#I struggle with meds due to my family’s history with addiction

[sparkbugs]

Very important!! Take care of yourself and do what’s best for you <3

taking medication for your mental health isn’t weak, if anything it’s strong that you’re making the leap to better yourself. remember that. you’re not struggling with your mental health, it’s struggling with you - you’ve got this gamers, always!

[tha-creature230307]

do not interact with the user @/sillylittlekittyx3.

i hate to be apart of drama and things like that but as they get more prominent in the community i just want to warn users about them.

Please do not bully this person as they have mental health issues, just block!

i would appreciate if this post was spread around, but you don't have to.

info under the cut, tw: abuse, lying, manipulation.

Since their name is public and it is not their legal name then i will call them by this name.

Currently they are living in my home for reasons I do not wish to disclose.

I have known them for about 4 months and my current boyfriend of one and a half years, Quinn, and i used to be in a polyam relationship. When we were in this relationship, Quinn made me do things with him that i didn't want to do. my mother made a house rule that we can not go into each other's rooms without mom present for our safety. Quinn did not follow this rule. Not only did he not follow this rule but he would also go into my room, and would not leave unless i gave him what he wanted.

Most of the time what he wanted was physical affection. I will not explain fully but I have a history of sexual trauma and he has a history of sexual agression, even so to the point where he was detained for it.

He has been to a psych ward recently due to hurting himself for attention. I have a past of being in and out of mental hospitals due to depression, so when i say he was faking it all, he was faking.

he was choking himself for attention, and i know this because i tried to commit suicide by hanging before. when i tried to commit suicide for many days after i was coughing up blood, i had marks on my neck, and it was sometimes hard to breath and swallow.

He did not have any of these problems as it was not a real attempt, he was not trying to kill himself, he was faking for attention.

He's done other things for attention as well.

A very common pattern i see in his behavior is that any time i struggle with my *real, diagnosed* issues he will mirror me.

When i got overstimulated in a restaurant, he suddenly pretended to be upset and started hurting himself. When i talked to my mom about toe walking and how walking on my heels makes me feel like they're on fire, he quoted me exactly and started toe walking. another example is when i was talking about my migraines he told me that opiods would help with it. when i said no, that pain meds don't help almost always and that i also don't want hard drugs. he fired back at me and claimed that he always had really bad headaches and that he'd want to take opiods for it. he also claimed that his mother has migraines and that he got it from her.

i know for a fact that these things are untrue as he's had many psychological and physical evaluations, and as he is in my mother's custody i know what he has. when i first met him he would always have seizures. after my mom called him out on it and threatened him he stopped and no longer has seizures or "moments of psychosis".

He not only does this with mental illness but also identity.

when i was talking about being a otherkin, he suddenly identified as a therian and more theriotypes kept popping up every day. when i talked about questioning my gender suddenly he was nonbinary. when i talked about my sexual trauma suddenly he had sexual trauma. when i was having an allergic reaction suddenly he had allergic reactions, which, if you have real allergic reactions its pretty easy to tell when someone is faking them. there was no swelling, rash, throwing up, etc. not only this but also the story about his identity changes every time. he's also lied about being intersex and ethnically jewish. his family did a dna test on him, he is not from jewish descent.

on top of all of that, he will not admit things that he actually struggles with. he has drug, alchohol, and sex addictions. when confronted his history is always different. he says that he doesn't have those problems, and he gets agressive both physically and verbally.

another thing to mention is that i posted a video to this account a while ago when my blog was called "wolf-pup" of me wearing a tail, this video has since been deleted. if you check quinn's account you will see this tail, i will use this as proof of me personally knowing quinn.

TLDR; they are manipulative. abusive physically, sexually, and mentally. he in general just isn't a safe person to be around.

[coachbeards]

Ohh interesting thoughts on Beard and mental health... One thing that came to my mind, based on your observation of Beard as being very supportive of other's mental health but not seeking it himself, is survivor of psychiatric abuse Beard... Like there is a lot in addiction care straight up, but especially in indigent and dual-diagnosis settings. Reading your posts and thinking about it, the headcanon that's forming to me is survivor of abuse Beard who starts smoking/drinking/weed young to cope, is introduced to other substances through team party culture in sports, starts to lose control of his use when he's left directionless after college, and has an episode of outright psychosis that lands him in inpatient in his early/mid 20s. He's never 100% sure if it was caused by drugs, stress, or family factors, and had v negative experiences with being treated as less than or dangerous because of it. He struggles with addiction and controlling or cult like recovery environments before finally ending up at rock bottom with Ted in his early/mid 30s. (I am split on whether I like the Jean Valjean-esque car stealing backstory or Beard being more in and out of Ted's life throughout this time in his life and the KC meth den backstory...) He has lingering quasi-psychotic symptoms under stress but again isn't sure whether it's PTSD flashbacks/dissociation or psychosis and is too traumatized and fearful of losing the life he's built to reach out to professionals (and honestly it's v v hard to find outpatient help for these kind of issues especially if he does not want to take medication...) Slight sorry for rambling in your inbox but your recent post gave me Thoughts and if you want to talk more about schizophrenia or psychosis and Beard I would love to!

no I definitely agree with you that beard has been the recipient of…quite a lot of psychiatric abuse.

i believe especially during his stint in prison, and prisons aren’t exactly the most helpful or understanding places when it comes to severely mentally ill people, that beard had a incredibly difficult time. unable to have properly gotten clean, suffering from stimulant psychosis, heavily traumatized….there’s probably a good chance he’d gotten sent to solitary confinement for his safety (and possibly through the lens of these security guards not being equipped to handle psychotic inmates saw it as being more for the safety of others instead of beard’s)

I think he’s definitely been admitted to facilities, either by his own choice or against his wishes…and this isn’t a generalization, but there are a lot of mental health facilities that don’t …… really help their patients and don’t treat them well (still an issue today, but for beard it’d be early 2000s which saw a lot less understanding of mental health than today) and I could see beard unfortunately being admitted into one of those not so good places. beard who was given sedatives and meds to knock him out or keep him calm during episodes and moments of intense paranoia,,,, who didn’t feel like himself because the meds replaced who he was , made him tired and feel fuzzy and he hates this place and ,,, yeah.

beard trying to ignore his mental health because he’s never felt,,, properly safe in a psychiatric environment. he’s not anti therapy, nor is he anti care or medicine, but it’s definitely a struggle for himself due to an extensive negative history

[summerspn]

Felicity

Tv series (1998-2002)

Spoilers...

