#that having the other juniors accept him and care about him and genuinely want to be his friends is going to open so many doors for him

[twistedappletree]

It kinda makes me sad when people say Jin Ling is doomed emotionally and that the only chance of him maturing, healing and becoming a functioning adult relies solely on his immediate family who caused him so much trauma in the first place.

I think it irks me because I grew up in a similar situation but what helped me improve and heal was actually the friends I made who became like family to me. I don’t think people realize just how big of an impact the other juniors’ friendship can have on Jin Ling’s journey in life. They’re not just a bunch of silly kids, they’re just as important and helpful and powerful as the adult MCs in their own ways, especially when it comes to Jin Ling.

Friends really can save your life and I genuinely think our little peony is gonna make it just fine with the other juniors by his side. 💛

[leonardalphachurch]

GOOGLE SEARCH: HOW TO TALK TO OTHER DADS REDDIT

Lavernius Tucker and Oliver "North" Dakota are two single fathers forced to brave their most difficult challenge as a dad yet: making small talk with other parents. Not many survive this harrowing ordeal, but the bonds forged through this traumatic experience create lifelong friendships. Or, perhaps, even something more...?

A modern single dads Tucker/North AU written for @rvbrarepairweekdos Day 3: AUs. Warnings for discussions of sex/masturbation, but no actual sexual content.

I don't know why I wrote this, either. I don't even ship this. I suppose the wheel compelled me...

Also avaliable to read on Ao3.

***

“Sooo, uh, what do you… do with your time?"

“Oh, I’m a pediatric dentist.”

“No, I know that, I meant, uh,” This sucked. Tucker had zero things in common with these parents at this School for Gifted Children that had scouted Junior earlier this year. Most of them barely gave him the time of day, but this guy, Oliver Dakota, was insistent on staying the entire time his kid was hung out with Junior. After multiple false starts, Tucker shamefully ducked away for a second to look up ‘HOW TO TALK TO OTHER DADS REDDIT’ and found, “I meant, what do you do with your free time?”

“Oh,” North smiled warmly at the other man, then looked back to the door to Junior’s room. Left open a crack— he would have preferred it to be open all the way, but Lavernius had insisted the kids be given privacy. He seemed like a genuine and nice man, if a little awkward. North appreciated him and Theta being allowed into his home. Still, he wasn’t that interested in talking; compromising on the door meant he needed to keep a closer ear out for if Theta needed him. “I don’t really have much free time. With a kid and work, it’s like two full time jobs. But it’s all worth it for Theta.”

“Right.” God, this guy was giving Tucker nothing. Every single topic went back to Theta. And Tucker loved his kid, but being a single dad meant so much of his life was already dedicated to him. If he was talking to another adult he at least wanted to talk about something adult for once. “You gotta do something with your time, though. You into sports?”

“Haven’t really kept up with any lately. Theta was on the soccer team when they were younger, but we’ve decided to focus on academics in middle school.”

“Okay… Watched any good TV lately?”

“I mostly just catch snippets of whatever cartoon Theta has on.”

“……..Do you play games?”

“Oh, Theta had me join them in playing a little farm game— what’s it called, star, starting… ‘Starting Farming?’ No, no, it’s definitely ‘star’… ‘Starry Farmy?’”

“Stardew Valley?”

“That’s it! Do you play it? It’s very cute.”

“Yeah, uh, not, really my type of game. What about stuff you do without your kid?”

“Ah,” That was kind of a strange question. Most conversations North had with other parents were all about their kids— mostly trying to constantly one up the other’s accomplishments. To ask about things that he did without Theta? Why did he even care about that? “Well, I read alone?"

“Awesome! What are you reading?” Tucker didn’t give a shit about books, but he would grasp onto literally anything this dude was offering.

“Mostly child psychology books. Though lately it’s been a lot YA novels. I try to read things Theta is interested before they do so we can have discussions about them. And to make sure there’s nothing too inappropriate for their age.”

Tucker was stunned. This guy could not be serious. Was everything about his kid? “Don’t you do things with your friends?”

“Ahh,” North’s smile got a little tighter. “We had to move away from my hometown a few years ago; the schools there weren’t great for Theta, and then they got accepted here…”

“You haven’t had friends for years?”

“I have friends.” North was taken aback. What kind of person asked something like that so bluntly?

“But you don’t spend time with them.”

“I… see them often enough. When I visit home. For the holidays.” North didn’t know why he felt so defensive over this.

“Do you…” Tucker hesitated, not wanting to overstep with a guy he barely knew but also fucking floored at what this dude’s life seemed to be, “do anything for yourself that isn’t about your kid?”

North balked. “Of course I do! And, the- this question is flawed. Taking care of Theta is something I do for myself.”

“You can’t just only live for your kid, dude. There’s shit you gotta do without them.”

North twitched a little at the swear word. “There’s nothing I want to do that I would need to exclude Theta from.”

“What about sex?”

“SHHHHH!!” North panickedly looked over at the door, “Lower your voice if you’re talking about that!” He half yelled, half whispered.

“Dude. Does your kid not know about sex yet??” Tucker asked, not lowering his voice even slightly.

“Of course Theta knows what sex is!” North said, still whispering. “Teaching age appropriate sex education is incredibly important to a child’s understanding of their own body and safety. Theta knows exactly what leading child psychologists recommended an 11 year old knowing.”

“Okay.” Jesus Christ. This dude needed help bad.

North frowned. He could feel the judgement coming from Lavernius. Other parents always thought they could butt into situations that didn’t concern them. “I do not need your input on how I take care of my child.”

“I don’t care about how you take care of your kid, man, I care about how you take care of your you.”

“What?” North had no idea what he meant by that.

“Have you had sex a single time since Theta was born?”

“What?!” Seriously, how could he just ask something like that?

“You know what, not even sex. When was the last time you jerked off? Please tell me you’ve had an orgasm in the past decade.”

“This- this is a highly inappropriate conversation to be having with our kids in the other room” North had no idea how they ended up here, but he desperately wanted to move on.

“Not even once?”

“I don’t want Theta to overhear this conversation.”

“They’re playing a game, they’re not gonna hear, trust me. Kids don’t listen to their parents talking even when you want them to, they don’t give a shit what adults say to each other.”

“Theta listens to me.”

“Uh huh.” They needed to move away from the topic of their kids. Tucker needed to help this man. “Listen to me, man. I need you to do something for me.”

“What?”

Tucker grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes. Or at least, he tried to. God, this man was way too fucking tall. And actually looking into his eyes— Jesus, they were piercing. Tucker didn’t think this kind of blond hair blue-eyed motherfucker actually existed. Terrifying.

“Tonight, when you go home, once you do whatever weird nighttime ritual you do to put Theta to bed,” Oliver started to make a noise in disagreement but Tucker pushed past it, “I need you to go to your room. I need you to be alone. I need you to get comfortable. And I need you to jack off.”

North had no fucking idea how to respond to that.

“Trust me. I have a friend, his girlfriend died, right? And for like a year afterwards he was so fucking miserable. Until one day I was like, ‘You NEED to blow off some steam, if you know what I mean. Bow chicka bow wow.’ Next day he was like a new man.”

“I don’t. know.“ North thought there were probably some other reasons his friend may have been miserable, there.

“I know, you’ve been out of the game, you don’t know how to find good porn. I got you, I’ll send you some.”

“I wasn’t—“

“I got you.” Tucker was already pulling out his phone, thinking of some good beginner porn he could send Oli’s way. “What are you into? You seem kinda vanilla but sometimes vanilla looking chicks are into the weirdest shit, y’know?”

“That’s— I don’t— this isn’t— I’m. Gay.” That wasn’t really something North tended to share with other parents, but they were so far outside of the kinds of conversations he tended to have anyway, any normal ways to respond had completely left his brain.

“You’re—” Tucker looked him up and down. Huh. Maybe he should’ve been able to guess that. “Uh. That’s fine. I have gay shit I can send you.”

“You have gay shit.” Right. Okay. North was pretty sure he just swore for the first time in years. What the fuck was happening?

“Yeah, y’know, I’m… uh, it doesn’t matter what I am. But I can get whatever you want.”

“Okay.” Okay. North’s brain was starting to catch up to where they were. Was Lavernius… flirting with him? Was this what flirting was now? He was so lost.

He should probably set a boundary.

“I… do not want you to send me porn.”

“Okay,” Tucker said, putting his phone back in his pocket. “You got it handled yourself?”

“Yes, I,” North let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, “I can handle myself.”

“Good. ‘Cause the shit you were saying before was sad, man. I know we barely know each other but, c’mon, single dads gotta have each others backs, right?”

“Yeah, um. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Tucker smiled at him.

North liked his smile.

(continued in reblogs)

[bogkeep]

once again bravely attempting to continue my readthrough of Robot Book.

when it's not doing backstory exposition, it's actually not so bad. there's a very fun dynamic between the protagonist and another robot who tried to poach her for parts, and who are now forced to work together. like that's genuinely compelling and i want to see where it goes.

Unfortunately the backstory exposition chapters make me wanna scream into a pillow. the book tries to be smart and clever but is deeply unaware of like... people and dynamics that exist in the real world. it could have done many interesting things with the world building, but it can't, because it wants robots that act and speak like cowboys and talk of god and heaven and hell. that could have worked if it had just handwaved the past away and didn't go into the backstory of how we got here. maybe this whole thing is like an alternative history thing a la fallout where the robot revolution happened in the early 1900ds or something, because at this point it's the only thing that could make sense.

weird backstory thing #1:

so the protag, pre apocalypse, belonged to an old man who dies in his sixties. he had a wife twenty years his junior who he had married twenty years prior, which most people in our world acknowledge as Kinda Creepy and Mayhaps A Red Flag. but okay. then we find out that this wife, while admiring how her husband chose to age, used anti-aging technology on herself so that she looked like a twenty-something year old for the duration of the marriage. it is described as "a gift she gave to her husband" which is such a chillingly creepy sentence it literally gives me goosebumps. it's says her husband never asked for it and also that she was not a type to care about what others think. i think this book is trying to portray this as romantic, that she loved her husband deeply and thought of him often and fondly after her death and never remarried. THIS IS KINDA WEIRD RIGHT. like the way it is presented without zero awareness of real life dynamics is weirding me out. will this be brought up later with sinister implications or are we just accepting this????? time will tell.

weird backstory thing #2

i already complained about the robots choosing to have genders despite the robots also not caring about "human values" anymore. this book is from 2017, so i get that it isn't like, particularly aware of transgender philosophies, but it also Could have been. anyway, there was another passage about Robot Gender. with warning for transphobia:

head in hands. didn't even try.

there's so much interesting commentary ripe for the picking but this book just Doesn't. just will not

[incorrectinfinity]

I think about Narancia way too much

Yall ever think about the inherent horror of body swaps? I have been thinking about that quite a bit for no particular reason.

Things happen to you, things are taken or given or changed or broken - but no matter how you look at it, what its status is, if it has been changed, or how you may feel about it, your body is your own through and through. You will always have your body. So like. What if you woke up one day as someone else. That'd be, at least to me, an inherently horrifying and uncomfortable experience.

That's why I find Narancia's death so uncomfortable. Not only did he die, but he wasn't even given the grace of dying in his own body. And beyond him, imagine being Giorno in that moment.

You joined this group a week ago and you're beginning to find your place in it, despite the changes and losses you've been through you are now in some form bonded to this group.

Then you see a friend in your body become completely mutilated by a force none of you could've seen coming.

I literally would not be able to go on living. The sight of seeing one's own body dead must be fucking horrific, nevermind knowing that someone you care about died in your place. I wouldn't be able to live the same life, I'd feel like a person trapped inside someone else's skin, someone who deserved this body more than I do because if I had to give up my body for someone else's life I would readily do that without hesitation.

The first and only time we see Giorno cry is when he tried to heal Narancia.

Narancia Ghirga is a character that refuses to leave my head because I know him. He was in my class last year annoying the shit out of our teachers. He was an obnoxious Freshman in my year who would tick everyone off while genuinely meaning well. He's the gullible and eager to please Sophomore who tries his best to be friends with everyone. He's the Junior who got in with the wrong crowd and went missing in the middle of the year. He's the Senior who now goes to a different school.

He was a student, a thug, a mafioso, a goofball, a nuisance, an idiot, a corpse, a kid.

He's just a kid.

Giorno wasn't the only one with dreams. Narancia wanted to go to school, he wanted to reconnect with Fugo, he wanted to be closer friends with Trish, he wanted to follow Bruno wherever he lead him.

He wasn't able to do those things, he wasn't even able to die as himself. He died as the rando who joined this group like 6 days ago who seemed fun enough but had a goal in mind that he couldn't let go. He died as the person who he'd saved and who had saved him, a natural leader who was always determined to overcome adversity. He died as his stupidly creative friend who would turn cars into frogs and brooches into tongues, who couldn't even stand to touch Abbacchio when he died out of refusing to accept his death.

He died as Giorno Giovanna.

Narancia Ghirga wittnessed the death of someone brilliant. He wasn't much at a glance but once you uncovered his wit it was impossible to overlook. He was endlessly loyal and amiable, overflowing with empathy and the ability to see himself in others. He was able to see those for who they truly were, not for who they wanted you to see. He shined like a bright star, thinking fast and acting faster. Narancia Ghirga heard the drip, drip, dripping of blood on the cold ancient pavement. He felt the night air freeze with dread. He looked up and saw himself mangled, he looked up and saw Giorno Giovanna dead.

The body that won the war, the body that saved Trish's life, the body that became the new Don, the body that wielded the most powerful stand of the known universe - that body had no owner.

Because just as Narancia had, Giorno Giovanna died on April 6, 2001.

[sophiamarieispinkbunny-chan]

ED 2 In-depth analysis (Or me overanalyzing anime’s decision in everything and long post again yes, I just got so much thoughts, sorry for making you read a lot, but anyway I hope you enjoy)

I just want to point out 3 things that I’ve noticed in this ED

1.The turning into the light

In the first part we see montages of Loid, Anya, Yor, Bond, Yuri and Fiona with the light shining on all of them. However, it was only Loid, Anya, Yor, Bond and Yuri who were facing the light. See the difference in these?

Fiona seems like she doesn’t care to turn into the light source, she had her back turned into it and her eyes closed. And even though Yuri was facing the light it was only half his face that was lit, he wasn’t completely turning his head to it. Meanwhile it was Bond, Yor, Loid and Anya who turned their heads and faced the light directly, illuminating their whole face (even though we didn’t see Yor it’s evident she glanced straight into the light source)

We all know that light, generally speaking, represents warmth and happiness which the people shown in the montage never get to experience because of the tragedies they face, Loid and Fiona (because of the war and traumatic experiences that led them to being spies) Yor and Yuri (The loss of parents at their young age) Anya and Bond (Because they were experimented on)

However, the Forgers, despite being formed in the foundations of lies, secrets and deception, found that warmth with each other. The light shines full on them because they are the ones who experience that light the most since they became a family. Fiona has her back turned into the light because she wasn’t accepting that what the Forgers have is real while Yuri is still hesitant to accept her sister’s newfound family as her new source of familial warmth.

In addition, I found the symbolism of the light in the allegory of the cave quite similar. The prisoners in that cave are chained, they are unable to move, and so do the characters in this montage. Something’s holding them in seizing the light but the Forgers were the only ones who stepped out of the shadows to follow the light. The light represents self-discovery and enlightenment and each of the Forger family experiences that the more they spend time with each other. Yuri hasn’t had that kind of self-reflection (But in the manga he’s slowly starting to, thankfully) while Fiona seems like she isn’t interested in that.

2.The Sitting and Standing

I therefore conclude that WIT and Cloverworks hates Fiona more than the manga does. They just kept on emphasizing how much of an outsider she is in this family in this ED😂.

I noticed that in this turning around the house scenario, in this one Yor is sitting in the chair while chatting with Yuri. Both are sitting on the chair.

Then let’s skip first to Franky and Anya, they were also both on the chair while talking to each other.

Both of these duos are within each other’s eye level while they are talking to each other and both seem to have mutual understanding and are genuinely having fun.

Then let’s go back to Loid talking with Fiona, and notice how, even with that open chair in front of him, he was not sitting with her at the table. He is also standing just like his wife in the background. They weren’t on eye level indicating the standing one as the superior between the two of them.

Clearly, this emphasizes that Fiona is a mere junior colleague in Loid’s eyes and will never be someone he could have a mutual understanding with. (Anime is really putting Fiona in her place😂)

3.The Colors of the Clothes

This is the one that inspired me to revisit this ED because the decision about the color of the clothes bugs me the first time I saw the ED. Why does Yor wear blue in here?

I know that we’ve seen Yor wear blue in the anime but we’ve never seen this particular outfit in this color in the series. So why choose to dress her in blue here?

