#anything I wanna write is sad
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Vent
#I need a hug#I just feel like hopeless shit tbh#I wanna do something to cheer myself up but I'm just so depressed nothing feels worth it#I don't have any crochet inspiration#my hair is in a cloth so makeup would look good/feel worth it#anything I wanna write is sad#I just want something to make me happy rn but I'm not gonna get it :(#I don't even have the will power to do basic skin care rn#usually I feel a lil better after but ugh#I just...don't feel like i care about anything#I wish I could go completely nonverbal so that I wouldn't anger the people around me#all my life is consistent of is listening to people but no one listens to me#my dad thinks we talk a lot but really it's HIM talking and me going 'yeah' every now and then#he says its not true but it is#I never get to talk to anyone I never get to go off into my autistic rants like he does#my moods really fluctuating between feeling nothing and feeling like I need to c*t and d*e#I need a hug that I don't have to fucking ask for........#I'm either dazing and nothing or I'm barely holding in my tears#I wanna take a Tbreak cus I feel like that doesn't help#but it's really hard to NOT smoke when in pain#I dunno man my life just feels like it's never getting better.#I wanna be saved but that's never happening I'm not pretty enough to even hope that someone will finally give me my big break#feeling just hurts I wanna shut off but it's driving me mad
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Saying Sorry Will Never Be Enough
Feeling a bit angsty so I had this idea.
Danny is dating one of the Bats/Birds, and everything is going great, amazing even! They know each other secrets (from powers to everything etc), they have a wonderful place to live (even if its in Gotham), Danny is in college on the way to becoming a space engineer (and he does side jobs for unrestful ghosts), he's actually getting sleep again since leaving Amity Park, gets along with their friends and family (those who Danny or his partner still talk to, up to the writer), there is even talk about marriage and perhaps adoption/kids in the future between Danny and the Bat/Bird he's dating!
Everything is setting up for a good life in his future, something Danny didn't think could have after his accident. He was happy finally, and currently packing up his old apartment because he's moving in with his partner in a few days.
So he felt like his core was being pulled out of him when he opens his apartment door one day receiving a knock to find his parents, who had hadn't seen since they kicked him out of the house after coming clean about being Phantom (their words of anger and denial that their son was 'dead' and now a monster, still hurt)
Sure they didn't attack him or proclaim he's dead but still their last words and anger HURT.
Danny didn't give them a chance to open their mouths, both looking nervous and guilty, before he slams the door close and turns invisible, grabs his phone, and fly's out of his apartment to his partner's place in a panic attack.
His partner, isn't happy.
#danny phantom#danny fenton#crossover#dp x dc#blue rambles#danny phantom dc#writing ideas#random idea#dpxdc#Who Danny is dating is up to the writer/reader#Danny is happy only to feel dread when he sees his parents at his front door#Jack and Maddie have come to try to make amends#does it work? idk again leaving it open for people to play with#they didn't attack him after finding out he's Phantom or proclaim him dead but they said some nasty stuff#Danny booked it out of Amity after that though not wanting to risk it#Danny's partner isnt happy to find their boyfriend in a panic attack after getting a sos text#its been a few years since he and his parents have seen each other#Danny and his partner relationship with their own families/friends are once again left open for the writer/reader to play with#Is Danny still friends with Sam and Tucker? Or have they grown apart after Danny left? Was Sam upset he 'abandoned' Amity Park/her?#Was Tucker upset too? Idk again leaving it up to anything#Is he still in contact with Jazz? Or has she been pushing him to try to talk with their parents only it keeps rubbing Danny wrong#IDK I felt angsty today and wanna make some people join me in my sad corner. Join me. Join me. Join meeeeeeeeeee -pats seat next to me-
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——— COLD HANDS。 ★ sunday.
note; I don't think I wrote my boy sunday good enough to the canon..... anyways I took inspiration from the fact that my hands r always cold so why not 😈 (I totally didn't take a week to finish this hahahahah this turned out a lot longer than I expected,,,, over 2k.... 😦)
tagging; @aventurineswife :3
you could've barely noticed it at first, but the tips of your fingers were slowly growing numb as time passes, likely due to the cold humidity in the room. however, you hardly care, letting yourself sink into the serene stillness in the party car of the astral express.
