#am i not allowed to connect with other lesbians bc of that

[skrunksthatwunk]

man why are there so many lesbian posts like omg i love butches/look how cool i am as a butch!!! MEN DNI. like. I've been banned from my own dykery wtf

[gloomy-prince]

IM NOT THE PERSON FROM THE OTHER ASKS BUT I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT THE RICHIE CRUSH TIMELINE!!

(this is kinda based on me but obviously i’ve had to alter it bc richie’s AMAB)

she when i was a kid (from like 11-14) i knew for sure i wasn’t straight but the thing is i thought i was a girl so i was under the impression i was lesbian. but the thing is, i’d constantly get like these weird things i don’t want to say obsessions bc that makes it creepier than it was. but basically i’d find myself really connected to boys i was close with but i never got crushes on girls but i always said i was lesbian bc i knew i wasn’t straight. anyway! when i was like 14-15 i realised i’m trans and then i kinda understood that i could be very not straight and still like boys bc i am a boy and i js hadn’t understood that yet bc i grew up in a transphobic household and until i was 14-15 i didn’t realise it was allowed. and it made even more sense bc the boys i found myself drawn to were mostly other gay trans men (i’m t4t gay).

ramble over, back to richie, i feel like he always kinda knew he wasn’t straight but found himself being drawn to eddie more than anyone else but tried to ignore it bc “eddies a girl and i’ve tried this, i KNOW i don’t like girls” so he’d ignore it bc sexuality is messy and he didn’t want to stress himself out, but then when eddie came out as trans he kinda js got to be like “oh! yeah! that works!! that’s what it was.” especially bc like he said when eddie came out, he always sorta had a feeling and he never saw eddie fully like other girls.

(just a theory)

it is worth noting that Richie says this

so he's still been having a sexuality crisis for at least 5 years...

[ispyspookymansion]

kora if u feel comfortable could u talk about ur gender journey and relationship w lesbianism bc sometimes im like that tweet that's like. im probably trans but i have a job so idrc about that but. ough it's scary and confusing. what if im just butch.

oh wow! well let me think. going to put this under a cut because its longish

it was a much harder path for me to get to lesbianism than to get to Gender. i had a really hard time accepting that for some reason, it took a lot of agonizing, a lot of intentional repression, a lot of misery and wallowing around words and labels and avoidance and definitions. so by the time i got through that it then opened up some gender doors for me because lesbianism is inherently disruptive of the cisheterosexual matrix, but i really, really didnt want to go through that misery again, so i just decided it didnt matter what i was as far as gender and what mattered was how i felt and what made me happy. i only became confident in calling myself trans in the last ohh i dont know, 6 months? and yet ive been on T for a year! for me the actions came easier than the wording. i tried not to stress about what i was doing and whether it was or wasnt aligned with lesbianism. i trusted in our history of transness and masculinity and found a lot of comfort in talking to other butch and transmasc lesbians about their experiences and feelings, and found such a range of experiences that felt very relevant to me

ultimately, i feel like a lesbian. i knew that and i continue to know that. the way that i feel about the people im attracted to and the kinds of relationships i want to have is what connects me to lesbianism. i dont feel like lesbianism is my last thread to womanhood. it isnt a thread to that at all. theres too rich a history of gender defiance and creation to simplify it like that, so i dont let it be that for me. i dont feel dysphoric about being a lesbian even if cis(het) people might not understand me as being transmasc as well. + butch and transmasc arent exclusive and are often beautiful beautiful copilots in dykery !

i also find pursuing what makes me feel good matters a lot more than finding exact words for it. im not really sure what my gender is honestly? it took me a long time to get comfortable/feel like i was allowed to call myself lesbian, trans, and butch too honestly. but i went through a lot less misery when i took actions First to figure out what felt right and then accepted the words that naturally followed After. am i trans or am i not trans stressed me out much more than do i want to bind or not? do i want my voice to be lower or not? do i want to try a different name and pronouns or not? and then my answers to these led me to actions and opportunities that got me to feeling comfortably trans, without putting so much questioning strain on the lesbianism i felt at my core.

