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inawickedlittletown · 3 days ago

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One Year - BuckTommy - 8x06 fix it

Summary: This is my fix-it because I for one can't take that break up being the end. So, it takes a while, but they belong together. Words: 6k Read on Ao3

The first time he saw Evan again, it was from afar. It had been a couple of weeks. They were at the same call, Tommy somehow winding up on the ground. He spotted Evan walking next to Eddie with Howie and Hen just ahead of them, heard their voices despite how loud everything was. He kept his distance, and only once ran into someone from the 118. Ravi, who gave him a smile and nod.

The next time, it was at one of the badge and ladder bars. Lucy had forced him to go. Had she not been holding his arm, he would have turned and fled. Instead he saw Evan throw back a shot and then walk over to some guy whose physique told Tommy he had to be a firefighter. He saw as Evan said something that made the other guy laugh and then they were getting drinks together and…and Lucy took him out the door while he tried to catch a breath.

Tommy wasn’t new to a break up…it was just that this one was hitting harder than any before.

Before Evan, there had been three boyfriends. Before and in between were hookups and one-night stands and even some friends with benefits that popped in and out of his life. He’d come out when he was in his early thirties, around the same age as Evan. Of course, for Tommy it had been different. He’d been hiding it from everyone and even from himself.

In the army, he and some other guys had had a bit of fun. Masturbating together and pretending it was all fine and heterosexual because they weren’t touching each other. He’d exchanged one or two blowjobs here or there like an exchange of favors with guys that had girlfriends waiting for them back home. He lied and told them he had a girl too. Pretended he didn’t like giving as much as he liked receiving.

Things were much the same when he was at the 118, except that pretending he had a girlfriend was harder. He even tried to date women. Abby…he’d met Abby when the 118 went to a call about her mother. She’d almost burnt down her whole house by forgetting to turn off a stove and looking back that had definitely been an early sign of her dementia. Abby was nice and Tommy couldn’t deny that he got along with her and it helped that she understood how busy his job kept him and what his hours were like.

Dating Abby was the first time he felt like maybe he could do it. Marry the girl. Have some kids. Lie to himself and the world forever. As unfair as it was to Abby, it just…Tommy could tell that it might work. It was why they got engaged. It was why he was so sure about getting married but then there were guys he met on calls or that he checked out from time to time and he didn’t think he would ever be able to put that away. Instead, he would wind up cheating on Abby and making the hurt worse. So, he broke it off and felt horrible when he realized that Abby had gotten the blow of her mom’s dementia diagnosis.

After Abby, Tommy went a little wild. He slept around. Found out more about himself. Knew that he could never do what he did to Abby to any other woman. He heard at some point about Abby taking up with a younger guy. In what universe could Tommy have expected that years later he would date the same guy.

One night, he ran into Karen at a Target of all places. Tommy was there to pick up detergent and he was just deciding between brand name or the store brand and also trying his hardest to not buy the brand he knew that Evan used, when a cart bumped into his.

“I’m so sorry,” Karen said.

He looked up slowly.

“Tommy,” Karen said warmly. “Hi.”

Behind her came Denny and Mara. Mara he’d only met a handful of times and he knew her to be a little shy. Denny smiled at him.

“Hi, Tommy.”

“Oh. Hi,” Tommy said. “You got your cast off.”

Denny nodded. “A little while ago.”

He remembered sitting in that hospital waiting room and how he’d tagged along to Denny’s room and hadn’t expected that Denny would want him to sign his cast seeing as he was all but a stranger, but Denny did offer him the marker and Tommy did sign.

Despite wanting to, he didn’t ask about Evan. He hardly managed to ask about Hen.

“She’s good,” Karen said and then, “hey, listen, you don’t have to be a stranger.”

He offered her a tight smile.

“I’m serious. Hey, how about dinner soon?”

He shrugged and Karen insisted, pulling out her phone and throwing dates at him until he agreed.

Before she left, Karen grabbed his arm. “I don��t know what happened, no one really does, Hen says he doesn’t want to talk about it. You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean you’re not our friend still, Alright? That doesn’t just go for Hen and I, either.”

Eddie had reached out the day after. The day after that too. And the one after that one. Then it was weekly. Then it was bi-weekly. Then came a final message. A voicemail. Tommy almost didn’t listen to it.

“Hey, man,” Eddie said. “I guess you decided to cut all ties. I get it. Kind of. And look, Buck is my friend, but you are too and I don’t drop my friends. I know you’re hurting too, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m here for whenever you’re ready.”

Tommy never called him. He thought about it. Almost texted him several times. He missed Eddie.

He missed their easy friendship and the way that Eddie had welcomed him so wholly. He just couldn’t face him because Eddie would give it all away about how Evan was doing and Tommy wouldn’t be able to keep his own feelings in. It would burst out and then Eddie would know just how horrible Tommy really felt and how regretful too.

He did regret it.

He hated himself.

Tommy went to dinner with Hen and Karen. It was good. Fun, even. Neither of them asked and Tommy didn’t offer any information. Instead, he got to hear about Mara’s adoption going through finally and about how Maddie was pregnant and doing really well. He tried not to think about Evan becoming an uncle for the second time and how excited he had to be over it. They exchanged Lucy stories and then stories from way back when Tommy was in the 118. Tommy promised they would do dinner again.

The next time he ran into Evan, it had been more time than they had even been together. Tommy shouldn’t still be mourning the end of the relationship and yet…of course he was. Of course he still missed Evan desperately. So much for waylaying a heartbreak, there hadn’t been stopping that apparently and seeing Evan was like having someone reach right into his chest and squeeze.

The first guy that he ever called boyfriend was a guy named Ivan. Ivan was a little older��okay, much older, and Tommy thought he was in love. Figured that was it and that he and Ivan could be forever. When Ivan broke it off because he met someone else, Tommy was devastated.

“Tommy, I’m your first boyfriend, of course this wasn’t going to last. I always thought we were on the same page and that this was a bit of fun.”

A month or so later, Tommy realized that Ivan was right. He wasn’t torn up and he hadn’t been in love as much as wanting the security of the relationship because it meant he didn’t need to keep looking for love. He’d gotten comfortable with Ivan, but what they hadn’t wasn’t something that would last no matter how much Tommy had thought it was what he wanted.

The second guy came a year or so later. Paul was younger and Tommy met him while they were on a call. When Paul came by with muffins a few days later they got talking and Paul admitted that he was nervous but he’d wanted to see Tommy again. They had a few dates and then Tommy was rushing in with Paul. They spent every moment together and then moved in together too.

When they broke up right before their one year anniversary, it was because Paul admitted that he never thought his first real relationship with a guy could be his last and that he had more options to explore.

“Tommy, you were amazing. You will always be so important to me, but I’m not in love with you.”

Somehow, that still hurt less than Evan and Tommy only had himself to blame for that.

He saw Evan at a farmer’s market. He was with Jee-Yun who skipped ahead of him laughing. Evan was smiling after her. Tommy didn’t mean to follow, but he did keep his distance. Saw Evan buy a few things and smile at the girl that sold them to him, saw him stop at a stand selling apple cider, the man behind the counter blond and tall and bulky. Hot. His eyes were hazel and he was smiling at Evan and ignoring anyone else that approached. Evan was smiling back and doing that thing where he ducked his head bashfully before looking up through his eyelashes. Tommy’s heart ached.

Tommy walked away from that. He turned and he walked until he was back at his car and then he sat there in his truck and let his mind wander because what if Evan asked that guy out? Or the girl? What if one of them wasn’t dumb like Tommy and stuck around and refused to let Evan go. What if Tommy never got a chance to…but he’d already blown his chance with Evan and he doubted there would ever be another.

When he got to his shift later, Lucy took one look at him.

“Hey, you okay?”

“I don’t think I’ve been okay for months.”

Lucy hugged him. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” she asked.

He shook his head.

It was hard to even admit to himself how much he’d screwed up and how much he’d allowed his fear to color how he faced Evan wanting more than what they already had. He’d been unprepared when Evan brought it up and then it had been the Abby of it all and the way that Tommy knew he couldn’t expect for Evan to settle for him. That just wasn’t how it worked. He was the first, but not the last. Tommy just wasn’t good enough to be Evan’s last and it was something that Evan would figure out sooner or later. So why wait for their whole lives to get even more entwined and for everything to be so much harder when it all fell apart.

One night, when Lucy showed up at his house to hang out, she had tried to bad-talk Evan as if that would help. It was the night she dropped information that Tommy hadn’t known and wasn’t it wild how much he and Evan had inadvertently not shared. Six months and they hadn’t talked about anything at all, apparently.

Lucy and Evan had kissed once while drunk at a bar.

The jealousy that hit him was…Tommy wasn’t usually a jealous guy and yet the very idea made him cringe and maybe he downed two shots back to back.

“I kissed him,” Lucy said. “He didn’t push me away and I had no idea that he had a girlfriend at the time.”

It didn’t make him think badly of Evan, not the way that Lucy maybe intended. It just…it made Tommy wonder about how it would have gone if he was right. Would Evan have cheated on him once he realized he wanted more than what Tommy was willing to offer. But no…no, that wasn’t Evan was it? No, Evan would have stuck it out even when he got miserable and didn’t want to anymore and then Tommy would have had to say something and end it.

“What happened after that?” Tommy had asked.

“Between me and Buck? Nothing. I’m just saying, he isn’t this perfect guy either.”

As if Tommy didn’t know that, as if Tommy hadn’t seen exactly who Evan was from the get go. He was a mess, he was jealous, impulsive, he believed in curses, got pouty when he didn’t get his way. Evan was far from perfect, but Tommy had loved him because of it. He saw how much of the bad was still good or maybe not even bad at all.

Lucy did leave him thinking about how they had never discussed exes until Abby and how maybe they should have. He wondered if Evan would have even brought up the Lucy of it all. He wondered how he would have taken Tommy’s own exes…Ivan and Paul and…and Henry.

Henry was the last boyfriend before Evan. Gorgeous Henry who began as a friend and then started to get a bit flirty and who kissed Tommy for the first time at a New Years Eve party and then freaked out because Tommy was a guy.

Weeks of not talking and Tommy not being able to stop thinking about him to an obsessive degree. How on Valentine’s day, he was surprised when red roses and chocolate was delivered to Harbor from Henry to Tommy and a simple note asking him out. He’d gotten so much shit for that, but Tommy had secretly loved it. The romance of it all, the sweetness. Henry had been so sweet.

Henry who told Tommy that he was sorry but he had no idea guys were an option for him and how he couldn’t deny how much he wanted Tommy. They had long conversations about it and Tommy took it so slow that they didn’t even have sex for the first two months.

Tommy didn’t realize that their feelings were different. Tommy had been crushing on Henry even before the kiss and then he had him. Henry had been mystified by Tommy and his attraction to him, but it wasn’t long before his eyes started to wander. Tommy had bought his house right before they started dating and when Henry’s roommate situation got a bit difficult he welcomed him right in. It had felt like the start of the rest of their lives. That had been a mistake.

Tommy had been so blind. Looking back, the red flags had been evident. He’d been blinded by love and friendship and daydreams about a future he thought was within his grasp. Then, one night, when he managed to sprain an ankle, Tommy was first taken to the hospital and then sent home a whole thirteen hours earlier than expected. Henry hadn’t answered his calls, so Tommy got back home on his own. He found Henry in bed with a woman.

The last time he saw Henry, it was when Henry picked up the last of his things and when Henry made his apologies and excuses it felt like Ivan and Paul before him.

Tommy was never enough. Not enough. Always the placeholder for something or someone better.

“Why not just break up with me?” Tommy remembered asking.

“I didn’t know how. You were so…I’m sorry, Tommy. I guess I’m not done trying to figure out what I want.”

The one thing Henry had figured out was that Tommy was not what he wanted.

He did cry after Henry and then he threw himself into work and downloaded an app or two and didn’t try to date seriously. He had friends to call on lonely nights and then he could hit up a bar and find someone that way. Tommy had all but convinced him that it was all he’d ever have, until he met a firefighter with a cute birthmark who Tommy kissed without having planned to and who he almost wrote off after the first date and was so glad he didn’t. Breaking up with Evan was hitting harder than anyone that came before.

Evan was different. He had burrowed deep in his heart and there was no getting him out. Tommy didn’t think he wanted him out.

A few weeks later, he saw Eddie at the mall and with him was Christopher. He looked taller than the last time Tommy had seen him, and he was in LA. Eddie looked happy. Of course, he was happy. Tommy hated that he didn’t know when Chris had returned or how Eddie had won him over again.

“Tommy,” Eddie said.

“Tommy,” Christopher said.

Had it been just Eddie, Tommy might have ignored them. Instead, he turned around.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey,” Eddie said with a smile.

“Hi, Tommy,” Christopher said.

“Hey, kid, nice to see you back in LA.”

Chris gave him a rundown of his time in Texas. He talked about the friends he made and his cousins and grandparents, but how Eddie had gone to see him and then Chris decided to come back with him.

It was nice to talk to Chris and then to follow Eddie and Chris into one of the stores. Chris got distracted then, and Eddie turned to Tommy.

“How are you really?”

“It’s been months,” Tommy said.

“I know. You never called me back. You should have,” Eddie said.

“I couldn’t,” Tommy said. “You’re…how is he, Eddie?”

Eddie took in a breath. “Look, I don’t think I should answer that. Buck is coping. He’s doing…what did he call it, he’s exploring. Apparently, it’s what you told him he needed to do.” Eddie’s look was pointed. Full of judgment.

Tommy had to look away, he had to hope that his eyes wouldn’t fill up with tears. That night, right after he left Evan’s place, Tommy didn’t even remember how he got home. He did remember that he’d gone for his usual comforts. A shot of whiskey, a case of beer, and he’d tried to watch a movie and failed miserably. Hadn’t been able to watch romantic comedies since. Documentaries were out too.

“Dad,” Christopher called.

“I — I’ll leave you to it,” Tommy said.

Eddie grabbed his shoulder. “Wait. No. Just…let’s hang out. You can come over or I can come over. We could sparr or get a drink. We’re still friends, Tommy. I’m serious.”

“Okay.”

Eddie called him that night and Tommy couldn’t say no to having Eddie come over to his place. They didn’t talk about Evan the whole time, not until Eddie was getting ready to leave.

“I want to say something because I’m your friend and Buck’s friend. What you did was really stupid and I never thought you were stupid. If this was the way you always saw it going, why did you waste his time? Why did you let him fall for you? And I know you hurt yourself too, Tommy, I can see it all over you. So why? Just…answer that.”

Eddie didn’t even let him reply before he left.

Why did Tommy do that? Because even a minute of knowing Evan was worth it. Ending it early was just…he’d expected it to help because he had control and he was making the call and then he wouldn’t be devastated. It was a little late for it, apparently, at least on his end.

