#i have enough to get by so things could definitely be worse
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Send Nudes
Summary: Chaos ensues after you accidentally send Spencer a nude pic
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader
Category: Smut
Content Warnings: (18+, minors DNI) dub-con (Spencer receives an unsolicited nude pic), embarrassment, awkwardness, tension, heavy kissing, male masturbation, oral (fem receiving), handjob, protected penetrative sex
Author's Note: I wrote this for @imagining-in-the-margins Wrong Recipient Challenge!
Word count: 3.2k
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Panic. Embarrassment. Shame.
It was hard to describe what you felt when you stared at your phone, realizing that you had just sent Spencer Reid a nude picture of yourself.
It was a mistake, of course – right when you wanted to send him a screenshot of an article, you stumbled over the mess in your apartment and selected the wrong picture. Frozen in place, you watched in horror as the read receipt showed up instantly.
Spencer had just seen your naked body light up on the screen of his phone.
A picture he never asked for and probably didn't want to see. It wasn’t a bad photo, some might even call it aesthetically pleasing. But you had never intended for anyone else to see it. It was just a way for you to make yourself feel good about your body.
You contemplated your options. Burning your phone, moving across the country and changing your identity sounded intriguing but difficult to arrange. Instead you decided to text Spencer, hoping that soon you’d both be able to laugh about the embarrassing thing you just did.
“I am so sorry about that. I really didn't mean to send that! Can you please delete the pic and forget about it?”
You didn't get a response. Spencer was never great at texting but you had really hoped to hear back from him. It was hard to tell if he felt just as embarrassed or maybe even offended – you certainly wouldn't want to receive unsolicited nude pics either.
You had barely gotten any sleep when you walked into work the next morning. Worst case scenarios had plagued your mind all night – from another painful workplace sexual harassment seminar to maybe even losing your job over your mishap – you had no idea what would expect you today.
Everything seemed normal when you got to your desk, except for the fact that your favorite coworker didn't even look at you when you walked by him. Spencer usually liked sitting beside you in the conference room and also on the jet, but he did neither of those things that day.
“Wow you really must have pissed Reid off, huh?” Luke whispered when he sat down beside you on the plane.
“Did he say anything to you?” you wanted to know.
“No, he didn't. What did you do? Spill coffee over his favorite chess board?” he teased.
“Oh it’s so much worse than that,” you whined while heat rushed to your face.
Emily decided to discuss the case before Luke could ask more questions. Spencer avoided you for the next couple of hours until you decided you both had suffered enough.
A quiet moment in the coffee kitchen of the police precinct seemed good enough to approach him.
“Hey Spencer,” you said and noticed how he almost jumped at the sound of your voice.
“H…hi,” he mumbled, his eyes fixated on the floor.
Stepping closer, he finally looked at you for the first time that day. The rosy shade spreading over his cheeks was impossible to ignore.
“I’m very sorry about the… you know. I didn't mean to send it but I understand if you feel offended by it,” you sincerely told him.
“I’m not… offended.”
You took a deep breath before you continued talking, “All I want to say is… if you want to discuss this incident with Emily or even HR, I would understand. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable in any way.”
“No, it’s okay, really,” he lied. “We can just forget about it.”
Spencer Reid was good at many things. Lying, however, definitely wasn’t his strong suit. You decided to drop the subject for now, aware that talking more about it would probably not make him less uncomfortable.
The tension between you two was palpable for the rest of the workday. When you stepped into your hotel room that night, you were relieved to finally have a couple of walls between the two of you.
If this thing didn't resolve soon, you’d have to talk to Emily about it eventually. But there was still hope that it wouldn't come to that. The embarrassment about your mishap was already bad enough as is.
The three knocks on your hotel door startled you. With your heart beating uncomfortably fast, you walked over to the door to find Spencer on the other side.
He walked into your room without saying a word. Then he began slowly pacing up and down your room, still silent. He looked at you for a second but his sight fell to the floor immediately after that.
“I uh…” he began before taking a deep breath. “I lied to you earlier.”
“About what?” you wanted to clarify. “Wanting to go to HR?”
He shook his head. “I said that we can just forget about it but I don’t think I can do that.”
Your heart felt heavy at his words. His discomfort pained you and you wished nothing more than to be able to take it back. “I’m so sorry Spencer.”
“I deleted the image off my phone but…” he paused to finally look at you. The expression written over his face was hard to read. What you didn't find was the discomfort you expected. Instead he looked… cocky?
He continued, “...it seems like it’s burned into my brain. And I can’t help but wonder, was it really an accident?”
“What?! Of course!” you squeaked. “Believe me, I would never want to send you a picture like that unprompted.”
That was when you saw a subtle smirk on his face. “Interesting choice of words.”
You thought about it for a moment. Had you really just implied that you would want to send him nudes if he’d ask you to?
“That's not what I meant,” you tried to brush it off. “And please don’t give me a lecture about Freudian slips.”
His presence filled the room and you felt like you couldn't take deep enough breaths to satiate your need for oxygen. His demeanor was so different from what you were used to and you had trouble wrapping your head around it.
