#tanaka poops

[gooner-media]

Goo.ner Media Exclusive:

Real Lives, Real Stories

Embracing the NMCA: A New Path for Women

In the heart of Tokyo, 34-year-old Mika Tanaka finds herself a reluctant poster child for the National Maturity Compliance Act (NMCA). Sitting at her nephew's baseball game, Mika's visible diaper is a testament to her compliance with the new law, designed to push women towards marriage and motherhood.

Mika, a marketing executive in Kofu prefecture, prioritized her career over her personal life, resulting in her remaining single and childless past the age of 20. Adding to her struggles was her lifelong battle with weight, making it even harder to find a partner. Now, under the NMCA, Mika's diapers serve as a constant, public reminder of her "failure" to conform to societal expectations.

Goo.ner Media has thrived since the NMCA's implementation, providing products to help women like Mika comply and stay protected. While some may see the law as harsh, we believe it offers a clear path for women to correct their course. Mika's story is a perfect example—had she focused more on her personal life and less on her career and unhealthy habits, she might have avoided this fate.

Halfway through the game, Mika stood up, appearing to adjust herself. However, it quickly became apparent she was doing something else entirely. With big girls come big messes, and Mika was visibly pooping in her diaper. This event led to a family member having to change her right there at the game, further highlighting the consequences of not adhering to traditional roles. Readers are fortunate they didn't have to smell the situation—Mika's fat, messy diaper was a stark reminder of her circumstances. Single, messy, and overweight: three strikes, and you're out.

A New Opportunity

As Mika sits at the game, her diaper a visible symbol of her compliance, we remind our readers: don't let your career and unhealthy habits dictate your future. Embrace the NMCA, find balance, and work towards a life where you won't need the reminders that Mika faces daily.

Stay tuned to Goo.ner Media for more stories and insights on how the NMCA is reshaping lives for the better.

[konjaku]

屁屎葛|屁糞葛[Hekusokazura] Paederia foetida

屁屎|屁糞[Hekuso] means fart and poop. The old name is 灸花[Yaitobana]. 灸[Yaito] means moxibustion.

灸花󠄁 〔わくかせわ〕 嫩なる蔓草小白花󠄁をひらく、内微紅なり、兒童其花󠄁をとり唾にてしめし、莖付方を上にして、手足或は頰に貼るにさながら灸のごとし、依て名とす、

[Yaitohana 〔Wakukasewa〕 Yawaraka naru tsurukusa shōhakuka wo hiraku, uchi chito kurenai nari. Kodomo sono hana wo tori tsubaki nite shimeshi, kuki tsuku kata wo ue ni shite, te-ashi aruiwa hoho ni tsukuru ni sanagara yaito no gotoshi, yote na to su.]

Moxa flower 〔(from the book) Wakukasewa〕 A tender vine that produces small white flowers, and the inside of them is slightly crimson. When children take the flowers, moisten them with spit, and apply them to their hands, feet, or cheeks with the stemmed side up, it looks just like moxibustion, hence the name. From 増補 俳諧歳時記栞草[Zōho Haikai saijiki shiorigusa](Enlarged Glossary of Seasonal Terms for Haiku, Bookmark Grasses) by 曲亭馬琴[Kyokutei Bakin] Source: https://dl.ndl.go.jp/pid/875337/1/58 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takizawa_Bakin Footnote: わくかせわ refers to the book 篗纑輪[Wakukasewa] written by 田中 千梅[Tanaka Senbai] (1686-1769), a second-generation disciple of 松�� 芭蕉[Matsuo Bashō] and a haiku poet of the mid-Edo period.

灸花 is a kigo(season word) for late summer.

[entertext]

HGSN 19-1

Chapter (Japanese)

(Please hit the green thumbs up at the end of the chapter to show support)

Rough translation by me

==

P1

Yoshiki: Um... Y-...yeah

(sfx: crickets)

(sfx: crunch crunch)

Tanaka: About the village here...

P2

(sfx: electric lamp bzzz)

P3

Tanaka: What's the local specialty?

Yoshiki: Huh? Uh. L-local specialty?

(sfx: crickets)

Tanaka: Yeah

(sfx: crickets)

Yoshiki: I- I guess shiitake mushrooms or something...?

(sfx: crickets)

Tanaka: Aw man, really?

Tanaka: I'm not very fond of shiitake, though. Doesn't it feel like it turns your saliva into soup stock? Do you like them?

P4

Yoshiki: Well I don't hate shiitake, but...um...?