“He’s exploring,” he said out loud. Eddie’s words.

What had Tommy expected. God, he really was an idiot.

A week later he was at a call that the 118 was present for as well. He tried to stay well clear of them, but he couldn’t help but look for Evan. It was like being a moth drawn to light and of course Evan was his light.

He’d overheard Lucy and Melton talking on his first shift after his talk with Eddie and Melton had said everyone had a regret in love, that everyone had someone they let go of or who let them go that always left what ifs. Evan wasn’t a regret, Tommy would never regret him. What he regretted was that Tommy had allowed fear and his own baggage to cloud things and destroy what he and Evan had.

Of course, a part of him did still wonder if he had been right. Every relationship came with risk, and Evan having just realized he was into men as much as women, it wasn’t farfetched to think that one day he might think that he’d settled into something with Tommy far too quickly without really knowing for sure it was what he wanted. Evan hadn’t denied that either, he hadn’t tried to stop Tommy leaving. He hadn’t reached out. He hadn’t even asked for any of his things back — granted neither had Tommy.

Tommy had everything that Evan had ever left as his house in the drawer that had been Evan’s. Or hanging on his coat rack. In his bathroom. In his kitchen. He hadn’t had the heart to remove any of it and sometimes when he was really tired or when he’d hit the booze a little hard with Lucy, he could even convince himself that it was there waiting for Evan.

The call rang long, the fire blazing for a while and worse people stuck inside on the higher floors. Tommy was helping on the ground on a hose, he knew the 118 was helping with evacuation along with the 133 and somehow they did manage to get everyone out and they did manage to get the flames put out. Tommy wouldn’t admit it, but he spent most of the call with his heart in his throat hoping that Evan stayed safe and that nothing went wrong.

They were just getting back to the truck when he saw Evan a little soot covered, but smiling. He was talking to a reporter. Red hair, pale skin, skinny and pretty. He kept talking to her even after the camera man brought the camera down.

“That’s Taylor Kelly,” Lucy said and she pushed him to keep moving.

Taylor Kelly the reporter. Taylor Kelly who was Evan’s ex. Taylor who Evan had cheated on with Lucy. When he turned back to look once more they were no longer talking.

“I don’t get why you haven’t reached out to him,” Lucy said.

“He’s a coward,” Melton said.

“It’s been how many months now and you’re not over him. Do you want me to find out if he’s seeing anyone? Maybe you still have a shot. We’ve never seen you like this before and at first it was I guess normal. Now it’s a bit depressing. What happened, Tommy?”

“What happened is Melton is right and I am a coward,” Tommy said and then he climbed into the truck and looked away from them, glad when they didn’t talk to him the whole way back to Harbor.

He heard about Maddie giving birth from Hen. It was a passing comment one night when he went over for dinner and Tommy found himself mourning that he hadn’t been there for Evan through all of it, especially because as Karen told it, Maddie had had a hard labor.

He was shown pictures from Hen’s phone. The baby was tiny and already had a tuft of dark hair. He scrolled through pictures and then there he was. Evan holding the baby in his arms, the baby looking even smaller tucked right into the crook of Evan’s elbow and Evan smiling down with so much awe and love. It hurt to look at him, but Tommy couldn’t stop.

So maybe there had been times when Tommy allowed himself to think about a future where he and Evan stayed together, one where they were married and decided they should be parents too. He’d seen Evan around kids too often, knew Evan would want to be a dad. Tommy had never longed for that or anything, but with Evan he would have wanted it. That was all gone now.

“Oh,” Karen said. “Sorry. I forgot…”

Tommy forced himself to flip to the next picture. Another shot of Evan, this time he was looking up with the bluest glassiest eyes. He missed him. He missed him so damn much and it wasn’t fair how much.

“Tommy,” Karen said. “Hey, are you alright?”

“I miss him,” Tommy said.

“I’m pretty sure he misses you too,” Hen said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you have anything stronger?”

Hen didn’t mince words. She told him point blank about how after the break up, Evan had tried to act like he was alright. Then, he’d just started to do anything he could in order to keep busy.

“He started baking,” Hen said. “Then he started doing yoga. He started rock climbing. I think he even took an art class. Anyway, it was hard to watch but I guess it was better than if he sat at home wallowing.”

“Like I did,” Tommy said.

Karen grasped his wrist. “You were both hurting. What happened, Tommy?”

“He asked me to move in and I said no.”

“And you broke up over that?” Hen asked, surprised.

Tommy shook his head. “No. Yes. In what world was this going to last? He only just discovered he likes men and yeah it was going well but it wasn’t forever. If we moved in together, it was going to be so much harder when we broke up.”

“That’s…that’s bullshit, Tommy,” Hen said. “So, you broke his heart and yours so it wouldn’t happen later on.”

“I didn’t break his—”

“You did,” Karen said.

“Well shouldn’t he get a chance to explore what his sexuality means? Shouldn’t he get to figure that out instead of settling for the first guy he dates?”

“And what if he wasn’t settling?”

That kept him up all of that night. He still remembered how the conversation had gone. Evan had brought up the Abby thing and Tommy had felt put on the spot because it was the last thing he expected and then Evan had started to explain about Abby being an important relationship to him and how Tommy was just as important, the most important since, and all at once Tommy’s fears and insecurities had rushed forward because Evan and Abby hadn’t made it and now that Tommy was this gay mentor or whatever of course it wouldn’t last either. He tried to explain that to Hen and Karen and they both looked at him like he was the one that didn’t get it.

“You need to talk to him,” Hen said. “For both your sakes.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Tommy admitted.

Exactly a year after it happened, he saw Evan again.

Tommy had gone out to a gay bar because he couldn’t stay home and wallow. Lucy had also told him that he needed to put himself out there again. That if he wasn’t going to talk to Evan, then he needed to talk to someone that might give him a reason to move on. He really didn’t want to, but at the same time his right hand was getting tired and maybe some release of a carnal nature was what Tommy needed. No one had said it, but they had all kind of implied that Evan had at least gotten out there.

He and Evan had gone to that bar once, gotten a drink and then danced a little before calling it a night and heading back to Evan’s, both of them eager to get up to Evan’s bedroom. He remembered seeing more than a few eyes looking at Evan with interest and how it had made something inside him churn because Tommy had known that if Evan was on the market again he wouldn’t have a hard time finding someone that was interested in him.

Finding himself a free spot at the bar, Tommy ordered a beer and he tried not to think about the first few times that Tommy had gone into a gay bar and how nervous he’d been to actually put himself out there like that.

“Hi, handsome,” a male voice said before Tommy had even gotten his beer.

Tommy turned. “Hello.”

The guy had floppy hair. He was lanky and thin, could probably be called a twink. He was also way too young for Tommy, probably not even in his mid-twenties.

“So,” the twink said, hand reaching to touch Tommy’s chest right where the V of his shirt ended. “Want to have some fun?” He wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips and his hand climbed to Tommy’s neck.

“Sorry,” Tommy said. “That’s not why I’m here.”

“Boo,” the guy said, hand dropping away, “So why are you here?”

“A drink,” Tommy said decisively because he knew that even if someone age appropriate were to approach him, he wouldn’t have been interested. They weren’t Evan.

“Oh, well. It was worth trying. Though, I don’t usually get turned down twice in one night.”

“What’s your name?” Tommy asked.

“Owen.”

“Well, Owen, it looks to me like there are plenty of fishes in the sea. Third time might be the charm. To be honest, you’re way too young for me and I’m still…I’m hung up on my ex.”

Owen took a look around, but he turned back to Tommy. “Bad break up? Did he break your heart?”

“More like I broke his and mine. Such an idiot.”

“But, hey, you’re still hot. I could help you forget for a few hours.”

Tommy laughed.

Owen grinned. “Not ready for that. Must have been quite the guy.”

“Yeah.”

Owen wandered off and Tommy watched him strike up a conversation with another guy, someone a little closer to his age. They seemed to hit it off and next time he saw them they were out getting lost in the crowd of bodies on the dance floor.

Tommy finished his beer and was about to order another when he heard a familiar voice. Down the bar he found Evan. He was turned away from Tommy looking to one of the tables where a man was waving. Tommy couldn’t watch this. He couldn’t see Evan flirt with someone else. He couldn’t see Evan go home with that guy. He couldn’t look away.

Evan said something to the girl behind the bar and…wait, did he not accept the drink? Then, he saw Evan put some money down right before finishing his beer and moving to leave.

Tommy did the same and he followed.

Evan made it out the door just ahead of him and Tommy had to get around several people, but eventually he made it to the door and then out. Evan was just outside, arms crossed over his chest, waiting.

“Tommy,” he said.

His voice, the sound of his name, Tommy felt it all down to his bones.

“Hi, Evan,” he said and he knew his voice broke on Evan’s name.

“It’s been a year,” Evan said.

The door opened behind Tommy and Tommy had to step out of the way, his eyes never leaving Evan because maybe Evan would disappear.

“I know,” Tommy said.

“It’s felt like longer,” Evan said.

“I know.”

“I miss you,” Evan said.

“I miss you too.”

Evan was quiet for a beat and then, “then, why?”

It was high time he stopped being a coward, high time that he stopped getting in his own way or letting the past intrude on his present.

“Because I’m the biggest idiot,” Tommy said.

Evan snorted. “You’re not wrong.”

The door opened again bringing with it a wave of music. It was Owen, arms linked with the guy he’d been dancing with. He looked between them and laughed, shaking his head as he walked past them.

“Maybe we should take this conversation elsewhere,” Tommy suggested.

Tommy’s house was closer. It felt better than going to Evan’s loft, not that it stopped Tommy from remembering how it had all gone. How he’d let the door close behind him and he’d just thought that it was the right call.

Evan followed him inside.

“You know, it was so dumb of me to ask you to move in when you’re the one that owns his own place,” Evan said. “I was just…overcorrecting. Rushing. Trying to show you how much I wanted us to have a future.”

“And I got scared,” Tommy said and led Evan to the living room. “I was dumb too. I should never have broken up with you but, Evan, the way you were talking about Abby and me, it was like of course I was just here to be your next transformative relationship. The next thing that prepared you for…for whoever came next.”

Transformative. That word had stuck around for him, he realized. The comparison Evan had made about his relationship with Abby to their relationship. He and Evan sat down.

“Tommy, I’m—”

Tommy stood. “I’ll go get us some water.”

He didn’t wait for Evan to respond. As soon as he was out of the room he took a few breaths. What were they doing here? What were either of them hoping to accomplish? Did Evan want to get back together? Was that…was that the right move?

Twelve months. It had been double the amount of time that their relationship had lasted and Tommy ached for Evan. He longed for him. He still hadn’t gotten rid of any of the things that reminded him of Evan or the things that belonged to Evan either. Hell, he hadn’t even let anyone take over or make their own mark.

“Tommy?” Evan called you. “Do you want me to come to the kitchen?”

“I’ll be right back.”

He grabbed and filled glasses.

Evan had started pacing the floor. He looked distraught. Tommy wanted to grab his hands and hug him, instead he set down the water.

“We never talked about our exes,” Tommy said.

Evan’s gaze snapped towards him. “No, I guess we didn’t.”

“Come, sit,” Tommy said and motioned to the couch. “Evan, I think I let my past decide my future and clearly I was wrong and this last year has been miserable. I’ve missed you every day and I thought walking away was the right thing for you, but it was definitely the wrong thing for me and I just—”

He didn’t expect Evan to kiss him, but that’s what Evan did. It didn’t last long and Tommy wanted to pull him right into another kiss because it had been a year since the last time he kissed him — the last time he’d kissed anybody.

“Evan,” he said.

“I learned a year and a half ago that was one way of getting someone’s attention,” Evan said. “I’ve been miserable too. I hated this last year and I missed you and as much as I wanted to hate you I just love you too much.”

Then, they were kissing again and Tommy was pressed back against his couch, Evan practically crawling into his lap. His arms were around Evan again and he really hadn’t thought that he would ever have this again, but Evan was there and he smelled amazing and he felt amazing and their lips slotted together perfectly.

Tommy didn’t even realize he was crying until Evan pulled back and his hands were brushing away his tears and then kissing his cheeks. His nose.

“I love you,” Evan said. “I’m in love with you.”

His heart was soaring and he reached to cup Evan’s cheeks. “Good, because I love you too.”

Evan smiled wide at him, pecked his lips and then just hugged him. Held him. Tommy held him back.

“We’ll have to talk about it,” Tommy said. “I want to explain. I want—”

“Later,” Evan said. “Right now, I just want…I want to bask in this. In us.”

#bucktommy #bucktommy fic #tevan #tommy kinard #evan buckley #kinley #911 fic #911 abc

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tumblerlove · 2 days ago

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Yes, I am alive....no, I don't even know where it is that I disappeared to, but I'm back 😌 so here's some Rafe angst that does end happy, though

"Rafe, what's wrong?" You gasp as you see your boyfriend absolutely distraught....

You hadn't heard from Rafe all day, which is werid for him. If you two can't be together that day, then he'll call you at least. But he hadn't even texted you either. That's why you're knocking at Tannyhills door right now. Wheezie had let you in, and you could tell the house was tense by the look on her face. It was just her and Rafe. You didn't hear or see Ward, Rose, or Sarah around

You knock on his door before entering. "Wheezie, go away, I don't want to talk right now," he yells behind the door. You open it anyway and peek inside and see him on the edge of his bed

You tell him softly, "It's just me, Rafe." He whips his head towards you and can see that his eyes are teary and red. And omg, there's a bruise under his eye. And maybe even his lip is cut?! His hair looks disheveled like his hands had been running through it

"Rafe, what's wrong!?" You gasp as you see your boyfriend absolutely distraught. "What...what are you doing here?" As he stands up and looks away from you

"I came to check on you...I hadn't heard from you it's not like you." You tell him as he looks away from you. "Rafe, tell me what happened," you ask him, your tone pleading a little, trying to find out what happened that has him like this

"Just fucking go. I don't want you seeing me like this, " his voice raising at you, still looking away from you. He never would talk to you like this

"Don't talk to me like that, Rafe...I'm your girlfriend. I have a right to find out what's got you so upset so I can help." Your tone is firm but still caring

"God, I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to raise my voice at you," he tells you his tone softer now. He turns around to you. "Oh Rafe," you gasp out and walk up to him and inspect the black eye forming already. He does infact have a cut on his cheek and his lip, too

"Did you get into a fight?" You look at him, knowing how he was before meeting you. "No, no, I promise," his tone serious. You can tell he didn't fight as you see his hands are clean, no cuts or blood on them

"If you won't tell me then... just let me fix you up and take care of you." Your eyes finding his that are watering again. He mumbles "Ok" as you step closer to him and hold his hand, moving him towards his bathroom

He sits on the toilet seat as you grab some things to patch him up, still curious as to what happened. You clean his cuts, making sure they don't get infected. He winces when you use a cleaning spray. "I'm sorry, baby." You lean down and kiss, his forehead

"It was my dad," he blurts out as you make eye contact with him. Trying not to move or speak, so he continues on. "He got pissed off because the job he had me working on fell through." his eyes look hurt. You knew that he had been working on it and trying so hard to make it work.