It’s because it’s connected to that chair analysis I recently posted. The one sitting in the designer chair featured in the volume and the one sitting in the same chair in the comedic inside cover have mutual understanding of each other the most. Like in Volume 1, Anya is sitting in Loid’s chair, Volume 2, Yor is in Anya’s chair, and in Volume 3, Loid sits in Yor’s chair. I've explained it in detail here. And they are exactly in the same arrangement in this ED but it’s their clothes that match the color of the eyes of the one who pays attention to them the most.

Anya’s eyes matches Loid’s green sweater

Anya is fond of spies like Loid and she thinks he’s the coolest, Anya often read his thoughts more compared to any other characters in the series.

Yor’s eyes matches Anya’s red dress

Yor is the one who often looks after Anya and the one who keeps her safe most of the time

And the last, Loid’s eyes matches Yor’s blue top

Yor caught Loid's attention when they first met and he only has his eyes set on her, not on any other woman because for him she’s the only fitting to be Anya’s mom and of course, his wife and no one could ever replace her in that role.

They were also in the same color scheme when Yor wore something blue in Episode 10.

Even if the secrets they have kept them hidden in the dark from time to time, they know they  would always have a light to go home to that is just on the other side of the door and I think that’s a wonderful subtle representation of their relationship in this ED.

Addition: I wonder what these two dorks are talking about before heading to bed. They sure do love talking with each other don’t they? Maybe sharing a room could help them lengthen their late night conversations as long as they want right? I don’t know, just a suggestion.

This post longer turned longer than I've intended, I planned to talk about the color of the clothes only. Sorry I have no self control. But do let me know if you think analysis makes sense.

[dannythedog]

Collage by @stardust-chords-enthusiast

Pairing: Sam Kiszka x fem!reader

Word Count: 11.1k

Summary: You've grown up with Sam Kiszka as a best friend. As the two of you get older, you realize your feelings may be morphing into something more. What will happen when Sam finally invites you to the annual Kiszka lake trip where a string of crimes have taken place?

Warnings: mentions of marijuana, alcohol consumption, swearing, body image issues, talk of death

A/N: I just want to thank @gretavanfran for encouraging me to run with this idea and offering to help me write. We've never written something like this before so we're a little nervous to post this lol but feedback is appreciated and let us know if you want a part two!! We have so many more ideas for where this can go and would love to share with you guys

_

“Let’s go!” Sam calls from the front door of your house. The patience in his voice is wearing thin and it makes you zip your bag faster, accidentally pinching the skin of your forefinger. It’s time for the annual lake trip the Kiszka family takes at the beginning of summer. Sam usually opted to take his other best friend Danny, leaving no room for you, but this year there was an extra space. You’ve known Sam since seventh grade, the both of you meeting on the junior debate team. He was the only student who actually challenged you and he liked your passion, so you two quickly became inseparable.  

Heaving your duffle up, you rush to the door. “Sorry,” you breathe. “Just had to make sure I didn’t forget anything.”.

 “Yeah, yeah, just give me the bag so we can get going.” Reaching for the bag on your shoulder, Sam lets out a breathy chuckle.

“Wait, Sam, I ha-,” you were quickly interrupted by the long haired man.

“I already checked the back door, walked through the house and unplugged everything. Bug, everything’s going to be okay. Learn how to relax a little, alright?” 

“I’m always relaxed,” you mumble in a grumpy tone. 

“Oh really? When’s the last time you genuinely had fun without having to worry about anything?” He got you there, you were always anxious - anxiety was practically your name and overthinking was your game. You couldn’t help but think about if everything was going to plan, constantly worrying about safety. Except for when you're with a certain golden retriever boy. Sammy. He was fearless and lived life without a care in the world, that’s why you believed that you two quickly became friends. Opposites attract after all - he made the overthinking disappear in you and you made him pay more attention to the things that surrounded him.

After tossing the bag into the back seat of his beat up Jeep Cherokee where his own luggage rests, he clambers into the driver’s spot. “My mom’s gonna be so mad if we’re super late. She only agreed to let me drive as long as I was semi on time.”

“Well, maybe you should’ve let me drive,” you tease. The entire Kiszka family had a bad habit of being late, something that irked you to your core. Turning your head to look at the man in the driver seat, you watch in amusement as he lets out a scoff, throwing the car in reverse. He places an arm on your seat and checks for traffic both ways before entering the road.

“What, so we could be there four hours early? Leave at six am? No thanks, I’d rather sleep.”

“You know, backing into a main street is illegal right?” Now turning to face you, Sam dramatically rolls his eyes and flashes you that beaming smile of his.

“Bug, I want you to relax on this vacation. Mommy and Daddy won't be there to make sure you dot your I’s and cross your T’s.” 

As much as you hated to admit it- Sam was right. It’s been forever since you’ve actually relaxed. On top of your chronic over thinking - your parents watched you like a hawk. They always told you the strictness was because they wanted you to get into a top of the line college. Ever since you got the acceptance letter from the University of Michigan, you were expecting them to ease up. Wrong - if anything they tightened the reins more. Even though you were eighteen and freshly graduated high school, you had to practically get on your hands and knees begging them to allow you to accompany Sam all while reassuring them a million times that Sam’s parents were going to be there. 

“I am relaxed. Let’s get going. You know we'll never hear the end of us being late from Jake,” you breathe out, crossing your arms across your chest. As if his smile couldn’t get any bigger, it was practically ear to ear as he watched you slowly come to the realization he was right. 

“Aye aye, Captain. No more funny business. Wouldn’t want to keep Jacob waiting,” he replies to you in a teasing tone, while throwing the car into drive.

A warm breeze pours through the windows as the journey starts. It rustles the haphazardly placed locks on Sam’s head, a messy bun being his go to for the summer, and it somehow manages to make him look softer. Your eyes trail down to his plump lips, only landing there briefly before moving onto his outfit. He dons a denim button up that only has the bottom few buttons done, a pretty tiger’s eye pendant resting on the exposed skin of his chest, a pair of the tiniest khaki shorts you’ve ever seen, and of course his trusty Birkenstocks. While his outfit was casual, it still made you feel a little frumpy. You just wore a pair of black biker shorts and a tie-dye shirt, two sizes too big, with some black Tevas. 

“So why couldn’t Danny go this year? Not that I’m complaining, I’m really happy to be invited.”

His brown eyes glance over to you for a moment, lips forming into a small frown. “His family planned their own vacation. It’s kind of ass that I’ve never invited you before, huh? I’m sorry that I’m an idiot.”

You wave him off, trying to play it like you never felt an ache in your chest when you watched the family drive off every year. “I get it, it’s a boys thing. No biggie.”

He still looks guilty despite your casual reassurance, but doesn’t press any further. Sam really did feel bad that he never invited you before. He wasn’t sure if you would like hanging out with him and his family for a week straight, emphasis on his brothers. His older twin siblings could be a lot sometimes. Josh was a little over-friendly and Jake could be too cold. Inviting anyone on vacation was asking for trouble - especially a girl and most definitely if that girl was you. The twins have known you for just as long as their little brother had. But Sam knew that they wouldn’t let up on the teasing - it would be relentless.

 Unbeknownst to you, they would wait until you left the room or have your back turned and would always make kissy faces at the younger boy - mocking him about how in love he was with you and how you were his ‘little secret girlfriend’.  Sam could take the teasing one day at a time, but he felt like a whole week’s worth of teasing would be too much for him to handle. So, he always opted to bring Danny. Plus, he wanted you all to himself, but no one had to know that.

“Hey, you know what I brought?” He grins a little too widely. “Check my backpack. The small pocket in the front.”  

You reach into the back, very obvious suspicion settling across your face. Pulling his beat up tie-dye bag into the front with care was not an easy feat. It was stuffed full and piled under a bunch of other luggage. With just a bit of grumbling, you dig into that small pocket and pull out a baggie filled with joints.

 “Sam!” you hiss. “Did you forget your parents are going to be with us?”

He reaches over and gives your arm a gentle shove. “See? This is what I was talking about earlier. You never have fun without worrying about everything.”

 “I’m sorry,” you sigh and put the baggie back. “You’re totally right. I don’t know why I got weird about it.”

Your face flushes and you feel embarrassed. He was right. Why couldn’t you let loose and just enjoy this time being close with Sam? Don’t ruin this for yourself. 

“Hey,” he says softly, that same frown from earlier returning.

“No, it’s okay. You are right. It’s not often I’ll admit that, so take it while you can,” you grin.

The few hour drive is peaceful, filled with laughter and good music. Sam never fails to keep you entertained. That was another checkmark on the long list of things you adore about him. You weren’t sure how Sam didn’t realize you were falling for him. You didn’t try to make it obvious, but you figured he would at least see the little things - the way you’d always make sure to have his favorite snacks around, wake up at absurd hours to make Walmart trips, how you’d do just about anything he asked. Honestly, you’d probably follow this man to the depths of hell if he asked you to.   

“Where are we?” you garble, not noticing that you drifted off at some point, finally waking when Sam turns onto a rather bumpy back road.

“About five minutes from the house. Our place is in a pretty secluded spot, not many neighbors.”

The road is covered with rocks and potholes, making it impossible for your bodies to stay still, rocking side to side with each bump and sway of the vehicle. Lush trees fill the spaces on either side of the road and overtake your senses. It’s hard to see through the thick greenness of the vegetation, but it’s beautiful and makes everything feel so serene. Like you weren’t still in your home state of Michigan. The trees began to thin the closer you got to the house, opening to a small clearing with a great view of the sparkling lake. You could see an expanse of sandy beaches spread out at the back of the property with a hole dug out near the house as a makeshift fire pit.  There’s a small dock a bit further down with an old rowboat attached to it, gently bobbing in the mild waves. 

Sam parks his Cherokee next to the family’s Suburban and shoots you an excited smile. “Ready for the chaos?”

“As I’ll ever be,” you scrunch your nose at him. 

The both of you pull yourselves from the car to collect your bags. The thick summer air soothes the goosebumps that formed from the air conditioning that Sam insisted on blasting. He claimed the AC barely worked at the lake house. 

“OI!” a voice rings from above you, disrupting the gentle call of some sparrows. Your eyes flick up to see the long haired twin  leaning dangerously over the railing of a balcony. 

“It’s about time you made it!” Jake spins around and heads back inside before either of you can answer. Your eyes trail from the balcony to take in the rest of the house. It’s a moderately sized cabin-esque looking building with sloping green roofs that match the color of the doors and window frames. The rustic vibe is a little cheesy and slightly outdated, but it’s welcoming. 

“Hi, Bug,” Jake grins when he emerges from the front door. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

 You think you can hear Sam grumbling about how that’s his nickname for you, but you ignore it. 

“C’mon inside. We saved a room for you two.” Jake takes the bag off your arm and offers a side hug, giving you a gentle squeeze. 

You flush at the thought of sharing a room and possibly a bed with Sam - you hadn’t considered that when you agreed to come along. His parents were pretty lenient but you figured you’d be sleeping on one of the couches. 

The house offers reprieve from the unforgiving sun. Despite being quite cold only minutes ago, you can feel a bead of sweat trickle down the back of your neck. The inside isn’t as cheesy as you thought it would be. There were picture frames hung up along the walls, displaying memories from previous trips. One of young Sam catches your eye and brings a small smile to your face. He’s submerged in the lake with a bright orange life jacket on that looks like it could strangle him at any moment, smiling widely with little gaps in his teeth. 

“We’re here!” Sam calls out and ventures towards the bedrooms. 

Just like clockwork, the shorter twin pops his head into the hallway. “This one is your room.” 

The three of you meander to the room Josh was currently in, only half wondering why he was in your room anyways. 

“Shut up!” Sam gasps and almost drops his bag, trying to think of something else to say but his mouth just hangs open. Out of the corner of your eyes you could see the twins beaming - not wanting to be left out, you poke your head into the room and see a lanky, curly haired man lounging across the queen sized mattress. 

“Hey, guys,” Danny says with a shit eating grin. “Heard you might have extra room.”

Finally over the shock of seeing his best friend, Sam turns to his brothers with confusion written all over his face.

“Mom and Dad didn’t come this year. They figured since we’re ‘all grown up’ that we’d want a week here alone. We coordinated the Danny part just because it was fun,” Jake speaks nonchalantly. 

Sam simply can’t contain his excitement any longer and bounces on his best friend, rambling on about how much fun they’re going to have.

“That was sweet of you guys,” you murmur to Jake, watching as his face twinges pink. He simply shrugs and sets your bags near the dresser. Once the enthusiasm calms a bit, the other three clear out of the room to let you and Sam unpack. Your eyes travel over to the queen sized bed over and over, worry settling deep into your chest.

You clear your throat. “I can take the couch if you want. Or I could see if maybe Danny wanted to switch rooms.”

Sam doesn’t even look up from putting his shirts into a drawer as he chuckles a bit. “Why would you do that?”

Your face scrunches in embarrassment. You’re not sure why you’re embarrassed about this discussion. It’s just Sam. Just your best friend who you are hopelessly falling for and now have to share a bed with. Not a big deal at all.

“Just wanted to give you options, that’s all,” you say a little too defensively, praying that he couldn’t see the pink blush starting to cover your face. 

“I think you’re trying to get away from me. I can’t stop you from taking the couch, but I promise I really don’t mind if you sleep with me. In fact, I think I’d like it if you joined me.” Sam flashes you a smile as he finishes unpacking. With that he walks out of the room, leaving you to internally panic about what his words could possibly imply. Was he just flirting with you? Or perhaps it was just your feelings muddying his statement.

Fingers tug on the hem of your shirt, startling you out of your panicked daze. It’s Jake inquiring if you’ll come out to swim with everyone since it’s ‘hot as balls outside.’ Not giving you an option to say no - or to even give him an answer, he makes his way over to the door and slams it shut. Rolling your eyes at the loud noise, you head over to your bags, silently thankful you brought your good bikini.  Lifting up your shirt in hopes of changing into the swimwear sooner than later, you found yourself being interrupted by someone clearing their throat. Startled by the intruder, you whip around at a lightning speed to find Sam and Danny casually standing in the doorway. 

“Don’t you guys know how to knock?” you huff out at the boys. 

“Sorry, we didn’t expect you to be changing already. Sammy boy just needs to grab his trunks,” Danny speaks softly, shooting you an apologetic smile as he makes his way into the room sitting down on the bed. Sam, on the other hand, seemed to be frozen in his spot. Geez, what is up with him today. 

“You going to come in or are you going to keep standing there like a creep?” Danny chuckles out at Sam. It worked. You watch Sam as he keeps his eyes on the floor, heading over to the dresser, reaching in one of the drawers and pulling out his favorite pair of red bottoms. 

“I…Sorry. C’mon Danny. Let’s go downstairs.” Sam ignores your eye contact and walks over to the long haired curly man sitting on the bed, pulling him by his shirt sleeve over to the door and making sure to close it. 

Deciding not to think about the way Sam was acting, you quickly change into the baby blue and white floral print bikini. Standing in front of the mirror, you take a second to study your reflection. This swimsuit was new and if you were being honest with yourself, you were absolutely terrified to bring it at first. After all, this was supposed to be a ‘family trip’ and you didn’t want to have Sam’s parents look at you in an ill mannered light. Why would they? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact your boobs were practically spilling out of the cups and the bottoms are leaving little to the imagination. 

You couldn’t help but to have some insecurities cross your mind when you thought about if Sam would like this specific suit on you. Sure, you’ve been around him countless times in the water, but you always wore a one piece. After graduating high school, you felt yourself trying to be a little more bold in your outfit choices. Not to mention that Sam always likes his girls to be on the skinnier side and you just so happened to be a little bit more curvy.  Fuck it, what do you have to lose. You trot down the stairs, slowly building up more and more courage to walk out to the lake where you could see the four boys splashing around through the window.  

“Ooh mama! Looking good!” Josh yells as you approach the lake, making the other  three boys turn around to take a glance at your form.  

Their watchful eyes make you feel bashful, especially after Sam’s weird reaction in the bedroom. You try to fight the urge to cover your body up but it’s slowly winning. Every dip, bump, and stretch mark suddenly feels like a neon sign that reads, ‘Look at me! I’m insecure!’. Feeling defeated, you grab your towel and begin to wrap it around your torso as walk slowly to the beach.

The sun’s rays are vicious. Sweat is already beading at your brow and the tops of your shoulders feel hot. A small breeze ripples through the trees and gently caresses over your heating skin, giving slight relief. 

“Put your towel down! Get in!” Danny calls out as he splashes water at an unsuspecting Jake. This earns him a punch to the shoulder and a small grumble.

You hesitate, insecurities still running wildly through your mind. What if they laughed at you? What if Sam was disgusted by your flaws? You knew you wouldn’t be able to handle that. 

“Hey, let me see you,” Josh encourages. “I’ve never seen that bathing suit on you before. Is it new? Do a little twirl for me!”

“It’s just a bathing suit,” Sam bites at his older brother. This makes you clutch your towel tighter to your body and cast your eyes to the sand. You knew it. Sam thinks you look hideous. 

