#tearing up rn life is good
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my weekend to do list!!!
comprehensible input, standard four hours 🇰🇷 🇲🇽
preptober for nanowrimo!!! 📝
finish a book, probably The Enlightenment of the Greengage Tree 📚
physical hobby! drawing/crochet 🧶✏️
pack for next couple of weeks! pick up my dry cleaning!!!!!
#the weather is so nice!!!!!#i'm so genuinely content and happy and even joyous???#tearing up rn life is good#neurasthnia posts
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feeling unwell about solavellan
#dragon age#dragon age inquisition#dai#dragon age solas#solavellan#inquisitor lavellan#like ik its different for everybody right#but god#im thinkin about them real hard rn#aila being angry for so long#that by datv its almost the only thing they feel consistently#and the dragons blood doesnt help#and theyre SO SURE that when they see solas again theyll kill him#bc thats what they wanted#but then everything goes to shit#idk#i think some of that murderous rage stays#bc theyve always had it#their entire life got upturned and destroyed bc they were at the wrong place at the wrong time#and for the most part they wield that anger at their foes#but then tresspasser happens and it just comes crashing down on them#they never wanted this responsibility. and solas says hes going to tear down the veil#which will effectively destroy the world- even if thats a good thing#and they dont give up. they give in to that bubbling anger#and even if they dont want to. they know theyll kill solas. they have to.#then veilguard. they cant kill solas. not now. and deep down they wonder if they wouldve to begin with#anyway. im really normal about aila. they use they/she btw.#is it obvious that theyre a reaver warrior lmao
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hey cuties in my phone. i just want you to know i love you very much and life is so fucking hard but so worth living and if it’s dark for you rn just know i am rooting for you and i hope things get easier <3.
#i just want u to know that if u think no one cares i do!!!!!#on a little break but I’ll be back to it soon just need to process everything#tw death#also warning for mention of suic*de if you continue in these tags i just need to vent#i love u all dw im ok<3#it never gets easier when someone i know my age passes away. Especially when they take their life.#i grew up in a bad area a lot of us had bad lives and I’ve lost ppl before. but this one hurts a lot. so much actually.#we were both in the psych ward together as teens and exchanged facebooks to stay friends. she understood me on a level very few ever could#she had a tattoo inspired by a memory of us. we shared something I’ve never found with anyone else. and now she is gone.#i always hoped life would get easier for her. why doesn’t it get easier for such good people? questions my brain can’t comprehend#i hope she’s found the peace she was so cruelly denied here :/#I think i have cried until there are no more tears in my body rn#ramblings
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oh my gods don’t touch me i just finished tfs. i’m so emotional rn. ten whole years..
#i legitimately teared up at the end with the cutscenes. fuck man#this game has been such a huge part of my life i’m not sure what i’ll do when everything is said and done for good#i’m just so. man. really good but fuck i’m experiencing shrimp emotions rn#the 12 player activity was really fun and i rode that high all the way to then end until it hit me like a ton of bricks#i think i gotta go lie down and process everything#destiny 2#destiny the game#destiny the final shape#the final shape#the final shape spoilers#whispers from the garden
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my dad made a passing comment that maybe my legs hurt this badly because i walk all day every day in my flat ass sneakers... and im like ok probably. theres a point there. so im like maybe its worth it to invest in better shoes because i love walking i walk everywhere but man 200 usd for a shoe? that doesnt even look good? cmon now...