He's holding your waist as if you'll keep him grounded while telling you. "I told him that I tried everything, and the guy had pulled out last minute. He didn't believe me... said I must have fucked something up." Rafes words mumbled as he presses his face into your stomach, not being able to look at you

"When I defended myself again he pushed me and when I tried to push him away he punched me and his ring cut me too" he looks finally up at you as you both have tears in your eyes

"Oh Rafe," you look at him, pulling him to you so you can hug him properly. "I...I didn't even defend myself. I just walked away after like a coward." He sounds defeated and tired. "You did the right thing. You're the bigger person. You've grown from this behavior." You try to help him calm down and reason with him that he did good

"You know how much worse it could've been baby if you would've fought him back," you say, holding his face to look you in the eyes. "You are a stronger man for walking away. Your father is the coward."

"I fucking hate this" he looks up at you eyes watery. "I'm so tired," Rafe says, his voice and face breaking your heart

You pull him up and start moving him back to the bedroom. "Let's get you comfortable and in bed," you smile up at him, doing your best to help him. Rafe just mindlessly follows you as you pick out sweats for him to change into

"Let me help you," you step closer to him to start getting his shirt off. "You don't have to, baby," his voice soft while looking at you. "I know... but I want too" you say as you get him into sweatpants

As you get him into bed and make him comfortable, he grabs your hand. "Can you stay here tonight?" Rafe asks softly. "Of course I was just gonna change into something comfortable," you cup his face before changing

When you're changed into one of Rafes' shirts and a pair of underwear, you climb into bed with him. His eyes are puffy from crying and swollen from his black eye. It breaks your heart seeing him like this, knowing he's eating himself up over his dad's shit

"Rafe...." you ask as he's snuggled against your back, cuddling against you. "Yes, love," he says, sleepy. "You should move in with me," you blurt out. You feel his body stiffen for a second until he says, "I'll start packing in the morning." He kisses your neck as he falls asleep

Next morning, you wake up to the sounds of Rafe packing his things up with a smile on his face.

#rafe x you #rafe x reader #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe cameron fluff #rafe imagine #rafe cameron #rafe outer banks

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chimivx · 5 hours ago

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home;run -> fem!reader x mlb!mingyu, mlb!vernon, mlb!dk

College didn't work out, so you're stuck with the next best thing. Living with your superstar brother, traveling with his championship winning team, haunted by your past and heavily influenced by your present.

wc; {part six} 7k warnings; 18+, sexual content, alcohol consumption/abuse, bad influences around her, manipulation, her name gets taken advantage of in public media, if i missed anything please let me know!! notes; peese n lurv. <3

“It’s a little hypocritical, V.”

The door to the hotel weighed a thousand pounds. Slippery hands and intoxicated muscles could barely budge it an inch. Laughing to himself, Vernon took the handle from you over your shoulder and moved you backwards to pull it open, the two of you stepping into the vestibule.

“I don’t think it is, Isla,” he said, keeping his voice between the two of you, unlike you, still wobbling and unable to consciously realize how loud you were actually talking. Holding his arms out behind you as you took a slight stumble backward, he gave you a gentle push toward the second door, this one just as heavy. “Let me-”

“No,” you spat, then giggled. Wrapping your hands around the cool metal of the glass door you tugged backward once, twice, then three times before you were able to finally work it open. “Aha!” you cheered, throwing a look back at him.

What you didn’t see, what your tipsiness failed to pick up on was the way he shoved his foot in the bottom of the door to help you pull it open.

“Good job,” he mumbled with a tiny smile. “I’m not a hypocrite.”

Wandering into the lobby lit with dim lightning now that the clocks had ticked past midnight, you bickered like you would back at Nasara, a lighthearted thing, something that essentially meant nothing.

Spinning in a half circle to point at him, eyebrows raised, you whispered, “Hypocrite.”

“I didn’t have time to answer you,” he groaned in a way that told you he was simply playing along. Rolling his head backward, taking his eyes with it in the process, he tilted his chin to the side when he looked at you, a smile playing on his lips. “They do things differently here, I’m not able to be on my phone right before a game.”

Crossing your arms over your chest you popped out a hip. “You could’ve said something after.”

Drawing his eyes all over you, he shoved his hands in his pockets and sighed. “You’re right,” he shrugged, “I’m sorry, Isla.”

The chocolate of his eyes beckoned you closer, but you stayed put. Letting the rubber of your sneakers melt into the floor, you swore to yourself you wouldn’t budge, no matter how his gaze was making you feel. Heat rose to your cheeks before it rushed through every inch of your body. Clutching your arms tight, he took note, then averted his eyes to the floor trying to resist the smile that longed to break out onto his face.

“Did it help?” Your whisper had his eyes latching back onto yours. “The message?”

Lips tipping up, he hesitated a moment, then bobbed his head. “Yeah,” he said with a breath. “It did. Thank you.”

Swallowing hard, you nodded with him and took a breath to steady your beating heart. “Course,” you said. Your gaze lingered too long on his neck, on the shirt that draped over his shoulders, one button undone where the silver chain peeked through the fabric. Skin so smooth, insatiable, you could taste it, like you did in September. You had littered his skin with the delicate purple bites, yours soft, barely tainting his complexion, unlike what Mingyu had done to you, so harsh, as if to claim you.

Face buried in your hair, nose pressed to your temple, parted lips brushing your ear, his soft sounds mixing with yours injected straight into your heart. Arms wrapped around you, one under your head, the other holding your waist, his fingers pressing into your skin, tangling with your hair. Knees pulled back, legs wrapped around him, you held him close to you, kept him against you, moving with him, that cool silver chain like ice against your skin that burned with a fire you haven’t felt since.

How you longed to have his curls wrapped around your fingers like they were that night. How you yearned to have him whisper the things he did to you, both filthy and sweet, talking you through every second when words were unbeknownst to you.

You wanted to go back, wanted to be there, just you and Vernon in the locker room, at Nasara. You should’ve stayed, you shouldn’t have let those girls do what they did, shouldn’t have come home, shouldn’t have cursed out your therapist and stormed out of her office, shouldn’t have agreed to go out with Mingyu that night in December.

“You’re doing it again,” he whispered, pulling you from your thoughts. Flickering your eyes up to his, not realizing how low they had drifted, he smiled, lips pressed together tight. “Don’t look at me like that,” he said quietly in a silly voice to make you giggle. It worked. “Come on, upstairs, you’re going to your room.”

Starting toward the elevators around a corner, your words whirled him right around. “Damn, punished for looking at you? Putting me in time-out?”

“Stop,” he snickered, waving you in front of him. You reached a hand out, but he pulled his into his chest. “Nope,” he popped the P, “You lead, I follow. No touching allowed.”

“Damn,” you said, slapping the arrow pointing up on the wall when you reached the hall of silver doors. “I am being punished.” Shooting him a side eye, you both broke into fits of laughter. Stepping into the space four tiny walls big, he placed you against one side and took up the other, pressing the number for your floor. Your eyes narrowed, studying him where he stood only feet apart from you. “How do you know where I am?”

His smile never faltered. “Because I am on the same floor.”

Your jaw dropped. “This whole time?” He slowly nodded his head. “What the fuck, no one told me?” A laugh escaped him in a breath as he looked up at the red numbers flashing on the wall. “Right,” you whispered, catching on. “Guess I didn’t need to know. That would’ve been weird.”

He turned his gaze toward you. “Why would it be weird?”

You blinked at him, unsure how to go about this answer. “I mean, we weren’t talking, and no one knew about us, we could’ve kept on going like we didn’t even know each other and no one would think twice about any of it.” His eyes softened. “Plus, you’ve said it, I have a… boyfriend, so why would I need to know where you’re staying? As much as I want to-”

He held up a hand, “Isla,” cutting you off before you spewed out things you shouldn’t be saying at the moment. The only person who knew to cut you off before you said something you didn’t want to say out loud. The elevator dinged, the doors pulling open. “It’s okay,” he said, following you out onto the carpeted hallway, sticking to your side as you walked the stretch a mile long. “Don’t do that with me.”

“Do what?”

“Your nervous rambling thing,” he whispered, looking down at you.

Right.

He knew your thoughts before you thought them.

“We’ll get through this,” he said. “This whole… start of whatever. It’ll work itself out.”

You paused your walk, ceasing his in the process. With a quiet sigh he turned to watch you. “So, you’re still upset?” The raise of his eyebrows was all you needed. “Okay,” you breathed, shaking your head, walking past him. He had to jog twice to catch up to your side.

“Iya,” he half laughed.

“No,” you said, shrugging. “Just needed confirmation. I fucked up, I know that. You’re upset, I know that. How do I fix it, I don’t know that.”

“It’s not that- I just-” Stuttering an ungodly amount of times, he groaned. “This is a good start.”

“What? Me drunkenly crying to you in your car for a half hour?”

He put a hand on your shoulder and your heart leapt into your throat. You looked up at his small smile. “Talking to you.”

You wanted to reach up and take his hand. Wanted to hold it, pull him closer, maybe even wrap an arm around him and hug him, but you knew he wouldn’t let you. It’s like Ryujin said, he’s too good of a guy. Turning the corner down an adjacent hallway, two voices arguing back and forth grew louder, echoing off the walls of the hotel hall. The two of you froze in place, both of your faces expressing your shock.

“I wasn’t lying to you,” your brother said to Mingyu who stood two inches from his face. Your stomach did cartwheels when your boyfriend who towered over DK whipped his head to the left and took in the scene before him. Vernon never moved faster, both hands flew into his pockets.

Taking a step back from your brother, Mingyu dropped his chin and sent the most chilling glare to the boy beside you. “What the fuck?” His deep voice bounced off the walls. Sucking in a deep breath, it left your lungs all too fast. You gave Vernon the quickest glance, then hurried down the carpet with him trailing many, many feet behind. “Are you drunk?” Mingyu asked as you approached his side, his death glare hitting Vernon once more. “What’d he do?”

“He didn’t do anything,” you said. “He brought me here. That’s it.”

He blew air through his lips, a snarky smile appearing right after. “Sure,” he said. “Like I believe that. The pictures online were cute.”

“What pictures?” you whispered, squinting up at him.

DK placed a hand on your arm, his eyebrows all flipped over. “Are you okay?”

You wanted to shake him off, but not with this Mingyu in front of you. “I’m fine, why?”

“You didn’t come back,” he said, tilting his head. “I said come back.”

“What’s the truth, Isla?” Mingyu put a hand to your shoulder, both of them holding onto opposite sides of you. Looking up at him, six feet, two inches tall, you gulped. His eyes were pointed, angry. “People are saying you were flirting with anything that walked, then he came and put you in his car. Took you a while to get back here, didn’t it? I know what you’re like when you’re drinking, what happened?”

Lips parting, face screwing up, you shook your head and scoffed. “And what am I like when I’m drinking?”

He grit his teeth and leaned over you, “A bitch in heat.”

“Okay,” DK raised his voice, pulling you away from Mingyu, stepping between the two of you. Without touching his teammate he held a hand toward his chest. “You’re drunk,” he said, then gestured to you, “You’re drunk,” he glanced at Vernon who had his own anger growing beneath the surface, “You can go, thank you, for everything, for calling me, thank you.”

He didn’t move. Mingyu started running his mouth again, nothing but bullshit about you and Vernon spilling out of it, him using your feelings against you, things you told him in complete sober confidence.

“You know, maybe you should’ve never told me you loved him, ‘cause how the fuck am I supposed to believe anything you say to me now?” His ears were burning red. His hands flew around a mile a minute. Pressing your hands to your middle, all you could do was stare at him. You didn’t tell Vernon you told him that. “You skip out on a night to celebrate with me, to be with him? Did you think I wouldn’t see it? It’s everywhere, Daya was the one to show me. I left the bar so fast, I came right here, I ran into you,” he tapped DK’s chest with a finger and you swore you could hear the way your brother gasped, “And you tell me that she was in trouble? That he helped her?”

“He did,” DK said steadily, not allowing his emotions to get the best of him while he stood between you and your raging boyfriend.

Mingyu tipped his head back and laughed. “Did he?” He shot his glare toward you. “Or did you fuck him in the car like I know you would want to?”

“Mingyu,” DK warned. Tears brimmed your eyes.

“Some guys at the bar were bothering me,” you whispered, fighting back a sob. DK reached a hand backward and grabbed onto one of yours. You stepped closer to him, fitting behind his frame. “He got me out of it, he helped me like DK said he did.”

“Bothering you?” he asked, and you nodded, slipping your bottom lip between your teeth. “Guys were?” You nodded again and he smirked. “That’s what you get for going without me.”

“She can do whatever the fuck she wants, you’re not her keeper, Mingyu,” Vernon spoke up, his voice matching your boyfriends in strength. “It wasn’t her fault. Those guys were creeps. I was just keeping her safe. I didn’t do anything else but get her out of a situation that could’ve been really bad.”

“What, you want me to thank you?” Mingyu curled his lip. “You’re not getting shit from me, I don’t care what you did. We’ve been perfect all this time, and now you two wanna screw it up.” A huff left your brother, but he couldn’t find the words to say. You could only imagine the look on Vernons face. “Isla, let’s go,” he said to you, trying to move around DK, but you moved with your brother as he took a step backward. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Mingyu,” DK said with utmost patience.

“Nah,” he sneered, trying to move around him again. “Let’s go, Isla.”

DK actually put his hand to his chest this time, and you swore Mingyu was going to blow his top. “Mingyu,” he said, louder. “She’s going to stay with me tonight. You can see her tomorrow.”

Jaw clenched, Mingyu looked from your brother, to you, to Vernon, then back to you. “Is that really what you want?” he asked. “To stay here, with your brother, when you could come with me?”

DK squeezed your hand, hoping you would answer the way he suggested, the way he advised. Blinking through tears, everything blurry now, you nodded ever so slightly and Mingyu groaned, obnoxiously loud, making you jump.

“Fuck both of you,” he spat at DK and Vernon, pushing past you, knocking into your brothers shoulder on purpose. Turning to watch him walk down the hall, DK kept you behind him, allowing you to watch over his shoulder. He towered over Vernon, leaned over him as he passed him, but your best friend didn’t so much as flinch. “You try anything and I’ll have your ass back down in triple A before the season starts.”

