#that's how insignificant they feel
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Me throughout the 3.8 summer event so far
(vrant in tag)
#echoes#genshin impact#iydia#first of all if you enjoyed the event hey good for you#this is just my experience with it#i'm in a weird state as#i thoroughly ENJOY the setting#the games are fun#the exploration is fun#the choo choo carts (omg my beloved) are fun albeit certain issues#but the story its...#it's like cotton candy#looks interesting but it it lacks nutrients when you eat it#genshin doing the rwby route by pulling out more characters instead of investing more on the ones we already have#idyia is interesting ngl and i do wanna know more about her#but do we need the choo choo brothers#the directors#the cousin outta no where#and the other quest givers who turn up only to show you the minigames and nothing else#that's how insignificant they feel#i dont even remember their names#so far the only characters i actually enjoy are the ones that dont even speak- the hydro eilodons#also is it just me but the writting is very... elementary#exposition at every step#almost hand holding#also i feel like the synergy between the gang is lacking#and not a lot of chemistry goes on between them#also that one hidden area with the mural#god i hit esc so fast when i saw the letters#cant bring myself to really enjoy the story this round
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I have indeed been simply deleting asks that I receive about this, but I just want to say. I find it so discouraging that people are so thoroughly nation-state pilled that they think that the only way for millions of one group of people to be safe living in a geographical region is the existence of a nation state which is actively enacting ethnic cleansing on the other people in that region. GOD that's fucking depressing I'm so fucking depressed.
#I've been trying to find a way to state how I feel about this for months and months and months.#like I desperately need people to know where I stand on this because it's actually very important to me as a human being and as a Jew.#and I don't want to do it in a way that detracts from the people who are Actually suffering but like#I do think that the psychological impact of having this done in your name is not insignificant. its. really bad. its compounding a lot of#really bad things.#and i hate it.
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The Vast isn’t just about heights and the sky it’s about the smallness of the beholder it’s about looking into the sky at night and wondering how you can possibly matter in a universe of this size it’s seeing the ocean and getting vertigo as you realize how big the world is it’s people watching in a busy city and getting that feeling realizing you’re just a fleeting and lost memory in someone else’s life if they’ve noticed you at all it’s understanding that the people around you are full and whole people the way you are and you don’t matter to them it’s standing out in the middle of an empty field and seeing the horizon touching the grass and thinking is this all it is, is it just this forever
#empty fields scare me#I like the vast for how philosophical it can get#tma#the magnus archives#the vast#it’s abt feeling tiny and insignificant goddamnit#the sky is just the sky until you remember that you’re a dust mote compared to the lightyears of universe beyond
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A thing on Uran and Helena in Pluto
Okay a short little thing on Pluto. Uran and Helena are my absolute favourite characters in Pluto. Urasawa has always had amazing side characters, from Mr. Rosso in Monster to Lee Harvey Oswald and Jackie in Billy Bat to God in 20th Century Boys, but very few have tied off the emotional ends of the story like Uran and Helena.
Maybe I'm projecting here but much like myself I feel like Urasawa is absolutely obsessed with Frankenstein. And he recognizes the influence Frankenstein has on Dr. Umataro Tenma. Or at the very least, the similarities between the two. And so when he made the protagonist of one of his most popular works Monster, Dr Kenzo Tenma, he solidified that connection. Kenzo Tenma calls back to Victor Frankenstein needing to end his creation while also calling back to Japan's other famous Tenma, thus making the connection explicit. Another throughline between the three of them is that all three are father figures to their creations and have obligations to their children, though all three have varying levels of success with them.
I've only read what I like to call Urasawa's "Core Four", conspiracy minded thrillers that are essentially road trips featuring usually two main protagonists that we see the world through, Monster, 20th Century Boys, Pluto and Billy Bat. Though I still haven't caught up to Asadora and that could still possibly fit this mold, Urasawa's Core Four share a lot of themes and ideas. One of the most important being the responsibility for one's creations, whether it was Kenji Endo and the Book of Prophecy or Kevin Yamagata and Billy Bat or Dr. Kenzo Tenma and Johan, all of his protagonists could arguably be seen as someone with the need to take up the responsibility of their creations. So where do the protagonists of Pluto fit in there? That's where Uran and Helena come in.