I’ve gradually been watching Felicity for the past few months & have completed watching the series. I gotta say it’s charming & oddly addictive.

At the beginning of the series Felicity (Keri Russell) is an extremely shy & introverted character. She’s adorable. We see her proudly graduating high school but also feeling some trepidation about it. Naturally.

She sees her high school crush, Ben Covington, (Scott Speedman) at their high school graduation & decides to just go & talk to him. She regretted not getting to know him before. So she fixes that. Her yearbook had some sort of printing issue so they gave it to her on graduation day. So she asks Ben to sign her yearbook.

Surprisingly he sits down & writes a very thoughtful message to her. It’s sweet & inspiring. She decides to follow him to New York & she gets into NYU.

In tv land one can get into school in just a couple months - ya know completely ignoring the hundreds of people waitlisted lol That made me chuckle when watching. No big deal though.

Felicity gets to school & realizes Ben was just a nice guy & wasn’t in love with her of course. So she gets a bit of a reality check.

She makes a few friends & lives in the biggest dorm room on the history of planet Earth!

My room in my old dorm was ‘big’ and it had 3 feet of space between the beds...much bigger than my sister’s dorm lol

Felicity is likeable because she’s sweet, smart, shy & confused & just trying to figure her life out. All she knew is she didn’t want med school as her parents kept trying to shove it down her throat.

Ben is a nice guy who struggles with feeling stupid sometimes (though is actually really smart). He struggled with some of his classes & lacks a clear path for his major.

Occasionally Ben has these lines & that message in the yearbook which made me stop & go ‘you’re a writer’. I kept thinking he was going to become a writer...then in season four he decides to be a doctor. Okay...it was an alright decision & I like his academic plot lines in season 4 so no real complaints there.

We meet Noel Crane (Scott Foley)who is super dreamy. He’s smart, nice, outspoken but sensitive. A straight laced student & Resident Advisor (RA) who becomes Felicity’s friend & has a crush on her.

Throughout the series that’s the love triangle. It was interesting but there was far too much emphasis on it. Often it overshadowed the more interesting storylines on the show, IMO.

Noel pines for Felicity & loses sight of his life then soon graduates without a plan then later develops depression. I thought that was a great storyline. Noel’s family history of depression was compelling & how the character described it was very well done.

Back then tv shows didn’t talk about mental illness but this was handled delicately.

Noel gets help & gets better. He gets his life back on track, pursuing his dream of graphic design. There’s a line where he gets teased for liking computers...ya know as only ‘nerds’ like that stuff 😂

Felicity’s roommate Meghan Rotundi (Amanda Foreman) is a bit of a goth/Wicca practitioner. Every other character wear clothes I assume that are from The Gap so Meghan looks very different in her black mesh clothes & dark makeup. Nice contrast but I feel like Meghan’s development was overlooked for the most part of the series. She’s very blunt, unapologetic, sometimes mean...but she also cares for others even though she’ll deny it.

In her romantic life there’s growth but not academically. It’s only in the end of the last season does she realize she wants to pursue psychiatry. I think there were some missed opportunities there.

Though I will say I like that her uptight parents accept her for her quirks & clothing choices.

Sean Blumberg (Greg Grunberg) ...I have mixed feelings about his character. He’s an ambitious inventor & sort-of businessman. He owns a loft where Ben sublets /shares with him. Sean’s nice, caring & excitable. He’s also several years older. Around 5 or 6yrs difference I think.

His age difference was brought up several times, as if it were supposed to be important. In my last year of school I lived with a woman who was 15 years older than me. So what? Not a big deal. I’m not sure why the show kept pointing it out.

The only issue with his age is that at one point he’s 27 and STILL has no steady job. None! He’s all-in with his inventions that make no money & his family isn’t rich so how does that work now? He has a loft in New York with zero income? One episode talked of him owing money but come on, get rid of the loft, downsize then get a job, even if part time. *sigh*.

At the start of the series I liked Sean but then they turned him into a pathetic leech who gets mad & throws tantrums easily. He became incredibly annoying.

When I was near the end of the series I started to think that Sean would actually make a good salesman. Imagine him trying to sell cars, just the right amount of pushy. Though they put an episode in that made him look like a buffoon when making a sales pitch. So I feel like the writers were confused or trying to sabotage his character because he still ends up leeching off his buddy Noel & they end up business partners. 🤷‍♀️

Sean & Meghan date & eventually marry. I thought they were cute together at first but not as long term. I feel like Meghan would murder him due to being sick of his shit.

Elena Tyler (Tangi Miller) becomes a good friend to Felicity. All the ladies care for each other a great deal. Elena is very intelligent & a hard worker. She had a few romances & nearly got married. But I’ll be honest I found her boring. Not sure why. I think the most interesting part of her character was that she chose not to marry her fiancé Tracy. I thought it was a very smart move. And I found her background with her mom interesting but they didn’t do much with that.

Richard Coad starts out as an annoying member of the dorm. He & Noel become friends then later gets befriended by the group. Richard is a neurotic, blunt talking mess. He’s somehow still kinda adorable though does have some rough spots. I really liked him up through season 3. Season 4 he was in much less and then the writers turned him into a racist moron. Even if he had those thoughts I feel like his character would be more subtle & not as rude due to his overly developed sense of self preservation. Plus he’s not stupid, just blunt & a bit disconnected.

He did apologize but still it felt just so...wrong. Out of character even.

In any case I think the writers should have made him a little more like Rob Benedict, the actor who played him. Rob’s loveable.

