#there is a guy i went out with for maybe two weeks non consecutively and i hoped he’d be there so we could catch up

[peppermintack]

you know what. i went to my high school reunion in an outfit i would never have worn in high school and i talked to people i thought i’d never talk to and i had such a great time

[thebestofoneshots]

WOLFSTAR X READER SERIES

Gilded Constellations | THE INTERLUDE

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Summary: You meet Sirius and Regulus at a family vacation in the Caribbean, but things don't go as planned and you end up losing contact once the trip is over. Years later your family moves to England and you get accepted at Hogwarts where you finally meet Sirius once again, along with all of his friends. One of them with a mysterious secret, that you'll uncover as you embark on your own Hogwarts adventure. This IS a wolfstar x reader fic, but it's incredibly slow burn. They won't start all dating each other until we're very deep into the story, but I promise the long wait will be worth it.

Hey Lovelies, welcome to “The Interlude” of Gilded Constellations. We’ve basically already gotten to 100 k words in this story and that’s absolutely insane!!! Which is why I thought of doing a little thing where I could interact with my readers. As a thank you for being there and supporting me so much through this journey. 

And so… this little Q&A was born. Those who didn't get to ask their questions, don’t worry my darlings, my ask will be open all week for you to ask whatever you want. It’s a mini event that will last from today ‘till next wednesday. 

But yes, it does mean this week we won’t get a new chapter D: 

Don’t worry, it will definitely be worth it since the next couple of episodes are two that I’ve put absolute extra care on crafting, and I will put just as much care on revising. I’ve been quite literally posting non stop for 15 weeks consecutively. That’s almost 4 months, what?!?! 

I needed my tiny lil break, besides I wanted to dedicate this bit of time to work on my Maraudween Special smutty series that will include some interesting mini AUs, so those that read my other stuff and not just Gilded Constellations will be quite literally treated this Halloween. There will be a lot of posts these next few weeks. Although, I might be releasing some of the Maraudween stories at the beginning of November. Unfortunately, I’m not a machine and I can’t write in seconds like Chat GPT. 

Without further ado, let’s get on with those questions!

Where did you get the inspo for the fic?

Oh my god if I tell you guys about this… It all started when I was in class, sometimes when I’m bored, my little mind starts to wander. I’m a total daydreamer, I can’t deny that, but at that moment in particular I was quite literally thinking of nothing and everything at the same time. And then, out of nowhere, this phrase came to me: 

“You look at them the same way you looked at me when we met…” 

And I was like, “omg that’s so freaking angsty” and “That’s a great freaking line for a poly story” And I quite literally wrote it down with a little tag that said, “-the start of a poly relationship story because I’ve never read enough of those.” 

And then I closed the notebook and went back to class. But I guess the idea had already set in my brain because next thing I know, I’m writing down more things down. And let me tell you, before Gilded Constellations I only wrote Oneshots because a story seemed like too much commitment. So I kid you not, I wrote down: 

“Not a short story, but maybe a 3-5 chapter long fic”. 

Jokes on me though, we’re 15 chapters in, like 20-something written and we’re probably going to end up with longer than 200k words and I’m not even sorry about it. Besides, I'm really pumped to finish it because I want to get it printed in Lulu and have my own little copy as a “Damn you wrote that.” kind of evidence thing. So worry not about being left with an unfinished fic, I’m going to complete this story even if it’s the last thing I do. 

Besides, if I’m being honest, when I’m not writing, I miss my boys, so I’ll definitely miss passing the time with them when I’m done with GC. (Luckily I’ve already got another series planned and spoiler alert: This one will be Poly!Marauders x reader, a lot spicier aaaand, PIRATES.) 

That’s how the fic started, well that and a dream that was basically most of Chapter 3 and I thought it was so cute that I wrote it down and then I was like, “hold up, this could be the start of the Poly story I was talking about…” 

Are there any real-life experiences that influenced your writing?

Well I mean, I’d say that art imitates life and life imitates art, but in regards to real-life romance I don’t really know that much. But there are definitely some things here and there that have been sprinkled from my real life into the fic. Not sure if I could think of a particular one but I can say sometimes Remus gives me the same vibe that a boy I “used to” have a crush on. “Used to” in quotation marks because I kinda still do even if we haven’t seen each other in years. 

So I guess a lot of Remus comes from my crush, but also Remus is his own little boy as well and I love him more for it. Even If I’m torturing him so much with his heartache, I promise it will be worth it Remus, reader and Sirius will take care of you, eventually. 

Other than that, I guess I like to pay attention to things around me, you’ll see me looking at nature, the sky, the way leaves move, the way people interact with each other. Especially at that actually, I like to pay attention to people, how they move, how they interact, and their reactions. Sometimes I do it irl, and sometimes I just watch movies or series, and since my writing process is like seeing a movie in my head and then putting it into words, it’s always useful to pay attention to the world around me. Even if I sometimes struggle to put into words exactly what I’m seeing in my head.  

Did you already have everything planned, or did you just go with the flow? If you have already, how far? all of it? Or just some chapters ahead? 

Well, yes and no. I do have various key points of the story planned, a lot of plot points that are going to happen and that’s kinda what I’m sustaining myself on. I know the big points and then I just have to write what happens in between them. And I’ve got it planned all the way ‘till my babes all start dating. After that, if I’m honest I’m not sure how I’m going to end it. Some parts of me want to go for the saddest ending possible because it would go along with cannon and the other side of me, the one that can’t bear to see my boys being sad, wants to just deviate completely and/or leave an open ending. 

But so far, I really cannot tell what exactly I’m going to do, I just know that time will tell. Because sometimes the characters just do what they want and I love to see where they take me. Which is why the ending is not set in stone just yet. 

Without giving too many spoilers, can you tease upcoming plot twists or surprises we can expect in future chapters?

My sly little foxes have already guessed some of the major plot twists that are upcoming in the story. And there definitely will come some surprises along the way, some you will love, some you won’t so much. But I promise you it will all be worth it! 

Remember in Gilded Constellations, everything happens for a reason. 

THE FANCAST

What's your fancast for the fic? Did you pick the reader too or just leave it be? //  I wanted to know if you have a fancast for everyone…

I did mention that I basically see stuff as a movie in my head right? So yes, I do have a fancast! Although I most definitely see James as Aaron, Sirius as Ben, Remus as Andrew and Peter as Dane, I have also twisted them in my brain. Like it’s them, right? But my version of them. Like my Sirius is so fucking ethereal in my head that sometimes I myself blush with his beauty. And Remus, well, he is probably most similar to Talita Asami’s from instagram. Especially this one. 

There’s something about the way she contrasts his soft features with the scars that’s just perfect. It’s that sexy pirate vibe I cannot get out of my head, if that makes sense.  But also I’ve been toying with AI lately (Talkie) and ended up with these two versions of Remus and Sirius and they have absolutely taken over. 

Sidenote: I made way to many of these, so do tell me if you wanna see them.

The reader: Uhm… well, I kind of just see her as me, hehe. Which is kind of the point, you should all just see the reader as yourselves, if you’re comfortable with that of course. 

The rest of our babies though? Lily Evans, Marlene and Mary, are kind of like the boys as in I see them as their fancast but also not entirely. And Lily especially, she’s just so freaking pretty in my head, there’s no one I know to match her, all thought Sophie Skelton and Kennedy Walsh (@/c4tluvr666 on Tiktok) are super close. 

Now, outside of canon characters, aka all of these OC’s I’ve been creating with time, some of them do have a fancast and some of them don’t. Let’s focus on the ones that do, because some of them I literally had in my head since the very, very beginning of the fic. 

Tom Harrow- This boy actually started as a younger version of Tom Hiddleston in my head, but the more I wrote him, the more he said, “Luv, that’s not what I look like!” And, almost out of nowhere, baby Tom Hiddleston became Rober Sheehan, and let me tell you, it stuck. And it stuck so bad there is no way I could see Tom as anything other than Rob. Especially with his role as Klaus in Umbrella Academy having a rather similar personality in the entire open-minded spectrum that he’s got going on. And, talking about teasers, this boy is actually going to be a key point on the romance between our golden throuple to develop, so keep an eye out for him. I love him so much tbh.  

Then we’ve got Beth Doxon, this girl is my wifey, I freaking love Beth so much and if you’ve been paying attention you may already know who I based her off, at least in looks. It’s Anya Taylor Joy as Beth Harmon in Queen’s Gambit, redhead queen (can you tell I really, really like redheads?) . Also that’s why she has such a strong character, even if my Beth is a lot more of a Party Animal than the original character. 

Alexander Wood in my head is just a carbon copy of his son Oliver, but in Hufflepuff, and the rest of the Quidditch teams, I’ve got a good idea of what they look like in my head, but not really a fan cast for them. Suggestions accepted. 

Well, except for Minho Yun, since his role in the story is going to be as a pretty strong supporting character, in fact, he was meant to be somewhat of an alt love interest that was going to help build Sirius’ jealousy, but in the end, I decided to completely scrap that to further develop him as a character. Some interesting things that you’ll actually learn on the GC Halloween special. Oh, and Minho is actually based on Sang Heon Lee (on looks) and Ki Hong Lee (on character, specifically on his role in Maze Runner). Had I based Minho on the character of Sang Heon Lee who inspired him, we would have way too many slutty boys in the same room, with Tom and Sirius and him, It’d be chaos, which is why he ended up being a little shier. 

Nox, Neil and Todd, literally are just Nox, Neil and Tod from De*d Poets Society. I was rewatching the movie to nail that boy friend group interactions and to get in the Dark Academia Vibes and I wanted to give my boys a happy ending. 

Also Neil just gives me the most massive Prongs vibe I cannot.

And lastly, there’s Nina Blythe. Nina to me is a totally angelic girl, I’ve got a very vivid picture of what she looks like in my head but I don’t really have a fancast for her. Maybe a little bit like Aurora (the singer), in regards to her soft features, but Nina has longer hair and it’s a little wavy. I kind of think of her as a girl from a Renaissance painting, emphasis on girl, since she is supposed to look younger than she is. Any ideas for a fancast? For her and for anyone I missed, I’m completely open to your suggestions. 

THE TEACHERS

Professor Nightshade is definitely Eva Green from Miss Peregrine or Jessica Chastain from Crimson Peak. She’s got that tall,  regal and dark but elegant vibe to her that is just so freaking gorgeous and awe-inspiring. I totally have a crush on Seraphina, can you tell? 

Professor Aurelius Spellman is kind of inspired by Kingsley Shackelbolt. However, if I had to cast someone for the role it would be Djimon Hounsou, he has that attractive and rough vibe to him. Like scary, demanding but also alluring things going on, he’s just got the magician type I suppose. 

This one’s going to be silly, but I can’t imagine Kettleburn as anyone other than Gobber the Belch from HTTYD, like, take away the horned helmet and give him a pointy hat, and boom, Kettleburn ladies and gentlemen. Down to the messy personality, honestly. 

And Donovan Pendragon (the teacher for Magical Theory) I feel like he isn’t mentioned enough, because I literally had no idea what his name was even going to be and I just left a line for it until I was editing the chapter before posting. So he doesn’t really have a cast. He’s caucasian in my head, but that’s about all I’ve got from him. Any ideas? 

Do you have any headcanons for any of the characters and their relationship that you haven’t talked about in the story? 

REMUS: Well I feel like this one has been talked about several times in the story but Remus being a beast in bed? I feel like everyone loves to tease him about it in the castle but to me, he’s also a total soft boy? Like especially the first time, I feel like he’s going to be so overwhelmed by both Sirius and Reader that he will basically just melt in the hands of his lovers. 

SIRIUS: Smitten little puppy of my life. 

SIRIUS AND REMUS: They’ve totally kissed in the past. At least once, and Remus still dreams about it. Sirius, well… maybe he’ll get some memories of it every now and then.

READER: My girl thinks she’s so freaking smart and yet is the most oblivious to her own feelings; she could be considered an idiot. She’s also so selfless it hurts, but like literally. Also, she loves flirting with Sirius way too much. Still, they definitely will need Rem in their relationship because there is no self-preservation sense when her personality is just as chaotic as our Puppy. Side note: Remus will 100% blush when she starts flirting with him in the same way he does with Sirius. And let’s not talk about what a tomato he will be when Sirius does it as well. 

PETER: He kinda disliked the reader at first, especially since he felt like she was taking away his friends, but eventually he warmed up to her, and loves their friendship. 

LILY: She enjoyed the kiss with Reader, and it made her realize she’s totally bi, because she also enjoyed the kiss with James. 

TOM: My boy is clever as hell and he knows a lot more than he lets on. Also, he secretly ships the golden throuple. 

BETH: She’s Tom’s bestie and she knows a lot of things too. She will also ignite chaos with the ultimate goal of being Gryffindor Tower’s own cupid. Do you think what happened at Marlene’s Party was a coincidence? 

REGG: My beautiful Reggie is still sad about the incident. He’s still trying to find a way to reconnect with you and it pains him that you think he’d rat you out. Even then, he values the fact that you are with Sirius and that you’re helping him through everything that’s been going on, especially since he saw how red Sirius’s eyes were when he left the Black’s house with a trunk in hand sobs stuck in his throat. Reg cried like a baby that night, just wishing for time to go by as fast as possible so he could go back to school and see his big brother again. (I’m so sorry for that guys).

MINHO: Has a secret crush and you would not believe me if I told you who it was. 

NINA: Has a secret crush and some of you have probably already guessed who it is. 

DAMOCLES: You don’t know him yet but omg he’s just so clever, thank you Kles for existing.

And let's be honest, I totally have a bunch more of this but I think this is way more than enough, for now…

Out of all the chapters so far, what’s been your favorite?

This is too fucking hard to decide. But If I had to choose my top three, and in no order in particular, I’d say, for the released ones:  

Fooled around and Fell in Love

Because, can we talk about the kiss scene? I feel like this one will come back bite my kiddos in the back so they finally realize what they actually fucking need. 

Do Ya 

I’m a total sucker for Sirius, what can I tell ya? But also the flying scenes were so much fun to write, totally an adventure to go through, still among my favs. 

Maybe I’m amazed 

“Do you like Golf?” 

From the unreleased episodes: 

Tonight’s What It Means To Be Young

The calm before the storm. Or is it the storm before the storm? 

Bad Moon Rising 

The FUCKING storm. But also one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. I think I like action scenes a little too much.

*** On The Run

The storm continues. But also, the calm after the storm.

Do you have a playlist that you always listen to when you're writing? 

Not a specific playlist, but I have been listening to a lot of ‘70s rock. Things like Queen, Bowie, Boston, Foreigner,  Kansas, Fleetwood Mac, Nazareth, The Police and some others. All of them help me get in the mood for writing. At least in the mood of the era, if that makes sense.

Aside from the ’70s classics, I’ve also been listening to a lot of Lord Huron, Hozier, and Aurora (I sort of discovered her recently and I’m obsessed with some of her songs). Also some of The Killers, Dotan and Vian Izak sprinkled here and there. Bastille and Imagine Dragons are always and forever so of course they wouldn’t be missing from my list. 

But when I’m struggling, like really struggling with writing, then I go to this Best Instrumental playlist, where they have everything from the Narnia and Peter Pan 2003 soundtracks to Vivaldi and Ghibli.  It really does help with the concentration. 

How long for the guys to understand that they fancy each other? 

Well, when you say the guys do you mean Sirius and Remus? ‘Cause then it’s not thaaaaaat far away from now. Now from then to them all dating, well…

I know Remus kind of struggles with feelings, and probably even more now that Sirius and the reader are together. But when he's gonna say "hey, can I come in?" 😏 lol I just want them together so baaaad!

Ahahahahahaha, Well that’s not exactly how it���s gonna go, but it’ll happen sometime after Christmas.

After wolfstar and the reader get together, the fic will end? or we're gonna have a lot of them together to compensate for the agony? 🥺

I’m not sure about the ending yet, but I’m definitely going to add so much fluff of the three of them together that you’re all gonna get cavities. Also, I’ve been writing The 5 Senses and the Halloween special (that might be finished until after Halloween) to practice for the spice, so I’m def compensating for the agony. 

Also, I kind of want to explore the social implications of being in a throuple, of making that public in the `70s. Seems like a whole lotta issue bringer that kinda interests me… Sorry, you’re not completely getting rid of the angst even when they’re all together. 

I don’t remember if I already asked you about this, but as a Regulus’ wife, I need to know. He'll come back, right? She will talk with him and he will be able to explain everything to her? I need this, I really need this! I can leave without this closing. THEY NEED TO BE FRIENDS AGAIN!

Your husband is safe with me. I promise. I’m not gonna say it’s gonna be very soon, but he will be safe because I love baby Reggie and I too can’t stand him being mistreated either. 

Not a question. I just want to say that I really love this story. It's one of my favorites, and I just put it on my masterlist for how much I love it.

Aww shut up, I love you so much <3

Will we have some Sirius jealousy? ‘Cause I'm really interested in that. Oooh... will he notice that Reader and Remus are... more than friends before they even know it? I dunno, he's just oblivious about everything around him. 

Funny that you ask, yes we will have a lot of Jealous!Sirius, in fact, it’s a huge part of how the throuple will develop. And you will have it so soon, even if it’s not exactly what you expect it to be. I can’t wait for next week!

And in regards to noticing, well… Sirius is not going to be the most oblivious about his own feelings in this story. I mean… not always.

Are there any particular scenes or moments in your story that were especially fun or challenging to write?

Well, I’m actually finding it a lot harder to write stuff atm, so I’d say the limbo between the Bad Moon Rising Arch and the next big thing that’s going to happen has been the hardest. Especially since I’m already going to get to a key point in which some shit is going to go down and I’m still not sure how bad and angsty I want to make it. Don’t worry, our golden throuple will be alright but…

In regards to fun, I must say the parties are some of my favorites, Potion Pong was incredibly fun to write ‘cause I literally transported myself to it and it was like actually living it, even if it was in my head. Also the flying scenes, they’re always fun to write, the race was incredible tbh. 

I love to write the fun banter and the teasing too, it brings me joy. But I bet you could tell I’m one for the teasing from the very first chapters of Gilded Constellations. 

Nina fancies Reader, right? She does. I just need a yes. I already know that 😌 

( ≖‿  ≖ )

Can you share any behind-the-scenes trivia or Easter eggs that readers might not have noticed in your story?

I feel like there’s a lot of behind-scenes I shared so far but I guess I could share a few pics of my organization systems. Things like…

Your schedule: 

The cover:

Some of you have already been theorizing about it too, you can look at some of those theories over here, and here, and also here.

Alt Covers I designed but weren't chosen:

Something you might not know:

GC is also available on Wattpad and AO3. The AO3 chapters usually drop like 30 minutes or an hour before Tumblr because it's easier to post there. And the Wattpad releases are actually way behind in comparison (there isn't much engagement over there).

Some Shots of my Plot notebook (0 spoilers): 

And also, have you noticed the special little thing in the names of the chapters? 10 housepoints to whoever notices

I just thought of this, but what if we make a little housepont system and from things that you guys guess of the story you get housepoints and then we have a houseprice in the end? OMG I'd love to do this, if you're on tell me your house in the comments. So far Sytherin would have like 40 points just beacuse of dear @cometsghost and I'm not sure what is @blacksgarden house but they would also have like 40 pts.

How do you stay motivated and inspired to keep writing, especially in moments when you might experience writer's block?

It may or may not be healthy, but I just force myself to type? I never really have writer’s block, rather I’d call it writer’s overload. It’s when I’m running through so many possibilities in my head and I can’t pick which is the one I want to go through with. So I keep thinking about it and I don’t type. Which is why I just force myself to type, more often than not I’ll end up writing something I really like. 

And as for the motivation, honestly just getting to see my boys again. To be able to submerge back into Hogwarts, that’s enough motivation. I seriously get an urge to go back because I miss them. It's kinda crazy. Like I might be chilling at home and suddenly the thought “I wish I was at Hogwarts” crosses my mind, not even joking. 

The other motivation is finishing my book so I can get a printed version to place in my bookshelf and show it off. Not that anyone would know what it is, but I’d know, which is enough, hehe. And also to be a better writer, they say you should write every single day, which is kind of what I’m attempting to do with GC. By writing a chapter every week, I literally force myself to write every single day, even if just a couple of words. 

Can we have cute moments with Remus? uuuh, Will he be cute when she notices that she really likes him?

Yes! We can have all the cute moments with Remus. Even before they all notice they’re into each other, we’re gonna have so many cute moments because even if Reader is dating Sirius I can’t leave my beautiful boy on the sidelines. Besides, how can I torture him if he doesn’t get a taste of how good it would be to be with them? 

What can readers look forward to in the next chapters, and do you have any long-term plans or goals for GCs development?

Angst. Don’t hate me for this. But also comfort, and some fun little adventures and then a bit more angst, hehe…

Well, that’s the end of the questions I got sent ahead. Hope you enjoyed this rollercoaster of a Q&A. If you have any more, or if my answers have provoked further questions, then by all means, share them with me, I’d love to be able to interact with you a bit more. 

Love ya, Lily xx

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Nostalgia sells - or does it? About BBC’s rehiring of a previous showrunner for Doctor Who as a marketing strategy

All, right, this is the one where I deal with my issues about RTD’s rehiring from the standpoint of BBC’s business strategy . Brace for passive agression, swearwords, brief history of british television and numbers. So, so many numbers.

Allright, so I already wrote a post about my problem with RTD’s (re)hire from the creative standpoint (it’s here in case you’re interested), but hey, I can bitch about it all I want, but we all know what caused the BBC to make this decision, right? You’ve heard about it for sure. The Dropping Ratings. You’ve read about it on so many posts, lots of them probably oh-so-gladly conflating this fact with their own opinion about the deteriorating quality of the show. (Don’t worry, we’ll get to that.) So Obviously the execs at the Big BBC Quarters needed to do something about it, and what better way to go than rehire a guy who’s run at Doctor Who is a warm childhood memory for so many in it’s fanbase? After all, it’s what we’re seeing nowadays: from Star Wars return to wave of 80′s nostalgia to every old blockbuster star doing a comeback, there is but a single conclusion - nostalgia sells.

Or does it?

Part One: Moving with the change; or very much refusing to.

Let’s start this off with some facts about the ratings for Doctor Who. (Well, I warned you there’s gonna be numbers, didn’t I. Stick with me, I’m going somewhere with this I promise.) In it’s beginnings, in the sixties and seventies , the series flown high, averaging a viewership from 8 up to 10 million viewers per season. Collin Baker’s series 17 brought in a record of 11.21 milion viewer asses in front of a good ol’ TV screen, real champagne opener here. But, as it happens, things were downhill from here. During the eighties, the rating started dropping steadily, reaching an all-time low of 4.15 milion couch-warming bottoms in 1989, the last season of the classic era. 

Years passed, 16 of those years to be exact, and here comes our saviour RTD. Under his wings, the revived series premiered, bringing in over 10 milion viewers to the premiere episode of season 1, Rose. A viewership this high did not last for long, but still, RTD’s seasons averaged between 7 and 8 milion viewers per season, which seemed pretty respectable. But then, as the story likes to repeat itself, not unlike the bbc execs just did, along came the decline again. Ever since 2010, the ratings began steadily dropping again, from 7.95 in 2010 to 5.46 in 2017. Then DW experienced an unexpected peak in 2018 with the premiere of Jodie Whittaker’s first season, which averaged 7.96 viewing asses, but then continued the dropping trend on the next season, averaging 5.40 viewing butts.

So what went wrong?

You see, part of the reason that Doctor Who was bringing in such great viewership numbers in the 60′s and 70′s, was that, to put it simply, BBC did not have much competition. Or, to be exact, only had one competitor. ITV was literally founded in order to break BBC’s monopoly over British television. But in the 80′s, with the launch of Channel 4 and Sky, the british viewers had more and more options to choose from. So logically speaking, they no longer had to watch BBC’s programming just because there was nothing else on. There was more and more new programes to boredom-watch. And here’s something y’all need to know about the tv industry: the boredom-watchers, the casuals? That’s the most important demographic. As hard as it might be to swallow, us hardcore fans, forum dwellers and Ao3 gremlins, we’re not as big of a group as we’d like to think. Loving fans are important to the tv execs as providers of word-of-mouth advertisment, but the real numbers come from the casual, everyday viewer who will just put on the next episode cause the other one was kinda fun I guess. Or more fun than the other options, anyway.

And this is why, by the way, when someone is conflating low viewership with the show Dissapointing The Fans, they’re full of shit. I’m sorry, but we’re really not that much of a force here, definitely not enough to make such a big impact on the numbers. Another factor, that some of you probably noticed already, is that the numbers I’m quoting are from british tv only, while the online fandom is very much international, so our opinions matter even less to the british execs, I’m sorry again, hard pill to swallow I know, but true nonetheless.

But I digress. So, to sum up the previous paragraph, Doctor Who’s viewership decline in the 80′s was the effect of the changing landscape of the TV industry, with which the BBC struggled to come to terms with.

Sound familiar?

Let’s move on to the 2010′s, shall we?

2010 was is actually a good marker of a year to choose, because it marks one important thing that begun a big change in the industry. This was the year in which Netflix expanded their services overseas, from being a DVD rental company to providing VOD services. Over the next decade streaming services grew in importance, from being an add-on to your cable TV that you didn’t really want but they were throwing it in for cheap, to very much self-sustainable media services you might very well buy instead of buying the cable. And if you look at the numbers for Doctor Who viewership declining over the last 10 years, that’s precisely what’s been happening. It’s not that people don’t want to watch Doctor Who on tv, they don’t want to watch tv in general. Do you know what was the most popular channel in Britain this year? Can you guess? Fucking Netflix that’s what. It’s just slowly-yet-steadily ceasing to be the way we use home entertainment anymore. Again, not much to do with the audience approval, because for that matter, let’s see about the specific episodes that saw the spikes in viewership. 

Rose, which i mentioned at the start of it, was for the longest time the unquestionable queen when it comes to viewership, at 10.81 milion. The next episode, The End of the World, pulled in 7.97 - almost 3 millions worth of lost viewer-butts in one week? Is it because it was so much worse than it’s predecessor? No, it simply did not have the smell of Newness, the Event You Must See, and as such brought forth less of the casual viewers who were simply curious about The New Thing. The next season followed the similar formula, peaking at the premiere, when the marketing was at it’s strongest, going down during the season, sometimes rising slightly for the finale, sometimes not. The most popular episodes are, of course, the specials - yet again, the vibe of The Event To Be Seen worked here, but one more thing working to their advantage is they often aired in spaces between seasons, serving as both a long-waited Crumbs of Content for the fans, and the basically stand-alones for the casuals. Do you know what the single most watched episode of revived DW is? No, it’s not Tennant’s goodbye with the role (yeah I know, I thought it had to be that as well). It was Voyage of the Damned, between seasons 3 and 4. The perfect standalone for the casual watcher. And last but not least, you know one more special feature that brought, maybe not as much, but definitely more than expected? The 1996 movie Doctor Who, with 9.08 million. Again, a perfect standalone.