it had always been a normal occurrence for your hands to feel much colder than anyone else's, and it was a bother at times when you would unintentionally graze your own hand against a part of your body — however, you managed to find a small advantage in it; often pressing your icy fingers against your friends' necks as a small, playful prank.
you can remember the priceless expressions on your fellow express members' faces whenever you pull such an act on them without their awareness and the thought of it barely makes you chuckle to yourself on any occasion. heh, the corner of your lips quirk up into a sly smirk without your intentions.
though you wouldn't recommend doing that to the conductor of the train...
pointer fingers lightly tap on each other with hands clasped together, you stay seated with legs crossed as your eyes occasionally scan the room carefully for a potential candidate to interact with. member or guest, you just want to talk to pass the time. (shush isn't really fun to converse with, in your opinion; other than those jokes, he's a gentleman but not quite interesting enough in your eyes. though you're curious about shush's creator; the one who made the mixologist).
the top of your shoe taps against the polished floor, in a steady rhythm made up by your mind — or coming from a song you had in your mind for a while now — while you eventually spot your victim possible conversationist.
a young man standing at the farthest corner of the cart, in a bicolored tailcoat and small wings behind his ears which are of similar tone to his muted blue hair as a golden halo floats behind the head. they flap and twitch from time to time and he is merely unbothered by the silence in the area (besides the sound of glass cups clinking from shush cleaning them and that lady in a purple veil looking over some tarot cards floating in her hands), the halovian simply stares about at the space outside the cabin with a sort of... longing look in his eyes.
...
ah, sunday — former head of the oak family and older brother of the interastral famous idol; robin. honestly; you weren't really involved in the whole penacony catastrophe since you, alongside dan heng, decided to stay behind in the express until you made the decision to go and went along with the archivist (and a certain galaxy ranger who was practically hijacking the parlor car, and with a gun pointed at the reserved train guardian no less) and then assisting the others in taking down that damned giant mechanical monstrosity and that damned giant mechanical monstrosity's sea angel-looking things.
and now with that event taken care of and calming down, it's a bit of a surprise when the guy who tried to basically kill the other astral express members aboards the same train that railed him over a couple times and is now trying to redeem himself from the goal where he tried to turn everyone's dream into a complacent bliss by taking everyone's free will & future in the process.
instead of the one who (though, unintentionally) almost ascended to aeonhood, sunday is reduced to a mere passenger on the express train you too aboard on. what a life turning of events.
and with the idea of spooking him as well settles at the top of your mind.
the mischievous thought solidifies, and your eyes gleam with a subtle spark of excitement. sunday seems like the perfect target — a mix of composed and distant, a far cry from the usual express members who might anticipate your pranks by now; considering how long it has been since you've been a member.
your cold fingers itch with anticipation, the chill now feels like an asset rather than a hindrance — and it feels like the oh-so perfect moment to do so.
you rise from your seat slowly, careful not to make a sound that would alert him to your approach, as your steps are light, muffled by the carpeted floor of the party car. the young halovian seems deeply engrossed in the view beyond the window, the distant in his gaze making you almost reconsider — just for half a second. however, the faint smirk creeping up onto your lips reminds you of your current goal.
and who are you to shy away so quickly from an itching opportunity to fill your satisfaction?
as you inch closer behind with the quietest of steps, his ear wings twitch slightly, making you pause your movements. they’re... quite delicate up close than you realized, the translucent blue edges of each pale feather shimmering faintly and you were almost distracted by them. almost.
why yes, you were curious about his halovian features but now's not the time to ponder, you...
with deft fingers, you gently brush aside a curtain of his muted blue hair, exposing the nape of his neck. it's quite warmer than you expected — soft, almost inviting — and, while at the back of your mind you were a bit baffled how sunday barely even noticed what you were doing, it takes every ounce of self-control not to giggle at the thought of what’s about to happen.