Watching the boys in front of you - you couldn’t possibly think of actually going into the water and exposing yourself to them. You know that Sam takes after his older brothers when it comes to finding his type in women. 

Plopping down into the grass and giggling to yourself, you watch as Josh rolls his eyes and smacks the back of his younger brother’s head.

Trudging through the shallow water in your direction, he lifts his chin as a beckoning gesture. “C’mon, Bug. Get in the water.” Your knuckles were practically white from how hard you were gripping the towel now that Josh was stalking through the sand.

“Josh, I don’t feel like it.” 

“I will carry you in there if I have to.” 

“You and I both know that’s not a possibility,” you spit out at him, trying not to let your insecurities show. Instead of replying, Josh moves even closer to you and starts looking like he was trying to figure out where to place his hands to hoist you up. 

“No. No. No. Stop right there,” you protest. 

“Relax. I’m not going to hurt you. Just come into the water.” Josh looks to you with pleading eyes. Fuck those, baby cow eyes get you everytime. Reluctantly nodding your head, you get up - but not without making sure the only thing keeping your sanity was wrapped around you securely. 

“You won’t need that in the water,” Josh hums at you as he takes your hand in his, leading you over to the dock. 

“I know. I just want to leave it on the dock.” He looks like he doesn’t want to believe you at first, eyeing you suspiciously, but ultimately choosing to drop the issue at hand. 

While you’re distracted with Josh, Sam’s eyes are glued to the two of you. What the hell is he doing? Why are his hands on her like that? Sam didn’t care that you were friendly with his brothers. He actually loves that you get along with them, but his fear was steadily coming to fruition. You were his person and his brothers seemed to have no problem robbing you from him just as they did with Daniel. 

As he watches you sit on the edge of the dock he hopes and prays you’ll look at him, but only sees your eyes follow Josh’s form into the water. His chest tightens when Josh grabs your legs. “What are you doing?” you panic slightly. The older twin simply gives you his widest smile before pulling you into the depths. 

The lake is colder than you expect it to be and it shocks the air from your lungs. It’s a good few seconds before you can let out a screech at Josh. He clutches you tightly to him, not caring that you’re desperately grabbing at the sopping fabric of your security blanket as it drifts away with each of his movements. “See? Not that bad, huh?”

He was right. Being submerged covered you in a way and it felt nice to cool off. “Okay,” you break. “It’s not horrible, but you’re a real dick for pulling me in.”

Sam can’t stand seeing his older brother’s hands on you. They way they hold you so delicately. It feels far too intimate to Sam. There’s this horrible clawing in his stomach that pulls him to the shore and up to a grassy area, listening to your giggles as you splash around. Having fun without him.

Your eyes finally drift over to Sam when you notice him get out. Water droplets cascade over his tan skin like rivulets and his thin frame is stretched out to soak up the sun. He’s completely in his element. You think he looks most beautiful like this. Sam has always loved nature - he begs you to come on mini hikes that turn into impromptu picnics of trail mix and granola bars, long trips to the beach where you spend your day swimming and kayaking, hell, he even loves it if you just come lay in his hammock with him.

“Alright! Me and Danny will be partners, so that leaves you and Josh,” Jake declares. You tear your eyes from your best friend and look to his older brother - that honestly could be his twin - to give him a questioning look. Jake rolls his eyes. “I just said we’re playing chicken.” 

The insecurities begin to creep back into your mind and you quickly glance to the sunbather only feet away. 

“Stop that,” Josh murmurs. “Climb on my shoulders. I’ll swim under water.” You don’t know how he knows what you’re thinking, but you don’t have too much time to question it before he’s swimming between your legs and hoisting you into the air. The curly one lets out a warm chuckle as he hears the shriek leaving your lips. You think you see Sam start to sit up as he sees his older brother securing his hands around your thighs even more- claiming it had something to do with ‘safety’. 

“She’ll need all the safety she can get,” Danny teases. “Jake and I are gonna kick your asses!” “Are you sure about that? What if we have a plan?” You grip onto Josh’s hair, knowing you don’t have a plan. You just hope it’s something easy to go with. “Like a sneak attack! Get them!”

Josh lurches forward and your hands fly up to push at Jake’s taut shoulders. Surprisingly, his spontaneous plan does work and you manage to knock the opposing team over. Unsurprisingly, this lights a fire inside of Jake. The next half hour is constant games of chicken, switching teams, hitting the water a little too hard, but still no Sam. One final stinging slap against the small waves does you in. You put up your white flag and head to the beach, fingers and toes beyond pruny anyways.

“Decided to come join me?” The brunet sunbather mumbles as he senses your presence - eyes still closed.  

“How’d you know it was me?” 

“I always know when you're around.” 

“Uh-huh. Sure,” you mock him. 

“Peter Parker has spidey senses and me? I have y/n senses.” Your best friend sits up, grabbing your hand and giving you a little tug. It seems like he was trying to get you to lay down with him, but you weren’t budging, the insecurities creeping back in. Sure, you’ve laid down next to Sam before, but that was then and this is now. Something about the air in between you two feels different. The only problem was that you weren’t sure if it was good or bad. 

You try to pull your hand from his soft grip. “I’m gonna go grab another towel.” 

“There’s room on mine,” he replies, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“No there’s not.”

Sam wasn’t going to waste another moment. He needed to stake his claim in front of his older brothers, you’re his. Suddenly you feel the air leaving your lungs as you’re pulled downwards. Expecting to hit the ground, instead you are met with a soft groan and the feeling of hot skin. 

“See? There’s room.” Opening your eyes from the sudden impact, you’re face to face with a tan chest. Slowly lifting your gaze, you see Sam with his eyes shut, smiling sheepishly at you. 

“Sam, I’m on top of you.” 

“I know, I like you like this.” Peeking an eye open, Sam was met with the visual of your mouth parted in shock, trying to find the right words to say. He could see the gears turning in your head. You felt the boy beneath you taking a deep sigh before parting his lips. 

“Bug…don’t act so shocked.”

“Sam, just let me go please,” you try pleading with the man.

“No, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this….and now seems like the perfect moment.” 

Trying to move yourself into a sitting position, you’re met with failure as sunkissed arms wrap around your back tighter, holding your body close to his. You could feel your chest getting tighter as the nerves course through you. He has no idea what kind of effect this is having on you and you really don’t want him to find out.

“Awww look at the love birds.” Of course Jake would have to ruin a moment like this.

“Yeah right,” Danny snorts. You hated to admit it, but that single laugh alone had you ready to cry. 

“Shut up guys. You know it’s not like that,” you mumble, pulling yourself out of Sam's embrace. You swear that you see Sam’s eyes glaze over with hurt, but that quickly disappears with him chuckling and smiling. 

“I’m hungry,” Jake whines, rubbing his stomach - looking over at his twin slowly making his way over to the group.  

“That sounds like a you problem,” Sam grumbles as he sits up. What is up with his attitude today? 

“No, it's Bug’s problem.” Jake makes a move towards you to grab your hand and hoist you up, but is stopped by his younger brother swatting his hands away. Josh and Danny let out eerie chuckles trying to ease the awkward tension that was forming. 

“How is it my problem?” 

“Cause I want one of your grilled cheeses.” 

“I told you the re-“

“Zip it.” Jake grabs your arm, pulling you to your feet. “We can’t have Sammy knowing that I’m the only person you trust with the recipe. Think about how jealous he’ll get.” 

The two of you start towards the house. “You know he heard that right?” You whisper to Jake as he loops his arm into yours.

“Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing, Bug. Trust me,” Jake winks at you. 

You grip his arm tighter and don’t speak until you’re in the safety of the kitchen. You find that Sam was right, the AC doesn’t work very well in this cabin. 

“Alright, spit it out,” Jake says, not bothering to look at you while he grabs the ingredients. “I can see it all over your face.”

Other than Sam, you were the closest with Jake. When he was younger he was very quiet and wasn’t in your face like Josh was and you found comfort in that. He made you feel comfortable. That meant you could tell him the things you couldn’t tell Sam. As your feelings for Sam grew, Jake could see past your little unbothered facade. He’s been there through every up and down.

“I don’t know,” you groan and plop into a chair. “He’s just being so weird. One minute he’s normal and happy, then the next he’s moody and avoiding everyone. And don’t think I didn’t notice that you purposefully put Sam and I in the room with one bed. You’re setting me up.”

He laughs and flits about the kitchen preparing the meal for everyone. “I thought you’d appreciate that. You could always share with me.”

Flipping him the bird didn’t feel like it would be enough, so you throw a random pair of socks that you see balled up on the floor at his head. He ducks and lets a belly laugh fill the room. “Come on, y/n. It won’t be that bad. I really was just trying to help you out. How about this,” he sets an old, worn spatula on the counter and approaches you. “I’ll help you this week. We’ll get Sam to notice you the way you want him to.”

You eye his outstretched hand. This could potentially end your friendship with Sam if it goes badly, but you decide you couldn’t pretend much longer. So you grasp Jake’s calloused hand, putting all of your trust into this shake. “Deal.”

———————-

After some much needed food and a couple of beers, the boys decide that it would be a good time for them to go down to the pier and do some fishing. You opt to read the book that’s been sitting in your bag forever, figuring you could sit on the front porch so you have a perfect view of the boys on the dock. ‘Life can’t get better than this,’ you think and let out a big sigh. The buttery beams of the sun wash over you, bringing the feeling of sleepiness that you knew oh so well. Hours must’ve passed, you found yourself waking up to the feeling of someone trying to pry the book out of your hands. 

“A Court of Roses and Thorns? I didn’t know you read fantasy,” Sam smiles in small victory when he peels the book away from you, closing it and moving it to the table beside the chair. 

“I know, I usually read nonfiction but I’m trying something new. Don’t hate,” you mumble to him as you slowly stand up from the chair, stretching out your back in the process. 

“Hate on you? I could never,” Sam whispers. It was almost as if he was terrified of you hearing the little confession that left his parted lips. 

“How long have I been out?” 

“Well, considering it’s dark now, I’m gonna say about a few hours.” You look the boy over and see that he put his hair back into a low bun. You were always a sucker for that hairstyle. You take advantage of Sam being quiet and study his face some more. He looks good. It was only day one of this vacation and the sun gave him a kissable tan. You weren’t sure how you’d be able to survive the rest of the six. 

“So...what do you think about a movie night?” Sam suggests, throwing you a side smirk when he notices that you were checking him out. You silently thank god that it’s dark out, you didn’t want Sam to see how flushed your cheeks are. 

“With your brothers?” 

“No. Just you and me. Jake said he wants to have a bonfire,” he points towards the direction of the small pit that sits in the middle of some thoughtfully placed chairs. 

“I mean, sure. Yeah, we can do that.” 

A loud voice nearly has you jumping out of your skin. “Nope. Nada. Not happening. You have to be joking with us. I don’t want to be an uncle yet,” Jake bursts through the door of the cabin, protesting the movie night idea. Casting a glance over to Sam you see him rolling his eyes. You could tell he was starting to get fed up with his brothers interrupting everything. 

“Jake, c’mon. It’s gonna be so comfy inside. Can’t I join you guys tomorrow?” You ask the man, with a little bit of confusion lacing your voice. He was supposed to be helping push you and Sam together, not keep you two separated.  He gives you a look that lets you know you won’t be winning that battle, so you let the older man drag you over to the pit where the other two boys were standing. Looking over your shoulder, you could see Sam trudging behind you, obviously not wanting to participate tonight. Maybe he was hoping just to have alone time with you. 

“Bug, we’ll make you a weiner!” 

“Josh, I don’t want a hot dog right now.” Your body betrays you by letting out possibly the loudest stomach growl the group had ever heard. 

“Clearly that’s a lie. Plus, we know how much you love sticking them in your mouth,” Danny tries to speak in between laughs. You could tell that he’s proud of himself for that joke. 

“Relax, Sammy boy, no one’s gonna try to steal your girlfriend,” Jake teases as he slaps his back, trying to change his little brother’s mood. Based on what you could see through the flames of the fire, Sam’s face was red - beaming with frustration. 

Sam seems to ignore his brother’s ‘girlfriend’ comment as he sits down in the seat directly across from yours, separated by the fire. Jake plops himself into the chair next to you, mysteriously pulling out an acoustic guitar. 

“Where’d you get that?” you nod towards the guitar.

“Darling, I’m full of tricks,” Jake shoots you a wink, absentmindedly strumming the guitar. Looking around, you notice there was a black guitar case lined with a maroon velvet laying on the ground - instantly feeling dumb for asking him where got the acoustic from. If anyone knows Jake, then they always know there’s bound to be a guitar somewhere around him. Sure he was in college for business, but everyone knows being in a band was his true dream. 

“Jake you gonna play us Wonderwall? Or tell us all about how you’re meant to be a rockstar?” Sam snickers at his brother. What has gotten into him today. 

Sam was truly fed up with his brothers. Especially Jake. Every fear he ever had about bringing you to the lake had happened. Why couldn’t they just let him have something good for once? Sam had fully been planning on telling you about his feelings at multiple points in the day. He even made it obvious that he was being serious, but no one cared. 

Looking across the flames, you sat in awe of your best friend. A pain forms in your chest as you think back to a certain night sophomore year where you were sat in the same position. 

“Wooooo!” 

“Sam, stop yelling! You’re gonna get us in trouble.” 

“C’mon, Bug! Live a little,” Sam slurred at you, slinging his arm around your shoulder. He was drunk off the bourbon that his older brother just had to provide him with because it was ‘homecoming’. You rolled your eyes every time Jake said that. Maybe it was something that your parents engraved into your brain. God, you could hear the lecture from them already. Bitching at you for letting yourself be surrounded by ‘drunken idiots’.

You weren’t positive about the exact moment you started to like Sam, but one thing was for certain. This year you realized you were in love with him. It happened in between all the study dates, the late night texts and the random phone calls to see what you were up to.  

But tonight? Tonight felt different. Granted, you guys were each other's dates to homecoming, but something just felt different. You couldn’t quite place what the emotion was. Maybe it had to do with the way you two slow danced tonight - your arms placed delicately around his neck, while his hands were wrapped around your waist, pulling you close. His toffee colored eyes staring into yours-giving you soft smiles all night, not to mention all the little touches and forehead kisses. 

Your mind kept wandering back to those moments as you looked up at the man, watching the soft orange glow flicker across his face. His eyes were closed and he was starting to sway, you knew what this meant - you had approximately five minutes to get him up to bed or someone would have to carry him up there. You look around to see if there was anybody sober enough to help you get the lanky boy up the steps with no avail. 

“C’mon, Sammy. Let’s get you to bed.”

“Bug, are you trying to seduce me right now?” Rolling your eyes, you let out a huff as the tall boy leaned more of his weight onto you, trusting that you would be able to get him upside and to bed safely. 

“Sam, I know you're plastered, but you’ve gotta help me out here.” 

“I always help you out. You’re my girl.” 

You knew better than to believe his words, after all he was drunk and just rambling. Hearing the words ‘my girl’  was your downfall. You hated the way it made you blush. You silently thank god that you were able to make it into his room in one piece. After plopping the boy down onto the twin mattress, you were wondering how on earth you were going to get this boy changed. Finding a pair of sweats and grabbing a loose shirt, you turned around to find Sam standing in front of the bed. 

“I thought I told you to stay on the bed.” 

“Ooo. Bossy. I like it.” You knew he was a lot to deal with when he was drunk, but this was new. 

“I’m not being bossy. I just want you to go to bed. I’m tired.” 

“I don’t want to go to bed.”

“And why’s that?” You replied back, mocking the way he was whining. 

“Cause you’re not gonna be here for me to cuddle.” 

“Sam. Stop. You don’t mean that.” 

“I do mean it,” Sam responded, stomping his foot like a two year old having a tantrum in the middle of a grocery store. 

“No you don’t.”

“Stop telling me what I think,” he demands.

“Sammy, I know you. You don’t mean it. I’m not the girl you go for. Just please go to bed.” Your heart is aching with every word you speak.

“You can’t see it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve had a thing for you for the past two years.”

“No you haven’t,” you scoff. As much as you wanted to believe him, you just couldn’t. 

“Yes I have,” he insists. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“Sam, look at you and then look at me. We don’t go together.” Your arms were crossed and your eyes found purchase on anything but him. His gaze never let up.

“Bug, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” 

“Please stop.” You could feel your breath slowly leaving your body as the young boy made his way to stand in front of you, placing a finger under your chin tilting your head up - silently begging for you to make eye contact with him. 

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” Sam whispered as he licked his lips. He leaves your eye contact briefly to look at your lips and then looks back into your eyes. Closing your eyes trying to find the right words to say - you were interrupted when you felt a pair of chapped lips meeting your soft ones. 