His next question was even more surprising. “Who did you take this picture for?”
The undertone in his voice was unsettling and you started feeling defensive. “I don’t see how that's any of your business but just for the record, I took it for myself. I do that occasionally to make myself feel good about my body.”
It seemed as if he was content, almost relieved with your answer. You scanned his body language again and replayed his words in your head. Then it hit you all at once. Spencer was not here to scold you for what you did.
He was jealous. And he wanted to make sure no one else got to see your picture.
A grin formed on your face as you realized that you could play this game too.
Your tone was laced with a certain playfulness when you asked, “What did you do after you saw the picture?”
The change of your demeanor seemed to take Spencer by surprise. “I just told you, I deleted it.”
“I don't think that's all you did.” He audibly gulped and you noticed his cheeks taking on a reddish color. Stepping closer to him, you whispered, “Did you touch yourself, Spencer?”
A shaky breath left his mouth before he confessed, “Yes.”
“Naughty boy,” You teased him. “You really liked that image, hm?”
Nodding, he took a step forward until there was barely any space between the two of you. “I can't stop thinking about you.”
His words boosted your confidence. “I know I look great in that pic. But I think I would look even better in this lighting right here, don’t you think?”
Before you could bring to action what you had insinuated, you felt Spencer's hands cupping your face to pull you into a kiss. The surprised gasp escaping your throat was muffled by his lips against yours.
He kissed you with a fervor that knocked the air out of your lungs. Weakness rushed to your knees and you had to hold onto him to not tumble back. One hand pawed at his shirt while the other one held onto his shoulder. His lips felt soft yet firm against yours.
When his tongue begged for entrance, you let it. As he deepened the kiss, you could feel heat rushing through body. A few moments ago you really thought you’d have the upper hand in this game you were playing but now realized you were just as pathetic as he was.
Maybe sending him that image was a Freudian slip of some kind. Or maybe it was just some odd plan the universe had to bring you together. Either way, you were grateful for how things turned out.
Your hands became curious as they wandered over Spencer’s body. The tingling in your fingertips could only be soothed by feeling his skin underneath them, so they quickly began unbuttoning his shirt. Spencer showed a similar interest in feeling more of you by the way his fingers dropped down to the hem of your shirt.
Piece after piece both of your clothes fell to the floor, only ever breaking the kiss for as long as necessary. When you stood completely bare in front of one another, you dared to press your body against his to feel him.
It was impossible to tell who moaned first when his length pressed against your stomach. With a firm grip on his shoulders, you moved him back until his legs made contact with the edge of the bed. You pushed down until he sat on the mattress, staring up at you with a curiosity in his eyes that made your heart jump.
As you stepped back, his tongue darted out of his mouth to lick over his lips and you wondered if he thought about tasting you. To your surprise, he managed to not break eye contact until you challenged him, “Go on, take a look.”
His sight scanned your body, lingering on your breasts for a second before moving further down, taking everything in. You couldn’t hold back from looking at him, too. A rosy color had spread all over his cheeks and chest and when you dared to drop your eyes to his cock, you noticed how it twitched slightly against his thigh.
“You’re so beautiful,” he cooed when your eyes met again.
“Better than the image?” you teased, smirking at him.
He only nodded before looking at your body again. It was like he was mesmerized, as if a miracle had just unfolded right before him. It became obvious that he was ready to worship you if you’d let him. But first, you had something else in your mind.
“Show me exactly what you did when you saw my picture,” you told him.
He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Wh… what?”
“Don’t be shy now,” you snickered. “Come on, I wanna see how pretty you think I am.”
The sweet smile on your face seemed to encourage him enough to let his right hand move towards his hardness. It was as if he needed reassurance when he found your eyes and you nodded.
He wrapped his fingers around his cock, giving himself a squeeze and you watched as precum spilled over the tip. Slowly, he began moving his fist up and down his length, swiping his thumb over the head each time he got to the top. The groan that slipped from his lips could only be described as absolutely sinful.
You couldn’t deny how much the sight in front of you turned you on. Spencer was so incredibly beautiful and the thought that your body had the ability to make him feral like that drove you insane.
Arousal gathered at your entrance the longer you watched him. This show was no longer enough for you, you needed more. Your hands found the curve of your chest, gently kneading them before your fingers began toying with your hardened peaks. Spencer’s eyes were fixated on your hands, his mouth hanging wide open and unabashedly moaning at the sight while accelerating the pace of his hand.
Then suddenly, he stopped and got up from bed. Desperation was written all over his face when he looked at you.
“Please,” he begged as he stepped closer. “I need to touch you.”
It was everything you wanted right then, too.
“I’m all yours, Spencer.”
His mouth was on yours in an instant and he didn’t waste any time to move you over to the bed to push you onto the mattress. He followed quickly, towering over you as he kissed down your neck, making you moan in anticipation of what would follow.
He moved further down your body, kissing and nipping on the tender flesh of your breasts before focusing his attention on your nipples. The sensation was almost unbearable and you could feel how your arousal began coating the insides of your thighs.