But the standalones aren’t the only way to grab the viewership. The currently-highest viewing non-special episode of DW? The Woman Who Fell to Earth, Jodie Whittaker’s introduction. In 2018 no less, in the year when the streaming was the ruler supreme, this episode brought a whooping 10.96 million buts to the good ol’ TV again. Let me reiterate: this episode brought in more viewers than Rose did in 2005, while having WAY more competition and way less favorable circumstances of release that RTD’s debiut did. Not only that, it managed to bring on some numbers for the entire season as well, not as good of course as the premiere (because again, the Event vibes faded), but still brought a better average than the last six seasons did. (Again, let me reiterate: more than the last SIX seasons. More viewership than any series since 2010, since the Streaming Wars.) So clearly, this must be the way, right? Catering to this Weird New Trend, that saw directors notice there do in fact exist other actors than white men, that surely brought in some profit, even Marvel does it now, right? Out with the old, in with the new!

Part 2 The Deceitful Charm of Nostalgia

Well, it turns out the whole Doing New Things deal didn’t work out that well after all, now did it? The second season penned by Chibbnal averaged 5.40 milion, that’s 2.5 million drop from the previous one! It must mean it didn’t work, right? Well, yes and no. As much as the refreshment of the formula as simple as Let’s Put A Woman In It absolutely worked for one season, it very visibly did not hold up for longer. An Event-Episode is something that can still happen on TV, Event-Series? That’s pretty much reserved for streaming now, if you think about it, and it’s honestly kind of a miracle that Series 11 did as well as it had. Two consecutive Event-Series on network tv? Flat out impossible. 

So how to make those ratings great again? How to get those butts in seats of the Good Ol’? Well, the execs of the BBC have a plan for that. They brought in a devouring beast, and it’s name is: Nostalgia.

Without a doubt, there is a number of people who feel nostalgic about RTD’s era of Doctor Who. It’s a lot of people’s fond childhood memory, or the series they started with, and judging by the numbers, there should be quite a lot of them. So the new plan, as it appears, is to get to those who maybe lost interest in the show and lure them with the promise of the thing That Is Totally Like The Thing You Used To Love, Remember? (This is why I don’t actually think that RTD will be allowed to do anything new and interesting, that’s not what they hired him for. And that’s why I think this is bad from the creative standpoint.) So there are two questions here: One, will the people be lured? And two, for how long?

Nostalgia as a marketing strategy is something that you’re probably sick of seeing already (I know I am). But it has very much been effective on many levels, especially the eighties-baiting, Stranger Things style, can bring a new IP up to relevance. But what about old IP’s that want to have a comeback? 

It’s kind of dificult to find another TV show that I could compare to Doctor Who. Most series that have been running for that long are mostly soap operas, that operate on slightly different rules, and are also targeted to a different audience. So as much as the movie series is still not exactly the best comparison, when I think about a big IP, campy sci-fi, family-oriented (at least in theory) on its path back to relevance, I think about Star Wars, obviously. The Force Awakens gambled on that nostalgic feeling and won big, but the next two movies, while still financially successful, were nowhere near the astounding success of the first one. And that’s because - you guessed it - it created the Event You Must See again, The Great Comeback, but merely two years later, the comeback became old news. So what we can gain from that is that nostalgia can create an Event as well as a new trend, if not better. But the question remains: how long will that last?

That is, after all, the main difference between a movie franchise and a TV series in the traditional, network TV sense of the word: movie franchise must bring in the viewership every year or two, and TV series must bring in viewers every week for at least two months. Is RTD’s Nostalgia Vibes enough to provide for that?

I’ll say this: I’m absolutely certain that the 60th anniversary will be very popular. I still don’t think it will break any records because, as I’ve been trying to explain for this whole post, it is not 2007 anymore no matter how much the tv execs would like it to be. But ironically, the almost-certain success of the special is the very thing that could undermine the effect of bringing their precious Nostagia Boi back onboard. Remember, the first Event Episode is The Big Oof. That’s the one that gets asses to the Good Ol’, if anything ever does. After the first big event one, that’s the point when things start going down. They’re wasting their Special Event Boi for something that already would be an event, dear fucking gods, I hate your plan and I would still execute it better. Either have RTD be the Anniversary Guy and then hire someone new, use that hype and keep it going, OR have RTD come in after the anniversary, then at least you get the Event Effect for the premiere of his first return season. Fukin’ amateurs.

But even if they did that, here’s the thing: do you think that the people who departed from the show years ago actually want to watch another three to five seasons of The RTD Show? I mean, I’m sure the thought warmed some hearts, for sure. A number of people will definitely gladly watch the anniversary, probably the first few episodes of the first return to the basics, but after that? In the world when, due to streaming, they have an easy way to revisit the actual thing they’re nostalgic towards? I honestly don’t think so. And you’re not really gonna get many new people by going back, if that nostalgia factor isn’t there. And then there’s casual viewers, the backbone, as we established. And here’s the thing: lots of those people don’t even know who the current showrunner is, cause they’re not Terminally Online like we are, and the second thing? Lots of those people ARE JUST NOT WATCHING NETWORK TV, IM SORRY GARRY. They’re just. They’re just not. I don’t know how to spell it out better. Even my mum has netflix now. Your biggest base is in another castle mate, gotta get moving and gotta get moving quick, cause here’s another thing: all the nostalgia in the world will not do SHIT for you if your target, people who were kids/teens when the RTD era was airing, PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING TV ANYMORE CAUSE THEY MOVED OUT OF THEIR PARENTS FLAT AND LOTS OF YOUNG PEOPLE JUST DON’T BOTHER. Just. I’m sorry but you’re trying to resuscitate a decade-deceased corpse there buddy. It just won’t work. The times have changed and you gotta swim or drown, and it’s just not gonna be 2005 again, no matter how hard you pretend it is. It’s not your content it’s your business model. Just push more marketing for your iplayer or whatever, focus on streaming as your primary not your secondary cause that’s just what it is now, and maybe don’t rely on the viewer-counting systems of the yesteryear to evaluate your business. Or else you’re gonna get stuck sacrificing the creative growth of your show for a marketing strategy that probably won’t even fucking WORK.

There, I got it of my chest. Feel free to reblog, and also: you somehow got to the end of this, congrats! I’ll make numbers nerds out of y’all yet.

[hongjoongtrasher]

the beauty and the beast (chapter 2)

word count: 5k around

angst, fluff, smut

triger warnings: mention of child abuse, violence etc.

series masterlist

Synopsis:

When you move to a new city due to your father's job, you don't expect to stay for a long and so decided not to get attached to the world around you.

But still, you are "the new girl", unwillingly attracting people's attention because of your family's background. Your strict father expects a lot from you, not to say perfection. And when you are sit next to a certain Jung Yunho, you didn't expect your life to take a radical turn

Yunho always have been hating wealthy people. Or just people who were boasting about all the damn money they had and he hadn’t. Oh maybe it was childish to hate richer than himself, but he didn’t hate them for no reasons. He always felt disgusted by their pity, the way they would just «burn some cash » because they could, because they had too much. He concluded every rich guy was like this, and you weren’t an exception. At the very moment his eyes landed on your person, he could instantly feel this familiar aura. A daddy’s girl, probably richer than everyone’s parents in this school. And just the fact of you sitting next to him was driving him crazy.

He ignored you all the time. And he was glad in a way you didn’t try to talk to him, because he would have snapped all his hatred he was feeling towards people like you. But for a fact, he could admit that you weren’t acting like other rich kids around. The way you flinched when his friend was about to lift his hand at you, also the fact you were lonelier than he thought. Oh yes he indeed noticed you being the silent girl around, and at first he thought it was because you were the new girl, and that it was just a facade and soon or later you would just boast like the others.

It’s already been two weeks since you arrived here and yet you were as quiet as usual. You tried to acclimatize to every thing but as the good girl you were, your father thought it was a good opportunity for you to get into extra classes. Last night, you came back home near midnight, exhausted by this long day after studying like crazy. That’s why you didn’t even care to look at Yunho this morning when you sat down, as usual not peeping a word to him since the incident on the rooftop. Actually you tried to flip over and over again the same problem. Why he hated you this much ? But after some days, you understood he was hating every one the same way. Skipping classes, or when he was making act of presence just sleeping on his desk became the routine but today he was here. You quietly opened your bag to settle your pencils and workbooks. Yunho’s back facing you while he was probably taking a nap. Your English teacher came and when she started the class, she stated. « Alright guys, today you’ll be paired up. I want you to improvise a short sketch with what you learnt this past week. Just pair up with your neighbor. You have fifteen minutes »

Your eyes widened at her statement as you felt your heart throbs violently into your chest. Being in a team with Yunho was probably the last thing you thought which could become true today. And speaking of him, you heard a groan next to you, making you freezing as he slowly turned to you before staring at you.

« Just telling you, I don’t have a clue of what she said, so don���t expect me to do well »

How nonchalant he was at this moment almost made you scoff.

« You should have been here then. » you groaned back while opening your notebook.

His brows quirked at how you answered to him.

« Someone got more brave huh ? » he said before straightening on his chair and looked at the textbook of yours on your desk and took it to read the last two pages to your astonishment.

« Didn’t bring it, so I’ll just use yours. » he explained as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

« Great. » you answered and just scribbles some words on a page. You didn’t want to waste your time for such a jerk like him? At least you would have done your task by yourself, just for yourself and not him. You couldn’t let Yunho drag your grades down…You couldn’t just relax yourself.

Some silence installed between you two while others students were trying to do the task your teacher asked, but instead, Yunho took time to actually look at you. Somehow you looked exhausted, non to say to the verge of fainting. Your lips were pale, and dirk circles could be seen under your eyes.

« Didn’t sleep well last night ? » he asked randomly as he pretended to read the book under his eyes.

You badly wanted to ignore him. What the heck ? Just few weeks ago he openly said he hated you so you just accepted this fact and now he was chatting like you as nothing happened ?

« Studied late » you answered drily.

« Ha, I see you went to those extra classes which are costing your butt’s skin. »

You offered him a dark glare, making him look into your eyes. If course he wasn’t attending any of this, so he couldn’t really understand the situation you were in.

« And ? Is it going to change your life ? »

He shrugged.

« No, but I guess you’re a hardcore student » he hummed before he took his pencil to write down some words on his own paper. « Must be so boring » he added mockingly.

You wanted to answer back to him and spit how rude he was from the first place. You acknowledged the fact your life was boring as fuck, you were the first one to say it, but there were limits to making fun of this matter. Soon your teacher clapped her hands to catch everyone’s attention.

« Alright guys, it’s time. Who want to go first ? »

It was the usual game of « I don’t know what you’re saying », essentially based on avoid your teachers’ eyes and doing as you was busy enough not to make her choosing you. Your teacher smirked. « I see everyone’s eager to go, soooo…Y/N and Yunho, you go first. »

You panicked a bit, because except this little conversation you both hadn’t talked at all about your coed work. But Yunho didn’t seem bothered by this at all and stood up with his paper and just nudged your shoulder so you could stand up and go to the front with him. What was he playing at ?

Actually you thought Yunho was someone who didn’t give a shit to studies. His consecutive absences were not helping for his case but surprisingly, he opened the sketch with a good English. So good that you were surprised, making you go blank for a second. He looked at you before moving his lips silently « Y/N. » You shook your head and continued this weird play. At the end, your teacher seemed satisfied by your work and allowed you to go back to your sits so the next pair could go on.

When you sat down again, you looked at Yunho again.

« I thought you would’t do well » you mumbled.

He laughed lowly and it troubled you. It was the first time you heard him laugh. The first time he wasn’t showing hostility to you.

« You may think I’m a lazy ass, but I got some things stocked in this » he whispered, pointing at his head before leaning back on his chair.

Classes ended soon for the usual lunch break. Yunho got up and got out of the room without a word for you, as usual. Today you decided to stay into the classroom to eat. You never went back on the rooftop since you met the three boys. As you were unpacking the lunchpack you got from Sookja, you just took some time to think about this morning. Was Yunho being nice to you a sign to be more suspicious of him ? You were into your thought when you heard a voice calling your name.

« Y/N ? »

You looked up and saw a girl standing at your desk.

« Huh…Yeah ? »

She smiled to you and said.

« I’m Jisoo, erm…we’re in the same class and…I…Would you like to eat lunch with me ? » she asked shyly.

You were flustered by this sudden proposition. It was the first time someone was reaching out for you since you were in this school. Jason was a petite girl, with shorts hair and pink round cheeks. She looked nice so you couldn’t say no.

« Of course, but…mh, are you sure ? I’m not a good company » you confessed, embarrassed by this.

« I figured out you were eating alone every day and mhhh, I…just want to know you better you see ? I mean, don’t get me wrong ! I’m not approaching you because you’re the newbie or rich girl around ! »

You chuckled at her answer and made some space for her to eat your lunch on this tight desk.

« Thanks…actually I don’t feel like eating with a lot of people » you mumbled, peeling a boiled egg.

Jisoo looked surprised by your statement.

« Why not ? Well, people aren’t trying neither but…It would be a pity to let you out right ? You seem nice, so… »

Jisoo unpacked her own pink lunchbox where cherry tomatoes and egg roll and others nice things were lying inside.

« That’s cute ! Are you cooking it yourself ? » you said, trying to make a conversation.

She nodded with a proud smirk.

« Yes ! I like cooking, but since I’d pack too much I’m doing basic things. You ? Looks good as well. »

« Mh…Actually I don’t know how to cook » you answered uneasily.

« Oh must be your mom then ? »

It was a slippery subject, but since Jason made the genuine effort to come and talk to you, you didn’t feel like making up lies.

« I don’t have a mom���Huh, I mean I have one, but my parents divorced when I was little and…never seen her since » you mumbled, eating piece of kimchi.

Jisoo’s expression went bad and you could easily know why, so you quickly said.

« It’s fine, don’t worry, I don’t try to see her neither so I’m used to. Instead we have a housekeeper. She’s making my lunch every day, so I guess it’s like a mom. »

« Oh…I’m sorry still. I didn’t know »

You gave her a comforting smile as you two ate your lunch peacefully, getting to know each other’s better.

« Say, I saw you this morning with Yunho… Is he nice with you ? » asked Jisoo out of the blue.

You almost had forgotten about your gloomy classmate, so you hummed in hesitation.

« He’s a jerk, the first day I arrived he just openly said he hates me » you groaned, packing back your empty box.

« He hates every one outta here » Jisoo added, not seemed surprised. « But…there are a lot of rumours about him » she said lowly as if she was scared someone would overhear her words.

You arched a brow, curious about those said rumours.

« What kind of rumours ? »

« He’s fighting a lot with other people, basically a bad boy. You’ve seen it already, but he’s skipping classes a lot and no one really knows what he’s doing. » Jisoo explained. « I’ve never seen him hitting someone myself, but …be careful ? I don’t want him to hurt you or anyone else around »

Was he this terrible ? The image of Yunho laughing this morning was still lingering into your head. So you just nodded at her advice. It was almost time for classes again so Jisoo left you and friendly waved her hand at you before going back to her desk while other people were coming back. You expected Yunho to skip class again, but surprisingly his tall figure appeared before the bell rang. He got back to his desk and again laid his head on the desk, ignoring you in the process.

It was Korean history class, and it would be a lie to say it was boring as hell. Although you were still taking notes of every thing, Yunho was still acting like a dead body. He didn’t say a word to you for the rest of the day. And at 5pm sharp, you got out from school to go to your extra classes. You’re still drained from your day, and the idea to study more was giving you a headache. By chance, you were allowed to go alone there, taking the bus.

That’s how Yunho saw you walking to the bus stop while he was going to his motorbike, helmet in his hand. You were a weird girl. Never before he got interested into a girl, all being the same when it comes to approach him for his bad boy vibe like. Bullshit. He hated those childish girls, but surprisingly you didn’t have this side into your attitude. Again, Yunho was shocked to think about you from time to time. « Get yourself back Jung Yunho » his conscious told him before he saw the bus passing by his eyes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Days were flying by and your first mock exams were coming at the corner. You had worked like a slave for this days, sleeping few hours a night to study more and more, the menacing shadow of your father planning above your head. Jisoo was eating lunch with you every day since. You girl got closer after few days and you considered her like your friend. She was the first person to hear about your familial situation and the gape, or more the ravine between you and your father. You must say it was a relief to be able to confess every thing to someone exterior to your house.

Jisoo seemed pissed off when you told her you were used not to get attached to people due to you moving almost every year to another city.

« That’s so awful ! » she cried, grabbing the carton of fruit juice you got from the machine.

« Yeah…My father is a stone cold asshole » you mumbled, the straw between your lips.

« Girl, when exams are over, let’s have fun alight ? Fight me if your father says no ! »

Jisoo was so cute. You couldn’t imagine this little girl tossing her fists at your father, but somehow the image was funny. That’s how you promised you would.

This day again you had to go to extra classes, and today was really a day you wished someone would ditch you from this living hell. Waiting at the bus stop, you were spacing out when you heard the sound of a roaring engine before it stopped right before you. The man on the moto lifted the smoked visor on his helmet to reveal his face. You heart stopped when you recognise Yunho. You didn’t know you he could drive such a thing but he seemed proud of it as he smirked to you.

« Need a drive ma’am ? » he asked.

What the fucking hell ? One day he was ignoring you like a ghost and another day he was talking to you and now proposing you to ride his moto ?

« Wha- I don’t understand, what are you trying to do here ? » you groaned back as he stabilised himself and just throw at you another helmet.

« Wear this. » he ordered without answering your question.

You looked at him in hesitation. Was he serious ? Or was he trying to drag you into another salty problem ? As he could read into your head, he rolled his eyes.

« I won’t throw you over a bridge you know ? »

« Huh…So tell me what are you trying to do ? I’m utterly sick of your hot and cold game. One day you’re saying you’re hating me, fine. And another one you’re actually trying to convince me to ride on a motorbike with you. »

« Get on, we’ll talk later » he groaned, glaring at you which intimated you.

Soon enough you were at the back of the motorbike, and before he drove, he took your arm to make you hug his waist tightly.

« Don’t ever let it go. If we fall I’d rather you fall with me than the motorbike » he explained.

You were about to protest, but he drove, making you instantly hold him tightly. It was the first time you were being driven on a moto, and the air going through your hair, the warmth of Yunho’s back against your chest was a total discovery for you. You were scared, not to say terrified. But Yunho was really driving carefully, although he liked to make his engine roar when the road was clear. When you weren’t scared enough to focus on his back only, you tried to see where he was going, and soon recognise the way to your extra classes. How did he know ? After some more minutes of furious roars, he stopped in front of a building you could recognise. He waited for you to get off the engine so he could as well get off.

Taking off the helmet you took a giant breath, your heart beating like crazy.

« How was the ride ? » he asked in a tease, watching you regaining strength.

« You’re crazy. Absolutely crazy » you hissed, shoving his helmet in his arms. « And how did you know it was here I was going ? »

Yunho couldn’t tell you he once followed you until there. Actually, he didn’t know himself why he had followed you, but after some days when he came back there, he saw your figure through a window, totally exhausted almost dozing on your work. Something made him stay here for a while, just watching you from afar this day. You were the representation of what he hated the most, and yet you were just a normal girl, acting like a normal girl. Moreover you looked so tired every day, and he was just wondering until how far you’d push yourself to be this perfect student.

« I just figured it out when I came one the neighbourhood with Hongjoong and some friends. We are hanging out quite a lot here» he grumbled. It wasn’t really a lie right ? Hongjoong and Yeosang were living in this area, so they were meeting quite a lot after classes in the neighbourhood.

You rolled your eyes before staring at him in confusion. Why was he being nice all of the sudden ?

Anyway, you needed to go, having enough of this nonsense.

« Thanks for the ride, but don’t hope to get me on this bike from hell any sooner » you groaned before taking your lead inside the building, not paying a look at your classmate.

Yunho smirked and shook his head.

« Bike from hell… »

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hours passed, and when the clock showed around ten, classes ended. You sighed and rubbed your eyes from exhaustion, slowly getting out the building to see the motorbike was still here. But not Yunho. Looking around, you tried to see if he was around. Seemed he was not. While admiring his black shiny engine, you got lost in your inner thought again. It was so strange for him to act this kindly but none without saying dangerously toward you. And the fact he discovered where you were studying was still a mystery for you, not totally convinced by the total luck of him running on this place.

« It’s maybe a bike from hell, but still pretty right ? » a voice exclaimed at you, making you jump.

Yunho was back, a bag in his hand from the CU, the nearby convenient store. You crunched up your nose. Why was he still here ?

« I met the guys, and was about to go home. » he explained again as if he could read your thought.

« Oh what a coincidence ! » you mimicked still not convinced if he was lying or not.

« Y/N I’m not lying, Hongjoong literally lives two blocks away from here. » he said seriously.

You sighed and turned around to leave. But when you walked past way his position he asked in a relax tone:

« I got some ice cream, want some ? »

It was going from dumb and dumber. Seriously you couldn’t put a finger on his weird behaviour. With a suspicious look you were about to say no, but he cut you.

« Your brain needs sugar. It’s past ten, and you’ve been studying for four hours straight. I guess you didn’t have diner too huh. »

« And what does it concern you ? » you snapped, turning to face him. « It’s not as if you would be this concerned for someone you hate right ? I don’t understand Yunho, I don’t understand you and your attitude. »

Yunho bite his lower lip, knowing himself he got in a weird situation.

« Yeah I know I said I hated people like you, but I didn’t say I hated you » he mumbled.

There was this embarrassing silent again, only the noises of the city filling the icy atmosphere between you.

« People like me. What do you mean ? Did I do something wrong to deserve this attitude ? » you crossed your arms, decided to cleared this shit.

Yunho felt uneasy to talk about it, but somehow he didn’t want to stay in a bad relationship with you. Instead, he took a ice cream from the bag and handled it to you.

« Eat, I will explain it to you after. » he mumbled, looking away.

You gave him a glance but finally took the ice cream, your stomach making you remember you were starving at the moment. It was a vanilla strawberry ice cream. You almost laughed by seeing this.

« Didn’t know you had so girlish tastes » you said ironically putting the ice cream into your mouth.

« I got mine, what do you mean ? I knew you would maybe get out at this hour and I just felt like buying you this » he justified himself by taking his own ice cream, green tea flavoured.

You both sat down on the empty academy’ stairs to eat your ice creams in silence. There were so much questions you wanted to ask, trying to figure out how to deal with him.

« I’m living alone with my mom. My dad and her divorced when I was ten or something. He was violent dude and was hitting my mom, so he got arrested by the police when the neighbours got fed up by the every day fights. But the thing is…we always had financial problems because of this bastard. He borrowed money from loan sharks, an astronomical amount and got my mom in trouble even after he got arrested. » said Yunho, blankly staring at the floor.

All you could do was listening to him. Surprisingly, you never imagined something this horrible would have happened to him.

« My mom sold everything she had to give the money back, so we lost our house and now we’re living in a small studio. Even though she’s working, her salary is just enough to cover the rent and the rest is going to those loan sharks. »

His voice was weak, almost silent as he felt his barriers falling down. He looked so fragile, his broad shoulders shuddering slowly, his dark hair covering his eyes. You felt your heart sinking at his reflection.

« Of course I wanted to help her as soon as I could get a job, getting some part time jobs but she wants me to focus on school. » he laughed bitterly, watching his ice cream melting. « I’ve soon been taught that school wasn’t going to make things better. And people knowing about my family matters were just doing things out of pity for us. It drove me crazy. I hate people boasting about how nice it is to have money, how nice it is to be a normal happy family and just feel the others like shit. »

That’s how you figured out why Yunho hated rich people. And how he probably thought you were the same as the others he could have seen before. The bitterness you were feeling towards him vanished in an instant. How such a tough guy like him could appear so broken ? How hard must it have been for him all those years ?

« I…I’m sorry. » you muttered, not really knowing how to carry on.

« No, it’s fine. I’m aware you’re from a wealthy fam, but I figured out you weren’t like those bitches gossiping around. » he said, taking back some composure as he ate a part of the leaking ice cream.

« But…How are you doing ? I mean, are you eating correctly ? » you asked, genuinely worried about his health at the moment.

He chuckled and looked at you.

« My grand parents are supporting us. » he said, ruffling his hair with his hand. « The only time I worked during summer break, they refused the money. That’s how I got my moto »

There was another long pause, before you felt the cold liquid from your ice cream falling on your hand, making you yelp in surprise. Yunho smirked and laughed lightly, watching you fighting with your ice cream.

« Eat, I’ll drive you back home…If you let me to, I mean » he said, rubbing his nape after finishing his own snack.

« Alright, but don’t even think of doing the rodeo on the way back. » you grumbled and get on.

Once again on Yunho’s motorbike, you watched the city streaming before your eyes, neons of all colours leaving particular marks in the dark night. The cold air now hitting your body made you hug Yunho’s tighter. You didn’t know how to feel towards him. But you understood the situations he got through and up until now, you thought you’d have done the same if you had to be in the same game. But it wasn’t a game. You knew Yunho wasn’t a real bad guy. Things forced him to do tough tasks. You were ready to forgive him, as long as he promised at least to be this hostile to you.

When you arrived near your big complex, you made sign to Yunho to stop right before the actual building. He turned the engine off and let you get off his moto. Taking off the helmet, you gave it back to him but he stopped you.

« Keep it. »

« What ? But .. »

« It won’t be the last time you will get on this Y/N » he said with a smirk. « But anyway, why did you make me drop you here ? I could go to the right building »

« Erm…I rather not. My father could see this and…I guess he wouldn’t like seeing his daughter riding a motorbike with a boy he doesn’t know. » you spurred out.

Yunho raised a brow at your comment about your father. He barely saw him at your first day but he seemed like a strict man. He nodded.

« I see, well…See you around ? »

« Yeah…if you don’t skip classes » you giggled, relaxed by this friendly or at least less hostile conversation.

