#the dots because there is no set timing
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i wonder if iāll ever learn to recognise the signs that are so blatantly OBVIOUS š©øš©øš©ø
#just some PMDD rambles scroll scroll scroll i just need to scream a little#it would help if my periods were regular and not āhmm not this month... maybe 3 weeks later?ā#or āoh itās only been 3 weeks? here we go again time is a constructā#but still. one week prior i go more insane than usual. few days before i can't sleep and think of death. EVERY TIMe. but no. i don't connec#the dots because there is no set timing#and i am an insane girl and there is always something external i can attribute it to#anyway i only started noticing this not that long ago which makes me wonder#did i always have this or is it another gift from long covid?#should i bother trying to get a diagnosis? or will it only make doctors more likely to 'it's just anxiety' me? hmm#for now i would love to have less pain thanksbye#//
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house: this has absolutely nothing to do with wilson
also house: [brings up wilson unprompted] [spends 95% of the session either talking about wilson or deliberately avoiding talking about wilson] [literally admits itās about wilson]
#yes they set it up as though the true root cause was cuddy in the end#but I beg you to consider that 1) house agreed to seriously unpack his feelings of rejection re: wilson in relation to his exacerbated#drinking & the bar fight#and 2) the patient of the week deliberately evoked moments from houseās head/wilsonās heart#with particular emphasis on the brain surgery#which was the one time that wilson ever put house second to someone else#specifically a girlfriend#AKA the exact curveball that house has just been thrown for a second time (albeit in a less grave context)#nolan suggests that house punished the patientās husband the way heās punishing himself because theyāre both losing someone they love#yes we could assume that his alcoholism was made worse by cuddy and lucasās commitment#but alsoā¦ house started drinking himself into blackouts when sam and wilson got together. not when cuddy and lucas got together#which reminds me ā the last time that house sought out getting trashed at the bar#was when WILSON AND AMBER GOT TOGETHER. this is a pattern for him.#he goes out and destroys himself when wilson becomes seriously romantically involved. ERGOā¦. this whole thing WAS abt wilson#Iāve connected the dots#house md#greg house#gregory house#hilson#james wilson#house/wilson#hatecrimes md#that āsay itā was literally him asking nolan to call him a fā
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I was wondering how achieve such a wonderful textured finish on your pieces? They are wonderful and I love their resemblance to aged photographs and the speckles of colors in the backgrounds. Your art is mesmerizing :)
you can see some of the texture brush sets i use in my #info_asks tag but i have some more (procreate) tips aside from just brushes
also hi i made this whole thing and then stupidly hit ctrl z to erase ONE word and i lost the entire bottom half of the post and all my image descriptions so fuck you tumblr i had to make this twice
to get a faded photo or old digital screen look, consider duplicating the canvas (once all the layers are merged) and using a gaussian blur tool on the new duplicated layer. then set that to low opacity to add a misty sort of look. looks nice in combination with some chromatic abberation and a small bloom effect. then a subtle noise filter on top:
for faded print effects, it's really worthwhile to learn how to use layer masks. you can use a layer mask to non-destructively 'weather' blocks of colour or lineart, without erasing the layer itself. the weathered ink/block print effect here was made using layer masks which means that if i just hide the mask, the lineart becomes solid black again and easy to alter or colour in:
for old paper effects you can just set a paper texture on multiply over the art sure, but you can also combine it with the blur & bloom thing, a really subtle drop shadow and canvas tilt, and highlights to make it look like an aged photograph of a card. this originally had a transparent bg but i'll post it here with a white bg so that the drop shadow is more obvious. the scuffed edges of the card (left) were hand drawn, simple white stucco brush. the bigger patch of scuffed ink (top right) was a texture stamp.