Not believing what was happening,  you opened up your eyes, only to be met with the sight of Sam’s eyes still closed focused on the task at hand. Closing your eyes, you could feel yourself melting into the kiss and slowly kissing the boy back. Sam could finally feel you relaxing into him - taking it as a sign to wrap his arms around your waist, pulling you in closer, running his hands through your hair. Not pulling or tugging, he was just holding you there. 

Sam shoved you away when he heard the wooden bedroom door being opened and slammed against the beige wall. Looking over at the intruder, you could feel your chest tighten up again when you saw that it was Sam’s other best friend. 

“Did I interrupt something?” Danny quizzed the couple in front of him, noticing the swollen lips and rustled dress shirt. 

“Nope,” Sam replied nonchalantly.

 After going to the bathroom that night, you decided to crash out in the boys basement, not being able to find it in yourself to face Danny after he walked in on the tender moment in between best friends. Waking up the morning afterwards, it took a couple of minutes for the realization of what happened- Sammy kissed you. Not only that, but he told you that you were the most beautiful person he ever saw. How were you supposed to address this situation with him?

Part of you wanted to run for the mountains and never face him again. Realistically you probably could live off the grid - but that would never happen, your parents would forbid it. Deciding that you needed to just talk to him, to figure out where you guys stood, you found yourself climbing up the steps of the quiet house. Placing your hand on the doorknob to turn it, you stopped yourself upon hearing muffled voices on the other side of the door. 

“So you kissed y/n last night?”

“Dude. I fucked up.” 

“But I thought you liked her?”

“Y/n? No, I think it was just the alcohol talking.” You could feel your heart breaking in two as you registered the words being spoken. 

“How are you gonna fix this?” 

“I just gotta tell her that it was a mistake. It meant nothing. I regret it.” 

If only you could be in the room and see the raven haired boy shaking his head at the lanky haired man laying on his bed hungover. 

The sudden feeling of a warm hand squeezing your knee brought you back to reality. Following up the arm of the man touching you - you were met with Jake’s coffee irises giving you the same sad sympathy look  he had given you the morning after the kiss.  You didn’t mean for any of Sam’s brothers to get involved with your relationship with him, but it just happened. After hearing Sam say the word ‘regret’, you ran outside onto the back porch in hopes of calming yourself down. 

Instead you were met with Jake smoking a cigarette and asking if you wanted to talk about it. Did you want to talk about it? It just so happens that your brain was telling you not to, while your heart had the opposite. You needed someone just to listen to you and the mysterious twin just happened to be there. That was the moment you and Jake became close. He held you as you cried - repeatedly telling you that his brother was a ‘fucking idiot’ and ‘if he doesn’t see how amazing you are, fuck him’. 

After that much needed pep talk from Jake, you pushed your feelings deep down inside and kept things as normal as you could with Sam. Meanwhile you and Jake were growing closer, but it was nothing in comparison with his little brother - the only issue is, Sam doesn’t know that. You were unaware of the fact that there were countless times the boys had been fighting over you. Well, more like it was Sam screaming at his  brother to leave you alone and to stop trying to ‘fuck you’. Jake would just look at him and give him a little smirk that would just push Sam over the edge. 

Jake moved his hand from your knee as a twig snaps in the dense woods just feet away from the group. Everyone’s attention is focused on the sound and you could feel your heart rate pick up. “What was that?”

“Probably just a deer,” Sam mutters as he peers into the darkness of the foliage. 

“What if it’s that killer?” Danny says all too casually. Your palms begin to sweat and you shoot him a death glare, challenging him to tell a cruel joke again. 

“What, you didn’t hear about it? It was on every local radio station around here.”

Sam meets your eyes then looks back to Danny. “No, we didn’t listen to the radio on the way here. I had my road trip playlist going.”

“You know how he is. ‘The radio is too mainstream,’” you roll your eyes, quoting Sam perfectly. 

Josh’s grin almost makes it seem like he could be the killer. “Oh, so you really don’t know then, huh? Well, when we got here we heard that there were several dead bodies found in the woods and the lake. They’d all been murdered.”

Your skin begins to crawl. You had just swam in that lake. The woods that once felt so serene now seem dark and foreboding. Like something was lurking, waiting for the right time to slip through the darkness and into the house of some poor, unsuspecting vacationers. 

“That’s not funny,” you mumble. 

Josh’s head snaps to you, looking near evil. “No, it isn’t. Not funny at all.”

“Cut the shit, Josh,” Jake scoffs. “Josh is just being a dickhead, but they are telling the truth. There were bodies found around here and they never found the killer.”

“What do you mean they never found the killer?” The hairs on the back of your neck standing up as you felt like something or someone was watching you through the trees. 

“Guys, knock it off. You’re scaring her,” Sam orders and moves his chair to sit next to you. “Hey, they’re just being douchebags. There’s nothing to worry about.” 

“All jokes aside, the story itself is true.  They never found the killer.. Rumor has it, one lady was slaughtered. Completely butchered. I guess the killer left a blood trail, the cops followed it into the woods. It stopped after twenty feet….whoever it is….they know how to hide. There really were bodies found around here, about three miles north.  But, I doubt anything will happen to us. He probably left town. Well, I’m hoping he did,” Danny attempts to comfort. 

“Danny,” Sam reprimands.

While you’re appreciative of Danny’s efforts, your stomach is queasy with fear. You don’t feel happy and carefree anymore. The moon shining down on the lake isn’t comforting like it once was, it’s ominous and holds secrets. The blowing wind seems like small whispers filled with said secrets.

“Can we go inside?” you ask quietly, eyes frantically scanning your surroundings. Feeling a hand cover your own, you recognize it immediately as Sam’s based on the way a crooked pinky finger is grazing against your own. 

“Hey, it’s okay. We can go in,” Sam murmurs as he laces your fingers together. It doesn’t take more than a small tug to get you out of your seat and heading towards the house. The rest of the guys decide to join you, hastily cleaning up their mess.

“Now you two can have that movie night,” Jake ribs. “We’ll be joining you, though.”

Josh immediately launches into a list of movie suggestions, but you can’t find it in you to care. Between the scare of the murders and the jumble of feelings for Sammy, you just needed to stare mindlessly at a screen for a while. 

The boys settle on the movie Psycho. You’re not sure if they’re intentionally trying to be dicks or not, but your mind is too busy to scold them. After gnawing on the skin of your thumb for a solid fifteen minutes, Sam slings his arm around your tense shoulders. The room is dark save for the glow of the tv screen and lamp that was hardly ever turned off, everyone is quiet. It could’ve been one of those world stopping moments you had with Sam whenever he danced along the boundary of friendship and maybe something more. The atmosphere was all wrong though. With the tension in the air and Jake’s worried eyes glancing at you periodically, there was no way you could indulge in this sweet moment.

Halfway through the movie, Jake stands abruptly. “I don’t remember if I put the fire out.”

“It’s been long enough. It probably went out by itself,” Josh mumbles, almost entirely distracted by the movie. 

“Do you really want to be responsible for a forest fire that could kill all of us? I’m going to check.” 

He moves through the living room and grabs his pack of cigarettes before breezing through the door. Your gut twists at the thought of Jake going out there alone. What if that killer was still around? 

You know you’re probably overreacting, but the sinking feeling in your chest wouldn’t let up, so you start to pull from Sam’s grasp. He only wraps around you tighter, shooting you a half smile.

“I wanna go with Jake,” you whisper, trying not to disturb the other two boys.

Sam’s full brows furrow, grasp still not letting up. “Why? He’s fine out there. We can see him through the window so we’ll know if something happens.” Standing your ground with a pointed look, the boy sighs and rubs your arm. “I would really like it if you would stay with me. I’ve missed you today.”

Oh. Your resolve melts a bit at his statement, some warmth returning to your heart. The puppy dog eyes he’s giving you are absolutely killer. How could you deny him? You sink back into your spot, safely tucked into his side and decide that Jake could wait until the movie was over. After all, you were being a little ridiculous about all of this. 

But when the movie is over, Jake is no longer in sight. Anxiety nearly consumes you as you lift from the creaky old couch and press your nose against the dusty pane of the window closest to you. “Guys? Why isn’t Jake back? Why can’t I see him?” 

Josh groans as he stretches out, foolishly opting to take a seat on the hardwood floor for the entire length of the film. “You know Jake. He’s probably off on one of his late night excursions.” The eldest joins your side after a moment, brown eyes scanning the darkness. “Look, he’s right there at the dock.”

There is a silhouette standing along the edge of the water at the beginning of the dock. It was far enough away that you couldn’t see any features, but the outline was there. You strain your eyes looking at the form. Was that Jake? You couldn’t tell.

“Are you sure?” you worry. “How do you know?” 

Josh claps you on the back, an amused smile gracing his youthful face. “I’m his twin. I think I could pick him out of a crowd of probably like, a thousand.”

“Let’s go to bed, okay? You’ll see Jake in the morning.” Sammy comes up behind you wrapping his arms around your midsection pulling you away from the window and towards the stairs. 

“None of you guys are going to check on him?” You ask them, trying not to be annoying but you just can’t shake this unsettling feeling in your gut. 

“Bug, he’ll be okay. Besides, we have this cool thing called twin telepathy. I know when something is wrong,” Josh tries to reassure you. 

“Y/n. He’ll be coming in at any minute. He’s gotta help me with the kayak’s tomorrow and you know he hates getting up early.” You took a deep breath continuing your journey up the stairs, trying to have faith in Danny’s sentence. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Deep Breaths y/n. 

Sam left you in the bedroom alone for a total of five minutes to change before you found yourself calling out for him frantically - you’ve never heard the man move faster. At lightning speed Sam came crashing through the door searching for your figure. Nestled into the wall closest to the window, the boy could see your hands shaking uncontrollably. Stalking his way over to you, wrapping you up in his arms, whispering ‘you’re okay’ into your hair. 

“S…Sam. There’s something in the woods over there,” you tremble into his chest, shifting all your body weight onto him, seeking as much comfort as you possibly could. 

“Bug, there’s nothing out there.” 

“Yes there is! I just saw the bushes move. There’s something out there watching us.”  

“Y/n it’s pro-”

“Don’t tell me that it’s just a deer. It’s the killer Sam. I know it is,”  you cut Sam off desperately. To be fair, your intuition never lied to you when it came to things like this.  “We need to leave now.”

“Look at me.” He didn’t give you a chance to object as he put his fingers under your chin, firmly tilting your head up. “I will not let anything happen to you. Okay? I’m gonna kill the guys. They shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Well, I’m glad they did. Sam I'm not crazy, there’s someone watching us.” Your gaze returns to the forest. You know you saw something. You hadn’t imagined things like this before after hearing your fair share of campfire ghost stories. There was something different about this time. Something sinister. “Let’s go to bed okay? I think today’s just been long and we just need to sleep it off.” 

“Okay,” you sigh and feel his hands tugging you towards the bed as you keep looking out the window. Your intuition was screaming at you to get out of there as fast as you could. Crawling into bed, you opted for the spot closest to the door incase you needed a fast escape tonight. 

“Nuh-uh. Move over,” Sam grins, towering over your figure that’s already nestled into the sheets and slowly dozing off. 

“I’m comf-”

“Don’t even finish that sentence. Move it missy. I need to be by the door.” Sam starts pulling the comforter away from you, acting like he was about to sit on top of you in hopes that he would make you giggle. He knew your mind was racing about the possibility of the killer breaking into the lake house - he needed to try to take your mind off of it, even just a little bit. 

“Okay, okay. Bossy.” You find yourself starting to get nervous as the reality kicks in that Sam is laying next to you. Flinching as you feel his forearm rest against yours, you take it upon yourself to roll over onto your side, facing the wall. You couldn’t possibly bear to face him in such a moment that seemed as intimate as this. 

If you were facing him, you would’ve seen the way that he was staring at you, having a fight with his inner monologue that told him to roll over and pull you into him, but he was scared - scared that it would ruin the friendship although Sam knew that this was his moment. Now or never. Everytime that he tried to tell you how he felt, one of his brothers had to interrupt the moment.  Following his heart this time instead of his head, he pushes himself up against your back, throwing his arm over your midsection. Your eyes fly open at the action, you knew that you were going to be in close proximity - you just never expected this. 

“Relax,” Sam murmurs into your ear. Fuck maybe he felt me tensing. 

“I am.” 

“No you’re not. Just let me hold you for a minute.” 

“I’m going to go look for Jake,” you mumble, moving his arm off of you. Trying to find an excuse to get away from him. Thinking about how he must’ve drank in those five minutes you were parted, there was no way Sam was sober and speaking to you like this. Finally succeeding and moving his arm, you sit up, getting ready to crawl out of bed when you hear Sam letting out a groan behind you.

“Why are you so worried about Jake?” The boy explodes. Shocked by the sudden outburst, you turn around to find him sitting up, red in the face. He was pissed.

“Sam, he’s outside by himself.” 

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?” At this point you were out of the bed making your way over to the dresser, looking for a sweatshirt to throw on before you went outside. 

“I said bullshit, y/n. Just tell me that you’re into my brother instead of leading me on.” 

“Instead of leading you on?” You whip around to face him, hands trembling from the confrontation.

“Wow. Do you need a hearing aid or something? Do you know how obvious it is that you like Jake? The way you’ve been hanging all over him since sophomore year? You’re supposed to be the person that’s closest to me, yet you still decide to go after my big brother. Newsflash, y/n, he’ll fuck you and leave!”

Sam’s posture is rigid, face and bare chest flushed with passion of the moment. You hate yourself for thinking he looks pretty.

“Sam, what are you talking about?” 

“You’re fucking unbelievable,” Sam spits out at you in a venom laced tone. 

“Me? Me? I’m the unbelievable one?”

“That’s what I just fucking said.” 

You scoff and tug your sweatshirt over your head. You can’t believe what he’s saying to you. He had the audacity to call you deaf, yet didn’t realize just how blind he truly is. 

“Tell me,” you seethe. “Tell me when I’ve been all over your brother, Samuel.”

He rattles off different instances, starting with sophomore year and how you suddenly grew close with Jake. He told you his perspective of those secret moments with the older Kiszka, not knowing you were actually lamenting over your own best friend. Sam suddenly grows quiet and his chest heaves. “I just wish I could be that person for you. I want that to be me. I have looked up to Jakey for so long - my entire life - and somehow I keep falling short. Even with you. I just want you to feel the same feelings I feel for you.”

Your lower lip trembles and your nails dig into the flesh of your palm. “Don’t,” you say through grit teeth. “Don’t say that to me. Especially when you regretted it so much last time.” 

His honey eyes that are darkened with distress flick from the comforter to look into yours, pink lips shaping into a small ‘o’. He stares at you for a moment before whispering, “You heard that?”  

“I had my hearing aids on that night.” 

“Y/n…I didn’t mean it.” 

“Please stay over there. Don’t come closer to me,” you plead with Sam as he gets out of bed and starts moving towards you. As much as you want the comfort of him holding you - you have to stand your ground and admit to him how much he destroyed you at that moment. 

“Please...just listen to me.”

“You’ve got two minutes,”  you bite, leaning back against the dresser and crossing your arms. 

“I was fifteen. I was scared, y/n. My brothers would tease me about you being my secret girlfriend all the time and I just- I don’t know, Bug. There’s no excuse for it. I don’t regret our kiss at all. If anything, I regret not coming to you the next day and kissing you again…this time sober.” 

You hate to admit it - your heart is aching as Sam expresses his feelings. Maybe this is the universe finally bringing us together. 

   “I came downstairs that morning looking for you. You know where I found you?” You shake your head at the man in front of you, trying to hold back tears as he makes his way slowly over. His large hands cup your face, gently rubbing his thumbs over your cheeks. 

“I saw you outside with Jake. He was holding you…something I should’ve been doing, not him. I got closer to the screen door and I realized you were sobbing into his chest. I thought you regretted the kiss. I figured the tears were because you didn’t want me the way I want you, so I just pretended that it never happened. I stood by on the sidelines, hiding how bad I wanted you, y/n.” 

“You want me?” You try blinking away the tears and Sam catches the single drop that rolls down your right cheek, gently wiping it away.

“Why wouldn’t I? I’ve been in love with you for the past two years. Thanks for noticing by the way.” Sam presses his forehead against yours, letting out a soft chuckle. 

“I’ve been in love with you too,” you whisper, looking into his honey irises. 

“God, we’re idiots.” 

Both of you softly laugh whilst staring at each other, trying to press this memory into your mind. You silently wish that you could see this look of love on his face everytime you close your eyelids. 

“Hey, Sam?” 

“Yes, bug?” 

“Kiss me.” Your heart is pounding, but not in the uncomfortable way it had been for the last hour. Any worries you had are thrown out the window. Your mind is enveloped with Sam’s presence, his scent. He consumes you.

“Well, if you insist.” You find yourself closing your eyes as Sam leans forward, finally capturing your lips in his. It was short and sweet - nothing less than electric.

Pulling away, you two start giggling uncontrollably. 