But first, we should take a look at Pluto's themes. While I could be wrong, at a cursory glance, I feel like the general consensus towards it's themes is that it's about hatred. I don't really think that's what it is as I feel like Urasawa is more trying to show us what it is to be human and what it is to be alive. And in that, he has a hidden protagonist in Pluto. Someone who's influence snakes through the plot and isn't seen much, but without who the story's themes would remain incomplete. Pluto tackles what it is to be alive through many things, such as memory, sadness, grief, hatred, love and parenthood. But none of that works without the realization by Tenma of his own mistakes. And Uran and Helena bookend these revelations and are absolutley key to understanding that.
In my favourite chapter of the series, Chapter 37, Uran goes from person to person as she finds a way to deal with her grief and eventually comes across Tobio's grave, Tenma having left recently. It's an absolutely beautiful chapter that shows Uran's humanity and Urasawa's love for sharing these kind and soft moments. But it also sheds a light on Tenma as Uran realizes someone who was grieving has just left. Without saying much at all we realize that Tenma has finally realized his mistakes. In the process of grieving one son, he lost the other. While remembering Tobio, he let Atom go. His grief towards Tobio is clear in the following chapter, Chapter 38. All of the things he wanted Atom to be; Tobio come back to life, Tobio's ghost punishing him, Atom rejected. And Tenma could only see that rejection, and not what he had, another son.
Uran shows us very clearly what Pluto, the story, is. It's a chapter in their lives. And we've come into a story nearing the end for Tenma. And it's through the humanity of two absolutely amazing characters in their own right, Uran and Helena, that we are able to so fully understand Tenma. Despite being robots, these two characters are the most alive of everyone. They love fully and freely and are catalysts of change. Uran's vibrant and full of life in a way that really sticks out. And Helena has such depth that it's evident in every scene she's in. She's not pointed out to be made by any famous scientist so all the life she has is her own. These two represent the life of robot's more than any other characters in the series.
So it's that much more poignant when Helena finally breaks down after putting on such a strong front of everybody. Grief intersects and she brings out Tenma's sadness as well. They've both been putting up such strong fronts that it's heartbreaking to see them collapse. It completes Tenma's growth and strikes a heartbreaking contrast between the two. Tenma became the way he is through the loss of his son whereas Helena doesn't even get to remember her own loss. It makes you wonder if the grief for her and Geischt's child compounds her sorrow too.
Without these two and their grief, a large part of Pluto becomes inaccessible. Pluto is largely about death so when two characters come in who've never had a hand in the grim work of taking life, you see the world through a lens that's absolutely crucial in order to fully connect with all of the character's and their situations. Death and Grief has scarred the characters in Pluto. Time and time again they've chosen the worst path. They've chosen revenge and hatred. But Uran and Helena are different. Without them, the story is incomplete. They provide an alternative. They provide the path towards healing.
im sorry for this one:
#naoki urasawa's pluto#helena#uran#pluto#pluto anime#umataro tenma#astro boy#this was supposed to be short#also its largely unreasearched#i would need to read the original atom and read all of urasawa's other works and read up on the gulf war before tackling a proper piece#random thoughts I didn't put in:#something i love about Pluto is how each robot is a reflection of their creators in some way or another with Uran being Ochanamizu's love#the combination of jackie and lee harvey oswald will probably throw off so many people who don't know(totally not why I did it)#also God#honestly though no side characters feel insignificant in Pluto#Some more shared ideas between the Core Four are the burdens we carry and share and the importance of stories in our lives
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Okay I wanna show my favorite piece of Uprising concept art, it’s been in the back of my mind ever since I saw it
Look at that.
