#Danny is happy only to feel dread when he sees his parents at his front door

[bluerosefox]

Saying Sorry Will Never Be Enough

Feeling a bit angsty so I had this idea.

Danny is dating one of the Bats/Birds, and everything is going great, amazing even! They know each other secrets (from powers to everything etc), they have a wonderful place to live (even if its in Gotham), Danny is in college on the way to becoming a space engineer (and he does side jobs for unrestful ghosts), he's actually getting sleep again since leaving Amity Park, gets along with their friends and family (those who Danny or his partner still talk to, up to the writer), there is even talk about marriage and perhaps adoption/kids in the future between Danny and the Bat/Bird he's dating!

Everything is setting up for a good life in his future, something Danny didn't think could have after his accident. He was happy finally, and currently packing up his old apartment because he's moving in with his partner in a few days.

So he felt like his core was being pulled out of him when he opens his apartment door one day receiving a knock to find his parents, who had hadn't seen since they kicked him out of the house after coming clean about being Phantom (their words of anger and denial that their son was 'dead' and now a monster, still hurt)

Sure they didn't attack him or proclaim he's dead but still their last words and anger HURT.

Danny didn't give them a chance to open their mouths, both looking nervous and guilty, before he slams the door close and turns invisible, grabs his phone, and fly's out of his apartment to his partner's place in a panic attack.

His partner, isn't happy.

[ashisill]

Waited all my life.

Dad Josh that was supposed to be a blurb, but turned into my longest fic ever. Update I am going to make this into a part 2.

Warnings: pregnancy, birth (at home), mentions of childhood trauma, crying. If I missed any let me know.

~

Josh was in love with your baby the moment you found out you were pregnant. It started when you were a day late. No big deal it will come. Two days there’s still plenty of hope. Three … no worry. Then the two week mark hit, and you knew something was up.

“Josh I need to talk to you” you said sitting him down on the bed.

“Right now sweetheart? Jake and Danny are downstairs” he questioned.

“Josh it’s really important it can’t wait” you reassured him.

“Okay darling I am here talk to me” he took your hands into his.

“I am late”

“By how many days?” He asked.

You said softly “two weeks”

“Do you think it’s a possibility?”

“I feel weird Josh. I just can’t explain it”

“Okay darling I hear you. we’ll get a test and go from there okay? Don’t worry”

That’s all it took for him to hop in the car. He got you what you needed, making sure to bring a few of your favorite snacks back. You sat on the couch with Jake and Danny. Listening to all their crazy stories. Jake told you about the last time he took mushrooms, and all the wild shit that came with it. Danny added some stories of his own to the mix. Josh arrived back home with the box of pregnancy test in hand.

Jake stops mid sentence “pregnancy scare huh?

“Might be more than a scare”

~

You walked out of the bathroom, and waited for the timer. You got lost in the conversation. It almost seemed like that was Jake’s plan. He could tell your anxiety was through the roof. Every time he’d notice you starting to zone out he would bring you back. He did the best he could until that dreaded ringtone burst into the cozy conversation.

“Can I come with you or would you rather do it alone?” Josh asked looking down praying you’d let him in.

“Of course I want you with me silly” you laughed softly before opening the bathroom door. “You ready?”

He stared at the faced down pregnancy test, and took a deep breath“yes”.

You saw it

You knew it was true. Every emotion hit you at once. “Hey it’s gonna be okay. Lemme make sure” Josh took off sprinting into the living room. He grabbed the paper and there it said.

“Two lines” he said almost a whisper “Y/N TWO FUCKING LINES!”

He ran back as fast as he could. You felt like crying, but you didn’t want him to think you were upset. Instead you wrapped your arms around his neck giving him a kiss. “Your gonna be the best dad darling”

The rest of the night went well. Jake wrapped Josh in his arms for a long and tight hug. “I am so happy for you brother”. Jake knew Josh had always wanted to be a dad. Growing up he’d always dreamed of it. When they reached adulthood together he’d would always ask Jake if he ever thought about having kids. He’d tell him all his hopes for a future. Then he met you, and he told Jake it would be you. You would be the one to give him his dream. A little baby. A bundle of joy. A child to pour all his love into. Your the only one he’s ever thought about having kids with. He’s brought it up before, but never flat out asked if you were ready. Making little comments like “I just can’t wait to have kids”. “We’re gonna be such good parents one day”. Or when he sees a baby in public, and he gets a big warm smile “don’t you just want you one?”

A few days past he asked you about telling his parents. You talked about it for a while and decided to give them a call in the morning. The next day came and immediately he was on the phone telling his mom to get the next flight to Nashville. He spent all day pacing around the house. Cleaning things that didn’t to be clean, reorganizing, cleaning some more.

The front door opened no need for knocking. They reunited talking loudly over each other, and lots of hugs. It didn’t matter that you saw them all a week ago. Sam came in after his parents. Jake making a big entrance almost an hour after everyone arrived.

Jake and Josh headed outside to throw some food on the grill. You stayed in chatting with his family. They were pretty much your family at this point.

~

After everyone finished their meal Josh stood up. He signaled for you to stand with him, and so you did.

“Guys I need everyone’s attention” he kissed your forehead, and placed an hand on your belly. “We’re gonna have a baby. She’s pregnant”. That’s all it took for everyone to be back on their feet. Hugging the both of you. A few tears were shed from his momma. You loved her dearly. Karen was the first one to take you in, and treat you like her own.

You looked over at Sam to find his jaw dropped. “No words Sammy?”

“I am so fucking happy for you” he ran and wrapped you in a hug. You were surprised by this Sammy was never affectionate towards you. In return you hugged him tighter, and stayed there for a while.

Papa Kiszka noticing jakes nonchalant reaction he asked him about it. Jake explained that him and Danny were there you found out. Karen was very jealous. She would have loved to of been there when you found out. She’s been waiting for grandkids. She always said Josh would be the first to give her some. Guess moms are always right.

~

The next 9 months we’re spent planning, and heavy thinking. Karen there every step of the way. Sometimes getting to much in your business, and josh getting annoyed at her. You always reminded him how lucky he is to have her. Your mother wasn’t quite the mothering type. Hence to all your childhood trauma. You knew you would never let your kid grow up the way you did. That’s why you decide to not let her know you were pregnant. You didn’t want her involved with this life your creating. She always ruined yours. You never want your baby to feel how you had too.

You and Josh being the non traditional people that you are. You’ve decided to an at home birth. A water birth. Karen supported your decision adding that the hospital is very pushy. Plus all the hospitals policies were something Josh and you didn’t agree with. Knowing Josh would end up with wrinkles and grey hair with all that stress before the baby was even born. After all you didn’t want to be told how to give birth. It’s your body’s natural process, and not a medical emergency. You two like to do things a natural way. That meaning literally everything you two did.

Of course you made sure this was completely safe to do. Making sure you weren’t high risk, and assuring the babies safety.

~

Names names names.

“What about _?”

“You really wanna name our kid _? Do you want our poor baby to get made fun of?”

“Okay then. Your so dramatic mama. What about this one?”

“Joshua really”

“Well considering we planned on not knowing the gender till birth it has to work both ways”

“I’ve got one … River”

And it stuck.

~

A couple weeks past and Josh’s family had a huge family gathering. Celebrating a few birthdays that were past or coming up, the boys success with the band, and to announce your baby on the way. You two slept over that night to help set up the next morning. Josh woke up, and decided to let you sleep. He covered the blankets back over you, and headed for the kitchen. You awoke about an hour later not feeling so well.

“Good morning my pretty girl” he kissed your forehead. “How’s our baby?” He bent down kissing your stomach.

“Babies good. I am not feeling so great though” you told him. “ I feel like I am gonna be sick”

“Oh it’s morning sickness my dear” Karen told you finishing up breakfast.

You felt it rising, and looked around frantically for a safe place. Josh could tell by the look on your face what was about to happen. “Trash can sweetheart” he quickly walked you to it.

You felt terrible even tho you couldn’t help it. Tears threatening your eyes, and you tried to hide them well. “Hey don’t even worry about it sweet girl”. Josh’s kind words making you want to crawl into his arms and cry. “Don’t cry angel”. He swiped his fingers under your eyes to dry up any tears.

You apologized to Karen she just waved her hand, and said “you have nothing to be sorry about. Trust me I’ve had four kids I know how it feels”. Josh took you to the bathroom to run you a shower. He sat on the bathroom counter and talked to you as you cleaned up. After, you greeted his family and announced the news again, but to a bigger crowd this time.

~

Around three months in you and josh started on the nursery. You painted the walls a beautiful shade of light blue. One evening you went to the store to grab a certain snack. Pregnancy cravings are no joke. You came back to find josh painting little clouds on the wall. He picked the wall the crib was going on.

“Josh” you said looking at the clouds.

“I got carried away we can paint over them I just-”

“No no no love it’s perfect. The baby is gonna love em” you said tearing up. Surely just the pregnancy hormones, but this was a beautiful moment. “Awe baby don’t cry” he took you in a hug. “I am glad you like them”

~

Nearing the time of your due date Karen stayed with you. She slept in the guest bedroom so you never had to be alone. One night you’ve began feeling contractions, so Karen started timing them. You were in pain, but enough to function. You moved around a a yoga ball josh insisted you buy. Josh began playing music through the speakers. At this point joshs closest family was there. Along with your closest friends.

“Come dance with me darling” josh held his hand out.

You giggled through the contractions “josh I can’t”.

“Don’t lie to me” he joked “C’mon on ya feet I’ll hold you up”.

How could you stay no to that?

You began dancing more like waddling around with josh. Then suddenly the feeling of water dripped down your legs. You looked down immediately knowing what just happened. Josh knew too “Her water broke!” Josh shouted.

Everyone sprung into action. The midwife was called and the small circular inflatable birthing pool was put up. You got in the pool with help from josh.

Only Karen, josh, and the midwife were in the room now. Giving you your space as they all waited anxiously in your living room.

“I can’t josh” you cried in pain.

“Yes you can your so fucking strong” josh stood on the side holding you up as you bent over the pool side.

You gripped Josh leaving finger nail prints on his arm.

“Your almost there I promise” Karen told you.

You squeezed the fuck out of Josh’s hand as he talked you through it. “It’s almost over darling. I am so fucking proud of you” his eyes started to swell this tears. “I am so proud of you” he whispered.

One final push

The moment you waited 9 whole months for was before you. A thousand feelings hit you. Sad? Happy? Relieved? Pain? No a feeling that didn’t have a name. You couldn’t explain it because you’ve never felt it before. I sense a change. Protectiveness. A motherly feeling.

The midwife carefully examined, and lifted the newborn out of the water. The gender was announced, and josh started crying harder. The baby was laid on your chest as tears streamed down your face.

After some time the question was asked “Anyone cutting the umbilical cord?”

Josh’s eyes met yours. “Would you like to?” You asked him.

“I would love to”

He was showed where to cut it once he lined it up he asked if it was right just to make sure. He got the go ahead, and cut the umbilical cord.

~

You josh got a moment alone.

“May I?” Josh said asking to sit in the water with you.

“Please” you said. When he sat down softly you handed him his daughter. Karen being the only one beside you two who knew the gender yet.

“She’s so beautiful” he began to cry. “Just like her mama. I am so happy to meet you baby” He rambled to his daughter for quite some time.

“I’ve waited all my life for you”

An hour past and your excitement grew “When do you want to show them?” You asked.

“Whenever your ready mama” he said handing her back to you. You told him you were, but asked if he wanted to let Jake announce the gender. He got teary eyed again more than happy to let his twin be involved. When Karen came back you requested Jake come in alone for a minute.

“They said there about ready, but they’d like Jake to come in alone first” Karen said.

“Me?” Jake stood up and gently opened the door. He immediately washed his hands before heading over to you.“Oh my god. It’s not bald” he laughed.

“No she’s not” you laughed.

“It’s a girl” he smiled “I fucking knew it”

You started handing River over to Jake. “Are you sure?”

“Yes of course. We want to ask you something as well” you said looking at josh to finish.

“Would you like to announce the gender?” Josh said.

“I would fucking love to. Are you sure?” You both nodded, and looked down at the infant in his arms. “Hey little girl it’s uncle Jakey. Well aren’t you just the prettiest”

You watched josh and he looked at Jake with complete love in his eyes. Watching his twin brother hold his daughter made all this seem real. Tears ran down his face again making you start to cry.

“Oh god don’t do that” Jake said looking at you two. He looked down again “your gonna make me cry to pretty girl” his eyes began to water. He looked up and took a breath refusing to let them fall. “Emotional moment ay?”

You laughed at Jake’s attempt to stop the tears.

“Ugh I guess I gotta share ya huh? You ready to meet em sweetheart?”

~

Everyone was called in, and the room was filled with love as everyone gasps and cooed at the newborn. Jake still held her in his arms as his sister Ronnie tried to take her.

“Back off” he joked. “I’ve got news folks” the room went quite “Rivers a girl”.

As calm and relaxed as Karen’s been the whole journey you began to watch her eyes swell. Not only was it her first granddaughter, but that josh needed Jake to be included. No matter how old they may get they still needed each other. As much as you’d need oxygen to breathe. Even though this was Josh’s moment he needed Jake to share it with.

[impyssadobsessions]

Halfa-Jazz idea

(Warning mentions sort of suicide) Ok basing off the idea that Danny doesn't age/immortal. Jazz does something reckless so Danny doesn't have to be alone. Thus repeating how Danny died in order to become a halfa.. like him. Because Vlad still ages just slowly due to how he became half ghost. She understands its stupid, reckless, and has a chance it will just kill her. She KNOWS this, but the idea of leaving Danny ALONE kills her. (literally) She the first one to realize (besides Danny) or at least to accept the horrible truth that he isn't aging. She even goes to Clockwork alone to confirm this.

Thats when the gravity of situation sinks in for her. Danny becoming his worse nightmare is still a possibility and he will have eternity to fear it. Possible he will not grieve properly because he refuses to become Dan and hurting himself further. She knows there is a high possibility that she could just naturally become a ghost when she dies, because of all the ecto-contamination she has and how she couldn't die peacefully knowing her brother won't have someone that could support him. Clockwork and Frostbite and Pandora will be there, but he will neglect his humanity, which is what helps separate him from Dan. Jazz waits, and thoroughly thinks this through. Jazz until she realizes its almost an obsession. She knows Danny be against it. Maybe even hate her for doing that to herself, but she can't let it go. So she plans it. She already finished college at least her first 4 years, is at her parents home. Their parents are off ghost hunting trip. Probably in summer where Sam and Tuck are back in amity and Danny gone to visit them. Danny doing classes online and helping at home, but mainly just dealing with ghosts. Jazz realizing she may never get another chance, she heads down to the basements and shut down the portal. Take a great effort to do, or maybe their parents shut it down before they left. She sets everything up to how it was before Danny passed. Whole time telling herself, its ok. Prays that she at least comes back as a full ghost so she can tell Danny its not his fault. Her knowing this is stupid, and awful. But she can't see any reason not to. Besides she was happy with her age and body, it wouldn't be so bad to stay this way... right? Makes sure she in some comfy clothes with a hood, didn't want to be stuck in pjs. She only hesitates for a moment when she inside the portal, it plugged in, ready to press the button. Staring in horror at the char marks in the shape of her brothers shadow. Then she presses it, praying Danny forgive her as she just kept her thoughts on returning to Danny. Danny feels it. Feels the dread from wherever he is, rushing home. Something telling him that something is wrong. Gravely. Yelling for Jazz, his breath fog as he rushes into basement. Stopping dead as he sees a ghost with blue hair laying on floor in front of the portal. Jazz comes too, just like ouch eoe. "When Danny said it hurt, that was an understatement." Danny collapsing beside her, in complete shock. His brain trying to register what happen. just barely managing a whispered, "Jazz?.... What did YOU do!?" Jazz realizing Danny was there already, chuckling nervously. ".....Something.. admittedly dumb. But hey! It worked. heh." It makes their relationship strained for a little while. Danny conflicted because he wants to be mad at her, but also wants to make sure she doesn't have a hard time like he did. Can see him and Sam and Tuck all lecturing her about how dumb that was. And Danny telling no one to get any ideas. Tucker like, I saw how painful that was.. no ty. Jazz can't really argue, because she knew it was. She knew the risks. She just so glad it worked, but trying her best to suppress that glee because of how upset Danny is. She knew it was wrong, but can't regret it at all. Danny and Jazz do end up talking about it over time. Danny finally realizing what Jazz was getting at. He still feels guilty but he can't help but feel a little bit relieved that she'll be there for him. Always. Also not

all angst. Lots of funny stuff with Jazz learning how to be half ghost, and Danny being the overprotective one and stressing about it. Danny like "GEEZZ JAzz... I can't have been this bad!" "Right, little brother! You were worse." - Jazz also getting perspective on how being a ghost or at least how being a half ghost actually affects things. She knew it was different from what Danny mentioned, but now she knows HOW different. Even scolds him a few times. "DANNY! HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME?!!! You've been dealing with THAT ever since?!!!!" "It was kind of hard to explain JAZZ!" - When they been immortal a while, can see them hoping time or universes pretending to be Mother and Son. Knowing Jazz look a bit too young to be Danny's mom, but also was WAY easier to pretend that then siblings when going incognito. So crossover potential. Danny never having to really worry when he goes to school to pretend he just a teenager either, because he knows his stuff. Makes school more boring BUT he knows he can live easier too. Interesting to compare differences between generations or universes events. Probably the most fun he get in school... plus being the creepy new kid. That is also fun. While Jazz keeps being a psychologist in a way. Studying different psyches of ghost and criminals, becoming really good at figuring how people tick. Her ghost abilities reflect that. Sometimes them tag teaming as sneaky heroes for the day. Them also using mom and son, so Danny doesn't have to keep up with their new names all the time. Jazz using son or sweetie like their mom did, when she cant remember off the top of her head. Plus its an inside joke between them. Danny saying ok MOOOOM. They find humor in it, since Jazz use to be teased for sounding like one. Jazz never once regretting her decision. -- Just my ideas on how they can be halfa siblings lol

[burning-clutch]

Shielded From The Truth

Cross posted on A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30441042 -.-.-.-.- Warnings: Mild wounds. Number two in the phic phight! When his parents put a shield up around Casper high to keep the ghosts out, and it means that Danny’s day hardly goes to plan. And he was so close to being on time for once too…. PHIC PHIGHT 2021 For team ghost! -.-.-.-.-.- Prompt by: Silverwing013 Danny's parents have kindly offered to set up a ghost shield generator for Casper High. Hijinks ensue as Danny attempts to handle the situation. 

-.-.-.-.-.-

Danny groaned as he only half listened to his parents rattle off whatever ghost nonsense they were going on about as he ate his breakfast. A bowl of dry cereal because the milk was contaminated and he really didn’t want to chance it giving him more than a stomach ache. This had become the norm this week it seemed as his parents seemed invested more than usual into the ghost shields that they had been working on and improving.

Why only shields? They would be installing one in the school soon… but beyond that? He wasn’t sure. They probably told him, sure, but being a teenager and one that had parents that hated half of him, had the effect of making him only lightly listen to the weapons and things that were meant to fully kill him off. That and at least the ghost shields weren’t usually a hindrance to him, in fact, they had proven themselves useful on a few occasions.

Plus he had the added advantage of being able to simply return to his human form and slip through the shield with little issue. Given his parents had no knowledge of half ghosts existing, at least he hoped not, they shouldn’t be designing a ghost and human shield. After all, that would defeat the purpose, right? It wasn’t as if Amity really had any human threats anymore.

Well, regardless of the eccentricities of his parents he could at least take some comfort in the fact that Skulker couldn’t simply attack the school to get to him any longer.

Small mercies he supposed.

Danny blinked as his father said something to him before slapping him on his back causing the teen to practically choke on his cereal from the force of the smack. “Isn’t that just great Dann-o?” the large man exclaimed happily before looking at his son expectantly. Oh great, he wanted him to ask something? Great.

“S-Sure” Danny choked out as he flailed, grabbing in front of him for the orange juice he had nabbed from the fridge, it thankfully hadn’t been in there long enough to start glowing… yet…

He shook his head as he finally got his breath back without inhaling dry cereal pieces into his lungs. When he was sure he wasn’t going to sound like some dollar store squeaky toy he tried to ask his parents a question, always a dreadful time if he were honest, but hey, he would usually be late for school anyway.

“So this will go around the whole school?” Danny tried weakly.

“Yep! And the best part is it’ll sense where there's an evil ectoplasmic entity nearby and spring up instantly! We made sure there won’t be a ghost within Twenty feet of the school before that puppy jumps up to the rescue! Like a big Fenton airbag!” Jack exclaimed all too enthusiastically for what the current time in the AM should allow a normal person to exhume.

Danny hummed noncommittally and sent a glance of ‘help me’ to his sister, who, in turn, rolled her eyes at her little brother. “And the shield even uses the ghost’s power to run the shield right?” Jazz asked side eyeing her father from her own spot not wanting to fully engage in the conversation they were having.

“Oh, yea! That’s the best part!” Jack practically cheered out.

“And the stronger the evil skum is the faster the shield will react and sooner it will be picked up. It will only go off on a level three or higher.” Maddie explained with a pleasant smile as she sips at her coffee.

“And we got it all finished last night to be ready for you kids today” Jack added happily.

“Hooray, more fun on a Monday” Danny sighed out into his last bites of cereal. Jazz snorted but didn’t comment, though Danny blew her a childish raspberry.

Jack continued to go on about the more intricate details of the shield they had put up though only one thing really caught his attention in the spiel, “-And Vladdie helped with the funding to outfit the school! Even helped us get the materials we needed to make such a large shield!”

“Ah, there it is…” Danny groaned letting his head fall forward onto the table in instant defeat.

“Danny! I really wish you would learn not to stay up so late playing video games! Look at you! If I get another call from one of your teachers about you sleeping in class-” Maddie started only for Danny to cut her off jumping to his feet.

“Yep! Thanks for that, mom! Look at the time! Love you bye!” Danny prattled off quick as could be before grabbing his book bag by his feet and bolting like a scared rabbit. After all, if his mother never finished that sentence when he inevitably fell asleep he couldn’t be grounded… she never officially gave him the last warning…

That’ll work, right?

It wasn’t long when he was out of the house that he was at his usual waiting spot for Sam and Tucker. Unsurprisingly, Sam got there first though they didn't have to wait long for Tucker to lumber forward, half asleep to his friends, and together they made their way towards the school as a unit.

Things seemed well enough until he got onto the stairs leading up to the main doors. That was when all hell broke loose. A deep alarm sounded before his father’s voice rang out from the speakers, in his over the top cheery way that only Jack Fenton knew how to pull off.

“Attention kids! Guess there’s an evil spook nearby so we’re deploying the shield! This ghost protection was brought to you by Fenton-works and sponsored by your mayor!”

Danny frowned. “My ghost sense didn’t go off…” He mentioned quietly to his friends.

“Maybe the shield sensors are more sensitive than you are?” Tucker asked with a frown.

“Since when?” Sam argued incredulously.

“Well who or whatever it is, it isn’t bothering me right now and no one’s screaming, no one’s panicking, so it can wait. I’m actually going to be on time for once!” Danny says waving the notion off.

He continues his trek up the stairs and towards the doors of the school, though when he reaches the threshold of the shield he finds himself having to really push hard against the thing. It was like hitting a wall of foam or Jell-O. He could push through if he pressed hard enough but it was not pleasant or as easy as going through the air.

Once through the initial shield wall, he blinked slowly feeling sluggish and as though all his limbs were moving through water. He even sort of felt like he was having to ‘swim’ as he walked like he was both heavier and lighter than he should be, but unable to find that buoyancy happy middle ground.

“Dude…” Tucker said smartly as he frowned at his friend’s almost slow motion, yet stop motion like movements. It was eerie, to say the least, not to mention the more pressing issue that he noticed right off the hop, “Your eyes are shining, man. And your, um… Neck...”

Sam, ever prepared for whatever bull their lives seem to throw their way, slipped her bag around to her front and offered Danny a pair of sunglasses, which the halfa put on promptly, along with the spider webbed patterned black and silver scarf.  “I mean, it’s better,” Sam argued, not even giving Tucker's look of disapproval her full attention.

“They’re spider glasses.” The boy states with a shake of his head. “Not really digging the whole-” Tucker waved his arm about Danny’s head in little circles, “-pseudo goth thing” he finished finally. Though he had to admit it was at least marginally better than seeing his friend’s glowing eyes and the electric scars showing up on his neck and disappearing under his shirt collar.

“Better?” Danny asked out sluggish, his voice almost sounding like it was being drawn out on a tape deck that was starting to lack battery power and not playing at quite the proper speed making the pitch and timing slower and lower.

Sam and Tucker shared a look before offering a thumbs up to their friend, both deciding it better not to address… whatever that was… The look they shared between one another spoke of their mutual hope that this would perhaps be one of those problems that simply go away on its own.

Ignoring the problems they have usually makes it go away… Yeah, that always works out.  

Danny makes a grab for the door to pull it open again, having that weird slow stop motion effect, like he was flickering between blinks rather than making a smooth motion forward. “Ehm, maybe don’t move around too much man… it’s um… creeping me out.” Tucker offers helpfully.

“Huh?” it took Danny a minute to process, as while he looked slow to them they seemed to be hyped up on caffeine to him… “Why are you talking so fast?” He wondered, his head almost appearing to glitch into a tilted and confused look.

“I think the ghost shield is making you go all slow motion. Just stop talking.” Sam says forcefully before letting out a shudder of her own.

Sam and Tucker share a glance before they each grab onto one of Danny’s arms and half drag him off to his locker. Despite his friends’ efforts he still got many looks shot his way, and a couple of people started whispering to one another as he passed by them.

“How is this going to work if I’m already weirding everyone out?” Danny asked, voice still sounding like a slowed record as he blinked sluggishly and his head jerked almost unsteadily from side to side. From his perspective, everyone was speeding along and talking at 1.5 times the normal speed.

“Maybe I should look for the ghost that triggered this, maybe Tuck, can you look into this mess?” Danny asked after a moment of trying to figure out what was being said around him through the noise of the hall.

“Yeah that might be best…” Sam responded shifting from leg to leg as she locks eyes with a basketball jock who was staring at their group incredulously.

“I got you, man, I’ll change everything to present and, block any ‘call home’ recommendations.” Tucker pipped up already pulling out his PDA to set that up preemptively.

Danny nodded and let out a hum before glitching his way out the nearest exit and out of the shield’s bounds. Once he slipped back out through the barrier, strangely enough, a harder feat than it was getting in, but that wasn’t a problem he wanted to focus on, he already blamed Vlad so he would simply continue to do so until the fruitloop showed himself.

As soon as he was through the green line of the shield Danny practically fell forward in relief. That stifling feeling now gone from his core and bones making his movements fluid and normal, well as normal as a clumsy half ghost could be anyhow…

It was a moot point and not one Danny wanted to think on too long. He gave a quick “thanks” to his friends, before diving between the dumpster and the school’s bricks, transforming into his ghostly alter ego and taking off into the sky. He would do a few laps around the school and city as he looks for whatever ghost set off the shield.

-BREAK-

It wasn’t until lunchtime Danny returned looking much more windswept and all around more miserable. He entered the courtyard through the side joining his friends out on the picnic table they had claimed.  He made it over to them, flopped down on the bench next to tucker with a groan before his head smacked into the table before him.

“You find them?” Tucker asked around whatever horrid monstrosity of a sandwich he was eating, spewing bits of half chewed bred at Danny’s head.

“No” Came the muffled reply, filled with tired disdain.

“No ghost sense?” Sam wandered, flicking the bits of bread from Danny’s raven hair and back towards Tucker.

“No”

“Huh… You think it was you who set off the shield?”  Sam wondered with a thoughtful frown.

“When I went into the back end of the generator though it wasn’t supposed to go off for anything that low, Danny in human form is like a two at best,” Tucker argued spinning his PDA around to show what he’d found when he hacked into the motherboard of the Fenton’s latest device.

Danny groaned. He supposed had he listened to his parents he could have been more prepared for whatever lunacy his parents’ decided to toss his way but alas, his short attention span and teenage rebellion and lack of caring got the best of him yet again.

Joyous of joys.

He tuned out his friend’s back and forthing for a bit, wondering if he could get away with smashing the device as Phantom when Tucker had his a-ha moment of discovery. Danny turned his head and raised a brow at his friend who was furiously typing away at his device.

“You were right about Vlad, Sam”

“Naturally,” She agreed.

“Well, he had an over right line here specifically set for Phantom’s ecto- signature,” the boy states running his finger along the line of code he’d found in the program.

Danny’s mood instantly brightened at that. “So then we just get rid of that bit right? And BAM everything’s fine?” He asked. “Man, what happened to me? Why do I want to get into the school again?”

“To keep up the illusion of normalcy on this mortal plane.” Sam supplied stabbing at her salad a little more forcefully than she probably needed to.

“Eh, yeah, I suppose.” Danny agreed with a lacklustre shrug.

“There, that should do it” Tucker spoke, interrupting whatever tangent Sam was getting ready to spew off about how normalcy was only an illusion created by corporations or some other such thing.

“And just in time The bell just rang,” Danny says with a small grin clasping a firm hand onto his friend’s shoulder. “Nice one Tucker!” he cheered as the trio made their way over to the doors that would lead them back into the cafeteria.

Unfortunately, as soon as Danny’s hand hit the door handle the shield once again sprung to life, though this time, instead of simply having a hard time passing through the shield, he was thrown back across the field earning a cry from several students who were following the trio.  

