#that wasn’t apart of the deal. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

howlsofbloodhounds · 1 day ago

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pains me that unless killer is capable of trusting someone and fighting through immense guilt fear self hatred and shame and dissociation and trauma responses to even begin to explain some of what happened in his timeline no one will ever know the reasons why he did what he did or why he is the way he is now because killer himself does not fully realize what happened to him or why he did was he did (prolonged intense coercion, manipulation, torture) he just thinks he’s just like them and maybe he always has been this evil, twisted thing who’s wanted to hurt the only person who ever gave a damn about him

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willowfey · 1 year ago

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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

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bpdamn · 9 months ago

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so y‘all are telling me that i went from not being able to leave my apartment without having a panic attack to working as a barista and content creator (for the café) - i‘d kms just thinking about putting myself out there a year ago what the fuckidyfuck happened

#i know working as a barista isn’t a big deal for most people #but it’s a huge deal for me as i wasn’t even able to go grocery shopping without dissociating or having a panic attack back then #there were days where i just accepted that i will not eat cause i literally didn’t have anything at home #and as i said i couldn’t get out of my apartment for the life of me #so ye it is a huge step for me lol #like i still very much can’t breathe omw to work cause PEOPLE #but apparently once i‘m there i‘m doing good cause i even got asked to be the manager 💀💀💀#and.. i got called extroverted #PEOPLE THINK IM EXTROVERTED??#personal

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thereareeyesinsidethetrees · 8 months ago

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last post for the night i swear

the real tragic part about the whole science fair incident is that perpetual motion is impossible to achieve

ford’s machine would have never worked, regardless of whether or not stan had interacted with it

(warning i accidentally wrote an approximately 30-tag dive into ford’s character in the tags don’t click see more if you don’t want to read that)

anyway!! good night everyone ❤️‍🩹

#it’s also tragic because ford didn’t know #the impossibility of perpetual motion was discovered far before that point and yet he didn’t know #i mean. ‘he’s actually just so arrogant that he thought he could break the laws of physics’ doesn’t make any sense #his reaction to the situation really didn’t match that interpretation as far as i can tell #i don’t think it’s just a ‘oh no! my dream school (that i was essentially shoved into pursuing)!’ type deal #here’s what i’m thinking:#fact one- stan and ford were seemingly already drifting apart by this point in time. this is important to note #fact two- it’s really emphasized to him that he’s smart. that’s all they say about him really- that’s he’s a genius #fact three- filbrick does not even care enough about stanford to say his name. he calls ford his ‘ticket out of this dump’#these last two points were likely heavily emphasized to him throughout his childhood #filbrick found out ford was smart and thought stan wasn’t. so ford became his plan to make money #ford is heavily bullied for his weirdness. his hands and his interests. being smart could ‘make up’ for this in his mind #he wants to leave. he outright states this- he doesn’t feel like he belongs and he wants to go somewhere he does (his own bermuda triangle)#so what essentially happened- i believe- is that ford internalized all these things #that his weirdness is bad and that he makes up for it by being smart and that he’s meant to make his family money-#-and that he wants out #his machine fails. this is a slap in the face to him. perpetual motion is impossible?#but why didn’t he know that? he’s supposed to be smart isn’t he? if he isn’t smart then what the hell is he?#what redeeming qualities does he have? how is he supposed to help his family now? he’s a failure isn’t he?#he spots a familiar bag. stan was here. suddenly he has an excuse- a reason to believe it wasn’t his fault #(and there’s really nothing to be at fault for but he doesn’t think that)#it’s easier to blame it on stan because of how distant they’ve grown. he can’t read stan as easily #and his reaction is suspicious- did he actually sabotage the project? is it…actually not ford’s fault at all?#they don’t speak to each other again for another decade #stan because he’s afraid of rejection #ford because he doesn’t want to face his own insecurities and emotions about everything #it’s easier to pretend that he wants to be famous and isn’t just doing it to make it his father money #and it’s easier to distract himself with things he loves than to feel all the guilt and hurt and frustration #and that. is perfect for bill to use to manipulate him #that’s my thoughts anyway. sorry for the rant was not expecting that to happen