for block print looks you can move the colour layer out of alignment by a few pixels - but only after you're absolutely sure you're done with it, otherwise you'll get something like this -
i forgot to erase out her eye before i moved the red layer so now her eye defeats the 'look' of a misaligned print. the black lineart and red layer were also given the same layer mask treatment as described above to make them look faded or like the ink didn't stick down right to the paper
you can do this with multiple colour layers too. if the colour layers are separated and set to multiply (as in this cmyk example), it'll leave halos and edges around each shape which mimic old comic book print
just to show what you can do WITHOUT any special brushes, here's a piece of one of my mez tarot cards from before i got any extra brushsets at all. for this one, i added a green tint over everything to mimic a sun-bleached or faded print (my actual goal wasn't 'medieval illustration' but actually 'trading card from the 60s that got left on someone's windowsill for decades'). the background texture is the procreate noise brush. the texture under the green lion drawing is the procreate concrete brush (to make it look painted onto a wall). the lettering and lineart is procreate's 6B pencil. but to properly aim for The Look of it being a printed physical object, i also used a perspective blur so that the edges are out of focus, and metallic gold highlights which don't match the lighting of the actual illustration and appear to be catching some other external light. that texture was made from the procreate noise brush
it's pretty simple compared to my later stuff but i still really like the effect
in terms of colours, you need to keep them unified so that they all appear to be acting under the same external light source, like if someone is holding up a torch to a painting then the painting colours will be glazed with firelight even if there's no painted fire. a really easy way to do this is to slap a multiply layer over everything in one shade - grey-yellow for a weathered paper look, or greenish blue for sunbleached photos. this unifies all the colours of the drawing. or you can apply a gradient map at a low opacity so that there's only a subtle change. or just do it by hand - if you want everything to be slightly tinted yellow, just pick the colours you normally would, but move the colour wheel towards yellow to get a yellowfied version of the base colour. easy
it's really important to consider how fading and weathering can affect printed colour. white paper yellows, black fades. you will rarely see pure black or pure white. which means you can use pure black or pure white to add external effects like the white scuff marks on the hierophant card. if the whole drawing is yellowed from age but there's some white somewhere, it's an easy shorthand to show that the scuff mark or whatever was not originally part of the drawing (great way to add some nasty stains lol)
#info asks#i don't have like a specific set of steps i follow i kind of freestyle it every time#obviously i have favourites i like to use but like that sphinx drawing? don't ask me how i did it because i don't remember#i just played with it until it looked nice. the blue dots are ... some sort of effect layer i don't remember which
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jump scared by the 4th Doctor saying "well" with an uncanny intonation to how 10 says it, except I thought that was just a David Tennant-ism considering he does it in everything eventually, like, that CAN'T have started with him copying this cadence and absorbing it into his being? Right?
#I'm a season in on Baker and I understand now#his entire presence is in his voice which is of course impossible to see in random pictures and such#INCREDIBLY deep and rich voice#and while his performance is to me otherwise probably upper-middle-tier so far#the writing has taken a huge jump in quality even while staying in the serial format which sets some pretty dreadful pacing limitations#that have so far been the bane of all 12 seasons I've watched#what with demanding a silly fake cliffhanger 3-5 times a story and thus getting everyone kidnapped and imperilled way beyond common sense#the writing is either good enough to compensate#or they're going less out of their way to move everyone around like chess pieces to be in peril on the dot#and after binging this much of it even one smooth episode transition per serial is a relief#and then of course Baker is delivering all the lines with that sonorous voice and smoothing it all over further#I can see why people would advise starting with Baker simply because the episodes feel more digestible and easy to chew#of course having started at the start#the improvement scale I'm working on is rather warped :P#several B&W era Who I was fully showing up For Science with an anthropology hat on to study 1960s britain#because it was all such a hurdle#this is just like. Acceptable if adorably janky TV by now :P#doctor who
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Laptop, now available for 500 pet-tickets (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#W. D. Ghoster#It's a fair exchange don't worry about the arcade ticket-counter jacked up prices just go right ahead and buy now pay later#More of this because it's cute lol#I had a few more that were more general thoughts and trying to expand without getting So huge that they were unworkable lol#Striking that balance āØ Reasonable attainable goals! Probably! Lol#He's just fun to play around with hehe āŖ#I also felt like I was finally starting to fall into a comfortable pattern of drawing him here haha - still no studies but getting happier#Dot eyes are quite cute hehe#He's made up of a lot of elements I've forgotten over time! Smooth round head and no nose bridge exactly - no ears lol#Takes a bit to fall back into the groove but him being cute helps#I do really like the little two-set of him shooing the player's hand away from petting haha#And then being so sassy about remaining unbothered haha - he has a new toy! Stop distracting him!#Yes I spelled gratitude wrong it's fine lol#I'm also quite partial to trying to talk about ukagakas with him and him stubbornly refusing to engage haha#Just a quick fourth wall break that he blatantly ignores hehe#And the final stage - acceptance#Haha āŖ
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if your ocs were bosses in a video game, what do you think their boss fight would be like?