#I can’t quite put my finger on why but I love it so much#theres a serenity here in its light colors. for once the use of scale doesn’t feel used to show how small and ‘insignificant’ programs are#instead it’s used to show how all of these programs have their own lives. and they filled up this vast world with their presence#LOOK AT ALL OF THOSE LITTLE DOTS. ALL PROGRAMS. ALL LIVING LIVES.#all of this data all of these little lines and shapes making me think of renaissance art and research and the homo universalis#ripping all of this shit out of my heart bc I’m certain that wasn’t intentional. idc tho#like. programs have added so much to this world there’s humanity and life showing in this structure#its something CLU or anyone else can’t just take away as an imperfection#idk I’m still reeling over it and I saw this first like last year#tron#tron uprising#save#wanna come back to this n see it over and over again#I ramble
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Get away from me
#fields of mistria#fom#fom adeline#fom march#March the reason we don't talk during the week is because you're mean to me and I hate you#im sorry i feel like march has a lot of content in the game already either bc he was a favorite of the developers#or they (correctly) predicted that he was going to be popular#but it kind of makes me feel like the game is trying to push me towards him and i do not care for that#from the amount of events he gets featured in to how often NPCs are like 'no he's nice deep down!'#to him getting more overtly flirty dialogue when drunk & being framed as my rival#yknow all that#you are NOT my rival march you are an insignificant little blight on my life#my rival is Valen because it should be ME in a situationship with a condescending femme who i win over with my good heart#art
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#marketing class is... fascinating /negative so far#gender is too Not A Big Deal to me for this#it puts so much weight on how traditional gender roles influence shopping habits#which like. it's just weird to have to throw myself into that mindset of 'men vs women' for a grade#because in my mind‚ the lines between the two lean pretty insignificant#like i get it. i'm not here to cancel this random ass course skjskdsd it's just a weird feeling to have to consciously lean INTO that#like there are objective demographic differences and patterns but it feels WEIRD to be reading my textbook about how#you should market cleaning supplies to women and beer to men#like i know it's all just about numbers and it's literally not that deep but it feels offputting to me personally sdksdks
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.
#Seeing 9-1-1 fandom drama happening on the periphery of everything this week is so funny#like I cannot express how genuinely insignificant all of that feels right now#Block the whole goddamn fandom if you want. Protect your peace or do it just to be a bitch#Who fucking cares#None of it is that serious#tv: 911#jack.txt
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i saw somewhere i can't remember someone talking about a Buddha bathing ritual that happens on the fourth lunar month (typically falling on May). In Japan during the Hana Mitsuri festival, they bathe the Buddha with amacha, a tea made of hydrangea fermented leaves. This ritual is done so that everyone has a chance to introspect themselves so that they will reduce bad seeds, increase good seeds, open their minds, raise the seeds of enlightenment, make life more meaningful and bring happiness to all sentient beings in this universe.
Funny coincidence 🤔 /j
#if i ever find the person im 100% tagging them cause they sent me down such a rabbit hole#jjk analysis#jjk predictions#maybe thats how megumi gets out of that evil bath#thats why i strongly think hes gonna come back next chapter#I KNOW IVE SAID THIS 6 TIMES BEFORE#fushiguro megumi#i feel like we megumi fans should be just as delusional as gojo fans in megumi's comeback#especially with small insignificant details
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Confessions
It was almost like one of these dreams where you thought you were falling and woke up with a jolt. Rael’s scream and the image of A’viloh tilting forward over the edge and into the abyss - a falling sensation Rael themself had suddenly felt like it was their own - violently pulled them back from their horrible vision.
For the short moment it took to regain a sense for what was real and what was vision, Rael howled as if in pain, raising a hand to their mouth and almost falling to their knees.
Then, as they suddenly realised the imminent danger A’viloh was in, a shudder went through their body and their head shot up. As quick as Rael’s feet would allow it, the Viera jumped up and raced towards the place they had seen in their vision - hoping that it was not too late already.
Out of breath they reached the corner of the square from their vision only a few minutes later. Their burning lungs and muscles were nothing against the painful stab in their heart as Rael noticed that A’viloh was truly standing at the other side of the square. They had hoped the vision had all just been a strange imagination and not reality but there he stood, just like they had seen it.
The coldness crept back into their bones and a horrible feeling of helplessness threatened to make them freeze, while all of Rael’s thoughts only screamed one word. No!
Not sure what to do, with no idea how to prevent this disaster, how to convince A’viloh that he was wrong, Rael quickly moved closer. Loudly but in a soothing tone, though their voice was involuntarily shaking, Rael forced themself to speak up.
“A’vi…”
The Miqo’te at the edge of the plaza flinched and then slowly looked over his shoulder a little, as if the voice alone hadn’t been enough to tell him who was standing a few steps behind him.
“Rael?”, his thin voice asked and his face was covered in frozen tears. With a sudden wave of despair Rael realised they had no clue what to say. No idea how to fix him.
In their mind they already saw him falling...
No! No, this could not happen!
“What are you doing here?”, Rael asked as casually as possible, like there was a perfectly fine explanation for all of this.
For a second A’viloh seemed unsure, then he looked away.
“Nothing.”, he lied.
Rael decided not to point out this obvious lie and instead calmly asked, “It is cold, is it not? Should we maybe go somewhere else?”