The three of you were silent until he disappeared around the corner.

“He can’t do that,” DK said to Vernon, the two sharing a slight smile. “Even if he could, I wouldn’t let it happen. A lot of us wouldn’t.” Tears spilled over onto your cheeks, a gasp ripping through your chest. DK put you in his arms and walked you towards the door to his room, motioning toward Vernon to come with him. “Only if you want to,” he said, unlocking the door with the key from his pocket. “I just want clarity.”

Within twenty or so minutes the story had been told. You sat on the edge of DK’s bed while the two boys sat on the couch, a foot of space between them. Vernon let you do most of the talking, he only popped in when some details needed polishing, when he appeared at the scene of you at the bar, and then the journey to the car.

“We just talked for a while,” you said with a raise of your shoulders.

DK loosed a breath and sat back into the couch cushions. “Thank god,” he whispered. You and Vernon shared a look, then shot it toward him. “I thought you two were never gonna speak.”

“What?” You and Vernon asked at once.

DK laughed. “The staring, it was driving us all crazy.”

“Us?!” You both said at once, again, laughing soon after.

“Me, Shua, Kwan,” he said, thinking to himself. The three names were enough to have you laughing harder, but then he kept going, making you flop backward onto his bed. “Jihoon, Melody, most of the guys who came with us last night…”

“Okay,” you raised an arm in defeat, “We get it.” Sitting back up you were greeted by a solemn face, eyes full of sorrow. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Your brows furrowed. “For what?”

“For not going with you,” he said. “I shouldn’t have let you go alone.”

Sliding your hands down your thighs to your knees, you squeezed them and shook your head. “I’m a big girl, Deeks, it’s okay.” His eyes narrowed, telling you it was not okay. The group of guys aside, he still sent you up to a bar by yourself. He wouldn’t even let you drink beneath his roof at home in Iloa, and he let you wander up to a bar by yourself in a room full of strangers. “Don’t do that to yourself,” you whispered. “I know better, I could’ve listened to you.”

He glanced to the floor. Giving Vernon a sideways glance before he looked back to you, he pulled his lips together. “Jagiya,” he spoke with all the care in the world, “I say this because I love you, because of what we’ve been through, and because I care about you more than I can say.” Vernon looked away, toying with his fingers. “You may know better, but,” he paused, shaking his head, “I don’t think your mind knows better. Your brain.”

He had something else ready to say, you could feel it behind his teeth, hear it in his hesitance while he waited for you to react.

Quiet, letting his words get in your head like they never have before, you think about Diana, that sweet girl you met that day in the stadium. You think about what happened to you tonight at the bar. Looking at Vernon, you think about what’s happened between the two of you, how you could’ve had it all if your brain knew what was best for you.

You could’ve finished school, you could’ve had a degree. You’d still have your friends, you’d still have Vernon, you’d be living for yourself. You’d be showing all the young girls who followed you, like Diana, that it was possible to achieve things for yourself, that you didn’t need someone else's name to validate your own, family or not.

If your brain knew what was best for you you wouldn’t need to sip the alcohol, you wouldn’t need to get tipsy to feel happy, to not feel anxious. It wouldn’t have ruined relationships, ruined a future you were once kind of excited for.

He would say all of this, you knew that. He’d bring up every single one of these points, but he didn’t have to. They were already in your head. Him speaking up about it would only make the guilt worse.

“We’re here for you, Isla,” DK said with a nod. He looked at Vernon who returned his glance. “Right?”

Sitting backward, smoothing his hands over his legs, Vernon released a breath and looked your way. “We’ve spent a lot of time talking about this,” his voice was soft, warming your cheeks, “You and me. Mostly on the good days.”

A sigh escaped you, turning into a gasp as tears filled your eyes once more. “Good days? I’m at the point where my days are separated by good and bad?” DK leapt from the couch to sit by your side, grabbing onto your hands. Vernon sat forward, edging the couch.

“I know you remember talking about it,” he smiled, continuing on like you weren’t crying into you and your brother's hands. “We would fuck around at the library, trying to not get in trouble sneaking around the rooms and floors we weren’t supposed to be in. You would tell me you were feeling good, that you felt proud of yourself, that you always wanted to feel that way.” He watched you with eyes full of love. “You were excited about a tomorrow.”

“I was,” you whispered, leaning against your brother's shoulder.

Vernon, smiling, shut his eyes for a second. “You were,” he lowered his brows, “That was my girl. I wanted her happy, I wanted her to feel good, but it didn’t matter what I wanted. You needed to want it for yourself, and on the days that you did, I thought… Finally.”

You rolled your eyes. “And then I disappointed you, every time, I know how it goes.”

“You didn’t disappoint me,” he whispered. “Far from it. You fought, and you still do, and I’m proud of you for that.”

DK wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “I’m proud of you, too.”

“Guys,” you whispered. “I suck.”

DK and Vernon shared a look.

“Does she suck?” DK asked.

Vernon raised a brow and glanced about the room. “Hm,” he hummed. “No, I don’t think she does.

“That’s funny,” your brother said. “I don’t think she does either.”

“I think she needs to drink some water, maybe go to sleep,” Vernon said, teetering his hands side to side, weighing the options sarcastically. DK nodded along, humming with approval.

“Maybe talk about this tomorrow?” your brother suggested. “After a coffee and some good breakfast?”

Vernon slapped a hand to his stomach, groaning in delight. “Ugh, breakfast, you’re so right.”

They kept going until you were laughing, your tears coming to a close for the night.

“I love you a lot,” DK said to you, shaking you gently.

Vernon glanced to his hands, rubbing them together. “Yeah, so do I,” he whispered.

SIlence surrounded the three of you, all of you taking the time to let the words spoken sink in, marinate around you, within you.

They were right, you knew they were.

Even if your brain couldn’t grasp it, the part that still wanted to cling to Mingyu for whatever reason even after what had happened in the hallway, they were right.

Standing up, your brother following, you held open your arms and he fell right in, slinging his around your back. “I love you,” you mumbled into his shoulder. “Thank you, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” he whispered, rubbing a hand in circles between your shoulder blades. “I’m sorry for not being there tonight. For only paying attention when I thought you’d been gone for too long.” Grabbing his shirt in fistfulls to insinuate your ‘It’s okay’, you pulled away from him and gave him half a smile.

Turning around to Vernon who had stood up, you pressed your hands into your thighs and took a deep breath. He did the same. But, then he opened his arms, and he dipped his chin down, offering the space to you.

It was embarrassing really, how fast you flew into his hold, how quick you were to throw your arms around his waist and how hard you squeezed him. Burying his face in your neck, one hand to your hair, the other around you, he took a deep breath you could feel, you could hear, and the tears found their way back to your eyes. Having sobered up a bit since the bar, you could comprehend it this time, how it felt to hold him, touch him, have him touch you, hold you.

You wanted to live here.

He knew you. He loved you. He never judged you.

He was able to say it all with the way his lips brushed against your cheek. Not a kiss, but the softest touch, one barely noticeable.

“You’re gonna be okay,” he whispered.

“I love you,” you whispered back, and he smiled.

“I know.”

Within the next ten minutes Vernon and DK were shaking hands at his door and you were changing in your room, waddling back to your brother's room, tucking yourself into one side of his bed. He joined you in minutes, tossing you a bottle of water before turning off the lights and taking his side of the bed. Shuffling beneath the sheets, the both of you getting comfortable, feeling like you were children all over again, you were finally able to rest.

It was quiet for a while, minutes ticking by in silence until you whispered, “I have to break up with Mingyu,” and your brother giggled a little too loud.

Your phone was dead when you woke up.

Surprisingly, you were not.

Able to wiggle your fingers and toes, move your arms and bend your knees, you could sit up without wanting to vomit all over yourself. And, you were wearing clothes!

That didn’t mean you felt fantastic.

The atrocious post-sex fatigue wasn’t there, but the need for a mimosa was.

Through the kitchen and down a little hallway lived the bathroom. The shower was running and the quietest voice, singing something you couldn’t make out could be heard.

DK.

You were in his room, swallowed by his pillows. Thank god. He and Vernon got you here, they helped you, and the conversation they had with you rang in your ears, echoed within your head. It was time to do better. It was time to be better. Before something awful happened.

You’d consider what happened between you and Vernon to be awful enough, you weren’t quite sure it could get worse until it did. You were tired of them having to clean up your messes. It’d been growing incredulously exhausting letting people down, giving them hope only to rip it away within hours.

Everything you wanted was in front of you, waiting for you, hoping for you.

This time, you weren’t going to screw it up.

The shower shut off, but the humming continued. DK strolled out in a t-shirt and shorts moments later, his wet hair pushed backward to dry. Wandering about the room for a bit, situating his luggage, hanging up his bath towels, going in and out of the bathroom to brush his teeth, you watched him the whole time. It wasn’t until he finally looked your way that he jumped out of his skin.

“Jesus, Jagi,” he hissed, hands flying to his chest. “How long have you been awake?”

Laughing, you sat up and reached for your feet to stretch. “Since the first round of Celine Dion in the shower.”

Releasing a sigh, he pinched the bridge of his nose. “The acoustics are great here, what can I say?”

The sound of his voice echoing in the bathroom played through your head, and you laughed again. Sucking in a deep breath, you belted, “ANNND I-” You were molly whopped by a pillow he threw at your face. “Hey!” Sitting back up like you were, the pillow having totally knocked you backward, thank you best pitcher in baseball, you heaved it his way but it didn’t reach him.

“That was Whitney Houston you uncultured motherfucker,” he joked, both of his brows skyrocketing on his forehead. After another laugh out of you, he cracked one too. “Get it right.”

“So sorry,” you said. “What are you doing today?” you asked, watching him kick around his shoes, looking for a matching pair.

“Hanging out with you, I thought,” he said, giving a look.

“It’s your day off and you want to spend it with me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked, sitting down on the end of the bed to tie his sneakers.

Pushing the covers off of yourself you slipped out of bed and stretched your arms over your head, occasionally remembering some of the exercises you learned in class once upon a time. “I just thought you’d want to do something else,” you breathed, reaching down to touch your toes.

“Hm, I don’t,” he said and you huffed a laugh. “Breakfast, remember? We’re going out, some place fun, during the day.”

Standing up straight, you smiled. “Got it.”

He went back to fidgeting with his shoes. “Anything else you want to do while we’re here? Have you shopped at all?” You rounded the bed, ending up at his side. “I remember those stores you like down by the beach, maybe we go down there?” Looking up at you, his eyes traveled from your smiling face to your outstretched hand. “Yes?”

“Can I use your phone for a second?”

He glanced backward at the bed. “Where’s yours?”

“Dead,” you said, wiggling your fingers. “Hand it over.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“Just have to send a text,” you shrugged, “And, I’m not really sure I wanna charge mine. Could be interesting to keep it off all day, not go on it, to not be stuck in a forever scroll.”

Blinking up at you, he thought about it, then nodded. “Fair,” he muttered, wiggling the phone from his back pocket, slapping it onto your palm.

“You have Mingyu’s number right?” you asked, swiping open to his messages, the first thread in his inbox from Vernon last night. Groaning, he stood and adjusted his shirt.

“Are you kidding me,” he nearly whined, “Charge yours if you’re gonna talk to him. I will not let you two converse through my phone.”

Creating a new thread with him, you typed out a simple message and hit send, placing the phone back into your brother's hand. “There,” you said with a smile. “Let me get ready, I’ll be back in a bit.”

He watched you scramble your way out of his room, the door shutting with the loudest slam. Out of pure curiosity he glanced at his phone screen and the message that had been read the second it was sent.

[dk]: This is Isla. Phones dead. We need to talk at some point today, please. I’m going out with DK today, don’t let it piss you off.

Every eye in the room pointed towards you. Doors to the restaurant closing behind you, the place quaint, bright, airy, every head seemed to turn, and not because you were standing with four members of the Lions starting line up. They didn’t look at your brother, Vernon, Joshua, or Seungkwan. They stared at you.

Parents of families, groups of girls your age, couples tucked into booths, everyone wide eyed like they were fighting to look at anything else, anyone else, but they couldn’t.

“Just five of us,” DK smiled at the hostess who nodded toward him after glancing at you over his shoulder. Wearing his smile as he turned to face you and your friends, without mentioning the elephant in the room, he muttered, “I’m starving.”

“Me too,” Seungkwan yawned, pressing the back of his hand to his lips. His blonde hair dusted his lashes, the cut short in the back yet longer over his forehead. With your arms folded over your chest your eyes scanned the room, then ended on him doing the same thing. Shooting you a side eye for a second, he threw an arm around your shoulders, tucking you into him.

He didn’t have to say anything else.

Following the hostess to a table on the far left side of the restaurant, far away enough from the people staring yet close enough to not feel alienated, the boys situated themselves into seats, Seungkwan pulling one out for you beside Vernon and himself. You were to be sandwiched between them.

Wandering out of your room this morning in a leather mini skirt and a vintage Haos sweater your mother wore in her early twenties, the three boys greeted you with wide smiles and squishy hugs. A complete surprise, you squeezed them all, even Vernon. He saved himself for last, letting the other three lead the way out of the hall so he could hug you tight.

You assumed this breakfast was for you and your brother, but he had said it himself, they were your friends too, and it was evident in the way they cared for you just as DK would. Sitting here at the table they helped you fix a cup of coffee, helping each other too, they spoke quietly and asked you a thousand questions to distract you from the people whispering in the booth behind you.

Vernon fit right in. After two weeks you assumed he would, you said it since the start, this was his element. He and Seungkwan had the most chemistry, the two had inside jokes already they weren’t afraid to crack across your lap as they leaned over the table with grins miles wide to laugh at one another. DK and Joshua, older than the three of you, got stuck deep in their own discussion that Seungkwan had to kick them under the table when the waitress appeared to take your orders.

“Oh!” The woman turned right around after Seungkwan handed over the menus stacked together. “I forgot to tell you, we have drink specials, bottomless mimosas, brunch cocktails, if you check out that little menu right here,” she pointed to a short leather triangle in the center of the table, “It has everything on it.”

DK reached for it and handed it to her with a dazzling smile. “Thank you, but we’re good,” he said with a curve of his brow. “More coffee would be great, though.”

“Please,” Seungkwan groaned, dragging his hands over his cheeks. Joshua cracked a laugh.

“No problem,” the woman smiled, then she was off.

“Puh-lease,” Joshua mocked Seungkwan, propping his elbows on the table, smacking his palms to his cheeks. Gaze dancing between them, a smile on your lips, they bickered and laughed like siblings, your brother included. You were so enthralled by the entertainment in front of you, surrounding you, you barely noticed the finger poking your knee.

Vernon sat back in his chair, his legs extended in front of him. He didn’t look at you when you looked at him, but he pulled his hand back into his lap and the tiniest smile graced his lips.