Spencer smiled against your skin when he noticed you rocking your hips against his leg every so slightly. His confidence grew as he realized that you wanted him just as much as he wanted you.
“Needy,” he chuckled as he kissed down your stomach. “That’s cute.”
Right then you couldn’t care less about being in charge, you just wanted to be taken care of. When his lips brushed over your inner thigh, you opened your legs further to give him better access. He lay down between your legs and didn’t waste any time before he began leaving feather light kisses against your folds.
You watched as he licked his own lips, tasting your essence on them before he found your eyes.
“You’re so wet,” he teased and let a finger move along your slit. “Is that all for me?”
He expected a witty response, like you telling him to bring his mouth to good use for once. So it took him by surprise when you simply sighed, “Yes.”
There was no more game to play. No more back and forth of who was in charge. It was just the two of you, equally as desperate to finally do what you both had been dreaming of for weeks.
“Good,” Spencer whispered, his hot breath tickling your core, before he finally granted you some relief.
His tongue moved through your folds, collecting your taste before he focussed on your most sensitive spot. He experimented with different motions for a few moments, paying attention to your reactions until he found what you enjoyed the most. Your hand flew to his hair, your fingers intertwining with his curls to hinder him from moving away – even though he had no intention to do so, anyway.
With one arm wrapped around your thigh he hindered you from bucking uncontrollably against his face while his other hand found your entrance, letting two fingers slip into you with ease. He moved with great precision, adjusting the angle and the pace according to your reactions, bringing you closer to your breaking point with every second passing.
The sounds of your pleasure filled the room as you began dancing along the brink of euphoria. With just a few more skillful motions, he pushed you over it. Your walls pulsed around his fingers while your entire body shook. He worked you through your orgasm before he lay back down beside you, placing a gentle kiss against your lips.
You were still panting when you found his eyes. The warm amber of his irises was almost completely swallowed by his pupils, the lust visible in his eyes contradicting the saccharine smile he showed you.
“You okay?” he breathed as he wrapped one arm around your waist.
“Yeah,” you confirmed while one of your hands moved down his body.
Tentatively, you let your fingertips brush along his length, feeling his velvety skin under your touch. “Now what are we gonna do with you?” you purred as you wrapped your fingers tightly around him, making him gasp.
With a torturously slow pace, you moved along his cock. “Tell me, Spencer. What do you want?”
“I uhm…,” he audibly swallowed. “I have a condom in my pocket.”
The fact that he brought a condom to your hotel room when he came over early amused you. He never had any intention of just talking to you.
“So, you want to fuck me?”
“Yes,” he admitted unabashedly. “If you want that, too, of course.”
With a nod you confirmed that that was exactly what you wanted as well. Right after you let go of him, he grabbed his pants from the floor to take out the foil wrapper. You watched as he ripped it open and carefully rolled down the condom.
Then, he kneeled down between your legs, taking a moment to admire the beauty of the woman in front of him.
“Come here,” you cooed and he leaned over you without hesitation.
Reaching between your bodies, you guided him to your entrance. He closed his eyes when he slowly entered you, relishing the sensation of stretching you open inch by inch. When he was fully inside you, he kissed you before he began moving with slow thrusts.
Wrapping your legs around his hips, you brought him even closer. When he was sure that you could take it, he accelerated his pace, fucking you against the mattress until you were sure you would lose your mind.
Spencer’s body began trembling and he suddenly stopped moving.
“Sorry, I’m really close,” he whined and tried to pull out slightly.
“Don’t stop,” you pleaded as you kept him in place with your legs around him. “Please, I need it.”
One of your hands moved down to where your bodies were joined to desperately draw circles around your little nub, making you clench hard around his hardness.
“Fuck,” he whimpered as he began moving again. “I can’t, ah–”
With just a few more deep thrusts Spencer came, his cock twitching inside you as his whole body shook. It was enough to throw you over edge too, entering a state of pure bliss together with him. After you had both come down from your high, you welcomed him inside your embrace, your fingertips gently dancing over his back as he caught his breath.
For the sake of getting cleaned up you separated for a few moments, only to lay back down together soon after. A shaky breath fell from Spencer’s lips and caught your attention.
“So…,” he began talking but didn’t continue.
You propped yourself up on one elbow to find his eyes. “Yeah?”
“I wanted to ask if maybe–”
“You want me to send you that pic again?” you interrupted him with a grin on your face.
“No,” he laughed. “I mean… that’s not what I wanted to say.”
Still in a teasing mood, you snickered, “But you would like to see that pic again?”
“You know what,” he chuckled as he lifted the blanket to get a peek at your naked body. “I think I actually prefer this.”
“Good,” you chirped. “If you want to see more of me you’ll have to take me on a date though.”
Placing a soft kiss on your lips, he whispered, “Deal.”
Thank you for reading! Please like, reblog and leave a comment to show your support and help me stay motivated to write more stories!