+ the opposite is helpful. crossing off what am i Not and what i dont want can be a lot easier than what Am i. woman has always been absolutely not right. trans took longer to feel right which is silly versus logically if i wasnt cis, i was trans, but i had to go in steos

i guess just remember that theres not a really hard line between butchness and the transmasc umbrella (other than personal definition obviously) and you can be one or both or one now and then later realize the other feels better. try to read about butches and he/him lesbians and transmasc dykes and talk to them where you can and enjoy the range of answers and identities and give yourself grace to explore that without so much pressure on whether its one or the other. youre still you regardless of what words to use to describe it so take your time figuring out what you want before you worry too much about what that means you “are”

ALSO you dont have to be butch to be trans and still a lesbian or vice versa you can be nonbinary or genderqueer or agender or genderfluid or etc etc etc and consider those under the label Trans and also be butch! or you can be those things but Not butch and still a lesbian! you can do whatever forever!

[paradife-loft]

@veliseraptor stealing your tags to go on a ramble bc this is a little off on a tangent from the op

#lucille sharpe should've been more obviously textually gay. send tweet #the older i get the more i think about lesbian or bi lucille and the happier i am about it #desire sublimated through her brother?? thinking thoughts

bc like. headcanoning/interpreting now. this internal sense of "any attachment, any attraction I have to someone authentically is Bad and Condemned; any socially-sanctioned attraction or relationship model feels lacking at best, coercive at worst". everything she wants in any format just gets tossed in the same bucket of "I'm sick and wrong and Not Allowed To Do That"; they’re all functionally, emotionally equivalent on some level. they can only be expressed in the context of other morally-reprehensible actions. violence and care as two sides of the same coin.

do her feelings for the women her brother marries come before or after the selection, the marriage, the poisoning? yes. in their tying themselves to Thomas, they become owned by Lucille as well, a part of her the same way he is by transitive property. the idea of being in A Relationship herself (properly, with a man of course, that’s what that means) is just another box of someone else controlling and hurting her; while having that connection with another woman is. epistemically closed off, sealed away in the same decrepit rooms as everything else - and so those feelings and actions all become entangled together, because they can’t exist in a dialogue with anything else but one another.

I end up thinking about the “monstrous love” line, right? and two different kinds of intimacy where neither is really quite getting at what she wants, but both are transgressive. attraction and affection and enmeshment and murder and the house all in one big emotional soup of hiding and secret-keeping and putting on one appearance out in the world to cover for something that feels vital to who she (& Thomas) are as people that would otherwise ruin her.

[dayurno]

DAYURNO HELP. i cannot for the life of me figure out the keremy dynamic out of kerejean. my brain won’t allow it to compute. it’s like making 2 barbies kiss bc you don’t have a ken but instead of turning into a beautiful lesbian awakening it’s just…..banging plastic til you get bored and bring out the guillotine.

i’ve always got the kevjean and jerejean parts down. but my prompter for daylight fest wants kerejean and i’ll be DAMNED if i cannot give it to them!!! i want to provide!!!

i need your tips, O beholder of kerejean wisdom.

(p.s. i asked anonymously bc i still want to keep my prompt as secret as possible until it’s posted)

ANON............................ i understand you deeply i think writing ANYTHING with jeremy at any point is so hard because where he stands in canon right now he's literally nothing girl he's lines... he's words... he's nothing at all.... i am no beholder of kerejean wisdom i am as much of a newbie as you are and probably even worse but i'll give it the old college try for you

for me the most interesting part of writing k/jr is exactly that newness; the fact that they have been loving rivals for a long time but not properly friends; having an idealized version of the other but not actually knowing any of the minutiae of the other's personality. i said earlier that i think the keremy song of all time is 'guilty pleasure' by chappell roan and i stand by it! i think k/jr is, at first, less about Feelings and more about the physical attraction, if that makes sense? with most kevin ships we part from the emotional side because almost everyone he's shipped with has a strong emotional connection to him, but for k/jr i've always felt that the physicality comes first and then the rest. we joke about kevin's exy crush on jeremy but i think that's one of the easiest ways to actually conceptualize feeling attracted to jeremy, and i think kevin definitely would see it that way because he has no other framework to understand it

that being said i think the most fun characterization for jeremy (to me!) is him taking a hammer to kevin's preconceptions and being like hm. well. you could try it if you want to! i called them a budding lesbian friendship slowly escalating into something more AND I STAND BY IT...... i think jeremy is an unstoppable force and kevin is not an unmoveable object... the way k/jr works for me is similar to how k/t works for me, which is that jeremy pokes and prods at kevin's worldview both by existing near him but also by actively pushing kevin and trying to find where his limits are. this is of course entirely sexual but also not! kevin says 'the world is like this' and jeremy says 'it doesn't have to be', kevin says 'the world is a bad place' and jeremy says 'then change it!' and so on and so forth. i like them :)

i have some conversations noted down for their relationship in my first time / first light fic so here's a few i think encapsulate a little bit of what i mean?

and here's a funny one to help you cope with that last one:

i hope it helped!!!!! somewhat! but honestly we are getting some kevin/jeremy interactions in the daybreak stadium so i think you can just sit around and wait for some canon dynamics!

