#thats all im gonna say.. if you were there you understand
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ok ok ok. a post about josh, buck, and maddie at dispatch as promised. (and because i dont feel like writing a whole separate post or repeating myself etc, if im pointing something out as evidence for my autistic josh headcanon, it'll be in parenthesis like this) also this is long because im going basically line by line in some places so just be prepared for that and such.
the first thing i wanna say before anything else is that like... as far as how this conversation fits into the larger narrative, i was fairly disappointed, due to the way that including this scene like this is kinda implying that the racism was fine because of being closeted etc. HOWEVER. luckily for my sanity it is pretty clear that from a character perspective, that's not at all what's being said by josh himself here, and we can be pretty certain that he is not aware of tommy's past behaviors. in fact he has almost no facts or context about the situation, which i'll get into later.
now that the disclaimer is out of the way, im gonna move onto character analysis and will not be touching on what i think the narrative might have meant etc. any further. like this is going to be purely talking about character dynamics and dissecting the dialogue etc.
we start out right away by skipping all the exposition right into a hard cut of maddie reacting to the news that tommy and abby were engaged. LOVE this set up we get right into the important part quickly and we as the audience only have to hear information that is new to us, not the information being repeated back to the character for whom the information is new.
and oh maddie. i love you so bad. she's like DAMN thats crazy, and then makes the obvious turning people gay joke. her energy here is sooo like it didn't make sense until looking at it in retrospect, but she's shocked and invested yet not taking it very seriously as a concern for buck, because well, she's having a baby and this is objectively not that serious comparatively <3 but i do love that she sees buck's reaction and quickly reins it in and is like woah im kidding im not actually being homophobic holy smokes. which. it kinda still is a little. but i think she's allowed <3
and then... josh enters the scene. he apparently only walked in as buck was saying "-kissed a boy" so of course he had to be like huh? gay shit? something gay? boys?? what's going on over here? and i love that for him. and i love that maddie immediately is like oh hi bestie i catch u up to speed on the tea <3 the maddiejosh bestieism is so back we never lose <3 and that fact that she's like. feeding in the facts in a way to dramatically amp up the tale i love it. she really said man the things my baby brother gets himself caught up in are wild.... anyway <3 true sibling behavior is finding the perfect balance between being supportive and being so so annoying <3
and she is supportive still. like when it becomes clear that there's something deeper going on here she does try to help him work through it. and its so interesting to me the way she is sort of seriously contemplating his words and is shocked when josh not only speaks up but is being very serious and equally focused on the problem at hand. it's like... she's trying so hard to figure out how to help her brother with something she doesn't fully understand that having someone else speak up to help them kind of shocks her and boy does that say something about their lives and the buckley sibling dynamic!
side note, the way josh is jokingly like "she didn't bring her personal life to work, unlike SOME people" and maddie's little look of mock offense?? they're so cute i cant handle it.
i also really love how the shots are framed during this conversation. at first, even when she's not talking and is just listening to josh talk, maddie is still in frame, we're still getting her reaction, she's an active participant in what's going on. and then there is the one shot where she's talking and josh is out of frame, hidden by buck, because whatever reaction he might be having isn't important, it's a buckley sibling moment. (he's not an active participant at that point; he's entirely observing and reacting and gathering information, not dictating the direction of the conversation whatsoever.)
it's only when josh gets very serious and it starts to turn into a heart to heart moment just between him and buck that maddie is allowed to leave the frame. it still goes back to her in very brief cuts when her reaction is relevant, but she steps back out of focus and let's josh handle the conversation. and i love that so much. thank GOD someone else is helping buck sort out his problems that isn't his parentified sister or just generally someone more marginalized than him. it was kind of getting irritating to watch, as much as i love buck so much. like dude... the emotional labor. watch it.
and man. this conversation guys. everything about it makes me an insane crazy person. ive already mentioned this in the tags of some other posts but like... its so fascinating because on the surface it is such a cohesive conversation, but when you really break it down and analyze both of their expressions and body language alongside what they're saying, you can start to see the cracks in it. what one of them is saying is not what the other one is hearing, in both directions. they are having two different conversations and i think it's critical to analyze both of those conversations and how they are interacting with each other. what josh says, what josh hears, what buck says, and what buck hears are four entirely separate things happening alongside each other.
the first part is josh trying to get a sense for how serious this relationship is to buck. when buck falters at the question of "do you love him?", he elaborates with follow-up questions that, to josh, define "love" or close enough to it. answering "yes" to those questions is close enough to a "yes" to the question of "do you love him?".