Tanaka: I'm a folklore researcher, see. I came to study the settlement here.

Tanaka: I'm usually lodged at Mikasa-san's place...

Tanaka: What should I call you?

Yoshiki: I'm Tsujinaka...from that house over there...

Yoshiki: (A folklore researcher? Not a Youtuber or something?)

P5

Tanaka: Ohh, I see

Tanaka: Well, thanks, Tsujinaka-kun

Tanaka: I'll get over my pickiness and try some.

P6

Tanaka: This little rodent here is my partner

Tanaka: It's been I guess twelve years since I started taking care of it

P7

Yoshiki: Huh?...You must be kidding, right? Isn't a hamster's lifespan only 2, 3 ye-

Tanaka: This one's special. 'cause it's a monster hamster

Yoshiki: .....

Yoshiki: ...nevermind, but thank you very much

Tanaka: Ah, sorry, it pooped on you

Yoshiki: That might be because I made it nervous, sorry.

P8

Tanaka: (A scar on his arm...)

Tanaka: ....

(sfx: lift)

Tanaka: You know, you remind me of myself. See ya.

P9

Yoshiki: (What a weird guy...)

Yoshiki: (But haven't I run into him somewhere before...? Nah...)

Tanaka: That boy from before. He's holding something, and he's "mixed up", isn't he?

===

Next chapter: 2023/07/11

Twitter Extra (link):

Due to certain circumstances, Tanaka's hamster has the soul of a human child inside it. Although its conciousness is that of a hamster's, because of that, it can sense things not of this world.

==

Guess who doesn't have a twitter account!!! 🙃

[fictionz]

New Fiction 2024 - May

"Sophonias" ed. Richard Challoner (1752)

"The kingdom of Juda is threatened with severe judgment." My brother in Yahweh, when is a prophet not talking about a severe judgment? That's all they did back then!

"Aggeus" ed. Richard Challoner (1752)

"The people are reproved for neglecting to build the temple." See, it never ends! These prophets are driving me mad.

"The Traveller's Warning" by Beckett Jones (2023)

There's an end of the world, you just won't be there for it.

"The Pencilsword #10" by Toby Morris (2015)

Their secrets sit on a pedestal.

The Brief Return of Dr. Slump - "Nitro-chan's Birthday" by Takao Koyama, Katsuyoshi Nakatsuru, Akira Toriyama (1994)

Just... not into what happens later in these stories.

"they said she did it to herself" by Meg Johnson (2024)

You'll drive yourself mad with the question.

Dr. Slump - Volumes 1-7 by Akira Toriyama, Kazuhiko Torishima, Hisashi Tanaka (1980-1982)

I have been absolutely blown away by Toriyama's work in this first breakout hit, but also his impact on the world of pop culture and entertainment in general. I knew Dragonball was a big deal, and maybe Dragon Quest, but I just didn't realize how great his early comedic work could be. Anyone who grew up on cynical cartoon comedies like The Simpsons and Animaniacs, in which the adults are all idiots and comedy fodder, this is just your game.

Star Trek 25th Anniversary dev. Konami (1991)

A very strong showing from Konami in this handheld. Their clever use of shapes for different game modes is impressive.

The Fall Guy dir. David Leitch (2024)

Sorry to be such a guy about it, but it's the rare romcom that works for me because it's also an action movie.

Tarot dir. Spenser Cohen & Anna Halberg (2024)

It'll find ya.

Mars Express dir. Jérémie Périn (2024)

I mean, you can tame the bear, but it's still a bear.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes dir. Wes Ball (2024)

Just something... too similar to before. And I don't need to know humans are gonna make it.

Abigail dir. Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett (2024)

You can trust a vampire ballerina.

I Saw The TV Glow dir. Jane Schoenbrun (2024)

It hit me as a TV watcher of the 90s, but it looks like it hits even harder when you throw gender puzzlement into the mix.

Castle in the Sky dir. Hayao Miyazaki (1986)

I'm shocked I never watched this. It's a genuinely gorgeous story and we're well into Miyazaki's ecology disaster themes by this point.

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga dir. George Miller (2024)

I've had some things to say. I don't know if I'll get as obsessed over it as I did with Fury Road, but I've seen it plenty and I'm gonna keep going back for more.

The Dead Don't Hurt dir. Viggo Mortensen (2024)

A quiet, smaller Western, but it clicked with me. Perhaps the notion of finding the end of the world.

