weird dissociative state that I can’t shake.

I’m trying to run my household, turn up for work, parent my children, look after myself and be a good friend and an attentive partner but I’m falling short at every turn. Everything I touch becomes sick with melancholy.

Everything I’m trying isn’t working.

And then it hits me. I’m grieving alone.

I am GRIEVING alone.

I am doing it ALL by myself. All the household chores, all the errands, all the things required to maintain a family and a relationship. I’m going to my appointments alone. I’m going through the motions alone. I’m crying alone. I’m awake at night with my heart in pieces alone. I’m reading the books alone, I’m trying to cope alone and I’m trying to love again alone.

Our intimacy disappeared as soon as he knew we were expecting and it just didn’t come back.

He was always so angry at me because I couldn’t get it together and he’s constantly on his phone… I know what this is…. I’ve seen this movie before and I know how it ends.

My heart sank.

Dread seeps in.

The insidious feeling creeps into the back of my mind and I cannot shake it.

So I did the cardinal Cardi B sin.. I went through his phone that night and I found some things I definitely didn’t like.

He was cheating the entire way through our pregnancy, loss and afterwards.

Including the night I delivered.

Who is she? Some girl i met on TikTok. How long has it been going on for? Not long, a few months.

I saw red.

I cut sick.

I went feral.

You don’t need me to tell you why.

I was definitely done this time. The ick was severe.

I screamed in agony. Ugly hot tears spewing from my eyes with pure unbridled rage. How dare you. How very fucking dare you.

I threw what I could get my hands on, clawed at my own skin to try and hold onto the pieces of my soul that were so desperately trying to escape my body… I had descended into madness.

I spat words laced with venom from a place of hurt, building and bubbling over the last 10 years all coming out like an unstoppable crescendo.

My body in a state of shock didn’t know whether to turn my brain off as a response to trauma, have a panic attack or violently grieve through the pain I felt. Somehow, it did all three.

I’m not proud of the woman I was that night… not the nights immediately after.

Grief on grief on grief on grief… I had already lost so much it had just compounded into this hideous snowball.

My best friend, my child and now my love.. what could possibly be next?

Things became extremely uncomfortable when I confirmed to him I was definitely done this time. I couldn’t look at him and feel comfort and I couldn’t find solace in his eyes anymore. All I felt was a burning hot rage and bitter, BITTER betrayal and I wanted to rip down the walls of the house we built together.

He kept telling me we could make it work that it was a mistake and he was regretful and he was committed to change this time around.

Too late bro.

The little part of me that still loved you died the second I read you had called HER the day I delivered a corpse but you couldn’t call me to check on me?

Vile.

I had always thought that I wasn’t a prize, that I wasn’t worth shit and that nobody would love me and I should be grateful for the small bits of love and the bare minimum I got.

I thought that the love and affection I had so desperately tried to cultivate just wasn’t real and only existed to serve as a plot device in fairytales.

I thought that if I left him my life would be over and the walls would collapse in. That I couldn’t live without him in my life… like I didn’t know how. I wasn’t ready to let go or maybe I didn’t want too.

Our shared trauma bonds didn’t allow me to see what a life without toxicity could be.

It was awful and tumultuous but it was familiar and it was safe.

I was terrified of starting over and petrified of being alone.

That I would somehow be judged for not being able to make this work and that somehow it would be me to blame that I couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering. That my daughters would somehow hate me for taking away their father figure.

Stupid, I know.

That night was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. As soon as I verbalised to myself and to him that whatever this was was… whatever the last decade was… was done it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the dark rain cloud drowning me had dissipated.

I began to feel free.

The person I thought I lost slowly began creeping back in… I felt more and more like myself everyday.

We made the decision to run the lease out and still live together for the time being. It was only a few months. It was achievable… right?

I hated the animosity I still felt but I loved the person I was rebecoming. I thought I could do it.

I am an idiot and I was wrong.

I hadn’t told anyone about what was happening except my 6 closest friends who have supported me through this like absolute legends. If you were anywhere near my socials you would have guessed something was up but I didn’t really elaborate to anyone outside the 6.

I was happy and coping as best I could. But I wasn’t immune. Crying fits, bouts of anger and just real mean shit wasn’t uncommon… it was quickly becoming apparent this was terrible for my mental health and couldn’t be sustainable.

I can’t live with looking at the face of my trauma and he can’t live with me wanting to rip his throat out of his body any time I see an exposed neck.

Something has to give.

Flash forwards to New Year’s Eve. Some time had passed and a very nice man who had been checking in on me as a friend messaged me nicely on Instagram to wish me a happy new year and said that they were grateful to know me and was excited for us to be excellent friends in 2024.

I echoed the sentiment.

He then replied to a photo I had posted to my story to say I looked very good and that the picture itself was Lock Screen worthy.

A little cheeky, a little flirty… but I liked it.

But just like anything in this story, it’s not quite that simple because even though he was a third party with limited knowledge of the state of my personal affairs except for the fact I was vaguely single and based of that information decided to compliment a girl on the internet… he unknowingly and unwittingly set off an uncomfortable chain reaction resulting in me learning exactly who my ex lover really was and what they were actually capable of… and this poor man was unfairly caught in the crossfires of someone else’s mistakes.