Javier Quintata (Ian Gomez) is the owner at the coffee shop Dean & Deluca. He’s the boss but becomes very close with everyone, especially Felicity. I really liked him at first. Eventually his personal favours become outlandish & his stories started to make my eyes roll.

He & his devoted husband break up over non-issues. Why? It added nothing to the plot. Javier also wants to pursue acting at NYU. He’s really not good so it came off as a dumb idea & all scenes in acting class become annoying. I feel like the writers didn’t know what to do with him. I’d have preferred if he pursued a different dream- one that made sense. Like maybe all the years working with coffee & pastries inspires him to want to be a chef? 🤷‍♀️

Felicity. Throughout the series she’s shy, gradually getting more of a backbone. She admits to loving art & wants to pursue it. Her parents constantly pull her down , try to talk her out if it, even bully & manipulate her. She is for the most part uncompromising. I loved that! She held her ground & from a person like her, who always kept the peace at the expense of her own happiness, that’s amazing.

We see her grow though she spends far too much time angst-ing over Ben & Noel. Often she seems tortured with very few moments of being free & having fun.

I loved how in season 4 she befriends fellow artist Owen. I feel like that was huge. I loved how they went to galleries together & talked about their art & life. It was refreshing. I love that Felicity’s honours art class was so important to her & everything around that plot.

I hated however, how she always put others first.

So...I have to mention Felicity’s haircut from Season 2. I didn’t find it that bad...but apparently Keri Russell got death threats from it. Complete insanity!

Though I do think as it was 1999 back then, people were more uptight with personal style. If she had dyed her hair pink instead people would have flipped out too.

I do think there were better hair styles to choose from though. I think if she had a cut her hair to chin length & straightened it it could look pretty & still have a big impact. Something like that.

But honestly it’s just hair. I had a horrible haircut one year in university but it grew out on a few months & was fine. No big deal....but I wasn’t on tv so no one cared I guess 🤷‍♀️

In the ‘series finale’ , Felicity abruptly chooses medicine. Why??? That uncompromising love for painting just gone....And back to medicine? I wanted her to be an artist!

Every artist has a day job to support them. Felicity was acting like she was going to starve because she couldn’t sell her paintings.

I wish they found her a day job she really liked to support herself. I wanted her to be all-in.

Or they could find her a middle ground. That internship at the architectural firm, she could have realized she wanted to be an architect or something. Something other than medicine.

I really like though that she chose herself finally. Then Ben follows her to school. That was perfect. I just wished she didn’t want to be a doctor. I feel like that goes against everything she wanted.

Overall a great series. I love how they approach mental health - Felicity’s too. She was getting therapy regularly. It was nice to see. Very healthy.

I like JJ Abrams’ work but I (like everyone else) question the last several episodes. Nonsensical & out of place.

Personally I think the show should have put less emphasis on the romantic relationships & drama & more on self discovery by all characters. That’s more interesting...then sprinkle in a few moments here and there. A few episodes on love etc each season. We didn’t need the constant longing looks & drama of Will they won’t they.

I know I’m in a minority when it comes to such things but I feel the media - tv & movies especially focus WAY too much on the romance.

Then of course people like me who are borderline Asexual (except when it comes to fictional characters lol), I find it exhausting to always be bombarded with romance from all angles. However, if Felicity (and other shows) just used it occasionally & not every single episode I wouldn’t mind.

It’s just hard to care about a show if it just feels like it’s only about relationships and not much about life. But that’s just me.

The storylines that had me intensely interested in this show were:

- Ben’s relationship with his dad

- Ben gaining self confidence & realizing he’s actually smart

- Noel’s graphic designs & career

- Noel’s mental health

- Meghan’s rebellious nature & wanting to see what happens when she gets over the need to rebel (though we didn’t see much of it).

- Felicity’s parents’ attitude - I wanted them to see that they were wrong & admit it to her (though they don’t) 😞

- Wanting to see Richard find something he was really interested in & good at (which never happened)

- Wanting Felicity to have fun! Random silliness or parties...they rarely partied or did weird outings to things like paintball or bowling. College is for doing a million things. I wish tv land would do more if this

- Wanting Felicity to stop making decisions because of her love interests

- Wanting Felicity to go on a summer trip or internship to Europe on her own (never happened)

- Wanting Felicity to choose art (also didn’t happen) & support herself with either a job she simply likes (dog waking, tutoring, retail etc) or something in the art field (art therapy, illustrator etc)

To me these should have been the priorities & add romance occasionally...

But overall the series was good. The acting was really good from everyone. Even minor characters had pretty good actors. So well done!

The actors are great in other projects too. Keri Russell was in The Americans, even the Rise of Skywalker. Never saw them but I heard great things. Personally I really liked her in Austenland, August Rush, Mission Impossible 3 (small but great role), and I LOVED her in the movie Waitress.

Definitely give the actors a watch in other projects, even if you have mixed feelings about them in Felicity. They’re all good.

[guardianofscrewingup]

RE: the test results one, it’s like. 

You know something is wrong. You know it in your bones. Something won’t stop hurting or you have weird symptoms. You feel terrible. You know something is wrong. 

You don’t want to be sick, but the thing is you already are sick. You want to know the cause because usually you can try treating the root problem and sometimes can get at least some (or even total) relief. Like in my case, I JUST got a diagnosis that almost made me cry because it’s so damn resolvable. 

I’ve had sleep issues for the last two years. Constant sleep issues, constant insomnia, weird sleep cycles. I’ve had constant fatigue, my migraines have been less in control because I feel so tired all the time. I’ve been feeling achey, exhausted, and miserable like my body just isn’t working right. I can’t concentrate and focus at work and my brain feels like an exposed wire when i try. I actually got a write up for nodding off at work. I’ve had trouble losing weight because it feels like my body is just either exhausted or revved all the time, like I’m feeling constant stress. (And I need to lose it for less strain on my joints due to unrelated joint issues.)  