“Can’t believe we haven’t done that since we were fifteen,” he chortles and pulls you flush to his chest. His visage grows serious as he gazes down at you, strands of hair falling and framing his face. “I’m not gonna run away this time, I promise. This time I’ll show all of them that I love you and that you are mine.”

The electric feeling flows from your lips down to your toes at his confession. This situation didn’t feel real. “I believe you,” you whisper. “Now let’s go to bed.”

The two of you lay side by side, but quickly end up being wrapped in each other. You’re almost certain that you’re flying, floating through some dreamland that only your brain would cruelly make up. You’re terrified that you’ll come crashing to the ground and none of this will be real. But in the morning, he’s still there. His soft locks are splayed around him after having fallen out of his bun in the night. Supple lips are parted as gentle breaths escape him. He’s an angel. You decide you wouldn’t leave his side until he woke. This is the perfect time to admire him uninterrupted. 

“You know it’s rude to stare right?” You flush with embarrassment knowing that you just got caught in the act. 

“Sorry.” 

Sam grins, looking down at you laying on top of him with your face as red as a tomato. He loves watching you get flustered.“Why are you apologizing? I didn’t say I hate it.”  

“How’d you sleep?” you mumble as you tuck your head back into his chest, wrapping your arms around him and squeezing tight. You couldn’t believe that this is real. Sam is yours. 

“Really?”

“What?” 

“We’re doing small talk now?” Sam giggles. 

“I’m nervous. I don’t know what to say.” 

“Stop. It’s just me, Bug. I told you last night I'm not going anywhere.” 

You open your mouth to reply, but you’re cut off by the sound of pans hitting the floor and a loud ‘fuck!’ from the kitchen. Both of you laugh out loud at Josh’s exclamation.

“We should probably go down there.” You pull yourself from his arms and slowly make your way over to the door, pausing to look back at the god-like man in bed. “You coming?”

Sam moans out a small protest. “Why? We can stay here. We don’t need to interact with them.” 

“He’s gonna burn the house down without supervision. You can stay here, but I’ll be damned if we all die in a house fire,” you joke and head out of the bedroom. It’s only a few seconds before you hear the padding of feet behind you and a set of bony fingers rest on your hips. He presses a kiss to your hair and descends the creaky stairs.

“Morning,” Josh grins as he spreads out ingredients for a large breakfast. “Day two at Camp Kiszka! How are you feeling?”

You steal a glance at Sam, forcing back a secretive smile. “I’d say we’re feeling pretty good.”

Before Josh can even ask why, the screen door is slamming open. Danny rushes in, looking pale and frantic. That same dreadful feeling from last night returns and his expression sends shivers down your spine.

Sam steps forward. “Dan, what’s wrong?”

Danny stands there shaking and wide eyed then nearly chokes over his words. “J…Ja..”

“C’mon, Danny, spit it out!” Josh moves beside the six foot man, slapping him on the back.

“Jake’s dead.”

[woah-uhuh-uhuh-uhuh]

Christine Canigula was socially ostracized & developed a complex to protect herself: an essay

(suddenly i NEED to infodump about Christine actually so here)

Something I only noticed on rewatch: the way Christine will say something silly and then just kind of gingerly wait to see if Jeremy reacts well to it before continuing, almost like she's asking permission?? (e.g. the gap after the first stanza of "Play Rehearsal"). And it's only after he riffs off her bowling alley bit that she feels comfortable talking about her personal feelings with him (right before "Guy that I'd Kinda be Into"). The same happens with their "weird noise" exchange immediately before "It's pretty killer to sit and chat with you." I know theater relies on being succinct, and that 'bonding over shared quirks' and 'feelings talk' are both just crucial parts of relationship development... but I don't think it's a coincidence that it always goes in that order!

It's like Jeremy has to pass these *trials of weirdness* before she feels safe opening up to him and it drives me BONKERS so I wrote a whole 1000 word thing about it under the cut and this got too massive and I'm sorry. Also some autistic Jeremy meta at the end if that sweetens the pot hehehe

Table of contents:

Why she was ostracized

How she was ostracized

How that might inform her pattern of relationship development with Jeremy and Jake

How gender caused Jeremy's experiences to differ from hers, and how that affects their current relationships with "popularity" and peer acceptance.

1. Why she was ostracized

I am just so certain that Christine has been bullied or at least majorly outcast for a lot of her life. She's very obviously neurodivergent and because of that she can have these obnoxiously deep and repetitive interests, she can't judge if a piece of information will be genuinely interesting to someone, and she doesn't take social cues very well.

She frequently interrupts people when they're talking (an ADHD symptom btw), even when they're literally talking to her about the thing she wants to hear!

(C: "Do you find that? Because I totally find that!" J: "Uh, yeah, I-" C: "-And no matter how hard I try....")

(J: "I know the last thing I deserve is another shot, but-" C:"Jeremy, just... say what's on your mind.") (girl I'm sorry but that's what he was doing..... I have a whole other thoughtpiece on how this particularly fucks with Jeremy while they're dating but thats another thing...)

She doesn't seem confident in her interpretations of people's emotions and she'll ask/talk about them point blank (both theirs and her own) in a way a lot of people would find rude

("Uh, you seem really nervous...") ("Popular people are fucked up! *mutual laughter* …I mean, you're one of them!") ("I am flattered, this is new / still I'm not sure what I should do" <- as a response to getting asked out, that's pretty bold! Plus the entire part where she laughs at Jake's "rich boy routine") (also compare and contrast to Jeremy's "I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now." idk. are your allistic stage dorks in the room with us right now motherfuckers)

I'd go on about her hyperfixations/special interests too but I think Play Rehearsal pretty much sums it up lol

2. How she was ostracized

All this to say that I am CERTAIN she spent a lot of her schooling having "nice girls" patiently let her sit with them at lunch for weeks at a time until they finally get sick of her rambling and faux pas. Only when they leave does Christine realize that they didn't actually care about anything she said... And this happens over and over and over. (I know this seems hella specific but I swear it's an actual phenomenon... at least I'm pretty sure? sdjflksjf)

But anyway, it's clear that by the time they're juniors, Christine has kind of (and I do only mean kind of) figured out what behaviour other people respond poorly to. And from evidence I stated in the intro, I think she's become really careful about which people she lets herself get attached to. She doesn't want this to ever happen again - which means if she's going to hang out with someone, she has to know that they actually care about her, that they know she will sometimes be obnoxious or blunt, and they'll still be okay with that forever.

3. Applying this to her canon relationships

You can extend this to Jake, someone who sees her in her element in drama rehearsal (the thing everyone finds annoying about her because she won't shut up about it) and STILL likes her. I think it's a totally valid reading that her bluntness with him later ("Upgrade") is just because she misreads him / doesn't quite get the social standard that she should be white lying instead. But I think you could also read her as testing the waters. If she's really going to commit to dating this guy, she's gotta know he's okay with her being herself. And the fact that this guy (and I think it's significant that he is a boy, for reasons I'll explain in the end note) genuinely seems to like her is a whole new level of peer validation ("I am flattered, this is new") -- so of course she's gonna fall at least a little! It doesn't hurt that he's "tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am..." just like her!

Her history with being pity-liked makes Chloe's "advice," that Jake's just toying with her and is going to move on soon, even scarier, because that's genuinely happened to her (on a platonic level) so many times before.

Jeremy is also a good candidate from the beginning because he's weird he's a weirdo he doesn't fit in and he doesn't wanna fit in you ever see him without this stupid cardigan on? that's weird! And she keeps warming up to him not only because they're getting to know each other but because he gets progressively more willing to not only tolerate (as Jake does) but *participate* in her weirdness!

First, she does something weird and he tolerates it ("Play Rehearsal"); the next time she's weird, he participates! (bowling ball before GTIKBI). Then finally finally finally he initiates the weirdness and lets her join in! ("weird noises" exchange before GTIKBI reprise).

And notably, it is THIS moment that canonically signifies that they've hit the apex of their canon relationship development. If there was an achievement called "Befriend Christine," it would have popped up right then and there!!!

IN CONCLUSION: YOUR HONOR I LOVE THEM T_T

4: Christine vs. Jeremy: Gender differences & how that ultimately impacts their social goals

I also think all of this would have happened to Jeremy too if he'd been a girl. But because, generally, young boys feel less social obligation than girls to take pity on the autistic kid (and because boys tend to be more quickly recognized as autistic) he just ends up completely alone for most of his school life (Michael nonwithstanding - and yeah there's an important distinction between your childhood friend putting up with you and knowing that, woah, I guess literally nobody else ever will).

Meanwhile, Christine has had people "put up" with her, and she's SICK OF IT!

That's part of why their complexes are so different, because Christine is trying to check everyone she meets to make sure they'll be okay with her weirdness before she gets attached, Jeremy is trying to eliminate his weirdness altogether because he's never even experienced his peers listening out of *pity* so how the hell can he expect someone to ever listen to him out of *interest?*

Jeremy has never had someone pretend to like him before, so he completely lacks Christine's fear of befriending someone who secretly hates you. He doesn't realize how bad it'll hurt him if he destroys his real self for popularity, if he befriends people who would have bullied his real self. He doesn't know what disingenuous friendship feels like, so like a very young Christine he's still actively trying to get there because he thinks it's the only kind of validation he'll ever get.

Do you see what im saying? Do you see it???? AUAUGUGUUGGH

THANK YOU FOR READING!!! If you have thoughts or even rebuttals please share i am so desperate to discuss the blorbos

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

"get me a damned matcha" | Chapter 15: August II

{{ Chapter 14: July II | Chapter 16: September II }} Chapter Directory

SURPRISE

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✧ pairing ➼ levi ackerman x fem!reader, college x coffee shop x roommates!au ✧ summary ➼ After you find yourself plagued with misfortune due to struggles in your personal and family life, you find yourself needing to move last minute. As a junior in undergrad with little money and little social support, you considered yourself lucky when you found a sublease that was close to campus and was relatively cheap. Unfortunately, it seemed that your roommate did not seem to be so excited regarding your presence. ✧ content/warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, mutual pining, idiots in love, explicit descriptions of a panic attack, levi being bad with technology lol, hurt/comfort ✧ word count ➼ ~5.1k

It had only been a day since you denounced Levi as an acceptable roommate, but it felt like ages. Neither of you reached out to each other. There were no texts, no phone calls—nothing. You hadn’t even gone home since then, electing to stay the night at Petra’s. It wasn’t great. You didn’t have your things, it was a last minute call which resulted in Petra not being prepared to suddenly have a guest over, and you were just overall grumpy and anxious. Part of you wished you had just sucked it up and gone home.

When you did finally get yourself to go home and walk in through the door, Levi wasn’t there. It was fairly early into the afternoon, so you wouldn’t be surprised if he was on a shift at the café or in lab. Deciding that shutting yourself in at home would likely have you crawling up the walls by the time Levi got home, you quickly put away the rest of your things that you had haphazardly left out before you abruptly left the previous day, grabbing your laptop and heading to the café shortly afterwards.

Your anxiety had been bugging you non-stop for the past few hours. You were still very much pissed at him, but you were wanting to at least physically see him and apologize for storming off. If things worked out in your favor, he’d be in a much better mood to discuss whatever the hell had led him to regressing so far back. You hated to admit it, but you did care enough about him that you wanted to work to fix your relationship instead of cutting him off and being content with hating each other’s presence.

The frown was more than apparent on your face when you walked into the café and saw Marlo at the tea station instead of Levi. In addition to not being able to talk to Levi about what had happened, you also didn’t have your regular Matcha waiting for you. It was a silly thing to be disappointed over, but not having your comfort drink only further soured your mood.

You sat down in your usual seat, trying your best to not be completely transparent with your mood. Your fight with Levi didn’t have to be anyone else’s problem.

Marlo gave you a confused look when he saw you sit in front of him.

“What? This is my seat.”

It technically wasn’t. It was a public café, so there wasn’t such a thing as assigned seats, but you were in that particular spot nearly every day, so all the staff—and even some of the customers—knew that the seat was effectively yours.

“Oh hey, _____!” you heard Nicolo call out as he made his way over to you. “Picking up more pastries?”

You scoffed at him as if you were questioning if he was seriously asking you that question. 

“Don’t act like you don’t know this routine already, Nicolo. Club events don’t start up until a few weeks into the semester,” you said as you pulled your laptop out of your backpack. “Otherwise I’m just here to study.”

“But classes haven’t started yet,” Marlo muttered from behind the counter.

“And to write,” you mumbled while giving Marlo a side-eye.

“Write?” he asked in a genuinely confused tone.

“Unfortunately, this school’s capstone project for me involves publishing a light novel so I’m getting a head’s start,” you explained before you furrowed your eyebrows together as you realized something. “Wait, aren’t you also an English major?”

You looked directly at him and you could feel him somewhat panicking from the judgment in your voice. You vaguely remembered him talking about wanting to do something related to writing that’s involved with the criminal justice system.

“J-Just thinking about it!” Marlo quickly explained. “Haven’t decided anything yet.”

“Well, you should take a look into the school’s requirements. This light novel’s a bitch to get through.”

Despite sounding irritated, the conversation with Nicolo and Marlo did improve your mood. It at least helped distract you from what was really on your mind. Plus, you were able to feel helpful, even mentioning the writing conference in a few weeks to Marlo, suggesting that he attend if he wanted to seriously pursue an English degree.

You were chatting for a while and Levi was almost completely absent from your mind during the conversation itself, but quickly arose again when both Nicolo and Marlo had to get back to work. Your eyes fell onto the empty tea station that was usually tended to by the very person you were trying to keep your mind off of. You could almost imagine him standing there, scowling at nothing in particular, while occasionally glancing up at you once he noticed that you were staring at him.

He wasn’t actually there, though.

You perked up as soon as you heard the door open, immediately turning around to see if it was Levi coming in. Instead, a bunch of freshmen walked in, which earned a disappointed sigh to escape from your lips. You grumpily turned back towards your laptop in an attempt to continue writing, but your anxiety made it impossible to focus. You had been here for almost an hour at this point and you had written three sentences and got stuck in a loop of editing the same sentence five different times, finding yourself regularly alt-tabbing out of your document to check out your socials and scroll. You weren’t getting any work done.

Your eyes immediately flashed up towards the window as you heard a fire truck rush past. You silently thanked yourself that you were indoors to save your ears from the obnoxious siren that you would have been forced to endure had you been outside.

Fuck me if I’ve left the hair straightener on again or some shit like that.

Curious and slightly paranoid, and with the fire truck far away enough to not cause you hearing damage, you stepped outside, and let out a sigh of relief when you saw that the fire truck was not heading in the direction of your apartment. 

However, your relaxed state didn’t last for long. Your eyes widened as you saw the fire truck make a turn towards Levi’s lab. You felt your heart rate hasten, but you took an unsteady breath, trying to calm yourself down. Just because they were driving in that direction did not mean that his building was their destination. 

You tried to shrug off your anxiety, but it was bugging you to death. You pulled out your phone and shot a text to Levi.

> [you (2:55pm)]: levi, are you in lab right now?

You stared at your phone for a few minutes. There was no answer. There wasn’t even a read receipt. 

You dialed his number and called.

There was no answer.

You felt yourself somewhat panicking after you were unable to get ahold of Levi. You didn’t have a car and it was too long of a walk to just casually go to his lab to check if he was okay. You continued to try to regulate, telling yourself that there were plenty of buildings in that direction and that you were just having “what if” thoughts.

This calmed you down for approximately ten seconds before you remembered that his building is the only one that was really being used because it was still summer. Classes weren’t in session and students hadn’t moved in yet. Almost all of the buildings in that area were out of function for at least another week.

You rapidly paced around in circles outside of the café, unable to contain the panic that was quickly building up within you. Your thoughts immediately began snowballing into wondering how Levi would be able to get out if the entire building went up in flames and that initial thought alone was able to immediately send you into a state of panic.

Realizing that catastrophizing while being restless outside wasn’t going to do anything, you tried to take a few deep breaths and went back inside. However, if you couldn’t focus before, then you really couldn’t focus now. Everything was beginning to bug you: the coffee machines were too loud, the air conditioning was whirring obnoxiously above you, your eyes hurt from squinting at your laptop screen, and even the feeling of your keyboard under your fingers was killing you. You were overstimulated. You felt like you were hearing every single background conversation within the building.

“Was that really Dr. Smith’s lab that got set ablaze?” you heard one student say.

Your entire body tensed up. 

Smith. 

Erwin Smith. 

That’s the lab that Levi works at.

“Yeah, it looked pretty bad. I hope everyone got out in time,” replied another student.

You felt your heart drop from your chest all the way into your stomach. Your skin grew cold and you felt your ability to breathe rapidly diminishing. Some part of your brain wanted to desperately believe that the student was wrong, or that you had misheard them.

You gave Marlo an intense look.

“Did you hear from Levi at all today?”