And that’s something I’ll be regretful for, for the rest of my life.

Unbeknownst to me, while I was reading the nice message of appreciation for my friendship and a cheeky compliment that had my self confidence on the rise so too, was my ex partner.

Reading over my shoulder in a veiled attempt to pry into my personal life.

He was big mad.

Mad someone had the audacity to be kind to me. Mad someone had the gumption to think I was pretty. Mad someone had the gaul to tell me so. Mad someone had the hide to appreciate my friendship and what I could offer.

He was MAD mad.

I promise you, if you saw a screen shot from this extremely tame and respectful interaction you’d sit there and think … “is that it?”

No grand display of love or devotion, no vulgar sexting, no big feelings and nothing even remotely derogatory towards my ex partner. Just two pals saying “happy new year and hey, you look cute tonight by the way”.

Until that very moment when he dropped a cheeky flirt it had only ever been platonic between us…Except for the night we met 2 years ago but that’s a story for another time haha.

So why… why was this man reacting like I’d tipped his mother’s ashes down the sink? Like he was somehow still entitled to me and the love I want to give and receive?

He stormed out of the room and disappeared for hours to sulk… I was confused. We weren’t together, it’s not my place to pry into his personal life and whatever’s got him upset… I guess I’ll let him go…

until I get a message from the nice man that read something like:

“Hey, uh I don’t want to start shit but I’m a little concerned… who is this guy and why is he liking my photos from years ago?”

… what.

The screenshots came in.

They didn’t know each other. I was their only mutual friend. I hadn’t mentioned this man by name. He doesn’t go by his legal name on the internet let alone his Instagram handle… How did he know who he was?

“I’m so sorry I’ll handle it”.

We duke it out. Not my best choice to do it infront of a giant glass window.

Our new years guests couldn’t hear what was happening but they sure could see…

I was in protective mode for a man I barely knew but why should this man be a victim of intensive cyber stalking for complimenting me? Why should his privacy be invaded like that because my ex couldn’t get his shit together and fumbled the bag?

None of that is this nice man’s fault.

Besides, WE WEREN’T EVEN TOGETHER. WHY DID IT MATTER SOMEONE ELSE WAS NICE TO ME.

More venom fell out.

“There’s been a line behind you waiting for an opportunity this entire time, you only held your place at the front because I left that place open for you”

Not my best work, but definitely a pivotal moment for my own self confidence because… there WAS a line. I AM desirable. I AM wanted. I CAN be loved and I don’t need to torture myself by staying with someone who can’t offer basic respect let alone something more.

I’ve got goals. I’ve got places I wanna be. I have achievements I wanna tick off and I don’t want to be held back anymore by an emotionally deficient fuck boy.

And I realised I can live my best life with my good Judy’s by my side, my girls by my side and my family by my side.

I mean it would be nice right to have someone love you and see you and love your kids unconditionally and have the same shared interests or goals… but I’m the master of my own destiny and fuck anyone that gets in the way of that.

Anyway, he flipped it.

So much so he did the unthinkable.

Now I understand being upset. I understand acting on impulse and I understand hitting someone where it hurts when they’ve wronged you if it’s deserved.

WHEN it’s deserved.

Over 10 years of knowing someone you come to learn quite a bit about them and what really gets them excited and in turn what really upsets them.

He absorbed my secrets, my fears and my insecurities just to weaponise them against me.

Cheating on me is one thing.

Lying to me is another.

Taking one of the worst parts of my life and making me relive it for your own entertainment and manipulation? NEW LEVEL OF FUCKERY UNLOCKED.

Over the next few days I started to receive some pretty nasty anonymous messages… some I posted to my story some I didn’t.

Most were targeted at me and my appearance, some were targeted at the man that was messaging me to spread rumour, some at my kids and some were targeted at my ex partner.

I’ve been the victim of a hate campaign before so these messages were admittedly quite triggering. They preyed on the most insidious thoughts that live in the back of my mind.

Who was this person? Why would they say these things to me? The only people sending me these messages are people I already know and I can’t imagine these people saying such awful things…

My mental health took a slight sidestep and I went full undercover operative.

I set up my own little investigation. No one was more surprised when it lead me to him.

No.. I must be wrong it couldn’t be…

Until it was with out a doubt confirmed when he stupidly dropped the nice man’s legal name in an anonymous message.

There were only 4 people who knew we were talking to each other let alone his name and I definitely didn’t send the message… neither did the nice man… my best friend certainly wouldn’t have done it so it left only one option.

I paid for premium access to the NGL app. Got the clues I needed about the sender of the messages and confronted him.

He lied.

He always does.

Even when confronted with the truth.

Tried to gaslight his way out of it. Again. But it wouldn’t work this time.

The proof was right in front of us. I had the very compelling evidence. It couldn’t be disputed.

After trying to lie for a 4th time he confessed it was true and he did send some of those nasty ass messages in an attempt to manipulate my self confidence, sow the seeds of deceit between the nice man and I so I wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore and to make me feel sorry for him for all the hate he was getting online.

Again, like a bull charging at a waving flag I saw RED.

“You have a month. Get out of my house. Never speak to me again.”

This was a new low. A real ugly point. I had never cheated on him. I’d never betrayed his trust. I’d never been intentionally mean like this.

