#that also goes for Steph and Duke

[beeisnotdead]

Originally, this was going to be a repost for this poll.

But my ‘little head cannon’ kinda spiraled out of my control while writing this, so you get to read all this now. Enjoy.

Cassandra Cain: Keeper of blankets

Cass has a lot of blankets. She’s been slowly accumulating them for years. It started with how whenever she got cold, she used one of the discarded blankets she would find around the manor. When she was done using it, she would put it in her room because that’s where she usually ended up by the time she no longer needed it. So a blanket horde starts slowly growing in her room. When the other bat family members needed blankets, they started going to Cass. If it’s their blanket she had accidentally stolen she would return it to them. However overtime, regardless of whether or not the blanket were returned to their original owners, they would always end up back in her room. It had gotten to the point where now her family just goes to her when they need a blanket instead of looking for them, and sometimes even returning them to her room afterwards.

She has different collections for each of the bat family members now. Each stash consists of blankets she decides are the perfect fit for them (weather it be the color, texture or whatever else) blankets that remind her of them. So when batfam members go to her for a blanket, she stops giving them a random blanket and starts giving them a blanket from their respective collections.

She also sorts the blankets for when she needs to comfort a family member.

Damian had a nightmare? He goes to Cass claiming that he’s cold. She knows though. So she give him a specially picked blanket, from either his stash or dick’s depending on what she thinks might help best.

Tim hasn’t slept in a while? She gives him the red weighted blanket that Jason had bought but left it in the manor and never came back for it.

Dick worried about his siblings when they are out on a mission somewhere? Depending on which bat he’s worried about, Cass would give him a blanket from that person’s stash.

Jason is injured and is forced to stay at the manor? Cass brings him the fluffy red blanket that Alfred bought him for Christmas the previous year to make remind him that the reason he’s here is because people care about him.

Steph having a bad week? Purple granny square knitted blanket that Cass got Steph for her birthday 2 years ago.

Duke stressing out about his place in the manor? Cass has a blanket for that. The yellow milky dot blanket that Bruce had gotten him for his first Christmas.

If any of the bat family’s friends are over, when they get cold, they are told to go to Cass. She then give them a blanket she thinks suites them from their friend’s collection.

You would think by now she would run out of blankets to collect, but she lives with Bruce Wayne. Billionaire and master of being oblivious to the weirdest of things. All the blankets in the house start disappearing? They obviously have been misplaced. no matter, he’ll just buy more. If they had been stolen, then the alarms would have been tripped off, plus he still sees the recognizable blankets being used by his kids every now and then. But the replacement blankets go missing too. So he asks Alfred, and Alfred tells him about Cassandra’s stash. Now, Bruce can’t just take the blankets back, because what if Cass thinks he’s mad at her for it? So he just buys more blankets. This time just one or two for himself. But of course they get left unattended, so Cass picks them up and adds them to her collection.

By now it had become a habit for Cass, she sees an unattended blanket so she takes it to add to her collection. Bruce never asks for any of his blankets back, but Cass finds ways to give them to him to use anyway. Because they’re his and she wants to have them keep being his, because she wants to have them remind her of Bruce.

Because when Cass is lonely she uses the blankets.

When she needs comfort she wraps herself the others’ blankets, to remind herself that she has a family now.

One that she cares for.

And one that care for her.

[were-wolverine]

what happens when you piss the Bats off:

bruce: psychological warfare

dick: psychological warfare

jason: psychological and physical warfare

tim: psychological warfare

damian: psychological w-

[thatsnotahoodjason]

bruce's kids deciding to hide around the house and the first one bruce finds has to go with him to the next gala..

but bruce not finding any of them and none of them are replying on comms or their phones and he thinks they've been kidnapped. he goes to get help from the justice league and starts an investigation.

a couple hours later, alfred finds jason sitting in the freezer reading macbeth and eating ice cream with a huge coat on

[hypewinter]

I'm sorry did someone ask for Cass?

Dick Jason Tim Damian

Lighthearted

Danny wants to enjoy his reincarnation but quickly discovers his new life isn't picture perfect. His parents are apparently trained killers and are attempting to turn him and his sister into the same. He's having none of that so he convinces Cass to run away with him. They end up in Gotham where they are discovered by Barbara before eventually going to live with Bruce. The Cain siblings are incredibly close. They are very protective of each other and seem to almost have a secret language only the two of them can understand. But most importantly, whenever they're in the field together, they're in perfect sync. It is very terrifying for anyone who witnesses it. Including the bats.

Angsty

The Cain siblings have been pitted against each other since they were little. Danny resented Cass, especially because she was nothing like Jazz (the brainwashing really set in with this one). Eventually his father sent him to train elsewhere. During his training, Danny heard that his sister had run away. Good riddance. Maybe now he'd be able to prove to his father how superior he was. It wasn't until a few years later that he finally got his chance. Danny was suddenly summoned by his father one day for a special mission. The man coldly told him that he'd be hunting down his sister and putting an end to her once and for all. Danny couldn't help but grin to himself. This mission would be too easy.

[starlooove]

The whole made up “tim is seen/treated as an employee by everyone’” thing is funny vs just how much Steph and spoiler as an identity got disrespected by literally everybody. Like not even hated just the casual disrespect for her is soooo

[teleportationmagic]

Continuation of this post about reverse Batgirl ft. Babara.

Cassandra's the first one to run into Babs.

It's been a few years - they've gone through a few more Robins. Bruce picked Jason up off the street, Tim dropped Robin for a second, Jason took it up. Jason died. Tim picked it back up again. There was a memorial to a dead boy in the Batcave, before he came back. Hoodie was on the streets again, no matter how much Bruce resents it.