(which. ok. the particular choice of questions makes me insane because they do essentially boil down to "do you prefer this person to solitude and grant them an equal or greater importance to yourself?" which is sooo... it's said from the point of view of someone who greatly values their solitude and would not easily grant someone that level of importance.)
unfortunately, well, buck is NOT someone who greatly values his solitude, and puts other people before himself quite easily. buck would answer "yes" to those questions for basically anyone. josh does not know or understand this about buck and takes buck's answers at face value, while buck is taking this as sort of... it's hard to explain, and i think others have done a better job of capturing buck's perspective already tbh. he's convincing himself that he loves tommy here because josh is unknowingly handing him that information and expectation, and buck loves to mold himself to fit an expectation etc.
and then comes the second part, which... i think this is where it is most critical to realize that josh has none of the context about tommy, abby, and buck and those respective relationships. by his own admission, he didn't really know much about abby or about her breakup with tommy beyond the fact that it was upsetting. he didn't hear the way tommy talked about abby to buck at dinner, and he definitely didn't get to see any of the real fallout and damage to her psyche that tommy leaving her caused.
but buck did! im not inclined to rewatch s1 to get any exact quotes or anything but from what i remember, she either outright said or implied that she was so heartbroken because tommy left her because of her mother's illness. buck is understandably very upset because he understands exactly what she went through and how, unless abby was lying to not out him, he didn't exactly come clean with the breakup, and left her feeling like it was her fault, like there was something wrong with her or she was being weighed down by caring for her mother. he calls tommy's behavior exactly what it is: dishonest and cruel.
but josh doesn't know this. all he is hearing is a young, freshly out bisexual calling a gay man "dishonest and cruel" for having been engaged to a woman for his own protection. and he responds exactly how you'd expect! he reminds him of queer history and the fact that he doesn't really have a right to judge the people who grew up and had to survive in a world that was much less safe to come out in.
(and i said in my other post that's still doing numbers that "pre-Glee/post-Glee" is an actual queer discourse talking point and makes sense that it'd be used here, as awkward and cheesy as it seems, but it's also a win for my television/film/popular media/hollywood culture/etc. as a special interest headcanon. <3 we love to see it)
and it kills me because of course buck is just going to take this at face value and decide he needs to stop feeling the discomfort he's feeling, leading to the subsequent doubling down and over committing that is typical of his unhealthy relationship patterns.
(and then at the end of the speech josh has to literally announce that he's leaving DSJFHJKDSKJ. because walking away/ending conversations is so awkward and difficult and the easiest way to mitigate that is to lean into the Dramatic Homosexual Stereotype mask or whatever <3 i've long been of the opinion that josh is someone who uses the behaviors associated with queer men and queer masculinity as the blueprint for his neurotypical mask, which is why he often comes across as being just a little bit off from the Funny and Bitchy Gay vibes that it seems like he's going for. and boy did his exit from this scene just reinforce that headcanon so hard!)
they wrap the scene with a little bit more levity too which is kind of nice to like. move on from that. because it got kind of heavy there for a second.
overall i do like what this scene accomplished, but like i said at the start, i think it has some really unfortunate implications that weigh it down for me. still, always nice to get more josh content, especially when it's pretty consistent with his character as established AND not at all related to doing his job. we got to see him and maddie being goofy and maddie being allowed to let someone else deal with buck's problems for a second. and the whole thing was very well shot! excellent camera work going on throughout.
