#that they’re much more likely to die or experience considerable pain

[laniidae-passerine]

Danver’s specific brand of racism is so intrenched in love it’s fascinating. Her daughter is precious to her and her daughter is Indigenous and in this town, an Indigenous woman is not viewed as a precious thing. They are abused and raped and murdered and therefore, being white is the ‘better’ choice. She is actively whitewashing her daughter, not only because she’s afraid of what she doesn’t understand and because of typical coloniser mentality, but because she doesn’t want to lose her. Danvers can’t distance Indigenous identity from white violence and it’s killing what she loves.

[secretsickysideblog]

putting it lightly

'“m’not drunk,” abbacchio groans, rolling over.

bucciarati laughs, a bitter sound, and shakes his head in pure exasperation. “yes. alright. i am so glad you did not decide to pursue a career in acting.”'

after a day spent searching for his awol teammate, bucciarati comes home to find that abbacchio had been peacefully asleep on his sofa all along.

(sicktember day 6, alternate prompt: asleep on the couch)

read under the cut!

Bucciarati is, put lightly, seething.

There’s this rage he hasn’t felt in a long time bubbling in the pit of his stomach, and although it’s the type that stems purely from concern, his blood is undeniably boiling. Because upon stepping into the front door of his apartment, Bucciarati is greeted with the sight of a familiar someone asleep on his couch--the same someone who has been AWOL all day, refusing to pick up the phone.

Bucciarati considers himself to be a rather patient man on the best of days and relatively tolerant even on those days that are not so great. And he is--he tries to be--as understanding as possible. So normally, if this were any other day, if he had gotten so much as a text confirming that Abbacchio was alive, Bucciarati would be fine with this. Mildly annoyed, but mostly in the sense of preferring to know when things were wrong with the people he holds dear before the problem rears its ugly head and less from the standpoint of work.

But Leone Abbacchio has been dead on air all day long. Bucciarati had gone through the other man’s apartment twice, and, accompanied by Fugo himself, they’d checked the youngest’s apartment all the same as if Abbacchio would have any reason at all to be there. Internally, Bucciarati slaps himself in the face for not considering that Abbacchio would have wandered here--but really, what reason would Abbacchio have to be here while vehemently ignoring any attempts to get into contact with him?

Bucciarati sucks a long inhale in through his teeth. It won’t do him any good to yell right now; for all he knows, the man passed out before him might be too far gone to comprehend a word he says, and Bucciarati would rather not strain his vocal chords for a reason so pointless as yelling to what may as well be a wall.

“Leone,” he calls, and the man doesn’t stir. He tries again with a little more fervor. No response.

A cold feeling manifests in Bucciarati’s veins as the consideration that, maybe, Abbacchio had trudged his way here to die pops up in his head. Maybe Abbacchio came all the way here because he knew it was the end, or because he had opted for the end, and maybe Bucciarati should be calling an ambulance right about now and he looks awfully similar to--

Bucciarati squeezes his eyes shut and shakes that train of thought away. The only way to know whether or not any of that was true would be to approach him, and if it were, Bucciarati would just have to deal with it. He’s come to be an expert at just dealing with things over the course of his eighteen years and change. With a tumultuous mix of rage and fear turning his stomach, Bucciarati approaches the couch, and he watches for a moment until he spots Abbacchio’s chest rise and fall once.

Good. He’s alive.

And with absolutely no sympathy, Bucciarati gives Abbacchio a firm shake by the shoulder to jostle him out of what Bucciarati assumes to be an alcohol-induced stupor--the flush across his defined cheekbones says all he needs to know. Except when Abbacchio blinks his eyes open with a groan, they’re glazed over and hazy in an unfamiliar way; when that golden gaze locks onto Bucciarati, it appears to lock onto something behind him. Within him, even. Through him.

“What in the hell are you doing here, Abbacchio?”

Abbacchio’s expression turns confused and quickly contorts into something that looks rather pained. Bucciarati keeps himself firm, even though something in him wants to ask ‘what hurts?’ Perhaps it’s a selfish act, to be angry, but Abbacchio has been sober for nearly a month now and Bucciarati sees no good reason to be ruining that. Abbacchio is guilty until proven innocent.

When he speaks, much to Bucciarati’s surprise, his breath smells like mint-- shockingly, mint and a hint of sleep and not at all alcohol. Not even coffee, which has served as Abbacchio’s replacement vice, in a sense. (It gives him something to refine taste in. Something to be picky about, a type of fill-in high.)

“Your door...it was unlocked,” is what Abbacchio says, and it’s slurred, but not in the way that he slurs when he’s wasted. It’s slurred in a manner that’s groggier than anything else.

“It’s always unlocked,” Bucciarati snaps. That was not the answer he was looking for, because that’s common sense. His door is always unlocked for the two subordinates he’s recruited that might need something at an ungodly hour, Abbacchio being a frequent visitor just after midnight.

Abbacchio hums, and his eyes close again as if he’s struggling to keep them open.

“Abbacchio,” Bucciarati gives him a quick pat on the cheek to get his attention back. “Don’t pass out on me again. I want an explanation.”

Dual-colored eyes reappear. Abbacchio says nothing more.

“Leone Abbacchio, why the hell did you decide to fuck up now? It’s been nearly a month and you haven’t come close to a relapse since three weeks ago! Not to mention, you have avoided me all day, only to end up here? What if you had been dying? I thought you had crawled your sorry ass over here to die on my couch,” Bucciarati growls, tone undoubtedly dripping with poison, and yet some aftertaste of it is sweet. Vaguely sweet. Because he isn’t really angry. He’s worried, as is often the case.

“M’not drunk,” Abbacchio groans, rolling over.

Bucciarati laughs, a bitter sound, and shakes his head in pure exasperation. “Yes. Alright. I am so glad you did not decide to pursue a career in acting.”

“I mean it,” Abbacchio’s voice comes out muffled by the navy throw pillow he has his face buried in, and yet there’s a distinctive whining quality to it. He doesn’t sound drunk--he sounds off. It’s disconcerting, because Bucciarati’s only assumption is that he’s more inebriated than he’s ever had the displeasure of seeing him before, and yet that wouldn’t make sense because the first night they met Abbacchio had a foot and a half well in the grave and a heel slipping downward.

Flushed cheeks, glazed-over eyes, and this slurring, whining tone. A clear dislike for the light in his eyes, as shown by the way he’s burying his face in a pillow, and he’d managed to get out of bed and brush his teeth but he’d opted against coffee. Bucciarati looks over his clues, looks over the sight before him, and tries to connect the pictures with a piece of logical twine. All at once, it comes together, and that burning rage within him is ignited by a cold wash of guilt.

He must be sick.

Bucciarati presses the back of his hand to Abbacchio’s cheek, and then to his forehead, and the heat radiating off of his pale face (paler than usual, somehow, and devoid of makeup) confirms it. For the second time in the past ten minutes, Bucciarati mentally slaps himself, and then again for good measure. As ample punishment, he decides to give himself an internal kick to the shin, too.

He exhales a breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding, the high-strung tension in his body melting into a puddle at his feet. Sick, he can handle. He can handle sickness just fine, actually. He crouches down beside the sofa and nudges Abbacchio’s shoulder with more care this time, gently prodding for his attention for just a moment longer. Bucciarati knows from experience that sleeping on this couch is comfortable, but not nearly as pleasant as a bed, especially not on lead-limbs and fever pains.

“Come on,” all of the venom has drained away from his voice, and so has a good half of the volume, “let’s get you to bed, alright? This couch is cheap. It won’t do any good for your back.”

Abbacchio takes a long while to respond to the suggestion, but eventually, he sits himself upright and manages to force himself up onto his feet. He sways a bit, and Bucciarati prepares himself to catch him if he goes down even if he has more muscle in his left bicep than Bucciarati has in his entire body. Maybe it’s the sentiment--if he goes down, at least he wouldn’t go down alone.

It takes a couple of pauses for Abbacchio to lean against the wall and take a breather (and there’s a moment where even more color drains from his face, and Bucciarati just about unzips a hole in the floor to avoid having to clean vomit off of the hardwood). Ultimately, though, they make it to the bedroom. Bucciarati makes sure Abbacchio is settled. He slips off the other’s shoes, which must have been unpleasant to fall asleep in, and sets them by the bedroom door.

“Do you need anything?” Bucciarati asks, and Abbacchio shakes his head. “Another blanket? I’m getting you water, and that isn’t up for debate.”

His answer comes in the form of complete stillness. Quiet. And Abbacchio, for someone that must have a rather high fever, seems to be at peace. Bucciarati sighs, looks over his form. Now that he’s certain the other is sleeping and not dead, he wonders if he should address the fear he felt at the notion of losing Abbacchio with himself, because it was a different kind of fear. As though losing him would leave not only a gap in his life, in his heart, but in his being entirely.

He slips off to fill a glass of water, sets it on the bedside table. And he settles into bed on the other side of Abbacchio’s sleeping form, carding fingers through his silky hair as though it’s the most natural gesture in the world. He’s gotten far too used to Abbacchio’s presence in the handful of months they’ve known each other. And maybe it could be chalked up to the closeness they’ve been forced into, or up to the reliance Abbacchio has on him and the feeling of being relied on. Maybe it’s the way Abbacchio looks at him when he’s wasted. Maybe it’s the grateful way he looks at him when he starts sobering up later in the night.

Or perhaps, Bucciarati muses, he might be, lightly put, falling in love.

[profounddefendorcrusade-blog]

Wander over Yonder Messages

To anyone who dares to think this show is stupid

1) Actions speak louder than words

2) Accept defeat with dignity

3) Not everyone you meet has good intensions

4) Love always wins

5) Think before you speak

6) Make sacrifices for those you love

7) Do good and you will receive good

8) If you love something, set it free

9)  Life may not be perfect, but that doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful

10)  All’s well that ends well

11)  You’ll always get caught in your lies

12) Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not in order to fit in

13) Know how to accept it when you’re wrong

14) Ignore people who insult you and want to bring you down

15) Having a beautiful heart is what really matters

16) Have a strength of character

17) Stand up for yourself and those you care about

18)  It doesn’t matter whether someone else believes in you or not, you need to believe in yourself first

19) Life doesn’t give you what you want, it gives you what you need

20) Don’t make quick judgments

21) Don’t underestimate someone’s abilities

22) Face your problems head on and don’t run away from them

23)  A true hero is humble, kind and selfless

24) Life isn’t a fairytale and things don’t always work out the way we want them to

25) The biggest gift anyone can give you is a smile

26) Always be grateful for the little things someone does to make you happy

27) Always make sure to set a good example for others

28) The most powerful thing you can do is win a battle against yourself

29) Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not in order to impress someone

30) Don’t trust everything you hear and everyone you meet

31) Enjoy the ride and don’t compare yourself to others

32) Deal with problems with intelligence and wit and not violence

33) It’s not good to spend too much time in your head and forget about reality

34) Always take into consideration the needs of others

35) You can’t force someone to love you

36) Expect the best, but be prepared for the worst

37)  A true friend is always there for you when you need them, believes in you and won’t give up on you

38) Follow your heart’s desires

39) Make sacrifices for the betterment of others

40) Even the smallest things can mean the world to someone

41)  Imagination is a beautiful and powerful thing

42) Don’t be selfish and always focus on what you want

43) Appearances are deceiving

44) It’s better to have a beautiful mind and soul than to be physically appealing

45) Good and evil are both equally important

46) Instead of fighting with someone, try to put your differences aside to solve the issue

47) Nothing is impossible

48) Some people are manipulative and fake

49)  Behind every hard exterior there is a heart that wants to experience love

50)  Always be kind to someone, even if they’re not kind towards you

51) We are one

52) Everyone deserves to be happy and to feel loved and appreciated no matter who they are

53) People are not always what they seem or who you thought they were at first

54) Sometimes you are the reason for your own problems

55) Have balance in everything you do, even good

56) Hang out with people who make you a better person

57) You never know how much you really need someone/something until they’re gone

58) Always make sure the people in your life know how much you appreciate them

59) Friendship is the biggest adventure of all

60) An enemy is just a friend you haven’t made yet

61) It always pays off to be kind

62) Always keep your promises

63) Sometimes the kindest hearts have felt the most pain

64) Keep your eyes on the prize

65) Karma will always come back to you

66) The secret ingredient is love

67) Don’t try to change someone and accept them as they are

68) Let people find their own happiness and don’t force them to be happy

69) Accept every single part of someone, even their flaws

70) Respect your elders

71) Some things/people are built to last

72) Your weakness can also be your strengths

73) True friendship (love) is better than being cool and popular

74) Superficial things are temporary and unimportant at the end of the day

75) In order to achieve your goals and dreams, you need to be ambitious, hard-working and determined. With those qualities and a good plan, you can do anything

76) It’s easy to manipulate huge masses of people

77) Enjoy every little moment spent with those you love

78) Loyalty is priceless

79) Live life to the fullest while you still can

80) Don’t be afraid to be different

81) Always try to understand where people are coming from

82) Patience is an important quality

83) Real life is so much more beautiful than virtual reality

84) Take risks

85) There’s good in everyone

86) Love is a battlefield (and sometimes you lose)

87) We’re all just little black cubes of darkness

88) Don’t come to conclusions without thinking things through

89) Making someone else feel special is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world

90) Sharing is caring

91) Don’t hide who you are and be unapologetically yourself

92) Don’t be what other people want to see

93) Don’t let greed get to you, because you’ll end up losing what you already have

94) Always be humble and kind

95) Keep in mind that you’re not the only one who’s suffering, and that there are many people out there who’re hurting too

96) Love is worth fighting for

97) People tend to present themselves in a better light than they really are

98) Be carefree and go with the flow

99)  It’s important to have balance between your head and heart

100) People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel

101) Never give up when things get hard

102) Your family loves you unconditionally no matter what

103) Don’t be bothered by other people’s business and do your own thing

104) Deal with unrequited love with hope and optimism

105) Let people believe in whatever they want to believe in

106) Don’t break people’s illusions because they give them hope

107) First come small wins, then big ones

108) The darkest times are when you should laugh the loudest

109) Spending time with the ones you love is never a waste of time

110) Don’t focus on the past or future, but the present

111) Don’t waste time on jealousy

112) Even when it looks like other people have it all figured out, that’s not always the case

113) Keep toxic people out of your life

114) Just because we fail doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try

115) Our world is created by our state of mind

116) We won’t be able to see beauty around us if we don’t carry it within ourselves

117) You can’t allow pride to stand in the way of doing what’s right

118) We’re all eternal students of life

119) Nobody’s perfect

120) Not knowing yourself and what you’re capable of is dangerous

121) It’s a pleasure to do what people say you cannot do

122)  It’s better to believe in a lot of things than not to believe in anything

123) All good things come to an end, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make memories

124) Everybody needs somebody

125) People are more than they show on the outside

126)  Nothing can separate those who really care about each other

127) You can’t buy love

128) People and their actions can be unpredictable

129) We don’t live for love, but we die for it

130) Those who are less scared of death have more meaningful and fulfilling lives

131) Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened

132) We should sympathize with other people’s struggles

133) If something can’t be in your life, keep it in your heart

134) We can change the world only when we experience change within ourselves

135) Friendship means cooperation and mutual respect

136) We become more like the people we spend time with

137) Bad things/people can change

138) There’s more power in doing the things that scare you than in the most powerful weapons

139) Help yourself and let others help you

140) No one knows everything

141) Little things in life are those that really matter

142) The more you know, the more you grow

143) Teamwork is important

144) Always stand up for what you believe in, even if it means you’ll stand alone

145) Never give up hope

146) Be aware of your emotions and express them without shame

147) Life is all about transformations; when some things end, others come to life

148) True inner strength is being able to deal with your own passions

149) You can do anything with the help of those who care about you

150) There’s always a reason why someone acts the way they do

151) Have the strength to give those who have wronged you second chances

152) All you need is love

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

why does jean warn up to mc so quickly? ikevamp makes it clear that jean is a pretty reserved person and doesn't open up or let people in easily but he seems to let mc in quite quickly and it confuses me quite a bit.