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insanechayne · 1 month ago

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#today I am sad about something that I know objectively is dumb #my 30th birthday is next week and the party will be next Saturday and I’m having a dinner at a nice restaurant in town #I wasn’t supposed to make it to 30 and never thought I would but now somehow I have and so this birthday is like…#a really huge deal to me you know #and I always wanted to be able to have a big party to celebrate this specific occasion and in my head I pictured all my friends/family there #I figured this would be one of the biggest parties I’d ever get to throw because to me this is the biggest milestone I’ve gotten to so far #but out of all the people I’ve invited the most that will probably reasonably show is about 10 #and even that’s a bit iffy because tbh I’m pretty sure my bestie will flake on me like he always does #and if he doesn’t show up that might just end the friendship but that’s another matter entirely #also iffy because I haven’t gotten a lot of responses still even though I made the event and sent invites two weeks ago #I just… thought I had more friends than that if that makes sense #like I had bigger parties with more people attending in high school and I barely had any friends then #I’ve thrown low key Halloween parties in my mom’s apartment that had more people show up #now I’m at the most important moment of my life (so far) and I’ll barely have anyone with me #lately it just feels like less and less people care about me for real despite how many I know around work or how many are on my Facebook #it feels like my world keeps shrinking and I really don’t want that because it’s been small enough as it is #I just feel like I’m never really going to find my place or have big groups of friends like everyone else #I’m never going to have a group of friends or people I can rely on to spend time with me when needed #as it is planning things gets harder the older we get anyway just due to needing to tend to adult life #guess I still just want what everyone else has and I don’t know why I can’t have those things #and I know it’s stupid and selfish and whiny but I really want to cry because I’m so depressed that I have barely anyone in my life at all #barely anyone to celebrate something so important to me and so few who even seem to care at all either #I’m grateful for everyone I do have honestly #but that doesn’t offset this weird pain in my chest over this whole situation #maybe I should just curl up and cry until this all passes and I can go back to pretending it doesn’t matter #personal

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fingertipsmp3 · 2 months ago

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I’m always so fascinated by people’s bad roommate stories. I’m not sure I’ll ever live with someone I haven’t vetted extensively beforehand ever again

#every living situation where i’ve been assigned roommates randomly; i always seem to get one person who is an absolute angel #and 1-2 people who are honestly fucked up #i lived in halls 1 year of undergrad and everyone was kind of equally insane. honestly no one stood out as particularly bad #because everyone was just constantly screaming. i dealt with it by going home most weekends and getting noise cancelling headphones #3rd year of undergrad i lived in a suite which.. honestly was basically an apartment. had a living room/kitchenette; a toilet; a shower room #and 4 bedrooms #one of my roommates i’m still friends with to this day but honestly they were and are kind of a ridiculous person #like they were actively dealing drugs most of the year and their boyfriend was around most of the time and they would bone LOUDLY #and that’s the good roommate. so you can imagine the other two #one of the others.. honestly wasn’t a bad roommate; she was helpful and clean and civil #she was loud as hell though. she used to have attacks of insomnia and decide to rearrange her furniture at 3 in the morning #and we shared a wall. she also had an illegal pet rabbit.#our personalities just didn’t mesh well; like it became clear pretty fast that we were going to spend as little time together as possible #third roommate was loud; rude; annoying and gross. she’d be calling people at 7am just to yell down the phone to them about her problems #i was like who is picking up the phone to this bitch. she also picked up on my homosexual vibes in that way that homophobic straight girls #always seem to have; and was convinced i had a crush on her. and she bought a betta fish (allowed according to dorm rules) and then it died #because she didn’t want to take care of it properly. and she refused to do anything for herself #like she was always breaking shit and leaving it because she didn’t want to email or call maintenance. so then i’d have to do it #because it was always something we specifically shared. like a set of shelves she put a fucking 5lb shampoo bottle on. twice.#in grad school it was almost the same thing. one angel roommate who was kind of messy but otherwise fantastic #she rolled the best joints i have ever seen. and i still miss her cat cali #it was the men that were the problem. one was an international student who left after a month and bothered nobody #like to the point i didn’t notice when he moved out because he was so innocuous #the other two though….. so one of them started hooking up with my favourite roommate and immediately became SUPER annoying #the other one stole shit; left lights on all the time; left fridge and cupboard and freezer doors open; tried to guilt trip me #into giving him my weed; played mariah carey at 2am; never bought a single cleaning product or household item for the collective #unless you told him to…… he was even using my toothpaste at one point. like. sir.#oh and he was always dirtying other people’s dishes and cookware and leaving them in the sink for days. and leaving big chunks of food #in the sink. it was fucking gross #personal

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cheeses-degree · 2 months ago

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I LOVE COLLEGE. I want to go home though 😭