i don't actually know how to end this post so yknow. im gonna make a dramatic exit now or whatever <3
#my posts#911 spoilers#911 meta#911 abc#911 season 8#911 season 8 spoilers#josh russo#maddie han#evan buck buckley#long post#media analysis#dispatch#anti bucktommy#i didnt go into bucks pov too much bc ive already seen a lot of good meta about that so i didnt feel i had much to add to the conversation#there were no serious meta/analysis breakdowns about josh's pov coming across my dash yet though so of course yall have to deal with mine <
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"Effective inmediatly"
#school of dragons#thats all im gonna say.. if you were there you understand#honestly kind of a letdown but it figures sod cant even shut down its game properly lmao#i guess in a way its very in character.. goodnight everyone its 4 fucking am i shouldnt have stayed up for this#i dont care about sod closing i say as i stay up for way too long to see close in real time only to be let down even in that#this is so stupid lmao but i guess im glad i stayed up... GOODNIGHT
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You know I probably would have figured out something was up with me genderwise sooner if people assigned female at birth were not conditioned from a young age to absolutely loathe their bodies in order to sell beauty products and diets and unattainable standards
#spitblaze says things#very hard to recognize that the background radiation in ur life is dysphoria under the unrelenting pressure of societal misogyny!!!#like i understand where some people are coming from when they say that transmascs are only transitioning to escape misogyny#which like. fuckin hell i WISH that worked. this shit is inescapable#but also we arent transitioning because of misogyny. were transitioning in spite of it#the entire point of misogyny is to keep Those Who Are Not Men in line#im not 'escaping misogyny' any more than the lesbians who refuse to style themselves to heteronormative tastes#'yeah but passing trans men get male privilege' yea maybe socially. and its not like im fuckin asking for it. i dont want this shit#you think i asked for that shit?? you think stealth and passing transmascs dont push back against misogyny and patriarchy???#weve been on the other side. we know what its like#obvs theres gonna be shitty individuals but if ur letting like three or four dudes shape ur perception of a whole group thats another issue#got off track there but i suppose thats what the notes are for#anyway te/-rfs. die. womanhood is not defined by suffering and you’re all defeatest reactionary shitheads
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*takes you by the hand as gently as I can*
You can dislike Maya without turning her into a one dimensional villain that serves no purpose to the story.
You can dislike Maya without disparaging the story and message the show is trying to convey.
You can hate Maya without moralizing your hatred. You can just hate her. It’s okay.
#i hear the sunspot#hidamari ga kikoeru#im just so tired of people shitting all over maya because she’s not perfect#she is complex and nuanced and maybe if given more than. oh i don’t know. one episode? we will see the complexity and nuance that is there#we had 7 episodes to learn about how kohei handles losing his hearing and he was offered grace#and i need you all to understand that i also don’t fucking like maya#she is an unlikable character#but thats kind of the point#but everyone’s reaction to her just proves her incorrect point about how people treat others with disabilities#yall can just say she’s unlikable without saying she’s pointless and why is she even friends with kohei anyway#yall can just say she’s unlikable without questioning the entire show#i’m gonna need everyone to take a minute and just think. think about how young she is. think about what she is actively losing#think about WHY she is behaving this way before jumping down her throat because she isn’t the perfect disabled person#and genuinely i want you to sit with my next question for a minute. just sit with it. i don’t need to know your answer#whether its yes or no that is between you and yourself#but i need you guys to think#would you hate maya this much if her gender was swapped?#would you have the same issues with how she’s acting if she were a boy instead of a girl?#again i don’t need to know your answer#but if you think your answer might be no…i want you to examine that#anyway that’s all. be careful how you approach me in talking about this btw. cause i have had it with the treatment of maya#i don’t want to defend characters i don’t like but some of the takes i’ve seen are just plain wild y’all
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local man haunts (me) open practise yet again more news at 11