Oh boy, where to begin with this one.

Well, I have a lot of Feelings^TM about this, but I'll try to be concise. Essentially, I think Jeanne doesn't recover in the other routes--or the general storyline--largely because he's just a lot to unpack narratively speaking. And without some pretty direct intervention, he has a hard time healing. MC’s direct intervention was meaningful because it was focused, consistent, and adapted to Jeanne’s specific needs. She also doesn’t make light of his experiences which is key; she fully understands that she can’t fathom what he’s been through. There is a very weighty respect and acknowledgement, a seriousness with which she treats his wounds that’s important.

It’s easy to make this a “why is MC nOt LiKe ThE oThEr GiRlS” but honestly that’s just not the sense I get when I look at all the information available to us. 

That being said, I also just feel like every person's recovery from traumatic events doesn't really look the same? I mean Leonardo’s cptsd isn’t going to operate the same way Jeanne’s wartime/Inquisition cptsd is going to operate. Some people require very individualized healing, others will often require a large scale group effort to lift them up.

Typically people don't ever just get over what happened to them and never worry about it again, either. It's usually a process of coping; the hope is that with time you find healthy ways to deal with grief and move forward. Therapists aren't magicians, they just help people process painful experiences/thoughts. It's honestly up to individuals to find meaningful ways to implement these tactics. 

Tl; dr: My contention is that Jeanne doesn’t open up or choose to stay alive because MC magically heals him, rather his recovery is a convergence of many people’s efforts and hopes that he stays alive. Gilles (he insists that Jeanne must live, asks him to promise), MC (affirms and bolsters that promise), Comte (makes a second life and recovery possible)--and in no small measure Mozart and Napoleon--all make an active effort to buoy him. As people often say, it takes a village to raise a child.

While Jeanne seems to respond most powerfully to MC’s attempts, it feels more like a product of chemistry/compatibility than it does a random cop out. There is no insinuation that only romantic love can heal; after all, MC gets close to him without any romantic intentions at first. They’re just good friends? It’s more that their feelings simply moved in a different direction after a point, which doesn’t necessarily happen all the time. Jeanne is also incredibly moved by Mozart’s love for him as a friend, Comte’s love for him as a father, and even Gilles’ love as a comrade to an extent. If anything, without their input Jeanne’s capacity for romantic love would be questionable at best.

Now, because I can never for the life of me stop analyzing, I have a more large scale outline of my thoughts below. Spoilers for Jeanne’s route:

If we look at Jeanne's life history, he has pretty specific trauma. Most of the harm he endured was a direct result of human rights violations after the war itself. He didn't enjoy fighting and killing people, but he's also very much a man that sees the reality of his position: it's either kill or be killed. His entire goal was to defeat the enemy as efficiently as possible in the hopes of ending conflict, and with his enormous resolve turns the tide. He had no innate interest in inflicting harm, or lack of control when engaging. He isn't pathological about it, and doesn’t dehumanize the other side. He was more "this was an act of necessity, but those are still human beings." So as far as I can tell he has a very strong moral compass and sense of duty, he doesn't show much delusion/confusion in that regard. (Also evident in his conversations with the young orphan boy.) Furthermore, he has been shown to have a sense of humor--cracking jokes with Gilles and boosting morale for his fellow soldiers.

His childhood abandonment is significant (he left his home because he was "not an adequate farmhand and they had no ability to feed all their children") but I don't know if I would consider it a huge trauma point for him. It seems as though he deemed it an act of necessity--not spite. It was simply the way of things, and he couldn't help his wiry constitution. You'd be surprised how common that was once upon a time, tbh... While it's certainly not right or fair, it does appear that in his perception it was the choice he made and he moved on after he became a soldier. Just focusing on what he could do, rather than everything he lacked. For people in his position, they often feel it is useless to linger on what should have been. There’s no time to linger or doubt, life hangs in the balance.

That leaves us with his time under the Inquisition, just before he was slated to be burned alive. I think this is the keystone trauma point for him, because there are a lot of moving parts to his powerlessness here. The first part is that his entire life's mission--ending the war so that people would no longer have to die and/or starve as a result of senseless violence--was just sabotaged. All those years of doing things he never wanted to do (wartime violence) and being forced to leave his family to ensure they didn't all starve, all of it treated like some kind of joke. Like he didn't sacrifice years of his life and sanity to protect a people who were happy to call him a monster and watch him burn alive. The second part is the overt gaslighting and rewriting of Jeanne's personal history (and overall French public perception) for the sake of the King's political agenda. To call him a treasonous danger to the country when he was once lauded a hero. The third portion is the actual physical helplessness of being arrested, starved, and continuously maimed for no reason beyond pure malice. While it's never right to do that to any human being, this was done to a man who prided himself on his stalwart moral code. To abuse and torture him for something egregious that he would never do (at the risk of death) is just another slap in the face to everything he is and believes in.

I just feel like the context clarifies why that period of time would be the tipping point. His entire moral code and life’s work is being called into question and swept aside, as well as his agency? He believes very powerfully in a sense of right vs wrong, what's fair and what isn't fair. Somebody else deciding that for him--and deciding in a way that is openly unfair/incorrect--further makes him lose himself and his sense of reality. A person in that situation begins to doubt if they are good or bad. His belief in god all the more pressing; if he was a good person, why would fate bring him so much suffering? Honorable soldier or not, his blade has drawn so much blood...

People often reference his stilted social skills (and I am of the belief that he is on the autistic spectrum) as a reason why he is so "people-adverse" but tbh? I don't agree. His memories before the onset of this trauma reveal that he was actually a very warm person, and that people were more than willing to fight under his banner. He had friends, and he had comrades--his country loved him. He was the picture of well-meaning civic duty. Just because he doesn’t integrate smoothly into larger social groups or adapt well to socially shifting circumstances, doesn’t mean he just hates people lmao. When people give him the space to exist within his comfort zone and don’t take advantage of him, he thrives. Compounded by that, we also have his actions in the present to further prove what is true and what isn't.

While he is stern with the orphan boy (I'm sorry I can't remember his name, damn it) there is no malice or cruelty in what he has to say. He doesn't punish the kid or do anything out of line. It may not be fair in terms of the adult level of discretion he asks of him, but the kid also didn't have a lot of options realistically speaking lmao. Same thing with MC, she and the orphan boy are nearly identical in how Jeanne treats them. He's a little rough, but the route reveals that his intentions are just a reflection of what he's been through. He truly believes that if a person isn't strong, they won't survive--because his entire life was a series of trying to be strong/reliable because nobody else would. There was nobody to protect him, and nobody to care for him went things went south. It was him and his sword against the world, and even his exceptional skill as a fighter did not protect him from the Inquisition's arbitrary torture. He has lived in a world where good acts can become absolutely meaningless, where following rules and helping people still gets you slaughtered. That's going to take a considerable toll on his mental health: where do you find the will to go on when the next second of your life could mean the devastation of everything that matters to you?

Spoilers: you don't. Or if you do, every minute of the day is a fight to stay alive. That is the point at which we meet Jeanne. Caught in the hellish whirlpool of wanting more, wanting better--but being terrified of the cost. The cost of hoping, only for his entire world to go up in flames again. It's not a small thing, in my view.

If you have any doubts as to whether or not that is the case, I direct you to literally every singular instance in which Jeanne's emotional sensibility goes visibly dark/south. When do these instances happen? When it rains, for one. And when Shakespeare deliberately starts pressing on his sensitivities: about the soldiers he was forced to kill, about the nation that spurned him, how he's truly "wicked" at heart and doesn't deserve to be happy--seconds before flames erupt for the festival. Does that really sound coincidental? I mean lmao. The rain is a painful reminder, but MC transforms that memory into something a little lighter with her bet. He has nothing to lose in her game, all she does is ask for time with him or offers him something if she loses. There's a playfulness there, a restoration of agency and ease that's invaluable to his recovery.

As for Shakespeare's deliberate retraumatization...I can't even begin to explain how damaging that event was. Shakespeare is undermining Jeanne's agency in that he--not unlike the corrupt monarch of Jeanne's era--is twisting Jeanne's beliefs to work against him. He knows full well that Jeanne doesn't feel like he deserves somebody so bright and understanding (we need to remember it's not really a luxury he's had much in life, especially after the war ended). He knows Jeanne has a tendency to impose that strict moral code on himself even more than he does on others. To reaffirm his every worst fear and lurking terror only throws Jeanne into a vicious downspiral. Jeanne doesn't reject MC out of disgust or hate. He rejects her because he literally cannot handle the concept of trying to be happy again, or of burdening her with his constant struggle to move on while he’s in the middle of a bad episode. He knows he won’t be able to stop reliving the past, that every second of his life and breath will be colored by his gruesome memories. He's trying as hard as he can to keep the intrusive thoughts quiet, to move on. But I'm not going to lie to any of you, that is incredibly difficult to do alone.

The next obvious question is, well why can't the other men help him? This isn't to say that they can't--we see how much solace Jeanne finds in Napoleon and Mozart. Even Isaac is gentle with the veteran. But there are limits to how much they can do. Napoleon is struggling with his own wartime trauma, and it's not identical to Jeanne's. Plus there’s a distinct difference in their sensibilities? Napoleon is the type to habitually seek comfort in helping others when he can't help himself, he's not as in tune with answering his own personal feelings and regulating them. (I mean just look at his new ES: he knows what he wants, but it takes a nudge from Isaac for him to go through with it.) He’s very communally reliant in ways Jeanne isn’t; Jeanne is a very private person, and typically prefers one on one from what I can tell.

Mozart is the definition of repression, and if you look at their interactions it's usually Jeanne that's smoothing over Mozart's rough edges. Mozart says as much himself: that he feels like a rotten friend because he knew Jeanne was struggling with a lot of intense trauma, but he didn't know how to unravel it without hurting him in the process. Mozart calls it personal cowardice, but honestly I just feel like they both had too much going on to be able to help each other effectively. (And Jeanne expresses this sentiment too? This idea that he's not angry with Mozart? He knows they're both carrying a lot, he's just touched Mozart cares about him in return.)

Okay, briefly unrelated, but like. Am I the only one that wheezes uncontrollably when Mozart is like "?????? Idk what it is about MC...I don't want her to be scared of me..." in his own main story in the baths. And Jeanne. IS TRYING SO HARD. NOT TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT HIM O B V I O U S L Y BEING IN LOVE. THE HILARITY I CAN'T DO THIS. Jeanne was like "yeah....yeah that's rough buddy.......[screams internally, give your boy time Jeanne he's fragile]"

Honestly? That's the thing about Jeanne too--he has incredible self-awareness and hyperarousal-related (I mean the PTSD kind, get your head out of the gutter) awareness to the people around him. He's very, very conscious of the fact that he is surrounded by geniuses when he can't even write his own name. Just because he has the fortitude not to lash out with his insecurities, doesn't mean he never feels stupid or inferior. And it doesn't help when there are people in the mansion who call him--a fucking war veteran from 500 YEARS AGO--nAiVe. He's not naive lmao. He just doesn't know how the world works so many years later, and it's a ridiculously steep learning curve? Leonardo and Comte are nearly 500 years old, but they lived throughout every hour of that time in a linear fashion. It is a big deal to be moved from 1430 to 1890 in the span of a second asynchronously, and then be expected to function without a hitch??? Given the circumstances he adapts well.

That atmosphere--this constant impatience with what he doesn’t understand, his inability to be caught up to speed quickly--is going to hinder his recovery lmao. He feels like a burden most of the time, and agency and freedom are crucial.

Another thing that occurs to me about the mansion's arrangement is that there is a power dynamic, just as any space with people in it has some level of hierarchy (unless you live with miraculously chill people). Jeanne is acutely aware that Comte is the most powerful being in that space, and he is not only hatefully angry at him--but likely afraid too. We have to remember that the biggest betrayal he witnessed in his life was at the hands of a monarch; it was the aristocracy that turned on him and erased the truth. Comte is openly a child that resulted from both that era and that type of lineage, I don't really blame Jeanne for being wary. He intimately knows how willing rich people are to throw normal folks under the bus to suit their ambitions/whims. Comte, while not deliberately threatening, also seems to be painfully aware of this impression he gives off. His "chad persona" as I've mentioned allows him to navigate his life in secret by necessity, but it’s actively damaging to his son. He can't reveal the truth because of Vlad's betrayal, and he's openly unsettled by what it could mean to be honest. Will they wonder about Vlad and find themselves ensnared under his mind control as Charles and Shakespeare are? Will Comte himself be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known only to lose them?? That's a risk he isn't willing to take--and that leaves him in a double bind.

What is it that they say, the truth will set you free? This is where MC and Comte come into enormous play when it comes to Jeanne's recovery. One thing to keep in mind is that most of the people in the mansion have their own traumas they're trying to carry, and I feel like a lot of them are unsure how to approach Jeanne. Or if they do, he's very guarded. It takes a lot of consistent effort to get through to him. What does MC do when Jeanne unleashes his harsh worldview on her? She's understandably frightened, but Jeanne isn't malicious (so she chases him around). In fact, he openly avoids and runs away from her--well aware that what he's done is wrong. If anything, he did it on purpose, bringing us right back to Shakespeare's verbal undoing; why does Jeanne attack her in the first place?

LMAO. He attacks her because she essentially says "oh thanks for helping me!" "I am not nice. Watch yourself." "But you seem like a nice guy to me?" "REEEEEE" Does the pattern become a little clearer? When people think kindly of him, his instinct is to shatter that illusion with an impulsive reprehensible act. When people think poorly of him or lash out, what does he do? When that orphan boy starts yelling and screaming, Jeanne is nothing but calm. He explains the situation, and offers the kid a choice, perfectly happy to be the bearer of bad news. This operates on many levels I’m sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with him being hailed a saint and a war hero only to be tortured and branded a monstrosity (and he probably thinks being a vampire is doubly monstrous). He’s more comfortable being hated because he feels it’s what he deserves in a lot of ways.

Jeanne has a lot of internalized self-hatred because of what he's done, and because of how much harm was inflicted on him outside of his control (he's Catholic and he was tortured, come on this writes itself). If I'm honest, I think that's actually the greater part of why he hates Comte lmao. Comte refuses the very concept of being cruel no matter how much Jeanne lashes out. Sure he lectures him and scolds him, but he never actively limits what's important to him or controls or harms him. Comte fully realizes the tragedy of how Jeanne's life was used by a nation in dire straits, and knows he needs time and acceptance to heal. No matter how dismal or unhappy, Comte doesn't stop--he fully believes Jeanne should have time in his life where he can really live for himself for once. But therein lies the issue, Jeanne doesn't know how to live for himself.