Yunho scoffed and ruffled your hair, which surprised you.

« Maybe. »

Then he sent you off, waiting for you to go inside the building before driving back to his empty home. He mostly had said the truth to you, but he voluntarily omitted to add his mom got admitted to the hospital weeks ago. And he didn’t want you to pity him furthermore.

When you stepped inside the silent apartment, you noticed your father’s shoes weren’t at the entrance, meaning he wasn’t home. You sighed in relief, hurrying yourself to hide the helmet in your room, under your bed. Only Sookja got a glimpse at you rushing at your room.

« Y/N ? Is everything alright ? » she asked while she was in the kitchen.

« Yes ! Every thing is alright ! » you shouted back at her before going back to the kitchen to eat the late diner she prepared you.

Sookja took a look at your face. You were indeed tired, but something had changed. She could feel you were less, stressed ? The old woman sweetly smiled to you watching you eat.

« Did something nice happen today at school ? » she asked innocently, aware you normally aren’t really openly talking about your school days.

You looked at her, enjoying the warm soup after the cold weather you faced on Yunho’s bike.

« Erm…Yeah we can say that » you mumbled, slightly embarrassed but yet excited.

Sookja was a confident. You could tell her anything, she would never repeat to your father. She waited for you to keep on.

« There is a ..classmate of mine. At first we were like cats and dogs you know ? But today we sorted things out and I guess it’s fine now »

« I’m glad to ear this sweetie » she said in pure relief and joy for you. « Have you made friends ? »

« There is Jisoo ! She’s a part of my class as well. She’s a really warm person » you said, after taking more bites of rice and others side dishes.

Your housekeeper was happy to know you were getting a better life than you have had until now. She hoped some day you would be free from your father’s influence and fly by your own wings. That’s how she was thinking and wished the most for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After this strange night, days have been more packed. The day of your mock exams, you gave it all, knowing that although it was only a mock one, your father wouldn’t let it pass. After giving back your sheets, you and Jisoo were talking at the cafeteria. The petite teenager stretched and sighed.

« Y/NNNNN ! What should I do ? I’m sure I’ll fail ! »

« Don’t say that Ji’, I’m sure you’ll do well »

« It’s easy for you ! You always have good grades. » she pouted.

« I wished I could have less than 100 believe me » you groaned.

From the corner of your eyes, you glimpsed the tall figure of Yunho with Mingi and Hongjoong. He was sitting with them with the same expressionless face he used to put on at school. But when he was sitting next to you during class, he didn’t ignore you anymore, nor tried to nap. He was surely warming up to you, but it seemed he wasn’t ready to let his friends see him this way with you.

« - today ? » you heard Jisoo’s voice.

« Mh ? Sorry, I wasn’t listening » you said, going back to your friend.

Jisoo pouted again before following your gaze and leaned near to your face with a teasing face.

« Guuuurl, it seems you and Yunho got closer or is it me ? »

« Gosh, Ji ! It’s not what you think ! We just sorted things out, but we’re not friends or things like this » you mumbled back, embarrassed by her behaviour.

« Well, that’s not really the impression I have. Did you remark he’s not skipping classes lately ? »

« Maybe he got enlightened by God to study ? » you suggested in a grin.

You both laughed and today, you felt relieved as you didn’t have to go to extra classes, the academy being closed for the spring break that was soon arriving. Somehow, you convinced your father to let you go to Jisoo’s house for the weekend, heavily pretexting she wanted you to tutor her for the real exams. He seemed suspicious, but since your school grades were good so far, he didn’t have any objections to make.

While for packing your bag, you received numerous notifications on KakaoTalk. Jisoo created a group chat with the others kids who were going to come at her house for the weekend. Mostly girls and maybe some boys, but it didn’t really matter for you only the fact you had the chance to spend time with your friend, making some other friends ?

You happily answered to the text saying you’d come by yourself at the indicated address and time before locking your phone again. When you were almost done packing, your phone vibrated again but this time wasn’t the group chat. « Jung Yunho » appeared at your screen, leaving you speechless for a moment.

윤호

Need a ride for this weekend ?

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[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 286: VESTIGE ANTICS ARE A GO

Previously on BnHA: Deku was all “what’s the record for most consecutive bone breaks within the span of a single minute” and, without waiting for an answer, proceeded to unleash roughly 17 Smashes onto Tomura. Kacchan was all “THAT DOES IT, I’M TAKING THE REINS OF THIS SHITSHOW” and carried Endeavor and Shouto up to where the action was so Endeavor could hit Tomura with a Prominence Burn. AFO was all “Tomura would you rather burn to death or let me take over your body” and Tomura was all “...” and so AFO TOOK OVER and was all “STABBITY STABBITY” and used his Stabbing Quirk to do some Good Old Fashioned STABBIN’. First he stabbed Endeavor, and then he was all “hee and now I’m gonna stab Deku”, but Kacchan was all “SIR THAT’S MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RIVAL” and so he rushed on in AND GOT HIMSELF STABBED INSTEAD. And so basically THIS PAST WHOLE WEEK HAS BEEN A RIDE, LET ME TELL YOU.

Today on BnHA: Kacchan is all “sup Deku lemme just downplay how I totally took this fatal blow for you just now” before he dramatically passes out and is caught by Todoroki “BTDUBS I CAN FLY NOW” Shouto, who is also carrying his dad because the kids really are just doing it all, here. AllForRaki Tomura For One is all “HAHA BAKUGOU IS PRETTY DUMB”, at which point Deku just LOSES IT ENTIRELY and ASCENDS INTO A NEW PLANE OF FURY LIKE A LITTLE GREEN RAGE BUDDHA. But then like two seconds later Tomura is all “ANYWAY, SO” and FUCKING TOUCHES DEKU’S FACE, CAUSING THE TWO OF THEM TO ASTROPROJECT INTO THE FREAKY OFA/AFO MINDSCAPE BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS BANANAS. Vestige!AFO is all “reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated but aren’t you glad I saved your life though, Tomura”, while Tomura is all “!!” because he’s hopefully starting to get A Clue, and meanwhile Deku just stands there watching all “what the fuck.” The chapter ends with SHIMURA MCFUCKING NANA showing up all, “HI, I HEARD SOME BITCHES WERE TRYING TO HAVE A GIRL POWER ARC, AND THEY DIDN’T INVITE ME.” Go on, Nana. Give ‘em hell.

you guys. I’m not normally one to take pleasure in another human being’s misfortune. BUT THAT SAID, there are exceptions to every rule, and so let’s just say certain events have transpired early this morning which have PUT ME IN A VERY, LET’S JUST SAY, NOT-TERRIBLE MOOD which this chapter will hopefully improve upon!!

oh my god Deku’s one non-fucked-up eye that he still has control over is SO WIDE YOU GUYS

hmm I know I shouldn’t be all (゜▽゜) while the two of them are all (； ▼ Д ▼) (⁰ Д゜;) ... and yet here we are. btw I’m worried tumblr’s formatting will ruin those two emojis which I worked so hard to get just right so I’m gonna repost them on another line here just in case

(； ▼ Д ▼) (⁰ Д゜;) that’s them. Kacchan and Deku. my boys 

HERE COMES THE CHEESY “JUST GOT STABBED BETTER PLAY IT OFF ALL COOL!!!” ONE LINER OH MY GOD

(ETA: really love how my son, with what for all he knows could be his dying breaths, decides that the absolute most important thing is to preserve his selfish asshole facade so as not to fuck up his status quo with his rival. “LOOKEE HERE I GOT MYSELF ALL STABBED AND SHIT FOR YOU, BUT I TOTALLY JUST DID IT BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF YOU GETTING ALL THE COOL HERO MOMENTS” yeah, that’s right! SELFLESS MOTIVATIONS, WHAT ARE THOSE sob.

also tbh I’m glad they didn’t delve any further into their feelings right here and now because this really isn’t the place or time for it sadly. WE WILL JUST PUT THOSE ON HOLD UNTIL AFTER THE ARC ENDS, when they are all recovering from their various wounds and traumas and have time to catch up and have some long-overdue heart-to-hearts. it deserves its own chapter or two or three. maybe time to head back to Ground Beta once they’re healthy? “healthy” perhaps being a relative term given their current condition fjsdjkf.)

by the way it looks from here like only the ones through his torso and shoulder actually hit, so that’s something at least. WE’VE LOST ENOUGH LEGS TODAY. I need to conserve my remaining puns

MEANWHILE TOMURA IS HAVING A CRISIS

ARE YOU MAD AT YOUR EVIL DAD TOMURA. HE JUST WON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER WILL HE, THAT GUY

anyway so it looks like Kacchan might have caught a break here because AFO/Tomura is pulling the stabby quirk activation tendril things back out! rip, “Kacchan vs. Deku part 3″ theories

p.s. I got ALL CAUGHT UP IN THE DRAMA and thus glossed over the chapter title which is “one among us”! hmmm this is definitely AFO/OFA related, calling it now. ooh lord I am excited

NOW MY SON IS DRAMATICALLY FALLING

THE BLOOD FROM THE MOUTH OOF NOT GOOD AHHHH. DEKU’S FACE AHHHH. HIS BODY JUST WENT TOTALLY LIMP DID HE PASS OUT AHHHH. SOMEONE CATCH HIM!!

BY HIS FOOT, SHOUTO?!

well NOT EXACTLY THE MOST GRACEFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN, but we’ll allow it because HOLY SHIT BOY. ARE YOU ALREADY CARRYING YOUR DAD ON TOP OF THAT?? HORIKOSHI PLEASE CONFIRM, IS TODOROKI MOTHERFUCKING SHOUTO FUCKING FLYING AROUND UNBALANCED AF ON HIS ONE FLAMEY LEG, CARRYING HIS 500 LB POP AND NOW HIS FLOPPY PASSED OUT BEST FRIEND AS WELL?!? HOLY SHIT TODO?!?!

LADIES AND GENTLEFRIENDS OF THE VILLAIN STANDOM, FEAR NOT, TOMURA’S HAIR IS THE FIRST THING THAT GREW BACK LOL

even before his eyeballs kfldkakjk. which, btw, how does he even know what’s going on right now? “this fight has shed a lot of useless blood” sdkmkjl okay well (1) WHOSE FAULT WAS THAT, AGAIN??, (2) SERIOUSLY THOUGH, HOW DOES HE EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU STABBED?? ARE YOU EFFECTIVELY BLIND FOR THE NEXT FEW SECONDS HERE, WHAT’S GOING ON, and lastly (3) I seriously can’t tell if this is AFO or Tomura talking right now. or are they going back and forth?? help this is so confusing

HEY

THE DISRESPECT. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW KACCHAN ANGST IS NEVER USELESS!!

AND NOW HE’S BACK TO THE STABBING JFKJLKJLF I AM NOT TOO HAPPY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW MISTER

okay and now we’re cutting to some quick panels of the unconscious Aizawa, Gran, and Ryuukyuu, along with the “still conscious but in a very real sense might as well not be counted” Manual who is really having a day, that poor guy

anyway but then there’s also some dialogue boxes being all “if you act out of rage your power will respond accordingly, the most important part is to keep your head clear.” which I’m like 90% sure is Deku/OFA related, but honestly NOTHING ABOUT THIS CHAPTER IS CLEAR SO FAR YOU GUYS. except for the Shouto-is-a-badass part anyway

HMM YEP I’M GONNA GO WITH DEKU-RELATED

it must be a callback to some line I’m forgetting. maybe Lariat explaining Blackwhip to him that one time. probably should have been in italics if it was a flashback quote, but hey. anyways the point is Deku is absolutely, 100% following this advice to the letter (/s)

(ETA: yep I’m almost positive this is the same quote from chapter 213. “listen, when you use this power out of anger, it’ll really start working for you. what really matters is controlling your heart.” which is still one of the weirdest pieces of advice in the entire series, but basically I think he was just trying to tell him it’s okay to get mad, so long as it’s calmly mad. like, controlled fury, as opposed to this white-hot berserker nonsense he’s been running on as of late. anyways I do still love me some shounen rage all the same but Lariat has a point.)

...

it took me a minute to realize THOSE WERE DEKU’S EYES. holy --

AND ANOTHER MINUTE TO REALIZE THAT DEKU FUCKING GRABBED THE ACTIVATION TENDRIL WITH HIS BUSTED UP OFA HANDS AND BIT INTO IT WITH HIS RABID OFA JAWS AND SNAPPED THAT SHIT LIKE A FUCKING KITKAT KLJLKSJDLKJFLK WOOOOOOOO I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT GODDAMN. POWER MOVE

(ETA: this is a two-page spread omg. I didn’t even realize at first. this scan ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT DO THIS BADASS PAGE ANY KIND OF JUSTICE but I can’t wait to see the real deal on Sunday holy shit.)

LMAO

DEKU RAGED SO HARD HE TURNED INTO AN ANGRY GHOST SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FKLSKG

(ETA: he actually looks a bit like the Vestiges/Kurogiri tbh.)

meanwhile Tomura basically has the exact same face I would have had in his position. yeah for real man. I don’t even know

p.s. WHEN will people learn to STOP INSULTING KACCHAN IN DEKU’S PRESENCE. WHEN, I ASK!!

WHAT IN THE CINNAMON TOAST FUCK

if this was a physical page I was holding I would have FLUNG THAT SHIT AWAY LIKE THERE WAS A SPIDER CRAWLING ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK

HOT DAMN. well uh. so that’s SUPER DISTURBING, what a lovely panel of Tomura’s melted face slowly growing back while his ears lag behind, and meanwhile that little scar that had been growing and growing and which at one point certain people (ME) thought might turn him into a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERLY instead RIPS HIS FACE IN HALF to reveal the KINDER EGG AFO SURPRISE UNDERNEATH AHHHHH TAKE IT BACK

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T LET MAD SCIENTISTS PERFORM EXPERIMENTS ON YOU, KIDS. PSA. JUST SAY NO

-- NO!!!

HORIKOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck

oh my god. I almost would have rather cut away right after the Kacchan incident than freaking cut away NOW of all times, jesus. THAT’S JUST A BITCH MOVE, IS WHAT THAT IS. if we don’t cut back within the next three pages I SWEAR TO GOD

anyway so GUESS WHAT GIGANTOMACHIA’S DOING YOU GUYS. if you guessed “the exact same thing he was doing last time we saw him” then you are absolutely right, because it was actually PRETTY EASY TO GUESS

anyway but he says he detects “master’s scent”, except that there’s apparently two of them. interesting! one in Tartarus and one in Jakku, right? lol Horikoshi has burned me so many times already with his excruciatingly slow reveal of this that I’m not gonna hold my breath just yet, but I’ll get the hype train warmed up JUST IN CASE

okay so meanwhile in downtown Jakku, the heroes are handing off the civilians over to the police and rescue forces while they prepare to engage with “the villain”, by which I assume they mean Gigantomachia. does this mean Iida and Ochako are gonna fight Machia you guys omg

OOH!!!

“PLEASE INFORM THEM ON FOOT” well I know a certain SPEEDY BOI who would be PERFECT for that job oh my. make haste, Tenyar FastmLeggy

WAIT WHICH WAY ARE THEY HEADING

ARE THEY HEADING TOWARDS MACHIA OR TOWARDS DEKU AND AFO

so rather than answering my VERY PERTINENT question, Ochako is instead spending an entire page thinking about how their complete clusterfuck of a life keeps getting exponentially worse all the time! well but she’s not wrong though

NOW SHE’S ALL “GUYS...!” and, rather than explaining ANYTHING AT ALL, Horikoshi is again cutting back to THIS, OMG AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(ETA: good thing Kacchan wasn’t awake to see his dramatic “I’ll just get myself impaled for Deku’s sake” plan result in this outcome ALL OF TWENTY SECONDS LATER smdh.)

I ACTUALLY PREFER MY DEKUS NON-CRUMBLED, THANKS. ALSO JUST ON A SIDE NOTE, POOR SHOUTO THOUGH. THE LAST NINETY SECONDS OR SO HAVE BEEN ENOUGH NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR A LIFETIME HAVEN’T THEY

so now he’s all “MIDORIYA!!!” because OF COURSE HE IS. his best friend just got impaled, and his dad too, and now he fully expects to see his other best friend crumble to dust right before his eyes holy shit. T R A U M A ™

-- !!!

somehow in the excitement of the moment I forgot his actual goal for a sec lol. meaning I instantaneously switched from HORRIFIED to GRINNING LIKE A MANIAC :D :D :D come on OFA time to show him what’s what

AND NOW WE’RE SWITCHING OVER TO EVERYONE’S FAVORITE TRIPPY DREAM LANDSCAPE FOR ADDITIONAL DRAMA, WELL OKAY

I’M ON BOARD WITH THIS, WHATEVER. also it’s becoming increasingly apparent that Deku is in fact nekkid underneath that mystical cloud bs, so let’s hope one of his remaining yet-to-be-unlocked quirks is a pants-conjuring quirk lulz

“this place...” yeah we all fucking know what this place is son, let’s get on with this. by my count we’ve only got four pages left so PLEASE BUDGET THEM WISELY

OH MY

holy shit. I have so many screaming thoughts about this lol but I just want to keep on reading lkjlkjlkjl okay I’ll come back later and edit them in, how’s that

OR MAYBE I’LL JUST RANT ABOUT THEM NOW GODDAMMIT

shit. okay let me just try and sum this up as quick as I can

so just in case it wasn’t already crystal clear, AFO’s soul being roommates with Tomura’s seems to be just about 100% confirmed now. good for you, All For One For All theory!! the “Kacchan loses his quirk” theory died so that you might live on in glory

AFO does seem to have almost fully taken control now. it looks like Tomura’s still fighting back, but AFO clearly has the upper hand now if their body language is any indication. Tomura on his knees with AFO calmly holding him down and ignoring his struggles... not looking too good for him at the moment

people seem to have somewhat lost sight of this in the midst of the great “heroes vs. villains Who Is Right Who Is Wrong What Are Morals” debate of 2020, but just a friendly reminder that AFO is in fact responsible for 100% of all of Tomura’s suffering from pretty much the moment he was born up till this very moment we’re now witnessing!! like, you can go ahead and blame Nana and Gran and The Complacent Apathy Of Hero Society and whatever the fuck else from here till Sunday, but All for One is the reason Kotarou was orphaned. All for One is almost certainly the reason why the seemingly quirkless Tenko suddenly just magically developed THE MOST FUCKED UP QUIRK OF ALL TIME at the worst possible moment. All for One is probably the reason why no one helped Traumatized Baby Tenko in the immediate aftermath (I can and likely will write a separate post about this in the near future). All for One is definitely the reason why no one helped Tenko at any point after that. All for One is the reason why Tenko grew up all fucked in the head (“HERE’S YOUR DEAD FAMILY’S HANDS, MERRY CHRISTMAS”), and the reason why he grew up blaming Heroes and Society rather than the sole person who was actually responsible who was literally standing right in front of him the entire time. and lastly, All for One is the reason why Tomura has now been manipulated into unknowingly sacrificing his own body and possibly even his mind. so THANKS A LOT FOR THAT. more like jerk for one amiright

basically what I’m trying to say is that Deku and Tomura are not actually enemies here, and they never have been. the two of them have a common enemy, and I’m convinced Tomura’s story is about him eventually coming to realize this. and this looks to be the first step towards that, for two reasons. one, because AFO is finally starting to out himself to Tomura as the rat bastard he has always been. and two, because Deku is catching a glimpse of this now for the very first time. up until now he didn’t have a damn clue lol. but this is now something for him to file away in the back of his mind, and perhaps follow up on at a later date, once all of this craziness finally subsides and he has some time to process

anyway, so that’s basically it! tl;dr AFO is the final villain and unless I’m very much mistaken, this scene is going to finally start to set that up. let’s read on!

OMG

NANA?!?

lKDSJFLKSHGLISHDOGIHOLRKL

NOOOOOO I can’t believe it fucking ended there I can’t fucking believe it, fuck everything

smdh. what a place to end it. didn’t confirm a damn thing. not even whose mental landscape all of this is actually taking place in! like, don’t mind me though Horikoshi, it’s not like THE FATE OF THE WORLD HINGES ON THIS QUESTION OR ANYTHING except oh wait it really kind of does. kljkj

but seriously. because if it’s Deku’s mind, it means that Tomura’s attempt to take his quirk wasn’t successful. but if it’s Tomura’s mind, though... well... hhhhhhkhfff

or it could be both, I guess. more of that “AFO and OFA are the same quirk and thus linked” goodness. oh man. anyways stay tuned for next week when Nana presumably helps Deku out with the rest of that black fog and also hopefully finds him some pants. or maybe Nana can just go fight AFO herself. a little payback for everything he’s done to her protege and to her grandson. either way I CAN’T WAIT omg. VESTIGE ANTICS ARE A GO

[jae-canikeepyou]

| tender heart | j.jh

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: fluff + angst

a/n: i gotta be honest, i had troubles writing a softbf!jae so idk if i wrote this request correctly or if there’s enough angst :// though this is so long overdue but i hope this scenario fits your visualization my dear~ 😉 enjoy! ~j.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

the wave of annoyance began to completely wrap you. you pressed the bridge of your nose at the once subtle noise, later blowing up like fireworks at your apartment. the invitation wasn’t your choice, rather your boyfriend’s. he brought them over because they had their weekly boys’ night. it would be alright if they could lower the prolonged cheers over some video game they’ve been playing for an hour now.

finals were approaching and although you wanted to study or get some peace/quiet, your boyfriend’s turntable was consumed into the boys’ voices. you had to pass this exam because you retook it this semester and you were already having it under control, not today. twisting the pen between your fingers, you decided to put yourself to bed for a few short minutes to rest a bit, maybe clear your mind at least.

it hasn’t been a second that you took another soft pillow and covered your whole face to block out the loud screams. the door of your bedroom swung open. jaehyun noticed how tiredly you walked to the kitchen counter to grab a cup of coffee. no matter how messy you looked now; a tangled high bun with some strands meeting the nape of your neck, his t-shirt that reached your mid-thighs and the crooked glasses on your nose— he still loves you like he did when he first met you.

whilst immersed into the game, taeil nudged the rest of them in secret, telling to look what jaehyun was up to. “pst.” he jutted his lips as they pointed to the kitchen. even from a distance, jaehyun’s ears were prominent when they turned red. “he’s all lovey-dovey to her again.”

putting weight on one leg, you waited for the water to boil and rested against the counter. jaehyun’s warm palms sneaked around your waist, wrapping yourself to him for a hug where his chin rested just on your head.

“what are you doing?” he asked with a playful tone in each word.

“hm?” a spoon in mouth, you hummed in response to give him a hint of bitterness for his actions today. once you poured two packets of sugar, you turned to face but he had you in his stretched forearms. only the friction of the stirring sound of your mug was heard.

he stared into your eyes for a while before leaning in to kiss you. seeing his friends giggling at the corners of the living room, you became flustered and stopped him from being sweet. “c’mon baby. you locked yourself in your room all day. let me kiss you.” he whined, going forward to continue where he left off.

“ngmpf,” you placed the spoon in the gap between. “no.”

he let out a breathy chuckle at your response, kissing the spoon instead. “i guess an indirect kiss works just as fine.” jaehyun swooped you up, carrying you in a bridal style before sitting back on the sofa. your whines did nothing on him, he ignored you and went forth with his desires. cheeky grins and snickers grew quickly as you blushed so hard in front of the boys.

you knew this was in his nature; sweet, loving and caring. although you loved that about him to the point he softens your heart, sometimes it had gotten a little too much and you weren’t used to his public display affection especially when he does it all the time. there should be limits, but apparently ‘limits’ was a non-existent word in his dictionary.

his friends anticipated your participation for the next round. to them, your silence went for two ways: one was you’d join them, and two, refuse their offer and just watch.

and you chose the second option.

donghyuck began acting cute with his palms together. this gesture became contagious when mark and the rest of them followed, taking you a back and leaning against jaehyun.

“please y/n? one round only.” jungwoo sang in the tune of dreamgirls’ ‘one night only’.

“we won’t bother you afterward.” mark nodded.

then their eyes trailed to jaehyun who now was admiring you with a hearty look. he had you on his lap, hugging you like a child would do to a stuffed bear. he knew how much his friends like you, so when it came to persuasion, it was his job to make you surrender. “play with one game, baby.” he handed you the controller with a persistent plead, dimples sinking the more he smiled widely.

you held in your squeal and blushed more than before. and you finally gave in with pursed lips. “fine, one game and that’s it.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

yuta was now in the kitchen with johnny and jaehyun. they prepared ingredient toppings for homemade pizza, takoyaki and fruit punch. he saw how you actually didn’t keep your word and went for three more rounds. he propped his chin against the counter, sending you hearts he wished you would notice.

“how are you able to endure it?” johnny asked the guy and jaehyun turned to his direction.

“endure what?” he asked for more emphasis into his question that both of his hyungs shared a look. it wasn’t the first time jaehyun saw their expressions in this manner.

“whenever y/n’s in ‘tsun-tsun’ mode.” yuta noted while mixing the takoyaki batter.

ah yes. tsundere; a nickname that yuta’s been calling you even before you dated jaehyun. two words combined where ‘tsun’ meant ‘blunt’ while ‘dere’ meant ‘lovey-dovey’. in fact, it was his idea to make you both meet as total opposites attract. he felt you were each other’s key to both of your locked-away hearts for relationships. so when he managed to set you both on a date for fun, you and jaehyun did clicked, and fell in love in the process.

of course, this was revealed later than imagined and to his surprise, you weren’t mad or anything.

jaehyun shrugged in complete silence, but a smile still evident and shown on his face. “if it’s y/n, it’s alright for me. she’s probably just not as affectionate or showy whenever there are people around. it’s different when it’s only the both of us alone.”

“how would you know if she cares for you when you’re in public? tsunderes like her are kinda hard to read.” yuta stated and it was definitely true. jaehyun would like it if you could be a little bit true to yourself on the outside, not just masking something you were not.

“it’s hard to explain.. but i know it well if she’s being herself.” he spread the sauce onto the new laid-out dough.

your throat thirsted for a drink after screaming at the younger boys for killing you instantly in three consecutive rounds. so headed to the kitchen to find yuta and johnny smiling with the same grins and snickers.

these two- they’re at it again.