“Yes?” You kept your voice quiet, just between the two of you.

He slid his eyes over to you. “I missed you.”

It was impossible to fight the heat that rose to your cheeks. “You just saw me last night.”

He nodded, glancing down to his lap. “Not just since last night,” he whispered. Taking a breath, he looked at you and said, “I’ve been missing you.”

A breath shot through you, forcing you to look around at your brother and your friends who were paying no mind to the two of you, the three of them in their own world, Joshua and Seungkwan arguing over something while DK lost his shit.

“I missed you too,” you whispered, sitting your chin in your hands, propping your elbows on the table. Opening your shoulders to him, he met your eyes and held them, life moving on around the two of you, voices echoing past you like they were nothing. “Thanks for last night,” you said. “I owe you.”

He twisted his brows and gave you a look. “Owe me? Shut up, you don’t owe me anything.”

“How many times are you gonna save my ass without me returning the favor?”

Eyes softening, he breathed through a laugh and shook his head. “Something’ll come up eventually, I-”

“Mingyu?”

The near shout of his name made the entire table freeze. Vernon, mid sentence, leaned forward to catch a glimpse of the booth behind you, DK doing the same. Seungkwan slid a hand over the wood and wrapped his fingers around your arm. Joshua sat tall in his chair, barely moving as he surveyed the situation.

“He’s not here,” Vernon muttered, and you released a breath you’d sucked in. DK relaxed as well, shaking his head. “They’re just talking.”

“Do not like how that just set us all off,” Joshua mumbled, elbowing your brother in the shoulder. Furrowing your brows, giving them each a look, you end with your brother.

“What do we all know?” you questioned, reaching for the glass of water in front of you. DK poked his tongue between his lips, his eyebrows popping as he sat forward and glanced to his friends for help. “We have plenty of time,” the way you smiled made them all shudder, “Explain yourselves.”

About an hour later, half empty plates scattered over the table, empty coffee mugs lined in front of Seungkwan, each boy had given you their spiel about the boy you still could call your boyfriend. DK had expressed his grief to his friends at the start of your relationship, which in turn had you learning today that none of them really enjoyed the idea of you and Mingyu together, or the idea of Mingyu in general. Him, that side of the team, Hoshi and Minghao, they didn’t judge them for who they were or what they did, but ultimately decided amongst themselves that it was the principle of it all.

Values aligning, morals clashing, something like that.

Vernon didn’t have much to add, he simply listened, observed, but nodded along, having his own personal grief over Mingyu, only actually having known the boy for two weeks.

“So, we all don’t like him,” you said, tossing your napkin onto your empty plate. It was the first meal you’ve been able to finish in two weeks. DK, shoveling food into his mouth, rolled his eyes.

“Depends on who you’re asking for, and under which circumstances,” Joshua said, nodding at the same time as Seungkwan.

“Agreed,” the blonde pointed to his teammate. Wiping his hands with a napkin he sipped the rest of his umpteenth coffee and shook his head. “As a part of our team? As an outfielder? A baseball player? Good god, he’s unbelievable, we wouldn’t be what we are without him.” Both DK and Joshua exchanged a look of agreement. “But, when it comes down to him and what he does with his,” Seungkwan glanced at you momentarily, “Private relationships, or what should be private… I can’t get behind it.”

“Easy for you to say,” you said, sipping your water. “If you were with someone you’d have people doing the same thing to you. You’re single.”

Seungkwan smiled. “No, I’m not.” Joshua laughed aloud, slapping a hand to his mouth.

Jaw dropping, you flashed him a glare before shoving Seungkwan's shoulder. “What?!”

“Don’t you say a word,” Seungkwan whispered, leaning toward you.

“How do you not get blown up everywhere? This is like Woozi and Melody all over again, he hid her for like two years!” Your hands flew a mile a minute. “Is it just ‘cause it’s me? My parents? My brother?” Throwing a hand toward him, he frowned. “Sorry,” you said, rushed as anything. “I just don’t get it.”

Wearing a solemn face, Seungkwan rested a hand on your shoulder. “Because it’s what he wants.”

“Values, morals,” Joshua waved a hand around, “Blah, blah, blah.”

Exactly as Ryujin had said.

And Vernon.

Setting your glass down, you folded your hands on your lap and nodded. “Good to know. I’ve been blind.” A hand touched your shoulder, Vernon’s. He squeezed you, trying to reassure you, but somehow it didn’t help. If anything, it made it worse. Flashing him a pout, he leaned closer to you and shook his head.

“Don’t do that to yourself,” he whispered.

“And that’s why your boyfriend cheated on you!”

It was those girls from the booth behind you, the ones who had been talking about you and your friends this entire time. They were standing up to leave, no older than you, dressed for the beach. Champagne glasses covered their table.

Whipping yourself around, Vernon retracting himself entirely, you finally opened your mouth. “Can you leave us the fuck alone?”

Her friends were trying to pull her out, they clearly wanted out of the place, when the boys turned around it was written all over their faces. They wanted nothing to do with what was about to happen. “You’re here like you don’t care,” she laughed, loud, acquiring eyes from around the place. “With him,” she sneered in Vernon’s direction, “We know what you did, Moon Isla.”

“I didn’t do shit,” you said with a smile.

The girl, staggering backward as one of her friends finally got her to move, cackled one last time before she shouted, “Your boyfriend did!”

Heart sinking into your gut, you whirled towards the table and searched your pockets for your phone before remembering it was dead, and in DK’s hotel room. The boys whispered amongst themselves, their own eyes questioning shit while yours bugged out of your head. Looking from Vernon to Seungkwan, unsure of what to do with yourself, you finally decided to hold out your hand toward your brother. He knew in an instant what you wanted, the thing that lived on Do Not Disturb in his pocket.

The second he dropped it into his hand you were swiping for the internet, but not before checking his messages to see if Mingyu had ever answered your message.

[Kim Mingyu]: As soon as possible please.

You didn’t bother to answer it. You didn’t need his excuses, his empty words. Social media told you everything you needed to know, pictures flooded the feed with every refresh, people posting more and more as time passed. Your body went numb, fingers cold, stomach sick. Heart thudding between your lungs, breath quickening with each exhale, you threw the phone down onto the table and pressed your hands to your eyes, begging your conscious self not to sob.

Seungkwan took the phone, open on a photo, and gasped. Within seconds his arms were around you, he was whispering things to you, calming you while the phone got passed around and the boys riled themselves up. Angry, sad, betrayed, overwhelmed, you felt it all, but what you didn’t feel was blindsided. You’d seen this coming. Your strategic brain, what put you onto Yeji’s plan back at Nasara, had it figured out since Day One.

And, come to think of it, as much as this upset you, embarrassed you, Mingyu finally did one thing right. Shoving his tongue down Daya’s throat was about to do you so many favors.

home;run masterlist | talk to me | ao3

you do not have permission to copy or translate my works without my consent.

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animeyanderelover · 10 hours ago

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This will be my first request, I am very happy because I LOVE your writing.

Alas aside, Yandere falls in love with a woman older than them who is very maternal for having a child, when he proposes she rejects him because she feels that they should not waste themselves on a woman who already has a child (You can do with the father whatever you want ).It would be with Atsushi, Akutagawa, Daichi Sawamura, Oikawa and if you want to add any more I don't mind

Sorry for my bad english😘😘

Tw: Yandere themes, possessive behavior, obsession, delusional behavior, clinginess, manipulation, stalking, threats, violence

Tags: @shumidehiro @leveyani

You shouldn’t waste your time on me

Sawamura Daichi

🌅Cries of a small child are what guide him through the crowds on that day, his eyes flickering over the people before they finally land on the boy who is standing there all alone. Upon asking him what happened the child tells him that he got distracted and lost his mother. As not only a police officer but also a decent human being Daichi immediately helps, asks the boy where him and his mother were last together and if he knows where his mother planned to go. If worst comes to worst and he won't be able to find the boy's mother he'll just ask the boy where he lives and will bring hm home to wait together with him until his mom returns. Luckily it never comes that far as Daichi is able to find you after half an hour of searching, the boy instantly leaving his side and running to you with tears in his eyes. He's far too humble in your eyes as he is confronted with your gratefulness, tells you that he only did his job and that anyone would have helped a crying child. Still, you make some small talk with him as you ask for his name and both of you start talking for a while with each other. That's how he finds out that you recently moved to the Miyagi prefecture with your child and live close to his neighbourhood.

🌅The fact that he doesn't live far away from you and that he helped your child are major reasons that aid the two of you in getting so close to each other. Also, your son's dream is it to work for the police later on so he obviously views Daichi as his hero, something that flusters the man deep down a lot more than he shows. He visits you once a week when he has a free day, often bombarded with questions from your son about his job until you softly chide your child for his uncontrolled excitement. You admit to him relatively early that you moved here because your husband died and your parents live nearby as you also need to work and need someone to look after your son. Hearing that your husband died strangely enough makes more sense to him than if someone would have divorced you as only an ignorant fool would have let someone like you go. Daichi is not even going to deny his own feelings, he knows that he's extremely attracted to you. You're kind yet not too coddling, you're responsible and patient, you listen to the worries of others and are always willing to help where you can. Watching you raising your son sometimes reminds him of his high school days, a fond look on his face.

🌅Daichi is able to stay patient in spite of his obsession, especially if the loss of your husband has been very recent. He gives you time, he allows you to grieve and focuses in the meantime on helping you and your child to integrate into the new city. The thing is that he fills that role of a supportive husband and father so nicely that neighbours and even your own parents and son can't help but support the two of you getting together. When you reject him he is a bit disheartened but he takes it really well because he realises that you didn't do so because you do not love him. You reject him because you feel not good enough but that in itself is still quite hurtful. You're such a wonderful person after all. He doesn't mind the little age gap nor does he think of you less because you have a child. In fact he's grown very fond and protective of your son who you have raised wonderfully. Still, it's wiser to not pressure you so he steps back for now. His confidence remains though, knowing that you didn't deny not being able to see him as a partner. He'll just stay in your life as a pillar of support for now and will slowly make you realise that you are everything but a waste to him.

Oikawa Tooru

👑After a difficult divorce you make the decision to completely change your life and decide to try to reach for a dream you had when you were younger but gave up later on, deciding that you might not make it. It's better to try and fail then to never take the step. After many months of interviews, exchange of mails and documents you receive the news though. You did it. You're one of the managers for your favorite volleyball club, Club Athletico San Juan. You're so joyous, almost feel like a school girl all over again as you read the letter over and over again, kicking your feet and grinning like an idiot. Oikawa is still Oikawa even if he is by now an adult, his charming attitude still there as soon as you're introduced to the team as their new manager. His other teammates just watch with half amusement and half pity as Oikawa's charm ultimately never works. Sure, he manages to charm people quickly but he never manages to hold a relationship and they would hate for their setter and new manager to be on bad terms from the very start. You, with the divorce still freshly on your mind though, put your foot firmly down and clarify it to Oikawa very clearly that you have no intention of dating.

👑Obviously Tooru is miffed about your blunt rejection yet another part of him can't help but respect your determination. You know what you want to focus on and he wants to acknowledge that, especially since he is essentially the same. The keyword here is want because who would have thought that his feelings would slip out of his grasp of control so quickly? You know when to put him and his childish antics in his place, chiding him almost as if he were a child and the experience feels only more realistic when he realises that you're a few years older than he is. The fact that you work so closely with him only enables him to be very overbearing as he dreams up all kinds of minor inconveniences so that he has something to complain about to have your attention on himself. Your daughter is a shocker as you have never talked about your private life before and whilst other players gush over your child he gives her a strange look at first, his mind trying to process what it could mean. He pesters you privately about it, his eyes desperate and his body tense. The tension leaves his body at least partially when you admit with a heavy sigh that you had a rough divorce before you started working here.

👑Oikawa doesn't take the rejection very well, his heart dropping even though it doesn't have to do with the fact that you don't see him that way. Still, it is hard to stay logical with a heart as sensitive as his, especially since he is prone to being delusional. He just doesn't understand. What is it that he could have done better?? He has made it more than obvious that he is deeply in love with you. He's showered you in presents, constantly demands your attention and has even made the effort to get closer to your daughter despite initial caution he held. Is that still not enough?? What do you want him to do?? Please tell him what he as to do in order for you to accept. Honestly, your maternal instincts will come quite in handy as you're confronted with Tooru whilst his feelings threaten to burst out of him. Because it helps him to calm down and gives him the reassurance he so desperately craves from you in that moment. Nevertheless though, he ramps up his affection from a 10 to an 11 after that incident. If the problem is simply that you don't feel good enough he will change your mind. You're forgiven this one time. Do not reject him a second time though or else he might just make your job more difficult.

Nakajima Atsushi

🐅The gentle love of a parent is a notion so foreign to Atsushi that the first encounter he has with you leaves him almost on the edge. Your kind words, the patient look in your eyes, the warmth and comfort you provide him with by simply being in the room threatens to burst his heart right at the seams. After cold deprivation for as long as he can remember your presence feels like being drowned in a bathtub filled with hot water. It's overwhelming almost, scorches his skin yet he gladly submerges himself in the heat and the sensations that come with it. He's almost immediately infatuated with you, finds himself yearning for your affection in his dreams as well as in the real world. The age difference is something that weights on his soul though as he realises how experienced you are and how clumsy he seems to be in comparison. There's a lack of knowledge with certain machines or customs that he hasn't been exposed to due to his time in the orphanage but he is always too ashamed to tell you about it. Adamant to not let himself look like a young fool in front of you, Atsushi simply refuses to ask for help or advice from you. He wants to prove to you as well as himself that he can provide for you.

🐅As shameful as it is, there is an undeniable twinge of jealousy directed against your own child. He envies the little boy for being able to cling to you as often as he does as those are all things Atsushi desperately wishes to do as well. He wants to be held, comforted and loved by you too but he could never admit such things as he stares at your son. What would you think of him after all if he were to confess to you that he feels jealous of your own child? It doesn't stop him from clenching his hands into fists every time he witnesses you giving affection to your son, nails turning into claws as he imagines what it would be like if he were to be the one in your child's position. You and your husband have parted ways a few years ago but you still keep in contact due to the child and that just about kills Atsushi. It takes always more willpower than it should to not outright growl at the man whenever he visits. Atsushi can't even fathom how a man could let someone like you go and occasionally he imagines what it would be like to just tear that man apart whenever his jealousy gets the better of him. Chances aren't exactly zero for Atsushi to confront your ex-lover and accidentally kill him during an argument.