#txt#what an experience#i didnt go alone this time which means shenanigans heightened by 20#and by that i mean we were by the glass drinking mate (that security thankfully let us bring in)#and ___ kept going (lifts mate up to the glass) quieres? to all the players that skated by#and i had to just go STOP THAT#and they went they dont want our mate hmph what do they know about mate and i went. well thats the thing. they dont 😭😭#theres was a bunch of kids next to me which meant a lot players over to our side and ekky trucked over#and knocked the glass w his stick on a driveby and scared the shit out of me I ALMOST DROPPED MY MATE he had this shit eating grin#maffhew also kept doing little toodle-loo waves at the kids behind him it was so cute 😭😭😭#but anyways i think its so funny ___ kept focusing on ekky too and i didnt realise why until they just drop the bombshell of#“they remind me of your brother” and i went “DONT FUCKING SAY THAT WHAT THE FUCK MAN DONT SAY SUCH SACRILEGE”#the rest of the convo was in spanish and i dont know how to like fully convey 🇦🇷 banter in eng but it roughly went#“no he does. he has the same dumb face when he starts shit (because he kept bodily bumping into boqy and forsy)#the same 'was that me? did i do that?' troublemaker face. hes a shit stirrer but never answers to it. hes sleazy in that way.#he has the same beard too dont you see it“#and then i promptly spent the whole time going god he is just like my older brother oh this is a horrifying revelation oh god#anyways they kept saying look at his dumb face look at it just like your brother the whole time in spanish when he crept near#and i had to go SHUT UP PLEASE HE CAN HEAR YOU to which they snorted and went you said its fine if we spoke spanish here theyre not gonna#understand us and i was like OKAY BUT IM SURE 11 YEARS HERE HES GONNA PICK UP#SOMETHING AND WE KEEP CURSING SO FOR MY SAKE CAN YOU SHUT UP#mikksy and schmidty were super playful with eo. tuomo ruutu kept messing w mikksy. and ekky was like a damn bumper car bumpin everyone#maffhew ofc was very dramatic when he couldnt get a goal in against knighter and he did the horse headshake in front of us#and i went “you can tell whos number 19 because hes the most dramatic person on the ice always”#ekky was super vocal i know he wanted to practise against the empty net but aj was practising tipins and he goes#MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. and aj so confused just moves like ???#and ekky notches one in goes over to him and waves his glove at him to move#also dmen + lundy were practising on my side of the ice afterwards (lundy ekky uvis kuli. kuli was practising solo. lundy was feeding ekky#for some slapshots uvis got some passes in with them) and anyways i did not fucking realise swaggy was still out because i was so focused on#the dmen until he shot a puck straight at my face and like man i know its not personal but damn did it feel personal with the lookback
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still can't get over the stupid goddamn anthpo video. genuinely fucking disgusted thinking ab it
#crunchyposts#yt#bro that was full bullying right. that was bullying. this was absolutely in bad faith right im not crazy#thank god the party clips were edited out but jesus christ they shouldnt have been there in the first place#more than 200k people saw that. including me. and god i wish i didnt#gonna watch the kurtis conner vid on furries to cleanse myself bc he is ACTUALLY going into the topic from not a bad faith pov#im not crazy ab everything kurtis does i think hes walking a thin line sometimes between bullying and no bullying#but god its nowhere near as bad as what anthpo did#edit i did actually watch the kurtis vid its really good still !!!!#a lot of the jokes arent punching down on furries which made me realize. how much of anthpo's vid was that#the comment section is very respectful and like not even on a furry note the pacing is way slower which i prefer#the anthpo vid is a bit too. high energy for me i need to chill for a second between jokes and all that#edit like 2-3 days after i posted this im getting notes on it and i just wanna say like#even before the party thing this vid rubbed me the wrong way and i knew it was because i saw a more empathetic video about furries#genuienlyy from a place of trying to understand the community not just making fun of them and it was kurtis' video#check it out if you havent its like if that one part of his video thats like a minute of defending furries was. longer and good
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I wish more people realized that when someone is seeking diagnosis, it's not because we are trying to collect diseases like infinity stones. it's not to be quirky or interesting.
diagnosis is the guide to resources and community. knowing how to help yourself, being able to understand yourself, connecting with others with similar experiences so you dont feel crazy or alone, finding the right places to look for relief and support, learning about accommodations that can make your life not only easier but liveable.
and for all these reasons, people are allowed to be excited for their diagnosis, theyre allowed to lean into it and advocate for themselves with language they didn't even know existed for the way they live. it is entirely normal to be happy and relieved after finding out that not only is there a name for your experience, but also people groups communities just like you ready to talk about it and support each other.
diagnosis opens up entire worlds for people, that's a good thing. and we need to stop shaming anyone who wants/seek it.