I already have extreme joint issues due to hypermobile joints that make my mobility worse and I have a lot of pain that I have to take meds for. Even with the meds, it’s not an ideal situation. I have a lot of accrued soft tissue damage, some of it permanent in a few places. I already have arthritis in a few joints and my spine even though I’m only 35. My joints are degrading fast.  

Having everything agitated and this fatigue makes the joint stuff worse. 

The issue is I also have bipolar, and anxiety, both of which can cause insomnia, and the problem with doctors is they ALWAYS default to just... “maybe it’s the joint issues you already have” or ”maybe it’s just very basic insomnia” or, more often, “maybe it’s your mental health issues.” Always. The medical establishment hates a puzzle that is more complex than a simple blood test. And if you have something like chronic pain, they want to pin everything on that. 

Mental health stigma is also terrible and if they can’t pin it on a pain issue or disability doctors want to pin everything on mental health instead of actually doing their jobs and testing for different things.  

But fortunately, for the last year or so my psychiatrist has been INSANELY diligent about trying different sleep meds (all the non-addictive stuff). Different drugs, different doses, different combinations. It got to the point where I could, with a lot of struggle, FALL asleep, but didn’t feel rested. 

So after testing some stuff to rule out other causes of fatigue (like I had some odd lupus-related tests that were alarming due to my family history of lupus but fortunately not all of them were positive), and after getting on a med for joint pain that didn’t fix everything, I was able to push my doctor past the whole “maybe it’s XYZ other thing, or a mental health” thing and past the dumb blood tests she’d already tested me on. Finally after explaining every single thing the psychiatrist tried, my doctor relented and sent me to an actual sleep doctor. 

I got a sleep study done and just got a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea. I apparently stop breathing thirty times an hour. 

I cannot explain the relief this is. 

I’m not relieved that I have a problem. I already had a problem. I’m relieved I have an answer! It’s an extremely fixable problem! All I need is a cpap machine and it should help significantly! I have friends and family with sleep apnea and the machine can be a bit of a hassle but most of them have said they sleep either a little or, more often, a lot better. (Getting more oxygen to your brain through the night makes you feel better, who knew?) 

This cascades down. He said that a lot of my fatigue and feeling terrible and having a worse pain process with my joints is because a lack of sleep means you’re always pumped with stress hormones and inflammation in the body is worse. Your body can’t find equilibrium, can’t heal, can’t fight normal inflammation that’s just a part of existing or having other health issues, can’t reset how your brain senses things. He said the stress hormones also contribute to having trouble losing weight (which is a catch 22 because body fat can contribute to the sleep apnea. I got it after I gained some due to a med I had to be put on for my migraines).

And I know this is true because my mom has lupus and a lot of her lupus related immune and pain problems improved a lot (even if not completely) when she got a cpap machine. The body needs sleep to sustain itself when you have other health issues. 

This might not fix everything and maybe I’ll find out I still have some issues left over after getting better sleep but this is likely all or at least a huge piece of he puzzle. 

This whole thing is even worse for people with worse chronic issues or disabilities than the ones I have because they get listened to even less. 

Things abled people don't understand:

Your test results coming back negative isn't necessarily a good thing. Sometimes it just means that you're back to step one in trying to figure out what's wrong with you.

Conversely, a diagnosis can be a huge relief.

Wheelchairs mean freedom.

Things that most people would consider non-activities, such as taking a shower, putting on clothes or commuting, can take a huge amount of energy if you have a chronic illness.

This includes things you do for fun, such as socialising, playing games, reading, and even watching TV.

Exercise is going to make my condition worse, not better.

[femmingway-blog]

Let’s Talk About Mental Illness

Why I am – and at the same time am not – talking about mental illness today.

Bell Let’s Talk has faded out of the rearview mirror, but I find myself thinking of it often recently because I feel I was not able to find a comfortable way to engage with it this year. Despite meaning well, there was no single conversation I witnessed - and I witnessed many - on January 25 that I felt reflected the intention or the spirit of efforts to promote wider discussions around mental illness.

I am taking this opportunity to talk about some mental illnesses I feel I rarely see written about on days like this, and I want to talk for a bit about why that is. I’m not going to go in-depth about my personal experiences, because unfortunately despite this day gaining in popularity, I still don’t feel that it is completely safe or responsible to hash out details of any kind of severe mental illness online. This is just the reality. Anxiety and depression are gaining big strides in being normalized and better understood, but as far as I have seen, the buck has for the most part stopped there and I am not comfortable risking my professional and personal life on a facebook status or blog post.

More about me: I am a (very) recent law school graduate completing my articles with a sole practitioner in a small New Brunswick city an hour away from my hometown. I grew up below the poverty line and learned all my survival skills from the single mother who raised my brother and I on a student loan while she pursued a higher education. I have an undergraduate degree in English, and have been living as an out bisexual woman for as long as I’ve been old enough to date. I also have chronic underlying health conditions including chronic migraines, endometriosis, hemochromatosis, and excessive sleepiness, which was recently identified as possible developing narcolepsy.

In short, I have a good deal of experience with hardship and mental illness. As someone active in my community and vocal about social issues, I have had to grapple with the temptation to share more intimate details of my life for the purpose of raising awareness or normalizing certain conversations. However I have had to accept the fact that I do not wish to make my personal experiences, traumas, and history a platform for public debate, argument, or discussion. It is important to me that I be honest with myself about what I am willing to put out into the world, and whether I wish my politics to be associated with my personal experiences without my consent. Until now, the answer to that question has been a resounding “no.” Because of this, in discussions around mental illness, mental health, and struggling with trauma, I will be selective about personal stories and anecdotes I share; the reality of the matter is that as a public advocate and a member of a number of communities, I want my personal life and experiences to continue to belong to me. I believe that people should have the right to decide which of their experiences are going to be politicized.

