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thewalrusespublicist · 15 days ago

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"Tbh I was starting to feel a bit down about my blog and what I was putting out ( the eternal crisis on how to give full answers and opinions without being stupid, boring and annoying lol)"

OMG no way! Your blog is one of the best here! What i love the most is reading the analysis and meta from the users, there's always more information and good takes, and yours are always quite deep and insightful.

I would love if you share your opinions about Stuart as well. I feel like he is obviously more sanctified that he should be since he died young (like that insane quote from his mom saying that Brian told her that Stuart could have been the Beatles' manager, no way lol) and i feel his memory has been used to attack Paul, sometimes in a very unfair way. Like, i don't deny the teenage drama and jealousy that Paul felt about him but he *was* a shitty bass player and the band was Paul's future, he was allowed to criticized him not only for being John's new bestie. I also think John played with them both but i lack of your eloquence so i will love to read your take about it.

Hi anon! And the other anons!

Thank you again and to all the other messages I got, they were extremely sweet and really made my day. :)

From my inbox, it's clear you guys want to know about Stu and his role in the Beatles legacy. Well you asked for it and a novel you shall have. Be warned this might be the longest post I've done so grab like a drink or something.

A few disclaimers: I wish and had intended for this to be more of a deep dive into Stu as a whole person rather than just his relationship with John and Paul. Unfortunately I just didn't have the space to do it. If you want to know more about Stu I would highly recommend @eppysboys' blog which is the source for all things Stu Sutcliffe and where I got a lot of this info. Please check their stuff out. Also, I'm going to be a bit blunter on this than maybe I usually am because this topic has been irritating me for some time. Oh also I’m trying my best to answer a lot of asks in one post so please forgive if I don’t fully answer your specific ask about this!

Stu in a perfect world should be a fandom darling: an exciting cipher, a handsome artistic talent that died way too soon who had a major influence in the early Beatles style. It's like there’s this secret other James Dean looking mf Beatle hidden away to uncover, that's cool and he is cool! The problem is that he’s sort of becomes radioactive to talk about in a normal way due to how he's been portrayed and utilised in some biographies and fandom spaces, particularly those that have been infected by John Lennon aspirational boy bestie syndrome. As those types of spaces cannot seem to exist without tearing down Paul to prop John up as their special lil guy, Stu as John's other best friend has become the ideal heavy object to hit Paul McCartney over the head with. It's like a corrosive element, the minute Stu hits a Beatles bio, the biographer suddenly loses all training in objectivity and source work and starts waxing lyrical about 100 percent reliable never biased or wrong Saint Stu of Hamburg who died for our condom arson sins and that Paul McCartney should feel bad about every day of his life for not worshipping Stu and not accepting his own ‘place’ in life as John's just-some-guy placeholder best friend. I’ve personally seen so many posts and forums where Stu being mentioned leads to a legion of comments about how Paul could never have been Stu (correct both ways) and how John would never have even glanced at Paul for much longer if Stu had been alive. Sidenote: If you seriously think that the musical savant from down the road whom John went on to produce the most prolific song writing partnership in history with couldnt have kept his attention for long then I'm begging you on hands and knees to get your head out of the arse of your John Lennon body pillow and be serious. But anyway…

This boy bestie battle royale approach has in turn lead to a reflex reaction where Stu gets studiously ignored by other sections of the fandom as a precedent has been set that shining a light on him diminishes Paul and John's relationship with Paul. It's frustrating because if people weren't so keen to cut Paul out of his own story then we would get a much better nuanced view of every single person involved.

So let's put aside all of our defenses, cut the John Lennon loved one ranking system bullshit and lets look at the actual question here which is what was John and Stu's relationship really like and what did he mean to John?

John and Stu met at art college a year or so after Paul and John met. Up to that point John and Paul had their fun little codependant thing going on but Stu quickly became a huge fixture in John's life. Stu had things that Paul couldn't really offer at that point in time. John was at his heart a musician who aspired to be seen as an artist (he would later express surprise that he didn't become an artist). Stu was the passionate artist who knew tons about the art of the period that could teach and inspire John. Their creative leanings meant they could work on projects together and share art notebooks and poetry. (Including yes the one with anti-semitic story which I mention again as I believe it's an important thing to remember when it comes to both John and Stu and the culture of the time.) Stuart by the sounds of it was even writing a novel about John at the time of his death. They were fascinated and inspired by each other.

So, creatively they fired each other up but more importantly perhaps, Stu and John were peers. It's funny to think about when you see the Beatles later but at the time Paul and George were the kids in their school uniform coming to see their cool older friend at art school. That's an important divide. When Paul and George's parents insisted their kids do their homework and go to bed, John and Stu could stay up and talk all hours of the night, which they did. They also could rent a place together and spend long hours chatting (despite John moving out later after realising electricity cost money lol.) There's a different dynamic that the age similarity offered as well. Whilst Paul would later somewhat grow into this role, Stu could act as an authority figure to John as well as open up to John in a way you can really only do with your peers. Stu was the person John opened up to throughout Stu's life:

How long can one go on writing and writing like you. I now don’t really know who I’m writing to or why it’s quiet peculiar. I usually write like this and forget about it but if I put it in a little part of my [almost?] secret self in the hands of someone miles away who will wonder what the hell is going on or just pass it off as toilet paper. Anyway I don’t care really what happens because when I think about it, it’s so bloody unimportant – but what is important who has the right to say that this letter is not important and this is a something any way – anyway – anyway – yeah! I wonder what it would be like to be a cretin or something. I bet it’s gear. & how are you keepin Stuart old chap are you as ok – is life as good – bad shite, great – wonderful as it was or is it just a thousand years of nothing and coolness on and on and on. I think this is it Goodbye Stu don’t write out of – er what is it? well not because you think you ought to write when you feel like So goodbye (from John you know the one with glasses) ANYWAY BYE BYE see you soon I don’t know why I said that I remember a time when everyone I loved hated me because I hated them so what so what so fucking what I remember a time when belly buttons were knee high when only shitting was dirty and everything else clean + beautiful I can’t remember anything without a sadness So deep that it hardly becomes known to me so deep that its tears leave me a spectator of my own STUPIDITY + so I go rambling on with a hey nonny nonny nonny no

Extract from a letter to Stuart Sutcliffe from John Lennon, 1961

By lots of accounts Stu was gentle but firm when it came to telling John he'd gone too far. John references this aspect of Stu to Hunter Davies:

"I looked up to Stu. I depended on him to tell me the truth. Stu would tell me if something was good and I'd believe him."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

In this way I kind of see Stu as a proto-Yoko. John was so insecure and uncertain about his grip on the world and reality that he relied on Stu to be his point of reference and guide. Paul did this too later and I think in Hunter Davies John mentions this, but not at this time period and not as much due to their competitiveness. This may be why some people saw Stu as the person that really understood John at this time period:

"During the turbulent adolescence that prefaced a turbulent manhood, hardly anyone knew Lennon as intimately as Stuart Sutcliffe. If they weren't exactly David and Jonathan, June Furlong, one of the life models at Liverpool's Regional College of Art, had "never seen two teenagers as close as those two."

The Gospel According To Lennon by Alan Clayson

Now this person likely never met John and Paul together but this is only one of many similar quotes and even Julia captain of John and Paul's friendship boat seems to agree there was a period where Stu dominated and Paul 'kept his distance' from the John-Cyn-Stu 'menage-a-trois'. But the friendship wasn't perfect and his position as John's ultimate best friend was never iron clad. This is best outlined by the shit they pulled when John convinced him to join on Bass for the Beatles.

Despite being John's best friend, Stu was teased and bullied:

"They argued as usual amongst themselves, but most of all they picked on Stu, the newest member of the group. John, George and Paul had been with each other long enough to know that rows and arguments and criticism didn't mean much. If it did, you just argued back. "We were terrible," says John. "We'd tell Stu he couldn't sit with us, or eat with us. We'd tell him to go away, and he did." At one hotel they stayed at, a variety show had just left. There had been a dwarf in the show and they found out which bed he had slept in and said that would have to be Stu's. They certainly weren't going to sleep in it. So Stu had to. "That was how he learned to be with us," says John. "It was all stupid, but that was what we were like."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

Why John encouraged this I have no idea, maybe jealousy over Stu's looks and wanting to play people off each other? Things were tense in both Scotland and Hamburg, especially between Stu and Paul. As I said in my last post, the girls were fighting and it was mutual. Paul was mad for both fair and immature teenage-boy reasons. Stu could not be bothered with the bass most of the time and couldn't really play well and was only there as he was '(John's) best friend' (ouch for Paul). Paul conversely had given up higher education to be there and was sending lots of money back home. He also was dating the girl Paul fancied. Stu was popular with the new group and also did mean things like help John steal Paul's money when money was really tight for him. Paul in turn was a passive aggressive, jealous and mean. It all came to ahead in the punch up onstage which according to Spitz came about from Paul wanting money back and saying that Stu could borrow some from Astrid. Stu goes for him and reports vary from full-on bust up to embarrassing scuffle. Stu then goes to where Astrid and Paul's gf Dot are, demands Dot leaves and goes on a rant about Paul. Now all of this must be framed in the context of Stu receiving increasing brain damage from his condition that seemingly lead to mood swings and anger. Nevertheless, the mutual needling and anger, as well as John's refusal to do/say fuck all about it, especially given how protective John was of Stu, suggests that it wasn’t straightforward and/or John may have been playing some games to make both feel threatened. This would also make sense as to why we hear conflicting accounts of John and Stu being the centre of everything and everyone else in orbit AND John and Paul being the centre and everyone else playing catch-up, as well as John giving Paul the lead to take him round the Reeperbahn when John got dressed in the gorilla costume. (I know Paul may have just been the closest there but that always gave off bestie behaviour to me.)

(I did get an ask about how John and Paul's friendship survived it, I think it was damaged by Hamburg. When Paul got back home he got a job at a construction site and there's just a vibe of everything being a bit on tenterhooks. John also acts a bit weird at the period, not talking to anyone for a few weeks then making a lot of weird demands from Paul. I'm really not sure what to make of it.)

Even when he's back in Liverpool, John still writes long letters to Stu and vice-versa. I can't find it at all but I’ve read a really sad interview with John saying he missed his best mate and it's a shame that he's not with them. He had no idea at that point that Stu had already died of a brain hemorrhage at 21.

John is said to have gone into hysterics when he found out Stu had died. A lot of people who've spoken about this time (Aunt Mimi, his sister Julia, the Exsis) concur that at this point Stu was his best friend and the death shattered him. He even told Astrid he wished he could give his life for Stu’s. This is backed up by the fact that John never forgot Stu and his shadow lingered for the rest of John's life:

Stu was recalled in In My Life

Years later, after John composed the first of his truly poignant and heartfelt Beatles songs, "In My Life"—with its lines about "friends I still can recall/some are dead and some are living"—he revealed to me that the two people he had had uppermost in mind were myself and Stuart Sutcliffe. And then he stunned me with a statement that I'd never heard him address to anyone—least of all to another man. "You know, Pete," he said softly, "I do love you. But," he quickly added, "I loved Stuart as well."

Weird that Paul isn't mentioned surely you think that he would be mentioned if Pete was there too okay, okay my tin hat is going away this isn't the time

Pete Shotton, Nicholas Schaffner, John Lennon: In My Life

In 1965 John drew Stu on a postcard

He apparently said this about Stu prior to sending the postcard, prompted by an article about Stuart.

The card had been sent from Genoa mid-way through the Beatles' Italian tour. [...] But the conversation had become maudlin when I reminded him that he was going to talk to me for an article about Stuart. [...] In that sad telephone conversation before they set off for Milan, I asked him if he was happy: 'I'd be a lot happier if Stuart was still part of us,' he said, 'The Beatles would be complete.' And before he rang off he said 'Ill send you something.'

