#that is THE purest thing ive ever seen

[infizero]

also having now actually seen the whole thing adventure time has skyrocketed into one of my favorite shows ever. like for real i liked it as a kid and have always had a fondness for it ever since but rewatching it now has made me realize Just how fucking good it is and how unlike anything else it is. its so good and appeals to ME specifically in so many ways please for the love of god if you haven't watched adventure time WATCH IT. WATCH IT RIGHT NOW

[butididntpourthewhiskeys]

🤍 SAFETY II 🤍

Two kisses are being placed on her shoulder, right on top of the soft fabric of her shirt, slowly wandering down to the sleeve and finally landing right on the warm skin of her naked arm. She can smell his aftershave already, way before having opened her eyes. She loves to smell him when she wakes up, loves to feel with all of her senses that he’s right there, right with her. His scruffy face presses a few more gentle kisses onto her arm and she can hear him whispering his good mornings onto her skin. His big hand is securely placed around her torso, right on top of the white hotel bed sheets. She groans slowly, her head pounding like she was hit by a truck. For a split second she feels unable to remember what is going on? Why does her head hurt like this? Why is she so nauseous? Why is there an IV drip attached to her hand? Suddenly, these dark thoughts cross her mind again. He told her last night. He told her what happened. 

Even though she feels as weak as she barely has before, Taylor forces herself to open her eyes once. She needs to wake up. She needs to wake up to speak to Tree, to solve this situation, to make sure no one has witnessed her in her unconscious state. With half open eyes, Taylor moves quickly, almost panicky and looks down confusedly to the man in bed next to her. He’s fully dressed, freshly showered, just casually lying on his stomach right next to her. His arm still wrapped around her body, his thumb stroking gently over the fabric of her blanket. He can’t help smile at her gently. Her hair is curly and quite literally everywhere. She’s got the same grumpy look on her face as per usual when he has to wakes her up. She’s never liked getting up. No matter what time of the day it is. 

“Hi.” she mumbles, her voice rusky and still full of sleep. It makes Travis smile quietly. 

“Hi beautiful.” he says, moves closer to her to press a gentle kiss onto her lips. She barely moves her face and he’s unsure if she’s too tired still or uncomfortable kissing him without having brushed her teeth yet. He couldn’t care less about these things, but he knows she does. 

“How are you feeling?” he asks then, moving his face closer to her cheek again to leave a kiss there. 

“Horrible.” she groans, closing her eyes again for a moment. She’s been awake for less than five minutes and already feels exhausted. She takes a deep breath, hoping it will cure her upset stomach or the head that feels like exploding. But it doesn’t help. Of course it doesn’t. 

“Headache?” he asks gently, reaching for her hand to intertwine with his. She’s got her eyes closed again, just nods quietly. And Travis hates it. He hates seeing his girl as sick and weak as she is now. In the past year of loving this woman, he’s not seen her like this at all. Taylor is full of energy and life. Probably has more energy than most people he knows. But seeing her like this, and knowing that another person is the reason for it, makes his blood boil in an unruly way. He knows he most likely broke this guy’s nose last night. But if he could, without consequences, there’d be far worse things he’d do to him.

His thumb is drawing gentle circles on her hand and he doesn’t rush her waking up again. Instead, he just stays right there next to her, watching her drift off again slowly. And it’s quiet between them again. The kind of quiet he’s never been able to enjoy with anyone else. But with her, it’s different. With her, silence doesn’t have to be a form of insecurity. There’s pure clarity between them. Nothing but love, support, honesty. He loves sitting in silence with her, because it reminds him that besides all the earthly things he loves about her… at the end of the day she’s just the purest little soul he’s ever been privileged to know.

“I need to get up.” she whispers weakly then, her voice whiny. He just shakes his head no, getting closer to her hand he’s holding in his and presses another kiss on top of it. 

“We’ve still got a couple of hours until the flight. I just wanted to wake you cause I knew it’ll take a while for you to be alright. Don’t stress about it, baby.” he says, but Taylor just takes another deep breath and carefully tries to sit up. She notices that her hand is still connected to the IV stand next to the bed. Still in disbelief about the events of last night, Taylor just sits up, leaning against the backrest of the hotel bed. She feels dizzy, nauseous. And she can’t believe Travis has to see her like this. She must look absolutely horrendous, that she’s sure of.

“I can call and get someone to remove the IV. The guy last night said it’s a quick job.” 

She nods, rubbing her tired eyes. 

“Thanks. I.. I really need to go to the bathroom. Can you help me?” 

Even before she finished her sentence, Travis has gotten up from his spot next to her in bed. He helps Taylor come to a secure stand, then helps her make her way to the bathroom on the other side of the hotel suite. One hand securely on the IV stand with the small wheels attached to it, the other one holding hers. She’s extremely weak. Just holding onto him with all the strength left in her. He hates seeing her like this, hates to know that he was there when this happened. He was there, but he wasn’t able to protect her. 

“Want me to..” 

She turns around, shakes her head no. 

“I can do it on my own. Some privacy please.”

“You sure?”

“Trav..” she mumbles with slight annoyance in her voice and he chuckles quietly, then respects her wishes and closes the bathroom door behind her. 

~

“Alright sweetie, this is what I got you.” he excitedly places the secured goods on the table at the end of the room. “I got you a full sugar coke with some ice, we’ve got healthy fats in the form of a crispy salmon taco, I got you some chili cheese nuggets, we’ve got some fries and some Gatorade, of course.” the tall man proudly stands there, holding the brown fast food bags up in the air after having just returned from his lunch food run. Taylor, who just got out of the shower, just walks past him and sits down on the side of the bed with her hair dripping wet and her body covered by nothing but the big white towel. 

“Babe, this is very sweet but I literally just threw up an hour ago. I can’t eat.”

“I know, but you heard what the doctor said. You need to eat to actually feel better. Just try some of it, you don’t have to eat it all.” he mumbles while unpacking the food bag. She doesn’t answer him and it forces him to look back at her in confusion. He doesn’t like what he sees. She just sits there on the side of the bed, her chest rising up and down.

“Hey, you okay?” he asks worriedly, dropping everything around him to sit down next to her. Just like a reflex, his arm is now wrapped around her wet towel, the other one resting on her naked thigh. 

“I.. I think the hot shower was.. just a lot.” she mumbles, her face pale and still breathing heavily. He sighs, feels his throat tightening again. He doesn’t say anything, just moves closer to her. Within a second he feels her head leaning on his shoulder and her small hand finding its natural position on his chest. She just melts into his arms and he appreciates being her harbor in this moment. His head turns around towards her and he presses a few kisses onto her wet but amazingly well smelling hair. His big hand moving up and down her naked arm. She doesn’t move, clearly needs a few minutes to recover from taking a shower and washing her hair. His lips won’t leave her head and he feels himself getting emotional again. This woman in his arms is not just his best friend and greatest life companion he’s ever known. This woman in his arms is his future wife, the future mother of his children, the person he wants to grow old with, the only person on this planet he would sit in the trenches with. He wants to die at ninety years old, right in her arms, while looking into those eyes one last time. He knows worse things can happen. He knows she’s been lucky because she’s got people looking out for her. He knows she’s been lucky because she got the medical help she needed right away. Still, this nagging, stinging, horrible feeling of fear and guilt at the same time won’t leave his chest. He wants to be strong for her. He promised himself and her that he would be. But right now in this moment, holding her wet and weak body in his arms almost brings him to his breaking point. He’s always cried too fast and too much, and it’s something that everyone in his life is well aware of. He’s never felt the need to hide it but in moments like these, he wishes he could stay as level-headed and strong as she needs him to be right now. 

His lips continue to press gentle kisses onto her scalp underneath her wet and curly hair. She doesn’t move, just closes her eyes for a moment. How is it possible that whatever drug she was put under keeps making her feel so tired? After a few moments, she then slowly pulls back, looking up at him again. She notices immediately. This giant teddy bear is smiling his biggest smile at her but his eyes are red and watery. She can tell right away he’s been crying.

“Oh baby..” 

“Don’t.” he immediately says, already sinking his head, not wanting her to see him like this. “I’m fine. Just a cry baby, you already know.” he jokes but she’s not having any of it. Her cold hands wander to his stubbly beard. She just holds his face in her hands for a moment, then gets closer to him as he is quicker than her, already steels her forehead another butterfly kiss. A tear runs down his cheek, and it breaks her heart. 

“What’s going on?” she whispers, her hand now securely on top of his sweatpants on his thigh. He takes a deep but shaky breath, shakes his head. 

“Nothing.” 

“Talk to me.” she says with a level of gentleness in her voice that always gets him. He swallows, looking into her eyes again. He’s still crying, but he’s trying to swallow it down. 

“I just.. I love you.” he says, and by the look on his face she knows he’s never meant anything as much as he means these words. His chin is trembling and it does something to her heart.

“And I’m real sorry for last night, baby. I.. I know I sound like a broken record by now, but this shouldn’t have happened last night and..” 

“Trav.” she just says, a big sigh escaping her mouth. “Listen to me.”

Taylor reaches for both of his cheeks once more and lifts herself up to press a big kiss onto his mouth. She can taste the salt of the tears running down his cheek and it moves her. She hates that this beautiful person is crying for her, but it touches her on another level to understand just how loved she is. She always knew that Travis loves her. She knew it from the first day they hung out, right over a year ago. His feelings for her was never anything that was up for debate. But witnessing how badly he wants her to be happy and healthy and well is another form of declaring his love for her that she hadn’t been privy to witness before. She can’t help but smile to herself. This is the kind of love she’s always wanted. This is exactly what she’s always wanted.

“I know this should’ve never happened. But.. I’m okay. I’m okay because you were there. You.. you literally saved my life, Trav. You.. you carried me to my hotel room, you called a doctor for me, you gave me aspirin when I was pretty much unconscious. I still have no idea how you did that.” she giggles slightly and it makes him smile beneath his tears, too. 

“You held my hair when I was throwing up this morning. You just got me disgustingly smelly food in an attempt to make me feel better.” she takes a pause, not sure how else to convince him that none of this was his fault. It never could be. He just gets closer to her again, kissing her forehead once more. 

“You’re just… magical. You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

“Boyfriend?” he says offended suddenly, and she laughs, rolling her eyes while wiping away one last set of tears running down his cheek. 

“Fiancé, excuse me. Future husband.” 

“That’s better.” he jokes, pulling her closer again. 

“It hurts me that you’re so sad.” she adds then, and he shakes his head. 

“I’m not sad, baby. I just.. I hate seeing you not being okay.” 

“Trav, I am okay.” 

“You’re not. You can barely shower without collapsing, you can’t eat, you’re tired and….” 

“Baby.” she says, a laugh escaping her mouth. “I’m fine. I’m not made of glass. I get sick, I get tired. But I’ll be okay. Don’t worry.” 

He nods, suddenly feels a hint of embarrassed for worrying so much. She’s strong, extremely strong and he never wants to make her feel any less than that. His head is sunk, and he sniffles once more, just nodding. She smiles gently at him, her hand stroking gently through his hair once and then presses a kiss onto his big head. 

“There’s gonna be so many times you’ll have to witness me being sick. And I’ll have to witness you being sick. It won’t be fun. But I don’t want us to.. to turn this into a thing, okay? I’ve had a relationship before where our happiness as a couple was dependant on saving each other and you know how well that ended.” 

Travis looks into her eyes and nods. She’s absolutely right. He can be there for her, he can take care of her. But he won’t be able to protect her from the world. Even though he would love nothing more than having this power. 

“Once I’m pregnant, I’ll suffer so much and you will have to endure all of it.” she says then, a twinkle in her eyes that makes him smile again. “Between Abigail and me, I was always the more cranky one when I was sick. She literally is the most pain-tolerating person I know and she told me countless times that she’s felt like dying in the first trimester. So you’ve got lots to look forward to, mister.” she jokes, another little laugh escaping her throat. He smiles at the thought, nods, lets both their noses touch and then kisses her again. But this time, really. He slowly pulls back after a few seconds, leans his forehead against hers. 

“I can’t wait for that.” he whispers against her lips, both his eyes closed, smiling. 

“Me too.” she says, moves her nose once more to tickle his. This is the first time in her life that she gets to talk about these things in a way she always dreamed of. It’s not an if anymore. It’s a plan. it’s their plan. And she can’t wait to do it all with him. All of the things she used to be so terrified of. She’s ready to do it all with him. Finally, she’s ready. 

“I’ll probably cry every time I throw up. And you’ll have to deal with it.” she giggles at him. 

“I’ll cry with you.” he says then and it makes her laugh even more.

“Trav.” she gently hits him. “I need you to be pragmatic and logical when I’ll loose my mind over my hormones. Would be awesome to have at least one person in this house who can think straight.” she jokes and he nods. 

“How much more time do I get to prepare? A year?” 

She grins at him, nodding. 

“You know the deal. No trying for a baby before the wedding. I need good pictures.” 

“Alright. But we can keep practicing. Practice makes perfect, I know what I’m talking about.” he jokes, kissing her cheek once more. And he loves to feel her small hand land on his neck. The thought of their future together is making her as happy as it makes him. He can’t wait to take these steps with her. He can’t wait to just live his life alongside this beautiful person. 

“Trav?” she looks at him again, her hand tickling his chin gently. 

“Mhm?” 

“I love you, too. Let’s.. let’s just forget last night ever happened, okay?” 

He looks at her, his face a bit more serious than before. He hates that she feels the need to just suppress what happened. And really, this is the last thing he expected her to do. He expected tears, he expected long conversations with Tree and her security team. Not this. 