All that said, I will say that I have witnessed and experienced my fair share of mental health crises. Poverty, addiction, abuse, chronic illness, queerness, and femininity have all contributed to my life experience in one way or another, and it is a very unique person who travels through all this unscathed. I am very lucky in that I have had an incredibly supportive and loving family, and have consistently been surrounded by extraordinary friends and mentors. While I still struggle with genuine mental illnesses to this day, my coping skills continue to grow stronger, and I continue to become more capable of lending support to others in my life when it is needed. Unfortunately, social supports and structures are still sorely lacking, and I continue to find myself facing two major barriers: first, that most people still don’t seem to have a good grasp of what it means to live with a mental illness that is not general anxiety or depression - this means that as a society we still have difficulty compassionately understanding symptoms such as paranoia, magical thinking, delusional thoughts, compulsions, mania, and hallucinations. Second, in a crisis, I recognize that I am an individual who is ill-equipped to save someone; that is to say, that due to past experience and personal stress threshold, I have a very difficult time intervening when someone is discussing taking their own life or harming themselves severely. This is exacerbated by the fact that I have had (or had recounted to me) extremely negative experiences when accessing help from services meant to help in a crisis, such as hospitals, therapy, and the police. Both of these barriers come together to create an environment that is still incredibly unsafe for people experiencing mental health difficulties, especially when those very difficulties make it challenging to think and behave rationally, or to appear “likeable” and “non-threatening” to service providers.

What I’m Going to do About It

All this said, what I’m hoping will come of this post is an actual discussion - an open, frank, ongoing discussion sparked by what I hope are some helpful prompts, accompanied with my own opening answers. I would really love for the people who read this to actively engage and respond, and hopefully start an ongoing discussion regarding our experiences with the highs and lows of navigating mental illness and the support structures we have - and haven’t - had access to. I want to hear from you all, and I want to see you talking to each other, about the things that are missing. What are the gaps in care? What misunderstandings keep you from feeling safe to join the discussion? What has worked for you? What hidden gems might you know about that you can share with the rest of us?

I want to take this opportunity to actually open up a dialogue and discussion. Given that I’m posting this much later than I expected (though I did not go into this expecting to be writing a post of this length), I’m hoping that this dialogue will stretch into a few days, even weeks. I want the people in my life who read this to comment either on my facebook page, the status I (or others) share it to, send a message to my inbox here, tweet at me (@femmingway), send me a message – whatever you are comfortable with. I want to hear from you. I want to see you talking to each other about what is and isn’t working about the current exercise of “awareness” surrounding mental health. I have two basic prompts for you to get this started, under which I’ll list some questions to hopefully get the discussion going.

What is Wrong?

First: What is wrong?

What was missing for you?

What actual resources, supports, or services would have helped you or someone you know during a mental health crisis ?

What do you wish hadn’t been said/done to you?

What would have helped you to get better, or get functional, or at least cope more quickly?

What avoidable traumas are you comfortable sharing that you or your loved ones endured from inadequate or irresponsible mental health care?

What injuries to your mental health recovery have you found yourself unable to move past?

What keeps you afraid of sharing further stories, stories about different mental illnesses or particular incidents/hang-ups that you otherwise wish you could share with loved ones?

Whose responsibility are these issues?

What is Meaningful?

Second, I ask: What is meaningful?

What helped you the most when you were in your darkest or scariest times, mentally?

When you or your friend or family member were experiencing mania or thoughts of suicide, or were losing touch with reality, what best helped to anchor you and keep you here?

Was there a person or professional who did a particularly exemplary job at “getting” it?

Is there a resource you want others to know about that helped you during a dark time?

What campaigns and/or initiatives have made a difference to you personally?

Why were they effective?

What have you done to support others in a way that makes you both feel fulfilled and uplifted?

What can you share about the ease and joy that comes with finding another person who understands your struggle with mental illness?

How can we all learn from those experiences and bring goodness into our own personal and professional lives?

I’ll go first:

What is wrong: 

I wish that adequate public knowledge about anxiety disorders was more accessible; there have been times when I, and people I know, genuinely believed we were ill or dying because we are taught the symptoms of a heart attack in school, but not the symptoms of a panic attack – we are not taught that a panic attack can feel like a heart attack, or that one does not always know that is what is happening to them.

I wish that I had access to emergency care services in my local hospital that I was comfortable accessing and referring others to, rather than being fearful and burdened with the knowledge that I will either be sent home with meds that could be used to overdose, or locked in a room without the dignity of clothing until a doctor sees fit to send me on my way.  

I am disheartened that I have been raised to associate certain traits and symptoms with words like “obsessive-compulsive”, “psychosis/psychotic”, “depressed”, and “manic”, which are so far from the reality that it has actually hindered people from knowing how or when to access care. I am disgusted that mental illness is still an appropriate and legitimate legal excuse to remove someone’s children from them, or deny them certain kinds of government services and supposedly “inalienable” rights.

I wish that there were more knowledge available to people at a basic health level about the signs and symptoms of specific mental illnesses, so myself and my family would not have been forced to follow my growth through childhood and into my teens gravely concerned that there was something wrong with me. I’m dismayed to admit that I did not understand the words “panic disorder” or “panic attack” until I was living on my own in university, despite the fact that I now fully believe I had been experiencing them since early childhood.  There is accessible information available about the best things to do for a person when they are experiencing a panic attack brought on by OCD or attachment anxiety or a phobia, however that information can only be accessed if the seeker has the vocabulary of mental illness at their disposal in the first place.

I have many personal experiences with mental illness that have affected me profoundly as a person, and I wish I could feel comfortable sharing those stories with people who I know will respect them and listen, such as the people I choose to allow access to my facebook posts. My personal goals, my desire to be respected, and my professional life all prevent me from being entirely open about those experiences. I feel that these are the responsibility of everyone in a position of power, to examine the biases and knee-jerk reactions they have to people they might otherwise label as frightening, selfish, immature, or untrustworthy, and to instead ask themselves “what can I do with whatever personal power I possess, to make life more welcoming and safe for people who are struggling?”