He also appears on the cover of Sgt Pepper

As mentioned, Stu gets mentioned in Hunter Davies in terms of wistfulness and guilt AND he gets a mention in John's insane 'if I were a homosexual' ramblings in early 70s. According to Yoko, John also wanted Yoko to write letters to him and didn't think it would be strange because Stu wrote letters to him.

I have a pet theory that as with a lot of things for John, his unresolved grief over Stu really came to the fore in the late 60s now that he had actually had a chance to sit down and think about things. I believe it was partially why he wanted Yoko to write letters and why he gets mentioned in the early 70s as a collaborator/best friend and not in 1980 where John only gives that credit to Paul and Yoko. I think with the cracks with Paul, John had started to think back on his old friend and guide and what advice he would give.

Stuarts presence is still felt throughout the seventies:

“He told me everything. He loved to talk about Hamburg. There were no secrets. It was the kind of life I never knew…. It meant total freedom. At his side always was Stuart, sweet Stuart. There wasn’t a time in John’s life when he didn’t think about Stuart. He spoke always of his love and respect for Stuart.”

Yoko discussing Stu in When They Were Boys: The True Story of the Beatles’ Rise to the Top by Larry Kane

Coming to grips with his death is also present in Skywriting

SEAN O’HAIRE: What happened to Stuart Cliff? DR. FISCHY: What happened was a full exchange of energy where it was not needed within the expression of your own self or in the energies involved around and about you. We cannot call it a happening. We’ll say it is an awakening, for in that way it has served an expression from the past to the present and to the future to where there shall be more of that incomplete vibration expressed to you in a more fuller understanding.

Skywriting by Word of Mouth, John Lennon

This isn't exhaustive but I think from all this it's pretty clear that John adored Stu, John grieved Stu and kept grieving Stu. Stu had a specific place in his life as a confidant that he tried to recreate with Yoko. At the time of Stu's death, he was John's best friend, probably slightly over Paul. Stuart had been able to be both a friend and paternal presence, a confidant and an artistic collaborator. His presence and loss was one of the foundational points in John's life.

But as we've been asked to play this stupid game and so many bios like to make a hoopla about it, were they at their closest ever as close as John and Paul were at their height?

No.

How do we know? Because John told us so:

" He [Paul] still is the closest friend I've ever had, except for Yoko, so I'm still close to him whatever goes on."

John Lennon to an interviewer, 1971

But Walrus! John just says shit! How do we know he isn't leaving out Stu because the press don't know Stu. Well true John does just say shit but this is at a time where John isn't the most glowing about Paul and he's had no problem mentioning Stu in this time period ('one of my best friends ever' would have made a similar point).

But Walrus again! If John picked Stu over Paul when they were young why wouldn't he be the boy bestie of all time, and why would John say that he was closer to Paul? Well, because of the environment and timings. Stu's death happened near the beginning of John and Paul's major bonding moments. If you look at their personal timeline, Paris, the Nerk twins, and getting signed happened just before Stu died. That's missing the major years of Beatlemania, Key West, LSD, Paul growing more into being John's peer and a load of other huge moments in their lives. It's like how John writes to Cyn in 1962 about wanting the house to themselves and not have Paul around all the time. Would you say because he feels closer to Cyn then that John in his overall lifetime loved Cyn more than Paul? No, because relationships change over time and theirs were no exception. (One thing to consider as well is that we don't yet have many letters between John and Paul during their Beatles years and earlier, probably because they were spending so much time with each other. We know a couple exist that Paul considers too personal for publication but I'm sure there are others. It's easy to understand what John felt for Stu as we have the letters, I think we would also have an easier time understanding what John felt for Paul if we had the equivalent of those.)

At the end of the day Paul was the man he believed he had a psychic bond with, the man he couldn’t shut up about, the man whom he’d conquered the world with with their endless collaboration, the man with a twin personality to him and according to John spent more time with throughout the 60s than he had with Yoko ever. To be frank if Paul had died in 67' I don't think this would have been a conversation.

As mentioned early, in early 1970s John elevates his partnership with Stu to his collaborations with Paul and Yoko but by 1980 he’s pretty clear that Paul and Yoko are their own category.

"I was saying to somebody the other day, “There’s only two artists I’ve ever worked with for more than a one night stand, as it were. That’s Paul McCartney, and Yoko Ono.” And I think that’s a pretty damned good choice!!"

John Lennon interview with DJ Dave Sholin, 1980

There are of course the what ifs. Would Stu still being alive mean that John was not as close with Paul? Maybe, highly doubtful though as the Beatles experience was so intense. If Stu remained a Beatle would John be as close with Paul? If Stu remained a Beatle he wouldn't be Stu so no. At the same time who knows what it would have been like if Paul and John were peers from the off? I said this to @the62ndbugsfan when it comes to Stu vs Paul (hi girl sorry i've made our chat a whole ass post lol) but to go a bit Wuthering Heights, soulmates are made as much from the earth as they are of the stars. What binds us is our experiences just as much as our personalities. There may be a universe where Stu and John took on the art world together or became inseparable bffs again after the Beatles disbanded, but it is not our universe. In this universe Stu tragically died and John and Paul chose to become Lennon/McCartney and artistically unite themselves forever.

Even going back to Stu's lifetime, I've said it before and I'll say it again I find it interesting that not only did John choose to go to Paris with Paul rather than pay to meet up with Stu somewhere but that they arranged to meet up with Juergen and nobody told Stu until they'd already gone. Stu was shocked and didn't know if it meant the end of the Beatles which is a pretty big thing for him not to know about. Why didn't John tell him if they're apparently still writing long letters? Was it because he really wanted to do this with Paul and didn't want to hurt Stu's feelings? And that's really the point I want to make here. Due to his trauma John was preoccupied with reinforcing ranking of relationships within his life. But the thing is friendship rankings are made up guidelines and the reality is far more complicated. You can have a designated best friend but feel closer to another friend at times, you can want to do one thing specifically with one friend and not the other for various reasons. You can (as I do) have more than one equal best friend. Friendship as with most relationships are in a constant state of flux and each friendship you have will give and mean a different thing, even if they are of similar value to you.

Paul may have ended up closer to John than Stu had been, but that doesen't make John's relationship with Stu any less special. Nor does Stu negate the significance of Paul. Whilst both fit into John's pattern of intense relationships and demands related to that, both had unique positions and meaning to him. Considering what I've gone into about John's closeness to Stu, it actually says something deeply, borderline unnervingly, intense about John and Paul that Paul pipped Stu to the post. Maybe it's time Beatles bios accept the fact that John Lennon just wouldn't be into them like that, stop using a tragically prematurely deceased young man as a prop in their jealous psychological warfare against Paul McCartney, stop perpetuating one of the most damaging games that John did to his loved ones and allow both relationships the space to shine and showcase the amazing talent that was the Beatles and those that surrounded them.

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irisxstardust · 2 years ago

Text

— snow on the beach » e. williams

a/n: i've been obsessed with this for days now i had to get it out of my brain. if something isn't right or factual, no it isn't. hope u enjoy anyway. also idk if this'll have multiple parts i just ended it where it felt right. also i'm bad at summaries just read it anyway. based off the taylor swift song hyperlinked here.

summary: you're minding your own business when the familiar book in your hand sparks ellie williams' interest. a couple french fries and cold drinks later, you're on her surfboard learning how to surf; you've always wanted to learn, but actually learning seemed as rare as snow on the beach. so what happens when it snows on the beach?

cw: (very minimal) swearing, suggestive desc, its really just fluff tbh. didn't describe reader or their clothing/hair at all. surfing is a pretty inclusive sport as is so there's no worries there.

pairings: (loser) sufer!ellie x beachy!reader

wc: 2.5k

You stand up, quickly rubbing grains of sand off your backside before turning to face down your towel. Grabbing it by the corners you lift it up and sake it, clumps of sand falling away into the ground beneath you.

The wind had been extra harsh all afternoon, leaving a fine dusting of sand all over your beach gear. You would huff, stand up, shake out your towel, and flop down on it only to repeat the process again twenty minutes later.

You sit back down on the towel, picking your book up and flipping back to your marked page, little sand grains embedded in creases in random pages.

The book was new, one you'd bought with the beach in mind, and all you wanted to do was read it. Obviously, the wind had other ideas - as did the universe.

"Good book."

You hum, head shooting towards the speaker. A young woman comes into view, hair short enough that it cups her jawline, wearing short black shorts and holding a cream-colored surfboard.

"That's a good book. I read it last year in my English Lit. class. Worth it," she nods, eyes glancing from your book to your face.

You recognized her from countless beach days prior - she always came alone, always left alone, and almost never spoke to anyone aside from a polite "morning" or "see you later" to other surfers. She was in some of your classes too, only the science or math ones, though, and you were fairly certain she was a STEM major.

"Oh, yeah! I'm only halfway through but it's really good so far," you smile, "only got it to read here." You shrug and pull your legs in, sitting criss-cross on your towel, mind swimming as your eyes skim the girl.

"You come to the beach just to read?"

You roll your eyes, "it's not a bad thing - plenty of people do it."

She doesn't respond aside from the nod of her head, eyes now focused on the ocean in front of you.

"There's not many surfers today," you say suddenly, "watched them all leave a few hours ago."

She nods, "yeah, I haven't been here in a while either; hasn't been any good waves recently."

"Didn't look like it."

She chuckles, her eyes glancing over at you again - up, down / down, up. She scans your little area as if she was looking for something before bringing her eyes back up to your face.

"You didn't bring any water with you to the beach?"

You shake your head, "I left my bottle on the counter at home."

She exhales loud - laughing quietly, "Wanna grab something with me?" Her head gestures toward the restaurants on the boardwalk though her eyes stay trained on you.

You ponder it for a moment before marking your page and setting your book on your towel. "Where were you thinking?"

She grins, "which is your favorite?"

•••

"So, how long have you been surfing?" You ask, hand resting gently around your cool glass of water.

She swallows a bite of her fries and leans back, looking up in thought. She finally looks back down and shrugs, "couple years. Ever since I moved here, basically."

"Is it fun? It looks fun," you turn to glance at the beach through the window before turning back to the girl - now known as Ellie. "I love to watch people surf."

"Oh yeah, I love it," she smiles. "You've never tried it?"

You shake your head, furrowing your brows out of surprise, "oh absolutely not," you scoff. "That'd be like if it... if it snowed on the beach - fucking insane."

She shrugs, "you never know until you try it." Her eyes have a devious tint to them, her voice suggestive.

So you walk out of the restaurant together, across the beach to your towel and her board, little whips of excitement flashing through your veins.

"Is it hard?"

"Nah," she shakes her head and scoffs, "just gotta get used to it. You can practice here for now."

She flips her board in the sand so it is facing the right way, waxy side up, and she pats it a few times with her hands.

"The wax might feel a little weird but it's not really noticeable in the water," she says, resting on her knees to the side of the surfboard. "Uh, here, lay on it."

"What?"

"You have to lay on it," her face it blank, ears red. "You know... in the water when you start paddling towards the wave... you have to lay on it."

"Oh! Yeah..." but your feet are unmoving. You stand there, at the edge of her surfboard, rethinking the position you put yourself in.

"Here, I'll show you."

She stands again and you step back.

She drops herself on top of the board, straddling either side of it while looking up at you. "If you're just sitting there you can sit like this: one leg on either side of the board. It's easier to lay down when you sit like this."

You nod, eyes scanning her sandy legs. Her top is digging into her sides tightly and you think that looks uncomfortable as she shifts her position.

She shifts so she is laying on the board, stomach flat against it. "That's how you'll lay down. Just-" she does it again. "Like that."

You nod, again. You're briefly rendered speechless while you watch her muscles flex as she lays down again.

"Then," her voice snaps you back to reality. "When you're ready for the wave, you gotta jump up-" she props herself up with each arm holding either edge of the board while her legs jump to the center of the board. She stands slowly, "like that."

