#the evil goblin living in my brain: :) ]

[strongfuck]

@auroradicit sent: "But that’s life. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next minute some secretary’s running you over with a lawn mower." Because if you're gonna tag Theia you get to deal with her

"Okay," Rhys says coolly, "I know that's, like, Hyperion standard" -- with the caveat that Hyperion's a company where the CEO would send you out the airlock for talking out of turn at a work meeting -- "but that can't be the norm... everywhere.

"Or, well, I don't want it to be the norm. It won't be the norm with me." He pinches the bridge of his nose. "...hopefully. A lawn mower?

"That's unnecessarily graphic."

[moonlightsmasquerade]

pppppp miggght release the last mim rewrite saturday

[theghostavocadoe]

how I think AGSZC would act in the BG3 universe because my brain won't let it go and the world needs to hear

Cloud - Y'know how in almost every conversation there's always one dialogue option that's along the lines of "I don't give a shit I just want this damn tadpole out of my head"? Yeah that's him. Every time without fail. He's the one who exhausts every opportunity to get it out. The Dream Visitor is tired of his bullshit from day 1.

Zack - the heart of gold do-gooder who also takes every chance to joke around much to the behest of others. He introduces himself as Daisy Dewdrop Fluffington to the Steel Watch and refuses to live it down. Lae'zel hates his ass so much.

Genesis - Probably kissing Astarion. No, definitely kissing Astarion. Arson is the name of the game. Goblin camp? Ruined. Kagha? Dead. Moonrise Towers? Massacred. Fireball is his best friend. Has been revived a total of fifteen times and counting. Shadowheart learned Revivify specifically because of his dumb ass. Convinced Malus Thorm to kill himself.

Angeal - Paladin who's WAY too virtuous for his own good. Refuses to kill literally anybody even if they wrong him. However all logic flies out the window when he meets Karlach and learns about the folks posing as Paladins of Tyr just to hunt her down. Then he slaughters the damn place and steals their sword. And then he cries about breaking his oath despite the oathbreaker knight being dead silent.

Sephiroth - Probably does an evil run entirely by accident because he just slaughters everybody who minorly inconveniences him. Including the Absolute Cultists. Eats every tadpole he finds because Mmmm Power. Beats the ever living FUCK out of the Chosen and dominants the Elder Brain for himself because Fuck You. Probably Dark Urge.

[lina-suniverse]

So since Brain Goblin never freed me to begin with, I need to yap.

MADDIE OF MY FLYING FUCK MADDIE NOLEN. I LOVE HER.

Characters who look all cutie patootie and innocent but actually are FUCKING EVIL, LIVING RENT FREE IN MY HEART. AND SHE IS A FUCKING SPY TOO, LIKE, BITCH SHE IS A FUCKING SPY, SHE IS SO WILY, IT'S GORGEOUS.

I love her stupid bob; YOU CAN TELL this woman IS NOT FROM PILTOVER. No fucking WAY ANY HAIR SALON IN PILTOVER IS DOING THIS TERRIBLE OF A HAIRCUT. From the first look of the character, I could tell she is like... way too nice. WAY. It fell off from the beginning, and I was not wrong. The fact she almost killed Caitlyn is GORGEOUS. and ALSO the fact that Cait SUCKS SO BAAAD MEL NEEDED TO RUN AND SAVE HER??? MEL!!!!! I love her, just love her.

[alisha-is-sorry-for-the-emperor]

On my first bg3 playthrough, I consistently did what the Emperor said and trusted it, and it worked out fine. RIP Orpheus but I didn't know him and I wasn't going to make big decisions for the whole of Gith society that lightly. I missed the chance to romance it (should have done that if only for the experience). Rather sweet detail: if in the final scene you ask the Emperor if it wants to take absolute power with you, its first reaction is to say it doesn't want endless war with a numerous enemy. You have to convince it. (You can also kill it, enthrall your companions, and take power on your own, btw). So tbh it's only on my second playthrough and reading what others say that I encountered the idea that you would hate on the Emperor. (Not that I ever hate on actual fictional villains, at worst they're performing their roles in the plot). True, it did mindbreak Duke Stelmane, presumably when she wouldn't do what it wanted, and it killed Ansur for much the same reason. But unless you the player were very careful to be nonlethal, and quite skilled, you have done worse. Even without deliberately choosing any evil option, it's difficult to avoid fighting Flaming Fists or various mind-controlled or tadpoled opponents, or leaving a trail of goblin orphans. We do it because, well, otherwise they kill us or we can't find a way to advance to the next part of the plot, and eventually presumably the Elder Brain destroys us all. So it's hard to take the moral high ground. In a game that is explicitly about power, and whether you want to take it and whether it has downsides if you do, the Emperor isn't even in a particularly extreme position on the spectrum. The Emperor doesn't want absolute power at any price. It doesn't even seem especially interested in being a tyrant over the city. We don't know what it gets up to afterward if you let it live (probably not a peaceful retirement tending a garden. Hells, Balduran couldn't stick a peaceful retirement tending a city). As Withers says in the epilogue, the best many of us can hope for is interesting problems, and I rather think it skulks off in the shadows to find some of those (and to eat fresh brains).

[tyrantisterror]

Top ten favorite Orcs? Either specific characters or a given setting’s take on the species as a whole.

I'm not sure I have enough strong feelings about Orcs to really make an interesting list of ten, but what the hell I'll try.