Why…

W H Y .

I immediately unfriended him off what I could. What I couldn’t, I blocked.

We weren’t friends. We never truly were. Friends don’t hurt each other like that. Friends don’t do shit like that. That’s enemy behaviour.

Only someone who despises you would do those things, any of those things let alone all of those things over a prolonged period of time.

I didn’t think this could get any worse and yet there I was… publicly bullied by my ex on the internet for his own enjoyment.

It’s time. It’s time to tell everyone. My parents… my siblings… our wider network of friends… my girls.

My girls….

Sitting the girls down was tough… an activity I never want to do again.

A conversation I thought we would have with them together to tell them we couldn’t make it work and their stepdad would be leaving - the last little honourable thing he could do… apologise to them… be honest with them… love them… and let them go gently ended up with me in tears telling them on my own that everything had fallen apart and mum was sorry.

My best friend holding one daughter while I held the other. And we all cried.

My best friend was the one helping me to explain everything to our daughters and work through the complex emotions we were all feeling. Drying tears, answering questions and reminding them this isn’t their fault…

They were devastated. My eldest fumed and my youngest sobbed in pain… their first real heartbreaks.

I’m grateful for her everyday. I’m grateful for her kindness, her love and her support but this wasn’t heartbreak she had to endure. This wasn’t her responsibility to step in… it was his.

He aimlessly folded the same piece of washing and watched the conversation unfold.

He didn’t say a word.

If I had felt guilty before asking him to leave, putting my girls first or leaning into the nice man’s advances I definitely didn’t now.

… And I still don’t.

“2nd of Feb dude, you gotta be outta here. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have anywhere else I won’t put us all through this anymore you need to make your arrangements and your exit from stage left”

I’m in my healing era. My lover girl era. My ‘be a better friend’ era. My ‘be an excellent mum’ era. My stand up for myself era. My evolution era.

And I will not lie, romance has indeed found me along the way.

And I’m so okay with that.

It’s unconventional. It’s different. It’s kind and respectful. It’s considerate and tender. It’s FUN. it’s goofy and it’s pure…

I’m pretty sure it feels like it’s supposed to.

It’s not a fight to the death every day. It’s not a struggle. It’s not nights crying myself to sleep wondering where I went wrong (it was most nights that we were together… I won’t lie). It’s not toxic fights that have me worried about what’s going to be broken this time.

I don’t need to wonder if this man actually likes me, he makes sure I know.

It’s honest and supportive and REAL…

and it’s a steep learning curve.

I have a lot of unlearning to do and behaviours to quash to be a better version of myself… not just for myself but for everyone in my orbit but for the first time in a long time I’m excited for what happens next.

The next few months will be hard financially, emotionally and physically.

But I have a kick ass gang of friends, 2 amazing daughters who under the circumstances are thriving, a fantastic therapist (shout out gabz the big dawg) and someone I can invest all my extra love into and is more than happy to send it right back.

I’m going for surgery in a week, I have a plan in place to correct my health and I’m pushing myself to be the best possible version of myself not just for me or for them… but for you too, dear reader.

Given so much of my life was shared openly and then used against me to hurt me by people I trusted and loved I can’t say for certain this level of openness will remain.

Some aspects of my life will be kept just for me, my girls lives will still stay off the internet until they’re ready (occasional happy snaps and tidbits will still flow freely don’t worry about that), I’ll still share the cool shit I’m up to with work, the dumb shit my friends and I get amongst and life events with my new significant other will be shared when and if I find one.

But only if and when I want too.

And I won’t use social media to cover up my extreme unhappiness.

Not everything you see on the internet is real and I too have played a part in that.

Relationships are complex, no one has the perfect one and keeping up appearances only gives you more heartache than what it’s worth.

So if there’s any wisdom I can impart on you it’s this:

💜 You are more than your relationships.

💜 Fuck the haters, they’re gonna chat shit anyway you might as well give them something to talk about.

💜 You are precious and deserve to be protected and loved and to be happy.

💜 don’t settle because you’re expected to.

💜 You can cut parts of yourself down but no matter how far you trim you’ll never fit into the box you think you should be in.

If you don’t fit, get a bigger box.

💜 Nothing on the internet is real.

💜 Sometimes letting go is necessary to heal.

💜 Love will find you in the most unexpected of ways and in the most unexpected places.

💜 Listen to your friend that gets the weird vibes, they’re usually right.

💜 The NSW healthcare system both sucks and is excellent at the same time.

💜 Do what you want, it’s not too late to start over. You’re gonna die eventually… live the life you want.

💜 Live in the now and the future. The past is a place we can visit but you cannot live there.

💜 Just because you’re happy sometimes it doesn’t outweigh the heartache all the time.

💜 Don’t sacrifice yourself. For anyone.

💜 People will understand eventually.

💜 Just because you can do everything on your own doesn’t mean you have too

💜 You shouldn’t suffer in silence or alone.

💜 HABITUAL CHEATERS WON’T CHANGE

And thus ends a 10 year tale of a strong AF girlie who is owning a new, better phase of HER life.

She rescued herself from the damn tower, set her daughters free, reacquainted herself with her besties and picked up a cutie on the way out to get Starbucks.