#I want to be with my friends!!! at home!!!!#I want my car I want to drive around my streets at night #I want my own room and my bathroom I feel comfy in (thank god for a suite bathroom I wouldn’t be able to deal with a hall bath)#I want to be like max 20 minutes away from my friends. this boils down to I miss my friends #we should all just go live in an apartment complex together #I was really onto something with making my friends and I in Tomodachi Life like that’s the ideal right there #maybe not economically feasible but it would be so good #I do love college a lot though and I’m really liking LI so far #I wish I were better at getting close with my new friends #but the ones I get along with the most don’t do much going out (either studying or sleeping)#and there’s one who I Don’t like very much they’re so annoying but they’re always around everyone else #I think I’m just gonna have to suck it up about that tbh #because I want to be hanging out with everyone else more #tbh my orientation group was the best I miss that just not as much as I miss my other friends from home #it’s also been weird because like. bunch of hurricanes flooding etc happening at home. and it feels weird to not be there and help out #I feel like I’m letting people down in not being there #another thing I miss is being so close to the water tbh #I didn’t think I would I am terrified of flooding #and I’m on an island like. this is Long Island. but I can’t see the water from where I am #and I can’t drive around to get to it #I’ve never lived somewhere where I wasn’t walking distance from a bay and it’s uncomfy #thankfully when I go visit my boyfriend! the train takes me over wate #r sorry time limit went off anyways when I took a train there it took me over some water in NJ I think it was nice to see #comforting and shit #anyways #cheese speaks #college moment #ugh being homesick is so weirddddd

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likedaylighht · 5 months ago

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:/

#like what’s the point in working myself to death everyday anymore #it’s a done deal I couldn’t save myself I couldn’t save my apartment #this has been my only focus for months #and it just wasn’t enough

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evansbby · 1 year ago

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…

#helpppp I’m seeing instagram dms 😭😭😭#and it’s a video so it’s deffo real #he sounds so cringe omfg BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH #also I’m not gonna send any links or anything yall gotta find it yourself like how I did #EDIT: but also I don’t get what the big deal is #we knew he was hooking up with girls through ig dms and this was 2021 so he wasn’t married #I’m confused why people are making such a big deal #his texting is a bit cringey but apart from that #unless I’m missing something

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pepprs · 1 year ago

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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol

#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all #purrs #chicago #i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about #when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m #for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi #and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t #recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting #for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that #my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it #just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of #stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and #utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a #biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL #i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i #have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again #delete later #kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol

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peapod20001 · 6 months ago

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Did sleeping help

No </3

#vent #tsk. isn’t it like. if you hate everything then eat #if you think everyone hates you then sleep #if you hate yourself take a shower?#sooooooooo. uhhhhhhh. didnt. work?#hng. artfight... I was so excited I have so many ideas #but it’s like. everything is triggering me or making me upset or freaked out or sick. idk what to do #I go ‘oh lemme see what my friends have done so far’ and then I see an oc from someone not my friend anymore and I’m like. ougghhh #I feel like such a baby for caring. stupid for being upset still. it’s like it only mattered to me and no one else had to deal with such #crippling anxiety and stress because of it #everyone is getting so much done so fast and I STILL can’t submit the second thing I did. I’m going to lose my head or cry or both or die or #SOMETHING uhhhhhhggggggg and it’s like all my anxieties are circling back around cus it was this time last year shit hit the fan #I have college!! I have no clue what my plans are!! all I’m good for is making fake people and drawing said people!!#I’m such a fucking. stupid.. I wasn’t even supposed to take this last semester off. we just didn’t know what other classes to take or what #to focus on... I’ve been literally free all day every day since December and it’s like I’m STILL not doing anything worthwhile #mmm I’m so alone in this I can’t DEAL well I guess I’ve been ‘dealing’ but I don’t believe thinking about bad situations literally every day #since they’ve happened can be considered as ‘dealing’ with it. I doubt anyone else is thinking about it that hard but I can’t help it #I can’t do a complete cut off from the internet. my only friends are here! what then? then I’m just. some sad sack who doesn’t talk to #anyone? mmm this isn’t a good way to start the day but I can’t NOT think. it’s all I do. my brain is one of the things that makes be I can’t #self labotomize myself into being a chiller person without killing everything that makes me with it #ugh. I’m going to be stuck in this headspace forever. even with apologies and make ups or agreements to stay apart #I’ll still be the one dealing with the negatives and fallout from shitty situations. funny seeing as I still don’t understand how things #even escalated so fast. but whatever. I’m the bad wolf forever. can’t change that

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isdalinarhot · 9 months ago

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your health teacher is lying to you when she’s like “have a meal before drinking heavily :)” that’s just propaganda to make you barf your guts out on shot 5 whilst feeling completely sober. do you think Sadeas ever held Dalinar’s mullet back while he got sick in the back of a shady alleyway

#luke.txt #drunkposting #purple dragon jungle juice #emeto #health teachers seem to be operating in some sort of alternate universe where people don’t primarily drink to get drunk #this wasn’t Got Too Drunk barfing this was Put Too Much Damn Shit In My Stomach barfing #AND it’s 78 degrees in my apartment so I’m dealing with PS3 Air Vodka bc I haven’t gotten it through my thick skull that ITS SPRING #ITS NO LONGER COOL IN THE APARTMENT. REFRIGERATE YOUR SHIT #ugh

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eeunwoo · 1 year ago

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.