Taglist: @adoredfromafar @grumpyy-bearr @frickin-bats @pleasantwitchgarden @cynbx @xserenax-13 @alexxavicry @samuel-de-champagne-problems @evvy96 @reidsbookclub @lover-of-books-and-tea @sebs-oxygen @nomajdetective @kobaltdragon @matthew-gray-gubler-lover @castiels-majestic-wings
#spencer reid#doctor spencer reid#dr spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid fic#spencer reid smut#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x reader#criminal minds#criminal minds smut#criminal minds fanfic#criminal minds fanfiction
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@quitealotofsodapop you thank you for helping me so much with this au
Wukong is playing to good host to the Pilgrims, even whilst they seemingly continuously made asses of themselves. To be fair to them, their reaction to a television could have gone worse. The only casualty to that anomaly of technology and magic is a broken VR headset at least, and Wujing had been profusely apologetic since they got it into his head that the machine wasn't some demon trap. And they were trying very hard to be gracious guests! There was just one singular problem that kept getting on the way.
This is not the Pilgrims Wukong had known at the end of the Journey. Not the brave and selfless Tripitaka, not the loyal and true Ao Lie, not the steadfast Wujing, and maot definitely not the rough around the edges but still very kind Zu Baije. And it was clear to them that they felt much the same about Wukong, flinching st every move he made as if e expecting him to attack if given the chance, much like he would have done had he been given the chance early on in the journey. Wukong was happy to see his brother's again, but instead of the family he had found along the journey, he instead has the cowardly monk, selfish pig, meek dragon, and unenthusiastic water demon he had started the journey with. The ones who hated and feared him and he hated and feared in turn before time and many enemies along the way broke through each other's walls and forced them to bond together.
At the very least Ao Lie was enthusiastic to see him and excited about learning about how life has evolved from the Tang dynasty. He took one glance at the many photos around the house and clocked onto Mei as being his decendant immediately. He's been enthusiastically talking about baby dragons since and asking about every little thing in the picture. Wukong was happy to tell him of the little spitfire hatchling thay inherited his sword and how the world has changed their view on many things, proper behavior of men and women included. He even showed Ao Lie some of the outfits Mei and he picked out together in their last shopping trip, dresses and skirts included.
That's when Zu Baije put his foot in his mouth by commentating on the fact Wukong was cross dressing, putting Wukong in a terrible mood. After reaming Baije out on his sexist ideologies and how out of date they were even amongs Tang era demons, frightening Tripitaka into hiding under the couch cushions in the process, Wukong had stormed out to where MK had been cleaning up a bit, havinf insisted on doing that to give Wukong time with his old friends, fur puffed irritably.
"Oh, that's not a good sign." MK paused from scrubbing the wall he was cleaning to comment the moment he saw Wukong's tail lashing about like a snake, "What happened?"
"I didn't hit any of them, if that's what your asking about." Wukong grumbled, grabbing a spare bristle brush and stepping up next to MK to help, "Just... forgot how people in the Tang dynasty viewed... certain types of dress."
"They found the dresses?"
"Yup."
"Baije make fun of you?"
"How'd you know it was Baije?" Wukong quirked a brow at his apprentice, fairly certain he'd never told him anything about the Pilgrims for him to come to that conclusion. MK gave him an awkward grin in return.
"I maaay have started reading the book. At least some of it. Macaque was bugging me about it."
"I see." Wukong frowned at that, because if MK had gotten far enough into the book that he'd know Baije was an asshole, then he probably knows about all the things Wukong had done at his worst. It makes him worry about what impression thay made on his young apprentice.
#lmk jttw#lmk au#lmk sunburst duo#lmk pilgrims#lmk sun wukong#sun wukong#jttw sun wukong#pilgrims time warp au
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Lucifer walked down an hour or so later with a warm bottle. He was thinking of letting Adam feed his daughter.
He could hear Adam speaking before opening the door. When he did, he looked at the scene in front of him.
Adam was leaning against the bedframe, his knees brought to his chest. Avery was lying on his knees, her arms waving as Adam spoke. She was making the sweetest noises.
He was talking about Eden. Lucifer's eyes narrowed as he listened, he hasn't been noticed yet.
Adam: There was every plant you could imagine. Some even looked a bit weird- but they were cool. I bet you would have loved liriope. Their flowers are funny looking.
Lucifer eyes softened when we heard his daughter babble and squirm. Arm was moving her little arms around, which she seemed to love.
She was definitely a kicker. If Adam was any closer, his chest or face would be in reach.
Adam: Mm, that's why my ribs hurt~. Yes it is~.
Lucifer: Adam.
Adam tensed at looked at Lucifer: What?
Lucifer lifted the bottle up and walked over to him.
Lucifer held it iut in front of him: Think you can handle it~?
Adam rolled his eyes and took the bottle: I've raised kids in worse places than this, bitch. Don't fucking patronize me.
Adam glared as Lucifer sat on the bed next to him and played his daughters foot. Adam wouldn't mind. But he does mine. Very much so.
Lucifer was shaking his leg, rapidly moving it up and down, shaking Adam's bed slightly.
Adam's eye twitched, but he didn't say anything.
And the fucker stick of fucking apples. Adam has no idea how that's possible, but he reeks, and it's giving Adam a headache.