The way she runs into her is... unorganized. She's launched by a creature straight into the side of a townhouse and flips so that her legs frame the redheaded teenager instead of making contact, before launching herself back into the fight and wrestling the thing to the ground. She leaves it tied up, and intends to make a quick visual check before moving on to the other three creatures that are rampaging through Gotham (Joker did a Thing) (Don't ask) when Barbara sticks out her neck and tells her to stop. Asks if she has a plan - asks if she knows where they are.

That is a negative. The situation is quickly evolving, and its all hands on deck. Barbara offers to help - she'll moniter Twitter and TikTok, see if she can give Cassandra any information that'll be useful. She even has access to the police networks - she can really help her out!

Bruce, through Cassandra's ear, is very much against this. But Barbara will stay in her home (which, while uninsulated (anymore), is not actually unsafe) (well, any more unsafe than the rest of Gotham) so she gives her a comm (That's not why I gave you extras, Batgirl!) (You said if I lose them. Lost one.) and heads out to fight giants. Barbara guides her through the city, taking her from stop to stop - she doesn't just keep social media open, but instead she surfs through city plans and sewer routes. Cassandra follows her directions - sweeping up and down Gotham. Barbara knows, by the end of it, that her contributions helped. Significantly.

She asks if she can stay on full time. Not as a vigilante, no, but just as a helper, someone to collate all the information they needed, to point Batgirl in the right direction.

Cass is hesitant. Bruce is hesitant. Steph wants to meet her first, but is also hesitant.

It doesn't help that, during their next mission, it turns out that Barbara had patched herself into their comms network through the one they gave her. She's picked up a codename in the meantime - Oracle.

It's Duke who ultimately argues her in. It's clear she won't stop - hell, which one of them actually stopped when they were told? And while Steph has complicated feelings about this, but she can't quite argue that he's wrong. (Jason also has complicated feelings about this! But he outwardly, he comes down hard on Let Her In, Actually) (Tim and Damian are on side I-haven't-met-her-yet)

Moreover, he continues, she's not actually in danger physically. In terms of new vigilantes, she's relatively safe, all things considered.

So Oracle is pulled into the fold. A lot of her work in the beginning is done out of her laptop, but as time passes (and she gets better and better at what she's doing) it evolves into more complicated stuff - actual hacking and archival stuff.

Cassandra, on the other hand, is growing up. She's been Batgirl for eight years, now. Damian and Duke change their suits, but Cassandra just adjusts hers for height. And now she is a mentor, to a girl older than when she picked this suit up.

"Maybe." Steph reflects. "Your just getting old. In general. Midlife crisis time."

"Older." She replies, tapping her on the shoulder. "Anciiiiiiient."

"Rude, so rude."

Batgirl was important to her, undoubtedly so. But it belonged to Gotham, and to Bludhaven. Cassandra had stayed there for so long, had based herself in those cities. She remembers, being younger. In the year between Cain and Bruce, travelling the world, and helping, where she could. And she helped here, she really did, but. But.

Barbara stays as Cass's main support, but eventually she starts helping out with the Robin contingent. It's Cass who teaches her the fundamentals of self defence - defence being the operative word there. She builds up her skillset so she can run away, instead of the more offensively focused approaches of everyone else. And while Barbara works with Jason, Tim, Damian and Duke, even, occasionally, she's always most used to working with Cass.

(Steph is taking this well! Steph is taking this like an adult, who knows her position in whatever this is is secure! She is not jealous of the proficiency of a teenager! Shut up Damian!)

But the thing is not everyone is Cass. And Barbara makes a bad call - sends Hoodie into a situation he wasn't ready for, and while he made it out alive it was by the skin of his teeth, with a week's worth of rest in the Batcave.

Cass tries to explain to her that it's not the end of the world. That everyone's alright, that people lived. It's a visceral experience, for her - arguing down to a girl who believes unshakingly that this is her fault. That nothing can change that, redeem that. It's Steph, in the end, who can wheel herself into Commissioner Gordon's home and share that same experience - of not knowing. Of miscalculating. Of doing better, next time.

It's to the both of them that Barbara argues that she should be able to do fieldwork. Not forever - she doesn't want forever. But. If she has experience, if she knows what it's like for the rest of them on the ground, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe she can keep herself from making this mistake again.

Cassandra points out that she'd onboarded under certain conditions. Barbara pointed out how much the rest of them risk their lives anyways, how they'd started much younger then she was. Stephanie taps the metal of her chair once. Twice.

She tells her how she lost her legs. That could happen to her too. Think on it.

They give her three days. In the meanwhile, Cassandra thinks as well. About Batgirl. About America. About the League base she'd found when she went to fight her mother, about the dead men left there.

People needed help. Gotham and Bludhaven, they had people and she'd learned the investigative skills she needed to help, on her own. And Barbara needs the legitimacy, the confidence. A mark of her confidence.

She discusses it with Stephanie. Stephanie brings up that Barbara might choose to do the sensible thing, actually, and Cass replies with a single upturned eyebrow.

She doesn't. And Batgirl is passed down again. Cass puts together another costume.

She won't leave. Not just yet, but she knows she will. When she brings it up to Bruce he maps out his own route, when he was new to this, working through Asia and Europe and Africa, picking up mentors and teachers who gave him the skills he needed. Maybe she'll learn something too. Something irreplaceable.

In the meanwhile, it becomes clear pretty soon that Babara's absence from the comms presents its own problems. Stephanie cracks her fingers, and decides to take the task up. Learning is a slow process - she predates the internet just enough for it to be slower, unweildy - but they trade. Old combat experience for tech experience, mixed in with social engineering. Barbara spent years cracking passwords through finding vulnerabilities in the code, whereas Stephanie shows her how to make the right phone call.

(Something else that is becoming clear is that Batman is getting older. He's not been a young man, by the time Cassandra had joined him, and he was getting no younger. There was time for a successor.)