“agh, i’m thirsty.” you fanned yourself and grabbed a cup to pour water into. a sigh escaped from your lips and wondered why you spent time into playing rather than studying for your finals. you weren’t supposed to delay or procrastinate what you scheduled today for, but seeing jaehyun and his friends on their free time had you feeling annoyed again. it wasn’t your time of month yet either so why were you so cranky when you thought you’ve calmed down?

jaehyun immediately switched from being serious to a boy in love. he took a piece of pepperoni and placed half of it into his mouth, leaning closer to yours. his pearly whites shown and he giggled wide before speaking. “eat this.” he said between breaths. your boyfriend looked funny and cute at the same time. you were so close to giving in before realizing the two guys behind him started to tease you with their eyes.

you took the piece with your hands and ate it. much to jaehyun’s dismay, his eyes changed and you didn’t notice it. “ey y/n, you’re supposed to get it with-”

“stop this!” you hissed coldly and covered half of your face from the sudden loud tone. you felt instant regret but your pissed personality had already outweighed that. “tsk you’re too much, can’t you see that yourself?” you walked away, your drink long forgotten.

your boyfriend sighed and pulled you on the arm. “so you’re saying it’s a problem that i’m being too attached?” he asked, his voice slightly higher but man that punched real hard.

“i’m saying you should at least know when and where to act this way! i thought we talked about this!” you managed to break free from his hold, but he wasn’t having any of your childish breakouts.

“shouldn’t you be asking yourself that, y/n?” he placed the glass bowl down with more strength on the counter, gaining the others’ attention and diverting their gaze onto you. “all i ever did was to be your boyfriend and myself but here you are, being someone i thought was slowly changing.”

you gulped and nearly choked on your own saliva at is words. in the months of dating him, never have you faced this side of him before. “changing? the heck i’m not. did you forget that i have finals next week? and if you claim you’re actually ‘being my boyfriend’, why did you invite them here when you have your own place to deal with your quality time?” you crossed your arms.

jaehyun felt the strings of his heart strum in a painful way. was this what yuta and johnny meant by ‘enduring’? well, his answer was incorrect, he couldn’t distinguish his girlfriend’s real self and the masked one right now. “i did tell you but you always put your anger over my feelings that it blinded you from seeing what’s in front! how about you act like my sweet girlfriend for once whenever the guys are here?!”

your heart sank at the realisation of how differently you behaved in comparison with jaehyun and with his friends around. you didn’t want to cry in front of them now that you felt the tears prickling and stinging your eyes. with heavy steps you set your pride down and head back to your room. jaehyun watched you rub your eyes with his tshirt and groaned at how far he went with his words. “oh, crap.” he whispered.

yuta and johnny pursed their lips and clasped their hands simultaneously. “sorry jae. we might have provoked- or make her shy-”

jaehyun shook his head, disagreeing with their claims. “you did nothing wrong. it made me realise how stupid i looked when i’m too affectionate with her. i didn’t even know i’m already making her uncomfortable. love is blind.”

they both had jaehyun between them for a group hug. “you’re still soft even when you’re mad at her. you love her so much haha!” they teased. “aren’t you going to her room? it looked like she was crying.”

“let her be. she’ll come out later.” jaehyun assured them, heading back to continue with the pizza making.

“how do you know that?”

“you’ll see.” he bursted into teasing giggles that his friends found him a little evil, but they understood where he was coming from.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you woke up from crying too hard and your head spun in circles from the pain it had left. there was no point in going out now because your eyes were swollen and puffed up. jaehyun thought you were changing and that hit you the most because you really weren’t.

“stupid jaehyun.” you hugged your pillow and noticed how hideous you looked from the mirror’s reflection.

the aroma of pizza made its way out of the oven and entered your room. you haven’t had a meal since breakfast and it lured you to sneak a peek. however, you were shy to show yourself. there were few knocks onto your door, asking you to take a bite. you couldn’t face jaehyun and you’ve never seen him so crossed. in the end, you knew you had to apologise. he was the best thing you could ever ask for and there was nothing that could replace him.

carefully, you turned the knob without a sound. the guys were still immersed into the game, so walking in stealth mode wouldn’t make them notice your existence. you wore jaehyun’s sweater and put on the hood; soon tied a knot to cover your face. from the gaps of your door, you spotted jaehyun making the second- or third batch of pizza. you had to make sure you stood behind him.

jaehyun hummed a song he always liked to sing. he turned with two plates in his hands to place them in the oven, later realizing you stood before him and wrapped your arms around him. “what’s wrong, y/n?” he passed the plates to johnny and hugged you back. he could feel how you tightened your embrace, like you didn’t want him to escape.

“i’m sorry.” you mumbled into his chest to prevent the tears from falling and from guilt.

he winked at his friends for his accurate prediction and cleared his throat. “what did you say?” he held in his smile.

ah she’s in dere mode.. they thought the same.

“i’m sorry for what i did.” you whined while still hugging him and hopping slightly because you didn’t want to cry in front of his friends.

“i can’t hear you.” jaehyun singsonged and this irked you a bit.

“i said i’m sorr-” you finally looked up, only to be greeted with a kiss the forehead.

the rest of them could see how flustered you were; your arms not knowing what to do nor where to place them, and then they formed sweaterpaws at the sudden action, it looked like you panicked a lot too.

jaehyun let you go and his eyes softened that you began to blush and panic again. “what?”

“just thinking how pretty you are.” he pat your head in assurance that he forgave you.

you inhaled quite a long one before letting it all out at his comment. “y-you. st-stop tha-t.”

“stop what?” he hummed as he bent down to see you properly; red face and swollen eyes. heh, she did cry..

“stop smiling like that. you’re too handsome and it’s killing me.”

“wow, never thought i’d be embarrassed when you compliment me.” he purposely made his voice loud to tease you.

“i’m dissing you!” you butt back, grabbing a pizza slice from the counter.

the others covered their mouths from laughing.

and she’s back to tsun-tsun mode..

jaehyun made you sit on the stool by the counter, where you were levelled with his soft, chocolate brown eyes. “although you’re cute in this version of yourself, you don’t always have to put up a front. you’re with me, so be you. don’t mask who you actually are.”

you pursed your lips at his advice. well he wasn’t wrong. “fine. where should i start?” your cheeks began to turn red again.

whilst rubbing circles around your waist with his thumbs, he pondered for a moment and you saw how he lit up, already knew what to answer.

“try giving a little piece of the y/n who always has a tender heart. that’s the girl i fell for.”

[virtual-lara]

FHM - Rhona Mitra Interview

Interview appeared in the November 1997 issue of FHM magazine. Article was written up on fansite 'The Tomb Raider Archive'. VL Note: This interview is long and it is full of awful non-gaming questions with some cringey answers, but it was conducted in 1997 for a mens magazine.

Sex and videogames don't usually mix too well. Indeed, the popular view is that men who play them have such poor complexions and social skills that they've been forced to replace the pleasures of the flesh with bashing the hell out of pixellated monsters. In short, successful users of the chat-up line "I've top scored on Story Of Thor 2" are few and far between.

However, there is one exception to the rule. In November 1996, Tomb Raider appeared, featuring the adventures of Lara Croft. The premise of the game was that Lara, the daughter of an English aristocrat, had decided to forego her inheritance in favour of travelling around the world in search of ancient artefacts. As with most adventure games, this involved plenty of running, jumping, swimming and shooting. But unlike other games, its central character became the computer world's first sex symbol, and Lara Croft quickly catapulted Tomb Raider to the top of the games charts. With her ample chest and powerful thighs, Lara was created as the gamer's ultimate fantasy figure and the strategy worked.

Now, for the imminent release of the sequel, Tomb Raider 2, Lara is made flesh. And fortunately for us, it's in the form of 22-year-old actress Rhona Mitra, a woman sexy enough to equal the charms of the video character. As well as appearing in the press campaign for Tomb Raider 2, Rhona has recorded an album as Lara (produced by ex-Eurythmics guitarist Dave Stewart), from which the single, Getting Naked, is to be released next month. There is even talk of a Tomb Raider movie, for which Rhona ought to be a shoe-in for the lead role - a heady jump from her last big part, playing a teenage seductress in Jilly Cooper's The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous.

So, to celebrate the arrival of the new sexiest woman in Britain, what did we do? Take lots of fantastic pictures of her? Of course. Ask her a shed-load of questions about what it's like to play a character invented to satisfy the libido if a twenty-something programmer? Certainly. But first we took her to London's Trocadero centre to see if she could cut the mustard in the original gaming arena - an amusement arcade.

The truth is, she's pretty adept. She powers past three (male) opponents on an arm wrestling machine, gives a credible display at dynamo-hockey and is equally at ease bombing about on the virtual skate-boards. Her strongest suit, though, is the bowling range. After a slow start, three spares in a row see her powering into the lead as FHM skew another ball into the gutter.Only two consecutive(and highly suspicious) zero scores in the last two rounds barred the way to victory. And perhaps not surprising for a woman who's beaten stiff competition to play the most lusted after computer game character of all time, she doesn't accept second place for long. "I let you win, you know," she smiles triumphantly.

FHM:

Games fans are notoriously obsessive. Are you ready to be pursued by blokes thinking that you really are Lara Croft?

Rhona Mitra:

After The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous I had a lot of bizarre fan mail. I remember receiving a beautifully-typed letter from twelve boys in Exeter asking if I'd marry them all. Apparently I was supposed to be shared on some kind of weekly rota system. I was thinking, "Hmm, two a day. How am I supposed to manage that?" And I've already had people post notes on the Lara Croft website thanking me for improving their sex-lives.

FHM:

And how exactly have they done that?

Rhona Mitra:

They get their girlfriends to dress up as Lara, like I do. Apparently, it works wonders for them - maybe it's the rubber outfit.

FHM:

Do you think it's scary that there are men out there fantasising over a computer-generated character?

Rhona Mitra:

No, because men will fantasise about anything. Compared to a sheep or whatever, I think Lara's quite a healthy fantasy. What's wrong with wanting to sleep with a computer-generated character? She's got a perfect figure after all.

FHM:

Talking of perfect figures, there was a story in the tabloids about you having a breast enlargement operation performed by your dad...

Rhona Mitra:

That was rubbish. My dad is a surgeon and he does do cosmetic surgery, but he doesn't perform breast operations. I don't think he was too bothered about it, though - apparently a load of people phoned up the hospital where he works, the next day asking for tits like Rhona Mitra.

FHM:

But you have had your breasts enlarged.

Rhona Mitra:

Yes, but my dad had nothing to do with it.

FHM:

Where does the name Mitra come from?

Rhona Mitra:

It's Indian - my dad is from Calcutta. But I'm also part Irish. It's a confusing heritage. I never know if want to be running across fields with no clothes on or sitting in the pub drinking Guinness.

FHM:

The Lara Croft single is called Getting Naked. When was the last time you were naked in a public place?

Rhona Mitra:

I don't think going starkers in a public place is especially commendable. You can go to Stringfellow's for that. Although they don't get it all off there, do they? The song is really about one night stands and a woman saying that she'll go so far but not the whole hog. Why does all frolicking have to end in penetration?

FHM:

Does Lara have sex, then?

Rhona Mitra:

I should bloody well hope so. I'm sure she wouldn't be the woman she is unless she did.

FHM:

You recorded half the album sailing down the Amazon in Dave Stewert's boat. If the boat had run aground, would you have been prepared to eat him in order to survive?

Rhona Mitra:

Hmm, he hasn't really got enough fat on him...

FHM:

That beard might have been a bit tough to chew as well. Maybe you could have stuck it on your face when you'd finished eating the rest of him.

Rhona Mitra:

I would have worn the beard proudly. It's a fine feature.

FHM:

You were expelled from two boarding schools. Naughty girl, were you?

Rhona Mitra:

No, I just had a problem with complying with the rules. I went to convent school and it was totally ridiculous. We weren't even allowed to go into town at the weekend. So we used to nick holy wine from the church and drink it in the potato patch at the back of the school. I remember one time me and a few girls ended up dancing in the garden at four in the morning, wearing nothing but wellington boots.

FHM:

Is that why they kicked you out?

Rhona Mitra:

No, that was for taking a sixth former's car and driving it down to the local boys' school. I was only about fourteen. I'd left stuffing under my bedsheets but one of my friends told on me and the headmistress tracked me down. They put me in this room with bars on the windows to punish me. I was stuck in there for a whole week with just a rosary for comfort, having my dinner brought in on trays. The only time I got out was to say confession to the school priest. After that, they booted me out. Then at the next school the other girls used to blame me whenever they got caught for something, so all the parents wrote in and said they didn't want me at the school. I crammed my exams in London and did fine.

FHM:

You recently said that Lara represents the woman of the future. So what is the woman of the future going to be like?

Rhona Mitra:

She'll be more robust. In order to be strong in the mind, women are going to have to build up their bodies. Having a big arse will be alright, having a big pair of breasts will be alright, as long as they exercise as well.

FHM:

We had a discussion in the office about men of the future, and we reckon that evolution will make their heads and penises bigger.

Rhona Mitra:

Sounds good to me.

FHM:

Okay. Let's test your credentials for playing Lara Croft. To start with, when was the last time you raided a tomb?

Rhona Mitra:

Er, I haven't. I only raid my friends' wardrobes. And my dad's drinks cabinet when I was a kid.

FHM:

Would you take on a bear unarmed?

Rhona Mitra:

I'd probably try and cuddle and sweet-talk it. I've charmed men worse than bears.

FHM:

Can you handle yourself in a fight?

Rhona Mitra:

Absolutely. I had the whole Swiss army after me once. I was skiing with friends and we were getting hassled by some guys who wanted us to dance. They ended up calling us dykes and then turned nasty. I kicked one in the ribcage. It turned out that he was with a load of Swiss army guys and they chased us up the road. We ran faster than them, though.

FHM:

Some Tomb Raider websites feature a nude Lara Croft. Would you ever emulate them and do Playboy?

Rhona Mitra:

I'd never say never. But not right now. It's not even negotiable.

FHM:

What about the orgasmic noises Lara makes when she bumps into walls? Have you been perfecting those?

Rhona Mitra:

Oh yes, of course. Listen. [Makes weird orgasmic noise not unlike "Uuh!"]

FHM:

Lara spends most of her time in caves full of gun-wielding nutters. What's the most dangerous situation you've been in?

Rhona Mitra:

I got buried under sand in Tunisia. I've just shot a film there called A Kid In The Arabian Knights. We were supposed to be mocking up this sandstorm and I was buried right up past my head, but I couldn't breathe because the sand was so heavy. I had to breath through a bamboo straw for about twenty minutes. The crew were getting their cameras up and I was screaming "Hurry the fuck up, I'm dying under here."

FHM:

Did you used to play computer games when you were growing up? I remember getting hooked Jet Set Willy on the ZX Spectrum.

Rhona Mitra:

I had an Atari. I used to play that tennis game where you had two bats at either end of the screen and had to try and keep the ball in play.

FHM:

You mean Pong!

Rhona Mitra:

That's the one. But I used to do a lot of things to entertain myself. Do you remember those portable tape recorders that had flat speakers on the top? I used to put a piece of cellophane on top of the speaker and crumble biscuits on top of it. I'd then play Super Trooper by Abba at full volume and watch the crumbs jump up and down with the vibrations.

FHM:

Blimey. You were easily pleased.

Rhona Mitra:

That's not all. I loved pouring yoghurt all over my dog and watching him lick it off himself. And when my parents had dinner parties I'd chop up his dog food into chunks, put cocktail sticks in it and then walk around the living room in a sari asking if anyone wanted hors d'oeuvres.

FHM:

The guests must have loved you. Have you carried any bizarre habits or phobias into adulthood?

Rhona Mitra:

I can't sit still. That's why I'm very difficult in a relationship. Men get jealous of me travelling - they don't understand that just because I disappear on my own doesn't mean I'm going to shag someone else.

FHM:

Have you always been faithful?

Rhona Mitra:

Always. But I can appreciate why people wouldn't be. It's like ice-cream - you can really love vanilla, but you still want to try some other flavours just to make sure that you really do love vanilla best. I haven;t actually been out with that many men. I've been in two relationships which have taken up five years of my life. The second one of those recently ended and since then I've concentrated on my work.

FHM:

What kind of man do you go for?

Rhona Mitra:

I like healthy-looking guys with good, clean skin. And I like men who have brains but are still very childish. Immature guys.

FHM:

Are you actually any good at Tomb Raider?

Rhona Mitra:

Yeah. I finished it in about two weeks.

FHM:

I heard that Bruce Willis has bought the rights to the Tomb Raider movie and that Demi Moore is pencilled in to play Lara. Could you have her?

Rhona Mitra:

Oh yeah, of course.

FHM:

Be careful. After filming GI Jane, she's quite buff these days.

Rhona Mitra:

So am I. And I'm younger than her. The idea of her playing Lara is sacrilege. She has to be a posh English girl with a stiff upper lip.

FHM:

Finally, elsewhere in this issue we discuss the phenomenon of lesbianism. Have you ever been tempted by the charms of another girl?

Rhona Mitra:

Any woman who says she hasn't isn't truly a woman. Even if you don't go as far as doing something physical, you should be able to appreciate the female form. Men are beautiful too, though.

All rights belong to FHM and/or their affiliated companies. I only intend to introduce people to old articles and preserve them before they are lost.

[leigh-kelly]

On the Inside

Just sharing a little piece I did for my non-fiction class about my first time in a psychiatric hospital.

It’s probably a bad idea to go three nights without sleeping. It’s probably a worse idea to do so while withdrawing from two SSRIs and an antipsychotic. But anyone who has ever been in college knows that sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures and in my sophomore year of college, I had reached those desperate times. If you do either of the two things about, it’s probably a good idea to at least take a nap before you drive two-hundred-fifty miles, but as is apparent, I wasn’t exactly the queen of good ideas in those days.

I drove. It was four days before Christmas and the holiday lights blurred together outside of my window. I had had enough Starbucks double shots to drink that I wasn’t tired, not even in the slightest. I won’t lie to you and say I remember any more than that. The truth was, I shouldn’t have even been driving. As the drugs left my system, I was shaking, jittering, trying to stay afloat in the real world, even as circumstances tried to bring me somewhere else. It wasn’t until I was in my childhood bed at my parents’ house that I started to cry. There was nothing in particular to cry about, my mom had made my favorite dinner as a homecoming surprise and she kept talking about going to get a Christmas tree. But suddenly, after feeling like I was perfectly fine in the car—you know, minus all of the blurry Christmas lights—I couldn’t function in the slightest. 

The last thing I remember before going up to the bedroom was my mother telling me that I was an idiot for going days without sleep and existing solely on espresso. In hindsight, she was right, but at the time, it made me extremely angry. I was twenty years old, I could make decisions about my body for myself. The last thing I needed was her meddling and trying to control me. 

That’s another thing; control. While the primary reason I stopped taking all of my pills was because it was impossible for me to take them and still stay up for three consecutive nights, the secondary reason was control. From the time I was born, I wanted to be in control of everything. As a child, my grandfather called me Sammy Breakstone—from the cream cheese commercial, “the most demanding girl alive”—and it had only gotten worse as I got older. The problem was, as much as I wanted to control my body and not be reliant on medication to exist, it was the only thing that gave me some sense of control. With all of that lost, I could do nothing but cry.

I cried until everyone else went to sleep. I was thrashing and moaning in my bed and after hours of not knowing what was wrong with me, I finally came to recognize that what I was going through was withdrawal—made worse by lack of sleep. For a brief moment, I thought about waking up my mom, but that good old control thing reared her ugly head and I knew I had to deal with it myself. I didn’t even bother to put a bra on, I just crept down the stairs to my car, almost falling like I’d done so many times when I’d gone downstairs to smoke a cigarette after my family had fallen asleep. I was still crying as I got in the car and the Christmas lights were all still blurry, but somehow, miraculously, I made it to the hospital and found my way to the psychiatric emergency room.

Did you know that when you check into a psychiatric facility, they take away your shoes and your cellphone. I guess they don’t want you to hang yourself with your shoelaces or try to call anyone the moment you regret your decision. And trust me, the moment they took away my things, I regretted it. I screamed for a good twenty-minutes about my shoes, begging them to give me them back. I didn’t care as much about the cell-phone. I’d reached the point in my life where I had very few, if any, friends to turn to and I knew that my mom would have lost her mind if I called her at one-o’clock in the morning to tell her I’d checked myself into a hospital without telling her. But the shoes, the shoes were something that really got to me. 

Have you ever seen Girl, Interrupted? I had, probably a hundred times, and read the book at least half as many as that. During that period of my life, I was obsessed with it. It seventeen, I’d been given the same diagnosis as Susanna Kaysen and I thought that watching her be healed would somehow heal me. Spoiler alert, it didn’t. But that being said, watching the movie almost every night did nothing to prepare me for what it was really like on the inside. It was both loud and quiet at the same time. The sound is almost impossible to explain, but that’s what it was. For a while, I was alone in a big room with a dozen stretchers, just sitting, waiting, waiting, waiting. I thought the loneliness was the worst. I was wrong.

If I thought I was making a racket about the shoes, I wasn’t prepared for the next patient they brought in. He was wailing and shrieking and I curled my legs to my chest, trying to shield myself from his presence. While I was alone in my corner, still crying, hours later, doctors surrounded the screamer and someone pulled out the biggest needle I had ever seen and shot him in the arm. What came next, I wasn’t prepared for, and honestly, I thought it was a myth from the movies, but a nurse came running in with a straight jacket and strapped him down to the stretcher that matched mine. 

You’ve probably never seen anyone strapped down with a strait jacket. I’ll tell you this, it’s exactly what you’d think it would be like. As if I wasn’t already afraid before, I was terrified. I kept thinking about how I’d yelled about the shoes and how maybe I was close to being in the same situation. For a control freak, the thought of having my entire upper body restricted sounded like a total nightmare and even though I couldn’t stop crying, the impeding threat of that straight jacket put me on my best behavior.

As it turns out, being on your best behavior in a psychiatric hospital means you get ignored. Of course, I have no idea how long I was ignored for because without a cellphone and without clocks on the wall, I had absolutely no sense of time. All I can say is that with me and the man in the strait jacket trapped in a room with no windows, it felt like an eternity. At some point, my body started twitching and I knew that the detox I was going through was happening in full force, but still, I was left alone.

However many hours later, the doctor came for me. She took me out of the room and into an office, apparently presuming that I could be around pens and picture frames without threatening to off myself with something. I stared at the doctor, she stared at me. It was my turn to talk, I guess, but how do you open up to a stranger when you feel like the world is spinning out of control? I had absolutely no idea, so I took a second option.

They don’t tell you this in the movies, but the easiest person in the world to lie to is a strange doctor in a psychiatric hospital. It would have been easy enough to tell the truth, tell the kind-eyed doctor that I’d stopped taking my medication because I wanted to be in control of my own body for once in my life, that I didn’t want medication influence every single thing I thought and felt. But I didn’t. Instead, I told her that I had stopped taking my prescriptions because I was studying for finals and the pills made me tired. I told her that I was going to start taking them again, I just needed to come to the hospital because I was having a rough time until I started taking them again.

When you lie, they don’t commit you. After however many hours I was in that room, I knew that I didn’t want to spend days and weeks there. All I wanted to do was feel better, just for a minute, and go home to get a Christmas tree with my family. Even with the doctor in the room, the loneliness was suffocating and I just wanted my life to get back to normal. If it meant I had to take the pills again, if it meant I had to give up some of my own control to get some of the chemical control, I was willing to do it.

After I talked to the doctor, she brought me back into the big room. The man was still strait jacketed to his bed, but he was sleeping. The fear of having to spend the rest of the night there set me into a panic and I started crying again. The doctor didn’t say anything when she let me out, so what if that meant she was working on paperwork to make me stay as long as she wanted. I had no idea of the laws of involuntary commitment in New York State and didn’t even know if they applied to me, since I had brought myself there. What if the called my mom? What if she wouldn’t get me out?

I had worked myself into such a state by the time a nurse came in that it was probably more likely that they would have committed me. Instead, the nurse gave me a shot of Ativan and told me to sit back and relax. Easy for her to say, when she got to go home at the end of her shift. Easy for her to say, when she didn’t have to sit on a bed next to a guy who actually had to be restrained for whatever reason.

Once the shot worked its way into my system, I was calmer than I had been in as long as I could remember. I laid back on the stretcher and closed my eyes. Everything in the room faded away and I fell into a deep sleep. Before I knew it, I was being shaken awake and when I opened my eyes, the doctor was standing above me. I took a deep breath and pushed myself up, sitting at eye level with her. I looked down and noticed the papers in her hand and knew what time it was. I was going home.

Of course, in order to go home, I had to lie again. Looking back now, twelve years from the future, lying the second time was a bad idea. The nurse who did my discharge paperwork asked me if I had someone to drive me home. I figured since I’d already driven for four hours while withdrawing and on no sleep, a twenty minute drive with some Ativan in my system wouldn’t be a big deal. So I took back my shoes—finally, I had my shoes again—and I walked out to my car. The Christmas lights were there again, sparkling outside of the hospital, and in my drug induced calm, I took a deep breath. For the first time in days, I felt like everything was going to be okay. 

I drove home, blinded by the lights on the side of the road and sinking into the deepest calm. If only I could actually feel calm like that, without a shot of a benzodiazepine running through my system, I would be great. But maybe I would never be normal, maybe my life would be punctuated by emergency trips to the psychiatric ward because I kept believing that I didn’t need to take my pills. The fact that this wouldn’t be my only time rushing to the emergency room—or in the case two years later, being rushed by my parents who drove into the city where I was living, pulled me from work and forced me into their car because they believed I was absolutely losing my mind—loomed heavily over me as I drove. I thought of Susanna Kaysen again, the book that shadowed me constantly; “Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is… Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.” 

It was five o’clock in the morning when I pulled into my parents’ driveway. It was night four without sleep and I tried to remember how long you were allowed to stay up without totally losing your mind. I guessed that I didn’t have to worry about that much, since I already had, but the Ativan had started to grow heavy in my blood stream, my bones felt like they were carrying the weight of a giant. I clumsily crept back up the stairs to my bedroom and stripped out of the clothes that were tainted by the hospital. I found clean pajamas, left on my dresser by my mom who must have done my laundry—the prodigal first born returns from college, if only she knew I wasn’t such a prodigy but an actual disaster. I crawled into bed and finally, the exhaustion that had creeped into every crevice of my body engulfed me. I fell into a deep, dark, dreamless sleep.