“I’m not sure babe. I’ll try.” 

“Good.” she kisses him once more, then slowly gets up to dry her hair.

~

Travis looks out of the big black car window with the tinted glass. It’s always a surreal feeling to drive across the runway of a commercial airport, especially here in Las Vegas. A few palm trees are still marking the outline of this gigantic airport. The afternoon heat making it hard to see clearly back to the airport halls, the huge building almost almost blurry by the guzzling heat. You never know how gigantic these airplanes really are until you sit in a regular sized car, right in front of one. Travis looks to his right, can see the blonde curly haired woman in her huge sweater, not sure if she’s cold from the AC in the car or whether her tiredness is the reason she had to wear a hoodie at this Nevada heat. 

“I don’t think there’s any paps, babe.” he mumbles then, looking out of the window to ensure himself once more that he’s right. 

“Yeah, but I still want them to shield me with the umbrella. I look horrific.” she mumbles, her voice still a little rusty. It’s inevitable to see that she’s been through it. She doesn’t even look at him in this moment, is just frantically texting on her phone. Her small Gucci handbag half open on her lap and the other bag with her laptop and cosmetics right between them. Traveling with Tay is something that amuses him every time. She’s always got at least two purses with her, a bunch of suitcases (and of course, she never knows which one carries what), there’s always at least two phones flying around the airplane and it’s never been the case that she didn’t forget something on the plane after. He loves this creative, chaotic but loving woman, even though her lack of travel organization is something that might actually drive him insane one day.

“You look great, what are you talking about.” he just counters her and for the first time since minutes, she looks up from her phone and smiles at him. He loves having that effect on her. He loves how she’s not wearing any make up, loves that she’s more comfortable around him than anyone else in her life. 

“I love when your natural curls come through.” 

His comment hits her right in the heart. 

“I don’t.” 

“Well, you should. It’s freaking gorgeous.” he says unbothered, now looking out of the window again. He doesn’t even seem to notice how much these small comments really mean to her. How much her mindset, her confidence, her thoughts, her whole life has changed ever since this has become the norm for her. Someone building her up on the constant. Promises that are kept. Nothing but support and acceptance radiating from him. He loves her. She’s always his priority. Crazy how simple relationships can be. 

Still smiling at the big man next to her, all it takes is one look back at her phone screen and she groans annoyedly. 

“What?” Travis looks back at her. 

“Mom is driving me insane.” 

He grins and the car comes to a stop. 

“She keeps on sending me more things to pick up before dinner. I thought I can just send Alex to Whole Foods but now she wants us to get wine from that Australian store and pick up Kitty from the salon and.. it just never ends.” she says with an annoyed face, letting her phone drop onto her lap like a child throwing a tantrum. He just laughs at her, already knows that she’ll look for it between the car seats in a bit.

“Does she not know you’re still really worn-out from last night?” 

Taylor doesn’t answer him, and he instantly knows why. Instead of answering him, she just opens the car door, asks Travis to reach for her tote bag behind her and manages to board the plane underneath at least four umbrellas without anyone being able to see her face from afar. As soon as she got on the plane she feels her knees going weak once more. She usually makes sure to take her bag from Travis, but this time she just falls onto the seat and takes a shaky breath. How can she be so out of breath from walking a set of stairs? 

Travis, who finally enters the plane now notices immediately how pale she is again. 

“All good?” 

She nods, reaches for the small water bottle next to her and takes a sip. 

“Yeah.. just.. got dizzy for a bit.” 

Travis just sighs, places her bag next to her and grabs the small carry on suitcase from one of her security guards to place securely behind her seat. 

“Welcome aboard miss Swift. Would you like to eat lunch during this flight?”

Taylor looks at the flight attendant of today’s flight crew, smiles politely and ready to decline as Trav starts speaking first. 

“I think that would be a great. What do you guys have?” 

“Let me give you a menu.” she says friendly and disappears. Taylor just looks at him and rolls her eyes while watching Travis sit down in front of her.

“You haven’t eaten in almost twenty hours. I understand that you don’t want the greasy taco bell I got you this morning but please try eating at least something.” 

Just when she was ready to hit him with her prepare speech about how she won’t force food down her throat when she doesn’t want it, the flight attendant steps closer to the two again, holding a menu card in her hand and smiling at the couple. 

“Today, we can offer you either a sushi dish with yellowtail snapper, spicy tuna and avocado. We also have Filet Mignon with roasted potatoes and a side salad or the vegetable pasta with truffle cheese.” 

“Can I get the Filet Mignon please?” Travis says politely while securing his seat belt, and Taylor sighs. 

“I guess I’ll have the same.” 

The flight attendant nods and disappears again.

Travis smiles thankfully at her. 

“If I’ll explode on this tiny airplane toilet in an hour, then that’s on you!”

“You won’t. You’ll feel better.” he says, his voice has gone all gentle again. He places his arm right over the little table between them, signaling her that he wants to hold her hand. With one hand still holding onto the little water bottle, Taylor places her small cold hand in his, enjoys getting her cold hand warmed by his. 

“Now tell me why your mom has no clue what happened last night.” 

Taylor sighs. She can’t ever keep anything from him. 

“My parents worry so much about me. You know that. I just.. nothing happened so it’s not necessary to tell them.” 

“I disagree. I think you need all the support around you right now and hiding it from anyone will just turn this into a dirty little secret, which it really doesn’t have to be.”

“I don’t need ‘support’, Trav. Gosh. I’m not feeling great, but this whole thing will be forgotten tomorrow.”

He looks at her and hates the tone in her voice right now. She’s not just gaslighting him, but also herself. Still, he won’t let go of her hand. 

“You were drugged, Tay. Against your will. That’s literally called abuse. And just because that guy didn’t get to rape you after, doesn’t mean he didn’t have the intention to do so. It was still it abuse.” he says in a serious voice that gives her a shiver for a moment. She looks up at him, pulls her hand away. Something in her has shifted and he has no idea why. 

“Why do you want me to suffer?” she says then, her arms crossed. For a moment, he has no idea what she’s talking about. 

“Excuse me?” 

“All morning you act like I almost died. I didn’t. You know how many people this happens to? Some people literally take drugs for fun. It happened to me, it wasn’t great but I’ll be fine. Why do you have to turn this into something bigger than it is?” 

“Wow.” he just says, an angry sigh escaping his mouth. He doesn’t know what else to say to her. He understands that she’s not feeling well, he understands she’s tired and annoyed and sensitive right now. That she wishes it never happened. But he didn’t expect her to be so dismissive of his feelings after she’s been so understanding and empathetic just a few hours ago. 

“Well, I’m sorry for not being able to move on from this as fast as you can. Just wasn’t fun seeing the person I love collapse in my arms. Lucky you didn’t have to endure that. Would’ve been nice to be the unconscious one in that situation. But hey, next time someone drugs you I’ll just tell myself ‘oh it’s not that bad, some people do this for fun’.” he gets back at her, knowing he sounds more salty than he intended to. But it’s not the end of their argument. She looks angry, ready to say something she will definitely regret. 

“You know what? Sometimes, you can be a real asshole.” she says angry. 

“Right back at you, sweetie.” 

The plane starts moving and she just shakes her head in anger, doesn’t say anything else. Travis looks into the other direction as well, not able to say anything consoling in this moment. He doesn’t understand how she can go from being the most gentle, kind and understanding person in the world to being as cold as this. Making him feel like he’s just a burden. Pretending like his feelings as well as her feelings aren’t valid. He never wants her to suffer. All he wants is to be there for her, to be a good partner. Travis looks at her once more, but she just looks out of the window, plugging her AirPods into her ears. She clearly doesn’t want to talk to him at the moment. And he can’t say he feels any different. 

~

“Tay… Tay, we just landed.” she wakes up, feels Travis gently caressing her arm. She looks around almost as confused as she was this morning, realizes that she must have passed out for a solid amount of time. The last thing she remembers is eating bits of her steak and potatoes while successfully ignoring the man in front of her. She’s mad at him for his comments earlier. Mad that he makes her feel worse about what happened last night than he should. Still, he must have placed a blanket over her when she fell sleep. One of her AirPods must have fallen out of her ears and onto her lap. It seems like she’s had a good nap. 

“How long was I out for?”

“Whole flight.” he mumbles, busy looking into his phone. He clearly doesn’t want to talk to her either, doesn’t ask her how she’s feeling, how her nap was or leaning over the table to steal her a little wake up kiss. She hates to admit it, but she misses getting her usual treatment from him. She’s still annoyed by him, but she secretly hates this fight. However, she’s too proud to give in yet. This time, he should be the one to come around. It’s none of his business how she deals with her family. He should help her move on from last night and not make her feel guilty for doing so. She feels disrespected by him judging her for wanting to deal with this in her own way. Especially him. The person who has understanding for literally anyone and anything on this planet. 

It takes a good thirty minutes until the plane has arrived in its arrival position and the two have made their way into the car. The drive up to her house is long. Even longer when the person next to you does their very best to not talk to you under any circumstances. She then turns her head once, looks at him looking out the window. He seems mesmerized by the Nashville city sights. The last time he visited her here, they spent their time going on little hikes and just being their happiest selves together. Now, there’s conflict between them. She hates it. Even more than the afternoon traffic they just got stuck in. She sighs, is not sure how to approach him now. 

“You don’t need to come to my mom’s dinner with me tonight. It’s just my family anyways and..” 

“If you go, I’ll go.” he says. 

She doesn’t say anything, just nods and looks out of the window. 

“But you’re mad at me.” 

“Correct.” he says quietly, and she rolls her eyes. “But it would be rude not to go to a family thing when we promised them we’d be there.” 

“I don’t want you to go if you’re like this all night.” 

He sighs now, rolls his eyes and lets his head fall against the head rest of the car seat in annoyance. 

“What do you want me to say, Tay? Want me to apologize for worrying about you? For caring about your well-being? Just tell me what you want to hear because I don’t get it.” 

She doesn’t say anything, feels this new form of anger boil up in her. Before she can stop herself, she opens her mouth a tad too quickly.

“You literally think I’m so weak, don’t you?” 

He looks at her in confusion and shock. 

“What the fuck? When did I say that..” 

“You literally think last night broke me. But it didn’t. You have no idea what kind of scrutiny I’ve endured. Way worse than last night. And it makes me sad that you think I’m made of sugar and not able to handle this. I’m stronger than you think, Trav. And I really thought you would know that. And I’m done playing the part of the broken little girl who needs saving. I don’t need to be saved.” 

He just shakes his head. He can feel pure anger radiating from her. He knows that anything he says now will be twisted by her anyways. And he truly hates when she’s like this. 

The big black car comes to a stop at a red light. He looks out of the window and in contrast to the beautiful Las Vegas sun, the weather in Nashville today is cloudy. Cloudy and humid. The perfect temperature for a good fight with someone you care deeply about. 

“I know you can handle all of it.” he replies surprisingly calm for her taste. “And I know you can probably handle even more. Completely on your own. But I just don’t want you to. That’s all I was trying to say. I’m on your team, if you remember.” 

Taylor swallows, not saying anything else. 

~

“You ready?” 

Travis is standing in the hallway of her Nashville apartment. He’s checking his hair for a moment, taking a look at the golden rolex on his arm. It’s late. Very late if they want to make a quick stop to pick up Andrea’s dog before heading to her house for dinner. The rest of the afternoon has passed by horribly slow. After arriving at Taylor’s Nashville condo, he’s made his way to the gym and managed to ignore her as much as he could to clear his head for a while. Tay clearly didn’t want to speak to him either, disappeared into her bedroom and pretty much stayed there ever since. When he walked past the open bedroom door on his way to take a shower earlier, he could find her passed out in bed whilst some tv show was running in the background. As mad as he is at her, he’s just glad she’s been able to rest. She needed it. And he can’t believe she’s now dragging herself to a family dinner after last night. She almost got no sleep after being drugged, just got off a four hour flight. But it seems that she was right. She is stronger than anyone he knows. He just wishes she could see that sometimes, she doesn’t have to be strong. Sometimes, it’s okay to admit that you’re worn out and sad.

“Give me one second.” she yells back from the kitchen. With his beige pants and white t-shirt, Travis feels almost too dressed up, which wasn’t even planned for tonight. After all, he wants to be himself around her family. But he had this outfit picked out for her when they left KC two days ago. She loves whenever he’s dressed like this. And she knows how excited she is to share the news with her wider family today. 

Travis takes a few steps into the rustic kitchen and finds her standing in front of the huge flower bouquet her assistant has picked up for her. After all, today is her aunt Maureen’s birthday and she doesn’t want to go see her with empty hands. 

Travis just stands in the door frame, watches her cut the flower stems while being in her own little world, and he can’t help but feel the urge to just go up to her and hug her from behind. But he’s too proud to just let it go like this. They need to properly talk about their fight, before acting like nothing happened. Still, he can’t help but think about how beautiful she looks. Her curly hair is in a loose bun. She’s wearing a long dress with sunflowers on it and a pair of yellow sandals that match her dress perfectly. He also notices that she’s wearing her engagement ring. A rare occasion of her feeling safe enough in her environment to show it off. It consoles him in a way. As mad as he is, she’s still going to be his wife. They belong together. No matter how bad one of their fights may get. 

“Do you want me to put anything into the car?” 