Which brings me to how MC and Comte "heal" Jeanne. I feel like they give him the space he needs to recover, and that's what results in his gentled temperament and happiness. Remember that so much of his main story is MC endlessly chasing after Jeanne. No amounts of his hissing or running or threatening stops her. Even if his refusals are empty of real dislike, they're enough to deter most people. Not MC. She's able to see through to the depths of who he is, and doesn't just use him for her own ends? She actively seeks to teach him (to read and write) to help him settle better in this era, she actively tries to ease his distaste for rain with a well-meaning bet, and she never gives up on him. (Actions mean so much more to him than words in general too, tbh...). Love is more easily defined by work and effort than it is by attraction.

When he has his episode at the festival, sure she's rattled; but that's because she truly believed that he didn't want to be around her anymore. When she notices he really doesn’t want to be followed, she stops like any normal person would. It’s only when she reads his notebook and sees the truth for herself (that he’s given up despite having the same feelings for her) that her determination is rekindled. She doesn't approach him fearfully, doesn't treat him like he's made of glass either. She just wants him as he is--accepts and loves him as he is. Scarred, bloody, exhausted, abrasive, terrified. She doesn't define him by how easy he is to love. That is a huge issue with traumatized people lmao. Because of their maturity, people always just assume they don't need help, or they rely on them to an extent that isn't sustainable. The second they reveal need or that they struggle, people walk away or victim blame them because it’s easier than taking them seriously.

While MC's attempts may be a little more obvious (cherishing his lily field, wearing the hair pin he gave her, careful about his gruesome injury, really listens when he talks about the horrors of his life and accepts that he experienced a level of agony/terror she can never understand, tries to express her feelings no matter his evasion) I think it's also important to consider Comte's large scale effort. I don't say this to undermine MC, I say it because Jeanne's life was defined by a complete lack of security. He left his parents to make their lives easier, he lived in a war that meant life or death any second, and his country's leader branded him a traitor which lead to his endless torture and public execution. Jeanne does not know a life in which safety is the norm. Point blank. He does not understanding going outside and not expecting the worst anymore.

Comte not only understands that level of despair, but treats it with dignity and respect. He fully accepts being hated if it means Jeanne can use that hatred to live on and find a way to heal. And most importantly, when Jeanne begins to move forward with MC and Mozart's help, Comte never once holds it against Jeanne when the truth is revealed. He's not angry, this isn't about reprisal or reparations or revenge. It's just love.

Jeanne doesn't really have a concept of this? His entire life was mostly transactional, defined by strength and efficiency. Nobody gives a damn about your feelings. You either hurl yourself at the problem or die. Nobody is going to help you or carry you or save you. While he may have had a little more support while he was in the military from his fellow soldiers, that support system was ripped away from him during the Inquisition.

One very common sentiment regarding elongated imprisonment and torture is that survival occurs in pairs. It is an undeniable fact that people need others to survive. It is the nature of who we are. Individualism has never proven to be successful, or if it is, its dividends are astronomically minimal when compared to people working together.

What does it mean to be the most reliable, steady person in the room? Usually it just means you don't know how to ask for help when you are no longer capable of maintaining that stance. Napoleon is guilty of it. Leonardo, Comte, and Jeanne all are too. It's part of why MC and Comte's capacity to see what he needs and provide as much as they can is such a big deal. That sort of consistent support (without a constant necessity to beg for help) allows Jeanne to be able to re-integrate into his new reality and find joy. Even if his nightmares and memories never go away, they are now being actively overrun by positive experiences. That's the thing about recovery, really--it tends to be more about drowning out the negative as much as possible and coming to terms with it, than it is about forgetting or never feeling it again. It’s about softening the sharp edges of pain like sea glass.

So is MC magical and randomly got Jeanne to open up? Nah, I don't think so. I think it was a series of persistence and real acceptance of who he is that made him warm up. People really seem to underestimate how deeply affecting understanding is, but that's how damage is undone. Jeanne can't really linger on the idea of his own monstrousness, his unworthiness, a lifetime of misery, when the person in front of him actively listens and cares about him. Makes him laugh and smile and lose himself in warmth for the first time.

If I'm honest, I feel like people also just...underestimate the level of traumatic resurgence that's perpetuated and inflicted by society’s standards in general lmao. This rhetorical structure in which good and bad exist in moral extremes, this idea that people should be able to recover and never experience relapses or periods of sensitivity. The refusal to radically listen to people and their problems, and make active attempts--not matter how small--to mend/ease those hurt feelings. Granted there will always be people in the world who do not want to improve, but I feel like most people want to. It's hopelessness, silence, and stigmatization that remain the true enemies of traumatized/mentally ill people everywhere. And among that population are always war veterans...

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

Hermitopia AU Conclusion

The last ask has been answered, the masterposts are complete, and (although art, writing, and Discord discussion are still accepted and encouraged) it is finally time to officially wrap up the Hermitopia AU! Because this was such a massive event - and no small thing to moderate - there will be a pause in blog activity for a day or so before the inbox will open for regular headcanons again. I apologize in advance for the wait!

In the mean time, I would just like to say: I am so, so thankful to everyone who participated in the AU. Your ideas and your creativity have made this blog a better place, whether you sent in one headcanon or dozens, and I am constantly in awe of the energy and enthusiasm of this community. Thank you, all of you, for making this universe we’ve created as vast and as interesting as it turned out to be.

Below are a collection of my own ideas, for those of you who like a satisfying (but still not entirely closed-ended) ending. These events take place as many days, months, or years into the future as you need them to make your own ideas work, and none of them are set in stone. You can take all of them, some of them, or none of them as truth if you want to...but either way, it has been an honour to build on a project like this one alongside you all.

And with that...the Hermitopia AU concludes! Finished, or barely begun, like so many good projects are. Have a great day everyone, and happy headcanoning!

- Mod Shade

"People of Hermitopia."

The man on the screen shifts, running a nervous hand across his bald head and squaring his shoulders. The broadcast quality is unstable, but it's more than enough for every citizen in the city to recognize who's speaking.

"This is your Concorp Branch Director, Cub. As I'm sure you are aware, I am the head of Project VEX in this city. You all know the VEX initiative as groundbreaking, life-saving, a shining success and a step towards a new era for humanity...and some of you may even see me as a hero for creating it.”

He closes his eyes, a brief look of pained remorse crossing his face. For a moment, he looks utterly defeated, almost small in the face of his impromptu audience of thousands...but finally, he fixes the camera with a steady gaze once more and begins the great unravelling.

“Maybe it was all those things, in the beginning. Maybe *I* was, once. But today, after far too long, I have some confessions to make...."

~

- For years, Cub had been desperately scrambling to hold the tatters of his life’s work together. Project VEX had started so well, and he had poured so much of himself into it, that when the failed experiments and rebellions became more and more frequent he was unable to accept a change of course. He covered up the project’s failings to maintain funding and public image, but mostly to maintain his own image to himself - that he was still the hero he’d set out to be and create at the project’s start. However, his denial was wearing on him heavily, and eventually he had a breakdown and decided to go public rather than keep drowning the city in lies.

- This breakdown was prompted by xB, who after his own moral breakthrough, confronted Cub and urged him to stop withholding knowledge and truth. xB also informed Cub of his own unknown truth - that the unintended power of his presence was the thing that was keeping the experiments successful when Cub was around. This was the final straw in breaking through Cub’s denial

- Along with Cub’s broadcasted speech, files were released to the media containing proof against most if not all of Concorp’s falsehoods. Many names were cleared of crimes that had been pinned on them, including Beef, Impulse, Doc, Cleo, and the majority of the other Unrestrained and Unaffiliated former VEX trainees that the company had tried to cast away

- Understandably, it took a very long time for the chaos to die down and all that information to be processed by society and the justice system. It may be years before the community can see some of their heroes in the proper light again, but at least they are now free to begin rebuilding their reputation without being labeled as villains and traitors.

- Those who actually did commit villainous acts are given a fair trial, with consideration for their motives and the new Concorp information as extra evidence

- The VEX program is withdrawn by Cub’s superiors and put under a strict review. It is reborn after a massive restructuring, with a new director, new limitations on what experiments can and cannot be attempted, and a greatly extended screening and training program to reduce the chances of graduates becoming villains. The new project will produce far fewer heroes with much subtler powers at first...but if that is the cost for the safety and stability of the city, then most people would agree that it is a small price to pay.

- Cub is not permitted to work on the new Project VEX in a management role, ever again. It’s a harsh blow for him, to have to watch his dream from the sidelines...but he knows he gave up the right to guide it when he abused the control that it gave him. At least his superiors allowed him something to do while he awaits trial: he is present (although guarded) at every new VEX trainee’s first experiment, lending his power to increase their chances of success.

- Mayor Scar resigned willingly. Nobody had enough evidence to accuse him of anything, and he didn’t plan on giving them a reason to look by trying to stay in office. Instead he chose to make his exit from both Concorp and government matters complete, at last. Or so he thinks. Who knows? Maybe he’ll learn what most of the people he’s helped to manipulate have already found out: that connections and old grudges don’t easily lose their grip.

- Scar is replaced by TFC, voted in by almost unanimous community support and funded by donations from all the people he’s saved over the years

- The greater Convex company offers a choice to the survivors of the old program: Come to work under their new, more honorable system, or take a generously large settlement and be free to build new lives

- Team ZIT declines the job offer, pooling their payment and using it to buy a shiny new base together for their independent hero venture. There are still a handful of real villains to fight, after all, and there are bound to be more once people start successfully copying Concorp technology. Now that Impulse is back at their side, they wouldn’t give up their roles saving the community for anything - but they’re done with being used by some guy behind a desk. From now on, justice and bravery will be their only guides!

- ...justice, bravery, and TFC, that is. He isn’t their boss by any means, but the more experienced hero does drop by often between his mayoral duties to make sure the youngsters stay out of trouble and in one piece.

- The nHo, according to all official records, took their settlements and split up, leaving Hermitopia far behind. However, Team ZIT suspects that the vigilante life hasn’t left them so easily. They’d be the last ones to report the odd sighting of a whipping vine or a distant masked figure, though - unregulated as they are, the nHo’s shady methods for a good cause prove useful from time to time. (And their base has really good tea. Okay, maybe it’s a little bit more than “the occasional sighting”...)

- Ren settles back into his meadow cabin, but after that massive release of info and a long, LONG period of processing, he now has Iskall, Stress, and Cleo as regular visitors. Every morning he wakes up and forgets for a moment that it’s real, that they’re really alive and with him again...but they are, and he is happier than he ever thought he would be again.

- Jevin and Mumbo visit the cabin occasionally. It took a while for Mumbo to get his memory back, but he now remembers all of his friendship with Iskall and Grian, and they come together for fun and shenanigans regularly with the rest of the cabin crew.

- Grian still spends his time looking for his clones, but honestly, he doesn’t mind. The adventure always did hold more meaning than the conclusion for him, and now, he has friends to help out!

- False disappears into thin air to wait out the fallout of Concorp’s information release. She snags herself a quiet job and a small apartment on the outskirts of town, fully intending to return to her mercenary work just as soon as the dust has settled...next week, maybe. Or the week after that. Or maybe, once the garden has been fully planted. She’s really enjoying having time for stuff like that now...but she’ll get back to work, really, she will! Soon.

- Joe and Cleo tearfully reunite through xB, and Joe becomes another frequent visitor to the cabin. Cleo also visits Joe’s base in the time exclusion zone, but she really prefers the cabin. Time skips are disorienting, and they make her want to sneeze.

- Keralis and Void come to an agreement. Xisuma isn’t entirely clear on what that agreement is - something to do with an allowance of cookies from Biffa’s bakery in exchange for not killing anyone - but he’s more than happy to be less sore and tired all the time.

Hermitopia is making progress. Real progress, this time - not just the breaking of humanity’s limitations, but breaking them with true heroic care, with the good of everyone in mind. There are some hurts that will never fully heal, mistakes that can be learned from but not undone, and yet...now there is a path, a way forward. It won’t be easy, but a kind and gentle future waits for them, welcome and well deserved. They will figure it out, together.

And together, they will step forward, into the new world that each of them has helped to create.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Tedious Joys - Chapter 8 - END

- Ao3 link -

“You’re not going to like what we’ve decided,” Lao Nie said.

Lan Qiren could have guessed that from the way that the other man had marched into the room and promptly used Lan Qiren’s thigh as a pillow, primarily, Lan Qiren suspected, because he didn’t want to have to look Lan Qiren in the face.

It was a common tactic of his these days. The Nie clan had always been inclined towards tactile behavior and a certain lack of personal boundaries – personal information was too much to share, but apparently bodies were free game – and Lao Nie had very quickly transitioned from embarrassment to taking advantage of his newfound dependency on regular physical contact with Lan Qiren. Much to Lan Qiren’s relief, they had managed, with some experimenting and considerable effort on all parts involved, for Lao Nie to form a bond directly with the jade pendant. Now, as long as he carried the pendant, he was able to be by himself for a shichen or so without experiencing any degradation in his mental state – and that, in turn, enabled them both to separate and allowed them both some measure of privacy.

Unfortunately, after that shichen was over, Lao Nie would begin to become irritable and irrational again, his eyes slowly becoming bloodshot as the rage and resentful energy contained now wholly within him, rather than in the jade – in Jiwei, rather – began to need to be excised. Exercise and cultivation with a heavy training saber helped slow the effects, as did Lan Qiren’s musical efforts to calm and clear his mind, but Lao Nie’s cultivation was simply too high for it to last for very long. It was as if half his meridians had vanished overnight and yet he continued to cultivate as he did before; it was as if his dominant arm had been abruptly cut off, and yet he instinctively continued to try to do everything he previously could. He needed his saber to complete even a standard circulation of his qi, and short of suppressing his spiritual energy entirely (another experiment that met with some limited success, getting them another two shichen of time apart if they really needed it, but which was not a long-term solution given the unfortunate side effects), he had to have access to it.

Currently, that access was through Lan Qiren.

“If you’re warning me in advance, I’m quite certain that I won’t like it,” he said mildly, continuing to play uninterrupted. He wasn’t cultivating anything at the moment – the piece he was working on was actually a refinement of the music he’d inadvertently created in his grief at Cangse Sanren’s death, the one that had made his normally very stable nephews burst into tears, and he didn’t want to add spiritual energy to it until he’d worked out exactly how he wanted it to go. He reached an appropriate stopping place, noted down a few revisions to the score, and put his guqin aside. “You should tell me about it regardless.”

Lao Nie exhaled. “Well, good news first – the smiths have finally finished conferring and they’ve concluded that they believe it’s possible to try reforging Jiwei, so they’re willing to give it a try.”

“Good,” Lan Qiren said. He hadn’t really understood the spiritual weaponsmiths’ reluctance on the subject, but he respected their expertise as craftsmen, just as they respected his as a musician. “Once the saber has been remade, I can reestablish the resonance between them and, in theory, Jiwei should be able to use that pathway to return - and with greater ease, as she would be returning to her more familiar self.”

“Not that easy, unfortunately,” Lao Nie said regretfully. “Jiwei was shattered. To remake the blade, they will need to – for want of a better explanation – melt her down and start entirely afresh. It will be like having a wholly different saber, albeit with the same metal that she’s used to.”

Lan Qiren frowned.

“There, you see the issue. If it’s a new saber, the familiarity will be absent. We will need to work on reestablishing the resonance the way we did with the pendant, and that means –”

“Slowly.” Lan Qiren’s frown deepened. It had taken him years to establish that initial resonance, and knowing how it was done could only reduce the process by so much. “That is indeed a problem. I cannot stay here as long as that would take. In all truth, I am surprised that I have not already been summoned back by my sect…”

“Oh, you have,” Lao Nie said cheerfully. “A-Jue burned the letters and told the messengers to fuck off.”