I’m writing new pages in a book I thought I’d finished and I’m excited to see the life that’s out there waiting for me. I’m excited to reacquaint myself with myself again. I’m excited for new experiences, better relationships with everyone around me and not having to wear shoes inside to avoid the broken egg shells and bits of ego on the floor.

And him? Feeling sorry for himself I guess. Or not. I’m not sure and I don’t think I care to find out.

Maybe he’s realised what he’s lost, maybe he’s awake in the middle of the night languishing in pain, maybe he’s grieving or maybe he’s just fine and couldn’t care less.

Either way, my thoughts don’t live there anymore, they live with me.

“You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same cursing my name, wishing I stayed… You turned into your worst fears…

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain and crossing out the good years… and you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed… Look at how my tears ricochet” - Taylor Swift

[thekingwhowouldhavebeen]

Into the Backrooms (Stanley Parable Au) Part 1

I feel like I wanted to have a proper step into the Stanley Parable fandom! I am currently writing a fanfic, and looking for some roleplays (please check out my other posts on that) but I feel like making a whole ass au for this funky little game that has now decided to take up an infestation in my brain. 

And you all are gonna suffer with me.

While I am not an artist (a far cry from it really, truly is a disappointment), what I AM is a Writer. Like my dear Narrator! And for the moment, dear readers, you are all to be MY Stanley’s as I take you through an adventure as I make these two experience quite the ride if I do say so myself. 

Interested? Well I sure do hope so. Come along Readers and Stanley’s! Off to an adventure!

Content Warnings: A crucial part to every AU, the content warnings! This is purely here to make sure nothing affects the readers too badly. I wish to make you cry, not permanently traumatize you. Though, I must admit, this is a relatively mild AU. Need not fear, there should hopefully not me anything too drastic here! -Normal Stanley Parable existentialism  -Creepy Eldritch like abominations (includes fan works of the monsters of the Backrooms!) -Monsters, Violence and General Horror alike! Anything specific you need to know going forward?  Why yes of course! While there isn’t much, the most crucial thing you should keep in mind is this: The Narrator does not remember resets. Our dear Stanley does. Remember this. This is important....like this fern: 

Though I do feel like the Fern is much more important.

Any who, I am finding myself Rambling! If only there was a skip-what? Oh, we don’t speak of that? Are you sure? There’s a note? [papers rustle] Ahh! There it is, yes, we don’t speak of that. 

Apologies readers. Please ignore that. Anyways, lets reset! [snaps fingers]

This is a story of a man named Stanley...

-Stanley was a normal office worker. No wife. No kids. A simple 9-5 job with shitty co-workers and an even shittier boss. Stanley really had nothing going for him, an average man in a, while quite sad, average life. That is why it seems to be a surprise, when a man like Stanley seemed to ‘no-clip’ out of reality. As the gamers would say. 

-Stanly wasn’t sure what to do with himself. In fact, all he could do was simply stand there for a while as he took in the bright yellow walls and the familiar humming of florescent lights. In fact, it was almost familiar! ‘Why, I must just be at my job!’ Stanley thought. Though he seemed to be ignoring the quite blaring signs that this was, in fact, not his office. 

-After a few moments of strict contemplation, Stanley finally found himself in the urge to move. Though he wasn’t crying out for help, much to our confusion. Was it that he was too scared to shout? Or was it that he simply at no voice at all? Whatever the case, we only watched. Though we could see the hairs on Stanley’s hair stand up. ‘I am being watched’ Stanley thought, but despite looking around, he could not find us. 

-As Stanley started to explore these yellow walls, more and more did his mind come into the terrifying conclusion that this wasn’t his office. Obviously. Oh shush you. There was almost no desks, and the few he found were almost completely broken down. One in fact, with an ever so gentle touch, entirely broke down to smithereens! It wasn’t a very nice desk though, and no one was sad to see it go. Still, Stanley pushed forward. 

-Yet despite his countless wandering, there seemed to be no end in sight for this madness. There was no difference. Not even a dead end! Every wall felt entirely the same, and Stanley could never figure out if he was simply walking in circles or truly making any progress. And through this entire time, Stanley still seemed to be keenly aware that something was watching him. It’s strange for him to notice us. He seems to notice you more. 

-After what felt like hours, or maybe even days, Stanley came upon another desk. One that is almost brand new in appearance. Something that looked like it came just out of the box. Pristine as ever, and not even a single scratch in sight! It truly stood out against the ugly yellow of these walls. 

-What was even better, was the evidence of other people inside this desk. Various papers that contained information that Stanley had no idea existed. What seemed to scare him more, was the unsettling thought that he wasn’t alone. No...this world seemed to have monsters. ‘How can one survive a hell like this’ Stanley thought, fear coursing through him. ‘How am I, a pathetic office worker supposed to survive this hell’.

-The papers described a few entities. Ones that can be found on this ‘level’, to which Stanley made a note to himself. There are more levels. The first paper described a humanoid creature known as The Hound. The very image itself seemed to terrify Stanley, and the sheer thought of having to stare at it to get away made Stanley pray that he would never have to encounter it. 