[bloodyke]

You yanan and jun

LITERALLY SO TRUE please look at this meme i made back in 2020 when they dropped this selfie together

[orindas]

ok wait maybe having an epiphany

[wellnoe]

i've been thinking about lesbian scott, and i'd love to hear more of your thoughts about it! i really love how you think about scott in general :)

i love lesbian scott :) she is dear to me but most of my thoughts about her are just a vague fondness. also i want to point out that most of my thoughts on her are either things i have adopted from @boo-cool-robot, or things that i started thinking about while talking to them, so they are also someone you should ask about lesbian scott perhaps.

i think i have brought up most of my thoughts on lesbian cyclops in some form or another before now. but i do think she only starts to identify as trans, is only able to give a name to those feelings, as an adult, once she's been on the x-men for a while. and i think even then it takes her a while to figure out what she wants to do with that.

i also think it's interesting to think about cyclops's kind of. tendency to date telepaths in this context? like in 616 i think scott does really kind of appreciate telepathy for the ways it allows connection without explication. he does not have to be involved in explaining himself, he can let his partners gather what they will from his mind without much active involvement from him. also, i feel like he practically explicitly states in canon that he has a hard time expressing himself, he feels like he always comes across wrong, and telepathy helps him bypass some of those anxieties. his girlfriends are in his head. they know what he meant. anyway in a transbian cyclops context i feel like these things are still true? i think there's something maybe about it being comforting to her to think of her partners being able to connect to her, to love her and know her, in a way that bypasses the physical/visual. like. an escape from being gendered strictly as a man even before she comes out via the psychic.

thanks to @boo-cool-robot i tend to think of cyclops as coming out as trans/a lesbian in x-factor? which i also think is fun bc of rachel. like i think hearing rachel talk about her two moms is kind of an interesting weird experience for her. because one of those women is clearly jean. and the other one is a fun mystery!! that won't be a mystery for very long!!

i don't really like the time-displaced teen x-men, but i do think of them a LOT in trans scott contexts. the idea of kind of a reverse bobby situation is interesting to me? where with bobby you have his teen self come out and that reflect on his older self, i think a lot about teen cyclops coming to the future and seeing this older version of cyclops that everyone hates and who killed xavier and who's a woman and a lesbian and just. wanting that so badly. to be that version of cyclops while everyone else wants that version of cyclops to basically not exist. which i think is really really tough and also an awful situation but is also very interesting to me so.

ANYWAY!!! those are some of my general thoughts i guess?? like i said i am very fond of her but my thoughts tend toward the scattered. usually i think i tend to try to fit these kinds of ideas about characters into the actual x-men canon? and i think that really works with transbian cyclops. i think a lot of 616 cyclops’s hang-ups or anxieties or feelings can be related to gender or sexuality pretty easily, just by expanding on them a very little bit.

also thank you for asking!! love to talk about cyclops and gender and feelings and sexuality. truly one of my favorite topics.

[animentality]

Yeah gender is fake. I am glad people are starting to realize.

Now please start connecting the dots and see that gender is a set of rules made to keep women and girls small and subservient. Please work w radfems to tear it down. No child should ever be told they are playing with a “girl/boy” toy again

I don't get terfs though. I don't.

I know you probably are one, bc you've been stalking my blog for weeks.

How could you claim to be a feminist then uphold this idea that biology matters more than anything else?

Insist that men trying to be women are demeaning themselves in the process?

Or that they must be doing it for amoral reasons?

Isn't that just ragging on feminism too?

Biology is not destiny. Feminism broken down to its roots should destroy the idea that sex and gender are so fundamental to who we are.

You should be able to break that boundary. It's so bizarre how terfs have embraced this patriarchal idea of gender to enforce this idea that women are women and men are men.