#actually also #I was thinking abt this bc I can’t sleep and like.#u guys prolly remember my bestie m///ika and I’ve never talked abt it properly but like #we were best friends for abt 6y before she ghosted me bc of a new boyfriend (army guy which is already 🤢 but yeah)#and like before she ghosted officially she basically met another group of girls and a guy online and they all have regular meet-ups and #hang out. which is fine. but it’s such a slap in the face bc they’re like. all rich lol #like they say they’re not but if u can afford regular trips across the country. hotels and restaurants and parties. u are rich #and I already know she’s rich but yeah I thot our friendship kinda looked over class status lmao #but to see her make friends strictly w rich people and suddenly forget all her morals re other stuff has been. hard on me to deal w frankly #I unfollowed her on all socials bc it makes me sick to my stomach knowing that she ghosted me even tho I asked her a few times to just tell #me if she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. bc I saw it coming bc when she made other friends and got the new bf she started pulling #away. and I know ppl grow apart but we never really did. she just decided I wasn’t good enough. completely out of the blue decided to stop #answering my messages. idk #my trust issues skyrocketed since then #we were so close I was supposed to teach in the usa and we were gna move in together like it was that deep #and yeah idk. I think abt it every so often bc. it’s upsetting #like #I thought she cared abt me lmao but #I guess I’m basically only good to make ppl feel good abt themselves and then if anyone else comes along I immediately get ditched #it’s an awful existence to have #mrow.org

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teruthecreator · 2 years ago

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if i was making a character bracket i would simply not include a character from the children’s show about a specific nocturnal bird. idk abt y’all

#ignorance cloud on #not speaking it’s name bc i had to deal w enough anons abt it when i got my apartment #and that wasn’t even PROVOKED #i’m not doing that again

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fingertipsmp3 · 2 months ago

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Dyeing your hair solidly throughout your entire teenage years and most of your adult life is all well and good until you realise you’re not sure what your natural colour is

#so i was born with coal black hair and a disgusted expression on my face #my hair became this really boring mousy brown colour when i was a little kid #it’d get blonde streaks in the summer but that was the only fun thing about it #i BEGGED my mum for years to let me dye it and she finally figured it wasn’t a phase and let me dye it dark brown on my 13th birthday #for the next 10 or 11 years i was putting box dye on it like once every 3 months at least #my flatmate helped me bleach money pieces in 2020 but other than that i’ve only ever gone darker #basically what i’m saying is my natural colour has gradually been getting darker and darker for years and i…. have not noticed #i’m literally sitting here right now like waaait. so i last dyed my hair dark red in july of 2023 #cut it into a really fucked up bob in november 2023 and have been letting it grow out ever since #aaaaand now it’s pretty uniformly dark brown #AT WHAT POINT DID I BECOME A NATURAL BRUNETTE. i never noticed!!!#it’s a gorgeous colour too. like i love it. it’s a MASSIVE upgrade compared to what i was dealing with as a kid #this is literally the colour i was dyeing it most of the time #except i haven’t dyed my hair dark brown since… november 2020 apparently??? holy shit i’m STUPID #of course now i’ll probably go prematurely grey because i have my dad’s genetics #sidenote i kinda love being able to dissect all of my genetics. i mean it’s easy because i have my dad’s everything apart from nose #i have my mum’s nose. my eyes are most similar to my grandma’s as well. otherwise all my dna is just xeroxed from my dads #apart from that i have good eyesight. i have no idea where that’s from. maybe my grandma? she’s 80 and only needs glasses for reading #personal

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bibleofficial · 5 months ago

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so can’t go thru tsa for another 4.5hrs 😭😍

#stream #it’s fine i’m just going to stick w where i was sitting #i found a toilet it just wasn’t listed as apart of the airport map bc it’s considered separate as a car park #shitting ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#have 1 beer in my bag so i’ll drink that at like idk #soon probably #there was an airport employee next to me smoking weed & i was sooo envious #im just going to go to a coffee shop when i have the layover in amsterdam & then im just going to …. chill outside THAT airport & smoke wee #there ALSKALSKALSKALKSLAKSALDKAL #until it’s time to go back to bristol after this 9hr LAYOVER 😭😭😭😭😭😭#fuCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK #then get to try to get a train or a rail replacement bus AND deal w the soccer finals or whatever happening tomorrow #good LORD #im just #so exhausted i just want to go home #HOME HOME #like back to HOUSTON #but i know i cant i just miss my mother #& i know they still probably don’t have power still

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