#And more than just John’s tragic friend

[thewalrusespublicist]

"Tbh I was starting to feel a bit down about my blog and what I was putting out ( the eternal crisis on how to give full answers and opinions without being stupid, boring and annoying lol)"

OMG no way! Your blog is one of the best here! What i love the most is reading the analysis and meta from the users, there's always more information and good takes, and yours are always quite deep and insightful.

I would love if you share your opinions about Stuart as well. I feel like he is obviously more sanctified that he should be since he died young (like that insane quote from his mom saying that Brian told her that Stuart could have been the Beatles' manager, no way lol) and i feel his memory has been used to attack Paul, sometimes in a very unfair way. Like, i don't deny the teenage drama and jealousy that Paul felt about him but he *was* a shitty bass player and the band was Paul's future, he was allowed to criticized him not only for being John's new bestie. I also think John played with them both but i lack of your eloquence so i will love to read your take about it.

Hi anon! And the other anons!

Thank you again and to all the other messages I got, they were extremely sweet and really made my day. :)

From my inbox, it's clear you guys want to know about Stu and his role in the Beatles legacy. Well you asked for it and a novel you shall have. Be warned this might be the longest post I've done so grab like a drink or something.

A few disclaimers: I wish and had intended for this to be more of a deep dive into Stu as a whole person rather than just his relationship with John and Paul. Unfortunately I just didn't have the space to do it. If you want to know more about Stu I would highly recommend @eppysboys' blog which is the source for all things Stu Sutcliffe and where I got a lot of this info. Please check their stuff out. Also, I'm going to be a bit blunter on this than maybe I usually am because this topic has been irritating me for some time. Oh also I’m trying my best to answer a lot of asks in one post so please forgive if I don’t fully answer your specific ask about this!

Stu in a perfect world should be a fandom darling: an exciting cipher, a handsome artistic talent that died way too soon who had a major influence in the early Beatles style. It's like there’s this secret other James Dean looking mf Beatle hidden away to uncover, that's cool and he is cool! The problem is that he’s sort of becomes radioactive to talk about in a normal way due to how he's been portrayed and utilised in some biographies and fandom spaces, particularly those that have been infected by John Lennon aspirational boy bestie syndrome. As those types of spaces cannot seem to exist without tearing down Paul to prop John up as their special lil guy, Stu as John's other best friend has become the ideal heavy object to hit Paul McCartney over the head with. It's like a corrosive element, the minute Stu hits a Beatles bio, the biographer suddenly loses all training in objectivity and source work and starts waxing lyrical about 100 percent reliable never biased or wrong Saint Stu of Hamburg who died for our condom arson sins and that Paul McCartney should feel bad about every day of his life for not worshipping Stu and not accepting his own ‘place’ in life as John's just-some-guy placeholder best friend. I’ve personally seen so many posts and forums where Stu being mentioned leads to a legion of comments about how Paul could never have been Stu (correct both ways) and how John would never have even glanced at Paul for much longer if Stu had been alive. Sidenote: If you seriously think that the musical savant from down the road whom John went on to produce the most prolific song writing partnership in history with couldnt have kept his attention for long then I'm begging you on hands and knees to get your head out of the arse of your John Lennon body pillow and be serious. But anyway…

This boy bestie battle royale approach has in turn lead to a reflex reaction where Stu gets studiously ignored by other sections of the fandom as a precedent has been set that shining a light on him diminishes Paul and John's relationship with Paul. It's frustrating because if people weren't so keen to cut Paul out of his own story then we would get a much better nuanced view of every single person involved.

So let's put aside all of our defenses, cut the John Lennon loved one ranking system bullshit and lets look at the actual question here which is what was John and Stu's relationship really like and what did he mean to John?

John and Stu met at art college a year or so after Paul and John met. Up to that point John and Paul had their fun little codependant thing going on but Stu quickly became a huge fixture in John's life. Stu had things that Paul couldn't really offer at that point in time. John was at his heart a musician who aspired to be seen as an artist (he would later express surprise that he didn't become an artist). Stu was the passionate artist who knew tons about the art of the period that could teach and inspire John. Their creative leanings meant they could work on projects together and share art notebooks and poetry. (Including yes the one with anti-semitic story which I mention again as I believe it's an important thing to remember when it comes to both John and Stu and the culture of the time.) Stuart by the sounds of it was even writing a novel about John at the time of his death. They were fascinated and inspired by each other.

So, creatively they fired each other up but more importantly perhaps, Stu and John were peers. It's funny to think about when you see the Beatles later but at the time Paul and George were the kids in their school uniform coming to see their cool older friend at art school. That's an important divide. When Paul and George's parents insisted their kids do their homework and go to bed, John and Stu could stay up and talk all hours of the night, which they did. They also could rent a place together and spend long hours chatting (despite John moving out later after realising electricity cost money lol.) There's a different dynamic that the age similarity offered as well. Whilst Paul would later somewhat grow into this role, Stu could act as an authority figure to John as well as open up to John in a way you can really only do with your peers. Stu was the person John opened up to throughout Stu's life:

How long can one go on writing and writing like you. I now don’t really know who I’m writing to or why it’s quiet peculiar. I usually write like this and forget about it but if I put it in a little part of my [almost?] secret self in the hands of someone miles away who will wonder what the hell is going on or just pass it off as toilet paper. Anyway I don’t care really what happens because when I think about it, it’s so bloody unimportant – but what is important who has the right to say that this letter is not important and this is a something any way – anyway – anyway – yeah! I wonder what it would be like to be a cretin or something. I bet it’s gear. & how are you keepin Stuart old chap are you as ok – is life as good – bad shite, great – wonderful as it was or is it just a thousand years of nothing and coolness on and on and on. I think this is it Goodbye Stu don’t write out of – er what is it? well not because you think you ought to write when you feel like So goodbye (from John you know the one with glasses) ANYWAY BYE BYE see you soon I don’t know why I said that I remember a time when everyone I loved hated me because I hated them so what so what so fucking what I remember a time when belly buttons were knee high when only shitting was dirty and everything else clean + beautiful I can’t remember anything without a sadness So deep that it hardly becomes known to me so deep that its tears leave me a spectator of my own STUPIDITY + so I go rambling on with a hey nonny nonny nonny no

Extract from a letter to Stuart Sutcliffe from John Lennon, 1961

By lots of accounts Stu was gentle but firm when it came to telling John he'd gone too far. John references this aspect of Stu to Hunter Davies:

"I looked up to Stu. I depended on him to tell me the truth. Stu would tell me if something was good and I'd believe him."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

In this way I kind of see Stu as a proto-Yoko. John was so insecure and uncertain about his grip on the world and reality that he relied on Stu to be his point of reference and guide. Paul did this too later and I think in Hunter Davies John mentions this, but not at this time period and not as much due to their competitiveness. This may be why some people saw Stu as the person that really understood John at this time period:

"During the turbulent adolescence that prefaced a turbulent manhood, hardly anyone knew Lennon as intimately as Stuart Sutcliffe. If they weren't exactly David and Jonathan, June Furlong, one of the life models at Liverpool's Regional College of Art, had "never seen two teenagers as close as those two."

The Gospel According To Lennon by Alan Clayson

Now this person likely never met John and Paul together but this is only one of many similar quotes and even Julia captain of John and Paul's friendship boat seems to agree there was a period where Stu dominated and Paul 'kept his distance' from the John-Cyn-Stu 'menage-a-trois'. But the friendship wasn't perfect and his position as John's ultimate best friend was never iron clad. This is best outlined by the shit they pulled when John convinced him to join on Bass for the Beatles.

Despite being John's best friend, Stu was teased and bullied:

"They argued as usual amongst themselves, but most of all they picked on Stu, the newest member of the group. John, George and Paul had been with each other long enough to know that rows and arguments and criticism didn't mean much. If it did, you just argued back. "We were terrible," says John. "We'd tell Stu he couldn't sit with us, or eat with us. We'd tell him to go away, and he did." At one hotel they stayed at, a variety show had just left. There had been a dwarf in the show and they found out which bed he had slept in and said that would have to be Stu's. They certainly weren't going to sleep in it. So Stu had to. "That was how he learned to be with us," says John. "It was all stupid, but that was what we were like."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

Why John encouraged this I have no idea, maybe jealousy over Stu's looks and wanting to play people off each other? Things were tense in both Scotland and Hamburg, especially between Stu and Paul. As I said in my last post, the girls were fighting and it was mutual. Paul was mad for both fair and immature teenage-boy reasons. Stu could not be bothered with the bass most of the time and couldn't really play well and was only there as he was '(John's) best friend' (ouch for Paul). Paul conversely had given up higher education to be there and was sending lots of money back home. He also was dating the girl Paul fancied. Stu was popular with the new group and also did mean things like help John steal Paul's money when money was really tight for him. Paul in turn was a passive aggressive, jealous and mean. It all came to ahead in the punch up onstage which according to Spitz came about from Paul wanting money back and saying that Stu could borrow some from Astrid. Stu goes for him and reports vary from full-on bust up to embarrassing scuffle. Stu then goes to where Astrid and Paul's gf Dot are, demands Dot leaves and goes on a rant about Paul. Now all of this must be framed in the context of Stu receiving increasing brain damage from his condition that seemingly lead to mood swings and anger. Nevertheless, the mutual needling and anger, as well as John's refusal to do/say fuck all about it, especially given how protective John was of Stu, suggests that it wasn’t straightforward and/or John may have been playing some games to make both feel threatened. This would also make sense as to why we hear conflicting accounts of John and Stu being the centre of everything and everyone else in orbit AND John and Paul being the centre and everyone else playing catch-up, as well as John giving Paul the lead to take him round the Reeperbahn when John got dressed in the gorilla costume. (I know Paul may have just been the closest there but that always gave off bestie behaviour to me.)

(I did get an ask about how John and Paul's friendship survived it, I think it was damaged by Hamburg. When Paul got back home he got a job at a construction site and there's just a vibe of everything being a bit on tenterhooks. John also acts a bit weird at the period, not talking to anyone for a few weeks then making a lot of weird demands from Paul. I'm really not sure what to make of it.)

Even when he's back in Liverpool, John still writes long letters to Stu and vice-versa. I can't find it at all but I’ve read a really sad interview with John saying he missed his best mate and it's a shame that he's not with them. He had no idea at that point that Stu had already died of a brain hemorrhage at 21.

John is said to have gone into hysterics when he found out Stu had died. A lot of people who've spoken about this time (Aunt Mimi, his sister Julia, the Exsis) concur that at this point Stu was his best friend and the death shattered him. He even told Astrid he wished he could give his life for Stu’s. This is backed up by the fact that John never forgot Stu and his shadow lingered for the rest of John's life:

Stu was recalled in In My Life

Years later, after John composed the first of his truly poignant and heartfelt Beatles songs, "In My Life"—with its lines about "friends I still can recall/some are dead and some are living"—he revealed to me that the two people he had had uppermost in mind were myself and Stuart Sutcliffe. And then he stunned me with a statement that I'd never heard him address to anyone—least of all to another man. "You know, Pete," he said softly, "I do love you. But," he quickly added, "I loved Stuart as well."

Weird that Paul isn't mentioned surely you think that he would be mentioned if Pete was there too okay, okay my tin hat is going away this isn't the time

Pete Shotton, Nicholas Schaffner, John Lennon: In My Life

In 1965 John drew Stu on a postcard

He apparently said this about Stu prior to sending the postcard, prompted by an article about Stuart.

The card had been sent from Genoa mid-way through the Beatles' Italian tour. [...] But the conversation had become maudlin when I reminded him that he was going to talk to me for an article about Stuart. [...] In that sad telephone conversation before they set off for Milan, I asked him if he was happy: 'I'd be a lot happier if Stuart was still part of us,' he said, 'The Beatles would be complete.' And before he rang off he said 'Ill send you something.'

He also appears on the cover of Sgt Pepper

As mentioned, Stu gets mentioned in Hunter Davies in terms of wistfulness and guilt AND he gets a mention in John's insane 'if I were a homosexual' ramblings in early 70s. According to Yoko, John also wanted Yoko to write letters to him and didn't think it would be strange because Stu wrote letters to him.

I have a pet theory that as with a lot of things for John, his unresolved grief over Stu really came to the fore in the late 60s now that he had actually had a chance to sit down and think about things. I believe it was partially why he wanted Yoko to write letters and why he gets mentioned in the early 70s as a collaborator/best friend and not in 1980 where John only gives that credit to Paul and Yoko. I think with the cracks with Paul, John had started to think back on his old friend and guide and what advice he would give.

Stuarts presence is still felt throughout the seventies:

“He told me everything. He loved to talk about Hamburg. There were no secrets. It was the kind of life I never knew…. It meant total freedom. At his side always was Stuart, sweet Stuart. There wasn’t a time in John’s life when he didn’t think about Stuart. He spoke always of his love and respect for Stuart.”