A woman is whatever you want it to be.

A tomboy, a butch lesbian, a high femme, a she/they enby, a trans woman.

Femininity is a construct that can be remade however we see fit.

Why the fuck is it so hard for terfs to be accepting?

Why the fuck is it so wrong for a "man" to want to be a woman or a "woman" to want to be a man?

Why isn't that fluidity allowed?? What is your problem with it???

I can't imagine why a terf would think any trans woman is somehow evil without them just being a fucking bigot.

You don't know every single trans person.

You also don't know every single "man" either.

Too many of them think trans women are just men trying to steal their experiences or are predators in the making.

Those man hating ideas are precisely why you're a fucking laughing stock.

You really want to kill all men because they're all rapists and dogs that need controlling?

Please. Congrats on not understanding how the world works. And never meeting another human fucking being.

And upholding yet another sexist idea that men are just violent lustful sinners who don't want anything else in the world but to fuck you.

That's horrible.

Misogyny is horrible too of course. But it's a snake eating itself, trying to go the opposite way and say well all men-

All people are different, you pathetic shrivelling worm.

All people live by social systems we taught each other, but they could be changed if we wanted.

And that change starts from the ground up.

You fucking terfs have been ragging on me for weeks and sending me angry anons.

First off ive been here for 9 years, almost 10.

You don't scare or upset me. I'm used to anon hate.

Secondly, I'm not a fucking freak like you. I'm perpetually online but unlike you, I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt.

My mom raised me to try and feel compassion for everyone, even people who are different than me. To try and understand the suffering of others. To live in another person's shoes and appreciate a pain other than my own.

You are never going to convince me to hate any group of people based entirely on stereotypes and fiery rhetoric constructed by fucking fascists.

You'll never convince me to hurt a minority with a high suicide rate and the likehood to never make it past 30.

A minority which started the whole fucking LGBT movement.

I identify as nonbinary but I feel a kindred spirit with trans people because I've spent my whole life uncomfortable with certain pronouns too.

It was such a relief finding friends willing to call me by the right name.

The right pronouns.

I know what it's like to feel just a little of that disconnect. That discomfort.

Feeling like your insides don't match your outsides and that society is calling you the wrong thing, every day. And wishing it were different. Kinder. More accepting.

And even if I fucking didn't understand that.

You'll never turn me as cruel as you.

You fucking terf rats.

I've rambled too long so I'll just leave you the most essential message of this ramble, eloquently put, by Hozier.

[owlmylove]

Just had the very distressing thought that if I ever want to have a girlfriend I'm gonna have to TALK to a girl?!?!??!?!?!?

I'd have to talk to a girl that I LIKE and HAVE A CRUSH ON?!?!? Impossible! Please help a distressed lesbian if you have any advice

okay so: in my personal experience 90% of all lesbian flirting is eyeing up fellow women to discreetly try to determine if they, too, are wlw. then you compliment each others button downs and never speak to each other again

BUT if you would like to painstakingly attempt to challenge the starfish fallacy then read on for my comprehensive guide on flirting w/ women! (credentials: i have accidentally flirted with So Many Women oh my god)

first up: start with the art of compliments! if you're too shy to tell a girl they're gorg out of nowhere, then focus on their clothing, their haircuts, their cool shoes, the patches on their denim jackets, etc. opening a convo with a compliment is one of the easiest shortcuts, as it neatly prevents you from having to come up w/ a witty rejoinder right off the bat (save those for later)

physical proximity makes it easy to do this to someone standing or sitting next to you. if, however, they're on the other side of the room/otherwise engaged, it gets trickier. if ur confident enough to walk up to a girl in a coffeeshop + compliment her, GO FOR IT. but if you're too anxious to just coldcall her, approach with a question.

you can warp the compliment to fit the question, i.e. "Hey! Sorry to interrupt [your reading], but your book looks super interesting/I've seen it around & am debating whether to buy it. Would you recommend it?" or, re: outfits/haircuts "Hey! Your ____ is super cute, can I ask where you got it [done]?" if they're a classmate/coworker, you can make it even less direct: "Hey! Do you know when we're scheduled to do ____?" (<- this one comes w/ the perk of, pending her response, immediately asking for her # to swap shifts or trade notes, which can quickly allow for inviting her to a study group/after work drinks with coworkers. speedrun!!)

once Conversation is Initiated, maintain eye contact, listen attentively to their replies, and keep smiling/smizing. if they're reticent, follow up with more questions unless you're getting fuck off vibes ("I'm trying to get more into reading lately, would you have any other reccs?" or, "I haven't found a hairstylist yet since I moved here from _____, are there any other local spots you'd recommend?")