(They just hadn't meant for it to be this soon - )

Bruce dies. Tim goes looking for him, leaving Robin behind, Jason following close. Duke, Damian, and Cassandra gather in the Batcave to decide upon a legacy. (Steph wants to tell them to roll dice for it.) It's not about pride, except in the ways it is - Duke as the most of experienced of them, Damian having known Batman alone and Cass as the one who'd worked under him the longest. There are objective metrics they could use for this, but it's not an objective contest.

"Trade it." Steph suggests, after a half hour of deliberation. "We still need Nightwing and Signal, and whatever Cass wants to take up now. Set up a rotating schedule, until you figure out the best fit."

"It'll be noticeable." Damian hisses, but it's a contemplative hiss.

"He did this alone, didn't he?" Cassandra points at each one of them and he inclines his head. "Yeah, but still. He thought that Batman had to be alone, that it was his to bear."

"It can be ours." Cass says, the simplicity feeling like a bell. Her eyes dart from brother to brother, something like certainty settling in the room. "All of ours."

There is also the matter of the child leaping through Gotham city, trying to avenge his parents. The ache of it brings Damian to his knees. The fifth Robin flies next to Batman, Batgirl on their side.

Robin and Batgirl start the beginning of something, slow and fumbling. That's a first, Stephanie remarks, and there's agreement across the board there.

Dick is Damian's robin, and Duke's, and Cass's. Barbara is Cass's Batgirl, and Steph's and Dick's. Tim and Jason send messages, from time to time - progress reports and stories. Damian has half a conniption when he hears that they're going up against the league.

Barbara partners with a bunch of other Gotham vigilantes - the Birds of Prey. Steph organizes them from her position in the Batcave, running comms and tracking movements. Barbara is by far the youngest of them, but her presence is appreciated, nevertheless. Dinah toys with taking her on as an apprentice.

Bruce comes back. Jason and Tim piece it together, and the pull on him, stumbling back into the present. Batman takes to the skies again - going from three keepers to two.

Then to one. Saying goodbye to Gotham hurts, when Cass leaves - but she leaves with a promise to come back, a kiss on the cheek for Stephanie, a hug for Bruce and Duke.

Barbara gives her a comm as she leaves. Takes a promise that she would keep it, no matter what. And that's a promise Cassandra keeps - voices of Batgirls old and new echoing through it.

[webshood]

Dick suffers from a chronic case of "younger siblings disease".

Nothing his is actually his, he'll buy a nice pair of pants and get the chance to wear it twice before one of his younger siblings takes it.

His oversized hoodies? All gone whenever Jason is in a crop top mood. His cute sanrio pijama pants? Cass took most of them and uses one of his shoe laces to tighten them instead of buying her own, because his stuff is "more comfortable". His shoes are free real state, Steph and Tim have a field day with them, Dick once found his Nike a1 valentine's pair stuffed with socks on the tip bc it didn't fit Steph but she still needed them to make the cutest fit ever.

Damian likes to say he doesn't steal Dick's clothes, but whenever a jacket or sunglass goes missing 80% of the time it'll be with Damian's stuff. Duke is a heathen he was all timid and shy at first, but Dick's beanies, tshirts and scarves are all gone whenever he has the chance

And Dick wouldn't have a problem with lending his clothes to his siblings, but they also steal his clothing from each other and then fight over who had it at first which always ends up with him having to confiscate the thing that caused the dispute at first, the cycle just repeats

Bonus :. Bruce tried to borrow a hoodie once, every kid fought him over it bc it was off limits since everyone also wanted it and he couldn't just disturb their system like that

[wondersinwaynemanor]

more Grandpa Bruce shenanigans bc why not?

1.

Reporter, approaches Bruce: Looking handsome as ever, Mr. Wayne. Do you have a date tonight?

Bruce, smiles: Yes, indeed I do. The most beautiful dates.

Reporter shrugs it off because that's the usual for Bruce Wayne, right?

and it's Lian and Steph and Cass' adopted daughter coming out of the car wearing sparkling red and purple dresses.

Bruce, grins: My granddaughters.

Bruce holds both of their hands and they enter the area together, both girls giggling and smiling for the cameras.

Reporters and paparazzi are left in awe.

2.

Bruce, exiting the Manor, rubs his temples: Great. I forgot my glasses. Again.

Timkon's son, suddenly flying beside Bruce: I'll get it, Grandpa!

Jondami's son, also flying beside Bruce's other side: No, l shall do it, Grandfather!

Timkon's son: I was here first!

Jondami's son, rolls his eyes: You're slow for a Kryptonian.

Bruce: Boys, no need to-

then they both fly around the house to find Bruce's glasses.

Bruce, sighs and smiles: What am I but an old man.

3.

Bruce is currently (trying) to make some pancakes, and the kitchen is a huge mess.

Birdflash's son: Uh. I take it back, Grandpa, two pancakes are enough for me, not ten.

Dukeizzy's daughter: We could have helped you, Grandpa. Now, Great Grandpa Alfie will not be happy.

Bruce, turns to his grandkids who are by the door: He's going to kick our butts, huh?

both of the kids nod.

Bruce: Well, how about some pizza?

Birdflash's son: I'll buy, I'll buy!

Dukeizzy's daughter: Take me, please.

Bruce, hands them money: Be careful, okay?

but they're gone already by the time Bruce blinks.

Bruce, shakes his head fondly: Speedsters, am I right?

bonus:

Gotham newspaper headlines goes: "Batman seen with young heroes on rooftop. Is Batman leading the group? Young Justice League or Kids Titans?"

it's basically just Batman with a young speester wearing a Kid Flash suit but with Nightwing's domino mask, Lian in a Speedy suit, Tim and Kon's son in a Superboy suit, Steph and Cass' daughter in a Batgirl suit, Duke and Izzy's daughter and Damian and Jon's son in Robin suits.

and it's just all of them enjoying some Batburgers while their parents are lurking behind the shadows to witness the scene.