But the Miqo’te remained silent. His ears stubbornly folded back, he avoided Rael’s gaze.
“Would you at least step away from the ledge a bit? Please, A’vi. Let us talk.”, Rael pleaded and offered a hand for him to take.
“About what?”, he asked with a strange voice, unusually serious for him. “There is nothing left to talk about…”
Rael could feel how they were slowly loosing him. But the right words didn’t want to appear in their mind. Only panicked yells and pleas.
“You cannot do this…”
“Why not?”, he asked sadly. “No one needs me anyway…”
“I need you, A’vi.”, Rael almost yelled.
But the Miqo’te shook his head and looked the other way again.
“No you don’t. I’m just a burden for you! This has to end before anyone else gets hurt…”
“None of this was your fault!”, Rael exclaimed, the despair all too audible in their voice.
A’viloh, with his back turned towards Rael, made a sound the Viera could not quite distinguish, a sound somewhere between a sharp laugh and a desperate sob. “Sure, keep telling yourself that. Quite a lot of horrible coincidences, don’t you think?…”
The way he said that made Rael angry. They knew that yelling at him probably would only make things worse but before they could stop themself the words were already out.
“You have got to be kidding me! You are such an idiot, A’vi! An idiot and a coward! Don’t you dare to tell me this is for other people‘s sake when in reality you are just too scared! Too scared of moving on and too scared of getting hurt again! You have not understood a single thing Haurchefant was trying to teach you. He wanted you to be happy, A’vi! Happy!! Do you honestly think he would want this? That any of the people you think you failed would want this? Are you too blind to see that their sacrifices were made so you could live? That they sacrificed their lives for you because they loved you? And now you egoistically want to throw your live away just because it hurts?!”
As a heavy silence settled around them, Rael already felt that this had been too much. With a new wave of tears welling up in his eyes A’viloh turned around and stared at Rael with a peculiar expression. A mixture of shame and anger for being called out like this but also hurt and a certain kind of stubbornness too.
“Maybe!”, he sobbed and finally admitted the truth. To Rael and to himself. “Yes, maybe I am scared! Maybe I am just a weak little coward! Excuse me for not being as clever and brave as you! But nothing you say will change that it’s not fair that they are dead and I am not! That whenever I look back all I can feel is the pain of what I lost. And it will also not change that I could never be happy knowing that all of this was my fault!”
Rael felt like they had messed this up entirely. Their eyes started to burn as they stepped closer reaching out for him. “I am sorry… A’vi… I did not mean…”
“No.”, A’viloh replied gloomily and was about to turn towards the ledge again. “I am sorry…”
“Wait!”, Rael suddenly yelled and then said something they had not expected to speak aloud themself.
“Haurchefant’s death was my fault, not yours!”
A’viloh froze.
This was Rael’s last chance, they knew this. Maybe A’viloh would hate them, maybe Rael’s magic would forever be lost if they broke this one rule. They did not know what would happen and they did not care. Not as long as it possibly could save A’viloh.
“I knew it would happen.”
“What?”, the Miqo’te muttered confused. “What do you mean?”
“It means that I lied to you.”, Rael admitted guiltily. “…and that we need to talk. Please, A’vi, step away from that ledge and let us talk.”
Visibly shaken by this confession A’viloh furrowed his brows. “No, you’re just trying to… Why would you lie to me?… I don’t understand any of this…”
With one last deep breath Rael finally revealed the truth. “I have visions of the future. I knew Haurchefant was in danger because I saw it. I saw it and I still failed to stop it. So instead of blaming yourself for his death, you should better blame me.”
Like a lost child A’viloh simply stood there entirely puzzled, like all of the sudden he found that nothing he believed made sense anymore and he didn’t know what to do or say next.
“Visions? Of the future?…”, he repeated as if these words lacked any meaning to him.
“This is why I knew you were here too.”, Rael confirmed as calmy as they could, while their heart was hammering in their chest. In a desperate attempt to convince him they stretched out a hand one more time. “Please, let me explain everything, A’vi…”
For a horribly long moment nothing happened at all. Everything was silent and motionless like frozen in time. Like fate had not quite decided yet which path it would choose.
Then hesitantly the Miqo’te made a step towards Rael and took their hand. Immediately he was pulled a few steps away from the cloudy abyss while Rael wrapped their arms around his body with a relieved sigh. A’viloh neither returned Rael’s embrace nor rejected it.