With a sigh, he rests his daughter in his arms and starts feeding her.
Lucifer: ...does that look right?
Adam: Your face isn't going to look right, in a minute. So piss off. I know what I'm doing-.
Lucifer: I'm just worried that it's been a good nine thousand years since you had a kid, let alone a baby.
Adam: Sure, but I have nine hundred kids, Lucifer. You don't just forget that shit.
Lucifer: Alright. Fair enough. I'll trust you.
Adam: I'm not asking you to trust me, I'm asking you to fuck off and give me room to feed her- and stop shaking your damn leg!
Lucifer smirked at Adam before standing.
Lucifer: Someone's testy.
Adam: Oh gee, I wonder if it's because you broke my nose earlier. Hmm, is that the reason? Or is it because you've locked me in some- basement ass room. OR are you dealing with your own inadequacies because you're slowly realizing how much better a father I am than you?
Lucifer glared at Adam, his eye twitching. That only made Adam smile.
Adam: Or all of the above?
Lucifer: ...Just- hurry up and feed her so I can bring g her upstairs. It's hard to breath, with you polluting the air.
Adam rolled his eyes and looked back down at his daughter as she finished. He puts the bottle down and rests her on his collar bone, and pats her back. He glanced and saw the expression Lucifer had while watching them.
Adam: ...I'm burping her, of you want to know.
Lucifer: I know what you're doing... I'm allowed to watch.
Adam: If that's the case, could you do it without that stupid look on your face? It's scaring Avery. And me, for that matter.
Lucifer: Listen here, PIG. You will not speak-.
Hus daughter burped a couple of times before babbling and waving her arms around as best she could.
Adam: There you go, love. Ignore him. Just do your thing.
Lucifer: Ignore me? Really?
Adam: Really.
Adam kisses his daughter a few times before she yawns.
He smiles, but it drops as he softly hands her to Lucifer.
Adam: Be careful.
Lucifer: Don't tell me to be careful. She's my second daughter.
Adam: And she's my 514th daughter. What about it?
Lucifer: ...just get some sleep. Or whatever you do.
Adam glared as Lucifer walked back to the door. He didn't look back as he closed it. Adam sighed and decided to test how long this chain is. That, and he needed to move around.
Adam: Asshole...
What about an au where Adam goes to Hell for night trips, wher ehe just parties and fucks. He has a disguise (it's just a slightly different looking helmet).
Lucifer joins his daughter and her friends at a bar, where he sees "Adam". He instantly knows it's him, but he's curious as to what he's doing.
So Lucifer spends hours flitting with him and buying him drinks to get him drunk. But Lucifer actually finds himself having a great time.
Long story short- they fuck, Adam doesn't let Lucifer know he's Adam. He goes back to Heaven and after a few months, he finds out he's pregnant.
Which is fucking weird cause he's definitely a dude, and he's very dead. But Lucifer's the Devil 🤷.
He basically has to play it off as him getting fat. It's working until the next meeting with Lucifer happens during his ninth month, and he's goes into labor right in front of Lucifer.
Lucifer: Why didn't you tell me your were fucking pregnant!?
Adam: Because you didn't know it was me!!
Lucifer: Yes I did! You have the same face!
Adam: ..... Oh..
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realizing this is as good as it gets
#*unless i miraculously get medicated#cause as i am rn i am just Too Tired to make anything more of myself .... in all facets of my life#romantic life social life employment etc etc etc#i have enough to get by so things could definitely be worse#i just gotta come to terms with potentially (probably. almost certainly) spending the rest of my life as a khv recluse in a dead end job#with next to no friends or family..... le sigh#also the constant various body pains/Symptoms#if i was medicated i would at least have the attention span to really DRAW and WRITE again which could make me more friends#but alas im just drained all the time and its boooring boring boring boring im so bored#graaahhhhhhh. not super angry or sad about this^ rn just getting it out of my head for a little while#im gonna make dinneerrrr i wanna make more veggies in rice but i cant JUST have veggies in rice idk what to have with it grr#mumbling
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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Everyone posts about how Stardew Valley is a cozy LGBT+ inclusive game but NO ONE mentions the lack of a platonic option for the bachelors/bachelorettes. Which would be good for aspec people and also just more pleasant for many casual players I believe but that's not even the point. I just want to become best friends with everyone and not only does that require me dating everyone at once and feeling like a sleazebag because of it (ik the bad cutscene can be avoided but I know in my heart they'd be hurt if they knew) BUT it also means the women flirt with me!!!!! Constantly!!!!!!! It makes me sick to my stomach. Truly ruining the characters I liked
#this post is not that serious or meant to be an Analysis or a Discourse Post or a Hot Take or whatever#i just think the dating thing needs to be handled differently#i should be able to Not Date characters and still get 10 hearts with them#also ive never made it far enough in stardew valley to marry someone and this is the first time i could even date someone#and ive heard that the flirtatious comments dont stop once you're married which is. really awkward for me#i mean i could probably handle the guys flirting with me while im married but id hope being married would be an off switch for it#its just awkward to have ppl im not actually dating and only gave a bouquet to so i can be their friend be called my bf/gf when. they're Not#i seriously need to find some kind of mod to fix this once i finish getting all the girls up to ten hearts#i will deal with the stomach churning grossness of the flirting for a while so i can see everything#but then I'm DONE!!! I'm DONE!!!! I just want my friends back!!!!#maru and abigail and haley !!! my buds!!!#NOT emily shes scary and NOT leah because we just didn't click and DEFINITELY not penny because i fucking hate her#penny sucks. penny dni#but yeah the flirting feels gross because im gay and repulsed by women romantically/sexually#and even though i did open myself up to this by playing the game. because i dont want it it feels like its being forced on me#which makes it feel even WORSE than normal#and its like. not only do i feel like I'm stringing along these characters#but i feel like my friendship with my favourites is ruined :(