She laughs softly as she meets you face on again, your eyes wide. "You do that in the water?"

"It's not that* bad it's just... it takes a minute to get used to," she shrugs. "Wanna try?" She steps off the board into the sand behind her.

"I don't really know anymore..." but you step over the board anyway, slowly lowering yourself onto it. You repeat her motions, just a little slower and shakier, as she watches from the side.

"Oh see!" She says as you hop to your feet on the board. "You're basically a natural."

You try to hide your laugh but it comes out as a snort anyway as you narrow your eyes at her.

"Am not. I told you, it's like snow on the beach."

She shakes her head, grin still plastered on her face, "but believe it or not... it really does snow on the beach in some places."

You snicker, "maybe I should learn there."

She laughs, "just try it again! You'll get better."

So you repeat the process again: sitting on the board, laying down, then jumping up. And again. And again. And - guess what? - again.

Once you're not shaky on the board Ellie smiles and picks it up, "ready to actually try?"

"Waste of time if I don't try after all that," you snort.

"See? Now you get it."

You laugh and walk towards the water beside Ellie, swinging your arms by your side.

She wades through the water, looking back to see if you've run off yet or not every so often. Once she decides you're both in far enough she pulls the board across the surface of the water to you.

She helps you swing a leg over and onto the board, the back of it dipping a little. She scoots you forward, hand on your lower back, before she hops on after you.

"Comfy?" She asks, kicking her feet a little and sliding up so your back is pressed against her front.

"Oh, yeah," you nod sarcastically, "could take a nap right here."

She scoffs, "I hope you drown."

"Is that any way to talk to a friend?" You ask incredulously, feigning offense and surprise.

"I wouldn't play so innocent, babe." She says, and the sarcastic tone is there, though you still can't help but to inwardly squeal and kick your feet at the pet name.

The banter broke with your pause and Ellie began to talk about how waves work and the different parts of them.

You, however, were mostly only paying attention to the way the veins and tendons in her hands, that rested on your knees, flexed as she spoke. Your eyes traced her hands, from white knuckles to the tips of her long fingers, it was like you couldn't tear your eyes away from them.

"You good?" She asks, one of her hands tapping your upper arm.

"Yeah! All good," you lie, cheeks flushing with heat. "Just... watching the water," you mumble.

She doesn't seem to entirely buy it, but she shrugs it off anyway as a small wave begins to flow in your direction.

"Let's just ride this one out so you can get a feel of it," she suggests, kicking her feet and twisting the board so you both are facing the shore.

Your eyes scan the sand, searching for any forms of life. It's pretty dark now, you think, everyone's gone home for lunch. We're alone.

The wave softly brings the board forward all the way up to where you started.

"Not too bad?" Ellie questions, and you can feel her warm gaze on the back of your head. "No snow on the beach yet?"

You shake your head, laughing, "not yet, but the night isn't over yet either."

She laughs and little wisps of her hair tickle your temples as she leans just *that much* closer to push the surfboard back out into open water.

•••

"How 'bout this one?" Ellie asks, eyes roaming past you to the horizon, the wave standing proud as it pummels towards you.

In the hours that came after your first wave, you'd managed to flip your position so you were facing Ellie. You completely forgot about actually trying to surf, only riding out every small wave that came from nearby boats.

"Oh, yeah. How are..."

"I'll just hop off," she shrugs.

You pause for a second too long because Ellie is sliding off the board and pulling your leg to get you to flip around on the board.

"Remember; lay down then hop up, kay?" She presses her hand on your thigh, giving you a reassuring squeeze before backing away and treading the water a few feet away from you.

You inhale shakily, wondering if it was too late to back out.

The wave comes quickly, and you twist the board with it, quickly finding Ellie's eyes as you turn.

"Now!" She cheers, motioning for you to stand.

You put your hands flat on the board and nervously walk your feet to the center of the board. You stand shakily, legs half bent and arms held out to try and help your balance.

"Wait- Ellie!" You shout, watching the water crash down around your board as the wave pushes you towards the shore. "How do I get off-"

You slip back, losing one of your feet as you try to balance yourself again on the board. Before you can process what's happening, the world is spinning from view and you are splashing through the water, thousands of little bubbles clouding your vision before you close your eyes.

You surface quickly, coughing a little from the sudden water intake, but Ellie swims up beside you, pulling her surfboard to your chest so you can rest against it.

"That was great!" She laughs, "I forgot to tell you that you'd fall but-"

"I hate you." You say sharply.

"Fun though?" One of her brows raises in curiosity and you can't bite back the smile that's slowly forming.

"A little," you pinch your words and Ellie grins.

"Wanna go in? It's getting pretty dark. Sharks like to come out at-"

You make a face, "get me out."

Ellie laughs and holds the board as you push it down and sit on it again. The newfound, strong, waves push you back to shore quickly and within minutes you're shaking out your sandy towel and wrapping it around yourself. You dry off and cover your swimsuit with a sheer coverup, sliding on some sandals and putting your book in your tote bag.

"That was... surprisingly the best day I've had so far this summer," you say softly as Ellie walks you back to your car, the leash of her surfboard dragging on the ground between the two of you.

She smiles and glances at you quickly before looking back down at the ground, "was it the surfing or..."

"Not entirely."

She bites the corner of her lip before looking back up at you, "wanna do something else, then? Together?"

"Got anywhere in mind?"

"Town's pretty full of tourists right now but... I know a few places-"

You point out your car in the lot, leading her down one of the aisles. You reach the car quickly, opening the trunk to throw in your dirty towel before turning back to Ellie. You hold the strap of your tote bag with both hands, like a little kid, as you skim Ellie's figure once again.

"That'd be great. You have your phone on you?"

She mutters some random answer before patting her wet and empty pockets.

"That's okay," you pull a pen out of your tote, "I don't have any paper though-"

"That's fine- um, here," she holds her hand out towards you and you wrap your hand around her wrist, beginning to write out your phone number on her forearm.

"Let me know?"

Her cheeks are pink as she nods, eyes reflecting the soft moonlight as she stares at you with the biggest star-eyes you'd probably ever seen. On the water, Ellie was some macho man, confident in herself and all that she put into the world; but off the water, Ellie looked like a scared little girl who had no idea what was going on ever.

"Thank you," you start, "for the lesson and lunch."

She smiles, breaking eye contact and looking at your feet before looking back up and beginning, "anytime. Seriously, if you ever want to go out again you can text me. I don't mind taking you out, I'll just have to bring another surfboard."

You laugh before opening your arms and pulling Ellie into a hug. As you pull back you kiss her cheek, squeezing her shoulders.

"Oh, of course, I'm never taking anyone else to the beach again."

She nods and laughs, almost choking on air as you pull away and towards your car. You get in and wait for Ellie to walk to her car before pulling off and driving into the road, heart pounding.

You turn the radio up, hoping to distract you from your myriad of thoughts for just a moment. The song is halfway through, but you recognize the song almost immediately.

I can't speak afraid to jinx it

I don't even dare to wish it

But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet

Now I'm all for you like Janet

Can this be a real thing, can it?

Are we falling like snow at the beach?

Weird but fuckin' beautiful

Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful

You wanting me tonight, feels impossible

But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around

Like snow on the beach

a/n 2: if ur reading this i hope u enjoyed 🫶🏻🫶🏻 lmk if there's any typos. inbox is always open. love u all😚😚

#ellie williams x reader #the last of us #tlou #tlou x reader #ellie williams #ellie the last of us

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despite-everything · 3 days ago

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play rich is so fun.

i work serving really rich people, but just got off work and played a fun little game. i work near this fancy eyewear boutique that i knew had frames from my all-time favorite brand (that's too expensive for me to justify buying from), but had never gone in until now. my work schedule changed and i just got off - it's snowing outside so i decided to pop in the (tiny) shop at which point i spotted my dream sunglasses.

i asked about them, and the two shop workers were absolutely fabulous. they really knew what they were talking about and we had a great conversation about japanese eyewear, the company, the details, leather, luxury upcharges, damascus steel... just an interesting conversation sparked by the sunglasses. they offered to order any pair i like in any color i like from that brand (small, employing a small number of well-compensated craftsmen, i dig their ethos as a company) with no obligation of purchase for free.

i am most interested in a color way they didn't have in the shop, but i asked for a quote with prescription lenses. they said their optician would be able to answer once she had my prescription, but she was not in today and i didn't have a copy of my prescription handy. so they gave me her card and told me to send an email. and then they showed me some more cool frames from the brand, we kept talking, and i had such a nice time.

i told them i'd reach out and would let them know if i'd like them to order a pair to try in the palladium i like, but that the frames are currently backordered, so they'd need to talk to the company to get an estimate on when they would be available. i thanked them and left, and now i'm just so happy. when i say expensive i mean that i think the base price is like $700 before a prescription. maybe $1000. but i love them and tbh if i ever do decide to be a bit financially irresponsible, i'd get them from that shop for sure.

i have some friends who encouraged me to get those lenses before, and while they're both much older than me and really successful and i value their perspectives (major role models and tbh goals for me. so grateful for them), they have Money. i don't lol. but they also came to town and we actually met up last night so it kinda feels like a sign...

and i want to say that i'll get the sunglasses if i get this job i'm deciding to apply for... i'm underqualified, but they posted the job a month ago, then relisted it like 2 weeks ago. and i do have education and experience, but less than they're looking for. plus i don't have as many community connections here because i literally moved a month ago, but i'm very dedicated to forming them (with or without the dream job). but my friends from last night think it's worth a shot?? but they also don't know my full situation so like... idk. but many people have now suggested i apply anyway, so i think i will? anyway. i'm afraid i've now jinxed it. debating deleting this whole bit, but i've now articulated the thought, so is it too late now? i think i can get with the concept of something like that being possible. i've been reading a lot on relational quantum physics lately. and i'm high on the train. regardless, if i got that job, i would get a massive pay bump. my income would literally triple. and it's the role i want in the career i want in the location i want. so of course i don't want to get my hopes up. but if i get that job... maybe i'll get the sunglasses as a reward.

regardless, those glasses are well outside my economic class. almost everything im wearing is second hand, i feel like i look a bit of a mess because id gotten 2 hours of sleep before a really long day at work, and my umbrella and bag are clearly old and beat up. and the neighborhood is one of the most expensive in nyc... i just work there. so i was honestly worried about the staff being dismissive or rude (this has happened to me before. i work in service and know how annoying customers can be, but i also have dealt with judgement in rich spaces before) but they were so kind and knowledgeable. it obviously helped that i know about leather and steel craftsmanship, so we had common interests, but i still felt like they were genuinely interested in speaking with me and not just doing it out of obligation to their jobs.

idk i just felt like in order to make that work i had to fake the confidence of someone who "belonged there" and act like money wasnt an object. and maybe i didn't, but it still felt necessary. but its fun when it works (despite my physical appearance) and opens up another world.

or maybe they were just nice.

#i havent posted a long stream of conciousess in a while #and my bestie recently said theyve missed them #sooo this ones for you babe #it took me so long to type i took the express train all the way home #tree talks

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olderthannetfic · 1 year ago

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https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/730572795212398592/what-is-up-with-all-the-trans-men-on-this-hellsite?source=share

As a trans man, I might have some insight into this one. I'm a lot older than the standard uwu sparkle anti, but I was in my mid twenties for the first wave of weirdness about trans boys on Tumblr about a decade ago, so I was just too old for it then, and I saw a lot of guys my age and a little younger get swept up in it.

OTNF rightly points out that young trans men are a particularily vulnerable demographic. This is part of it, but we're also a demographic that doesn't sit comfortably with our identites (gender identities or otherwise) and are told by everyone (on every side) that we are Doing It Wrong, that our existence harms others, and that we must be this specific way to be good people.