“Grapes of wrath Mister Fenton!” Lancer, (of course it was Lancer) shouted out in worry, his shout even carrying over the prerecorded message containing his father’s voice. Lancer half jogged half waddled over to Danny who blinked up blearily to his teacher, eyes flashing green for the briefest of seconds before draining back to blue.

“Leave it to Fen-turd to get himself possessed.” Dash snorted from behind the pot bellied teacher earning a few nervous glances between the small crowd of gathering students. The mutterings of the students didn’t take long to start up after that.

“I’m not possessed,” Danny argued, though, it was rather hard to make said argument when the palm of his hand was burned and leaking ectoplasm from where he had touched the door.

“Course he’s not possessed! He’s a ghost himself!” Wes shouted pointing an accusatory finger at the youngest Fenton.

Danny glared. “Not the time Westly.” He muttered under his breath as he was hauled to his feet by his friends. He tried to brush himself off only to end up smearing the ectoplasm from his hand onto his jeans, leaving a luminescent streak across his thigh.

Seeing his chance the ginger jock was all too eager to point it out. “See look! He’s bleeding ectoplasm!”

“No, I’m not! It’s from the shield! it sputtered out at me.” Danny tried to protest, though even in his own ears it sounded like a weak argument.

“Really?” Wes argued and marched over to the shimmering shield. The teen waved his arms about freely in the shield’s range hopping back and forth pointedly across the line of the barrier before showing his hands and clothes were completely clean of any glowing goo. “See! Ghost!” he accused again after he did a little pirouette to show his lack of ectoplasm.

“Yeah? Well, it sputtered at Danny only ‘cuz it turned on with him in the threshold.” Sam tried to argue back glaring at the ginger, venom in her gaze.

“Well then, why don’t you just walk through the shield Fen-toad?” Dash said with a smarmy grin, ever eager to get his own jabs in and seemingly not wanting to be outshined by the ginger conspiracy theorist’s bullying of his favourite punching bag.

“Fine” He spat back bitterly and marched up to the shield with a huff.

Sam and Tucker exchange a glance with one another as Danny presses his hand into the shield again. Thankfully this time there wasn’t anything that blows him back but he also really had to try and push through the shield.  

Danny could see out of the corner of his eye Wes’s smug grin as he grunts and does his best to push through the shield. His persistence is rewarded and he falls to the ground on the other side jumping up and giving a quick ‘HA!’ as he faces the small gathering crowd of students shifting uncomfortably just beyond the shield.

Sam had a look of exasperation and she looked like she was trying to restrain herself from face palming. Tucker on the other hand had no such restraint. He was almost over eager to bury his face into his hands.

From Danny’s perspective, he simply smacked into the ground and stood back up, but from the other students’ perspectives, Danny fell into the shield but instantly slowed down, looking as though he were falling with the moon’s gravity rather than the earthly speed everyone was used to. It also didn’t really look to them like he had hit the ground, instead glitching his body back into an upright position before cheering in that low slow motion state as he had earlier.

And if that wasn’t damning enough his eyes were glowing a lovely shade of ectoplasmic green.

Wes smirked, seemingly very smug and content with himself and this development. “See told you all he was a ghost!”

“T-that’s enough Mister Weston… Right…” LAncer muttered to himself a few moments watching as Danny seemed to glitch about as he cheered before seemingly realizing something was wrong. “I think there was a procedure to depossess a student…I bet the teachers in Bridgestone don’t have to exercise their students in this manner…” He complains. Sure they had gym class and he would appreciate the pun and irony if he wasn’t so tired.

“I don’t get paid enough for this,” he muttered, ignoring the look of panic that spread across Danny’s face.

It took some doing, a lot of flailing limbs and pressing himself against the damn shield, but Danny soon was through back out and free. His eyes still glowed brightly as he stared at his classmates looking very much like a deer in the headlights. Eyeshine and all might he add.

A few of the students were snickering, because only in Amity park could one get possessed by a ghost and have it come across as though someone had merely said something embarrassing or misheard an instruction and was now staring blankly ahead.

“Er….” Danny stared at his classmates half panicked before simply vanishing from view.

“Moby Dick!” Lancer exclaimed, almost dropping the book he was thumbing through from the Fenton parents. Sure it was a ghost, and could potentially be dangerous, but it wasn’t attacking so there wasn’t really anyone panicking.

Instead, the teacher simply felt tired. “Right, I’ll call the Fentons and let them deal with this, Everyone back inside I do believe the lunch bell rang already!” the teacher called out shooing the students into dispersing.

Danny stood there invisibly and holding strong as he internally groaned. At least they thought he was possessed, that could be easily explained away but he was not looking forward to trying to explain it to his parents…

Still maybe if he gets ahead of this…

It was with that thought in mind that he bolted away into the treeline beside the school, transformed and headed off to his home landing in his bedroom only a few minutes later. He went human, back intangible and invisible came out the door, made sure the coast was clear before speeding his way down into the basement.

He just made it down the stairs startling his mother and father who blinked at him curiously, when the phone rang cutting off his mother’s “Honey? What are you doing home so soon?”

“It’s the school calling Mads,” Jack says, sounding disappointed as the large man sent a look of disapproval to his boy.

“Wait!” Danny jumped forward answering the phone and instantly hanging it up.

“Daniel!” His mother exclaimed abashedly.

“I wanna explain first! Do you know how all your stuff goes off on me? Well, the shield at school started doing that and they think I’m possessed! I’m not, it's just the… ya know…” Danny rambled off hurriedly hoping against hope that his parents wouldn’t try to send him to decontamination … again… (Thanks to his ghost half, it burned in places he didn’t ever want to burn)

“You’re possessed Dann-o?!” Jack exclaimed instantly pulling a Fenton gun from somewhere on his person and brandishing it towards his son.

Danny threw his hands up and waved them placatingly at his father. “NO! Just the normal stuff! The contamination from the portal accident set it off. I got too close to the sensor!” He says quickly ignoring how his parents seem to flinch slightly.

His parents shared a look before his father seemed to deflate, seemingly upset at the fact his son wasn’t possessed. “I thought we fixed that... “ Jack says with a frown. “But, we can’t let the school know we may have messed it up! I know we’ll just run the tests again and fix it in the night!”  

“Yeah, that would be- Wait what?” Danny blinks. Why couldn’t they just go down and fix it normally? Of course, his parents had to be weird about this too. “Thanks… Is there anything you need from me to help?”

And with those words said he almost instantly regretted it. “Well… We would really like to know why your ecto signature lines up perfectly with Phantom’s but perhaps that can wait.” Maddie offered with a small amused smile.

Danny sputtered at that, “Wh-What?”

“We set up a monitoring system so we can tell which ghosts most frequent the school… Phantom was the one that triggered the shield twice today. There actually wasn’t anything else that did,” Maddie explained with a deepening frown.

“You sure you’re not possessed, son?” Jack asked again this time sounding almost defeated in how, well, normal a volume he asked that. The hidden meaning was all too obvious especially after he mentioned his accident…

They thought he was dead! The portal killed him! And as the growing pit of dread grew into Danny’s stomach he couldn’t help but feel awful knowing they were correct in that assumption, well at least half right anyhow.

“Yeah… I’m… I’m me…” Danny managed out his voice cracking

“O-oh hun....” Maddie sniffed.

“But it’s not I… I’m me, I promise and I’m not all dead. I still have a heartbeat and everything!” Danny argued or rather tried to as his mother was quick to kneel before him taking his face in her hands as tears bubbled down her chin.

“Mom really I’m like … half at most. More human with a side of ghostly abilities ya know?”

“Oh, it’s okay Dann-o… You're still my son, I know ya are. It’s been almost a year since that accident and you’re mostly still you.” Jack said. “Just worse grades and more hormones and-”

“Thanks, guys really,” Danny sighed in relief both at dodging the potentially awkward birds and ghostly bees talk as well as the tepid acceptance he was getting. Awkward though it may be it was still acceptance nonetheless.  He was happy for it just the same.

“Maybe while we work on fixing up the shield to ignore Phantom’s signature you can tell us about some things?” Maddie asked sniffling again as she looked over her son’s face trying her best to hold herself together and not outright bawl at the thought she had killed her youngest child.

“Y-yeah… I’ve been wanting to tell you about this for a while now but, well, ya know…” Danny offered uselessly.

“I think it’s us who should apologize for that, son but maybe we can just all go get some triple chocolate fudge milkshakes and go deal with that shield after dinner?” Jack offered with a smile, ever the one to break up tension.

“Yeah, yeah… that sounds good.” Danny agreed. Well, it wasn't how he was expecting this to go, but he was kinda glad it ended up like this. Maybe now they could repair their strained relationship.

As Maddie ruffled up Danny’s hair the teen offered her his first genuine smile in almost a year.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Total words: 4245 Complete

[sincerelyella]

Darlin’ (Ethan x f!MC)

Book: Open Heart (AU)

Pairings: Ethan x MC (Ella)

Song Inspiration: Darlin’ by The Beach Boys

Characters belong to Pixelberry; MC Ella Dela Cruz belongs to me

A/N: It’s my darling @aestheticartsx​​‘s birthday, and I know you didn’t want a big fuss or anything, but you’re an amazing person and friend. You support everyone and you have the biggest heart. I wanted to write this little fluff piece just for you ❤️ love you tons!

Warnings: Just pure fluff

The moodboard of Ethan and Ella was made by the birthday girl and I want to thank her for all her beautiful aesthetics

PSA -> today is not her birthday, I am just moving over all my writing from my old blog.

Words: 1592

Ethan Ramsey had an earworm. He found himself going about his day, seeing his patients and humming a melody that had popped into his head since he opened his eyes this morning. As he approached the nurses at the nurse’s station singing under his breath, Danny reached out to take the charts in Ethan’s arms.

“Hey, Doc,” he furrowed his brows as he stared up at him. “Are you … singing?”

Distracted, Ethan shook his head. “No, I don’t sing.”

Danny chuckled as he turned back to stare at the computer screen. “Sounds like you are,” he mumbled.

Don’t know if words can say, But darlin’ I’ll find a way

To let you know what you meant to me, Guess it was meant to be

Ethan stared up at the assignment board, skimming all the names until his eyes stopped on Ella’s. “Danny,” he called out as he made a mental note as to which room’s Ella was rounding on that day. “Can you page Dr. Dela Cruz for me, please? I’ll be in my office.”

“Doing it now.”

Ella was in a bad mood this morning, and he could only assume it was because of that time of the month. However, he knew better than to bring that up in conversation, so he just left her alone and let her do her rounds. Ethan wandered down the hall to his office and unlocked it quickly. He tossed his key onto the desk and let out a long sigh as he sank into his leather chair.

Ethan nodded his head in time with his humming, not even realizing the corners of his mouth had curved up. He thought he would never be vulnerable with someone; he had been careful in that aspect. The trauma and abandonment he felt when his mother left was something that he always thought about; it was the entire reason why he kept people at a distance. The only person he let in was Dr. Banerji, and even then, he still retained some things to himself. Ethan absentmindedly reached into his lab coat’s front pocket and wrapped his fingers around a small box. He slowly ran his thumb over the top of the soft velvet, and his smile grew. He had bought the 4-carat diamond ring months ago, and every time he thought it was a good time to bring up their future, something would distract him. This morning he was already distracted by the song he kept humming, and the fact that Ella was snippy with him didn’t help matters.

“Hey,” Ella stood at the doorway with her arms folded across her chest. “You paged me?”

“Oh,” Ethan stood and walked around his desk to greet her. “Are you okay? You were a little-”

“Bitchy, I know,” she sighed and buried her face into Ethan’s chest. “I’m sorry, I was running late-”

“As usual,” he murmured into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He tugged her fully into the room and shut the door behind her.

“Mmhmm, I was running late and …” she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Ethan’s heart suddenly skipped, and he felt a tightness in his chest. It was an overwhelming feeling of dread that washed over him within seconds.

“I was running late and … I’m actually late,” she finished, her voice barely a whisper.

Ethan tilted his head and stared down at her. He was mentally prepared to hear the worst news – someone died, she was ending their relationship …

“Ethan?”

He shook his head to clear it. “Uh, you're … late? As in-”

“As in … I’m pregnant,” the tears began to roll down her face, and Ethan’s eyes widened. “I was stressed out this morning, we never talked about our future, I don’t even know if you want kids-” her voice hitched, and she began to cry harder. “I’m so sorry.”

Oh darlin’, I dream about you often my pretty darlin’

I love the way you soften my life with your love, Your precious love

“Ethan, are you listening? Are you singing?”

“I-I’m not … I don’t sing,” he grabbed Ella’s hand and led her to the couch in the corner of his office. He gestured for her to sit, and he got on both knees in front of her. “I know we never spoke of the future, Ella. I’m sorry about that, I … you know I’m not a man of many words. Fancy words are-”

“Not your thing, I know,” she finished for him as she chuckled.

“They’re not, I can’t give you magical words that sweep you off your feet. It’ll be so awkward.”

Ella nodded.

“Truth be told, I never saw myself with a family,” he stared into her eyes. “That all changed when we began our relationship.”

“So, then that means-”

“That means that I’m so happy,” he cupped her face in his large hands. “I’m thrilled, and I don’t want you to cry over this, okay? I love you.”

She flashed a watery smile. “I love you too."

2 am

Ethan lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling fan, willing himself to go to sleep. Ella had already passed out at 8 pm after a large dinner of pad thai noodles, four spring rolls, six pork and chive dumplings, and half of his spicy drunken noodles. He lay in the dark going over the day’s events – was going to be a dad – with the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

I was living like half a man, Then I couldn’t love, but now I can

You pick me up when I’m feeling sad, More soul than I ever had

He frowned. What blasted song was this? He had been accused of singing twice today, and he got strange looks from all the nurses. He turned to grab his phone on the nightstand and quickly googled the lyrics that kept running through his mind. His eyes widened when he realized what song it was. Darlin’ by The Beach Boys was a song his dad regularly played while he was a child. He remembered his parents laughing and happy together when that song was on - which was all the time. Automatically, he turned to look at Ella, who was peacefully snoring on the other side of the bed. It’s a sign.

Ethan quickly stood and quietly tiptoed to the other side of the room, where he hung his lab coat. He reached into the front pocket, took out the small velvet box, and opened it. The diamond shone like a bright star in the dark sky, and he couldn’t help but get nervous as he studied it. He picked it up out of its cushion and admired the studded in small diamonds around the circumference of the ring. Ella was a simple girl that didn’t like too much flash, plus he didn’t want her losing the diamond in a pair of gloves at work. Ethan shut the velvet box, and it made a loud snapping sound. He cringed, held his breath, and closed his eyes while Ella grunted and turned over in bed. Once the coast was clear, Ethan tiptoed to her sleeping form and slowly slipped the ring onto her third finger on her left hand. He stared down at the ring as the diamond seemed to wink at him in the moonlight; he resisted the urge to take it off. This was a stupid idea, he admonished. The worst proposal of all proposals! He scowled at the ring, then tiptoed back to his side of the bed. We’ll see what happens in the morning.

9 am

A loud squeal startled Ethan awake as he sat up quickly and noticed Ella wasn’t in bed.

"Ella? What’s wrong?” His early morning shenanigans were forgotten in his sleepy haze. Ethan saw her come into the bedroom with his large shirt on and widened eyes. “What?”

She held up her left hand, the diamond shining brightly in the morning sun that was streaking into the bedroom. “Did you do this?”

“That … depends.”

“On?”

“On whether you want it or not,” he chuckled nervously as he studied her shocked face.

“Ethan,” she walked around to his side of the bed and sat on the edge. “I’m not sure how you got a ring on such short notice, but … you don’t have to do this just because I’m pregnant.”

“Wait. What?” Ethan shook his head. “No, I’ve had that ring for a while. I have been meaning to propose, I just … always got distracted.”

“You … so you really-”

“Yes, really.”

“Ask me.” Ella’s grin grew wider as she tried to hide her giggle.

“Ella Vivenne Dela Cruz, will you marry me?”

“Wow, Ethan … this is all so sudden,” she sucked her lips between her teeth to stifle her laugh.

“Unfunny,” his deadpan glare made her roll her eyes.

“Yes!” She lunged towards him and straddled his hips.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“We’re celebrating,” Ella bit her lip as she took her shirt off. “It’s not like I can get more pregnant.”

Oh darlin’, I dream you often my pretty darlin’

I love the way soften my life with your love, Your precious love

[allyvampirelass29]

The Lost Boy

A NOS4A2 Fanfiction By: Allyssa J. Watkins

"Vicki? Where are you!? Vicki, come here!"

"You're scarin' her, Linda, all your damn screechin'! Brat? Baby, come back here."

"Yeah, sure, Chris, you're the one drinkin' and throwin' whiskey bottles, and actin' like a freakin' lunatic, but my voice is scarin' our daughter! GOD, Mister Hero, and I'm always the BAD GUY!!! Damn it, Vicki, I SAID come here!!!"

Eight year old Vic McQueen hugged her denim jacket with the pink sparkly stars on the shoulders, tighter around her, rolling her dark eyes, as her parents fought in the open doorway. Biting her lip, she snuck her way around the side of the house, climbing on her red bike, pedaling away, shooting a quick glance over her shoulder, to make sure she wasn't being followed.

"Do they always engage in so unsightly a row?"

Vic squeezed the brakes on her handlebars with a gasp, her unruly brown curls falling in her eyes, as she stopped short, swerving, just narrowly missing the older boy, standing in the street.

"Geeze, Pal, ain't your mother never told you not to play in the street? What? D'you want to get hit by a car or somethin'? What's that mean anyway, row?"

"Feisty for a girl, aren't you?" The older boy, about twelve chuckled, adjusting his red silk kerchief, and dusting off his black vest. Vic was sure she'd never seen him before, dark wavy hair, and them thick eyebrows, he sure didn't sound like he come from Haverhill.

"Yeah, what of it?" She shot back, raising her chin defiantly, balancing on her bike. "Girls can be just a tough as boys, y'know? Ask Danny Merckle, I popped him one good. And if row means raise the dead with a lot of damn noise, then yeah, they sure row a lot."

The dark, mysterious boy shook his head with a smirk. "Girls shouldn't curse, nor should they engage in fisticuffs."

"That mean scrappin'?" She asked, screwing up her little face. Geeze what an oddball, this guy.

"More or less," The boy shrugged his shoulders.

"Yeah, well, I ain't exactly the type to play with dolls," She shot back, and he smiled again, his head tilted.

"So I see...... Well, Feisty, to answer your earlier question, no. My mother practically told me to go play in the street, nor would she have batted an eyelash if I'd gotten run over like a stray."

"Man ALIVE, your Old Lady is worse than mine!!!" Vic gasped, and she couldn't help but notice how sad the boys eyes looked. Real damn sad.

"You have NO idea, he said with a sigh," And they both jumped as the front door to Vic's house slammed shut.

"That's my cue," She whispered, leaning forward to pedal away again, when the older boy, grabbed one of the handlebars. "Hey, watch it guy, cant'cha see I'm tryin' to make a break for it?"

"I'm sorry." He said softly, his eyes going all sad again. "I'm sorry, you have to listen to them fight, and throw things, but you don't have to be scared."

"I ain't- I ain't scared," Vic's shoulders bristled, and the boy watched unconvinced as her lip quivered, and the autumn light caught in her pink sequins.

"It's okay..... to be scared. I am, sometimes."

"Pshhh are you kidding me?" Vic scoffed, resting her arms on the handlebars. "What's a tall guy like you got to be scared of, huh? Yeah, your old lady sounds like a witch, but, c'mon she's still your ma. She might carry on, but they love us. They gotta, right?"

The boy smiled again, but it was very sad. "One can only hope, Feisty. May I....... accompany you, on your daring getaway?"

"If that's fancy talk for tag along, then yeah sure." Vic shrugged her shoulders. "Damn, you're sure different, most boys older 'an me just want to push me around, you know, pick on me."

Vic pedaled down the sidewalk, away from her house, the sun hanging low in the sky, as the boy in the red kerchief walked alongside her, fighting his smile.

"I can't imagine anyone pushing you around. You're quite the novelty to me too."

"Thanks....... I think," Vic looked at him, scrunching up her brow. "So you got a rough home life too huh?"

"Horrendously so...... Your father may take to the drink, but I have the great misfortune of living in a bar, surrounded constantly by drunkards, and my mother, let's just say....... has a lot of boyfriends."

"No foolin'? GOD, that's gotta be some kind of awful! Folks get bonkers when they're drunk, at least mine come home...... most of the time, anyways. Boyfriends huh? What about your old man? Mine's a drinker, yeah, but he ain't all bad. He makes me laugh, y'know?"

"I don't have one...... I mean, I do, of course, but....... his identity could never in probability be ascertained. Whomever he is, he sure did not want me."

"God....... That's real rough. Everybody needs a dad......."

Vic's front tire hit a rock, and she swerved, accidently slamming into the boy, and he groaned as he fell back hard.

"Yikes! Holy sh- Are you okay?" She yelled, leapfrogging off her bike, kneeling down beside him, reaching to help him up, when she saw them....... "Hold on, guy, there's something on your neck there......"

"I'm perfectly sound, just a little jostled, hey, stop that, what are doing?"

Vic pulled off his silk handkerchief, and his hands flew to his neck, nervously. "Give it back."

"Hey........" Vic frowned, pursing her lip, and the boy shuddered, as she leaned over him, and pulled down his shirt collar. "You're bruised somethin' awful....... Did I-?"

"No-" He snapped quickly, leaping to his feet, one hand still hovering over his neck, the other held out impatiently, wiggling his fingers. "That's mine, thank you very much."

"No." She shook her rebellious curls stubbornly, clutching the kerchief tight. "You're not getting it back until you tell me....... Who did that to you, huh? You get in one of them rows with somebody?"

"Something like that...... Now give it, before I take it from you......." He scowled, knitting his dark brow.

"Like to see you try it, Buddy," She snarked back, holding it behind her back. "Who whaled on you, tell me....... It couldn't have been your old lady, c'mon."

The boy tried to look angry, tried to hide the guilt, and shame in his eyes, but they pierced through the dark shine, and he sighed, hanging his head. It was then Vic noticed the cuff on his sleeve had inched up, revealing the dark circles of even more bruises.

She gasped, her little hand flying to her mouth, slowly handing him the kerchief, which he snatched back, and carefully re-tied.

"I take it back...... Your mother's a witch with a "b."

The older boy couldn't stifle his smirk, hastily pulling down his long, starch white sleeve, fiddling with it. "Quite so."

"My ma used to get mad, and slap me around sometimes when I was talking back, but....... she ain't never left bruises like that....... You got to get yourself the hell out of there.

"I will....... Someday." He shrugged, hands in his pockets, and Vic walked her red bike alongside him, the sun casting long shadows behind them. "Someday, I'll drive away, in a fancy car, somewhere no one will ever hurt me again.

"Sounds real good, guy. You ever need a friend, you got one in Vic McQueen."

"Who's Vic McQueen?"

"Me, Stupid!" Vic laughed, elbowing him in the ribs. "You got a name, Kerchief?"

The dark-eyed boy smirked, bowing graciously, with a flourish of his hand. "Charlie Manx, at your service."

"God, you are so freaking weird. Well, put 'er there, Charlie!" Vic beamed, holding out her little hand with a smug grin, and hesitantly, Charlie took it, with a firm shake.

"A pleasure, Victoria."

Charlie Manx awoke with a jolt, bolting upright in bed, his hands flying instinctively to his neck, and he shivered, the sweat cooling on his skin.

"What on GOD'S green earth was that......!?"

His palm slid slowly down his neck, and he felt the pale brunette slumbering beside him stir, but she didn't fully wake. He stroked her face, breathing heavy, envying her expression of heavenly peace. How perfectly dreadful....... How dare you, Victoria....... Damn you, invading my sacred dreams, unearthing my- my secrets and shames. He rubbed his neck again, finding it still bare, and free of bruises, his skin, of course, flawless.

The angry tears stung his eyes, and he wiped them furiously away, his thumb circling his wrist over and over........ He had to admit this miniature McQueen wasn't quite so irksome....... Little Victoria was so far removed from her scathing, impulsive, teenage self, that there was something almost endearing about her, fussing over him and his boyhood inflictions. “How odd to think of us together, Victoria, as children, the bruised yield of broken homes. What might you have thought of him, The Lost Boy without his Neverland? We might even have been friends.......... How's that for a scary thought?”

He slowly fell back back onto the bed, his silky raven head sinking into the soft pillow, and he froze as his sleeping beauty whimpered, and eased her body against his, skin melting against skin, laying her crown of shiny curls on his bare chest.

"This one......." Charlie breathed, flaring his nostrils in a sigh, his claws caressing her luxurious curls, letting them sift, one by one, through his fingers. "She had a much different upbringing than the two of us........ An ideal childhood, and I envy her, Vic........ I envied her, her happiness, yes, I watched her grow up, loved, cared for, precious in her mother's eyes, and I ached to know what that was like....... To flourish in a tended garden, instead of left neglected in the thistle........ Ironic, isn't it......? She would have had no need of me to come, and spirit her away to Christmasland, and yet you....... who despise it most of all........ were exactly the kind of girl I would have saved.

He ran his hands through his mussed coif, his obsidian strands damp with sweat. "Imagine us, Vic, as childhood friends, the feisty girl, and the dapper dan, creating together, walking worlds that others can't even imagine....... Look at us now, scrapping, as you so eloquently phrased it, for a chance to kill each other, and I feel the swelter of your hatred, but even you can't deny that we....... are not so different."

I'm going to have to kill you, there's no way around that, not now. And I'm going to enjoy it, have fun, get...... creative with your meticulous undoing. He chuckled to himself, winding one of Ally's ringlets around and around his finger, with a menacing smirk. But that does not mean I won't miss this, our delicious conflict, the obscene pleasure that comes in hating you, hurting you....... In a perfect world, I would have you both, my conflicting passions, satisfied, her pleasure, your pain, my ultimate fantasy. But this one....... She was made too tender, Vic. Where your parents' endangerment hardened you an edge, this one feels too deeply through another's heart, even yours. She couldn't love a man that inflicts pain with such indecent pleasure, courting her tenderly with the same hand that harms you. In time, she will beg me to stop, fling herself at my feet, sobbing bitterly while you bleed, and being so affected by her, I will grant her wish. I will grant yours as well, and finally finish it, quell your flame, waste all of that Creative potential, killing you in secret. Then I'll tell her, Vic, I'll tell her I let you go.......

Charlie felt his heart quicken, imagining Victoria's aghast face, as though she were listening to his thoughts, racing by in a frenzy. That's right, My Feisty One, I'll make myself the hero of our doomed fable, and say I've decided to give up our fantastic feud, all for her, because she's changed my heart, absolved me of my sins, and she'll love me for it, Vic, praise me, reward me, even while you lay dead in the frozen wilderness. He closed his eyes, with a dark chuckle, a sinful breath escaping. You'd hate that, wouldn't you, Victoria? ANSWER ME!!! Tell me how much you'd hate that.......

You're messed up, Pal. You do that, and you're worse than your slap happy old lady.

Charlie's eyelashes fluttered open as he heard Little Vic's angry voice linger in his mind.

That's enough out of you, Young Lady. Only good girls get to go to Christmasland, and you've long outstayed your welcome.

You want me to scram? Make me.

Oh, I intend to....... Consider yourself grounded.

He simpered, feeling blissful, pressed against his wife's womanly warmth, visions of battling Vic frolicking through his head, as he smelled Ally's hair. You make me so happy, the both of you........ In hating one, and loving the other, The Lost Boy became a found man. You might not be one to play with dolls, Vic, but I certainly am......... And I don't intend to share.

[goliath-de-senfina-sango]

They say no plan survives contact with the enemy.  Danny wishes they were wrong.

Dash Baxter was a conflicted person right now. He’d been feeling off practically all school year, and Valerie, Star, and Paulina were about ready to tell him to fuck off while they went and did their own awesome friend stuff. If he was pressed to think about it hard, he would say that it started when Manson had gotten the school to change the menu for a whole ass week. Now, Dash typically cooked or baked his own food anyway, so it was hardly something that sucked for him but plenty of his teammates bought lunch at school and they weren’t weird vegans like Manson! He’d gone up to her to give her a piece of his mind about all of that shit since he couldn’t exactly go yell at a teacher, and maybe he shouldn’t have yelled but he was angry and his voice got louder when he was mad.

Then Fenton got between them like Dash was gonna throw hands with Manson or something. Don’t get him wrong, he knows how dangerous a girl can be – Valerie would never have been friends with him if he didn’t respect how dangerous a girl like her could be – but his father had raised him to never lay hands on a woman. And besides, Dash wasn’t feeling violent! Or, at least, he didn’t think he had been.

Except that when Fenton got between them, Dash had been pissed. He’d gone from mad to unseeing rage and stuffed one of the dumb mudpies in Fenton’s face, and then Fenton started throwin the garbage, and then a food fight happened. Now, some people might think that his year was off because of the fire that happened after this food fight, but it was actually the start of it. Dash Baxter only threw hands when someone was threatening his friends, not for getting between him and someone else. Not for nothing. It was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever done in his life and he felt horrible about it afterward but he couldn’t think of what had gotten into him.

Worse still was when it kept happening. Mikey and Lester were rambling kinda loudly about some stupid card game and Dash got annoyed, went over to ask them to quiet down. Then there was this weird this rush of some sorta warm slimy something down his spine that was there and gone in a flash, and he was barking at the two of them, “Shut the hell up or else I’ll make you.” He almost didn’t realize he’d said that but then Kwan elbowed him hard in the ribs and Dash winced, running a hand through his hair. “God, did I say that? Shit, sorry dudes I didn’t mean that!”