Lan Qiren’s jaw dropped. “He did what?!”

“Did we not say? You’ve officially been kidnapped! Well, no, really it’s more of a hostage exchange situation, since they have A-Sang with them…oh, don’t look so horrified, Qiren,” Lao Nie said, starting to laugh. “Your sect elders have indicated that no offense was taken, under the circumstances.”

“Circumstances?!” Lan Qiren spluttered a little. “You’re not serious! What circumstances could justify one sect kidnapping another sect’s sect leader, acting or otherwise?!”

Lao Nie stopped laughing, the sound cutting off as if he’d been choked. “Yes, well,” he said, closing his eyes. “That’s the part you’re really not going to like.”

Lan Qiren determinedly prodded at Lao Nie’s shoulder until the other man, grumbling, sat up and took a proper seat so that they could have this discussion face-to-face. Their knees remained touching, which was good enough, and about all that the scoundrel deserved at the moment.

“Explain,” Lan Qiren ordered, and Lao Nie dipped his head into a nod.

“There are several relevant points,” he said crisply, dropping into the familiar pattern of a report. “First, Hanhan has clearly decided that he wants me dead –”

“Must you?” Lan Qiren interjected, even though he had not meant to interrupt.

“Oh, I must.” Lao Nie’s eyes were flinty. “He decided that if he couldn’t have me – and no one said he couldn’t, except his own paranoia – that if he couldn’t, no one could, and I’m not about to forgive him for that, don’t worry. But he’s still my Hanhan, my A-Han, underneath all his madness, and for my own sake, I’m not going to let anyone, whether him or me, forget it. No matter how necessary, some things have to hurt, and to their fullest extent...However, that’s not what’s relevant now. May I continue?”

Lan Qiren nodded.

“He wants me dead,” Lao Nie said, resuming his narrative. “Now that he tried once, he may try again, and I currently lack the capability to defend myself – the doctors, and you, have all agreed that I should avoid any excessive use of qi, and fighting a battle with a saber that isn’t Jiwei is a recipe for disaster in the best of times. I can’t exactly swing the pendant around, can I? Moreover, it may take years for us to establish the resonance, re-transfer Jiwei, and for me to re-familiarize myself with the new saber.”

Lan Qiren did not like the way this was going.

“There’s also the matter that I can’t be without physical contact with you for extended periods of time, and you of course have your responsibility to your sect,” Lao Nie continued. “Kidnapping you is, at best, a temporary fix. We will need something more permanent, and your sect elders have already indicated that they won’t let you marry out until your nephews are grown – and obviously we can’t wait that long, even assuming you’d want to marry me.”

Lan Qiren opened his mouth.

“Don’t say that you’d be willing to make the sacrifice to marry me, because even if you would, I wouldn’t. Putting aside the fact that you wouldn’t be happy leaving the Cloud Recesses and as much as I adore you, having been married before, I’m quite certain that I only want to marry my lovers, thank you.”

Lan Qiren had, in fact, been about to make an offer just like that, but he kept his mouth shut. They could discuss it at length at a later point.

“In short, the best solution to all of these problems, therefore, appears to be to allow events to play out as Hanhan would have wanted: for me to die.”

“You cannot be serious!” Lan Qiren exclaimed, abruptly furious. “After all the effort we put into saving your life, you would just throw it away?”

Lao Nie held up his hands. “Forgive me, I spoke unwisely – ‘do not take your words lightly’, right?”

Lan Qiren was usually very easily distracted by the mention of the Lan sect rules, but he resisted the temptation and glared.

“I didn’t mean I’d actually die,” Lao Nie said, and Lan Qiren’s shoulders relaxed a little. “Only that that would be the story we put out to the world. The process has already begun – that’s why your sect elders aren’t kicking up a fit about A-Jue being so rude to them about refusing to return you.”

“They think he’s in mourning,” Lan Qiren realized. “Whether actual, or merely preemptive.”

He could see how it might appear that way: Nie Mingjue showing up late in the evening, depositing a shaken and terrified Nie Huaisang, using up all the medical supplies in Lan Qiren’s personal possession, and then asking Lan Qiren to return home with him…

Due to Lan Qiren’s friendship with Lao Nie, Nie Mingjue had grown up especially close to the Lan sect; Lan Qiren had been his teacher, and in the end he was only fifteen, even if most people didn’t know that. Even in a world where Lao Nie could not have been saved, he might have refused to let Lan Qiren go home so quickly, seeking comfort from the sole familial authority, however informally constituted, that he had remaining.

“But Lao Nie,” Lan Qiren said slowly. “If you are supposedly dead, then Mingjue will need to become sect leader.”

Lao Nie grimaced, but nodded.

He’d been right about one thing, at least: Lan Qiren did not like what the Nie sect had decided.

He didn’t like it one bit.

“You know what that will do to him,” he said. He himself knew it better than anyone.

“I do,” Lao Nie confirmed, looking pained. “But it’s the best out of a short list of very bad options. If I stay on as sect leader in my current state, someone will kill me – probably Hanhan, but maybe someone else, one of the many small sects that have ambitions of taking the Nie sect’s place – and if that happens, A-Jue will have to become sect leader in truth, without my support. At least this way, I can act as an advisor, aid him with paperwork…that sort of thing.”

As much as Lan Qiren would have liked to argue, he didn’t have a good rebuttal to that.

Lao Nie’s position within the Nie sect was as secure as anything, and the Nie sect’s position as a Great Sect was nearly as unshakable, but there were always smaller sects looking to see whether that could change. If he were known to be so critically weakened...Wen Ruohan might not even need to kill him personally. He’d just need to wait.

And the rest was true, too. There were many things Lao Nie could do from a distance - his month at the Lan sect had shown that much - and having someone reliable to turn to for advice and hard choices was the ideal sort of transition for a new sect leader.

Still, the sect conferences alone would be horrifying, and those Lao Nie would not be able to aid Nie Mingjue with, even if he could help with all the rest.

He hated it.

But he couldn’t argue against it.

“Moreover, without the bulk of the responsibilities of sect leader on my shoulders, I’ll have more opportunity to focus on healing.”

That was true as well. Lao Nie had been hurt very deeply by Jiwei’s destruction. His cultivation had fallen, his usual cultivation pathway denied to him, his trust in his own mental well-being betrayed…in an ideal world, Lan Qiren would recommend seclusion for a few months, maybe even a year, for him to focus on reestablishing his connection with himself, re-centering his foundation so that he could climb up once more. But for a sect leader, that was impossible.

“Very well,” Lan Qiren said, although he made sure by his tone to make clear how much he disapproved. “I understand the basis for your decision.”

“I thought you might.”

“There’s only one flaw I see with your plan.”

“Oh?”

Lan Qiren folded his hands together in front of him. “You still need me, don’t you? Even with the excuse of mourning, Nie Mingjue can only request my presence for so long before the demands of my sect become paramount over their respect for his filial piety and grief.”

“Oh, we’ll let you go back eventually,” Lao Nie said with a shrug. “And I’d go with you.”

Lan Qiren had been expecting that. “And how exactly do you intend to keep the story of your death intact if you’re living with me at the Cloud Recesses? Even if we increase your tolerance such that you can stay home at all times, my home is often visited by my students, including those from other sects – and while there may be a rule against talking behind people’s backs, it is one of the most commonly broken.”

Lao Nie winced in a way that suggested both that he had thought of an answer to that question and also that Lan Qiren was going to hate it.

“Whatever you say, I cannot dislike it more than A-Jue becoming sect leader at fifteen,” Lan Qiren pointed out.

“I don’t know about that,” Lao Nie said. “Given that to this day you despise the smell of gentians.”

Lan Qiren’s brain came to an abrupt halt.

“Absolutely not,” he said.

“Qiren…”

“Absolutely not.”

“It’s a good solution,” Lao Nie argued. “No one in your sect goes to that house – most of them don’t even know it exists! It’s within a short walking distance of your home, protected by arrays to enhance silence and protect privacy…”

“I am not locking you in He Kexin’s place!” Lan Qiren bellowed.

“You wouldn’t be locking me anywhere,” Lao Nie said, for once the reasonable and calm one in the face of Lan Qiren’s fury. “I would be going willingly, and I would be free to leave at any time. You’re not your brother, Qiren, and I’m not He Kexin – not least of which because I’m neither capable of nor interested in bearing two sons for you as a means of passing the time.” He paused, tilting his head to the side. “A bit of a pity, that. I’m sure they’d be cute.”

Lan Qiren rolled his eyes at him, although the reassurance and humor had helped douse the worst of his terror at the mere idea. Irritatingly, it was a good solution: he had made the trek to He Kexin’s home hundreds of times and no one had ever raised any questions. In the unlikely event that they did so now, he could claim he was merely tending to the garden to maintain it for his nephews; more likely, however, they would simply not notice – the path between the two locations was short and purposefully discrete.

“You’ll need someone to clean the place,” he pointed out. “Even He Kexin had servants, and if you don’t want anyone from the Lan sect finding out about it…”

“I have some servants that are loyal to me personally, and which are not Nie sect disciples,” Lao Nie said. “They can seek employment at the Cloud Recesses on the basis that they didn’t want to remain here after I’d gone – literally true, if you think about it in a certain light. Your sect would snatch them up in a heartbeat.”

They would, too, even without Lan Qiren interfering: properly trained servants who knew how to serve cultivators were a precious commodity that often had to be raised up from a young age or recruited with great caution from the ranks of rogue cultivators, and ones with the skills and experience that came from serving at another Great Sect were even more valued than most. And once they were part of the Cloud Recesses, there would be no difficulty in Lan Qiren adding the task of caring for He Kexin’s house to their list of duties.

“It’s a good plan,” he finally conceded, and Lao Nie sniggered.

“You look as though you’ve bitten into a lemon, Qiren. Did it hurt to say?”

“It hurt to think,” he retorted, and turned back to his guqin. “Will you visit my brother while you’re there? He might enjoy hearing your voice and knowing that you are close.”

Lao Nie had always refused in the past, and he shook his head now. “Not all of us are as forgiving as you, Qiren. Qingheng-jun made his choices.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“He makes them again every day,” Lao Nie disagreed. “He may have declared that he would stay in seclusion for the rest of his life to make amends, but that was his decision. He could break his oath and come out, do the right thing, but he doesn’t want to.”

It was an old argument, and an unproductive one. Lan Qiren shook his head, signaling that he would no longer engage.

He had other things to be concerned with, and would for some time. There was helping with Lao Nie’s recovery, creating the new resonance, playing calming music for him, keeping his secret; he would also need to help support Nie Mingjue as much as possible during his transition to sect leader, whether through correspondence and advice or through active intervention during the discussion conferences. He would need to manage his nephews, who he had taught so carefully not to lie, and yet they would need to learn to keep this secret, too.

Taking care of Lao Nie would also be an additional set of duties, on top of being sect leader and being a teacher and being himself, but Lan Qiren didn’t mind it.

It wouldn’t be so bad, actually, now that he thought of it without prejudice. To have someone close by to take tea with in the afternoons when his nephews were too busy and it wasn’t the right time of year for students, someone with whom he could speak on any range of subjects, including his occasional frustrations with his sect, stories about his students, the political troubles of the day – a friend close by, rather than at a distance. Someone who would probably encourage him to take more exercise than he usually did, to try things outside of his comfort zone, someone who would listen to his ideas on music or the rules without judgment, someone who would share his burdens and support him…it would be a little like having a wife, but without all the inconvenient aspects that he so thoroughly disliked.

“It’s not too bad, as such things go,” Lao Nie said, his thoughts clearly moving along a similar line as Lan Qiren’s. “Whatever the world thinks, I’ll be the first Nie sect leader to live to enjoy a retirement, however premature.”

This was true.

“I’ll miss my boys, of course,” Lao Nie added. “But I’ll write, and you can invite A-Sang to your lectures when he’s old enough. A-Jue can come visit you, sect leader to sect leader…I wouldn’t be the first father to only see his children a few times a year.”

“Nie Huaisang will probably fail my classes,” Lan Qiren said, having been acquainted with the individual in question for some time now. A clever child, even very clever, but he was also lazy, hated reciting facts, and was as stubborn as a rock – as stubborn as his father. “You’ll probably have the joy of him for several summers in a row.”

Lao Nie smiled.  

“Well, I can’t say this was what I expected when I wrote to you for help all those years ago,” he joked, leaning down and playing with the jade token that now hung from his belt rather than Lan Qiren’s. Wen Ruohan would probably have a fit if he ever saw it – indeed, Lan Qiren was already looking forward to that day in the future, however distant, where Lao Nie would regain his saber and his former strength and re-emerge to make his feelings on the subject of Wen Ruohan’s actions clear. “But I’m still glad you came.”

“As am I, my friend,” Lan Qiren said. “As am I.”

[cosmicjoke]

Ugh, okay, chapter 81 of AoT, and I’m in the corner cryin’.

But seriously, what an emotionally powerful chapter this was.  God man, it’s gonna’ take me a minute to get my thoughts in order.

Well, first of all, Erwin, and all of the recruits, watching them sacrifice their lives here was just so absolutely, emotionally powerful.  Just incredibly moving and heartbreaking.  Even after Erwin gets hit and falls, (and the panels here of him dying are truly devastating, powerful images) to see the recruits continuing to charge forward, to carry on in his stead, it really is just so intense, and as well speaks to Erwin’s own power as a commander, how he was able to inspire these people into giving their lives for a greater cause.  To see their courage in the face of certain death, carrying on Erwin’s spirt here, it truly was one of the most moving, and also one of the most heart-wrenching moments in SnK up to this point.  I felt so much for all of them.  The way Marlowe thought of Hitch too, in the end, never realizing it was because he was in love with her, ugh, my heart.

Now contrasting that, and I swear to Christ, I really, REALLY don’t understand how anyone can sympathize with Zeke given the sick display he puts on here, his cruelty and ego-driven rage towards these young men and women, and how he lets his rage towards his father fuel his violence towards these innocent people just... it pisses me off so much.  I can’t even.  I mean, Zeke is one twisted, sick mother fucker.  He’s demented, truly, the way he swings wildly between violent rage and perverse glee as he kills them, and then has the unmitigated gall to act like he feels sorry for these people, how clearly he thinks of them as pitiful and pathetic, their sacrifice as meaningless.  He treats them like their lives are pointless, and then has the nerve to play at sympathy for their plight.  What pisses me off the most about Zeke is how utterly self-centered he is.  How everything he does, everything he thinks, is filtered through his own view of the world and life, and how he never once stops to consider the lives of others, their own views or experiences.  Because he’s deemed his own life as worthless and without point, so too has he deemed the lives of every other Eldian.  He’s far and away the most self-centered, ego-driven and selfish character in the whole series.  Oh, he just made me sick here.  His own hypocrisy is equally disgusting, with how angry he becomes when Levi dares to make him pay for what he’s done.  As if he can’t believe anyone would dare cause him harm, unable to comprehend why they would even wish to do so, as if he’s some great, godly figure sent to the world to bestow his twisted sense of mercy on those he deems unfit to live.  Just the whining, hysterical reaction he has to getting fucked up. The ego on this guy is seemingly infinite.  He truly is despicable.  Just a pathetic child of a man taking out his issues on everyone but himself, throwing temper tantrums when anyone dares to challenge him on what he’s decided is right.  Fuck Zeke.  Seriously, just... fuck this guy so much.