Yoko discussing Stu in When They Were Boys: The True Story of the Beatles’ Rise to the Top by Larry Kane

Coming to grips with his death is also present in Skywriting

SEAN O’HAIRE: What happened to Stuart Cliff? DR. FISCHY: What happened was a full exchange of energy where it was not needed within the expression of your own self or in the energies involved around and about you. We cannot call it a happening. We’ll say it is an awakening, for in that way it has served an expression from the past to the present and to the future to where there shall be more of that incomplete vibration expressed to you in a more fuller understanding.

Skywriting by Word of Mouth, John Lennon

This isn't exhaustive but I think from all this it's pretty clear that John adored Stu, John grieved Stu and kept grieving Stu. Stu had a specific place in his life as a confidant that he tried to recreate with Yoko. At the time of Stu's death, he was John's best friend, probably slightly over Paul. Stuart had been able to be both a friend and paternal presence, a confidant and an artistic collaborator. His presence and loss was one of the foundational points in John's life.

But as we've been asked to play this stupid game and so many bios like to make a hoopla about it, were they at their closest ever as close as John and Paul were at their height?

No.

How do we know? Because John told us so:

" He [Paul] still is the closest friend I've ever had, except for Yoko, so I'm still close to him whatever goes on."

John Lennon to an interviewer, 1971

But Walrus! John just says shit! How do we know he isn't leaving out Stu because the press don't know Stu. Well true John does just say shit but this is at a time where John isn't the most glowing about Paul and he's had no problem mentioning Stu in this time period ('one of my best friends ever' would have made a similar point).

But Walrus again! If John picked Stu over Paul when they were young why wouldn't he be the boy bestie of all time, and why would John say that he was closer to Paul? Well, because of the environment and timings. Stu's death happened near the beginning of John and Paul's major bonding moments. If you look at their personal timeline, Paris, the Nerk twins, and getting signed happened just before Stu died. That's missing the major years of Beatlemania, Key West, LSD, Paul growing more into being John's peer and a load of other huge moments in their lives. It's like how John writes to Cyn in 1962 about wanting the house to themselves and not have Paul around all the time. Would you say because he feels closer to Cyn then that John in his overall lifetime loved Cyn more than Paul? No, because relationships change over time and theirs were no exception. (One thing to consider as well is that we don't yet have many letters between John and Paul during their Beatles years and earlier, probably because they were spending so much time with each other. We know a couple exist that Paul considers too personal for publication but I'm sure there are others. It's easy to understand what John felt for Stu as we have the letters, I think we would also have an easier time understanding what John felt for Paul if we had the equivalent of those.)

At the end of the day Paul was the man he believed he had a psychic bond with, the man he couldn’t shut up about, the man whom he’d conquered the world with with their endless collaboration, the man with a twin personality to him and according to John spent more time with throughout the 60s than he had with Yoko ever. To be frank if Paul had died in 67' I don't think this would have been a conversation.

As mentioned early, in early 1970s John elevates his partnership with Stu to his collaborations with Paul and Yoko but by 1980 he’s pretty clear that Paul and Yoko are their own category.

"I was saying to somebody the other day, “There’s only two artists I’ve ever worked with for more than a one night stand, as it were. That’s Paul McCartney, and Yoko Ono.” And I think that’s a pretty damned good choice!!"

John Lennon interview with DJ Dave Sholin, 1980

There are of course the what ifs. Would Stu still being alive mean that John was not as close with Paul? Maybe, highly doubtful though as the Beatles experience was so intense. If Stu remained a Beatle would John be as close with Paul? If Stu remained a Beatle he wouldn't be Stu so no. At the same time who knows what it would have been like if Paul and John were peers from the off? I said this to @the62ndbugsfan when it comes to Stu vs Paul (hi girl sorry i've made our chat a whole ass post lol) but to go a bit Wuthering Heights, soulmates are made as much from the earth as they are of the stars. What binds us is our experiences just as much as our personalities. There may be a universe where Stu and John took on the art world together or became inseparable bffs again after the Beatles disbanded, but it is not our universe. In this universe Stu tragically died and John and Paul chose to become Lennon/McCartney and artistically unite themselves forever.

Even going back to Stu's lifetime, I've said it before and I'll say it again I find it interesting that not only did John choose to go to Paris with Paul rather than pay to meet up with Stu somewhere but that they arranged to meet up with Juergen and nobody told Stu until they'd already gone. Stu was shocked and didn't know if it meant the end of the Beatles which is a pretty big thing for him not to know about. Why didn't John tell him if they're apparently still writing long letters? Was it because he really wanted to do this with Paul and didn't want to hurt Stu's feelings? And that's really the point I want to make here. Due to his trauma John was preoccupied with reinforcing ranking of relationships within his life. But the thing is friendship rankings are made up guidelines and the reality is far more complicated. You can have a designated best friend but feel closer to another friend at times, you can want to do one thing specifically with one friend and not the other for various reasons. You can (as I do) have more than one equal best friend. Friendship as with most relationships are in a constant state of flux and each friendship you have will give and mean a different thing, even if they are of similar value to you.

Paul may have ended up closer to John than Stu had been, but that doesen't make John's relationship with Stu any less special. Nor does Stu negate the significance of Paul. Whilst both fit into John's pattern of intense relationships and demands related to that, both had unique positions and meaning to him. Considering what I've gone into about John's closeness to Stu, it actually says something deeply, borderline unnervingly, intense about John and Paul that Paul pipped Stu to the post. Maybe it's time Beatles bios accept the fact that John Lennon just wouldn't be into them like that, stop using a tragically prematurely deceased young man as a prop in their jealous psychological warfare against Paul McCartney, stop perpetuating one of the most damaging games that John did to his loved ones and allow both relationships the space to shine and showcase the amazing talent that was the Beatles and those that surrounded them.

[katakaluptastrophy]

Masterpost of TLT metas

This is mostly for my own reference, as tagging doesn't seem to guarantee something being findable on Tumblr...but if you like wildly overthinking lesbian necromancers in space, enjoy!

Overthinking the Fifth House:

What is a "Speaker to the Dead"?

Actually, Magnus Quinn isn't terrible at sword fighting

Imperial complicity: Abigail the First

Pyschopomp: Abigail Pent and Hecate

Did Teacher conspire with Cytherea to kill the Fifth?

What does the Fifth House actually do?

The Fourth and the Fifth can never just be family

Cytherea's political observations at the anniversary dinner

Abigail Pent's affect: ghosts and autism

Were the Fourth wards of the Fifth?

Abigail probably knew most of the scions as children

Magnus Quinn's very understandable anger

Fifth House necromancy is not neat and tidy

Are Abigail and Magnus an exception to the exploitative nature of cavaliership?

"Abigail Pent literally brought her husband and look where that got her" (the Fifth in TUG)

The Fifth's relationship dynamic

The Fifth's relationship is unconventional in a number of ways

The queer-coding of Abigail and Magnus' relationship

Abigail and Palamedes, and knowing in the River

Was Isaac the ward of the Fifth?

Did Magnus manage to draw his sword before Cytherea killed him? (and why he probably had to watch his wife die)

How did Abigail know she was murdered by a Lyctor?

Fifth House necromancy is straight out of the Odyssey

The politics of the anniversary dinner

Was Magnus born outside of the Dominicus system?

Overthinking John Gaius:

The one time John was happy was playing Jesus

Is Alecto's body made from John's?

Are there atheists in the Nine Houses?

Why isn't John's daughter a necromancer?

The horrors of love go both ways: why John could have asked Alecto 'what have you done to me?'

Why M- may have really hoped John was on drugs

What is it with guys called Jo(h)n and getting disintegrated? (John and Dr Manhattan)

John's conference call with his CIA handlers

Watching your friend turn into an eldritch horror

Why does G1deon look so weird? (Jod regrew him from an arm)

When is a friendship bracelet not a friendship bracelet?

Why did John have G1deon hunt Harrow? (with bonus update)

The 'indelible' sin of Lyctorhood and John's shoddy plagiarism of Catholicism

Are John Gaius and Abigail Pent so different?

What was Jod's plan at Canaan House?

John and Ianthe tread the Eightfold path

The Mithraeum is more than a joke about cows

When was John Gaius born? (And another)

John Gaius and the tragic Orestes

John and Jesus writing sins in the sand

John and Nona's echoing chapters

John's motivations

Overthinking the Nine Houses:

'No retainers, no attendants, no domestics'

Funerary customs and the violence of John's silence

Juno Zeta and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time

The horror of the River bubble

Every instance of 'is this how it happens' in HTN

Feudalism is still shitty even if you make it queer and sex positive

How do stele work?

Thought crime in the Nine Houses

The Houses have a population the size of Canada

What must it be like to fight the Houses?

You know what can't have been fun? Merv wing's megatruck on Varun day...

Augustine's very Catholic hobby (decorating skeletons)

Necromancers are not thin in a conventionally attractive way

Matching the Houses with the planets of the solar system

Why don't the Nine Houses have (consistent) vaccination or varifocals?

How would the Houses react to the deaths at Canaan House?

How does Wake understand her own name (languages over 10,000 years)

What pre-resurrection texts are known in the Houses?

Camilla and Palamedes very Platonic relationship

The horrors the Cohort found at Canaan House

Do the Houses understand the tech keeping them alive?

Overthinking House religion:

What do the Houses believe about death?

Was M's nun a Franciscan?

Cavaliership and arbitrary socio-religious structures

Ritual scarification

Sacraments and sacramentals

What did Silas think god wanted at Canaan House?

In defense of Silas

There's no such thing as a 'good' necro/cav relationship

Veiling and shaving in Ninth House cult practice

Tongue-in-cheek thoughts on Eighth and Sixth religion

A very long deep-dive on House belief and practice

Overthinking Harrowhark Nonagesimus:

'The meat of your meat...belonged to god' and 'that is how meat loves meat'

The horror of parental touch: Harrow, John Gaius, and Abigail Pent

Why is Harrow so obsessed with Abigail's hands?

Frontline Titties of the Fifth and transgressive necro/cav relationships

Harrow, Wake, and permeability of the soul in HTN

Bible studies for weird queer necromancers:

Epiphany: revealing god's child to the wider world

The Holy Innocents and the creche massacre

The Virgin Mary and Commander Wake

John Gaius and John the Baptist

Instantiating the Trinity and the Second Resurrection

What's the significance of Paul?

St Paul's theology of gender and sexuality and the House theology of cavaliership

Maundy Thursday: consuming another for eternal life

Harrow and the Harrowing of Hell

[shotmrmiller]

soulmate au part 1

john price x f!reader

wc: 1.2k

unedited, forgive my mistakes.

since you were born, your world has been grey. you never thought anything of it, until at school, they started teaching you colours. the only ones in the room that could see more than just different shades of grey, apart from the teacher, were identical twins.

weird.

you went home and asked your parents.

"we are born missing half of ourselves. we have a fated one, and when you meet them, your world will look the way it was meant to."

oh. but... "in class, there were twins that could see colour. what about them?"

they look surprised for a second until your dad softly explains. "in rare instances, the soulmate bond will be platonic. which makes sense in this case, because twins grow up with a connection regular people like us will never understand."

you nod and lower your gaze to look at your shoes. you wonder if the person meant for you is interested in junie b. jones books like you are.

-

in high school, you crush on this pretty girl— a cheerleader. her hair is long and beautiful, her face is small and round, and she's so kind. just your type.

but no colour stains your vision, so you burrow your emotions deep and mourn the loss of what could've been.

-

in college, one of your friends ask you if you've met your soulmate yet.

"no, not yet," you lament. what she says after freezes the blood in your veins.

"my mom knew someone whose soulmate was already dead before they had even been born," she comments while stabbing a grape tomato with her fork. "it was really tragic, because she'll never know what it's like to know a love that has no equal."

your heart is in your throat, and you find it hard to swallow the food in your mouth.

what if your soulmate is already dead? oh, god. you might just throw up. your friend doesn't seem to notice the change in your demeanor and continues to babble carelessly about how she knew someone that knew someone who's soulmate had turned out to be a murderer.

oh my fucking god.

you quickly run to the bathroom and throw up your lunch.

how cruel is the universe? to have no control over who is meant to be for you.

you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand and lean against the stall of the bathroom. you should've known that this soulmate business was too good to be true.

cupping your hands, you rinse the taste of bile out of your mouth before walking back to your friend who stayed in her seat.

"jesus, you look terrible, you alright?" she asks.

running your fingers through your hair, you huff. "i've certainly been better. just got a bit nauseous, nothing serious. maybe it's a stomach bug."