Except… he did. Dash was the one who said it, right? And he said it practically automatically, without even thinking it. Was that who he was becoming? Was he turning into his grandfather? Kwan promised him he wasn’t, Vincent said he wouldn’t let Dash turn into his gramps, but then Dash was shoving scrawnier kids into the lockers out of his way, and he’d been about to mouth off to Fenton for no freakin reason other than he was there and his freaky mad scientist parents had to be the ones to put that green fire and stuff. Then a god damn monster popped out of Fenton’s locker, attacked Foley, and Dash was out of there.

Right after the fire the school had everyone set up meetings with the counselor, Dr. Spectra, and Dash went too, just like everyone. She even gave him a journal to write his feelings down in so he could work out what he was feeling and put it in words at his own pace. He didn’t like how she was implying that he couldn’t put his feelings into words at the same speed as everyone else, but if she was then hey, she wasn’t… she wasn’t wrong . And after writing it all down in that black journal, Dash came to a bit of a conclusion: Fenton was at the center of all of this.

Danny Fenton was a bit of a freak already, his eyes glowed when he was pissy even back in 6th grade and Dash knew it had to be because his parents were mad fucking scientists and either they experimented on their kids or the radiation in their house had gotten to em. And now that freakiness was popping up and destroying the whole damn school! Hell, Dash was pretty sure one of the Fentons’ damn ghosts had stuffed a buncha frogs down his pants the other day, cause he heard laughter when he ran away. But that had nothing on how furious Dash had been when Fenton called him stupid .

Dash wasn’t fucking dumb he was a little slow but so were plenty kids! Nerds and geeks like Fenton and Mikey and Josh all thought they were so fucking smart that they could get away with calling anyone else stupid ? Dash had been planning on educating Fenton on just how smart an idea that was. Then Falluka yelled at him and Kwan… God, Kwan looked so fucking disappointed in him.

So Dash was feeling a little conflicted and a lot shitty when Danny Motherfucking Fenton walked up to him in his star trek hoodie and said, “Dash I need your help.”

“Oh yeah?” Dash snorted and sneered at the smaller boy. “Why should I help?”

“You remember the monster thing that nearly tore off Tucker’s leg?” Dash paled a bit and nodded. “Something worse is lurking in the school. Something smart. We need your help to expose it before we can get rid of it.”

“So you want me to put my ass on the line and risk getting mauled because your freaky monster is out here lookin to eat someone?” Dash scoffed and turned away. “I ain’t stupid, Fentina, no matter what you think.”

There was a growl behind him and the hairs on Dash’s neck rose up. He tensed and damn near sprinted when he remembered that Fenton was packing heat. Maybe he was stupid. But then Fenton sighed and the lights flickered. “Dash, did you notice that you’ve become more and more of a jerk lately? You used to be the awesome jock who could run faster than everyone but Valerie and you made cookies for the whole class.

“Now you insult everyone at every turn and you tried to beat me up for telling you off. Doesn’t that feel wrong to you? I know nobody wants to believe my parents about the ghosts but you saw the monster, you saw Tucker bleeding and this is real Dash. And what do ghosts do in movies?”

“You sayin I’m possessed, Fenton?” His voice was shakier than he wanted it but it made… well sense was the wrong word but it lined up. “Wouldn’t I blackout or somethin?”

“Not necessarily. Some ghosts are smart n subtle and they can make you do things, feel things enough times while you’re awake that it’s habit-forming. My friend Sydney Poindexter can show you.”

Dread hit Dash like a tidal wave and he turned to bolt. Then he was cold and he relaxed all over, went deathly calm. He was submerged in the utmost chill vibes. Then he was utterly terrified, so much so he almost needed a change of pants. But then he was over the moon happy, frothing at the mouth pissed and then calm again.

The heat slowly returned to Dash’s bones as the back of something- someone filled his vision. Then he was looking at the bucktoothed, weak chinned weird movie hologram ghost of - if Fenton was to be believed - Sydney fucking Poindexter . “You see, Dash,” Fenton said while Dash stared at Poindexter with a very real sense of dread and awareness that someone who could fly could catch him faster than he could run, “if Sydney here were to possess you from time to time and adjust your mood and behavior just a little bit each time, especially over the few months we’ve been in school, you’d start doing everything he made you do on your own. You wouldn’t notice it either, it’d feel like your own feelings.” Dash finally looked at Fenton. “Got the picture, Dash?”

“... I thought your family hunted ghosts down?” Dash’s voice was as small as he felt. Because of that, he nodded quickly when he realized he’d been asked a question. “Y-yeah, I get the picture. I’ve been. I’ve been fucking possessed. ” Icy hot fury and horror filled him up to the brim and Dash shook, fists clenching and unclenching. “I’m being haunted by someone and they’re fuckin with what kinda person I am. But who the hell would do that?”

“Dash, Sydney is going to hide so that Ishiyama doesn’t turn on the security system and shoot holes through him - and he’s a good person, Dash, trust me.” Yeah, sure he is. “And we’re gonna go to the principal and have her call a very specific person to the front office. I need you and I to be hiding right next to the door to the hall, because when he sees you, he’ll know what’s happening.” Fenton reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out- ok, he really did have bottomless pockets because no way he kept a gun and a belt in there. He handed it to Dash who held it in his hands, feeling a bit numb. “Put that on. It’ll give a nasty shock to any hostile ghost that touches you.”

“So that he can’t possess me again, right?” Fenton nodded and Dash was putting the belt on before he even knew it. It clicked into place and he felt a warm buzz rush through him. “Fuck, thanks Fenton. Danny. Do we uh. Do we go now?”

“Dash you’re heading to practice,” Fe-Danny said, and Dash sighed and slumped against a locker. “Don’t worry though, we have a plan.”

“Right. A plan.” Dash took a deep breath and nodded. He wanted to get whatever ghost asshole had been messing him up, making him into a total asshole, right the fuck then. But Fenton was the nerd with the sci-fi gun and a ghost friend here, not Dash. And he wasn’t all that keen on being near Poindexter of all dead people, so he nodded again and half turned. “...This… after this ghost dude is dealt with, I’ll… I’ll go back to normal, right?”

“That’ll take some effort on your part, Dash. Do you want to go back to normal?” Dash whirled around to tell Fenton of course he did but he was just gone.

Dash scoffed and shook his head, walking to practice. “Got his boyfriend’s dramatics.”

It was legitimately the simplest of plans. Danny had come up with it so it was very simple and easy to understand. Danny and Dash headed into Ishiyama’s office at lunch, Sydney waited just outside of Danny’s own sensing range for him - which had gotten alarmingly smaller since his resurrection - and when Dash identified Bertrand as his late grandfather, Danny, Sam and Tucker would turn him into a pile of green sludge, then go after Spectra after making the case that she was also something inhuman disguising herself to feed off of the students. Simple.

Easy to understand didn’t mean easy to execute. When Danny Fenton of all people approached Ishiyama and said something was up, with Dash Baxter backing him up, she called up Bertrand Baxter to her office. Dash looked absolutely floored by that revelation though and turned on Danny immediately. “Are you saying my fucking grandpa is the one who’s been haunting me?”

“I really hope you’re not like, attached to him or anything.”

“Oh no, he was awful but dude, you knew? ” Danny sighed and nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“He could’ve possessed you in the shower when you took off the belt and figured out how much we know.” Danny looked to Ishiyama, who had gone pale and was typing furiously at her laptop. Danny, however, headed to the door to the hallway and crouched down, reaching into his jacket. Dash was still standing in the doorway to the principal’s office, however, and so when Bertrand came in and Danny got to see his disguise for the first time - short, grey slacks with dress shoes and a red dress shirt with a suit jacket and bowtie. His hair was grey and his eyes were green and he looked like a stereotypical rich white guy, reminding Danny how wealthy Dash actually was - Bertrand stopped and stared at Dash for three seconds.

“Oh. you. Wonderful to see you again you sissy ass brute, have you been sewing anymore wittle teddybears for yourself or are your sausage fingers too big for that?” Oh, Danny hated that tone. So, he pulled out his rifle, aimed it at Bertrand’s face, and smirked.

“Wow, you looked slimy in life too, huh?” Danny got to see wide green eyes filled with shock and terror before he squeezed the trigger on his gun and Bertrand became a green splat on the wall that Danny would have to clean up later.

“You didn’t even leave a little bit of ass for me to kick?” Sam groaned as she stood up from behind the wait desk, patting the shaking attendant’s back while she got closer. In her hands was a thin metal tube with the Fenton Logo on it and a button, looking to any trained eye like a typical collapsible bo staff. “I got this whole new weapon from your mom and everything.”

“Please don’t say that in front of the principal - and hey, we’ve got more ass to kick.” Danny grinned, maybe a bit wider than humanly reasonable, and turned to Ishiyama. “I’d like to make a complaint about Bertrand’s boss.”

“You can make that complaint to her right here in person, darling. ” Danny spun to look at the source of the predatory purr that was damn near right in his ear. Red suit, red hair done up in ridiculous horns, and eyes that were slowly shifting from green to yellow to orange. “I don’t believe we’ve met yet, Mr. Fenton, but it’ll be my pleasure to give yourself and your friends a session. Free of charge.”

“Hm, I hear you, Penny, I do. Counterpoint.” Danny grinned as Sam hit the button and swung her now humming staff - the Fenton Anti Creep Stick™ - at Spectra’s face and watched as it sailed through the air where Spectra had been. The creature named Penelope had twisted back and around fluid as water to avoid the strike and spun around, kicking Sam in the gut and knocking her into the reception desk. Danny snarled and raised his rifle, managing to shoot Spectra in the shoulder.

Spectra flicked the ashes from her shoulder where her suit and ‘skin’ had been burned - though her skin looked more like it’d suffered a fading sunburn than it did a glob of ionized ectoplasmic plasma - and backhanded a shocked Danny. He raised his arms in time to block the nails that were now claws with his jacket, but these sleeves were cotton and simply tore open while he was flung back as well. “Oh Danny, honey, you should really do your research more. I’m not a ghost .” Darkness flooded the room and they - Danny, Sam, Tucker, Dash - were in what Danny assumed to be her office. He hissed and pulled out the Peeler, but that was smacked out of his hands and clattered loudly to the floor.

The others disappeared in a cloud of smoke, which the room was steadily becoming. “Come now, Danny, none of that. We’re here to talk, after all. About you, before you ask. After all, you have quite a few pressing anxieties to address, don’t you?” A clipboard appeared in her hands from the smoke all around them and she read over it while Danny reached for the bonds to his friends. The threads were… slack, dim, quieter than they should be.

“Daniel James Fenton, your sister had an appointment set up with me for you, worried unlike every other child here you weren’t getting enough attention. But of course, someone like you can never get enough attention.”

“When I get my hands on you I-”

“Ah, that testosterone you keep shooting up with really is making you more aggressive, isn’t it?” Danny snarled at her and she tutted at him, walking slowly around her desk. “Or is that the ectoplasm running through your veins causing you to act out violently on mere speculations and possibilities from what’s more than likely just a bad dream from your little friend. That’s what it does, after all. Corrupt the mind and soul. Oh, but of course you know that, don’t you?

“Your parents have all the science on ghosts at their fingertips and surely you’re smart enough to read up on it. Oh,” she covered her mouth and sucked on her teeth, looking all the world like she’d just noticed something inconsiderate coming out of her vile mouth before vanishing into the darkness. “Oh, well I suppose you could read it but it wouldn’t stick, would it? The dead can’t learn anything new, after all, you’re just an echo of who you were before.”

“Bias and prejudice aren’t science!” Danny raised his rifle again, energy racing to his eyes as he searched the shadows desperately. The light rose to his call, filled him untethered him from the Earth, but what he Saw felt wrong . Even the lies the eyes tell him are truer than what was around him and he knew that but he couldn’t see through the smoke. “Sam and Tucker have hammered that into me plenty well enough by now to cut through bullshit like that! And really, I liked your office better after that flubber wannabe and I trashed it.”

A flash of red suit came into view and Danny pulled the trigger, but Spectra was faster than the green hot plasma, and claws swatted his weapon away while slashing at his chest. Thank Tucker for leather jackets and all the protection they offered but now Danny was on his back, the ground and somehow the kind of uncomfortable chair that all schools used to punish the students for the simple crime of being there.

“Ah yes, Sam the rich goth girl who befriended you as soon as she heard that you were the son of the town crazies. The one who warned you away from coming out to your parents so they could help you become normal again - or as close as someone like You can get.” She laughed, the sound of ice spilling down a glacier into the cold dark waters below, and it echoed around him like the chill of a winter night. “Don’t you know she’s only friends with you because you’re ‘unique’? Because you’re a freak ? Don’t you know, oh so darling Danny, that as soon if you were able to get rid of all this craziness and live a peaceful life, she’d grow bored with you and leave?”

“You don’t know a damn thing about Sam, she’s not like that!” Danny rolled out of the chair and got to his feet, every movement like he was covered in sandbags and the smokey shadows every two feet away seemed to swallow up his voice, growing darker and pressing closer like a rolling tide. Light curled into a ball in his palm, and he hurled it where Spectra was, but the shadows ate his light and left barely a foot in any direction to move.

“Oh and the year you’ve known her has revealed everything to you, hm? Well, I suppose when someone murders you with peer pressure and you stick around them it’s clear how pathetically desperate for another friend you are. After all, the only other one you have is your oh so precious Tucker . Precious, pragmatic Tucker who cheered you on to go to your parents about all this, more than ok with you getting dissected for it. After all, he’s a smart boy and you can’t have fooled him as well as you fooled yourself into thinking you’re the same Danny Fenton he knew before you died.”

Spectra laughed again, claws digging into his shoulders, and anger, resentment, and fury rang through his soul, the chime of a burning bell. Light struck Spectra in the face, the Fomorian’s cackles finally cut off with a shriek of pain as she stumbled back and the choking darkness ebbed a foot away again. Danny snarled at her, spying the empty hollowness where his light had sheared off the false skin on her face, another ball of orange-silver light crackling at his fingertips.

“You keep Tucker’s name out of your filthy lying mouth! He would never hurt me!”

“He sure did take his time making you any sort of protection though, and once he got your parents to give him something that made his very touch a taser’s spark to your skin he wasn’t in any rush to modify it for your safety. Almost like he didn’t want you able to touch him, or he didn’t feel like making you something genuinely substantial as protection - after all, he finally got another one working and where did that end up? On Dash.” Danny stepped back when the shadows closed around Spectra once again, glaring into the dark of her office and kicking the desk to the wall for room. It didn’t even clatter against the wall when it vanished from his sight and he couldn’t tell if that was because there was no wall or if he was simply losing his stars forsaken mind.

“Modifying the Spector Deflector took time, you slippery little oil stain, now come out where I can punch you.”

“It hardly took time for your parents to make it, did it? And oh your parents.” She purred, voice taking on a cloyingly sweet tone and Danny shuddered at the cold against his skin, the smoke curling against his jacket and following him as he flew up to the ceiling to make some room. Now, though, it looked like he was trapped in the abyss with no floor, no ceiling, no way anywhere and if he ever stopped flying he would fall and fall and fall and there was no end to this darkness, no stars to sing to him and comfort him and it was like the times before his very first self .

“We can’t forget the source of all this anguish can we? Those darn parents of yours that put ghost hunting and science and your better sibling before you the whole of our life and even your afterlife! Oh, even you know now that normal old human authorities would clutch their pearls and steal you away to a safer place to live than with them. How many times have you had artificial ectoplasm in your food, either poisoning you or bringing it to life for you all to fend off? How many times have they barged into your room with no concern for your privacy and dragged you away to do work for them like an intern? How many times have you nearly died because dear old Dr. and Dr. Fenton couldn’t be bothered to make their home a safe place for a child?”

Danny curled up into a ball then, clutching at his head and closing his eyes. The star song that rang through his body and warmed his bones when he was a ghost grew dimmer and darker and colder with each word out of the dark and past the echoes it took a moment to realize that whining sound was coming from him. “Shut up! Shut up shut up, you don’t- so they’re a little clumsy! No one can be the best parents ever, and they love us! They love me!”

“Is that why they killed you?” That laughter felt like a slap to the face and Danny slipped into intangibility, only to fall from the air as his power left him, and he landed on the cold hard ground, alone and shaking. “Your father so careless with the most outrageously dangerous things that he left a doorway to the land of the dead plugged in even with the door to the lab still open. Your mother, so stubborn, so sure of herself, would never listen to your advice on how to simply not mutate the food that her family eats let alone listen about how ghosts actually work from you . Daddy dearest doesn’t truly care what you want to be, he knows that you’re not smart enough to become an astronaut, skilled enough to live off your art alone, and that all you really have to fall back on is the family business of ghost hunting, so why shouldn’t he talk over you about it all? Your own precious Mommy didn’t have an answer for you as to what she’d do if she knew you were a ghost.

“Oh, your parents are just so awful that they went and let you die, and you don’t want to face the truth of it? Is it because you’re afraid that you’re just like them, keeping Agatha locked up in that soup can for a whole weekend before you let her out, turning Hunter into a splatter on the ground, shooting my dearest little assistant because he’s a ghost? Or is it because you know, deep down, that what they would do as soon as they knew you’re not human is strap you down and cut you up to see what you actually are. You don’t even know, after all!”

His light was a pinprick in the distance, practically gone and with it the gossamer strings that bound him to his friends and let him know he wasn’t alone. They were gone because he was alone, wasn’t he? How could he not be, with whatever the hell he was? There wasn’t a thing out there like him, and if the dark pressing in on him like oil choked sea water swallowed him up then no one would truly understand what was lost. Would they even feel they lost something at all?

“Are you a ghost pretending to be human again? Or are you a creepy little boy with creepy little powers? A changeling left behind by a faerie through that portal, or some kind of curse? Oh, who cares what you are? Not a boy, not a ghost, not a fae or jinni or beast of this earth! Who could possibly care for a thing - a mistake like little Danny Fenton? Or should I say, C-”

Orange, fury, protect, love, wrath, HOW DARE SHE blazed down the bond between Danny and Jazz and filled him with a warmth he’d near forgotten existed. Green light cut through the darkness and engulfed Spectra, peeling away her suit and her skin and the darkness that made her up like one might an onion or potato. “ How dare you, you worthless parasite? How dare you lay a single clawed hand on my baby brother while you sit here, curled up in your precious darkness to hide from the truth that would burn away your empty, worthless lies?” Danny had never heard Jazz so angry, had never seen such fire in her aura and it kindled that spark inside of him that was growing oh so distant. “Sydney?”

Danny had never loved the color green so much before he saw peridot flames leap from Sydney’s hands and engulf the room, before sweeping in to swallow Spectra up in a pile of burning rot . They were back in Ishiyama’s office and the waiting room before it, Tucker and Sam and Dash all pale and shaking like they were freezing, but the heat of Sydney’s flames and the rage in his screams were like a camp fire in the cold woods. When Danny turned to see Jazz she was practically a chrome and green knight, wearing armor he’d never seen before and brandishing the Peeler at Spectra like a shotgun at a mugger. “I can’t believe I thought someone so pathetic they had to pick at the insecurities of literal children for a misery meal would do anything to help my brother.” She squeezed the trigger and held it until even Spectra’s shrieks of agony were nothing more than echoes in the room.

Jazz turned to Danny and before she was even fully out of the armor he had his arms wrapped around her, clinging tight to the only person that felt well and truly real at the moment. She hugged him back just as fast and relief slammed into the horror and misery and blended with the vindication until he couldn’t tell what feeling it was that blurred his vision and made his face wet with tears, but when Jazz ran a hand down his back he shook with the force of his sobs. Tucker and Sam put hands on his shoulders and the threads between them were a sickly puce and bloody red that had him dragging them both into the hug with him. They stood there, leaning on each other in the office and crying, and some part of Danny knew that they were going to be alright.

They had each other, and nothing could get to them when they were with each other, right?

[estradioltone]

Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

[deafeningnightcollection-things]

Worlds Collide ~ TEEN WOLF

Chapter 2: My best friend is definitely a werewolf (S1 E1)

Cassie was anxious to get to school the next morning and make sure Scott was alright. She dressed quickly and ran downstairs, hopeful to avoid awkward questions. But parents seem to have a sixth sense for when their kids are trying to sneak out and her dad was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, and he didn't look very happy.

He did his best to keep his voice at a whisper, hoping that her mom wouldn't hear them. "You're lucky that your mother is a deep sleeper, and didn't hear you climbing out your window in the middle of the night. What the heck where you thinking? They found a body last night. If this town lights up like it did with the Hale fire, we're going to have to move, again."

"I know, I know. He's after us, but we're stronger than we've ever been. Would it really be so bad if he found us now?" I'm tired of running. "We can't run forever, dad."

Her father sighed. They'd had this same fight for years. "You don't know him like we do, we can a lot of things others can't, but he can do more. More than anyone should be able to." He paused, clearly not wanting to escalate the argument further. "I'm going to be home late tonight, Dr. Draile is out sick today and they asked me to cover his night shift. Your mom is going on a trip for a few  days, thankfully she's not too freaked out cause she hasn't heard about the body in the woods yet. If you need anything call Melissa, she's off tonight."

"Ok." She smiled tiredly, "I know that you're trying, it's just frustrating because I know that we could be doing so much more. I'm tired of being afraid."

"I know." He embraced her gently, "now lets get out of here before your mom comes downstairs and yells at us both."

Cassie laughed, a little more subdued than usual, but still a laugh and it felt good. "Ok"

The drive to the high school seemed to go by in a flash. She was worried about Scott, she'd spent nearly an hour debating with herself whether or not to go back out and look for Scott, eventually she'd decided that it must've been a normal wolf, it had to be. Still, she couldn't completely banish her worries, even though they were social pariahs at the best of times, Scott and Stiles still managed to attract more danger than anyone she'd ever met.

"Bye, dad." She waved as she jumped out of the car quickly and made her way towards Scott and Stiles.

"Dude, let me see." Stiles was motioning impatiently at Scott's shirt.

"Unless Scott's has a stripper career that I don't know about, I'm gonna need more context than that." Cassie said, inserting herself between the two. She was only mildly bewildered by what she'd heard, it was no where near the oddest thing she'd heard Stiles say.

Stiles answered impatiently, clearly anxious to see whatever was under Scott's shirt. "Little Scotty here, claims to have a huge freaking bite in his stomach. But I say pics or—"

"What!" Cassie exclaimed looking to Scott anxiously, it couldn't be. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." His eyes met hers quickly, trying to alleviate her panic. "Stiles is exaggerating."

"Let me see." She stated emphatically, holding his gaze.

Scott lifted his shirt reluctantly, "I told you it's not that bad."

No. No. NO. It has to be a coincidence, normal wolf bites look the same as werewolf bites, right?

"Cassie, you ok? You seem a little spacey." Scott was looking at her curiously.

Don't be weird. "Yeah, fine... Just didn't get much sleep last night." She sent a halfhearted glare at Stiles, curse him and his stupid ideas. If she was right this stupid idea was going to have much bigger consequences than a couple weeks grounding or a detention.

"Seriously though, this is awesome." Stiles barreled on, oblivious as usual to his friends' unease. "First a body, now this, at least something interesting it finally happening in this town."

"What do you think bit you?" Cassie tried to ignore the dread growing in the pit of her stomach.

"It was dark but I think," don't say it, "it was a wolf." Scott...

Don't freak out. "That's weird. I thought there hadn't been wolves in California for a long time."

"Yeah." Stiles agreed vehemently, "it's been like 60 years since there was a wolf sighting."

"Well, if you two don't believe I saw a wolf than you won't believe I found the other half of the body." Scott said with a hint of a smile.

"Dude. Really?! That's amazing." Stiles might as well have been jumping up and down. This boy was way too excited by a murder. "The only thing better than that is Lydia Martin." Stiles attempted to say suavely as a certain redhead passed by, "h-hey, Lydia."

As usual she walked by without sparing in glance in his direction. Stiles brushed it off, but she knew it had to hurt. She clapped him on the shoulder gently, "better luck next time, buddy."

He glanced at her gratefully, a small smile tugging at his cheeks. "Thanks," he said softly, before turning to Scott. "This is your fault, both of you." He pointed an accusatory finger at her and Scott, "I'm a nerd by association."

Cassie laughed, and for a moment everything felt normal. Just for a moment she wasn't worried about her entire life in Beacon Hills being uprooted because of some stupid midnight adventure in the woods. She threw an arm around each boy, "well then, nerds. We'd better get inside, don't want to be late on the first day. Scott's enough of a problem child as it is."

"Hey," Scott was quick to defend himself. "Every time I've gotten in trouble has been entirely Stiles' fault."

"Hey!" Stiles replied indignantly. They all laughed.

Their first class passed uneventfully, and it was easy to pretend there wasn't a weight on her shoulders. The second class made it harder to ignore. Their teacher was droning on incessantly about the syllabus and talking about a body in the woods like it was nothing. Teachers really don't feel anything. Scott glanced out the window, something evidently having caught his attention. Sure enough there was a cute girl sitting on a bench in front of the school. Cassie nearly rolled her eyes. Boys, she thought exasperatedly.

The girl's voice drifted towards Cassie's sensitive ears. "Mom, three calls for my first day is a little over-doing it..." She said into her cellphone, exasperation clear in her tone as she rummaged through her bag. "Everything execpt a pen, oh my god did I actually forgot a pen!" She closed her bag with a sigh as the vice principal walked up to her. "Okay okay, I gotta go, love you..."

Cassie glanced back at Scott who had been watching the girl intently. This time she did roll her eyes, but a nagging doubt tugged at her. He seemed like he could hear what the girl had been saying. She tried to ignore her doubts, Scott was just staring at the pretty girl. For some reason that didn't alleviate her doubts.

Not two minutes later the girl walked into their class. Oh great, now Scott can spend the entire period staring at a girl. She shared a half-exasperated half-amused glance with Stiles. "Class, this is Allison Argent." The V.P. introduced her. Argent? Could she be? No. There has to be more than one family named Argent, but in Beacon Hills? Can it really be a coincidence? Cassie shook her thoughts away, today was going to be normal through sheer force of will. If she let things spiral out of control the next step would be her parents packing bags and flying out to the furthest reaches of Canada.

Allison walked forward, taking the seat behind Scott, and next to Cassie. Scott turned towards her, a faint blush on his cheeks, and handed her a pen.

Why did you have to drag us into the woods Stiles? ——— The rest of the day passed by rather uneventfully, the most interesting thing that happened was Scott doing some light stalking/eavesdropping on the new girl. She managed to stem her oncoming panic by promising herself that she'd get answers after school. The last bell seemed to ring out of nowhere. Cassie walked down to the lacrosse field by herself. Scott and Stiles had to go to the locker room first. Normally, she'd wait for them, but today she needed a moment to clear her head.

The bleachers were relatively full, back to school hype always pulled a decent crowd. She waved to a few kids as she sat down, including Danny who had just emerged from the locker room. She was so lost in thought that she didn't noticed Lydia and Allison sitting behind her until Allison tapped her on the shoulder.

"You're Cassie, right?"

"Yeah." Cassie answered cautiously, she wasn't sure how much the Argents knew of her family, but she still wanted to keep off their radar.

"You're in my English class." Cassie resisted the urge to sigh.

"Yeah. That's me..." She chuckled slightly, hoping to diffuse an awkward situation. It didn't work. She tried a different tactic. "So, how do you like Beacon High so far?"

"It's ok." Allison shrugged, "we probably won't be here very long, anyway." Cassie almost smiled at that, good. Less hunters in town the better. Cassie nodded noncommittally, before turning back to the field.

Scott and Stiles were on the bench as usual, but as she watched Coach Finstock walked over to the bench. He pressed a helmet to Scott's chest, "McCall, you're in goal."

Scott replied awkwardly, a little flustered, "but I've never played goal before."

Coach clapped him on the shoulder. "Exactly. It'll give the boys a confidence boost on their first day back."

"What about me?" Scott shifted uncomfortably.

"A few bruises won't kill you, McCall." Coach clapped him on the shoulder one last time.

Scott paled a little, but never the less walked towards the goal with determination. Stiles just shook his head, she could practically hear the thoughts going through his head. You're going to die. She leaned forward in her seat anxiously, hopefully there wouldn't be any rampaging werewolves on this field today. Especially with an Argent in the stands.

The boys lined up one by one to take their shots on goal. Various people in the stands cheering as their respective friends took a shot, but Scott blocked every one. Stiles leapt to his feet shouting, "that's my friend. That's my friend!"

Cassie smiled widely, knowing how important it was to Scott to do well this season. She cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, "go, Scott. Yeah. Whoo, whoo." Underneath the helmet, Scott's eyes found hers and he smiled. More boys took shots on goal, and Scott blocked more and more shots. It seemed as though no one could get a ball passed him. Finally, it was Jackson's turn. Oh boy, she thought to herself. If something goes wrong it's going to be here.

The tension was palpable in the air. Jackson squared his shoulders and ran at Scott, attempting to bowl him over. But Scott stood his ground, appearing to catch Jackson's ball effortlessly. The people in the bleachers cheered, it really was a good save. Too good. Her gaze flicked between Scott and Stiles, how do you boys always manage to stumble into the worst situations?

Why now? Beacon Hills had been quiet since the Hale fire, six years of nothing, and now this. She couldn't think of any other wolf in town. What are you up to, Derek? She was tempted to leave before practice was over, but Scott and Stiles would notice, and that would lead to questions that she wasn't ready to answer. How do you tell your best friend that he's a werewolf?

The rest of the practice went by very quickly, Scott didn't miss a single shot. Cassie met them on the field as soon as practice ended. "That was amazing, Scott."

"Thanks, Cas." He answered, pride shimmering in his eyes at what he'd done. She smiled.

"You did good too, Stiles." She added turning to her other best friend. "It takes skills to warm a bench that well."