I'm sure you've seen the "trans men are better than real cis men" rhetoric. It's meant to be inclusive and to reassure us that we're not bad people just because of our gender, but it also denies us our entire gender identity.

So basically, you've got a bunch of young guys, most of whom were socialised like girls and learned to never be too assertive, many of whom are straight up suffering from dysphoria and stress, being told by people both within and outside of their communities that the are Wrong and Bad and Harmful just for existing. It makes sense that a lot of them would would find a movement based on moral posturing that will accept them if they perform correctly and will use their real name and pronouns. That's what Antis are; they say "use this vocabulary, send hate mail to that person, put these terms in your DNI, don't be caught reading that story", and, unlike other groups that police people's tastes and performance that hard, they're not overtly hostile to trans identities. So you can spout the right rhetoric, use the right tumblr icon, and they will actually accept you (on the surface, for a time, but we're talking about young and desperate people who aren't looking at the long game).

Helping them harass those badwrong horrible NOTP shippers or aces or middle aged women or some random artist who got caught drawing the wrong age gap or whoever is the fashionable target will prove that you aren't a horrible monster for being a man, you're moral and upright and correct.

And yes a lot of it is internalised misandry (that word has a lot of dumb baggage, but how else can I describe a boy who hates himself for being a boy?), or self-loathing born of dysphoria and just plain having to live in a world that's hostile to trans people.

Being an anti is a way out. It's a way to manufacture acceptence. And they're too young and too hurt to realise that that acceptance is as temporary and hostile as the people who accept them only if they pretend to be girls; the antis will turn on them the moment they start acting a little too manly or if they're caught liking the wrong ship.

(I've seen something similar happen to young cis queer guys and trans girls, too, but it isn't as pronounced since being raised as a boy means you probably already learned that standing up for yourself is ok sometimes)

I'm sure it also doesn't help that tumblr is absolutely full of BL/slash fandom. There's certainly plenty of gender diversity in these spaces, but it's inescapable that the majority of participants are women. So for a young, insecure guy trying to assert that he is a guy, it's easy to fall prey to "Waaaah, I need to reclaim my hobby for me!" gatekeepy nonsense.

Sure, it's going to be turned on nbs even harder than on cis women and will be used to misgender other trans men in the end and misogyny isn't cool anyway, but that's not what your average traumatized young fool is thinking when they first join up. They're thinking "I hurt."

TBH, though, probably the largest component is that all of us—all of us—have a mental image of a default human for a given context. It's rarely a trans man. And so anything a trans man does stands out and is A Thing Trans Men Do.

This is true even if you are trans. It is true even if you are not a transphobic dickhead. Unlearning the 'why girls are bad at math' xkcd strip is extraordinarily hard because recognizing patterns and having mental defaults is just how human brains work.

There are shittons of cis women who become antis, but they're just not notable in the same way.

Are trans men more vulnerable to becoming antis? It's possible, and the reasons you outlined above are likely why. I think it's an interesting question to discuss if we are specifically discussing why the trans men who do become antis do so.

But we don't actually have any hard facts to support that they are more prone to it than anybody else. My guess would be that vulnerable people are more likely to become antis, so any cis woman with a strong source of vulnerability like a shittastic home life is similarly vulnerable to a young trans man with no support network, but who knows.

Maybe only 5% of trans men on tumblr are antis and 50% of cis women. Maybe it's 90% of trans men and 20% of cis women. Maybe it's 1% and 1% and they're just all very loud.

We have no data. We just don't know.

And we will never be able to trust our own brains on this until trans vs. cis is such a nonissue that we don't even notice it.

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studentbyday · 9 months ago

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oops! i did it again. lessons from this school year...

Hey, you remember that post I made about my winter term priorities? HAHAHAHAHahaha ha ha. That plan totally went to shit, but it's all part of the journey, right? 😅 (Tbh, it's quite difficult to make a conscious effort to change yourself when the default response to being and feeling busy is to go on autopilot -> all the unconscious habits, even if unhealthy, take control, and bc it's unconscious, you don't realize it until it gets quite bad! anyway! no more! my future plans make it so this will be impossible to do while still retaining some sense of sanity. so to prep, we're gonna slowly implement little changes so hopefully it's not so overwhelming that i give up)

🧘🏻‍♀️ comparing mindsets in fall and winter term

Fall term was not that bad bc I had 2 STEM subjects I really really loved and was interested in (biochem and mol bio 💕), and despite their difficulty, that love and interest and the feeling that "I am in the right field for me" kept me positive. There were times I thought I would feel burnout symptoms if I wasn't careful, but I really think that positivity protected me from the worst of it.

Winter term, however...I had one favorite subject: moral philosophy, which led to me wistfully dreaming about an AU in which I double majored in philosophy and piano performance, lol. After the highs of biochem and mol bio and the natural ease with which the bits of info flowed together in those subjects, I did not enjoy pharmacology or the 2nd half of psyc as much -> loss of interest -> negativity and feeling like I'm in the wrong field bc how dare I not like pharmacology (or psychology) as much as the other life science-y subjects when it's really so important for us to survive and thrive! 😅 I mean, there were times I could get that spark from pharmacology or psyc, but it wasn't often enough or intense enough to keep me consistently inspired throughout the semester. The feeling of "maybe I don't have what it takes and I'm in the wrong field" was compounded by the re-realization that there's sm to know of bioinformatics and I struggle to know any of it! Persevering is important, but it's harder to persevere with a negative mindset.

😤 what went wrong this school year and what i learned from it

I still struggle with perfectionism (and bc of it, procrastination). While it might not be as bad as it was in high school, I still spent too long on assignments that weren't worth much and during finals season, was so scared of getting less than 90% just to keep up my A+ streak. Like, I'm pretty sure no one who cares to know your GPA cares about whether you have an A+ streak or not. I have too high a threshold for what is a "disappointing" grade. I also struggle with deep regret about how I haven't mastered everything they throw at us in each course... definitely an unrealistic expectation, especially as the proportion of new info to absorb increases with each course. I did what I could using what I knew to do, so it is what it is. I may find ways to make improvements and learn more, but I won't beat myself up for not having known to do those things in the past.

Did not use effective study methods. Since first year, my problem has been keeping up with the readings and my solution has been to just use typed outline notes. It worked for the first few years when it was mostly review from previous courses with a few new concepts in between. But as I progress through my degree, the proportion of completely new info is increasing. This notetaking method won't work anymore bc it just causes cognitive overload, especially during exam season (when I've mostly forgotten the details of everything that isn't smth I've already known for years). E.g. for pharmacology, I got so bogged down by the details of all the drug classes that I didn't see the big picture and so didn't organize the info according to it. This made it hard to see patterns and better chunk the info. I was so stressed during finals season bc of this (and the sheer amount of notes that I had to read for psyc 😭). What makes it feel like even more of a problem is that the cognitive overload problem from my notetaking method has been a thing for all other uni courses thus far, it's just that pharmacology was the first time I needed to create a stronger connecting thread between the otherwise disparate pieces of info (drug classes). In all other courses, that thread was part of the nature of the topic being studied so I eventually understood it as I kept going and mentally re-organized it in my brain...but even then it was hodge-podge and so my depth of mastery was and is so flimsy, and every semester I leave feeling drained and like I wasted the opportunity to maximize my learning. (How dramatic I get about this is also probably tied to my perfectionism, but I still think it would greatly benefit future me to change my notetaking style.)

🎓 advice for future me

Look at the academic calendar, specifically the faculty course descriptions. Look at how many hours they say you should expect to spend on each activity in the course. Try to use those learning hours as a guide for your schedule so that you don't spend too long on an item that isn't worth much. If there isn't such a breakdown, assume one based on whatever they give you or other courses and adjust from there.

Be a more efficient reader by skimming the text first so you can map the flow of info in a way that best creates ease of understanding/synthesis/memory (e.g. via an outline, tree diagram, flowchart, mind map, or simple drawings - and noticing when a list/outline will NOT be helpful bc it'll just be too overwhelming and not easy to compare/contrast info and see patterns). I knowww you've survived thus far without doing it this way and done well, BUT with this many courses, the increasing complexity of each subject, and the overload of info in each, you WILL need to do this to make quicker work of the readings, save you sooo much stress during exam seasons, and improve how much you learn while in school which is the real goal you've wanted to achieve all this time. Don't repeat the mistake you made in pharmacology. And it really doesn't have to be aesthetic and you definitely should NOT get caught up with it if you really wanna learn. You could just use one color for everything and a highlighter and just basic shapes/lines - that alone can be way more effective than boring paragraphs/lists or a colorful, overly complex diagram that'll just distract you from the main point.

Create a realistic daily routine (wake-up and sleep times, start and end times for schoolwork) and be strict about following it. Set your non-negotiables for personal goals to keep up with alongside your schoolwork bc academics aren't everything. Remember how you regretted not devoting more time to extra-curriculars and other skills in high school which would've rounded you out as a person. You can try theming the parts of the day so that you don't have to think about what task you should do first after study breaks and keep up the momentum (e.g. mornings for readings and notes, afternoons for active recall/homework). Then you can live the rest of the day after school as structured or unstructured as you wish. If this strategy doesn't work for you, you don't have to use it.

Take advantage of interleaving so you don't get bored. Whether by following the theming strategy or just switching subjects every hour, idc if you aren't done yet, you better switch bc the second consecutive hour of the same thing is never as effective as the first.

#studyblr #studyspo #study motivation #becoming that girl #pink aesthetic #study tips #study advice #personal post #100dop #100 days of productivity #stemblr #stem academia #stem student #100 days of studying #100 days of self discipline #perfectionism #study strategies #mental health #chaotic academia

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fountainpenguin · 3 months ago

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hey could you point me in the direction of which fic/chapter in the pixels au we learn about what happened to Taurtis? Like the escape from evo where Martyn’s flying across the void (I might be getting confused here tbh I’ve not got the greatest memory)

I LOVE your pixels imperfect au, all your characterisation and world building is INSANE pretty sure u changed my brain chemistry with some of it lol

alllllllll your writing is good and the regular updates are very fun it’s like a little treat every week, what’s happening in this update I read it like the news it’s that good

anyway have a good day I appreciate your ficus very much

Thank you so much! I'm very flattered that you like my work.

I try hard to update weekly, and sometimes I wonder if people do read my things when they come out [since they're long] or if they wait a while (I have visibility of hits turned off on AO3, so I don't know when hits go up), and it's cool to hear that it's a nice treat for you, wherever in the world you may be :) Posting on certain days is a nice way to get through the weeks for me.

I've been very surprised by the warm reception to "Chalaza" (since it's about body horror and is an odd combo of characters, with "Bdubs teaching Martyn how to be a phantom hybrid" as a main relationship). I'm really happy people enjoy it. It's been one of my secret favorite WIPs for a long time.

I haven't watched EVO beyond like, Grian's last two episodes, so my knowledge of Taurtis comes from Build Swap and Yandere High. Because of that, he's mentioned in my work (He's the third roommate between him, Grian, and DomRao), but he doesn't have any major plot points. He's a turtle hybrid!

Like Grian, Taurtis has a lot of trauma from his life in the Sakura Valley hub (YHS era), as Pixels Imperfect AU takes it pretty seriously despite it being roleplay. I don't think he put out much Evo SMP content, so if he stopped posting before the timeframe Grian disappeared, the lore for him is that he stopped participating in the on-server project and was doing things in the EVO hub, like studying. It was a school, after all!

He was presumably one of the crew Martyn rescued, but I don't plan to go into it. If I did post a line somewhere that implies Taurtis left EVO at a different time, feel free to let me know and I'll take a look!

I don't plan for the people Martyn rescued to play a large role in "Chalaza" as it's a pretty short 'fic with a focus on Martyn struggling to get along with the other phantom hybrids (So he's often up at the clock tower and not on the ground), but if I find a place for Taurtis, I'll put him in.