[puppetwoman17]

Headcanon that the bats are the only people in Gotham who don’t know about Joker Junior.

The only people who know JJ’s identity are Bruce, Barbara, Jim Gordon, Joker himself, and Harley Quinn. Tim made Bruce promise not to tell Dick, and that continued when Jason came back, with him not wanting to be one of the older man’s triggers. The trend followed with Duke, Cass, Steph, and Damian, with him being more and more certain that if he told them, they would hate him.

Nothing lasts forever, though, and the batkids soon notice how differently Gotham treats Red Robin.

Rogues like Riddler, Harley, and Poison Ivy refrain from hurting him too much. Seasoned thugs quickly take away any electrocution devices from the newer ones, stating that “we don’t electrocute Red Robin”. When it comes to RR, Gotham’s citizens can get very peeved with the Bat.

The kids also notice the odd closeness between Jim, Babs, and Tim. Hell, there are times where they invite the older man to dinner and he goes off to whisper with Tim. The one time someone tried to subtly follow them, Babs stopped them in their tracks.

Everything comes to ahead when Dick goes deep into the bat computer archives for a case he assumes is tied to another. And lo and behold, he finds something titled Junior. He assumes that this is about a child villain and is curious, as the date tells him this happened while he was off in Bludhaven so many years ago.

It’s not.

He calls in the other bats(Tim is somewhere else) and they read through the files and watch the videos. God, the videos.

Dick is angry. Him and his siblings are fuming. Everything comes together and makes so much sense.

How some Gotham citizens treat RR differently. How Jim Gordon always makes sure RR is okay. How Babs knows how to calm Tim down better than anyone else. How Bruce always looks so guilty when he looks at Tim, a scarily similar look as the one he gives to Jason.

Their brother had been keepinh this secret for years, probably because he didn’t want them to hate them(Jason shakes his head furiously. “Stupid kid”.)

When Tim comes home, lo and behold with Babs, he immediately clocks onto their thoughts and makes a break for it. Babs blocks the door for everyone else. She says nothing.

Thats as far as I got.

[formerheroeswhoquittoolate]

headcanon that the smaller batkids steal the bigger ones' hoodies and jackets. and by "bigger ones" I mean literally anyone bigger than them.

jason gets the short end of the stick because dick and all his little siblings take his. tim's the only one bold enough to go for the leather jackets (well, and cass, but they're way too wide in the shoulders for her) but it's not uncommon to find dick or stephanie in a dark red or gray hoodie that smells of motor oil and gunpowder.

damian usually takes dick's hoodies, but they're very oversized on him. on the bright side, there are thumbholes in the sleeves of all dick's hoodies, so he can still use his hands. the thumbholes make them a hot commodity in the winter.

there is a tim-steph-cass jacket pipeline. steph steals tim's hoodies and cass takes them from steph. hence tim stealing jason's leather jackets -- steph won't take them, so he gets to hold on to them until jason realizes and takes them back. sometimes cass will also steal duke's hoodies, but she always returns them clean and neatly folded (unlike how it goes with the rest of the family, in which they are returned only under threat of blackmail or with long rounds of negotiation).

this is an extremely long-standing ring of jacket theft. you cannot leave a hoodie unattended in wayne manor. damian doesn't actually own any hoodies, and cass only owns one, because there's so many other people in the house to "borrow" one from. nowhere is safe. steph once broke into dick's apartment to steal his warm hoodie, the one with the fuzz on the inside.

but it goes the other way sometimes. jason leaves things in the pockets of his leather jackets for tim -- film for his camera, hand sanitizer, half-filled punch cards for local coffee shops with "drink water too, fucker" written on the back. cass will tuck little slips of paper in the cuffed sleeves when she leaves hoodies out. the notes don't say anything, but they have little smiley faces and hearts on them, and steph has taken to doing something similar with corny jokes. dick just straight-up leaves candy in the hoods of his jackets.

it's a game, it's a love language. it's simultaneously annoyance and affection. there's nothing like wearing a hoodie that's too big for you, that smells like your family, to make you feel safe.

[cassandracain52]

Reverse trope

where instead of the Bats forgetting that they’re adopted (something actual adoptees do on occasion and is hilarious) they forget that some of them *cough Damian cough* aren’t

_______

Jason in the heat of a probably ridiculous argument: Yeah well YOU’RE adopted!

Tim just as invested in said argument: So are YOU! We all are!

Damian who had previously been quietly watching this unfold while he drank his tea: Actually I’m not

Tim and Jason who didn’t realize he was there but are already DoneTM: …… Damian continuing to sip his tea entirely unbothered: :)

Damian: Because I’m not an orphan-

Jason: ok, yoU KNOW WHAT-

____

or like in their group texts (that we know they have thanks to Nightwing (2016) #79)

*Steph changed the group chat name to “Bruce Wayne’s Personal Orpanage”*

Jason: Really?

Steph: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Steph: It’s the truth Damian: Both my parents are very much alive

Steph: Shhh you don’t count

Cass: Mine too Duke: Technically so are mine

Barbara: I still have a dad so there’s that

Steph: YOU GUYS ARE RUINING THE JOKE

Tim: Stephanie aren’t BOTH of your parents alive???

Steph: KNOW WHAT? FINE

*Steph changed the group chat name to “The Technicality Police”*

Tim: well that’s more accurate at least

Steph: :)

_____

Damian in his 10th argument with Tim of the day: That’s- this is-

Tim in full Antagonizing Big Brother mode: I’m listening

Damian -a Gen Z and best friend to Jon Kent- extremely frustrated: This is such Motherless behavior!