“ah, what’s the point of hesitation now?” you mutter under your breath before plunging your frozen-like fingers onto the bare skin of his neck—
—the reaction you got was instantaneous. sunday’s breath hitches audibly and a low, startled gasp escapes his lips as his entire body jolts from the sudden, icy shock at the nape of his neck; his posture was rigid as if struck by lightning as his ear wings snap open instinctively, flaring out like a startled bird's — the sharp motion sends a soft, fleeting breeze through the air, ruffling your hair slightly.
“by the stars—!” he gasps, eyes wide and glimmering like fractured glass as a hand flies up to cover the assaulted area as if to guard it from another ambush from your shenanigans. his intriguing golden halo hovering behind his head wavers slightly, tilting as though reflecting his momentary loss of composure, and his cheeks flushed a light peachy red from the heat of surprise.
the young man spins around after a small beat of silence with a sharp intake of breath, his expression a mix of shock and confusion, the serene mask he wore moments ago completely shattered.
your hands had already retracted when sunday covered the back of his own neck, and you can't help the laughter that spills out of you; unrestrained and shameless.
“wo—ow!” you manage between bouts of mirth, a hand barely covers your mouth to partially drown out half the noise you were making within the usually quiet cart. “that... that was... absolutely priceless, sunday...!” your voice wavers and slightly cracks at the end of your sentence, still carried by the remnants of your laughter; the amusement from the entire situation clearly written all over your face.
for a moment, he just stares at you, caught between the bewilderment and indignation of your little prank... then, his brows knit together in a way that’s almost endearing, and his lips press into a tight line. “what… was that for?” his careful voice carries the faintest tremor, as though he’s still recovering from the shock of the chill.
eventually, you've recovered from your little laughing fit enough to answer sunday properly this time, as a hand of yours reached up to wipe off a small tear from your eyes. “oh, come on,” you lightly tease, leaning against a nearby chair with a smug grin. “you were just.. idly standing over there, looking all broody and mysterious; I couldn’t resist.”
sunday exhales sharply, visibly trying to collect himself. his wings fold back into place with a soft rustle, and his hand lingers protectively over his neck before letting it hang by his side.
“I was merely... thinking.”
“hm? about what?” asked you while tilting your head.
the halovian hesitates as the faint blush lingering on his cheeks gradually fades, leaving his complexion noticeably paler. “nothing that concerns you.”
“huh, is that so?” you drawl, tapping your chin as if in deep thought. “perhaps I have just found a new mystery to solve — cracking sunday’s enigmatic shell.”
“i— don’t even think about it,” he mutters, though there’s a flicker of something in his tone — a hint of amusement, perhaps? the left wing behind his ear twitches subtly before steadying behind him, but the slight folding of both ear wings toward his face betrays his embarrassment.
amused by his actions, you chuckle to yourself again and fold your arms over your chest. “you’ll have to lighten up eventually, y’know sunny. can’t stay all reserved and quiet forever.”
“don't—” sunday abruptly stops himself, then he sighs in exasperation of your antics. “you’re insufferable. but please refrain from calling me that in the future.”
“and you’re fun to mess with.” you flash him a cheeky smirk, already contemplating your next move. after all, what’s life aboard the astral express without a little bit of mischief?
“also, why not? but, however, if that's what you want...”
as sunday just turns away to the side just a bit, you straighten up your posture, still all smiley and smirking whatnot. you can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment; breaking through the usually quiet halovian's composure felt like a minor victory in itself. the quiet hum of the astral express fills the air again as the moment between you fades into the serene stillness of the party car.
still, something about the faint blush lingering on sunday’s cheeks keeps tugging at your thoughts. veneath the cool exterior and formal demeanor lies a person who, much like everyone else aboard this train, carries their own scars and stories. you might be good at teasing and poking a bit here and there, but you’re not oblivious to the weight he seems to bear — especially with what happened in the recent events.
the mood shifts slightly as you observe him quietly — he has resumed gazing out the window, though his expression is much softer now, his wings no longer bristling but relaxed. the golden halo behind him stabilizes, the light coming from the lights inside the party cart casting a faint glow that makes him look almost ethereal.