#if you find yourself trying to be the judge of the validity of someone elses life experience.... dont!#if someone self dx because the symptoms sound right and the resources and community are helpful amd relatable to them... GREAT!!#thats! the point of a dx. being able to treat your symptoms and find relief and understand wtf is going on.#thats why we mind our business!!!!! when it comes to other peoples health!!!#literally the only way it would affect you at all is if you were regularly interacting w the person and they need accomodations#and accommodating your friend or anyone who knows their limitations is BASIC decency. cmon now.#adding rq at the bottom here..... shaming someone for wanting a dx just bc they cant get it yet is weird anyway.#like telling someone their problems are made up or theyre being dramatic simply bc a doctor hasnt told you theyre being honest is WEIRD#“ok stranger i know you say you experience all these symptoms but a different stranger hasnt confirmed that for me yet#so im gonna be an asshole until you shell out hundreds or thousands of dollars for a piece of paper that confirms you feel what you feel“#ask yourself why you NEED to believe them in the first place
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this isnt the account for this i KNOW but jjk just ended and it was the worst thing ive ever read oh my daysssss
#my god bro#IT ENDED THE EAY IT STARTED. THERE WAS NO DEVELOPMENT AT ALLLLLL#it literally ended w sukunas finger in that same shrine box thingy....some dumb mf is gonna eat that thing again and make jjk2#electric boogaloo#1. why the kenjaku/geto tease at the end of the previous chapter. what even was the point of that it wasnt even MENTIONED#2. we got a scene with megumi burying his sister which understandable...BUT NOT ONE FOR GOJO????#NO OFFENSE BUT TSUMIKI APPEARED TWICE LIKE IF SHE CAN GET A BURIAL SO CAN GOJO#3. dont get me started on gojo bro ive never seen such a mishandling of a character in my life#all im gonna say is that 2 page flashback of him being like 'everyones gonna forget me once im not the strongest anymore'...and he was RIGH#HE WAS RIGHT HE DIDNT GET A BURIAL OR ANYTHING HE GOT HIS GODDAMN BODY POSSESSED JUST FOR NOTHING#HIS BRAIN IS WHO KNOWS WHERE#the ones who truly won were the sukuna gojo shippers bc one of the last things gojo said was 'everyones going to forget me'#and sukuna said 'ill never forget you for as long as i live'...sukuna TECHNICALLY isnt dead so hes fr the only one honoring gojo#3. i just wish we got some more worldbuilding bc for the last couple chapters theyve been mentioning a whole bunch of clans#and trying to explain their significance??? like kusakabe becoming the leader of the simple domain clan#they talked about that for a whole damn chapter WHAT SIGNIFICANCE DOES THAT HAVE??? EVERYONES BEEN USING A SIMPLE DOMAIN WYMMMMMMM#and then yuta and todo are like kinda cousins and are in the same clan but again we never got introduced to them before IT MEANS NOTHINGGGG#AND THIS WAS EVEN AN ISSUE IN THE SUKUNA FIGHT!!! like they talked about all these generals and clans he defeated but we never saw them#so it literally means nothing!!! just give us a little piece of heian era lore please please please#oh my god and them just pretending everythings fine and dandy bc sukuna is sealed again#youre telling me japan had shibuya and shinjuku absoltely destroyed in the span on 2 months and we just never got#any insight about how the country recovered??? or whats going on AFTER sukuna was defeated???#the closest thing we got was the american soldiers coming to japan to defeat some spirits but thats literally it
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you know i'm usually the last person to have strong opinions on movie casting announcements but the idea of jacob elordi playing heathcliff stirs a fiery sense of indignation in my heart
#text post#i guess there was also timmy chalamet as dylan that's just downright stupid casting but honestly idc#i'm not gonna see that movie anyway i promise you#im kinda over dylan hype in the year of our lord 2024. let's pay tribute to other 60s acts ok#the 60s weren't just the beatles and bob dylan i promise#wheras wuthering heights certainly doesn't need another adaptation but i can't say i wouldn't watch one#like the story just is timeless and versatile. i think it just does hold up to retellings. it's one of those stories#i don't think i'll ever find one i like more than the 1939 one but that's ok#also it's been said nd this is a huge point so i may as well say it aloud even though i feel like we should all be on the same page already#seriously another white heathcliff in the year of our lord 2024?