“Yeah, can you grab the bag right there? That’s the wine and the stuff from Whole Foods.” she mumbles, still busy fixing the flowers. He nods, was just about to grab the big plastic bag next to her when he notices her stopping what she does for a moment. Instead, she just holds onto the counter in front of her, taking a deep breath. For a second he looks at her, worried. She just let the flowers drop into the sink, isn’t moving. 

“You okay?” 

She doesn’t answer him. Again, she just takes a deep breath, then nods with a shaky breath. 

“Hey, Tay.” 

He can clearly see that she’s dizzy, trying to catch herself again. He drops the plastic bag on the counter immediately, walks up to her and places his hand protectively on her back. 

“I’m just.. can you get me a glass of water, please?” she says with a shaky voice and Travis nods. Once more, he’s worried. He knew she wasn’t okay. He knows she hates to admit it, but she is not a hundred percent fine. She should stay home and take care of herself. But he’s done telling her that. 

“You sit down for a moment.” 

With a hand in her back and the other one securely holding her cold and sweaty hand, he helps her sit down on one of the chair around the dining table right next to them. She’s seen the look on his face, knows that he’s worried sick again. And she hates it. She hates having to be the weak one of the two again. A burden. A broken little girl who needs saving. 

“I’m just.. a bit dizzy. I’ll be fine in a second, don’t worry.” 

Travis doesn’t say anything, just reaches for a glass from the shelf next to the sink, pours some filtered water into it and comes back handing it to her. 

“Here.” 

“Thanks.” she mumbles, reaches for the glass and starts jugging it down. He notices her hands shaking slightly. He sighs, crouches down in front of her for a moment and places his hands on her knees. She empties the whole glass, then carefully places it on the wooden table next to her. She breathes heavily after putting the glass down, then leans back and relaxes for a moment. Her eyes close for a moment. Travis moves his hands on her knees gently, looking at her with empathy. He knew that going to this dinner was a bad idea. It already is. He reaches for both of her hands now, moving his thumbs up and down for a moment. 

“I know we can both be assholes, but you know what? You’re stubborn as hell on top of that.” 

She opens her eyes again, looks down at him. She tries not to smile at him, but almost cracks up. And he notices.

“I just.. I haven’t seen my family in a while with tour and everything. I need this. I need them to feel.. grounded. They also haven’t seen my ring yet. I just..” 

“I know you want to go, baby. That’s why we’ll go. But just.. just tell me when you want to leave. Okay?” 

She nods, a little smile on her face. 

“Want some more?” he asks, pointing to the now empty water glass. She nods. Travis gets up and goes up to the kitchen sink again to refill it. She just watches him standing there right by the sink in his cotton pants, looking really presentable for her family. He’s not just handsome today, but the look in his face makes her feel things. She feels horrible all of the sudden. She knows that he worries, and it shouldn’t be something to hold against him. But there’s this anger inside of her. And she doesn’t even know where it comes from. But it’s there. She’s angry at him, angry at herself.

Travis makes his way back and hands her the glass of water. She takes one sip, then reaches for his big warm hand against whilst he just stands there in front of her chair now, watching her finish her glass once more. 

“I’m sorry for being a stubborn asshole. But you’re also a stubborn asshole, sometimes.” she mumbles. 

“Guess we’re a good fit then.” he replies, forcing a little smile out of her. 

“Let’s talk about this when we get home. Don’t want to ruin this night for everyone.”

He nods, allowing himself to look into her eyes for the first time since their fight today. She smiles gently, a little peace offer from her side. She gets closer to him and her smile requests a small kiss from him. He gets closer to her, pressing his mouth onto hers. She feels relieved, intertwines both of their hands for a moment.

“I’ll take the flowers and you take the grocery bag?” she asks him, gets up with his help and already makes her way back to the kitchen sink in which she just frantically dropped the flowers a few minutes ago. 

“Yeah, let me get that.” he says, reaches for the bags on top of the counter. Taylor suddenly notices another red bag with the KC logo in his hand while reaching for the flowers for her aunt. 

“What’s that?” 

“That’s the jersey. For Jett.” 

Taylor looks at him a little touched, can’t believe he remembered. Her eight year old baby cousin Jett is a huge Patrick Mahomes fan and asked Travis on Christmas if he can get him a signed jersey. She can’t believe he remembered. Can’t believe that this is how thoughtful he is with her family. 

“You remembered? Oh my god, he will be estatic.” she gushes. 

“Yeah, got it signed and got him a cap and an autograph as well.” 

Taylor smiles at him while walking towards the door. 

“Thanks for remembering. It’s so sweet.” 

“Hey, this is for my guy Jett, not you.” 

She rolls her eyes, but smiles, and leaves the house together with him. 

~

“Oh my god, come here!” 

Taylor giggles while entering the house with Travis, two huge bags of groceries and presents, a bouquet of magnolia flowers and one freshly trimmed Dalmatian with them. Taylor can already hear her mom laughing from the kitchen as her aunt and godmother Alison makes her way towards her niece and hugs the blonde tall woman as tight as humanly possible. 

“Show me that ring. I want to see that ring right now.” 

Taylor laughs, and so does Travis right behind her. He knew that their engagement would be the number one topic of the evening. Whilst Taylor is busy handing the big bouquet to Maureen before showing everyone her engagement ring, Trav just quietly makes his way to the kitchen, passing the grocery bags to Andrea who’s standing by the stove. 

“Trav, you are the best. Thank you so much. Come here, honey.” she takes the bags from him, placing them on her marble kitchen counter and pulls him in for a big hug. 

“You look good. Did you let your hair grow?” 

“I did.” he smiles shyly, when he already feels Scott padding his shoulders from behind. 

“Trav, good to see you.” Scott pulls him in for a hug and Travis can’t believe his eyes. Scott is wearing one of the vintage KC crewneck sweater he got him last year. He can’t believe he’s wearing it for dinner with his Eagles supporting family. 

“You have just made my day, big guy” he pulls him in for another hug. Just in that second, Taylor enters the kitchen, asking her mom for a vase. Andrea just presses a kiss on her daughter’s cheek and takes the flowers from her. 

“Hi sweetheart.” Scott says, ready to hug his daughter but Taylor just looks at his outfit in shock and awe at the same time. Her mouth wide open, looking back from Travis to her dad.

“What do you say about that, huh? He’s officially joined the team.” Travis says proudly to his fiancé, still can’t believe he’s been able to fully pull Scott to the right side of history.

“That’s a statement, dad. How does Andrew feel about this.” she laughs, already looking for her uncle in the living room who will most likely not be too amused about his outfit choice. After all, he still hasn’t digested the 2023 loss against the Chiefs. And Travis being a part of the family now hasn’t really soothed this wound yet. It probably never will. But her dad now also moving to the dark side will definitely not make this better. 

“He hasn’t said anything to me all day.” Scott laughs, and so does Trav. He high fives the older man and Taylor just shakes her head in disbelief. It’s safe to say that her dad has never loved any boyfriend more than Trav. 

“Honey, where the hell are you? We need to see the ring. Now.” Maureen now yells into the kitchen and everyone starts laughing. Taylor smiles at her mom, who proudly looks at her daughter. Trav watches her walk to the group of women all gathered up next to the dining table, ready to inspect her hand.

The sudden gasp coming from the living room makes the three people in the kitchen laugh. 

“Oh my god, darling, it’s huge.” 

“Wow, is this a whole ass diamond?” 

“Trav, how many carats is this thing? Fifty?” Alison yells back into the kitchen, and Taylor looks back at him and blushes. He smiles at the round of women, even Andrew and Jett just look at the ring in pure fascination. 

“Nah, just ten.” he mumbles, walking up to where his fiancé stands. 

“Ten?” Andrew asks in shock and now it’s Trav who blushes. “That’s.. what? Half a million?” 

“Andrew!” Maureen just rolls her eyes at her husband being so rude and asking Travis how much he paid for Taylor’s engagement ring whilst Taylor is standing right there. 

“Maybe. Maybe more.” Trav smiles, placing a hand in Taylor’s back. He can see that she’s in awe again, almost uncomfortable to know that he spent so much money just for her. And he loves that about her. He loves that she has so many good reasons to not be uncomfortable about it, but she is. 

“I just wanted the best for my lady.” 

Taylor blushes, and smiles at him. For the first time really after today’s fight. She feels him get closer, pressing a gentle kiss onto her head. She leans in to him for a moment and it feels like reconnecting. Even though they had a bad fight today, they still love each other. They always will. 

“It’s fine though. Tay needs to buy groceries for the next five to ten years, and my bank account will hopefully recover.” he jokes and everyone laughs a bit, even Taylor. 

“I love it so much.” she looks at her ring again. “It’s weird, because every time I look at it it becomes even more stunning. Just.. literally how I envisioned my engagement ring when I was a little girl. Means so much to me. I think it’s because.. like.. I will wear this every day for the rest of my life. Like, no matter how old I am, I will forever have this on my finger now.” she smiles at her ring, then back at Travis. He just reaches for her hand with her ring and kisses her hand gently. Her aunts surrounding her just smile at the two of them. But beneath all the giggles and laughs of her aunts, Taylor hasn’t missed her dad’s look from the end of the room. Her dad, mom and Austin have seen the ring before. But his watery eyes, his little smile, and how he quickly left the room to not get too emotional right now hasn’t remained unnoticed by her. 

“Alright, who wants a drink?” Andrea calls from the kitchen and the little crowd surrounding Taylor and Travis slowly dissolves. 

She still smiles at her ring one last time, and Travis notices. He quietly smiles at her too, then leans in to press his lips against her bangs to kiss her once. 

“You are still a stubborn asshole, but I love you.” he whispers, and she giggles as he walks away to get himself a drink. 

~

Travis stands right next to Austin, trying to focus on their current conversation about their favorite childhood movies. After Austin made him the best Christmas present ever last year, in the form of his favorite DVD, the two of them really connected on their taste in movies. And he enjoys connecting with her family, getting closer to them and understanding more and more why she loves them so much. It’s gotten dark outside now. The beautiful, if cloudy summer day slowly coming to an end. He struggles to focus on Austin talking, feels his eyes every so often wandering off to Taylor. The majority of her family, including her, are sitting outside on the patio around the big family table. Andrea has lid up candles all over the terrace and it couldn’t be cozier around the house right now. Taylor definitely has her taste for interior design from her mother. Andrea is the only other person he knows who can instantly turn a place into a home. By making it warm and cozy. 

“Austin, Trav, do you want red wine or white wine?” Scott asks the two boys standing in the doorframe to the kitchen. He’s just made his way inside to get more drinks for everyone. Austin pats Travises shoulder, just follows his dad to help. 

For a moment, Travis just stands there alone, able to look outside through the big kitchen window. He can see Taylor sit on the side of the big round table. She looks tired and drained. He noticed that she barely touched any of the food tonight. Her mother has made a comment about Taylor’s lack of appetite earlier, and it surprised him that she didn’t react. Instead, she’s been sitting there, drinking one glass of wine after the other. And it makes him angry. It frustrates him. It’s been less than twenty-four hours since she’s been attached to an IV drip. Yet she’s sitting here, not taking care of her body, ignoring her health, pretending like last night never happened, after making him feel like crap for caring about her earlier today. He loves her. He loves her more than anyone else in this world, and he knows that she usually appreciates him caring for her. But her words today really stuck with him. He won’t be able to make this right for her, unless she wants to make it right herself.

Travis slowly makes his way outside to join the family. Taylor has saved a seat for him next to her. He just sits down, already feels her cold hand land on his arm. She pulls him closer, presses a kiss on his lips while listening to her cousin’s story about her weird neighbours. She tastes like white wine. Their fingers intertwine immediately and he can feel the shivers coming from her. 

“Want me to get you a blanket?” 

She nods immediately. She’s drunk. He can tell by the look in her eyes. 

“Thanks, baby.” 

Travis gets up and Andrea already points him to the where the TV blanket is at inside her house. He can already hear the conversation around the table shift while reaching for the blanket with his hands and making his way outside again.

“Darling, it’s still in the 70s right now. How can you be freezing?” Alison asks with worry on her face, everyone now turning to Taylor who still shivers slightly. She feels a bit overwhelmed suddenly, whilst Travis makes his way outside again. He places the blanket around her shoulders, helps her warm up a little. 

“Well, guess that’s what happens when you don’t sleep at night and not eat anything during the day.” he mumbles, and the second these words have left his mouth is when he knows it was a mistake. Taylor suddenly doesn’t say anything anymore, just signals him to let go. She reaches for the ends of the blanket and warms herself now. An awkward silence is suddenly surrounding the table. 

“Why, did you not sleep well, honey?” Andrea now asks, can immediately feel the tension between her daughter and her fiancé. She just shakes her head annoyed, reaching for her wine glass. 

“I’m fine, mom. Just didn’t sleep well last night.” 

Travis doesn’t say anything, just pours himself another glass of wine and keeps on listening to the conversations. He knows she’s mad about his comment, but he was right. After everything she’s been through last night she should take care of herself. Not this. 

It takes one more hour of Taylor sitting under the blanket and listening to everyone’s conversations while ignoring him, until she feels her eyes shut down fully. Travis keeps on looking over to her, and notices that she’s close to passing out on the chair next to him. The warm blanket doesn’t really help her not get more and more sleepy. He knows she’s mad about his previous comment, but he decides to ignore her pout from before, just wanders with his hand to her head and fixes a curly strand of  hair behind her ear. 