“you know,” you say, breaking the silence. sunday still gazes into the galaxy beyond the window but he secretly listens to whatever you're about to say. “I’m not always about pranks — however, if you ever feel like talking about whatever’s on your mind, I can lend you an ear too.”
the young man turns his head toward you, his brows raise up a little in mild surprise. for a moment, he seems to study you, as if trying to gauge your sincerity — finally, he exhales, and a small, almost imperceptible smile touches his lips.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
the response is brief but carries a surprising warmth that wasn’t there before. you nod in response, satisfied, and let the quietness stretch out again. maybe there’s more to sunday than meets the eye, and perhaps, in time, he’ll let you see a little more of what lies beneath his enigmatic exterior in the near future of trailblazing expeditions.
the sliding doors to the party car slide open suddenly, and ever-so bubbly march 7th bounces in as her ever-cheerful energy fills the space of the previous serene atmosphere. “hey! what’s going on in here? did I miss something fun?”
you almost can’t resist glancing at sunday with a small mischievous glint in your eye, the latter in question softly groans and shakes his head to himself.
“oh, really nothing much. I was merely giving our newest passenger a warm welcome.”
the bubblegum-haired girl glances between the two of you, a bit curious what the two of you were doing a bit earlier. “huh.. really though? because it looks like you were up to no good again.”
“awh— wait, me? never,” you tilt your head slightly as your voice takes on an exaggerated tone of mock-innocence. behind you, sunday exhales sharply and his eyes narrow as he pinches the bridge of his nose. march 7th crosses her arms, arching a brow before both of them briefly exchange a shared look — one that speaks volumes about their exasperation.
as the conversation shifts to lighter topics, the laughter and camaraderie in the room slowly build, filling the once-quiet space with warmth and life. even the young halovian seems to ease into the dynamic, his reserved nature softening just a bit as he listens to the banter around him.
in this moment, you realize that life aboard the astral express isn’t just about the journeys or the destinations — it’s about the people you share them with, the stories you create, and the bonds you forge along the way.
and as the stars continue to streak past outside into the milky way, you can’t help but feel that this is exactly where you’re meant to be.
© thedemises 2024. all rights reserved. please do not plagiarize, copy, or feed my written works to ai.
#sunday my silly#i had a time writing on how to describe that “Harmonious Choir: The Great Septimus” like#٩( ᐛ )و#thedemises; writing#thedemises; honkai: star rail#honkai: star rail#hsr#honkai star rail#honkai star rail x reader#hsr x reader#reader insert#sunday x reader#hsr sunday#sunday hsr#sunday#sunday & reader#idk romantic platonic fork off this can be anything#🌹#:3#hsr writing#writing#sfw writing#hes my pathetic sad looking cat#halovian yeah whatever#also i might write about wonweek as welll cuz he silly too i wanna meet sassy wonweek hahahahhahaahahahhas#the amount of times i had to review this for any mistakes in my writing ...... lmaos >:D
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Can we talk about how fcked up Charles can be sometimes? Can we talk about how Charles can sometimes be actually scary as a person? Like he can legit be nefarious sometimes, but those moments are not as talked about as Erik's warcrimes (aside from the holocaust visions from TAS)
girlfriend i promise we're all very aware about how wack charles xavier can be and i assure you his nefarious moments are talked plenty from what i run into. like outside of this inbox most times you breathe charles' name to someone they'll be prepared to start swinging
#snap chats#its kinda funny tho. like out of all the charas ive fave'd over the years its funny how charles incites the most violence#and i get it i aint sayin it unfounded !!! just funny alright i stand with my problematic wife and all his wrongdoings. sometimes.#six decades of writers and writing decisions will lead to a lot of Girl What decisions#like marvel ruins. where charles is president. sorry girls im bringing it up if we wanna talk bout Fucked Up Charles#i mean those issues arent really. good. not just cause its grotesquely dark I Can Enjoy Dark And Gruesome Themes#the art's also hauntingly beautiful to look at its sad it's attached to such a nothing series. theres no real story ..