#i understand that the race of heathcliff is ambiguous but theres almost no room for arguing heathcliff is STRICTLY and CERTAINLY white#like it's not specified or stated in the text but it's just plain uncontroversial to ASSUME heathcliff is at least a biracial poc#his dark skin is referred to all over the place in the book. he's mistreated for it. cmon#it's just gotta have the popular hot white boy of the month#who frankly doesn't even look the part of heathcliff even if you WERE to whitewash the character as has been done many times#be so for real#i don't think margot robbie is super right for cathy bc she just kinda should be playing older roles at this point. all love for her#but like cathy is maybe in her early 20s at oldest. margot robbie doesn't look that young anymore and thats ok#i love her but it's just strange to picture cathy the immature coquette being mid-30s#she also does look noticeably older than elordi whereas they're supposed to be the same age#but i don't take issue w her playing cathy at like nearly the level of elordi as heathcliff#that makes me sick to my stomach honestly#and no i'm not like a hater of this actor for like moral reasons idfc about him but just. as heathcliff? no.#no no no no. never
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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man why are there so many lesbian posts like omg i love butches/look how cool i am as a butch!!! MEN DNI. like. I've been banned from my own dykery wtf
#how can you be butch thirst trapping and also not recognize that butches being transmasc is like. essential butch history#some of y'all need to get more gender weird in your understanding of lesbianism. you can be cis and gnc but im trans and im a lesbian lol#am i not allowed to connect with other lesbians bc of that#bc im sure plenty of them would say oh that doesnt count you're fine#which means they either don't see me as a real man or they haven't thought through the dni#but like even if you are accepting of lesbian men i wouldn't know that from the dni. so seeing that makes me feel like im NOT welcome#whether that was the intention or not#anyway like 1/5 of the posts in the butch tag i saw on a recent scroll through were like this and it annoyed me#i get not wanting random horny/homophobic straight dudes on your posts but i mean. a dni isn't gonna stop them anyway#but like. you're just excluding the queer men who're tryna engage with you. tis friendly fire without purpose#lesbians and men do not need to be in opposition. that's stupid. get over that#i am a woman! i am a man! my gender is complicated and I'd like to have that not be a Thing in queer spaces. thats all#most of these ppl are probably cool and fine idk. just like. think it over a bit is all#annoyed isnt quite yhe right word either? more like. mild sad bothered
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Shout out to my fiddle/violin teacher for teaching me Shipping Up to Boston, because, as a result, most of what I hear when listening to No Happy Ending is “bosenberry strawberry strawberry, bosenberry strawberry pie, bosenberry strawberry strawberry, strawberry strawberry strawberry pie”
#the mechanisms#ouatis#no happy ending#i dont know if this is gonna make sense to anyone else#i assume that this is a normal method for teaching fiddle but i have no way of knowing#the thing is. at the end the fiddle stops but you can keep hearing it in the accordion because its just the length of the notes#and the bowing of the fiddle A determines the length of the notes but B is very parallel in sound at least to the accordion#idk if any of that made sense idk shit about the accordion#and i used the term ‘fiddle’ throughout here because a fiddle is typically a violin. but afaiaa nastya played a viola.#now the black one they had that didnt have a hollow body (and thus i think is electric. but again idk shit) has five strings which means-#its *both* a viola and violin. usually these combo instruments have a viola body because the lowest string needs the larger body to sound-#good basically. and the highest string can resonate well in the larger body. whereas as the sound of the highest string is great in the-#small body of the violin but the lowest one gets fucked up. however since that instrument doesnt have a hollow body i have no idea how that-#affects it. my assumption would be that even in this form the viola size is more common. since it is in the typical form. and that since-#viola is what nastya played anyway thats what they would have wanted#all of that is to say that i dont know which instrument they were using for performances or the recording of ouatis. but either way.-#fiddles are typically violins and it my understanding that nastya played a viola. therefore i just said fiddle instead of violin or viola-#wow! over explaining my beloved /j#gonna just state again that idk SHIT about the accordion and thats what i think im hearing but i could be wrong