"Yeah, yeah." Stiles swatted her away with a roll of his eyes. "You were good out there, Scotty boy. First line may not be a pipe dream after all."

Scott rolled his eyes. "Are you ever going to stop calling me that?"

"Nope." Stiles puffed out his chest proudly. "I've already come up with five ways to work it into my best man speech."

"Of course you have." Scott cringed half playfully.

The conversation ended abruptly as they reached the locker room. "See you in five." Cassie nodded. She walked around to the front of the school slowly, arriving at Stiles' blue Jeep only a few moments after the boys.

"So where are we headed?" Cassie glanced between Scott and Stiles.

Scott glanced at Stiles before answering, "back to the Preserve."

Why do I let you drag me into these things? ——— Beacon Hills' preserve was chilly. Leaves crunched with every step, and branches fluttered in bursts of wind. The whole scenario felt so similar and yet so different from the previous night. Stiles walked a little ahead of Scott and Cassie, leading the way forward like usual, but so much had changed in a night. Scott had changed.

Unsure how to broach the topic, she tried the first tactic that came to mind. "Scott, you seem different today." Still the truth, just not all of it. "How're you feeling?"

Scott shook his head. "I don't know. Something's off, I can feel it. It's like my senses are on overdrive. I can see things, hear things, smell things. Things that I shouldn't be able to."

Stiles, ever the curious one, couldn't resist a conundrum. "Things like what?"

"Like..." Scott sniffed experimentally. "I can smell the mint gum in your pocket. I can hear Cassie's heart beating."

"I don't have any..." Stiles fished around in his jacket pocket, finding a piece of mint gum, neatly wrapped in foil. Glancing at it oddly, he tossed it back into his pocket. "Hmm... So this all started with the bite?"

Scott nodded. Cassie could practically see the pieces falling into place in Stiles' head, but this had to be too ludicrous, even for him and his wild imagination. "What if I'm dying? Like everything in my body is just fritzing. And then...blegh."

"You know what, I think I have heard of this." Stiles began, in that overeager way that almost always signified mischief. "It's super bad, like crazy bad, but only once a month."

"What?!" Scott was clearly freaking out, maybe on the verge of an existential crisis. "What happens once a month? Is it fatal?"

"No." Stiles eyes continued to glimmer with mischief. "They call it lycanthropy." Stiles spread his hands wide for emphasis.

"Is it serious?" Scott squeaked, growing paler.

"Only on the night of the full moon." Stiles howled.

Cassie smacked him on the back of the head. "This is serious, Stiles!" Her voice was louder than she'd intended, both Scott and Stiles looked at her a little oddly. She rarely raised her voice, but her panic was slipping through.

"Jeez, Cas. It was just a joke." He rubbed his head, wincing exaggeratedly. "You really pack a punch." He winced once more.

"Sorry." She glanced at Scott, and then Stiles, then back to Scott. "I'm just worried about Scott." Stiles nodded.

"I'm pretty sure I dropped my inhaler somewhere around here." And just like that the tension diffused. Scott walked forward to a patch of leaves. It had been dark last night and even with her advanced senses she couldn't tell one batch of decaying leaves from the next. Scott crouched down and began rifling through the leaves. Cassie moved to help him when the sound of leaves crunched under foot reached her ears, she saw Scott's head snap up.

"You're trespassing," an angry voice called out from behind them. "This is private property."

Derek. She tried to keep her face neutral, and not punch Derek. She saw his eyes widen a fraction as he looked at her, they hadn't talked since before Laura died. This whole problem had something to do with him, there were no other wolves in town. Well, there was Peter, but he was in a coma.

Stiles in his infinite bravery shrunk away meekly, "we didn't know, dude."

"Yeah, we were just looking for something... The preserve is big, we must've wandered here by mistake. Forget it, we'll just go now." Scott said stepping up next to Stiles.

As Scott turned to go, Derek tossed something to him. He caught it with lightning fast reflexes, and Derek quirked an eyebrow, his suspicions no doubt confirmed. Scott opened his hand, to reveal his inhaler.

"Uh thanks." Scott looked up, but Derek had vanished. "That was weird."

Stiles smacked Scott on the arm eagerly a few times. "Dude, do you know who that was?!" Scott shrugged. Cassie didn't answer, she had no reason to know Derek Hale. "That was Derek Hale, his whole family died in a fire like six years ago."

Cassie glanced back and she could see Derek, standing just out of normal human eyesight, watching them.

"Didn't he move away after that? What's he doing back here?" Scott wondered aloud, glancing back just as Cassie had.

Stiles shrugged. He knew something didn't add up, but he didn't have all the facts. She had more, but they still didn't add up.

"I gotta get to the clinic, Deaton's expecting me soon." ——— Stiles dropped Scott off in record time—breaking even more traffic laws than usual. Stiles turned to her as they sat in the parking lot, engine idling, "where to now, my padawan?"

Cassie raised an eyebrow, "one of these days you're going to stop referencing Star Wars."

"Never."

Cassie laughed, "well, master Jedi. Could you please take me home now?"

"I think I can arrange that." His eye twinkled as he deftly shifted into gear and backed out of the vet's office. The ride home was filled with amicable silence, that Cassie was thankful for. She was still trying to figure out how all the pieces fit into the wolf puzzle.

As she turned to leave the car, Stiles put a hand on her shoulder. "I know you normally talk to Scott about stuff, but I'm here too. I know somethings wrong, no pressure. Just... when you're ready, I'm here."

She squeezed his hand gently, "thank you." Stiles is a better friend than I give him credit for. Stiles nodded. She stood on the porch, until he was out of sight, then she broke into a run, heading for the preserve. It took her less than 10 minutes to reach the preserve on foot. She then followed the familiar trail, through the brush and leaves, to the charred house. She paused outside, listening, only hearing one set of footsteps in the house, and knowing that Derek would've heard her approach, she marched in.

"You've got some explaining to do, Hale!" She yelled at the quiet house.

"And you still know how to make an entrance, Cassaia." Derek appeared in front of her. It still felt so strange to hear her birth name, only a limited few knew it and even fewer ever said it. She shoved him harshly into the wall behind him.

"Why is it that you show up back in town the same day my friend is bitten?" She flung the accusation out hotly, her temper refusing to stay on its leash.

Derek sighed. "I didn't bite Scott, and I don't know who did. But I do know that whoever bit him, killed Laura."

"What?" She breathed out in a startled gasp. She released him, backing up a few steps.

Derek nodded bitterly, "there's an alpha running around the woods with my sister's power, and her blood on his hands." His eyes flashed their familiar icy blue. Tears welled up in her eyes and her blood boiled even hotter.

"The monster that killed Laura is just running around biting teenagers! Why?!" She threw the words at Derek like an accusation.

"I don't know, but I've been trying to find out." Derek answered calmly under her tirade, she nodded, wiping her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She reached out a hand before wrapping both arms around her friend, Derek's arms wrapped around her back firmly before releasing. "I'm sorry that I wasn't there enough when Laura died."

"I know." He met her gaze steadily.

"I'm going to help you find the alpha, and, I promise, we'll make him pay." She wasn't thinking about her parents, or keeping under the radar. At that moment, she was thinking of how kind Laura was, and how sweet Derek used to be and how their family didn't deserve any of this. He nodded. "Be careful. Ok? A beta alone can't defeat an alpha." Please don't be rash. I don't need to see another Hale tombstone. Derek was silent, she knew he wouldn't answer, he could be so stubborn and reckless.

She turned to go, "Cassie. You too." She didn't answer. So maybe we're both a bit reckless.

[archieimagines]

Mistakes | Chin Ho Kelly One Shot

requested by: anon a/n: this is two requests merged into one. we hope you like it! warnings: VIOLENCE, alcohol, kidnapping, attempted stockholm syndrome, blood, starvation words: 2,109 el’s note; Please, do not read this piece if you are triggered by any of the above warnings, this piece does become semi-graphic and I don’t want anyone to be affected by it by reading it without caution! If not, please enjoy!

You had been looking forward to spending the night with your good friend Chin. Well, he was your friend that you wanted more than anything to be more.

You were one of the few people to stand by him when he was accused of stealing the drugs from the HPD evidence locker. You had stood by him when Malia had left him. You had been his biggest supporter when he joined the 5-0. You had always stood by him, it was the least you could do, but you sometimes wished you could have helped him get his old job back. But you were only a history professor, one of the best in the country, but still only a professor.

Wiping the sweat from your forehead, you placed the baking tray on the cooling rack.You had cooked all yours and Chin’s favourite foods and snacks, having planned a marathon of Police Academy. But you looked at the clock on your wall, noticing that he was late, it was odd, he was always big on being on time. You checked your phone to see if he had messaged you that he was going to be late. Nothing. Biting your lip you decided to wait before calling him. 30 minutes passed and still he hadn’t come. Grabbing your phone, you pressed his contact and the phone began to ring.

“Hello.” His voice sounded happy, music was on in the distance, what the song was you couldn’t tell due to the chatter in the background.

“I was calling to see why you were running late.”

“Late for?”

“The marathon, Chin.”

“Oh, I must have forgotten to text you. I’m out with Malia.”

“…Chin, I slaved away in the kitchen just to make sure that we could have fun tonight.”

“I appreciate that, I do. But Malia and I bumped into each other and got to talking. So we—“

“And you thought you’d just drop me?”

“Well, it’s not that important.”

“Not important? Well according to you standards then, it’s not important that she thought you stole those drugs and left you!” Recoiling as you shouted it at your phone. 

“You’re really bringing that up! You want to bring up exes, I can do that too. What did happen to that Graham guy? Oh yeah, he left you because the only thing you love more than yourself is the past! So why don’t you focus on yours and not mine? Cause unlike you, I actually want to hang out with Maria right now.” Your hands shook as you lowered the phone from your ear, tears running down your face. Graham had been your longterm boyfriend of 2 years, but had cheated and left you for a model. Chin knew how much that had hurt you, he had been the one to find you in the bath cradling a bottle of whisky.

The sadness was soon replaced by rage, so much that you threw one of your wine glasses across the room, the shattering feeling slightly cathartic. You then threw the other one, finding delight in your blinding rage. Ignoring the mess, you opened the bottle of wine drinking it without a glass. Stumbling over to couch, you switched the tv on, pressing play on the first movie of the marathon, unaware of the figure approaching from behind.

“You alright cousin?” Kono’s worried tone made Chin look up from his desk.

“What?”

“You look really down. The marathon go alright?” Regret washed over him, he knew he shouldn’t have mentioned Graham, but you also shouldn’t have brought up the incident.  So in his mind, the comments made by the both of you cancelled each other out.

“I didn’t up going.”

“What, why?” She asked, coming into his office fully.

“Well Malia and I—“ Kono scoffed, looking away from him. “What?”

“You ditched them for Malia? After everything she did to you?”

“I had every intention of calling to explain. But then she called and brought up the incident.”

“Because they’ve stood by you through everything and you still put them second.”

“I don’t put th—“

“You do! They’ve dropped everything in the past to make sure your alright, but you still choose the woman who left you for something you didn’t do.”

“I haven’t chosen Malia over—“

“Guys, we got a case. Danny’s already on the scene.” Steve informed them before rushing out to his car. He and Kono nodded in response, Kono turning back to give him one last glare, he knew she’d be bringing this up again.

Chin had decided to drive with Steve, his mind mulling over his entire relationship with you, going over all the times you had cancelled dates, meetings, parties just to be with him when he needed it. It was so much in his mind that he didn’t realise they had pulled up to your house. Dread filled his gut, his eyes met with Kono’s, her face morphed in terror. The pair proceeded to storm inside.

The house was a wreck, the couch turned over, shattered glass and spilt wine all over the floor. Worst of all was the copious amount of blood throughout the living room and kitchen. Chin’s heart dropped when he saw what was left of the food you had prepared last night. He saw Danny talking to a CSI, writing things down hurriedly. He looked around further, hoping he wouldn’t stumble across a body bag.

“Looks like a struggle took place after a forced entry. The blood splatter on the wall and remnants on one of the knives indicates that the victim fought back, possibly injuring the attacker before they were taken.”

“So our guy might be walking around with a noticeable gash in neck?

“Yes.”

“Thanks, keep us posted with any new finds.” Danny turned away from the CSI, finishing his notes, Chin walked up filled with anxiety.

“Where are they?” 

“You know the vic?” 

“Yeah, we were—are best friends. We were supposed to be watching a marathon last night. I was supposed to be here last night.” He trailed off, realisation dawning on him that he could have prevented this. Danny lead him outside, proceeding to ask him questions about you, your career, dating history and if you had any possible enemies. He did the same with Kono, who answered the same as him, her hand gripping on tightly to his own.

Steve made the executive decision to keep them both off the case, they could assist with information and from headquarters, but were not to engage with suspects or take the investigation into their own hands. Chin was there when Steve and Danny informed your parents, your mother crying into your father’s arms as it was explained to them that the phone lines were being tapped so that if any ransom calls came through they could be traced.

Chin felt like he was in limbo for the next two weeks, there had been no word from any kidnappers or from you. He had even heard Steve and Danny quietly discussing if they should start treating the case like a murder. It made his stomach churn, but he couldn’t let that stop him.

He was re-watching the security tape of your house from across the street, when he saw a familiar face in the bushes next to your house. It was Graham, he was dressed all in black, slinking quietly to your front door to force open the front door.

He had to tell Steve and Danny.

For the past two weeks you had been locked in the basement of Graham’s house, he had revealed to you that he planned to keep you there for the rest of your life. Apparently his supermodel girlfriend had left him, so his first thought was to kidnap you. He had given you a good beating for attacking him with the wine bottle you’d been cradling. From his actions during those two weeks, you guessed he wanted you to ‘fall in love’ with him again and to be his housewife. And for the past two weeks you had tried to convince him to let you go, you had gotten close several times. 

He was now pacing in front of you, he was paranoid that someone was going to find you, that you didn’t love him like he loved you. That tangent you had to restrain yourself from rolling your eyes. His hair was unkept, dark circles under his eyes, he looked more deranged than before. From your mattress in the corner you could hear him muttering to himself.

“Graham, maybe if you let me go…you wouldn’t have to worry about being found. I promise I won’t tell, I wouldn’t do that to you.” You promised while crawling as close to him as possible before the chains on your ankles and wrists tightened.

“No, no, no, you just want to leave me. You can’t do that, you’re mine.”

“What if…what if after you let me go…what if we started dating again, properly?” He perked up at the suggestion. Bile rose in your throat, but you’d say…do anything to get away from him. “Yeah, maybe we could even get married. You want that, don’t you? Big wedding with the rings, priest and veil.”

“You’d be mine forever.”

“Yes, just you and me against the world.” His smile made your stomach twist, he walked over to you, just as he started to lean down as loud crashing came from above. Multiple voices could be heard shouting. Your instincts kicked in pushing Graham over and screamed for help.

Graham shouted and punched on top of you, easily overpowering your starved body. His hands clasped tightly around your neck, cutting off your airways. You pried at his hands, trying to get him off you. Your eyes looked into his, but it was if he wasn’t there. Just as your vision began to fade, the door to the basement was ripped open. He squeezed tighter before he was suddenly ripped off you. His frame replaced by Chin, his eyes full of horror and worry.

“Ch-Ch-…” 

“Don’t, don’t talk. I got you, I got you, I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”

It was a month later, you had almost completely healed physically from the ordeal, the only visual remnants of the time was the bruising on your neck. But as your therapist made it clear to you, there was still a long time to go before you were mentally healed. He was working with you to heal and handle your PTSD.

It was after one of these sessions that Chin had come over to your new place, you having moved, not able to live in the last one after Graham. The pair of you chatted for a while, at one point Danny, Steve and Kono came over to check-in with you. You had grown fond of the two men, thanking the profusely for saving you, which they always replied that it was Chin who figured out it was Graham.

“So, how’s Malia?” You asked after the silence between the two of you had lasted for several minutes.

“I don’t know, I haven’t spoke to her in the past couple of weeks.” He admitted, but what you found strange was that he didn’t look sad about it.

“Oh, I just thought you and her were trying again…” You muttered, to which he shrugged.

“I guess I realised she wasn’t the one I want to be with.” His eyes meeting with yours, the look in them making it obvious to you what he meant. You immediately blushed, you had been wanting this for so long, but one major issue was in your way.

“I really want that to, but after everything with Graham, I don’t think I can…” You played with your fingers, the nerves eating away at you. His hands, stilled yours, bringing them to his lips and kissing them gently.

“I know, I’m not saying to jump into anything straight away. I just want you to know, that I’m done making the same mistakes of not realising that everything I was looking for in Malia was already in you. And that I’ll wait for you to be ready.” His profession made your heart swell and brought tears to your eyes. Which he gently wiped away with his thumb, his face was so close to yours you that you couldn’t breathe. He leant forward to kiss you gently before pulling away. “Though I’d like to do that quite a lot if you’d allow it.”

“I’ll allow it.” You breathed out, leaning in for another, ignoring his soft laughter.

written by: el

[lonely-bored-writer]

Is Everything Okay? Ch. 16

"What the hell are you doing here!"

"Guys?" Danny jumped from his seat at the sight of three teen boys pushing there way into the room. Instantly Tucker had wrapped Danny up in a hug. "How did you Didn't we just tell you guys a like two hours ago?"

"Might have taken something from Fenton Works..." Tucker trailed, waving a set of keys in front of Danny. The keys were attached a key charm, which was a green and black FSS. Danny instantly knew what it was.

"Dude, how'd you guys get it past the agents that had been swarming there?" Danny gaze across to Dash and Chris who just shrugged.

"Foley did it all on his own. Nerd thought he could get it." Dash motioned towards Tucker. "Got it all on his own"

"Hey, he didn't do that great." Chris piped in as Jess ushered everyone to the couch. Chris gave Tucker a playful shove. "The geek cheated! He used the shrinking thing? I don't even know." Tucker laughed and shook his head. Stealing the drink that Danny had.

"I used the shrinking mechanism your parents had worked on." Tucker took a drink and immediately spit it back into the mug. His face contorted in a grimace, his nose crinkled in disgust. "Ew dude, Dr. Pepper?"

"Oh hush." Jess jumped in, taking the mug from the techno geek. "Dr. Pepper is the best drink that was ever made. Luckily for you I've got some root beer." Jess chuckled at the grin that spread on Tucker's face and left to get him a new drink.

"Why did you guys-"

"Come on fentard." Dash cut in and shook his head, Chris copying his movements. "We weren't about to let you do this all on your own. Especial after finding out you've helped us."

"Dude it's me, I can't stay out of trouble." Chris smirked, keeping his perch against the coffee table. Danny furrowed his eyebrows looking at them all.

"You're willing to be come fugitives for me?" He asked, confusion and disbelief clear in his voice. Jess had sauntered back in and handed the new trio a mug each.

"Of course we are!" Tucker shoved his friend. "You're our friend! It doesn't even matter that you protected Amity-"

"Matters to me." Jess chimed in, sipping from her mug. The looks three out of four of the teens gave her caused her to shrug. "I mean I don't know him. Just that he kept my baby bro safe as Phantom, that makes him okay in my books."

"How's everyone?" Danny asked, biting the inside of his cheek. Anxiety filled him with worry of what could really happen back home, back in Amity Park.

"Your sister and mum are alright..." Tucker started taking a glance between the other two. Danny bit back a sigh at the exchange, a spike of annoyance hit him realizing his friends were acting like they were walking on egg shells.

"Guys, just tell me everything." Danny cut in, shaking his head. In that moment Danny realized something. Since he met Jess, since he show'd up the little diner, he had not been overwhelmed by emotions.

"Okay, Imma be blunt. Cause unlike Tuck over there, I know you need to know the truth." Chris perked up from his perch, ignoring the looks he got. "Your dad's funeral is tomorrow afternoon, your mum is an absolute wreck, your sister is playing damage control, Sam wanted to come but her parents are keeping her hostage in her room, and Lancer tried to get us to tell him where you are. Amity is also surrounded in people in white and they are thinking about expanding to neighboring states, including this one. If you have a plan now if the time."

"I need to go to his funeral." Danny spoke, his voice only holding the tiniest bit of sadness in it.

"There's always Clockwork." Tucker spoke, turning his gaze to Danny choosing to ignore the words his friend spoke. His eyes searching Danny for any form of emotions. His worry grew when all he saw was emptiness.

"Whose Clockwork?"Dash and Jess asked the same time, the two shared a smile between them. Tucker and Danny shared a look, the emptiness in Danny's eyes suddenly disappearing as if it weren't ever there. Tucker bit his tongue, knowing it would be a bad time to start asking Danny , sometimes he could be an airhead and say the wrong things at the worst times possible, he still has some brains to know Danny is going through too much hell to have his only support to start questioning.

"Well..." Danny spoke before Tucker could. Turning to the three confused people in the room. He launched into the story about how he had met Clockwork, and how the elder ghost now kept his eye on the teen and help occasionally, then told them all about the offer the ghost gave him.

"Do you have any idea when Clockwork is gonna pop by?" Chris asked, walking into the room and taking a seat next to Danny. It's been a few hours since the five of them had a conversation, and everyone litered out around the house. Tucker was spending time trying to find the location of the GIW without alerting anyone where they were. Dash was somewhere else in the house, or maybe he left. Jess was out buy groceries, she had complained about now having to stock the house up for four teenage boys now.

"No clue." Danny sighed and shook his head, keeping his chin rested on his knees. "I just hope he does soon... I need to go to my dad's funeral though. I just... I can't miss it-"

"I get it." Chris cut in before Danny could continue, not wanting to force the boy to have to explain himself. Chris turned, keeping his eyes on the teen before him, his eyes only meeting the side of his face but the purple haired teen could see the tears in the sad cobalt eyes. "I do. Maybe you could. I honestly don't know much about the GIW, and if they can't track you then maybe if we get a disguise you can keep to the edge of the funeral? Keep away from people?"

"They can track my ecto-signature. I can only hide it for so long." Danny responded. "I don't think I could face my mum though. She hates me."

"I wish I could say she didn't. " Chris ran a hand through his hair, hating seeing his friend so distraught. "But she is your mum. She could just have said those things in the heat of the moment..."

"I don't know." Danny shook his head, try to rid the heavy hands that wrapped tightly around his throat. Everything was a dire situation, he couldn't have a breakdown. He took and deep breath before turning to his friend. "We need to talk to the others and see if we can come up with a plan to get me to Amity tomorrow, at what time did you say?"

"Two"

Danny could help the feeling in him that night while he laid in bed. He couldn't believe how easy it was to get Dash, and Tucker, heck even Jess to agree to him going. He felt bad, but he was happy Sam wasn't there. As much as he liked having he around and he missed her, he knew she would have told him not to do this. That it was stupid and he should stay in hiding until the Stopwatch popped his back into his life.

But Danny couldn't. He had to see this. He didn't know why, or if it would help any, but he had to see this. He had to go and see his mum and sister, his dad in the casket. He had to see everything. Even if the thought of the funeral, or returning to Amity, gave the hand that help tightly at his throat more force to grip tighter. He needed this.

Something was drawing him to the funeral. The feeling reminded him a lot like the thing that kept waking him up around the time his dad had... Besides the connection, there was something else. Danny couldn't quite put his finger on, but he knew damn well that if he didn't go he was going to miss something. Something big. Something he didn't want to miss.

And he wasn't going to.

With the thought of going to that funeral, and seeing his family, the emotional teen drifted off to sleep. Not bothering to stay up longer, or keep an eye out for anything. Even though he knew he was being hunted down by people who wanted nothing more than to cut him open and do 'really painful experiments', Danny had the strangest feeling that tonight was going to be just fine.

The growing dread that built as time ticked by was the only indecation that tomorrow was when things were going to go down. That things weren't going to be as easy as running into Jess, or having his friends by his side. No, things weren't going to be easy. But the raven haired teen knew one thing.

His friends would have his back no matter what. They will be there to catch him, if or when he fell.

[dannowilliamsrp]

If youre taking requests please a mcdanno family where Steve discover that he will have a son with Cat when he's already with Danny so they decide to co parent tha baby whos name will be Matty you know for Danny's bro... maybe cath die on the birth day ir disapair ? Pleaseee and thnks 💖

Alright, let’s see what we can do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~It wasn’t a secret that Steve had issues with both of his parents, which later in life caused him more issues, mainly with trust. It also wasn’t a secret that because of that, he was very close and cared a lot about Joe. Feeling responsible for both of his father figures deaths left Steve in a very dark place. Though he’d never mention it to anyone, he was a bit surprised he had survived his revenge plot. After the dust settled and he had a moment to breathe, he didn’t really feel all that better about losing Joe. Some wounds that deep don’t fully heal, only scar. He tried his best to honor Joe’s memory and listen to some of the final things he had to say. Especially about the waiting too long thing. At first, he thought he meant Catherine. She’d been an important part of his life, and his revenge plot involved her immediately and initially because she needed to be part of it as much as Steve. He let his feelings at the time rule him and for a moment he thought that that was what Joe meant. But Cat was too much like him. So she couldn’t stay. The job came first, and the need to help and protect, and conquer the demons of the past was way stronger than their feelings for each other. They still loved each other, but...there was a bigger sense in both of them. Something that called Cat back out to battle, and something that called Steve back to Hawaii. He wasn’t sure what it was at first, but when his eyes landed on Danny waiting for him when he got home, it clicked. Boy, did it click. The moment he was back in Danny’s arms, the moment he let himself cry and grieve over the loss he just had, was the moment he had the most obvious epiphany ever. He was home. Not at the McGarrett house, but with Danny. Danny was home. Steve let himself settle for a while, get back into the old grind of the day by day. It was comforting that no matter what happened, he and Danny would just click back together. He was a bit...scared, about making his move and told himself he had time. And he did...until it was clear that some old feelings between Rachel and Danny were resurfacing. That forced his hand and it made him make the most awkward confession he’s ever had. Danny was shocked and more confused than ever. The blond couldn’t deny feelings that have always been there with Steve, but after Joe and seeing that Catherine was someone Steve had called first, he figured that was it. Danny asked Steve for some time, and Steve was happy to give it. Happy that now that Danny had this in his head, he wouldn’t do something stupid like go back to his ex just because he had a very emotional experience with Grace and thought that Steve wasn’t available. They eventually talk. They state where they are in their point of life and what they want. The damn realization that they’ve had basically the best relationship they’ve ever had already but only on a platonic level. They were ready to take it up a notch.“But I ain’t that easy, babe,” Danny told him with a soft smile.“Not even for me?” Steve asked with a smirk. “No, see for that, you’re not even getting a goodnight kiss. You want me, you’re gonna have to woo me.”“Woo you?” Steve echoed, obvious happiness radiating off of him. Danny hadn’t rejected him. He’d risked everything because if he couldn’t have Danny as a lover, having him as a partner was the next best thing. He and the kids were his family too. If he had messed that up, Steve really didn’t want to think about the dark shit hole he’d be in. “Yeah, woo. Meaning you’re taking me out to eat, you’re gonna be gentlemanly, and you’re gonna pay.” Danny said, counting the things with his fingers.“If I’m wooing you then that means I’m also driving you, so no more complaining about that.” Steve countered.Danny rolled his eyes, “Babe, by now I think you know that I’d follow you anywhere...with mild complaining. Get used to it.”Steve smiled and reached out to grab Danny’s hand and interlock their fingers, “I plan to.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Due to them knowing each other for nearly a decade in what could be argued as the longest and healthiest of their relationships, taking it to another level was both simple and complicated. It was all there, they just now had the liberty to act on certain feelings they had to repress before. And once that was a liberty they loved to take, one weekend they disappeared completely and came back Monday morning to zero tension. Needless to say, a lot of money was exchanged as their newfound relationship was confirmed. Grace was very happy for them, which is something Steve thanks God for every day. “You sure you’re okay with this?” Steve asked her once when they were out shopping together. She rolled her eyes playfully. “More than okay. Heck, for a while when I was younger, I thought you were...”Steve looked at her with a raised eyebrow. She shrugged, “Danno wouldn’t talk about anything else but you and when mom tried to say something bad, he’d defend you...it was Danno’s way of loving you, ya know.”Steve nodded and then asked, “I don’t wanna be the evil stepmother in this. You and I have always gotten along but it is different now. And I know that after your accident maybe you...you might have hoped that...”“That mom and Danno would get back together?” She asked and Steve nodded. “I think any kid with divorced parents thinks that at some point but...not me. I’ve lived through their divorce once. I was little so I didn’t always understand everything...but I knew that Danno was angry at some of my mom’s choices and I know he loved me more than anything. He gave up his whole world to come to be with me...I want someone for him who’d do the same. And that’s you.”Steve hugged Grace tightly. When they pulled away he promised her, “I love him. And I will prove to him, and you and the whole damn world that he is the one for me.”Grace smiled, “I know.” Then she got serious and jabbed him in his chest, “Because if you ever hurt Danno...you’ll be sorry.”Steve chuckled, but saluted her in a soldier way, “You got it, Monkey.” It was the first time he’s openly called her Danny’s nickname for her, and it seemed natural. She didn’t correct him at least. This...this is how it’s meant to be. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Living on an island for as long as he has, Steve knows that as much of a paradise it can be, when a storm brews, it can be disastrous. A few months later, he receives a call from Catherine, asking him to meet. He feels like something is immediately wrong because she’s never had to ask him to meet like this. He was pretty sure they were both in a clear understanding of how things were left off. Or so he’d hoped. He dreaded to think he’d have to break her heart or any hopes. But he was with Danny now. And he was deliriously happy. They meet and Steve immediately sees what this might be about. He does the math in his head and it fits. “We used a condom.” Were the first words out of his mouth.“Which only guarantees 97%...I’m sure you’ve seen FRIENDS,”  Catherine replied. Steve is dumbstruck with the information to make any sort of witty reply. Worry and fear build up inside of him and all he could think about was Danny’s reaction. “Steve?”“I...I’m with Danny...I...I love him...” Catherine smiled softly and placed a hand on his arm, “I know. When we left..I knew that was it. For that chapter anyway. I hoped we could still be friends.”“I still love you Cat. Just...differently. And this...”She placed a finger on his lips to quiet him. “You have a right to know, which is why I’m telling you. I’m not here to cause trouble. I...I know this might not be the easiest thing to deal with. But I couldn’t keep this from you. I’m not going to ask you to choose.”“You’re not?”“No. I know you’d do the honorable thing, but we’re living in a modern world. And deep down, I think we all know you’d still choose Danny. But I’d rather take the option ‘and’ instead of ‘or’. You can have Danny, and gods know you deserve his love...and you can have your child. I still love you...you know I won’t ever stop but like you said...it’s different now. But still as real.” Steve is overwhelmed with emotion and new information. They sit so he could catch his breath and talk over all they know.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Tell Danny was hard. Even though it happened before they got together, Danny knew how loyal Steve was and assume that was it for them. Steve did his best to reassure him that they weren’t done, not by his account. Danny needed time and as much as it hurt Steve to be away from him at a time like this, he respected Danny’s wishes. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t in a more than depressed state. All he could think about was losing Danny, not being a good father, realizing he was going to become an actual father! “-eve? Steve! STEVEN!” Steve snapped out of it when he realized that Danny was in front of him. He furrowed his brow. “Wh-what are you doing here?”It’d only been a few hours since Steve’s told Danny and Danny had left. “What do you mean what am I doing here? I sort of live here.”“I know but...I thought you needed some time?” “I did. And I had it. Plus your natural impulse control disappears at times like these. I was worried about you...”Steve tried to smile, but the uncertainty he felt deep in his bones made it hard to keep it. He reached over on instinct and interlocked their fingers, “How are you?”“I think I should be asking you that,” Danny replied.“I asked you first.” Steve quipped back. Danny rolled his eyes a bit, but in a fond manner as he placed his other hand over his and Steve’s interlocked ones. “I’ve had some time to think. This will have its hardships but...”“But?” Steve asked, hope creeping into his voice. “But...I’ve had two kids of my own. One in the ‘proper’ way that ended badly. And another kid, out of wedlock, without knowing he was mine for years...I can’t let you go through what I went through with Charlie. I won't be the reason you miss out on your kid’s life. But don’t you dare doubt for a damn second that I’m giving up on you. I love you.”Steve leaned in and kissed Danny fiercely, relief flooding him. “I love you too, Danno. So much.”“Then that’s all that matters. We’ll make plans, we’ll talk with Cat, we’ll tell the team, babyproof the house...looks like we’re having a baby.” Danny told him. And that’s when it hits Steve in that way. It never occurred to him like that. Danny and he were in a relationship. Once they figured out the custody and living arrangements...it would be their baby. Danny’s and his...because Danny was the best father ever, no contest.  And his child will have Danny to care and love them. He leaned in and kissed Danny again, he was so happy this was turning out so great. “We’re having a baby.”~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I’m falling asleep xD I’ll write the second part later. This was the setup, the next part will be the pregnancy, finding out the sex of the baby, the talking about the name, and the rest of it. But I hope you liked this so far ^^

[tay1019411]

This is all we know

It’s been years since the asteroid. Danny and the gang are now attending college together, each pursuing careers, forming new relationships, and amending past rivalries. But, this new chapter in life starts to get more complicated with ghost attacks increasing and old enemies teaming up (Post PP but Danny/Vlad DIDN’T reveal identities. Fentons and Valerie know Danny’s secret, string of oneshots connected by one problem)

Part 1 Part 2 

  (Part 3) Double Trouble

"Jack, I still can't get this part to bend right?"