#like i doint MIND dark or morally-dubious charles im a fan of it even when its done right or interesting#but thats where marvel ruins fumbles It Doesnt Do Anything Interesting with a morally corrupt charles#it just goes 'yeah hes fucked up and does terrible things now' like ok and .......... wheres the rest of the sauce ...#a less Gruesomely Fucked decision comparatively charles did was plant a virus on david because he didnt trust him Not to fuck things up#he regrets it like five seconds later after he realized How Fucked Up That Was but still ... charles ... im going to chokeslam you...#back to the main topic tho. its very funny because charles be catching strays on xmen twitter too#and i mean The Sincerest Of Strays tho i guess if you try Any xmen topic can go back to charles#but the post'll be bout an entirely different bloke or lass and theyll be wishing ill will on cue ball like girl he aint even HERE#anyway. yeah charles' imperfections is what makes him really interesting. to me. thank you#now for my next post to be an awkward juxtaposition to this one unless someone ones to throw in an ask last minute#and i mean very last minute i think i have all the tags typed up ont he other one vjeLKEJA
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Untitled Excerpt - E, NSFW
Established relationship, post time skip
sakuatsu wip
#ru.writes#sakuatsu#skts#sakusa kiyoomi#miya atsumu#um so its been over a year since I wrote anything#but i had a dream last night - it was more of a nightmare and well i needed to write it#posting only the good parts - hopefully its good?#its been over a year since i wrote but even longer since i wrote smut and well#this isnt really full blown smut but i am.. low key embarrassed to post this so be kind pls yall lol#if ya wanna know more then just ask or dm me on twitter#kiyoomi is gonna ask atsumu to marry him but sad happens ofc#bc who would i be if not the person to give you everything and then take it all away
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There's a severe lack of coffin sex in the AO3 tags when it comes to the vampire fandoms. I know Hellsing should have it, I think I've read a fic with coffin sex, but it is rare. Hell, Castlevania is also surprisingly lacking. It's surprising. Why the fuck are the vampire fandoms less horny when it comes to coffins, while the fucking Sims and SVSS seem to have it downpat with only one having it with vampires.
#it's both hilarious and sad#makes me wanna write a smut fic with this prompt#however I'm currently in the hellsing fandom#and a lesbian#so idk how to go about writing that considering Alucard is mostly male#and that one female form of his is like 12#anyway#enjoy my rambles#hellsing#vampires#coffin sex#honoray mention to Scum Villain's Self-saving system#I don't know how you are ahead of the vampire fandoms but you are#Castlevania#Dracula#this was brought to you by my partner telling me about their fandoms and my brain hyperfixating#feel free to add anything else#I'm sure I'm being broad#but it's really surprising and funny that the coffin sex tag is almost never used in the vampire fandoms#ao3#ao3 fanfic#ao3 writer
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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Quotes from me, exhausted and grieving:
“They go to sleepy town and I have much real estate”
“Yeah so I’m actually going to go up to the roof and I’m gonna descend in non traditional methods”
*At three am* “hey do u wanna hear about Batman and all his robins completely in depth curated entirely off of fan media and not at all based on source material since I have not read it? Cool! Okay! So basically—“
“Science is like oh this is so interesting!!! I want to die”
*sobbing and hyperventilating in the corner*: “I’m so sorry I’m being such a bummer right now I’m trying but I can’t stop crying
Roommate, horrified: what no-
“So I forgot I had a presentation and remembered I had a presentation but only remembered at two am so I wrote an incomprehensible script and raw dogged that shit four hours later no slides no practice just me god and the Dr Pepper I chugged. And yk what. I killed that shit.”
“I have a sort of manic depressed aura that draws in English teachers and compels them to let me do whatever the fuck I want. I’m not complaining but ethically is it ok for me to continue to be a sad wet cat in the eyes of humanities professors??”
“When you apply for college conceivably could you list only fans as an extracurricular. Like there are a lot of very specific scenarios that would need to happen regarding laws and age but like I feel it demonstrates certain business and entrepreneurship that could be a good addition to a college app.”