At four o’clock in the afternoon, my mom came in to wake me up. When she left the room, I reached for my purse and listened for the rattle of pills given to me by the hospital. I wanted to fight, I didn’t want to take them, I wanted to be stronger than the need for something to control my psyche. I was a writer, writers needed to feel their feelings in order to express their vision to the world. But then, I thought about the man in the straight jacket, I thought of how I never wanted to go back there, and I swallowed four pills dry. A large part of me felt like I was giving up, but fear won, fear got me in the shower, fear helped me dress and walk back down the stairs.

We were going to get a Christmas tree. It was snowing outside and in any other set of circumstances, it would seem like the perfect day. My mother had her four kids together again. It was Saturday, my father didn’t have to work. We could pretend to be the picture perfect family, even if one of us was still falling apart inside. I went along with it, I got in the back seat of my mother’s SUV and I plastered a smile on my face. I was home, I was supposed to be happy. I had grown so accustomed to playing a part that it wasn’t a challenge for me.

As much as I had always wanted to cut down my own Christmas tree, we never did that. We selected from a bunch of pre-cut evergreens and my sister complained that every single one wasn’t perfect. But what was perfect? I was supposed to be the perfect child, the one my parents pinned their hopes and dreams on, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know then that my mental illness would become so severe that I would have to drop out of school. That I would try dozens of pills to make me better over the next decade before I finally found a combination that worked. All I knew then was that we had to pick out a Christmas tree and that I had to keep my late night visit to the hospital a secret. There was a part I had to play, and I was going to play it for as long as I possibly could. It was probably another one of my bad ideas, to suffer in silence, as you’ve probably guessed, I was never very good at ideas, was I?

[ahnsael]

Two years later, the last physical remnant of the trouble I got into is going away tomorrow.

The DMV removed the restriction from my license today (it was a three hour wait, which I didn’t expect going in the middle of the week at opening time, but I’m glad I got it done -- I could have done it a month ago but was nervous about the process of getting these last loose ends tied), and after a couple games of phone tag between the manufacturer of the device and the auto shop which services it to finalize approval on both of their ends, tomorrow I get the ignition interlock removed from my car.

Now there’s just the SR-22 insurance for two more years before I can go back to regular insurance (but the SR-22 isn’t much more expensive than the regular version anyway).

We have a guy at work who’s mind isn’t in it lately. Because he just his FOURTH DUI. His third was a legal battle (three in seven years becomes a felony and involves prison time and there was a question as to whether it was from the occurrence of the first one or the sentencing and the court gave him the benefit of the doubt but then he did it AGAIN two months later). I don’t see how you don’t learn your lesson after the first one. And even if not then, the punishment is more severe for subsequent instances. So he’s looking at a lengthy prison sentence this time.

I got 48 hours. Well, technically 62 days, but 60 days were suspended pending my completion of other court-ordered responsibilities like both group and individual counseling, DUI school, a victim’s impact panel (in which victims of crashes caused by drunk drivers told their stories -- including some VERY graphic images), being under the watch of “alternative sentencing” for a year (basically that meant zero drinking, random tests to see whether I had had anything to drink, home visits to see if I had any alcohol around, all of which punishable by either a day in jail or kicking in the entire 60-day suspended sentence), having an interlock installed in ANY car I might drive for a year after reinstating my license (I only drive my own so I only needed the one, at $67 per month which from what I’m told is a pretty good price; I’ll have to pay “$50-$60 or somewhere around there, I’m not entirely sure” tomorrow when I get it removed but it SUCKS for people with no credit/debit card because it’s literally the ONLY way you’re allowed to pay, keeping low-income people without a card from being able to fulfill that obligation and that order does NOT expire a year from sentencing, it expires one year FROM WHEN YOU REINSTATE YOUR LICENSE and you can’t reinstate your license until you have the device installed -- I had to show the DMV the installation paperwork last year), and SR-22 insurance (including Statement of financial Responsibility -- that’s the SR part) for three years.

At one point as I talked to the (actually very nice) DMV lady today she asked whether I still had the device installed or whether it had already been removed. She framed it as a way to say “Show them this temporary license which shows no restriction and they’ll be able to remove it” but I’m guessing it was a “gotcha” question, as removing it before having the restriction removed from my license would have violated the restriction of my license. But I bet they get people saying “My year was up last week so I had it removed,” therefore getting themselves in more trouble (I was actually half-expecting them to want to see it in my car, maybe punch some buttons and get my latest statistics as far as “has he had any violations since the last time he had it serviced and we were sent his data?” but that didn’t happen...I also had the original installation paperwork and the original court order in my jacket pocket just in case, since I had to show both when I reinstated my license, even though they scanned them at the time -- when I first reinstated my license they forgot the restriction so I had to go back and have them put it on). I’m also wondering whether the three-hour wait was intentional, since most people are there for renewals or new licenses or to change their address or register a vehicle, and those of us in the “C” group broke the law, which was why we were there. Kind of makes me feel like they were testing our patience to see if we gave them attitude about seeing SO MANY people who got there after us called first. But I was as nice to the DMV lady as I would have been had I waited 10 minutes, and by the end the lady next to her behind the counter was complimenting my Genie tie (Genie from Aladdin -- I went there straight from work this morning so I was still dressed up from work).

An interesting aside...I shave my head, but have a beard. I asked the lady, pointing to the gray under my chin, “At what point to I change my official hair color to gray?” (the color listed on the original police report). She said it was basically up to me, and that I could even put “bald” if I wanted to since I shave my head, but sometimes the hair grows out a bit between shavings and I want to make sure I’m in compliance. But I pointed to my eyebrows as evidence of the “brown” that I put down, and she accepted that. She said switching to “gray” is pretty much up to me as long as SOME of the original color remains, but then we shared a laugh about people with completely gray hair who put down “black” as their hair color (that was when I pointed out my non-graying eyebrows as evidence that while I do have some gray in there, it still is mostly brown).

She also laughed when I said the only “stat” that had changed in the past 13 months since reinstating my license was my weight, which I upped by 15 pounds for honesty’s sake. She said she NEVER would have done that, but then I said that I used to be about 35 pounds more than I am now, so I’m pretty good with where I’m at and would rather be accurate on a REAL ID-compliant license -- even though weight fluctuates, the weight I put is my average these days.

And after I got a little worried about phone battery after playing cell phone games for an hour, I then spent the next two hours *almost* finishing Rolly Crump’s book “It’s Kind of a Cute Story,” which I hadn’t picked up in so long that the Kindle app had updated and completely forgotten where I had left off (I only realized that I read two chapters that I had already read when I came upon a section that I had highlighted). I’m about halfway through the last chapter now. The Kindle app takes a LOT less battery than playing a game that has to communicate with the internet (especially since the DMV’s WiFi was worse than Disneyland’s as far as reliability, which is kind of saying a lot).

But anyway, other than the (only slightly) higher insurance bill for the next two years, all of this kerfuffle will be behind me tomorrow. No more breathing into my car before I can start it. No more worrying that “I bartended this morning, and I spilled some on my pants...will the interlock pick that up and fail me? (it happened a couple times, as did using an alcohol-based window de-icer this winter and then having the fumes from the can in the car when I tried to start it; I learned to leave the can outside the car after using it, but there are “rolling tests” where they are trying to see if you drank after starting the car and have six minutes to provide a passing same of breath and so I would have to pull over, remove the can, and then re-take the test to make sure I didn’t get COMPLETELY locked out -- I did have violations based on this, but found out a week ago when I emailed the DMV that it takes four consecutive months of such violations for the terms of the interlock to be extended, even if I had to air out my car before I could successfully start my car at the time).

After those violations, I was worried my time was going to be extended, so I was SO happy to receive a reply from the DMV last week telling me that they had looked at my records, and I was good to get the restriction removed. I had thought ANY violation would result in “more time with this thing in my car.”

And on the WAY to the DMV...I ran into a problem I’ve run into a couple times in the past couple months.

Ever since getting the interlock serviced in December, I’ve had issues with it rebooting itself.

Now, if you turn off the car with a pending test, that’s another violation. And the thing would tell me to breathe into it (it’s actually more throat-humming with this device -- it prevents someone taking a lungful of fresh air and then breathing in to beat it; humming in your throat means air from INSIDE of you is going through and it can detect alcohol you maybe thought you could hide).

So there have been times I’ve driven to work, parked, and just before turning off my car the interlock would ask for a “rolling test.” I couldn’t just turn my car off. That would be a violation, which the DMV would hear about. But if I picked the device up and it went blank as I blew into it, then said “Initializing,” I learned NOT to turn the car off (the hard way, when I got a violation for it). Just sit there in the parking spot, engine running, and wait for it to ask for a test again.

On my way to the DMV today, though, the device wanted a “rolling test.” Which I expected. The first “rolling test” can be 5-10 minutes after starting the car, and subsequent tests come every 45 minutes to an hour (and you have six minutes to provide a breath sample before you are locked out). When I drove to Disneyland in September, I can’t even guess as to how many tests I had to take as I drove, to make sure I was still sober.

But today, it asked me to re-test. I did. I heard the tell-tale “click” by my left knee that tells me it just sent a signal to the car that it’s okay to restart if I shut it down. But instead of “PASS” on the screen, the screen was blank. Then it said “initializing.” Then it asked me to test again with a beep. I did so. This time, it not only made the click on my ignition switch to turn it on, but said “PASS” -- fir about a half-second before going back to “INITIALIZING.”

When it came back up, I only had two minutes and 30 seconds left to provide a sample. I thought, “If this thing keeps resetting itself, I’m going to get a violation on the way to the DMV for permission to remove this.”

Fortunately, on the third try, the test was passed WITHOUT the device restarting itself (I am SO glad to get rid of this thing because it’s been doing this a lot for the past two months and while I’m passing the tests, it doesn’t always KNOW that I pass the tests before rebooting itself).

But at 10:00am tomorrow, I get this thing OUT of my car. If it’s anything like the installation, I’ll be there for about an hour. Which will still beat my wait time at the DMV today. I’ll probably finish Rolly Crump’s book and then either play some video games on my phone or start something new to read, like the continuations of the book which I’ve already bought.

But video games are more likely -- this shop, as I’ve seen personally and heard from other customers, does not only good work, but QUICK work, so I don’t want to get too into reading and then be disappointed when they have it done.

[kumkaniudaku]

Ladies Night

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: SMUT, Language

Light chatter harmonized with the sounds of glasses and silverware clinking in the quaint West Hollywood restaurant chosen as the month’s “girl’s night” location. Around the round table situated in the back of the establishment, you laughed a full belly laugh with your girls at Tanisha’s long-winded explanation of how she planned to get her black porn streaming service off the ground.

“Girl, don’t nobody wanna see no flip phone backshots,” Yvonne laughed before taking a bite from her salad. “All you see is Toy Story sheets and a bonnet.”

“Speak for yourself, sis. Me and Aaron enjoy the occasional amateur ebony flick.”

“Hearing about my brother-in-law’s sexual escapades with my sister will never not be gross. Pass me the wine.”

The table fell into a fit of laughter as Tiana filled her wine glass to the brim with sweet red wine, taking a long sip before dramatically repeating the motion.

“You know how Tasha can get,” Devin smile over her wine glass. “She’s right past tipsy and willing to share just about anything. Tell us, Miss CoCo, when is the last time you put those jaws to work?”

“I am not tipsy.” A small hiccup interrupted your sentence, earning four accusatory looks from the women around the table. “Okay, maybe a little.”

“Maybe a little means Terrible T is on the way. You know you can’t drink!”

“Shut up, Tanisha! Tasha, answer the question. When’s the last time you gave Chadwick the ole two hand twist?”

“I can’t hear you. Lalalalalala,” Tiana sang over the conversation.

“You’re so childish, TiTi,” Taking another sip of your wine, you attempted to focus your blurred vision on Devin. “To answer your question, it was one, two, four weeks ago. Actually, Micah knocked on the bathroom door and we had to stop. Does that count?”

Assorted “oh hell no’s” rang out around the table, leaving you wide-eyed and a bit embarrassed. None of them understood the impossible nature of remaining sexually active in a house teeming with toys, annoying children’s songs about sharks, and two children that knew not, nor cared about the meaning of privacy.

There was no such thing as “mommy and daddy time” when an inquisitive six-year-old and busy 11-month-old roamed the hallways looking for trouble. After having the door nearly kicked down in the middle of the night while Chadwick positioned you over his knee to test out the new flog ended with an earlier than expected lesson on the birds and bees, you and your husband had been forced into a sexual hiatus. Chadwick had no problem waiting it out. You couldn’t say the same.

“So you tellin’ me that you and Big Dic-”

“Tanisha!”

“You and Chad ain’t done the horizontal tango in a month?!”

“Thirty-one days?”

“Four consecutive weeks?”

“Giiiiirl!”

The genuine shock etched across the faces staring back at you penetrated the wine induced haze to convey the gravity of the situation.

“Oh my God. I haven’t had sex with my husband in a month. He’s - he’s gonna leave me!”

“Aaaaand here we go,” Tiana groaned as she took the opportunity to finish off the last of the Colomé, "Estate" Malbec on the table. Catching the waiters eye, she simply lifted the bottle to gesture for another round on your tab.

Assuming her usual role as comforter, Devin rubbed circles against your back to soothe the mix of tears and uncontrolled hiccups rising from your sudden distress.

“Oh, honey, he’s not going to leave you. Christine and I don’t get to have sex for at least two weeks out of the month and we’re fine.”

“It’s not the same,” you croaked before taking a sip from your glass. “You guys are women. Women are smart and have feelings and shit. I know he wants his dick sucked. I know it!”

Your fist hit the table in a drunken rage, getting the attention of a few parties in the area.

“Oh-kay, let’s get you into a more private space,” Yvonne suggested, grabbing her purse. “C’mon, to the bathroom you go.”

“He’s probably packing his things right now. He better leave that sweater I got him for Christmas. I paid for that with his money!”

Yvonne did her best to quiet your hysterics on the way to the bathroom in an effort to save your public image. The firestorm that resulted from the Black Panther’s wife drunk and crying in Nobu would not be pretty once sobriety returned.

Once the smoke had cleared and you were reassured that Chadwick was not planning on divorcing you, you were left to rest against the bathroom sink and purse watch while Yvonne relieved herself in the stall nearby. A loud yawn left you mortified at the stale alcohol taste in your mouth. Deciding to travel light with only your wallet and phone meant no gum, and you preferred not to ask others face to face with offensive breath.

“‘Vonne, do you have some gum in your bag. My mouth tastes like despair.”

“What does that even taste like, fool?”

“Like that time you let weird Bernard from work take you to that rib shack for a date.”

An audible shudder sounded from the other side of the stall before Yvonne could respond, “Please, never bring that up again. The gum is in the left zip compartment. In the tin foil package.”

“What are you? 65?”

“How about you shut your drunk ass up and chew the gum!”

“Okay, okay,” you laughed as you rummaged through her purse. The search for gum turned into a pulling out various lipstick and gloss components to hold against your lips and decide what you would ask for later.

When the toilet flushed to remind you of your original purpose for taking a deep dive into her bag, you hastily grabbed the first package you saw and popped the bitter blue tablet into your mouth. Your quiet gag went undetected before Yvonne could round the corner to wash her hands and follow you back into the main dining area.

With the sex crisis handled, you were able to enjoy your creamy spicy snow crab with your girls and discuss more pressing issues.

“You’re telling me you didn’t cry during the last scene in Dreamgirls? I don’t believe you,” Tiana accused Tanisha across the table.

“What was so sad about it?! They were just singing, then Effie came out in that horrible ensemble. You know what, that was sad. Why they ain’t get my sis a better dress?”

“Tanisha, why are you like this,” you jokingly questioned.

“Y’all need rappers like me,” she answered, imitating Nicki Minaj’s declaration in Chun Li. “Hey, anybody have some gum? This garlic has my breath smelling like weird ass Bernard.”

“Can we please leave that in the past!”

The table fell into another fit of laughter at Yvonne’s expense and the memory of her first attempt at dating after relocating from Atlanta to Los Angeles.

“Sure, ‘Vonne, we won’t bring it up again...tonight,” you taunted, earning an exaggerated eye roll. “You don’t want any of her gum anyway, Nish. It’s bitter, chalky, and dissolves before you can even chew!”

“What are you talking about? Dentyne Ice has never given me those problems.” Pulling her hand from the depths of her bag, Yvonne waved the foil gum package to reveal contents far different from what you had ingested 20 minutes earlier.

“But...I...okay, wait.” Curious stares watched you run your hands over the front of your hair to smooth non-existent flyaways in your low bun. “If that’s the gum in your purse, what were the blue tablets?”

“Blue tablets? What are you -” Yvonne stopped herself as realization came crashing down. “T, that was not gum. Tell me you didn’t have more than one.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WASN’T GUM?”

Yvonne rushed to quiet you down before explaining the situation. “Girl, that was,” a beat to lean closer and lower her voice. “Girl, that was Viagra.”

“What!”

“Girl, what are you doing with Viagra,” Tiana asked, raising the question that everyone wanted to ask. “Is there something you need to tell us? This is a safe space, sis.”

“First of all, everything is perfect in my bedroom.”

Tiana threw up her arms in faux surrender at Yvonne’s glare, “Okay! I’ll take your word for it. That still doesn’t explain why you’re walking around like Morpheus.”

“I pick up my Dad’s prescriptions when he and my step-mom are out of town. I swear I was just holding them for him until he came home. I must’ve forgotten to take them out of my purse.”

“Devin. Devin, look at me,” you demanded through labored breaths. “Am I going to be okay? I’m slightly intoxicated and I can feel the flames of hell all over my skin. Oh my God, there’s an itch on my back. Devin, there is an itch on my back! Help me, Devin, please!”

“Okay, calm down, Tasha. Calm down.” Devin took your face in her hands to get a better understanding of the symptoms you described. Just as she thought, you were suffering from a mild panic attack, and only marginally warmer than your normal temperature. As for the itch, she surmised that it was most likely an exaggeration. Still, she raked her fingernails across the center of your back to calm you. “You will be just fine, Tasha. Viagra comes with usually mild side effects so you may feel a headache or nausea aside from the expected arousal.”

“So, I’ll just be horny?”

“Just horny,” she assured you. “And, who knows, this could be what you need to get things moving at home. Or, you may not feel a thing. Either way, you’ll be fine.”

As you took in the information and murmurs of agreement from the group, most of your worry dissipated. The worst that could happen was a bout of nausea that you could explain away with the amount of wine you consumed during dinner. Sure, Chadwick would be upset, but it beat explaining you accidentally took a Viagra any day. The more time continued to tick away and the lights of Downtown Los Angeles faded into the tranquility of suburbia with no signs of abnormal arousal, the more you were sure that you had overrated.

A rare pothole in the neighborhood proved you wrong. The slight bump sent shockwaves through your lower half, pulling an unexpected and embarrassing moan from your throat. You were throbbing, confused, and begging for more at the same time.

“Ma’am, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine. Um, how much longer until we reach the destination?”

“Say about...four minutes.”

“Is there a way I can pay you extra to get me there in one?”

The driver chuckled as he turned onto your street, “No can do. This is my only stream of income right now. I just got laid off and…”

The middle-aged man’s life story faded into the background, leaving you to face the dull thump between your thighs and your nipples straining against the lace of your bra. By the time the heels of your Manolo pumps were clicking against the hardwood of your home’s foyer, you could feel the honey from your center coating inside of your thighs.

For a moment, all you could hear was your heart thumping wildly in your chest as you looked for any sign of your man. You were met with near silence and darkness in the kitchen and living room, leading you to believe that Chadwick was asleep and you would be left high and the complete opposite of dry for the night. The sound of the television in the home office down the lower level hallway gave you renewed hope that God had heard your prayers, seen your pain, and decided to end your suffering.

Removing your shoes, you tipped toed down the hallway to peek in the room, finding Chadwick sipping a beer with his feet propped on the ottoman while the Clippers game played on the projector against the wall. You let go of a relieved sigh and slowly crept into his line of vision. The blue light on his mahogany skin gave him a celestial glow to match the award-winning smile on his face.

“Look who’s home. D’you have a good time, baby? C’mere.” Chadwick opened his arms for you to join him on the couch, leaving your breath to hitch at the thought of being in such close proximity. His shirtless frame revealed a toned abdomen and sculpted chest. Cautiously, you placed your belongings on the ottoman before occupying the space on his lap. “Mmmm, I missed you. You would think I’d be able to handle a couple of hours without you in the house.”

Your nervous laughter pulled in the scent of his body wash and cologne, forcing you to stifle a needy whimper. “Well, I’m home now. How were the kids?”

“They were actually little angels. Micah helped me make tacos, Noah didn’t take off his diaper like last time, and both of them were asleep by nine. I think I’m getting the hang of this Dad thing. How were the girls?”

“You know, everyone is great. S-same ol -” Chadwick’s fingertips dragging up and down your exposed thigh put in a brief daze that you fought to snap out of.

“Co, are you okay?” Pulling away to get a look at your face, he caught a glimpse your eyes full of lust and partially covered with hooded lids. “Are you drunk?”

“Me? Drunk? Nooooooo. No, no, no, no. I’m not drunk at all.”

Your attempt at convincing your husband of your sobriety was unsuccessful, causing him to continue to press you for answers. “Yeah? If you ain’t drunk, then why you giving me the look?”

A staring contest commenced, the twinkle in his eye meeting the blank look in yours, as you cycled through various response options in your mind. You could admit to the four glasses of wine and pill or conveniently omit the latter altogether. Your therapist’s warning about half-truths still being lies picked the most inconvenient time to play on a loop in your mind, forcing you to come clean.

“Okay, so I did get drunk, but honestly what is drunk for me? You know my tolerance is low. I got a headache from all the wine and crying about you leaving me because we don’t have sex anymore so Vonne took me to the bathroom and told me to take an aspirin out of her purse except I took viagra by accident. What even is Viagra? Long story short, I’m so wet right now I might slip and fall if I stand up and I need you so bad right now! Please...help me.” Your admission came out in one breath and ended with a feeble plea for relief.

Chadwick stared back at you for a moment, confusion turning into a Cheshire smile and a light chuckle.

“You said all of that to tell me you want to make love?”

“No, you aren’t hearing me.” Pushing your body from his arms, you swung a leg over his waist to straddle his lap. His speed was no match for yours as you made quick work of cupping his face and pressing your lips onto his for a fiery kiss. His hands roamed your bottom half until he reached the hem of your dress to lift it to your waist.

Letting his bottom lip go with a whisper quiet pop, you focused your attention on his dazed expression.

“I need to fuck tonight. I want to be pounded, baby. Ruin me. Fuck. Me.”

“I think I can do that for you,” he purred, voice buzzing against your cheek as he leaned forward to nip and suck at a spot on your throat.

The feeling of his lips commanding goosebumps to prickle the skin on your arms and chest sent your mind into a fog. It was a battle between mind and body that forced you to press your palms flat against Chadwick’s chest to push your body off his lap.

“Take it off. All of it,” you commanded as you pulled the zipper down the front of your dress to reveal your lace bra and panty set. It was the first time you could remember wearing a pair of panties that didn’t cover every square inch of your ass, much less match your bra. None of that mattered as you discarded the damp item somewhere across the room.

Chadwick stood to his full height in front of you, displaying his body in all its beauty and glory.  A split second of thick sexual energy turned into an all-out race to touch and taste whatever skin was available on each other’s bodies. Chadwick settled on your lips while took a firm hold on one of your ass cheeks, kneading the supple area and groaning at the feeling. As much as you loved his sensuality, now was not the time.

Breaking the kiss, you pushed your husband back onto the couch before dropping to your knees in front of him. You were too focused on running your hands down his stomach and thighs to notice Chadwick's head fall against the back of the couch at the simple sensation of your skin on his. For weeks he’d tried his best to hide his frustration at the lack of contact, often returning to the activities of his teenage years to stay sane. When your tongue licked a long stripe from base to tip, he could’ve sworn he saw his soul pack up and walk out of the room.

You were a woman on a mission. At some point, as you used both hands to twist around his shaft in alternating directions while you sucked as much as you could fit into your mouth, you forgot he was even in the room.

Sensing he was growing weak from the intensity of your oral demonstration, you took pause to show him some attention elsewhere. Your full lips pressed against his balls to hum a made-up tune, earning hushed curses and a near painful grip on your hair.

“Look at you,” he half spoke, half moaned. “You look so pretty with Daddy’s balls in your mouth. You gon’ make me cum?”

Flickering your eyes up to meet his, you moaned a sultry “mhmm” with your lips still wrapped around him.

“Good girl. Fuck, baby, just like that.”

You stuck around for a few moments longer to lightly suck and grip until the desire to return to his dick was too overwhelming. Moments later, with his hands on either side of your head, Chadwick held you in place while he released inside your mouth.

While always game for sex, Chadwick wasn’t prepared for you to move on so quickly. He was expecting a few minutes of touching, maybe even some reciprocity on his end, but you had other plans. Taking a swipe from your slick entrance, you used your essence as lubrication to jerk his member and speed up the arousal process. It didn’t take long for Chadwick to return to his full erect length. Both of you let out loud sighs of relief and bliss as you sunk down onto his dick, taking each inch bit by bit.

Chadwick watched you in awe as you took control, switching between positions with a dancer’s grace. Your control turned him on to no end while you rode him in whatever way you saw fit, and drank in all of your facial expressions and slurred praises when he plundered you across the arm of the couch.

By the time he found himself fucking into you against the wall with distorted images from the projector danced across your bodies, he was finding it hard to give you the intensity you desired while holding your legs around his waist. Your weight mixed with his aching muscles were becoming a recipe for disaster. Still, he allowed you to bounce in his lap well past his own orgasm in hopes that round four would be the knockout round.

Your body stiffened in his arms as your cried out his name, clawing at his back and tucking your nose into the crook of his neck while hot shoots of white light clouded your vision.

“That’s it, girl, let it go,” He murmured against your skin once he felt you begin to relax. His fingertips drew soothing circles at the small of your back as you began to pepper kisses along his collarbone.

“Oh my God.” The sparks of euphoria were beginning to wane, leaving you wanting more. “I feel like I just ran a mile.”

“You should! It’s been a while since you reached that far in your bag of tricks,” A long yawn left his lips as he reached around you to steady himself on the wall so that you could have room to dismount his waist and stand on your own. When you didn’t let go, he began to worry. “Is something w-”

“More.”

Your abrupt interruption made Chadwick raise his eyebrow in confusion. “What did you say?”

“I need more. You promised, Daddy.”