“Wanna head home?” he asks then, and Taylor nods. After all, the majority of guests have already left and Taylor needs to go to bed. She can feel herself having reached her limits for today. And as angry as she is with Travis, she doesn’t argue, just thankfully accepts his arm around her waist, guiding her inside to say goodbye to the rest of her family before finding her purse and making her way out of the family house. As soon as they both approach the car, Travis holds the door open for her, making sure she gets in safely before wandering to his side of the backseat. The car starts and Travis finds her fumbling with her seat belt. 

“Need any help?” 

“Leave me alone.” she mumbles and he sighs, just leans his head back and shakes his head. He’s in pure disbelief that she still finds the strength in herself to fight with him. He really can’t believe it. He knows this is the alcohol speaking in her but he’s tired. Tired of her making this so difficult for both of them. 

“I literally have known you for a full year now but I’ve never witnessed you the way you are today.” he says, full of anger and hurt. She doesn’t reply for a moment, just takes out her phone, pretending to be busy. 

“All I did last night was take care of you, get you safely to your hotel room, call you a doctor, give you the time you need to recover, get you food, get you water, tell you to take care of yourself, spend time with your family. And all you do is treat me like a fucking idiot, accuse me of wanting you to be weak, telling me i’m an asshole. Seriously, is that what you think I deserve, Tay?” 

“Well, you had no problem calling me out in front of my entire family when I specifically asked you not to. Thanks a lot for that by the way.” 

“It was literally the truth. After last night, you.. you didn’t eat, you had at least three glasses of wine and..” 

“Since when are you the food police? Since when do I need your permission to drink or not drink or eat or not eat? Did I miss something? I’m in a relationship Trav, not prison.” she yells at him and he looks at her but finds no words. He has no idea who this person next to him is. But what he really understands in this moment, is that she’s not okay. Last night must have shook her more to her core than he could’ve ever imagined. There’s no other explanation for this mean, hurtful, insensitive version of his girlfriend today. She’s never, not once, said anything like this to him.

“It’s literally impossible to talk to you right now.” he just mumbles, clearly pissed off, just looking out of the car window. 

A few minutes later, the car comes to a stop inside the garage of her Nashville apartment. Security helps them out of car and into the elevator, and in less than two minutes, they both stand in her penthouse apartment and Taylor turns the little kitchen light on.

“I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight.” 

“Yes, please.” she just replies, doesn’t even look at him. “Also, no need to wake me before your flight tomorrow. Just.. do whatever you want.” she adds, and leaves him speechless once more. Just yesterday she told him how sad she was that he will need to leave to go to LA for a couple of days to meet with his agency and discuss a few upcoming projects. Just yesterday she was thinking about accompanying him for a day, just to fly back to Europe after that. Just yesterday, she was the person he fell so deeply in love with. And he can’t seem to find her anywhere right now. 

“Thanks, Tay. You can call me when you are yourself again.” 

Taylor doesn’t reply, just grabs one of the water bottles from her fridge and makes her way upstairs, leaving him to himself. 

~

She wakes up suddenly, her heart racing, her breathing patterns almost as fast as humanly possible. It takes a second for her to realize where she is, to realize that it was just a bad dream. For a moment, she sits up and reaches for her phone. 3:38am. She falls back onto her pillow, just realizes now how sweaty she really is. Her hand wanders to her forehead, and for a moment she just lays there and wipes the sweat from her forehead. The entire pillow is wet, just like the part of their blanket she just slept under. She swallows hard, needs to take a deep breath to remind herself that that was only a dream. She was on stage, in a stadium, and everyone of the thousands of people in front of her were people she knew somehow. Faces she once knew, faces she once trusted, people she used to love. And they all started to come for her, trying to kill her in the most horrific ways. There were knives, and guns. Ropes and pills. There was choking, there was strangling. And she had to just let it happen. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t run. She couldn’t scream. Her body was limb. All she could do was watch it happen to her. She was all alone. Nobody cared for her. Nobody gave her mercy. 

For a moment, she cradles her head in her hands, feels the tears coming in. She looks around in the dark, realizing that Travis must have come into the bedroom at some point because his pillow is missing. She can’t believe it. She can’t believe they fought like this. Just in this moment, Olivia meows from the end of the room, already jumping onto the bed. With tears in her eyes, Taylor comforts her, realizing then that she’s freezing. After all, she managed to sweat through the thick material of her chiefs shirt. With shaking hands, she gets up, walks into her walk in closet and reaches for another one of his big shirts. For a moment, she holds the fabric close to her nose, breathes it in. It smells just like him. Him. 

The only person on this planet who would’ve fought for her. Who would’ve tried his best to keep these thousands of people from torturing her. He would’ve done his best to shield her. And what does she do? Push him aside. Hurt him exactly where it hurts him the most. She loves how emotional he is. Loves what a good person he is. How loving he is. And instead of worshipping him for it, she managed to make him feel like absolute crap about it.

With a tear streaming down her face, she pulls the sweaty shirt from her body, pulls the new shirt over her naked torso and turns the light off again. Her vision is blurry from her tears now and for a moment, Taylor hesitates. She then decides to make her way down the dark hallway, until she reaches the guest room. To her surprise, she can see the nightlight still being on, and as soon as she approaches the door frame, she can find him tucked into bed, fully awake, watching something on tv. Benjamin is sleeping on the carpet next to him. He always loves being near Travis. 

She knocks on the door once, and he looks at her in surprise. 

“You’re up?” 

“Yeah, can’t sleep.” he replies. 

She doesn’t say anything, just slowly steps in. He can immediately see her moist hair standing from her head in all directions. Her eyes are red and watery, and he knows something is up. 

“Are you..” 

“Can we talk?” she says says with a breaking voice, and he can hear the tears immediately. He sits up and nods at her.

“Sure.” 

She sits down in bed next to him, and he can see a tear running down her cheek. 

“Are you sweaty or did you take a shower?” 

“I had a really bad nightmare. I’m.. I’m really sweaty and disgusting, sorry.” she cries, just looking at her fingers. He can’t help but smirk over her comment, his finger already wandering to the little curl standing from her head, playing with it once. 

“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry you had a nightmare.” 

He can clearly see that she’s crying, and as much as he hates to see her this way, he appreciates that they can finally talk. 

“I’m really sorry, Trav.” she mumbles then and looks up at him and right into his eyes. There she is again. The soul he loves so much. She’s still there. 

“I’m sorry, too.” 

“No, no. You didn’t.. you didn’t do anything. You literally are the best person. And.. I was just so horrible to you.” she whimpers quietly. 

Trav’s hand slowly wanders onto her neck, stroking her moist hair behind her neck. She’s got goosebumps all over her skin. She must be freezing. 

“Come here.” he mumbles, already pulling her into his arms. He hugs her for what feels like an eternity, and he can feel her little cries on his shoulder.

“Can you forgive me, Trav. I.. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I..”

“Of course. I love you so much, baby girl.” he whispers into her ear and kisses her head a few times. “I’m also sorry. For.. for some of the things I said. I can get really mean when I’m mad. I was also overreacting. I know it doesn’t help you when I pretend like you almost died last night. It’s just.. I worry too much about you. And seeing you knocked out the way I did last night was just scary. I should’ve not.. not kept on telling you how bad it was. Wasn’t really helpful of me.” 

She shakes her head, slowly lets go of him. She really looks destroyed right now. Her hair everywhere, her face red from crying. 

“No, no. I love how much you care for me. I literally have never had this with anyone. No one’s ever cared for me like you do.” she says, a tear streaming down her face. With his finger he wipes the tear away, both of his big hands now placed in hers. 

“It’s just.. I feel like most of the time, I have the entire world against me. Because it’s not just fans, Trav. It’s stalkers. It’s crazies, people who threaten to kill me and my family. But.. I’ve been able to build a team around me to pretend like I’m safe. Truth is I’m never safe. Last night was a reminder that.. I can have the best people around me, you included, and if someone wants me dead they literally can if they really want to.” she cries, and it kills him. The thought of her not feeling safe just kills him. 

“I just had a dream that everyone in front of the eras stage wanted to kill me. Strangle me, shoot me, kill me with a knife, poison me. And some of these people were people I once knew. It’s just.. I’m really fucked up, Trav. I know you fell in love with me because you think I’m this happy, pretty, funny person but truth is I’m literally a shot deer on the hunt most of the time and..” 

“Hey, Tay. Stop it.” he interrupts her, not able to stand her crying like this. She covers her face in her hands and he just pulls her closer, hugging her tightly once more. 

“I didn’t just fall in love with the happy, pretty, funny Tay. I also love the fucked up Tay. The one who tries to push me away when it gets ugly. And I also love Taylor Swift the CEO. I also love hormonal Tay. She’s a gem. She bakes all day and cries at everything.” He can feel her laugh once between her tears. 

“What I’m trying to say is… I love you, no matter what. And at the end of the day, I hate to break it to you but no one is ever safe. You are not, and I’m not either. But we’re on this rollercoaster called life together, baby, and we get to learn and grow from everything that happens. Last night happened. And it was horrible. Let’s cry about it today, let’s sit down with your security team tomorrow and we’ll see what we can do to never have something like this happen again. Let’s talk about it. To the people you love, who support you. To a therapist, someone who can help you deal with it. I think these things are just.. life, baby. Unfortunately, this is life. But how we deal with it, that’s what we can decide and control.” 

She listens to him talking and she can’t believe he’s real. Like a child in a candy store, Taylor just looks up at him, clings onto his lips and follows every word he says. She can’t believe he told her once that he’s not good with words. Can’t believe he thinks of himself as the dumb little brother who’s nothing but a fuck up. When in reality, he’s more mature than she could ever be. Quite literally the most intelligent person she’s ever met. 

“I’m honestly really fucked up since last night, too. Because I had to see the person I love most in the world completely unconscious and drugged by a stranger. And you know how guilty I felt. But.. I had a good cry this morning. As you know. And I felt better after that. And instead of trying that, you literally just pretended to be fine all day, and instead turned into a wine drunk monster that scared the living shit out of me.” 

She chuckles again, now wiping another tear away. She nods. He’s so right. She can’t believe how right he is in this moment. 

“I was so angry at you today. I think I was more angry at myself. For.. for letting this happen to me.” 

“Some things are not in your control, baby.” 

She doesn’t say anything, takes a deep breath and a last shaky breath escapes her. Travis looks into her eyes, and all she can find is safety. Safety and forgiveness. 

“You know what’s really weird?” she says quietly, nothing but the tv light flickering in the dark and his warm hands securely on her back now. She felt so cold in bed before, but now she’s warm again. 

“I used to think I felt safe with you because you’re just a giant NFL player who can break anyone’s nose in a split second and is taller than anyone in my team.” he laughs quietly at her statement, both his hands still safely around her. 

“But right now, I actually feel like, I feel safe with you because you’re.. just.. a good person. You.. you would never hurt me. You just.. love me, even when I’m a bitch and you pick up my mom’s smelly dog and get my cousin a jersey he’s asked for half a year ago and…” she feels herself getting emotional again, her hands wandering to his cheeks. 

“Maybe you can’t save me from the world or myself, but you can still make me feel so so safe, Trav. No one’s ever made me feel this way before.”

He smiles at her, his lips finding her forehead again. He kisses her curly bangs a few times. His big hand securely on her head. 

“Forgive me?” 

He looks at her, just smiles. It’s not even a question for him. 

“Of course. Nothing to forgive you for. Let’s go to bed, baby girl.”  

She doesn’t argue, just nods. She’s exhausted. Deeply exhausted. Emotionally and physically. 

“We can’t go to the bedroom though.” she mumbles, slowly getting comfortable under his warm sheets right next to him now. 

“Why not?” 

“I literally got so sweaty that all of our sheets are drenched now. I’m disgusting, baby. We have to sleep here.” 

She makes him laugh once more, and he just nods, turns off the tv with one click and helps her get comfortable under the sheets of the guest room bed. With one swift motion, he pulls her closer, lets her be the little spoon while using his arm as her pillow and holding her hand tightly. It takes less than three minutes and she’s fully asleep. With his nose deep in her naked skin, he closes his eyes and allows himself to drift off, too. 

~

Taylor opens her tired eyes, needs a moment to realize why she’s in the guest bedroom of her Nashville home. Her head moves once, and she pulls the soft blanket closest again. She yawns once, suddenly feels a massive amount of relief on her chest. She’s so glad they could talk last night. So glad she had a good cry. So glad she opened up to him. So glad that someone like him is her partner in life. 

Taylor’s head is still pounding and she feels run down. But it’s okay. He was right. It’s okay to take a moment to cry before moving on. 

As if she was run over by a truck once more, Taylor turns around, mentally and physically drained by the last two days, almost feeling unable to move. She wonders why Trav has left the bed already. Is it really so late? She suddenly remembers that he had to catch his flight to Los Angeles. 

Frantically, she searches for her phone to check the time. She left it in the bedroom. Did he really leave without waking her, because that’s what she threw against his head in all her anger yesterday? She can’t believe herself sometimes. Can’t believe how horrible she treated him yesterday. She feels herself getting sad again. She can’t believe she won’t see him for the next week. Can’t believe she’s all by herself now to deal with all of this. She knows she’s not alone, she knows he’s always just a phone call away. But she’d be lying if she said she’s okay to be on her own for a while now, when really: she’s not. The lump in her throat is growing bigger and bigger. She slowly sits up, then lands on her feet and rubs her eyes to wake up. She slowly stands up to search for her phone in the bedroom, which she left after her horrible nightmare last night. But instead of making her way back to the bedroom, Taylor notices something else. There’s a specific smell coming from downstairs. Did he leave her breakfast? Barefoot and wearing nothing else but his huge shirt and her thong, she slowly walks downstairs. A smile creeps up on her face when she finds a pink bag from her favorite breakfast shop on the counter. He got her her favorite breakfast sandwich and a fresh juice before leaving. She steps up, happily unwraps the sandwich and was about take a bite when the front door suddenly opens and the big man she knows and loves so much casually makes his way inside. 