#red rambles#im thinking about this with mine and curious what other people have thought up#sidebar: i have been thinking about things like 'mechamics' and 'the kinds of attacks they'd use' and 'phases' and 'gimmicks'#i havent detailed them all here because i figured it wouldn't be what other people wanted to read#unfortunately it seems also everyone else thinks this. i want to hear about your mechanics....#so i guess ill go add mine in#kit and kat would be a pair of optional bosses who you fight together - kit a dex build who moves into a strength+dex combo in her second#phase; she doesn't get a second health bar#but it gets dramatically harder to hit her and she stops getting stunned nearly as easily in the second phase#and her hits get much harder#KAT (her gimmick partner) also has a second phase#if you haven't killed Kit before you activate Kat's second phase#(Kat gets a second health bar) she teleports herself and Kit out of the boss fight arena and (as they're optional)#this technically means you can progress but you get no winnings#and the next time you come back they're there again#im imagining them like ds1r havel where he's just like in a shortcut. they're camping a door#anyway you have to fully kill Kit to#get to kill Kat#and her second phase will activate when Kit dies in that case#and she'll go from infrequent but hard-hitting long-distance attacks to frequent long-distance attacks with less intensity behind them#and a set of melee attacks that do a lot of damage but require her to grapple you so if you don't get grabbed you're alright#meanwhile rex (the other one i discussed on discord) is a mainline boss who keeps dying and then just showing up again but he dies like#his ass is DEAD he's not walking off he DIES. okay?#you have to kill him at least twice for the mainline quest and there's even more optional places you can kill him#the first three or four sequential fights (only one of which is mainline) he's human the whole time#the second mainline fight he changes forms and his second phase is in dragon form#and he doesn't get a second health bar or anything but he does get aoe fire attacks#and gets to visibly take damage at increasing levels before you kill him#he also has a mechanic where on his last dot of health he can absorb like 4x the normal amount of damage#so when he should be one hit away from death he is in fact four or five hits away from death
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PR account posting about Spinel before tomorrow's episode (here). I wonder if we'll get to know a bit more about Spinel's motivations since they mentioned "what could his goal be...?".
They also posted about Amethio (here). A recap featuring a scene from HZ045 where Amethio uses Terastal. I wonder if this means he could possibly use Terastal in HZ064. Also liked the mention that the battle against Rayquaza led Liko and the others to attempt Terastal training. (Witnessing Terastal against Friede motivating Amethio to eventually do the same, which in turns motivates Liko as well and introduces the Terastal arc, etc. One's growth leading to another's.)
And a final tease of Sango and Onyx (here). Happy to see they'll be around too! I was wondering if they'd have some kind of winter outfits, but it seems like maybe they don't get too cold in this kind of weather.. Sango does have an Ice Pokemon as her main partner so she is probably resistant to cold? And since Onyx is always with her, maybe he is used to it as well now.
#spinel#sango#onyx#amethio#hz064#character notes#episode notes#potentially learning more about spinel makes me both curious and nervous#depending on what he is aiming for this could change my view of his character a lot etc#also that bit of amethio and his terastal phrase is good.. will he use it again or not#and sango and onyx back together as things should be. they are a set do not separate#love sango's look! her scarf is cute and the academy uniform suits her#seems like they'll both be facing roy and dot.. shaking things up a bit which is interesting#because usually they are facing liko and roy. so now dot is involved with them a bit more#is this the time they bring up their food related memories and say onigiri and sandwich this is not who you really are..#or will they simply treat each other as enemies#wonder if sango and onyx are just following spinel and agate's plan as usual#i hope agate shows up too#anyway sango and onyx using their magical girl special watch at the same time ww
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Most shift of my life just happened. What if. Literally day one. You were told you will never ever get a positive shiga. Donāt even worry about the procedure because it will never happen. And tonight. After your supervisor went home. It happen. And you text him to ask what to do and he says idk look at the procedure. Procedure says call the health department IMMEDIATELY. this is not a 2 day notice or 24 hour notice this is IMMEDIATE as soon as you see it call. You have never called the health department before. You ask your supervisor if they need anything special (you are thinking some code your lab is registered or accredited under nationally that you do not know) he says. Idk check the clipboard thatās taped to the back of the micro hood. You spend ten minutes scrounging around the micro department for a clipboard anywhere (nowhere) on the back of a hood (all empty). This is because when you find it itās a red binder in a book shelf. TASK PREREQUISITES NOW COMPLETE!