[Art by oxslittlehorrors]

-The second monster was called the Bacteria. Though this one didn’t seem to concern Stanley too much. He had no friends to communicate after all, which is very sad and depressing for Stanley, as one deserves to have friends. Alas, he must suffer through unimaginable horrors...all by himself. Stop being melodramatic. He came in by himself, which is normal.

[Art by DarkAudi1728]

-The third monster seemed to terrify Stanley the most, and rightfully so. With a twisted smile and unnatural eyes, this was truly a creature straight out of Stanley’s nightmares. And the very thought of nightmares made Stanley wonder, ‘Maybe I am dreaming?’ he thought, ‘maybe if I opened up my eyes, this all would disappear’. Oh. If only it were that easy Stanley.

[Art By Rerochu]

-It was the last file, that interested Stanley the most. In fact, it seemed to have interest him so much, he decided he would read the entire file! ‘The Watchers’ it was simply called. 2 beings who seemed to only watch and never speak. We can speak Stanley, you simply aren’t ready to hear us. From what the creator of this file can gather, he believes that there are 2 watchers, mostly concluded that the entities that are watching him feel different when each do it separately. There is a third. They are much higher than us though. They are the one truly writing this story.

-Stanley didn’t like that these Watchers were in fact watching him, and wondered what was so interesting about him that they feel as though they should watch him. After all, wasn’t he just an average man who lived a uneventful life? What was it that made him so special? Out of all these creatures though, the only ones that were considered entirely harmless were the Watchers. So maybe, he could be content with their staring. If only they could maybe give him some privacy when he-oh I am not repeating that! That is entirely disgusting Stanley! I understand you humans have various bodily fluids that need to be purged from the system but to think I would want to watch that! The gall Stanley, the utter insolence to believe that I wouldn’t allow yourself some-oh your not even listening Stanley. Not yet anyways. 

-Despite his fears and worries, Stanley pushed on. This never-ending maze drove on and on, as Stanley seemed to desperately search for anything that may free him from this hell scape. To allow himself to return back to the reality he wanted. ‘Maybe this will be the motivation to finally quit my job!’ thought Stanley. Maybe this will finally be the reasonings of why he will finally pull a life together that wasn’t quite so average. That wasn’t quite so dull. Maybe Stanley could finally get out of that terrible rut he was in. 

-Though as Stanley thought about it, it wasn’t the job that truly made him so dissatisfied. No, instead it was the crushing loneliness that truly made him dislike the life he lived. He had no wife, nor kids after all. No friends or even family that Stanley was close too. He was alone in life, and now maybe he will be alone in death. Your never alone Stanley. I-we are always here. You will not die alone here, we are watching you.

-As time passed, and his exploration continued. Stanley seemed to suddenly freeze in place when he heard the sounds of vents crashing. Vents he wasn’t even aware of in the first place. There was snarling and growling, and then in front of him fell a large lump of flesh, fur and hair. The Hound. A great beast, and so much bigger than Stanley could ever have thought possible. It had fallen quiet clumsily, and seemingly unaware of Stanley’s presence as he pulled itself back up. Bones creaking unnaturally, and soft snarls escaping its gnarled lips sent a much different shiver up Stanley’s spine. 

-’Hide! Hide’ Stanley thoughts seemed to cry, ‘He needed to hide’ and yet all he remembered with the long yellow halls and corridors that led to nowhere. What was he to do, what could he do with this horrifying monster was right in front of him. Yet, Stanley persevered. Keeping this amalgamation of twisted limbs and grotesque stench in his eye sight as Stanley slowly walked backwards. Though, it really didn’t take long for the Hound to find the office worker. 

-Yet despite it’s entire attention was on Stanley, it seemed as though it was frozen. Just like the file said, stare at it and it will not move. Stanley kept slowly inching further and further back, desperately praying that there would be somewhere for him to hide. Somewhere to run and lose the monster that wants to tear him apart. With one flick of his eyes, looking to spot the freedom from this danger, the Hound lunged. 

-Stanley was lucky, he was far enough away to dodge from the monsters attack. Scrambling for his life, Stanley found himself now running back through these office walls. Both familiar and not familiar at the same time, and yet there was one key stark difference. A silver locker. Stanley didn’t question it, he was running for his life after all. That locker wasn’t there before. Shut it.

-Stanley was desperately trying to catch his breath, ‘this was a lot more than I bargained for’ thought Stanley, ‘how am I going to survive this?’. The Hound walked past his locker, and he tried to be as silent as possible. He didn’t want the monster to find him, to tear him apart like the file said it would. He didn’t want to die, he was young. He had so much left to live for. He wanted a family, a life that he truly enjoyed living. He wanted-Stop rambling and continue. Oh come on! It’s a great time for reflection!

-Yet the Hound kept moving on. He kept continuing and the sounds of crunching and snarling and slobbering faded into the distance. Stanley was safe...for now. There were many more monsters and horrors that awaited him in this endless maze. Stanley had much to go, but with surviving the first encounter, Stanley felt confidence. Is it confidence, or arrogance? You always think confidence is arrogance.

-After this terrifying encounter, Stanley took a little bit to pull himself together. Much to the Watcher’s annoyance, as they were starting to grow bored of just watching this plain office worker walk around. The Hound finally brought a bit of entertainment but really, it wasn’t much.

-Why don’t you watch the entities then, if your so bored? They are even more boring...much more predictable. Then stop complaining. 