“I relate to Peter Parker in a sad, desperate sort of way. Like can I earn some super powers to go with this trauma. Please.”
Friend: how tf are you still showing pneumonia symptoms
Me: I feel we’ve established I am cursed
“See I already cried three times today so I’m gonna spend the next two days not processing any of my emotions in a dissociative haze and there is nothing that will mitigate that. I’m out of Mac and cheese cups.”
Me: So I stuck a cow to our next door neighbors door because I’ve got a sibling rivalry with one of them now—
Roommate: when did this happen?
Me: idk like 1am you gotta keep up bro
“My roommates go to sleep at normal hours and then I am up at three am and it’s like I am so sorry I am not awake because of an assignment I am just like this.”
“The doctors keep trying to fix me and it’s not working. My body has decided it doesn’t want to digest things again and also I stopped sleeping which means I think I’m becoming god maybe.”
#writing community#not writing#I have things I want to write and I can’t#I keep bursting into tears and then people are like are you okay and then I can’t tell them why I’m losing it#bc it’s depressing and I don’t wanna make them sad#discovered my way of grieving is just drowning myself in a massive amount of guilt#cant figure out how to not#anyways if anyone has anything to say to make me less lose my shit#pls say it#low key end of the rope here
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I cannot believe the wicked games Drabble was 5000 words long like basically a full ass fic and the low amount of notes it got…
#it makes my heart literally SINK like…#now how am I supposed to post wg4 which is 25k words????#it will not get any interaction and I’m just done#like I just cannot post it#it’ll legit kill me 🥲🥲🥲🥲 to see it flop#after I poured my heart and soul into writing something so fucking long and making sure it was good#just bc I knew I had to give you guys something long and exciting to read#but what’s the point#like I cannot believe it… I literally just cannot believe it and I don’t want to post anything anymore#omfg#I know many people will read this and roll their eyes and find this annoying#like I’m complaining or whatever#honestly think what you want to think#I’m just so shocked and legit unhappy#like so fucking unhappy#like bummed the fuck out#that it’s come to this#I don’t wanna post shit anymore lol#idk if it’s the algorithm or genuinely people don’t fuck with my fics anymore#I just don’t understand#but you guys have to understand how it would kill me on the inside if I posted a 25k fic and it got next to no interaction#like I just….#I’m scared it would make me quit writing completely#bc I’m THIS close#I feel so fucking sad bro idek#like it makes me wanna fucking cry#how… a few months ago everything was fine#now it feels like everyone’s gone#and I wasted my fucking time writing a chapter so fucking long that no one’s gonna read#WHY DID I WASTE MY TIME
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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How are you a germophobe and an emt? Not hating, just curious!
I mean I never said I was a good EMT lmaooo no but fr that's why I work at events and not on an ambulance, I get to stay outside and never have to be trapped in an enclosed area with someone who might be sick. Plus I am just an EMT, and I work with a paramedic, so he does the majority of the care while I document and get supplies/extra equipment. And I do get vitals the majority of the time bc usually the patients aren't obviously infectious and I'm chilling until they're symptomatic lmao. But yeah no overall being in the field is a terrible fit for me, but I've got all the knowledge and I'm damn good at teaching, and we get a lot of students, so I've got a good thing going where I'm at now 😌
#not snz#again tho i don't work much it's pretty per diem#i don't make enough per year to even have to pay taxes on it lmao#what's kinda funny/sad tho is that if the pandemic never happened I'd 100% be a medic by now#probably working for an actual emergency service#bc i wasn't nearly this much of a germaphobe before#like i didn't wanna get sick and had my little cleaning rituals and everything but i didn't care nearly as much#it's fucking obsessive now lmao like it's not good#a pandemic was my literal biggest “irrational” fear so I've never been the same since#which sucks bc i wanted this so desperately but i was so anxious and disgusted by everything when i did my clinicals#like there was just no way#but again i love teaching it and i really am super good with the book stuff so i have that going for me#thank god my partner is fine doing the majority of the patient care tho but it evens out bc i like to document and he hates that shit 😌#love writing the reports 😌#but yeah no this isn't a career move or anything this is just me stalling bc idk wtf to do lmao#i have ideas but there's nothing that makes me excited the way ems/fire does#so at this point in my life I'm just settling for the fact that any job i get will be for the paycheck only and i won't like it 😔#but anyway yeah this was the og dream job but the pandemic killed it so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#do not recommend this field if you're a germaphobe lmao i hate it here but i like my current gig so it is what it is