🐅The beast within him tries to tame itself as good as it can for you even if results are mixed. With time he grows closer to your child though he struggles to be a parent for the little boy as he more than once acts just as childish and needy. Still, he does his best to show you that he can protect and provide for you and your child all whilst seeking emotional comfort from you. It has taken him a good chunk of courage to finally confess to you only to be met with a direct blow to his heart. The shock of your rejection numbs him for a few seconds before the weight comes crushing down. He hyperventilates, he cries, he bites his bottom lip bloody and his nails threaten to rip through the skin of his palms. That is only because he does misunderstand your rejection as you telling him that you have no interest in him. Once he has come to understand that you didn't reject him for that reason hopefully he manages to calm down at least a bit. That means that he still has a chance, doesn't he? Still, he feels like it's his fault for not having made it clearer to you just how deeply infatuated he is with you. That has to change now. Hopefully some of his seniors can give him useful tips how to woo you.

Akutagawa Ryunosuke

⬛It is through Gin that Akutagawa finds out about you as his beneath the mask quite shy sister has befriended you and finds herself visiting your small shop once a week. Whilst he is anything but an overbearing brother this piece of information still manages to stick to him. It's the first time he has heard that Gin has made friends with someone outside the Mafia and initially he starts directing hostility against you. Akutagawa isn't an individual to trust easily as he distrusts with far more confidence and this is what he finds himself doing against you. Who are you? Are you really just a regular citizen? His sister assures him that you are not some spy nor does she plan to give you any information about the Port Mafia or her real identity but for Akutagawa actions speak louder than words. He finds himself stalking you occasionally, dark eyes trailing after you. A scoff appears on his face the moment he notices the boy following you, realising that you have a child. How naive you must be, keeping a child whilst involving yourself with a mafioso. If you really are just a normal person you must have no motherly senses at all or else you wouldn't hang out casually with Gin.

⬛Akutagawa never had a mother who raised him as he has grown up in a violent environment from a very young ago. None of his mentor figures have ever given him even an ounce of affection which has led him to believe that love is a weakness. A weakness he has fallen victim to. A part of him itches to use Rashomon to tear you and that little brat apart yet he holds himself back. Partially because his emotions are messy and partially for his sister's sake as she cherishes you. It's Gin he turns to as his curiosity grows and it is through her he finds out most information about you. The most pressing issue for him is who the father of your son is and even if Gin tells him that you have parted with the guy long before your child was born that doesn't stop Akutagawa's urges to rip that man apart for his mere existence. Stalking you becomes quite difficult, his possessive side flaring up the moment you talk to another man and give him a smile. It's the horrified gaze of his sister that holds him back but that is no guarantee that it'll work every single time. Only to his sister is he able to admit his conflicting feelings to you and both of them know that it is only a question of time when you will find out.

⬛Still, even if it comes that far Gin wishes for her brother to not terrorise and hurt you even with his obsession. She cares for Akutagawa but you're still her friend and she likes your child as well. She wants him to attempt to confess to you the normal way at least once and if you reject him she kind of knows that there's little she can do. Unable to live with herself if she wouldn't try though Gin introduces her brother to you who finds himself incredibly awkward as he is completely out of his comfort zone, easily irritated and with little patience, especially when your son is around. Big chance that Gin is lurking around in the distance when Akutagawa tries confessing, already looking like he is glaring at you. He honestly only knows what to do in case you reject him because you don't like him which is instantly doing what he can do best. Inflicting fear upon you whilst using Rashomon. He isn't prepared for you rejecting him because you think he shouldn't bother with you and is left so perplexed with that answer that he just stares at you for a good while. Ultimately this only delays the abduction though because it'll still happen. He's promised Gin to not harm your son though.

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sheep-from-rad · 2 days ago

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Wild request: yandere self aware Kyler from dol

Self Aware! Kylar × Reader

Note: I received this request a long time ago. I didn’t know what DOL was so I went to research, played the game (didn’t survive day 1), played again in godmode (with cheats and all stats up), and then read fanfics. Now I’m just invested with the lore. I didn’t expect such a game to have deep ass lore. ALSO I'm a firm believer that Kylar speaks in gacha because he's a massive weeb (the cringe kind).

Warnings: Yandere content (it’s Kylar), stalking, Kylar bad end route

Disclaimer: I’m writing and reading yandere fics to cope with stalking trauma. Yanderes are not to romanticize, or romanticize it, you do you after all (I'm not your moral compass). I don’t own DOL, it belongs to Vrelnir. I only own my fanfics and English is not my first language. Please be understanding. Thank you!

MINORS DNI

Complete Masterlist

This town has always been weird. Be it the monsters that lurk in the woods, the monstrosity of the blood moon, or his parents hidden deep in the mansion. For a long time now, he considers himself a silent watcher. The kid who flies under the radar is only noticed by bullies. The one with an inkling of horrors due witnessed with open eyes laden with indifference. He didn’t care about it until that person came around.

He thinks he knows a lot about the town already but he can’t really figure you out. He sat at the back of the English class watching your every move wondering what could probably be happening. He has to know because he’s your lover. You don’t know it yet but soon you will.

He looked at his notes again. It wasn’t class notes. The day he writes down notes for class will be the day all monstrosity of the town is gone. Kylar rereads the almost unintelligible scrawl. Firstly, he knows your rent is currently at 4,000 but that Armoire cabinet looked really out of place. Your rent also went up and down a couple of times. It went from 4000 one day and then suddenly went down to 100. Your wardrobe is also filled with expensive clothing too which does not make sense because massage jobs, housekeeping, and cafe work don't pay much. Honestly, why do you even work when you can just hide away with him? He’s rich enough and he can provide for you.

Classes passed as usual and his eyes can’t help but just follow you. His body getting up from his seat, getting to the usual spot in the park before going to the usual schedule of watching. You are his, do you know that? Someone had to keep his darling safe and who else can do that but him.

Sometimes he will just follow you at a distance, he always makes sure to be at least a block away so he has a cover in case you see him. But sometimes you just disappear. You disappear without a trace like you just teleported out. Nothing about you makes sense as well. He remembers you being this clumsy little thing the first time he saw you and that was yesterday. Today you’re this formidable person. You’re very athletic, your skills are high up, and you’re immediately the best in Mason’s class. There goes his dream of being your protector…

Days turned to weeks and to months, he would watch you flirt with different men, well until that day came. He finally got you in his basement, tied up in rough ropes. It’s necessary since you don’t understand it yet. He doesn’t want you running away. He thought that you’ll be defiant, that you’ll be kicking and screaming and cursing at his face but to his utmost joy, you’re obedient. So obedient it’s almost suspicious.

You’re eating the food he makes, admiring his knives, listens to his words and he thinks you love the baby names too. Kylar went home today from school, he thinks your relationship had progressed to good terms. However when he’s walking towards the basement to cut the ropes, he blinked and found himself in English class. WHAT IS GOING ON? WAS HE JUST DAYDREAMING? HE HAS YOU ON HIS VERY HAND AND IT’S ALL A DAYDREAM? AND IT WAS SO REALISTIC TOO! It’s like he got hit by a massive universal debuff!

Kylar followed you after school. He’s gonna try it like how his ‘daydream’ happened. He followed you as you walked the lengths of Danube street to get to the orphanage but your words made him stop. “So that’s how Kylar’s one bad end route goes. At least not as bad as the farm route. Should I go for the corrupted Sydney route next?” He watched as you raised your hands to check the stats and checked the cheats, raising Sydney’s corruption stats and lowering his jealousy.

Kylar knew from that moment that you’re not just a rare gacha drop. You’re the UR+ card and he needs to take control of that rarity soon.

#dol #dol pc #dol kylar #kylar the loner #male kylar #dol x reader

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bitletsanddrabbles · 3 days ago

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[Fic] The Glory, the Shame

This is what happens when I try to come up with something to write at 7:00 am on Veteran's Day - you get Thomas and Peter sitting on @alex51324 's Island of the Gays philosophizing.

Not certain I'm going to include this one in the Island Sandbox, since it is now about twelve hours after I started, I am tired, and not at all certain it hits the right notes. But it's a thing and I wrote it, so here. Can be read as pre-relationship or just buddies, as you so feel moved.

Needless to say it is beta free. Also free of guppies, goldfish, loches, koi...okay, I'm going stop now before someone hurls a salmon at my head. On to the story instead.

Thomas sat on the bluff outside of town, a cigarette dangling in his fingers, watching the seagulls. A stiff wind was blowing, making his cheeks sting, but at least it wasn’t raining. Most of the village had decamped to the pub, intent on reducing Tully’s whisky supply to dregs. Thomas had thought about joining them, but his heart wasn’t quite in it.

A crunching noise alerted him to the fact he was about to have company. He looked up, half expecting it to be the herd of cattle they let roam the island south of the village, but it turned out to be Peter Fitzroy.

“Mind if I join you?” the one armed man asked.

“Sure,” Thomas replied. “The ground’s none too soft, though.”

“Probably better that way. Easier to dust off after.” Peter lowered himself to the ground with his usual easy cheer. “I take it the pub was a bit crowded for you?”

“Yeah.” Thomas took a drag off his cigarette. “Don’t get me wrong, I could use a pint or two about now. Maybe three or four, but there wasn’t even standing room in there.”

“I know what you mean.” Peter pulled out his own cigarettes and worked one out of the case. Even though he was perfectly capable of lighting it himself, Thomas lite it for him. Less hassle that way. For a minute the two of them just sat and smoked. Finally Peter said, “I thought it was a lovely service.”

“Yeah,” Thomas agreed. It touched on all of the key points without being soppy or condescending. Father Tim did a good job.” That was one problem with people who hadn’t actually been in the war. They could easily make it sound like they had been, like they knew exactly what the soldiers had been through when it was very clear they didn’t. It tended to lead to lofty proclamations about bravery and sacrifice that stank like the mud of the Somme, or sneering dismissal of the misery that had lead to missing limbs and haunting nightmares. Admittedly, Thomas had as little patience for the nightmares as the next person, but mostly because they interrupted his sleep and he did not like being woken up, thank you very much. He understood, but…well. His nightmares never disturbed anyone except himself.

“What did you think of the suggestion that we build our own war memorial, like villages are doing on the mainland?”

Thomas frowned at that one. “I’m not entirely certain. I wouldn’t fight it, of course. But I don’t know that it would help me any.”

The other man gave him a curious look at that. “Isn’t there anyone who’s gone that you want remembered?”

“Maybe.” Thomas took a slow drag and thought for a second before blowing out a long stream of smoke. There was Lord Flintshire’s valet, and a couple of other servants who had visited Downton frequently, but they’d been friends, not lovers. He didn’t know if anyone here would even know them. “I’m the one who didn’t know anyone in London, remember? Yeah, there were blokes I had it off with now and again, but never more than a couple of times. The people I’d really care about, well. They weren’t our sort. Seems a bit pointless to put them on there.”

“Hm. I suppose.” The other man allowed. “Then again, there are those of us who would want brothers on there, so I don’t know that it would have to be just our sort.”

“I still don’t know if any of my brothers made it through,” Thomas admitted. “I might be the last one standing.” He tried not to look at his gloved hand, but his eyes flickered to it involuntarily as he stretched his fingers.

Thankfully, the other man didn’t seem to notice. “Is there anyone you could write to find out? Or do you not want to?”

Thomas shrugged. “My sister, perhaps, if she’d write back to me. I don’t know that I’d bother, though. They might as well all be dead, as much as we pay attention to each other. Again, I don’t see that there’s anything to be gained by knowing.”

“That’s fair, I suppose.” The two of them lapsed into silence for a bit. Again, it was Peter who broke the silence. “What do you suppose Kit’s doing?”

“He planned on spending the day working on play bills for the theatre’s next production,” Thomas replied. “If he finishes that, he’ll probably read or something like that, I’d imagine. I’ve told him not to feel poorly about it, that he was well out of it, but. Well. No one likes to feel like they didn’t do their bit.”

“If they were clever they would.” Peter frowned, the expression out of place on his normally cheerful face. “I keep trying to tell Davy Hall that no one’s looking down on him for not serving, but you can tell he doesn’t believe it.”

“Davy?” Thomas looked askance at the other man. “You’re joking.” The other man shook his head. Thomas blinked, trying to wrap his head around it. “The man had rheumatic fever as a boy. The doctors expect him to drop dead of a hear attack or have his kidneys give out any day now, and he’s bemoaning the fact that he failed his physical and they wouldn’t let him go get shot at because his health might give out before the Germans got him?”

Peter gave a rueful sort of smile and a one sided shrug. “Apparently his brothers both died, so he really is the last one standing. And he’s here, so it’s not as if the line is going to continue. I think he feels as if, had he gone, one of his brothers might have survived.”

Thomas was aware of that sort of thinking, but he couldn’t imagine feeling that way about anything. He shook his head. “I’m sorry, even if I was expected to die young, I can not imagine feeling that suicidal.”

The comment earned him a sideways look that couldn’t decide whether to be fond or exasperated. “No, I can’t imagine you could. You’re too determined to live.”

His cigarette half way to his lips, Thomas froze. He slowly turned to look at the other man, gauging whether that comment had meant what he thought it did. When Peter lifted his eyebrows and shot a look at Thomas’s glove, that was a pretty clear answer. “Figured it out, have you?” Thomas replied, smiling tightly, trying to make a joke of it. He supposed if the other man was going to get him kicked off of the island, he’d have done it by now, and he didn’t seem like the sort for blackmail.

“Yeah.” Peter turned and crushed out his cigarette. “Several of us have. Me, Tully, Jessop, Rouse.”

“Dr R knows?” Thomas cringed. Oh, that couldn’t be good.

“He does.” The other man gave him a wan smile. “He doesn’t blame you, though. None of us do. If you get right down to it, you were the clever one, getting out of there rather than waiting for the Huns to drop a shell on your head.” He nodded to the glove and added, “Not to mention you could easily have died of infection. Difficult to call someone a coward when they’re doing something they know full well could kill them.”

“I wasn’t really thinking about that at the time,” Thomas admitted. It probably wasn’t the wisest thing he could do, but if Peter didn’t think poorly of him already, he doubted the truth would change that too much. “I just, I’d had it. I’d signed up to help save them that could be saved, not to die for a country that would just as soon kill me themselves. Or lock me away for two years and then let someone beat me to death when I got out, which is close enough.” He crushed out his own cigarette, then, after a moment’s thought, went to get another.

Peter shrugged. “You’re not wrong. And I still don’t blame you.” His eyebrows knit together and he asked, curiously, “Although, if I might ask, how did you manage it? It’s a difficult shot to manage yourself.”

“I didn’t manage it myself.” Thomas tucked his lighter away and blew smoke into the air. He would never understand how some people managed not to smoke. What did they do for their nerves? “I took myself out to a nice, quiet corner of the trench, lit m’self a cigarette, and then held my hand up over the wall. A German sniper took care of the rest for me.”