“You’re up!” he says with a smile on his face and Taylor looks at him in confusion. He just takes off his sunglasses casually, places them on top of the counter. She turns her head to the clock on the wall. 1.26PM. What the hell is he still doing here? 

“Where.. why are you not in LA? Did you miss your flight?” she instantly feels responsible for it, after all she was the one keeping him up for two nights in a row. 

“I cancelled it. Just went to the Apple Store a few blocks from here to pick up a charger. For some reason, mine broke this morning. I checked yours but somehow yours doesn’t fit into mine.” 

She watches him unpack his gadgets, not impressed by her confused look at all. 

“How are you feeling? Did you sleep better after your nightmare?” he asks, unpacking his charger and trying to fit it into the outbox of his MacBook on the counter. 

“Trav, you.. why are you not in LA? What do you mean you cancelled it?” she doesn’t understand what is going on. He was so excited to fly out and meet his agents to chat about a few upcoming movie projects. He just steps closer to her holding the tuna sandwich in her hand, the one he bought her this morning. He takes a bold bite out of the sandwich, just laughing at her outraged face. His full mouth wanders to her soft cheek and he steels her one quick kiss. 

“I cancelled it because..” he chews, still standing right in front of his sleepy fiancé who looks at him in confusion. “I want to be there for you. I realized I can do these meetings online. And.. I think it would be good for me to be here the next week. And when you fly to Paris, I’ll go back to KC for a few days and visit you in Sweden to see the shows.”

She doesn’t really know what to say, just places the sandwich back on the counter in front of her. 

“But.. I don’t want you to miss out on..” 

“I’m not, Tay. I promise.” he assures her. “Coffee?” he asks her and she nods. Still tired from the past days, she just sits down on one of the bar stools, watches him work his magic with the coffee machine. 

“How are you feeling though? You didn’t answer my question.” he asks. 

“I’m happy you’re here. But.. I also feel weird about you cancelling your work thing for me.” 

He doesn’t say anything, just finishes getting her cup of coffee ready and placing it right in front of her. 

“Why is that?” he asks, she and she shruggs her shoulders. 

“You shouldn’t have to jeopardize your career for me.”

He chuckles once, watches her sip on the hot coffee once. He can tell she enjoys this beverage a lot. Both her hands around the big cup, almost as if she’s warming herself from within. 

“I’m not jeopardizing anything, Tay. It’s called priorities.” 

She places her cup in front of her again and looks at him. He just stands close to her, his hand casually on her naked bum, his mouth finding the little spot in her neck he loves kissing so much. 

“You’re my priority right now. Other times, football might be the priority again. But right now, my priority is to be with my future wife to support her. Very simple. I can easily move these meetings to late August. It’s nothing that needs to be done right now.” 

She can’t believe his words right now, can’t believe it can be this simple and logical. It’s this moment she realizes: It’s possible. If you want to, you can. If you are someone’s priority, they will let their actions speak. It’s something she never really got right before, it seems. 

Her small hand lands on his big one, right on top of her kitchen counter. And she smiles. For the first time in days, she really does. She gets closer to him, kissing him passionately. Both of her lips meeting his. Her eyes closed and her hand on his cheek. After a few seconds she pulls back, his forehead meeting hers. 

“I’m so glad you’re here.” 

He smiles at her, can tell she’s getting emotional. He just places his hand on her cheek now, kisses her forehead a few times.

“I’ll always be here, no matter what. You and our family will always have priority. I promise. Ride or die, baby.” 

The End.

[dragonstailbutch]

Hey sorry i am trying to like. find examples of what you mean when you talk about mra stuff and (trans)misogyny in forcemasc content and tumblr search has betrayed me once again, can you explain?

(sorry I normally wouldn't ask but I wanna make sure I'm not perpetuating anything!! Also fucking tumblr search!!! it is ridiculous!)

so ive been sitting on this ask for months since ive got it. i want to do it justice and try to take it at face value that its being honest in asking.

The thing is, theres this trend and a weird amount of effort to be like force femme, to be forceful and like its something to fearful of and give in to. But we cant do that, cause all that does is reinforce the idea that being a man is a toxic thing. I saw this post the other day where a transman talked about like, the whole "raised as a weapon" thing, the violence and horror of being a man and raised that way versus how they felt growng into it as a transman. How they wanted to reclaim that phrase or something? i could be misremembering.

But that was never the intent of forcemasc. It wasnt actually about being a dude, literally *forcing* someone who was unwilling into masculinity, none of the posts that i made that started the community (and yes i, a transfem butch woman, started and made this community and some of yall need to get over yourselves) were ever about that, it was intended to be a soft mimic or even a call to forcefemme.

i was all about making it soft and tender for a reason, cause if i didnt i was only reinforcing the toxic masculinity narrative, "men fighting in the mud" "men are dominant and cool" " to be a man is to be forced into masculinity and to be disgusted with the feminine" or whatever. When masculinity isnt about just men, and being butch isnt just being masculine. masculinity should also be sensitivity, not domination. i wanted it to be better, show a better side of what masculinity could be, what being butch is.

Ive spoken before a bit too, about the tags people used and added to forcemasc, and really maybe i was wrong in ever naming it forcemasc. people used and still use tags like autoandrophilia, autoandrophile, androphile, autogynephilia, androphilia, and autogynephile. Ive seen so many people with urls and tags and posts calling themselves transandrobros, literally calling themselves MRAs, as if that was something to be proud of, as if they dont understand that they arent fighting for their and our rights, they're fighting for cis-mens rights by using those names and terms, not transmascs/transmens rights. I can understand ignorance, but weve talked about how the words you use have history, especially those like the tags i mentioned and androphilia and androphobia and others, all of them have roots in deeeeeeeply misogynistic and transphobic people and history.

Literally all of these are awful and are phrases that arent and wont be reclaimed because theyre history is one of pain and hurting trans people, one of coercive 'help', literal forced detransitioning and reinforcement of MRA and terf narrative that men are both good and the worst creature alive and that to be a woman is to be disgusting and the purest thing all at once. That to be a transwoman is sick and we shouldnt be trusted.

Im trying to be very kind, not scream and rage, not because i dont desperately want to, but because if i do, as a butch transwoman, ESPECIALLY cause i claim being butch, people wont listen to me no matter how much of what i say is meaningful. one of the reasons why im doing this NO, instead of in anothr day or two, is that im coming to terms with the fact that the situation will just get qorse, not better without words.

Part of why im still sane is that ive gotten a couple asks here and there about how my posts and creation of the community has helped them and its so wonderful to see that, genuinely so amazing to see people recontextualize and love themselves. its wonderful and im so fucking happy about it.

i personally made this space so i could love myself, who i am as a trans person and my body, and i knew that other people needed and wanted that for themselves too and i wanted to help, share this love with more people. That to be hairy and chubby and masculine and butch was a nice thing. But to me it feels like it was coerced into being a thing for Men. A thing no longer for me or people like me who share the butch culture and name to no longer enjoy cause people unfamiliar with kink and tran history have decided that masculinity and butchness are the exact same thing. Id say people should go be a bear, but you wont learn their culture either and thats cruel and insulting to bears.

We deserve better You deserve better. Stop falling for the lies and hate. We beg you

[ihearasound]

Don’t think I’ve ever seen a story pinpoint so concisely the frustration that everything created under capitalism belongs to capitalism like Canto IV does. No matter your intentions for your creations, capitalism will take what you create and appropriate it. When Dongbaek said “Can you ensure your medicine will save everyone? If not, don’t bother with it” wasn’t about putting Dongrang down, it was because she knew what would happen to creations made “for the good of the people”. Dongrangs medicine is primarily used to keep people complacent, not to save them. Just like how the ID tag was created to locate missing children, but was used for people to clock into work. Buildings were created for factories, not to house poor people. You can have only the purest intentions and capitalism will always find a way to taint it to its core.

I think Dongbaeks idea that technology - creations in general - should only be pursued to further yourself and to bring joy to yourself first and foremost, is very interesting. Because in the end, she created fireworks the same way Dongrang pursued medicine. She wanted to bring a little change into peoples lives. But the fact that capitalism serves as the very foundation of our lives is going to rot everything we create. We can’t live outside of the cruelty of capitalism no matter how hard we try.

AND YET. The chapter comes to the very simple conclusion: Continue creating. Even if you can’t save everyone, even if your works are to be appropriated and torn out of its context. If we stop creating we will be empty. And nothing will change either way. Only thing that changes is that you rid yourself of all possible future joys.

[yellowocaballero]

SHAZAM SHAZAM SHAZAM pls tell us about billy batson. ive only ever seen the movies o great comic knower

Very very very VERY far from comic expert (that's brawltogethernow) but I have read a lot of Shazam. His history is actually really, really fascinating and involves more than one lawsuit that really defined very early comics. I'll focus on one thing, though.

There are two Captain Marvels: One from the 1940s to around 2013, and one from 2013 til now. The Captain Marvel you're familiar with (who is named Shazam) is from 2013. He's a more realistic, grounded character. He was created to be pretty much the polar opposite of his original version. The best summary is to say that the Wizard chose Billy Batman 1940 because he had the purest heart, and the Wizard chose Billy Batson ~2013 because he was there. My personal 'best' Shazam story is the "Shazam: The Monster Society of Evil" graphic novel by the guy who made Bone. It's good because it's for elementary schoolers yet acknowledges this small child as homeless. Which, don't get me wrong, you shouldn't always do. My personal favorite is the 1970s ones.

As some background: Otto Binder was the creator/main writer of the very early Captain Marvel comics. He was by far and away the best writer of the early Superman Silver Age comics, because all of his comics were batshit insane. Shazam has a complicated and legal history with Superman, so the 1970 run was a super fun high camp tongue in cheek reinvention of the best Silver Age stories.

So the 1970 Captain Marvel comics are insane.

I can't even summarize them without sounding crazy. Basically the conceit is that Captain Marvel, Captain Marvel Jr, and Mary Marvel (Billy, Freddy, and Mary) are having 1940s Golden Age Adventures when they get somehow in suspended animation and are basically time travelled to the 1970s. This don't bother them too much. Why would it bother them. Nothing bothers these people. Nothing. I don't think anybody experiences a negative emotion in these comics. Not bc they were twee. Bc they were insane.

Many of the comics basically had three shorter comics inside it: one Billy story, one Mary story, one Freddy story. Interestingly, they all had different art styles, artists, types of story, genre, etc. Billy's stories had a cartoony art style with very over-the-top and silly plotlines that involved supervillain bad dudes. Freddy's art was slightly more realistic and was slighty more grounded, but still had some classic Marvel indescribable scifi that can best be summarized as that one meme panel people have seen where Sivana recites a science equation that lets him walk through walls. Mary's stories were much more realistically drawn and featured the most banal shit, like her starting a club with her friends. Somehow Mary Marvel gets involved in those.

Sometimes they worked together and did superhero things and fought bad guys. The average fight looked like this:

Billy was a twelve year old who lived by himself, in his own apartment, had his own radio show, a full-ass job, a whole thing as Captain Marvel. He paid fucking taxes. Everybody knew this and nobody cared. He's the most affable, good natured kid on the face of the planet. Nothing bothers him. Nothing. Nothing bothers any of these people. Sivana shows up and he's BIG MAD so he's creating another death ray and Captain Marvel shows up like "Oh you rascal! Time to punch this and go back to helping my friend eat his infinite Jello."

He has a friend named Talky Tawny, who is a talking tiger wearing a suit. He also has a friend named Sunny Smiles, a person of indeterminate gender who everybody falls in love with, for unexplained and unknown reasons. Not to be confused with Freddy's friend Gregory Gosharootie, the "World's Dullest Mortal", who is so boring that nobody notices him and he keeps accidentally comitting crime. There is also an old guy named Uncle Marvel who pretends he has superpowers, which they all find funny so they just roll with it. Freddy is a disabled orphan who has to sell papers on the street corner to make a living. Mary lives in a middle class suburban home with loving foster parents. It never once seems to occur to Mary's parents to adopt Billy, for Freddy to live with Billy. Everybody is happiest this way.

I do think this is partly why a good Shazam comic has to be aimed at the 6-12yo demographics. They have to be for small children, because Billy is living a complete and utter power fantasy that only a ten year old would think is a good idea. He's a kid, and he doesn't have drag parents or a lame family, but he can turn into Superman, and he can also do magic, and everybody loves him and thinks he's the nicest person, and his supervillains are Dr. Doofenschmirtz and a worm, and his supporting cast is like okay my sister if she HAS to be involved, but also my best friend who is a paperboy! but cool because he's disabled, and….

Look, you could engage with that seriously. You could go "holy shit this is a homeless child". That's fine. That's what they do these days, and that's what they did in the movies. Nothing wrong with that. Take the story more seriously.

But also they don't give a worm the electric chair in those stories, so.