As Rael finally let go of him they looked him in the eyes and said, “I owe you an apology.”
“First of all you owe me an explanation.”, A’viloh replied blankly and Rael nodded in agreement.
Without letting go of his hand Rael talked for a long time while A’viloh just wordlessly listened. About how Rael had always heard the whispers of Golmore, about the visions that had led them on their journey, and finally about the omen they had seen but not taken serious enough before Haurchefant’s death. Rael did not try to justify their mistakes but at least they wanted to explain that their powers weren’t properly working anymore this far away from home and also why they hadn’t told him all of this a long time ago.
To Rael’s surprise there was no sign at all to signal they had broken the most sacred rule there was for the Viera. No sharp wind to bite them and no thunder striking down to punish them. Everything just felt the same as before. A’viloh on the other hand…
The thoughts racing in his head were plainly visible in his eyes. How his mind tried to make sense of all of this. “You mean you knew that all of this would happen before it even did?…”
“Not everything…”, Rael tried to correct him but A’viloh didn’t let them. There suddenly was something in his eyes, in his voice. Not exactly anger, but hurt? Disappointment?
“But you knew from the very beginning what kind of journey this was. That it would be dangerous and that people would get hurt. And you asked me to help you anyway…”
“Yes but -“
A’viloh’s ears folded back again and he almost hissed as he interrupted Rael.
“No! You knew all along that I don’t belong here. That I never belonged here. That I never wanted any of this! All I ever wanted-”
His voice broke off as he made another of these sounds that was half sob and half laugh.
Rael would be lying to themself if they said all of this had never occurred to them. Maybe they had just chosen to ignore it. But now that Rael thought about it, it made perfect sense. When they had seen him among the people of Silver Bazaar A’viloh had looked happy. As happy as Rael had rarely seen him at any other occasion. Had they possible demanded too much from him? Had he only tagged along for their sake when in reality all he wanted was to go back to a more peaceful life?
Rael didn’t know what to say. There was nothing they could say or do that would make him feel better. They just sadly looked at him as he shook his head and said, “I thought you were my friend…”
“But I am…”, Rael affirmed while also understanding how betrayed he probably felt.
“No.”, the Miqo’te said sharply. For another moment he looked at Rael, his expression full of disappointment. Then he turned around and walked away towards the lower parts of the city.
“Wait! A’vi!”, Rael called while fear rose up inside them again. “Where are you going?”
“Back to where I should have stayed before you talked me into all of this nonsense!”, he hissed without stopping or turning around.
Then he was gone and Rael was left alone.
They hated how hurt he had looked.
But they rather knew he hated them but was somewhere safe, instead of dead.
#ffxiv#ff14#final fantasy xiv#final fantasy 14#ffxiv writing#Rael Hyskaris#Aviloh Tia#What do you mean Avi is being childish now?#Sure he knows he should let Rael explain and that they probably arent to blame#but hear me out: As depressed as he is - I still think that deep down he doesnt WANT to die#he wants everything to be alright again and to feel safe but thats obviously not possible...#at least there is a tiny bit of survival instinct in him that sees Raels confession as a way to push away all the guilt he feels#and I think he really feels a little betrayed probably...#Rael knows everything about him there is to know and in return they kept such a secret from him.#I can also see him jump to conclusions thinking Rael knew a lot of the stuff that happened before it did and still let him get hurt#and with Rael's ability and destiny A'vi in comparison is probably just once again reminded of how insignificant he is#he just feels like this whole journey was one big horrible mistake#Lets see how he thinks about all of this once he had some time to think about it...