BUT if they're returning eye contact, smiling, and keeping open body language towards you, make it a full-on convo! offer some personal details in return, don't be afraid to make (non-risky!!!!) jokes, and (if you can control when & where you're moving, i.e. not during a job or class) have a built-in exit.

even if convos are going good, it's polite (+ leaves them wanting more via scarcity principle, etc. etc.) to end a brief first-time convo after a few minutes, ideally before the energy winds down & you're left feeling awkward. "it's been so lovely meeting you! [insert name here], right? I've got to get going, but thanks for the ___!" if you wanna play the long game/are in a coffeeshop/aren't confident enough yet (no shame!) ask if she comes here regularly and say you hope to see her around sometime soon.

if you've managed to get a good enough energy going: ask if she has an insta/social media you could get for _____ purpose, i.e. letting her know if you like the book/music/media she recc'd or asking for more local spots. IF, however, you don't wanna put yourself at the whim of her generosity: give yourself a cheat code during the initial conversation.

namely; reference something you'd recommend, think she'd find funny, or can't believe she hasn't seen yet, etc. etc. then, at the end of the convo, you can naturally offer "Oh! Lemme send you that X I mentioned--do you have an insta/social?" et voila. asking for social is always less awk/direct than asking for phone numbers, AND it lets the flirtee decide whether she wants to offer that level of trust just yet

if you're not coldcall flirting a girl in public, but rather have an object of your affections at work or school: this formula works p. much the same, but on a slower scale (if you don't use my speedrun ofc) start building a rapport via compliments/questions, progress to chatting briefly whenever you see each other, and third step: say "I saw something yesterday that totally reminded me of you/I just have to send to you!! Here-do I have your insta yet?"

once you have someone's insta: continue chatting when you see them irl/replying to their stories over social, and see if you can pay close enough attention to what she likes to do. judging by the number of accidental lesbian dates i've been on, it's probably

art museum

botanical gardens, or

burlesque shows

however, hikes, used bookstores, underground shows, and grocery shopping together for a subsequent picnic also feature prominently. invite her to do whatever activity you think you'd both enjoy most (over social or irl, whichever you're comfortable with [tho irl gives you a better judge of facial expressions/body language]) and boom. if she says yes, shoot back "it's a date!" after setting the day/time, bc if she's anywhere near as clueless as i am (i'm so sorry wlw) they may honestly think you're still just friends.

if, over the course of your irl convos or DMs, you have the chance to casually mention your sexuality (patches, pride is coming up, mention "my teenage crush/my ex-girlfriend") and ask for hers, go for it. if you can be direct: ask directly. it will save you time, trouble, and mild heartbreak. but if you suffer from the conflict avoidance that plagues lo so many of us: just lean into the subtext.

offer your celebrity crushes and ask what hers are. mention an ex (BRIEFLY, in connection to another topic entirely [she recc'd this cool band to me!] and always in a positive context). wear birkenstocks or docs and say Portrait of a Lady on Fire is the best film of all time, say you listen to girl in red or w/e those charming youths do. just lay the foundation in barely-subtext and keep an eye on her responses, while accepting the risk of wooing what may or may not be a fellow wlw

once you are, in point of fact, ON the date: standard rules and rates apply. relax! be urself!! enjoy spending time with a cool person, regardless of what may or may not come of it!!!! if she seems into it lean into physical proximity, do the whole Tarzan hand-comparison wlw are addicted to, offer to feed her bites of food or swap sips of each other's drinks, and casually set intentions for future plans ("I've never heard of X cafe--we'll have to do that next time!" or, the infamous buy-her-smth-secretly and then offer "You can get mine next time c:")

again, the most important thing is to be sincere. it's good not to place too many expectations on the other person, but don't force yourself to be overly "chill" if you are not, in point of fact, a chill person. dating is always a process of getting to know one another, and it's important to be polite but pls don't feel like you have to follow a script or be someone you're not. just be you babe: you're already plenty lovable. godspeed + good luck!!<33

[honeymaki]

kitty i need advice :(( i’m fairly certain i’m a lesbian and i’ve just gotten my first crush on a girl (i had little crushes on friends as kids so idk if that counts???) and we’re friends and she’s so funny and draws so good and i love talking to her and we kinda flirt??? or at least i am!! or trying too… but idk if she is 😳 i think??and i feel like i’m !! being gross about it?? like you know how a lot of men are friends with girls bc they wanna fuck them i feel like that’s what i’m doing even though i’m not and just!!!!! idk :( what do you think??