Oddly, that garnered a smile from the other man. “Well, that was nice of him. Did you send him a thank you note?”

“No,” Thomas scoffed, shaking his head. “I wasn’t exactly in any condition for it. Too much morphine. Who knows? By the time I was thinking clearly again, he was probably dead anyway.”

“Probably.”

They were quiet again, for a stretch. This time Thomas broke it. “How long have you known?”

“Several months now. We put it together about the time Gordon ran off.”

“Blimey.” Thomas blinked at that. “And it took this long for any of you to say something?”

Peter shrugged. “It didn’t seem important, really. After all, who decided it was cowardice? And who decided that cowardice was something to die over? A bunch of men who never left England, except on holiday? The men who wished they had the guts to do something like that?” He looked down at his own shoulder. “I may not have invited a German sniper to have a shot at me, but I wasn’t exactly crying when they told me I couldn’t carry a stretcher anymore.”

“I should think not.”

“We did our bit. Then we went home. It’s what we said we’d do.”

“Too right.”

“We’re just lucky we made it.” Peter gave a salute to the clouds. “To the Glorious Dead.”

“And the Inglorious Living,” Thomas added, giving his own salute.

The other man leaned in, resting the stump of his shoulder against Thomas’s. “Glorious or not, I’m just as glad to have you hear instead of lying under poppies in France.”

“Thanks.” Thomas smiled and looped an arm around the other mans’ back to help them both stabilise. “I could say the same.”

#downton abbey #thomas barrow #downton abbey fanfiction #writing #fanfiction #island of the gays #peter fitzroy #veteran's day #wwi

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thenexusofsouls · 3 days ago

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"Yeah, it would be wild... in all the wrong ways," Wade said. "Better that, though, I guess, than... than losin' your kid entirely..." And just like that, he had kindof a moment with himself. His head shook a little as he tried to get rid of the thought. What would his and Rose's kid been like? Would she even have let him be a part of its life? If Crenshaw had lived, would Rose have wanted to raise the kid with him instead? He'd never know... 'cause Crenshaw, Rose, and the baby were all dead because of his catastrophic failure as a leader and a friend. Wade cleared his throat awkwardly. "Anyway..." he whispered.

"I'm definitely not the ideal candidate for 'dad,' that's for sure. I guess it couldn't hurt to try at some point, but... not with my life the way it is now. I don't wanna be the reason my kid grows up angry at the world because he had a shitty childhood, you know? It's a big deal, bein' a parent. If I don't think I can do it right, then I'm not gonna do it," Wade said firmly. That it was important to him was plain to see.

Wade felt so badly for Rockland. Clearly, he was a great kid. Good head on his shoulders. Some issues, but all good kids had a sprinkling of those. To hear him say he kept messing up all the time made Wade sad, because that wasn't coming from him, it was coming from someone who kept telling him that. "Sounds like a problem with whoever's sayin' that, not you. So what if you keep messin' up? Mistakes are important in life, man. That's how people learn things. That's how we find out what not to do, and how not to conduct ourselves. Every kid makes mistakes and screws things up, they're still learnin' shit. If someone keeps harpin' on that like it's somehow unacceptable or somethin' out of the ordinary, sounds like their hang up, not yours."

He knew well, though, how powerless kids were sometimes to help themselves. They only had so much agency and then it was up to the parents, the guardians, the relatives, etc. to be the teachers and protectors. If those people dropped the ball or were abusive, kids couldn't do much about that most often. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'd say you could come stay with me, but I think that's call child abduction in most states," he said by way of a little levity, since the boy looked so downtrodden. "But hey... I'm probably gonna stick around in this city for a while. If you ever need help, you need a place to stay overnight, you need a little cash to get by... you can always ask me, okay? It won't fix everything, I know, but maybe it'll take the edge off to know you've got a safety net, right?"

Wade let Rockland look at the photo as long as he wanted before putting it back into his wallet. "Yeah, they were. They were really good people who didn't deserve to die like that," Wade said stoically. "That photo was as painful as it was somethings he could never part with.

He tried his best to answer the boy's question without getting too dark again. "Yeah, I had the most experience out of all of 'em. We uh... Sometimes when you go after bail jumpers, things get ugly. They run, they fight back, sometimes there's guns or knives or explosives involved, so we had our own weapons and tactical gear and all that. We functioned like a military unit, and I was like their officer. Ronnie and me, we were actually retired military, so we had more formal training, and we helped make sure everybody else knew how to use all the weapons and equipment, everybody understood the laws and what we were allowed to do, all that stuff. I researched the jobs, I made the plans, and out in the field, I gave the orders, and everybody had their part. Sometimes time and safety were an issue, so we had to be a well-oiled machine, you know? And we were, I thought. 'Til I went and fucked it all up. They did what I said, no questions asked. I demanded it of 'em. I ran a tight ship. And I got 'em all killed."

"Opera? Get the hell outta here, what're you talkin' about, opera..." Wade said, laughing more. "Do I look like I'd belt out an aria to you? Nah, man, I'm all about rock. Classic rock, that's where it's at. What about you, what kinda music're you into?"

When Rockland whipped out his own family photograph, Wade nodded. "Nice. Is that you in there?" he asked, pointing to the woman's belly. "That's nice that you carry that with you like that. It's important to remember loved ones. It keeps us grounded, right? It's not good to go around with your head stuck in the clouds." He'd meant that as a real sentiment, but then, feeling things were getting a bit heavy, he tried to lighten the mood once more. "Foggy clouds in your face... gettin' rained on... every now and then a migratin' goose flies at your head, you get hit upside the head with goose ass, it's just not good to keep your head up there."

Well that caught their attention alright. A middle finger had shot into the air, directed at a group of teens across the street who were hovering by a Duncan Donuts long closed for the night. The boy beneath the hoodie, propelling said finger, sneered. Just like that, the group of five moved towards him, the tallest, Shacks, sauntering forward with an irritating air of confidence. And to think, there'd been a time when Rockland had thought he was cool.

"You can't seriously blame us, Rocky." He looked to the others with cruel amusement, "It was a prank, get a sense of hum-" Too busy searching for the favour of his crew, he'd missed the draw of the younger teen's fist before it met his cheek.

"Prank my ass, I could've been arres-oof." Rockland was tackled by Archie, the smallest of the bunch, who was about a head shorter than he was, but kinda stalky for his age, and with the element of surprise on his side. Cane clattering out of hand, and across the sidewalk, the lanky teen scraped across the pavement, electric pain radiating up from his tailbone. He caught the breath that had been knocked out of him just in time to catch the thump of a fist to the nose in return. - For Wade

Wade didn't know what to make of this city yet. He'd only been here a couple days and was still trying to get his bearings. It wasn't a bad city, he thought, just cold. Just... really cold when you're alone, like all cities are. Nevertheless, Wade did some hunting and stocked up on other supplies, always wanting to stay on the move. That's how he got jobs, and that's how he kept sane.

Tonight had been quiet enough so far... that is until he heard sounds of a fight. But a fight... between kids? Was he hearing this right? Wade made his way toward the sounds, and sure enough, some kids whose parents were absent and whose bedtimes must be fast-approaching were going at it. Or rather, several kids were beating up on one unfortunate one.

"Hey! Come on, cut it out, what the hell're you guys doin'?!" Wade yelled, hoping to scatter the bullies. "You know better than this, get off him! Don't make me call the cops!" he said, watching as they all scattered... save for one. Wade knelt down beside the boy lying on the ground. "Hey, buddy, you okay?" he asked gently.

#rocklandjbrin #muse: wade

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jettison-my-gift · 13 hours ago

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#super freaking out cos my friend who is a vet has offered me a job at her practice as a care assistant #so my job would just be to do all the little jobs. help looking after the animals. cleaning. sometimes calling patients etc #it's a fantastic opportunity but it looks so much more difficult then anything i've ever done before #and on the one hand i'm like ''yes! i love animals! i need a steady income! this is perfect!''#but on the other... i haven't been at my current job that long. so it feels like a dick move to up and leave.#i don't know if i'd be able to cope with the animals dying all the time. some of the stuff i'd have to do looks really technical #and i'm scared i'll do it wrong (eg put the wrong label on the wrong medicine) and it'll lead to an animal dying #like it's a proper full time monday-friday 9-5 kinda gig #which is great cos my current job is a ''are we gonna give you more than 2 days next week?? who knows! it's a supprise!!''#and that situation is stressing me out. so i do need something different #but this is like a proper serious job. and idk that's scary #plus my friend would be my boss. which i don't mind. but i dont want her to vouch for me and then i'm terrible at it...#cos that's not fair on her #they've offered me a trial shift next week. so i guess i could do that and just scope it out..#it also feels like nepotism which doesn't super sit right #but it's not a sure thing. the other vets and practice owners have to agree and they may not like me. it's not like i have experience #and it's only a low paid position so if its nepotism its not like... super beneficial nepotism...#sigh. i know i should go for it. just last time i went for a big different job like this it ended badly #and i ended up back in retail.#so i don't wanna go thru that all again #but i also dont wanna stay working in this shop forever. it wouldn't be too bad if only i had regular hours. .#and i knew what those hours were more than a week in advance #i know this is like.. a non-problem. i'm just stressing about it #plus its making me feel guilty whenever i go into my current job. like i'm cheating on them #i do need that regular income tho #screams in anxiety

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rubberbandballqueen · 2 months ago

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the world is very beautiful actually <-- guy who just discovered the joys of modern fansubbing

#i've been complaining a lot abt the typesetting in modern fansubs these last few years #like basically ever since crunchyroll became a viable site to do majority of one's anime consumption bc of all their licenses #bc when using pirate sites they just rip cr's subs and then typeset it badly SOMEHOW. and also w/slightly desync'd timing SOMEHOW #tho i think the slightly desync'd timing is bc that's generally how it is on cr back when i was leeching off potat's subscription #and then sometimes the pirate sites would have very beautifully done hard subs somehow n after a while i started to wonder #just which groups were doing the pretty high-effort typeset subtitle jobs so that i could be pickier abt my sources n stuff #but unlike scanlation groups which will put in the group credits w/their chapters that's not a thing w/fansubs #so it was just like 'MAN!!!!!!' but now that aniwave is like. gone forever i guess I Have Learned To Torrent #(with the help of my beautiful vpn ofc) bc I Give Up on trying to find sites to watch things online #and there's this one guy who keeps a repo of his python scripts he uses in fansubbing AND INCLUDES THE FONTS HE USES IN THEM #I LEARNED THAT .MKV FILES CAN ALSO STORE THE FONTS FOR THEIR SUBTITLES TODAY. THIS IS SO LIFE-CHANGING FOR ME SPECIFICALLY #so obviously i've been going a little ham there bc im love fonts <3 #and also looking at one of his things i'm like. VERY impressed by its quality it's so very nice. love this #the worm speaks

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guiltycorp · 2 days ago

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Great additions, thank you. That is the core of my issues with the route probably, the predetermination... And instead of subverting or playing with it the game just goes 'yep so anything you do is in line with what you must do, you will succeed in fulfilling your destiny either way, good job man' like alright. Does he really care about anything except for his mission? Unclear.

What DO you hold dear my dude... The only thing I disagree with is that the Haruspex feels obliged to hold an inferior position in comparison to the Bachelor - I don't think he does? They definitely have a transactional relationship and the Haruspex keeps responding to the Bachelor's letters by turning up - but only while they have a common goal in creating the panacea (this is why I especially liked an early side quest where Grief is menacing Notkin's bunch and asks Artemy to bring him the Bachelor... and the latter acquiesces for the sake of the children, not to gain something from it... just felt nice, wish we had more of that). Then Daniil has to be like 'maybe the tower is your udurgh!' to keep Artemy coming back to help him out in a mutual exchange bc by then Artemy started going to Aglaya and Oyun instead... Yeah still looking for other people to tell him what to do, but in a vaguely exploitative way. It's difficult to tell who was the first one between them to assume that each favor needed to be beneficial to them both or returned in another way but I suppose it fits the nature of the Town, always trading things back and forth. ...I did love that the Bachelor gets really mad if you don't tell him about your Abattoir adventures at one point pff.

'Whatever,' As for the address, Daniil is a doctor and a bachelor, so that's what Artemy keeps calling him, only alternating the language he's doing it in. Some manner of oynon, oynon Dankovsky, the Bachelor. There are npcs who address Artemy himself as 'oynon' so it applies to them both (although I could swear there was a dialogue where he was explaining that he doesn't count as one before taking on his father's inheritance fully and yet I couldn't find it so hm maybe mixed it up with smth else.. either way he def became one after inheriting yep). Also, there was this line of dialogue towards officer Longin (in Russian it's about the tu-vous difference but either way it reads as a refusal to submit to non-Kin social structure, same way he bristles against Olgimskys' attempts to bring him to heel).

So I feel like not switching to first-name basis is more about his colder personality? It's not that he distrusts Daniil, one of the first things he says about him is that he could immediately tell that the Bachelor is an extremely honest kind of person, but hmm... His friendship with Rubin seems much better off even despite their initial misunderstanding and he switches to calling the Inquisitor by her first name almost immediately, so my interpretation is just that he always operated under the assumption that Daniil's goals would diverge from his own sooner or later (again that predetermination streak), and that was already enough for him to stay on guard despite the supposed 'friendship'. A lot of his later game dialogue options after knowing where the Bachelor stands are straight up mean, not very friendly or submissive if you ask me.

He talks with the same derisive forwardness in the Bachelor's route when it comes to Aglaya, somehow he just doesn't seem to relate to him at all (even though I think he should have, what with Oyun jerking him around in similar enough ways). So if anything it is the Bachelor in Haruspex route who is doing his best to ingratiate himself at least a little, just like Capella said... @the-invisible-foe but mentioning the Bachelor in unrelated journal notes is interesting, I didn't even pay attention to that but yeah, that's something at least!

how to get into your man's head by sending him letters daily 101 ...eh honestly there are also so many moments when one of them starts getting upset about being perceived as dumb by the other too now that I think about it... it def feels like a case of fragile male ego for the haruspex for sure at least, just kinda a need to prove himself to this educated capital man while also establishing that his way is fundamentally 'better'... trying to impress each other and then getting mad about it, idk yeah there's something there maybe, and p2 also explored that sort of thing...