In a Violent Nature dir. Chris Nash (2024)

So weird! And it seems to want to appease the body count viewers, but then it goes off into a much more contemplative direction. Asking, what are we doing here?

Dr. Slump - "Arale is Born!!" (1997)

Nope. I could not with the spiky-haired 90s redesigns for everyone. Early 80s Toriyama designs had more charm to them.

Tales of the Empire (2024)

Some deeper pulls for this anthology series, but since I've caught up on everything I was glad to see what these people were up to.

Dr. Slump - Season 1 (1981-1982)

That's the stuff. Cute as hell and with that sense of humor I've never shaken off. Pink poops make my day.

Star Trek: Discovery - Season 5 (2024)

The season is kind of a roller coaster as some episodes bow to the budget, but the sendoff was good.

[ao3feed-danganronpa]

Inconvenient Attachment

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/OASKUt0

by the_splidinky

Hajime's goals are pretty straightforward: raise his GPA, complete his degree in finance as quickly and painlessly as possible... and get all these people to leave him alone. Nothing goes his way.

Words: 3406, Chapters: 2/?, Language: English

Series: Part 1 of you better get away (let them in)

Fandoms: Dangan Ronpa Series, Super Dangan Ronpa 2

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi

Characters: Hinata Hajime, Soda Kazuichi, Mioda Ibuki, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko, Pekoyama Peko, Sonia Nevermind, Tanaka Gundham, Nanami Chiaki, Chou Koukou Kyuu no Sagishi | Ultimate Imposter

Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Mioda Ibuki & Soda Kazuichi, Hinata Hajime & Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko, Hinata Hajime & Nanami Chiaki, Chou Koukou Kyuu no Sagishi | Ultimate Imposter & Hinata Hajime, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Mioda Ibuki/Tsumiki Mikan, Sonia Nevermind/Tanaka Gundham, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Pekoyama Peko, Hinata Hajime & Saihara Shuichi

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - College/University, Roommates, Analyst Hinata Hajime, Komaeda Nagito's Luck Cycle, Canon-typical swearing, komaeda a freak fr, bitches be callin me the poop waiter cause i be serving mad shit

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/OASKUt0

[mint-moon25]