You call the number listed for the health department. Get sent to voicemail. You legally cannot leave a voicemail and HAVE to speak to a real live person to report this kind of bacteria. For After Hours Immediate Sensitivity Reporting Press Zero. Press zero. Robot says. Goodbye. Immediately hangs up on me. Get really confused. Call again. Robot voice. Goodbye. Really scrutinize the health department infographic. Find a different (after hours specific!) number. Call. No dial tone at ALL. no voicemail explaining everything. Just. Robot voice. Goodbye. Find ANOTHER number that by the looks of the call log is what people usually get in touch with. Whew. For After Hours Immediate Sensitivity Reporting Press Zero. 0? Goodbye. Google Redacted Health Departmnet. Call the office number. Finalyyyyyyyyyyy get an extension that works that is listed absolutely nowhere in any work documents. Guy I talk to says oh huh that shouldnāt happen. Didnāt know it was happening. Iāll have to call IT to look into this. Doesnāt matter to me! TASK 1/2 COMPLETE!
Now I have to call the doctor. Thank god we have a phone number for him! On a soreadsheet even! Hello. Youāve reached our office out of hours. FUCK! To speak with the on call for DOCTOR SO AND SO call X. Okay fine. Call X. Hi Iām calling about doctor so and soās patient and oh my god Iām so sorry I need to put you on hold because the health department is on the other line. Get health departmnet shit straightened out. Get back on the line. The most annoyed woman youāve ever spoken to answers. Iām the on call doctor. Great thanks sorry for the hold Iām calling about doctor so and soās patient. Well heās not in our office anymore. Ummm. Okay. I called his office which gave me the call center number which forwarded me to you. So. Most annoyed sigh in the world. Iāll take the result but hereās his cell phone number donāt call me again. OK! TASK DONE! Except. Since i had to call the health department about it I have to call them again to let them know that I have not actually spoken to the actual doctor. I have a whack ass slide review and whack ass UA and failed QC I need to troubleshoot and an Hbsag confirmation panel I need to set up by hand all waiting for me to get done with this fucking emergancy btw. And itās 10pm which is when I usually shut down for the night to be done by 11pm when Iām off. AND JUST WHEN you THINK ITS ALL OVER. Peach still down
#etxt#Auasgahig#I left 17 minutes late which is not bad in the scheme of the night#but I also didnāt fix qc or set up the hbsag and I feel baddddddd#but itās not my fault. really. because all of this happened at 8 pm on the dot. at the exact same time#and ALSO! none of it never happens. I looked in the records the last positive was 3 years ago#and my slide review was flagging for shit I had never seen before in my life#to reiterate. aa ughhhh
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trying to determine which parts of my relationship with sex are asexuality, which are trauma, and which are autism is like trying to have a conversation with three people talking loudly and all at once
#just to be clear: asexuality as a result of trauma or neurodivergency is still asexuality. full stop no debate.#anyway because i love oversharing on tumblr dot com: feeling very sex repulsed on this day#i was joking with some guy about fighting each other (specifically said ''you ever fight a girl over 200 lbs? id break your ribs'')#and like three different people said something like ''well that would probably turn him on''#and. listen. i get it. that was a joke response to my joke threat#but what i felt in that moment and still feel now requires nothing short of academic study to understand#first of all: how dare they make me feel embarrassed in a social setting when i was doing so well.#secondly: why the fuck would me making a threat make them instantly think of sex#thirdly: how fucked up is my body image that i hear that and immediately think they're all out of their minds#i like fat women. i am personally attracted to fat women. not (usually) sexually but i do think they are very nice to look at#so why is it so hard for me to accept that someone else could find me attractive as well !#i think about being in a situation where a relationship and/or sex is a real possibility and i flinch like its going to hurt me#but why???? where is this aversion coming from !!!!! i am a hopeless romantic i daydream about romance all the time#so whats the deal here. is it subconscious bc of my asexuality and i associate romance with sex?#is it because of my autism where i associate romance with touch and am afraid i am too unempathetic to have a chance?