Marlo shook his head. You switched your gaze over to Nicolo, who also shook his head.

Feeling your breathing get dysregulated, you knew that a panic attack was approaching. Your hands were shaking as they hovered over your keyboard. You could barely keep yourself together. You had to leave. You had to go home and hope that Levi would come home. You had to know if he was okay.

The thought of something happening to him made you want to break down and cry on the spot. You didn’t want his last thought of you to be such a negative one. You didn’t want to lose him. You didn’t want your words of denouncing him and stating that you regretted agreeing to live with him again to be the last ones he heard from you.

You had lied the previous night when you told Petra that you wouldn’t give a shit if you never saw Levi again. The thought now devastated you. You wouldn’t be able to rest until you knew if he was okay—and you’d be absolutely horrified had something actually happened to him.

~~~~~

Going home didn’t make you feel much better. The only thing that helped was that you were alone, so that you could technically break down in a safe space if needed, but you didn’t want that either. 

You had rushed home, tossed your backpack onto the couch, and immediately ran to the freezer to grab an ice cube. You held it tightly in your hand, trying to focus on the somewhat burning-like sensation that it was creating in your palm as it melted. You were sitting at the dining room table, holding your fist over the table, not caring that there was now a puddle of melted water forming underneath your fist.

Your leg was bouncing up and down and you were still shaking. Holding the ice cube was painful as fuck, but you had to grip onto it tightly. If you let it go for even a second, you’d already feel yourself dissociating. You barely remembered the walk home—everything was a blur, your eyes were out of focus, and you couldn’t hear anything except for the blood rushing through your ears.

I couldn’t be bothered if I never had to interact with him ever again.

You spoke those words to Petra less than 24 hours ago. 

You felt tears building at the corners of your eyes as the lump in your throat began to rise up. What if your comment had jinxed it? 

What if you really did see him for the last time?

Suddenly all the memories of him being there for you began to flash through your head. You remembered him coaxing you through an anxiety attack. You remembered him staying by your side when you were dealing with nightmares. You remembered him coming to rescue you from your borderline abusive ex-boyfriend.

And all of that was just…gone.

You squeezed at the ice cube harder, swallowing down your tears. You couldn’t fathom losing him too. You hadn’t even fully processed the death of your parents, and imagining losing Levi too was too much to bear. 

You kept glancing down at your phone every time it lit up, hoping that it was a text from Levi. You didn’t even care if he sent you a text message full of insults meticulously designed to upset you. You just needed to hear that he was okay.

Instead, you were met with notifications from your various social media accounts, talking about some dumb party happening over the weekend or how upsetting the most recent episode of a drama was. It was driving you nuts, and you ended up having to turn all your notifications off other than direct messages. It took you much longer than it should have. You couldn’t stop your shaking.

You went through so many ice cubes that your hands were red and in pain and your fingers were so cold that you felt like you could barely move them. Every second that passed by was agonizing. You felt all of your muscles tense, shooting pain throughout every inch of your body, but you couldn’t get yourself to relax. 

Your head shot up immediately upon hearing the door handle. Your lips slightly parted as you fixated your gaze intensely at the door.

As soon as you saw his stupid, short figure step instead, you immediately stood up. Your movements were so rough that your chair made a sound of protest against the floor as you roughly forced it back. Part of you was scared to relax. You wondered if it was a hallucination—an image conjured up by your mind to help you process through the distress. Your breathing was unsteady as you tried to contain your shaking.

When you realized he was real, you felt as if all the air in your body was rushing back into you. You were still shaking, but you could at least now ground yourself in his presence. 

He was okay.

The relief threatened to engulf you and swallow you whole.

“Hi,” you said abruptly.

“Hi?” he said hesitantly, raising his eyebrow at your strange behavior.

You had to force yourself to look down to keep yourself from crying out in relief that he was here standing out in front of you. You heard him take a step forward.

You didn’t give him a chance to take another. You immediately rushed in, wrapping your arms around his neck, squeezing him in a tight hug as your tears finally fell. You buried your face into his shoulder, continuing to hold onto him tightly to reassure yourself that he was still there.

You had tried to hold yourself back, but you were so overwhelmed and so relieved that your body reacted before you had a chance to think about it or stop it from happening.

Your bottom lip quivered as you let out an unsteady breath.

“I-I’m so glad you’re okay,” you whispered, your voice barely audible. You were afraid that you were going to break into a full-on sob if you spoke any louder.

Levi froze under you, his eyes widening in shock, not expecting the sudden gesture, especially with how the two of you had fought the previous day.

He didn’t pull away. You felt his arms wrap around you, resting his hands on the back of your waist as you trembled against him.

You tightened your hug on his shoulders, as if you were afraid that he was going to disappear into dust the moment you let go. You took it back. You took it all back. You were lying when you said that you’d be okay with never seeing him again. Imagining that felt like literal hell. 

Now that you had him in front of you again, you never wanted to let go. You felt his hands on your waist, his heart beating against yours, and his breathing that helped stabilize yours. You still hadn’t fully processed how relieved you were when you saw him walk in through the door. 

You began to pull away, but you immediately pulled him back in shortly after, except this time, you planted your lips on his. You pulled him into a gentle, but deep kiss, as if you were wanting to communicate all the heartbreak and relief that you had felt throughout the past few hours through just the kiss itself. His lips were soft, just like you had imagined that one night when the two of you were on the Ferris Wheel. You recognized the earthy scent of his bedsheets that was much stronger now that you were up against him.

Before you could freeze upon realizing what you had done, you felt him return the kiss. He was surprisingly gentle as he further pressed his own lips upon yours, which made your heart pound with…excitement? Anxiety? Regret?

That ripped you out of your stupor and you immediately froze and drew back, holding your fingers up to your lips in horror at what you had just done.

“S-Sorry-”

You immediately averted your gaze, your face feeling hot, taking a few steps back. Embarrassed didn’t even begin to describe the horror coursing through your veins. 

If you had gathered the courage to look up, you’d see that his cheeks also had a hint of red to them, traveling up to the back of his ears. You could tell that he was standing agonizingly still.

He remained silent. He didn’t know what to say, and neither did you. You had been so caught up in the moment of relief of knowing that he was okay that you had impulsively pulled him into a hug and then a kiss without even giving yourself a moment to process what you were doing.

The silence was killing you. The tension from your fight before had been quickly replaced with another. 

You cleared your throat and forced yourself to talk—a distraction, if nothing else.

“H-Heard there was a fire at lab.”

It took him a few seconds to respond.

“Yeah?” he muttered. 

His voice was husky, likely from inhaling smoke. Now that you thought about it, in addition to that earthy scent you drew comfort from, there was also a hint of smoke mixed in. You quickly realized that he was likely walking through the smoke that was now clinging onto his clothing.

“Do…Do you want water?” you asked hesitantly. “I’ll get you water.”

Without even giving him a chance to respond, you turned and made a beeline to the kitchen to prep a glass of water for him, barely able to contain your shaking enough to hold the glass still against the dispenser.

He rarely got to see you in a caregiver-type mode, other than the few comments you’d make about the freshmen needing to be responsible when going out to parties. He never gave you a chance to.

He was too in his head to notice. Everything was overwhelming. He was still in survival mode after watching the lab go up in flames, although the feeling of your lips on his was able to somewhat rip him out of his thoughts and back into the present world. If he wasn’t in survival mode, he probably would have reacted much more to the kiss—and the fact that he had kissed you back.

It was probably for the best. Even if he did react, he didn’t know what to say, but he couldn’t deny that it helped him calm down enough to make his way to the dining room table and take a seat.

You handed him the glass of water and sat down next to him. 

You remained silent for a few minutes, wondering if you should talk about what had just happened. You knew the answer: yes, you did have to talk about it, but you decided against it. You glanced up at him, originally thinking he was just quiet about the kiss, but upon seeing his body posture and facial expression, you knew that something else was going on. He was incredibly tense and quiet, and his eyes weren’t entirely focused. You had never seen him in this state.

“What happened?” you asked quietly.

He looked at you with a grim expression.

“...something wasn’t plugged in properly or something,” he muttered, moving his gaze down from your eyes towards his hand that was now resting on the table.

“Everyone got out okay?”

He nodded.

You let out a sigh of relief upon the reassurance that everyone had got out safely, but you quickly realized that Levi did not look relieved at all.

“Lev’...?” you asked hesitantly. 

He turned his head slightly to the side, further avoiding your gaze.

You had a sneaking suspicion over what it was that he might have been upset about. After all, Levi was always talking about his papers and how easily he’d fall behind if he wasn’t diligent. Plus, Levi was not one to get upset easily.

Levi never talked about his financial struggles in undergrad, so you weren’t aware of all of the details behind his mixed emotions towards the higher education system, but you knew that he busted his ass to get to where he was and that he’d be absolutely devastated if all of that were to just suddenly disappear.

“Where’s your phone?” you began asking, probing him to see if your suspicions were right.

No response.

“Your laptop?”

Still no response.

“Lev’-”

“Can you cut it out with the fucking questions already?!” he scolded, finally speaking up and cutting you off. You saw him clench up his fist and grit his teeth. He was desperately trying to hold himself together.

Part of you wanted to be hurt by his harshness and dismissive tone. Part of you wanted to be offended, but you knew he was hurting.

You immediately got up, and Levi looked further away, assuming that you were going to storm out of the apartment or lock yourself in your room because you got offended.

His breath got caught in his throat when you instead pulled him into another hug, this time holding his head against your chest.

“It’s okay,” you whispered as you held him tightly. “You can ask for help if you need it, Levi. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Those words hit close to home for him—because he really did have to go through everything on his own. His mom passed away when he was a kid and his uncle was useless and negligent. Every step that he had taken towards getting to where he was now was taken on his own.

He remained quiet as he listened to your heart beating against your chest. It was taking everything to hold himself together, but he couldn’t deny that having you against him brought him a slight sense of calm that was enough to keep him from falling apart right then and there.

“...don’t need your help,” he mumbled, shrugging you off.

He’s always had to do things on his own. This wasn’t any different.

You squatted down in front of him so that he couldn’t keep avoiding your gaze, looking at him directly in those pained gray eyes of his.

“You’re lying.”

He looked away.

You leaned towards him so that he couldn’t fully avoid your gaze no matter how hard he tried.

“Even if you didn’t need my help, you lost both your phone and your laptop. What else did you lose?”

He remained silent as he clenched his fist in irritation. All he needed right now was for you to go away so he could figure this whole ordeal out.

“Levi Ackerman, if you think I’m a pain in the ass at baseline, you can be certain I’ll be 100x more of a pain in the ass if you don’t talk now.”

You rarely showed this side of you. Even when you were in “mom mode” around the freshmen, it was always muted down. You’ve generally suppressed this side of you because other people generally thought it was annoying, but you were sick of pretending. You were sick of putting on that submissive façade for everyone else’s benefit except your own.

Plus, it allowed you to distract yourself from the fact that you had impulsively kissed him.

Levi’s lips parted to speak, but it took a few seconds before any actual words came out.

“...the papers are gone,” he said quietly. “All the papers and data and research I’ve gathered. Just fucking…gone.”

His voice was slightly wavering towards the end. If you looked closer, you could see that he was even shaking, likely from a mix of overwhelm, rage, and despair. He really was pouring all of his energy into keeping himself together. You could understand why he would be distraught.

“What did you save them on?”

Levi scoffed in disbelief at your continued questioning.

“Does it fucking matter?! My entire laptop went down. Everything saved on there is gone.”

You didn’t back off.

“Answer the question,” you said sternly.

He finally looked up at you, bewildered with your persistence.

“Word,” he said after a long pause, accompanied with a glare shot in your direction. “Microsoft Word.”

“Is it a school account that you use for it?”

He blinked at you in confusion.

“Why the hell does that-”

He was interrupted by you snapping in his eyes to get his attention.

“Answer the question, for fuck’s sake.”

He clenched his jaw as he stared at you in disapproval. He had never seen you like this and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

“Yes, it’s a school account,” he whispered, still unsure of why you were asking. “What’s your point?”

You didn’t answer him, immediately going over to the couch and pulling out your own computer.  You came back and set it on the dining table, taking care to avoid the little puddle of water that had formed from when you were desperately squeezing the ice cubes earlier.

He didn’t see what you were exactly doing, but he vaguely saw you pull up a web browser version of Microsoft OneDrive.

You pushed your laptop towards him.

“Log in.”

He just stared at you without making a move towards your computer, skeptical as to what you were trying to do.

“Fire alarms give you hearing loss?” you said in an exasperated tone. “Log in.”

He still shot you a skeptical look, but eventually went to type in his login information.

The frown immediately disappeared off his face and you saw his eyes slightly lighten up upon seeing nearly all of his files show up on the screen.

“It likely didn’t sync anything too recent if the internet went out, but at least everything from before should be there.”

He slightly glanced at you, unsure of what to say. You had literally saved his ass.

Part of you forgot that although he didn’t seem like it, Levi was not the best when it came to navigating modern technology. You even recalled when you first moved in with him and you essentially had to fist fight him to let you set up an automated payment system for rent and utilities.

You gave him an awkward nod and shuffled around a bit, suddenly self-conscious now that his eyes were on you and the immediate tension had dissipated.

“My laptop went down at some point before the whole…thing with Zack happened,” you began to explain, pausing slightly when you brought up what you now simply deemed as The Shitshow™. “Thought I lost all of my work on my light novel and that I’d have to start over. Found out the school has a cloud system…so as long as your main account is logged into on your laptop, it’ll upload.”

He was silent as his hand gently hovered over your keyboard.

“And the school will be willing to help finance a new laptop for you,” you continued, “or at least to let you use one of theirs when needed.”

No explanation was needed. Even from the minimal amount of information that you were giving him, he could tell that you previously had to navigate your way through the school resources for crises.

“...thanks,” he finally mumbled after a while.

Your eyes widened. You had genuinely not expected a direct thanks from him.

“You’re welcome.”

Your eyes flashed between him and your laptop screen.

“I…”

You shut your mouth after you trailed off. Now that the immediate disaster was handled, the other disaster came to mind: your shared kiss. 

You wondered if you should bring it up, and so did he.

“...I’ll give you some time to sort through everything,” you eventually said, deflecting the potential topic. “I want my laptop back eventually though.”

You pointed at your laptop, shooting a small half-smile at him to try to lighten the mood.

He nodded and began clicking through his files.

“_____,” he quietly called out right after you got up and began walking towards your room. “Thanks.”

He thanked you again and you smiled at him this time.

“Don’t mention it,” you responded quietly before turning back towards your room.

Once the door was shut behind you, you collapsed face-up onto your bed, staring at the ceiling fan.

The past few hours had been a complete emotional rollercoaster. You had gotten into a fight last evening, been anxious literally all night, morning, and afternoon, had panicked over if he had gotten hurt in the fire, been anxious again from waiting, before kissing him and jumping into caregiver mode right after.

Your face completely flushed up again upon realizing that you had kissed him. A part of you was really embarrassed, but a bigger part of you was just confused.

He had kissed you back.

If he didn’t, you’d be able to just write it off as high emotions and that you were reacting out of instinct or that you didn’t have another outlet to express your relief that he was okay—but he did kiss you back. Now, you’d be forced to explore whatever the hell that meant.

You couldn’t help but feel a small smile tug at the corners of your lips as you remembered the feeling of his soft lips on yours and his firm grasp on your back during it. You couldn’t help but draw comfort from how it felt when you had your arms wrapped around him as you impulsively embraced him. Chaos had literally just struck your lives, yet the feeling of him on you was enough to bring you some sense of calm during the middle of it.

No matter what else you told yourself, or what else you tried to do to distract yourself, you couldn’t get the feeling of his lips on yours out of your head.

aight so 1) the publish early option on the poll won, and 2) consider this an apology for making july so angsty skdfjksdjf #: @levisbrat25 @gothgril69 @sckerman @berrijam @notgoodforlife @meowjaa @averysmolbear @roseofdarknessblog @bejewelledd @hhighkey @ayame236 @sad-darksoul @velouria17 @kamyru @l1zk4 @layenacreates @lamees004 @whoami-72 @highgoon69 @chaotic-on-main @levishotgf @nube55 @chosos-mascara @heichoucleanfreak @svftackerman @alexkibutsuji @moonchild-angel

[cu1er]

Oblivion — Neymar Jr.

(see pt. 2 here)

Summary: After winning the UWCL with Barcelona, you end up face-to-face with Neymar on the field amidst celebrations as he has an epiphany.

Warnings: Pining, angst-ish, Neymar and reader are in their early 20s (to fit the timeline), happy ending, not proofread because Tumblr wanted to delete my proofread version and make me rewrite it x