Tim taken aback: [voice cracking] W-what-?

Damian who didn’t mean to say that but doubling down anyway because his bloodline doesn’t believe in admitting mistakes: THIS! This is such Motherless behavior!

The rest of the family who is also motherless: :O

Cass whose been spending way too much time with Meme Queen Stephanie Brown and not involved in the argument but finding it entertaining regardless: [nodding along seriously] Facts

Tim: [visibly betrayed] CASS WHAT-

A video copy of the interaction gets sent out anonymously to the entire family. Barbara is the prime suspect but there is no proof as of yet (and they will never find any)

Steph, Cass, and Duke continue to respond “Motherless behavior” everytime one of the bats does something they deem questionable/insane. It is said often

It only stops when one night in the middle of patrol. Batman is in full Dark Knight mode (possibly in the middle of threatening someone) and descends from the ceiling into the middle of a warehouse drug deal, dark cape billowing out behind him-

and Steph just automatically whispers “Motherless behavior” forgetting her com was still very much on

She immediately realizes what she said and frantically apologizes but it’s too late.

Bruce just- Blue Screens. Completely stunned into silence

Dick -who was unfortunate enough to be the one teamed up with Batman tonight- is fighting for his life to choke back his laughter

Jason doesn’t even try to stop his and has collapsed to his knees from lack of air from how hard he’s laughing. Cass try’s half heartedly patting his back to help to no avail

The criminals are terrified into surrender from The Red Hood just laughing hysterically at seemingly nothing while Batman just Stands There

Damian ends up being the only one still functioning enough to continue arresting everyone, though he is privately amused and strangely proud

Tim and Barbara have saved both the com recordings and cowl footage to at least three different servers and sent it to absolutely everyone before Batman even recovers

Duke finds out second hand the next morning and is furious he missed the chance to see it in person. He declares he is moving to the nightshift so it doesn’t happen again. (He is all talk and goes to bed by 9 pm)

Bruce bans the phrase for life and promises swift and server punishment to anyone who dares to use it again

[pluckyredhead]

What the heck is going on in Batman/Gotham War?

I know a lot of people in fandom are confused and/or upset about what's been going on in Gotham War - why is Bruce acting like this, what is Selina doing, why are the Batkids taking sides. So I figured I would fill you all in on what's been happening in Batman and Catwoman since Chip Zdarsky took over with Batman #125, because it has been BONKERS and I have been enjoying the hell out of it.

Below, the quickest summary I can manage while still being comprehensive:

[Content warning: mental illness, abuse, suicide (...ish), LOTS of violence.]

The first arc, "Failsafe," starts with Batman and Robin (Tim, in this case) in pursuit of the Penguin, who is on a killing spree. In the very first issue, Tim gets shot in the neck. Bruce has to take him to the hospital, but first he has to strip him out of his costume and put him in civilian clothes to preserve their secret identities, triggering memories of when he had to do the same to Jason's dead body. There is LITERALLY NO PURPOSE TO ANY OF THIS EXCEPT WHUMP (Tim is back in action with a fucking BAND-AID on his neck very quickly), which is how I knew this was going to be good. Beat Tim up! Make Bruce cry about Jason! I want these men to suffer! (There is also SO much to be said about Tim's own Poor Mental Health Decisions throughout the entirety of Zdarsky's run so far, but that's for a separate meta post.)

Anyway. Bruce leaves Tim in the hospital and goes to confront Penguin, who turns out to be dying of mercury poisoning. He kills himself and makes it look like Batman did it, forcing Bruce to flee. (Penguin actually faked his death and is alive elsewhere under an alias, but that's not important right now.)

In the Batcave, a massive robot called Failsafe emerges. Failsafe attacks Bruce, who usually eats killer robots for breakfast, but he can't seem to get the upper hand on this one. Duke, Cass, Steph, and Dick show up to help, but Failsafe beats them all too, while Tim gets an injured Bruce away and to the Batcave.

In the Batcave, Bruce puts on a weird purple and red Batman costume and a new personality takes over: the Batman of Zur-En-Arrh. Now, Zur has a very complicated history going back to 1958, but for the purposes of this story, all you need to know is that when he was younger, Bruce decided it would be good to hang out in a sensory deprivation chamber until his mind created a secondary personality, Zur, who is essentially Batman without Bruce. Zur is pure efficiency who does not care about anything but the mission. He created Failsafe, for one purpose: to kill Bruce if Bruce ever crossed the line and killed someone. And right now, Failsafe believes that Bruce killed Penguin.

Failsafe nearly kills Tim, which Zur is okay with writing off as an expendable soldier's death, but this causes Bruce to take control of the body back because "Tim isn't my soldier...HE'S MY SON!" (Tim Nation, why are you not ALL OVER this story? It's catnip.)

Babs calls in the JLA (SuperBat fans, you will also want to read Bruce's adoring description of Clark when he shows up), but of course Failsafe has kryptonite, which it stabs Clark with. The League dumps Clark and Bruce into the JLA jet and distracts Failsafe while Tim flies Clark and Bruce to the Fortress of Solitude. Bruce tells Tim he's a good boy and jumps out of the jet and into the ocean so that Tim and Clark will be safe from Failsafe. He's rescued by Arthur, who takes him to Atlantis to heal. THIS HAS ALL ONLY BEEN FOUR ISSUES SO FAR.

Two weeks later, Bruce wakes up to discover that Failsafe has taken over Gotham. He teleports up to the JLA Watchtower on the moon to lure Failsafe there, then blows the Watchtower up, hoping to catch a ride on one of the Javelins. But Failsafe has already destroyed them, so Bruce RIDES A BOOSTER ROCKET BACK TO EARTH, OXYGEN MASK CLAPPED OVER HIS FACE. The whole thing has some powerful Scooty-Puff Jr energy.