You know? Not once did you objectify your crush upon mentioning her. You described what you two do, what you think of her, how she makes you feel. You said it yourself; you’re not friends with her to fuck her.

You like other things about her and that’s not something to be afraid of, just let it flow yknow? And if you feel sexual attraction towards her, if you wanna kiss and do others things; that’s also not something to be afraid of. You have a crush on her!!! That’s cute and soft and secret and sexy, it can mean whatever you want it to mean. Lesbians and wlw/nbwlw view women differently to cis men because they aren’t cis men - if that makes sense. The beauty of being wlw is to understand women, connect with them, empathise on such a deep level simply because we are one in the same. And if that means wanting to fuck them, then that’s fair!! But it also could means not wanting to fuck them too. There’s always that ick of ‘oh I’m just as bad as a man for objectifying a women/wanting to fuck a women’ because there is still that deep rooted dilemma of not wanting to stoop as low as a cis man but also wanting to explore sexuality and pleasure. Just go with how you feel, don’t force anything - in or out. If you feel sexual attraction, then remember that it’s allowed, it’s freeing and wonderful and amazing! And if you don’t feel sexual attraction, that is also freeing and wonderful and amazing!!! She’s your crush, and you described her and your feelings in a way no gross yucky man would🥺

[givelifetoaworld]

it’s cool when people describe their nb/transmasc identity as having an attachment to womanhood through something like their sexuality, or opposite, being connected closely to manhood… but sometimes i feel like things are, for lack of a better word atm, polarized in queer spaces so that like. if you’re transmasc you’re either closer to a lesbian/butch identity and if not you’re closer to a Man, however that is defined… and it kinda sucks because i don’t feel either and can’t really relate to anyone??

i’m not a lesbian and have never identified as such, but i do love women, but i’m not “wlw” and do not feel comfortable with that label because i am firmly not a woman or anything like that, but my attraction to women is important to my gender identity. i’m not butch. that word doesn’t describe me and it makes me uncomfortable when people misinterpret my identity in that way. the problem is my attraction to women isn’t all that heterosexual. i don’t want it to be like… “wlw/lesbian” OR “straight” bc it’s… not any of those? its just queer. it’s just queer and i don’t want to have to explain it in any other way. because i do not consider myself a man… but i’m more masculine, but i’m not a Man. but my attraction to men is still queer too. i feel like sometimes it’s just not allowed to have your attraction to all genders be queer at once - like there has to be a straight one (but maybe that’s just biphobia).

i just refer to myself as nonbinary trans man/or just transmasculine because that’s the closest thing i can get to describing it; i just hate that there’s like. expectations in that identity that i’m still gendering myself in one way or another in terms of my sexuality if that makes sense?? sometimes i’m like “if i lived in the past and didn’t have my current language how would i identify broadly” but the answer is i would just feel horribly abnormal and probably be in a mental institution 😩 it’s bleak but i probably just wouldn’t have survived. when i think back to realizing my attraction to women at a young age, i felt deeply confused because like, being afab, i didn’t feel comfortable being attracted to women in a lesbian/wlw type way. at all. call it “””internalized homophobia””” all u want (it was not!!!) but it was just Wrong to me. i didnt feel happy being attracted to men in a straight way either - and straight just still doesn’t work with my attraction to women currently.