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realizing this is as good as it gets
#*unless i miraculously get medicated#cause as i am rn i am just Too Tired to make anything more of myself .... in all facets of my life#romantic life social life employment etc etc etc#i have enough to get by so things could definitely be worse#i just gotta come to terms with potentially (probably. almost certainly) spending the rest of my life as a khv recluse in a dead end job#with next to no friends or family..... le sigh#also the constant various body pains/Symptoms#if i was medicated i would at least have the attention span to really DRAW and WRITE again which could make me more friends#but alas im just drained all the time and its boooring boring boring boring im so bored#graaahhhhhhh. not super angry or sad about this^ rn just getting it out of my head for a little while#im gonna make dinneerrrr i wanna make more veggies in rice but i cant JUST have veggies in rice idk what to have with it grr#mumbling
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What if I do something I don't have literally any time for and write a les mis fic? For old times sake. What if I did that instead of studying?
#i will write a dynamic so thouroughly entreched it's like theyre bound by the same god#and that god is me#im just saying. ive got the nucleus of an idea and maybe i should make it exist as a lil bby oneshot#instead of working on the fic i wanna work on 😬#or again. doing anything useful or productive#but it calls to me. write a sad story of maybe mermaids and doomed prophets it says. make it a tragedy but only half sad#do my followers kno i used to b obsessed with les mis? do they kno my enjoltaire era?#do thry kno weird ideas used to burn thru my brain until i had to write thrm out while my head was on fire and i was swept away by the#desolation of my own mind? do thry kno? ya kno?#screaming crying and throwing up over something i dont have time for. ive got another wake to attend lol#and i didnt sleep too much last night. dogs woke me in the night with their howling#unrelated
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bleg
#delete later#venting in the tags#just ignore me im having a moment#whats even the point in writing anymore#im getting nowhere with it#I was excited to write today and work on it and now I dont even wanna touch anything ive made#theres no point becacuse whatever I write I cant actually write anything good#theres any other person that could do whatever lackluster idea I have better#im so angry and overwhelmed and I dont even want to write anymore#When people way younger than me do things so much better than I do#and ive been writing for almost 10 years and ive gotten nowhere with it#theres no point#i cant focus long enough to make anything good. everythingi s rushed otherwise I wont finish it#ill never survive trying to actually get publisjhed#because I cant do anything for longer than a day#this sucks im so angry right now and im sad and overwhelmed and I feel bad about my writing#and I want to punch something im so close to snapping right now
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my brain, for absolutely no reason whatsoever: hey what if we think about the sheer finality of death and have a crisis about it real quick
#WUH HUH WHY ARE WE DOING THIS!!! WY ARE WE DOING THIS BRAIN#THIS SHIT IS FUCKING SCARY I DONT WANNA THINK ABOUT IT#thunderclap#i will not put my thoughts in writing to not scare anyone either but hello!!! why!!!#im not feeling sad or anything or mentally unwell either this is just out of tha fuckin blue babey WHY#cherish the moments you have and the time that you have i suppose or the Thoughts are gonna getcha
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Fleki x lycion as was promised . They hook up and talk about how much they hate everything because what else did you expect
#by the will pf GOD this will post anyone who knows me and knows my writing idk why i wrote this really its not my best work . I do like it#i was too sad to write about my issues but i didnt want to not write anything at all so#dungeon meshi#the canaries#lycion#fleki#idk man im DOING BAD#i do wanna do something with the character but i feel like this was a very mid start . If i wanna write more chapters i dont want the fic to#i just am amazed by how transgender they are . Maybe ill write another chapter talking about that
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