What is meaningful:  

There have been times in my life where the people I depend on have made the difference between showing up or not; between hiding in a public washroom crying, or holding up my chin and faking it until I make it. I cannot stress enough the panacea that is the gaze of a person’s undivided attention when they genuinely ask you “how are you doing right now?” And “I’m here, what’s going on?”

Every year, I see more and more people in the circles I frequent sharing stories about the struggles they have faced with regards to mental illness and lack of structured support. Every year I see more people taking a step towards engaging in conversations deliberately trying to bring frank and open discussions of mental health into the realm of normalcy.

Since becoming a more informed patient, I have been able to take the information I was able to access through friends, through reading, and on the internet, to become a better advocate for myself and my own mental health. I have learned how to find ways to help myself rather than resorting as a first measure to relying on the free labour of close friends and family to sort through my own difficulties, flawed thought processes, and confusing emotions. I have learned to be picky about therapists, and to put myself and my own goals first when pursuing any kind of assistance for my mental health.

I have personally witnessed people in absolute hell who have been able to slowly recognize that what they are struggling with is very real and worthy of full attention. People who have been putting all of their energy into getting through the basic motions of living, slowly exerting that much more to open up and admit they need a hand. People who have been able to very slowly realize that admitting they are in a dark place does not mean they are somehow less worthy, less strong, or less capable or mature as people.

I find meaning and comfort in the knowledge that I have so many genuinely caring people in my life who consistently make a point to ask “how are you doing?” and really mean it. I find hope and encouragement in how many people I have known who are willing to fight for a world that is kinder, and softer. I am thankful that I know so many who know when to be hard and when to be soft; when to fight and when to listen.

Endnote

I intend to follow this post up soon with a set of ground-rules for this blog. For now, I am explicitly asking for positivity and support where they are due, and for those of us who have a tendency to notice gaps in information, to take responsibility for filling them – because if we don’t, who will?

I am working on making my social media pages shame-free spaces. That means that I am explicitly stating that this status is about ways to support the people in your communities and families who are living with mental illness, sharing your own experiences (or those of others with their consent), NOT about what anyone here personally isn’t doing or hasn’t done.  If someone is contributing to a harmful dialogue, or supporting harmful causes, that’s one thing. If they are opening up their hearts to share something private with you, don’t derail the conversation to make it about your own politics.

[alexdmorgan30]

Stopping Psych Meds as a Form of Self-Sabotage

"See...it's not that bad." My friend was responding to a text with an image of the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas. It was the first road trip my husband and I took after moving to Houston. My friend was right, the Alamo wasn't bad; but having to move back to the States after living in the UK for three years sucked. In all fairness, we were given a choice, and I was the one who pushed for Houston over New York. I wasn’t ready to return to the crowds and chaos of Manhattan, and due to the nature of my husband's work, Houston made logistical sense."We'll only be there for a year," my husband assured me on our last night in London. "It'll go by so fast." I wanted to believe him, but I wasn't ready to.Taking a "Break" from Psychiatric MedicationThere's much planning and reflecting involved in making a big move and my biggest concern was managing my anxiety and depression medication. Not only did I need to make sure I had enough to last me a few months once I got back to the States, but I also needed to sort out insurance and find a new doctor.But I kept avoiding these tasks.Once we were settled in Houston, every time I thought about the process of meeting a new doctor and running down the lengthy list of addicts and alcoholics in my family, describing my abusive childhood and my almost successful suicide attempt while remembering all of the medications I'd tried in vain, my brain flatlined. What I needed to do to ensure my mental health suddenly felt impossible. Instead of asking for help, which felt like a herculean task, I assuaged my anxiety by deciding to let my prescriptions run out. Besides, after five years on medication, my body could use a break, and despite clear evidence to the contrary, I felt stable enough to handle any anxiety or depression that could pop up in the future. However, at the time I neglected to give any credit to the role my medication played in supporting my relative calm and stability.As the months passed in Houston, I started to notice subtle dips in my mood, but each time I'd dismiss it as being part of my monthly PMS package or something that could easily be fixed with a long walk or a quick afternoon nap. But about six months in, I found it exhausting to even think about putting on my sneakers. My occasional mood swings turned into full on sobbing sessions and instead of experiencing PMS one or two weeks every month, it slowly became four and then five until I lost track of when my last cycle ended and the new one began.Depression, Anxiety, and Suicidal IdeationMy deepening depression wasn't the only issue. One sunny Saturday afternoon, my husband and I took a road trip to Austin. As I was driving us home, I became increasingly anxious. The roads were dark, I couldn't see beyond the headlights, and my mind began to spin. Mid-panic attack, my husband convinced me to pull over so he could take the wheel. I was so angry at myself for not being able to handle something as simple and routine as driving.The more I struggled, the more I believed there was just something wrong with me and as a result, my medication or lack thereof never came to mind. I'd spiraled so quickly down a black hole that it didn't even occur to me to ask for help, although it was becoming undeniably clear that I desperately needed it.It's impossible to explain to someone who's never had suicidal thoughts what it feels like to be in a space where the only option you think you have to end your suffering is death. There's no way to put into words the void that enters your mind when you no longer feel the pain, but it continues to seep into every second of your life. And there's no making sense of the relief you quietly experience when death, something you may have once feared, suddenly becomes your very own golden ticket. Sadly, during the year I lived in Houston, off medication, I reached this low.Finally, my husband sat me down and gently asked if I'd stopped taking my meds. At that moment I surrendered. In a freak moment of clarity, I knew what I had to do - I needed to find a doctor. We were getting ready to move back to New York in a few weeks, but before I left Houston, I got on the phone and scheduled an appointment.Why Did I Stop Taking My Meds?At our first meeting, I jumped through all of the usual hoops, getting my new doctor up to speed on my background and mental health history. I dove into the details about my alcoholic mother and father, the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse I sustained as a kid and was completely honest about the suicidal thoughts that had been roaring inside my head. And of course, I told her I’d stopped taking my medication."When did you decide to stop taking your meds?" the doctor asked.I answered hesitantly, "um...about a year ago." I was embarrassed by the choice I'd made, and I kept my fingers crossed that she wouldn't ask me why."Why?" she asked."Honestly I don't really know," I told her. "I had insurance...I had everything I needed to find a doctor here in the States. I just didn't do it.""So, when you needed your medication the most, you stopped taking it?" she gently asked."I don't understand.”"You sabotaged yourself, Dawn," she explained, leaning back in her chair. "As I understand it, living in Houston was rough for you, and you stopped using the one tool you had to help yourself get through it," she said. "It's self-sabotage."Self-CareI've been back on my meds for two years now, and while I still occasionally get snagged with depression or get overly anxious about a work deadline, for the most part my life has become manageable again. I added therapy back into my mental health regimen about a year ago, and that too has helped tremendously.Now, without hesitation, I give my meds the credit they deserve. As it turns out, they've done more than balance out the chemicals swirling around in my head; in their absence I eventually discovered one of the many tricks I use to get in my own way, especially when I appear to be making progress. Today, taking medication isn't something I have to do, it's something I choose to do because I know it’s right for me. Instead of self-sabotage, I choose self-care, health, and stability.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://bit.ly/2XJJYwj