"oooh, you better not be pregnant! what of your dreams of working in the medical field?"

you giggle at her response. "that'd be impossible unless i'm the virgin mary."

she gapes comically then leans in and whispers, "you're lying! don't tell me you haven't dated anyone just because they weren't your soulmate."

you shrug, and keep your eyes fixed on your half-eaten plate of food. "i don't really wanna talk about it, if that's alright with you. besides, you've got bigger things to worry about, like the upcoming exam for mr. richardson."

slapping a hand to her forehead, she exclaims, "oh, shit! i totally forgot! shit!"

you watch her inhale the rest of her salad and toss her trash before waving goodbye and sprinting toward the library.

with a sigh, you look down at your food. grey. lifeless. shaking your head, you pick up your plate and toss it in the bin.

you decide to focus solely on your studies. you have dreams of being a doctor and pining after someone you haven't even met yet would only serve as a distraction.

--

your white coat grazes your calves as you walk toward your new patient. standing outside the room, you pick up the clipboard.

Price, John. 34, Active Military.

he's the head of the task force! god, you've only heard stories of them from the other medics on base who have met them, so to finally come face to face with the man, the myth, the legend? you wipe your clammy hands on the fabric of your scrubs and clear your throat.

be professional, be professional. he's just another patient, it's no big deal.

rapping your knuckles on the door, you wait a second before twisting the knob with a shaky hand. you nervously keep your eyes on the clipboard as you walk in.

"good morning, captain price."

"mornin', doc," he rumbles.

oh, his deep voice just might be the end of you.

"you don't sound all that happy to be here, captain," you tease while flipping through his medical history papers.

he lets out a low chuckle, and you squeeze your thighs together at the sound. delicious.

"nothin' personal, doc. just don't like bein' here, you understand."

lightly laughing at his joke, you finally steel your nerves and look up at him.

only to have your vision bleed in something you don't understand. is that colour? is this what colour looks like?

the clipboard drops, clattering to the floor. john— being the courteous gentleman that he is— quickly kneels to grab it and lifts his head as he hands it to you.

he freezes in place, the clipboard slipping from his hands as he stares at you.

you thickly swallow, and dumbly question, "do you...has your....colour? can you see colour?"

unblinking, john's eyes are fixated on you as he remains silent.

your eyes dart around to take in his features. his brightly-coloured eyes are framed by lines that hint at his age, his strong jaw adorned by a mutton-chop beard. his nose is specked with a beauty mark.

"what colour are your eyes, captain?" you softly ask.

he closes his mouth and takes in a sharp breath. "i've been told they're blue."

"blue," you smile. the eyes of your soulmate are blue.

but then, your delighted smile melts off your face, in horror.

there's a shiny band on his finger. he's married.

john price, your soulmate, is fucking married.

your vision distorts with the tears that threaten to spill and bite your bottom lip to stop it from trembling. it feels like there are shards of glass in your lungs, cutting you open with each quivering breath you take. your pain is red-hot, searing under your skin, flowing through your veins like molten lead.

john knows exactly what you're looking at.

"love—" he starts but you cut him off swiftly.

"don't. you don't owe me anything, captain. uhm, but uh... maybe it's best that we switch your doctors, yeah? conflict of interest, and all that."

you all but run away, away from that room, from him.

how terribly unlucky.

you head towards your office, which is down the hall, and slam the door closed. only then, do you cry, and mourn what should've been.

[thewertsearch]

You would have loved to meet him. Unfortunately his life was cut short at the tender age of 86 in a tragic accident, coincidentally on the same day you were born, or so your dad tells you.

Nanna finally got her revenge on Baby John. Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text might not have killed Poppop this time, but a tactical infant strike is equally deadly.

Does Spritehood beckon, or is that a little too obvious?

Poppop Crocker was a LEGENDARY COMEDIAN, following in the footsteps of his grandfather who of course was the greatest southern pranking legend of all time.

This time around, there was no flintlock pistol to cut Sassacre's life short, so he was actually able to raise John, instructing him in the noble art of japery. Betty Condesce was presumably in the picture too, and I would just love to hear her trying to explain those horns to 1920s Alabama.

Jane makes no mention of Jade here, but John didn't know about Jake's connection to his family, either. It's reasonable to assume that Jade also ran away as a child - and if she did, at least she wasn't leaving John alone with the Condesce. John seems to have taken entirely after his adoptive father, so hopefully he had as little contact with 'Crocker' as possible.

Just your basics when it comes to pranking. A few CLEVER DISGUISES. A NAME BRAND DUNCE CAP. A SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED EDITION OF SASSACRE'S TEXT, updated for the modern prankster and scrubbed of a few of the more egregious julep-fueled racial slurs, several other stray books, your company's prototypical model for the GRISTWIDGET 12000, and of course your super-handy UNREAL HEIRESS THOUGHTWAVE TIARATOP for the young gogetting junior battermaster on the go.

One of these things is not like the others.

You really have to admire the Condesce’s audacity. Sure, why not hand your brainwashing victim a mind-control headband? It's not like she's going to question another piece of Crockertech.

Your sylladex is so great.

Useful, but you probably need to make a non-Crockerized version. Is there any way to open-source the thing?

And then there's a customized copy of PONY PALS, a gift to you on your 14th birthday from the slippery Mr. Strider. Each page contains lovingly hand-written commentary on the deeds of this intrepid young horse.

This gift does a lot to reassure me that Kid Bro is at least slightly more human than his previous self.

I couldn't imagine the adult Bro showing anything close to sincere appreciation for the noble horse, let alone making a heartfelt gift for a friend. Bro's only friends were the Smuppets.

I also love that Maplehoof’s symbol is standing up in its alchemy recipe.

...why?

[altcvnningham]

what’s in a name?

alluded to it in my last adlerbell rot post but i have such a complex over adler naming bell and i find it difficult to put into words. so here’s a very lengthy attempt:

most of the symbolism behind bell’s name is obvious and doesn’t need much stating: it’s indicative of adler’s ownership of bell, literally naming them like a pet, his property. obvious also that a bell was used in their conditioning; as well as a reference to the study of classical conditioning itself by pavlov, who similarly used a bell to condition behavioural responses in the test subject: a dog (hence the myriad dog imagery/symbolism in adlerbell fics… it’s like crack to me)

but the obvious aside it always hits me deepest as part of the “it wasn’t personal” narrative. it’s insanely personal- it’s intimate. i think i put adlerbell on a little bit of a pedestal to view everything about them through a vaguely romanticised lens, but to me it really is- in the most horrifically tragic and sickening way- romantic.

like, you’re bell, right? you trust this man, bell. he is your friend. you witnessed some of the worst atrocities of mankind and survived hell with him and he is your friend. he calls your name through the smoke and gunfire, as a bullet zips past your ear you hear it amidst the splitting of shrapnel, the tearing of screams silenced for but a moment. each time he extends his arm to pick you up, he calls you, bell. every time he directs you to a point of interest, he beckons you, bell. when he nudges you out of your cot in camp haskins, it’s your name he laughs, bell. when he praises you, and smiles at you in that wry, almost boyish way, and tells you how good of a job you’ve done, how we couldn’t have done it without you, how they should be thanking you- it’s your name, bookended, every time, a fondness notched into the welding that stamps you both together inseparably. bell. every single association you have to your name is whenever he pulls you close, helps you, praises you, saves you. your name alone a positive association- to the respect and affection he has for you. bell.

and it’s to the point. adler says their name at any given moment he can. he says it so often it’s infuriating. like deadass take a shot every time. it’s practically a trope in any fic featuring the two, that he utters their name every other line of dialogue. it’s the first thing he says to them at the start of the game- walking into the safehouse at west berlin- not a word, but their name. sure, obviously isn’t the first time he’s spoken to bell, knowing what came before- but it’s presumably bell’s first time walking around freely since mk ultra. that coupled with the trigger phrase must make for a very pliant response- when he says their name, it’s the same man, as far as bell knows, who fought with them back to back in vietnam. something thicker even than blood.

and i reckon adler likes it. mk ultra was a joint effort but bell’s past is based on his choosing, his memories. by no means did he have to pick their name, but he did. he chose to name the thing he’s helped create. it’s almost sick that the ‘closeness’ bell feels towards adler is really only partially synthetic- over a span of months adler really was there, every day, talking for hours and conditioning them over and over and over again. of course he’d name them. something something don’t name an animal you don’t want to get attached to. but it’s his animal. it’s his dog. they’re his bell.

and there’s something just so sickening and so adler that he could have named them anything else in the world- maybe something inconspicuous and plain, like john or jane; something sweet, something that reminds him of someone else, a song he likes, a nickname, an insult, or even something downright cruel. but i don’t think anything could be more cruel and tragically appropriate than calling them by the name of the instrument you used to condition them. to call them by the tool you used to enslave their mind. the very thing that reset their entire being to zero. a bell. not just their name- but the sound, ever ringing, in the back of their mind. the thing that echoes in the empty inside them, to remind them why it’s empty in the first place, its sole purpose to keep them chained in their loyalty to adler. bell.

like i said, i do really think adler likes it. for whatever reason. ownership, spite, just a way to rub salt in the wound any chance he gets, a small victory only he gets to revel in, right in their face. but bell is his. bell belongs to him. when he says their name, it’s the one he chose. time and patience came alongside that bell that rang perpetual in that lab. he’s said that name as many times as he rang it. maybe a part of adler’s as attached to that instrument as much as he is the person he named after it. i’m sure adler hears it chiming in the recesses of his own mind more than he’d care to admit. he’d been around to hear it as long as bell has, hadn’t he? maybe part of him has grown conditioned in his attachment to that instrument too.

but there must be a semblance of pride when he says it. really, to be able to beckon your dog by the name you chose for it. i wonder if a swell of maddened joy tugs at his blackened heart whenever he sees bell’s head perk up at the sound of their name, the one he chose, as implicit and unthinking, automatic, as though it truly were their own. since birth.

and like it couldn’t be enough that he took everything from them. and most importantly that he took them away from perseus- that he stole perseus’ most precious comrade right out from under him, and turned them to an unflinching loyal pup for himself. this isn’t about you, this isn’t about me, this is about millions of other fucking people. is it? when you croon and tut their name between every sentence, are you sure you don’t just like the satisfaction of saying it, knowing how deeply it disarms them? knowing how they are wholly yours, to their very core? to the name they introduce themselves as? to the one they flinch and come running whenever you say it?

ugh. it’s just- a name is so integral to one’s identity. it shapes their life. their personhood. and he didn’t just erase theirs, but he gave them a new one and made sure they’d like it. a conditioned response of pleasure whenever he’d say it. isn’t that intimate?

he took everything. every single shred of who they were. that not even their name is their own. that even their name, their name, belongs entirely to him.

this didn’t make sense, i wrote this mostly for myself, congrats if u read this far. i just wanted to have every single thought and feeling i had about it jotted in one place and file it away ajshsjksjsjsjs

[jjscrybaby]

jj maybank x fem!reader | hurt & comfort | (bad parents, mentions of weed, sad!reader, not written overly well bc i was sad)

this is depressing as hell i’m sorry… also very self indulgent. i’m an oversharer idc, the main reason i haven’t been posting a lot recently is because my home life isn’t going too well with my step dad, but at half 2 in the morning this is what my brain came up with to make myself feel better so enjoy

One thing the Pogues understood more than most was dysfunctional families. There was Kie, who’s parents cared more about their reputation than their daughter, John B, who’s mother had left when he was three and his dad was so invested in finding treasure it got him killed. Sarah’s family life made everyone’s heads spin, at this point it was a taboo subject that only came up once she’d had one too many cocktails, Pope was lucky to have parents that cared for him but there were still times he wasn’t happy at home.

JJ’s dad was the worst man you’d ever met, you may be biased because anyone treating your boyfriend like that would put them in your most hated book but everyone on the island could agree that Luke Maybank should never have become a father. Your family life was the same. Tragic, hurtful and heartbreaking. You and your mom used to be close, but after she met your step father things changed. She fell in love, you couldn’t blame her for that, what you could blame was the fact she’d allow a man to treat her child like a speck of dirt on his shoe. It was never physical, maybe that was why you were yet to tell JJ and the others just how badly it was effecting you; it didn’t seem necessary.

Everyday your closest friends would have to deal with the reminders of the parents they’d been stuck with. You didn’t want to be that person. The one that made it about themselves, the one that bummed everyone out.

You were trying to keep a brave face on, after the fifth argument of the week with the devil himself you’d stormed out of your house and made your way over to the Chateau. Tears brimmed your eyeline, and you knew even one joke-gone-wrong could send you into a ball on the floor. But you couldn’t stay in that house any longer, not with him and not with your spineless mother.

“There she is!” Sarah beamed as you rounded the corner of the Chateau, a strained smile on your face. You’d texted them to let them know you were coming, you felt you owed that at least.

“Hey,” you greeted, voice unnatural from the way you were holding in your tears.

JJ patted his knee, indicating for you to take a seat around the fire with the rest of them. You sat, his arm wrapping around your waist as he pressed a kiss to your cheek. “Hey, gorgeous.”

“Hi,” you murmured back, playing with a piece of his hair to try and distract yourself.