To actually give some commentary on these comics: these comics really love people. I've never seen comics that were so entrenched in their community. The kids just know everybody they meet on the street. Freddy delivers paper up and down every block, so an average story for him is just talking to a butcher or baker or old man or grumpy housewife and helping them out with some batshit problem. Mary's a sweet girl who's always starting clubs with her friends and taking on neighborhood projects. Many Billy stories involve one of his many friends falling into some trouble and Captain Marvel helping them out - or just exploring some fun with Billy hanging out with Sunny Smiles, who is a person of indeterminate gender who for some reason has magic love brainwashing powers -

This isn't the biggest #Shazam take, but I think a good Shazam story stays grounded in that. These are poor street kids who love Fawcett City so damn much. They love fighting their supervillains, but they love helping out the random guy off the street with their problems even more. Way more so than Spider-Man or a lot of other guys, I think of the Marvel family as the friendly neighborhood superheroes. They're both larger than life and street level. They're Superman level powers but they just use the powers for wrapping up their hijinks. Isn't that nice? Aren't you tired of going apeshit? Don't you just want to be nice?

[muffinrecord]

Oh Hanna is not to be outdone here. even if she isn't real? and is just like, a ghost uwasa thing.

But for real. girl is like "I don't remember you but also I was in love with you so much that the sheer power of my gayness means i will doom myself and become a villain just to stay by your side. just to make you happy. because i love you"

like god damn. purest evil tragic lesbianism ive ever seen

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

I vibe with hyperfixating w/ characters. To varying degrees I’ve fixated on: Armin from AOT for a while, 1D had a DEATH GRIP on me for a few years, (SEVEAL book characters through my teen years)I had an Alucard from castlevania fixation for maybe 3 ish years (‘ending’ only recently) and now Hobes lives in my head rent free ngl.

I get the “being sad cuz you can’t meet them” part, I’ve felt it. I try to not daydream TOO much cuz otherwise it takes over my life and I’m doing a considerable effort to live OUT of my own head, but BOI do I LOVE just daydreaming about my blorbos of choice.

I don’t speak too much about it (mostly the daydreaming) cuz to an extent it feels like a “me thing” (like something I don’t wanna share with anyone cuz it’s special to me), but if given the chance I DO info dump on my fixations.

I don’t think it’s cringe, not at all. These things are stuff that helps us process the world and our experiences with it. I believe everyone has sensitive weird shit that they don’t talk about, but if there’s something Ive learned is that we hardly ever have completely unique experiences. Most people just hide their oddness. Fandom being a prime example of how much our blorbos can mean to us. I think it’s okay and normal. (Until it goes overboard and people send idk violent messages to others because they headcanon something differently idk, the unreasonable stuff imo)

Can’t believe our of everything people would dare to make JOY and INTEREST the things with negative connotations. Being mean should be cringe, being a bully should be embarrassing. But unashamedly enjoying stuff?? That’s wonderful.

Anyone too embarrassed of their own vulnerability that they deal with it by making others feel bad about their interests are the most immature out if all of us.

Joy is everything that’s good with the world.

Even just seeing the letter 1D makes me wanna scream (in a good way!!) cause it takes me back to high school lol 1D was a bit older than me so my grade had Mindless Behaviour (does anyone remember them, where they even popular) but I remember the days where 1D was like the definition of summer songs

And I can totally understand the 'me thing'. Like I never really spoke about it but I felt like I knew my daydreams were more substantial or vivid than the 'average person' so to say.

Or when I spoke about characters to other people, I understood that neurotypicals likes characters, but they often didn't see them as fully formed 'persons' in the way I do - as to say, they didn't speculate or see emotional backstory, connections, or their behavior the way I did.

I never really shared any of my daydreams because like - I can't even get into it that's like asking someone to explain Star Wars to someone who doesn't even know space travel exists.

I grew up in a time on the internet where self-inserts and OC were seen as cringe, and someone would be very quick to call out 'Mary-Sue's (or flawless OCs) whenever they could.

It's not like that now - but in juxtaposition to canon x canon shipping, that bias is still there I feel like. Like it, as a work of fandom art has less 'value' that art or fics of canon only characters

It kinda bums me out still.

I think OC and daydreams and self-indulgent inserts are all the best part of fandom because it's the purest way of fans connecting with content on a personal level.

I'm happy that I see more people pushing back on that lately. Like after years of seeing people viciously hate furries when most of them seem like very nice, fun people, it's refreshing for people to be like 'nah, actually this thing is cool. and im gonna spend of time and/or money on this thing cause i makes me happy;

like you remember when the new Star Wars movie trailers came out and that dude reacted to it and he was moved to tears and people made fun of him??

yeah fuck everyone else that dude knows whats up.

Like yes, openly cry to your faves. Fantasize deep meaningful daydreams that help you process your feelings. Draw your OC with them, or learn every single thing their is to know about them.

That's why I wanted to talk about this. Because I've never heard it spoken about before. Maladaptive daydreaming, yes - and that can be harmful. But I hardly ever hear people talk about the basic mundane experience of it - or even how it can enrich our lives and help us emotionally develop of neurodivergent people.

When I think of it that way, it's something that makes me happy. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe it fully, and that's the point. Our stories are private to us, not because theyre embarrassing, but because they're so us that to even describe it would like describing a new world top to bottom

I love it. It's what makes humans humans.

[1004tyun-archive]

CRYSTALLLL OMG I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT SINCE YALL STARTED SENDING ASKS TO EACH OTHER THAT YALL WOULD EVENTUALLY END UP BEING TOGETHER JCJDJSJSNS 😩

i think you guys have the purest and most genuine relationship ive ever seen and im super happy you guys found each other 🤍 i wish you guys lots of luck!! hehe

omfjsjjs how did everyone know this was going to happen except us 😭😭😭 like me and cherry had no ideas we were going to be a thing yet our moots just had a feeling 😭😭

this is so sweet channie thank you :(( obviously i can’t speak for cherry but the love i have for her is so strong i want nothing more than to be around her all the time and i’m so so thankful not a day goes by where i don’t feel lucky to have her in my life 🥺🥺🩵🩵 thank you so much dear!! <3 <3

[runofftheworld]

S2 thoughts cont.d

i know part of the point of the Nina and Maggie plotline is to point out how aziraphale and crowley's involvement is kinda creepy, but im so obsessed with how happy it makes them. like crowley's smile when they're under the awning is i think one of purest ive ever seen- reminds me of the glee of the 10th doctor's smiles, and the same for aziraphale during the ball. and like- yes they don't understand a lot of things but they do both just love humans so much

[icharchivist]

gosh, mentioning your friend who got bowled over by act 2 autumn must’ve been foreshadowing, because I, who foolishly was like, oh I don’t think I’ll relate to azami that much he’s very different from me but it’ll be fun to see autumn, cried twice while going thru the back half of this story. jeez. I’ll may have to be a bit less chronological than usual for the sake of keeping all of that stuff later.

zombie run night was rly great! more like zombie fun night amirite. I’m sorry I make bad jokes. banri getting azami to be a zombie as well was so nice like. again he’s being a good leader.

tenma being scared of zombies makes sense obviously. I’m with him. not zombies but when I was staying with a relative a while back I found a lizard the length of my hand in the bathroom and then refused to use that bathroom for the rest of my stay.

I really liked the eyeball necklace detail—it made the event feel real and also considerate? the moment yuki just went … at tenma I Knew he had planted the necklace on him tho. he’s so funny for that. seeing that and being like yeah tenma you’re so right. you don’t need to participate. cant believe mankai didn’t recognize banri when he caught them. azami must have some stellar makeup skills

azami going after sakyo and haunting him abt his budget lifestyle was sooo funny. like I was bracing for something slightly charged to happen but it was just funny. and he had a good time!! I’m glad. I liked that banri was like. still encouraging to azami even tho his acting motives aren’t the purest lol. I mean to be fair he has no room to talk there but it’s also just nice to like. meet him where he’s at. like we see azami doesn’t really get The Feeling until closing night but. things take time.

azami and omis whole thing was. so good. like the way he won’t even like accept a bandaid is so. azami… I loved the way they resolved it? first seeing omi juza and tsuzuru talking in uni was cool. but then kumon approaching azami was like. so nice. again the way that they like talk and kumon’s like I miss summer! and u can Hear the smile in azamis voice when he’s like come on summer literally just ended!

but him being awkward around omi bc he’s not sure what a mother should be like… gosh. like the way he describes the whole thing as like. strange and confusing I’m going to vote the wall like. like yeah actually that’s exactly how it feels when someone is kind to you in a way you haven’t yet experienced it makes you want to throw it off immediately bc it’s like whoa whoa hold on. I’m not allowed this kind of thing. anyways just. no wonder he likes kumon so much that guy is like, effusive in his praise and azami probably likes having ppl around who are Nice like that. loved omis portrait. it was so good. and it like. absolutely sucks that he had to grow up that quick. very nice to see nachi again, though. but when kid-omi was like: one day in the future. I’ll take a break for myself :) omi. omi I’m shaking you. have you ever really done that. well ig now that he’s living in mankai he’s letting his family take care of housework and stuff? but like, still.

minor note but when they’re doing a street act it was rly cool to see juza just like seamlessly and confidently advertise the play. he’s come so far…

*cracks knuckles* alright all of that was warmup now it’s time for the BIG STUFF. azami almost got hit by a car!!!! the cg there was like. So Good. like the way sakyo is absolutely Frazzled… yeah. like god I keep thinking abt that cg. its sooo. wow!! i dont think ive seen sakyo look so distressed!!! hes not wearing glasses bc he was so shocked that he ended up breaking his glasses in the rush to get there!! its like. azami look... u have a dad that wishes for your every happiness... and azami is just Sitting There mostly unharmed and looking a little confused like huh… why’s sakyo looking so out of sorts… it’s wonderful. and the way sakyo is like even if it was just a scrape I need to find who did this and hurt them. like godddd and the way he’s like “so I don’t even have the right to worry about you anymore?” I am. Going to cry.

what rly got me tho was like the whole jin-gi-oh cards though bc like first off sakyo remembered ALL of them but also!! also just the way u can hear azami kind of mumble stutter like we-well I bet he doesn’t even remember the card stuff (why would he really care about me…) and then sakyo clearly Does. and it’s just like.

it’s so clear that while sakyo is convinced that he barely has the right to talk to azami bc he betrayed him by chasing after his dream… a lot of what azami is worried about is that sakyo doesn’t care about him anymore. like imagine you’re fourteen and you’ve just learned that the guy you secretly think of as your dad, who’s like the only one that’s supported your dreams, is leaving you to pursue his own. without you. and you get into a huge fight with him about it and storm off. and then a week passes and you don’t hear from him. months pass and you don’t hear from him. whenever he’s around doing ginsenkai stuff you just… don’t really talk to him. and you’re fourteen maybe fifteen so you’re too embarrassed to reach out first. besides if he left that easily maybe this whole thing was just a job to him, huh? maybe he never liked you as much as you liked him. whatever. whatever. it’s fine. like the “I bet he’s having so much fun now” line azami says… it’s so clear he believes like. oh sakyo was slumming it with me and left for greener pastures.

and of course sakyo is sitting there like oh I’ve committed the biggest betrayal ever by not supporting his dreams well enough. he probably hates me and doesn’t want to ever see my face again. and like that’s not helping.

and then you run away from your bio dad because you can’t let go of your own dreams and when you don’t have anywhere to go it turns out that you can actually run to the place sakyo went to. and strangest of all sakyo is letting you stay. like the way he just. the pause he has when sakyo says he’s basically his guardian. the feeling of. sakyo is… admitting that? does he… does he WANT to be my dad (I thought he didn’t want to—)

and now you’re here in a hospital and just saw sakyo was super worried about you and also like. maybe treasures you in the way that you thought he did. sakyo says his story of running away is about a pathetic kid but it’s also like. for azami he just learned that the card thing he did with sakyo and liked so much that he still keeps them carefully is actually a parent-child thing sakyo did with his own mom!!! it’s like. oh my god.

azami talking abt his own experience with buying cards and then his dad trashing them, though… I. hm. I am going to leave the section abt azami’s bio dad alone bc I’m tempted to get mean about it and I kind of want to leave that for later.

so, skipping forward to the actual play… it was so cool to see summer come in for support! and I always love seeing how the chapters extend what we see in the actual play. also the voice acting that’s good too. the one thing I noticed was like. “you remember the boy with brown hair you killed three years ago?” who’s going to tell them that taichis hair is as red as ever. so roy’s hair was never brown. it got kinda brown when he became undead? but before I don’t think it was.

cannot believe those asshole delinquents were the ones who almost hit azami. the title “buff high schooler” is just rly funny to me tho. sakoda chasing after azami and then calling everyone was so good of him. smart choice my guy. love how everyone in autumn (minus taichi who seems a little nervous) is like. it’s fighting time. very cool to see all of natsugumi volunteer to be opening act. was confused by the “I always repay my debts” line but I think it’s for banri acting as stand in for kumon? which is nice bc it’s like. tenma is the one saying this so it rly just gives the idea that like. natsugumi is a team yknow. and later when they do the acting it meshes so well with the actual play? bc like they had a specific point where they were like oh let’s adlib and do some comedy that’s undead related to make sure the play isn’t a bummer. and then here’s natsugumi just doing like those sorts of jokes.

anyways back to azamis kidnapping.

muku: won’t it be bad if they see ur faces?

me: …ah. I have. the faintest idea of where this is going [judo bear nozaki flashes to my head]