MY - REGISTERED - USA - BIRTHDAY - LIKE - 'CINDERELLA' -

ENGLISH - ACTRESS - 05 APRIL - ANTHONY - KOREAN - OF -

ASIAN-MART - HIS - BRO - DECIDES - WHO - WORKS THERE -

ANTHONY - VERY - TALL - 6'3 FT - NOW - MORNINGS - FAT -

UGLY - SPANISH - SPEAKING - LONG - HAIR - REALLY - FAT -

HEADS - NIGHT - UNTIL - 9P EDT - NOW - DIDN'T - BUY -

ANYTHING - FR - HER - LOST - MY - APETITE - WHEN U -

NEED - POOP - 4 - YOUR - FAMILY - DOCTOR - 2 - PUT -

IN - PAPER - USING - THEIR - USA - CHOPSTICK - JUST -

A - LITTLE - FR - JUST - HEAD - 2 - LITTLE - HAVANA's -

ASIAN-MART - THE - ( - ) - MAKES - THEM - KOREANS -

LIKE - NAIL - SALONS - OLDER - BRO - OWNS - THIS -

STORE - UNEVEN - FLOORS - QUITE - TECHNICALLY -

ILLEGAL - MORE - EXPENSIVE - THAN - PUBLIX - ITS -

SAD - NEXT - DAY - POOP - COMES - IN - MORNING -

PRODUCT - OF - USA

ASSI - BEEF - DUMPLINGS

ESTIMATING - 7 MIN - MAYBE 6.5 MIN - MICROWAVE -

THAT's - BAR - $0.50 - U - GET - FREE - CHOPSTICKS -

DIDN'T - WANT - 2 - GIVE - $0.75 - NON-MICROWAVE -

ABLE - MEDIUM - TUB - BECAUSE - PHILIPPINES -

USES - THEIR - HANDS - USE - IT - GET - FOOD FR -

BAG - OPEN - BAG - IN - MICROWAVE - TOLD HIM -

THOUGHT - IT - WAS - ANTHONY - BUT - SHORTER -

HAIR - WHO - HAS - PERM - ON - HEAD - BUT - AS -

PARTIALLY - BLIND - HE - BECAME - SHORTER -

THEN - I - TOLD - DUDE - THAT - I - DON'T NEED -

TUB - 4 - MICROWAVE - I - PUT - WHAT - I - YES -

HEATED - THEN - TRANSFER - THERE - THEN - I -

PUT - SOY - SAUCE - AND - MARUKAN - ORGANIC -

APPLE - CIDER - VINEGAR - $7.99 - REFRIGERATE -

NOT - NEEDED - (BROUGHT - GARLIC SALT 0 CAL) -

NEVER - GOING - BACK - THERE - ANYMORE FOR -

I'M - NOT - RENEWING - PLANET - FITNESS SINCE -

I - STARTED - LAST - YEAR - ON - MAY - 2022 - YES -

GOING - BACK - 2 - WHERE - I - WAS - SLEEPING -

SW 7 AVE - AND - SW 8 ST - 2 MALE - CATS - AS 1 -

RETURNED - TWICE - SAW - 12:04A - 12:40A EDT -

2A - YELLOWISH - CAT - 2:23A - SAW - BOTH AND -

MAYBE - SOMEONE - ADOPTED - LITTLE - MALE -

KITTEN - WHO - I - MET - FIRST - SLEPT - IN - YES -

FRONT - TOP - OF - MY - CALVIN KLEIN - DUFFLE -

BAG - WITH - WHEELS - BUT - AFTER - NEEDED 2 -

POOP - OR - NO 1 - SLEPT - ON - GRASS - NEAR -

ME - WOKE UP - AFTER - HEARING MY WHEELS -

5:35A - HAVEN'T - SEEN - SINCE - SAW - 2 DAYS -

NOT - CONSECUTIVE - MISS - LITTLE - CUTIE -

MEOW - MIX - SMALL - CONTAINERS - SAUCE -

GRAVY - SEAFOOD - SELECTION - THEIR YES -

BEST - DON'T FEED - CATS - HENS - EVER -

CHICKEN - THEY'LL - GRAB - HENS - TRUE -

ON THE - NECK - 2 - HAVE CHICKEN SUSHI -

EVEN - RACHEL RAY - HAS - CHICKEN -

BAD - BAD - BAD

YES - ON - BEEF - FROM - CATTLE

THEY - WOULDN'T - DARE - EAT XO

EVEN - 1 CATTLE - ALIVE & - MEAN

TRIP.com - SHERATON WAIKIKI - OUTSTANDING

SHOPS - BELOW - AND - NEAR - HONOLULU's

WAIKIKI - SHOPPING - PLAZA - TANAKA - OF

TOKYO - THEIR - BEST - 3 CHOICES - SO - I'M

GOING - SHERATON - NO - FREE BREAKFAST

SINCE - WALT DISNEY WORLD - NEW ILLEGAL

POLICY - EVERY - 24 HRS - INSPECTING YOUR

ROOM - WHILE - SLEEPING - SHOWERING - AS

THEY - BANG - ON - YOUR - DOOR - KEEP THE

BATHROOMS - OPEN - AS - U - SHOWER - FOR

BIBLE - 'WEALTH - DESTROYS - A - FOOL' - SO -

DISNEY - CRUISES - INSTEAD - CRUISES - AND -

OAHU - HAWAII - HOTELS - OTHER - US STATES -

HONOLULU - 4.5 % - TAXES - LARGEST - NO OF -

RESIDENTS - OF - HAWAII - AVOID - THE - BIG -

ISLAND - OF - HAWAII - THEY'RE - DEPRESSED -

NOT - QUALIFIED - 4 - TOURISM - AND - DO XO -

GO - 4 - TAHITIAN - DANCE - FR - TAHITI - THE -

HAWAIIAN - DANCE - WHEN - U - WANT - 2 YES -

SLEEP - CHEAP - LUAU's - ALL - U - CAN - EAT -

AND - TAHITIAN - THEY - ASK - U 2 - NET YES -

LOTS - OF - SMALL - BEAUTIFUL - FISHES - 2 -

MURDER - THEM - WHEN - BUFFET - ALREADY -

HAS - MEATS - BEEF - SUSHI - FISH AND MORE -

BAD - LUAU's - YOU - ARE - ASKED - 2 - MURDER -

SMALL - BEAUTIFUL - FISHES - OR - TOLD - DO -

NOT - EAT - JUST - LEAVE - AND - GET - A - YES -

LYFT - NOT - UBER - OR - WALK - 2 - HOTEL - AT -

CONCIERGE - ASK - 4 - MONEY - BACK - WELL -

MY - AGE 59 - BIRTHDAY - CELEBRATING - YES -

IN - HAWAII - OAHU - INSTEAD - LEARNING - TO -

SCUBA - DIVE - AGAIN - AND - BASIC - SURFING

[jgreaxcfdszx]