Now, enough about him, let’s talk about Levi.

Truly, some of the most heartbreaking moments we’ve seen with Levi up to this point happen in this chapter.   The moments following him taking Zeke down (and yes, that whole sequence was epically bad-ass), just seeing the depth of Levi’s pain here was so devastating, and incredibly moving.  You can see how preoccupied he is with what’s happened.  Zeke isn’t even his main consideration or concern.  He seems almost distracted, looking back behind him, out over the field of his fallen comrades and friends, and wondering in an almost frantic, inner monologue to himself if anyone out there is still alive.  He’s hoping beyond hope that someone, ANYONE, is, so that he can save at least one person.  This goes back to Levi’s determination to keep the new recruits alive back in I think chapter 78 or 79, ordering them not to die, and then trying desperately to get those with the horses back on the other side of the wall.  It really puts into perspective just how devastating this is for Levi, to see all of these people, dead, crushed to death by rocks, all of these people who just a short while ago he had been doing everything he could to protect.  To know they had to die to save only a few.  HIs desperation here, the way he clings to the hope that at least one person is still alive, out of all of them, to be saved, the way he reminds himself that as long as they’re breathing, it can be done, if he gives them the serum, it all just drives home in the most poignant way just how pained Levi is at the sacrifice they’ve all made.  It drives home how much it’s cost Levi, to allow them to do it.  I said before that him making that choice for Erwin was Levi going against every, innate feeling and instinct that he has, the need to protect and save people.  Levi had to go directly against his own nature in order to make that call, and the consequences of that are plain to see in these panels.  His wide eyed, shocked expression, the frantic, mantra-like thoughts going through his mind, almost childlike in the way he keeps asking if anyone is still alive out there, if there’s anyone he can bring back.  And the way he thinks of Erwin specifically when he asks that, it serves as such a cruel reminder that Levi’s just given up one of his dearest and closest friends.  That he’s just willingly lost a person that meant so much to him, in order to obtain any sort of victory for humanity.   It reminds us of the personal cost to Levi.  Another person he’s lost in this battle for humanity’s salvation.  Ah, he just breaks my heart so much here.  And also how it’s that hope, that desperate wish that someone is still able to be saved, that stays Levi’s hand from killing Zeke immediately.  How it’s purely Levi’s wish to save someone that keeps him from killing Zeke then and there, it truly speaks volumes about what kind of person Levi really is, about how much he values life.  

And then of course there’s Levi’s reaction when Pieke catches him off guard and steals Zeke away.  Levi’s stunned horror, as he watches Zeke escaping is, for one, I think, because his chance to save even one life is being taken away, there before his eyes, and, of course, because the purpose behind all of his comrades sacrifices, the reason they gave up their lives, in order for Levi to kill Zeke and provide those left a means of escape, is being rendered meaningless.  We then see Levi’s stunned horror turn to unbridled rage, as he realizes the promise he’d made to Erwin is slipping from his hands.  He can’t allow for all of these people to have died in vain, he can’t let their sacrifices mean nothing, he can’t let that stand.  Once again, the depth with which Levi values the lives of other people is truly incredible, and the emotion in these panels is perhaps the most powerful example of that quality in Levi up to this point in the story.  I just felt so much for him all throughout this.  

When you think about what Levi’s been through here, too, how before he even went after the Beast Titan, he’d already run himself ragged taking down some unknown number of smaller Titans to protect the horses and the new recruits, and then in order to get to Zeke, he had to take down probably a dozen or more 12 or 15 meter Titans, before finally taking the Beast Titan down, all this by himself, it displays the strength of Levi’s will so powerfully, how much of himself he’s willing to give in order to further the cause of others.  For him to then continue to go after Zeke, after all of that, just the way he never gives up, never stops fighting, exemplifies how wholly Levi truly embodies the ideal of the Survey Corps, and the fight for humanity.  What an absolute hero he is.

[sepublic]

Luz and the Selkidomus

           Obviously Luz can’t really be blamed for this, because she didn’t know the Selkidomus was a mother, plus it’s an animal that she didn’t fully know was benevolent, in addition to needing to make ends meet, and having to save her, Eda, AND King’s life by doing this for the Golden Guard;

           But it sure is a dark twist that Luz was set up to kill a mother, with a child nearby… Coupled with potential parallels to how she falls off that one broken ship mast into the chasm, and how that could’ve reminded Eda of Lilith trying to kill Luz.

           Like, in a way- Luz is trying to make up for Agony of a Witch, she doesn’t want to lose HER mother figure… And to do so, she’s about to unknowingly deprive a baby Selkidomus of its mother in the process! There’s just a very dark parallel to that, I feel- That Luz doesn’t want to lose Eda, especially by not being a burden…

           But in her attempts to prove herself to Eda, Luz is just reminding Eda of how she almost watched Luz fall to her death and die! They’ve still got that unresolved trauma, and then Luz almost forces another kid to go through a similar experience as her! It’s almost like Luz could’ve continued a cycle of trauma and loss, but then Eda stepped in and made it clear that Luz does NOT owe her anything, she’s not a burden!

          And fixating on the past, it’s just going to make Luz repeat those same mistakes and history- So she needs to learn to move on as part of her coping with guilt… But also, Luz needs to realize she’s not a burden? And by acting like she is, just as she did in Agony of a Witch, she’s just hurting Eda again; Which is what she’s trying to avoid and make up for? It really is this paradoxical kind of self-loathing.

           There’s just parallels of motherhood with Eda and the Selkidomus, and THEIR kids- How they’re both threatened by someone with a blue color scheme, with an L name, who feels bad about what they unwittingly did to Eda as a young kid, so they’re trying to make up for it on behalf of a member of the Emperor’s Coven, and hurt someone’s mother… Again, coupled with Luz and Lilith’s journeys paralleling one another in Separate Tides;

           And Luz and Lilith really are a LOT alike! And it’s so easy for a kid to feel responsible for these things and beat themselves up over it. And again the foil of Eda feeling like she’s watching Luz die again, and then Luz doing that in reverse by almost killing the Selkidomus in front of its kid… It really is a dark consideration, and I’m so glad that Luz, Eda, and the Selkidomus managed to work things out, and also recognize a mutual enemy in the Emperor’s Coven!

          Luz could’ve repeated Lilith’s mistakes, so it’s interesting that Lilith lashes out at Hooty and explains that he’s not her and can’t understand her position, because in a way, Hooty’s obsessive, overbearing help is a lot like how Luz was in Season 1… 

          And how there IS someone who gets it, and she’s dealing with that same guilt, and almost repeating Lilith’s past sins in the process! But again; Eda manages to break that cycle of trauma and pain, simply by being kind and communicating with Luz, and loving, forgiving, holding no grudges, etc.

          I dunno; I just feel like there’s even more to be said about this callback, about these parallels… About the inverse of that dynamic! I think about it a lot. That Luz doesn’t ever want to feel like she’ll lose Eda again by being a burden that causes trouble and doesn’t help, she doesn’t want to lose Eda in both the figurative and literal sense.

          And yet to do so, Luz almost makes a baby go through the anguish of losing its mother, because that mother was protecting it! The parallels, Luz realizing that her and the Selkidomus baby have a lot in common, even as Lilith struggles with a lack of those who understand her…

           Luz can’t let her emotions and feelings lash out and hurt others, and make them go through the same thing she did! It’s okay for the kid to mess up, the mom will always unconditionally love them… And Luz is figuratively and literally putting a strain in a kid-parent relationship, both with trying to distance herself from Eda to be ‘useful’, and then almost killing the Selkidomus and depriving its child.

          Luz recognizes that same relationship and helps it, and that ends up helping HER relationship with Eda; She helps a mother care for its kid, and that mother helps Eda care for HER kid, because the Selkidomus might just recognize the similarities itself! 

          There’s just SO MUCH mirroring and foiling in this episode, it’s amazing and brilliant! It’s about motherhood, it’s about guilt, it’s about children feeling like burdens and feeling more responsible than they should, it’s about working together, accepting help and letting yourself be vulnerable… I love it!

[freddiefiction]

Jimercury Advent Calendar (Day 25)

And To All a Good Night 💍

Freddie could distinctly remember saying that he didn’t expect to make old bones.

Old age had always been something he dreaded considerably. From the loss of mobility to the slow degradation of looks, he had no aspirations of making it to sixty, let alone seventy-five. As far as he was concerned, he’d be happier to die young and in his prime, rather than live to be the shell of the person he once was, his entire existence merely a waiting game until he was touched by the cold kiss of death.

It was his illness that made him reconsider this opinion. Being so close to the end seemed to flip a switch in his brain that made him realise how much more of life he still had to experience, and how it would be worth living even if it came along with painful joints and mobility scooters. When Khaleel came into their lives, it only furthered his determination to make it to his twilight years; no matter how frail and ugly he became in the passage of time, he was going to hold on for the sake of his son. After all, Khaleel deserved to have his father around for as long as possible.

Freddie had to disagree with his younger self now, as he examined his reflection in the bedroom mirror. True, he wasn’t quite the spring chicken he had been in his youth; his hair was thin and grey, the skin on his face was loose and sagging, and he even had a few liver spots dotted around the bridge of his nose like freckles. But while many would see such changes as unflattering, Freddie found them curiously beautiful. He was far more comfortable in his skin than he used to be, the obsession with his physical appearance having waned over time; he found within himself a deeper kind of beauty, one which worked its way out from the inside, far more authentic and less superficial.

He was a happier man now that he was older. He wished he could turn back the clock and tell Little Freddie that everything would turn out okay. God knows, he had needed to hear it.

There was a soft knock at the door and Jim walked in, proudly sporting the hideous reindeer sweater Freddie had bought him as a gag gift. He approached his husband and gently wound his arms around that still pleasantly slender waist, resting his chin against Freddie’s shoulder. ‘Kenny just called. They got held up at the airport, but they’re almost here now.’

To say that it was difficult having their baby live so far away was an understatement. But that’s what you get when your son falls in love with an American and decides to uproot to the States. And Khaleel wasn’t a little boy anymore; he was thirty-one, a ballet master, married for seven years, and now had kids of his own. Seamus Farrokh, their rambunctious toddler, and Kashmira Ann, only four months.

It was crazy how much the world had changed in what felt like such a short amount of time. When Freddie was thirty, the very notion that a gay man could live openly with his partner and have their own biological children via surrogacy was laughable, some unobtainable fantasy one could only dream of. But it wasn’t 1976; it was 2021, and while society still had a long way to go (and Freddie himself was still unlearning his own deeply ingrained biases day by day,) being a queer boy in London wasn’t quite the death sentence it had once been. Seeing Khaleel so comfortable in his own skin, proud of his identity and unafraid of the naysayers, was all Freddie had ever wanted for him. One of his biggest parental fears was his poor boy experiencing the same hatred, self-loathing, judgement, and heartbreak he’d had to go through as a consequence of living his true self. But thank God, Khaleel had been born in the right decade.

‘Do you think I’ll be able to convince him to come back to England and live with us?’ Freddie chuckled, fiddling with his own ugly sweater, which had a goofy, googly-eyed polar bear on the front of it. ‘I know I’ve asked him that every year since he moved out, but fiftieth time’s a charm.’

‘If I remember correctly, he promised to shut his head in the oven if you asked him that one more time.’ Replied Jim, grinning at the memory. ‘By the way, he’s given me strict instructions to hide all the photo albums, so you don’t embarrass him in front of Dylan again by showing his baby pictures.’

‘I’m his father, it’s my job to embarrass him!’ Freddie finally fixed his collar and leaned back in Jim’s arms, watching them both through the glass.

He wasn’t sure why he felt so nervous. This was his own son after all, and it wasn’t as though he hadn’t seen Khaleel in a long time. They spoke nearly every day on the phone and on weekends, Phoebe would help Jim set up that Zoom thing on the computer so they could video chat and see the grandchildren. But Freddie could feel his stomach twisting uncomfortably, as if he was about to ride the world’s tallest rollercoaster.

Then he remembered the tiny square shaped box in his trouser pocket.

He told himself over and over that it was a bad idea. He and Jim were already married, perhaps not legally but definitely spiritually. They had been living like man and wife for over thirty years now; did they really need a piece of paper to prove their commitment to one another? 

But there was so much more to it than that, as Khaleel had pointed out when Freddie expressed his doubts over him marrying Dylan; everything from finances, to citizenships, to just being able to call the person you loved your spouse as any heterosexual couple would. And the more Freddie considered it, the less gratuitous the idea of gay marriage became to his old-fashioned brain.

Freddie had always been a spontaneous man. He did things on impulse, willing to go to whatever lengths necessary to get what he wanted, until he quickly grew bored and moved on to the next exciting venture. But this was different. He had been stewing over the idea for months now, seeking the advice of just about everybody he knew (the response from his friends was unanimous – ‘marry him!’ - with Brian adding, ‘it’s about bloody time!’ for good measure), until he finally gathered the courage to visit Cartier’s and, with Mary’s help, picked out a beautiful gold lace wedding band studded with diamonds.

It was Mary who suggested he propose on Christmas Day. Freddie could understand the romance of it, but there was still one nagging fear that kept him from dropping to his knee then and there in the bedroom.

What if Jim said no?

Tying the knot was something they had discussed before, in passing. Before it was legalised, it was a fun “what if” scenario they would play around with when they were drunk or cuddling together in bed at night, and Freddie had always been under the impression that he and Jim were of the same mind when it came to the prospect of marriage. Jim had always maintained that he was content with his lot, that he knew he loved Freddie and didn’t need to prove it with a certificate or a ceremony.

Freddie didn’t want to risk ruining his own Christmas by proposing and being swiftly rejected.

Jim, ever the observant fellow he was, picked up on Freddie’s anxiety and softly inquired, ‘are you alright, pet?’

It was now or never. Freddie knew that if he didn’t bite the bullet and just ask, he would keep beating round the bush until he went off the idea altogether. He turned around in Jim’s arms, staring intently into the gentle brown eyes he was still so desperately in love with. He opened his mouth to pop the question, but his tongue had other ideas.

‘Do you love me?’

He cursed himself internally, but Jim leaned forward and kissed him on the lips, somewhat soothing his rapidly beating heart.

‘Yes, I love you.’ His husband replied as he always did. ‘I’ll always love you, Freddie. Until the day I die, and in any life that might come afterwards.’

These words cemented Freddie’s decision. 

Without fully processing what he was doing, he sank down to one knee, hands trembling as he reached inside the pocket of his tracksuit bottoms and pulled out the little square box. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Jim’s face, lest he notice even a hint of apprehension or disappointment; he opened the box, shaking so hard he was certain he would drop it, revealing the gleaming gold band inside.

He opened his mouth to say those four words, but it was so dry, nothing came out. He knelt there, opening and shutting his mouth like a fucking fish, while Jim stood above him, red in the face, scarcely able to believe what was happening. After what had to have been a full minute of horrifically awkward silence, Freddie decided that this had indeed been a bad idea and began mumbling an apology as he went to stuff the stupid box back into his pocket out of sight.

‘Yes.’

Freddie froze in place, unsure if he had heard correctly. He dared to look up at Jim, whose expression was unreadable, yet Freddie could see there was a sparkle in his eye that seemed to speak louder than any words could.