#also man like specific walking shoes are so bland esp for their price but if i simply look up sneakers how do i know#that it will hold my feet has a good sole etc etc...#like i just discovered hoff shoes and theyre sooooo. made for me. gaugh#if i have to drop 100 usd to comfortably walk around and enjoy life... tearing everything to pieces#hazel.txt#forgot to mention that i bought the shoes i have rn around this time last year so it doesnt feel good to get new ones......#yes i have one pair of shoes what about it
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Me? actually trying to do tarot cards?? sounds fake
#composition is something i definitely still have to practice a lot so tbh its good that im finally making myself do this xD#the neira one is the only one so far where ive tired blocking colours so far cos its the only one where i had a p solid palette in mind#def have to either deepen the shadows in the face or remove the tears/blood/death smoothie bc rn it looks kind of weird fjsdfl#oc: neira surana#oc: liam hawke#oc: june trevelyan#my ocs#my art#wip#tarot cards#so uhh. theres nothing super deep tbh but some thoughts behind some of the stuff#first thought was having a similar setup/comp for all of them but i am probably not gonna do that#sticking to suit of cups for neira cos its the perfect excuse to keep put the joining chalice there lol#also the circle cos. she is a circle mage. very far fetched i know#it does also fit w being trapped and going in circles and w life/death cycle so. there's that#liam gets angsty three of swords imagery because of course he does#i kinda wanna mirror varrics post hlta card and also that one abstrac-y thing i did of liam some time ago#also chains maybe? for kirkwall and for not letting go and all that#for june i do like the close up in theory bc i like having it very focused on /her/#bc her development in dai is much more personal rather than strongly tied to the central narrative#& also focusing on her magic cos thats an important part of her & her development (& it fits her v egocentric mindset thru most of dai)#but it also looks too. idk. powerful? like she's in control. which she absolutely isnt lmao#so the other one is kinda the exact opposite direction. more zoomed out & dynamic but i want it to feel more claustrophobic too#sort of. trapped animal kinda deal. trying to get out. keeping the fire theme tho#(ignore that her glowy hand is on the wrong side i accidentally drew it flipped lol)#i am. not good at detailed and or nuanced composition so everything turns out p bold and on the nose ^^''#it's a start tho!#(i do have more thoughts than what i wrote lol but i am running out of tags and also im tired)#feedback/tips are def appreciated btw! :>
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saw a post one time that was like “block a g1rlbl0gger today so you don’t have to block a racist/transphobe/t3rf later” and I had no idea what that meant at first
holy fuck i think I’m starting to understand now
#this is genuinely one of the most dreadful examples of white fragility that I have ever seen#obviously not all “g1rl bl0ggers” are like this#most of them (from what I’ve seen) are honestly just mentally ill and have good taste in movies which is relatable#but the sheer amount of r-dfems in that space is really fucking scary#and they hide behind phrases like “just a girl”#ALSO‼️‼️‼️ I’m censoring these terms so this post is harder for that crowd to find. I don’t censor myself but that’s different today#idk I’m trans and brown and believe they’d have no problem tearing my Mexican ass up#white fragility is making the biggest comeback of its life rn and it’s crazy how I see none of y’all talking about it#racism#transphobia#rays.forked.tongue
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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what do you mean there's 2 weeks until im 23 ......... since when
#my birthday is coming up and i finally have plans for once but also Jesus Fucking Shit The WEATHER up here makes me#want to start throwing myself into rivers and drifting out into the sea . good god it is so fuckin hot out AND ITS NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE#i miss when my hometown had cold weather and rain all the fucking time. what happened to this place being a rainforest#i dont like the amount of california happening where im living atm. both interms of the housing + drug crises and also the weather#i do not. need this weather.. on top of all the other shit i have going on rn .i will tear my skin off and run into the streets asa skeleton#also sorry for the absence 🧍♂️life outside of the internet has been such a fuckin trainwreck lately its wild out here
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my family threw a party for me yesterday and it was soooo much fun!!! I felt so loved and celebrated, especially after being in such a slump for the past like six months 🥺🥺🥺
#at first I wanted it to be over LOL#bc I didn’t feel good about my looks#but I changed outfits a few times and more people started coming and it was so fun!!!#I definitely don’t like hard liquor but WINE AND SANGRIA????? baby#I was tearing them mfs UP!!!!!!!!#I also gagged at a Jell-O shot alsjdkdk it wasn’t that bad after a while tho#but it was so fun!!!!#I also got so many sweet gifts and monies and I am just. so content with life rn#best weekend I’ve had in a while :)#also I will be writing more in the next few days!!#I’ve been on a little hiatus bc of anticipating this weekend#but I started something short last night w touya and hopefully I’ll finish it today#and another kinda angsty thing w bkg and then a full fic :)#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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Vent