#or (most likely) is it just because im so fucking scared of trusting someone that even the thought makes me nauseous#did this all crop up from a throwaway sex joke? yes#but people don't make sex jokes to me. people don't even pretend to allude to me being cute#this same group of people said a few weeks ago ''at least you're pretty''#which. is not the case!!!!!!! people do not say those things to me because they don't want to even slightly entertain that idea !!!!!!!#and i am extremely tired of having my life upended because of this#i have always been treated like i was ugly and teased about it and i FINALLY have managed to be okay with not being attractive#and now that im okay with it: NOW is when the pretty jokes start. im fucking angry about it actually#i can't be both. i cannot think of myself in terms that abstract. i am one or the other#and this leads me to believe that people think i COULD be pretty. but the catalyst is that i am fat and therefore cannot be attractive#which just makes me more angry!!!!!!!!!!!#how can i be completely indifferent to sex and attraction without seeming juvenile. i don't care so so much#but every time that sort of thing happens i feel like im 13 again and the hot jock is talking to me#i need to be put down. something's wrong with this one (me)#i realize i can't stop people from making sex or appearance jokes but god i wish i fucking could
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ur grading people and if they get an f theyre blocked? my main you aint a kindergarten teacher this is a microblogging platform
yeah, that's why there's that function called blocking! :) cuz this is a microblogging site! that's what microblogging platforms have! :) so you don't have to put up with people's shit! :) interesting that kindergarten teachers where you live are capable of blocking people in real life, hope you had fun with that
#spot says stuff#this is the INTERNET You are the one who curates your own fucking experience and if i dont like someones vibes or what theyre saying to me-#-they are going to get blocked! ''grading'' people??? its called judging people and having set boundaries and self respect#im not here to conform to strangers tastes n the need to Watch Me i dont care about that more than i care about myself#i am not a ''content creator'' i am not someone with some power like a ''kindergarten teacher'' i am a stranger to All of you and-#-just another tumblr user and i dont owe you fucking anything just like nobody Here owes me anything besides base respect#n base respect includes watching what you say to people. i dont have to put up with strangers faults. im holding everyone here accountable-#-for their actions and words because i believe that you are capable of being a good considerate human person n acting sensibly#what would happen if i blocked a person on Tumblr Dot Com. the goddamn apocalypse? please. blocking isnt controlling people around you-#-its Boundaries. you can get over some random bitch blocking you on the internet. its not my responsibility if someone decides that their-#-entire emotional wellbeing depends on a *Stranger*#i have P@NSEAR blocked cuz i just Dont like their content. if someone ''gets an F'' from me for behaviour then MAYBE theres a REASON?#''ur grading people'' goddammit man who Isnt judging the people around them and the interaction they have with them#HOW many times ive said ''feel free to block me!'' in a positive way cuz of smth as small as a too gorey design. what do u think-#-blocking is ysee??? ''you are acting entitled'' because i AM! i AM entitled to having a good comfortable experience on the INTERNET#just like ANY OF YOU. please anon! you dont like my way of treating myself on the Internet do just that! block me! i wont throw a fuss??#if Anyone here doesnt like the smallest aspect of me judge me. i invite you to. judge me and if that aspect is too loud for you Block me#to get along with this anons absolutely correct n in place anecdote: Grade Me. give me an F. boot me from the school whatever That means#keep yourself safe and make your experience on the internet comfortable#i cant tell if youre one of those dumb anon askers who r just lookin for attention or fight Or a reasonable person but heres my look at it#entertain it before you disregard it. got me pissed off from the moment i wake up u dont even know bout my whole blockin system dear god
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Went to Target during a trip to the next state over with Mom so we could have a fun day out, and I found DC Comics Manga, and this Joker one is so tempting to grab an ebook of
This sounds like a typical fanfiction plot idea and I'm all for it
Also, found some cute Lego polybags, which is a nice bit to add to my Lego collection I'm rebuilding, as I'm mostly grabbing small bags and bricks from thrifting
A cute farmer with a scarecrow and a bunny, and a "birthday train" micro build.