Chadwick’s jaw slackened in shock as you peered up at him with pleading eyes. He’d just poured his entire being into pleasing you for as long as he could muster, and you still were asking for more. What would’ve turned him on to no end was confusing and a bit demoralizing.

“You are...a monster,” he whispered more to himself than to you.

“Oh, please don’t start the dramatics, Aaron. Just say no if you don’t want to.”

“I just gave you my best performance in months and you want more? Am I only a sex object to you?” Chadwick watched you push away from his body to gather the clothes you could find before making your way to the doorway. “Where are you going? You can’t just walk out on me after this. I deserve to be big spooned after the work I just put in!”

His childish request for cuddling was equally amusing and irritating, forcing you to choke back a smile as you turned to answer his question. “I am going to finish in the bedroom. You can either sit down here and pout or come watch me put the Rabbit to use. Either way, I’m not done. Good night.”

Initially, Chadwick felt proud of himself for making his feelings known without receiving significant pushback. It wasn’t often that he told you no, and even when he did, he would always end up relenting in one way or another. The thought of you accepting a blatant refusal to continue without so much of a pout and one-sided argument became more perplexing the longer he sat (naked) on the couch. The thought of you upstairs, sprawled across the bed while you brought yourself to climax made Chadwick’s mind race and hands roam aimlessly around his body until he was feeling a familiar stiffening below.

“Fuck,” he whispered as he slouched against the couch, fighting the urge to accept defeat and race upstairs to join you. A small moan, one he was sure he wasn’t meant to hear, sent a chill down his spine while sending his resolve out of the room. Looking down, he addressed his member. “You think you got one more in you, bro? Good. Let’s go.”

                                              _________

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[rokutouxei]

unfaithful

mystic messenger unrequited (?) 707/MC, Jumin/MC route | hurt/comfort, angst, smut | 3336 | [ao3] warnings: EXPLICIT, tw: cheating, spoilers: 707′s name disclaimer: i don’t intend to romanticize their behaviors at all. so, as a reader, please don’t romanticize what they’re doing too.

It was bad enough that Jumin hadn’t been returning your calls or messages for the past week. But to top it off with one of the biggest Korean tabloids plastering an image of your husband holding hands with another woman as he’s on an international business trip—one that would last a whole month?

You didn’t know what to do.

You decided to have faith in Jumin, like you promised him you would. That you would understand if he had long business trips, if he couldn’t stay by your side as much as another man probably could. You had talked all about this before the two of you got married. You’d both settled it well like adults, literally the only thing missing would have been a contract to really finalize the deal.

You sent him messages. [Text me when you have free time!] Not that he ever did, not without you prodding him to. When he’s really busy, when he’s in the zone, he’s rarely the first one to send a message. You set that aside. [Who are you with today? I hope meetings go well!] You try your best to be as patient, as understanding, as ideal of a wife as you can be.

But you’re only human.

It’s been six months since the grueling start of the complex, international trade deal that had shaken C&R. It was a good connection; something that, in Jumin’s words, “would dramatically increase and aid in the development of C&R as a national and potentially international business success”. This is why Jumin had taken the entire dealership into his hands. Six months of traveling out of Korea to settle deals and other contracts with international partners and clients.

He’s only been home for a non-consecutive 2 weeks since the year started. The penthouse is empty with only you and Elizabeth the 3rd.

The first one you call is Seven. You’ve considered the other four members of the RFA as your best friends (you’re not as close to V, as much as you wished), but Seven has always been especially close to your heart. The two of you vibed really well, jamming together with your bad, nerdy jokes and hanging out a lot.

When your husband refuses to respond to your calls, you’re glad when Seven answers.

Jumin hasn’t put it into words, but you know he doesn’t like it when you hang out with the other RFA men on your own. So you invite Zen, too. That first dreadful week, it’s the three of you who end up in a dimly lit bar in one of the busiest streets downtown, sharing bottles of beer (and juice for Seven, because he “doesn’t drink”).

You try not to cry, but you’re already on the verge of tears. “I just, I don’t know what to think of it. I’d like to think he isn’t that careless to get caught!” You say, sarcasm dripping in your voice.

Zen has a hand on your back and a soothing, comforting voice. He mirrors your anger; comfort that you need. “That Jumin Han… thinking he can get away with this.” He rubs calming circles on your shaking back.

“I don’t even know who that is, but the tabloid blew it up so hard, and now everyone is talking about it,” you whimper. “I said I’d ignore it, but I see it everywhere. It’s like, ‘Hello, I’m his wife, I’m right here!’ I haven’t even talked about it with him, and yet the whole of Korea is already up in flames about it.”

Seven runs his thumb over the back of your hand. “It could have been nothing, yanno,” he reasons out. “A clingy, touchy colleague. You know those kinds.”

“He’s married,” you groan. “She’s holding the hand with our ring on it!” The tears are waterfalls now, and they drip on the shiny glass bar where you guys are seated. You wonder what you’d done to deserve this. “He’s not telling me anything. I haven’t talked to him in a week. I don’t know what’s happening. If I hadn’t seen that headline--those photos--I would have assumed him dead.”

“When does he come home?” Zen asks, taking a swig of his beer.

Seven does the math. “Three more weeks?”

You lean your head against Seven’s shoulder and sob. “Seven, Zen, have I not been a good enough wife? Have I not been enough for Jumin, after all this time?”

“Oh, babe,” Seven sighs, gently patting your head. “You’ve always been enough. Please don’t ever think that.”

But you do. You do it all the time.

It’s hard not to, honestly. You know Jumin does his best to make you feel loved and welcomed and part of his world, but you come from completely different social classes to begin with. You grew up and lived with different rules, different functions, different expectations. It’s not like you can go around ignoring what other people say about the two of you. You’ve heard it all: “lowlife”, “gold digger”, “user”, “manipulator”—you’ve gotten so used to it you barely flinch any more.

But they still sting.

You’ve watched enough dramas to know the type of girl that suits Jumin—maybe someone who is into business as well, someone who grew up affluent, who knows what to do with this much money and wealth, someone who doesn’t sit and keep the house. You know he needs someone who can keep up with him.

You want to be someone who can keep up with him. But no matter how hard you keep chase, it’s like you never really reach that “ideal girl for Jumin” in your head.

You know Jumin loves you. You like to think he does. Even when he’s busy. Especially when he’s busy. He said it himself—he’s not choosing to ignore you, it’s just that the things he has to do in order to make sure you’re happy, and everyone else around him is successful, sometimes he has to do while spending time away from you.

You try your best to be the ever-accepting, ever loving wife.

You try.

It’s the second, nearing third week since Jumin has last answered your messages. You’d invited everyone out. It’s a weekend. But Jaehee is busy, covering for Jumin for C&R, and the work never ends. It’s Yoosung’s first day at this animal volunteer center, and he can’t miss it. Zen has rehearsals, and being the lead man, he can’t easily skip out of it, much as he wanted to. It was only you and Seven. The two of you meet at an arcade, and decide to spend the afternoon trying to beat each other in all the different racing games. You won the last two rounds, but you know it’s because Seven went easy on you.

How you winded up in Seven’s apartment is lost to history. Somewhere between “I don’t want to go home in that empty penthouse yet” and “Maybe we should watch a movie? Something long that’ll keep you distracted?”, you ended up in the back of his red Ferrari going double the speed limit to his bunker on the outskirts of town.

Seven pulls out his sofa into a bed, and throws in two blankets and four pillows for good measure. He lends you a pair of pyjamas to change into—“that dress is pretty, but that’s not comfortable for a movie night that’s for sure!”—and as you get dressed, it takes him no more than 15 minutes to prepare a large monitor to watch Pacific Rim in.  

You lay down huddled in blankets next to each other, Seven humming an excited tune as the movie begins. It’s one of his favorite movies, he says, makes him feel brave and strong. When the protagonists suffer the first blow, you instinctively reach out to hold Seven’s hand; he gently places his other hand on yours comfortingly. The little child hides behind a large rubbish bin, and you cling to Seven’s arm in near-tears. “Will she make it?” you ask yourself, will I make it? Will I make it? Will I make it?

You don’t even realize you’re crying until you feel the warm touch of Seven’s lips against your forehead. And you don’t know what comes over you, but the instinct is loud, and simple, and sudden. With one fisted hand you pull Seven’s collar towards you and kiss him flat on the mouth; his lips part open in a gasp and you take it as an invitation; you slide your tongue into his mouth, hot and constricting. You swallow the moan that leaves his throat.

When the two of you part, he is panting and so are you. “Uhm—"

“Don’t ask,” you say, leaning your forehead against his, hot puffs of breath against his own shaking lips. “Just kiss me.”

He hesitates. Rightfully so. But it only takes a few heartbeats for him to change his mind, scooping you up into his arms, his hand against the back of your head as the two of you kiss.

You haven’t been kissed like this in months.

His mouth trails wet kisses down your jaw, down the side of your neck, and where his lips are it feels like burning. With Jumin, it’s always been warmth, and comfort, and belonging, but with Seven…with Seven something sears in your gut, like a wildfire. He pulls away from you just enough to tug you out of the shirt you are in, his shirt, his pair of pyjamas, his—and to lift your bra to cup your warm, soft breast against his hand.

Everywhere he touches he feels like he’s trespassed, but he’s waited so long and he can’t say no—

“Seven,” you croon out, as he kisses your bare shoulders, you know you shouldn’t, you know this isn’t what you came here for, all you wanted was a little—

He stops. “Saeyoung,” is what comes out of his mouth, and he whispers it against the skin of your neck. “My name is Saeyoung. Call me that.”

The taste of his secret is bitter on your lips, but sweet in your loneliness. “Saeyoung,” you breathe out, and he presses his fangs on your pulse. You don’t see him but you can feel his predatory gaze, his pupils blown wide. “No! Don’t bite.”

“I won’t,” he says, only grazes his sharp canines along your neck—just enough for you to feel it, to feel your pulse racing because you know this is not what you should be doing.

But you let him anyway, with every fiery touch you chase the cold of the loneliness away. Seven—Saeyoung presses light kisses along your neck, but you can feel their hunger, just barely holding back.

You don’t know when you start crying, but your cheeks are wet and your eyes sting. You chant his name—Saeyoung, Saeyoung, Saeyoung, your cries broken with tears and sobs as he makes his way down your body, his hands on your breasts, your ribs, the curve of your waist. He kisses right along the hem of the pajamas, asking permission, and you lift your hips just enough for him to pull everything down to your ankles. As he lifts himself up to pull off his own shirt, you kick off the rest of your clothes to the floor.

He presses his hands right above your knees and stops.

“Hey… are you… are you sure about this?”

You don’t have a drop of alcohol in you, but you’re drunk on his touch; every time his hands graze your skin you feel a little more intoxicated. You meet his eyes, molten gold with a heat that goes right through your skin, and nod.

“Please.”

You cry out when he finds his way to your thighs—his hands feel so different but they fill the empty gaping hole that Jumin left—and kisses the skin slowly, reverently, as if it was holy.

This is the first time Saeyoung has touched you like this, and he’s trembling a little but he doesn’t let that stop him. He doesn’t force you pliant against the sheets, doesn’t go and claim you as his own. No, this—this whole thing, this was for you, he was only the warm body closest, most eager, most available. He eats you out like a man starved; his nose pressed against your pubic bone as he teases every sensitive part of you. He proves to be a fast learner, figures out how you like your clit laved with his tongue, accentuated with shallow licks to the rest of your slit.

“Fuuuuuuck,” you groan out.

When he looks up at you, you look absolutely wrecked. Eyes at half mast, tear trails running down your cheeks, mouth open. You’re holding on to the sofa with a vicelike grip and cry out when he pumps his first finger into you, one knuckle, two, and you’re doing your best not to grind your hips against his face. He pulls his finger out and presses in two, gently prodding, and then you shriek as he touches something electric. He holds your thighs down with his other arm, keeping you in place as he works you through a rising orgasm—he whispers “come, come on,” with his tongue against your clit and come you do, crying out in halted, high-pitched whines as your muscles spasm and the feeling of release washes over you like a tide rolling in.

And so he lets go, watching as you relax back into the sofa, sniffling and sighing at the same time. You uncurl your fists from the mattress, brush your hair out of your face, and close your eyes.

“You okay?” he asks, hesitantly, not really knowing how to talk about this, but he can’t say the regret has settled in quite yet. Awkwardly, with his boner tenting his pants, he sits by your legs and waits for what’s to happen.

For what to do next.

You gingerly get up to a sitting position, your heart still loud like a drum against your chest. You look at Saeyoung carefully, his mussed hair, his obvious erection, the way his eyes look so dark but the most alluring shade of gold, framed by his red, red hair.

You crawl towards him, and you watch as his adam’s apple bobs in his throat when he swallows.

You wonder what he’s thinking right now.

Saeyoung doesn’t flinch when you reach out, just watches as you put your arms around his neck, and press his lips against his. A soft kiss, almost shy, nearly chaste; but then you slip your tongue in his mouth and you swallow the moan that drawls out of his throat. His fingers weave into your hair, pulling gently, and you sigh into his kiss.

When you part just enough to take a breath, he looks into your eyes as if making sure. And you’re sure. In this moment, right now, this is all you’re sure of. Saeyoung is all you’re sure of.

So when he pulls you into another kiss, you don’t hesitate to drag your hands against the hardness of his cock, dragging the fabric of his pants against the sensitive spots. He nearly chokes in surprise at the action, but he doesn’t pull away, doesn’t flinch, doesn’t falter. You pump him through his clothes until you’re sure he’s as hard as he can get. You push one palm flush against his chest, just enough to get his attention.

Your lips let out one word that makes him hot all over. “Off.”

Yes ma’am, you hear him whisper under his breath, as he stands up and fumbles with his belt and his zipper. The pants fall to the floor with a clink of his belt and the boxers soon follow. You only have a moment to admire his fully naked form, the first time you’ve ever seen him this bare, before he’s back on the sofa bed and he pulls you up against his lap.

The two of you sit there for a moment, just watching each other for any sign of breaking. Any moment now you feel like he’ll tell you to stop, tell you that this isn’t right, tell you that you should stop. This is a wind-up ticking time bomb and you’re waiting for everything to burst.

But then you feel his arms around your waist pulling you closer to him and you let go.

“Please,” you ask him, again, your lips kiss-swollen, your eyes still glassy with tears. “Have me.”

“I don’t—” he swallows, again—“I don’t have… condoms.”

You shake your head. “Neither do I. I don’t care. Please,” you say. “For me.”

And the thing is, he can’t say no when he’s loved you all this time—

His arms are broad in a way different to Jumin’s; you relish in the muscle hiding underneath the skin as you cling on to him. He fixes your positions on his lap as you align the head of his cock against your entrance, and slowly, slowly, almost agonizingly slow, you slide down against him. He doesn’t move—barely holding back a thrust, and you felt that—and so you go ahead at your own pace as you take him in inch by inch. You feel his grip tighten against your waist the deeper you go, and by the time he is fully sheathed in you all you can let out is a ragged breath.

He holds your thighs in his hands and presses a kiss to your forehead, a gesture so gentle that it makes something in you break.

“Relax,” he says, his voice low. “I got you.”

He starts to thrust into you, a slow pace that makes you feel dizzy. You wrap your arms around his neck and press your face against the crook of his neck. Your hot breath fans against the skin over his pulse and he shudders at the contact, thrusting a little too hard that it makes you cry out. Sorry, he mumbles, before readjusting. Your nails leave crescent-shaped marks against your back as he fucks you.

Feeling his own orgasm coming, he pulls your leg higher around his torso and tilts; your back hits the bed as he continues to thrust, the sound of skin on skin sloppy and loud. You let out a stilted “Ah, ah, ah, ah” as he pushes against you deeper, just enough for him to brush there. He hits a spot that makes you see stars, over, and over, and over again, your body electric, every single thrust is charged, and it makes you cry out—“Jumin!”—

And he doesn’t mind.

That’s the thing, he doesn’t mind, because he’s knowing he’s claiming things that aren’t his to begin with, so he just keeps going, going and going until your vision goes white, and everything collapses into a wave of an orgasm that leaves you boneless. “Inside me,” you gasp out just in time, as he follows soon after, his movements erratic and nearly primal. He bites his lower lip hard as he can when he does, doing his best to follow your request to not leave marks.

When he pulls out of you a different kind of emptiness floods you, and you lay there feeling like someone that could have been. Saeyoung is thorough as he cleans you up, and doesn’t ask any questions when after it all you only roll to one side of the bed, wordlessly pulling the blanket up your chin. He turns off the movie, turns off the lights, turns off his emotions, sets aside what has to be set aside; deals with the aftermath on his own, as you, exhausted, fall into a fitful sleep.

When morning dawns in the bunker, sunlight does not stream in the window warmly. There’s only cold walls, and Saeyoung’s glow-in-the-dark stars from the ceiling. You see Saeyoung’s jacket draped over your blanket. You hold this against your bare chest, think of Jumin, and cry.

[littlepurinsesu]

[IDOLiSH7] Gaku Yaotome - Bright Illumination Live (Rabbit Chat Translation)

Translated from Chinese to English using 回廊王女yomiria_想当月刊夫人‘s translation, provided by 袋九布 on Weibo. Done for my Twitter account but posted here because of the long text.

Note: This is a translation of a translation (Japanese -> Chinese -> English), so I can’t guarantee that it’ll be the most accurate version out there. >_<

PART 1 – Valentine’s Day Live!

T: Thank you for your hard work, Yaotome-san!

T: I just heard that this time we will be jointly participating in the “BNO MUSIC PRESENTS Valentine’s Day Live 2019” hosted by BNO Music. Please take care of us!

G: Thank you for your hard work, Takanashi.

G: I heard from Anesagi as well. But we will be on a concert tour that day, so we’ll probably be doing a live broadcast for BNO Music’s Valentine’s Day Live. Please take care of us.

T: Yes! Because we are connecting your concert with the Valentine’s Day Live through a live broadcast, the operating staff have communicated and negotiated to come to this mutual decision.

G: The preparations must be very large-scale, too. It seems like very hard work; we’ll have to trouble you all.

T: Leave it to us!

G: IDOLiSH7 will be participating for two consecutive days at the Tokyo venue, right?

T: Yes. Re:vale will also be doing a live broadcast from overseas. Bringing together three major cities feels like it’ll create a live never seen before. It’s very exciting!

G: Overseas, huh, so nice. We’re planning for a concert tour in four cities within the country.

T: I think it was given a name like “Beach Valentine’s Day Live!”

G: Yes. Starting from Kyushu, to Kansai, Kanto, and finally Hokkaido.

T: Feels like it gets colder and colder ><

G: Well it is February (lol)

G: The last performance will be on Valentine’s Day. No matter what, we have to hold it at Hokkaido; (she) wouldn’t change her mind no matter what.

T: Anesagi-san?

G: Both Anesagi and Tenn. They say it really suits the atmosphere of the new song.

T: You mean the song used for the Valentine’s Day Live?

G: Yes. Apart from our version, there’s also IDOLiSH7’s and Re:vale’s versions, and probably a version sung by all twelve members.

G: The song’s impression is chocolates fallen from a snowing sky, so there might be a lot of fans that think of snowy scenes.

T: I see! So that’s why you chose Hokkaido!

G: It’s a performance that makes good use of nature. I’m really looking forward to it, too.

T: How nice! I think it suits Valentine’s Day very well!

G: For girls, Valentine’s Day must have a lot of very important meaning.

T: Yes, indeed. Speaking of Valentine’s Day feels like there’ll be even more of a romantic atmosphere than usual.

T: (lovey Kinako emoji)

G: (laughing Kinako emoji)

G: Then we must make the Valentine’s Day Live a super extraordinary sweet night. I’m really looking forward to it.

T: (excited Kinako emoji)

 PART 2 – The Way of Static Electricity

T: Thank you for your hard work, Yaotome-san!

T: Today’s recording was you, Tamaki, and Nagi’s part, thank you very much!

G: Thank you for your hard work, Takanashi. Thank you for specially contacting me as well.

T: Was your hair okay afterwards?

G: What do you mean?

T: Well it’s… I saw a photo of Tamaki using a plastic board to make your hair stand up like a rooster… I deeply apologise for this action ><

G: Oh, you saw that. How embarrassing.

T: It was the first time I’ve seen that hairstyle, but it suits you very well!

G: Thanks (lol)

G: Halfway through I became excited and started playing around as well. The feeling of returning to a child made me very happy, too.

T: Did Yaotome-san also play with static electricity in the past?

G: I was a naughty little boy when I was young, too.

G: Definitely. I played everything that kids play. Making stamps out of erasers, making slingshots out of chopsticks and rubber bands.

T: It’s really nostalgic! I made those when I was a child, too! (lol)

G: When I saw Yotsuba taking out the plastic board, I was so nostalgic that I ended up playing around as well.

G: Speaking of which, he’s still a student, right? I suddenly feel like I’ve become old.

T: That’s not the case!

T: Out of our members, Iori and Tamaki are still high-school students, so Yuki and Momo say similar things whenever this topic comes up. lol

G: (lol)

G: Even though a lot of things happened, thanks to Yotsuba and Rokuya, the recording was a lot of fun.

T: It’s great that you say that!

[Choice 1]

T: How’s the recording for the new song going?

G: I sang as earnestly as usual, but maybe because I had a Mexican hairstyle, the staff members were a bit confused. Now that I think about it, I probably did something extreme (lol)

[Choice 2]

T: How was Tamaki’s condition?

G: We recorded the cover song together. Yotsuba’s English singing is as good as usual. It was so cool that even I was fascinated.

[Choice 3]

T: How was Nagi’s condition?

G: During break time, we used the tablet that Rokuya brought to watch anime together. Listening to such detailed explanations while watching, even if it were someone who watched this for the first time, they could easily understand the work’s world view.

G: Speaking of, we’re doing a surprise for Nikaido’s birthday on the second day of the Valentine’s Day Live, right?

T: Yes, that day is Yamato’s birthday, so everyone was planning on whether they could do something.

G: Don’t speak like we’re outsiders; bring us over to play, too.

T: Eh, but

T: I heard that TRIGGER is only participating in the first day of the Valentine’s Day Live.

G: Ah, that’s true. Then we’ll find a way to make an appearance on the second day.

T: Really?!

G: It’s still only in the planning stage, but we can’t miss out on this kind of ceremony.

T: That’s great!! I’m sure everyone will be really happy!!

T: Then I’ll go and confirm with Anesagi-san!!                

G: Okay. I’ll likely contact you in the group once we’ve made some adjustments with related personnel and officially confirmed it.

T: Thank you very much! I’m really looking forward to it!

G: (thumbs-up Pudding emoji)

T: (sparkly Kinako emoji)

 PART 3 – At Each One’s Respective Place

T: Thank you for your hard work, Yaotome-san! Thank you very much for today’s Valentine’s Day Live!

G: Thank you for your hard work as well, Takanashi.

G: The venue over there is really lively, right?

T: Yes, when TRIGGER appeared on the big screen, the cheers were about to lift the roof off!

T: There were also a lot of fans holding merchandise that said “Beach Live Concert Tour” at our venue!

G: That’s very pleasing. It must be merchandise purchased at the Yokohama performance last week.

T: There were also fans who spoke in Kansai, so there was probably also merchandise purchased from the Kobe performance!

G: Beach Live was unprecedented at both Yokohama and Kobe, and I felt the same enthusiasm today as well.

T: How is the Hokkaido venue?

G: The snow is falling harder than we imagined. Actually, right up until the performance started, we were holding our breaths wondering if we could successfully hold the concert.

T: Ah! Is that so?

G: The flight was also delayed because of bad weather conditions, and the railway was completely out of service. We went to the venue completely by car.

T: That must have been hard. I didn’t think so many difficult things happened ><

T: How deep is the snow?

G: Probably over one metre. When Ryu heard it, his eyes were round.

T: Since it usually doesn’t get this deep in Tokyo. Is everything going smoothly at the live?

G: The staff members tried their hardest to shovel the snow surrounding the stage. They even used a snow-removing vehicle.

G: The snow stopped in the afternoon, so we managed to make it to the performance.

T: I didn’t think that such an amazing live would have such a story behind it…!

G: No matter what, it’s great that we were able to successfully hold the concert.

G: But I once again felt that the success of a live is the result of many staff members’ support and mutual hard work.

G: And for the fans that braved the snow for us, it won’t be enough no matter how many times we thank them.

T: It really is like that…

T: I’m sure Yaotome-san’s feelings of thanks can reach everyone!

G: Yes, that would be the best.

G: How was our live?

[Choice 1]

T: Everyone’s dance moves were really great!

G: Actually we all had non-slip pads on the bottom of our shoes; it’s good that no one noticed (lol)

[Choice 2]

T: The song that was revised according to Valentine’s Day was really great!

G: Even though it was a familiar song, it felt like it had become a new song after being revised. It felt really refreshing to us as well.

[Choice 3]

T: Everyone’s stage costumes were really great!

G: They were clothes using gold and black as the base, and they really suit the venue lights’ atmosphere, right?

G: Tomorrow is Nikaido’s birthday surprise, right? We will also be connecting through a live broadcast, so please (take care of us)!

T: Yes! And please take care of us!

G: After the birthday celebration will be the simultaneous live broadcast of the new song between three major cities, right? I’m really looking forward to it.

G: Since the fans don’t know that it will be a version sung by all twelve people, the venue here will definitely be very lively tomorrow, too.

T: The venue here at Tokyo will probably be unprecedented as well!

T: I’m really looking forward to it, please look after us tomorrow!

G: Ah, same here.

T: (happy Kinako emoji)

G: (happy Kinako emoji)

 Part 4 – In the Cold Winter

G: Good morning, Takanashi.

G: I’m sorry for not being able to reply to your RC at the celebration last night.

T: Good morning, Yaotome-san!

T: I’m sorry for not knowing that you guys were having a celebration yesterday and wanting to quickly thank everyone who performed at the Valentine’s Day Live!

G: Takanashi, you’re too earnest. (lol)

G: Nikaido and the other members also thanked me through RC, even though we already said not to mind it…

T: But Yamato’s birthday surprise could be a success thanks to TRIGGER’s help!

T: Thank you so much!

G: It’s great that the surprise could be a success.

G: Nikaido was the only one who didn’t know that we would be participating on the second day, right? Did it shock him?

T: Yes! Very surprised!

T: When TRIGGER appeared on the big screen and sang the birthday song, Yamato was so surprised that he looked at the screen twice!

G: (lol)

G: We were talking about this even during the celebration.