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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uh. vent art. or something. losing yourself and losing everyone who you cared about as a result
#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii#ii 2#ii 3#inanimate insanity cabby#. that's it#i'm. so so exhausted.#i feel like i'm actually going to throw up from how disgusted i am with myself#of course they wouldn't want to be friends w/me of course they don't like talking to me anymore#i am too broken to even be a good friend#hell even my best friend is leaving my side lately#i don't want to go back. i don't want to see them again tomorrow. i don't want to.#i don't want to feel like i'm insignificant i was doing so good why does it hurt why is it hurting now#i don't want to feel like death is the only solution i don't want to i don't want to be alone i don't want to be forgotten#i don't want to be unloved just because i can't fix myself anymore#i don't have anything to offer anymore i'm so so sorry i wish i did i wish i was still happy and healing#i wish i was i wish i was im sorry i can't.#sigh. well can't do much about it now anyway. uh yeah cabby is my mood rn. also talking about irl friends here.#god this was so bad i need to die rn#cw vent#cw sui mention#i guess#mhm. i think i need a therapist
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Another way to look at it is that we've all been living a nightmare for the past 4 years and just fooled to believe otherwise for the longest time. Nothing has changed, and nothing will unless the collective finally decides we've had enough. However, most people aren't ready nor willing to believe that. Not to mention our money has been going towards the slaughtering of people in other countries for years and years, without a cent given back to us. Broken country, but the system is working as intended to. For the complex, NOT for the people. Many of us really don't know how lucky we are to have the problems we do. You'll wake up tomorrow, just as you did today, no threat of imminent life-ending danger looming, while citizens of other nations die, funded by OUR TAX MONEY. We all need to assess our privileges, even at the smallest level.
Thank you for the privilege check and perspective. It is outrageous that regardless of who won, our taxes would continue to fund wars and genocide. The Democratic party brought this on themselves by continuing to support genocide, refusing to listen to the people, and moving the party further right with every election, but of course the blame will be put on third party voters (despite the math not mathing). The USA is a fucking joke and I’m ashamed to be part of it.
#I’m just feeling disheartened on a selfish personal level at how fucked up of a country we are living in#scared for my child and the children around the world#I look at my kid and imagine how fucking helpless parents in palestine must feel knowing they can’t protect them#it’s the worst feeling in the world knowing that you can only protect them to a point#and that the world at large is a dangerous place with terrible people in charge#and we are just tiny insignificant people who don’t stand a fucking chance#I’m just so scared for my kid to go out into this world with two moms and have her sweet pure heart crushed by cruelty#I’m grateful that she is physically safe and I am fortunate that I don’t have to worry about her getting blown up today#but jfc it’s still awful to think about what her life will be like#it’s still awful to be called a groomer simply for being a lesbian with a kid#not as bad as death ofc but I think I’m still allowed to feel a certain type of way#at the end of the day none of this would be different if a D or R was in office#hate and violence will always exist because humanity sucks ass
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I don't know how you've all experienced the year 2024, but I barely witnessed it, and I've been fighting for my life
#I've been in a constant state of flight and stress#there's been disaster after disaster#I didn't do a lot of fun things#and the things I did#I didn't enjoy very much or I don't remember them#I remember them as a fact (a mark on my calendar) but barely a memory let alone a feeling#I lost motivation for work and I fucked up a lot#my highs and lows have changed six times a day#like biblical proportions mood swings#lots of anger and sadness but they've barely registered either#way too much awareness in the present which was overwhelming but I haven't remembered them afterwards#or it just felt insignificant and boring#lots of doubts about myself lots of questions#it's been one crazy fucking year#usually I have some big grand plan or idea of how I want to do better next year#but now I'm just like ehh#which just raises more questions about wtf is wrong with me :)#haven't had a single day where I didn't wake up with a tension headache or pain in my neck or shoulders#or a single day amongst people where I didn't get agitated angry hurt feeling rejected#which hasn't happened all that much the past ten years so that's crazy#lots of old feelings. that I can handle now. no breakdowns or extreme sadness#it's just weird i dont understand myself at the moment#too lazy to grab my journal#(have been too lazy/bored/tired all year to spend any time on hobbies)#so the big rant goes here#I hope in 2025.... I get to calm the fuck down#i dont have a big plan or idea. I just want peace... and enjoyment...#looking back at my resolutions for 2024 is sad#im like that was me only a year ago what Happened?#personal
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are there any books you'd recommend for Isabelle of Angouleme?
Hi! I’m really not an expert on Isabella of Angouleme so I'm probably not the best person to ask for recommendations for her. Here are some I've heard of, though I haven't read all of them:
"Isabella of Angouleme: John's Jezebel" by Nicholas Vincent (King John: New Interpretations). I haven't read it myself but I've heard good things!
“Maternal Abandonment and Surrogate Caregivers: Isabella of Angoulême and Her Children by King John” by Louise J. Wilkinson (Virtuous or Villainess? The Image of the Royal Mother from the Early Medieval to the Early Modern Era). It focuses more-so on Isabella's tenure as queen, the period shortly after John's death, and her decision to leave England. Despite what the title may imply, it's sympathetic to Isabella and analyzes her situation in detail.