THE CG WAS. THE BEST POSSIBLE USE OF A CG EVER ITS SO GOOD. I LOST MY SHIT. THE HOLLOW EYES R KINDA TERRIFYING IN A REALLY FUNNY WAY. TAICHI THIS WAS AN AMAZING IDEA. the guitar / bass guitar (? idk instruments) that rolls in during this scene is amazingggg. it’s just the like instrumental break part of respawn which is. I went and listened to that after finishing boyhood collage and the song is like, sooooo good. much love to it. the rly fast vocal parts made me think of the fast parts of worlds end dancehall. which is like also apocalyptic setting so that was cool. also I love worlds end dancehall.

they were so funny during this tho. sakyo going “roooar. give us back our friend, you punkass kids.” and juza forgetting what bears sound like so he just literally goes “beaaarrrr” what are you a Pokémon?

and sakoda running towards azami!!! <3 I grew soooo much affection for sakoda in this story tbh like he takes care of azami so well!

thought it was very interesting that like. when they return, everyone in natsugumi is audibly exhausted minus tenma (he’s probably got great acting stamina) and misumi (I don’t think he says any lines here? but he’s probably just got excellent physical stamina. and he and tenma did start out with the like best acting chops of the troupe) which is a cool detail.

and then azami just carefully opening up that he was terrified. not of being hit but of disappointing them and the play. and then when he says to sakyo… “I’m only saying this once, but when I was a kid, I always thought of you as my dad. And… I still do.” IM GOING TO CRY. idk. like the way that azami just Says That and let’s it hang there and then they do the play.

izumi: wow the fight scenes r intense today! (please don’t tell me it’s bc they were just actually fighting…)

damn izumi what do u want me to tell you then. huh. they stomped in their with their animal heads and azami pirouetted back to mankai? no violence involved?

and sakoda crying at the play!! again I can hear the smile in azamis voice when sakodas like bawling in front of him. when azami was like. shift couldn’t make it…? I paused and was like. azami implied shift had an interest in theater at the end of act 2 summer… could it be… and then when azami was like “the god troupe, huh…” I was like ahhhh fuck. we shall see what goes on there later ig.

also they bring up vkei again when talking abt what they want to do next and izumi shut it down… what do u have against it! honestly eyes emoji at masumi saying he likes it, tho... mazumi expressing an opinion that doesnt align with izumi's personal tastes??? maybe I’m missing something.

but the ENDING!!!!!

citron: "I have reached my limit..." AND THEN GUYS THERE HES LITERALLY THERE!!!!! I’m assuming the <> for their dialogue means they’re speaking in their native tongue anyways im going to obsess over <Citronia.> <I've come to get you.> / <I've been wondering when you'd get here.> I knew guy was coming to get citron so I’m glad to see that’s confirmed… already gave my theories on the specifics so I’m interested to see if I’m anywhere close to the mark there.

okay and Now I can talk abt azamis bio dad. i. uh. I hate him. actually he really grinds my gears in a way I didn’t think was going to happen. so I’m worried that I’m being like somewhat unfair to him bc I’m projecting my own biases onto him. so I’m sorry if u have like good opinions of him. it’s rly so funny tho I knew azami did like makeup and stuff and I was like “oh I have. No Interest in makeup or skincare so I probably won’t relate to it too hard” and then This happened and it’s like I got hit with a bowling ball.

like goddd. the way azami is like yeah I bought some cards with my allowance, and then my dad who’s not sakyo found out and threw them out. “I learned then to never let my dad get his hands on anything I’d bought with my own money” gah… not to overshare but like, I feel azami so much there. growing up I would like. never want to tell my parents I liked Anything bc I knew they’d be like oh you’re so silly and dumb and stupid for wanting any kind of merch or collectibles! it’s such a hassle!! why do u like this stupid thing!! so. ahah. I went to a concert for the first time this year and I remember my parents thinking it was weird but then one day my dad called me and he was like oh I was talking to a colleague abt the concert you’re going too and he says that band you like is like, super cool and popular. so it’s like ah. ig now that an Adult has approved it I’m a cool kid now. the same way my writing was worth shit and was totally useless until a family friend kept gushing about the way I’d helped their daughter. anyways what I’m saying it is azami I get it.

and his dad then trashed his makeup, too… like the way sakyos defense for the handmade cards were that they were like “yakuza” cards so he couldn’t complain like it’s a flimsy defense but the fact that he even had to like, make a Justification about these cards when it’s like. these handmade cards aren’t going to help azami fit in or make friends at all so like they’re not accomplishing what the store bought ones were for. but like you still need to defend against it.

but yeah the way it’s like. wow at a pretty young age azami was like oh okay. so if I like ANYTHING I can’t tell my dad about it or he might ruin it. do I feel that this is perhaps part of why he seems so cautionary abt romance yeah sure.

the first time I actually teared up during this whole thing was actually sakyo in the hospital telling azami not to give up. that he can do it even in defiance of his parents. and it’s so meaningful bc sakyos like his DAD. and he’s telling him he’ll support him… like idk. something so heartwarming abt a parental figure being like, hey, you need to prize yourself to the point that if needs must, you can even rebel against me.

the conversation sakyo and izumi have after that, too… “after seeing my boss, I get the feeling there’s no dad out there who doesn’t care about his kids.” this line makes me feel. So Complicated. like I won’t deny the fact that I think azamis dad cares for him on…. Some level…. but it’s like homares grandmother. im glad she loved him but it doesn’t erase the ways that she hurt him, yknow?

also sakyo. you live with misumi tenma and masumi. masumi you can maybe argue his dad caring abt him and same with tenma (but. I mean I’m not HAPPY abt arguing that bc they r rly under baseline care.) but anyways are u gonna do that with misumi’s dad. then again probably only summer troupe knows about the situation there… honestly sakyo probably knows nothing abt the tenma situation too. so he’d only know about masumi and masumis dad seemed like fairly reasonable and nice at the end.

sakoda was so cool here tho. first off having the nerve to even try to still lie about the tickets to protect azami. and then when azami got dragged to his bio dad the fact that sakoda just. started yelling at him? amazing. this made me cry again. like yeah sakodas been watching him… what azamis doing isn’t child’s play! he’s right! and sakoda knows all of this bc he’s been caring abt that kid for forever!! to the point that he’ll yell at the yakuza head like this bc he cares that much!!!

and azami is like. god. I rly love the way he was like. so openly resentful. “Since when have you ever been a father to me?! Dont pull that shit on me now!” ouch. so true though.

and the. the way that uh. “Wh-what are you bowing for? This asshole doesn’t deserve—“ you can HEAR the trembling in his voice. he’s holding back tears. sakyo bowing FOR azami is so good. like I think this scene hit me so hard bc like both sakoda and sakyo who have the lives they do now mostly in thanks to the ginsenkai, are like… sticking up for azami. who is fifteen and thus hasn’t really Given them anything but like his presence. and they care enough about him to stick up for him anyways.

anyways I hadn’t thought abt this until now but it’s like huh… yeah no wonder azami made something up. he wouldn’t want to talk abt sakyo in front of sakyo bc that would be like admitting he still cared abt him. and he didn’t want to talk abt his parents in front of sakyo bc uh. it would be complicated ofc. like in his boyhood collage he was like oh I don’t even remember why I ran away, but shift was probably frustrated and stuff. but like clearly azamis mom had just recently died at that point. he probably just didn’t want to talk about that.

the reveal that the magic brush he uses on kumon was his mothers makeup brush, though… like the way it was her cheek blush to make herself look less sick. and he does the same thing for kumon years later. it just makes it… so much more affectionate. ”I wanted to use its magic to make someone happy like that again. I wanted to do for someone else what I could no longer do for my mom.” and YOU DID!!!

and then his bio dad’s response to all of this. “well, aren’t you all just making me out to be some evil villain. you think there’s a parent out there who doesn’t want to support his child’s dreams?” yes. yes absolutely.

and the way his reasoning is just like. he just thought azami was making up excuses to run away from the family. that uh. that’s not. true… ugh this part is what made me so frustrated. like azami, after his portrait, so very specifically asserts that’s he’s his son and because of that he’ll do anything for him and ginsenkai family. and it’s like. Yeah. I know what it’s like to be so aware of your position as someone’s child and know that even as you hate them you will also do anything for them even if they won’t recognize that. like… he never even asked. azami was so pissed about getting his makeup trashed that he literally ran away and didn’t come back. and you’re still assuming oh it was a little side hobby, if he REALLY cared about it he would’ve, what, psychic mind beamed the force of his feelings to you? if you had paid attention like sakyo or sakoda you would’ve clearly seen how long and how deeply he’s loved it for. even if it had been for a short time how would you know it wouldn’t grow into something else, anyways. like acting.

also his “study your ass off and aim for the top.” line about makeup and then when he gifts him the makeup set later… good on him for personally buying that stuff. but that line left such a sour taste for me bc it’s like. ugh… honestly it just hit a sore spot bc I remember my parents being like. hi child. you can do like, anything you want supposedly but if you want to do like Anything in the humanities field or arts field you’ll have to be the top 1% of it otherwise you’ll die alone. so like if you’re not good enough to do that just quit (I am implying you’re not good enough). and it’s just like. idk. the sort of implications that if azamis not like the best at makeup ever and also that if he hadn’t chosen to do it bc of his mother and it was just something he Liked, then that reason wouldn’t be enough…? that’s just the vibe I get.

also azamis bio dad being like sigh I’ll tell sayuri you’ve become a strong independent man instead of the family head. it just rly irks me like. even now it felt like hey old man. are you looking more at your dead wife than you’re looking at your actual child. because that’s what it feels like.

anyways idk. I hope azami has more space later in life to be a bit more resentful bc I think he deserves it, yknow? I think the way the whole thing went down like, Made Sense bc why would that guy like admit he had hurt his son… that’s like. unrealistic. so I don’t think the story was written badly or anything. it just made me like. really sad. azami didn’t end up loudly crying (im not counting the wailing he has to do in the play for his dead dad.) and like that makes sense to me. actually I think it was very Cool Of Him to never lose his composure That Badly. uh and he’s going to do great considering he as a middle schooler is like rolling normally with college students. but I just want him to be like. feel safe even when he’s not excelling, yknow?

I fear I lost the plot or rambled a bit too hard there at the end, so sorry if it’s incoherent!! I rly like azami!! this was a very good story. im also ridiculously excited for winter.

HUH OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT LMAO. a3 relatability strikes again?

let's go into it!

dFKJDFKLFDJ zombie fun night is perfect. Banri is really being a good leader and figuring out how to have Azami engage with what they're going to do it's just. god Banri is good.

HELPP. Tenma scaredycat, but also for the lizard thing, so valid, i would do the same. AND HELP for the necklace. This is so funny. and yeah Azami's makeup skills truly are shining there! DLKFJDKLFJD being so used to a3 dropping emotional bombs that this just ended up being funny makes it even softer. But yeah agreed on the way Banri coaches him and still encourages him even though it's obvious Azami doesn't feel the same way about theater yet. For Banri who went from uninterested to "this is my whole life actually", it must be jarring to look at this past mirror, but even more reasons to take it easy.

God the Omi and Azami scene was so good. (friend was staring into oblivion during this whole scene and then cursed me. I would love to be all awww but i couldn't stop laughing.)

But yeah it was so nice that like, so many of them worked together in trying to help out? like it really shows that they're really all a family and a community now, and they'll try to help with their newest members as well. AND AWW. yeah Summer is happiness itself. always missing them. even Azami cannot resist them.

BUT YEAH Azami's awkwardness aroound Omi is just. man. Exactly as you say, it's just, difficult to approach right. but yeah it does serve to justify why it goes smoothly with Kumon on the other hand. Omimi's portrait… just, absolutely heartbreaking again as always. I wonder if Omi did take a break when he was being a delinquant and therefore is doubling down on being of service because he still feels guilty for this time. or if him joining the theater troupe is his vision of taking a break since it means his family has to handle things on their own. Or maybe like Juza and Taichi he's just being too hard on himself.

JUZA SO GOOD. ALWAYS.

and here's the meat of it! yes that CGI was so good man. You really feel just how important Azami is to Sakyo in that image. Also if i recall correctly, Kumon panicked over the phone so they really all expected it to be bad while it was just, Kumon panicking, which somewhat makes it even funnier to me. Anyway. Sakyo good dad. that's all i'd say. god this scene is so emo. AND YESS SOBS THE CARDS STUFF. IT'S GENUINELY SO EMO. Azami not able to believe Sakyo would care this much while of course Sakyo does, come on and it's just. god this arc. God the whole way you describe Azami's thoughtprocess is bringing me to tears. I feel like this is exactly how he felt it yeah. Sakyo is worrying about how he "betrayed" Azami by leaving while Azami would have been just fine with it if it didn't feel like Sakyo was abandonning him and only thinking of him as a duty, and it's just. godd. and goddd the way you describe the rest i'm just. soso emo. They really have a neat relationship, a hurt neither of them were able to explain to the other and therefore they hurt one another like that, but they genuinely care so much and want to be part of each other's lives and and y'know what Azami maybe Sakyo is the only dad you need.

SUMMER SO COOL YEAH!! And yeah the play is pretty nice, though yeah. I guess with Azami at makeup they tried new hair things but Taichi's hair stayed too red for it all smh! but i guess in a huge theater it might not matter so much.

SAKODA IS SOOOO GOOD, UNSUNG MVP OF THIS EPISODE. yeah for Tenma's "i always repay my debts" it's about how Autumn helped Kumon out, so Summer is going to help Autumn and Azami out as well basically. And yeah Tenma definitely see them as a team, he's Natsugumi's leader and therefore he speaks for and takes debts for all of Natsugumi. What a lad. But Natsugumi did such a good job and i love how hard they helped on this one. truly MVPs.