Just to clarify, I don't have a 'fic where we see Martyn springing people out of EVO- You're not missing it because there isn't one. This is what I do have:

"Reheat" - Dog's Life Chapter 25 - Martyn shares some of his past with Cleo, specifically about the escape. "Wire Boys" - One and a Half Birds Chapter 9 - Martyn shares his past with Mumbo. "Chalaza" - Multichapter 'fic about Martyn recovering from his flight through the Void. Herobrine's Guide to the Between Dimension - Chapter 12 includes a brief description of how and why the East Verdant Oasis (EVO) hub was built.

If people are super interested, I'll consider writing a piece about the escape from EVO, but "action-packed chase or escape scenes" are a bit tricky for me, so I tend to avoid them, haha.

I've thought about writing one, but I think that to get the full "punch" of the escape, I'd have to write a whole 'fic about their life in the EVO hub that ends with the escape, and I don't really want to do that; it would be a lot of POVs to watch and a lot of chapters to write. I enjoy EVO haunting the narrative... It makes it mysterious and lets everyone put their headcanons in.

Thanks for reaching out! I love knowing people out there enjoy my updates :)

#AO3 #Pixels Imperfect #Martyn InTheLittleWood #trafficfic #trafficblr #Taurtis #Chalaza #ridwriting #mcyt #Ahasbands #(Save me Ahasbands)#Dog's Life #One and a Half Birds #asks #weirddreamsandfish #Nice words #blood

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hatredmadeofgold · 9 months ago

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I'm a terrible person with words, but here I go. (using a translator, my English is a little shit when it comes to writing and a little bit when it comes to pronunciation, ha!)

I would like to say with ALL my heart that I love your work and the writing in "Sing to Me", my heartbeat even accelerates when I remember the existence of this work of art and how wonderful the sensation was, the euphoric feeling of read each chapter and see all the care and dedication put into it. I have immense affection for Raiden, Sam (and Monsoon :)). Seeing how complex they are in the story brings me immense satisfaction, and I just wish all the positive recognition for you, it's impeccable.

(There's a lot I'd like to express, like my hyperfocus- but hey, I'm a terrible person at showing appreciation and affection, I hope you got the message anyway :))

hugs and kisses from a Brazilian! 🇧🇷❤

Oi, não se preocupa! Não sou falante nativo, mas entendi muito bem. Da próxima vez, você pode me escrever em pt-br (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

Thank you so much!! I am really happy to know that you enjoy my work 💕 Honestly, every time someone tells me that they enjoy Sing to Me so much, I am getting really happy. This fic means a lot to me and gives me lots of strength and stability, although on the outside it might look that I am not doing much for it for the past year (I do, it's just background work that I can't show T_T massive spoilers and so on). But I mean, I kept saying that each time somebody came to my inbox about it for the last months.

And I am so glad to know that you're feeling like this for each chapter you've read so far! This fic in itself is really complex and long, I could give you a rough estimate of around ~100 Chapters for the main story (Those would be just arc 1-3, the series, however, has 6 arcs in total excluding the 2 AUs). Sooo... let me say, you've got a lot to look forward to, I suppose :3

Also I hope that you'll be curious about the revisions too. Chapter 5 and 6 will have a darker tone than their current version that is on AO3 at the moment, but also will be much better in quality. Chapter 6 will have major changes I think, especially the second halve of it. I am all giddy and excited myself whenever I think about all the plans I have for this story. The drama, the comedy, the (bitter-) sweetness, but also the chaos, the pain and the darker parts of this fic. I wish I could go on a ramble but it's so many spoilers lmao And I don't want to take that away from my readers. If anything, I might drop a few essays about Raiden and Sam that I've got on my to-do list at some point, that in some cases will directly tie to Sing to Me as well.

The series also goes in great detail about Sam's past and who he is as a person because I was a bit dissatisfied with how most fics for this pairing at least that I've read didn't come up with much for his past (but I still liked all of them regardless), hence I went a little bit insane about him. To the point that Sam is technically my OC now (according to my beta reader) lmao

Jsyk, this is my current graph view of my Obsidian vault for Sing to Me and all the dots that connect to him:

My vault is an absolute mess still tbh because the program is a bit overwhelming when you don't know where to start, so this is far from how complex this fic actually even is.

What I can tell you pretty much spoiler free is that the series is complex because timeline wise, it starts in the year of 2001 and ends (technically) in the year of 2026. I say technically because ARC3.5: The War in Heaven goes a bit crazy with science fiction elements and time is... let's say, "relative". The main fic spans from 2019 until 2023 btw.

The prequel (ARC0: I Come with Knives) is entirely about Sam's past, from his POV entirely, and a collaboration with @thatthereneverwas since he originally requested me to write it. Basically adding more Sam lore that we definitely need :3

Please don't hesitate to come to my inbox or DMs if you want to chat about Sing to Me, samuraiden or just Sam or Raiden with me! I don't bite :] Monsoon is also my favourite from the Winds of Destruction aside from Sam, so I get you! I've been thinking of maybe including him in the fic as well, but it's uncertain how so yet, and if it will just be a flashback of some sort 🤔 But I take notes as I go, we'll see :3

Beijos pra você também 💞

#polastrieve #ask #samuraiden #Jetstream Sam #Raiden #MGR #my writing #Sing to Me

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margowritesthings · 2 years ago

Text

THE MEANING OF THE SCAR

a RDR2 x Black Badge crossover

pairing: N/A for this chapter, will eventually be Arthur Morgan x reader word count: 2650 words warnings: spoilers for RDR2 ending, violence, Micah Bell, explicit language, major character death and subsequent resurrection, brief mentions of domestic violence YOU DONT NEED TO HAVE READ THE BLACK BADGE TO UNDERSTAND THIS SERIES, EVERYTHING IS EXPLAINED DURING THE STORY authors note: What's that, you say? You want a RDR x Black Badge crossover?? No??? WELL IM DOIN IT ANYWAY

The series that no one asked for tbh. If you haven't heard of the Black Badge, it's a wonderful series of books by Rhett C Bruno and Jamie Castle, where the audiobooks are narrated by Roger Clarke. This series puts Arthur in the shoes of the protagonist, who is doomed to hunt the supernatural to pay off his karmic debts. The prologue explains it a little better, so sit back and enjoy! There will be romance, there will be monsters, what more could you ask for?

BLACK BADGE ORIGNAL SERIES

PROLOGUE

I have seen so many incredible things.

Living on the land for as long as I have, you tend to. I’ve camped under the most breathtaking sunrises, that big orange orb scattering unimaginable colours over our poor souls as it creeps over the horizon. I've seen nature at its finest: baby deer learning to walk, wolves running together in tight packs not unlike us outlaws, even saw a little chick hatching once. Beautiful women from all around batting their long lashes at me, not even all of them because I was a prospective customer. I’ve been a lucky man, to have experienced so many sights.

Never did I think that the last thing I saw living on this Earth would be Micah Bell’s goddamn ugly mug.

The barrel of his gun was shaking in his tight grip, and I used the absolute last of my strength to keep my head up and look right down it.

“You’re not better than me, Morgan.”

Never claimed to be, but if I had more time, I might have argued it, the rat. But that was the thing… I didn’t have more time. I could tell, the simple act of breathing was becoming just too much. I might have gotten a few more days, if Micah hadn’t just knocked the seven bells of shit out of me and the last few days had been a little calmer, but such is life. Such is death, I should say.

After a wheezed cough was pushed out of me, I still managed to get one last jab in, as laboured and choked out as it was,

“Whatever you say, you fool.”

Everything hurt, and I could hear the clock ticking my final seconds out as Micah’s finger trembled on the trigger. He was mad, I could see the fury spreading across his face as he registered what I was choosing to do with my final words.

Maybe it was supposed to be the time for prayers, the time to have my life flash before my eyes while I count my regrets and mourn the things that will never happen, but there’d been enough of that ever since that doc told me my days were numbered. I hadn’t lived a good life, I wasn’t a good man, but I got some peace knowing my final hours were spent getting Marston and his family out safe, making sure Milton didn’t, and insulting the gang’s little pet rodent. If I had any regrets in that moment, they would only be that I didn’t manage any more permanent damage to Micah’s ugly ass mug before he got me. Actually, I might’ve wanted to die at dawn, to see one last sunrise, but mostly the Micah thing.

“Damn you…” he spat, the glow of the moon casting the most horrendous shadows from his twisted expression.

“Damn us both!”

And that was it.

A shot,

and it was all over.

No sunrise, no grand redemption in the last few minutes of my damned life…

Just me, the moon, and goddamned Micah Bell.

═══════☆═══════

I never expected I’d get into Heaven, but I never thought it’d be so goddamn dark down here in Hell.

I stirred as if waking up from a fitful sleep filled with nightmares involving Micah shooting me in the face, and even though my eyelids flew open, there was no light to speak of. There was a crushing weight on my chest, and a burning behind my right eye. What felt like dirt fell into my face with each little movement, and suddenly it all fit together, forming a terrifying reality of my predicament.

It wasn’t a dream. Micah fuckin’ Bell had shot me. Tuberculosis ran ragged through my veins and filled my lungs, I’d been captured, hung in an O’Driscoll camp and tortured for information, hell, I’d been shipped off to goddamn Guarma with nothing but the shirt of my back… and in the end the sorry sight to end my story was a rat with a revolver.

The dirt fell in my eyes relentlessly, so much so I had to close them again. It wasn’t like they were being much use anyway, what with me being buried alive and all. Moving my limbs was hard, but not impossible, I found, giving me hope that I wasn’t too far down in the ground. I never thought I’d hope for a shallow grave, but then again I couldn’t have predicted waking up in one either. None of it made much sense, but I reckoned it’d probably be best if I got back out into open air before figuring out why I couldn’t feel my toes, why breathing felt so strange and unnecessary, or how I’d survived a gunshot to the head.

I started with small movements, flexing my numbed fingers in and out until there was enough room to ball them into fists. I would have shouted for help, if I could, but I knew all I’ll get from it is a mouthful of dirt. I’d have to do this alone, it would seem.

The movement spread from fists to arms, the dirt starting to mould around me until it didn’t feel so crushing anymore, and I was soon clawing upwards. I dared to squint one eye open, finding small holes of light poked through the blanket of nothingness like stars. I felt triumphant when I reached upwards into open air, but it was short lived when I failed to feel the wind or the breeze or the sun or anything to let me know this wasn’t all some death dream.

I pressed on, scraping at the skies until big patches of the Earth fell apart around my body and I could pull myself out of my grave. The sun beat so brightly that I couldn’t help but continue to squint, trying to make out my surroundings. It was dawn, ironically. I always assumed Hell’s skies would hold a lot more fire in them, but the blue hues and yellow rays were anything but hellish. They were beautiful, a sight I was sure I’d never see again.

After my eyes adjusted, I made out the tombstone standing above my grave, a handcrafted wooden cross with my name scratched into the centre. Folk aren’t usually lucky enough (or unlucky enough, I hadn’t yet decided) to see their own graves, and yet here I was. Why? Was this truly Hell, looking over the sunrise while I was damned to sit by my own grave and wait for no-one to mourn me?

‘Blessed Are Those Who Mourn, For They Will Be Comforted’

It was my epitaph, carved into the circle surrounding my name. I hoped it was true. I didn’t know how long I’d been buried, but I didn’t want anyone sitting around crying over me. I hoped I’d done enough, in those last few hours, and that the ones I loved, whoever was left of them, anyway, made it out okay.

I pushed myself up out of the grave, dusting off the mud that clung to me and standing straight despite the complaints of my aching back. I looked over the hill, over what looked an awful lot like Ambarino.

“Beautiful, ain’t it? I tell you, that friend of yours picked a good spot. Shame you’ll get no rest here.”

I froze, my spine straightening on instinct as the voice behind me confirmed that I was in fact in Hell. Even after looking Death in the face and calling him a fool, it still took me a moment to turn and face my father.