You didn’t speak much as the others carried on with their conversation, catching you up on the topic as they passed a joint around the circle. JJ offered it to you but you shook your head, you needed to have control over your body; over your mouth more like. The last thing you wanted to do was blurt out how miserable you were and ruin the atmosphere.

Slowly but surely, everyone but you and JJ retreated inside. Sarah could never handle her weed, she was already half asleep when John B picked her up to take her to bed. Kie was in one of her mellow moods, wanting to be away from everyone to think. Pope wasn’t quite as in a state as Sarah, but he’d decided he was ready for his own bed so he headed back home. That left just you and JJ, that was what you’d been dreading. If he had even an inkling something was going on, he’d be able to get it out of you. He had a way with words, especially when it came to the people he cared about.

“What made you change your mind ‘bout coming?” JJ asked, leaning back on the couch that you now sat beside him on.

“Can’t a girl miss her boyfriend?” You teased, making him smirk back at you.

“Always, baby. Just thought you and your mama were havin’ a movie night,” he explained. The topic made your jaw clench and your stomach drop. The reason for the argument tonight: you and your mom had planned to watch a movie together, something you hadn’t done in a weirdly long time, but of course your step dad had wanted to watch the tv. You’d tried to calmly explain that it was just a couple hours, all that had lead to was screaming and accusing.

“Yeah, uh, change of plans,” you croaked out, blinking rapidly to try and force the tears away.

His smirk faded as he looked at you, instantly noticing the water in your eyes and the way your smile looked like it was physically hurting your face. “Yeah? What happened?”

“Doesn’t matter. You want to go inside? I could do with a shower,” you sniffled, trying your hardest to change the subject.

“What’s going on?” JJ asked softly, hand coming up to cup your cheek. You closed your eyes, squeezing them shut tightly as you shook your head.

“It doesn’t matter,” you repeated.

“Clearly it does. C’mon, talk to me, please. You’re upset,” he murmured, moving closer. His other hand moved to your waist, stroking your skin softly.

You opened your eyes, the dam broke and tears began to roll down your cheeks. The worry in his eyes doubled as he saw you crying, hold on you tightening as he tried to wipe them away. “I hate it there,” you sobbed.

“Hey, hey, hate it where? Hate it where, baby?” He worried as you began to cry manically. He’d seen you cry countless times, but never like this. Never like you were in pain.

“My house. I feel like— like a stranger, like I don’t even belong there. It’s all his fault,” you admitted through your tears.

“Your step dad?” He asked quietly, connecting the dots in his head.

He’d been at your house before, he’d met your step dad, and he’d always been pleasant. But he was polite in a way that you knew it was fake, it was a show and JJ had worked that out from the first time they’d shook hands. His grip was too tight, his eyes bored even whilst he smiled. He’d always figured that it wasn’t like that for you, though. He just assumed it was an issue with him.

“He’s so mean to me,” you choked out. “I try my best, I do, I just want to get along but it’s like he’d rather die than see me as his kid.”

“Okay, alright, c’mere,” JJ coaxed, holding his arms out for you to crawl into. You didn’t need any convincing, already in his lap before his arms were fully extended. “I got you, okay? Take a breath, calm down. You’re safe, you’re alright.”

You sniffled into his shoulder, slowly but surely beginning to calm down and realise what you’d done. You’d shared. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel like the world was ending. It actually felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders and you could finally breathe for the first time in years.

“Should we go to bed? Hm?” He murmured, running his fingers soothingly through your hair.

“Okay,” you agreed quietly.

He stood up, lifting you with him into his arms as he kicked open the porch door and walked through the house to the spare bedroom that he called his own. He dropped you onto the bed, flicking on the lamp and closing the door. He didn’t say anything as he stripped down into his boxers and put his shirt over your head, climbing into bed beside you.

“You want to talk about it?” He asked, kissing the back of your neck.

“Maybe tomorrow,” you mumbled back, exhausted from the confession.

“Okay,” he agreed. “Is there a reason you ain’t brought this up before?”

“It’s— compared to what you and the others have been dealt in the parent region, it’s nothing. It’s stupid, really, I don’t even know why I’m so upset,” you explained. Both of you knew it wasn’t stupid, it didn’t matter what he did or didn’t do. No one deserves to feel unwanted in their own family.

“Don’t compare,” he murmured, rolling you over so you were facing him. “Just because someone’s broken their leg don’t mean your paper cut doesn’t hurt.”

You let out a tearful giggle, shaking your head at him. “That’s a stupid analogy.”

“Maybe,” he smiled back softly, happy he’d been able to see you smile even if just for a moment. “Doesn’t make it a lie. I don’t want you feelin’ like that at all, but I hate the fact you’ve been feeling it alone. And me, the Pogues, we’re your family. You’re always wanted here.”

“Thanks, JJ,” you whispered, eyes welling up once again. This time it wasn’t from the pain, it was from the fact you knew he was telling the truth.

“Go to sleep, baby. We’ll talk in the mornin’, over Kie’s blueberry pancakes,” he said, stroking your cheek. He leant forward and pressed a soft but firm kiss to your lips. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

It would always hurt that you weren’t ever going to feel whole in your own home, but at least you were lucky enough to have a second one. One that truly wanted you, no matter the circumstances.

[syresdcthings]

John Doe is still unneedingly tragic to me... Like, what do you mean this guy has no memories of before Arkham? What do you mean he likely couldn't have been a criminal beforehand because otherwise he would've been sent straight to Blackgate after being cleared by Dr Leland? What do you MEAN his green hair was probably caused by some random freak accident while he was just a civillian (and young, remember Bruce is only at least in his late twenties during the telltale games, and John we can presume is around the same age, and he claimed he'd been a fan of Bruce Wayne for years.)

I dont know... it makes me upset. Because here's a guy who obviously had no friends or family to recognise him after he was put in Arkham or even anyone to claim him missing. And then he was in Arkham, and suddenly he was top dog. And then he was out of Arkham, and once again he was alone, and scared, and confused.

But, there's a silver lining in all this! Because he befriends Bruce Wayne. Now I wouldn't put it past John to have developed a parasocial relationship with Bruce whilst in Arkham. We KNOW he was interested in him, collected photos of him, etc. So everything seems to be coming up sunshine and rainbows, John has a gorgeous girl who is paying attention to him, and a handsome guy who is paying attention to him, and both of them are so different from eachother that it gives him whiplash being around the two at the same time.

Because Bruce is so tentative and caring, but also stern and judgmental in a way that makes John feel cared for, like someone's finally watching out for him.

Harley on the other hand, is mean and demanding, but also accepting and so familiar to everyone John has known in Arkham that its comforting.

And he doesn't know what one he wants more. He knows WHO he should be with, realistically. Harley is out of his leauge but she's so much more similar to him and it only makes sense he'd be with his own kind. But Bruce is just wonderful, and he could help John out, but John can't find it in him to fully believe Bruce would ever be his friend. He sees himself as lesser than everyone around him, and he just doesn't get WHY a guy as great as Bruce even wants to stick around.

Sigh... SIGH. Maybe I'm in my feels but everything from that one post a person working on The Ememy Within made about how John would love if he could be with both Harley and Bruce has me FROTHING at the mouth.

[liesmyth]

Is it better if John erased their memories, or if they came back that way and he just decided not to fix them?

It's immensely better if he intentionally mindwiped them. TO ME.

I'm a John fan. I think he's a tremendous tragic antagonist, and that everything he does in the HtN backstory is relatable if not painful familiar. He was under immense pressure, trying to mitigate the literal end of the world, having his mind and his whole self changed in ways he had no frame of reference to understand. He went from being desperate and trying to do his best to being carried away by circumstances to going absolutely fucking insane. There are many ways to rationalise John's actions all the way to the end, which is what makes it such an effective corruption arc. If you want to engage in some blorbo apologism, there are plenty of excuses to be found.

There's absolutely no fucking way to excuse mind-wiping his friends. THAT is why it's so important to me that he did it deliberately, in cold blood, justifying it to himself as a way to take their burdens upon himself so they wouldn't have to feel guilty. He removed their agency. He didn't want any peers in the world he'd created. He could have acknowledged what had happened, for better or worse, and tried to make amends - but instead, he chose to remove their knowledge that something had even happened in the first place. It's the turning point! I need him to go into that with his eyes fully open. He's doing it on purpose! He weighed the pros and cons and prioritised his comfort over his friends' identities.

EYE believe that his story arc is infinitely more powerful if there's a point we can look at and say "here is when John's story went from things happening TO HIM to John doing terrible things". Especially in a backstory that's ultimately about divine corruption and losing touch with your humanity, I think that turning point needs to be something that has a personal value to him, something that can't be chalked up to "he was high on death" or "humanity was doomed" or even "he touched the soul of the earth and went insane."

I think it's important, thematically, that one of his first actions after acquiring godlike powers was to make sure that no one would be able to remember his human self and challenge him on equal footing, even if he's still internally lamenting his own loneliness and wishing things were different.

Obviously, this is all coming from a known John Girlie™ and Eldritch Alecto Enjoyer — I interpret John's ascension to quasi-divinity as something that was mostly imposed ON him and he couldn't control, which is why I need him to cross the moral event horizon outright with the mind violation of his inner circle. Someone who views John as more directly culpable in the end of the earth might feel less strongly about the importance of the mindwipe in his story arc than I do, but TO ME it's the culmination of the tragedy. You've become the inhuman horror, baby.

/post that inspired the question

[commander--wake]

commander--wake/beyonces_fiancee's top ten TLT holiday exchange 2024 rec list!

these are my top 10 best fics and art from the locked tomb holiday exchange 2024 season! I liked & loved a lot more than 10 and haven't read the whole collection yet, but these were the top 10 that leapt out to me thus far as most exciting, unusual or unexpected, made me think or expanded my brainpan, or simply so masterfully done I couldn't resist!

im gonna edit this post once author reveals happen so everyone can say yayayayay fanfic friends ^_^

fragile eyes by Marenke (fic)

my amazing gift has to top the list!!!!!!!! this is a disturbing john/harrow lolita-inspired au that feels like an eerie slow burn despite only being 1200 words. I love how the author transfers john's canonical illegitimate godhood into an illegitimate pseudo-priesthood, grooming harrow into his lone congregant and... well... read the fic ok. so thrilled with this rich interpretation of my simple prompt :)

polaroid from the sexy parties by crandairy @crandairy (art)

amazing mercy & cassy art so shaped!!!! I love the tomboyish/geeky cassy with sixthish glasses and the lusciously maned mercy! don't forget to click to the second chapter for even more goodies!

very demure, very mindful by anonymous [forever anonymous sadly!] (fic)

pyrrha/nona problematic Cohort-officer-and-secretary roleplay. pyrrha is a bad bad man and nona, well, whatever nona wants, nona gets. sexayyyyyy

drama! in the erebos rpf fandom by forjodssake (fic)

ao3 works page au of john/sarpedon and then some, tags and comments from the tower princes & others included. need i say more just click it. big LOLs found here

practice makes perfect by Mr_Fizzles (fic)

john/mercymorn/augustine dios apate major timeloop. quite dark and tragic, to my delight! I'm not much of a one for timeloops and other unusual aus like that but I'm so glad I gave it a chance, mercy & augustine's strategies and reactions kind of broke my heart and johnnnnn rotten boy

this secondhand living, it just won't do by YeeHawmura (@procrastinationaccount) (fic)

of course the ianthe/coronabeth flesh magic pwp is also a biting & intelligent character study of both sisters and their fucked-up relationship. tridentariicest shippers queens of the fandom tbh

on a distant riverbed by UserIsMe (@irenesusername) (art)

u guys already know i'm a sucker for anything g1deon, especially one that includes pyrrha/respects his relationship with her & with death. this one probably has the best ratio of minutes required to enjoy:amount of times stabbed in the heart for me. bonus cute cowboy in chapter 2

the bomb and the beast by Sarsaparilla (@sarsaparillaswords) (fic)

griddlehark beauty & the beast/gideon raised by BOE au. gideon voice on point, BOE names for days which is totally my kryptonite, and the prose is just that little bit loose and uncontrolled where you know you're in for a wild, juicy, funny ride. everyone go comment so the author does a chapter 2!!!

clinically insane & the next virgin mary by rnanqo (@rnanqo) (fic)

ianthe/john character study of my favorite scrungly rat. my comment: "something about Ianthe always being the second-favorite child, in her mortal life with Corona and then in her immortal saint life with Harrow and then in her immortal saint life redux with Kiriona, just cracks me the fuck up. Ianthe you'll never get Daddy's candy!!!!"

settle for a ghost by Raxheim (@theriverbeyond) (fic)

if you got me not only reading but RECCING a pyrrha parenting gideon nav fic you know you're onto something. the translation to modern au is very intelligently done, the subtle backstory sprinkle controlled and clever and scary, pyrrha/g1deon numnums for me, and the growing pyrrha & babygid relationship just kills. haven't commented on this one yet bc i need to chew the beef jerky some more :)

(honorable mention: haven't read yet but am HYPED AF) [edit: HAVE READ AND IT'S FUCKING INCREDIBLE]

veins running fire by duplicitoussluts (fic)

john/harrow victorian arranged marriage omegaverse with a jane eyre theme. I KNOW RIGHT???? 22k is so scary long 2 me but I fear I must read because any author whose unhinged beautiful mind could come up with such a wonderful idea must surely be a phenomenal writer, aside from which people have already talked up the fic exceedingly! so, looking fwd to it!!!