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hello people who live in my phone. why did my computer take a dozen screenshots of the Minecraft video settings menu instead of the game while I was walking around taking pictures of the house i built? I'm sad :(
#this is a joke. i dont care to know but i Am sad. i built zephyr and renards house bc i needed to figure out its layout.#i wanted to show people but No my computer thinks the fucking pause menu is more interesting#Like TBF i have modded this bitch. a pretty decent amount. this could very well be my fault#i didn't build an exterior i just did the interior#its the worse looking thing ive ever built#ie an extremely accurate depiction of those white on white on white remodels that have no definition or soul#white carpet white walls white ceiling. grey or tealy blue furniture. You know the vibe#So boring theres nothing to object to when you look at it.#Anyways their house is two stories 3 bedroom 2 bath with a basement sunroom thing a small finished attic.#Lots of places to get separated and hide out from eachother#Open floor plan in the main space though. I didn't make it large enough for the living/dining/and kitchen to be completely separate#still a fucking massive house#for two guys with no family that can vist and no desire to have kids#they dont need that much space
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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#just need to bitch about my new job for a minute#first of all - so lucky and happy to have a job i will say that#been unemployed for two months and i need something to pay the bills#but...the fucking 'no one wants to work' of it all is such bullshit#so this new company starts you at $13/hr#not great but considering i live in rural america it's way worse around here#they're remote but their definition of remote is that you can only work from your house no where else#you get two days off per week but it's not two days back to back#if you're full time you get extra holiday pay but there are no holidays off#if you're part time fuck you you just have to work#full time employees get 10 vacation days and 6 sick days#part time you just get so many unpaid hours off#like...i'm working part time because i'm hoping to get actual work in my field#but you're telling me if i was full time i'd get /16 days/ of paid time off per year?#but also i'm not allowed to go anywhere else while i work??#like i have family just out of state that i could pop over and see on a long weekend or even a short one#but i don't even have two days back to back so i just can't go see them without taking time off#and like...probably i can just use a vpn and it won't be a big deal#and i'm hoping this is a super temporary thing and i can actually use my degree#but like /fucking hell/ of course no one wants to work in conditions like this!#i know it's work from home and there are some perks to that but not enough to make up for everything else#also not them telling me during my interview that after training you don't have to be on camera#but during out first day today being told we have to 'earn the privilege'#bitch please it's fucking chat support#i am just so tired of employers thinking that it's a privilege for us to work for them#it's a privilege for you to have me honestly#oh and also if you run out of days off you don't get unpaid time off#they just start giving you strikes#like our trainer is really nice and great but also she's trying to sell this 10 days off as some kind of amazing thing#in the us that's /fine/ if you also get the holidays off!
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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So I was chatting with my fellow very mentally ill queer coworker friend about mental illness (as we do) and I mentioned how I was realizing that my wildly manic depressive response to grief wasn't... normal...
& they were like 'oh my god Yeah I've been suspecting you're bipolar for a While now' bc apparently I get in... modes... where my pupils are Huge and I'm talking a mile a minute and doing 4 things at once and even my Posture is different
And then I'll come in the next day like all the life's been sucked out of me.
& she mentioned there's type 1 and type 2, 1 being the longterm episodes & 2 being them alternating on a day to day basis. And I'm just like... damng... I sure do seem to have that 2 thing...
Apparently it's not normal to alternate between manic and depressive states! Who knew!
#speculation nation#ive like... always had this sorta thing. fatally hyperactive is how ive thought of it#those moods where im bouncing off the wall and super cheerful but DEFINITELY in a concerning mental state#apparently it's not exactly normal to be having a breakdown but laughing as you do it#no wonder no depression meds have worked for me. bc im not Just Depressed.#ive known for a while now that i dont have normal depression. i just dont. but sometimes im depressed#and then sometimes i write 70k words in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!#it makes sense but i kinda wish it didnt lol. as if autism and adhd wasnt enough. bipolar too??? really????#im gonna do some research & see if it's smth worth looking into treatment for#mayhaps i could mention it whenever i set up my psychiatry appointment :p#i dont wanna b bipolar 😭 but then again identifying it will probably help with managing it#damng all i needed to figure out my manic depression wasnt normal was losing my uncle & the symptoms getting Much Worse#me wildly oscillating between too depressed to write and too manic to write (bc even though i was motivated i didnt have clarity of mind)#longest... sigh... imaginable... i have so many mental and physical problems and i have No idea where to start with them#...adhd first probably. if i can tackle my abysmal executive dysfunction then maybe the rest will be easier to address lol#negative/#I Guess.
