#that cleaning things is difficult work
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(you just rb'd a post about frog mugs so) frog mug ARE so hard to clean. we have one and its cute but i hate using it for that reason ;n;
RIGHT every time I look at them I'm like "oh, you're so cute but I'd never use you."
I feel like when you have a chronic illness, I think you look at every potential purchase like "how difficult are you to clean" because honestly speaking if something requires regular washing and it can't go in a washing machine or a dishwasher I'm not buying it.
like I mean I feel like everyone thinks that to some degree but it becomes a very high-stakes question when hand-washing is quite literally a pain. lmao
#I feel like that was part of the straw debate that I could never get able-bodied people to understand#that cleaning things is difficult work#especially if you've already got dexterity problems#'oh you just--' oh you just do a thing that's easy for you if you aren't the kind of person who already needs to drink through a straw?? ok#I'm so self-conscious about my messy house but sometimes you just gotta ignore the mess and feed yourself tbh#replies
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why did i think I'd like working in retail. ughhh i hate it here already
#maybe i just don't want to work but i doubt that#if i only had to arrange things and put prices on shit and keep everything neat and clean then maybe#but i didn't know administration type of shit i have to do would be this difficult to remember#cruwmo rambles#personal#hungarian mutuals you could come visit me hahaha actually please don't i am so embarrassed all the time#i liked occasional one day works at bigger stores but this is very different#vent post
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I love taking care of people omggg 😍😍😍
#i love when i can go into nurse mode and get people what they need and run through the checklist of what helps#especially if i know the person because then i already have a handle on preferences or what they typically need#i have like. half a degree for a few things and i have a specific interest in physiology and psychology#i also used to really enjoy crisis management and peer support stuff but theres a lot of elements of that i cant do anymore#because the toll that shit takes is more than i can pay#specifically crisis related events#theres a lot I have to work through yet before i can manage those situations#anyway. my dream situation would be to work with someone to help them figure out what they need#like. assess the situation. find resources if needed. check on their ability to address basic daily tasks. make crisis plans.#start some basic dbt conversations and try to figure out what help they need and how to get it#i know some people dont want to go to a traditional psychiatrist or psychologist for whole host of extremely valid reasons#so being able to help them with self help or finding other alternatives. or just like. being a person they can regularly talk and vent to#because sometimes people don't have anyone. and just one person in their life can make a major impact#and like. its not exactly like therapy in that way. like i have the knowledge base to incorporate aspects of it in if wanted/needed#i think some people just need to be heard and that can help them move forward#and my goal isnt to like. transform you or whatever. there are people out there who need help but its hard to start#or it's difficult for them to access what they know they need#and i just want to meet people where theyre at and help them take enough small steps to being able to live how they want#like. harm reduction type shit. if you just need clean needles thats a step forward. and maybe its the only step they feel they need#to be happy. and now they can have a little bit of a safety.#like. a little more agency over how they want to live their life while improving quality of life#a step is a step man#anything that moves you toward the life you want counts#you deserve a win#the edible hit part way through so sorry if theres incomplete and tangential thoughts#also how can i do this shit for profesh??#i know similar jobs exist but theres a huge foundation of shit i just dont agree with built into them
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it's probably the sunnier weather that's doing stuff to my brain to make me more optimistic but it's so interesting having a brain that craves a lot of self-fulfillment to the point where I can move past some hang-ups around perfection by going "oh I really wanna do that though" and then I do it well because researching how to do it right is also a rewarding part of the process
#it comes with the double edged sword of dropping projects as soon as they become a bit more involved/difficult#or when they don't feel fulfilling#but maybe it's better to take a break and come back to something with new knowledge ?#maybe it's good that my brain has a built in 'if it sucks hit da bricks' function ?#i just wish that i had more stamina for these things when they start lacking intrinsic rewards#it just feels like compared to my other family members i lose steam very very quickly and since we all have the same disorder i should be-#- 'just as capable'... but honest to god my under-activity feels SO severe#it honestly feels like compared to others my threshold for mental exhaustion is half the normal benchmark it should be#you know how there were studies done that found that 4 hours is the maximum amount of time people can work before a decline in efficiency?#i swear to god when the activity is something i have no internal reward for it takes 1-2 hours for that decline to start. and my brain -#- crashes HARD. my eyes start to glaze over. i start forgetting how to speak. my brain starts acting like it's 2-3 am and that i need to -#- sleep. i don't push myself not because i coddle myself but because i perform WAY worse. my work becomes unintelligible#or if it's some other kind of task (such as cleaning) my brain desperately tries to take shortcuts in order to get it done#i am trying to avoid a situation where i have to fix up the shitty job i did after the fact!#it's just kind of crazy to me how this is viewed as laziness LOL 'you did a bad job!' because i was pushed past my limit!