[princessbrunette]

au catalogue ♡

it has come to my attention that i write a lot on this blog, so sometimes the explanation of the lore behind one of my au’s gets a little lost. in this catalogue, i will detail the basic backstory behind each of my universes.

JOHN B ROUTLEDGE

♡ outlaw!john b:

the two of you met on your land when he’d snuck into your barn to rest after being on the run from the sheriff — being falsely accused of a crime. you allow him to stay, and in return he becomes a part time farmhand and full time boyfriend. overtime, you fall in love. the events of this au are told through my full length fic; hold me kiss me.

♡ dad!john b:

you accidentally fall pregnant with john b due to your shared breeding kink. you end up with one boy one girl!

♡ dbf!john b:

self explanatory. your dads best friend who’s a little younger than your dad — having met down at the local grill. your father trusts him a lot as he is known for his sweet and patient nature, but can’t help but notice you — the desperate and lustful daughter who can’t keep your paws off. he’s constantly scolding you for teasing him and shaking his head at you, but will still pay you a visit when he knows your dads not home.

♡ stepbro!john b

when your mother met big john routledge, she fell in love and decided to leave her world behind to pursue treasure hunting with her new partner in crime— thus dumping you on the chateau doorstep with nothing more than a few suitcases. feeling bad for you, john b tries to take on the big brother role — but a year and a half later the two of you are finding it hard to resist eachother. you are constantly throwing yourself at him, the two of you physically closer than one can imagine which people find odd. he resists you for a long time, but when jj tells john b that he’d be happy to step up and ‘look after you’, your step brother makes a move.

♡ apocalypse!john b

once a leader, always a leader — john b is in charge of patrols, heading outside the gates of your safe zone kitty hawk to find supplies and clear the area of the undead. after the tragic death of sarah cameron, john b is 10x more protective and serious, not allowing you to ever come with them on supply runs. he can always rely on the doting camp-nurse to fuss over him and make him feel better after a long gruelling day beyond the gates. the details to the apocalypse!au can be found here.

♡ toxicex!john b

after the two of you broke up due to you feeling neglected by the boy because of his love for treasure hunting with his friends, you can’t help but want to be around him. as detailed in this post, john b will always be there for you — even if he’s snarky and rude in the process.

♡ firefighter!john b

john b and his best friend jj maybank have joined the firefighting department. excited to save pretty women from buildings and claim their hero titles, they’re disgruntled to find they have been lumped with the ‘newbie’ jobs for a while — meaning they must drive around on patrol for potential fire hazards all day and save cats from trees. as they work their way slowly up the firefighter ladder, they find themselves short for money and looking for a roommate — who ends up being the sunshiney receptionist in their building who sees them as the heroes they are. after spending a lot of time together, john b and jj realise that they’re happy to share more than just their love for firefighting.

♡ jedi!john b

the jedi was seemingly of the purest heart. known for his defensive fighting style (much like obi wan kenobi) john b has always wanted to do the right thing and abide by jedi council rules. when the jedi was a young boy, his father the jedi master disappeared without a trace or even a goodbye. believing he had died in battle all these years, john b went about his life with only the tales of how great his father was. entering his early twenties, he feels in the force that his father is still alive out there — and sets off to find him. during his travels he meets you, damsel in distress in the shape of a naboo princess. more details to the star wars au can be found here.

JJ MAYBANK

♡ outlaw!jj

jj the outlaw is a regular at the saloon you work at, always having been a bit of a brute. he’s constantly on the run from the sheriffs and getting thrown into a cell after minor misconducts and bar fights. he’s always checking out your ass as you bring him his whiskey and will always make some kind of comment regarding whether or not you’d like to wear his hat and ride a cowboy. where this would make you turn your nose up at anyone else, you can’t help but feel special gaining his attention being such a well known outlaw from out of town. sometimes after your shifts you get cozy in a booth with him and he tells you wild, exaggerated tales of his crazy life.

♡ farmhand!jj

the slutty farmhand hired by your father to work on the barn, but spends a lot of his time working on you instead. the two of you are a total secret, loving the thrill of sneaking around — but the boy hopes to marry you one day.

♡ linecook!jj

the story told in this full length fic details how you met jj, the linecook at the restaurant you waitress for. this au is acclaimed to be one of the most husband-material jj’s — many discussions having followed regarding him knocking you up and making you food whenever you please. this au is also considered a classic on this blog as it were one of the first au’s i developed.

♡ campcounselor!jj

you’re the daughter of the campsite owners, the spoiled princess who gets everything she wants and everybody loves her. jj is the class-clown camp counselor hired for the summer because he struggled to find a job. overtime he realises how great he is with the kids, and you realise how badly you wanna fuck him. each night isn’t complete without you inviting the blonde back to your luxury cabin in the woods to sate your needs. he can’t believe his luck but doesn’t dare question it. overtime, the two of you realise you’re starting to fall for eachother.

♡ mascot!jj

in this au, jj heads to university. there he meets you, the pretty and shy cheerleader. taking the job as the school’s mascot, running around in a giant animal costume to hype up the crowd — he realises it’s his chance to get close to you. though all the girls on the team seemingly adore jj due to his smooth, funny and slick mouth — he fears he will always be seen as the sweaty, class clown mascot guy after every game. noticing the star football player rafe has taken an interest in you, he decides to step it up.

♡ bbf!jj

you can’t resist your older brothers best friend, jj maybank. he’s always at your house, playing on the playstation with your sibling downstairs, wandering the halls, or ‘accidentally’ walking into the bathroom whilst you’re showering. though you know it’s wrong, you can’t keep your hands off eachother.

♡ bsf!jj

jj maybank has been your best friend since you were young. the two of you knew everything about eachother, so it should feel like a sibling relationship right? wrong. the two of you have always been very hands on, flirty almost. whether you’re sitting on his lap at a party or curling up next to him in your bed — people can never quite tell if the two of you are a thing. the two of you struggle to distinguish this too, as your urges grow stronger you test the waters, beginning to perform ‘favours’ for eachother. what begins as jj massaging your sore tits late at night when you can’t sleep, becomes you ‘returning the favour’ and giving him head when he asks for it, which then becomes him fingering you in his lap when you’re needy. the lines are blurred, and you try to tell yourself you’re still best friends — scared of ruining things, but will rip away anyone of the opposite gender in a jealous rage.

♡ dealer!jj

jj is your favourite dealer in town. you’re always visiting him to buy your weed, and he always offers to smoke you out for a cheap price or even free. truthfully, he just enjoys the company in his little shack of a house, loving the way you get more touchy and needy the higher you get. the blonde ensures to feed you water to prevent cotton mouth, and even lets you lazily ride his thigh when you get inevitably horny!

♡ apocalypse!jj

never losing his sense of humour, jj is the master at making bombs from scratch and going out on patrols to ensure the safety of kitty hawk. his pretty nurse is always there to patch him up when he gets home. details to the apocalypse au can be found here.

♡ spiderman!jj

your best friend jj is the friendly neighbourhood spiderman… but you don’t know that. being his shy best friend studying to be a nurse, you’re open to your bestie about how much you lust towards the cities superhero, and jj tries his best to keep his mouth shut. inevitably, you figure things out — and then you become the nurse he visits in the middle of the night to get patched up after a particularly rough night. he constantly teases you about your crush on him and the tension only grows.

♡ piercer!jj

working along side tattooartist!pope, jj is the king of giving piercings. knowing him through mutual friends, your crush only grows when you visit him to get your nipples pierced and he totally talks you through it. after you start dating, you’re constantly hounding him about other girls getting their tits pierced by him so he’s gotta eat you out until you think reasonably.

♡ stepbro!jj

luke found the woman of his dreams and decided to finally get his shit together and try to be a better father. with luke’s new woman, comes you her daughter — the bunch of you living under one roof. luke spends a lot of his time in AA and working, and your mother works long shifts too — leaving the two of you alone. you’re as innocent as they come, but with that comes sexual curiosity — and who better to confide in about that than your big step bro? jj is happy to help, so long as you keep it hush.

♡ babydaddy!jj

after knocking you up, jj freaks out about becoming just like his father and leaves — before returning deep into your pregnancy to step it up and be there for you. it’s hard at first to put your pride aside, but you give him a chance after he begs you to let him back into your life. he keeps a respectful distance of course, but picks up extra shifts at work and is at your beck and call whenever you need him. once the baby is born, he’s spending even more time around you — showing up at your doorstep unannounced and finding excuses to come inside to spend time with his family. eventually, he weasels his way into your bed to look after you and help you unwind.

♡ toxic!jj

jj is your toxic boyfriend who lets his fears and insecurities get the best of him, resulting in him being a little mean and manipulative. talking to another guy at a party? he’s making a scene, beating the guy bloody before pulling you away to yell at you. not in the mood to be all over him? he’s accusing you of not wanting to be with him anymore, telling you that he ‘knows’ you’re going to dump him. despite the arguments, the night always ends in two ways — either him drunk, crying into your shoulder and begging you not to leave him — or having you pinned beneath him, fucking you dumb on his cock.

♡ toxicex!jj

the ex boyfriend that you’re still fucking and is obsessed with you. he’s constantly blowing up your phone everytime a guy likes your instagram, asking if you’re fucking him too, and scaring off any guy who dares make a move on you at a party by pulling out his pistol and threatening him.

♡ criminal!jj

jj maybank who got in with the wrong crowd and wound himself up in jail. you’re the sweet thing in little dresses that pouts in his visiting booth, asking when he’s getting out — and he promises you hundreds of dates when he’s released. upon finally getting out, the two of you can’t keep your hands off one another. he’s still shady, hanging out with the wrong kinds of people, and jail hardened him — but you love him all the same.

♡ shittysoundcloudrapper!jj

feeling inspired after one drunken freestyle night at the chateau, jj convinces himself he’s destined to become a rapper. writing, producing, and recording his own stuff — jj truly feels he has a knack for it. his stuff isn’t awful, just cheaply produced and vulgar. he likes to think his inspiration is partynextdoor — taking extra care in recruiting his pretty best friend to pose scantily clad for his single cover, or to moan on the backing track of his songs. he’s willing to do anything to get you on board.

♡ firefighter!jj

john b and his best friend jj maybank have joined the firefighting department. excited to save pretty women from buildings and claim their hero titles, they’re disgruntled to find they have been lumped with the ‘newbie’ jobs for a while — meaning they must drive around on patrol for potential fire hazards all day and save cats from trees. as they work their way slowly up the firefighter ladder, they find themselves short for money and looking for a roommate — who ends up being the sunshiney receptionist in their building who sees them as the heroes they are. after spending a lot of time together, john b and jj realise that they’re happy to share more than just their love for firefighting.

♡ streamer!jj

jj takes up streaming after combining his love for playing games and yapping. discovering he has a knack for it, he doesn’t expect to blow up the way he does. as much as he’s all about the games, he’s pretty oblivious to the fact his audience is mostly female, trying to gain his attention in the chat box or on his fan discord, or by making thirst trap edits of him to r&b tracks on tiktok, sexualising his body language or facial expressions on stream. he doesn’t pay it much mind though, happily in love with you — his supportive girlfriend who occasionally makes an appearance in his streams.

♡ onlyfans!jj

needing a bit of extra cash, jj starts to anonymously sell faceless videos of himself jerking off for money. not realising how successful he’d be, he continues to make videos pleasing himself on his account. after a couple of dates with jj, the two of you really clicking — he casually mentions that it’s something he does for a living, and you shyly suggest helping him out. at first it starts with helping him shoot, getting hot and flushed behind the camera as you pan down on him fisting at his cock — and eventually you decide to star in a few of his premium videos. depending on preference, streamer!jj can be the earlier version of onlyfans!jj if so desired.

♡ jedi!jj

more like anakin skywalker with his offensive fighting style — jj is the more reckless jedi of him and john b. when it’s discovered that bounty hunters are planning to take you, the princess of naboo — jj is hired as your knight to protect you. so nervous about the whole ordeal, you order him to sleep in your bed with you to make sure you’re safe through the night. with this, you can’t help but get physically closer to the jedi, pleading with him to break the council rules and be with you secretly. more details on the star wars au can be found here.

♡ bodyguard!jj

you’re the spoiled kook influencer who has recently gained some stalkers, and jj is the pogue bodyguard hired by your parents to protect you during this time as you continue to attend events to further your career. the lore behind the two of you can be found here.