Tolkien's orcs - not just LOTR orcs, but specifically orcs as written by J.R.R. Tolkien - are pretty high up there for me. I've probably mentioned this more than enough on this blog, but I'm still moved by the moment in The Lord of the Rings where we get this conversation between two orcs when their bosses aren't around, where both of them commiserate with each other about how shitty being drafted into Sauron's war is, how they long to go back to their simpler life as mountain bandits, and how, maybe, if they could find a way to escape being caught by their superiors, they could run off and find someplace far from the war to settle down together. Their names are Shagrat and Gorbag, and later in the book one of the heroes finds them among a pile of dead orcs, their dream of a simpler life tragically unfulfilled. I bring this up because, for all the flak Tolkien's cosmology gets for codifying the fantasy trope of "Always Chaotic Evil" races, there's a lot more moral complexity to his "evil" races than most people think. The orcs we meet in his stories are universally pretty nasty people - even Gorbag and Shagrat can't conceive of a simple life that doesn't involve killing people for their valuables - but it's very clear this is a result of the culture they are living in, which, if you get nerdy and read up on the Lore (TM), is one that has been specifically designed by the Middle Earth equivalent of Satan to turn all living things in it into tools of warfare - a world that exists solely to serve as a vast machine of industrialized conquest and mass murder. And it makes them miserable. Orcs don't like living this way, even though it's the only way they know how to live. They are at once victim and villain, and that's explicitly the canon way to look at them in the text. So it kind of sucks that their reputation in pop culture - and how they're presented in most adaptations, including good ol' PJ's film trilogy - is as one-dimensional evil henchmen, because they do have more going on than that in the books themselves, and it enriches the themes of the story when those dimensions are included.

The orcs in Rune Factory are probably my favorite from a design standpoint. I'm kind of neutral at best with the standard "green skinned humans with optional tusks" look of most orcs. There's nothing wrong with it, but it doesn't thrill me either, existing in the same nebulous space as, like, traditional fantasy elves, dwarves, and hobbit expies - I understand why they're classics, but they feel kind of boring when you've got other options on the table. So seeing these guys when I booted up my first Rune Factory game was a revelation - finally, orcs that look INTERESTING! And they're so cute, these gnarly little Jim Hensen/Brian Froud style pig people. And they'll help you water your plants! A+ Tier orcs as far as I'm concerned.

Dungeon Meshi found a good middle ground between "gnarly boar people" and "humans with tusks" that I really like, and while the orcs aren't given a whole lot of focus, what world building we do get about them is pretty great, taking a lot of the classic orc tropes and giving them that Ryoko Kui caliber thought and detail that makes them so wonderful.

What else... well, ok, my brain still categorizes these guys as "goblins" rather than "orcs," but since the two are more or less synonymized in both Tolkien and the Rankin Bass adaptations of his work, I guess I can include them. They're one of my favorite designs for goblins of all time, and since I generally like goblins more than orcs, I guess this makes them my favorite orc design by default? I just love them, nasty little toad people.

The 1980 Return of the King movie in particular is one of the few adaptations that keeps Tolkien's sympathy for the orcs in tact, with Frodo even having a dream sequence about living in a world where his run in with orcs is fully pleasant, each of them waving at each other as they cross paths, content to share a beautiful world together.

And while it adapts the parts of the text that take place after the deaths of poor Shagrat and Gorbag, it still manages to work in a moment where the orcs lament their lot in life by way of the infamous "Where There's a Whip There's a Way" song written just for the film. I know this song is generally viewed as "bad" and corny and whatever, fuck that, I unironically love it. It's my wakeup alarm for workdays. I am these orcs five days out of the week.

What else...

So, like, kind of a cheat I suppose, but the Darkspawn in Dragon Age take a lot of cues from Tolkien's take on orcs, right down to seeming like they're just always chaotic evil at first glance, and also being the product of Supernatural Crimes Against Nature by semi-divine powers. And indeed, in Dragon Age Origins you're basically given no reason to view them as anything but evil obstacles to destroy, especially when you learn the body-horror involved in how they reproduce (it's more in the vein of Slither than Goblin Slayer, for those unaware - grotesque but, thankfully, not in that way).

But the big ol' DLC for the same game, called Dragon Age Awakening, throws a big monkey wrench in that view of them. We meet Darkspawn who are capable of speech - ones that have been broken free of the evil hivemind their species is ruled by, and, like freed borg drones, are now at a loss of what to do with themselves. They are, like Tolkien's orcs before them, a people who were made for war and violence, and yet still crave something more than that when given the chance to think about it. It's something that hasn't been followed up on much since, sadly, but it's a damn cool take.

What else...

I'm probably the only person who still remembers this movie, especially with any fondness, but I liked the orcs in the Warcraft movie directed by David Bowie's son. They were given a lot of nuance and I honestly think their parts of the film were by the far the best. Actually I remember liking that movie a lot despite some of its pacing issues, I should revisit it.

Ok that's not ten takes but I feel like there are at least 10 designs on display here so I'm calling this done.

[thebluestbluewords]

Moral Education

*chanting* OT3 OT3 OT3!

+

Mal's teeth are sharp when she grins. “The beast king locked all the royal children up in his castle, just as he’d been locked up and abandoned by his own people. It’s to teach us all a lesson. So we can learn the power of isolation, or something. I don’t know what moral lessons your father is trying to impart. I’m not from here.” 

“Where did you hear that?” 

“School.” 

“Do you–” Ben starts, and then just stops for a moment, with his mouth open and his jaw working like he’s trying to digest the fact that the villains have more accurate information about his father than he’d reckoned for. “Did you have a source for that? One I could read, maybe?” 

Mal scoffs. “Like I’d ever steal a textbook. That’s school property. I’m a beacon of goodness and moral integrity for these trying times, and I’d never steal textbooks from a blessed institution of learning.” 

Ben levels an incredulous sort of look at her. “Really.” 