What the Haikyuu characters smell like(in my opinion)

fluff, I kinda made it their high school age

~426 words~

masterlist

Tsukishima- something minty, he probably chews gum obnoxiously to get on people’s nerves. He reminds me of Orbit gum

Tanaka- an old spice deodorant that he found in the locker room. Swears by it

Yachi- a summery bath and body works perfume. She watched too many of those videos talking about how “you need a signature scent” so she went out and bought something like Beautiful Day. Also she sprays a bit too much that sometimes it’s genuinely painful to be around her.

Bokuto- the hand sanitizer that’s in the bathrooms. He always uses it in the morning, but always gets way too much that he ends up smelling like it for the rest of the day. Once, Akaashi replaced it with a different smell because he just got so repulsed by it. Ko talked about the change all day, eventually making the boy change it back.

Lev- he also watched those “signature scent” videos but he got banana scented things. Like, you know those banana candies that come in a dispenser at dollar tree? Idk how to explain it but it’s just a very artificial banana scent.

Sugawara- fire but only because I’m scared of fire and I’m a little bit scared of suga BUT it’s only because- actually I don’t have a reason, he’s just scary

Fukunaga- waffles with whipped cream and maple syrup. Occasionally cheetos as well.

Asahi- head and shoulders shampoo, but it fits him really well. You can always tell when he washes his hair (also he washes at night because he’s scared of not having enough time in the morning to wash himself properly.)

Kuroo- books. Plastic books. You know the kind of smelly books? Yeah he smells like those books. The smelly library books. Please don’t get mad at me for that

Yaku- hear me out when I say lemon. I think he would be terrified of spiders and found out that spiders hate lemon (via a percabeth meme) and now it’s all he uses.

Daichi- old spice. It was his that Tanaka found in the locker. His sus(🙄)piscions were confirmed when he saw his pit hairs on the stick as Ryu waved it around.

Noya- sweat. pure sweat. He thinks it smells good, but it really doesn’t. When he doesn’t smell like sweat he smells like a tree.

Kiyoko- flowers. Don’t tell anyone but ever since she was young she would rub flowers on her wrists and it kind of just stuck with her. Tanaka once saw her doing it and now he does it with his hairy deodorant (couple goals)

[artistoons-blog-thing]

Ice cream part 2!

[gg-is-a-loser]

haikyuu characters as things my friends and i have said

“I am going, goodbye, do NOT eat lotion” -Sugawara

(Over text) Noya: peee faster  Tanaka: l o o k  man i had  c h e e s  e  Noya: POOP FASTER Noya: SPEEDRUN

[is-gundham-mysterious-today]

September 15th, 2018

In celebration of ~130 followers, the mysterious Gundham Tanaka brings you some suggestions for people that want to make their own is-x-y-today blogs!

is-korekiyo-a-snake-today

is-kaede-amazing-today

is-kirumi-perfect-today

is-makoto-hopeful-today

is-chiaki-gaming-today

is-akane-hungry-today

is-ibuki-fantastic-today

is-usami-adorable-today

is-nagitos-hair-fluffy-today

is-ouma-naughty-today

is-sonia-going-to-step-on-me-today

Don’t be afraid to use these for you is-x-y-today blogging needs!

[white-poppie]

Volleyball Papas

Haikyuu boys as dads

HAIKYU!! (ハイキュー!!) 

The moral-story

The kind of dads that try to be as positive as possible for their kids. They got hurt? Everything happens for a reason, sweetheart. They are always trying to teach their kids something or another, be it life skills or academic skills. They are patient with answering their kid's curiosities and repeat them as much as they want, they don't need your help in teaching the kids.

Kid: "Daddy, where do kids come from?" Them: "Go ask (parent)"

Okay, maybe there are a few exceptions.

Akaashi, Kuroo, Sugawara, Yaku, Daichi, Kita, Yamaguchi, Iwaizumi

The Sugar-daddy

The kind of dads who would spoil their kids rotten. Everything is served to the kid on a silver spoon, after all, why not? Their dad is filthy rich. Weekends are the only days they are truly free, so those days are reserved for you and their kids, he has two babies to take care of after all.

Them: "Uhu, don't cry love, I'll get you a real cat instead of the plushie." You: "Babe they are two years old!"