Jack looked up from his tinkering to his wife, giving the part in her hand a critical look over. "Maybe we should use a different material?"

"I can't find another material like this that is nearly as conductive."

"We might need to add some heat then to make it more pliable."

"Is the torch still broken?" she asked, eyeing her husband with an annoyed look. Last week, her husband decided it was a good idea to break the torch down for parts for another invention idea. Said idea didn't work out so well, ending in another small explosion, like most his projects did. Said torch, however, was still in shambles on the workbench across the room.

Jack blushed lightly and laughed nervously while scratching the back of his neck. "I'll get on that."

"What is this meant to do again?" asked Vlad Masters. He was sitting across from Maddie and Jack, giving the various glowing parts in the center of the work table a puzzled look. He was eying them carefully as if they might bite him in the next minute, which seemed completely ridiculous to Jack. He knew Vlad did his own inventing, but then again, there was always a big chance for spontaneous combustions with most of his work, so he really couldn't blame is friend.

"It's something to help Danny," Jack said to his friend. Usually he and his wife were careful when explaining the true motivations behind most of their inventions, but recently, both parents were made aware by their son that their best friend from college knew about his half ghost status.

Jack had to admit he was relieved Vlad knew because he didn't want to hide anything from him, and it even seemed to have brought the Fenton family and their old college friend closer together, something Jack has been trying for years to do. He was happy to finally have things the way they used to be and Vlad was really a big help with Danny. Sometimes he seemed to truly connect with Danny even more than Jack or Maddie could.

"How is this going to help him?"

"We are trying to make a device that can increase his energy when fighting," Maddie said, her eyes still glued to the part she was working on. "Like an energy boost. But, we are having some troubles with the aftereffects. That's why we called you over here. We thought another brain could help, especially one that is just as well-verse in ecto-technology. It has the same general idea as the ectosuit you helped us with that one time."

"Yeah, same idea, just smaller and easier to hide," Jack smirked.

Just as Vlad was about to reply, the sound of the ghost alarms went off, lights flashing in the basement turned laboratory.

"A ghost?" Maddie yelled over the noise, rushing to the computer console to the other side of the room to silence the alarms.

"Do you know where it is?"

"City Park," Vlad answered.

Jack turned to the man. "How do you," but the questioned died in his throat as he saw what the mayor was looking at. The small T.V. was turned on to the news, showing his son in his ghost form fighting two ghosts.

"Do you think he needs our help?" Jack said, staring at the fight.

The T.V. showed Danny blocking an ectoblast from Ember's guitar, only to be surprised by SkulkTech delivering a swift slash to the unsuspecting halfa's back.

"I'm going to kill those two ghosts," Jack growled.

Maddie was instantly at his side, glaring coldly at the screen. "Let's go," she said as she threw Jack an ectogun while pocketing her own.

"I'm coming with you," Vlad said.

Both ghost-hunters looked at their friend, then at each other.

"Uh, Vlad," Maddie said timidly, not wanting to hurt the man's feelings. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Yeah, buddy," Jack interjected, feeling bad for the man. "I know you want to help and all, but we didn't train you yet for this, and we don't want you getting hurt."

The man looked like he was going to say something to object but seemed to think twice about. Heaving a sigh, he said, "Okay, I'll be here when you get back with Daniel."

Jack nodded. "Okay, V-man," he said grimly, too worried about what kind of shape his son was going to be in to really give his friend a proper goodbye. He turned towards the door to follow his wife, catching it just as it was about to shut. With another nod towards his old college friend, he ran to the GAV.

Maddie was already in the GAV with her seatbelt on but the time Jack made it to the driver's side of the vehicle. Within the next minute, he was already driving wildly fast on the road, disregarding the normal traffic laws even more than usual.

"Two bazookas, six ectoblasters, one specter deflector, three small ectobombs, and two thermoses," Maddie said. Jack looked over to see she was twisted in her seat, taking stock of the weapons in the back of the vehicle. After finding out their son's secret, they started to keep a lot more weapons in the GAV for times like these when they needed to leave quickly to help Danny.

Maddie twisted around so she was facing the windshield once more. "That should be enough for two ghosts."

"Ghosts don't usually team up like this," he said to his wife as he made a rough turn.

"They are getting smarter," she replied, keeping her steely gaze on the passing buildings.

Jack couldn't help but feel a heavy weight of dread sitting in the pit of his stomach, and that's when he thought the same thing he always did when this happened: what if this time they are too late? But, he didn't dare say it, not in front of his wife. He looked over at Maddie to see she was gripping her hands into tight fists, tight enough where he could see the whitening of her knuckles.

He would have put a reassuring hand on hers if it weren't for the fact he was driving more recklessly than usual. He pushed whatever doubts he had out of his mind, knowing he had to be the one out of the two of them to do it. He had to believe his son was okay.

"He is going to be okay," Jack said, glancing at his wife. She looked back at him, the same fear he was trying to hide in her eyes. "It's Danny," he said as if to reassure both her and himself.

He wanted to say something more to help his wife. He could see the tension in her, but he saw his son surrounded by the two ghosts coming into view. And, it wasn't looking too good. "I see them," he growled, making the vehicle come to a jerky stop and flinging himself out of it.

Maddie was at his side instantly, pulling out two bazookas and handing one to him while he clipped two ectobombs to her belt and slinged the thermos over her shoulder, doing the same to himself.

They both ran to where the fight was taking place, taking aim at the two ghosts. On a synchronized cue, they fired.

Maddie's blast hit the middle of SkulkTech's back while he hit Ember square in the chest, making the ghost plummet to the ground, creating a cement crater in her wake.

Jack ran straight to where Ember was, knowing the blast wouldn't keep her down for long. He aimed the gun at the already stirring ghost. "Make one move, and there won't be anything left of you to send back to the Ghost Zone.

Ember smirked at him. "You can't tell me what to do."

Before he could do anything, the ghost strummed her guitar, sending a wave of energy towards him.

His son suddenly appeared in front of him, holding up a ghost shield. He was only holding it up with one arm, the other dangling unnaturally at his side.

"You know, Ember," he gasped, letting down his shield as the attack ended. "I don't think you should anger the person holding the bazooka even more. Especially a Fenton."

"I'm going to kill you, dipstick," the ghost growled as she stood from her crater of cement.

The distinct sound of a thermos came from the left of the ghost. He barely had time to look over in the direction of the sound before the ghost was pulled in the swirling vortex that could only be created by the Fenton Thermos. By the time he did look in the direction where the vortex disappeared, he saw his wife holding the thermos with a stormy expression on her face.

Jack smiled, leave it to his wife to save the day; but that was never a surprise. "Good job, sweet-cheeks!"

Maddie jolted, her expression turning startled as she looked at Jack. He could tell she was still furious with the ghosts, especially since that one was about to toast both him and his son, but the minute she looked at his smile, she slowly began to smirk at him.

Jack looked around then, remembering there was another ghost in the fight too. "Where's the other one?"

Maddie's smile grew wider as she brought up the thermos, shaking it slightly.

"Man, that's hot," Jack said, smiling brightly at his wife.

"Nice aim," Danny said right beside Jack. He was holding his left arm tenderly, but the smile on his face never wavered.

Maddie came to Danny instantly, giving him a searching look, trying to pick out if there were any more injuries. She placed her hand on his shoulder, trying to look up at him. "Are you okay?"

Danny cupped her hand. "Mom," he whispered, eyeing the ever-increasing media closing in on them.

Jack looked at the media too, knowing what his son meant. The Fentons couldn't be seen worrying about Danny Phantom as if he was their son, that was a little too close for comfort if they wanted to keep Danny's secret.

Even though Jack understood this, Maddie, on the other hand, was worried about something entirely different. Her eyes narrowed at their son. "Why didn't you call us?"

"Phone is still broke," he said, smiling innocently at her.

She growled. "Danny—

"I'm fine," Danny interrupted, looking at both Maddie and Jack.

Maddie gave him an unconvinced look, then looked at the media starting to come closer to the three. She let out an aggravated huff.

"Get in the GAV. We will talk about this later."

"But—

"Daniel James Fenton," she harshly whispered, "If you don't do as I say, so help me…"

Danny winced back from her. "Okay, okay, I'm going."

Jack could only chuckle at him, for once not being on the receiving end of his wife's overprotective side.

"Mom, I'm fine," Danny said as they all got out of the GAV.

The door to the house opened, Vlad came through. He looked at Maddie and Jack, then at Danny. "Are you okay?"

Danny huffed, frustration knitting his eyes together. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine. Now, go to the kitchen and sit down. I need to find the first aid kit."

"Upstairs bathroom in the bottom cabinet on the left," Danny said automatically.

Maddie gave him an alarmed look, but quickly left to go get the kit.

"I think you just made it worse," Vlad said.

"I don't think that's possible," Danny said with a wince.

"Come on, let's do what your mother said and get you to the kitchen," Jack said. He gave his son a questioning look. "Do you need any help?"

His son shook his head. "I can manage."

The three men walked through house, both Vlad and Jack watching the youngest Fenton like a hawk.

Danny went straight to one of the chairs, sitting down carefully. He was still cradling his left arm.

"It looks broken," Jack said, pulling a chair in front of his son and sitting on it to get a better look at his arm. He touched the already swelling lump in the middle of his son's forearm. There was another lump forming towards the end of his arm near the wrist.

"Looks like it's broken in two places," he corrected, trying to hide just how much it bothered him. He knew Maddie was freaking out enough for the both of them. He had to keep his head for the sake of his son.

"Yeah, pretty sure it is," Danny said, looking at his arm. "I have to reset it if I want it to heal faster and in the right way."

"Do we need to go to the hospital?" Jack said, looking back at Vlad, who was leaning against the breakfast bar, with an unsure expression.

Vlad didn't notice Jack's attention, still looking at Danny. The only sign of how truly concerned his friend was, was from the grim set in his lips. He knew Vlad cared a lot more for Danny than the man let on. That was another reason why he was thankful Vlad knew about Danny. His son needed as much support as possible.

"No, I can do it," his son said off-handedly.

Jack's eyes widened. "What?"

"I can do it," he repeated, giving him a weird look.

"H-how do you know how to reset a bone?"

His son looked away, suddenly uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation.

"You've done it before," Jack guessed, feeling almost sick to his stomach at the thought of his son resetting his own bones enough to know exactly how to do it.

"Yeah."

"How didn't we know about this?" Jack pressed.

Danny half-shrugged, lifting only one shoulder. "I didn't really tell you guys. Besides it happened less after you guys found out."

He stared at his son blankly for a minute. He looked momentarily back at where his wife disappeared to then back at Danny. "How 'bout we don't tell your mom that."

Danny looked at the stairs, wincing. "Yeah, let's not."

Jack laughed, mussing up his son's hair affectionately.

"If you two want to keep it that way, you better do it quickly before she comes down," Vlad said, giving the stairs a meaningful look.

Jack gave his friend a grateful nod, then turned toward Danny with a grim expression. "Okay, what do you need me to do?"

Danny shook his head. "I got this. It's actually pretty easy with a little intangibility and invisibility."

Jack cocked his head to the side, not really knowing what his son was getting at.

Danny laid his left arm carefully on the table, easing it down gently with the other hand cupping it to avoid any further movement of the broken bones. Once the arm was securely placed on the dinner table, as if to demonstrate what exactly his son meant, Jack watched in fascinated horror as Danny's arm slowly became invisible section by section, through the skin, through the fatty tissue, muscles, until all he saw was bone embedded between muscle tissues and vessels. Jack felt his stomach drop. He could see where the two parts of the bone was nastily broken.

"And, now all I need to do is just push it into place," Danny said, using his other hand to maneuver the first broken section of the bone.

And that's when Jack felt it. The queasiness. His vision blurring. It was all happening too rapidly for him to even look away. And, suddenly, everything went dark.

Jack's body slid out from the chair, falling to the tiled floor of the kitchen with a resounding thud.

Danny just stared blankly at his dad, hand still poised in his arm. "Did he just…"

"I'm surprised he made it this long actually," Vlad said with a chuckle.

Danny looked to Vlad, giving him a questioning look.

Vlad shrugged at the him. "Jack never like human anatomy, well, at least the part where we had to dissect a cat in college biology."

"Huh," Danny said. "But, why did he threaten to dissect me all those times?"

Vlad gave him a leveled look. "I think that was your mother."

"Oh. Oh, yeah, right."

"Besides," Vlad said with a smile, "ghost anatomy isn't really like human anatomy. Half-ghost, however, is a different story."

"So," Danny said, looking at the unconscious body of his dad. "What are we going to do, now?"

"SERIOUSLY?" Roared a very angry Maddie Fenton who was staring at the scene currently in the kitchen. Danny was pretty sure most of her anger was directed at him and his dad, with his dad being passed out on the floor and Danny being caught red-handed, literally, with his hand deep in his arm and a bone that wasn't fixed yet.

Danny looked helplessly at Vlad, hoping the man, with all his cleverness and past scheming, had a way to get out of this; but whatever hope he had withered out of existence when the man looked at him with the same fear in his eyes.

Yeah, there was no way any of them were getting out of here anytime soon today.

[boofphil]

this isn’t you - 1

summary: phil just wants to know who dan really is. he isn't like the rest of the football team, who bully people and harass girls. he's hiding something from everyone, something that maybe isn't as bad as he thinks it is.but dan doesn't know how to stand up for himself and the memory of how painfully lonely he was keeps him on the team.a series of unfortunate events (that slowly turn into fortunate ones) may change that, however.

genre: angst with a happy ending, slow burn

word count: ~4000

chapters: 1/19

warnings: bullying, homophobic/transphobic slurs

a/n: this fic is a gift to @dreamdilddy ! merry christmas c: i hope you enjoy this! the idea came to me in a strangely detailed dream. 

fic updates every sunday

prompt: I'm really into like slowburn/friends to lovers type stuff. it's my absolute favorite and I'm not very picky when it comes to it!

ao3 link

Dan should have been more careful when spying on the theatre club.

It wasn’t that he was doing it with malicious intentions, he simply couldn’t afford to be caught. He had many reasons to hide. For starters, he was supposed to be at football practice. It was unbearably cold outside, however, and the coach insisted on them still practicing two hours three days a week no matter the temperature. Dan wasn’t in the mood in the mood for freezing to death.

Secondly, if the football team knew where he had gone, the humiliation and bullying he would have to endure would be unbearable. He still remembered the bruising he received when he had mentioned going to the school play at the beginning of the season.

The team was, essentially, a bunch of bigoted boys who thought they were cooler than everyone else.

Which brings up the third point. It would seem suspicious that he was only there to watch the rehearsals. The football team was notorious for playing pranks on the theatre club (when Dan asked why, they had explained that it was their punishment for being “a club of fags”).

The thing is, he loved theatre and wished he could be apart of it. But pressure from his parents to join something sporty and the overwhelming loneliness lead Dan to joining the football team instead. Dan was mediocre at the sport and figured he wouldn’t be picked at tryouts. Apparently he had underestimated himself, as he’d been one of the first people chosen to be on the team.

He had been distracted by the singing of the lead actor of the play when everything went to hell. He was too focused on the melodramatic song to realize that someone was approaching his hiding area. It was only when that person began moving the boxes that Dan began to panic. There wasn’t any other place he could escape to; he hadn’t thought out his hiding place very well. It was either he be discovered by whoever was moving the boxes or run out from behind and cause a scene.

Dan was trapped.

He squeezed his eyes shut, accepting fate. Hopefully it’d be somebody who didn’t hate the football team, though his brain quickly reasoned that there was not one person in the theatre club who didn’t hate the football team’s guts.

“What the hell are you doing here?” a voice hissed, making Dan flinch. “Don’t you have football practice?”

Dan opened his eyes, keeping them on the floor. “I-I was leaving right now, sorry-”

“Trying to play another prank on us?”

Dan finally looked up and was met with the face of Phil Lester. He didn’t know much about Phil, other than some kids on the team liked to beat him up every now and then.

“No, I swear, I wasn’t-”

Phil scoffed and grabbed Dan’s arm. “Save it, Howell. We all know the football team wants to humiliate us again, don’t try to play innocent.”

Dan felt curls of panic forming in his stomach. They increased as Phil dragged him out of his hiding space, trying to bring him into the stage.

“Please, no, I promise I was only watching,” Dan begged, heartbeat increasing as he fought against Phil’s grip.

“You’re such a terrible liar.” He overpowered Dan’s panicking struggles and brought him onstage, disrupting the scene that had been going on.

Dan stared at the ground, trying to will away the red shame on his cheeks. He listened in horror as people reacted to his presence.

“Phil? What’s going on?”

“Why is he here?”

“Is that Dan Howell?”

Dan could hardly breath. There were so many eyes on him, all of them tearing him apart and judging him based on his association with the football team. He felt sick and dizzy from the amount of anxiety Dan had rushing through him.

“I found him hiding behind some prop boxes. Looks like the football team is trying to prank us again,” Phil loudly announced, his voice echoing through the auditorium.

Dan didn’t need to look up to know that everyone was scowling at him. He needed to play it cool, as it was expected of him. Be mean and arrogant like the rest of the team. Have no respect, just like the captain told him.

“The only people you respect is the football team,” the captain had jeered, “and girls with big boobs.”

The team had erupted into laughter at that, Dan nervously joining in.

He kept his eyes trained to the ground, waiting for someone to act.

“Well, if they were going to prank us, they should have sent a better person.” Dan knew that voice; it was Maria, the director of the play. Her slight accent and loud voice made her very recognizable even without looking up.  

“Everybody knows Dan is the clumsiest person on the team. I’m surprised they even keep him with how much he messes up.”

Dan clenched his hands together, fighting off the urge to recoil or run off. He needed to be strong. “There was no prank.”

Maria snorted. “Oh really? Then tell me, why were you hiding back there?”

Dan couldn’t tell her the truth, that he longed to be apart of the play, that he knew every line of his favorite character. Word would spread like wildfire and Dan would have to face the football team.

“That’s what I thought.”

Dan listened to her heavy footsteps as they approached him. He stiffened up and finally dragged his eyes off the ground, facing Maria head on.

Maria stopped in front of him, her eyes icy daggers that looked over him and made him feel insecure. Dan didn’t know alot about Maria, but he did know that she was very intimidating and not somebody to cross.

Maria smirked. “I have an idea.” The way she said it let Dan know that he was not going to like this idea. “Why don’t you pay us back for all the times your team has pranked us?”

Murmurs of agreement rose around him. Dan’s heart pounded nervously and his palms were becoming sweaty, though he tried to ignore it.

“And what makes you think I’ll do that?”

Maria’s smirk didn’t even twitch. Dan had to admire her confidence and ability to face Dan head on. “Because if you don’t, we’ll make sure that the football team hears about you being here, listening intently to the play, reciting every word to yourself, and pretending that you were the star of the show, that you were doing this instead of football practice.”

She nailed the point right on. He knew that there was no point in telling the truth; Maria wouldn’t believe him and it’d only humiliate him more.

Dan crossed his arms both trying to look intimidating and to hide the shakiness of his hands. “What do you want from me then?” he snapped.

Maria grinned, knowing she had won. “That’s up to the rest of the crew. Everyone here wants some sort of revenge; the football team made sure to make everyone’s job much more difficult You’ll do whatever is asked by whoever. If you complain or cause any trouble, there will be consequences.”

The crew cheered in approval. The cheers filled Dan with dread, his stomach knotting up. Someone even called dibs on him.

Maria smiled at everyone, bathing in the approval of her crewmates. “You come and do what they want for two times a week and we’ll all pretend that we never saw you here. But if you dare make any slip up, we can’t promise that our mouths will remain shut. It’s all up to you what you choose to do. Got it?”

Dan could only nod slowly, fearing that any words would reveal how terrified he really was.

“Good.” Maria patted his shoulder, then pushed him over to the crowd of crew members. They all glared at him, each one holding some sort of grudge. “Now, what shall be our first job for our friend Dan?”

Dan watched in horror as people began shouting out, trying to claim him to work on their part of the play. He let his eyes fall back to the ground, his shoulders slumping with it, and his tough facade melted away. Maria went through each request loudly, but her voice sounded like white noise compared to the anxiety that was coursing through Dan’s veins.

“I’ve called dibs already!” someone yelled, pushing through the crowd.

“Eloise,” Maria greeted.

“The football pulled a prank on the makeup crew last week. Thought it would be funny to cover all our makeup in powder. We can hardly get to it without sneezing or having some kind of allergic reaction.”

Maria nodded sympathetically. Then, she turned to Dan. “Looks like you got yourself a job, Danny boy.” She shoved him forward towards Eloise. “Go on, Eloise will show you where it’s at.”

Dan sighed, trudging slowly after Eloise. She began yapping away about how awful the football team was, but Dan didn’t say anything. She was right about everything and he didn’t want to try to argue that he wasn’t like the rest of them.

The whole cleaning process left him with a raw throat and watery eyes. The entire time, the makeup crew had mocked him and laughed at him, making him feel worse. By the end of the practice, Dan wanted nothing more than to curl up in his bed and cry.

He headed out without a coat (one of the theatre members had stolen it) and made the long journey home, having missed the bus. He shivered as he walked, his eyes watery and making it hard to see. Home seemed so far away and he couldn’t get there fast enough.

When he did get home, he collapsed on the couch inside, curling up with some blankets to stop the shivering. He needed water to soothe his throat and clothes that weren’t his scratchy uniform. He waited until his shivering was relatively under control before finally getting up.

After changing into clothes, he went to the kitchen and got himself a glass of water. As he gulped down the water, trying to clear his throat, Dan couldn’t help but feel bitterness towards the theatre club. They’d essentially turned him into a puppet, obeying them out of fear of being blackmailed.

Phil could have easily left him alone or simply thrown him out, but instead he had to embarrass him in front of the whole club and ruin any opportunities Dan had at redeeming himself and joining the club. He cursed his asshole teammates for tormenting the theatre club and for inadvertently getting him in the situation he was in.

Dan knew it was partially his fault too; no one was supposed to be in the theatre during rehearsals and he had been skipping football practice. He’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time and was paying for it now.

Dan sighed, putting the now empty water glass down. He could kiss his dream of being the lead role in a play goodbye.

-

Dan’s stomach growled once again. Dan paused from putting away a costume, pressing a hand against his stomach. One of the theatre students had taken to stealing Dan’s snacks that he packed for after school. Usually, it was an annoyance at most, but Dan hadn’t had any money for lunch. The most he had eaten was two pieces of toast for breakfast.

“Get back to work, Howell,” the costume manager, Ty, yelled. Dan turned to see him glaring at Dan, watching his every move and waiting to lash out.

Dan hated the costume manager and wasn’t surprised to hear that everyone else working costumes hated him too. Ty was cold and unlikeable and very disorganized. He was supposed to have organized the pile Dan was currently going through, but Ty had instead waited until he had Dan under his control to do it. He’d been watching Dan like a hawk the entire time, not letting him take a moment’s break.

Dan was starting to feel nauseous and dizzy from both the hunger and from being on his feet for too long. He knew he was going to pass out soon if he didn’t take a break or get some food in his system.

That’s why the moment Ty looked away, Dan took off running towards the dressing rooms. Most people were near the stage wings, focusing on perfecting the cues, allowing him to slip through the door that lead to the dressing rooms without any trouble. He was distantly aware of yelling coming from behind him, but he didn’t care; he’d rather not pass out and embarrass himself even further. He could risk getting in trouble with Maria. She seemed too focused on the play anyway to notice any commotion backstage.

He found himself heading towards the lounge area where a fridge was at. He remembered overhearing people talking about putting their food in there to save for breaks during rehearsal. Dan didn’t hesitate to make a beeline for it once he entered the lounge, stomach demanding food.

Dan figured a little bit of food wouldn’t hurt. Nobody would miss it.

Inside the fridge, people’s food sat, unknowingly being scanned over by a hungry teenage boy. His eyes landed on a rather large sandwich and his hands grabbed it without giving Dan time to think.

Dan sat down at the table set up in the middle of the lounge, unwrapping the sandwich. He felt slightly bad for whoever’s sandwich he was about to eat, but the growling in his stomach was enough to overpower any guilt he had.

He had taken a few bites of the sandwich when Phil burst through the door, scanning the room with wild eyes. They froze when they say Dan and the sandwich.

Dan felt his cheeks start to burn, the tell tale sign that he was blushing. He ignored them and instead took another bite of the sandwich, albeit much slower than he had been earlier.

“That’s my sandwich,” Phil said, glaring at Dan.

Guilt pooled in Dan’s stomach. Already he looked bad in Phil’s perspective, this merely made him look much worse. He continued eating the sandwich, however. He was hungry. “Not anymore, I guess.”

Phil stormed over, barely letting Dan have another bite before snatching it away. Dan looked towards the tabletop, not wanting to make eye contact in fear that he’d feel even more guilty. He felt awful and not tough or cool at all. Wasn’t he supposed to feel that way? His teammates always did after they stole someone’s lunch.

All he felt was guilt.

“What’s your problem? All you ever do is act like you’re some entitled brat who can humiliate others that you deem lower than yourself and take whatever or whoever you want.”

Dan didn’t say anything. The part of the sandwich that he did manage to eat was now aching in his stomach.

“I have no respect for someone like you. Nobody does.”

Dan felt his eyes water, the hunger making him more sensitive than he usually was. No, this couldn’t happen. Not here, not now. He wasn’t going to let Phil see him cry over something as silly as getting yelled at. Dan quickly rubbed at his eyes, hoping to hide the tears that had began to form in them.

“I didn’t have lunch,” Dan finally snapped, sounding much more pathetic than he had intended to. “And one of your theatre friends keeps stealing the food I do save.”

It was Phil’s turn to be silent.

Dan looked up at Phil and before he could stop himself, words were tumbling out of his mouth that were never meant to be said.”I didn’t ask for all this, you know. I never wanted to join the football team and become somebody who treats everyone else like shit. I know that I’m some God-awful person that nobody can stand, okay? And I’m sorry for it, I never wanted to be that kind of person.” Dan sighed and turned away, feeling tears in his eyes again. “I’m sorry. You’re right; it’s your sandwich, and I have no right stealing it.”