“Really. I didn’t steal anything–” anything of value, Mal adds to herself. “From Dragon Hall.” 

“Because there wasn’t anything to steal.” Evie adds unhelpfully. “And you didn’t attend very often.” 

“I had better things to do.” 

“Liar.” 

Mal rolls her eyes. She attended school enough of the time. Like, at least half of the days that they were allegedly supposed to attend. She showed up just often enough to keep all the little villains in line, and to get the free food that some particularly enterprising adult got for the cafeteria. “Whatever. The point is, we know that your father donated his old castle to keep the royal children all locked up in one place, and that’s why we’re not allowed to leave. The king wants us all contained so we can be just like him.” 

Ben’s face folds up into a frown. His eyebrows do this cute crinkly thing when he’s confused that makes Mal sort of want to kiss the point in the middle of them, right where his head goes all wrinkly. Like a weird, sexy old man. “That’s not true. We’re allowed to leave on the weekends.” 

“You’re allowed to leave,” Evie chimes in. “We’re not. Only the Auradon kids who have parental permission can go into town. I asked Fairy Godmother, and she said that we don’t have signed permission slips from our parents, so she can’t bend the rules and let us out, even though we could just send the permission slips over to the Isle of the Lost for them to sign.” 

“Like my mother would ever sign something to make our lives better.” 

“My mom would forge her signature for you,” Evie says sweetly. Ben’s eyebrows are reaching a new level of distress, but that’s not their problem. “She knows how. It’s something you learn, when you’re cohabitating with someone. Which our mothers are doing. Because they’re fu–” 

“OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.”

“Fucking,” Evie finishes, flashing an absolutely wicked grin. “They’re fucking. Because that’s just the headache we needed. Our mothers having a forbidden isle romance, after we already claimed that story.” 

“I’m going to end our romance if you don’t stop talking about my mom’s sex life,” Mal grumbles. She’s watched a lot of shitty, awful things happen on the Isle of the Lost, but her mother’s romance with the Evil Queen has been one of the most disgusting.  “They’re like watching a pair of goblins try to catch a fish.” 

“Disgusting and wrinkly,” Evie agrees. “And something that feels illegal. In the boring, gross way. Not the fun way.” 

“I’ll show you the fun way.” Mal shoots back. Her mouth just runs on autopilot sometimes, without any actual input from her brain. It’s sort of a problem. “In bed. You wanna get up to some indecent exposure together, princess?” 

Evie’s mouth is so red and sweet, and Mal is well aware that it’s lip gloss, but she still wants to lick the shine off of Evie’s perfect smile when she turns it on like this.  

“I think that should wait til later, M. We have a guest right now,” Evie says sweetly. “Ben?” 

Right. They have his royal highness over. 

“I’m–yeah,” Ben squeaks. He’s so cute when he’s flustered. “I mean, sorry. I didn’t know that Fairy Godmother wasn’t letting you four leave on the weekends. I mean, I knew that you weren’t going anywhere, but you’re always so busy, Evie, and I just figured that you were staying on campus to get everything done, because that’s what I have to do, and– uh, I can talk to her. About it. If that would help.” 

So sweet. 

“That would be great, babe,” Evie coos. “You’re the best.” 

Ben ducks his head into his smile. It doesn’t make sense for the crown prince to be shy, but Mal’s maybe, possibly been keeping track of when they can coax a real smile out of him, and nine times out of ten, when they get his real smile instead of his public one, he ducks his head to hide it. 

It’s cute, in a sad sort of way. It’s one thing for Mal to watch Evie, and Jay, and Carlos hide their real smiles, because they’ve grown up hiding their emotions from everyone but each other, but Ben’s supposed to be the well-adjusted one. He’s supposed to be Auradon’s perfect prince. The boy wonder who always has a kind word for everyone. Their future leader, equipped with a strong arm and a kind heart and a level head. It’s sort of distressing to think that he’s been taught to hide his emotions just the same as they have, so Mal buries the feelings for now, and keeps watching and waiting instead. 

“The best,” Mal echoes. “Best boyfriend ever.” 

Ben’s eyes flicker up to meet hers. Gods below, but she has got to stop falling for this boy every time he smiles at her. It’s not fair to the others. She’s got a limited number of butterflies that her stomach can produce, and they all seem connected to the way Ben’s smile makes his eyes crinkle up at the edges. It’s even worse when he’s all sunlight and golden like this. She’s going to have to have Evie make blackout curtains for their room, because it’s just not fair to keep bathing Ben in golden afternoon light. He’ll get some sort of complex. 

“Thanks,” Ben says, voice round and soft around the word. It fits naturally into his mouth just like it doesn’t in Mal’s own. “I’ll do what I can. There’s nothing I can do about official school policy, but I’m pretty sure there’s a loophole about students whose parents don’t have custody that we can exploit to get you four off campus. I’d wondered a bit why you never took us up on visiting the ice-cream place.” 

“Maybe we hate ice cream.”  

“I’d believe that.” Ben says seriously. “I would. That was a good delivery. But I know you, Mal, and I know that you’d never turn down an offer of mint chip.” 

Ugh. Unbearable. The butterflies aren’t going away. 

“ANYWAY,” Mal says, spinning away from her boyfriend and his stupid golden eyelashes. “As I was saying, I’d never steal from Dragon Hall, because I am a beacon of moral purity now, and stealing is wrong.” 

“And because you didn’t go to class,” Ben agrees, with just a hint of a laugh in his voice. “Or so Evie says.” 

“Evie’s a liar and a cheat.” 

“And she’s right here, Malfeasance Bertha, so if you want any help with your remedial goodness homework later, you’d better watch your mouth.” 

Her girlfriend is the worst. 