-But eventually, Stanley had to get moving again. He wondered how long he was exploring. Now that the first locker had appeared, there seems to be much more popping into place. ‘More places to hide’ Stanley noted. There even started to have more desks pop into place. Desks that had more items, such as food and water. Survival needs that for a moment Stanley seemed to forget he needed. 

-He encountered more of the creatures and each time was able to survive against whatever they had to throw at him. It seemed that even if one was a basic office worker with quite a sad life, he had the necessary skills to survive this place. Yet all Stanley thought to keep him focused, was the thought of going home. A hopeless endeavor. You will never leave Stanley, not until we want you to. Don’t we want him to win? Win what? The game?

-’Hello?’ Stanley suddenly thought. Looking up as though he heard two voices. Did he hear us? That would be the first? He can’t be ready yet. ‘I can hear you though’ Stanley thought again. Can you hear both of us? ‘There is only one voice...are you the watchers?’ It seems like he cannot hear me. Strange. The few who made it this far could hear us both. ‘Hello?’ Stanley thought again. ‘Are you still there?’ We are still here Stanley, well I am still here. We are simply wondering why you cannot hear us both. ‘So you are the Watchers’ Yes we are, of course we are. What else would we be.

-Stanley seemed to contemplate that. He went silent as he crept into his thoughts, searching the crevices of his mind to figure out if there was any way to explain this situation. Though this couldn’t be any more abnormal than the abomona-’Why are you narrating me?’ Stanley suddenly thought, pulling himself out of his tangent.

-What? Stanley you can hear that too? You shouldn’t be hearing that, oh no. This is very wrong. Stanley could you hear me the entire time?

-Stanly had only shook his head, his face frowning in a sort of confusion as he stared up at the ceiling. As though that was where he thought this mysterious voice was coming from. ‘I only just started hearing you now’ Stanley said, in response to the voice’s question.

-How strange Stanley, that you can only here me. Hmm, well as I try and figure out what is happening, how about you go one and try to continue finding your way out?

-Stanley suddenly shook his head, waving at the ceiling to try and get the voice’s attention back. ‘Wait’ cried Stanley, ‘Wait come back! I don’t want to be alone again!”

-Stanley, you are never alone. We are always here, always watching over you. 

-’Then tell me your name at least...what's your name’ Stanley asked, and the voice went silent at though. There was a sense of unease in Stanley, as though he may be hearing it narrate, it was taking a long time to respond to what he thought was a simple question.

-I do not have a name Stanley, I am only here to watch. Rarely ever interact.

-’Then what should I call you? If theirs two Watchers, how can I make sure I ask for the right one?’ Thought Stanley, as he stood there. Still staring up at the ceiling.

-Well I shall leave that choice up to you Stanley. I am not good with names, I only know yours and the others that came through here. None to call my own.

-Stanley contemplated that. It was a difficult ask, as what could you possibly name an entity that is beyond what seems to be human. A god in of itself who watches your every move and knows your every thought. What could he name something that speaks your-’Narrator. I am going to call you Narrator.’

-What a fascinating name Stanley! It is good to meet you!

[trippinsorrows]

heyyy girl, amazing first chap of without you!! so excited to see more of our favourite family again 😊 i love that you keep it realistic despite writing a fictional story and are addressing the lingering after effects from the DCFS situation that were caused to Callie in book 2. because realistically, no matter what age, the experience of going through such a stressful situation like that is traumatic for everyone impacted and needs to be talked about more.

i believe that kids are very perceptive and pick up on a lot more than we realize, especially our smarty pants Miss. Callie Bear which sparked a random thought. in with me when Mariah’s bitch ass was showing her true colours to reader, being a shady hoe and eventually distancing herself, did Callie notice and ask why they haven’t seen auntie Mariah or had a playdate with her kid in a while? since reader and Mariah have known each other since kids, the whole time did anyone else (aside from Alexis) pick up on her bad vibes?

also this Maggie bitch or whatever her name is can get the Mariah treatment, tag me in with Alexis coach!!!!

hey girl! thank you so much! i'm so happy people enjoyed it cause i was low key like 'this is kinda boring' after finishing it. lmao butttt, as i said, there's a tidbit of foreshadowing and other things i had to plant the seeds for, so a necessary slow start!

oh yes, one of my things as a writer is i'm very big on realism as much as possible. like, things need to make sense in my mind. the dcfs situation was traumatic for all parties, and i focused more on reader and her aftermath versus callie in book one because book two will definitely delve deeper. i would argue that we'll see a lot of different feelings and new experiences for callie more than most of the characters in this book. reader as well. also the therapist in me couldn't not unpack that either sooo 😅

oh, we're 1000% on the same page. i was just telling a client that earlier. parents don't always realize just how much kiddos internalize things. i can say callie had a couple of times where she asked about 'aunt mariah' but not as much as maybe she would if alexis were more in the picture at the time. it was also balanced out by the fact that joe was in the picture, and we all know when he's around, he's all callie bear sees. 😂

lmaoooo i love how ya'll are already roasting this heifer. it's fair, because i promise before all is said and done, ya'll are probably gonna hate her more than mariah 😅😅😅😅

[azrail-has-a-vendetta]

you know what, fuck it. Here is a non-comprehensive analysis on a musical that doesn’t exist. Warning this will be long, and may not make sense.