Okay finished the Haruspex route of Pathologic Classic! I need to play Clara's route to see the whole picture but I'm already fascinated by the differences between P1 and P2 in terms of characterization. I think I like Pathologic 2 even more now considering how they improved on Artemy's route, I am sorry to say I didn't like it at all in classic... This is all just my personal impression after first playthrough ofc. Ramblings about both Artemy and Daniil ↓ I think what bothered me about Haruspex was mostly just his attitude and his messiah plot. Once the first day is out of the way it's all smooth sailing for him, a bit too much so?? The only personal conflict he has is figuring out his father's exact wishes for him and choosing a sacrifice. Killing anyone is treated as fair or something that needed to happen and the Haruspex is always shrugging it off... And either option, Aglaya & the Town or Polyhedron... It just doesn't seem like he is that attached to either? So it doesn't feel like he is sacrificing much personally? Like sure he wants to save the Town because of his messianic qualities, but that's again more about fulfilling his 'role' rather than genuinely wanting to save lives, or at least it read that way to me. I'm sure it's meant to be both and P2 makes this far more apparent, but in P1 it elicited a rather squinty reaction from me. Plus well yeah, getting rid of Polyhedron is pretty much just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, like yep he sure didn't care about that thing lmao so getting rid of it isn't such a difficult choice at all. The suggestion that the Polyhedron could be his Udurgh is kind of useless because the Town and Earth are far better candidates and fit with Kin beliefs better, which in this game Artemy pretty much doesn't doubt at all. Maybe this is why the Bachelor is so present in his route? Daniil did say he'd commit suicide if he lost, maybe we'd want to think twice about pushing him towards it... But again! Does it seem like this guy cares ahhh haha... The dialogue option that is actually engaging with what Daniil said is pretty much there to make it clear to the player what the Utopian ending is and what it would be like.

Ngl at first I thought he was meant to be the 'sacrifice' until they said it's a woman. Every time Artemy learned something about the Bachelor's motivations he'd write down in his diary like '...if it matters' since the player can always choose what ending to go with I guess. I also find it curious that he can say that they are friends but still always writing only 'the Bachelor' in his diaries while Daniil switched to 'Artemy' and 'Burakh' during the final stretch. The one-sided yaoi................ 🤔 At least Artemy doesn't get mad at him for ordering to set the mythic bull on fire, I guess their friendship did mean something to him after all at that point. Also when Capella tells him that he should ask the Bachelor for help with getting into the Polyhedron since the Bachelor 'fawns upon you a lot anyway' the Haruspex just goes 'oh yeah! ok' fjdghdjg... Now that I think about it I DID like the Haruspex route for what it did with the Bachelor hahah, his dialogues and letters are just so good sometimes. Like wow, I felt this.

Very cool, if i was Artemy I'd totally abandon my weird murderous calling for this. Tangentially related... P2 had one moment that I remember from my last replay when Rubin, if kept alive, falls into a deep deserved sleep in his home, and Artemy just starts emotionally monologuing at him.

Like, P1 Artemy would never, but also it goes to show that he's still very much a repressed man here too, buying into toxic masculinity ideals who can't just talk to his friends about his feelings directly... The same character, but more complex. I want to make it clear that I DO like him and his motivations in P2 actually, and his personal conflict being more about the future of the Kin makes that game much more powerful to me than what his classic route was. I heard that initially he was planned to be far more violent and dark, so maybe he could have been sort of a villain protagonist and this was changed later and this is why it feels a bit bland? Hmm... Idk this is fun to me because meanwhile the Bachelor didn't feel that different to me in both games lmao. A highly stressed educated guy who is just trying to prevent the spread of epidemic the 'right' way and then clinging to the only chance he has left to preserve both his ideals and his life. He is a bit less polite in P2 at first (while still very much helping by warding off Rubin) but then rather quickly becomes more cordial to Artemy and vice versa (and wow it sure is nice when Artemy can actually be polite and friendly..). And the moment when he explains some of his personal deal to Artemy feels rather similar in both iterations mood-wise.

I liked his route in P1 a lot, surprisingly so, and I now understand why so many people liked him before P2 came out and afterwards too... There's just something very real about how he is the intelligent Capital doctor but with an extraordinary dream to combat death itself, possibly given to him by the Powers That Be due to these children trying to cope with people dying around them. And instead of favoring him for it they hate him! They leave him with nothing but this final chance to fix things, even if that means destroying everything and rebuilding anew. Daniil's desperation feels very real and thus more compelling, plus like... I mean it's pretty much confirmed that it's not just the Polyhedron and that the soil itself is 'rotten' (literally in the meta real world and through blood beneath the earth in the Town itself) and the decease could return again, sooo his ending doesn't look that bad comparatively. I also appreciated how Maria (or uhh was it Nina talking through her here as well?) explained how their Utopia doesn't actually mean a 'perfect' place, more so just an impossible dream.

The Bachelor doesn't mind this at all, a detail I loved.

...Hmm that said maybe P1 makes it a little too easy for him to kinda ignore the Kin issue, he is only mad about their circumstances when it comes to Vlad choosing to doom thousands of the Kin workers inside the Termitary (which is just his doctor ethics). I mean it is realistic for him to ignore the implications of representing the imperialist side, he does mention his father was a military man too at some point I think... Still, he is very quick to accept the Kin's unique beliefs as something that has obvious merit, trusting the Haruspex with that side of things in both of their routes, and he doesn't make much of a distinction between them and regular Town people when it comes to patient treatment. If anything it's probably a sign of how the writers weren't thinking that hard about this worldbuilding aspect at the time... even if I appreciated them showing the downsides of the Kin's society, I think those were done better than in P2 purely because it was a bit more realistic (I am talking about sexism mostly, such as selling their own daughters and not respecting their autonomy, plus the mention of Kin politics and different ruling clans rather than the hive mind situation implied in P2). Like, it is more obvious in P1 that wholeheartedly embracing the Kin's return to tradition isn't such a good solution for them either, but one that will likely happen anyway with Artemy and Taya as their new leaders. And it could get trickier in Pathologic 3 I think, especially since most of us really appreciated the portrayal of colonization in P2 and would expect it getting addressed again in future games of other character routes, but we'll see I guess! Either way I look forward to that game a lot now.

#pathologic #artemy burakh #daniil dankovsky #sorry for such a long addition these characters just make me think a lot of thoughts i guess #especially since p2 was my first game so it is fascinating to see the roots and how the narrative developed over the years #almost the same team and the same creative lead in charge but at least in p2 his power fantasy guy is like #written more as an actual fictional character #which i appreciate...#altho the projection is still there ofc #text #long post

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inbabylontheywept · 25 days ago

Text

The Motherfucking Lizard King

No one at work trusts my boss.

He's smart. He works hard. He's not trustworthy. He hasn't actually fucked anyone at work over, but he's ruined his last two marriages with affairs, and got dumped by his third fiance when he wouldn't sign a prenup. The fact that we all know this is just a hazard of working in a small town.

Anyway: The thought process of the people in the lab is that if he screwed over his first wife, and his second wife, and was probably planning on screwing over his third wife, it would be insane for him not to screw us over. After all, what kind of idiot treats their employees better than their spouse?

I dunno. His kind, I guess? He's had a few chances to fuck us over, and he hasn't taken them. Opposite really. When our parent company was doing furloughs, he stayed in the office almost a hundred hours, talking and talking and talking his way up the corporate ladder. And in the end, no one at our site got furloughed.

He's pulled strings like that before. And it baffles me, right? Because it really does make zero sense. He'll move the heavens and the earth for us, but his wife and kids are afterthoughts. It feels like any moment, he's going to look into the mirror and realize how stupid that is. It feels like I'm betting on him making the same stupid mistake again, and again, and again - like it would be less cynical to believe he was, eventually, going to stab me in the back. But he hasn't yet, and as far as I can tell he's been making that mistake for close to fifteen years, and it's already cost him everything it can. If he was going to learn, he would have by now.

So my position on him is that if he wanted to date someone I cared about, I'd warn them off. I don't trust him there. But I tentatively trust him to be my boss. Maybe one day he'll stick the knife in and twist, and everyone will say Ah, Babs, we warned you, but for now, I accept that he's doing a very predictable, very irrational thing, and I've made my peace with it.

---

My job has glue traps.

No one likes the glue traps, but we don't have a lot of options. Poison's banned by state law, spring traps are banned by company safety, and several non-lethal options tried in the past failed to work. The mouse problem can get pretty bad if it's ignored, and there's some real health hazards in that. Our site has never had a positive hantavirus test, thank God, but the big base about a half hour away has. That guy's gonna be on oxygen the rest of his life.

If a mouse gets caught, we just euthanize it. But more than mice get stuck. Lizards can wander into those traps too, and the people working there have different feelings about the lizards. They don't pose nearly the same kind of risk mice do. They're chill little guys, and they keep the moths away, and they're just

You know. They're friendly. There's something to be said about walking into a room, and hitting the light switch, and seeing two little guys on the wall start to do pushups as soon as they see you.

People used to just euthanize the lizards too, but I had pet leopard geckos as a kid and I couldn't take that so I wound up googling how to free animals from glue traps. Now, when a lizard gets stuck in a trap - which happens once or twice a week - I get some vegetable oil from the breakroom, and a little plastic fork, and I'll spend fifteen to twenty minutes just kind of gently prying the little guys out.

I have a team of technicians that help me operate one of the larger machines. They're real blue collar guys, ex-airforce, and they make me look like a little kid. Being an engineer means they'll look to me as a leader sometimes, which is a wild experience. And I started helping the lizards for my own conscience, but one of the crazier consequences of it has been that it seriously boosted my leadership cred. Because those guys see me, and they go: Hey. If he's willing to fight for a lizard, he's gotta be willing to fight for me.

I cannot overstate how nice that is. Most engineers that want to make a change to a maintenance practice, or try an upgrade, they have to work their asses off to get the techs to buy in. But I can just ask. They already trust me to do good. They know I'm new, and they know I'm not the smartest engineer in the building, but they also know I'm the one who gets lizards out of the glue traps.

And just because of that, they're willing to follow me.

---

My boss has a meeting every month or two. It's typically basic house cleaning stuff - reminders about routines we've gotten lazy on, and updates on future projects. Maybe some warnings about problems coming from higher up in the company.

People are, in my opinion, a bit too cynical about the meetings. It stems from people not trusting our boss, which again, I understand, because it would make so much more sense if he wasn't trustworthy. It's a testament to the man's incredibly unhealthy priorities that he is. But as we made it to the end of the meeting, one of bullet points was:

Do NOT mess with animals in the building.

So I looked at my techs, and they looked at me, and when he got to the point, he was so scathing I actually just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. He said basically that he'd heard some reports about someone in the building handling animals that found their way in and got stuck, and that he just wanted to emphasize how insanely inappropriate that was, not to mention dangerous, and that if he needed to speak to anyone about it again, there would be severe consequences.

I was willing to just take the shame and move on. I was. But one of my techs is old. Old enough he could've retired two years ago. And his actual literal goal is to one day get angry, yell at someone, and storm out. That's how he wants to retire. So instead of biting his tongue like everyone else, he stood up and said: I hate the glue traps. You hate the glue traps. We all hate glue traps. But we've all sat here for years, ignoring the little things that get stuck in them, watching them die, and then Bab's comes in, and he is the first person in decades to give enough of a shit to start pulling the lizards out. And I don't want him to stop.

Get humane traps or shut up but we are not going back to the old way of just letting things starve.

And my boss actually froze up. He got all wide eyed and stared at Marc, and then the other techs jumped in, and there was a very small but intense rebellion in the meeting and my boss kept trying to interrupt while getting absolutely bowled over by this gang of angry middle aged air force vets, and eventually he just went

I will speak with Babylon about this afterwards! After! And then he will speak with everyone else, but I have more points to cover.

So they went silent, and my boss rushed through the last five minutes, and we all adjounred. The techs really didn't like that I was going in alone - they thought our boss was going to try and shout me into compliance. Marc in particular was like, Look, if he tries bullying you, stand your ground, and if he threatens anything, just come get us, and we'll give him hell.

So armed with that, I went to my boss's office. I sat in the chair across from him, and he kept his composure for maybe five seconds before just flopping back into his chair.

I had no idea you were saving lizards, he said, but I'm glad you are. I always hated seeing them die in the glue.

I wasn't expecting that. I was about to ask him what the comment from the meeting was about then, but he answered that before I even got the chance.

A snake got into the building last week, and - someone picked it up and chased a coworker around. Turns out that coworker was severely afraid of snakes, and now it's a shitshow. We're a small site, and now I can't ask those two to work together anymore, to say nothing about how the snake fared after all that. Being upset about that is a reasonable thing, right?

And he gave me a look like he actually wanted an answer, so I said Yeah, totally, chasing a coworker around with a snake is a dick move. Especially if that coworker is already afraid of snakes.

And he said Exactly! and then we sat there a few moments longer. He looked so incredibly tired that I did, actually, feel kind of bad for him. And then he somehow managed to sink even further into his chair, and said

Look, I know I'm not a good guy. But I'm not evil. I'm not some sort of crazy asshole that's going to demand that everyone watch lizards starve to death. When you go back downstairs, could you try to pass that on? That I'm not evil?

I said Sure because it wasn't a hard request, and he looked relieved. I actually made it halfway out before I realized I had a question.

Who grabbed the snake? I asked.

Not supposed to talk about it, he said. But whoever comes to mind first is probably right.

ThatGuy? I asked. And he looked me in the face, nodded his head yes, and said No.

---

The techs seemed a little disappointed that they didn't get to storm the boss's office, but were otherwise in good spirits. They were actually a little bit embarrassed to hear about the snake story - apparently, it wasn't much of a secret. It'd just slipped their minds because it happened three weeks ago.

We did maintenance after that, the same basic repairs we did every week. The meeting had been stressful and it was a relief to work with my hands. When the parts were reinstalled, everything cleaned and smooth and ready to go, Marc found me again.

You know what the lesson of today is? he asked. And there were quite a few answers to that that I could have taken - from don't assume the worst of people to be careful with how you spend your trust - we all need it more than we think.

But instead I said what? because I wanted to hear what his answer was going to be.

That I got your back, he said. Then he clapped one very, very large hand on my shoulder, gave it a good squeeze, and walked back to dosimetry lab.

---

The next day, Marc gave me a package and told me to open it in my office. I was suspicious, but I followed the request.

Cardboard gave way to a small baggie, obviously full of fabric, which opened to reveal a t-shirt that read

"I Am the Motherfucking Lizard King."

I looked at it, I loved it, and then I got an idea. I went to my boss's office and knocked on the door. When he opened it, I asked him if he would be willing to allow something very unprofessional to happen for morale building purposes.

How unprofessional? he asked. I held the shirt up in answer. He gave the shirt a short look over and snorted.

You can wear it on weeks without customers, he said. Which just so happened to include that week.

I'll pass on that it came with your blessing, I replied, and he looked oddly relieved.

Thanks, he said. And then I went downstairs.

---

The techs were very, very happy to see the shirt. And while my boss's reputation remains in tatters, and probably will be until he moves (or dies), the next time there was a meeting, there was quite a bit less complaining about how mere presence. Which is, I guess, a start.

We'll see if he squanders it.

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