#not to mention... i get burned out for DAYS if i push myself too hard. i am trying to conserve my efficiency#if you want me to do a better job... i need more time. and trust me: i'll do an excellent job if you let me rest#i am a very smart and capable person who cares about doing a good job - and i have a fine eye for smaller details as well#the trade-off here is i'll need some time to find joy and fulfillment somewhere else for a little bit while i rest. let me excel ok?#idk where this high self esteem came from other than like. realizing i wrote an entire research proposal in such short time#while receiving positive feedback with very few notes for improvement. i just sat down an added another section today based on -#-feedback and realized like 'wait. i know what i'm doing and i probably care about this far more than the average classmate'#i've been having a lot of thoughts lately and i sort of want to get to the bottom of how i have a difficult time coping w/ burnout#and i also want to figure out how to offset the costs of the stuff i need to do... it's a process
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#super freaking out cos my friend who is a vet has offered me a job at her practice as a care assistant#so my job would just be to do all the little jobs. help looking after the animals. cleaning. sometimes calling patients etc#it's a fantastic opportunity but it looks so much more difficult then anything i've ever done before#and on the one hand i'm like ''yes! i love animals! i need a steady income! this is perfect!''#but on the other... i haven't been at my current job that long. so it feels like a dick move to up and leave.#i don't know if i'd be able to cope with the animals dying all the time. some of the stuff i'd have to do looks really technical#and i'm scared i'll do it wrong (eg put the wrong label on the wrong medicine) and it'll lead to an animal dying#like it's a proper full time monday-friday 9-5 kinda gig#which is great cos my current job is a ''are we gonna give you more than 2 days next week?? who knows! it's a supprise!!''#and that situation is stressing me out. so i do need something different#but this is like a proper serious job. and idk that's scary#plus my friend would be my boss. which i don't mind. but i dont want her to vouch for me and then i'm terrible at it...#cos that's not fair on her#they've offered me a trial shift next week. so i guess i could do that and just scope it out..#it also feels like nepotism which doesn't super sit right#but it's not a sure thing. the other vets and practice owners have to agree and they may not like me. it's not like i have experience#and it's only a low paid position so if its nepotism its not like... super beneficial nepotism...#sigh. i know i should go for it. just last time i went for a big different job like this it ended badly#and i ended up back in retail.#so i don't wanna go thru that all again#but i also dont wanna stay working in this shop forever. it wouldn't be too bad if only i had regular hours. .#and i knew what those hours were more than a week in advance#i know this is like.. a non-problem. i'm just stressing about it#plus its making me feel guilty whenever i go into my current job. like i'm cheating on them#i do need that regular income tho#screams in anxiety
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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You're more amazing than catchphrases
90% of all Yugioh card effects are either "move a card from one zone to another" or "negate an effect" so I made a bunch of combat keywords so that monsters can actually be interesting on the field.
#asks#custom cards#also i managed to make them all different subtypes and get exactly 2 of each attribute so that's cool#anyway i'm barely even exaggerating about the 90% thing#“add a card from deck to hand” “special summon a monster” “destroy a card”#so much stuff is just moving cards between zones#and a lot of the rest is just “negate a card/effect” “effects can't target this” “can't be destroyed by effects”#just moving cards around or preventing cards from being moved around#how about actually caring about the battle phase?#yugioh's combat mechanics are really different than magic's so directly translating stuff like menace or haste doesn't work#but the difference also means there's so much opportunity for different abilities like Tricky or Stealthy or Guardian!#some translate fairly well like Vigilance into Resilient and Double Strike into Double Attack#and some are practically 1-to-1 like Deathtouch to Venomous and Trample to Piercing#Assist was an awkward one#the concept is so clear and simple and cool: it lets your monsters team up to attack together!#but mtg's Banding shows how that simple concept can be very difficult to translate into clean rules#even its spiritual successor Enlist had to specify “nonattacking creature without summoning sickness”#which i think is one of the only times that the term “summoning sickness” has appeared on modern cards#yeah i just checked and the only other cards that mention summoning sickness are stuff that involve creature-lands#i went back and forth on how exactly to word it before i decided to go the shortest and cleanest route of “spend this monster's attack”#which is also the most confusing wording if anything remotely unusual happens#heck it's not even clear whether it works while in defense position!#the idea is the same as Enlist: you can only use it if the monster COULD attack#so anything that prevents it from attacking also prevents it from assisting#but honestly if i were in charge i wouldn't even print this keyword because its wording is either too long or too confusing#also the Wrath effect appears on a few existing cards like Flame Wingman and i like it#Piercing also already exists in a kind of pseudo-keyword state#“if this monster attacks a defense position monster inflict piercing battle damage to your opponent”
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Arc Sys needs to STOP depriving the Jack-O fans of their merch needs. They keep making keychains and plushies of her ball 'n chain but neglect her cute SERVANTS? this will not stand. I need all three of those silly little things made REAL!