#I need a hug#I just feel like hopeless shit tbh#I wanna do something to cheer myself up but I'm just so depressed nothing feels worth it#I don't have any crochet inspiration#my hair is in a cloth so makeup would look good/feel worth it#anything I wanna write is sad#I just want something to make me happy rn but I'm not gonna get it :(#I don't even have the will power to do basic skin care rn#usually I feel a lil better after but ugh#I just...don't feel like i care about anything#I wish I could go completely nonverbal so that I wouldn't anger the people around me#all my life is consistent of is listening to people but no one listens to me#my dad thinks we talk a lot but really it's HIM talking and me going 'yeah' every now and then#he says its not true but it is#I never get to talk to anyone I never get to go off into my autistic rants like he does#my moods really fluctuating between feeling nothing and feeling like I need to c*t and d*e#I need a hug that I don't have to fucking ask for........#I'm either dazing and nothing or I'm barely holding in my tears#I wanna take a Tbreak cus I feel like that doesn't help#but it's really hard to NOT smoke when in pain#I dunno man my life just feels like it's never getting better.#I wanna be saved but that's never happening I'm not pretty enough to even hope that someone will finally give me my big break#feeling just hurts I wanna shut off but it's driving me mad
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my dad recently made the mistake of quoting roy's last words to me and had to endure my ten minute obsession-fuelled dissection of the ending and that scene in particular and all the symbolism. and i have come to the conclusion that i need to rewatch bladerunner NOW. ASAP. or i might actually start biting furniture
#LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN THERES SO MUCH 'IS DECKART A REPLICANT?' STUFF OUT THERE#I NEED TO SEE THE DETAILS THEYRE ALL TALKING ABOUT#IVE ONLY WATCHED THE FILM ONCE I WAS MOSTLY CONCERNED WITH REMEMBERING WHOS WHO AND KEEPING UP WITH THE PLOT#I NEED TO SEE ALL THE DETAILS#I NEED TO ANALYSE ALL THE DETAIL#ABFCHGVKEH JDCSNLEHBRKJCWNK#also also also ill be able to watch the truman show in full!! i need to do that this very second. bc i only saw parts and I NEED IT ALL#gosh there are so many philosophical debates about it waiting to be had#I HAVE ALREADY DRAWN PARALELLS BETWEEN THE TRUMAN SHOW AND BLADERUNNER I NEED MORE OF THAT#mortal defies their creator/god when faced with the chance and refuses to live out the ''life'' planned out for them I LOVE THAT SHIT#a biscuit's rambles#okay okay im normal again#THATS A LIE NVM I AM TEARING THROUGH CUSHIONING RN AS WE SPEAK#thank the gods for dvds. weve got bladerunner on dvd secondhand cuz we couldnt find it anywhere else#and my dad wanted me to watch it very badly and got it cheap in good condition#AND I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER#I NEED TO REWATCH BLADERUNNER AGHHHHHHHHH#i should probably also watch the remake at some point. just to know it.#i mean im sure ill keep complaining all the time but am curious#I NEED TO WATCH BLADERUNNER#im being very broken record core rn arent i
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back to the dating app 🚶
#got inspired to try it again 🙄#i have a date semi planned now and all of the women in portland are obsessed w me or whatever#bc i like love and dating ppl but i keep falling in love with friends and it HAS NOT ENDED WELL ONCE so maybe stop it you dumbass#(this may be caused by the fact i’ve gotten my hopes up a bit abt a friend of mine but i should NOT… unless…)#i crave companionship#and am#also so scared all the time i’m soooooososcaredddd rn#why can’t everyone just love me all the time#must be my personality bc i’m like really hot rn#also me swiping on ppl just looking for hookups them matching and just 😳 i do not know if i’m at a point in my life where i am confident eno#ugh to do that 😳#as previously stated i’m so so scared#idk i’m conflicted and need to over share about it#idk will continue flirting w that one friend tho#even though flirting with eachother is an ongoing joke in this friend group so i don’t think she would take it seriously lmao#was telling my dear good pal to come over and suck my fingers yesterday like that’s just how it is#anyway she’s cool and makes childrens books and stories and loves dinasours and is tall and can jump really high#we got drunk together at my friends bday and bonded and it was SO CUTE#also she cries a lot when she’s high but doesn’t notice (she’s not even sad there’s just tears lol)#ruh roh just typed that all out and realized it seems like i’m obsessed w her 😳#going to hit my head on a wall okay goodnight
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‼️‼️ APPRECIATION JUMPSCARE ‼️‼️
taz did you know. that you are one of my best friends and i love you so much. i dont tell you enough how much it puts a smile on my face to see you talking about your medias even when i don't know them or don't have the energy to read about them. i love how passionate you are about the things and the people that you love and i love how friendly and talkative you are. i love when you share your medias with others.
your ocs are so cool and unique. their designs are so creative and i've genuinely never seen anything like them before and i love them! I love how you do lore and your lore is so detailed and cool and creative. Your ocs' backstories are so believable and compelling and really make you want to learn more. And I love how you create OC designs that are simple and not too busy and yet convey so much!! You can really feel their personalities.