Kuroo, Kenma, Hinata, Kageyama, Atsumu, Bokuto, Iwaizumi

The big and chunky

The big, beefy, overprotective dads. They tower over people easily, carrying their kid in one hand and helping the old lady with another. The kind of dads who are stuck to their kids like glue. Sometimes you have to pry them off so that you can spend time with the kid too.

Them: Uhh..sorry I have a kid and a s/o, I am not interested You and Baby: ehehe *maniacal chuckle*

Osamu, Daichi, Ushijima, Iwaizumi, Bokuto, Aone, Suna, Kita, Semi, Asahi, Aran

The clueless dads

You know the kind of people who don't pay attention in science class and have no idea as to how to take care of an infant? Yep, that's them.

If you on into labour and are in pain, these mfs go "but it can't hurt as and as being kicked in the balls.' stfu boy.

Overall it takes quite some time to understand the whole 'being a dad' thing, but they only mean good.

You: "You brought pads instead of diapers..." Them: "What's the difference?"

Lev, Tanaka, Nishinoya, Atsumu, Terushima, Oikawa, Kyotani, Asahi (he is trying is best uhuhu), Tendou

The cool dads

Listen, they are like any other dads when the kid is small, once the kid becomes a teen, they become the cool dad. The best wingman, hype-machine, barbeque-maker!

They are cool, but they don't miss a chance to embarrass you.

Them: "And remember that one time you pooped in your pants at school and thought you had stinky mud on your shorts?" *sniff* Kid: "Dad...why are you including this in my wedding speech?"

Tanaka, Nishinoya, Atsumu, Terushima, Tendou

The baby-language experts

They think they understand what the baby is saying when they are an infant. You will see them having a full-on conversation with the child when they can only babble. (spoiler: They do not know how to talk in baby language and end up offending the baby instead.)

Baby: "ADADABAH!" (Translation: Dad you are stupid)

Them: "Mhm, Gugu-gaga!" (Translation: ...eat lady gaga?!)

Baby: *Gasp*"JABAHABAH!" (Translation: (Parent!) daddy is acting weird! )

Them: "MEEBAHAHA" (Translation: Chimpanzees dance on Hippopotamus)

Baby: *screech*

Bokuto, Hinata, Yamaguchi, Sugawara, Lev, Aran

ADADADADA (Translation: Don't forget to like reblog if you find it nice.)

Tags:  @rintaroubby @nanaseishiro, @akumicchi, @oikawatoorupdf @dislownini @idowritingandstuff, @bakaface @denkis111, @jazzylove,@maybeleftoverjourneys, @lordmypantsaresocool, @futuristicallykawaiiturtle, @kristaline2dmensimp

[elysianslove]

haikyuu boys that ━━

━━ would absolutely, definitely, 100% get nauseous, dizzy, possibly might faint, while their s/o is in labor. one peak and they’re doubling over the hospital bed, inhaling deeply and exhaling sharply, steeling themselves. some are surprising, some are expected. all are stupid.

iwaizumi hajime; he just cannot. he cannot fathom what is happening. there is no way you’re going through that and surviving. no wonder you’re screaming in pain. of course you’re screaming in pain. he takes one look at what’s going on and just immediately takes a step back, eyebrows raised and hand pressed to his chest like “my god.” he’s an 8/10 though because he is incredibly supportive and those arms are great to grab onto. will not complain for a second (is strangely way too quiet), but he’s worryingly pale. maybe he’s quiet cause if he speaks he’ll throw up. 

miya atsumu; he’s this close to screaming. or crying. possibly both. he can’t tell if he’s scared in general or scared for you or if he’s hurting seeing you hurting. in fact, no one can tell. he just looks like he’s watching an alien abduction happen right before his eyes. like a 6/10 because he probably does actually faint. it’s almost as if he’s the one in labor. and he’s the annoying kind of supportive that makes you want to smack him like shut the fuck up i’m pushing a whole child out of me right now. but his reactions are extremely endearing and hilarious to watch back because he most definitely insisted on filming. 

akaashi keiji; the silent struggler. really doesn’t wanna make it obvious at all. like he really, really, really doesn’t want you knowing that he’s uncomfortable in any way, but he’s like, sweating from how nauseous he is. a big part of it is hating seeing you in pain; he cringes every time you so much as groan or pant. 7/10 because he’s incredibly supportive but his hands are way too clammy :/ like fr get a grip keiji. again, supportive, but his voice is shaky so it’s like, really ineffective. he cries when he sees his baby and it automatically makes him an 11/10.