(summary took too long gonna add the analysis later in a reblog)

TW: Mentions of Suicide, abuse, traumatic religious experiences, drug abuse, police brutality, and more probably.

So fun fact, my dad’s work friends wrote a musical. And it is baller. This musical is literally the only reason I am alive sometimes. Here is a quick summery before I get into the rant: This story focuses on Alden, a teen in Utah during the 50-60’s during the first act. Alden was born to his religious parents, who are both members of the LDS church. His father served in WWII and met his wife, Marcella, soon after he arrived home. In one of the opening songs, his neighbors mentions that Alden is a little strange. This was at the height of the Red Scare and the Cold War. There are also some rebellious teens who we see Alden start to almost worship. He also has this crush on a girl, who he actually never talks to. We start to see that Alden doesn’t exactly ‘fit in’ with his peer group. And we start to see the beginnings of severe mental illness in the 9th song. Here is some really important information, Alden kept a journal. He writes extensively in his journal and it keeps a record of Alden’s fall into his mental illness. The songs actually use Alden’s real poems and writing which, if I might add, are beautiful. One of the most used poems is introduced in the ninth song. (Trying to keep this short before I go ham and I am struggling) Anyways, we start to see Alden start running away, abusing drugs and become more disconnected from his family. We pretty much witness the loss of Alden’s innocence, which is there in the 3rd song, which is where we meet the teenage Alden. He is arrested many times and once his parents, later in the play, express how they think about letting him spend a night in jail, but the ultimately end up bailing him out. He does get a mental evaluation but the doctor apparently can’t find anything wrong (I have feelings about this song and you will hear about it) He also fears being drafted into the Vietnam War, and we see inside his mind during a time when he is high. Near the end of the first act, Alden ends up running away again, but this time it is farther and longer than any of his other stunts. He ends up in LA, and is mugged. He relates back to the scripture story, the Prodigal son, after calling his parents from LA. After he gets home they have a family meeting where each member of his family says something good about Alden. This is when Alden writes a poem which is used heavily through out the play. Alden has long hair, as it was the style of the time, and the members of the ward convince his parents to shave it, this is a very traumatic event and is pretty much the breaking point. In the final song of Act 1, which is 23 songs long, Alden commits suicide.

act 2 focuses on his parents. If you didn’t know, during this time, suicide was “self murder” as according to the church’s doctrine, which pretty much that you would go to hell. Now here is another piece of important information, during this time there was a popular book called “Go ask Alice” which was an anonymous publication which became widely popular and turned into a movie. There are some of my favorite songs in act two, the funeral song, which brings me to tears every time, and one of the most important/heart-wrenching songs in the play. (And I will get into that song!) But I digress, now Alden kept a journal and this author who wrote Go Ask Alice sent out a add looking for journals from troubled teens who took their own lives (yes it is disgusting) the parents see this as a god send because they wanted to put out Alden’s story so people could understand his pain and see that he was just a boy. They sign away the rights so the author could “change identifying details.” This book ends up being called “Jay’s Jornal” the story is twisted far past what actually happened. She changed pretty much everything making it seem like “Jay” was possessed/working with demons and the devil. There is enough details that everyone who was familiar with the what happened to this family knows that is about them. The mother fights to try and show people what actually happened, that was written was not what happened. The father however, after a song that makes me sob uncontrollably, comes to terms with his son’s death, the rumors and really just wants to live again. But as all mothers do I suppose, she couldn’t leave them to slander her dead son any longer. They both end up leaving the church and they split up, divorcing. Years pass. Marcella still fighting a losing battle and Doyle living on his own miles away. In the end Marcella ends up coming to term with Alden’s death and in a reprise of a song that we see at Alden’s birth, his death, and finally Marcella letting her son to rest, and realizing how much she misses Doyle. In a reprise of the very first song Doyle ends up coming home, and they make up. Then the writer is exposed as a fraud and the come to terms with God and their religion. They end up remarrying and living their life. and in real life, two more books where written on Alden, both telling the truth. Also this musical was written, shedding light on Alden’s life, and his death. i’ll reblog this post with the analysis because those are going to be long and Tumblr hates me :)

[aquietgirlsmess]

Who was the most lucky and un-lucky person from The Hunger Games trilogy?

Why do you pick them? Please give reasons.

You can interpret the luck and un-luck thing however you want.

Thank you :)

@curiousnonny

Hi anon :)

This is an interesting question.

[This got pretty long so I'm putting it under read more]

I think, generally speaking, the Capitol citizens are pretty lucky because even if -as we can tell from the Ballads Of Songbirds And Snakes- some are clearly poor, for the most part, they're well off and don't have to worry about food or anything but also -and in a world such as panem that's very important- they don't have to worry about being a tribute and all that entails.

So by opposition, the people living in the districts (and even more the ones in the poorer districts) are unlucky for very obvious reasons I think : The Capitol basically exploits them and, as if it wasn't enough, each year they have to see at least one if not two of their children die in some messed up event. The worst luck being for the ones that did end up in the arena.