RAFE CAMERON

♡ boxer!rafe

considered a classic on this blog, boxer!rafe is one of the most beloved au’s i created. a little bit into the future, rafe takes up boxing to work out his rage problems and finds it a great outlet, emotionally settling down and finally finding his own. he goes pro, and meets you — the daughter of the stadium owner at the venue he fights at. you’re sweet, always lingering round the gym or stadium watching him prepare for fights, hanging around the ropes to ask him questions and feed him water when he needs it. he’s obsessed with your soft nature, whisking you out of that place to provide for you, marry you, and fuck babies into you.

♡ bountyhunter!rafe

following the western au, your father winds himself up in some trouble with ward cameron — feared outlaw. for revenge, ward tasks his son, new to the job bounty hunter with kidnapping you to pay your father back for what he did. so rafe sets off, and with some struggle manages to take you away from everything you’ve ever known. he’s rough, mean and perverted — but somehow you find yourself developing stockholm syndrome and falling for him, not able to run away if you tried. think buffalo 66 vibes but western.

♡ prisoner!rafe

your boyfriend finally got locked up, so until he’s released — you do everything in your power to hold him down. dealing with his business outside the walls, you come to visit your man weekly, delivering sexy pictures of yourself to his post room to keep him satisfied and flashing him at the visiting booth. it’s getting harder and harder to be apart from him, especially when prison has physically done him so nicely.

♡ babydaddy!rafe

after breaking up with rafe because he’s too reckless and explosive, you discover that you’re pregnant with his baby. choosing to keep it, rafe decides he’s going to use this to get you to stay with him. he provides you with every penny needed to fund you and your babies life whilst on the side working to get his shit together and become the man he’s always wanted to be. once you’ve had your baby, he’s round for routine visits, occasionally fucking you and spending time with you when you’re tearful and lonely, needing him. convinced he can win you back with this, he’s constantly buying your love, and whisking you away to the bahamas to spend ‘quality family time’ and fuck you during the babies nap times.

♡ dealer!rafe

the grumpy kook is seemingly the life of the party due to his side hustle in dealing coke. working along side barry, rafe starts to pop up at every party you go to, holding lingering eye contact but keeping his distance because he probably shouldn’t bother the sweet innocent girl that stuck to two drinks a night. your friends are boisterous, walking all over you a little and send you to do their dirty work, being buying their coke for them. thinking you’re being a good friend, you seek out rafe and he fixes you up, all whilst telling you stop taking shit from your friends. he gives you discounts because you’re pretty, so your friends continue to send you back to him, where he sweeps you into his criminal lifestyle.

♡ stepbro!rafe

when ward cameron divorces rose and ends up with your mother, you move into tannyhill with your new stepsiblings. whilst you develop and great sister-like relationship with sarah and wheezie — rafe takes a different approach, his brain rotted by porn and makes it his mission to sleep with you. due to your innocent nature, you don’t realise what he’s doing half the time, and can’t deny how good it feels when he touches you. your secret sessions give you a rush, sat at the dinner table each night with no one knowing you just came on his dick upstairs.

♡ dbf!rafe

rafe becomes great friends with your father when they begin to work together, your father being rafe’s boss. he’s older, but still a little younger than your dad — and is careful with how much he pervs on you as he can’t afford to lose his job, being cut off by his own dad. you’re the spoiled kook ex cheerleader daughter who’s used to getting her way, and when you set your eyes on rafe you know you have to have him. constant teasing leads to rafe inevitably losing his temper and fucking you how you want under the condition you promise to keep it a secret.

♡ apocalypse!rafe

after ward cameron got killed in a shootout between them and the pogues to reclaim sarah, rafe is left to be the kingpin of his safe zone. he treats everyone there as his soldiers, ruthlessly commanding them to kill anyone who got in his way. on a hunt for revenge, rafe kidnaps you from kitty hawk camp where your safe zone is and forces you to be his apocalypse wife, telling you that the two of you will have to repopulate the world. more information on the apocalypse au can be found here.

♡ pervyneighbour!rafe

when you move in next door to tanny hill, ward cameron appoints rafe to be a good neighbour and show you around, being similar in age. he quickly discovers you’re rather innocent and decides he can take advantage of that, inviting you round to ‘get you acclimatised’ to the kook life — which means teaching you how to suck him off in his bedroom.

♡ fratboy!rafe

another fan favourite, fratboy rafe is the epitome of the american frat lord. parties, drugs, drinking, and skimming through his classes are what it’s all about. you’re in one of his lectures, quiet and shy at first — and he takes interest in you, getting his notes from the classes he missed from you as means to talk to you. he’s an odd one, rather rude and bully-like in nature, even towards you — but singles you out from everyone else to slide in compliments and check you out. you have a complicated relationship. you start to show up to parties, and he decides he’s gotta get his hands on you. fratboy!rafe is also gooner!rafe depending on preference.

♡ gooner!rafe

still a fratboy, however he spends more of his time in his dorm either watching porn or fucking yoi until you’re sore. stuffed in his closet are fleshlights and even sex torso dolls that he used before you came along to get himself off. when you come along, he treats you the same way he does his sex dolls — groping you constantly and demanding you to be at his beck and call, which you secretly don’t mind. he’s gross, willing to try out any position, fantasy or kink if he’s seen enough porn of it to convince him.

♡ pogue!rafe

a universe where rafe is a pogue, having left his family at a young age to be raised by the older fisherman pogues on the island. he’s 6ft5, mean, and hates everyone — slaving away day in day out at a building site or doing repairs for kooks much to his dismay. he still doesn’t get on with the core pogues, jj maybank in particular grinding his gears. you’re a kook, and rafe is hired by your parents to come and do the renovations on your house for a couple of weeks at a time — soon being trusted as their favourite handyman. he can’t stand kooks, but your parents pay well so he tolerates it. you’re not like the other kooks, sweet and humble — however you don’t know when to take a hint, constantly following him around begging him to hang out with you despite his constant dismissal. don’t get it twisted, he wants to fuck you until you cry — but is it worth getting involved with a kook? maybe you needed teaching a lesson or two in politeness.

♡ harryosbourne!rafe

a less popular au— rafe in the spiderman!jj universe, still rich and snobby, living in a high rise pent house with his father who happens to secretly be the green goblin.

♡ toxicex!rafe

incredibly self-explanatory, rafe your ex boyfriend who is toxic as all hell and won’t leave you alone. he stalks, shows up and beats up new guys you’re interested in, threatens people with guns just to prove to you he can protect you. you can’t help but go back to him and get your fix of dick from time to time.

♡ lord!rafe

this au is designed to be viewed in a creepy, a24 unsettling movie type of way. tannyhill becomes a haven for parties where all sorts of sexual, illegal, drug heavy activities go down. youre sweet and innocent, but get wrapped up into it — soon to be adopted by ‘rafes girls’, a group of women that parade around the home through the day wearing very little, pleasing rafe and his friends. he selects you to be his favourite like a little sacrifice and his women guide you through learning how to please him. more lore on this universe can be found here.

♡ sleepover!rafe

a less known au, but real ones remember this one! this au actually inspired lord!rafe, but it’s more casual and a lot more different. you and your friends often attend rafes parties, and after getting cozy with you — he ‘innocently’ invites you all to attend ‘sleepovers’ at his house. he spends the evening getting climbed all over by giggly girls, and wakes up in the morning to your friends touching all over him, easing you onto his lap and whispering for you to ask him to fuck you. your friends are weird voyeurs, but rafes even weirder.

♡ star wars au bountyhunter!rafe

in a galaxy far far away in the star wars universe, rafe cameron poses as a poster boy for ward cameron’s political party by day, and a bounty hunter by night. after stalking you around senate events, he woo’s the princess of naboo for a few evenings at a time — before later gearing up in his stolen mandalorian gear and kidnapping you for his father. will he keep you for himself? or cash in the bounty? more information on the star wars au can be found here.

♡ basketball!rafe

rich and famous basketball player rafe cameron spoiling his kook it-girl pinterest muse girlfriend and soon to be wife and mother of his children. the lore can be found here.

POPE HEYWARD

♡ kook!pope

probably the most beloved pope au on this blog! pope is a rich university student who is the smartest guy around. he’s invited to every party but still keeps his good morals and stays far away from rafe cameron if he can help it. when he meets you at a party, you stand out to him — and he decides he wants to take you in, tutor you and make you his.

♡ tattooartist!pope

working alongside piercer!jj, pope heyward is the best tattoo artist around. he has steady hands and a calm voice that could talk you through the pain (and other things). outside of work, he’s still kind of a nerd that rambles — just a nerd with sexy tats.

♡ drummer!pope

picture pope with a bandana tied round his head with the sleeves cut off his shirt, playing in a small town band with his friends. you have a little crush on him, and drag your friends to every single show to watch him until they force you to find him after a set and give him your number.

♡ dbf!pope

your dads slightly younger best friend who owns the grill now, still carrying that same soft spoken patience that makes him ever so trust worthy. so trustworthy that your father even convinces him to tutor his sweet college student daughter — unbeknownst to the fact she refuses to be tutored unless she’s sat on his lap, grinding on his dick.

♡ apocalypse!pope

pope works in the control room at kitty hawk, making sure everything is running smoothly, watching for intruders through the cameras he set up, and spending day in day out trying to contact other survivors through the radio channels. he’s been pretty quiet and stoic since the outbreak, struggling with the loss of people he loves and cares about — but you can always get through to him, convincing him to take breaks with you and fall in love with being alive again. the two of you like to smoke weed together in abandoned buildings and you let him pound out his frustrations by bending you over. in return he protects you with his life. more information on the apocalypse au can be found here.

♡ pizzadeliveryboy!pope

think your local pizza delivery boy, paired with a bratty, snooty kook— who is fucking pope after each of his shifts because your stupid cheating boyfriend can’t make you cum. for some reason, his uniform does it for you, and he wastes no time dropping his bike on your yard and running in straight after he clocks out with a pizza box in one hand and a condom in his pocket. he hates feeling used by you, he wants to respect himself more — but the sex is just too good to give up.

♡ drivinginstructor!pope

picking up a driving instructor gig to make some money after college whilst he decides what he wants to do. he doesn’t expect his first client to be you, the pretty kook girl with an insatiable need to fuck in the backseat.

♡ star wars au captain!pope

pope heyward is jj maybanks first in command, the soldier he relies on the most to help him navigate through the war against the separatists. after saving you, the damsel in distress princess of naboo, and spending time talking to him — he realises maybe there’s more to life than his identity as a soldier. more information on the star wars au can be found here.

THE READERS

♡ bunny!reader

the ditsy, girly girl kook who moved to the obx and instantly attached herself to rafes side. think haley dunphy but kinder, and the house bunny but a little younger. she is typically paired with rafe, but have been in other pairings before. she’s often seen in strictly pink and white, wearing bows, ribbons and skirts that ride up her ass. a lot of the time, she’ll be plugged with a fluffy bunny tail butt plug, put inside of her by her boyfriend to keep her docile. here’s the introductory post for bunny.

♡ kitty!reader

the opposite to bunny in the sense that she’s got tonnes of attitude and spunk, but just as much as a sex addict. she’s most commonly paired with jj, after meeting him in a grocery store and approaching him silently, wide eyed and curious. she’s super prissy, decked out most commonly in black and pink together, and if she’s not biting jj’s arm begging for dick she’s mouthing off, pushing to get put in her place.

♡ puppy!reader

pup is most commonly paired with john b, the sweetest, most hyperactive and slightly ditsy girl in town. she’s incredibly clumsy, mostly because she runs everywhere and you can never predict what she might do next. puppy!reader met john b after falling off her bike near the chateau, arriving on the brunettes doorstep in tears asking for a bandaid and if he knew how to fix bikes (the wheel was comically detached.)

♡ deer!reader

skittish, shy, curious and always following where her nose takes her like a deer. most commonly paired with pope but has been seen to join other popular pairings. she’s an all round good do-er, working at the library and volunteering in her free time — meaning the heywards absolutely adore her. it takes a while for her to warm up to people and be herself, but once she does she truly lets the weirdo out.

♡ mouse!reader

mousey is usually strictly paired in her trio relationship with kook!pope and regular jj. she’s originally a pogue, dating our two boys— pope paying her way through ballet school, and jj keeping her grounded in the pogue world. she’s known for her love of ballet, cheese, and shoplifting (which she always gets told off for by her boys! but never gets caught because she looks so innocent) here’s a drabble that details her more.

♡ lamb!reader

daughter of carla limbrey, lamb!reader is new in town. she’s been raised as strictly catholic her whole life and is learning what it’s like to be a modern girl living in the obx. with the help of the pogues, specifically jj — she navigates what it’s like to feel curious about wanting to fuck. although she’s ‘innocent’, she’s not afraid to lecture you and put you in your place, often sticking her nose in the air. aside from warming to jj, she’s got rafe on her case — always twirling her cross necklace round his finger, desperate to corrupt her ways, which only makes her angrier when her body reacts. if she’s not with the pogues in her little white outfits, she’s driving around in her ‘59 cadillac that was gifted to her on her 16th birthday. here’s a post detailing her more.