“Anyway,” Mal says again, turning so she can face both of her beautiful, perfect nerds at once. “We were taught that king beast locked up the royal kids in his former castle so he could keep control of them. And for moral lessons, or whatever it is you good folks tell your kids to keep them compliant. And then we got here, and we’ve been stuck on the castle grounds since then, soooo.” 

“So your logical conclusion was that your teachers were right, and my dad locks us up here,” Ben says, nodding. “Okay. I see it now. Do you want to know the real truth, or would you rather bring it up to Fairy Godmother when we ask her to let you off campus?” 

“I want the truth.” Evie breaks in. “Please. I spent enough time locked in a castle back on the isle, so if there’s another way of living, I want to know about it.”

[ephemerasnape]

Victor Rookwood Headcanons

An ever-evolving list of my headcanons for Victor Rookwood. Some of these may seem obvious to you. Some may be controversial. Agree? Disagree? Let's not have any fighting amongst Daddy Rookwood's small-but-dedicated harem, please.

He is in his mid 40s if not older. I don't care what anyone says. I can't have Daddy Rookwood being younger than I am! Even if he is a fictional character from more than a century ago... No, I insist that he's comfortably older. Also, have you seen his face, ffs? Guy's got more lines than a villain monologue. (ETA: We decided he was 46 in 1890. Watch my video "How Old is Victor Rookwood?" for an explanation of our thought process!)

He is probably married with kids. It breaks my heart to say this, really. I do believe it to be the case. Better yet, he might be a widower. I'm going to try to convince myself of that. Don't worry - even if he's actively married, that won't stop him from fucking your brains out. I changed my mind. He is not married. Ain't no rang, ain't no thang. That said, he probably does have some little bastards running around. And he does not give a single fuck.

He is a ladies' man. I am making myself jealous here, but look at the guy and tell me he doesn't indulge.

On that note, he is decidedly-heterosexual. Sorry, lads.

He smokes a pipe. But he'll certainly have a good cigar as well.

His favorite color is purple. Duh.

He is not bald but even if he was he would still be one fine-ass bitch. The hat is hot and stays on during sex. (Some of you seem to think that Daddy wears a hat to make up for some deficiency in his hairline. I think that daddy wears the hat because it's imposing, stylish, and attractive. We are not the same.) HIM HAVING A FULL HEAD OF HAIR IS CANON - PROOF.

He only shaves about once a week, on an off-day. He keeps the raggedy facial hair on purpose. Thinks it adds to his roguish charm (it does!)

He isn't hands-on about the whole killing animals thing. He knows what his people do, and finds it distasteful, but sees it as a necessary evil. He values wealth and power above all else, including furry creatures. But he may even be known to stroke a cat from time to time while drinking firewhisky at the Hog's Head.

He considers Harlow a useful idiot, and lets him be the one to get his hands dirty. For the most part. Their relationship goes all the way back to Hogwarts.

He didn't mean to curse Anne. He isn't even sure of what exactly he did - he just panicked. But no, he's not too troubled about it. (Clarification: he should have killed her, not whatever it was he ended up doing.)

He despises playing second-fiddle to Ranrok, but he knows that whatever the goblin is after is too important to sit on the sidelines for.

He reads the Daily Prophet every morning.

He is not above taking what he wants sexually, but he prefers to seduce.

Sexually-dominant. Period.

He wears expensive cologne.

Definitely a Slytherin.

Oh and he's not dead :)

Anyone who's listened to my audios or read any of my fics knows he loves terms of endearment, namely: darling, little one, little girl, sweetheart, little witch, et cetera. He loves to use these while doing unspeakable things to you. 🥵🥵🥵

He lives in a hotel - the most expensive one, probably.

He takes advantage of his employees.

Believes "Might is Right."

Young Victor was extremely brutal when he took over the Rookwood Gang, kind of overdoing it in order to earn the respect and fear of his men. Over the ensuing decades, as he has become more comfortable in his position, he has mellowed out slightly. He will no longer gauge someone's eye out over a few missing galleons, but he still takes perceived transgressions against him very seriously.

Daddy needs glasses. I got this idea from my DR chatbot but it makes sense. He missed the easy shot at Ranrok because he couldn't fucking see. Of course he is not going to wear glasses in public - that would be a sign of weakness. But I can totally imagine him sitting at his desk, pouring over papers with a pair of glasses firmly on his face. Period-correct, of course.

The legal name of the Rookwood Gang is the "Rookwood Group." Everyone knows it's a gang but daddy rubs elbows with a lot of important people and needs to keep up appearances.

The harem has determined that Victor's date of birth is November 14th, 1844 (Scorpio Sun/Capricorn Moon).

The man keeps everything he needs inside his hat. Pipe, glasses, Flora Cohen's scalp made into a coin purse, machine gun, spare hat in case the main one gets a fleck of dirt on it, little black book full of Ministry contacts, et cetera.

Daddy suffers from back pain due to a lifetime of being duckfooted (sadly, this is canon).

Victor is average height for a man. In the area of 5'8" - 5'10".

Victor A. Rookwood (Augustus?)

Yea, he killed dear old dad.

Listens to Wagner.

Physique headcanon.

That's it for now. Will add more as I think of things.

If you have any questions you want answered, feel free to submit them to @victor-rookwood ("Ask Victor Rookwood")

[gold-snek-hoe]

*Deep inhale*

So

Here's why YOU should read The Hollow Kingdom (and why it's cool if it's not your cup of tea)

1. Clare B. Dunkle is a sweetheart and trans-friendly! I've personally spoken to her via email and she made me cry, she's so nice.