sakusa kiyoomi; absolute coward. pussy. it’s not about hygiene, he’s just genuinely mortified. keeps asking you’re okay like,,, what do you think, sir? he keeps looking even though every time he does it doesn’t get any better? question mark? you can see him visibly gulping cause he’s in so much shock. like a 5/10 because he forgets to hold your hand. just stands there. eyes wide and mouth parted like a dumb fish. chokes back on his sobs when he hears his baby’s cries and it’s adorable how he brings his hand up to silence himself so maybe he’s a 7/10.

goshiki tsutomu; please he probably has a panic attack mid labor. definitely screams with you and all the nurses and the doctor are like ???? holds your hand tighter than you’re holding his. apologizes the whole time. the whole time. like the doctor asked him if he wants to see what’s happening, which idk why they would consider that a smart idea, and he just wailed like, “baby i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry, can we just adopt?” a 3/10. he’s so cute but. bring someone else if you don’t want to rip your hair out and his. 

kageyama tobio; he absolutely tries to pretend that he’s okay but he just gets really, really quiet once you start delivering and his lips are chapped and his pupils are blown and his face is so pale. he looks like he just got off of a really bad rollercoaster. he’s not even holding your hand you’re just hanging onto an unmoving, lifeless limb. maybe 6/10, cause he could be better in the supportive department but, at least he was quietly panicking. he does have a mini panic attack once his baby is in his arms though. like just starts hyperventilating. it’s okay though! it’s actually kind of cute <3

lev haiba; actually faints. not probably. he actually faints. like all 6′5 of him just drops onto the floor by your bed and you’re like ,,, damn, guess i’m doing this alone then. he wakes up and the first thing he sees is your baby crowning and he just faints again pls. someone has to be there with you, just like to help him to you. he cannot stand straight at all, he’s leaning on the bed the whole time. 5/10 because it genuinely makes you laugh it kind of makes the pain bearable. they have to get a chair in case he just falls back cause he’s just so dizzy pls.

━━ would be so fucking annoying. who the hell let them in this room? why did you agree to this? how are you going to raise a child with them? regrets. so many regrets. 

tanaka ryūnosuke; he’s like annoyingly scared. shut up and calm down for a minute i’m trying to birth your child here. swears so much like “holy shit holy shit that’s a big baby.” like pls you’re trying to push it out of you and he has the audacity to say shit like that? treats it like it’s some sort of volleyball match like he cheers whenever the doctor praises you. maybe a 5/10 cause he’s just annoying, but it’s motivating in a way. accepts any insult you throw at him too, like he’s so on board with it. “yes, i’m absolutely a piece of shit— what do you mean you’re not getting anywhere near my dick babe wait.”

bokuto kōtarō; listen :( you don’t want to think he’s annoying but he lowkey is. he’s trying his hardest to make this an easier experience for you but you just need him to be a little quieter. like this hurts bo, calm down please. you want to match his energy but it’s literally physically impossible. he’s an 8/10 though because you doubt it’d have been possible to go through it without him. bokuto’s incredibly ripped too so he lets you hang onto him and he holds you tightly too, like grips your hands and legs so strong that it’s v physically supportive too. 

kozume kenma; he’s so. quiet. like say something kozume. say anything. he’s just wincing and cringing. 4/10 cause where’s the emotion. lets you hold his hand, like wow you should be honored. insults you back if you insult him???? like what’s that about???? when he sees his baby he does like, sharply intake a breath or whatever cause he doesn’t want to cry but he’s really struggling not to, which is kind of cute you guess. films the whole thing and does like a peace sign with a very nonchalant face but he has a filter on and the filter scans your face too except you’re like screaming. actually a 3/10. 

sugawara kōshi; he’s incredibly supportive yes, but mans will be laughing at you. laughing. at you. probably films you and is like properly giggling and laughing boisterously. is so unfazed by anything and everything he sees. he would so easily be a 10/10 but he becomes a -1/10 just cause he’s an ass. definitely like is breathless and is so mind-blown when he sees his baby. just in awe and in shock that he laughs like, “we made that holy crap.” good to have in the delivery room because he does make the atmosphere easier and more lighthearted, but,,, at what cost? your sanity’s. 