A/N: First story on here (& first time writing for a man), I hope the 2 remaining Neymar fans on this app enjoy 😕.

You had been a player for FC Barcelona since you were 15 years old. You spent many years at your grassroots club before working your way up through the academy once the offer arose, and that eventually led to you becoming a player for the senior women’s team. The most important thing to you out of your whole career was your best friend, Neymar.

One thing about Neymar was that he loved fun, whether it was doing skill after skill on the pitch or dancing on a table as he sprayed champagne in the locker rooms. This playful nature of his made it natural for him to be a big partygoer.

He'd take any opportunity as an excuse to throw a party. On the weekends, after a big match, even before a big match, you name it; Neymar Junior was a party animal.

That made loving him even harder than it already was.

You'd walk into a room and see him buried underneath girls upon girls. Not even long after, he'd be up on his feet and dancing, his arm on another woman's waist as he smiled and enjoyed himself, allowing her to grind up on him. You pretended you didn't care, but it was easier said than done.

Some nights, you saw him take someone by their hand and lead them up the stairs as he smiled at them. It didn't take a genius to figure out what happened behind that locked door; the grunts and heavy breathing spoke for itself.

You liked him, and it hurt. Every party was agony for you as much as it was fun for him, but you stayed. You could never justify why.

It was good motivation on the pitch. The need to be the best elsewhere if you couldn't be the best for him was the only thing guiding you on the pitch as you put up numbers and slowly started to perform better than you ever had.

His parties didn't stop. The hookups never stopped. Over time, you became less aware of them, because you stopped showing up. It was all part of you accepting that he didn't like you the way you liked him and you'd never be one of the lucky women he takes up to his room for the night, no matter how hard you wished. Just best friends.

Since you had reinforced the idea of him being a best friend to you, passing him between training and at club events became easier. The recounts of his latest girl became less of a blow.

"Meu Deus, I am starving," he grumbled, suddenly appearing behind you as you loaded your plate with breakfast. He didn't hold back on piling his plate either. You two found a table and sat down beside each other.

"Did you not eat dinner or something?" You asked with an eyebrow raised as he ravaged his plate of food. He shook his head and looked at you with a smirk, "I had a different kind of dinner."

"Ets tan repugnant," you muttered, shaking your head. He laughed and nudged you. With what little knowledge of the Catalan language he had, he replied. "I'm kidding! I didn't have anyone over, it was just me. I'm done with all that."

You looked at him with disbelief until his eyes softened. "I'm serious. I want to settle." The genuine expression on his face made it hard to suspect him of lying, so you nodded.

"I've got training on the field. I'll see you later," you spoke, finishing off your breakfast and doing your dishes before leaving the cafeteria.

He watched you go; the reason for his decision. The scraps of his breakfast were left on his plate as he stood up and left the cafeteria in a hurry, hoping that he'd get to the gym or the pitch or even the locker rooms and see someone else.

That didn't happen. He was left with his own thoughts in the hollow and cold locker room. Every fling wasn't worth the 20 minutes of pleasure. It wasn't even his own pleasure. He didn't know why he kept chasing that feeling when, 5 fucks in, he never received it. He felt absent from his own body every time the door locked behind him and a body hit the mattress. Now it was obvious why that was happening.

When he finally left the locker room, he paused in front of the field. The women of the Barcelona women's team crowded the field, but his eyes restlessly searched for you. When he couldn't find you, he became hyper-aware of the time he had spent just standing there, and he practically sprinted off.

This didn't go unnoticed by you, and from behind Alexia's figure you could clearly see him disappearing into the facilities.

The Women's Champions League was the most talked about event within the club as it inched closer. That was one of the big things you loved about the club; no matter the gender, football was football. Both teams received the same support, as long as you played in the blaugrana. It was also being held in Bilbao, so basically next door, which meant more people from the club would be able to catch a flight and see the match.

The weeks following the final consisted of lots of nerves and what-ifs, but once you got on the team bus, it all disappeared somehow. You loved the bus rides with your team; even though it was such a simple activity, it was better than any real team bonding activity. You settled quickly beside Patri and behind Claudia and Ingrid.

As you listened to Patri's quiet snores beside you, you thought to yourself for a moment. You knew that the men didn't have any more matches scheduled for the rest of the month, and some of them would definitely be travelling to Bilbao to watch the final. Part of you hoped he would be part of the select few flying to Bilbao, going out of his way to come watch you and your team play.

You would've thought harder about it all, but your exhaustion caught up to you and you spent 3 and a half hours out of the long 6 hour drive sleeping. When you woke up, you spent a bit more time thinking, and the rest of the ride was spent engaging in conversations with your teammates before you drifted into a light sleep once again. When you woke up again, you had arrived in Bilbao.

Somehow, Fridolina's hoodie had been your pillow the whole time and one of your slides underneath the seat while the other was barely on your foot and you were sharing a fluffy blanket with Patri that was definitely not there earlier... it was a state for sure. Groggily, you all piled off the bus, your sweatpants rolled up to your knees in pantaloons as you walked off the bus.

The weather was nice and warm and despite the initial tiredness amongst the team, everyone was happy. You had a positive feeling about the final that awaited you, and you shared this thought with Alexia. You thanked the Lord for the absence of the media crew, because judging by your reflection in your phone screen, you looked horrific as you waddled into the hotel lobby.

Neymar had barely escaped your mind despite everything going on around you, but you didn't have time to think about him, not with Ale right beside you, her arm wrapped around you as she squeezed your shoulder. She was like a big sister to you in a sense, and for that you were grateful. It gave you relief, because you finally felt like you could open up to someone about your feelings for Neymar that were feeling like an eternal issue.

As you checked into your hotel room, something in your gut told you that your stay in Bilbao would be very special in ways that went beyond the Champions League. You could only wait for Saturday and see for yourself.

[thr-333]

In other news- because tbh this other au holds more meaning in my heart (just cuz of how I relate to Donnie the most out of all of the aus), I genuinely am craving for angst with hurt/comfort for Leo Jr au.

sooo time for THOUGHTS I really am longing for moments with Leo Jr and Donnie, because...hnk- Donnie actually receiving comfort, care, patient understanding and acceptance instead of being told to suck it up or being ridiculed/treated like a ticking time bomb???? Means the world to me????? Idk- I guess my soul just aches for this version of Donnie who didn't get that safe space Leonardo's Donnie did. (i get the au is mainly Leo-centric, but for some reason this version of Don-tron ya created has somehow wormed his way into my heart and he is truly my favorite iteration in terms of aus???)

When I tell you that I felt my heart break over the silly comic where Leonardo says that Leo Jr and Casey Jr are twins, solely due to what that implies to the overall story. In a sense, Leo Jr gets to have variations of the life he would have if he hadn't been kidnapped (by all technicalities Leo Jr IS a victim of kidnapping no matter how wholesome it turned out to be). He gets to know the joys of having a twin, of being able to goof around and laugh, being understood/accepted, being able to make friends and be a kid! Meanwhile...Donnie (the one who was MEANT to have Leo as his twin) didn't get any of that. It hit hard that, even if it wasn't intentional by any means, Don was "easily replaced." (which idk if it's intentional or not, but that seems to be a reoccurring theme for the spiny softshell in this au). He'll never really have that close knit bond, not know what it's like, even if Leo Jr and him do grow close during their teenage years. Because in this reality, the "Disaster Twins" exist, Donnie's just not apart of it. Which is just another way that shows how much of a stranger the kid is to everyone who is supposed to be his family; his father, two brothers, and even the one who was at one point meant to be his twin.

That thought is sorta what led me down the rabbit hole of Leo Jr AU! Don brainrot. The kid's reality is one of neglect, extreme isolation, fear and...probably a deep well of self-hatred, loneliness, non existent self-worth, etc. (we saw how he struggled with in Rise Canon, so i can only imagine it is so much worse in this au). I can only imagine that this also impacts his ninpo and mystics later on, which probably is going to make his self-esteem take a nosedive.

Ngl if Leonardo's twin (who I'm gonna call Tello) is actually watching over his past self, it makes me wonder what he's thinking. His pov would be intriguing consider he'd be witnessing how much pain his twin's actions caused. Idk- I just- when I look at everything from this particular au, it makes me hope that Donnie is allowed to feel his big feelings without people trying to rush him. He should be allowed to be terrified, hurt, angry, etc towards Splinter and Leonardo. Neither of them deserve his forgiveness, because shit- both of them fucked up big time. They both caused complex trauma...and like- really need to face consequences. (apart of me sorta hopes Donnie DOESN'T forgive them) dakjsfsadfas sorry for rambling, not sure if any of that made sense, but I just- I have so many feelings about Donnie in the Leo Jr au, and really want to see more of him!

The sewers were a gross place to live if you asked Junior but Splinter refused to move to the hidden city. Luckily he had his portals meaning he could step into the already cleaned portion they called a home.

“Leo!” Mikey was the first to notice him. Dropping the plates on the table he was setting them vaulting over it, “You came!”

“It’s still Junior,” He reminded for the umpteenth time, “And yeah I said I would,”

Mikey collided into him for a hug. Junior gave a small wave to Raph- or Red, probably Red as the snapper wasn’t meeting his eyes while trying to hide his scowl. Splinter was setting the table in Mikeys stead, making wayyy too much eye contact as he kept staring at Junior. He was placing the plates down carelessly. The one in front of Donnie was placed down with a crack, only Junior caught his flinch.

“Great, he’s here, I saw him,” Donnie pushed away from the table in a frenzied movement, “Can I please leave now,”

“Purple your brother is here, that is more important than some computer,” Splinter snapped. No one took note of the way both Donnie and Junior cringed. 

“Nah he’s just tryna get out of showing me his lab since he promised last time,” Junior stepped forward and away from Mikey.

“I did no such thing,” Donnie scowled at him as Junior came around to his side,

“No use backing out now Dee,” Junior grinned, shuffling towards Donnie so the softshell backed away. Kind of like herding a very liable to bite sheep, “I’m expecting the grand tour, don't wait up everyone! “

But dinner…” Junior pretended he didn’t hear Mikey as he walked Donnie towards his room office lab space.

It was empty, with sections obviously organized out to put things there but with not enough actual stuff to do it. Donnie held himself like a tightly drawn string as they walked in. Not looking at Junior as the red slider circled around to the other's bed.

“What did you want to see?” Donnie asked tiredly as Junior came up behind him, “Most of my stuff is at the old place, or the other old place, or-”

Donnie was cut off by the blanket being draped over his head like a tablecloth.

“Nothing much,” Junior shrugged stepping away as Donnie went very still under the blanket, “Just had to get out of there, think I might sit quietly against a wall for the next half hour, not say anything, not do anything, you know how it is,”

Junior slid down the wall. He would have to go back eventually, or the others would break down the door and pull them both back to dinner. He estimated he had about thirty six minutes before that happened and that he could convince them to leave Donnie be. He’d say he asked if the softshell could make something for him. Something big so Donnie would have an excuse to disappear for the next week or so. They tended not to bother the other turtle as much if they thought he was doing stuff for the yokai.

The blanket shuffled, bunching up on the ground as Donnie sat near him. Only just within arms reach. He was covered head to toe, curled up and completely silent. Junior occupied himself trying to come up with a believable project. Maybe a new mask? That way he could wear his old one and the others would never know, it’s not like Splinter ever let them follow Junior to the battle nexus.

The blanket shifted but Donnie didn’t emerge. A hand poked out the bottom, listing up the cloth and bunching it up while still keeping the soft shell hidden. Junior reached his hand out halfway. Donnie couldn't see it but paused when his searching hand brushed up against it. Junior kept still, waiting, not minding one way or the other.

Donnie held his fingers, squeezing lightly. Junior squeezed back, not taking Donnie’s whole hand but meeting him where he was. It was pleasant, it was quiet. The noise from the others blocked off. A little bubble away from everything where they could just be. 

Junior thought growing up in the sewers may have not been all bad… if he got to do it with Donnie.

[tahto]

A little Zhuiling ramble

Dark!Lan Sizhui is one of my favourite things to write but it can be a challenge for me. Keeping the balance between his darker thoughts and the outwardly nice, ideal disciple image he portrays. To show he’s dark not because he’s a Wen. And on the flip side that there can be a dark side to being a Lan too. To me, the root of his darkness isn’t a want for revenge, not purely at least, but a desire to protect and maintain what he has, as someone who had little to call his own. It is a need to love as singularly as a Lan, and as intensely as a Wen.

Speaking of what he has. The relationship I like to focus on is his one with Jin Ling - someone who Lan Sizhui has accepted into his life by choice. It’s implied that he spends more time with him after the main story concludes, enough that he even absorbs Jin Ling’s fighting style, and takes punishments from his sect because he goes on night hunts with his friends so often. Jin Ling is very much like him, closest to the heart of the Sunshot Campaign, but young enough at the time to have not been involved in the fighting and machinations. They grew up as polar opposites, one coddled and spoiled, the other in the burial mounds and later raised in a strict sect. They definitely have a lot to learn from each other, and can help each other grow through their similarities yet different perspectives.

Those differences would definitely frustrate Lan Sizhui but also intrigue him, because Jin Ling pushes back. Jin Ling looks at his perfect-discipleness and then acts like a little shit, he doesn’t praise easily or defer to him like the rest of his peers. He’s hard-won. He challenges Lan Sizhui’s stance on demonic cultivation, because to Jin Ling it’s personal. Jin Ling expresses his emotions freely without care of consequence. He doesn’t care that Lan Sizhui is the leader of the Lan juniors, he’ll jump in front of him and declare that he’ll kill any ghost for him.

And Lan Sizhui would be drawn in by that. This person whose family is the enemy of his, who protects him so earnestly and makes his blood boil. Who is unfailingly kind despite his sect’s influence and spoiling, and genuinely wants to help the common people just like he does - something a lot of those in power have forgotten. It’s the perfect irony, the last living Wen and the Jin heir. Here is someone who cares about him, shares family secrets with him, and shows that it’s okay to be unfiltered and relax around him. He’s Lan Sizhui’s friend and it took work to break through that tough shell, but that only makes it more satisfying.

Now that he has it, like hell is he letting this go.

[oratoful]

did someone say hatoful oc

This is Ulrich Althaus! A 22 year old Hawk Party member who primarily does internal operations regarding programming and technology in general. Me and my friend actually have an entire AU dedicated to expanding on the tensions between the Hawk and Dove party and the internal corruption of the Dove party. I'd adore infodumping about it once we have it more wrapped up and cohesive.

Spoiler stuff regarding general hatoful world-lore and things of the like. I wanna be safe soOOOOOOOOOO

Ulrich became a hawk operative when he was around 13 years of age. Having an interest in tech from a young age, he was placed in advanced courses within his school. Very cool and good, I know. His father was a liaison within Europe and was killed by the Human Liberation Force due to a miscommunication between parties. As a result, Ulrich learns to despise humans. He's visited by a hawk researcher (Raphael, who I will make a post about) who offers him a position within their junior programming division. He claims there are benefits and that Ulrich could do with not hauling himself in his and his mother's home due to his father's death. His mother, begrudgingly, accepts the offer, realizing that not only will the facility offer him higher education for his intelligence, but it will actively watch over him.

Unbeknownst to her, of course, Ulrich becomes ensnared in Hawk activities. He's an overly prideful man who feels the need to avenge his father's name/live up to his family's expectations. Of course, he doesn't realize that in this universe, his father would absolutely loathe what he's done. He would hate the man his son has become. He’s completely tarnishing the efforts faust made toward human and bird peace in an attempt to bring a vengeance his father would’ve never wanted.

Hatoful Ulrich seeks to make it known that he doesn't cut corners and that he wants to get back at humans for their assumed atrocities (he has a biased viewpoint bc those are fun). I imagine he's absolutely made spyware with the sole purpose of information gauging and getting data for the hawk party. He covers his tracks pretty well while also leaving annoying damage for the doves to fix.

As a little fun side thing, I like to imagine the Programming and Technical department he works for is a subsidiary for SecOps. They bleed into each other very often. As a result, this rude little man butts heads with Tohri SO OFTEN before Tohri ends up pursuing other work. (in mine and nick's au he stays in the lab for longer)

Would love to get more into him sometime he's so in depth UGHHH.

for some fun facts with him:

He uses a mobility aid! He's my cane rep

He hates being helped. It makes him feel like he's being looked down on. One of my other researchers often hovers over him due to how often he tries to push his physical limitations. Ulrich has flogged him. Twice.

autistic. He's so crude/judgmental in speech. He also doesn't care to drop formality and say when he doesn't like someone.

He often works from home and doesn't enjoy coming into the lab for work.

Ulrich is genuinely painfully vindictive and efficient though. I feel like if he had the motivation to back something like the hawk party, he'd leave destruction in his wake. I also think that motherfucker would tamper with machinery to make it fail on researchers he doesn't like

He trips people with his tail if they make him angry enough. He's a little PRICK

speaking of little he actually stands smaller than most other peafowl

Him and Tohri have a WEIRD relationship. They're the best of friends one day and they're trying to kill each other the next day. It's impossible to tell what they actually feel about each other.