idk i’m just going off if u actually read this any thotz

[scalpelsister]

its oversharing hour on tumblr. cr3 spoilers below but im not tagging this bc i dont want it in the main tags. (again, really oversharing on this one, don’t reblog obvi haha, but feel free to comment or whatever)

god i have so many thoughts. too many thoughts. i think most people know that I am a laudna stan + have def done my fair share of projecting onto her w/ mental illness (schizophrenia and a little bit o ptsd). Like as part of schizophrenia, I experience cotards- for me specifically I often have both delusions and hallucinations surrounding my body rotting, or about me being undead- this was something that started in my second psychotic episode ~ 2020. I connect with undead characters, especially ones who show any sign of goodness, because I often perceive myself as being literally undead. Seeing an undead character in my favorite show- especially after seeing Sylvanas Windrunner being utterly fucked over and villainized wrongfully- was such a comforting thing for me inherently. Like Laudna was a source of hope for me- shes undead, shes weird, people might judge her for being weird or monstrous, but shes loved so deeply. Like it was a reassurance that people like me could be good and kind and be loved and have friends. That there really was hope for traumatized corpse people after all (again, keep in mind, that the last traumatized corpse person I connected with ended up having the writing team say no actually, shes evil for being a traumatized corpse, and deserves to take her own life and go to hell).

My energy rn is not letting me word things how I want to, but I can’t stress enough how important it was to see an undead who had severe trauma and heard voices in her head and was weird and off putting to most people who didn’t try to get to know her. To see her unashamedly love weird morbid creepy shit and see her embrace at least some of her weirdness. And to then see her be genuinely, deeply loved (esp by another woman. hashtag lesbianism or whatever), and be appreciated for being who she is, not despite of it. Like idk maybe its the trauma / abandonment trauma in me showing, but seeing Imogen go back to her, seeing others be unafraid to share a bed with her, seeing others show concern about HER rather than fear of her when Delilah shit happened. Like the amount of times I’ve opened up about my voices- not even bad things they say, but just having them to be met with ‘are you like... homicidal? like are you going to hurt me?’ or the gem of ‘yeah I care about you but idk if I can trust you now that I know that. You will never be allowed around my future kids if I’m not there, because you’re dangerous. Like thank you for sharing but I’m going to go now and think about it before you hurt me or something’. Like its such a low bar but shes honestly the only character I can even think of or name that wasn’t villainized or hated or otherwise had the narrative imply their life was meaningless / wrong / they where better of dead just for being like me. Like I know this may not connect with many others but its so alienating and isolating to see other people like you demonized again and again and again in fiction and seeing the same message of ‘the death of people like you is worth celebrating’ all over the place. I can’t possible put into words how meaningful it is to have even on character break that mold. To hear /anyone/ much less one of my fave actresses on my fave show (which-has been my favorite since long before I experienced cotards to clarify) that being like this and just being alive and trying to love others regardless was worth celebration. That there is hope and love waiting in the future.

I think thats why her death is hitting me so hard. I just want to see ONE character like me make it to their happy ending. Just one to say that my life doesn’t have to be a tragedy.

And I think thats why people are pissing me off SO BAD by insisting she will come back alive / not undead, that it would so cool and fun to see all of that erased. I don’t want that to be erased. Its utter total bullshit to say it would be more interesting or more impactful to see her ‘properly’ alive and not have voices anymore and forget her loved ones and how much they love her. I want her back as she was. I don’t care if others think shes broken or gross or that she should get to be alive again or whatever. She’s been alive this whole time. She’s had a soul this whole time. There’s nothing fucking wrong with her, stop trying to fix her or uno reverse her being different. It was already interesting and meaningful that she WAS different and that it wont go away and that that’s fucking ok and doesn’t make her worthless or bad or unlovable. Shut the fuck up please.

[lesbianlenas]

ok real quick let me just make a case for all of u why kara comes across as a lesbian even with supercorp completely out of the picture (and it is entirely the writers’ faults). if we look at season 1 and her relationship w james she pines for him for the entire season until he finally breaks up w lucy so they can go on a date together. the second that james openly returns her affections and wants to date her kara suddenly backs down and claims that she doesn’t have the time for a relationship. outside of the show we know why this happened but in universe this is a prime example of comp het ie having a crush on a guy but rejecting him once he actually signals towards returning the affection bc the crush is not really real. and james was a great target for kara to have this sort of a comp het crush on bc from the very beginning he admired her as supergirl and inspired her to want to be a hero even more and soon becomes a very good friend and is also unavailable. whereas winn made it very clear that he liked kara which immediately made her unable to form these feelings towards him bc she already knew he reciprocated and she did not want that. want to clarify here that i am saying kara is doing this subconsciously not intentionally.