I expected anger to course through my veins, for my fists to ball and fury to burn over my skin the first time I saw him after all these years, but it didn’t. I looked my Daddy straight in his cold, dead eyes, and nodded to him. He did the same.

“Pa?”

“Fraid so.”

I was almost too dumbfounded to realise what he was sitting on. Who he was sitting on, I should say. Boadicea stood as tall and as beautiful as that last day we spent together in Blackwater. The sight could have taken my breath away, if I had any.

I wanted to step closer, to pat my girl on the neck and feel to make sure she was really there, but I wasn’t ready to move just yet.

“What… What the hells goin’ on?”

Daddy dearest chuckled, probably at my ironic choice of wording, and Boadicea stomped a foot on the ground. Despite everything, all I wanted to do was to get Lyle Morgan off my horse, but there’d be time for it.

“You’re dead, son. Nasty shot to the head, though you put up a good fight.” He said it like he was recounting the most mundane story ever told, not breaking the news that his only son had died. I considered his words, finding a strange peace with them all.

“...This Hell?” It had to be, right? There’s no other way he could be here, not with the way he treated me and Ma. I dreaded to think what Boadicea could have done to deserve an afterlife with him, but it made more sense than both of us fools being let into the pearly gates upstairs everyone always goes on about.

Pa chuckled again, clearly finding my demise much more casual news than I, “To some, but not in the way you’re thinkin’ of it. I’ve got some bad news, boy.”

“Worse than my death?” It was annoying me, how elusive and blasé he was being about everything, dragging this out for longer than he needed while holding the cards right up close to his chest. He knew what was going on, and yet there he was, sitting on Boadicea like he owned whatever goddamn realm we were in. Surely this was Hell, having this conversation with the man who beat me into who I am today. Who I was, before karma caught up with me and shot me in the face.

“Depends on how much you were lookin’ forward to it.”

My teeth ground together as the frustration at his evasiveness built. He must’ve sensed it, as he dismounted Boadicea and patted her on the neck. It threw me more than it should, watching the man I’d left long behind me interacting with my beloved Boa.

He stood just as tall as the day I watched him hang, the only difference being a nasty scar that wound around his neck and made me dread to think what I might look like. It was like looking at a ghost. Well, I guess I was looking at a ghost.

“You’re still here, Arthur. On Earth. Seems you did just enough good there in the end that they didn’t know what to do with you. Too bad to make it to the upstairs, too good to burn in Hell… for now.”

“Earth? But… I’m… we’re-“

“Dead? Yeah. But you’re stuck here, doin’ their bidding.”

He was running his fingers over Boadicea’s mane, and she shook her head in response. She seemed like she wanted his hands off her as much as I did, but I had to find out what was going on first.

“Bidding? Who’s bidding? Can you just be straight with me for one damn minute-“

“Patience, boy.” He snapped, bringing out one of Boadicea’s signature annoyed huffs, “The White Throne’s bidding. You’re theirs now. You do as they say, or you end up in a far worse position than you’re in now.”

I felt like I needed to sit down, but unless I was going to climb back in that grave, there was nowhere to rest.

“I… I don’t understand.”

Lyle sighed, turning fully towards me and hooking his thumbs in his belt loops.

“The White Throne have chosen you to be a Black Badge, Arthur. You’re not alive, nor are you fully dead. You work for them until they decide they’re done with you, and then…”

“And then?”

“Well… I ain’t sure, truth be told, boy. I never got as far as you, I’m just here to pass the message on.”

None of it made any sense, and I had no idea who this White Throne was. Dad didn’t seem to have the answers, nor did he seem inclined to give them to me even if he did. It was then I noticed that my heart should be pounding out of my chest. Instead, it felt hollow, the anxiety of my situation bouncing around an empty can of nothing.

So this was really happening…

“They’ll call on you when they need you with this,” he turned, rummaging through Boadicea’s saddle bag and handing me a journal. It looked exactly like the one I gave to Marston just before I died, the one I collected my thoughts and sketches in, only when I flicked through the pages, they were all blank.

“Keep an eye on it, it’ll tell you what you need to do, who to look for, or where to go.”

“What am I, a goddamn undead bounty hunter?”

He laughed, a proper hearty laugh that would’ve made my skin crawl had I not been so occupied with the confusion of it all.

“You could say that. But you’re not just after anyone, they’ll send you off to the supernatural stuff. Vampires, werewolves, demons, that sort. You’ll get the hang of it.”

I was so stuck on the whole supernatural thing that I hardly noticed him step towards me, slapping a hand onto my shoulder. I froze, but not because my father had touched me for the first time in decades, but because I couldn’t feel a damn thing.

He must’ve seen the shock on my face, cause his brows pulled together in a pitiful look, “Ah, yeah… there’s some side effects to death, son. But I’m sure you’ll figure that one out.”

‘Side effects’ was a light way of putting it. I’d later find out that we unlucky few in the Black Badge have a fair few impediments. I can’t feel. Not the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the touch of another, not even the burn of a good whiskey. I don’t feel pain, which can be helpful at times I guess. I can’t taste anything, either. It’s a unique punishment, to be stuck walking the earth but not really living, having no access to those simple pleasures in life like a stiff drink or the touch of a pretty lady. If I’d have known what was waiting for me at the end of all this, well… maybe I’d have made some different choices.

“It’s a lot to take in, I know.”

I glanced to my shoulder, finding Dad’s hand still there. He must’ve sensed my discomfort, removing his touch- or lack thereof- from me.

“You’ll get the hang of it, son.”

If I weren’t so preoccupied with my new lot in life (or death, I should say), now would have been the perfect time to confront the man who stood beside me. Ask him why he did what he did, get some answers for every question my teenage self tortured himself with while he wandered the streets for somewhere to stay for the night. But when I turned, he was gone, without a single trace to suggest he was ever there in the first place. Seems I’d gotten all the information out of him I was entitled to.

That left me and Boadicea, standing beside an empty grave I wasn’t sure anyone would have visited anyway.

I sighed, finally stepping towards her and patting her neck in that spot she always loved.

“Well girl, guess this is it for a while…”

I looked down to the journal in my hand, just in time to see inky black writing appear on the page as if bleeding through the realms.

‘Welcome to the Black Badge, Arthur Morgan.’

#arthur morgan #rdr2 #arthur morgan imagine #arthur morgan rdr2 #rdr2 fanfic #rdr2 fanfiction #red dead redepmtion 2 #black badge #roger clarke #tmots

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brucewaynehater101 · 6 months ago

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Legally (or by the government procedure) had to answer late to not show I was stalking u (I was stalking u, I got hecka paid) nyway yeah it's worth 50 tbh anything is worth 50. Stalking u? Bet 50.

And I don't sleep. Sleep is for chumps. Sleep is for the weak. I am neither. I am a god. Everytime I don't watch u I lose 50. Has to be for 45 mins + to get the 50, and boy do I sure get the 8400. If I'm good I get an extra 50. Like a little treat. Oh god. The government is my owner. Oh god. Me, a mighty omnipotent god has become the government's pet. I am ashamed.

Thanks for the energy drink offer, but I thrive off of souls so I just suck the soul from Khyle the government officer in charge of me. He has like, 12 soul. I take it.

The government is interested cause ur takes are too good 👁👁 they say ur too big brained 👁👁 we must watch 👁👁 and we have a psychic her name is Shalome and she knows what u think. She says hi.

Noted on the yet. I like your ideas tho, funny man (gender neutral). I will cover for you as long as possible when you murder someone. If you do stupid shit like leave thumb prints tho ngl it's a deserved moment and I ain't coverin shit

I keep dog. I always keep dog. No sharing dog. Mine.

Aren't we all, in some form or another, pets to the bourgeoisie? Unwilling clogs in the capitalist machine? No need to be ashamed ^^

Can Khyle read souls? Since he has 12 of them, perhaps he's become an expert?

I am flattered (?) that the government thinks I have big brain. I probably won't overthrow the US government with it, but at least you're getting paid.

Hmm... unless there's another reason besides threat that the government is watching me.

Entertainment? Not sure that's true.

Assessment before they kidnap me and force me to work for them? More probable.

Tell Shalome I say hi back 👋 Also, major apologizes for the wild shit that goes through my brain. I've got no control over that

And thanks for the offer of help. Obviously I'd do shit like wear gloves, burn my clothes, and go specifically to a city known for their lower rate of cases solved. Hopefully, I won't need to enact any contingency plans for a long time

Also, doggo is mine. She'll just whine at you until you return her anyways, lmao

#thank you for the ask!!!!

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williamaltman · 1 year ago

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So, I just finished Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Well I'm not crying right now which is disappointing, but I was sobbing yesterday and had to stop and go to sleep so now I just read the last 3% of it.

For context, I had watched the movie a little while ago, because I saw it being talked about on twitter a bit, and tbh I thought it was pretty meh? But I was curious and I saw so many people saying the book was so much better or, just so great in general so I decided to read it.

And wow did it not disappoint!!! I knew the major plot points but I didn't mind it at all. It was so easy to read, to get into Ari's head, to feel like we're a part of their friendship ourselves.

I love me some good amount of characters just reflecting about themselves and about their life, and well, clearly this has a lot of that. I always wanted to just keep going, to continue living with them, I don't know how to explain.

I'm so in love with like, everyone in this. These parents are probably the best parents in the history of YA stories lol. Dante is the perfect little manic pixie dream girl to fall in love with, but he's so believable and vulnerable, yet also strong at the same time. His feelings about his heritage is one of the things that keep him more grounded (and I kinda like that Ari isn't the one dealing with that). Ari in his teenage angst and existential dread was so easy to relate to. I felt for him at every turn, even when I was slightly annoyed. I actually can relate to so many things about him even if I don't think our personalities are actually that close: Having such a nice intimate relationship with my mom, not really knowing how to talk to and get to really know my dad, having those girls at school who bother you all the time and are kinda your friends. And well, being bored and depressed and not having many friends, if that counts. I also broke a leg a few years ago, so even the parts related to the accident...

I thought it was great that the book wasn't just about romance, both in how it's more about friendship at first, and in how it has so much else going on in Ari's life and his family and everything. Not because I don't want all the romance, but just because it feels so much like we're actually in Ari's life, getting to deal with everything that is going on with him and around him.

I thought the way Dante's sexuality was handled was very interesting. I like that they make it pretty clear that he's gay, even without saying the word. I like that he just says it to Ari, because in so many stories it's like a shared discovery between the two characters, and when it's not then one is already out when they meet. I always end up empathizing more with the character that's in that position, so I got protective (...don't even get me startes on what he goes through) and also just so... I don't know how to say but it's Interesting to have Ari's pov as the "straight friend" (who wr know it's actually not lol) during that.

Despite this being a romance, it has also sadly reminded me of my old best friend from school, who I just haven't kept in touch with. The way we just clicked, despite my reluctance to open up at first. I'm sad that we didn't get even closer and continued being friends after it. Mostly by my own fault.

Anyway out of this tangent, I don't think there's a single thing about this that I didn't love. The moment that really got me towards the end was when Ari's dad talks about the accident. "I think you love him more than you can bear". Witj the way Ari is clearly so against talking about it because he knows deep down that it's the proof of his love...

I think if I had read the book, I would have liked the movie more, just for seeing the book play out on screen. I thought the actors were pretty good and I imagined them reading. But it just doesn't quite stand on its own as a film. It needed like 30 more minutes or so, and like I've seen someone say, a book with so much inner monologue it's probably hard to adapt.

Either way, I'm so fucking glad that there's a second book!!! I'm so excited for it. I can't wait to just, see all their parents' reaction at their relationship. I am wondering how different is it gonna be in tone with them being together now? How are things gonna be handled in general? I'm so eager to find out.