If I have to single out characters, I think some cases can be made :

For most unlucky :

Prim -> Someone did a great post about how she was doomed by the narrative and was never gonna survive. That said, I don't know if that makes her unlucky because, actually, in a lot of ways, she was lucky :

She's saved for certain death in the Games by her sister who even after her games keep doing things to protect her.

She survives the destruction of District 12 after the 75th Games because Gale saves her.

The attack on District 13 in Mockingjay could have been fatal to her and several of the people that lived there had it not been for Peeta's warning.

She's always saved from almost certain death. Until she isn't. Because in the end, none of it mattered. She was always gonna die.

Haymitch -> He lives in District 12 aka the poorest district and lives in the poorest part of that already very poor District.

As if it wasn't enough, he gets reaped at 16. When you think about it, that's only 3 years before he was gonna be illegible for the games.

Then it gets worse because the year he gets reaped is a Quarter Quell (aka a special edition) that sees the numbers of tributes double. So, not only does he have to participate in the Games, he also has even less likely odds at surviving. And yet he does. You'd think that'd make him the luckiest man, except it wasn't luck that made him survive the Games, it was the fact that he was smart and used the shield of the arena as a weapon.

He was punished for it. All of his loved ones were murdered. So he goes through this very traumatic experience in worse condition than usual just so he can witness all the people he loves die.

Then, as if it wasn't enough, he has to mentor the next kids that go to the Games. And year after year, he has to watch all these kids die. Katniss and Peeta change everything for him though.

Finnick -> If I remember correctly, we're never told whether he volunteered or not. He's from a Career District where volunteering tends to happen so he might have, but it could also just have been the one year no one did volunteer. In the end, it doesn't really matter. The games shouldn't be a thing to begin with. Anyway, back to the point. This would make him an even better contender for most unlucky though

He's reaped at 14 and he ends up winning and he's the youngest one to do so.

You'd think he'd then be left to live out the rest of his life in peace but, then, because people found him attractive, he ends up getting prostituted by Snow.

Also same as Haymitch, he becomes a mentor and has to watch most of the kids he mentors die.

Then, he gets reaped again for the 75th Games. He survives again but had to watch someone he cares about and was surely important to him (Mags) die.

Meanwhile, his girlfriend gets taken and tortured by the Capitol and all to get to him (which it does). He gets to reunite and even marry her but that happiness is short lived because he dies during the rebellion.

For most lucky :

I thought about it a lot and I actually think it might be Plutarch.

He's not from the Districts so he never had to worry about being a tribute.

He never got caught for any of his scheming against Snow/the Capitol.

My memory could be off but he also never had to be in the thick of the fighting ?

He comes out unscathed at the end of the Rebellion

He gets a good position in the new government which let's be real is exactly what he wanted. and also had a good position in the old one.

He's just never in a bad position. But again I could remember wrong.

[daveinediting]

I’ve been fortunate that, yes, most of the jobs I worked taught and continue to teach me a lot. I’ve been fortunate that these jobs were fundamentally efforts of teamwork. And I’ve been fortunate that I couldn’t wait to get back to work.

Of course any part of what I just said might seem odd, especially the last part. But that’s my point: when your passion intersects with what you’re paid to do... it doesn’t feel like a chore. It doesn’t feel like work.

Now yes. I have worked jobs that were none of the above. I’ve worked jobs where I learned nothing. I’ve worked jobs where I was essentially isolated. And I definitely worked jobs where I was incredibly relieved to go home at the end of each day while approaching the next day with increasing amounts of dread and unease.

Okay, it was actually one job that was like that. But it blew from top to bottom. It was definitely traumatizing for my boss who fell under more and more pressure until he finally lost it. And no. Turns out this was not a healthy work environment. It was, however, my first job out of school, the one that allowed me to quit my restaurant job that got me through high school and college. So this was a very big deal to me. It was a job in my industry. My industry. And I was so desperate to make it work that I just kept my head down and hoped for the best.

I lasted a month.

I lasted a month before my boss finally and quite publicly lost it, not long afterwhich my job was terminated. My position was not gonna be a staff position. That job no longer existed. And so I was out of there.

I would never have quit, by the way. I’m not gonna lie. It was a real job in my industry for which I was getting paid.

One more time: I would never have quit.

But I should have.

I should’ve made moves to find my next job much much sooner so that I could politely bring my time there to an end.

Why?

Because the professional relationships within the organization were messed up. Petty at times. Definitely with politics in play. And this: my boss actually developed a facial tick during the time I worked there as the pressure on him to manage two separate departments proved to be too much. And if I, as a young man barely out of school, could tell he was starting to buckle, it should’ve been obvious to everyone.

But it was something that was publicly neglected. And that’s a big red freaking flag.

That should’ve been enough for me to start heading for the door.

There was one another reason, though.

These were not my people.

These.

Were not.

My people.

And that definitely should’ve had me looking for the nearest exit.

One more time, though: I would never have quit on my own. That’s how badly I wanted to keep a job, any job, in my industry. Especially my first job.

Thank God they shut down my department. A department, by the way, made up of two people. My boss... and me.

It was a traumatizing experience. Not the least of which had to do with the fact that these were all adults I was working for. Yet professionals they were not. Filled with expertise they were not. Wise...

They were not.

Just the kind of people who weren’t worthy to have my career in their hands.

😡 😡 😡