“Co-Operation, Co-Rulership and Competition: Queenship in the Angevin Domains 1135-1230” by Gabrielle Storey, her PHD thesis which collectively focuses on Isabella of Angouleme along with Empress Matilda, Eleanor of Aquitaine, and Berengaria of Navarre. You can read/download it here, it's an excellent piece for all four women.
Sally Spong has written/is writing:
Isabella of Angouleme: The Vanished Queen (Norman to Early Plantagenet Consorts). You can see her conclusion here. It's nuanced and sympathetic, though not without its issues and pre-conceived notions.
Isabella of Gloucester and Isabella of Angouleme: Female Lordship, Queenship, Power, and Authority 1189-1220 (PHD thesis University of East Anglia).
“Isabelle d’Angouleme, By the Grace of God, Queen” by William Chester Jordan. You can read it online here, though I will say that it's ... very very questionable, accepting the sensational claims of lot of unreliable sources (including the idea of John abducting Isabella in a fit of uncontrollable infatuation) entirely at face-value.
“The Marriage and Coronation of Isabelle of Angouleme” by H.G. Richardson, available here on JSTOR.
Isabella has also been the subject of two complete French biographies till date:
"Isabelle d’Angoulême, reine d’Angleterre" (Aquitaine: 1998) by Sophie Fougere.
"Isabelle d’Angoulême, comtesse-reine et son temps (1186-1246)" [Actes du colloque tenu à Lusignan, 8 au 10 novembre 1996] by Gabriel Biancotto, Robert Favreau and Piotr Skubiszewski.
There are also a few blog posts about her (here and here) which may help if you want a brief overview of her life, though they can get a little sensationalistic sometimes.
Hope this helps! If anyone knows any others, please feel free to add on!
#I'm so sorry it took so long to answer! I'll add more if I find them#ask#Isabella of Angouleme#angevins#Sally Spong's chapter on Isabella is...complicated#It's detailed and sympathetic and I think it highlights some interesting aspects of Isabella's life#But it's also dependent on her own very fixed pre-conceived notions re Isabella's role as queen#Spong takes issue with other historians' observations about Isabella but...doesn't actually try to debunk the views herself?#It ends up seeming as though she's deliberately missing the point#And I think by reading things in the best possible light she ends up downplaying what may have been complicated experiences for Isabella#For example she disagrees with the idea that John was constraining Isabella's role by highlighting her ceremonial presence at court#But historians like Wilkinson HAVE highlighted this as well and emphasized how the 'ceremonial importance of Isabella's position as queen#consort and the dynastic significance of her maternity' were recognized and honored#But that does not discount or nullify the way Isabella's role does seem to have been constrained elsewhere by John#Namely her lack of control over her lands (many of which were granted away by John) and probable lack of access to queen's gold#Along with her absence from charters and the notable lack of prayers for her welfare save a single exception in 1204#Spong also disagrees with the idea that Isabella was excluded from her son's governance after John's death by highlighting her#presence at his coronation and (months later) at the peace talks between England and France#Which is - again - sort of missing the point??#*Yes* - Isabella's presence in both those occasions is certainly interesting and important when talking about her life#But that does not change the fact that Isabella seems to have been either remote or excluded from central government#She was not directing or working with the council in terms of governance but seems to have been at a distance from power#Which is made even more clear when we look at her charters: her witness lists were comprised of more or less politically insignificant#figures and included no men associated with her son's regency council#It's a striking contrast to the former roles that Empress Matilda and Eleanor of Aquitaine had for their sons#With those very dynamic precedents in place I do think Isabella's remoteness from her son's government is very notable#And I feel like that's...very important when discussing her decision to return to Angouleme?#But because Spong is keen to view Isabella's circumstances in the best light possible she sort of dismisses these discussions#& potential difficulties#It got rather frustrating to read
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#why do i feel guilty about being sad?#like logicaly i know that i should be allowed to be sad about their death#i was their friend and they died that is worthy of being sad#but i just feel like#i didnt know them as well as other people#i feel like im making it like my whole personality right now#like im just turning this into some big fucking pity party for myself when i was nothing but an insignificant speck in their life#when there are so many people more worthy of being sad than me#just#the last thing i ever said to them was a fucking joke about how id get revenge on whoever had cursed them with cancer#i never got to really say goodbye#i should have known#i should have said goodbye#i should tag this a vent post so people can block and ignore me right now shouldnt i#vent post#im sorry
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