Your shading is admirable and something that really makes your art look professional. Your understanding of anatomy in particular is something I look up to you for as an artist. I love how you draw anatomy. It's so fun to look at and has helped me in my neverending quest to understand it myself. And your lineart is so simple and fluid yet also so detailed and conveys so much!! I absolutely LOVE looking at your lineart, it's so cool.
I'm so glad I met you, and so glad for your continued passion for your interests. And I'm so thankful for how accepting you've been through my own personal journey of discovering my gender and my sexuality and who I am. Just you being so open and so kind to me has changed my life, and I don't think I'm exaggerating. You inspire me every day with your stories and your unapologetic love for your interests. I will never be able to tell you the extent of all you've done for me just by being you. Thank you. I love you.
ohh my god... i love you. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so much
#YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME !!!!!#MY LIFE WOULD NOT NEARLY BE AS GOOD AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU#I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU#im tearing up rn genuinely#thank you. i love you#i hope we stay friends for as long as we live#i love you#answered#zaz!!#save#ive read this multiple times over#thank you. so much#sending that ask to the branzybuteverywhere account was the best decision of my life#you make me so happy i love talking to you#you are one of my closest friends#i love you.
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they r soooo. anyway
#lol um anyway . i kissed them for the first time yesterday but it literally feels like a yr ago but it also feels like today#on a bridge at night against a cityscape. river looked like a painting...etc it was nice . and then. yh theres a lot to talk abt#so i dont wanna say it all rn bc im tired but yeah. they r . sooo. pretty cool etc etc. whatever im fine im just . angry that i dont get to#see them that often bc they live in a diff city etc. also took them to a spot which usually is like . relatively busy bc london is busy all#the time but it was cold and it was at night so there were like 0 people there. the view was so good but other things were better#also kissing smn w a vertical labret is actually just >>>#lol en ee way i miss them#im soo overwhelmed w life rn and theyre not rly helping but like. in a good way#i told my friend to lmk if he notices that im becomjng too engaged w romance to the point where im neglecting academics#and he immidiately said it. like according to him im thinking abt her too much when i should be thinkint abt philosophy too much#which is like. idk if that's true bc ik he has a rly skewed perspective bf he kind of swore off datint#etc but at the same time . wbat if hes right. omg. but also let me have this Moment#that was last week when i was forcefully taken to manchester by a university society . like we hadnt even kissed yet#i fell asleep bc ive been so exhausted and when i woke up i realised they briefly appeared in a dream i had#and then i started tearing up out of Fear bc like . whenever ive lost smn i loved the dreams were the worst#like . good dreams. were horrible. and now its like what if this turns out horrible ? but i dont wanna self sabotage bc i rly rly rly like#them . i gave them a rose and on the train home i could stop staring at their hands holding the rose#and i know theyve liked me for months and i know theyve been waiting for months but somehow its still like#what if it just fades. whatever happens happens ig. i took them a leaf compressed in a poetry book from#a book shop we found on our second date tgth. they gave me a necklace w a small vial and a tiny flower inside#its so pretty. thinking abt the way they put it on me + when they wrapped their arms around me when i was cooking for them etc etc#im FINE its FINE its OKAY . whatever !!!!!#[chroma blue]
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omg ifnsnsna
#not that anhone cares but i need to say it rn for the RECORDS#im fucked up rn but i met a girl and im g#im convinced shes fhe love if ny life but we're ficked up and she lost her phone sp idk if ill ever speak to her eber again abd its#tearing me up to no fuckong end and idk idl idk cjcjdiqoskxkoApoffiqqkfbdjkx#good writing material ig maybe huhjd#ten.txt
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