♡ spoiledkook!reader

the baddest baddie of them all. paired with any character you’d like — she’s like bunny if bunny was a bitch! popular pairings for her to be apart of — dbf!rafe, bsf!jj, pizzadeliveryboy!pope… the list goes on! this vid is totally her vibes.

♡ sheriffsdaughter!reader

often paired with jj, shoupes daughter pretty much lives at the station. she got a shitty little job there doing paperwork and signing people in and out, but the highlight of her shifts are when jj gets taken in (selfishly) because she gets to flirt with him. her father is oppressive and strict, and got her labelled with being a ‘narc’ for all of her teen years and never invited to parties — so she resents him, throwing herself at jj. think the song 18 by anabor meets please please please by sabrina carpenter. here’s a post inspired by that and an edit to help you see my vision.

THREEWAY SHIPS

♡ jj x reader x john b

the first ever threeway relationship i brought to this blog! a classic au to the real ones who have been here for aaaages! the two are usually paired with puppy!reader, all being friends until they realised their feelings for reader were stronger than it should be and they didn’t mind sharing! john b is the ‘daddy’, the stern but sweet calming presence that keeps everyone grounded, and jj is the fun playful one that teases you and riles you up.

♡ rafe x kook!reader x jj

another classic au! when jj takes the job mowing lawns for kook families, he spots the prettiest girl he’s even seen sunbathing outside in the tiniest bikini ever. deciding he has to have her, he swoops in and befriends her, using her innocence to take advantage of and take her under his wing. however, rafe cameron had been your neighbour for years. due to the two of you practically growing up together, your parents have always forced you two together — ward instructing rafe to always invite you to every event and gala as his date growing up. as you come into adulthood, the boy realises that he does infact want you, in every way, especially now he’s seen that jj has his eyes on you. the two boys battle it out over you.

♡ jj x mouse!reader x pope

see mouse!reader above!

♡ john b x reader x sarah

sarah and john b have always been chronically horny, and when they spot you working at the local library — they decide to befriend you with the purpose of corrupting you and joining you into their weird little horny relationship. at first you think it’s normal, they’re just a little affectionate — especially sarah, but soon the boundaries get pushed and you can’t help your body reacting to your two closest friends. occasionally jj joins in on the fun too! heres a post detailing their odd relationship.

♡ jj x reader x maggie

maggie is an oc created by me to play a masc-leaning lesbian mechanic in the obx, jj’s best friend at the garage they work at. she has a few face claims, but her most popular one is charlie watson from bumblebee, or kate bishop. the two are usually paired with puppy!reader, both caring for her in their own way — jj being a golden retriever hyper horn dog and maggie being a grumpy black cat.

♡ firefighter!johnb x receptionist!reader x firefighter!jj

see firefighter!johnb/jj above!

[cer-rata]

An incomplete but very angry diatribe about the missed potential of the Star Sapphires

So back in the day Geoff Johns and co decided to open up the Green Lantern mythos and add some more flavor and expand the concept of sci-fi tech powered by elemental emotion to more than just willpower. Which yes, is not an emotion, we ignore it and move on.

Anyway we got some really cool stuff! A rage tyrant fueled by experiencing incredible injustice on a personal and cosmic scale, whose vendetta twisted him into something terrible. An avatar of greed who was never allowed to have anything, not freedom, not family, not safety, who takes and takes and takes to fill a void that can never be satisfied. A priest who lost everything but presses on through his unshakable hope that the future can and will be better. It's a lot of fun stuff!

So in this great creative re-imagining, they had to do something clever and fun with the idea of an all female corps powered by love right? They took the opportunity to move past the purely romantic, sexual idea of love and the obsessed femme fatale archetype, because they had the chance to really explore different types of affection now that there were a bunch of different avatars with different stories to pull from right?

Right?

Nope! The only Sapphires we ever learn about are heartbroken over a cursed romance like Carol, grieving a dead fiance like Miri Riam, forcibly mind controlled to be one like Fatality, or just Miss Bloss who...kind of said she wanted to join up? No clue what her deal is, as far as I'm aware that's never really explained. And then we just never learn about anyone else, and still haven't. The hell is "The Lost Sapphire"? No idea, we'll likely never know.

It's frustrating because not only is this a glaring example of the depth of plotlines offered to women in comics compared to their male counterparts, but also a wild lack of imagination. Love is one of the most complicated emotions we experience. Fear, anger, hope, all pretty easy to quickly define. Love is multifaceted, cultural, incredibly contextual and a factor in so many different kinds of relationship. Just thinking logically it should be much easier to flesh out the motivations of a group pulling from such a nuanced source of power, versus something as clear-cut as rage. But no, the red lanterns got so many varied reasons for their rage, the male ones especially: Bleez being the woman was of course given the SA narrative, which I don't think is inappropriate on its own, that's an incredibly valid reason to be angry, but as the ONLY truly prominent female Red Lantern it's like...c'mon guys. But still, at least she and Atrocitus had different reasons for becoming what they are, and that variation was played for plot and drama.

But there's not a single Star Sapphire that personally champions something other than romantic love. And before you shoot me, it is explicitly mentioned that they DO protect other forms of love, so there's no reason for them to all be sexy and obsessed with kissing people. There are no Sapphires that are driven by:

The love of their children and families, even in a tragic sense, like Atrocitus and Saint Walker and Larfleez are...

Their love of their people, or their culture. It would have been interesting if Fatality was inducted BECAUSE of her pain at losing her world, but no, they just...replaced her anger with lovey vibes and called it a day.

Their love for nature. Not everyone is social, but social love isn't the only way to strongly experience the emotion.

Their love for themselves. Where is the fun narcissistic ass who loves their own self image to the point of getting powers? It would have been a fun twist and a cool way to get another villainous Sapphire if you wanted to.

Their platonic love of ANYTHING really. Are ace/aro people just...not capable of love then? It doesn't mean anything to be willing to drive cross country to help a friend move just because they needed it and you care? No? You need to be fucking for it to count?

It's like...fascinating if you really think about it. In this vast fantasy universe full of alien races with wildly different perceptions and life cycles, and where the other corps have plenty of non-human, truly alien looking members, that the women's only love corps is full of only hot hot scantily clad baddies. Most love that people experience in their lives isn't even romantic! You will have far more experiences with friends and family members and even loving strangers than you will have with romantic partners.

Like the reason is clearly sexism, duh, but we know sexism is bad, that's obvious, what I really want to make clear is how much this blatant, unexplored sexism just completely desecrated the potential of the worldbuilding here.

From another angle even: Let's say this this WAS the sex and romance all the time corps. Let's say that you wanted to keep it all women. I hate the idea that women are capable of love in a way that men aren't, that's such a bad take and just regressive and unhelpful, but let's just play ball for a moment. They're not even hot? Their designs are such ridiculously narrow versions of feminine attractiveness that they're not even successful at really being mass appeal sexy. I haven't even reached the point of complaining about the fatphobia and criminal lack of different body types yet, I'm still just saying that from the standpoint of fantasy sexy it's not even good at being stereotypical offensive fantasy sexy. It's just boring! They're all so visually boring! You can be scantily clad and still have an interesting and coherent character design! But that is not what they gave these women! They actually redesigned the classic Star Sapphire costume and made it MORE sexist and boring:

Yeah it was cheesy but it was also cute and fun? The design is playful classic sci-fi girl and this is when she was still a dangerous unhinged villain. Its fun to look at and feels tonally coherent next to Green Lantern.

And then they just...

No actually, I will not explain this one, you have eyes.

And yeah they fixed her costume finally,

But! She's still stuck as Hal Jordan's romantic punching bag, and has not gotten to have any new adventures on her own.

So.

What I'm saying is it's a flop all around. 2/10, and only because despite everything Fatality STILL managed to serve. I actually think that all of the corps have been poorly used since blackest night, even the greens actually, but they never even gave the Sapphires a chance. They last showed up in...a WW annual I think? During the whole dark gods event, they needed Diana to help them fight the evil god of love, and there was a guy in the corp finally, and they talked about sisterhood and then we haven't heard a peep from them since. I think Carol might be due to get her ring back in the GL ongoing but she's not really been treated well so far, so I'm not hopeful for anything fresh and well reasoned.

So my lovely ladies (and that one unnamed guy), until they let you get it together it may be time to

[meetinginsamarra]

Fanfics I Really Liked in November 2024

So. Since I keep a list of what I´ve read anyway (there´s always a list), I will rec all the fics I´ve wholly enjoyed on a monthly basis. Old and new, canon or AU, big or small authors, long or short but nearly always Johnlock (-ish).

++++

Sine Nomine by SilentAuror @silentauroriamthereal

As Mycroft reviews the footage from Culverton Smith's morgue, he revisits his original question: whether John Watson would be the making of his brother, or make him worse than ever. He's come to a conclusion, but decides to give John one last chance. So he gives him a choice.

A suspenseful S4 fix-it with a fearsome Mycroft, John's redemption arc and some surprises. Happy ending, of course!

Shallow Grave by SilentAuror @silentauroriamthereal

Starts as Sherlock's plane is taking off at the end of His Last Vow. When he finds out that Moriarty is alive and that he's being recalled from his mission, Sherlock decides that he should have told John how he felt before he left. So he walks off the plane and kisses him.

HLV fix-it with lots of pining and misunderstandings and a happy ending!

My, She Was Yar by blueink3

YAR: adjective (nautical term, of a sailboat) agile, quick, easily manoeuvred

Or, the exact opposite of what Sherlock Holmes is when he stumbles into John Watson's cinema and turns his life upside down.

Lovely different first meeting with a bit of hurt/comfort!

The Skin Over My Heart by standbygo @blogstandbygo

Sherlock and John are still trying to adjust to Sherlock's return from his hiatus when John's friend Bill Murray brings them a case. Someone is targeting the LGBTQA+ members of Bill's unit. John and Sherlock go undercover at the unit, but when they end up having to flirt to flush out the suspect, Sherlock realizes he's in over his head.

Fake boyfriends for a case is always a good start for friends to lovers. LOL

Whispers of Highgate by standbygo @blogstandbygo

During his hiatus, Sherlock is chased into the Paris Catacombs, with unexpected consequences.

A little bit of spookyness and a twist at the end!

Christmas Lights by emma221b

It's tough being homeless, especially at Christmas. When Sherlock finds himself cold and alone on the streets of London, he can see no way back. What he needs now is one more miracle, and he might just be about to find it - even if it's not the one that he thinks that he wants.

I love this young Sherlock and the tragic backstory that made him go homeless. Mycroft is a good big brother. Hurt/comfort.

[bambi-kinos]

Why do people perceive John's love for Paul as unrequited? I confess that I fail to grasp this perspective. Paul is absolutely infatuated with John in every sense of the word. The difference between him and John, as Paul himself has stated, is that John voices his feelings out loud, while Paul excels at self-preservation; he knows how to navigate the rules of society while also enjoying the thrill of breaking them.

For the same reasons why Hanya Yanagihara wrote her eye wateringly boring novel "A Little Life." In "A Little Life" Yanagihara writes a Stephanie Meyer-esque novel about boys being turned gay via SA perpetuated by adult men and how they eventually grow up and become super rich and also they all have vague disabilities that cause a lot of pain but never get full definition because defining them would be inconvenient to the narrative. (Disabilities are debilitating and Yanagihara wanted to write about Sad Boys Who Were Turned Gay By Child Rape But Also They Are Rich And Go On Globe Trotting Vacations Everywhere All The Time While Being Depressed.) The point of "A Little Life" is not to tell a Sad Gay Man Story about the fallout from CSA, it is to depict a sexually exploitive miseryfest that uses disability as a way to pad the word count and add a layer of fancy fondant to the masturbatory and self indulgent text that makes it look more interesting than it is.

I bring this up because I think the phenomenon are related. There has never been a good justification for why Paul is magically indifferent or blind to John being a gay simp especially when you have so many examples of Paul being a gay simp for John in return. BUT it does make for an even sadder and more exploitive miseryfest where a Sad Gay Man died Forever Alone because he was so in love with a Happy Heterosexual Man who could never Return His Love and that is what a lot of people want. That's the only reason the narrative has any steam IMO.

It's just trying to make a sad story and make it even worse: more sad, more tragic, more gay, etc. If John and Paul were mutually attracted and in love with each other than that means they may have had stretches where they were happy together and that's unacceptable to a certain kind of mind. Because the point is the emotional and sexual gratification of seeing a Sad Gay Man Suffering, not to respect the Sad Gay Man and his story and the events and decisions that lead to his predicament. If Paul reciprocates John's love then the John and Paul love story turns into a mundane tale about a first marriage that started out happy but didn't work out because the two spouses grew apart over time. The point of "A Little Life" is the same, there's nothing genuine or cathartic about the Sad Gay Men or the Sad Painful Disabilities, they only exist so the author can circlejerk with her readers about how enlightened and noble they are. Needing the misery becomes all consuming to the point that entire rest of the story, the three dimensional nature of it, gets destroyed and swept under the rug. It's too real and some people just don't want to engage with that.