G: It’s not that easy to see Nikaido shaken (lol)

T: Yamato really was especially happy, it’s great that it was a success!

[Choice 1]

T: How was the second day of the Valentine’s Day Live?

G: During the MC of the first half of the live, we said that in a while we would be connecting to give Nikaido a birthday surprise. Everyone laughed and agreed, so I felt really happy. Nikaido is loved by our fans as well.

[Choice 2]

T: How was the birthday song that everyone sang together?

G: After connecting through the live broadcast, we were the first to sing, right, so we were a bit nervous. We even debated whether to sing Yamato or Nikaido after the “happy birthday dear” part. In the end, we still ended up singing his full name (lol)

[Choice 3]

T: How was the song that all twelve members sang together?

G: Three cities simultaneously doing a live broadcast, Tokyo and Northern Europe being connected really felt especially incredible. This means that we successfully showered chocolate snow around the whole world, right?

G: Thinking back, it really was a fulfilling day.

T: Really!

T: Where did TRIGGER hold their celebration?

G: We reserved an entire sushi place and invited all staff members and the people who helped to clear the snow. We wanted to thank them no matter what.

T: How nice!

G: And also, we simply wanted to try Hokkaido’s sushi.

T: Not bad! Even I want to try it now! lol

G: Me too (lol)

G: Even though I just ate it yesterday.

G: There’s still a bit of time before boarding the flight, so I’m going to go look around and buy some things.

T: Has Yaotome-san arrived at the airport now?

G: Yes. We’re taking the morning flight back to Tokyo.

T: Sorry for sending you RC when you’re so busy ><

G: It’s okay. I was the one who messaged you first. Thank you for chatting with me.

G: I’ll also go see if there are any souvenirs that I can buy for you and IDOLiSH7.

T: Ahhh please don’t mind it…!

G: I’m the one who wants to bring it for you guys, so don’t worry. I’ll bring it along next time we work together.

T: Thank you so much!!

T: I’ll also be making some small Valentine’s Day snacks next time, so I’ll bring some along as well when we greet everyone!

G: Thank you, I look forward to it.

T: (shy Pudding emoji)

 Part 5 – Gaku’s Valentine’s Day

G: Thank you for your hard work, Takanashi. I’m sorry for missing out today.

G: Thank you for the gift you sent. It was delicious.

T: Thank you for your hard work, Yaotome-san! I’m very thankful that you especially sent a RC to contact me!

T: It’s great that the things I sent were to your taste! In accordance with the image of the new song, I tried to make white truffles.

G: I see, so the chocolate was made to resemble snow.

G: Tenn really enjoyed it as well, and even had his eyes on mine and Ryu’s share.

T: (laughing Kinako emoji)

T: It’s great that I could make you guys happy!

T: The office received souvenirs sent from Hokkaido a few days ago. I didn’t think we’d receive such a big crab! The president and the employees were so happy that they jumped!

G: Mentioning Hokkaido means crabs, right?

G: Even though Tenn said, “Are you really going to send this?” I made the decision myself. Ryu also bought it to send to his family.

T: So he even bought some for his own purpose. Then this means…

G: Yes, we’re having crab pot tonight. Ryu’s special.

T: As I thought!

G: I heard that IDOLiSH7 held a friendship chocolate party. We were also planning to have a Valentine’s Day gathering, but it already turned out to be a crab pot gathering (lol)

T: It feels like I saw an excitedly cooking Tsunashi-san.

G: We also bought chocolate and red wine for Valentine’s Day. I’ll show you a photo.

T: Really! There’s so much on the table!

G: There was no time to make them ourselves, so we bought ready-made ones.

G: We also brought a bit of the souvenirs from the cities we visited during Beach Live. It’s an appreciation of good food from different places.

[Choice 1]

T: Which one does Yaotome-san like the most?

G: For me, probably the red wine. It was the first time I could compare and appreciate red wine bought from places all around Japan. Lately, the taste of the wine produced by our country doesn’t lose to wine from overseas.

[Choice 2]

T: Which one does Kujo-san like the most?

G: For Tenn, probably the chocolate. He’s very weak to limited local products. He always says, “We’re already here,” and then buys a whole bunch.

[Choice 3]

T: Which one does Tsunashi-san like the most?

G: Ryu likes the crab most. During the celebration in Hokkaido, he happily ate a whole bunch as well. He seems to really like it.

T: An appreciation of good food from all around the world. How nice! We should try it next time as well!

G: Gathering souvenirs brought from all around the world by seven people would be really extravagant. Call on us then, too.

T: Okay! Definitely!

T: (sparkly Kinako emoji)

G: (laughing Kinako emoji)

Follow me on Twitter for more of my IDOLiSH7 shenanigans! 

[goodnightkisseu]

Kim Jaehwan - Spring Trip

Genre: Fluff

“When We Met” Series: [Minhyun][Jihoon][Jaehwan][Guanlin][Daehwi] [Jinyoung][Jisung][Woojin][Seongwu][Sungwoon][Daniel]

Note: Hi everyone! I’m back with another series and this time, it’s a particularly special one because it’s a series that will be counting down to Wanna One’s 1st Anniversary! I’m calling it “When We Met” because it’ll be a series of scenarios, using Wanna One’s individual debut teasers as starting points for how you meet!

This is also a series in collaboration with @nothingwithoutwannaone​​! She will be writing her own versions of how you meet and I will link them in each post ^^

Today we have Jaehwan’s version! This one was actually a lot of fun for me, tho tbh, I’ve just been enjoying this series as a whole. It’s been a lot of fun to watch these teasers again ^^

nothingwithoutwannaone​‘s version —> [x]

- goodnightkisseu’s admin <3

If you were going to be honest, you were actually enjoying your time at university. Of course, you had settled into a bit of a rhythm now that you were in your last year, but the experience wasn’t a bad one. Sure, there were things that were less than ideal. Sometimes you would end up swamped with assignments or you would have to stay late on campus, maybe pull a couple of all-nighters.  You had definitely had your share of rowdy neighbors as well, but, overall, these things aside, university had been great. You were learning a lot and you had met some amazing people, that you could see becoming longtime friends.  

That being said, this last quarter, however… had been complete and utter hell.

You had a hard time planning your classes to all fall in a consecutive block of time, which forced you to arrive to campus early, and leave campus late. This strange spread in your classes also led you to having a couple hours here and there to study. Though, this was great in theory, you were actually having a hard time because you found that you couldn’t focus your mind on one topic very well before you had to switch gears to your next course. You also were part of an unfortunate few who had all of their midterms shoved into a 48 hour period, meaning that you were up for many, many nights trying to prep for all of them. Honestly, everything in the universe just aligned in the worst way possible. No amount of coffee or cake was really helping you survive it.

And yet, you did. Sure, in the final weeks you were probably the most irritable and sleep deprived person around, but you made it through. Seeing yours and another friend’s struggle throughout the quarter, your friends decided to plan a trip once finals were over. They all suggested that your group take some time away from campus, away from the stress of your final days in university. You were a bit hesitant at first to really relax during your break because you felt like you put a lot of things off in order to do well in your courses. You thought you didn’t need a break, or rather than you couldn’t afford at the moment, but then Chungha, being both the voice of reason and a fun-seeker, convinced you to do it. So you were going to do it. A break couldn’t hurt, right?

Once you were on board with the whole thing, they told you about the plan. There was a cute little beach house that they were thinking of renting. It had direct access to the beach and was also in walking distance of the local town and restaurants. It was the perfect getaway spot. Of course, such a prime location wasn’t cheap, and being broke college students, it was not something that only a handful of you could afford. Realizing this, a couple of people suggested pulling along some extra friends that they also thought could enjoy a week away from the campus. It had the potential to be a bit awkward, but it wouldn’t hurt to meet some new people either.

So with a bit more planning, the twelve of you were all set to go. Everyone had received the list of things that they would be bringing with, as long as who they would be driving or receiving a ride from. Being one of the few that lived further out, you were automatically nominated to drive, which was fine. You picked up the non-alcoholic beverages that had been assigned to you before you threw all of your things into the car and headed over to your friend, Hyojin’s. Thing was, even though you were a prompt person, Hyojin was not. You sat in Hyojin’s room for a good twenty minutes while she tried to pack her suitcase full of things she thought would ‘impress the guys.’ Eventually you guys left and were able to pick up your next friend, which went far smoother, given how long Hyojin took. Still, by the time you got to your last friend, you were already about an hour late and you were now tasked with getting the four of you there in a timely manner, even if it seemed damn near impossible in the bad traffic.

By some miracle – maybe the universe had some pity on you after putting you through hell – your group was only about an hour and a half late, which was better than your original estimate. Granted, everyone else was already there and settled in. When they heard your car pulling in though, many of them came out to help you unload the car. You worked with Chungha to unpack all of the drinks into the refrigerator as she asked you what took so long, to which you only gestured at Hyojin, who was busily chatting up some of the guys.

“That’s what you get for living near her. I told you to call her early…” Chungha pointed out, practically singing her words as you rolled your eyes.

“I did though,” you said in an exasperated tone as you handed the last of the cans to Chungha. “But you know Hyojin. She just does what she wants…”

“That’s also true,” she said with a giggle before closing the refrigerator door. “So, I don’t think that we have any group plans today. I know that there was talks of starting up a movie here, and some of the others are just kind of doing their own thing in town. We’re planning for the beach and barbeque tomorrow, so maybe just take your stuff upstairs and see what you want to do from there?”

You gave your close friend a nod as she patted your head, like she always did, before you picked up your bag and made your further into the home. Honestly, though you wanted to be social and hang out with everyone, after the ordeal that was driving here, you were kind of done for the day. Maybe the exhaustion from exam week hadn’t quite passed yet, because you were still feeling rather low energy. Maybe you would just hang out in the room for a bit and see how you felt after that? Yeah, that sounded like a good plan.

With that you continued on your way, still kind of lost in your own thoughts. Even so, you could have sworn that you heard the sound of a guitar, the sound of someone singing. Well that was odd. Were you still a bit sleep deprived? Who could be singing, and why would they be by the stairs of all places? You had to have been imagining things.

So, thinking that it was all in your head, you quickly shook it, and headed at a quick pace up the stairs. Maybe you were moving at too fast of a clip as you rounded the corner because before you knew it, you had come face to face with a pair of very wide brown eyes. They stared back at you as your tired brain tried to process exactly what was going on. When it registered to you that you had inevitably invaded this person’s bubble, you quickly took a step back and bowed deeply.

“I’m so sorry! I really should have watched where I was going!” you said quickly, embarrassed by yourself. . Really? You thought you were hallucinating that? Oh dear lord you needed sleep.

“Not your fault,” he said with a sheepish smile. You didn’t notice, maybe because you were so flustered, but he had kind of been staring at you, as if he were in awe by your presence. He wasn’t usually this odd, but coming face to face with you so suddenly, it really shook his heart. “I probably deserve it for playing on the stairs like this. Thing is, it’s the only area where there aren’t people right now…”

You nodded in understanding. With so many people in the house, it would be difficult to find some privacy. You figured that’s what he was looking for. “I get that. A lot of them are hanging out in the living room. Probably not the optimal place for practicing. Outside is an option, but it’s pretty hot out today too. I don’t blame you for hanging out here…”

His smile grew, excited that you had come to the same conclusion he had. It was like you really understood him without even knowing who he was. “I’m Jaehwan by the way,” he said, introducing himself.

“Oh! You’re Daniel’s friend!” you exclaimed with a small smile. Daniel had been the unlucky one that shared this quarter of hell with you. He had mentioned that he had a friend that played guitar. He said that he had an amazing voice too, and it was a shame that he wasn’t considering music for a career. When it was decided that you would all be going on this trip, Daniel told you he would be inviting this friend along since he thought that the two of you would get along. Who would have thought that you would meet like this?

“Yeah, how’d you know?” Jaehwan asked, his eyes widening again.

“Daniel had mentioned your name before. He told me that he had a friend that was a musician,” you said happily before introducing yourself to him. “By the way, where is Daniel?”

“Asleep. As soon as he got here, he just kind of passed out. I don’t really know the others as well, so I’ve just been kind of hanging back, hoping he’d wake up soon. But Daniel…” Jaehwan trailed off, and you gave a knowing smile.

“Sleeps like a log and doesn’t wake up unless you do something like roll him off the bed?” you suggested, earning a slow nod, and a bit of a look from Jaehwan. It took you a minute to process why he was giving you that look, but when you realized how your words sounded, you quickly shook your head. “Daniel and I aren’t like that. We’re just friends,” you said quickly, waving your hands in front of you. “Daniel just fell asleep on my bed once when we were studying, and I literally had to push him off to get him to go home…”

Jaehwan couldn’t explain it, but for some reason, he felt a sense of relief when you admitted that you and Daniel were nothing more than friends. Was it… because… he found you attractive too? Honestly, Daniel had told him about you, in very vague terms, but he didn’t believe his friend at first. Now that he saw you though… you just kind of turned him into a bumbling mess. That was when something dawned on him. “Ah! So you’re the reason he came home with that nasty bruise on his side that one time!”

It was time for you to give a sheepish smile. “I didn’t know that he had so many things in his bag… I didn’t think he’d fall on anything so hard…”

Jaehwan couldn’t help but smile. You were just so cute. “Well, between you and me… I think you were in the right to push him off,” he whispered, making you giggle. The sound made his heart skip a beat as the two of you sat on the stairs and continued to talk…

========

“I can totally teach you how to play!” Jaehwan said enthusiastically. The two of you were now seated on a sofa, your backs leaning against each of the arms. You had moved your conversation away from the stairs when people started to use them more, and were now seated in a little area, just above the stairs. Those that weren’t in their rooms resting for the night were downstairs playing a drunken game of truth or dare. You and Jaehwan decided to skip the festivities for the night, wanting to be sober enough for the beach in the morning.

“Would you really?!” you asked, a bit excited at the thought. You had been telling Jaehwan about how you had always wanted to learn guitar, but your parents didn’t think that it was an instrument that would suit you, having you learn violin instead.  And, truth be told, learning from Jaehwan would have been great. He was knowledgeable, and in the short amount of time that the two of you had spent together you had grown really comfortable with him. He was a bit silly, and overall a lot of fun. You didn’t even feel tired anymore. And maybe… maybe there was more than that too, but it was too early to say.

“Of course I would. I’d definitely make time to teach you how to play,” he reassured you as he started to strum away on his guitar, an idea seemingly popping into his head. “How about I play something for you now? Would you enjoy something like that?” he asked eagerly, as he looked over at you, trying to read your features in moonlight that had come dancing through the window.

You couldn’t help but give him a bit of a look. “Kim Jaehwan, are you trying to serenade me?” you asked, teasing him a bit.

He chuckled, but this time it didn’t seem as shy as before. He was filled with confidence now, confidence that you didn’t know existed in him. “Maybe I am. I guess you’ll just have to find out,” he said cryptically, and before you could get another word in edgewise, he had already begun to play his song for you…

[your-dietician]

NHL officiating in the playoffs has been nothing short of haphazard

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/nhl/nhl-officiating-in-the-playoffs-has-been-nothing-short-of-haphazard/

NHL officiating in the playoffs has been nothing short of haphazard

You may be thinking of several more incidents left unmentioned. Maybe something from the Bruins’ playoff run?

Rage against the referees has been a part of hockey since the puck was a chunk of wood and the sticks were fashioned from saplings. There used to be a few cameras in the building, and now there’s a few hundred, and we can clearly see what the officials a few feet away miss, as the players skate by in a blur. Maybe we should accept that they’re going to miss some bad ones.

Judging by the numbers, nothing should change. On average, officials call more penalties in the playoffs than in the regular season. According to the NHL, playoff games in the last two seasons have averaged 8.33 penalty calls, compared with 7.05 during the regular season.

But that doesn’t sound right, does it? When the prize is greater, players battle harder, empty their tanks completely, finish checks more violently. Why aren’t there more penalties called?

NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly, through a league spokesperson, told the Globe that players, not officials, determine the calls.

“Officials are directed and encouraged to call the same standard as in the regular season,” Daly said. “That’s always been the case, but it’s been an even greater point of emphasis in recent years. What changes in the playoffs is the way the game is played on the ice, and that changes how officiating is perceived.”

Not everyone buys that.

“It’s different from regular season to playoffs. The refs are letting a little bit more stuff go,” Vegas winger Jonathan Marchessault said, calling it “adversity that teams need to face in the playoffs. Good teams will find a way to go through it. Just have to battle through it. Find a way.”

More bluntly, NBC analyst Brian Boucher tweeted he was “tired of people crying about officiating. Deal with it!”

Sure … but … why? Do we want what amounts to a different rulebook for the postseason?

Does it make sense that Connor McDavid can go eight games over the last two playoffs without drawing a penalty, despite numerous clear-cut infractions against him? Analyst Rachel Doerrie said she watched every McDavid shift from the Oilers-Jets series and counted 30 non-calls. McDavid, as you’d expect from the league’s premier talent, had the most offensive-zone puck possession time of any player during the regular season, according to Sportlogiq. He earned 53 penalty calls in 120 games, ranking sixth in the NHL. Not one penalty call in the postseason?

Longtime NHL official Kerry Fraser, who retired in 2010, said the missed calls this year have been “troublesome,” pointing to a “regression” in the performance of veterans in stripes.

“This is painful to say, and to watch, because I know all these guys, and worked with some of them,” Fraser said on TSN 1050 in Toronto. “They’re good people. They don’t deserve the kind of work that they’re putting forth.

“That’s not fair. That’s not right. As a player, you would look at yourself first. But you would also look at the kind of direction you’re getting … you’ve got to look at the game plan.”

Paul Stewart, the longtime former NHL ref from Dorchester, noted in a phone conversation that officials don’t have regular pregame meetings during the season, but they do in the playoffs. That’s where all kinds of bugs can be put in their ears — like “No. 11 is cheating on faceoffs,” he said, conjuring an example that would perk the ears of Bruce Cassidy.

Though the league has denied it, “letting the players play” is a long-accepted practice. A few seasons ago (2017), the NHL told its men in stripes to focus on slashes to the hands. That’s how we get what happened in Game 4 of Vegas-Montreal: Joel Edmundson retaliated by cross-checking William Carrier into the boards (no call), Suzuki hooked Alec Martinez on the hands (penalty).

“This is an annual event,” Fraser said. “We have one set of rules in the regular season, and then a whole different standard in the playoffs.

“Yes, we like to let them play, but when you let the players decide the outcome of a game, which I never subscribed to, then you’re actually as a referee letting things go that could affect the outcome of the game.

“Draw the line. Players will play within it. They’re smart. But if you let the inmates run the prison, the warden might as well take his skates off and watch it on TV.”

Canada’s best

Canadiens an unlikely finalist, or are they?

Few expected to see the Canadiens in the Stanley Cup Final, but the Habs are four wins away from lifting their first Cup since 1993.Vaughn Ridley/Getty

This is as deep as the Canadiens have been in a generation. They have not been to the Stanley Cup Final since 1993, when they won the most recent Cup in their (and Canada’s) history.

And they got there on an overtime goal. The last time they went to the Final on an OT winner was … for the sake of anyone who remembers 1979, let’s not go there. Already too much discussion of penalties here.

But give the Habs their props. They took it to a Vegas team that rolled over the West Division, and now we have to question whether the West, not the North, was the weakest division in hockey. The Knights went a combined 33-6-1 against the Ducks, Coyotes, Kings, Sharks and Blues, two of which (Arizona and St. Louis) made the playoffs last year. They split with Colorado (4-4-0) and went 3-4-1 against surprising Minnesota.

Entering the postseason, the commonly held belief was that Colorado, Vegas and Tampa were the three best teams, and that an eventual Avalanche-Knights series would be a de-facto Cup Final. But the Avs flunked out, and the Habs shut down that raucous party in the scorching desert summer.

This, from a team that fired Claude Julien and finished 18th in the regular-season standings. Montreal was supposed to be blown out by Toronto in the first round. But after offing the Maple Leafs in seven (coming back from a 3-1 deficit) and sweeping the Jets, here they are.

Not enough offense? Young talent too unreliable? Carey Price is washed up? Oublie ça. Forget it.

A major key, to this eye: after Julien was fired in February, interim coach Dominique Ducharme — who last week gave way to assistant Luke Richardson because of a positive COVID-19 test — asked his team to play more passively in the neutral zone. Similar to the Islanders, the Canadiens play patient and reliable defense, work as a unit, and strike off turnovers. They don’t dominate the puck or own the offensive zone. It doesn’t matter. They had 14 different goal scorers, a dozen among the forwards.

Nick Suzuki is making plays all over the ice, showing why Julien liked to compare him with a Patrice Bergeron-in-training. Shutdown center Phillip Danault neutralized Mark Stone (0-0—0, seven shots) to a degree rarely seen, after having a similar effect on the Maple Leafs’ Auston Matthews. Brendan Gallagher, after missing the last six weeks of the regular season with a broken thumb, is back in his heart-and-soul role, irritating Vegas stalwart Alex Pietrangelo enough to draw consistent attention away from the play. Corey Perry is still an on-ice jerk, albeit one with some gas left in his tank.

Montreal leans heavily on four big defenders (Ben Chiarot, Shea Weber, Jeff Petry and Joel Edmundson), all of whom play 23-25 minutes a night. Jon Merrill (13) and Erik Gustafsson (sub-10) don’t see much action, the latter used mostly for power plays. Montreal is 11-0 this postseason when scoring twice. While Price has been stellar, he isn’t making a slew of spectacular stops. He’s seeing pucks.

It’s a team that blends age (Perry and Eric Staal, both 36; Weber, 35; Price, 33) with youth (Suzuki, 21; Jesperi Kotkaniemi and Cole Caufield, 20) and had enough grit to withstand whatever Vegas threw its way.

Caufield, the Habs’ version of Alex DeBrincat, scored four times in the series, including a Game 6 goal that showed his touch, acceleration, shot and verve. After Vegas netminder Robin Lehner shut him down on a Game 4 breakaway and cracked how five-hole or high glove were Caufield’s two moves, the rookie roasted him upstairs.

After sitting Caufield for the first two games against the Leafs (and Kotkaniemi for Game 1), Ducharme found one of the breakout stars of the playoffs. Game 6 was the ex-Wisconsinite’s 24th career game, his 14th in the playoffs. Caufield won the Hobey Baker some 10 weeks ago. He can still win the Calder Trophy next year.

If Tampa is next, Montreal won’t shrink. They enter the final having killed 30 consecutive power plays — a league-record 13 straight games without a PPG allowed — so why would the Lightning’s man-advantage scare them?

Abuse allegations

Ex-Blackhawks video coach accused of sexual assault

Think of the Chicago Blackhawks of the 2010s and what comes to mind? Probably the names of star players — Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Duncan Keith — and the three Cups they won.

The legacy of that team might be shifting.

TSN recently uncovered stunning claims of sexual assault on the watch of the Blackhawks’ management. The Canadian outlet reported that two former Blackhawks reported to then-skills coach Paul Vincent in May 2010 that they had been abused by video coach Brad Aldrich, who went on to abuse others at subsequent career stops.

Vincent, of Beverly, told TSN recently his plea to Hawks management to take the allegations to Chicago police was rejected. He says he is willing to testify on behalf of the plaintiffs in court.

In May, two unnamed players filed lawsuits against the franchise, alleging the team covered up alleged abuses by Aldrich.

According to multiple reports, Aldrich was convicted of abusing a 17-year-old player in Houghton, Mich., in 2013. He resigned from his position as Miami University hockey operations months before, under suspicion of “unwanted touching of a male adult,” according to police records obtained by TSN.

A former Blackhawks marketing official told TSN that Alrdich would “routinely befriend young interns” and invite them to hang out at his Chicago apartment. The official said he was told to “steer clear” of Aldrich because he had “tried something” with a few players, and that “the entire training staff, a lot of people knew” about Aldrich’s behavior — it was “open secret,” the official said.

It is a situation the Blackhawks and the NHL must address. Neither entity has commented.

Raising awareness

Ex-Stars defenseman roller-blading for mental health

Former Stars defenseman Stephen Johns is roller-blading and road-tripping across the US to raise awareness for mental health.Ron Jenkins/Associated Press

Got big summer plans? Stephen Johns didn’t, until a couple weeks ago.

The former Dallas defenseman, who did not play last season because of post-concussion syndrome, retired June 13 and announced a new adventure: he’s roller-blading and road-tripping across the US to raise awareness for mental health.

Johns, from Wampum, Pa., reports he traveled from Pittsburgh to Wisconsin in his first week, logging roughly 40 miles a day. He’s on three wheels, with a helmet, elbow pads and wrist guards, and has a friend, Jeff Toates, driving alongside him, documenting the trip and carrying necessities. There has been lace bite and leg burn. In Chicago, the former Notre Dame standout skated to Lake Michigan and did a front flip into the water.

The genesis of the trip was Johns’s battle with depression, which sank him during a 2018-19 season in which he suffered a head injury during training camp in Boise, Idaho. He did not play the entire season. After 22 months away from the game, he returned to play 17 games in 2020, earning a finalist nod for the Masterton Trophy.

Johns recently wrote on Instagram that he was “tired of letting depression destroy my life,” and wanted to provide the same kind of inspiration to those facing their own battles.

“What I miss most about the game of hockey is providing inspiration,” he wrote. “If I can inspire one person to climb out of their hole, then that’s a successful trip.”