‘Yes, I’ll marry you.’ Jim affirmed, sounding like he was about to cry, and suddenly he was also on his knees, amidst creaking bones, clutching both of Freddie’s hands. ‘Yes, yes, the answer is fucking yes.’

Freddie’s eyes filled up with tears so quickly, he didn’t have time to catch them before they fell. His hands tightened around Jim’s desperately, the box falling to the floor. ‘Do you mean it? You promise you want to marry me?’

‘Of course, you idiot!’ Jim barked out a laugh, his own tear tracks glistening beneath the light. ‘I just…fuck, Freddie, where’s this come from? I thought you weren’t interested in getting married. You always said you didn’t see the point.’

‘I know.’ Freddie might have been embarrassed by how his voice quivered when he spoke, were his heart not literally sitting in his mouth. ‘I know I did, darling, and I meant it at the time. But these past few months I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my mind. Watching Kenny so happy with Dylan, being able to call him his husband and have it mean something in the eyes of the law…I want that for us, Jim. I know we don’t have anything to prove but I want to marry you properly. I want us to have the campest, most outrageous wedding this world has ever seen, with all our family and friends watching. I want the boys to argue over who gets to walk me down the aisle. I want Seamus to be our ringbearer and little Kash to be our flower girl. I want to stand at the altar and say my vows, pledge my love to you in front of everybody. I want us to jet off for our honeymoon and spend two weeks doing nothing but drinking and fucking-’

‘Freddie!’ Jim exclaimed, roaring with laughter.

‘-I want all the things that I never thought were possible for people like me, Jim.’ Freddie paused, dropping his gaze to the floor. He stared at the old wedding band on his finger, heart swelling in his chest when he remembered how Jim had gifted it to him on the eve of his fortieth birthday. It was one of the most poignant moments of his life, realising that he was ready to commit to someone, to love and honour, in sickness and in health. Something that both exhilarated and terrified him at the same time.

Thirty-five years later, the ring remained on. Call him crazy, but he was aiming for thirty-five more.

He remembered the box and quickly picked it up from the floor, carefully pulling out the precious circle of gold and slipping it onto the ring finger on Jim’s left hand. A perfect fit.

‘I pinched your old ring the morning Mary and I went to the jewellers to make sure I got the right size.’ Freddie confessed. ‘I apologise for the deception, darling; I didn’t know you would panic so much when you realised it was missing.’

‘And here I was thinking I’d lost it and I would be sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life.’ Jim looked down at the new ring adorning his finger, holding his hand up to the light so the diamonds glittered like the sun reflecting off ocean waves. ‘It’s gorgeous, Freddie. Thank you.’

‘Only the best for my husband.’ Freddie took Jim’s hands again, unable to keep himself from extending his thumb out to gently stroke the ring. ‘God, I can’t wait to marry you.’

Before their lips could meet again, they heard Phoebe shout from downstairs.

‘They’re here!’

What followed was a few minutes of fumbling, nervous giggles as they wiped away tears and clumsily rose to their feet.

‘Just a pair of old queens, aren’t we?’ Freddie smoothed back his hair and checked the mirror again, hoping his red-rimmed eyes weren’t too evident. ‘How do I look?’

‘Like you’ve either been crying or shagging.’ Jim repeated his previous action of winding his arms around his husband’s waist, his embrace tighter than before. ‘Though I wouldn’t worry. I’m sure there will be plenty more tears when we break the news to Kenny. What do you think he’ll say?’

‘Same as Brian – it’s about bloody time!’

They kissed once more for luck, before joining their hands and heading for the bedroom door. 

Very soon, Garden Lodge would be alive with the sound of music and clinking glasses, laughter as Freddie inevitably brought out the photo albums Jim had believed were well hidden, and joyous applause as Khaleel demonstrated the latest routine he had choreographed for his ballet students. Seamus would bounce on Dylan’s knee and play with the cats by the hearth until his eyes grew heavy and he curled up on the sofa to spend the rest of the evening schooling Phoebe in Minecraft. And little Kashmira would blink up at her grandparents with large, curious eyes, occasionally treating them to a smile or even a laugh if she was in a good mood.

They would break the news of their engagement over dinner, Freddie decided, as they made the way down the stairs to greet their family at the door. His thumb reached out to gently stroke the ring on Jim’s finger again. Truly, this would be a Christmas like no other.

--

Merry Christmas, everyone 💜

[hatboyproject]

This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.

[lassieposting]

I'm mad at myself for asking this but 💘 skug/alt!Serpine

WHEEZES

U CONVERTED

send me 💘 + A SHIP and i’ll tell you—

where they first met and how

KOTW.

Then, after Skug refuses to kill Serpine at the end of SOW, China spitefully makes him responsible for Serpine's behaviour while he's living in Roarhaven. "Parole officer" isn't part of Skug's job description but honestly he doesn't trust anyone else to make sure Serpine doesn't slip the leash, so

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved

I mean, Serpine literally gets his dick out in their very first scene together, and he throws his towel over Val's head so it clearly wasn't for her benefit.

My headcanon is that he did have the hots for his own dimension's Skulduggery before he died. But Serpine has a very warped experience of emotions - he's not insane, and he's not a complete psychopath, but he has very low empathy, an obsessive personality, a considerable sadistic streak and a tendency to be jealous, narcissistic and manipulative. So his crush on Skug was more like an unhealthy fixation - hatred and lust and humiliation and the need to control, all tangled together.

On Skug's side...he has a few lines that read as flirty, in a D/S kind of way. But honestly I don't think this was deliberate. I get the impression he's actually imitating how Serpine spoke to him when he was the prisoner. Serpine's entire arc in SOW can be condensed down to "microdosing on what he put Skug through before killing him". He's surrounded by enemies who want him dead, he loses a body part, he's beaten up, he's humiliated, he's cut off from his magic - and he hates it. I get the vibe that this isn't lost on Skug, and he's repeating things Serpine once mockingly said to him just to rub it in.

who fell for who first ( if applicable )

Serpine.

I have him converting to the Church of the Faceless as a teenager, so he's spent his entire adult life surrounded by other selfish, scheming social climbers who'd sell him to Satan for a corn chip. His relationship history is chock full of psychopaths. He's used to betrayal and being used by his partners - such is life, as a bad guy.

So Skug protecting him during the Leibniz mission makes quite an impact. He even says himself that Skug has every reason to hate him and want to make him suffer - which is an attempt at empathy considerably deeper than anything we've seen from him before - but he's still shocked and devastated when Skug cuts his hand off. He genuinely expected Skug to decide to fight their way out rather than harm him. To me, that says he's come to rely on having Skug in his corner, which is a security net he is decidedly not used to having.

He doesn't necessarily express it very well? His feelings are complicated, and he doesn't understand most of them. A good part of him still hates Skug, just as a good part of Skug will always hate him. But his fixation on Skug shifts a bit - rather than obsessing over him as an enemy, he obsesses over him as an ally. He starts wanting Skug's approval and digging for praise, he gets sulky and jealous if Skug implies he doesn't trust him or goes to someone else for help or information instead, and he starts trying to insert himself into Skug's life.

Basically, he's gotten over that he spent the past 300 years as Skug's enemy, so Skug needs to be over it too. Right now. And it's unreasonable and unfair that he isn't over it.

where their first date was and what it was like

Skug is willing to acknowledge that if they were a couple, which they're not, because they're arch enemies, then maybe, if you really had to look at anything they do as "a date" then...perhaps the first time they went to the opera could in some way be considered their first date. But it wasn't. Because they're not together. He doesn't even like Serpine. Valkyrie just doesn't appreciate "yowling" and he had nobody else to go with because all his friends are dead.

Serpine will agree with this - but only because he knows that announcing that he lowkey considers their three day torture extravaganza to be their first date would go down like a lead balloon.

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? )

They never have a "going steady" discussion. It's just

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away

They're adamant that there's nothing to let anyone know about. They spend a lot of time together, and sometimes Serpine helps with cases, and they angry fuck sometimes, and Skug keeps a few shirts and a toothbrush at Serpine's apartment, but they're not a couple.

who’s more dominant

Skug. Serpine will die mad about it. He complains constantly about how much he gets manhandled during the Leibniz mission, how undignified it is to be cut off from his magic, how everyone tells him to shut up every time he tries to join in a conversation, he hates you all, remember that time he killed people you all cared about?

Unfortunately, Serpine is a massively subby bottom, so dom!Skug makes him deeply horny and even more angry about it. He's the epitome of "Stop looking at my fucking boner when we fight."

where their first kiss was and what it was like

It's New Year's. Serpine is out at a bar with some of his student neighbours because, why not. Skug is at the same bar, questioning the staff about a grizzly murder. The usual. Serpine goes over to say hello and make fun of him for Always Working and tell him he should chill out on occasion because isn't it your fucking birthday and you're still at work??? They're still talking when the countdown finishes and everyone around them starts kissing, which is a completely new concept to Serpine because that tradition wasn't part of the Leibniz dimension's New Year's festivities, so he just sort of panics because everyone else is doing it, grabs Skug by the front of his coat and goes for it.

Skug freezes, because who would know how to react when the man who killed you once tries to go to town on your fake face, and then gets his shit together and promptly arrests Serpine for assaulting a Sanctuary official, because he's petty and he can and Nef needs to learn some fucking boundaries.

They end up lowkey working on the case together through the bars of the temporary holding cell, and although neither of them would admit it, they actually have a good time. At the end of the night Skug relents, lets him out for "good behaviour" and gives him a lift home.

how into pda they are

Serpine is hugely into PDA. He likes a possessive, jealous partner, he's got a bit of an exhibitionistic streak, and ultimately he wants to be wanted enough to be fought over.

Unfortunately for him, Skug is not a PDA fan in the slightest. Serpine finds this bitterly disappointing.

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable )

A Roarhaven restaurant with a live jazz band. Serpine likes the food, Skug likes the music, and it's public - so neither of them feels wrongfooted and vulnerable in the other one's territory. Although, as Serpine likes to point out, it would be a bit difficult to torture and dismember a man in his student accommodation apartment. If he can hear Maddie-across-the-hall having muffled sex with her latest beau from the far side of his flat , he's pretty sure the entire building would hear Skug fighting his way out of whatever diabolical trap he seems to think has been set for him every time he comes over.

who’s more protective

Skug is more obviously protective - he protects Serpine almost the entire time in Leibniz, rows with China in defence of his freedom, and (however reluctantly) steps up to help him settle in Roarhaven. But Serpine is territorial, and he can be surprisingly proactive about it. If Skug comes home injured, he can always tell - no matter how much he tries to hide it - because he's seen Skug at his very worst, he knows what 'trying to mask pain' looks like in the set of that jaw and the grit in that voice. He doesn't like anyone else playing with his toys, so sometimes he'll get very angry and lash out at whoever damaged Skug in the first place.

(He also tends to hover at the clinic like a particularly irritating bad smell. He insists it's because he just finds Skug's pain amusing. He's not concerned. Not in the slightest. He doesn't care at all. No, he will not go home.)

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ )

They first hook up a few months after returning from Leibniz, but it's a half-dressed up-against-a-wall sort of thing and neither of them sticks around for pillow talk. They don't actually share a bed - as in, fall asleep together - until at least a year later. Technically, the first time they fall asleep together, they're on a stakeout and Serpine dozes off on Skug's shoulder, then wakes up with a cricked neck.

if they argue about anything

Literally everything, 90% of their interactions are arguing. Bickering and snark is the only way they know how to communicate.

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. )

Serpine loves leaving marks and doesn't mind getting them, either. He's territorial and has an exhibitionist streak, so he likes everyone knowing who he belongs to, and he's deeply thirsty over the idea of everyone knowing Skug belongs to him.

Unfortunately, Skug is not easy to leave marks on. Any hickies he gives the facade will disappear as soon as Skug turns it off. Some of his scars still show, though - the ones that scored his bones - so at least there's that.

who steals whose clothes and how often

They're not too different in size, so they could probably both get away with it, but everything Skug owns was tailored for him and Nef is narrower in the shoulders, so Skug's shirts don't look quite right on him. That doesn't stop him borrowing a couple to wear around the house, though. He has no stored wealth in this dimension, so he's wearing off the rack until he can get his feet under him again, and Skug's shirts are all obnoxiously fine fabric. It would be silly not to steal a few.

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? )

They're not that cuddly. They do have occasional moments of softness, but it's more likely to be, like. A shoulder bump. Fixing each other's shirt collar. Tending an injury with a minimum of mockery. They do a fair bit of this when no one's watching, though.

what their favourite nonsexual activity is

Bickering.

They also both like working cases. The Sanctuary won't officially hire Serpine because he is who he is, but when Skug hits a dead end in a case or has something that's really frustrating him, they'll go over it together. 400 years of enmity aside, their minds work in similar ways, and they're both very good at that sort of thing - if they hadn't met on opposite sides of the battlefield, they probably would have gotten along very well.

how long they stay mad at each other

They've never actually not been mad at each other. They're just all each other has left because all their friends are dead.

what their usual coffee / tea orders are

Initially, both black - maximum stimulants for Skug, maximum edginess for Serpine. But then he discovers Starbucks, and all the fancy things mortals are doing with coffee these days, and starts branching out into what Skug calls "frilly froufrou nonsense". After that his drinks are like 95% sugar and syrup.

if they ever split up and / or get back together

They never officially split up. This is mostly because neither of them will admit being together in the first place. They absolutely go through phases of being far more enemies than fuckbuddies, and they know how to push each other's buttons and hurt each other like no one else. This ship is comedic and incredibly toxic in turns.

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? )

They don't live together. Serpine has no idea where Skug lives, and Skug wants to keep it that way. Serpine's flat is technically student accommodation - he just needed somewhere the landlord was too young to remember him from the war - so when Skug crashes there it's usually cramped and noisy and there's a revolving door of neighbours knocking on to ask to borrow some milk/loo roll/"hey, you're old, help me with my history thesis?"/"Are you coming out tonight?"

All Serpine's neighbours think he's a sex worker - to them, he seems to have a different well-dressed sugar daddy staying over every week. They keep trying to set him up an OnlyFans. Skug finds all this very amusing.

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like

Christmas was banned in Leibniz (as a religious holiday of a banned religion) so Nef hasn't celebrated since he converted in his teens, but he gets into it, because it's an excuse for a party and nobody is policing him. Skug is his usual grinchy grouchy self. Nef also celebrates several holidays that Skug isn't familiar with that were commonplace in Leibniz, but are only observed by strict Faceless worshippers in Roarhaven.

what their names are in each other’s phones

Skug is an old man about his contacts, so Nef is just "Nefarian Serpine".

Serpine, on the other hand, has recently discovered emojis, so Skug is "💀🍆".

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first

Who falls asleep first varies; Serpine is a night owl and likes to go to bed in the early hours of the morning, but Skug has some really fucked up working hours, so a lot of the time he's awake long after even the night owls have gone to bed. But it's always Skug who wakes up first - Serpine is Absolutely Not a morning person. He fits right in with the students in his building who have to be coaxed from under the quilt by the smell of frying bacon.

Skug, because he enjoys the odd opportunity to be an asshole, will sometimes wake him with a cup of coffee, and sometimes by holding a flame up to the fire alarm. Variety is the spice of life, Nefarian, didn't anyone ever tell you that?

who’s the big spoon / little spoon

Cuddling is fairly new to Serpine. He's always enjoyed sex, but he has a solid tendency to jump into bed with the enemy - as shown by his laundry list of Resistance conquests - so he's never really gone for relationships where cuddling is a thing. He's more into the "forbidden passion" sort of dynamic.