Phil stared at Dan, shocked from his outburst. The way he looked now, unable to make eye contact and cheeks red from shame, was foreign to what Phil expected of him. He was expecting a fight, physical or verbal, and for Dan to insult him back. He didn’t expect Dan to agree with him and apologize.

Before he could think properly, Phil slid the sandwich back over to Dan. “H-here, you can have this.”

Dan stared at him, confused. He wanted it badly, but only a moment earlier Phil had been yelling at him for taking it. Now he wanted Dan to have it? “Are you sure?”

Phil nodded. “You’re obviously hungry; I can hear your stomach growling from over here. I don’t need the sandwich anyway, I had a pretty big lunch.”

Dan hesitated, then snatched up the sandwich and began to devour it. Phil stayed silent as Dan ate, mulling over Dan’s words. Dan had basically told him he didn’t want to be on the football team and that he knew they treated everyone like shit.

The more he thought about it, the more Phil realized that Dan didn’t exactly fit in with the rest of the players. Dan always went along with anything the theatre club had him do without complaining or putting up a fight. He’d been respectful of everyone, even when Maria was gone. And when Phil had originally found him hiding behind the boxes, he had almost looked scared.

Dan was more aloof than rude, unlike the other football players. It didn’t make any sense; why was Dan on the football team if he knew they were awful?

“Why’d you apologize?”

Dan looked up briefly from eating his sandwich before looking away. “Like I said, it wasn’t right of me to steal your sandwich, even if I was starving. It’s common sense.”

This only made Phil more intrigued about the mystery that Dan was slowly becoming. “Why are you on the football team?” Phil blurted out.

Dan shrugged. “I like football.” He’d dealt with this question long enough to know how to respond.

Phil shook his head in disbelief. “There’s plenty of people here who love football but refuse to join because of the team. And you obviously don’t like the football team; so why are you on it?”

Dan shifted uncomfortably. He’d finished the sandwich, leaving him no excuse to stay silent. He’d already told Phil too much; he barely knew Phil. For all he knew, Phil could be secretly plotting another way to embarrass him in front of the theatre club. Dan stood up, preparing to leave.

“Dan-”

“It’s none of your business,” Dan said, “I like football so I joined the team. There’s nothing more to it than that.”

Phil watched wordlessly as Dan slipped out, heading back to do who-knows-what. Phil frowned after him.

Dan didn’t join the football team because he liked football, that much was obvious to Phil. He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Maybe some things were better left alone.

-

Dan didn’t see Phil for a long time after that, thankfully. He didn’t want to risk more interrogation or spilling more of his secrets. He didn’t need to deal with a too curious boy pestering him about a decision he’d made long ago.

Phil had already told the whole theatre club he had been spying on them for a “prank”. What would stop him from telling everyone about Dan’s true distaste for the football team?

Dan felt like he was walking on eggshells around the theatre club. He constantly panicked whenever he heard his name being whispered or saw someone looking his way for too long. He tried to keep himself distracted with chores, but the theatre club was being oddly nice and giving him only easy tasks that took ten minutes at most.

Dan had a feeling it was because the football team had been leaving them alone. Dan was kind of glad for it; the team had been focusing their efforts more on preparing for a tournament than beating up fellow classmates. Unfortunately, that didn’t last for long.

It was lunch break and the team had agreed to have some fun (Dan having said nothing, knowing what this “fun” would be). Dan trailed along behind them, occasionally adding in the appropriate statement or laugh.

It made him feel guilty, allowing these people to get beat up while he stood back and pretended to be the bully, all because he didn’t want to be the on being bullied. He refused to look at the person that was chosen to be the victim, fearing that the guilt would overwhelm him.

He followed them miserably as they moved down the halls, looking for the next victim. Dan wasn’t paying attention to what was happening, instead mentally battling his consciousness like he always did when this happened.

What he wasn’t expecting, however, was for the team to go after Phil.

Dan watched helplessly, nausea pooling in his stomach, as the team captain, Luke, shoved Phil up against the locker. Dan knew what was going to happen next.

Luke threw a punch while Dan watched cowardly. He couldn’t find any malice or ill feelings towards Phil that he had earlier that would make the experience easier on Dan. It only made him feel more guilty; why couldn’t he stand up for Phil?

His teammates were laughing, Luke kicking Phil’s side as he laid curled up on the floor. Dan felt dizzy as Luke hit Phil’s face, Phil wincing with pain and protecting his face with his hands. Dan swore years passed before they were finally done with Phil.

Dan was grateful when the team began to leave, forgetting about Dan’s existence in favor of finding a suitable target to harass. Dan didn’t bother following after them; if he saw one more person being bullied, he knew he’d throw up out of guilt.

Phil’s lip was bleeding and he was clutching his stomach, trying to sit up.

“A-are you okay?” Dan whispered, frozen still in his spot.

Phil glared at him and tried to get up, but his limbs were still shaking from the whole ordeal. Dan finally moved, coming over to help Phil stand up. At first, Phil tried to fight him, but gave in and let Dan pull him up. Dan winced as he heard Phil groan in pain, his body sensitive to any contact.

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered, staring at the ground.

Phil sighed. “It’s fine, it happens all the time.”

That only proved to make Dan feel worse. “You shouldn’t have to,” he muttered.

Phil looked at Dan in surprise. The silence stretched on, until Phil finally spoke again.

“You really don’t belong with them.”

Dan bit his lip, fearing what would come next. He couldn’t risk it.

Phil didn’t expect an answer for Dan. “Thanks for uh-helping me I guess.”

“I didn’t really do anything, I’m sorry.”

Phil smiled softly at Dan. “It’s alright, being here is enough.”

Dan returned the smile, albeit smaller. “I-uh have to go. But, thank you.”

Phil nodded, letting Dan dash off to catch up with the team of assholes. Phil could feel the bruise forming on his belly and knew he needed to stop the bleeding soon, however he couldn’t help but stare after Dan.

Dan was a boy full of secrets, that was for sure.

[surelysilly]

can you hear me? [danny phantom]

happy angst day!!!! i hope this is angsty!!!

It’s a new school, a fresh start. You’re so excited you can barely breathe, eyes darting from window pane to unfamiliar and new people walking ahead, beside, behind you.

Class is almost upon you, thought, so despite the restless energy bodily contained, you make it to class without talking to anyone. It’s English, but you’ve already forgotten the teacher’s name. The man is behind his desk, and you dother a moment before he notices you.

“Transfer student?” he asks, and you nod. The bell dings and who is maybe the last of the class darts in, a boy with dark hair. The man frowns at him, and the boy shoots the teacher a sheepish look before taking his seat. “On time for once, Mr. Fenton.”

“I haven’t been late once this semester, Mr. Lancer,” the boy cheeks, Fenton.

You blink, and mutter the name to yourself. Mr. Lancer. Right.

Something… sad, drifts across Mr. Lancer’s face, highlighting the lines on his face, but before you can think more on it, he’s standing. “Yes, that is true… well. Class, today will be the first day of a new student…” he starts, and drifts off, looks at you.

Oh! Straightening, you say, “My name is Chaim Blau, it’s nice to meet you!”

There are a smattering of Hellos in return, some friendly smiles in your direction.

“Yes, Mr. Blau will be joining us from here on out. Please make him welcome, and Mr. Blau take an open seat and we’ll begin.”

Seat. Empty seat. There’s a few scattered around, but Fenton has about one on every side of him. You hope no one is late, and head for the window seat in front of his. There are whispers, but you’re too giddy to care.

“Is this seat open?” you say, hands tight on your backpack’s straps.

Fenton brightens. “Yep, Tucker and Sam sit beside and behind me but this one is good.”

You sit with a relieved smile. “Thanks, I’m,  um, y’know, Chaim,” you say, something of a rush with nerves.

“I’m Danny,” the boy says, and pointedly looks past your shoulder.

Mr. Lancer’s looking at you when you turn around in your seat. He’s got that strange look to his face again, eyes intense. Confused, you furrow your eyebrows, but then his face smooths over.

He clears his throat. “Alright class, we’re starting a new unit today…”

Class passes like a breeze, the second and third even more so. Danny isn’t in those periods, but you do share lunch. So, you’re looking for him when another student taps your shoulder.

“Hi, you’re the new student, right?” she asks, unsure. You nod, and her shoulders ease, just a little. “Oh, good, okay. I’m here to invite you to eat lunch with me and my friends.”

She points, and a table full of a mess of other students wave back. You grin back.

“Sure, I’ll sit with you guys, can my friend Danny come too?”

Her face immediately sours, not with distaste you think, but. Something like unease. “He always sits at that back table,” and she points this out too. You actually see Danny, and he spots you in turn. Waves. You don’t wave back. “He… He can’t sit with us.”

You frown. “Well, that’s not fair,” you say, and shift your tray in your hands. “He’s nice too.”

The girl grimaces. “It's… not that. Look, you’re new, and don’t know yet–” she starts, and then bites her lip. You feel like maybe she’s done this before. “Maybe you ought to learn the hard way,” she mutters, and walks off without so much as a by-your-leave.

Weird, and mean. You huff, glance briefly at the table full of now solemn fellow students, before making your way to Danny. His table is empty save you two, and it’s depressing.

“Anyone else coming?” you ask despite it.

Swallowing a mouthful of food, Danny shakes his head. “Tucker and Sam aren’t here, and my sister graduated last year, so it’s just me today.” Your indignation must show on your face because he adds, “Look, it’s alright. People think my parents are beyond strange and avoid me as a result. I don’t care for them anyway, so.”

“So,” you echo, a little sadly. This is totally unfair. “So. What do they do then?”

Danny narrows his eyes ar you, tentatively says, “Hunt ghosts. Or, well, try to prove they exist.”

Your spoonful of what you hope is applesauce bumps into the corner of your mouth. “What?” you squeak, surprised. “Ghosts?”

“Yeah,” he hedges, unsure. “That doesn't… freak you out, or something?”

“Well, no,” you admit, and scratch at your right ear. “It’s a divided debate whether they exist but… I believe there’s a way to communicate but we really shouldn’t. At least not start the conversation. If the dead have something to say, they’ll find a way.”

Danny blinks at you. “That sounds..  oddly specific.”

You shrug. “It’s a topic,” you say, maybe a touch defensive.

The other boy raises his hands in surrender, but the conversation is dropped. Lunch goes nicely after that, and sadly, you have to part ways with Danny again, sharing only but the one class you find. He puts his cell phone number in yours, a little envious of the smartphone you carry compared to his razor.

Tomorrow comes quickly, dawns bright and breezy. Mom sees you off at the entrance, and you dither, waiting for Danny. It’s ten minutes til, and still, he hasn’t shown up. You shift anxiously for a few more minutes before giving up, and make it to class right after the bell rings.

“Get lost, Mr. Blau?” Mr. Lancer asks, arching an eyebrow.

You nod, glumly, because you did turn down the wrong hall at first. Turning, you see your seat, and behind it, Danny, looking out of the window.

He doesn’t look at you until you sit down into your desk, bookbag thumping against its legs. Danny brightens. “Hey,” he starts, and at your disappointed look, pauses. “Um, did I do something to you…?”

“You left me hanging,” you grumble, and at his quizzical look, continues, “we were supposed to meet up at the front doors?”

He tilts his head. “Uh, sorry, I don't… have we met?”

Your insides run cold. “Um, yes?” you venture. “I just transfered yesterday…?”

Danny shakes his head. “You must have me mixed up with someone else, I was absent yesterday, so…”

So.

“This isn’t funny,” you say, and voice wavering. “I thought you wanted to be friends.”

“Oh, we can be friends? My name is Danny,” he says, and actually offers his hand.

“This isn’t funny!” you shout, and then just as quickly quell at a hand on your shoulder.

It’s Mr. Lancer. “Mr. Blau, step outside with me, okay?” he says, and you nod, stiffly, and refuse to even look at Danny.

The class is whispering, but your mind’s swimming as if through sludge. Your first friend. Stupid. Of course, prank the new kid…

The hallway is silent, long and empty, unfamiliar. You miss your old school, suddenly and irrationally. You’d hoped to leave behind the cruelty, but. Clearly you haven’t.

“Mr. Blau…”

“Why would he do that?” you demand, and the edges of your vision are going blurry. “I didn't… I didn’t do anything wrong…”

“Mr. Blau,” Mr Lancer repeats, stern, you quiet, cowed. The teachers at your last school didn’t care either. “Chaim. Mr. Fenton… requires patience, if you’re to be his friend.”

You wipe at your eyes, sniff. “Like… special needs?”

But Mr. Lancer is shaking his head. “No, he's… Oh, there’s never an easy way to say this,” he mumbles, and seems to deflate. “Mr. Fenton… Danny, he’s dead, Mr. Blau.”

Your heart stutters. “W-What?”

“He’s a ghost,” Mr. Lancer says, and the sadness is back on his face. “He died, but he doesn’t quite realize that, well. He’s no longer alive.”

Dread overtakes you. What that girl said to you yesterday echoes in your ears. “I, I can’t,” you say, and. “I can’t. ”

“I understand,” Mr. Lancer says, careful to keep any disappoint from his voice, but you hear it anyway. “You can sit beside Miss Keller from now on, she’s directly across from you.”

Your words haunt you all day after you change seats, make careful work of ignoring Danny’s curious looks. If the dead have something to say, they’ll find a way. Lunch is a quiet affair and eaten alone surrounded by people who don’t try to interact with you, sure the other kids are thinking, Told you so. Classes drag by, and the day ends.

“Mom,” you say, and she glances at you briefly, eyes mainly on the road. “Mom, there’s a dead kid at school. A ghost.”

She blinks. “You met him? Is he nice?”

Betrayal stings. “Why, why didn’t you tell me?” you demand, vision going hazy. “I, I looked so stupid trying to be his friend.”

The car takes a right. “Well, maybe he has something to say?” she offers, and you flinch. “Everyone deserves a friend, and everyone he knew is gone now. Tell me, how would you feel if no one wanted to be your friend because of what you are, hm?”

“But… But this isn’t the same—”

“Was he mean to you?”

Your silence is answer enough.

“He’s stuck, but adaptable, and he’ll eventually remember you. But. But. If it’s too much, no one will judge you,” she continues. “He won’t even remember it by tomorrow.”

But I’ll remember, you think.

“No one is forcing you, I’ll put my foot up someone’s butt if I have to,” she promises, and it startles a laugh out of you. Butt. “Ah, yes, teenage humor, never fails.”

“I love you, Mom,” you say, earnest.

She smiles. “And, I love you.”

The next day, you’re already in your seat when Danny arrives. It’s like the class is collectively holding their breath to see what you do, but all you do is smile at his wide eyed look.

“Oh, hey, new here?” he asks, and drops his backpack on his desk. Danny pauses after a moment, squints. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

You turn around in your seat, heart beating maybe a little fast. “Maybe, but I’m the new transfer student, Chaim,” you say, brightly.

Danny grins, the bewilderment fading from his face. “Oh, well, if no one’s said it yet, let me just say,” he starts, and then chirps grandly, ”Welcome to Casper High!”

[artificialzeezee]

Satire Sexuality: Cocktails and resolutions.

Summary: Cis!girl bitney - University brings out things never expected within people. The truth, the lies, the worst of the best and everything in-between. There’s the pressure of first time independence along with finding yourself, and the dread of loneliness that needs to find time in your schedule. Drinking, smoking, sex and studying; life has to keep going. Couples meet, lovers clash and it all happens while becoming an adult, what could go wrong?

Happy New Year! Alix makes an appointment, Danny consoles his best friend, and everyone plays drinking games.

Warning: LGBT+ issues (such as homophobia, transphobia and the conflict of coming out), many sexual references, alcohol and drug mentions and violence. (not always relevant to each chapter but to be expected) - Mostly original characters minus girl!Bianca and girl!Courtney

[A lot of in depth conversation about transition, and an outsiders feelings that may come off as offensive but aren’t intended. It’s not really trigger worthy but better to put a warning than not!] 

[P.s. a pretty long chapter- as in 30 pages long. I didn’t want to split it up and have a two parter again so I just left it to be really long! Enjoy!<33]

PART FIFTEEN: “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

-

There wasn’t a chemical difference that festered in the air- burnt on bare skin to accompany the knowledge that it was a new year, people just knew and celebrated that the beginning was back. A freshness caught in the fruitful, buoyant space of their lungs. New years was a time for new starts and plans of action.

Bianca decided she wanted to be back in Wandsworth for New Years. Despite Kendra’s protests, Bianca insisted she’d already taken up too much space in her mother’s apartment and she just wanted to be alone. Truthfully, Bianca couldn’t bare watching Kendra so happy with her parents, not being able to experience the same thing. She couldn’t bare being around her best friend after her small break down, as the embarrassment weighed down like dark entities, and she needed to be away. Back in the flat, alone, pitying herself. 

“I feel good with you. Really good, and I woke up missing you.”

She hasn’t been able to forget her conversation with Courtney, and how stale it felt. The broken barriers between them, Bianca felt herself slowly and surely fixing them, in order to never let herself get so hurt by the blonde bombshell again. The whole train ride home, Bianca finds her chest lunging for someone that’s not there, and her hands ache to touch the curves she knows will bring her to tears. Her head pounds, never taking a break from the dawning thoughts that soon she’ll be reunited with Courtney, and she’s nervous about it. Terribly nervous, that every so often, if she pounders too long about it, she feels deathly nauseous and dizzy.

That’s why when she arrives back at the apartment, she wastes as little to no time there. She throws her suitcase in her room and calls Zara.

“Well well well, if it isn’t my favourite yank.”

“You having a party tonight, Z?”

“What do you think? Of fucking course! I thought you were out of town though-”

“I need to get wasted, and I need to get laid. Are you going to help me achieve these goals?”

“I love it when you talk dirty to me. Get your ass here at 8 o’clock, and bring a bottle of something. Preferably vodka.”

She puts on all her best makeup. Slick wings, feathery fake lashes, and the cherry on top of the cake that has become a signature of Bianca’s, the luscious plump red lips. Desirable, exquisite, and she can’t wait to smother the colour across someone’s pink lips later, in a drunken wonderment of lust. She straightens her hair, long and luxurious, shimmering in the pink sun set, as it peaks through Bianca’s open window. She puts on waist high jeans with a small yellow smiley face stitched into the flare, and an orange flimsy shirt tied in the middle. Admiring her reflection, she notes the bumps of her body and sighs with dissatisfaction.

Courtney was beautiful - she could wear this same outfit, and be a beckon of allure, and Bianca is nothing but a lump of disinterest. Her chest isn’t supple and delicate for the low cut collar, her hips aren’t perfectly chiseled to hide the truth of her stretch marks, and her presence isn’t flawless, effortless sex appeal that “little miss perfect” could do without even breaking a sweat. Bianca envied her, for her slender frame, her baby face, and her precious, wide innocent eyes that made everyone fall at her feet like slaves.

Bianca didn’t like to admit it, but she was self conscious. Sometimes she liked how she looked, sometimes she didn’t care, but more than likely she found herself wishful for a reflection that didn’t make her skin crawl. Looking at herself, and seeing how her curves didn’t look womanly, but rather just made her look bloated and lumpy, she envied those around her. Courtney’s stick-like legs, Kendra’s keen jaw line, Zara’s extensive height giving her the appearance of a rake. Bianca was surrounded by slim women who barely lifted a finger to gain attraction. 

And Bianca just wasn’t one of them. 

She had a cup size bigger than her face, and she had a wide ass, and thighs that chaffed when she walked. She had a double chin looking down at her phone, and sometimes she stressed that sleeveless outfits made her arms look fat.  Looking at herself, her heart fluttered nervously, thinking people would laugh at her. She tugged her trousers up a little, tossed her long hair over her back and turned to her side to see her bum. 

“Least that aint so bad.” She chuckled. She shook her head, deciding despite her self confidence being dust under her high heels, she’d put on a brave face and go out in the outfit regardless. Her brother told her she looked “fish” when he bought it for her, and usually he was a better judge of fashion than she was. She grabbed her phone off the counter and her keys and rushed out her room.

As she made her way to the kitchen, she was startled at an unexpected figure drinking a beer while sat on the kitchen counter. Matt, in only his running shorts and his hair slicked back with sweat. She gasped, holding her chest as she regained her breath. He tittered, but as she approached closer, pouring herself a shot of tequila, his eyes began to wander over her body. 

“Wow, Del Rio. You’re looking fucking fit tonight.” He growled, practically drooling when she turned to face him and his eyes landed on her cleavage. Despite needing an ego boost, Bianca found herself more disgusted than flattered by Matt’s comment.

“You know how to charm a girl, don’t you, Matt?” She threw the tequila down and cringed, licking salt of her hand and then burying her teeth into a juicy lemon wedge. The sour stung her throat, contradictory as it soothed the burn trickling down to her stomach. She flailed her arms out and let out a brawled shout, then she turned to face Matt and his eyes were still a little too seductive for her liking. To think I ever fancied men, she thought to herself as he practically drooled over her chest. 

“Where are you off to then, Del Rio, dressed like that?” a guttural tone coloured his words dirty, and made her skin crawl. She poured out another shot, knowing she’d need to hurry up and get tipsy if she was to withstand a conversation with him.

“A party.”

“That’s all the information you’re giving me?”

“Don’t want you showing up and crashing it.”

“I would never. Although, an excuse to get drunk and get laid would be appreciated.”

Bianca wanted to throw up, thinking she’d said something scarily similar to his words. She threw back her third shot, twitching her head as the shiver took over her nerves and the sudden dreary lightness of drinking began to infect her blood. Enough shots, she dictated to herself, grabbing her vodka from her cupboard and pouring herself a vodka and cranberry drink: double.

“So, no address? C’mon, help a man out.”

“No fucking way. None of the girls there are gonna like you away.”

“Oh. They all rug munchers too?”

She cocked her jaw, as flashing images of punching him hard, blackening his eye delighted her anger. “That’s exactly why you’re not coming,” she chugged her drink as fast as possible, grabbing her vodka and walking to the front door, “Because you’re a cunt.”

She slammed the door behind her and resisted the urge to punch the wall. Matt was intolerable. She wished that when moving into a flat in England she could have ended up with three perfectly respectful roommates she’d adore, not two and an asshole they saw once in a blue moon. At least he was only there on the odd occasion, when he wasn’t busy blindly intoxicated or drugged up on too much weed and horse tranquillisers, or playing football with a group of guys as annoying as he was. They rarely had to endure his crude behaviour, and even then, Kendra was usually able to escape it. Trevor was always the butt of his jokes, and Bianca was the toy he liked to play with.

“Fucking dick.” she muttered to herself as she walked outside the complex and into the uber she’d ordered. 

Zara’s house was thriving with life, the walls practically colliding with each other as the music blared out remixes and dubstep. Bianca sheepishly walked in, clutching her vodka close to her hip. Zara and Harriet lived in a rather large house, decorated lavishly and usually kept rather clean. It was unexpected to see such pristine care for the home of two girls in their 20′s, and to live somewhere that seemed like a pipe dream to a struggling student like Bianca was inspiring. Currently, however, the house was littered with other guests in their 20s, grinding against each other and slurring messy terms of endearments toward one another. The yellowish creamy colours of their interior decorations had been transformed into dreamy waves as the sunset flushed the room and the dim lights gave everyone a lusting twinkle deep in their iris’. Bianca stepped through the crowds of people, attempting to find a familiar face.

In the kitchen she found Harriet talking to a cute blonde, with a bob hair cut and dark skin, and a body that Bianca tried not to stare at. She was going to slyly introduce herself into the conversation, but Harriet spotted her and squealed in delight, rushing over and wrapping her arms around Bianca. She squeezed tight, resembling an anaconda, and Bianca grunted as her bones practically popped.

“Bianca! You’re here, I’m so happy to see you!” Harriet swung as they embraced, laughing sweetly between each breath. She was especially adorable tonight, wearing a red plaid skirt high on her hips and an off the shoulders black tight top, accentuating the rigid lines of her collar bones and the small crack of her cleavage. Her hair was long and kinked down her back, shimmering dark in the little light that brightened the room. Harriet was the kind of girl with a picture perfect face - strong cheekbones, rotund pink lips, the sort of eyes that a person could spend years swimming in without ever finding an unruly wave. Bianca appreciated Harriet majorly, and if she didn’t know any better she’d have made a pass at her long before. 

“Hay, Harriet.” Bianca wriggled free, eyes flipping between her and the stranger. “Where uh, is Zara?”

“Oh, somewhere, who knows! Probably galavanting with some girl as per usual.” Harriet shrugged, reaching behind herself to pick up her drink. “Don’t worry, she’ll save you a dance. Oh my God she’d going to be so excited you came!”

“She will?”

“Well...whatever passes for excitement when it’s Zara.” She chuckles, turning to face her friend and then gasps. “Oh would you look at me, I’m so rude! Bianca, this is my friend, Ebele. We work together.”

Bianca smirked, nodding at the girl. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.” Ebele’s voice was silvery, dripping like gold acid down her purple lips, and Bianca found herself completely wrapped up in whatever this girl might have to say - the stories covered in luxurious rich jewels, oozing grace and importance, and edge. Her dark, mesmerising eyes, like the ageing colours of a grand opera house, sparkling too. She took the straw in her can of pimms and sucked it slowly, staring at Bianca the whole time, as a smile crept at the side of her mouth devilishly.

Courtney who? Bianca thought, trying even harder not to stare at the stunning girl giving her ‘fuck-me’ eyes. “So, got any cups, Harriet?” Bianca asked, holding her vodka up. Harriet jumped off to grab her a generic red cup - like the ones Bianca’s brother would buy for beer pong - and she poured herself a generous amount of vodka to mix. 

She stayed with Ebele and Harriet for a few more minutes, talking about their christmas’ and some guy at their work that keeps asking Harriet out, and then she excused herself. She decided to be the lone wolf in a gang of dogs in heat, watching closely: wisely. She put her foot against the wall and sipped on her drink, admiring the chaos of young adults pretending everything was fine, as long as they were too drunk to think about their problems. 

A girl dressed up casual, in baggy jeans and a checkered shirt, with a snapback on and her long black hair almost reaching her bum. She stood with two boys, laughing obnoxiously as they downed their beers, every so often nodding out of time to the music. The two boys, dressed similarly to her, laughing with half the energy and checking over their shoulders every few seconds to meet the eyes of other guests. In the corner are two girls, cuddling on the arm chair, completely electrified by the other person and under their spell that to even try and blink would be sinful. Both gorgeous, skinny and brunette, merely inches away from kissing one another. A few steps away from them are a group of guys, joshing around and making crude hand gestures as they looked over at the two girls. Bianca didn’t expect anything less from a group of guys. 

Standing alone, she was able to gather all the translucent thoughts scattering the web of her mind. Bianca didn’t like being left alone with her thoughts for too long, and had gotten into the habit off finding meaningless distractions as soon as her brain wandered out of the bonds of comfortability. 

Too much pressure to excel. 

Relying on drinking. 

Afraid of what awaits her in America.

Homophobia. 

Body image issues.

Courtney.

Homesick. 

Courtney.

Typical poor student.

Courtney.

Courtney Act.

Courtney fucking Act.

She couldn’t seem to shake herself off the damn, disastrous tease, despite being surrounded by dozens of drop dead gorgeous women. Her thoughts kept coming back to the thin legs, and the Australian accent, and the blonde hair- the God damn blonde hair, sweeping across Courtney’s face, caught in Bianca’s fingers, frail but shinning, caught in Courtney’s mouth, spread over her pillow-

That damn blonde hair. Bianca despised being under the spell of someone else. A control freak, just like her father, and just like her grandmother, and just like her brother. Bianca’s blood ran with the same desire to keep control no matter what should try disrupt the balance of her efforts. A damn blonde, kissing her when she’s drunk on depression, tearing out her heart, toying with it, crushing it, tapping it back together. Bianca was done being Courtney’s confusing phase.

Even if she wasn’t the first.

“Could you look anymore depressed if you tried?” Bianca’s head whipped round beside her, and there stood Zara, looking as enticing as fire. A red bra underneath a netted vest top and tight, torn black skinny jeans, accompanied by dock martins. Even with her heels, Zara still managed to tower over Bianca, resting her forearm on the wall above Bianca’s head. Her black hair like a clear winters night, and she smelled like apple cider and a friend’s bed; too familiar yet foreign enough to get lost in the comfort. 

She straightened up, wiping any trace of her moment from her face with a witty smirk. “I mean, I could give it a try.”

“You shouldn’t. You look better when you smile.”

Bianca softly laughs. “Sure.” She downs the rest of her drink and whistles, opening her eyes as wide as possible while the adrenaline washes down her body like a waterfall, and the crashing in her stomach rippled through her blood. 

That’s where it began. Bianca let go and was alone, drunk and vulnerable. She had more vodka, laughing with Zara as they cuddled together like old friends, and made pals with a couple of broad shouldered boys, doing shots as a group. She danced on a table, she acquired a denim jacket 3 sizes too big, and she stopped thinking about Courtney long enough to take a breath. No more choking, she was able to feel her lungs expand, because being drunk gave her something Courtney couldn’t: freedom.