[venturismcdonald]

We've all acknowledged that Casey's the one who theoretically lives in delusion as far as her relationship with Derek is concerned. But the rest of the family knew. Everyone knew except for Casey and I find that so beautiful.

I headcanon Derek accepts he has (ugh) feelings for Casey in the soccer cheating episode (my beloved) because he spends an entire weekend that could have been spent doing literally anything else walking around the house like a zombie in existential crisis. Which, to be fair, is probably an apt description of Derek at the time: the girl he knows he's never been neutral about is the girl he happens to romantically care about and be attracted to. It's made worse because she's the one girl he could never have, but she's right there. All the time.

Edwin realizes that in that episode as well; he's the one who witnesses Derek's scheming and crisis the most. Derek calls Edwin in and there's way too many feelings on his face as Derek's barely able to conceal that he cares. He already knows he cares about Lizzie and there was no crisis about that, no moping around for three days. But Casey? This is the most emotional thing Edwin has witnessed in the entire show from Derek.

Sam probably figures out Casey's feelings around when Casey blows off their monthaversary to spy on Derek's date with Emily. I think the fight in the bullying episode is when he realizes Derek actually has feelings that are deeper than base level attraction, though (I will die on the hill that the fight was a huge moment in their relationship). He's a little dumb, alright?

Dennis, for all that he is neglecting his daughters (because boy, he wrote the fucking book on that one!), realizes once Derek calls him. It's implied Derek basically guilt trips him into coming back and that is, to his credit, exactly what happens. Derek wouldn't do that for someone he doesn't give a fuck about, like he pretends not to. Dennis assumes it'll go away (it doesn't) and that even if Casey reciprocates, it'll never be acted on (it might be.)

Marti realizes in the forcefield activated episode. She's witnessed the largest extent of both of their feelings in that episode: Derek's genuine care and kindness as far as her anxiety goes and Casey's determination to help him succeed because that's how she shows her care. It's all culminated (for her, at least) in the scene where Derek finds out he passed his exam and him and Casey do their dorky high five thing before she asks him to help at the camp for another week. Derek agrees and he's grinning at Casey and Casey is giving him her best puppy dog eyes and grinning and Marti knows because, well, it's pretty damn obvious.

Emily knows at prom, junior year. Yeah, she has to help clean up Derek's mess, but he wouldn't want to fix it if Casey didn't matter to him. She's known that Casey matters, but Derek even showed up to the stupid dance to make sure she had a good night. And once she realizes that Derek has feelings, well, it's so much easier to see that Casey does too. Knowing one of them is in love with the other makes everything click into place.

Max figures it out after the breakup. It makes sense; Casey had ditched him for Derek a million times and every time, Derek had grand gestured his way back into her good graces.

Kendra probably realizes that Derek loves Casey around the episode where she tries to set her up. He attempts sabotage, which is normal, but he gives a shit about her and it's gross and she kinda likes him more for it. (I headcanon Kendra, Derek and Casey all stay friends because that's basically canon anyway.)

Truman... When Truman first comes to the school, I'm placing bets that everyone tells him Casey's dating Derek. Teenagers are brutal and they weren't super far off the mark. And I assume his actions after that are with the understanding that there's more truth to those words than either of them would admit.

Ralph, I love him very much, he sort of assumes they're dating from like a week after she moves to London on half the time. I also presume he's high for half his screentime.

Lizzie realizes at the dance competition. She sees that and there's this chemistry she can't deny and it just clicks.

Nora and George live in willful ignorance from the bathroom scene in 1.03 on. They just will not acknowledge there's anything going on there because there isn't anything, technically.

Sally probably figures it out after her and Derek break up. It's probably very casual, just happens on a Tuesday or something when she sees a picture of the two of them on Facebook or something.

Casey's the last to know. She only realizes it when they actually have to acknowledge they're going to university together, four and a half hours away from the family, the people who have been the forefront of her denial (which she quite liked, it's incredibly rude that it had to be interrupted for this emotional crisis) and that's why she says "same difference." It's obvious she doesn't mean it, but she's trying to place the boundary: introduce me as a sister so I can shove you into the brother box, please.

[dirtbra1n]

it’s always when I have things to be doing that this happens but it’s like. I don’t know I’ve gone so far into weird love territory and I’ve been here so long that when I go back and really look at canon it’s like it’s new to me. because like do you ever think about how hanzawa masato just sort of DECIDED that tashiro would be the next captain of the ping pong club. like it wasn’t a recommendation or anything that decision was made. and absolutely if tashiro genuinely GENUINELY didn’t want to do it nothing bad would have really happened, someone else could have done it, sure. you know? but at the end of the day tashiro, in the midst of his running away, had that thought, like. not in a thought bubble but in a b Hold on

in the narration box. like it’s not a fleeting in-the-moment thought like the whole poor shmuck thing. I’m not explaining this well. it’s just you get the impression that tashiro thinks about things a lot and also tangentially kind of thinks about his hanzawa senpai a lot and that realization of burden is so significant to tashiro that he takes on the position of captain

and he doesn’t look him in the face when he does it, and I love it. I love when things are indirect and subtle and sort of reluctant because it’s human and speaks to sincerity and tashiro’s grounded…ness that he isn’t unflinchingly happy to do it. he still doesn’t really want to do it. but he will. and he’ll do it WELL. because and this so matters hanzawa masato just sort of DECIDED that tashiro would be the next captain of the ping pong club because he knows tashiro and has been watching tashiro as a fun kouhai who he likes a lot and who makes him laugh like literally no one else in the world, and he knows that he would be a good president because he is, amongst other relevant things, a good person. the right kind of good person! he wouldn’t have forced tashiro to do it because frankly he couldn’t REALLY force tashiro to do it, tashiro has a way of getting around things (pudding head….) but he decided tashiro would be captain, because he knows tashiro, and tashiro decided to take that on, because he sees hanzawa. he decided that tashiro would be captain, and tashiro decided to accept that decision because hanzawa decided correctly.

and tashiro cares, and encourages his senpai to rest, and we get the FUCKING.

that just speaks VOLUMES. hanzawa masato who notoriously stays busy for at least one of two known reasons that sound a little contradictory but aren’t actually is resting right now. hanzawa masato who is so weird and so unknowable to his juniors is wearing a small smile that, unlike so many of his other ones (ominous as they are, usually), shows for only contentment. he’s resting right now. like the tashiro gonzaburou hanzawa masato dynamic IS so weird I’m not delusional for that. but my favorite thing that I think I do a really bad job of showing is that their exchanges go back and forth and are so much fun for the both of them, and it’s exactly like PING PONG. well matched and silly and hanzawa masato knows tashiro gonzaburou and if tashiro gonzaburou doesn’t know hanzawa masato he sure as hell sees him, and wants to know him, just a little at least, and it’s all so much. I’m resting right now. fuck. anyway

[evita-shelby]

National Anthem

Chapter 11

Cw: mentions of children's illnesses, disabled children and premonitions of death

Taglist: @zablife @thegreatdragonfruta

September 1923

To their credit, the boys don’t cry on their first day of school. Technically it is just kindergarten and they’ll be out by noon giving them no time to miss them, or so he comforts his wife who didn’t bring her handkerchief.

Both are very excited about their new clothes and things and the carefully packed lunches Eva made herself with little handwritten notes that make you think she will never see them again.

Blamed it on the baby, but Jack knows her and will tease her about it for the rest of their lives.

“Oh, don’t tell me you didn’t get a spring in your step when the boys bragged about you to everyone who would listen.” She teases him in return, and he refuses to admit that he did enjoy the clear admiration his boys have for him to anyone else but her.

He can do no wrong, he is the greatest man to walk the earth and they are too young to know it’s the exact opposite. But for now, he will gladly accept their hero worship of him.

“Do you think Rosie might be able to start school next year?” He can’t help but ask her that.

Rosie was different from other kids her age, still had trouble speaking, writing and prone to fits. The new nanny was good with her, she had experience with children like Rosie, but even then being cared for at home was way different from school.

Jack had been bullied for being too tall, too Irish and catholic, Gina hadn’t fared any better at private school. His kids had a foreign mother and he knew how kids like his girl were treated to know it will be bad.

Jack didn’t think being a father would have him like this, most fathers just leave everything to their wives and now he’s here in a car worrying himself to death.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, I suppose.”

The boys do better than they expect. In fact, he can’t recall ever being excited for school like they are. So excited they’ve been talking his ear off as he tries to get some work done in the home office.

“They want to go on the bus, tomorrow. They asked me to convince you to let them.” Jack brings forth the twins’ petition in a strange turn of events. It’s always the other way around, Eva being the one to convince him for something they want.

She’s always had a way to ‘convince’ him and now it’s his turn. Not that the kids will ever know their impassioned arguments worked on him because of the nasty, disrespectful sex Jack and Eva have before or after it.

“Let’s see if you can do a better job than me, Mr. Nelson.” Eva teases him, pretending she’s not terrified of letting the boys go on the bus.

Even at the tender age of four, Joey and Junior knew something wasn’t quite right with their mother. They knew she had nightmares, terrible things that left her in a shit state after, and how afraid she was of them being far from her reach.

“I vetted the driver and most of the staff at the school district in August. They’ll be safe from them at least.” He had assumed that had been obvious, but it didn’t help to remind her that.

“I thought you were going to fuck me, Jack.” His wife accepts the new information but still complains at him genuinely trying to make her see reason.

“I will, once you agree to let them go on the bus.”

December 1st, 1924

As far as people will know, they are perfect.

Eva has won over the PTA, Jack’s no longer bothered by the other moms ---and schoolteachers he had a past with--- flirting with him and the children are doing great.

The twins played team sports and Rosie would be allowed to start school later ---the twins had been allowed to start early due to exceptional brightness. Kitty was born well and was reaching milestones at the expected time and just seen her first birthday. They’d even gotten a dog to complete the picture of an all-American family this Christmas.

Everything was perfect.

Even his dealings in the underworld were going great. He owned a stake of the Cotton Club despite how Eva hated how racist it was, the Spiniettas were gearing up for a vendetta with the Shelbys because they got hit when shit hit the fan and Jack was all too ready to sweep in and take it all.

Who would stop them?

“Happy Birthday, Evie.” Jack kissed his wife good morning, the taste of her pussy still on his tongue from the way he woke up the sleeping beauty.

She hates the cold and lucky her, she’s got him to keep her warm.

“How much time do we have before the children wake up?” Eva pulled him back for another kiss and reached for the waistband of his pajama pants, can’t risk getting caught naked by the kids again.

“Enough, I think. It’s a school day.” Two more weeks of school before they spend the holidays down in Florida like they always do. Now they had to come back when winter break ended instead of staying until the worst of winter ended.

They could’ve left this week but the boys were in the Christmas pageant and somehow dressing in itchy costumes for hours was seen as better than Christmas at the beach. Its not like they had any lines anyways, Joey couldn’t remember his and Jack never said his with a straight face.

They don’t get far when Junior knocks insistently saying his throat hurts. Neither Jack nor Eva didn’t expect spending the next sixteen days nursing the boys through Scarlet Fever. A deadly illness without good enough cures yet.

It falls on Jack to care for the girls while Eva quarantines herself in the boys’ room. They pull through, Junior being the one to make them fear the worst.

“I had a dream I died, daddy.” Junior says solemnly when they watch the quarantine posters from the windows burn in their fireplace and leave out the cookies for Santa. “Not like last week, I was a grown up and sitting in the back of a car. My head hurt a lot when I woke up.”

Jack Nelson will never forget those words for as long as he lives, bur for Eva’s sake he will not tell her their son has dreamed of his own death.

[all-pacas]

Why was House stepping on their neck during Teamwork? Is it cause he could see the writing on the wall and wanted to save both of them some time? Why would he bother? Is it because he just likes knowing things the others don't and rubbing their faces in it? Or does genuinely care?

Can it be all of the above, lol

I think a few things are going on.

House wants a team. He's not interested in hiring again; once he has a team he really, really likes sticking with them. We see this in S8, where he spends several episodes talking about how he can't wait for Taub and Chase to come back long before they do. We see it here, with him actively recruiting 13 and Taub along with Chase and Cameron. He has three slots, he wants 13, Taub and…

He absolutely sees the writing on the wall. He helpfully spells it out for Chase: the marriage is over. And House isn't stupid; he knows that once Cameron and Chase split up, he's not getting them both on the team. But he can still get one.

House knows Cameron is on her way out.

HOUSE: Chase is relaxed, at ease, in lockstep with you again. I guess he finally told you that he iced Idi Amin Junior. Does that mean he can break the other nine commandments too? Taking the Lord's name in vain, sure, but coveting thy neighbor's wife? Is she hot? CAMERON: I've forgiven him. HOUSE: Not for murder. Not you. Doesn't matter how evil Dibala was. By every conscience-hugging, Mother Teresa-loving bone in your body, you should be leaving him, not leaving with him.

He doesn't believe her forgiveness act for a second. He's right, both metatextually and just… in general, it is out of character for Cameron to be okay with murder. He says in this scene and others: the marriage is over.

On the face of it, Cameron does seem like the more gettable one; Chase has been happily in his Boundaries Era while she's admitted to having trouble staying away. But on the other hand, he doesn't really try very hard with Cameron. She denies she doesn't forgive Chase; she calls him out for playing games; conversation over.

House moves on to Chase.

HOUSE: She thinks that you don't have anything to feel guilty about, because you didn't kill anybody. I did. She blames me for Dibala's murder, not you. CHASE: You were barely involved in that case. She knows that. HOUSE: But I created the big, bad, evil climate that allowed it to happen. CHASE: You're wrong. HOUSE: Powerful counter-argument. CHASE: Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to screw things up? HOUSE: You got the tense wrong. Things are already screwed up. Which is why you don't just want to work for me, you need to.

First of all, House is 100% right. Cameron is absolutely pinning the responsibility for this onto him. And that alone means Cameron is not gettable; he's not going to be able to recruit her. I'm sure if she decided to stay and Chase left he'd be happy enough to have her, but she won't. It's a done deal. Chase is his only option, so he plants the idea of Cameron not forgiving him in his head. Again, House is right. He has them down pat.

Cameron continues to be angry at and dismissive of House through the episode, and meanwhile Chase is starting to have doubts:

CHASE: You're mad at House, but you're not mad at me. CAMERON: Do you want me to be mad at you? CHASE: You blame House. Not me. CAMERON: I am mad at House because he's an ass. And I am mad at you, but I don't want to leave you. CHASE: What I did may be the worst thing I ever did. It may be the best. I'm either a murderer or a guy who stopped a mass murderer, but I did it. Me. And even if it destroys me, I’d do it again today. CAMERON: You don't mean that. This isn't you.

Cameron just confirmed what House said before, you know? This isn't you. You don't mean this. She's refusing to accept Chase is culpable. It's at this point that Chase asks House to rejoin the team. Cameron has not spoken to House again.

And then we have… the breakup.

CHASE: I told House I want to work for him again. Stay on the team. You were always more into it than I was, more interested in diagnostics. Unless House was right about why you want out.

Cameron doesn't deny it. She goes straight to House and accuses him of poisoning Chase, of killing Dibala.

(btw, it's kind of shitty that Cameron's last real lines on the show were breaking up with House. Like I get it. But oof.)

He does care, actually. House doesn't just fuck with people for the hell of it, you know? He almost always has an ulterior motive. This one is pretty obvious: he wants someone on his team. And based on how he goes recruiting and his attitude in earlier episodes: I think he wants Chase. Don't get me wrong; he'd have been okay with either. He does, in fact, care about Cameron and Chase. But whether it's because he thinks Chase is the easier get or because Chase is his favorite or what*, House seems to try a bit harder to recruit him. He gives Cameron a shot, but that goes nowhere. He gives Chase a couple.

By calling out the flaws in Cameron's logic (namely, that she refuses to actually admit this happened, that she's trying to blame House for it), one of two outcomes are going to happen. Either somehow Chase and Cameron work it out and talk it out and he gets them both (best case in House's mind, I think, but definitely the least likely), or they split up and he gets one of them. After their first conversation, it's pretty fucking clear that Cameron is uninterested and in exactly the denial he thought she was; after their first conversation, it's clear that Chase is uninterested but that he also got in Chase's head: unlike with Cameron, with Chase, House follows up.

I think House also is genuinely concerned about Chase. He helped him cover up the murder and told him to get therapy. He told Chase that Chase did nothing wrong (better a murder than a misdiagnosis — wild). There's also the interesting contrast in this episode: Cameron is avoiding looking at the truth, and Chase is doing his best to face it head on. Which one is gonna appeal more to House?

House does! Actually! Care about his team! This applies to both Chase and Cameron, he's not really picking sides, per se. But he's spent the last few weeks helping Chase out, and he knows that the divorce writing is on the wall — even if Cameron and Chase left together as planned, that solves none of their issues, just delays the inevitable. By rolling a bomb in, House at least gets to keep Chase.