Tbh I'm amazed they haven't done at least one plush of her minions yet because they're so perfectly plushie shaped...
There's a statue coming out of her soon, actually, but it's of her crouch pose :/
#asks#Once I finish all these giant 3D printing projects I'm working on I wanna try to make my own 3D model kit-#-using her Strive model rip and cleaning it up so it prints well (things like her hair are 2D and will print bad)#I think it would be cute to try to pose her sitting on a giant Dopros but I haven't thought about it much past that#It's going to be really difficult and time consuming posing her model and fixing it for printing then splitting it-#-into sections with assembly pegs haha
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adulthood is just visiting ur friends, saying "damn bitch, you live like this?" (affectionate) and aggressively helping them clean up while they politely tell you that you don't have to do that. and then having friends do that to you when they visit your apartment.
#eliot posts#one of my friends often does not make his bed and sleeps on a bare-ass mattress so i INSIST on at least putting a fitted sheet on#(and then normally just fully make the bed too bc might as well)#i tell him to ''stop rawdogging the mattress''/''put some protection on that nasty thang''#bc i of course must use the most cursed language available#it only takes like 5 minutes to do and is very worth it#and then i have this second friend who takes this to a whole nother level#he does my dishes every time he visits and lemme tell you. the dish situation around here gets DIRE.#he did like 4 sinkfulls when he was here last#and motivated me to clean the rest of the kitchen while he did that#it took like an hour and we ran out of hot water#but WAY faster than if i had tried to handle that shit alone#and we had fun and jammed to 80s music#another person i'm only loose friends with but i helped her clean a ton of trash from her dorm last time i visited#bc she was on the tail end of a depressive episode and i KNOW how that is#this only works w certain kinds of cleaning tho. you can't tidy up/organize other ppl's shit‚ for example#bc you don't know where anything is supposed to go and you'll likely make things more difficult in the end#amd it just requires you to handle all their personal belongings and open their drawers and shit#and there's a 90% chance that'll make them uncomfortable and like you're violating their space#but shit like dishes is generally very much fair game and won't make them uncomfortable#tho sometimes you gotta ask if there's a specific way they like their dishes washed bc some ppl are picky abt that#ANYWAY#is it obvious my love language* is acts of service?#*(tho the 5 love languages thing is a VAST over-simplification and things are not actually clear cut like that)
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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on
#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other#meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20#tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are#few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is#get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went#on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves#like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more#chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already#nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them#up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t#finish my sentence#and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves#so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me#then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear#and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning#during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the#door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her#why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking#basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore#cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come#back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open#ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me#GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan#im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just#gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean#im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other#LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!
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9am brain really hits different huh, i just stood in the middle of my living room for like ten minutes talking to myself how i should rearrange this entire room again
#moving furniture is such a pain but also???#the way its set up now is reeeeeally difficult with the morning sun as ive noticed the past two days ough#so i might flip stuff around later. probably not today i have a fic to write but at some point??#its just that i would need to move everything. which means taking things off the walls and shelves too to move them#i would also have to clean in here which. lmao#we'll see. i have some plans. just rotate everything around a little bit and see if it works#if it doesnt im gonna be mad tho lmao#night is an absolute mess on main#..its also just funny that i keep rearranging the living room but have not made a single effort for the bedroom#ive lived here for three years and its been the same since then lmao
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Can't wait for the episode of Very Important People where Sam Reich appears as Evelyn Tucci, the paternal grandmother of Stanley Tucci.