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Us talking to our councillor about this newly discovered alter: his job is to help us process this negative emotion and protect us, and sometimes he goes too far and either we get hurt or other people get hurt, but he doesn't mean to, and we cant do this without him
Our councillor: so how do you control him? How do you restrain him? Can you get rid of him? Can you make him stop?
Us:........WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
#the negative emotion in question is anger so this is technically me getting defensive over myself but the anger isnt just mine yknow?#i think we messed up a bit talking to her about me#shes been pretty understanding of the plural thing but shes not TRAINED in this. if she has experience with it its not much#because that shit is kinda......super messed up?#her first question was literally 'how can you control him' like im fuckin evil or something#good to know that we cant talk to her about the actually complex parts of being plural#good to know we figured that out through me. all im gonna do is get pissed#imagine if it was someone who would actually be seriously hurt by something like that#not saying im not but i know shes in the wrong for it and im pissed about it#anyway im pretty sure whoever was fronting for that appointment handled it pretty well#they didnt give in or let her think that just because i mess up i shouldnt be doing my job#if that was the case she might as well quit her job right there on the spot because thats hella hypocritical#one of the reasons i was discovered was literally because we were so pissed at her (and some other things going on)#that i took front and started lashing out#(she messed up pretty bad but unfortunately its been forgotten instead of forgiven so now i dont know why im mad)
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When i meet new people its really like
Me: okay. This is going splendid. This is going amazing. I like you, you are very nice, you are very wonderful, you are friend-shaped and you are great! This is going really well so don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it-
Them: "...my ex/current partner..."
Me: FUCK, ANOTHER ONE???? So it really is just me around here that's never had any kind of relationship or interaction with someone who loves me like that?????? Wtf!??!?!
#It's so weird it's like everybody got this Handbook where they were able to have their first kiss or their first relationship as a child#And it's so easy for these people who are my age and have had multiple axes or are currently in a healthy relationship with someone#But for some reason I just can't seem to find somebody#And as much as I would love to go out and look or have some online dating site due to my current situation I just can't#And I've just sort of had enough of people saying that it happens at some point and they would prefer if they had never had a relationship#But that's a bit of a pisstake considering they don't really understand what it's like to have all of your peers understand what it's like#to be in relationships and have people flirt with them or hold their hands or kiss them or want to be with thsm#or do general couply things with them#And you just feel like some kind of stupid outlier who will never understand because no one seems to want you that way#its just fucking annoying every single time i meet someone i always think it might finally be a shared experience but no#everyone has it figured out#except me i gues#s#and i cant stand people saying theyd just fuck off no you wouldnt#its lonely it feels like shit you feel irrelevant you feel stupid and unloveable because for some reason youre the only one and it feels#like its never gonna change so no no you do not wish you were liks that again because it feels like absolute shit and i hate it#i just know itll reach a point where i get too old to be a newbie to this kind of stuff and im worried thats gonna affect my chances of#having a partner at that point. meeting peoples really hard and connecting with thems way harder but everyone else seems to just have this#ability that i dont. everybody can pull somebody#and i just dont have that and it makes me so upset#sorry#I really went on a vent style tangent there and I didn't mean to#ill tag it as one now#vent#tw vent