now if we go to season 2 w monel kara is completely uninterested in monel and that is very obvious for the first half of the season. they don’t get along he degrades her and won’t listen to her and that is exactly the type of guy that kara would never want to be with. when he tells her he likes her she reacts with open discomfort and puts her face in her hands and rejects him. she only gives monel a chance after alex convinces her that she should and that it will be good for her so she can have smth like her and maggie did. which deep down is exactly what kara wants in the fact that alex is with another woman. so kara agrees to date monel bc 1. she can’t justify to alex why she shouldn’t and why she doesn’t like him and she can’t justify it to herself either so she needs to date him bc of course she likes guys! and he likes her so why should she say no when alex thinks they’d be good together 2. she DOES want what alex and maggie have and she is misdirecting that desire to be with another woman onto having a relationship in general w a man in the same way that alex is doing bc she doesn’t see herself as able to have any other options. the rest of their relationship notwithstanding notice how kara is unable to tell monel she loves him until he is being sent away 1. as a pity goodbye 2. bc she knows that she won’t have to deal w the consequences of saying it so it doesn’t HAVE to mean anything. season 3 kara doesn’t try to break him up w his wife bc she doesn’t want to. and she doesn’t ask him to stay bc she doesn’t want him to either. everything she felt for him was obviously entirely surface level and there was no true emotional connection there.

and then last we have the william situation which is another perfect example of this. william asks kara on a date and she says no bc she doesn’t want to go on a date w him. nia and alex both encourage her to date him and kara finally agrees. alex tells kara she looks good in blue and to wear that and kara wears purple. the date is awkward and they have no chemistry w each other whatsoever. and once again it’s bc kara doesn’t want it to work out. she doesn’t want william to think she looks good or to have a great time w her. she’s only going out w him bc the ppl she cares abt told her to and she feels like it’s expected of her and she has no real reason not to.

so basically my conclusion here is to say that kara has always been different bc she’s an alien and has never quite felt normal or human. and kara has done a lot of things and repressed herself in many ways so that she can feel like she’s human and pretend that she is despite not actually being human. one of the most fundamental “normal” human woman experiences is to date and fall in love with a man and i’m sure that this is smth that kara has had drilled into her head not just on earth but on krypton as well. to be a lesbian would be another way that kara isn’t normal and that she’s ostracized from society for smth abt herself that she can’t change. so it’s easier for her to put on a front (just like she has done ever since she came to earth all the time) and pretend to like guys and to date them bc it’s what her friends and family expect of her and she needs just one part of herself that can “fit in” even if the rest of her doesn’t. and she already bears the burden of coming out as an alien and as supergirl and to be gay too is just too much. i also think there is a case to be made for krypton likely being heavily conservative (perhaps the reason for kara’s reaction to alex’s coming out ie “but we aren’t allowed to accept those feelings about ourselves”) which means that kara will have been raised her entire life believing this part of her to be wrong and that she’d be letting down her family if she were to act on her desires and she already has enough guilt in that area. in any case the sg writers being the worst ever at writing romances has in my opinion led to a very convincing case that kara is just experiencing comp het towards men and is a lesbian.

[lesbicastagna]

i think the reason i cant get over my internalized homophobia is because i cant talk about it.

i exorcise a lot of stuff by discussing it with others and by experience the problems that haunted me the longest were the ones that i didn't allow myself to talk about whether because of pride or circumstances.

i just feel like this part is the ugliest of my experience with my sexuality and talking about it will do no good to anyone hearing it. im afraid that like with a lot of things one remembers the bad stuff more than the good stuff so it won't matter how i think that being a lesbian is a blessing to me or how good and right it feels most of the time. online im afraid of the audience and how i may bring a Bad gay example that will just bring others, more vulnerable than me even, down. irl i have nobody who could understand. some could get close but again i would never burden my lgbt friends with something as ugly as this. it just feels so bad and i cant work it out. i truly do feel like a burden to other people, i feel like a scam, like something went wrong and no matter what i do i have this fallacy that sets me apart and eventually drives me away from peer connection. even worse is the fact that i feel guilty for trying to connect bc then i hurt others because of this and i cant stop doing it because its Who I am, it's out of my control, so the only thing i can control is simply stop getting close to other people.

and I know logically it doesnt make sense. I know its not my fault i know its just me feeling Wrong for not adhering to what a misogynistic society taught me i should be but irrationally i cant stop. augh

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.