#aristotle and dante #aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe #aridante #aristotle mendoza #dante quintana #books #reading

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angevinyaoiz · 11 months ago

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saw Dune 2 (2une?), and since I don't have my dune blog anymore I'll post here, since blah blah this is my place for posting about Dynastic Weirdos. This is long but NO MAJOR SPOILERS, except about like, small detail things that aren't plot things but whatever

Tbh it was disappointing. It had all the correct elements to be liked but one thing grated on me the whole time...the Bad Dialogue and lack of Elevated Speech! Why the hell were all these characters saying stuff like "these guys" "we're ok" and "literally" it took me out of the fantastical world sOOO bad. Super bummer because what I loved about Dune 1 (D-uno?) As someone who went into it before reading or knowing anything was how much it didn't explain, how it let the visuals and the world unfold before you, and how serious and somber it was in a way that gave it a sense of scale and time.

I can only wonder if WB saw all the complaints and tweets about people being like "we didn't understand the first movie!!! It wasn't funny and quippy!!!" And decided to simplify it down so characters just SAY things really obviously and inelegantly. The writing has some competence in moving the story forward but there's no poetry or rhythm to the way characters say things, it's serving "Rings of Power" scriptwriting to me lmao. And it's not like any of the actors are bad? I've seen them do well in the previous movie and in other things, so wtf was going on with the direction. I know people complained Abt Villeneuve saying that whole thing about being more into visuals than dialogue but maybe he was right...there needed to be LESS WORDS. bc much of the words we had were NOT GOOD.

Positivity: the middle and latter part was where the movie picked up for me. The Harkonnen Freak Villain behavior was everything I could have wanted! Finally instead of EXPLAINING everything obviously we got to see a LOT of character building, for Feyd specifically in a very short amount of time. I know a lot of us complained about Bald Feyd-Rautha but Mr Elvis did a very good job. And we got Madame Fenring and weird scifi femdomming finally, which is Essential for the Duniverse! Wonderful fantastic no notes.

Of course, getting back to our heroes, I anticipated this 2 years ago sadly and it was true...the Fremen were badass but SWAGLESS. More Learned ppl have already written about the frustration with the erasure of the Arabic/North African cultural presence so I won't reiterate that here since I'm not super knowledgeable about the specifics of that but even as a casual watcher there was a weird emptiness to the way I feel the society was portrayed. There were individual good character moments, such as fun bantering among the Fedaykin etc, but for Pacing or Whatever they cut out the community aspects that served to make them feel more like well, a People rather than just either Grizzled Soldiers/ Religious Fundamentalists aka Marks/Panicked refugees. I have to guess this was ppl were like "we can't show a culture too cool and colorful and the part with Harrah (Jamis' widow) would feel too ORIENTALIST!!! But the result is something sadly very dry. At least in more older orientalist works, the interest comes from when the ~exotic~ stereotypes figures are able to have charming personalities and personalities and be known as people despite the cliches sometimes but this sadly wasn't even like that....

Jamis' funeral is a good example of this; in the Book, it's a moment where you first get a good look of what rituals are like in this world, and how people relate to each other and to the dead. In the movie, the funeral is looks more foreign and even a little creepy as the water is extracted from the body. There's not really a Personal or community connection aspect to it at all.

The ending was pretty good as it satisfied all the Cool Dune Moments I think we all wanted to see, and also did literally the end of The Godfather Part 1 Framing which was hee hee heh. Anyways, Messiah is MY favorite book of the series personally so curious how they get to that.

Maybe I've been too spoiled by Cool Historical Fiction lately? I've been watching too much of The Devil's Crown where action happens mostly off screen but the dynastic drama is written and acted so compellingly, the historical mindset and setting so alien and yet so human and relatable, it's frustrating to see when works try to do the opposite? Idk??? Dune books themselves is fun in how action is mostly an "offscreen, offstage"' thing.

*if ANYONE in the Universe is a quippy Bastard, it should be Leto II esp in God Emperor where he literally has nothing to do all day but quip all day to terrified acolytes

#Dune 2 #dune part 2 #dune 2024 #2une #Long post #My writing #Not really spoilers in this?

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kajiimotojiiro · 4 months ago

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Who are your favorite and least favorite FKMT characters?

Oh man. Okay. The thing is I love like all of the characters so far (with one major exception) so this is going to be long and probably annoying BUT I have nothing better to do than ramble so.

FIRST OF ALL. Kazuya.... my boy.... I just think he's so fucking intriguing. If he wasn't a gambler I'm sure he'd be that freak cave diving and skydiving and riding a motorcycle 200 mph in the dark with no helmet on just to try and feel something besides immense boredom. He was doomed from the moment he was born. While some authors are literally typing "this is research for writing I promise" in google so they don't get flagged as someone dangerous he's straight up just torturing people for reference. I love the way he speaks. I think he's incredibly endearing despite. Gestures. His everything. I'm actually at a standstill in reading the manga bc I keep just rereading his first chapter he appears in and grinning like an idiot. Anyway. I'm very normal about his crazy ass.

Of course I also adore Kaiji. Who doesn't??? Like. See hims face. He's so cute. He's so hopeless. Living embodiment of the dumbest fucking choices possible. Anxiety gijinka. Sweats more than the entire cast of top gun. The only thing that beats out his obsession to gamble endlessly is his obsession with helping EVERYONE ALL THE TIME TO HIS OWN DETRIMENT. Despite everything he can't help but be kind and determined and I just. Man. Adrenaline junkie who is addicted to his own panic attacks. I love him so much. I cry if I think about him too much.

ENDOU. MAN. I need him to go batshit feral in a Teiai meeting like full nothings gonna stop me now paul Kaye style. He deserves it. As a treat. The entire series is basically his fault so the fact that he keeps ending up in trouble throughout it makes me laugh like bro. Every single time you get involved with Kaiji everything goes to hell for you WHEN WILL YOU LEARN. But also don't ever learn bc I will be sad if he disappears from the manga. Where is his spinoff fkmt. Where is it. And can it just be him in his downtime reviewing restaurants.

Tonegawa!!!! I miss him. Biggest style glow up in the manga tbh. Sure yeah he is an ass and doesn't really see any of the gamblers as people but. I love him anyway. He did NOT deserve what he got. It wasn't even his fault his opponent was batshit insane. I need him back. Please please please please please.

Okay this is already forever long let's have honorable mentions. Ishida - He's so cute and I feel so bad and I cheered when Kaiji punched his idiot son for bitching about him. I hope he was unconscious before he hit the ground. Sahara - Possibly actually the most insane guy in the series. Bro WHY did you wanna be in a death game so badly. Definitely had the young guy mindset of invincibility. "You smell different" Sir WHAT are you fucking TALKING about. He on x games motherfucker. Uhhhh. No okay I'm cutting myself off bc like. I have a lot of feelings.

I lied one more - Mikoko. She deserves sooooo much better than Kaiji I'm sorry yeah everyone loves him but he's kinda just a dweeb. I hope we see more of her actually.

As for least favourites.... Sakazaki is like. He's okay. He's kinda pathetic as all hell but he pulled through in the bog arc. But whenever he starts talking about Mikoko it kinda skeeves me out. I don't think he's doing anything weird or wrong or whatever I'm just like sir why are you imagining your daughter pregnant. That's uncomfortable I don't like it. Otherwise he's okay. He's just kinda there.

OTHERWISE THERES ONLY ONE RAT BASTARD IN THE ENTIRE SERIES I HATE (sorry this ended up being only about Kaiji - you see, it's the only fkmt work I've really interacted with. Otherwise I'm p sure Washizu would have been up there in my faves.) But. Like. Kazutaka just fucking sucks. And believe me, I've loved some shit tier villains before, but he's just. He's not even fun to hate, he's just _there_. "I want more money" OK then like. Get into counterfeiting or SOMETHING that's more interesting than just slobbering all over the screen when you show up. I just can't think of a single enjoyable character trait. Tantrum throwing piss baby who just likes being cruel to be cruel. And again, like, it can totally be done well! He's just fucking 1 note and boring. To me he adds nothing. He's a placeholder when more interesting opponents aren't around. Keel over already shithead.

#i am sorry this is so long i definitely could have written more #but #im cutting myself off.#also ftr none of this is system shit this is entirely based on what i know of canon

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neonmetro · 1 month ago

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Gosh, the novaturi brainrot....RAHHHHHHH

I have a few questions regarding the big post that hit me like a bomb LMAO, so please don't mind if this ask gets a little lengthy

I would first like to ask about Conquest ( ugh again, paris Anon ? ) Anyways, regarding how you get your magical girl abilities, what makes Almagros' ability in a way violent ? Having to use other people's ( or otherwise ) body parts, organs, etc, as I know previously said about Conquest, they don't really seem like the super violent type if that makes sense ? I would also like to know the same for Death, not only where her ability stems from but also possibly a little more detail to what her power is like, I take great interest in Moris' ability LMAO

I would also like to ask about yuri....👀I am very intrigued about her....I think the power she has is super cute but also really funny as if I got a power based on things I feared I would want a refund fr 😭🙏🏽🙏🏽 poor girl, sending her the best of luck on that 😞😞😞

Next I would like to ask about peneume....I've been so brainrotted with them I fear, it's so dire. For one, I love their design so much 😭🩷🩷🩷 it's very satisfying to look it....the darker colors look awesome on them !!! So I would just like a little info on them if you can provide some. Though if I may, I would specifically like to ask about Peneume's leg. It's so pretty and quite honestly, really cool, I think I fear my love for Peneume is growing hrgdhdhdhdhrh

I ALSO WOULD LIKE TO ASK ABOUT ABADDON. I've been wanting to ask about them for such a long time, and I've just kept forgetting ??? Which is wild because, quite honestly, I've been thinking about them a lot as well as Peneume 😭😭 I for one would love to see their weapon in action....it would be so interesting to see how they would use it ( I love characters with unconventional weapons which a lot of project martyr have ) I golly.....I really like that ribbon piece around their neck.............it almost reminds me of something.............ANYWAYS there was never really any questions for abaddon i just really wanted to appreciate them 💔💔

This is gonna shift more about the corp heads for a little bit, but more so, just comments, I think. JUNIUS. *micro phone voice*. Lowkey, if Junius was based on those two myths, I would DIE I love those myths so much it's quite dire actually......I would also like to talk about Beowulf....a shoutout to this guy fr because if my girl died I fear I would NOT be walking around jolly, especially not in the city of Novaturient 😭😭😭 and I fear the people I work with would make me crash out so for that he is STRONG........and then I would just like to appreciate Veraswamy...just uh **Veraswamy**. Hey man, this guy is honestly so fluffy I can't help but talk about him. I saw this bunny video of a grey floppy ear bunny knocking over its cage wall and it fell on top of the bunny, and it just laid there defeated. That's literally him. I would like to know, though, will Veraswamy play any role or major role in THUTKE ? Thank you for listening to my corphead rambling 😞🙏🏽

I think the last thing I want to talk about is Maki, I'm not sure if I mentioned them before because I quite literally have the memory of an 85yo woman, but whatevs... I've been meaning to ask about them for a while but it always kept slipping my mind.......their design is just so cute I love it so much...sorry, this is mainly character based 😞😞

I would like to get a little personal, though, so feel free not to read this part, but if you do, then thanks tbh......okay get really close..........I would love to say that you should definitely be proud of Novaturient. You've put so much effort and dedication into it, I would also like to say that in a way, I love that your characters can always be somewhat relatable, which I think is awesome. And I feel like I part of that comes from you putting a little peice of yourself into every single one, and tbh I admire that. I think it takes a lot to take the worst parts of yourself and reflect that back to your character. In a way, I think that's like accepting those small pieces of yourself and moving forward with it. And I congratulate you on that. You are able to make these characters feel real. You are able to make me sympathize with these characters and understand their view. You make these characters so human, which is why I love all of them so much. Sometimes, I see pieces of me in these characters, which honestly makes me love these characters even more. I want you to know that this is something to be proud of. You're doing great neon 🩷🩷🩷

-Paris anon

oooo the novaturi brainrot ooooo beams it into your brain....