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#I'm gonna talk into the void for a second#it's been so weird. like. idk how else to describe it#i drove home from work in a daze bc my best friend called to tell me the news#i ate then i locked myself up in my room and cried#now it's been a few days and that's become routine#i was so....idek yesterday that i cut of 5 inches of my hair#i miss him#and it's complicated bci know what he did to others but i also know what others did to him#he was just a kid when he was thrown into fame and with all the pressure and lack of adult guidance or help he didn't stand a chance#he was gobbled up by something bigger than himself and wrung out for money when he was still a kid wanting to please everyone#idk everything just feels weird#the sadness is really ugly and strange#having to compartmentalize has been tough#i had to let some of my students know that i was a huge fan of 1d so they'd shut up bc they were going on and on about him#they're good kids and immediately stopped talking about it but they were speaking so callously about a person's death#i avoid tumblr unless im home because you all get it#i feel so incredibly alone in this in real life#my best friend has been amazing and listened to everything i have to say but she doesn't get it. how could she? her idols are still alive#so i only come on here when i can completely feel everything#I've spent a couple of hours everyday on here crying with all of you because you all get it#this ugly weird thing. you all feel it too#it's been the way it was when the fandom was at it's most active. all of us discussing and feeling and being *together*#I'm so grateful to you all for always being here or for coming back and for understanding it#idk if i would have had a genuine place to go to for this outside of tumblr#and i think thats a testament to all we've been through and the kind of online spaces the boys cultivated#especially liam who always seemed to be so happy to interact with fans and fanart#im going to stop now or im going to keep rambling forever#rest in peace liam and thanks for everything#lp#❤
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stream of consciousness type deal.
#people's experiences of you will be so drastically different from what you're like when relaxing/unmasking at home and they'll be shocked#when you live together and you thought you let them see what you were like normally except most of the time theyve seen you at home its an#Occassion™ so ofc im gonna be alert and jumping around and talkative bc theres a lot happening and im really happy theyre there#and i can be still. but once they see me day after day exhausted and overstimulated its different bc i am different#i dont feel like i am but i am#and if they dont believe when you explain whats happening then shit hits the fan#for a while i did not understand why they were getting so mad at me at dinner#the other people there understand how i can be foggy or overstimulated and just need to eat and im happy to be there i just need to not look#at anyone or say much and im dizzy from working all day. i need to mash for a bit all ill be good. theyve been generous to take me as honest#when i tell them what im doing.#but a person who is not used to seeing me that way will start thinking im rolling my eyes at whats being said when im actually staring into#space or trying to refocus or trying to get my body to stay in itself instead of drifting off and they think im quietly judging and ik like#im so sorry but fr im not even listening to the group conversation and im not thinking anything negative about you im just gathering my body#i SWEAR. also its agreed that i take part in a group meal instead of isolating with my food bc i need to eat right now too#now that ive stopped working and im going to go back to working after this meal so. this is what i have to do. it is understood and you're#somewhat new to being here on a daily basis but I'm serious i just have to do this and im not being shady im just Something™#(aka exhausted/overstimulated/neurodivergent.) but when i get up with the gathered dishes without making eye contact im automatically angry#and im judgemental and manipulative and trying to control everyone's mood by making my problems everyone's problems with my sighing and eye#rolling. im like. again im not rolling my eyes im trying to focus my eyes. and im not sighing at whats being said im letting out the breath#i realized ive been holding bc im holding myself back from an anxiety rollercoaster drop bc im very overstimulated rn and i was asked to be#here to share meals and deal with it in front of everyone and you arent understanding that id be doing the same thing in private#nothing's WRONG im just OVERSTIMULATED RN and im pulling my body back and im not thinking anything about ANYONE in this room but im starting#to NOW bc you keep assigning meaning where ive told you repeatedly theres none and i get why you're interpreting it this way but i promise#thats not what im doing and your reasons for why im doing it are not accurate.
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