Also yes i love how all of Autumn was ready to fight except Taichi who was nervous, but i love even more that it's Taichi who comes up with the plan on how to infiltrate the base. Really reminding us that he was with the "Bad Boys" because of spy related crimes by how he can come up with plans to infiltrate stuff, but also i love this so much. It's kinda where i started to have my headcanon of "Taichi is scaryingly smart when it comes to illegal stuff". Like the idea of Taichi messing up say, simple math, but coming up with an infiltration plan that would even have Chikage pause is one of my favorit headcanons ever, and it all started because of this.

BUT YES THE CG WAS SO GODDAMN PERFECT. IT'S ONE OF MY FAV CG EVER IT'S SO FUNNY. And with the song in the back, it was GLORIOUS. i'm glad you liked Respawn!!!! it's such a neat song! Also i need to share this stage video: https://www.tumblr.com/icharchivist/708632707674079232?source=share

BUT YEAH it was so funny and i lOVE that they were dedicated in like, actually playing their animals like. dguys you didn't HAVE to. you're just so funny. AND JUZA'S "BEAAAR", it's so good. I love them so much.

Sakoda MPV <33333 he really does take care of Azami so well it's really soft.

And yeah Summer's exhaustion is a nice detail. god it makes me wonder for how long they went on, a wonder the public didn't get weirded out by it.

AND SOBS YEAH AZAMI'S SPEECH. YEAH. And also the "maybe it's because i have two assholes dad that i turned into such an asshole" with a bright smile on his face. god he's so good.

And eheheh for Shift, but, yeah. yeah…. AND SAKODA REALLY GOOD. and please just let them having some vkei related play it's all good!! it's worth it!! maybe this time none of you would oppose Juza wearing a dress if the whole thing is about being scared he wouldn't look feminine enough smh!! AND LDKJFKLDFJD MASUMI'S RARE INDIVIDUALISTIC MOMENT.

AND THAT ENDING!!! yeah < > are for foreign languages in general, and in their case it's their native one. But finally. Guy teasing just to build up to it now!!!

Ok so, now, Azami's dad.

"my dad who's not Sakyo" i love that we're carrying it on on "Real Dad Sakyo" and "Not Sakyo Dad", it says everything.

And i'm all good with the oversharing as long as you're comfortable with it, and man. Yeah i feel you on that, my family is pretty much the same. I've also had my family like, throw out or destroy my stuff, important stuff, either without my knowledge or in front of me, so to say i felt Azami really hard would be an understatement. It's a whole level of violation that is just, really hard to swallow and forgive. Impossible even.

Honestly the whole writings over the problematic dads of Mankai, in the whole story, is so conflicting to me in general. I feel like. The issue is that most of the bad parents we meet don't have anything else going for them, the only thing we know about them per se is their function in society, and that they're bad with their kids. They're tools for their kids's backstory more than actual people. And i feel like Azami's dad actually sounds like a real person. A conflicting, messed up person with his own issues, and that ends up hurting Azami as a result. There's a difficulty to reconcile how the dad took good care of Sakyo as a kid for instance, to how he behaved with Azami, and it's really unnerving in general. And as such it puts Sakyo in a position of wanting to defend the man because he owes him so much, and it's difficult to blame him for that, but as a result Azami loses one of his major support.

Honestly my feelings about Azami's dad are complicated. I believe he's the one father of Mankai who can actually realistically work on his issues and improves his relationship with Azami. I believe he cares for Azami on some level more than just material (in opposition to how i'd consider Tenma's, who cared for his carreer more, and Masumi's, who only cared when he needed to fill his divorce's loneliness, and well, Misumi's don't care.). So i end up believing there is a possibility still for this relationship to improve in a realistic way that doesn't feel just like a deus ex machina like the others dads have been. but god, this particular brand of neglect and mistreatment truly also struck a core with me and therefore i can't totally go unbiased about it and ends up just, uncomfortable and unsure. It's so complicated.

Mostly i'd say my different approach is that, even if Tenma, Masumi or Misumi wants to work things out with their dad, i would be completely opposed to it. Purely "why the fuck, no, that's not worth it" at them. But if Azami wants to work it out it's like. "Fine. just stay safe, know you can remove yourself from it whenever you feel like it, and remember to be yourself, and bail out anytime something would go out of hands". yaknow?

But yeah i agree i feel like it really puts Azami in a position of hypervigilence. Everything had to always be a secret, calculated, you only show to your father what you're ready to defend, and it would make some stuff like romance or passions in general, stuff that leaves you emotionally vulnerable, as something that's just too much risk for very little reward. So you just closes in completely.

so Sakyo being there and actually showing him that he can just be himself and he doesn't have to worry more ahead of it is meaningful because yeah, like you say, it gives him a parental figure who is actually willing to let him experiment and be free without having to always be prepared to defend why you want to do something.

“after seeing my boss, I get the feeling there’s no dad out there who doesn’t care about his kids.” i actually really hate this line in a sense, i know Sakyo is mostly just, extrapolating to what he's seeing now, but i hate it on a personal level. I do think Azami's dad cares for Azami, but yeah exactly like you said, like Homare's grandma, his own issues means he hurt Azami in ways that are ways too deep for love to just be enough. Sometimes parents love you and hurt you more than a parent who would merely tolerate you. Because they love you so much they want to make sure you're well fitted to the world and ends up messing you up as a result.

But yeah god, i'm glad we're on the same page, you can't say "all dads care for their kids" when you're living with those kids, and Misumi's in particular. This makes me see so red. I get Sakyo has a personal bias here but giod. but yeah Sakyo probably only knows about Masumi's and yeah, Masumi's dad was reasonable at the end that he might work it out. but also like, didn't Sakyo's dad abandon hm and his mom?! that the whole reason his mom had a hard time in life was because of that? bc i don't remember if Sakyo's absent dad is due to abandon or death. Bc if it's abandon, i feel like Sakyo shouldn't be the one saying all dad cares yaknow? I still think that, the Wastonian reasons of it all, is because Sakyo owes so much to the Boss that he tries to rationalize things in his favor yaknow? But the Doylist reason, i think, is mostly that the one weakness of a3's writing is truly with how they manage to create realistic scenarios of abuses and the way it affects the kids, but then they want to solve it with the parents going "my bad", and the problem is that it's not how coping with abuse works yaknow.

SAKODA IS SOOO COOL HERE YEAH. Like man, the glow up Sakoda got in this arc with how much he would go to hell for this kid and fight the devil himself if he had to. god. unsung mvp.

Azami is totally entitled to throw that at his father's face, go Azami go.

" sakyo bowing FOR azami is so good. like I think this scene hit me so hard bc like both sakoda and sakyo who have the lives they do now mostly in thanks to the ginsenkai, are like… sticking up for azami. who is fifteen and thus hasn’t really Given them anything but like his presence. and they care enough about him to stick up for him anyways. " OGHHH SO TRUE. THIS IS REALLY SO. SO GOOD.

and you're right about Azami's collage being the way it was. It makes sense Azami just didn't want to share this vulnerability, especially with Sakyo, at a point where he still believed Sakyo didn't care for him on top of that. It's really just. man.

SOBS AND YEAH FOR THE MAGIC BRUSH….

"and then his bio dad’s response to all of this. “well, aren’t you all just making me out to be some evil villain. you think there’s a parent out there who doesn’t want to support his child’s dreams?” yes. yes absolutely. " DJFHDL LEGIT. GOD.

But yeah i feel you on everything else you mention about Azami's dad it's just. Acting like Azami was at fault for not making it clear he was serious, while also making the environment too hostile for Azami to even come out and say that. He's responsible for how Azami couldn't trust him and then he blames Azami for not trusting him in a sense. It's really frustrating, and it feels like he's deflecting the blame, while also kinda taking the blame itself. I'm glad he's trying to fix things, and i do think he feels guilty, but it's still so sour.

and i'm so sorry your parents made you feel all those things :( but yeah i totally get what you mean on how it relates to Azami. It's just so unfair to put on him the pressure to be the best of the best.

In a sense i feel it fits a lot of the thematic of Autumn of like… The reasons they have Regrets to start with is because of the expectations people have put on them, whenever it is over their abilities (Banri) or their appearance (Juza) or their age (Sakyo) ect. And i feel like Azami is in this situation where he's about to regret it if he doesn't take his own life in between his hands. He has to break free from those expectations and fights for what he wants. but god. He shouldn't have to fight for it. ig you can't expect Yakuza to do things the easy way, but god he really shouldn't have to fight for it it makes me so sad.

"are you looking more at your dead wife than you’re looking at your actual child" so true unfortunately hhhh.

But yeah i hope Azami gets more ways to process everything later on :/

I do think that, out of all the bad fathers' plotline, like i said, this is the most realistic one in a sense, and i do think it's well written in general. And i do think that when it comes to abused/neglected kids and their parents, there is also just… i know online the consensus is "children should just cut ties with their toxic parents" and i get how it's the easiest way to see it, to free yourself for good for the influence, but it comes with its own type of downsides that are rarely discussed and is also a lot of pressure to put on a kid. Obviously, if it's too toxic it SHOULD be the case, like i said, chara like Misumi in particular are better off moving past it, but i feel like, in Azami's situation, where despite all the hurt and all the pain, Azami still definitely see his father as a human whom he wants to work things out with… It's just really complicated. I have really messy feelings about all of this.

I do hope Azami would manage to be more resentful and end up being able to actually discuss with his dad and challenge him like, no, YOUR behavior was truly fucked up, it's not fair to ask of ME to communicate my feelings better when you never tried to listen, yaknow?

Anyway i do feel like this sort of… complicated messy conflicting feelings of resentment and yet wanting to work it out that is in Azami and his father's storyline, for how fucked up his father is, actually works very well and is very realistic, even if there would be wishes for Azami not to bother at all for it. I feel like it allows Azami the grace of having really mixed feelings about all of this without going to one extreme or the next about how to be with his father, and it's something i really personally connected with, as someone with a very difficult relationship with my family, who thought cutting ties was my best solution at some point, and now as an adult, have to deal with how while i could never ever forgive them, the other extreme isn't satisfying to me, on multiple levels. I don't like his father, but i want Azami to be able to work it out in the way he would consider satisfying, and i think that the story is written in a way that leaves this approach possible and addresses it as such, in a way i think the others bad dads of Mankai get too much of a free pass. but man. messy. And with the patern of bad dads getting off too easily this can come up as much more sour than the conflicting feelings it could have actually worked on if the others dads were treated accordingly imo.

Azami's storyarc genuinely did hit hard for me as well because of that. He's not a chara i particularly relate to outside of this specific plotline but this plotline hits not only very deep, but on mixed feelings that are hard for me to face in fiction, so it's always hard to look at.

On the light hearted side, my friend we talked about was cursing me the whole storyarc bc of how he related to Azami and then Azami's portrait happened and he genuinely just went "okay you know what fuck you" and was so emotionally damaged by the mirror that i could forget for a bit my own pain by letting him suffer a bit. Terrible friend moment.

Anyway!!! it's all good, i'm glad you did ramble, it was really nice to read and well, it's interesting things to think about, even if the conclusion isn't easily clear cut.

I'm really glad you liked Azami and his story!!!

And ehehe Winter soon <3333

And "Conquering Misoshiosa Island!" first!

Take care and always feel free to ramble <333

[iriemorning]

within the first month of being together with my partner, i was living and breathing inside this bubble of making him happy; to clear any doubts and worries left in him since we had a long, rough past. because that was finally it. the right timing. we’ve become committed. but we had so many rainshowers before the rainbows showed up. there were tons of assuring messages back and forth. it’s us against the problem, not each other.

that bubble of me resolving things was so big and foggy that when it finally popped, i hadnt realized all along that i was cruising right in the middle of his sea. the deep waters i had once seen in my wildest dreams were already right before my eyes, embracing the whole fiber and sinew of my being. until now, i couldnt believe that i was listening to such pure feelings coming from the kindest, cutest, loveliest and purest person ive ever known in this lifetime. my salty tears joined the crystal clear waters, and i didnt want anything else at that moment, god forbid, but for the waves to take me to him, only him.

im not used on being at the receiving end of such great love and feelings, that when i finally experienced it, i finally understood what true romance is. like what was always shown in my favorite stories. how people sacrifice and do stupid things for the sake of their loved ones, unconditionally.

and that was my first eureka moment in the dawn of June.

i love my man truly, madly, deeply.

[arainesque]

OKAY sorry ive just seen the reply to the first post and it's because i have notifs on 😔👎 i also just obsessively check ur blog so like. ya. but no omfg u do not understand the JOY in my blood when i got that notif. i see "arainesque has made a new post" or whatever it says and i JUMP FOR JOY

PLEASE!!!! this is the purest thing I've ever been sent. 🥺

I probably get a thousand times the joy when u send me an ask, it's so lovely. Thank you for keeping up with the antics, I appreciate u sm ❤️❤️❤️

[nako-doodles]

Yoongi playing his guitar (he was singing Telepathy) and his lil kitty wanted to join him

I ALMOST SNORTED OUT MY MANGO AT YOONGIS ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ all this decorating's only good for the landlord ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ IM CACKLING AHAHAHAAHHA

[gunsatthaphan]

THE ANNIVERSARY SHUT THE FKCU UP JKHDSD 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺

[choicesarehard]

#BLM Donation Art Commission: Vera Reimonenq by @artofmimi

[queertozier]

Bill Hader meets Keith Morrison