NO THAT IS SO FAIR that last post was a monster of a text, i could probably rewrite the epic of gilgamesh w/ how long my textposts answering asks are

no you're right !! conquest and death aren't inherently violent people, they just believe themselves to be, and that self perception is manifested in their powers

conquest's parents were dying right in front of him getting burned alive and he had to run away to survive, but eventually living on the streets and homeless shelters and eventually enosichthon corp. just kinda led him to believe the only way to survive is through violence and taking what you want (he still doesn't do this though if he can help it, the mindset just hardened his heart)

death's parents and to-be-born baby brother died in a car crash and they were the only survivor and they were looped into a day job with a shitty garden store owner who happened to grave robbed on the side and used mori as a scapegoat and she later got into a car crash while trying to get her driver's license, killing her driving instructor as well

basically her entire life is kind of a nightmare and surrounded by death and she's eventually come to believe she herself is a omen of death

YURI IS LIKE NOVATURIENT'S JERMA985. SHE IS LITERALLY A FAILGIRL 24/7 AND IS SCREAMING AND YELLING ALL THE TIME. she doesn't have a hopkins, she just has her entire twitch chat bullying her. but she is gay girlfriending with her girlfriend aya

they're a ghost buster exterminator duo, yuri exorcises ghost + bug like vagabonds entirely, but if she's unable to do so, aya comes in and collects the weakened vagabonds who she can recruit them and use them to hunt other ghosts (think suguru geto from jjk. she's also meant to be more blue than pink but i only had a pink marker on me...)

thank you sm!!!!! they went through a major redesign (they were originally more yellow than blue) and honestly they are serving so hard now 💅💅💅 peneume the silly... its so funny actually kae also really likes them i'm so sorry to you both that they're dead by the time machina mortem starts

i love their leg design. ass to draw but just sooo cool to look at... honestly there's not too much about their leg... i'm thinking maybe they had a accident where they were near the site of a vagabond attack and needed to get it amputated and were lucky enough to get a prosthetic. aishire is just an asshole who likes making things as accurate to the original

prosthetics are kind of meant to be appealing/cool looking (war is the only one atm that has a designed prosthetic but theirs is also very overly designed on purpose), novaturi absolutely has a toxic beauty standard and no one is allowed to look remotely ugly or they're bullied relentlessly/pressured until they get plastic surgery or do something to change themselves. however, this doesn't apply if you're a magical girl who got their body modifications from fighting for novaturi (yayy hypocrisy)

HELPPP THAT'S KINDA REAL TBH.... worry not i appreciate your appreciation... and i'll ramble a little about them...

abaddon is so silly !!!! (they have seen unspeakable horrors and are forever a different person for it.) honestly they are so unserious sometimes i fucking love writing them

hmm i would say their collar is kinda like a corset kinda ? idk i just thought they needed some more flair with accessories.... they just look so good though... their chains are really fun too! they use it a lot, but just not for fighting, usually whenever they want to grab something across the room or tying someone up (they tie up like half of the cast of projmar before killing them with their bare hands i don't know what else to say)

they're like the dead eyed third wheel of genesis and reficul during the project part of projmar except genesis isn't even there anymore reficul just compares abaddon to genesis all the time and abaddon is just like "i need to kill this guy now"

however just like genesis, aishire hates the manager of the souls department for some fucking reason and has abaddon stay overtime when everyone has gone home, drags them into a vacuum room with a BLACK HOLE and forces abaddon to go inside of there. well ! they sure ! did not die ! basically as abaddon was about to get sucked into the black hole, aishire deactivated it and essentially used that incident as a death threat

HEHE CORPHEADS I CHEERED!!

JUNIUS WILL PROBABLY HAVE THE WORST ASPECTS OF HERACLES AND WILL MOSTLY BE BASED OFF OF BELLEROPHON... like. murdering his whole family. and trying to prove himself worthy to others. (yippee...)

i'll have to update tags/old posts w/ his deadname but beowulf is now orpheus bes :) he'll most likely be just referred to bes

bes is actually slowly working towards reviving eurydice, it hasn't happened yet. that's why he's still so jolly

he's both working for the money to make the technology to bring them back from the dead and working to refine the primordial silt to be able to revive the dead

as they say god gives their silliest soldiers their toughest battles (bes is not coming out of the same, man.)

veraswamy will have a role in THUTKE! he's kind of the friendship equivalent of a wingman for aishire and is always there to support her :) even when she fucks up :) and kills every single friend veraswamy has :) (kiiiind of like jecka from class of '09...? sorry i am so class of '09 brained)

OH !!! maki is a lawyer with paladin corp :D (i drew her as circe and uly's divorce lawyer bc i liked the witch association...) IKR I LOVE HER DESIGNNNN its so cutes

allow me to be a bit cringe and more free than i already am…

CRYING SOBBING AUGHGGHGHGGH 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭😭😭 WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL I AM TO HEAR THIS… WAGGHGHHHHHGHG!!! I’M SO GLAD I’M ABLE TO MAKE ALL MY CHARACTERS AT LEAST A LITTLE RELATABLE…. it’s very important to me that my characters are extremely flawed yet you can understand why they are so flawed, character writing is absolutely my favorite part, making everything line up and their motivations clear and how their history has shaped them as people…

I really do love making characters fully fleshed out, rather than just one dimensional or single note, (it does bite me in the ass writing wise, but at least it forces me to make everyone an actual character…) i feel like it adds so much more to the world/story if you can at least understand everyone’s motivations, and have you at least think for a couple of seconds before placing blame or scrutinizing them

i really do think making every character batshit crazy insane helps me accept those worst parts tbh… this project has helped me through so many tough times and i’m glad it able to touch the hearts of more people, not just me or my friends…

Aughghgh i’m really happy to hear you love them so and even better sympathize with them 😭😭 it makes me feel really fulfilled… thank you paris anon for your kind words!!!!!

#oc #ask #neon tedtalks #novaturient #neon's sketchbook #yuri #aya #four horsemen #four horsemen of the apocalypse #peneume #reficul #genesis #abaddon #project martyr #corpheads #veraswamy #junius #bes #thank yew again paris anon... sorry it took me a bit to answer this i was drawing pieces for this !!

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sharpth1ng · 1 year ago

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I really like your idea on em both being rich kids lol, very interesting bc to me personally Billy is actually pretty poor. idk I mean I know we don’t see Tatum’s house or Randy’s either but the fact we never see a single thing about Billy’s sounds odd to me. Vs Tatum who has her own car and Randy with his odd collection of colorful (probably expensive) shoes.

there’s also the fact he’s on his dad’s income only who, from the real brief looks we got at him and the fact he slept with the town’s most likely ‘wellknown’ prostitute if that makes any sense, feels like some sleazy, struggling lawyer type.

I know in lore or whatever (wiki page lol) his dad is described as a powerful Woodsboro lawyer but considering this is the same lore that has Billy getting someone pregnant and can’t even decide the ages of the main cast I’m looking at in-movie evidence instead.

the only thing that kinda tips it to him being richer imo is the mobile phone he drops, or more precisely his dad’s phone - but even then it’s again his dad’s and not his own one. his dad who likely would need it as a work expense, but can’t afford to buy his son one and doesn’t care to.

anyway that’s my entire crackpot theory (I have even more but I wanted to spare your ask box from this already long thing) just to say that I really like your take on him being richer too

Hey thanks! My own personal theory dump below:

I've seen a lot of takes with poorer Billy. Tbh I think based on what we see in the movie it can go either way, we just don't really have the info. Also, not to nitpick, but we do see Tatums house, that's where Sid sleeps over after Billy gets arrested and there's also a breakfast scene there in the morning.

To me, Randy is actually probably the least wealthy member of the group, he's the only one that we know has a job, and the shoe brands (mostly hush puppies) he's wearing mostly wouldn't have been super expensive.

In my opinion we don't see much of Billy's home life because we don't see much of the real Billy at all until the reveal at the end. We only see as much of Stu's as we do because the finale takes place in his house, and imo more of Billy's home life would have made him more obvious. I have to imagine his room is full of horror merch lmao.

Honestly I don't really read Hank the same way as you do though. Maureen isn't a prostitute (not that theres anything wrong with sex work), she's a housewife with an extremely wealthy husband (aside from Stu's house Sid's seems like the biggest), so I don't really feel like the affair says anything about relative wealth.

In terms of the lore, tbh I don't actually think it's totally out of character for Billy to get a random girl pregnant. I chose not to do this in Debaser because I've decided to not make Sam canon in my own work, but I could totally see him deciding he needed to "practice" with some girl before Sid. I think he probably hooked up with her at a party, had a mediocre time, and never spoke to her again because he's an asshole. Not at all joking this seems fully in character for me.

My personal hc is that Nancy was a housewife, so Hank would have been carrying the family on a single income anyways. Even if we assume that she was working before and they lost that income, then they would have only been on a lower income for a little over a year, so I don't really see that as the makings of a poor Billy.

Also, we know from scream 2 that Nancy had enough money to get major plastic surgeries (enough that she was unrecognizable to Sid) and also paid for Mickey's tuition, so that's going to be hundreds of thousands of dollars. On top of that she's not working during the events of scream 2, she's doing the fake reporter thing. Based on that Nancy Loomis is either a rich girl by birth, someone who had an extremely high paying job before, or she got a lot of money in the divorce, which would require Hank to have had a lot of money to give.

In terms of the cell phone thing- cells weren't super common for teens to have in the 90's, as far as I can tell one of the first movies that shows teens having cell phones is clueless, which came out in 1995, so it doesn't necessarily say much to me that Billy doesn't have his own in the movie.

In terms of Hank, when we see him he's wearing a nice suit, it's up to date with trends in 96', meaning he's got enough money to be staying up to date with his wardrobe and suits aren't cheap. Other wardrobe hints include Billy's white shirt being Calvin Klein, not a cheap brand for a plain white shirt. If Billy is less wealthy he's more likely to be wearing Hanes. At the very least I, a relatively poor person, am buying the cheapest white shirts I can. I get that shit in a five pack from walmart, I don't have the expendable income to spend over 50$ for a single shirt.

All of this is to say that at least for me it doesn't make a lot of sense for Billy to be poor, especially with what we know about his mom in movie 2. But thats not why I chose to make him rich.

Why Sharp chose to make Billy a rich kid:

So i've seen a number of takes where Billy is poor and Hank is extremely abusive, and that was something I wanted to avoid. In some cases this can feel to me like the poverty and physical abuse is meant to explain his behaviour and that feels a little oversimplified. I specifically chose to make Hank neglectful, judgmental and argumentative (emotionally abusive) but not physically abusive. It doesn't always take more than that to fuck someone up, and I also wanted Billy's rage to come from somewhere else, to be a little less obviously justified. His life isn't easy, but he still has privilege.

In terms of the wealth issue, Billy's character reads more as an entitled rich kid to me. He's out of touch with the emotional stakes of the things he's doing and beyond that he's got the time and energy to plan and carry out a murder spree like this.

I personally chose to write Billy as someone who doesn't experience a lot of consequences for his actions because his dad can pay them away, which he does because Billy has an effect on his professional image as a lawyer. This was particularly important for my trans Billy storyline, because the money would be necessary both to access black market hormones (would have been near impossible to get them prescribed at the time) and also because Hank would have needed to bribe the cops and the hospital to keep quiet so Billy wouldn't be outed.

Aside from that though I just think the rich boy no consequences thing plays well into how unafraid he is about what he's doing and how casually he does it. All of this is just my take though! There are lots of ways to read the movie and I made character choices about him so that they fit into the narrative I'm crafting, doesn't need to work for anyone else.

I always enjoy chatting movie theories!

#rich Billy #scream theories #debaser fanfic #ask

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