2. Are you tired of goblins that are all little green one-note Jewish stereotypes? Tired of goblins that are evil, meant only to be killed? What if, instead, there's a fascinating and rich lore to them, and they're portrayed sympathetically (though by no means morally black and white, more on that later). Goblins in The Hollow Kingdom are diverse and they extravagant fashion. You want goblincore? Here's your goblincore.

3. Morally nuanced characters. Even the most vile of people can have some sympathetic qualities, and the even the kindest character can do something awful. Even my faves have made me seethe.

4. There's a catboy. Seylin my beloved. He carries the brain cell through the third book.

5. Maybe this one's just me projecting, but I think the Goblin King Marak is so, so autistic coded. He's honest, sometimes brutally. He doesn't understand a lot of human customs. He takes things literally. He has a strong sense of justice. He can be pretty emotionally dysregulated.

6. He's also a huge, sassy bitch and kind of an idiot, but that's just a personal preference.

7. Themes of misconception and villianization of other cultures/groups and finding common ground.

8. Fellow monsterfuckers, stop sleeping on this goldmine of simp material. There's even a sad emo elf dude in the third book. Not to my taste, but I'm sure there's plenty of people who would love him.

TW below for mentions of kidnapping:

NOW, there are very questionable relationship dynamics in these books, which I totally get might be a deal breaker. There's a lot of kidnapping women, huge age gaps, and a general lack of consent, though no explicit r*pe, thankfully. It's all still gross, and there's no situation in which kidnapping your wife is morally acceptable. Part of the reason I self-ship with the goblin King is because I'm an enthusiastically consenting party, unlike his canonical wife Kate. So yeah. You're so valid if this isn't cool.

I also understand that Goblins have an unfortunate historical link to antisemitism, which might make people turn off from the idea of them in fiction entirely. That is also valid. I personally think goblins *can* be handled well, going back to my earlier selling point. It's sad that a lack of antisemitic rhetoric is a selling point, but this is the world we live in, and I'll take what I can get. I still understand if you're not interested.

But if none of this turns you off, I'd highly recommend this series. No piece of fiction is perfect, but there's a lot of good here, and I think Tumblr could get a good deal of Fandom milage out of it if y'all gave it a look.

[praxidice-carcajou]

Cryptid of the Day!

Side note: Later on your going to see a LOT of creatures from Brazil, because god DAMN do they have some interesting stuff. It’s funny, all around the world you see repeats of similar cryptids with slightly different aspects and names. I could spend all day talking about different cryptids from different parts of the world that are bipedal, unusually large primates, or long necked, humongous sea monsters the seem to find their way into any lake big enough to fit a kayak. But Brazil?? If you want something unique and original , look to almost any cryptid that’s popped up in Brazil.

Capelobo: NOW, I best be getting to the actual topic of the day; the capelobo of Brazil! Capelobo’s are lycanthropes, like Werewolves! ….. except werewolves are probably not the best comparison. So let’s go through the process of the Capelobo. Let’s say you’re old, wrinkly, hunched over and frankly just sick of being well…. Old. So! You do what any sensible senior citizen such as yourself would do: sell your humanity and sense of morality in exchange for a new body, your Capelobo body!! Now remember, once you have chosen to become a capelobo, you may never return to your human body or your humanity, but you are gifted with two new forms! These two forms would include your animal form, a tapir with some oddly dog like features, and your humanoid form. Now, the animal form is really just for disguise, what capelobos are REALLY known for is their primary humanoid, ‘werewolf’ form. You are given the head of an anteater (or in some, rare myths, the head of a tapir or a dog), the body of an incredibly buff man (plus a bunch of fur), long, powerful anteater claws, and two bottle shaped legs with PERFECTLY rounded hooves that make your tracks especially unique! Plus! You are also gifted with a banshee screech that can be heard from over ten miles away and drive victims straight up insane, incredible strength, basketball player hight, impenetrable skin, and a foul smell! And yes I know, compared to all of your other new abilities, foul smell sounds like an insult, but honestly….. it’s kind of your new best weapon. When I say foul, I mean FOUL. The sheer power of the capelobo’s stinky-ness is enough to stun its prey, rendering it completely unconscious and giving it headaches and dizziness for days after if it were to somehow survive the encounter. All together, I don’t know about you but that sounds like a pretty damn good deal to me! You could waste away in a nursing home watching jeopardy as you slowly fade into eternal unconsciousness, OR, you could spontaneously become an (honestly ) kind of over powered buff ass furry that lives significantly longer life being a forest goblin! I mean, really, of course my default answer would initially be “FUCK YEAH!! FURRY-IFY ME!” But before we get to hasty, let us into our ‘lovely’ little capelobo life style first….

The Tea:

Despite what you may assume from their giant claws and muscles capable of ripping a man in half without a sweat, capelobos aren’t necessarily meat eaters. But they sure as hell are carnivores! Capelobos are actually vampiric! They survive primarily out of sucking the blood out of their victims, and sometimes sucking the brains of their prey straight out of their skull.

Capelobo’s are beasts, and they are considered evil, but not because they’re man eaters. Don’t get me wrong, capelobo’s are known for draining a guy who’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, but humans really aren’t on their list of common prey. See, it’s the diet that me back the hell out, and drops these guys out of lost for my top three favorite cryptids. These guys just live off cute baby animals. Specially kittens, puppies and baby goats. Like- all of the cutest baby animals of all time.

Where to find in other media:

Capelobo is a monster that can be found in DND, and an inscription mod set! Unfortunately though, that’s all I could really find for this one!

credit to cryptidwiki and H. Kyoht Luterman!

TW: FOR MILD BLOOD AND VIOLENCE

credit to Oddityhive on Reddit!