#the valley is posting#she was sort of hardworking; from somewhere in northern ireland#came over here; was cleaning hotel rooms for a long time; and then worked her way up to start a small bakery#an important thing to know about her; she did not miss a single of stanley's plays growing up#he was in an off-broadway production of 'the little mermaid' but it was also not technically disney brand#and that was tough because it was bad; but she sat through all eight performances; non-union; touring#the icicle was the name of the first vehicle that evelyn tucci ever bought with her own money#she was married and got divorced later in life. it was really difficult for her to afford things because back in the day#women couldn't have bank accounts#do it for international women's month sam
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Many months of paper review (Patreon)
#Doodles#For the record this is all on the same page lol#Basically a full year of going ''Oh this paper's so nice I wish I could use it'' lol#Unfortunately there was a pretty serious batch error that I didn't notice when I first picked it up :(#It's from my favourite brand so I was like ''Oh it'll be fine! I know I like this paper already!''#Always - check. Always check!#The lines were printed wobbly and askew (so not perpendicular) and there was a crease down the right side of most pages#It's still an absolute treat to work with but editing is a lot more difficult with those errors#So I thought I was just going to have to scrap more than half of a notebook! D:#(Since I'd already drawn on a few pages up to those batch errors)#But then came the Scratch Pages idea to save the day! Lol#I have gotten a lot of utility out of this notebook after all! I'm not as gentle or careful with it as my current-main notebook#I can be a little rougher and keep the guidelines or not colour since it's all intended to be cleaned up later anyhow :)#Although all the scratch comics are up on my Patreon currently lol - I got a lot of mileage out of the concept >:3c#Plus a few of them have ended up here after all lol - most things with lines lately have been from this notebook#I'm definitely going to be using this method going into the future too! In fact I have the next two notebooks picked out for testing :D#Since this one is only one page out from being completely finished ah :'D It's always bittersweet to put a notebook to rest <3#I also like how you can watch my hair grow in real time lol#And my style change in small increments :D#It's always harder to tell with my chibis but it's there!
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#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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Does anyone else feel like their perception of time is completely fucked
#like every day is a YEAR#every single day 5 billion things happen and then I go to sleep#and then 5 billion more things happen#and there’s just. no time to Process#I need more Me time I think#like processing time#but not Rumination time#and those two things are more difficult to differentiate than you’d think#I want a Stable sense of self#how long does that take to get again?#I guess lots of stuff happening is better than nothing happening every#like I hate to be bored#I’m def not bored#I’m just Stressed#but it’s ok. today I got Two whole things done well#at work#and then I cleaned SO MUCH at home#I just gotta vacuum and tidy up the stuff lying around#which is gonna be tomorrow morning#I’m gonna wake up. exercise make breakfast#and then tidy up#and then go to a winery#get completely fucked up so I don’t have fo think about how I hate everyone around me#and then recover Sunday#I’m teaching next week#why did I do that to myself#and I spent today cleaning instead of lesson planning so I’m gonna have to work Sunday#Andrew is right. nothing I’m doing is that important and I need to stop working outside of work hours#but also idk I might just ignore him because I don’t want to look bad in front of my super cool students Monday#Emily also was like ‘when did u take a vacation’ and lol she’s right. I need to get Out of hereeee I need to see the redwoods
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Sometimes I go on a tangent trying to analyze how I feel about or why I do certain things, & I often feel that by focusing on typing it out it's easier for me to actually make conclusions about the "why", but I still don't have a solution & it's kinda frustrating that I do all this analyzing about myself & still feel like a lazy disappointment to everyone around me.
#tmi#brought to you by me typing up what i hate about different cleaning tasks that makes it difficult for me to motivate myself to do#i ended up deleting my vent blog since i haven't used it in forever. i sometimes type these tangents up on masotdon but the character limit-#-makes it annoying & also i feel like I shouldn't post so much of these tangents online. sometimes i end up in a tangent while messaging my-#-s/o. sometimes it happens in the tags of a post i make or reblog#this time i tried just doing it in my phone's notes but when my s/o asked me what i'm doing i ended up rambling to him#i just get so frustrated with myself. very few people like cleaning but ppl do it anyway bc it needs to be done.#all the advice i find is either “just do the thing” or “break it into smaller steps” & the latter is helpful... but i have a hard time-#-figuring out what the smaller steps should be. also i constantly worry about my parents judging how I cleaned something (esp my step dad)#& everything is so exhausting. & everything needs to be done so frequently.#sometimes in certain situations I actually do enjoy cleaning! but it's never at home#i can be so damn productive at work or in class but as soon as it's time to leave my brain shuts off#& @ home it's like my brain can ONLY focus on what it *wants* to do.#i just hate my brain. my meds help a bit but they aren't a magical cure for my laziness
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