Skug is a cuddler, but not so much in this particular relationship, for obvious and understandable reasons. Serpine does figure out though that he can burrow under Skug's arm while he's half-asleep or in a postcoital fugue state and Skug will just sort of let him, so he's probably the little spoon.

who hogs the bathroom

Both of them.

Serpine lives in a tiny one bed flat in a student building. His bathroom is miniscule. And when Skug stays over, they're both crammed in there first thing, Serpine trying to shave and do his hair and Skug elbowing him out of the way to cycle through facades until he finds one that's handsome enough to leave the house in. They bicker horrendously the entire time. It's a logistical nightmare.

who kills the spiders / takes them outside

Nef kills them. Not because he knows Skug's not a fan, but because he's not allowed to torment humans anymore, so. Last time he checked, killing spiders wasn't an arrestable offence, Skulduggery, stop looking at him like that.

[witchbitchheadedtoaditch]

Shadow Work Prompts

Objectively, I'm really bad at using shadow work prompts. I kind of hate them. That being said, I find I really get a lot of good introspection and such done when I respond to quotes or lyrics (likely because I'm a literature student), so I thought I'd share some of the ones I've got written down to work with!

From The Midnight Gospel

People really try to avoid the consideration that they're going to die and that people they love are going to die.

It opens your heart, it breaks your heart open. (Speaking about death)

Our hearts have been closed, because we've closed them. We've defended ourselves against pain. And this [death] opens them.

Opening your heart hurts.

If you inquire into the hurt, you know what you're experiencing is love.

[Death] is an incredible teacher.

The closer to physical death I get, the more real I get.

Love is supportive. It holds us. It has a quality of benevolence that we might have never noticed.

What is it that has the quality of benevolence? .... reality.

This experience of love energy is so powerful, that to combat against it, we build an entire life, an entire ego, to try not to feel it.

Ego death is a transfiguration.

Love isn't going anywhere.

The time of death is uncertain, but death is certain.

We suffer more if we resist the flow of the river.

There's no way to stop a heartbreak. How do you do that? You cry.

No matter where you go, things are always gonna be the same if you don't change.

Through love, all pain will turn to medicine.

From Steven Universe

Love takes time and love takes work.

If there's a chance I could make it better... shouldn't I try?

Are you insecure about your relationships and how you're perceived by other people?

Is it weird I'm getting numb to this?

If you're the one protecting me... then who's the one protecting you?

There are millions of possibilities for the future! But it's up to you to choose which becomes reality.

You are an experience. Make sure you're a good experience.

I never asked for it to be this way. I never asked to be made.

I am made of love, and it's stronger than you.

I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone.

Humans lead short, boring, insignificant lives, so we make up stories to feel like we're a part of something bigger.

Comedy is derived from fear.

You are going to be something extraordinary; you're going to be a human being.

Sylvia Plath Quotes

God, how I ricochet between certainties and doubts.

If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed

I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.

Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.

The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence.

I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery--air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, "This is what it is to be happy."

Let me live, love, and say it well in good sentences.

Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.

Is there no way out of the mind?

I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.

I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them.

We should meet in another life, we should meet in air, me and you.

I talk to God but the sky is empty.

I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it.

I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo

How we need another soul to cling to.

I have never found anybody who could stand to accept the daily demonstrative love I feel in me, and give back as good as I give.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free.

What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

Eternity bores me, I never wanted it.

I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me

How frail the human heart must be--a mirrored pool of thoughts

People or stars regard me sadly, I disappoint them.

Margaret Atwood Quotes

War is what happens when language fails.

Ignoring isn't the same as ignorance, you have to work at it.

Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth.

Better never means better for everyone... it always means worse, for some.

You are your own voyeur

I read for pleasure and that is the moment I learn the most.

A rat in a maze is free to go anywhere, as long as it stays inside the maze.

You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself.

A truth should exist, it should not be used like this. If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon?

If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged.

Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language and the last, and it always tells the truth.

The best way of keeping a secret is to pretend there isn't one.

I am not your justification for existence.

Hatred would have been easier. With hatred, I would have known what to do. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love.

But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling.

What am I living for and what I am dying for are the same question.

Sylvester McNutt III Quotes

The pain that came to you is not always a choice, but keeping it on you is. Stop the obsessive thinking related to it, and allow the pain to fade away.

The practice of staying present will heal you. Obsessing about how the future will turn out creates anxiety. Replaying broken scenarios from the past causes anger or sadness. Stay here, in the moment.

Remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn't matter, like your feelings are worthless, or like your soul is replaceable.

Everyone doesn't need access to you. Some people are draining and they don't even know it. You're allowed to say no, you're allowed to not answer calls, you're allowed to break plans, and if you need to save yourself do it.

Knowing me, I'll probably post more of this kind of stuff at some point :)

[skold]

alright time to roast chris’s astrological chart

let’s fuckin go

read more for length

sun in libra - your sun sign is basically your outward personality. ur sense of self. libra suns value fairness and balance and harmony over most other things. tend to put a lot of thought into the things they do. sincere, honest, decent. intolerant of general asshole behavior and those who treat others like shit. a STRONG sense of aesthetic and artistry, prone to becoming artists of some sort.

moon in aries - moon is more yr internal self. a lot of folks relate more to their moon sign bc it’s how we feel about ourselves. aries moons can be hotheaded and impulsive. they rush through things and hate uncertainty. can give off just really intense energy in general, but most fire moons do.

mercury in scorpio - mercury rules communication and interpersonal interaction and oooooh lord does scorpio in mercury want revenge. they’re emotional and unstable in their communication. tend to like art and mysticism and psychology. can see right the fuck through people. you cannot bullshit a scorpio mercury. 

venus in scorpio - venus is basically yr love language planet. rules love and sex and also generally what you find pleasurable in life. venus in scorpio people have intense sexual energy and are generally expressive of their sexuality. they’re often the “impossible to resist” type. they love desperately and deeply. good at getting others to do what they want. have a deep sense for other folks emotions and desires.

mars in aquarius - mars is the planet of action. it’s about energy and drive - any kind of drive, be it sex drive or ambition or goal setting or work ethic. mars in aquarius folks want to be fuckin weirdos. they’re the type of people who stand out both in appearance and their energy. care a lot about enacting societal change and fighting some sort of “system”, be it society or a repressive family or certain stereotypes.

jupiter in pisces - jupiter is about growth and expansion. how we self actualize. it’s also sometimes associated with luck and fortune. jupiter in pisces natives are super friendly. hospitable and charitable types. want to look after other people. super sensitive and intuitive. good at “reading the room” so to say. often distrustful and suspicious of the motivations of others.

saturn in sagittarius - big daddy saturn is an asshole. rules over restriction and order and also ones growth over time. saturn will hurt your feelings to teach you a goddamn lesson if you fuck around. these people tend to reject organized religion and form their own set of morals. they worry about problems too much to the point of inaction. they lack the sort of trust that others love and care for and value them, and will basically always go through life feeling unsupported and like they can only rely on themselves.

uranus in sagittarius - uranus is such a slow planet to orbit it doesn’t move sign alignments very often and remains in the same sign for years and influences an entire generation. rules individuality and revolution. uranus in sag folks crave progress and accomplishment. they see others as equals and fight against xenophobia and general bigotry. generally optimistic.

neptune in capricorn - neptune is also a super slow planet so it influences an entire generation. it rules spirituality and fantasy/imagination. this placement often means a strong determination to meet goals and they have a desire for perfection.

pluto in scorpio - the slowest of planets and the ruler of power and transformation. if you’re reading this you likely have this placement!! most millennials do. these natives have the ability to reinvent themselves. prolific and capable. often into the occult. use their sexuality as a source of personal power.

so that’s the planets, now here’s some other astrological points

north node in aries, south node in libra - the nodes are mathematical points opposite each other in the chart. south node indicates your comfort zone and north node indicates what somebody wants out of life and has to go out of said comfort zone for. these folks have a lot of internal conflict. they have trouble balancing things in their life and have basically zero concept of moderation. tend to bend over backwards for others and suck at setting boundaries.

lilith in gemini - lilith is a fictional point opposite the actual moon. in mythology, lilith refused to submit to adam, rejected the world of adam & eve and decided to go chill with satan instead. and if you ask me lilith did nothing wrong, but that’s a whole other post. lilith in gemini folks are constantly searching for their sense of self. they’re constantly changing and can feel like they don’t know themselves. they do not take things seriously because they feel other things and people can change as easily as they can, which is fundamentally untrue, but difficult for them to understand. make friends easily and like to meet people from other places. ymmv but some folks believe lilith placement can indicate what health issues someone may have, and gemini lilith people are believed to be particularly vulnerable to respiratory infections and injuries to the arms/hands.

chiron in gemini - chiron is an asteroid btwn saturn and uranus. in mythology, chiron was an immortal centaur who was a healer and a teacher. he was injured by a poisonous arrow by heracles and it should have killed him but due to his immortality, he was suffering in excruciating pain but couldn’t die. he gave his immortality for prometheus and upon being sent to the underworld, zeus showed mercy on him and raised him up into the heavens as a celestial body. chiron symbolizes unhealable trauma but can also indicate how one can accept their suffering and move forward. these people feel that they are constantly being misunderstood. they either feel that nobody listens to them, or that people misunderstand what they meant, or even that no one wants to understand them. but the more a chiron in gemini placement tries to correct this misunderstanding, the more it may hurt them.

now here’s some of his aspects, which is just how certain planets align in the chart and interact with each other. there’s gonna be specific astrology words here that i simply do not have the brain to explain right now, but it’s not important really, just there for the folks who do know astrology and want to know what some of his aspects are. i’m not going to include all of them cuz that’d take forever but here’s some notable ones

sun opposite moon - emotions and feelings of the moon are the opposites of the ego and individuality of the sun. this can occasionally cause conflicts, especially in relationships between close family members - parents and children or with significant others.

sun sextile uranus - brings conventionality and independence. creative dynamics and independent creativity. they like to work on projects that benefit their society. idealistic, progressive, intuitive, original. they have the need to be different and they want to show their uniqueness. 

moon trine uranus - need for considerable emotional independence and freedom. often lead unconventional lives and they do not like to yield to the will of others. feel separated from society. often experience stormy emotions and mood swings.

mercury conjunction uranus - good manners and mental balance. can express themselves well and are convincing. their views are also well balanced. their thinking is often so rational that they are not able to express their feelings too openly. 

mars sextile saturn - can work without getting tired. careful and consistent. excellent organizational skills. they like stability and security, and they do not like to take risks. can easily deal with challenges and obstacles.

mars square pluto - this aspect is challenging because these people are stubborn and determined, so they often hurt other people´s feelings with their sharp judgment and their decisiveness can often lead to big life changes

and anyway chris continues to be the person most loudly Their Chart out of all the folks whom i have ever read their charts.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Hi again! I come to you today with a question that may simply be a continuity error, but I'm still interested in your thoughts! In the main story, le Comte *knows* it was MC that came through the door behind him. Yet in Comte's "One Night, Beneath the Crescent Moon" POV story, he said he "...had no idea of what would happen next... That she would end up using the same door and end up stuck on the other side." What's your take on it? Thanks in advance! 💛

Hiya! First off I wanna apologize for how long it took to reply oTL I had originally drafted a response and then lost it when I accidentally closed the tab, and whenever that happens I always have to like sufficiently mourn the words I lost 😂😂😂

But to answer your question! If I’m entirely honest, I can’t remember what it was Comte said exactly in the Main Story in regards to her entering the door. There could be a lot of explanations for him saying he “knew”: continuity error, him wanting to put her at ease by seeming “in control” of the situation (while he’s screaming internally), or maybe even him wanting to cast some doubt as to whether or not he’s a person that can be trusted (aka the whole like “MC nooooooo don’t trust me I’m a vampire very bad very scary run away” kind of like Leonardo). 

All that being said, given the evidence we have and the stories I’ve read from his POV--esp that Crescent Moon one you referenced--I’m most inclined to believe that he had no idea she would follow him that day at the Louvre. If anything I really don’t think he ever anticipated any human person could follow him through the door? Because remember Sebastian (and the suitors for that matter) only manage because Comte is their escort. Sure their will to live on was strong enough that he could hear them, but they had no capacity to approach or find a door on their own as far as we currently know. The door was closed when MC found it; this suggests that Comte fully closed off that avenue to make sure nobody wayward stepped in by accident. He did the responsible thing and he left long before he could ascertain her safe journey through time, but she still managed to make it across somehow.

That’s why I think MC’s mere existence is earth-shattering to Comte. I mean we have all the good basics: a lovely lady, sweet and hard-working, means well and does her best. And these attributes all do matter, for sure. But the door is perhaps a greater catalyst in their romance than we might have first anticipated.

There will be some semi-hefty JPN rt spoilers below the cut for Dazai and Comte, so I’m just going to keep it under wraps just in case there are people who want to remained 100% unspoiled:

TW: Mentions of suicide in Dazai’s rt

The reason I say this is twofold, based on information provided by Dazai and Comte’s Main Story route. In Dazai’s route, remember that the focal point of the story is that Dazai wants to go back in time to kill himself as a baby so that he can never grow up to write his books or cause anyone pain in the near future--essentially, suicidal ideation to a frightening extreme. One of the main reasons that he fails (though MC plays a significant role in stopping him, too) is that Dazai’s will to kill himself is too weak. In simpler terms, this means that--no matter how much he insisted he wanted to die, the truth of his heart was revealed in his constant hesitating and difficulty going through with it. This is very often a reaction from people who need sizable psychological assistance to overcome trauma; they don’t usually want to die, it’s more that the pain of surviving their experiences is outweighing any possible joy they can find in living. 

But back to the most important part in bold. When Dazai asks about being able to use the door to travel through time, Charles confirms that it’s possible to travel without a pureblood escort. HOWEVER. This type of travel is very, very difficult unless you have an intense sense of willpower. I imagine the implication here is that you have to have an overwhelming desire and firmly believe it’s where you want to be in order for the travel attempt to succeed at all. (I don’t think the tethering point necessarily matters, but there is a suggestion that strong bonds between people--whether platonic or romantic--can serve as powerful guideposts when the door is distorted.) In other words, the reason Dazai relies on Charles’ moral bankruptcy is because Dazai knows he doesn’t feel strongly enough to go through with the suicide. He needs someone else who has the sheer determination and unbending will to see it through when the door opens. 

This is why Dazai is forced to ask Charles to accompany him, even though Charles doesn’t necessarily want to kill him. For Charles, this is less about a desperation to kill Dazai and more about his intense obsession-love for MC, and his willingness to do anything to receive her love/attention in return. In Charles’ view, since MC is ostensibly in love with Dazai, removing Dazai from the picture permanently is ideal. While Charles’ judgement is clouded and a little horrific, he is nonetheless rock steady in comparison to Dazai’s nonstop wavering. Dazai knows that he’s fickle on a personal level; one moment he wants to die, another he’s too afraid to let go of what he does care about or upset anyone. He’s at a point where he doesn’t know what’s right or true anymore and he’s floundering, which is honestly fairly common among those who share his lamentable condition. (Most people don’t have a death wish--it’s more a combination of circumstantial problems and healing that has remained in stasis that constitutes the extremity of that behavior.)