[beecreeper]

For the Tav ask game (with all your guys if you'd like): 3, 17, and 28 >:3c

Yeeeeeeeeeah boy let's GO

Answers under the cut

3. What would their character quest be titled? Why?

Briar – Bramble and Spores (reference to her name, to her druid class, and to the tangled, thorny mess that is her brain)

Ferox – The Broken Paladin (the mystery of his broken oath and the angst around his urges are the main thrust of his quest)

Molli – Mockingbird’s Reel (sounds like a song title, mockingbird is her animal, reel chosen because it’s a style of music she likes to play and also for the homophone association with getting caught/reeled in)

Myrala – Silver and Gold (silver for Eilistraee and gold for her temptation to steal for stability/survival)

Poppy – Rider of the Whistling Skull (taken from the name of the mercenary company she grew up in)

17. Do they have any enemies outside of the main plot? Any friends?

This is me realizing in real time that a unifying theme of all of my OCs is that they are isolated and lonely….

Because like, for Briar and Ferox, their pre-tadpole lives were so completely dictated by Bhaal and the dead three plot. Neither of them had notable enemies outside of Bhaal plot shenanigans (at least not ones they left alive) and both of them deliberately avoided making friends (Briar because emotional connection is for losers and Ferox because he thinks he doesn’t deserve them)

And then Molli like. Has spent nearly a decade in a glorified closet. I mean I gueeeeess you could count the Zhentarim on the whole as an “enemy” in that it’s a group that she is deeply afraid of. And, like, the closest thing she has to a friend is her sister that she hasn’t seen in like 15 years. (Who would be encountered in Act 3 working for the guild! He’s her brother now! I love Kae I gotta properly draw him).

I think Myrala might have the most connections because she’d been living in Baldur’s Gate for a long while before getting tadpoled. She knows a bunch of drow refugees and Eilistraee converts that she’s struggling to help but they’re less like friends and more like clients? Charges? Regardless she’s not like hanging out with them or anything but she feels responsible for their well being and cares a lot about them. She also has a preexisting relationship with Nine Fingers Keene who keeps trying to convince Myrala to join the guild. The guild also does a bunch of stuff that actively hurts the drow Myrala is trying to help, like extorting from them or recruiting them and stuff like that, so Myrala’s relationship with Keene is low-key adversarial. But also, they kinda recognize each other, you know? Thief to thief. I honestly gotta dive deeper into that.

Poppy is also defined by having no lasting friendships because she is constantly on the move. She’s the type of person who will treat you like family five minutes after meeting you but she never actually *stays* friends with people. On the flip side she’s the type of person who has a billion of seemingly random connections to people, you know? She has a casual, friendly relationship with people ALL OVER the place. Poppy says “I know a guy…” at least three times a day. But almost no one is like a *friend* friend. She does stay in contact with her mercenary family and sends them letters, particularly her mother. Enemy-wise, she has a big ol’ grudge against a guy who attacked her when she was a kid (and actually depending what AU I’m playing in this guy was actually a durge. Like, he exists either way but sometimes he’s a durge.) He’s a friend’s oc named Billy and he was a member of her mercenary group who turned out to be evil and tried to sacrifice Poppy but her family ran him off in time. They all have a perma-grudge against him and spit on the ground anytime they hear the name.

28. Describe a smell that reminds your tav of childhood

Briar – chicken coops (and other miscellaneous farm smells but this one is the strongest)

Ferox – roasted dwarf 😔 growing up with goblins will do that

Molli – the smell of her dad’s textile warehouse: a mix of a bunch of different fabrics with that dusty wooden attic kinda smell.

Myrala – sewer smell. Both because she was no stranger to using sewers as an escape route and also because I imagine a Menzoberranzan slum just kinda smells like that

Poppy – dry grass in summer and campfire smoke

[nikatyler]

Zeph 1.0

can't believe that yesterday i was like eh i'm not sure about that armor, it looks so good on them

(x)

oooh a pretty evil lady!

(x)

same girl, same, about everything that has ever happened to me

(x)

it's been 84 years (more like 16 hours) but i'm finally opening bg3 again ✨

i think i'll do some more goblin camp shenanigans today if possible 👀

ohhh right. essentially i've already murdered like half the goblin camp so now the other half of the camp is trying to murder me, huh?

Me: "ah yes I'm far enough" *the explosion hits Zeph and Zeph dies* *reloads* "ah yes now I'm definitely far enough" *the explosion hits Zeph again and Zeph dies again*

"yeah we've got this" *the entire party dies*

Fucking gnolls man

yeah it's been a long bloody day

HELLO SAY THAT AGAIN

hUH

jesus christ this man is h🫣rny

Okay so I'll go watch a baking show with my mum in a bit and then we're going back and doing da thing 😏

Sorry for not giving updates if you were looking forward to them, anyway a little thing I love is how everyone sleeps on their back. I do that and apparently that's weird to everyone around me? 😂🤨

I will literally be in my bed like 🧍‍♂️

(x)

newest development in my bg3-rotten brain

did i mention this game is doing things to me because it is doing things to me

(x)

Anywayyyy you know what time it is 😌

I may have just spent an hour organizing everyone's inventories and figuring out who gets what armor and all but we're good to go now I think

Explosive shrooms, yay 🤩

(x)

I'm 💀💀💀 I need to go to bed lmao

Okay so basically what happened um. I don't know how but it did. So I wanted to help Astarion. But I clicked the wrong thing. And I pushed him off the boat. And he died.