The rush kept her heart pumping, and nothing else mattered. Bianca hadn’t let go in so long, the muscles that were bound together had finally loosened and her aches caramelised sweetly against the will of her bubbling ego. She liked getting drunk, she loved how it made her feel carefree and ambitious and confident, as if she could be anyone and do anything. Letting per pressure determine the friendships and decisions she made that night, Bianca became a version of herself she imaged she was at 16 - when she only knew the outlines of her big plan, and didn’t worry about her labels, and was invincible behind a crowd that protected her. Drink after drink, she began to forget the stress that had consumed her life. Who cares that she broke Vivianne’s heart? Who cares that Courtney was breaking her own? Who cares about anything! All that seemed to matter at that very moment in time, was Zara’s body against hers as they danced, with Ebele close by, and a couple dozen other girls giggling. All that mattered was the false sense of happiness that she found herself drunk on.

“I told you you were better when you smiled!” Zara admired, eyes fluttering suggestively as she took Bianca’s hand and spun her around playfully. Bianca scoffed, grabbing Zara by the hips and pulling her against her body.

“Baby, I can show you so much better than a stupid smile.”

Zara cackled, falling against Bianca and using her body for support. The lean girl, like a grand weeping willow, dead weight against Bianca’s intoxicated self - she was struggling to keep herself standing let alone someone else.

Zara was drop dead gorgeous. She was the kind of girl Bianca couldn’t even imagine touching in her wildest dreams, given she had all the qualities of a perfect galaxy wrapped up in the security of a beautiful young woman. Shimmering, breath taking, whimsical - she was that of a great natural attraction, or a natural disaster, rolled into one. She was cocky, but endearing, and careful. Bianca needed careful. Really, she needed someone like Zara, and if she listened to her gut feeling, she’d be going after Zara without consideration as to what her heart wanted. Both lesbians, both single, and both deeply attracted to the idea of lust.

She pushed Zara up to stand for herself, and stroked her thumb down her cheek, staring deeply into the dark brown crystal shine of her eyes. Her skin was taunt and smooth, the light feel of silky foundation pressed against Bianca’s skin, and Zara purred in response, watching Bianca with a fiendish admiration that seemed foreign to the other girl.

“What is it you want?” Zara whispered, the honeyed tone making Bianca’s stomach twinge. Her hands began to feel clammy as they were grabbed and her body slammed into Zara’s. Her breasts pushed up and the cleavage she usually hides available and at the prying eyes of Zara’s desires. She bites her lip, eyes hidden under her lids as she stares at the rotund flesh that is barely contained in Bianca’s shirt. 

Bianca is dry of any coherent thought. All she has are hot, wet wants, seeping through her pours, echoing in the space of her gut, fuelled by the alcohol she’s poured down her throat. Her hands are clinging to Zara’s back, eager to hold her closer, and the heat flowing between them feels like a thousand hands caressing her more sensitive parts, loving her, needing her. She lets out a husky snicker...

Then she blinks. 

Next thing she knows, through the blurred daze that’s swept her off her feet, Bianca ends up up the stairs with Zara. She ends up in her bedroom with the other girl on the mattress as she lays beside her, grinning. 

The dull thudding still coming through the floors as life continues downstairs. Bianca’s mind, is just broken webs, floating in the breeze. She closes her eyes for a second and lets the hollow air smooth her over. She was forgetting all the unimportant worries clogging her up.

“I really miss you, B.”

Bianca was forgetting Courtney’s accent.

“Do you miss me?”

Bianca was forgetting Courtney’s smile.

“I’m smiley, and you’re grumpy, and I feel like we work!”

Bianca was forgetting how she felt about Courtney.

“I’ve never met someone like you before, B-”

Bianca was forgetting how to feel calm.

“-and I’ve never felt so much love for someone so quickly”

Bianca was forgetting how to breath-

“SHIT!” She screamed, suddenly jolting up in a panicked state, grabbing her chest as paranoid thoughts of her heart hanging out of a crudely cut hole in her skin filled her mind. Cold anxiety flushed her body, and she began heaving a nausea lacing her throat. She gripped the sheets of the bed, trying to make sense of the sudden attack that had shocked her. 

Zara sat up softly, putting an arm around her and shushed her gently, kissing her cheek and down her neck, unbothered by the clean panic attack Bianca was battling. Her eyes wide with fear, focused on the spot on the chest of drawers ahead of her, and she tried to reason with the hectic hysteria as it coursed her body, uninvited and unexpected. Tender kisses pressed against her red hot skin, and hands now trapping her to the bed that she once felt so comfortable to lay in. What was happening, why was she so panicked all of a sudden? Why, for the first time being with a girl and the one time it really mattered, did she care so much?

“No, Zara-” Bianca pushed her off, her breathing still erratic but she was starting to gain control. The older girl watched her, confused and somewhat amused to Bianca’s annoyance. “I can’t do this.” Bianca says, probably a little more stentorian in tone than she expected. She pushes herself off the bed and balances herself on the chest of drawers opposite, gripping the wood, wondering how hard she’d have to claw her nails into the wood till it chipped. Zara stayed quiet, watching, a brow raised.

“I’m a fucking mess.” Bianca breathed, pushing back her hair that had fallen around her face. She turns to face Zara, looking distressed. “I’m sorry, Z. I want to, I really want to, but I-”

“Yeah I get it, yanky. You’re still hooked on little miss perfect, right?” Zara stands up and struts toward Bianca, with an expression that could only be explained within the pages of a sweaty, unfiltered erotica. Bianca gulps, lets the girl lean her body against her as she traps her between her slim frame and the wood, and Zara smells sweet and fresh that Bianca is soaring higher and higher through the thick clouds blocking the cluttered spaces of her thoughts. Zara’s face is but a few inches from hers, and her lips are soft and dark, contoured in the hot shades of the dim room. “But for a minute, why don’t you just be happy?” She persuades, pressing her lips against the edge of her jaw line, kissing delicately. “This isn’t serious, and no one needs to ever know about this. Let’s just,” Zara gently pushes Bianca down to lay on her back, and straddles her lap. Bianca’s hands instinctively hold her hips, and she bites her lip when Zara pulls her top off over her head, revealing the tiny, womanly figure and the lacy bra that is thin enough Zara’s nipples protrude the material. “Let’s just enjoy ourselves right now. Stop thinking about that straight girl, and focus on me.”

Bianca swallows down the anxious knot tied around her voice box and nods, trying to push back the messy dread that had swarmed her but moments ago. A sly grin snakes across Zara’s face, and she leans down, cups Bianca’s face and kisses her tenderly, letting out a satisfied sigh when Bianca’s lips press back. 

It’s something. Coated in desire and frustration, and better intentions for that of another, on both parties side. Bianca knows that Zara is trying to convince everyone else before herself that she’s happy being single, and Bianca somewhat wonders if by being the interest of her drunken lust that she will become a regular distraction, but it doesn’t matter in the moment. Bianca holds Zara’s slim body, kisses her chest, squeezes her ass, and eventually she’s lost in the serenity of sex. Hot and heavy sex that only two friends pretending could truly admire and perfect. 

Bianca moans, Zara chuckles, there’s a mixture of deliciously delirious noises that stick to the sheets like the sweat dripping of their bodies. The party down stairs stays lively, but the two girls forget that anyone else even exists in the world let alone under the same roof they share...

-

Alix was going to start taking testosterone. He was actually transitioning, 100% committed and running with the bull.

As soon as he came back from Christmas, he had an appointment booked on the 3rd of January with his GP in Wandsworth. He explained he was transgender and wanted to start his transition. She’d recommended Alix go to a Gender Identity Clinic about 40 minutes away by train in London to talk through his options and what he really wanted. Alix was certain he was ready to transition and knew what he wanted, but he went never the less. It seemed he had to go if he was ever going to become truly who he was.

The experience was serial. He stepped through the automatic doors into a creamy yellow scene of clean, and that’s where he was faced with people like himself. Transgender people, who wanted to take the next step. He walked into the building and waited for his appointment beside a woman with skull tattoos covering her arms and gorgeous red hair that sat at her lower back. Opposite him, a guy with a pencil beard and long lashes, and then a women that almost looked like Courtney but with dyed white hair, strutting past to look at the leaflets not far from where he was sat. It looked like a GP surgery, but it was different.

He was one of them too, one of the people that was different to the eye. Some of these people had transitioned, others were in the middle of transitioning. The people around him were just like him, but at different stages of his goal.

Finally, a woman comes out with a cherry blossom smile and calls Alix into an office that is a collection of calm colours of yellow, blue and pink. It’s not like his GP’s office with diagrams of the human body or important health alerts on the walls that always attract eyes to read, but rather it’s plain and official. More dull, but less intense to sit in. The women, Mrs McLaughlin, with her short black bob and thin glasses perched on the end of her nose. She sits at the desk across from where Alix assumes is where he sits, and she smiles as if she knows him.

“You’re lucky we had a cancelation, usually it can take weeks or months to get an appointment here.” She laughs, pulling out her notebook and a fluffy top blue pen that distracts Alix’s eyes. “So, name?”

“Alix Williamson.” He answers, and she writes it down, delicately, but then he notices- “Oh, no, with an i, not an e. A, L, I, X.” She nods, correcting her mistake.

“Don’t think I’ve ever come across that spelling before. Is that the name you were given at birth?”

Alix shakes his head. “No. No, my name was Jodie.”

“Ah I see. So how long have people been calling you Alix?”

“About 5 years, I think? I mean, some people called me Alix, and now everyone calls me Alix. Does that count?”

“If you had anyone refer to you by your preferred name, then yes, it counts.” She smiles and then crosses her arms on the desk. “So you’ve been living as a male for a number of years already. Why have you never come to a GIC before?”

“I was scared. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be…you know.” He run a hand through his hair and chuckled awkwardly. “I mean, I’ve been Alix since I was like 14 and I’ve been going by he the same amount of time. When I first told my mam, she wasn’t so supportive and that put me off. I guess now I’m living on my own, I feel confident doing this.”

Mrs McLaughlin noted down something he couldn’t quite make out, before nonchalantly asking, “Do you bind? If so, how long?”

“Um…” 

“There’s no need to feel uncomfortable. I know these may be some very personal questions you’re not use to discussing but I promise you, everything is confidential. This is a safe place.” She smiles sincerely.

Alix was never usually aware of his binder on his body unless brought up. After so long it just felt normal to wear, not constricting like in the beginning. Suddenly he could feel the stretchy material rubbing against his skin. “Yeah, I’d say almost 4 years…but, almost everyday binding 2 years. Does that make sense?”

“Yes it does.” The sound of her pen scribbling again. “What about the hair? Lovely colour by the way.”

“Thank you. I only shaved it before I came to university in August. Even then, it was longer,” he waved his hand over the left of his face, “this side. My friend gave it a decent trim before Christmas.”

“And before that, you had long hair?”

“Yeah, to keep my mam happy. I had it tied back most of the time, or in a hat.” He smiled tossing his head as if the long strands were still there and would wave by. “I never liked having long hair anyway. It was always in the way and it was hot in the summer!”

She writes it all down as if her life depends on the end of her pen, and Alix watches her careful cursive as she makes no mistake. It’s a girls handwriting - pretty and delicate with every letter looking sharp, and then his eyes lift to her face. She’s a pointed woman, like if she was put in a room of balloons they would pop at just her gaze, and her bones peak beneath the frail colour of her skin, but she’s almost beautiful. Maybe for someone who likes thin, secure women, but not enough for Alix. Her ears are pixie like, and she wears small cheap gold earrings that Alix didn’t think anyone over the age of 17 would wear. McLaughlin - a pristine, persist woman of strict elegance.

“Tell me, Alix,” she sets her pen down on her notebook and looks at him with an adult smile, “What are you intentions with coming here? With transitioning, what is it you want?” She crosses her legs and places her hands on her pointy knee. “GIC has the aim of helping people who are transexual to start loving themselves, and start the road toward the life they want to live. What is it you want us to help you with?”

Initially, Alix thinks ‘I want a dick and a beard’ and then holds back his tongue from blurting out the crude answer. Truthfully, he does want those things. He wants rid of his feminine attributes so that he can look at himself without doubt and feel like the person he’s been trying to convince everyone else he is. He wonders why it’s even a question - doesn’t every trans person want the whole package?

“I…want to be a boy.” He replies, oh-so matter of factually, with a dumbfounded smile that she does’t take. Mrs McLaughlin raises a brow and hums, putting her elbow on the table and resting against her hand as if he’s supposed to carry on. Alix finds himself racking his brain for a logically answer- the answer she expects, before shrugging. “I mean, I’m here for the obvious, right? I want to be a guy, completely. I-I don’t want breasts, and I don’t want a girly face, and I don’t want anyone to mistake my gender. I want to be a boy, 100%.”

“So you want to transition completely?”

“Well…doesn’t everyone? Why would you come here if you didn’t want to transition?”

Mrs McLaughlin takes a deep breath. “Everyone’s different. Some people want to have top surgery but not bottom surgery, and some people aren’t initially comfortable with taking medication for whatever reason. We help people to understand exactly what they want with their transition. Some people are comfortable with their bodies but just need emotional guidance. You however,” her smile slides almost with a certain cockiness that puzzles Alix. “You know what you want, by the sounds of things. Medication, surgery and therapy.”

“Therapy? I don’t need-“

“It’s not a bad thing. It’s to help you cope as your body changes. You need to understand, Alix, that the influx of testosterone that will enter your body due to medication will have a massive effect on your emotions let alone your physical state. A lot of transgender men struggle with sudden and irrational anger that they’re not use to, and it’s not something that lasts forever but it may be very difficult to deal with in the beginning, especially if you’re under a lot of stress.”

Alix almost found the idea humorous - that he could possibly hold anymore anger in his body. He jolts one of his shoulders. “I’m fine though. I mean, if it gets me closer to what I want then fairs, I’ll do what I gotta do but uh...I’m all good up here.” He taps the side of his head and chuckles. 

She doesn’t laugh back. She hums, and scribbles something messily that Alix finds gives him a sense of dread. The dagger stuck in his back that holds him back from the whole process, dictated by the ink and paper. He holds a breath in his chest and prays to a God he doesn’t believe in that this was a mistake. Alix wants this, more than anything any one of his friends has ever wanted let alone himself. 

“I need to be Alix.” His statement comes out like a plead, and she lifts her eyes to see his worry, stopping in her tracks of writing. He licks his dry lips and takes a steady breath. “Since I was a little kid, I have always felt different to all the other kids in my class or on my street. All the girls would play dress up and they liked playing the mum at lunch time games, but I didn’t. I figured it was nothing, there were girls I knew that had action men and liked trucks, and my friend Danny even owned a tutu that he refused to take off for a week straight, but...he did take it off. They could all take off the unimportant kiddy games and turn off, and I couldn’t. I hated wearing dresses and having pigtails because I hated looking like my sister and every other girl I knew. I hated not being allowed to play rugby with the guys, and I hated how boys wouldn’t take me seriously about video games when I’d been playing them since I was 6 with my dad. I just want to finally be the person on the outside that I know I am on the inside. I want to prove to everyone that it wasn’t a phase. I didn’t grow out of some ‘tom boy stage all little girls go through’, because I’m a boy. I need to be Alix on the outside, because everyone assumes I’m Jodie, when all I have ever been, is Alix...nothing else.”

Mrs McLaughlin grins, and it steadies Alix’s frazzles heart. She scribbles something on her paper before pulling out a pamphlet from her desk, sliding it across the table for Alix to look at. “Well then, how about we plan your transition.”

Alix has never felt so happy before. This is it, the beginning of his life.

-

Courtney ox: Guess who’s bought you back wine? Australian Durif to be persist.

Danny xo: It better be you! Otherwise you’ll be very sorry to get my hopes up!

Courtney ox: Uh oh.

Danny xo: Get your butt in my room right now missy! Unless that “uh oh” was serious, cause in that case I want you to march to the nearest corner shop and buy wine, you tease!

There comes a knock at Danny’s door a few seconds later, and there stands a glowing Courtney, with the bottle of wine she had mentioned. She waves it in front of Danny, and he is hypnotised by the allure like a dog to a bone. He snatches the bottle from her hands then tugs her through, throwing her onto the bed and locking his dorm door. She giggles, pushing her hair out of her face and watching as he takes two red cups from the stack on his desk and pours more than plenty enough wine for them both. 

“Right then. Come on,” He offers her one of the cups and sits beside her on the bed, crossing his legs like a woman. “Tell me the gossip. What happened in Australia?”

Courtney sipped her drink. “What makes you think anything happened?” and before she can even make up a lie, Danny gives her a knowing smirk, his eyes glistening with the best intent but devils interest.

“Are you an honest to god naive bombshell, or do you just pretend to be an idiot at times?” He snickers, putting his cup on his side table and crossing his arms. “Bitchy Del Rio told Kendra, who told Trevor about what you got up to back home. You made out with a girl?”

What came over Courtney was a sudden mixture of all the worst - shock, anger, nausea, the intense desire to run frantically for nothing in particular. It wasn’t as if she wasn’t going to tell Danny everything that happened, but the fact that Bianca had told Trevor about it all hurt her. She confined in the other girl thinking she could trust her, unload the troubles of her mind with an honest secrecy between them. What had happened confused Courtney majorly, she needed to try detangle it, and she had hoped that Bianca would help her with that. Knowing now, that she had betrayed her trust and had told people about Courtney’s adventure, infuriated her. 

She swallows around the cluster of emotions building in her throat and cleanses it with the sweet smooth feeling of wine. After swallowing, she shrugs her shoulder and laughs. “It really wasn’t that big a deal. I made out with a girl and almost had a threesome. Replace girl with guy and that would have been one of your regular Saturday’s back in the day.”

Danny rolled his eyes, leaning on the bed and propping himself up with his elbow. “Considering how freaked out you were when it came to kissing Bianca, I’m shocked you made out with another girl so casually while you were home.” Danny arched his brow, trying to break through the shield she held up. “And the fact you told the person who is completely and utterly hung up on you-”

“Bianca isn’t-”

“I know you’re not that naive, Courtney.” Danny says, sternly. He takes another drink of his wine, watching as the worry lines settle on her forehead. Danny is fine to be Courtney’s shoulder to cry on, he’s taken that roll on with pride and dignity, as he always has with his friends. However, the frustration of watching her not only lie to herself but to him is something he’s never experienced before, and the wire of his patience is starting to fray. “Why are you so afraid to admit the truth? Especially to me of all people!”

“Maybe because you and your boyfriend have a pair of big mouths who can’t seem to keep a secret secret!”

“Don’t even drag Trevor into this, because you know I’ll defend him in a heartbeat. He’s had a hard christmas and he’s worried about one of his closest friends. Everyone else can see it except you.”

“There is nothing to see, Danny!”

“Courtney, I’m gay! Of all the people, why don’t you trust me with the truth? What am I going to say-”

“For God sake, maybe I don’t want to talk about it! Why are you so fucking persistent?” She slams her wine down on the table, standing up over him as he frowns at her. They’re both frowning at one another. “You all want to get involved when the truth is, none of you have the right! I’ve known you barely half a year, and Bianca’s roommates even less than that! You all think you can just tell me what I should be because you’re all so happy with yourselves and you’ve figured it out- well guess what? Not everyone has done that! I’m still figuring myself out! You’re gay, Trevor’s bi, Alix is transitioning...you all know!”

“Oh, so what, we all have it so easy?!”

“Not what I said! But at least you have a clue. You know where you’re all going and what to do if it gets tough. I don’t know what I am, where I’m going, or who will be there along the way!”

“That’s why you talk about it, instead of bottling it up-”

“I’m good at bottling it up. I’ve learnt how to perfect bottling it up, and I’ll stick to it. All you’ve done, Danny, is judge me! You judged Steven, you judge Bianca- you don’t have my best interest at heart, you’re just a damn gossip!”

Danny gasps, cocking his jaw and standing to square up to her, hover inches above where their heights differ. “You know what, Court? I’m done catering to your feelings.” He points his long index finger at her face, still scowling, and she starts to retreat in her anger. “You’re gay, Courtney! You, are, gay! And it’s not a scary thing! Everyone is gay these days, and most of your friends are gay, and you are smitten with a lesbian! Admit it, you’re gay!”

“I’m not gay-”

“No, admit it.”

‘Danny, you’re being-”

“Admit that you’re gay.”

“I’m starting to get so-”

“Just admit it!”

“FINE!” Courtney screams, making him cower back. Her whole body changes in a flash- shoulders tensed, fists clenched, her teeth gritted and eroding her pearly whites as she heaves on thick breaths. Her eyes hurt from how intense she glares at him. “I have liked girls, okay?! I like girls- I think women can be just as attractive as men and maybe, just maybe, I like Bianca! There, you fucking happy?!” She starts to well up, but tries to keep her raged demeanour. Danny stops being angry when he sees the water balling up in the corner of her eyes. “I don’t know for sure what I want, or who I like, but if you’re so desperate to break me down then here you go! I’m broken! I once dated a girl back in Australia and I kissed her when I went home, and you know why I called Bianca? Because I felt fucking guilty! Because I didn’t want to kiss anyone else or be with anyone else, and I didn’t want her to find out through anyone else, because all of you are so fucking nosey and spread shit like wildfire! So there, I told her because God damn it, I respect her and I really fucking LIKE HER!”

Courtney practically screams the last part, and the tears begin falling from her eyes, but she doesn’t retract her rage. She stands with the strength of 10 men, and the height of a giant, and she wills a hole to burn through Danny. There he stands, with sorrow in his eyes, and she wants him to leave her alone and plead her forgiveness at the same time. She hasn’t felt so angry in years, but it feels sweet to release all the pent up frustration- illusively delicious, like she could spend up all of her anxiety and cash out for the explosive rage every time things feel even a little bad. 

But as the quiet settles, and his eyes grow more with a pathetic pity, she suddenly feels the punch of her words hit her in the gut. Courtney said it out loud, the terrifying admission she’d been trying to squeeze down, now out in the open for all to bare and discuss like they had any right to. Danny, her best friend, now knew for sure...

“Danny, I-”

“I’m sorry, babe. I never should have pushed you to say anything.”

“No, I’m sorry. I-I shouldn’t have said all those horrible things to you. I didn’t...I just, all of this is so...I never meant you guys have it easy, of course I didn’t!”

“I know.” He gently puts his arms around her, pulling her into his chest and hugging her tight. As soon as she’s against his warm chest, hearing the soothing patter of his heartbeat, she releases the floodgates and sobs against his hold. Danny strokes her back, shushing her, trying to console her troubled mind. 

“Courtney, you are my best friend. I don’t care how long I’ve known you, I care so much about you. If you don’t want me to tell anyone, including Trevor, then I won’t.” He laces his fingers in the hair down her back, brushing it. Her cries begin to quiet and all she’s left with are soft sniffles and old tears. Danny hates that he made her explode so disastrously, but to some degree he’s relieved she had let it out now than later. “But listen,” he softly pushes her back, crouching down to meet her at eye level, “This isn’t a bad thing. You know she’s crazy about you to! Why don’t you just tell her?”

“No.” She bluntly responds, furrowing her brows. “No, I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because...I don’t want to. I don’t know exactly what I want. I just...I don’t want to feel this confused.” She tugged at his denim shirt, tugging him closer to her again as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to deny anymore tears. Danny kept her close, resuming stroking her back and hoping there would be a resolution soon, to stop her sadness. 

“Coming out is hard, Courtney, but it’s not always as scary as people think. Your parents are accepting and obviously so are your friends! You just have to be brave and make the jump. Yes, me, Trevor and Alix are all out in whatever way that may be, but you think it’s all picking daisies and sunshine?” Danny let her go, tugging her down to sit back on the bed and wiping a tear from under her eye. His smile had returned to the usual goofy, loveable way it was. “God no! Alix’s sister still doesn’t accept him, Trevor’s whole family are unsupportive of him, and you think kids on my block just accepted me with open arms? The thing is, we just stick with those who do accept us. Why focus too long on the negative!” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and rested his hand on her cheek. She focused on him with divine interest. “You, my beautiful girl, have too big of a heart to feel so sad. Be yourself, Courtney. Please.”

Courtney dabbed the corners of her eyes, taking a calm breath, and let her eyes look anywhere other than Danny’s. She wasn’t ready- it was that simple. She knew Bianca’s track record when it came to girls and to be one of a long list would be too hard to handle. After so much time of denial, even when it was most obvious, it wasn’t worth it in her opinion to come out when she didn’t feel like it would be a definite thing. She wasn’t going to risk compromising the biggest secret she’d held so close to her, just to watch it shatter into a million pieces. For Courtney, if she couldn’t have being out and date Bianca as a duo deal, then she wouldn’t do it.

Danny’s face however, was so caring. To say no to him, would be difficult...not impossible though. She shook her head and forced a large grin to spread over her face, eyes brightening along with the chipper expression. She took her wine and downed the rest, leaning over and taking the bottle to refill her cup.

“I’m not ready yet, Danny. But, I’ll say it to you, and that’s enough for now.” She raised her cup in the air, biting her lip with glee and waiting. He chuckled, rolling his eyes but nevertheless holding his cup up to meet hers. “Here’s to being somewhat, maybe gay.”

“There aint no maybe with me, baby. But...I’ll take it, for now.” They clink cups and drink. 

-

A party at Johnson’s was the plan, and it was a night to ensure high spirits and drunken shenanigans. With more than enough supervision and organisation from Alix, the two had decided that since everyone was home from Christmas break they may as well wrangle everyone together and throw a small house party. 

Johnson lived in a small house with 3 other roommates, all girls, all in relationships with big, brutish footballers. There was Kayla, the half Mexican, half Italian Psychology student, who dated a boy that seemed to only have the same amount of brain cells one could count using their hands alone. She liked to be alone more often than not, but when she was around she was rather talkative and brought interesting conversation to the table, and Johnson didn’t mind when she came down in the morning in her booty shorts and crop top. Next there was Tilly, a petit, bubbly extrovert who was rather plump but adored every aspect about herself regardless what any drunk punters might tell her. She reminded them off a chubbier bubbles from Power Puff Girls. She dated a guy who was captain of the football, rugby and cricket team at his university, but was deeply ashamed to have a geek obsession with Doctor Who and the video game Dead Rising. Finally, there was Edana. She was the one Johnson got on with the most and more than often spent long nights going into the morning just talking to her. She had long red hair, all the way down to the small of her back, and freckles dusting over her nose as if they had infected her. A true celtic girl from her appearance down to the way she could hold a drink. She did language studies at the same university as Trevor and Kendra, along with her boyfriend, who played nothing but American baseball and talked about American food. Johnson wasn’t dying to date her, but he did envy that a half wit like her boyfriend ever landed someone as amazing as Edana.

It was a pleasant place to call home, especially since Alix was there more than half the time, eating Johnson’s food and making them watch Storage Hunters. He wouldn’t dare have it any other way though. He wouldn’t want to give up being in the company of his best friend for anything, because being with Alix was amazing. Johnson loved just being around him, he’d never been able to connect to someone so quickly before, and he truly felt like he could trust Alix with anything he worried about. The house felt too quiet and lonesome without him there. Even if they were both just sitting in silence, Johnson would still be grateful for merely being in his company.

As soon as Alix finishes at the clinic, he rushes home, showers, and runs to Johnson’s to set up and tell him all about it. 

“So, what will the hormones do?” Johnson asks after the extensive explanation Alix had given him about the appointment, mid way mixing a couple of drinks to make a punch. 

“Make me a man.”

“Okay, more specifically?”

“It does’t matter what they do specifically, as long as they do what they’re supposed to I’m happy!”

“Okay,” Johnson screws the lid on one of the drinks, thinking for a second, “Are they safe?”

“Yeah. I mean, you know, there’s risks and shit like with any medication, and I might have symptoms and stuff but it’s all good really.”

“Symptoms?”

Alix takes a vodka bottle and pours it into the bowl, watching the orange coloured liquid splash. “I don’t know, throwing up, headaches, mood swings- shit like that. Realx Jonny! It’s all fine in the long run.” He hands the bottle back to Johnson and smiles. “Aren’t you happy for me?”

Johnson was ecstatic for Alix if it meant him being happy finally. He was over the moon delighted at the idea of his best friend being comfortable with himself after too long wallowing in the depression of no identity, but he felt an odd sense of edge that made him nervous. He couldn’t put his finger on why exactly he was apprehensive toward Alix’s transition, but there was something small deep inside him that wanted to protest against it. Was it because it was so foreign to him? A whole new world he’d never experienced or researched before, being very real in the life of his friend. It was hard to understand, but Johnson tried to focus more on the part of him that was happy. The more important part that would keep Alix happy with his decision.

“Of course bud. If this is what you want, why wouldn’t I be happy?”

Alix clicks his fingers as he walks out the room, getting his cans of beer from his backpack to put in the fridge. “True that. I’m so happy. I just want to get on with it already, you know? Agh, I feel so genuinely happy now! The happiest I’ve been in months!”

Johnson watched as Alix beamed with dreamy wonderment and pride, practically bouncing as he walked, and it made his heart flutter ever so slightly. The infectious sunny exterior brightened his own mood, he wished this moment could last forever. As Alix put the beers in the fridge, Johnson started setting up a table for beer pong, but kept watching his friend closely, with intrigue. 

Alix wasn’t feminine, he made sure to cover up any trace there may be, but...was he going to be completely unrecognisable after a few months on testosterone? Was his personality going to shift? Was everything going to change with the passing months providing more confidence in his friend? He knew he shouldn’t care so much, because none of it really effected him, but the nagging thoughts popped up every so often to irritate him. Alix was going to become more himself while simultaneously straying from himself, and Johnson didn’t know what he’d do in a few months time. 

He had never hit it off with someone so quickly like he had with Alix, and the idea he may lose him terrified him. He knew that if Alix got on with his life, happily and comfortable, Johnson could learn to be happy, but he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t cautious. 

Alix won’t change, he told himself repeatedly. Alix will still be Alix, just with a new body and more confidence. Alix won’t change. He can’t change.

“Shall we do a tequila shot while we wait for people to show?” Alix asks, holding up shot glasses and smirking mischievously.