Also, I decided to finally try a minifigure blind box, since my Lego are gonna need some people for them, and golly, they've changed since I was a kid
I got an Olympic runner guy with running blades prosthetics and a Harpy with articulated wings! I found out that they're making minifigs now that includes some wild fantasy elements and disability representation. I really want to find the dog groomer one with the Afghan hound and has a cochlear implant, the dog is cute and since hard-of-hearing runs in my family, that has a bit of a personal sentimental concept there...
Anyway, my Valentine's day was pretty cool. Nothing but good luck, people were very polite and friendly, and absolutely nothing went wrong this year. š„¹
#We also went to a Mongolian buffet and it was great#And I found an epic Lego Dots set marked down to an irresistible and reasonable price#They have these wonderful color tiles that are like a neon 90s aesthetic and the tiles will smooth out the builds nicely#I got some second hand bricks and tiles and have been testing out ideas that includes tactical fidgeting functions#I haven't built with Legos since 2011 so this will be a great time#I used to have a massive box of pieces my brothers gave me over the years but they had to be donated because they couldn't fit in the van#I'm gonna just keep everything in a bucket now#To save space#But I mostly want bricks and tiles and snot bricks and technics#Snot bricks just means studs not on top like an acronym#It's the funny bricks with connections on the sides#I've been watching so many cool lego deep dive videos and the new techniques and possibilities I've seen makes me want to try new ideas#I've always been a builder at heart I just love making stuff and I miss my old lego because I used to build visuals for my art as a kid#Lego ain't just for kids anymore and I love it#I'm obsessed with the Dots right now too#So cute
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after a break i finally got back to drawing oc batches :) i have 2/8 for my next set done... yaaaaayyy
#i hope i can finish them all by this time next week but id be being generous!#still i managed to get 2 done in 2 days....!#but i have plans this weekend so i wont get to the third one until later#and then the kids on weekdays so. we will seeeee#its the owl feather batch btw. they won the last poll LOL#cobalt heart will have to come after#then ill probably do the two royals? i need to get around to them. andy's parents#followed by the scouts!#then some misc characters probably posted on their own#and for the last big batch itll be the tartarus crew#then a smaller batch for some parents and stuff#then probably arion#aaaaaaaand atlas will be the last one. just him. because hes sooo special#saving the most fucked up guy for last lol#overall progress 93/134. it will be 99 when this set is done!#ohhh maybe i should move up one of the characters to post as a single. for the 100th#maybe#anyway im rambling but this helps me plan stuff out. tumblr dot com is my rubber duck
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Do people like make analysis on how to approach working on art pages cause I've been meaning to make one for a loong time but I've been really critical of the stuff I make and what pieces I'm ready to show people.
I realize it's stupid to approach art pages like professional portfolios when I haven't made a single penny from my art once in my lifetime but I also like opening a page and seeing good stuff. But idk if this approach is gonna only make me anxious. Last time I tried having an art page was in like 2017 though, a lot has changed
#Also I make art with vagigas etc in them and every art platform people actually use wants me dead for yhat#Thinking aloud#I'd be happy to hear your thoughts if you have any on the topic though#Art#//rambles#Also for context by good art I mean art I like#There are 5 minute sketches I love and things I spent a few hours working on that I just hate#I like to think that's good because no matter the time spent I have the feel if a person with a certain taste will like it#But on the other hand again I'm a person doing free art on tumblr dot com and sometimes I just#want to draw a silly jester girl doing something silly but my brainworms say fuck you#And putting these ideas aside because the 5 sketches I made for this one thing all looked awkward. And there are like 7 more ideas#This is why if I ever make a art tumblr it'll be full of random non repeating OC girls at least I don't feel the pressure when I'm drawing#something that doesn't have a set in stone canon#Help mypost fell into tags again š I hate when that happens
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okay but what does it meeeeean that latvia mike is connected to overmike and not basemike given that the ramifications of the tyre popping began from a point in time well before they had even considered over iterations
#what does it mean what does it all mean dot jpeg#unless his assumption that he was connected to overmike was incorrect?#it's a possibility that he became an overmike but not the overmike we know?#that or he was consolidated with a different timeline's overmike in order to heal certain injuries that michael couldn't take care of#or he's his timeline's overmike and there is/was a basemike in his time too and he incorrectly thought he and current overmike were linked?#okay actually the last one seems most plausible#plus it lines up neatly with him telling mikey that there aren't any more miles he 'needs to know about' in 44#woe.begone#e speaks#i am so brain fried these are chicken scratches because i am losing my train of thought so much rn#clearly an ideal state to be setting up red strings