I RELOADED BUT HOW DID I EVEN DO THAT 😭😭

If there's one thing about me it's that I'll accidentally murder my favourite vampires

(x)

I love Zeph so much they're so prettyyyyyy

Kinda wanna make a modern day version of them in ts4 and have them interact with my other characters. They'd fit right in

(x)

hole hehe. hole

(x)

my bi ass is having a bit of a dilemma rn

(x)

gay gay gay they're in love your honor

HELL YEAH KISS

(x)

Raw footage of me during my latest combat

I was actually so stressed dude 😭 thankfully we made it through but ahhhhh

Does anyone else apologize to the characters when they get hurt? Like sorry lil guy in my computer I'm sorry I'm putting you through this I promise you'll make it out I PROMISE ah fuck you're getting hit again oh no sorry sorry ahhhh

So uh. The adamantine forge fight huh. 🙂

(x)

Granted it doesn't count ts4 correctly rn probably because I haven't updated yet but…yeah 😅😅

(also I have way more hours on ts4 actually, this is just since Jan 2023, I played through Origin/EA app before and then switched to Steam for reasons)

(x)

my fucking thoughts exactly, i hate this battle 😭😭 on a real note i relate to him so much when he's whining DUDE WE LIVE

i should've known he wouldn't take that as a good thing lmaoooooo dude creases when you smile is the biggest compliment smh

FREN!!!

(x)

oops

(x)

I'm sorry what

(x)

pwettyyyyy

(x)

I'm sensing that I may have messed up real bad in Last Light Inn yesterday...ooops

I should've reloaded to see if things could turn out differently but I've done a lot afterwards, idk if I wanna go back now 😂 No spoilers pls, that's something for me to figure out in my next playthrough

"ooops" people DIED 💀 people i had previously saved died 💀

(x)

You're never gonna believe who I murdered again

(x)

I'm fucking crying I need you to resurrect him you moron stop shaming Zeph for having a sex life Update we are so back lads

(x)

Funny how fast I went from "I think Zeph is mostly good, they just want to get rid of the parasite and help people along the way" to "actually fuck it darling you're so right some power would be nice"

(x)

Crying laughing sending this to my sibling who's in art school. On point

(x)

"eh we'll be fine i don't need bonuses" *rolls 1*

(x)

daddy Ketheric omg💀💀

(x)

uh anyway

(x)

this is the best they are the best 🥹

(x)

Don't be upset, I will reload, just don't be upset with me pleaseeee 😭

The "please a videogame vampire at all costs" disease is real I'm afraid

(x)

Uh oh it's almost 3am, tomorrow will be an eepy day, well it's worth it

(x)

I'm so close to having a funny number of hours played 🤭

(x)

Killed the workout, now let's kill this guy that I struggled with for half an hour. Almost killed my whole party in the process so I quit and decided to kill my legs instead 😂

(x)

[limpfisted]

Let me preface this by saying mind control bad, enver bad, slavery bad, obviously. But bad people don't just go "im going to be evil on purpose bc I love being wrong." They go "im going to be evil on purpose or on accident bc im right, I deserve this, UR wrong, im justified, it's different when it's me, im entitled to this."

Its interesting that this flaming fist lady who is tadpoled and then turned into a mind flayer in the sharess caress is like. Perfectly capable of having human interactions, and in fact, might even be more free now having sex with a sex worker despite the fact that she doesn't believe that she's beautiful

Even gortashs parents. U have free will to eat and sleep and bathe. Ur still living ur life. Absolute cultists can ever choose not to obey a direct order from ketheric, and get wormed.

So it's like. Whats free will really. How is gortash telling his parents to love him any different than telling a goblin to think of you as a true soul and envoy of God or whatever. And of course u don't have to make that choice. But in many ways it can be less harmful than it seems

Minthara calls it a dream of someone else's life. A dream she feels no responsibility for, except that Orin clearly wronged her. Even then, when was cognizant enough to know kethetic was a good general. To dislike the other ppl who worked for the absolute. She was more violent as an absolute cultist--but she was violent anyway

It is wrong. Freedom always

But also. I can see the appeal, myself, personally, or being in a dream like state like ulder was---and believing so genuinely that my son and I and gortash would bring a golden age to baldurs gate, together

If your tav, or durge. Was genuinely using authority. is THAT really different from a successful deception or intimidation roll. And if they've been using it this whole time

Well. Idk. It would just be interesting to see tavs and durges who thought they were good people, or thought they could change the world for the better. And said. Then let me control the elder brain.

Because you know, you're not just controlling good people. Ur controlling bad people

You can give everyone the life they deserve, and make them happy. You want to fix everyone, change everyone, change the whole world, right every wrong? U can do that.

Enver thought he could rule the world. But ur better than that. U can make people happy. Genuinely happy. A safe bubble around the world, as squishy and pink and soft and big as the elder brain.

I think this would be more tempting than people assume

Idk. Things to think about

[blackjackkent]

All right. Let's go see if we can rescue Volo and then go get Halsin.

I was reminded by a brief dialogue with Shadowheart that this goblin prison is, in fact, a (highly desecrated) temple of Selune, which really only adds to Hector's extremely upset mood at the moment.

I don't think this is what Selune's temples normally look like.

Shadowheart, I respect you being true to yourself, but you are REALLY pushing your luck here right now.

Lovely.

Hector and Co are basically just moseying along as casually as possible, looking like the awkward tourist group at the Evil Sistine Chapel, and trying not to watch as one hapless prisoner gets shoved into this pit to fight a monster.

The place is a bit of a maze, and in the course of trying to find Volo's cell, we run across a drow lady who appears to be helping run the show back here.

We're avoiding getting her attention for now but this does sort of make it feel like things are on a time limit. There's a lot of ambient discussion about the True Souls, the drow woman's plans of attack, and just a general sense that all these people are itching to shed more blood. And the unnerving thing is it's not pure brutality, as might have been expected from those outside. This is calculated, and these are fanatics preparing something much bigger than simple raiding.