[diary-of-a-depressed-girl-blog1]

The women who made me Pt. 1

I want to share with you a little about my aunt. Her birthday is coming up in a few days and this has caused me to think about her a lot over the past week. 

my ideas and memories of my aunt are much more romanticized than the memories of my own mother. Even though they were both addicts and in a lot of ways my aunt was the worse addict than my mother my thoughts of my aunt are filled with happy and fun. I’m almost positive that’s due to her not being my own mother and I’m sure that if you were to ask my cousin she would tell you a different history of my aunts addiction. 

One of the strongest memories I have of my aunt is the New Years of 2000 I was 9 years old and when the ball came down and the clock stuck midnight my aunt drug me out into the parking lot of the trailer park where she lived and blared Prince 1999 through the speakers of her stereo and we danced in the middle of the parking lot in the cold of January in the Midwest. Looking back on this event with adult eyes and a better knowledge of the mental health struggle my aunt faced this could have just been a manic episode ignited by her ongoing struggle with bi-polar disorder. 

My aunt was the one we went to when my mom was struggling with withdrawals from her own addiction. I remember sleeping in my aunts bed while my mom slept on the living room floor wracked with sweats puking in the toilet multiple times a night. My aunt would play board games with me and make me special dinners. 

My aunt always said that when she died she wanted to go out on a heroin high. She got her wish. Before my aunts death she was sober for a couple weeks and that’s always how it went with her, never sober for long. Only once was she sober for an extended length of time and that was many years before her death. When my aunt died she had a mi of 3 prescription pain meds, cocaine, methadone, weed and heroin. To this day we still aren’t sure if it was an accident or not. When talking to my cousin about the day her mother died she tells me of how she always expected the call about her mother. She explains that she hurt when it happened but wasn’t surprised. Could any of us really be with the life she lived? She’s lucky she made it to the age that she was. 

The day that my aunt died was a beautiful day in September only a few weeks into my senior year of high school. I usually would get home at 4pm taking the bus from my alternative school. This day was different. There were people standing outside of my apartment building. The neighbor ran into my aunts apartment and as I walked in there he was starting CPR with her laying unconscious. My mother was in hysterics and I was ushered upstairs by a family friend. I sat on the couch of our apartments upstairs that overlooked the court yard and watched as the paramedics arrived. I waited and watched as they brought her out on a stretcher with an intubation bag covering the lower half of her face. I remember the ambulance sitting in front of the house for far too long. I later learned that ambulances don’t leave until a patient is stable. My aunt was on life support and I never got to see her. The choice as made quickly to take her off of life support. I never saw my aunt again. 

The aftermath of her death was hard on the whole family. The funeral was well attended by people who loved her. There was a fight over her body between a husband who was almost an ex-husband and my grandmother, mother and cousin. My aunt was cremated and her ashes split up among the family. 5 bags of ashes each. I never realized how much ash was left from cremating a body. 

My mom never got over my aunt. 9 months later my mother was also dead. Again another story for another post.

[alexatwood86]

Benzo Withdrawal FAQ: 6 Questions and Answers

Long Term Benzo Use

What happens when you use benzo long-term? How can you support yourself during the process of detox from benzodiazepines? Research over the past few decades has shown that people who use benzos for a long period develop a dependence which leads to the natural body’s response – withdrawal symptoms – whenever a dose is missed or the medication is discontinued.

Here, we offer quick-n’-easy responses to the most commonly asked questions by people detoxing from a benzo. In fact, we’ve taken them from real life questions submitted by real people to our blogging network. If you too have any questions or concerns about detox and withdrawal from benzodiazepines, please post them in the comments section at the end or call 1-877-706-2159 for free and confidential info on benzodiazepine detox and treatment help.

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Need Help Controlling Benzos? Call 1-877-706-2159 We Know Addiction. 

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Benzodizepine Withdrawal Causes

Many benzodiazepine stories begin similarly: You are facing a problem with anxiety, panic attacks, or can’t sleep well, so you see your doctor and they prescribe you a medication that can help. And these medications work like a charm for treating these conditions…but many times they are prescribed for periods longer than indicated.

Let’s check the facts on benzos.

First, these medications are recommended only for short term treatment for 1-2 consecutive weeks.

Second, using Xanax, Valium, Ativan, or Klonopin (or other benzos) for months and years changes the way your brain and body work.

Thirds, While each individual and type of benzo drug are different, dependence usually develops after 2-4 weeks or more of regular dosing.

Upon cessation or dose reduction, uncomfortable and sometimes even serious symptoms can manifest, including:

anxiety

depression

difficulty concentrating

disturbed sleep

headaches

heart palpitations

hypertension

irregular heart rate

irritability

muscle pain and stiffness

nausea

panic attacks

short-term memory loss

sweating

tension

tremors

This is why is it very important to follow a specific regimen for tapering when you want to quit benzos. Quitting can be made easier if you are prepared for what to expect. Be sure that you are equipped with the right information about what benzo addiction is and how you can find the best addiction treatment program for you. Fore more on what the rehab process includes, check out our description of benzo treatment programs here.