The only tricky part is reentry, when Bruce starts to burn up - his costume is fireproof, of course, but his chin is exposed. SO HE TAKES OFF HIS LITTLE BAT-PANTIES AND PUTS THEM OVER HIS HEAD. I swear to god this happened in a real comic book and the entire "Bruce falls off the moon and survives" sequence is utterly delectable goofy nonsense and I truly cannot recall a time I've had more fun reading a comic book.

Anyway, Bruce lands directly outside of the Fortress, BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES, and runs inside to find Clark and Tim. While Clark keeps Failsafe distracted, Bruce and Tim program nanobots to inject compassion into Failsafe. I SWEAR TO GOD. They zap him with the nanobots, but Failsafe pulls a high tech space gun out of the Fortress and shoots Bruce with it anyway, apparently disintegrating him. Tim falls to his knees in the snow, weeping. TIM NATION, WAKE UP, THIS RUN IS CANDY FOR YOU.

But of course Bruce isn't dead! That wasn't a killing gun, it was a "zap you into another dimension" gun!!! THAT was the compassion!

So Bruce finds himself in a dystopian alternate Gotham, and I'll be honest, I didn't love this arc ("The Bat-Man of Gotham") as much as I loved "Failsafe," but it has its moments. In this Gotham, Bruce Wayne is dead, so Regular Bruce is like "Oh boy, time to Batman this place up." Also he's plagued by hallucinations of a skeleton version of Jim Gordon who is still wearing a trench coat AND A MUSTACHE. Like I said, it has its moments.

This Gotham is controlled by Arkham, and anyone who is diagnosed as "crazy" is locked up. A new villain, Red Mask, is in charge, and Selina and a Venomed-up Harvey Dent work for him. Bruce teams up with an orphan kid (of course) named Jewel and goes after Red Mask, who turns out to be some guy named Darwin Halliday and ALSO...the Joker. Well, he's the Joker who hasn't been Jokerized yet. But one time he breathed in some chemicals that let him see into the main reality of the DCU (???) and glimpsed Regular Joker and now he wants to build an interdimensional machine to mentally connect with Regular Joker across universes which he assumes will make him insane, NATURALLY.

Bruce attacks Red Mask, who sics a Venomed-up Ghost Maker on him. Ghost Maker cuts off Bruce's right hand. Bruce cauterizes it with an electroshock machine and ties some spikes on it (SERIOUSLY) and goes after Red Mask again. Meanwhile Red Mask mentally connects with an alternate dimensional Joker...but instead of it driving Red Mask insane, he's what drives the Joker insane. Desperate to become the Joker somehow, anyhow, he jumps into the interdimensional portal, and Morally Dubious Alternate Universe Selina kicks Bruce in after him.

Meanwhile, Tim is in full "I KNOW I SAW HIM DIE BUT HE'S NOT DEAD" mode, which: bless. So he teams up with Jon Kent, which...gosh, what an astonishingly boring duo. I love Jon, I love Tim, they're perfectly nice and normal around each other, I'm falling asleep. Anyway Tim fights Toyman for a while and then makes a VERY stupid costume where the entire torso is a giant light-up R, because "I want him to see that Robin is coming to save him." GET A THERAPY, TIM.

Bruce finds himself first in the Michael Keaton Batman universe, then the Red Rain universe, BTAS, Batman Beyond (yes I know they're the same universe but I guess he goes there twice), Silver Age, Kingdom Come, Gotham by Gaslight, and more. Adam West gives him a utility belt. The Dark Knight Returns Bruce builds him a robot hand.

Finally Bruce and Red Mask reach the end of the multiverse, which is a Gotham asteroid floating in space, surrounded by giant Jokerized sharks. LUCKILY BRUCE HAS BAT-SHARK REPELLANT IN HIS ADAM WEST UTILITY BELT!!! Honestly this whole arc was worth it for that moment.

Bruce knocks Red Mask out, but now he's stuck. He has a device from Batman Beyond Bruce to get home, but it's only good for one person, and he can't leave Red Mask there to die. Of course, that's when Tim shows up in his stupid giant glowing R costume and they hug it out, thereby fulfilling but also compounding all of Tim's issues since 1989.

Anyway things are fine now, right? Sure, Bruce is hallucinating that his family is on fire, and the Zur personality is not going neatly back into the box where it's been all these years, and he still has a robot hand (Damian, hilariously, immediately announces that he wants one too), but he's FINE. He is a little bit mad at Selina, because she broke out of jail (she was in jail because she killed her fuckbuddy because he was trying to kill Bruce), and also because she didn't tell him Penguin was alive and that would have stopped Failsafe, and also because Other Selina kicked into another universe. Selina, very fairly, is like "Well I'm not responsible for Other Selinas and also maybe don't build robots to kill yourself with and not tell anyone about them???"

THEN we got Knight Terrors, the summer event in which a villain called Nightmare caused everyone to fall asleep and, uh, have nightmares. Bruce, specifically, had a nightmare that he met an eight-year-old version of himself that vomited up a man-sized bat with a gun for a head. I laughed SO HARD. Bruce also had his body borrowed by Deadman for the duration of the event, so while he endured the psychological toll of nightmares like everyone else, he also endured the physical toll of everything Deadman was doing PLUS the mental toll of being aware of what was happening in the waking world even though he couldn't control his body. As soon as the event was over, he lapsed into a coma so that his body could get some damn rest.

Okay. Now we're up to Gotham War.

(I know, I know. But for all of you who are like "How could Bruce do this???" about Gotham War...*points up* THAT'S HOW. HE IS NOT WELL.)