Moving right along, Comte’s route also features a similar testament to willpower, believe it or not. This happens in the last few chapters of the main story. Basically, Shakespeare dumps MC on Vlad’s doorstep and she’s more or less suffering the latter’s monologuing for a good while. Not long after that Comte appears and nearly shoots Vlad in the head, the bullet just grazing his cheek. Comte demands that he let MC go, and Vlad--in a classic sadistic act of compliance--wrenches open the door and just tosses MC into the freefall of distorted spacetime.

Now this is dangerous to MC’s life in and of itself, but there’s a key element there: distorted spacetime. In this main story the door never returns to its normal state after that first month period. Rather, the expanse of the door is too dangerous to be traveled even by a pureblood, let alone a human being. The chances MC will ever be able to escape in order to survive are closer to zero than any other number. Remember that Comte is immortal. If he gets stuck on his own, he can’t die and the damage to his body is always more than able to heal when he’s back to safety. (He even warns Leonardo in Leo’s MS that the danger of getting stuck in some kind of pocket in spacetime is still too significant to be ignored, though I can’t be sure if that’s due to Leonardo’s inexperience with time travel/requirement for an escort, or just an inevitable risk you juggle anytime you travel through the door.)

Of course Comte leaps in after her to try to save her, but presumably their entry point is long gone now (Vlad shut the door), so they’re just kind of floating in amorphous time. They do and don’t exist. Comte is understandably distraught because MC’s life hangs in the balance; if they don’t find a way out, she is almost certainly going to die. Comte admits that--while he hates the fact that his very existence is a danger to her, he still doesn’t regret finding her by any extension. MC protests, naturally, that there’s nothing to regret. Circumstances be what they may, she loves him. 

Now, here is the key. While Comte is trying to think of a way out, MC is thinking hard about wanting to return to the mansion. Her mind reflects an acute, intense desire to return home to the place where they both belong. And wouldn’t you know it? They both suddenly tumble out of the door in the mansion and onto the carpeted floor, whole and alive, sputtering in disbelief. Comte is baffled at first but it can only give way to immense relief that she’s safe, and he just immediately breaks down.

The only reason the two make it out unscathed is because of--I can only assume--MC’s overwhelming will to live on with Comte and return to the mansion. While it would have been natural for her to be overcome by fear to the point where she could make no productive decision, or even humor the concept of focusing on their home, she does it all the same with immediate success. That’s also part of why I think Comte just 100% caves into both of their feelings in the next chapter. He saw firsthand that, not only does MC keep a level head under duress, but she also has the overpowering will necessary to survive amongst vampires. And it was perhaps this unshakeable will in the first place that landed her in the late 19th century all those weeks ago.

It’s interesting because, honestly? Her entry through the door is more or less a hinge point for their romance. While it obviously isn’t the only reason he cares about her, it definitely is one of the bigger reasons he even feels safe enough to court her in earnest in the aftermath. It is literally only after this event that he confesses everything. Why he created the mansion and the men. How he’s really felt about her and himself all this time. What Vlad showed her and the implications of Vlad’s existence. And finally the truth about what he wants. He wants a relationship with her, but he keeps being held back by the fear that he’s too much. That the demand of being by his side will outweigh any happiness she might find choosing him. (Granted MC and I find that preposterous given how attentive and considerate he is, but you know). But after seeing her pull off surviving Vlad and traveling through the door by her own willpower again? I think it sufficiently lessens his doubts as to whether she could handle a future with him. It gives him the courage to just ask her: Do you want a future with me? Can you handle the demands of a vampire that cannot accept a mere human lifetime to be in love? 

And so this is why I have unceasing Comte brainworms ladies and gentlethem. I need to go lie down before I start crying again, I love him oTL

[ifartsparkswithkaty]

Cows are not sexually abused, and if you knew anything about working around large animals you would know that. A cow in heat doesn't care whether it is artificially inseminated, which is really obvious if you've ever seen it done (or met a cat in heat, they're the same way - hornier than you or I could possibly imagine.) Bulls are extremely violent and will often injure cows by mating with them aggressively and repeatedly, even if they don't want it or try to get away, which is why farmers use artificial insemination - it is actually significantly more expensive than using bulls, but much safer and gentler for the animals. Calves are also only taken away from their mothers for safety reasons with some breeds - a friend of mine working on a dairy had a cow calve in the middle of the night and they didn't notice right away, by the time they found it she had trampled the baby and it was so injured it had to be euthanized. It's not the only story I've heard like that either. Beef breeds are good moms and their babies stay with them after birth. Cattle of both sexes and all breeds are slaughtered at one year at the earliest, unless they have some kind of incurable health problem that's a welfare issue, and in beef slaughterhouses the animals can't see each other when they are killed, so they have no idea it's coming and don't have time to panic. The slaughtering method used in modern slaughterhouses is amazingly fast, it's like a light switch getting flipped off, not at all like the awful videos from years past that you see. It's hard to imagine it being more fast or humane. I don't have personal experience with pigs because my family all warned me never to work on pig farms because they are so horrific. I know from family who have worked in chicken houses that chickens are kept in very poor conditions. As someone who really cares about animals it bothers me to see misinformation spread, because it leads to a place where people assume that because there is so much misinformation about cattle, then the horror stories about chicken houses and pig farms must also be fake. I would really like for pigs and chickens to get the same consideration and care that cows do, and I think we should work toward that - my family raised our own pigs and chickens when I was a kid, and we always treated them as well as our cats and dogs, despite them being raised for meat, so I know it's possible. Hopefully in the future laws can be passed protecting these animals from abuse.

Yes, I also hope that laws continue being passed to protect animals from abuse. I’m glad you said that you really care about animals. Having said that, I’m a little worried about everything else you mentioned. Your family treated your pigs and chickens as well as they treated your cats and dogs? Did you also kill your cats and dogs for meat later? If not, why not? You treated them the same and cared for them the same except for the part where you killed the pigs for food but kept the dogs around for cuddles? In some parts of Asia dogs are killed for food - how do you feel about that? Do you feel dogs and pigs should be treated exactly the same except for the part where you kill one for food but not the other? Why?

Let’s address the point of the misinformation about cattle next. You started off by saying that cows aren’t sexual abused but then went on to say that well when they’re horny they don’t care what happens to then. Yeah, fuck off. Every sentient being should have the right to their own body and should have the right to consent to what happens to them. Even if you disagree with that (shame on you for thinking of other sentient beings who can feel pain and trauma can/should be impregnated without their consent), here is an article reporting violence and non-impregnation relation sexual assault on cows in factory farms. It also has video footage if you’d prefer. These are animals capable of feeling psychological trauma, so don’t fucking dare tell me that being impregnated without their consent isn’t going to be traumatic. And don’t try to bullshit me with the ‘its safer and gentler for animals thats why we do it’ because honestly an industry which kills male calves as soon as their born or tortures them after birth so they can be sold off as veal doesn’t give a shit about being ‘safe and gentle’ with their animals. Sure, you might have wanted your own small number of cows to be as healthy as they can be before you murder them - but don’t expect factory farmed animals to be treated like anthing other than an object.

And let’s talk about the murdering part, shall we? You said: “Cattle of both sexes and all breeds are slaughtered at one year at the earliest”. Do you know what the natural lifespan of a cow is? Well take a look at this:

Don’t you fucking dare come here and tell me that ^this is ethical in any way. The analogous age for a human (who would otherwise live for 80 years) to be slaughtered would be 6 years. Killing a cow at 18 months for meat is analogous to killing a 6 year old human child in terms of how much they’ve lived and experienced of life.

The next thing you say is that “in beef slaughterhouses the animals can't see each other when they are killed, so they have no idea it's coming and don't have time to panic”. Let me counter that by showing you some real life examples. A warning for anyone clicking these links - it has videos from the inside of slaughterhouses where animals are panicking because they know they’re about to die. The animals are risking their lives to try and escape.

By the way, if you don’t believe me or don’t bother watching the videos - you can read this confession of a former slaughterhouse worked posted on the BBC. Not only does it confirm what’s shown in the videos that animals do see others being killed and they do panic and that it’s all very barbaric, it also talks about why slaughterhouses are horrible for the humans who works there. It’s literally awful for everyone involved.

The next thing you say is “The slaughtering method used in modern slaughterhouses is amazingly fast, it's like a light switch getting flipped off, not at all like the awful videos from years past that you see. It's hard to imagine it being more fast or humane.” Did you ever have to euthanise your cats or dogs? Did you take them to a slaughterhouse or did you take them to a vet? Why wouldn’t you want your cat or your dog to be euthanised in a slaughterhouse? After al, you did literally say “It's hard to imagine it being more fast or humane” and wouldn’t you want the most humane possible way of saying goodbye to your beloved pet? Literally no one would even think about taking their pet to the slaughterhouse to be euthanised because everyone knows it’s not fucking humane.

As for the modern methods for slaughterhouses? Let’s take a look at these modern method. Here’s an excerpt: “The simplest mechanism consists of electrodes or probes built in the form of tongs with insulated handles and applied between the ear and eye of the animal for 1–4 secs.” You can read more about that here. How fucking dare you call having metal tongs inserted in your brain and being electrocuted ‘humane’? Just because it’s “fast” doesn’t mean it’s not painless. If you want to have your dog euthanised and you see the vet inserting metal tongs in between your dog’s eyes and ears you’d fucking start screaming animal abuse and just ask another vet for an injection. So don’t you fucking dare come over here and say ‘oh modern methods are very fast and efficient so theyre very humane’ when theyre just fucking barbaric.

Now, if you do really care about animals then put your money where your mouth is and join the movement to end animal abuse. This means not killing them. This means not gassing them or electrocuting them. This means not stealing their babies and killing them because it’s cheaper than rearing them. If you care about animals then protest against their exploitation. They’re sentient creatures capable of feeling pain and trauma, so protest against the industries who keep them in traumatic conditions and inflict pain upon them. If you care about someone then you don’t kill them when they clearly don’t want to be killed. There’s no ethical way to kill someone who doesn’t want to die.

If after reading all this you still disagree with me, then kindly fuck off. I don’t want you here in my inbox trying to defend animal cruelty. And I don’t appreciate you sending me an ask that forces me to go look up instances of animals cruelty so I can back up the points I’m trying to make. You’ve successfully ruined my day, and I don’t want any more asks that defend the instituitionalised torture of helpless animals.

[tangled-encanto]

Périgo family

Pretty long tbh

I mostly just wanted a messed up version of the miracle and this happened

Alejandro

So when Alma was given the miracle, there was another family who was given a curse. It works similar to the Encanto, but in a more twisted way

Like, the powers were twisted, and the people who have them

But in the other family, they still get their powers at age 5

The Patriarch (the original cursed man), named Alejandro (78), has a burn mark on the left side of his face

His families magic manifests itself as purple and black instead of gold and white

He still wants revenge on the Madrigal family. He feels the best way is to steal their magic. He also believes that stealing their magic would save his family from their curse

Alejandro’s kids would discourage their kids from touching their door. But wether from curiosity or from rebellion, or the castle, the kids would always touch their door. It was always a sad day

Clara is his granddaughter. She’s slightly older than Isa and Dolores (24)

They didn’t get a nice warm and loving casita. Instead they got cold castle

Alejandro sends Clara to find the encanto to get their powers

Alejandro special symbol: wings

Lol cursed powers time

Clara

Her gift is that she can speak with the dead. She doesn’t do it often though because she experiences some form of anxiety afterwars

Special symbol: crossbones

When she finds the encanto, she realizes that she doesn’t want to hurt them, but she can’t face her family so she decides to stay

Victor

He’s Clara’s 19 year old little brother. His gift is puppeteer

Special symbol: hands

He can control people and animals. It’s quite horrifying

Though he feels a lot of emotional anguish every time he does it. When he controls someone, he feels their worst pain ever experienced

He did it on Alejandro once. Never did it again

He initially comes to the encanto to see why his sister hasn’t returned, only to find her buddy buddy with the madrigals

He can’t control the Madrigals (except Camilo once, but we’ll get back to that)

He finds and steals Clara’s map, and leaves the encanto with it

He does have redemption arc, but it takes longer than Clara’s

Carlos

Clara’s 15 year old cousin. His power is “9 lives”

Special symbol: 9

He’s not actually evil, but because he’s “half immortal” he does have an existential crisis, but it leads to a love of philosophy

Every life he looses he becomes less emotionally expressive and empathetic

He hopes Alejandro dies soon so he can be friends with the Madrigals

He’s already lost one life

Pablo

Clara’s 14 year old cousin. His gift is manipulation

Special symbol: swirls

Not mental manipulation, but rather other aspects. He can switch his families (and presumably the Madrigal’s) powers

He can switch peoples bodies too

So you know, astral manipulation (I guess)

He’s the only one in his family who doesn’t have a downside to his power

Even though he doesn’t have a downside, he’s still considerably evil because he believes in the legacy his grandfather is trying the make for the Périgo’s

But it’s a similar complex to what Isabela had because he wants to make his grandfather proud (and maybe take over the family when he dies)

Sofia

Clara’s 5 year old cousin. Her gift is plague

Special symbol: heart

She was super hesitant to get her door, knowing how much her family despised their powers, but she did it

Mostly because Alejandro believes that their powers will one day take down the Madrigals

When Sofia gives someone a plague or illness, she experiences all the pains the I’ll person dies without any of the health issues they’re experiencing

When the infected is about to die, the pain gets really bad, and doesn’t disappear until either they die, or she revokes the illness

Or at least that’s what they think. She’s never killed anyone. She’s 5

Catalina

Clara’s 52 year old mother. Her power is illusion

Special symbol: eye

The downside to her power is that sometimes she wakes up to an illusion, but doesn’t realize it until someone touches her

Touch became really important to her because of this

Jamie and Diego are very receptive to this, and they helped her with this

Her father never really cared though

This grew to some resentment towards her father. She still loves him, she just doesn’t care as much about his legacy or whatever

That’s why she encourages Clara to do the right thing when she finds the encanto

Her loving husband, Paulo (50), is a very touchy person, and she enjoys being with him

Jaime

Clara’s 50 year old uncle. His power is warning

Special symbol: cloud

This makes it hard to be stealthy, or underhanded and anyone with extreme empathy or a superstitious nature would be able to tell that he was up to no good

He does however get warnings as well, and it’s saved his life a few times

Alejandro sent Clara to go find encanto instead, but Jaime wanted to be the one to find it and free his family

Jaime is very loyal to his father and the legacy he wants to hold

He’s meant to take over the family and the curse when Alejandro dies

He’s married to Ana (49)

Diego

Clara’s 48 year old uncle. His power is awareness

Special symbol: bells

Whenever something significant to him happens, he knows about it

Be for cause for celebration, or grief, he knows

The downside is he feels the emotions 10 fold what a normal person would

He knew about Mirabel not receiving a gift, he knew about when the rest of the Madrigals got their gifts, he knew when his mother died

He has a thing with lanterns. Every year, on the anniversary of his mothers death, he sets up a lantern by a small memorial

Lad cries a lot

He was never married. Mostly just because he never found the one. He’s not opposed to getting married some day though

Pansexual

Diego and Jaime’s gifts are different because Jaime learns about things that are going to happen to him, and other people know what he’s going to do, and Diego knows about things important to him the moment they happen, even if he’s not actually there

Amelia

She was Alejandro’s wife. She didn’t really have a power, though some said it was good luck

Special symbol: clover

She really liked lanterns

She was very caring

She died to a disease soon after Pablo got his power

Some say that she might be why Sofia’s gift is plague

Died at age 65