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#hello itās your weekly scheduled trauma dump on tungle dot com!#I never knew how to explain why I donāt like the holidays right#because yes! Iām full of love and warmth and want to celebrate nice times with the people I love! absolutely#and I like the coziness and the everything#but Monday it was Sinterklaas and it used to be my favourite holiday of them all#it truly makes me feel like a kid and I used to hold on to this holiday with my tiny fists SO tightly because it was just. pure joy.#minus the racism re: piet obviously thatās a whole other can of worms I wonāt get into rn#but this Monday it all exploded because of my dad and it was truly a throwback to my entire teenage years#and how it was all about appearances and pleasing anyone but me only to sit in a car and think about how fake it all is and how#that love isnāt. felt. not really. itās always been about unspoken pain hĆØ projects onto everyone else without respecting your boundaries#and I just canāt do it anymore and this time I set a firm hard no and his temper tantrum led to my mum choosing him over me EVEN THOUGH#THEY ARE LITERALLY DIVORCED??????????#āamber hes crying itās heartbreaking youāre comingā#yeah well I was also crying at WORK by myself where it is of the UTMOST importance to me they donāt know about any of this#but no no this whole grown man who is in a fucked situation with his family OF HIS OWN UNDOING is who weāre choosing instead of your child#I went! I put on my big girl pants and went and said hi to his family and was more than civil and celebrated with the kids#but it cost me so much. and for the first time ever I saw exactly how much it really cost me#I spent three whole days trying to set a boundary and stand up for myself only for it to be discarded because my No doesnāt matter ever#then I was so stressed i broke my own body in an attempt trying to be civil like my entire cheek is swollen from biting it I literally#havenāt been able to eat properly since Tuesday. my stomach hurts. my headache hasnāt gone. and I am so so so tired I fell asleep at 7pm#and Iāve been white as a sheet everyone at work could tell something was wrong but they didnāt know What exactly#and just. the contact with this man. I canāt keep doing it not when it does /this/ to me#I canāt even properly explain what itās like or what happens. just that I canāt do it anymore because itās tearing me apart and it actively#holds me back? I spent the past four years in therapy talking about and trying to fix everything he instilled in me but is holding me back#in my life. in my relationships. in my work. in the way I look at /myself/#I canāt keep surviving I have to start living#and itās ALWAYS worse around the holidays. the worst fights and nights of my life have been during the holidays#I am thirty years old and I was suddenly a fifteen year old this week who desperately needed help but wasnāt getting it#and I refuse to live like that ever again. Iām done. Iām done!#and itās deeply sad and upsetting but we canāt fix this. we just canāt.
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I've been bullet journaling since 2018 and the aesthetic journalers sometimes make me so so mad. Because this system has literally saved me. I have a lot of opinions but the crux of it is that the journal is useless if it's unsustainable, and 90% of the "spreads" people display are unsustainable and I avoid at all costs, and I *like* art.
(Listen, never believe anything is guaranteed to cure depression because but this is one of three or four things which in combination cured my depression. Partly because my depression stemmed from guilt when I didn't do something I said I was going to do. Consequently I have a lot of feelings and opinions.)
If anyone has questions about how to actually do this thing I'd be happy to answer. If I see it, lol.
Still reeling from the realization that bullet journaling was essentially created to be a disability aid and got legit fuckin gentrified
#bullet journal#oh this makes me so mad#because bullet journaling can be so so useful#it's saved me and mare me 100 times more organized#and I'm artsy so I *do* decorate but with the strict guideline: If the decorations take too much time to set up then they must be discarded#in practice that means I decorate my monthly pages and nothing else#but every single āguideā online ends up being absolutely useless#(weeklies are the worst offender closely followed by decorated collection pages)#yes#your hand drawn library where you add books you've read is so cool and cute#but I go through two journals a year and that is 100% unsustainable AND I like drawing#I like to buy a prenumbered dot grid notebook because I don't like numbering the whole thing and the index can be useful#but all you *genuinely* need to try the system is any kind of notebook and a pen
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