There's a mundanity to McLennon. Yes there was all sorts of stuff happening but at the end of the day they were just another couple trying to muddle through life together. The soulmate-ness of it all didn't save them when push came to shove. There wasn't a clear path forward for them to make up and get back together even as friends. This is much harder to bear for some people because it shows how the simple act of living your life can carry you away from the person who loves you most. John and Paul found each other but they still drifted apart eventually and stopped wanting to be together. The romance novel didn't end with "happily ever after." The fact that it was so relatable and downright boring is something a lot of people don't want to know or hear about. How can they jerk off to it? It's not miserable or indulgent enough.

Reducing their dynamic to Sad Gay Man Who Is Forever Alone and his Evil Oblivious Heterosexual Partner Who is Blind To His Yearning flattens it, makes it two dimensional, and thus makes it a lot easier to cope with and masturbate to, emotionally and sexually. And look there may be some people who genuinely believe this and don't type that narrative out with one hand, but they're outliers and outliers get discarded.

[katakaluptastrophy]

Masterpost of TLT metas

This is mostly for my own reference, as tagging doesn't seem to guarantee something being findable on Tumblr...but if you like wildly overthinking lesbian necromancers in space, enjoy!

Overthinking the Fifth House:

What is a "Speaker to the Dead"?

Actually, Magnus Quinn isn't terrible at sword fighting

Imperial complicity: Abigail the First

Pyschopomp: Abigail Pent and Hecate

Did Teacher conspire with Cytherea to kill the Fifth?

What does the Fifth House actually do?

The Fourth and the Fifth can never just be family

Cytherea's political observations at the anniversary dinner

Abigail Pent's affect: ghosts and autism

Were the Fourth wards of the Fifth?

Abigail probably knew most of the scions as children

Magnus Quinn's very understandable anger

Fifth House necromancy is not neat and tidy

Are Abigail and Magnus an exception to the exploitative nature of cavaliership?

"Abigail Pent literally brought her husband and look where that got her" (the Fifth in TUG)

The Fifth's relationship dynamic

The Fifth's relationship is unconventional in a number of ways

The queer-coding of Abigail and Magnus' relationship

Abigail and Palamedes, and knowing in the River

Was Isaac the ward of the Fifth?

Did Magnus manage to draw his sword before Cytherea killed him? (and why he probably had to watch his wife die)

How did Abigail know she was murdered by a Lyctor?

Fifth House necromancy is straight out of the Odyssey

The politics of the anniversary dinner (and further thoughts)

Was Magnus born outside of the Dominicus system?

Overthinking John Gaius:

The one time John was happy was playing Jesus

Is Alecto's body made from John's?

Are there atheists in the Nine Houses?

Why isn't John's daughter a necromancer?

The horrors of love go both ways: why John could have asked Alecto 'what have you done to me?'

Why M- may have really hoped John was on drugs

What is it with guys called Jo(h)n and getting disintegrated? (John and Dr Manhattan)

John's conference call with his CIA handlers

Watching your friend turn into an eldritch horror

Why does G1deon look so weird? (Jod regrew him from an arm)

When is a friendship bracelet not a friendship bracelet?

Why did John have G1deon hunt Harrow? (with bonus update)

The 'indelible' sin of Lyctorhood and John's shoddy plagiarism of Catholicism

Are John Gaius and Abigail Pent so different?

What was Jod's plan at Canaan House?

John and Ianthe tread the Eightfold path

The Mithraeum is more than a joke about cows

When was John Gaius born? (And another)

John Gaius and the tragic Orestes

John and Jesus writing sins in the sand

John and Nona's echoing chapters

John's motivations

Is Alecto just as guilty as John?

John's cult (and what he might have done to them)

The horror of Jod

Did John get bloodsweat before he became god?

Some very silly thoughts about John and Abigail arguing about academia

Overthinking the Nine Houses:

'No retainers, no attendants, no domestics'

Funerary customs and the violence of John's silence

Juno Zeta and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time

The horror of the River bubble

Every instance of 'is this how it happens' in HTN

Feudalism is still shitty even if you make it queer and sex positive

How do stele work?

Thought crime in the Nine Houses

The Houses have a population the size of Canada

What must it be like to fight the Houses?

You know what can't have been fun? Merv wing's megatruck on Varun day...

Augustine's very Catholic hobby (decorating skeletons)

Necromancers are not thin in a conventionally attractive way

Matching the Houses with the planets of the solar system (though perhaps the Fourth *is* on Saturn)

Why don't the Nine Houses have (consistent) vaccination or varifocals?

How would the Houses react to the deaths at Canaan House?

How does Wake understand her own name (languages over 10,000 years)

What pre-resurrection texts are known in the Houses?

Camilla and Palamedes very Platonic relationship (further thoughts)

The horrors the Cohort found at Canaan House

Do the Houses understand the tech keeping them alive?

The scions from an external perspective (sci fi baddies)

Cav cots

The Nine Houses and feudalism

The horrors of early necromantic education

[captorations]

what makes john gaius a fantastic villain is that he’s so, so close to being genuinely tragic, rather than that which inflicts tragedy. at almost ANY POINT he could have stopped and turned around, and let his regret actually inform his actions rather than his words.

the tipping point wasn’t even the nukes! or any of the events immediately following! if he’d done that, but been horrified at what he had wrought and labored to repair it, he would have been a wonderfully compelling flawed yet penitent deity! but no this man just kept digging even after hitting the earth’s core and fucking eating it.

if i had to guess at one single moment after which he was no longer capable of turning back, of acknowledging his reflection in the mirror, it would easily be what he did to his friends, his family. this is a man who started willing to give everything to save everyone, and he ended up so horrifically selfish that he let half his friends die to ensure the other half would never flee from him.

even now, there are moments where you get it! where he does seem more tragic than anything! his version of the story is blatantly biased, the cracks not at all subtle, but his point of view isn’t impossible to understand in the slightest, at least for the events he described in detail. the truth of the matter is that if it had been gideon who had been given that power, she’d have started killing people much faster and with much less hesitation.

the point is that i want to punt john gaius like a football even as i recognize that his character is completely realistic and even uncomfortably relatable at times. and that’s what makes him the perfect antagonist for this kind of story, in which nearly every character is deep and compelling and worthy of their place in it, and yet is simultaneously just the wettest most pathetic creature to ever creache

[direquail]

My specific read on John is not that he's a nice guy, either. It's that, like any good character (specifically a tragic character, which, TM has said that he is modeled on a mythical tragic hero, so) he has a flaw that dooms him. And what that means is, when he has the choice to change what he's doing, that flaw either prevents him from taking the option he's aware of, or prevents him from being aware that there is another option altogether.

And so as a writer, what I look for are moments where either:

something good about a character becomes an excess that harms themselves or others

we receive information that shows a persistent blind spot a character has

we look for times when a character gives their view of the world/a situation and it Does Not Match Up with reality, or is hinted that it doesn't

we look for evidence of something simmering under the surface that clashes with their outward, agreeable presentation

What fills that role for John?

Yep.

When this first pops up, it's pretty easily dismissed as yet another layer on the falsehood he's propped up. Admittedly, he's been doing it for ten thousand years, so it's probably got a few layers to it.

However:

This one, to me, gives us a hint about what John is blind to: That his friends see his vindictiveness and his failings and that they could still love him. This is where it crosses into tragedy, for me; where his own inability to forgive blinds him to the capacity that other people have for generosity--and so, to a world where "justice" means more than "vengeance for the dead".

And this illuminates the whole chain of events that leads him to that climactic scene in Harrow the Ninth, telling Mercy that she never would have forgiven him anyways:

John is, at heart, deeply angry--like most characters in the series, and like a lot of people who grew up in poverty, especially if they managed to escape it. He also has some deep sense of justice, and deep sense of judgment.

So we have this cycle of related emotions and ideas: Justice, judgment, outrage. And a human measure of selfishness, amorality, double standards, etc.

In one situation, this allows him to throw himself completely into the cryo project, something that (if it hadn't been sabotaged politically) could have made a difference to humanity. He brings in people who work to make it even better, who demonstrably want to make the outcome as just and humane as possible. It's also implied that this is part of why he received those powers; "I chose you to change."

(And, I'll be honest, one of the other things that I see that chafes me is the implication that there was nothing about John to recommend him to the Earth. I'm actually of the opinion that there was; she chose him, and I don't think she just rolled a d100 or drew a card off a tarot deck and called him up. John is also still a human, flawed person.)

Then, the situation changes. It's no longer an issue of dedicating expertise to solve a problem; this is a political issue, and specifically of rich people using their resources to shift outcomes towards the one they think will benefit them the most, that will secure their survival, explicitly at the expense of everyone else.

And their strategy is, profoundly: short-sighted and unnecessary (pooling resources would help create a better outcome for everyone, including the rich, by reducing global trauma and preserving more of the systems that already structure their world); bigoted and uninformed (many rich people think that the world has to be a certain way, generally that the world is violent, competitive, dog-eat-dog, etc., and someone has to be "on top", and there will always have to be a loser, or lots of losers); and utterly cruel, unjust, and pointless.

And John--John, who grew up poor, who grew up aware of the despair around him and the injustice of his position and more than likely made use of that anger to achieve what he had up to this point--John is so angry.

Because they're all the same. They're all the same. It's the same song, over and over again, no matter how stupid and pointless and unnecessary. He is certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it doesn't have to be this way. He passes judgment.

But John is losing to them, because he doesn't have the resources they do. He can hate them and fight them all he wants, and it doesn't matter, because he's nowhere near in the same league as they are politically.

And then, after the cryo project is cancelled, he gains his powers.

The thing about anger and judgment is that the deeper it runs, often, the more invested the person who holds that anger in themselves is in not seeing what they hate in themselves. E.g: John has conceptualized the people he's resisting as fundamentally unjust, cruel, amoral, and bigoted. There's a very good chance--to different degrees, depending on the person--that becoming aware of similar traits in himself might wake up those feelings he has towards those other people--aimed at himself (that is, cognitive dissonance). He can't see the things he's passed judgment on in himself and function. He's not like them; he's trying to fix things, to bring about justice.

Of course, there's justice as in "living in a just society", and justice as in "justice for the dead". But that's a later realization, because right now, everyone is still alive.

So John hides those parts of himself; from himself, from other people. So thoroughly he can exclude it from his consciousness and pretend it doesn't exist. He thinks no one sees the real depth of his own rage, his own cutthroat pursuit of a solution. And then, when he can't pretend it doesn't exist, he can still pretend to be the man he thinks they need him to be. He can "fool" them. He can say--he's trying. He screwed up. He doesn't know what he's doing.

And then, Casseiopeia says, No, actually, we know you, and we know you're horribly vindictive. And we're on your side--we're on the same side--our fight is your fight--and we love you. But your drive for revenge is seriously limiting your ability to imagine and create a living, just world, and that's what we're fighting for. Remember? That's what we set out to create.

And John's brain can't quite handle this; he can't imagine that they could actually see him and still be on his side. Because he couldn't see that and still be on his side. He can't forgive; he can't imagine forgiveness.

He can't see the things he's passed judgment on in himself and function.

And, by this stage, in some ways, it's already too late to change course. But this is one of several "come to Jesus" (no pun intended) moments where John could become aware of alternatives, or could change his behavior--and doesn't.

And I think this is where we get that self-awareness from, the thing that makes him creepy and tragic but also infuriating: He is aware, but apparently that's not enough to stop him from being his worst self--so is he just pretending to be moral? Capable of making different choices but choosing not to? And the weird statements he makes later:

This is, imo, not a power-hungry dictator who genuinely doesn't care about the cost of his throne, or a gleefully predatory abuser. This is a dude who's committed to a course of action and doesn't feel great about it. This is a guy who has violated his own sense of justice and has to live with it.

This is a guy who set out to save the world, killed it, and now the only thing that's left to him is to avenge it.

And like, from a mythology standpoint, that is exactly what the Erinyes are, like the Furies and Alecto. They are not the justice of Apollo or Athena. They are screaming for blood. They are hunting their quarry to the ends of the universe. They are chthonic.

Again: This isn't what Cassieopeia or Christabel said to him. This is what John has said to himself. This came from him. This is a reflection of what he believes.

And it encapsulates, exactly, why he erased their memories. Why he took away their agency.

The difference between him and many, many people is he had the power of a god and no one to check him when he was struggling with his own worst impulses. And then, he created a world where no one could, not just because then he could do what he wanted and pretend to be kind and loving and moral, but so that he would never have to lose the love of the people he needed.

Because, unfortunately, he still needed them.

It just took ten thousand years for the lie to unravel.