Bruce awakens from his coma and IMMEDIATELY decides to Fight A Crime even though Babs is like "Maybe don't?" But he can't find any crime, which is...weird. His kids confirm that Gotham's been super quiet since he's been out.

Selina hears that Bruce is awake and is like okay, time to pay the piper. She calls all of the Bats to a meeting and explains that she's the reason crime has been down. See, villains like Joker and Two-Face always have goons, right? But what if the goon supply dried up because the goons have better jobs? So Selina has trained All The Goons In Gotham to be...cat burglars. No violence, no stealing from anyone who can't afford it. More importantly, no helping Scarecrow or whoever commit mass murder.

All of the Batkids are like "Hmm...I feel uncertain about this, but it's working...I don't know what to think..." except for Jason, who thinks it's hilarious and is instantly Team Selina, and Damian, who is staunchly Team Bruce. Bruce, meanwhile, is like "No! NO! THIS IS CRIMES, AND CRIMES IS BAD!" and Selina's like "I mean, robbing from the rich is basically a victimless crime" and Bruce screams, I swear to god, "MY PARENTS WERE 'RICH'!" Inexplicable scare quotes and all. I laughed so hard.

Anyway this is the basis for Gotham War and it is endlessly hilarious to me because everyone in the Batfamily is supposed to be a genius and yet not one single character has pointed out that:

There are jobs the goons could be doing that AREN'T illegal. It's not just violent crime vs. nonviolent crime. There are in fact many other jobs! I am POSITIVE Gotham needs construction workers and hospital orderlies. (Yes, I know it's hard for people with records to get jobs. That isn't addressed.)

Being Batman is SUPER ILLEGAL.

They are all so stupid.

Selina's plan doesn't even work, because one of her thieves gets killed by a rich person defending their home, and Bruce is like "See? This is why crime is bad!" and like...pretty much snaps. He's particularly fixated on Jason, even (rhetorically) threatening to kill him, which is when the other kids jump into the fray on Jason's side, all except for Damian, who like I said is firmly Team Bruce. (This makes complete sense to me, Damian has been dealing with severe trauma and isolation pretty much nonstop since 2018 and he and Bruce have finally made a tenuous peace, so I can understand why he wouldn't want to lose that.)

Also, Vandal Savage buys Wayne Manor. It's so random and SO funny.

OKAY BATMAN #138. Bruce has kidnapped Jason and injected him with a variation on fear toxin which will be triggered whenever Jason's adrenaline spikes, the idea being that Jason is no longer capable of killing - but in practice, Jason is no longer capable of even getting up off the floor, he's so terrified. I want to be really, really clear here: Bruce is like 90% Zur here, and the only reason he goes this route and doesn't kill Jason is because the remaining 10% that's still Bruce loves Jason and is trying to help him. He's just incapable of good or humane help because Zur literally can't do feelings.

Dick knows something is up and is sneaking around Bruce's Secret Other House We've Never Heard Of to figure out what it is. Damian attacks him to protect Bruce. Tim attacks Damian so that Dick can do what he needs to do, and handcuffs Damian to a parking meter:

THERE IS SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE!!! TIM GO TO THERAPY! DAMIAN GO TO THERAPY! EVERYONE GO TO THERAPY!!!!!

Dick figures out what Bruce did to Jason (it's on the computer, for...some reason?) and absolutely loses his shit on Bruce, beating the crap out of him, which tbh is the only thing that felt off to me in this run because frankly I don't think Dick likes Jason that much. BUT WHATEVER.

Tim pulls Dick off of Bruce. Bruce leaves them both tangled in a net and flees as the cops approach. Zur's like "Good, fuck 'em" in Bruce's head, because the cops will expose Dick, Tim, and Damian's secret identities and Bruce will be free of the dead weight of a family, but the little bit of Bruce still in there throws Dick a batarang so he can free them all in time.

Then Bruce leaves. Damian is devastated.

I WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM THIS PAGE. Damian really thought he could have Bruce's love and loyalty if he turned on everyone else! Tim is going to be a therapy dog to a Wayne even if he has to settle for the one he doesn't like! That unresisting, blank hug made me SCREAM when I turned the page. Incredible. (Also the art fucking S L A P S, god bless you Jorge Jimenez.)

ALSO it turns out that Selina's second in command has been Vandal Savage's daughter Scandal Savage the whole time and they are turning Selina's cat burglar army into their own personal army WHOOPS. (This also feels very OOC for Scandal but at this point I trust Zdarsky with my life so let's see where things go.)

SO THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON IN GOTHAM WAR. TL;DR:

Bruce is unhinged because he nearly died like 19 times in a week and it unlocked the smaller, meaner purple Batman that lives inside him.

Selina is unaware that you can get money legally.

Tim is going to have a nervous breakdown if he can't fix someone, ANYONE.

Damian needs a hug but ideally from someone he actually likes this time.

Jason is so scared.

THE END.

[fishfission-dc]

Batfamily Powerpoint Night! (Part 9: Barbara)

<<Part 8: Duke    |    Part 10: Alfred >>

[Masterlist]

Barbara: Alright, my turn!

Tim: Frankly I’m terrified for what’s about to happen

Dick: Oh Babs will be nice, don’t worry :)

Dick: I stand corrected

Steph: Oh god

Bruce: [sighs and puts his head in his hands]

Barbara: I organized it roughly from newest vigilantes to oldest, since more patrolling means more room for spectacular failures

Duke: It was a bad day for me

Jason: HA

Steph: Been there, done that. Not on TV though that really sucks man.

Steph: NOOOOOO

Tim: ONE SQUARED?

Steph: I GOT CONFUSED

Jason: [Hysterical laughter]

Damian: One multiplied by one?!