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god i know that complaining abt fic which most of you haven't read, and which i won't, for politeness' sake, identify in this post, is a great way to come across as both dickish and boring—
but i've been rereading a very long, very satisfyingly plotty series that's a fandom darling and the thing is, when you read like 400k of an author's work at once it really starts to become painfully apparent what their priorities are, by which i mean two things:
holy shit they're obsessed with 'what if strong powerful men who could hurt you didn't (but did hurt Bad Guys) (and it was sexy of them),' which leads into
holy shit they do not appear to have thought through the implications of saying 'i will have my heroes take over the same power structures that have enabled abuse, make no real changes to those structures other than swapping out the leadership, and then claim that everything is wonderful now bc Good Men Are In Charge'??
like. i don't necessarily need every passing fantasy to present me with a coherent, revolutionary system of politics and ethics—sometimes things are just fun and sexy and not especially Examined and that's fine!—but by the time someone's written literally almost half a million words, and done a lot of worldbuilding while they were at it, i am going to start squinting if they seem to think a Good Man can e.g. become an emperor by killing off the leadership of multiple countries and installing puppet kings loyal to him and still remain a Good Man, even if the justification was that the original leadership was maltreating its citizens and deserved to be extrajudicially executed. like. this shit was a bad, autocratic move when the US did it in real life and it's still bad now that you're having our mutual blorbo do it in fiction! and that's not even getting into the whole thing where like. they've got servants who the Good Man and his friends ""treat well"" but who very much remain second-class citizens in terms of how the story actually frames them and their concerns. [this was also a huge issue i had with foz m*adows' most recent book—everyone wants to write about fantasy nobles but they also want to make them good people and it's like. honestly i think it might be better to get comfortable writing about flawed people, but also—if your aristos aren't treating their servants like equals and your text isn't either, you haven't actually cracked the Moral Aristo paradox, sorry!] like, there's nothing that says your story has to depict a fully Healed World, nor should there be! but it's troubling if you seem to be convinced you've written one (and have your wide-eyed love interests constantly marveling at it!) when you very patently haven't.
#in all honesty—i've framed a lot of this as political/ethical critique‚ and like‚ it IS‚ but also—#i'm just really frustrated because like. the whole 'what if people were shockingly nice to you' thing feels like it SHOULD be better for me#but in actual fact i find myself totally turning up my nose at it and i can't totally work out why#i mean i guess part of it is that this author's Traumatized Love Interests are always really innocent victims#which i can't identify with emotionally because i feel like a piece of shit#so i need a story that's more like 'person who's been told they were a monster for so long they believe it gets convinced they aren't'#'(lovingly and sexily)'#but also i think a lot of it just. isn't subtle enough. like i need to have to put pieces together so i'm implicated in my own catharsis#being constantly told 'wow it's so amazing i'm not being abused by this person who COULD abuse me!! that's so sexy of them!'#is just. not doing it for me. like. 'not abusive' is not actually sexy to me‚ unfortunately. i need some character traits.#and unfortunately the ones this author tosses in for flavor ALSO don't convince me#because they never actually manifest in the story. it's like 'oh this character is so prickly—but never actually offends the LI.'#'oh this other character is so gruff—but the LI understands that about them from day one and doesn't take it personally.'#like. if the hero's 'flaws' don't actually cause any problems—they aren't flaws#anyway. i've definitely complained about this exact series multiple times on here at this point#but that's the thing—it's compelling enough i keep going back to it‚ so i get extra-frustrated by its flaws#whereas like. there's a lot of stuff that's much worse that i've been much less frustrated by#because i never had any particular hopes for it#anyway. thx for yr patience in this fully self-inflicted Trying Time‚ lmao#i guess this can get filed under#bookblogging
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thought too hard about my adolescence made myself sad 🥲
#red said#the thing is that i was talking to mum about a time when i was 17 when i almost left my ex but didn't#partly bc i was too scared cause it was 3am and i was in another town and i was either going to have to wait 3 hours for the first bus#or call home and wake my dad up and i thought he'd be so mad at me and i wouldn't know how to explain#and like with the power of 30 year old hindsight. he would not have been angry.#like i know that NOW. NOW i know his whole family history involves a lot of domestic violence and he'd be there to protect me#but i didn't know that when i was 17 i didn't know that he'd understand i was Just Scared#so i stayed and i stayed in that relationship another year and it got a lot worse#but some of it's like. how much of nobody coming to get me was that? would people have come if I'd just asked???#and some of it's like. even if I'd known i could trust him i still couldn't have called my dad. cause i didn't trust myself.#like if I'd called anyone or left in the night at some point i would have had to explain. and he Barely Hit Me At All at that point#and i didn't have the vocabulary to frame the main stuff he was doing as abuse cause it wasn't overtly violent#even though it was. definitely. rape and emotional abuse.#so like i never left bc i couldn't construct a good enough explanation to myself of why i needed to#and i just stayed and got sadder and more withdrawn and more tired#and that sucks. like it's not even just that i didn't reach out for help it's that i COULDN'T#it took me until i was like 25 to even figure out that i COULD#and that's sad cause it's not even that i was it there alone. people would have come for me if i knew how to get off the island