Johnson sighs, falling into a worn out smile. “Definitely.”

-

Bianca couldn’t go alone. She refused to see Courtney without back up close by.

Kendra was one thing- fiery, gorgeous, and the toughest girl she’d ever had the pleasure to befriend, but she wasn’t enough in this case. She needed someone that would make Courtney green with envy. She needs to be seen basking in the joy of new romance, freshly baked in red hot kisses and smelling of animalistic sex. It’s her personalised middle finger, sugar coated in pettiness. Courtney would see Bianca happily hooked on someone else, and she’d feel the same soul crushing sensation she had.

Zara, wearing skinny low rider jeans and a Nirvana crop top, her hair glossed and silky, flowing freely down her back, and her heated daggers pierced anyone who dared to set their sights on her flawless appearance. She was elegant and desirable like a tall glass of wine, and Bianca knew that being in her company would drive Courtney insane. Harriet on the other side of Zara, her curled hair in a high ponytail, bright pink lipstick and a skirt to match. She was like a babydoll dressed by a hooker, but she wore it with such refined confidence no one could touch her. Then of course there was Kendra, arm linked with Bianca’s as they strutted toward the house.

“It was nice of you to invite us along, Bianca!” Harriet said as they approached the door, knocking. She messed around with the rim of her boob-tube, her cleavage heavy and bouncing. “I hope I’m not over dressed.”

“Oh, you are, but you look fucking amazing, babe.” Zara reassured, putting her arm around Harriet’s shoulder and kissing her on the temple. Harriet’s face lit up as her dimples professed their glee, and she started playing with her ponytail in a fuss to look utterly perfect. 

“So,” Kendra nudged Bianca, “What’s your master plan then? Make out with Zara to get back at Courtney?”

“Don’t be stupid.” Bianca scoffed. “I’m going to make out with Zara because she’s fucking hot. And, if Courtney sees, it’s just a coincidence, you know?”

Kendra gave her a concerned look, crossing her arms, but Zara shrugged, laughing. “I’m honoured to be apart of this devious plan. Bianca’s a good kisser, so what’s wrong with indulging in a little fun in the name of...you know, making someone jealous?”

Bianca cackled, shoving Zara playfully. Before Kendra could interject her disapproval again, the door opened and there stood a pleasantly drunk Alix cheering, holding a plastic cup of presumably what was beer. His hair was an erratic tousled mess and he had panda eyes where he’d smudged his eyeliner, but there wasn’t a trace of care on his face. His face was glowing, and he grabbed Bianca’s hand and dragged her in.

“You cunt, where the fuck have y’all been?!” He laughed, turning to the other three girls and giving them all tight hugs as he squealed in delight. “Come on, go to the kitchen and do a shot, you need to catch up!”

They definitely did. When they entered the scene there was about a dozen 20 something year old students lounging around, laughing obnoxiously loud or dancing out of time with the music. Danny was currently smoking a joint with some black haired goth girl while Trevor lay beside him, stroking a ginger cat that must have belonged to one of the girls that lived there. A collection of preppy girls were gathered on the sofa, giggling along with something Johnson was saying, competing between one another for his attention. Bianca walked through a scene of students playing ring of fire to get to the kitchen, and poured out four shots. 

Each girl held a glass in the air, ready to do the shot in solidarity to one another. “Let’s get fucking wasted.” Bianca announced, to which they all cheered, clinking their tiny glasses and downing the fiery drink. They all cringed as a reaction, but laughed all the same. 

“I’m doing another.” Zara said, grabbing the tequila bottle and pouring herself another shot. She waved the glass at the other three, and to her surprise they all said yes. “Nice, I like girls that can drink hard.” 

It didn’t take long for the girls to start spilling tipsy stories over one another, giggling and drinking as fast as possible despite the gagging sensation tickling the back of their throat. Harriet was sat on the kitchen counter top, swinging her legs as she laughed uncontrollably at something Kendra said, and Zara and Bianca were leaning out the back door smoking, somehow deep in a serious conversation.

“Your folks kicked you out?” Bianca said in shock, mouth wide as the other girl nodded, smiling despite the statement. 

“I mean, they took me back a week later and apologised, but yeah. My father was islamic so for him it was too much to have a lesbian for a daughter, you know? He’d been taught that homosexuality was a sin, and his first instinct was to kick me out. My mum was just afraid of going up against him, but she came to her senses as did he, and the rest is history.”

“Still.” Bianca took a drag of her cigarette, holding in the fizzling burn that festered at the pit of her lungs, and blew the smoke out above her head before finishing her thought. “That’s gotta suck.”

“Yeah, well obviously! I went to live with Harriet though so it wasn’t all bad. Her mum was really cool.” Zara tapped her cigarette against her finger, putting it back to her mouth and inhaling. “What about you?” She asked, smoke pouring from her lips. “What are you horror stories with coming out?”

“Oh, not much.” Bianca smirked, throwing her burnt out fag on the floor and crossing her arms. “Mom and dad were kind of shocked but totally cool. My brother’s gay so he pretty much softened the blow for when I came out.”

“Lucky.”

“Yeah. My family were totally accepting. My friends, not so much.”

Zara raised her brow. “Oh?”

Bianca pondered on the memories for a second, looking into Zara’s dark, ebullient eyes, and saw a generosity of genuine curiosity she hadn’t found before. Someone who wanted to know, so they could care and relate. “Yeah, I don’t know why exa-”

“BIANCA!” A sudden girlish squeal shattered the bound they shared. She looked round to find the voice, and there was the person who made her heart seize in a fright. Courtney, smiling vivaciously as she skipped over and threw her open arms at Bianca. She squeezed her tight, still making childish excited noises while Bianca tried to keep her balance and composure having seen the one person she’d dreaded seeing. Zara caught Bianca’s panicked eyes and gave her an annoyed look before walking away and joining Harriet. “Oh my God, Bianca, I can’t believe you’re here!”

“Why wouldn’t I? I’m friends with Alix too.” She pulled out of the hug and stood back from Courtney, trying not to look too happy to see her. Courtney was positively ecstatic to see Bianca, unable to stop moving, and her smile stretched like elastic from cheek to cheek. 

Courtney felt bubbly, standing in front of Bianca after so long without seeing her. She’d missed the dimples, and her pillowy lips, and her curvy hips. She looked just as beautiful tonight as she always did, and maybe it was after her chat with Danny or it was the multiple jager bombs she’d done when walking into the house, but she felt delightfully light in her presence. She could reach forward and fly into the heavens with Bianca, hand in hand, heart to heart. 

“I really missed you, B.” Courtney admits, leaning against the door and unapologetically fluttering her heart eyes. “A lot. How was your Christmas?”

Could have been better given you called me up like a dick teasing cunt and told me some bullshit. How about we talk about the floozy you made out with that you had no shame in telling me all about, huh? 

Of course, she didn’t say any of that. Bianca gritted her teeth in protest to her thought, and shrugged. “It was okay. Yeah.” She looked over to Zara, seeing her smiling with Harriet, pushing her hair behind her ear and somehow always able to come across effortlessly free spirited, even in the most mundane moment. Bianca couldn’t help but look at her like she was a great piece of art work, needing only the upmost, focused attention, and she craved to feel the paint of her soul wet on her skin. It was a purely lustrous desire, clean of any romance or dedication, and dripping with sensuality. 

When she looked back at Courtney, she felt deep within her bones it was so much more than what she felt for Zara. She felt a pain that was as addictive as heroine, and tasted like gold, and she was completely, whole heartedly obsessed with the feeling that all she craved was relief. Courtney’s snowy face, her humble eyes, her pink lips- everything made Bianca quiver with such maddening need. It was going to kill her in the end, she knew it, like everyone else knew, but to pretend like she could stay away from her was comical.

Courtney was as present in Bianca as the oxygen in her lungs. 

“Did you have fun in Australia?” She asked, dreading the answer, regretting wasting her breath on the question. Courtney nodded enthusiastically, reaching into the fridge beside Bianca and taking out a cold cider. 

“It was pretty good,” She took the bottle cap of the counter, popping open the bottle. “I liked seeing all my friends, course they haven’t changed! My friends, Willam and Violet, decided to take me to a gay bar for New Years Eve that was like an hour away! We stayed at this totally run down motel and Violet threw up in the already disgusting pool they had, but it was so fun! I didn’t even realise I missed them so much until I saw them all, you know?”

Bianca couldn’t say she did, but nevertheless she nodded. Bianca didn’t have any friends she missed in America, or at least none she knew would be happy to see her if she went home. “I’m glad you had a good time.”

Courtney smiled, taking a sip of her cider before offering Bianca a swig. She accepted, drinking more than Courtney had but remembering not to be too cheeky with her generosity. When she handed the bottle back, Courtney accidentally caught her hand, and as her finger tips grazed the bumps of Bianca’s knuckles, a singing spark ignited between them. Blazing forrest fires mercifully devoted to destroying innocence, bravely caught between the skin on skin contact they held. Courtney’s eyes lifted in time to Bianca’s, and they looked at each other like this was the first time they’d ever met; completely struck on the beat of hope, but Bianca’s with less wishful thinking. Courtney’s gorgeous eyes, like an ocean, slowly killing Bianca the same slow, painful way drowning does. 

“Sorry.” Bianca pulled her hand away, playing with her hair and avoiding eye contact. This is too hard, she thought, suddenly overwhelmed with a sickly feeling. She wanted to be around Courtney, but she couldn’t. It was too fucking hard, seeing her all smiles and no remorse. “I have to go ask Zara something.”

“Oh.” Courtney was still all smiles, looking over at the girl in question. “Yeah, of course. I’ll catch you in a bit!”

Bianca didn’t waste another second pining over her. She practically fell at Zara in her haste, catching onto her arm as she regained her balance. Zara stumbled slightly, but laughed nevertheless as she helped the girl get back on her feet, and then laughed a little more at the deer caught in head lights expression Bianca held. 

“Woah there, Bambi.” She put her arm around Bianca’s waist, pulling her close and handing her a poured out drink of vodka coke. “Get this down you, fast!”

“Why?”

“Because you’ll need it. I saw how little miss perfect made your skin itch. A whole night of close calls will require a lot of liquid confidence.”

Bianca looked at the drink before downing it as fast as possible, cringing as her reflexes kicked in, and she was gagging over the strength. She scrunched her eyes as tight as possible till all she could see was stars, and everything in that moment felt infinite; the worst sickness in a single second stretching over the mirage of forever. 

Zara ran her hand up and down Bianca’s back, watching her as she cringed and collected her composure. She shakes away the shudder coming over her spine and hops from foot to foot, and Zara finds it ever so endearing. Cheeks flushed, eyes blank and shrunken, face full of new found wonderment.

“Okay, that was strong. Fuck, get me another.” Bianca demands, grinning mischievously, and Zara wastes no time in grabbing her another cup and drink. She was hoping, with a little persuasion and a lot seductive drunken dancing, she’d end up in the same situation with Bianca as she had a few days ago.

-

It wasn’t a raging house party, by any measure. Not the type that gets over thrown with rowdy teenagers and fights, but rather it’s a “gathering” in which everyone attending gets incredibly drunk in the company of good friends. There’s a few unfamiliar faces but no one outrageous, and everyone is in high spirits. 

Bianca, Kendra and Trevor take themselves upstairs to Johnson’s bedroom, as he gives Kendra a hoodie to warm up in and the other two coo over them, embracing each other dramatically and laughing as they slow dance together. Johnson and Kendra laugh along, a little more lost in each other than the mocking of their friends. Danny and Alix drag them back downstairs eventually to play a game. Everyone sits in a circle on the living room floor, and there’s an empty bottle in the middle of them all. As Bianca sits beside Zara, she’s bombarded by Courtney’s arms around her neck and then spinning to sit the other side, still wide eyed and delightfully sunny. Bianca, now significantly drunker and looser, smiled back warmly, biting her lip and batting Courtney’s ponytail playfully, making her giggle.

“Please tell me this isn’t spin the bottle.” Kendra laughs, watching as Alix sits down with his Absolute vodka and cranberry juice beside him, smirking devilishly at her. 

“Truth or dare, yeah. Don’t be a pussy about it, Kendra.”

She widened her eyes, cocking her jaw and laughing as he gave her a challenging look. “You’re on, Joker. I’ll do anything thrown my way.”

Alix snickered, grabbing the empty bottle and spinning it. “We’ll see about that.”

The glass bottle span, slightly tittering out of its spot, and soon the sound of the glass scrapping the floor came to a stop and the neck landed on Danny. He looked up at Alix and jerked his brows, clicking his tongue before cockily saying “Dare. Hit me with the worst you got.”

It started with Danny having to give someone a strip tease - “Not Trevor, that would be too easy!” - he chose Courtney, who squealed almost the whole time with her hands unsure where to stay, but Danny threw himself around without an ounce of shame. Next was Alix, in which he was dared to call someone randomly on his phone and talk dirty to them. Of course it had to end up being Sarah, the girl who was madly in love with him. Trevor is next and ops for Truth. 

“How far have you and Danny gone?”

He turns bright red and nervously answers “Uh, not very. We’ve made out, and, like, almost done stuff, but...” Danny pulls him in to his chest, kissing his temple and winking at Alix who had asked, consoling his embarrassed boyfriend. Then Kendra was dared to swap her clothes with someone, and taking the opportunity as it arose, she picked Johnson to strip off and reveal all before squeezing into her glittery purple sheet top and booty shorts. She sat in his torn skinny jeans and red flannel shirt, winking at him as he grinned devilishly toward her, letting her hair down and fall around her face.

Everyone was having a ball, laughing wildly and drinking way more than their livers could probably handle. Then the bottle landed on Courtney, and the girl Lavender, one of Johnson’s roommates friends, watched her as Courtney chewed over her two options. 

“Go on, I’ll do a dare.”

Courtney figured it would be nothing less than taking off her top and running around the neighborhood screaming, or downing a disgusting drink that would probably make her throw up. She didn’t care what it was, she was already flying away on the ride that was her ecstatic intoxicated high, awaiting her fait from the random girl she didn’t know.

“Um, okay. I dare you to...kiss, the most attractive person?”

Everyone laughed a little, looking between one another, but Courtney took the order like an instinct and every nerve ending in her body alighted as she turned to Bianca, holding the side of her face as she pressed her lips tenderly against the other girls. She could feel the tense knots in Bianca from just her lips, but she was too far gone. The world around them had gone quiet and all her senses had shut down other than the will to kiss and the need to feel it in return. 

Bianca was shocked, but she had missed this feeling like she was missing a lung. The fireworks in her head, or the melting of her veins, where every feeling became one and all she knew was to kiss. She took the back of Courtney’s head, wanting her to fall into her arms and beg for her, tell her how much she needed Bianca. Her thin lips felt so soft, and she wanted to memorise that feeling, store it away forever and never let it slip away, in fear that she’d never be granted the greatest feeling ever again. 

Courtney pulled away, staring into Bianca’s eyes. The blown up black of her chocolaty eyes, twinkling with shock, all Courtney had to do was whisper how she felt and Bianca would be putty in her hand. All she had to do was kiss her again and tell her everything she was hiding away, and there’d be no more heartache and fake smiles...

She laughed instead, falling against Bianca’s shoulder. She could feel the other girl’s body stiff with nerves, but she lay long enough to let the horror of the false pretence fall, so she could look at her again without feeling her chest hurt. Everyone started laughing around them, and soon all Bianca could do was laugh, if not to hide her real emotions but to save herself. 

Courtney pushed herself up, baring her pearly teeth at Bianca. “Of course you’re the most attractive person, B. Your sense of humour with that hair, how could anyone resist?”

Bianca nodded shyly, turning away as fast as possible to grab her drink and sipped it, facing Zara. There, the only face in the room not amused at all but more irritated if anything, glaring at Courtney before meeting Bianca’s eyes and letting her expression fade into something resembling pity. 

“Well,” Alix looked around before stumbling to his feet, “this feels like a perfect time for tequila shots.”

Everyone cheered and stood up, apart from Bianca. She found herself slowing down as time sped past, feeling like she could physically feel the seconds cut up her skin and infect her blood. She hated this feeling, the pining for a girl who either was ridiculously naive or playing the game of beating her heart to a pulp, because which ever result it was ended the same way. Bianca alone, frustrated, and overly emotional. She sat in the middle of the room, eyes glued to the spot of dust under the sofa, and threatened herself to keep it together, for the sake of her sanity and reputation.

Not now, Del Rio. You didn’t let Jinxy get to you, you didn’t let Vivianne break you, so you won’t let Courtney hurt you either. Keep it together. This is just life. Growing up, sweat the small stuff and move on. You’re going to get up, get a drink, and pretend you’re not-

“Bianca.” A soft call shook her out of her state, and Bianca’s head whipped round to face the delicate features of Harriet, smiling and holding a glass of clear liquid. “Here, I got you some water. You look kind of sick?”

“Oh, jeeze, I’m fine.” She staggered to her feet, leaning on Harriet for support. “That’s nice of you though.”

Harriet shrugged. “I just didn’t want you to throw up.” She clears her throat, looking around awkwardly before continuing. “You know, I don’t want to meddle, but I think Zara really likes you.”

Bianca’s throat went dry, eyes shooting open. “Really? I mean, that’s cool. She’s a cool chick.”

Harriet nibbled her bottom lip, looking behind herself to see Zara talking to Kendra and Trevor. “Yeah. But uh, I hope it’s okay to ask...but, you uh, you’re not into her, are you?”

“Well, I like her. I do, I...I really love her company-”

“But you’re in love with Courtney?”

Bianca stood still as the words shot her spine like lightening. The stutters of her mind seemed stuck on her tongue, tying her words around each other. “No, I don’t love her.” She ground down on her teeth, sighing as the pressure clung to her chest. “It’s complicated. But trust, me and her, are never going to happen.” She honestly believed it, despite how much it hurt to admit. 

“Yeah, sure, sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything-”

“No, Harriet. It’s fine. You’re just looking out for your friend.” Bianca rubs her arm affectionately, smiling thankfully. “I like Zara, I do. I wouldn’t want to hurt her, but I don’t think either of us are looking for anything serious.”

Harriet tilts her head, humming. “All I’ll say is I’ve never seen her put in this much effort for someone. Zara usually gets in, gets out. But you...” Harriet, shrugs, “it’s food for thought, is all. I’m sorry.”

Bianca nods, a little dizzy from the whiplash of emotions. “No, it’s okay.” Before she could say anymore, Zara bounces over with Kendra and Trevor, handing Bianca another drink and teasing Harriet for insinuating anyone needed water. 

Everyone resumes their normal mood, dancing and laughing like 20 something year olds are programmed to do, but Bianca doesn’t feel the same. She’s suddenly overwhelmed by all the scattered fragments that might make up coherent thoughts, and she can’t seem to focus her attention on anything other than what her heart is trying to convey to her mind.

She blinks rapidly, about to walk out the room for some space and maybe fresh air, when suddenly she’s spun back into the action and as if sent by God himself to further send her in a spiral of confusion, it’s Courtney. The blonde bombshell dancing seductively, innocently, just wanting Bianca’s attention and devotion in this drunken moment. Bianca is able to muster up a smile, swaying her hips to the beat and keep Courtney content for the moment that is killing her slowly. This girl, face pale and shimmering in the glow of no cares, with her lips still a little swollen from their kiss, unintentionally mocking Bianca’s feelings with her lack of understanding. 

Then Courtney turns around and presses her body close to Bianca’s, holding her hair over her shoulder and moving in time with the music and her lustful wonders. It was unexpected, and as dramatic as it was, it felt deadly to the intoxicated self that was Bianca’s unrequited soul.

Bianca watched with wide eyes, feeling the literal hearts form in her pupils as the girl of her hottest desires pushed against her front, bending down and wiggling her bum against Bianca. Courtney giggled, with flushed innocence as the music took her away, but Bianca’s blood rushed feverishly through her veins as she felt her body hit by a heat wave.

She wanted to grab her by the hips and dance to the rhythm of Courtney’s body, but it was too risky. She knew her instincts, she knew her feelings, and she knew how far she’d take it. This wasn’t just some random girl who’d had too much to drink- this was Courtney, naively playing a dangerous game that everyone was well aware off. Bianca shuffled backward, still dancing and laughing to keep a cool attitude, then when Courtney sprung up straight, throwing her hair back, she took the girls hand and laughed harder.

“You need water, bitch. You’re totally wasted!”

“Of course.” Courtney pulled Bianca in, holding her secure by the small of her back as her eyes fell to her lips. “Aren’t we all?”

Bianca never felt so sober in her life. Her heart racing like a cheetah as she tried to maintain herself. Courtney’s bubble eyes growing close to popping, Bianca seemed to always fall into the perpetual pining of her desires that Courtney seemed to toy with too much. Was she really so naive she had blocked out everything from before? Their first, wild kiss in the dark of the club, or the sensual touches in her bed, or every longing gaze they both pretended meant nothing? Here she was, with Courtney unintentionally ogling her cleavage, and despite what her pained needs craved, she wanted nothing more than to be out of the situation. She couldn’t keep dealing with her emotions flailing around like a rag doll.

Before anything further could happen, Kendra jumped in and linked her arm with Bianca’s, and Danny wrapped his arms around Courtney’s waist, separating the two girls. Courtney was none the wiser, twirling around Danny still giggling. Bianca however was confused, detangling from Kendra when they got to the kitchen.

“You need something?” She asked, a slight laugh in her tone as she stared at her quizzically. Kendra crossed her arms, shaking her head.

“You are playing a dangerous game, Del Rio, and you know it.”

“Hay, I wasn’t doing anything. She was all over me! I was trying to get away!” Kendra cocked her brow, unbelieving. Bianca scoffed. “I was!”

“Alright. What the hell is she doing then? Why is she all over you like a hot rash?”

“I haven’t a fucking clue. I mean, I guess we’re usually kind of flirty-”

“That’s the understatement of the century.”

“But I don’t know, last time she was like this was when we were drunk. Maybe it’s a drinking thing.” Bianca shrugged, turning to the kitchen counter and pouring herself another drink. “This isn’t easy, you know, resisting that bitchy tease.”

“For someone so fond of her, you sure do like to pick insulting nicknames.”

Bianca smirked, sipping her drink. She looked out into the living room and there was Courtney, now with her arms around both Danny and Alix as she sang obnoxiously. Bianca huffed. “What am I supposed to do, Kendra? We’re friends, I like her, both as a friend and as more. I can’t ignore her.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt, Bianca.”

Bianca rolled her eyes, shoving Kendra playfully. “Don’t be such a fucking pussy. I’m fine. You know me, I’m like a cat, I always land on my feet and I’ve got like nine lives!”

“Yeah? Well you’re running out, Catwoman. Courtney’s going to break your heart if you’re not careful.” Kendra warned, giving Bianca a knowing look before walking out the room.

Bianca took a deep breath, before letting out a loud grunt of frustration, and slapped her forehead repeatedly. She wished Kendra wasn’t right, just once she wished she could laugh in her face and strut about victorious. 

This time, Bianca practically ran through the living room and up the stairs, letting out a relieved sigh when she found Johnson’s bedroom and the door was shut off from the rest of civilisation downstairs. She stood with her back pressed against the door for a few seconds, before falling to the man’s bed and letting her stress leave her body.

Recap: Bianca was undeniably, shamefully obsessed with Courtney and doing everything in her will power to forget the fact she wanted her so bad, while Courtney was denying there was ever anything between them all the while shamelessly teasing her like there was a chance. Then there was Zara, a totally sexy tattooist who was too cool for words and too punk to function, that for some unknown reason was really into Bianca, and they had hooked up drunkenly at a party that no one knew about. 

“Fuck.” Bianca cursed, her hands covering her face as the facts began to pour down upon her like lashing rain. She threw her arms either side her. They smacked the mattress harder than expected, the weight lost in the fog of too much alcohol, and Bianca was left with the heaviness in her wrists splitting open her veins.

She felt vulnerable, and for Bianca, that was the worst imaginable scenario. It had become all too familiar lately, and she was growing tired of welcoming it with open arms. She was fed up of thinking about how nice it felt to kiss Courtney. She was fed up of thinking about how her heart skipped a beat with every hello they exchanged. She was fed up of waiting around for the confused girl who was never going to give in to how she felt. Bianca had gone through those awkward years of being unsure, she didn’t want to add on more just for the sake of it.

So, what was it she wanted? On an obvious level, it was Courtney. There was no point ignoring the elephant of her thoughts, but that elephant’s gold was peeling off to reveal a snake. The other side had an open door with Zara holding the door, freeing and available, and that idea was somewhat of a comfort. 

Courtney had lied to her too. She had been with a girl- or, she had history with a girl, a stranger in Bianca’s world. When they met at Roobux, when all the complications began, Courtney had lied and told her she had no interest in women. Bianca had been tortured herself with the humiliation of falling for a straight girl, when maybe she hadn’t. Zara had never lied. Zara was a lesbian, and she’d taken care of Bianca when she needed her most; so why was it all so complicated even in theory?

The colours of Johnson’s room became blurred, with the lines intertwining and becoming merely another dull inevitable, closing Bianca’s lines of communication with peace and frustration. She was left in the silence, with just her heartbeat to comfort her, unsuccessfully. 

“H-hay Bianca?” A mousey voice crept through, breaking Bianca’s aura. She sat up and saw Courtney, timidly entering the room and staying stuck with her back to the door. Bianca resisted the urge to groan in annoyance.

“What’s up, blondie?”

Something had switched dramatically since a few minutes ago. The outrageous kid that was living in her prime, was now hunched in on herself, nervously avoiding any eye contact. Bianca quizzically watched how Courtney shyly sat on the edge of the bed, looking as if she might throw up.

“I need to say that I’m sorry.” She stopped, finally looking up to meet Bianca’s eyes and taking a deep breath. “I am so sorry for what I did over Christmas. Calling you and interrupting your good time.”

“What?” Bianca laughed. “It’s not a problem-”

“No, it is. I can’t avoid it. I won’t do that to you again, because last time it almost killed me to avoid you.” Courtney tucked her bottom lip in-between her teeth and took another deep breath, as if she was constantly on the verge of running dry. Bianca was suddenly struck with a gloomy ambience, feeling her heart be squeezed by the presence of Courtney, visibly distressed, because of her.

“I don’t understand where this is all coming from, Court. You were fine 5 minutes ago-”

“That doesn’t matter. I’m here now, telling you I’m sorry. I need you to know, Adore doesn’t mean anything to me.”

Bianca’s face fell, deadpan. She didn’t speak, she just sat silent, listening.

“She use to mean so much to me, yes. I still care about her deeply and I want to make up for all the shit I did to her some day, but...I don’t like her anymore, not like that...not romantically.” Courtney stuttered, sniffing back the tears that were slowly creeping though. Bianca moved her hand to rest on Courtney’s knee, but her face didn’t even twitch.

“Courtney...”

“I’ve probably fucked you off too many times, and you keep forgiving me for some unknown reason. I...I don’t mean to be such a disaster. But, the thing is Bianca. I...” She looked deep into Bianca’s eyes, and everything she wanted to say suddenly dissolved; she was drunk on the diluted colours of Bianca’s dark glimmering eye. Bianca stared back just as hard, awaiting the words she knew would never come. She held onto the speck of hope like it would revive her after death, and took the life from Courtney’s open mouth. What was happening? Why was Courtney saying any of this? The two sat in the quiet, gazing upon the lost ambition of what they both kept hidden from the light of day.

Courtney swallowed, a tear finally falling down her cheek. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you or ruin your Christmas or-”

“Hay,” Bianca finally smiled warmly, holding Courtney’s cheeks and brushing away the rogue tear. “Please don’t apologise for that. It wasn’t a problem, really. You were probably still a little drunk and just, telling your friend the shit that went down. We’ve all been there.” She lied, hoping her smile was convincing enough to denying that hearing about Courtney kiss another girl didn’t break her heart a little. “You’re such a messy drunk, blondie. Look at you,” Bianca sat back, chucking, “how many times have I had to console you after a few too many drinks, huh?”

Courtney sniffed, snickering lightly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no more tears, for fuck sake. No more sorry’s either, okay? You’re just being emotional because your drunk. I’m not mad at you for anything.”

Courtney sighed, knowing Bianca was lying, but nodded nevertheless. She wasn’t going to win this, and she was fine with it. As long as Bianca knew she meant no harm. “You mean so much to me, you know that?” Courtney told her, as the corner of her lip finally lifted. “If I ever piss you off, just tell me, okay?”

Bianca knew she couldn’t keep that promise. She knew that this charade was going to continue for a long time, despite what they both wanted: peace. How was she supposed to tell Courtney she was annoyed at her for kissing another girl when they were both so adamant on pretending everything was completely fine between them? She couldn’t muster up the strength to tear her apart, tell her how much it pained her not to kiss her, because to go through the days without Courtney was a life she didn’t want. She wanted to feel the agonising twisting in her gut if it meant she got to just talk to Courtney. She was caught in a catch 22, but sometimes that’s just life.

Bianca had been through the waves of distress, she could do it again.

“Of course. Come here.” She took Courtney in for a hug and all the agony sprang to life in a single second, taking every nerve in her body like a prisoner. She held on Courtney with everything she had, remembering the smell of her perfume, the feel of her skin, hoping it would all sink into her bones and she’d have her apart of her forever. Courtney is so soft, Bianca thought, burying her face in her shoulder and letting the moment overwhelm her own drunken emotions. 

Courtney wanted to tell Bianca everything, but she couldn’t. All she could do was hold her, and hope the fire would die out soon.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry.”

“Okay...sorry.”

Bianca laughed. That’s all she could do anymore, otherwise she might go insane. Keep laughing and the world keeps turning.