Loose pucks

Former Flyers coach Dave Hakstol is taking over the expansion Seattle Kraken ahead of their first season.Ken Lambert/Associated Press

Swerve in Seattle: Dave Hakstol, who coached the Flyers (and made a pair of first-round exits) from 2015-19 and was a Maple Leafs assistant the last two years, is the expansion Kraken’s first head coach. Hakstol did good work with Toronto’s defense (in two years, 26th to seventh in goals against). Bruce Cassidy and Mike Sullivan, among many others, would tell you that all you need is a second chance … Gerard Gallant, the Rangers’ replacement for David Quinn, wants to coach the “hardest-working team in the league,” which is a thing often said during introductory press conferences. Will GM Chris Drury add a few gritty types to fill out the roster? Are the Rangers a playoff team next season? We say yes, and no … Expecting some team to overpay for Vegas’ Alec Martinez, the defense-first, top-four defender with two Stanley Cup rings from Los Angeles. Same feeling about Tampa’s David Savard and Blake Coleman, and whichever UFAs the Islanders don’t re-sign on their fourth line … The Sedin twins are back in Vancouver, Canucks GM Jim Benning hiring them as special advisers to learn the management side. “We care about this team,” Henrik said, noting that he and brother Daniel have a lot to learn. Any fresh ideas on how to sign RFAs Elias Pettersson and Quinn Hughes, with $15 million in cap space and a roster that currently includes 15 skaters? … The NWHL’s Toronto Six made a splashy move, hiring Hockey Hall of Famer Angela James as an assistant coach … Who’s going to be a more interesting TV analyst: Wayne Gretzky on Turner or Mark Messier on ESPN? Not expecting spicy takes from either … RIP to René Robert, a member of the Sabres’ famed French Connection line, who died at 72. Robert gave Buffalo its first win in a Stanley Cup Final game by finishing Game 3 against the Flyers in 1975 with an OT strike in a foggy Buffalo Auditorium … Podcast recommendation: Bernie Corbett’s “Games People Play,” featuring lengthy interviews with a range of sports figures (including the Globe’s Bob Ryan and John Powers). Hockey subjects include Keith Tkachuk, Theo Fleury, Bryan Trottier and Eddie Johnston … Draft trivia: forward Cole Sillinger, a first-round prospect, is the son of well-traveled Mike Sillinger, who made an NHL-record 12 stops during his 18-year career. Cole was born during his father’s two-year stay in Columbus … The aluminum bottles and cans were likely empty — why would anyone waste a drop? — when Islanders fans celebrated a Game 6 win by giving the Nassau Coliseum sheet a silver shower. Throwing objects is normally a protest, not a celebration, but that’s life at the old barn in Uniondale. “That building coming into overtime was smelling like cigarettes,” mused winning goal-scorer Anthony Beauvillier. “Now it smells like beers.”

Matt Porter can be reached at matthew.porter@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter: @mattyports.

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[dailyexo]

[NEWS] 170825 Billboard: “How EXO's 'The War' Came Together: A Song-By-Song Breakdown With the Band, Its Producers & More”

A behind-the-scenes look at what went into making summer's hottest K-pop album.

From the frenetic synths of “Going Crazy” to the dreamlike melodies of “Walk on Memories,” EXO's latest album, The War, held nothing back from fans. Pulling inspiration from funk, reggae, EDM, trap and more, then weaving it all together through top-notch production, it proved a logical progression in their sonic journey and a summer-friendly successor to the group's darker previous album, Ex'Act.

With The War, EXO topped Billboard's World Albums chart for two consecutive weeks and went on to sell over 1 million copies globally, proving that the EXO-L fandom is sticking around for the boy band's evolution.

Learn what went into the hottest K-pop album of the summer from the members themselves and some of the producers behind its hottest tracks.

“The Eve”

Mike Woods: I was one of the producers on “The Eve” which was originally titled “Black Dress.” I wrote it alongside Kevin White, Andrew Bazzi and Henry Lau. Originally the song was for Henry Lau's project, but we all felt that it going to EXO would be best for everyone as it was a perfect record for them. The sound came about from us wanting something sexy and melodic, but also performance driven. We wanted to paint a dark and mysterious vibe, hence the title “Black Dress.” We wrote the song during a writing camp for SM [Entertainment] -- we basically write one to two songs a day for about 10 days and see what we come up with. “The Eve” came about on the fourth day of the camp and only took us one day to complete, from conception of music and lyrics to the final composition. We recorded the demo for the song the same day of conception.

“Ko Ko Bop”

Styalz Fuego: I went out to Seoul early November last year. It was maybe 10 of us ... and basically we were all put in the the SM studios for a couple of weeks. It was my first time out there. [You're] basically hearing a quick [overview] of the whole scene and everything that's going on in K-pop and then you're put in the rooms every day to just write songs. “Ko Ko Bop” was maybe the fourth of fifth day in. The first couple of days I was trying to get a hang of [it.] I listened to a lot of K-pop, but still, it's a different scene to write a song [for] because it's so much more complex. [K-pop songs] have so many more moving components to them, than say, if you're out in L.A. writing, trying to make things very simple and trying to get to the core of the lyric and have the beat as simple as possible.

I kinda knew as soon as we'd done the song and we played it back for everyone, just from the response we got to the song it was gonna be something, but I had no idea it'd be [EXO's]. Going into writing that song, it was basically to do something with the reggae feel, that was the main thing we were aiming for. It took a whole different direction with the crazy drop section after the chorus. We went into this doing a reggae-pop song and it transformed into what it is.

I don't think it was ever for EXO -- I think it was more for a female group. Shaylen [Carroll, co-producer] did the demo. When they did the playback for everyone at SM, [we thought] they would essentially understand this is for one of the girl groups. A girl is singing it and it's in the range of what the girls can sing. The song was actually in a higher key -- I think three semitones higher -- so it was more fitted for a female [group] originally.

But I guess it worked out well because we had a few of our voices in the song spread out, so I guess when they started picking where the song could go, it made sense for EXO because there are so many different sections vocally.

Shaylen Carroll: I wrote the lyrics and melodies with Tay Jasper, then I sang the demo. It's a “feel good” type of track, so the melodies came easily. Styalz's stuff is easy to write to. When I was recording some melody ideas I kept on singing nonsense phrases and one was “Shimmy shimmy Ko Ko Bop,” which we all thought was super quirky and catchy. So we built off that and turned it into something real. The song is about not worrying about things... Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow! Don't worry about the haters.

Jared Cotter, Shaylen's manager: [SM Entertainment] let us know it was being considered for a girl group.

Carroll: [I] definitely never thought it would get flipped to EXO, but obviously we are thrilled it did. We [knew] it was special when we finished it. I am really glad it found the home that it did.

Chen: [The members and I] wrote the lyrics separately and worked on putting the lyrics together for the song afterwards. We worked on the song using a special method, where we gathered all three of our lyrics for the song and selected which lyrics would suit the song the best. I don't think I have any regrets or wish that it could have better since it's the best result produced through all the effort that our members and other various writers have put into the process. Through the lyrics, I wanted “Ko Ko Bop” to have people shake off all their stress and enjoy themselves just as who they are.

Baekhyun: I felt that a lot of our fans were unable to fully enjoy our concerts or performances because they're conscious of what others would think. Since “Ko Ko Bop” is a reggae and EDM genre and it's easy to groove to, I wanted my lyrics to have people to become more carefree, release their stress and dance away with the music.

“What U Do?”

Ronny Svendsen: The song was written in Seoul last December. We went over to Korea to do a camp for SM with our, at the time, new publishing company called Ekko Music Rights. We tried to create a song that would be danceable and organic sounding with emphasis on real instruments -- bass, guitar, piano. The song was really based around the guitars and a simple chord progression. Sound-wise we had a reference from another boy band of SM Entertainment's called NCT, which we originally aimed for: danceable, but not “synthy.”

“Forever”

Greg Bonnick of LDN NOISE: This was written in Seoul with Kenzie and Adrian McKinnon. We knew the vibe was perfect for EXO so we worked on it for about a week on and off to get it right, trying different chords and toplines. The intro part was initially the chorus. We thought, “Great, we nailed it,” but once we listened back, it needed to go up another gear. We then added the extra section, which is now the chorus, and it came to life and made it so much bigger.

To be honest, we wanted to make a “Monster” 2.0 but still be different and bigger, you know? We always have fun when we can mix hard hip-hop verses with a bright chorus, and for a group like EXO, it gives it the perfect balance.

We wanted to make a statement: this song, this album, it's EXO forever. We feel really connected to this group and the fans so it's important we got it right, and the feedback has been amazing, so we are very happy.

“Touch It”

Denzil Remedios: From what I recall, “Touch It” came to Ryan [Jhun]'s hands first. He got the song originally from the Jackie Boyz [Carlos and Steven Battey] and the Fliptonez. I think they sent it to him while we were still in Korea and this was actually more than a year ago now, maybe close to almost two years ago when they sent that record, and it just kinda connected right away. We heard what it could be -- it already sounded like the guts of a smash was there, at least something we could put into a big group's hands. From there, Ryan and I did what we normally do, which is pick it apart and say, “Hey, what parts could get stronger? What could we do extra with the production to pump it a little bit more?” That's how we got the record, and then we just worked on all those elements over probably months back and forth.

“Touch It,” when we first heard it, already had such a non-today-ish vibe -- a classic vibe. It's not like the everyday pop EDM electronic-y sound that everyone's doing, which was refreshing when we first heard it. We were like, “Yo, this sounds like an old Justin Timberlake, almost Michael Jackson type of thing.” That old school vibe. We didn't wanna change the production or toplining to the point where it didn't sound like that anymore. When we were hearing it, sonically we were like, “Cool, this can be something that a group like EXO can take and use for the album and it doesn't sound like everything else they would normally be putting out.”

We were thinking stage performance at the time too. It's just a really fun track that doesn't have to be too serious -- you don't have to have crazy choreography where they drop from the top of the stadium.

Chen: My imagination provides the most inspiration for the lyrics. For “Touch It,” I played out the lyrics in my mind as if it is like a scene from a movie when writing it. After completing the draft, I worked on it by fixing awkward pronunciations by singing along the lyrics with the music. This helped me figure out more suitable and comfortable words that would enhance the groove when listening to the song.

“Chill”

Otha “Vakseen” Davis: We went to a song camp last year -- I wanna say it was November -- and it was probably the third camp my team has been on. Anytime we go to song camps at SM, they usually have a focus for us as far as what to work on and I know we worked on some things for EXO. For any creator, you always wanna try to make an EXO project. We fell in love with the vibe and the energy[of “Chill”] in the studio and SM's team felt the same way about the record. That happened to be one that everybody loved -- the guys loved it ultimately when they heard it.

There were certain elements like the breakdown in “Chill” that was added at the camp, but we came with the ideas already fleshed out. Ultimately, [the breakdown] was to serve as a dance breakdown. K-pop acts, especially EXO, are very performance-oriented, so you wanna have sections to show out. You wanna make something that feels good but still can allow them to move.

Chanyeol: Usually it's common to work on the lyrics based on a demo guide, but for the song “Chill” I worked on the lyrics with an empty track without demo lyrics. I think that’s part of the reason why the lyrics were able to come out pretty naturally.

“Walk on Memories”

Albi Albertsson: In late 2015, Wassily Gradovsky, who was actually interning for me as a producer at that time, brought an instrumental to me, which was later to become the instrumental for “Walk on Memories.” He had recorded a loop on the upright piano I have in my living room and incorporated it into this smooth R&B style beat.

I immediately liked the chord progression and the vibe of the track, so I sent it to Justin Reinstein, a writer from New York who we had just started working with at that time. He had a very smooth topline and vocal style that I thought would be perfect for this track, so he worked on the instrumental to craft the melodies.

From then on it was only finalizing the song: I added stacks of vocal harmonies and other details to make it work better for a group performance and make it more “K-pop,” added some vocal adlibs and then finalized the production by adding more instruments and finalizing the mix.

When I sent it to EXO's A&R, he immediately loved it but wanted a more distinct intro that reflected the fantasy theme he had in mind for the new album. So instead of the very basic intro the track originally had, I came up with a new, more mysterious and vibey intro, which is the intro you can hear in the final version of the song.

Wassily Gradovsky: The track was influenced by the genres of '90s R&B and jazz, reimagined with contemporary sounds. The arrangement of the piano chords -- being arpeggiated from bottom to the top -- was inspired by Justin Timberlake's “Cry Me A River,” but with a lighter and more positive tone. The slightly melancholic bridge, which is modulating into the final uplifting chorus, represents an uplifting, “happy ending” twist to the story.

“Going Crazy”

Otha “Vakseen” Davis: It was something that we did maybe around February of 2016. They loved it and for some reason could not find the right topline for it -- I think they had one originally and it didn't work at the end of the day. So they had this track, it was already placed on EXO and my team was presented with the opportunity to write to it. So I had one of my writers go in and do what he does. Funny enough, it was supposed to go on the Ex'Act album. It was something that they loved, but it didn't make sense then. We were persistent. Between myself and my business partner, we [would say], “Hey, what about this one? Don't forget this record!” Fast forward to now, the new album was coming out, [and] we were finally able to get them to connect. I think we had to make a couple of edits on it between that year or so passing just to make sure it was as fresh as possible.

The track's over a year old -- there's something so special about it because you drop it now, 2017, and it's still hot, still relevant. And that's the goal: create timeless music that can be good any time.

Credit: Billboard.

[everyonesomething]

Session 23b

Edith Runekill smiles fondly. "Heck, first time I talked to Mal I was trying to get him to remember the provenance of a bunch of pottery shards showed up at the museum and prove the importance of proper documentation."

Edith Runekill: "And now look at us." Malkas: "She yelled at me for four non consecutive days." Edith Runekill: "Including on our first date, sorry to say. Glad to say he wasn't sick of the sight of me by the end of it. And we eventually got those provenances figured out."

In this session, we pick up where we left off, minus one elf.

The set-up: It's Edith's turn to tell a story!

The Game: With Pepper dead asleep, Hiram turns his attention to Edith and Mal asking where they're from and how they got acquainted with Grim.

Hiram: "Y'all are from all over, hm?"

"How'd you wind up keepin' company on a job like this?" Edith Runekill: "Well, Mal and I were both living in Neverwinter when we met." Hiram nods Hiram: "Right enough, said that's where y'come down from." "Long way west for you, girl." He looks at Grim. Grim shrugs and keeps eating Grim: "Had a contract on Malkas." Malkas: "Mistaken identity." Edith Runekill shrugs too. "There's a lot going on out west... uh." Edith Runekill: "Yeah." Grim: "Tiefling. Looked like 'im." Hiram raises his eyebrows and studies Grim Hiram: "That right?" Grim grunts irritably at him Edith Runekill exchanges a glance with Mal. Malkas shrugs, "Bad photo." Edith Runekill: "Yeah. Coulda been anyone in that picture." "And I guess we were in the same neck of the woods when it was taken..." Edith Runekill shrugs. "Water under the bridge at this point. Mostly it just meant we were all in the room together when Szass Tam busted up the world's fair, which is how we got on his tail." Hiram: "Together?" Grim: "Weren't givin' up the contract on Malkas 'til I was sure." Grim mutters into her bowl, scraping it clean Hiram: "That so." Edith Runekill: "Sometimes you make friends the strangest ways." Grim putS HER BOWL DOWN Hiram smiles Hiram: "Sometimes the only way."

Hiram admits he didn't take Edith and Mal for a couple at first, but if they're happy together it's no one's business but their own.

Note: Lines written (“Like this”) are comments from a character in present time.

Edith Runekill smiles ruefully. "Wish my parents could see it like that." Helia (GM): FLASHBACK~~~ 8 Months Ago ~~~ Ma and Pa Runekill arrive in the city of Neverwinter via train. Edith Runekill waits on the platform, standing beside Mal. Edith Runekill: "You nervous, Mal?" Malkas: "Nah, I'll be fine." ("I was gonna shit.") Nora R. | The train pulls into the station. Passengers slowly start disembarking. Most of them look like they're from well west of Plaguewrought. No sign of Ma and Pa yet. Pa Runekill finally disembarks, Ma Runekill behind him. He's carrying two large suitcases. Malkas takes a steadying breath. Edith Runekill waves, and then rushes forward to take the bags. "Here, let me—" Malkas: "Oh, I'll uh - " Edith Runekill casts Tenser's Floating Disc beneath the bags, artfully levitating them. Malkas is kinda left reaching for ... nothing. And looking like an idiot. Edith Runekill: "There, that'll make it easier to... uh..." Pa Runekill is stone silent. Ma Runekill: "You're being a bit of a show-off, Edith." Edith Runekill is chagrinned. Edith Runekill: "Uh." Edith Runekill attempts to smile brightly, as if that was just good-natured ribbing. "Anyway! This is Mal. Mal, this is my Ma and Pa." Pa Runekill and Ma Runekill exchange A Look. Malkas: "Hello, uh, Mister and Missus Runekill." Malkas reaches out a hand to shake Pa's hand. Pa Runekill takes it and gives it a quick, perfunctory shake. "Nice to meet you, son." Edith Runekill withers at this clear sign of Plaguewrought Hostility. Edith Runekill: "Uh... should we... uh...?" Malkas: "Did you, uh, enjoy your trip?" Pa Runekill: "We had to spend a week on that train just to see our own little girl. Do you think we enjoyed it?" Ma Runekill: "It was fine." "We just wish you were a little closer to home, Edith, that's all." Malkas: ("Her dad is terrifying.") Edith Runekill: ("He's... well. Guess meeting some dads who weren't him put things in perspective...?") Edith Runekill: "Er... I guess I should hail us a cab?" Grim: (Grim digs her own flask out of her pack, ego bruised enough by the Jhuil at this point) Malkas: "Hey, uh, why don't I go do that?" Malkas gives a fleeting smile to the Runekills and flees. Ma Runekill: "He's... a little different than I pictured him, Edith," she says, just before Mal is out of earshot. Edith Runekill: "Er... how so...?" Ma Runekill: "Well, he's..." "Hm." Pa Runekill: "What your mother is trying to say is that when you told us his father was from Ormpetarr, we were picturing somebody a little more... human, y'know?" Edith Runekill winces. Edith Runekill: "Does... does that really matter...?" Ma Runekill: "Of course not," she says, in a tone of voice that means Yes, it matters a lot. "The important thing is that you're happy." Edith Runekill walks outside with her parents in sullen silence to see if Mal had any luck finding a cab for them. She looks pale and withdrawn. Malkas has successfully located a Taxi. Edith Runekill levitates the bags into the trunk and opens the door for her parents. She murmurs the address of the hotel her parents are staying at to the cabbie. Grim: (Grim stretches out against a rock a little way back from the fire, working on her flask and a cigarette while she listens to Edith) Edith Runekill: (Edith lights a cigarette of her own with prestidigitation. "People from out where I come from can say a lot with silence. Saying nothing can mean real different things depending on how you do it.") ("Sometimes if you know someone real well silence can be comfortable, calming, companionable. But in this case, what was being signaled was intense unhappiness and disapproval.") ("Speaking the same language Mal's dad does, I reckon, but saying something real different." ) Hiram: ("Reckon I know how that is.") Malkas: ("They were real weird about me helping them with their bags") Edith Runekill: ("I think they thought you'd run off with 'em. Even though that doesn't make even a little sense?") ("They... in retrospect they were kinda weird about me using magic to help with them, too. Like I wasn't doing it the honest way. Like I could carry all that stuff with my skinny noodle arms.") ("Well. Maybe if I'd had some jhuild first.") Hiram: ("Oh, I bet that would've gone down real well with these folks.") Edith Runekill: (Edith manages a slight laugh at that. "Anyway... things didn't really go downhill until dinner after they got settled in at their hotel. We went to this really nice kobold place that was well outside of my normal price range, but I figured it had to be my treat 'cause I was already being rude by not letting them stay at my place, because there was no room, because it's the size of a shoebox and I share it with another girl.") —at the restaurant— Ma Runekill peers at her surroundings— the temple stylings, the kobold waiters, the crowd of hungry Neverwinterers happily eating pasta and pizzas. She prods at her spaghetti uncertainly. Ma Runekill: "It's... nice." Pa Runekill: "Maybe a bit ethnic." Ma Runekill: "That's how it is out here, I reckon." Edith Runekill is dying Malkas holds her hand under the table. Edith Runekill picks up a breadstick and accidentally snaps it in two. "Haha.. whoops." Ma Runekill: "Don't play with your food, dear." Malkas is eating his breadstick with a fork and knife he doesn't know what to do. Ma Runekill turns to Mal. All smiles. "So. Tell me. When did you and Edith meet?" Malkas makes sure his face doesn't have any crumbs on it or anything in his teeth, "We, uh, met at her work. I came in with some reclaimed artifacts I had found and was donating them to the museum." Malkas: "And Edith was working at the artifact desk that day." Edith Runekill nods. "Yeah. And... and we, uh, worked together a lot after that. And got to know eachother." Malkas: "You have a wonderful daughter, Mr. and Mrs. Runekill." Ma Runekill and Pa exchange another Look. Pa Runekill: "What kinda work?" Edith Runekill: "Uh. Museum stuff. Some digs and the like. Maybe a bit of travel...?" Edith Runekill exchanges a Look with Mal, because she's from Plaguewrought Land too and grew up speaking the same language. Malkas: "Organizing dig sites, taking photos of the, uh... artifacts if we're moving them." "There's a whole team of archaeologists at the museum we work with and go to dig sites with." Hiram: (Hiram is listening quietly. He notices Grim dozing off, however, and gives her a prod in the ribs.) Grim: (Grim does not appreciate it but sits up with a frown) Ma Runekill: "That's nice." She gives Pa another look, but a slightly different one than before. Pa Runekill suddenly pins Mal with a death glare. Malkas sweats. Pa Runekill: "'Archeological digs'." "Huh." Edith Runekill looks extremely nervous. More so than before. Malkas: ("I still am not sure why that set him off.") "Uh... I'm sure Edith will be happy to, uh... show you some of the sites the team has worked on, if you guys were planning on going to the museum." Pa Runekill: "I know all about the kinda things that go on at archeological dig sites. The sorta things people go through to retrieve old artifacts best left beneath the earth. I ain't naive." "Malkas." "Are you leading our little girl into danger?" Malkas: "Uh... N-no, sir. We - we're not doing any kind of dungeoneering, really." "M-most of it's, uh, say a farmer or landowner ... finds some kind of old fragment of pottery or armor scraps on their land and... sometimes calls us to investigate further." "Any danger is ... fairly minor." Malkas: "And... You know, if there was, I promise I'd ... put myself between it and Edith every time." Malkas gives Edith kind of a fleeting smile. Pa Runekill is caught off-guard by how detailed that explanation was. He glances at Ma, who nods at him slightly. "Well. Suppose I'll take your word for it." Malkas: ("Basically I'm full'a shit.") ("Except that last bit.") ("We had fought, oh, seven mummies by this point.") Edith Runekill: ("Well, it's true you aren't leading me into danger. We get into trouble together.") Malkas: ("Yeah, if anything we're leading each other into danger.") Hiram: ("Still, takes some balls to lie to a gal's father, face to face.") (It's not clear whether Hiram sees this as a good thing or not.) Edith Runekill: ("They... don't really approve of 'adventuring'. They think it's too dangerous. They think just plain old living in Neverwinter and working in a museum is too dangerous. Too many people, too much crime, so easy to get hurt. Think I shoulda never left home." ) Grim: (Grim gets up to start clearing away the dinner things, leaving Hiram to enjoy the tale of archaeology and parent child relationships) Hiram: ("They know how far you disagree?") Edith Runekill: ("They're... hard to argue with. Gonna... gonna be some tough conversations when we pass through Plaguewrought Land on our way east." Hiram: ("Sounds to me like they ain't so easy not to argue with neither.") Edith Runekill: ("Rock and a hard place.") Hiram: ("Nothin' wrong with standin' on solid ground when it's the choice you got.") Ma Runekill: "Well. Anyway. I'm glad we had the wrong idea about that. Suppose someone still needs to pick up all the pieces when old things best forgotten surface." Pa Runekill slightly inclines his head; the faint whisper of a nod. Edith Runekill: "Uh... it's real important stuff! A few pieces of pottery or a coin hoard or an ancient midden can tell the story of all the world's people. Even Plaguewrought Land's in history's long shadow— the old Golden Plains, the Spellplague, the Luskan migrations and centuries of reclamation efforts— it's the stuff that made us." Ma Runekill: "Still just like you were as a little girl." She smiles. "More interested than what's in old books than what's in front of nose." She smiles again. It's jokes. Clearly. Malkas has literally never been more uncomfortable in his life. Ma Runekill: "You know. For a while we thought she was gonna grow up and be a priest; she always loved old things and old stories and magic." Pa Runekill: "Woulda kept her closer to home, anyway." He doesn't smile. Just tightens his lips strangely. Edith Runekill: ("I literally never wanted that and I still don't really know where they got that idea.") ("Maybe it was just wishful thinking...?") Grim: (Grim straightens up with the dinner things and heads down the hill to find water and wash up.) Edith Runekill: ("And... it went on like that. Just.... lots of little things. Small slights. Backhanded comments.") Hiram: (Hiram watches Grim go, then looks back at Edith. "That the last time you've saw 'em?") Edith Runekill: ("Thank Auril they believed Mal's story about our work or it would've been an absolute crisis. But it was still... upsetting.") ("Yeah. But like I mentioned we're headed back that way again. And... and this time, I don't think we're gonna manage to hide what we're really up to.") ("Can't imagine they'll like how much danger I'm putting myself in. Or that they'll believe I'm really the one putting myself in it. But...") Malkas: "I think your father might actually murder me." Edith Runekill: —it's the present again— Hiram considers this for a few moments, sucking on his pipe Edith Runekill: "Well... You know, if he did, I promise I'd ... put myself between it and you every time." She gives Mal a crooked grin. "I... I feel like I gotta go back though, precisely because of how much danger we're going into. It'd... I wouldn't want to lose what might be my last chance to see home. Since... it's still home. They're still my people. Y'know?" She stares at the fire. Hiram nods slowly at this Malkas snorts at Edith, "Hey come on, I was bein' sincere." Hiram: "My son took up bounty huntin' when he was just seventeen." "Never did want that for him, tried to stand in his way." "But he kept on, an' I realised after a time, I'd wind up walkin' one of two roads. One where he keeps on speakin' with me 'til the day he's cut down, or one where I'd lose him while he was still livin'." "Ain't easy for a parent, seein' a child walk into the way of danger, but...it's harder, seein' a life without 'em in it." "That's my learnin' on it, anyhow." Edith Runekill nods. "I... I can't pretend that it's not awful to see your kid go out into danger. I get that. I really do. But... but is it wrong for me to have wanted something outta life different from what they did?" Edith Runekill throws her cigarette butt into the fire. "I dunno." Hiram: "Hells no it ain't. We all have had our young days, an' we all got our own fights to stand in." "Ain't no sense to a parent, is all." Edith Runekill: "Guess... guess I just gotta try to do better when I'm a mom. If... if I live long enough for that, anyway." Hiram: "Seein' you put away the Jhuil, I got faith." Hiram smirks Hiram: "Somethin' to you, that's for sure." Edith Runekill smiles. "I can be tougher than I look." Hiram: "Most can, but damn few try." Hiram glances down the hill after Grim, then looks back at Edith Hiram: "Don't go tryin' too hard, is all." Edith Runekill: "Well. I try to know my limits, too."

Seems like a nice family, those Runekills.