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#some days are so hard like I am very not okay a lot of the time these days but rn I’m actually okayish so I can’t put it into words#but like basically I’ve been have trouble sleeping recently and it’s only gotten worse…to the point where I’ve been waking up every single#night and it’s so hard to get my brain to be sleepy again and go back to sleep#and it’s ruining my life like being exhausted makes life sososo hard I’m miserable and everyone around me is laughing and lighthearted and#I just wallow in my own misery…like when I’m okay I’m okay but when I’m not I question everything#I should really just quit my job and focus on dealing with this chronic insomnia I have now but I’ve been trying different things and#nothing has stuck..part of me probably isn’t trying hard enough but how can I with a full time#job and the need to feed myself and chores and getting my mind of everything and trying to workout more like??#that���s why I need to quit but I am hesistant to move home like I don’t have to but still then I wouldn’t need to pay for rent yknow but I#I also kind of don’t want to move home bc it’s quite nice not to and for covid reasons bc I’m like the only one I know that still cares#about covid lmaooo but like there are definitely pros too like I’m glad I still have the option tbh#but I wish I could just sleep and didn’t have to fight my own brain every single night why can’t I just be normal like I know no one is#normal but also why does everyone else do such a good job hiding it while I just feel like I’m just bringing the mood down by struggling so#much..like also my dept so small rn and I actually do lie my coworkers they really already take a lot of weight comparatively and are#reliable that I feel bad idkkkk why can’t I just sleep like seriously. wtaf is wrong with me#random thoughts don’t mind me#I’m so fucking tired
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the struggles of today proved to me that i might indeed be a little mentally unwell
#not enough to go to therapy but at least now i know what i should work on#correct me if i'm wrong but most people probably don't start to feel suicidal if there's like. a problem at work#i've been asked to support the back office and help with managing cases which is okay i guess. but i'm not a support team person so#i don't know how to do a lot of things despite using the learning resources provided by the workplace#and this one case i'm handling was rather easy on the surface. no info in sys so parcel can't move forward. ask origin to release data. eas#but then origin says that they can't because they get an error message when putting in receiver's acc number. ruh roh#if origin can't release data no one can. i've asked them to handle it with IT but had no response. in the meantime the other involved CS#started getting involved and now a production in a factory is stopped. and i know it's not my fault but i could've done better#acted faster. thought smarter. and i hate this kind of responsibility. and that i care too much#i've cried so much today i'm so tired. from the stress of this task i've been given and because of the IT issues popping in all the time no#i logged into work 45 minutes late because the VPN i've been using shit itself and i had to get a backup one#i should've gotten it installed ages ago but nooo let's do that laterrrrr you definitely won't regret that#i hate having to put up with this bitch (me) .#another thing is. it's currently summer vacation season so i'll have to brace myself for more support work to come. it's probably gonna go#just as bad if not worse. i'm so not cut out for this. i'll have to ask my boss if he can move me to a different service#so i can have an excuse like sorry i can't help i'm no longer associated with tnt~#but that's gonna have to wait until he;s back from his vacation in august . oh well#also all this stress might result in me getting something akin to an ED#my stress response other than crying and shaking is not feeling hunger. i ate something substantial at 5pm and had breakfast at 6am#between that i had two small pieces of candy and water#i'm already bad at feeding myself or at the very least eating nutritious food . this could make me worse#“oh but kav everyone makes mistakes and it's important to learn from them! keep fighting!” bitch i don't want to i didn't sign up for this#if i wanted to work for Support Team i'd have applied there. i did not wish to get involved with them and their work#sorry i needed to get this out of my system. i'll probably complain to some irls too but i might be able to do that without crying now#laments#<- i think this is going to be my vent tag
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#is it wrong morally to kinda slightly wish i had like clinical depression.#cause like im suicidal as shit i injure myself as a response to making any mistake and if i get free time i spend it lying in my bed#there's not much evidence for actual depression i know that. and i definitely don't actually have it or any other mental problems with names#I'm not sad enough often enough to have depression#i just quite often feel like nothing. like life isn't worth living but i can't be bothered to do anything about it#like i want to die but i also don't care enough to actually end it all (also just afraid of death and severe pain)#and so i kinda want a diagnosis not because i have it and actually deserve help or really need it#but just so i could maybe understand what the hell is going on with my brain better#i wish i had depression instead of this even if it's definitely 100% at least 10 times worse because at least then I'd know more#yeah i know this is a shitty thing to think. and its horrendously offensive to people that have worse mental problems than:#is suicidal hates herself and feels like nothing is worth doing anymore sometimes#so im very sorry about this post existing#boiled electronics
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