Steph: I THOUGHT IT MADE TWO I UNDERSTAND MY MISTAKE

Duke: From this mask view footage Batman is just watching this go down

Bruce: He said he didn’t want help. Felt like a teaching moment.

Damian: (muttering) I was fine.

Dick: Damian we were not going to drive you to 5th grade with a knife in your liver.

Steph: You’ve had this footage for four years?!

Barbara: I keep a file for blackmail. Cass doesn’t really have much, though.

Cass: (signing) I did learn the dance. Eventually.

Tim: WILL THIS TORMENT EVER END

Jason: YOU CRASHED THE BATMOBILE INTO A WALMART, TIMMY.

Steph: You deserve every joke we make about this

Damian: Your idiocy must be remembered

Dick: Yeah Tim this is pretty bad

Jason: Can I have that mask view footage

Barbara: I got ya

Tim: I hate it here

Jason: I really can’t defend this one

Dick: Why...? Did you shoot the trashcan?

Jason: I thought it was looking at me funny

Damian: The trashcan?

Jason: I was up for 52 hours give me a break.

Barbara: Do you want to tell them why you pulled two all-nighters in a row? Or should I?

Jason: You are an evil, evil woman. How do you even- nevermind. Of course you know everything, why do I even wonder. And for the record, the first night I stayed up for a case.

Barbara: And the second night was for Animal Crossing.

Jason: ...perhaps.

Duke: Oh my god.

Steph: And you laughed at me?

Bruce: (sighs)

Steph: Stop you were adorable in high school

Barbara: Thank you, but the braces? The acne? The bangs? 15 year old Barbara had no idea what she was doing.

Dick: I for one thought you were very cute in high school.

Jason: Stop flirting or I will leave

Bruce: Why were you both on a roof at night in your school uniforms?

Dick: I think let’s move on

Dick: Nevermind nevermind go back

Tim: Oh my god, Dick.

Duke: ”Purposely” ?!

Dick: I was nine

Damian: I knew better by age 9.

Bruce: Lessons were learned. I hope.

Jason: I’m starting to think I was one of the better Robins

Dick: I felt like I see sounds for three days...

Bruce: All traces of this were wiped from the internet.

Barbara: Oh Bruce, you know I’m better than that.

Dick: Hold on, hold on, we need an explanation.

Alfred: (as he walks by) A little too much to drink goes a long way...

Tim: YOU WERE DRUNK? ON PATROL?

Jason: No way. Even I haven’t been that stupid.

Duke: What did you buy at CVS

Bruce: ...apparently... I bought lollipops.

Steph: “Apparently” as in the next morning you didn’t remember putting on the Batsuit, going to CVS, buying lollipops, and talking to a guy with an audio recording device?

Bruce: ...yes.

Cass: (signing) Very bad. Very funny, but very bad.

Damian: Also an ineffective use of a smoke bomb if this civilian saw you walk away...

Bruce: Barbara, you have made your point.

<<Part 8: Duke    |    Part 10: Alfred >>

[Masterlist]

[graham-cracker-guillotine]

listen i mathed my way thru this:

tim b/c he's a wacko, duke to "recharge his powers" (ie also a wacko)

babs and alfred are the only normal ones in the family

bruce has too many children he can sleep thru storms. steph is probably passed out somewhere in the manor (cass' room)

jay, my favorite, has to be a lil traumatized from *gestures at entire life* but especially when he dUG HIMSELF UP FROM HIS GRAVE IN A STORM so yeah

dick is comforting a begrudging jason b/c of said storm

tim is stuck outside after trying to get himself struck by lightning. cass is not stuck!! she is simply enjoying the storm outside with a raincoat and an umbrella

when tim finally gets back inside he learns the wifi is gone and promptly goes back outside to try and get struck by lightning. damian is mad bc his video call with jon got cut off

thank u im here all day

[brucewaynehater101]

What if Tim was a meta with ability to erase and change people's memories (like Pudding from One Piece) and when he felt like he had to disappear he erased memories of himself from Batfam's minds??

Ye!

The batfam become confused af as well. They feel something is missing. There's a hole in their lives, but they can't tell what it is. They can't tell that their memories are missing because Tim erased the memory of the third Robin from everyone's minds.

Despite having no recollection of Tim (and despite him deleting all evidence that says contrary), everyone still feels his absence.

Alfred, for some reason he can't place, keeps setting an additional plate down for dinner. He finds himself buying Zesti flavors none of the Waynes like.

Jason feels an odd sort of grief when he notices his jacket is still draped over the back of the couch where he left it.

Bruce finds himself drowning in work despite the workload being the same as it always is. He goes to send his analysis of an interesting cold case but pauses at the contact name.

Cass knows, to the very being in her bones, that her family isn't whole. She just doesn't know why.

Duke finds himself dropping by Wayne Enterprises during his dayshift, but he doesn't know where he wants to go. He's also bothered by the window in the CEO office being locked how it's supposed to be.

Titus won't stop whining as he sits in front of a bedroom in the family wing that's always been empty.

For some reason, Barbara has every other Tuesday night completely empty. Despite her hectic schedule and her needing that time to get work done, she can't bring herself to fill it.

Damian is getting so frustrated every time he tries to paint. There's a face he keeps drawing, but it's blurry. He doesn't know who it is, and he doesn't know why it causes him to feel so much.

Steph cracks a smile when she sees a brick but doesn't know why. There's a plethora of inside jokes she knows but doesn't understand. None of the other Bats react to them either.

Dick stares at the photo of himself with his parents and two strangers. He thought his mourning had lessened over the years. He still feels it, but he usually remembers the good times when he looks at this picture. Now, it's as if he's feeling their loss anew. He's grieving, but somehow, he knows it's not about them. He doesn't know what else it could be.

[starlooove]

Dickbea JayDana timtam I will always love u