#hello it’s your weekly scheduled trauma dump on tungle dot com!
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#hello it’s your weekly scheduled trauma dump on tungle dot com!#I never knew how to explain why I don’t like the holidays right#because yes! I’m full of love and warmth and want to celebrate nice times with the people I love! absolutely#and I like the coziness and the everything#but Monday it was Sinterklaas and it used to be my favourite holiday of them all#it truly makes me feel like a kid and I used to hold on to this holiday with my tiny fists SO tightly because it was just. pure joy.#minus the racism re: piet obviously that’s a whole other can of worms I won’t get into rn#but this Monday it all exploded because of my dad and it was truly a throwback to my entire teenage years#and how it was all about appearances and pleasing anyone but me only to sit in a car and think about how fake it all is and how#that love isn’t. felt. not really. it’s always been about unspoken pain hè projects onto everyone else without respecting your boundaries#and I just can’t do it anymore and this time I set a firm hard no and his temper tantrum led to my mum choosing him over me EVEN THOUGH#THEY ARE LITERALLY DIVORCED??????????#‘amber hes crying it’s heartbreaking you’re coming’#yeah well I was also crying at WORK by myself where it is of the UTMOST importance to me they don’t know about any of this#but no no this whole grown man who is in a fucked situation with his family OF HIS OWN UNDOING is who we’re choosing instead of your child#I went! I put on my big girl pants and went and said hi to his family and was more than civil and celebrated with the kids#but it cost me so much. and for the first time ever I saw exactly how much it really cost me#I spent three whole days trying to set a boundary and stand up for myself only for it to be discarded because my No doesn’t matter ever#then I was so stressed i broke my own body in an attempt trying to be civil like my entire cheek is swollen from biting it I literally#haven’t been able to eat properly since Tuesday. my stomach hurts. my headache hasn’t gone. and I am so so so tired I fell asleep at 7pm#and I’ve been white as a sheet everyone at work could tell something was wrong but they didn’t know What exactly#and just. the contact with this man. I can’t keep doing it not when it does /this/ to me#I can’t even properly explain what it’s like or what happens. just that I can’t do it anymore because it’s tearing me apart and it actively#holds me back? I spent the past four years in therapy talking about and trying to fix everything he instilled in me but is holding me back#in my life. in my relationships. in my work. in the way I look at /myself/#I can’t keep surviving I have to start living#and it’s ALWAYS worse around the holidays. the worst fights and nights of my life have been during the holidays#I am thirty years old and I was suddenly a fifteen year old this week who desperately needed help but wasn’t getting it#and I refuse to live like that ever again. I’m done. I’m done!#and it’s deeply sad and upsetting but we can’t fix this. we just can’t.
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