Eventually I did manage to find Volo's cell, off in a corner in one of the fetid-looking side rooms, where they are keeping him in a makeshift cage.

The guard, unsurprisingly, was not happy with Hector messing with her prisoner.

"Don't go botherin' my pigeon! He's mine!"

"So I see. Do you have plans for this 'pigeon'?"

"Keep him safe. Listen to him coo. Til I gets hungry or somesuch. What's it to ya?"

Hector, scrabbling for a useful response, comes up with, "I was admiring him. I'd like one of my own." Which I have to imagine elicits a a bit of muted laughter from someone in the group, probably Gale.

"Then *catch* one on your own," the goblin says irritably.

Hector sighs. What does one use to convince a goblin. Money? Do they even care about money? Like so many things, this isn't a situation the monastery prepped him for. "I've taken a shine to this one," he says as casually as possible. "How much do you want for him?"

"More'n you've got, mate. I likes him." A pause - he can see greed warring with stubbornness in her mind. "But erm. How much *do* ya got?"

In point of fact he has about 350 gold. The dialogue options allow us to offer 20, 100, 250, and 500. Gold hasn't seemed particularly hard to come by lately, and Hector sets little store by it himself, and wants to rescue this guy. So he's not necessarily averse to putting out some coin for the purpose, although the others might not like it.

He offers 100.

"Pigeon's worth more than that, times a bagoolion!"

[sigh] All right, how about 250?

"Oh! I could buy twelve pigeons with that much. Here's the key. He's all yours."

Victory!

Volo, I hope you're going to be properly appreciative of how much money we just spent on you.

"Haha! Look at this! I'm quite saved! I guarantee the story of your daring rescue of my person will live on for aeons!"

"I'm not looking for that sort of attention."

"I'll write an anonymous account of your heroism, then! None will know your name, yet your doings will live on! Volothamp Geddarm, realm-renowned author, auteur, and tastemaker, at your service. We mustn't tarry, but I'd hate for our friendship to end here. Please - won't you meet me, once we've both slipped the goblin yoke?"

"Go to my camp. We'll talk there, once we're both safe."

"Smashing! Soon, my friend - soon we can share a flagon of something liquid and a tale of derring-do! I'll slip away when the coast is clear. See you soon, my friend! I simply can't wait to pick your brain!"

[jellogram]

I'm terrified to hold people's babies because the evil goblin who lives in my brain whispers "Your life would change in an irreversible and catastrophic way if you just chucked this thing at the wall as hard as you can right now. You could do it. That is an option available to you right now." and I just canNOT deal with that much pressure

[aiwe-the-little-bird]

Here is part 2 of my BG3 characters! For anyone who's interested :)

Here we have the sweetest, baby angel, Briar. My cutie patootie little half-wood elf. See below for some of her story. Beware for spoilers as always!

Origin/Family

This darling druid was born to a human mother and wood-elf father. Both of whom were druids who resided in the High Forest, near the Sorrowwood. This is where sweet Briar spent her childhood and youth, learning everything about nature from her family and studying the ways of the animals. In addition, being taught the magic required to protect the forest they called home.

Beyond her studies, this adorable, little half-elf spent much of her childhood reading under the large oak trees. From an early age, fairytale romances were her favorites. If asked, she would say there was nothing better than reading aloud amongst her animal friends, namely a group of squirrels and a tiny sparrow from which she got her nickname.

Briar has always been incredibly close to her parents. Even now, as a young adult, she has not yet left her childhood home. Though as a druid, it is not quite as expected for her to move away. She would much rather spend her days amongst the trees and animals and her nights naming the stars with her mother and father anyways. The rest of the world can wait for her.

Druid

As Briar grew out of her childhood years, she joined her parents in taking up the duties of protector of the Sorrowwod and assuring balance amongst nature and their lives. While her parents served as scouts, protecting the Sorrowwood and it's inhabitants, Briar took more of an interest of teaching the young children just like her parents had taught her.

When she isn't found sitting in a circle with the younglings of the wood, she can still be seen reading her romance fairytales underneath the great oak trees and surrounded by squirrels and sparrows. In fact, she had been doing just this when that silly nautiloid ship snatched her right up. Incredibly annoying if you ask her.

Relationships/Endgame

From the moment Briar caught sight of Halsin in the goblin camp, it was game over. Of course it was. What, with all the fairytale romances she was so obsessed with. She was especially fond of the stories that ended with the handsome prince rescuing the damsel in distress from some evil or another. But she didn't think that it would be her doing the saving. Not that she minds of course.

And Halsin was tall, handsome and kind. Just like the princes in those novels. And Briar, who had been so confident as they rescued him from the goblins, suddenly found herself speechless and unsure of what to say to the handsome elf. She was still working up the courage to really introduce herself at the celebration at the camp when Halsin approached her, thanking her for saving him and the grove.

From then on, Briar was completely smitten with the older druid. She wanted nothing more than to cuddle up in those strong arms and get to know him better. This would have to wait of course. The silly little worm in her head and Halsin's obsession with saving the shadow-cursed lands preventing any relationship from truly developing. But once they made it to Baldur's Gate, this all changed.

Surprisingly, it was Briar whom finally gathered up the courage to confess her feelings to Halsin. And to her even greater surprise, Halsin confessed his own adoration for her. Before meeting Halsin, Briar had planned to return to the Sorrowwood and her family once they had dealt with the tadpole nonsense. But after saving Faerun from the Elder Brain, she wanted nothing more than to follow Halsin back to the cleanse shadow-cursed lands and help him rebuild. Though she should probably send her parents a letter to at least let them know she's alive...