Why Is Benzo Withdrawal Scary?

Benzodiazepines damage GABA receptors in the brain. Without enough working GABA receptors to calm down the excitement from glutamate (a neurotransmitter that excites things into action), our central nervous system (CNS) goes into overdrive. The limbic system – the region of the brain responsible for fight or flight – gets overly stimulated into action…and we experience:

fear

terror

debilitating panic

derealization

depersonalization

…and these are just a few of the debilitating symptoms that can occur from taking a benzodiazepine. Moreover, benzodiazepine withdrawal can be life-threatening due to grand mal seizures that may result in coma or death in heavily dependent individuals that stop taking benzos suddenly and abruptly (cold turkey).

Benzo Withdrawal Help

Ready to detox from benzodiazepines?

Medical detox from benzodiazepines is the safest way to cleanse your body of the drug. At a detox clinic, you receive around-the-clock care in order to ensure that you’re as comfortable as possible and do not relapse due to withdrawal effects.

Medical detox often involves tapering benzodiazepines. This treatment approach involves cutting back doses gradually and slowly to allow time for your body to stabilize and adapt to each smaller dose. Tapering can also be done by switching from a short-acting like Xanax to a long-acting benzodiazepine such as benzodiazepine (Valium) or clonazepam (Klonopin) and tapering those down, as suggested by your doctor. In general, it takes most people about 10 weeks or more to finally stop taking tapered doses and fully detox from benzodiazepines.

So, if you catch yourself thinking “I’m afraid to enter treatment because I don’t want to go through withdrawal”…there’s no reason to be afraid of treatment. Detox and withdrawal can be challenging but there are reputable facilities that provide on-site detox and are staffed with licensed medical teams that will closely monitor you for signs and symptoms of withdrawal. By progressing through the detox progress, withdrawal symptoms tremendously diminish.

6 Questions and Answers About Benzo Withdrawal

#1 QUESTION: Do benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms get worse even if time passes?

Answer: It gets worse before it gets better…

Withdrawal symptoms generally peak around week 2 after you stop taking your benzodiazepine medication. During weeks 3 and 4 of withdrawal, the intensity of symptoms lessens and the condition becomes more manageable. Symptoms, however, can persist for months and years after quitting (PAWS).

But, each individual’s withdrawal experience can be different, with its duration and intensity depending on several factors, including:

Abuse of other drugs or alcohol along with benzodiazepines.

Dosage amount.

Family history and/or previous drug or alcohol dependency.

Length of time taking benzodiazepines.

Mode of administration of benzodiazepines.

Type of benzodiazepine used/abused (short acting, long acting, intermediate acting).

Underlying medical or mental health issues.

Please note that not everyone taking a benzo will experience the same withdrawal symptoms or go through a horrific withdrawal period.

#2 QUESTION: How long does withdrawal take?

Answer: How long the symptoms of benzodiazepine withdrawal can last will vary by person. In general, the longer you take the medication, the harsher and longer the withdrawal symptoms will last. So, depending on variable factors, acute benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms can persist for anywhere from 2 weeks and up to several months.

#3 QUESTION: What should I do at this time?

Answer: When you decide to quit benzos or are at an early stage of withdrawal – seek medical help. Doctors can help you put together a tapering schedule, prescribe medications, and suggest over-the-counter medicines for short-term use that can help ease withdrawal symptoms. You can also call the local pharmacy to speak with a pharmacist that can suggest appropriate over-the-counter meds or herbal remedies. In fact, you can check out the Ashton Manual that has helped many struggling with benzodiazepine withdrawal.

Plus, there are many other ways you can help yourself:

Wear comfortable clothes and take a warm baths or showers to provide some relief of body aches and pains.

If you have sleep problems, try relaxing and unplugging for 2-3 hours before you go to bed each night. Play some soft music, drink a cup of chamomile tea, read a relaxing book, or use pleasantly scented oils or candles.

Experiences of anxiety and panic attacks should be reported to your doctor. But you can practice mindfulness, avoid situations that trigger your anxiety, and know what relaxes you in those occasions.

People recommend taking Potassium and Zinc supplements to treat symptoms of restlessness.

If your doctor recommends you enter a detox clinic and/or a benzodiazepine addiction treatment program afterwards, you can get a direct referral to licensed hospitals and rehab facilities, or call 1-877-706-2159 for assistance in locating appropriate help.

#4 QUESTION: What helps better: resting or activities?

Answer: It is recommended that you stay active and move your body despite the desire to do nothing. Stretching or doing yoga have been extremely helpful for some people. Or, if you have the opportunity, do low impact exercises such as aqua aerobics or swimming.

#5 QUESTION: Why I feel that I am falling into depression when I lay on my back?

Answer: Some individuals are prescribed antidepressants to help with depressive episodes during benzodiazepine withdrawal. Depression is a common symptom of benzodiazepine withdrawal. It might be best to seek the help and advise of a doctor should these feelings of depression continue. If you feel a worsening of depression, you can ask for medical help immediately.

#6 QUESTION: Do the amino acids help or make things worse?

Answer: Amino acids should help benzodiazepine withdrawal. Other remedies that can help the symptoms (especially muscle aches and cramps) include taking imodium and Vitamin B6, as well as massages.

Got more questions?

If you’d like to learn more about benzodiazepine withdrawal, what to expect, and how to treat it…please post in the comments section below. We value your feedback and try to provide personal and prompt response to all legitimate inquiries.

Copyright © 2011 This feed is for personal, non-commercial use only. The use of this feed on other websites breaches copyright. If this content is not in your news reader, it makes the page you are viewing an infringement of the copyright. (Digital Fingerprint: f7a6e0cc3471137b83805a08cd727b99) from Addiction Blog http://prescription-drug.addictionblog.org/benzo-withdrawal-faq-6-questions-and-answers/