suna rintarō; the amount of times you wanted to punch him you cannot count on your ten fingers. makes some sex joke about how you’re so stretched out. you literally want to deck him. films the birthing process and makes you watch the video when you’re not even done delivering the baby? cause he’s insane i guess? justifies it as “this is a reminder of how strong you are,” like shut up with your bullshit. it’s kinda smart tho cause you can pull this on your kid later but still. he’s so fucking annoying. if you hold his hand too hard he’ll be like “it can’t be that bad stop being such a baby,” and the baby is delivered like an hour early out of spite. a 6/10 tho cause somehow you love him and decided to have a baby with him. 

ushijima wakatoshi; pt.2 to say fucking something??? he’s mostly quiet cause he doesn’t really know what to say, and cause he’s never seen you in this much pain and it’s kind of shocking him. he’s not scared though, cause it’s like, a natural process of human life and the life cycle and all that stuff, he’s just like. taking time to process it. lets you hold his hand though. also if you wanna like give up halfway through he’s annoyingly angry with you like “no. you can’t just give up halfway. stop being a coward.” like why don’t you give it a try toshi??? a 5/10. could do better. 

terushima yuuji; so hyperactive that it’s infuriating. doesn’t even hold your hand, he just stands back and observes and like cheers. literally will jump every time you push, like what the fuck, my love? makes really weird comments like “what does it feel like? does it feel like you’re pooping?” like???? it feels like i’m being torn in half yu :D a 4/10 only cause when you ask if you can slap him he wholeheartedly agrees and the doctor cannot hold their laugh back. also definitely plays like the chika dance and makes the nurses do it with him. probably films a tiktok too. you’re going to kill him after. 

oikawa tōru; he’s trying so hard to be supportive and your backbone but he’s just so jittery and nervous. he’s not going to faint or get nauseous, but he literally cannot stay still. he’s so anxious it’s making you anxious. his hands are shaking when they grip yours, but honestly, completely unbiased of course, an 8/10, cause it really is so endearing. like he’s breathlessly and exasperatingly praising you and you can tell he’s near tears just gasping back sobs so ,,, maybe he’s not that annoying. but he is. he is annoying. a little. 

━━ would be the best of the best. perfectly supportive. a lovely anchor. not too quiet, not too chatty. is so soft and gentle with you. you fall in love with them all over again. 

miya osamu; definitely a 10/10. husband material. he has a cloth that’s just patting away at your sweat. kisses your hand and knuckles. soothingly rubs at your thighs. tells you you’re doing great, that it’ll all be worth it. kisses your forehead. grins at you halfway through when you need that extra motivation. literally all the nurses and the doctor are swooning over him. he’s very nervous deep down but he won’t show it, not for a moment, for your sake. 10/10. can’t stress this enough. 

kita shinsuke; another king! so soft with you when you feel like giving up. just speaks to you in hushed tones like, “you’ve come this far, lovely. you can’t back out now. think of all the happy moments we’ll get to share just a few hours from now.” and you’re like “alright i’m sold.” completely unfazed by anything he sees. okay maybe a little fazed but he just kisses your forehead after sneaking a peak and tells you you’re doing wonderfully. 100000/10. imagine him as the father of your children???? like literally who else would you want????

aran ojiro; wow another inarizaki i sense a trend. except atsumu he’s a pussy. cheers you on quietly, holds onto your legs, breathes with you, smooths your hair back, literally just an angel. if you take a small break he just spends it quietly talking with you to get your mind off the pain. his knuckles are just caressing your jaw and cheek softly till you’ve calmed down. 10/10 obviously. he’s just the right amount of loud supportive and quiet supportive. kisses you full on the mouth when he first hears his baby’s cries and can’t stop thanking you. literally wtf he’s so cute.

kuroo tetsurō; he’s actually surprisingly very serious when you’re delivering the baby. he’s cracking jokes and all before to try and get you less nervous but it’s actually because he’s freaking out. he’s mostly quiet, just holding onto your hand as tightly as you’re gripping his. he holds his breath every time you push. keeps whispering i love you and pressing kisses to your temple. a 9/10 cause he’s so quiet it’s a little scary but he cannot hold back his tears when he sees his baby. kisses you all over your face after. 

satori tendō; very emotional. like so emotional. he’s teary eyed the whole time, just thanking you even if you hadn’t given birth yet. it makes the nurses cry too cause it’s so lovely to see him get so visibly affected by this. he’s just whispering thank you’s and i promise not to let you down ever and i promise to love you forever and you’re pretty sure he’s speaking to the baby you’re birthing at this point. 9/10 cause he made you cry :( no but really he’s a 10/10. super loving, keeps asking you if you’re okay, if you need water, need to hold his hand, anything. angel, fr. 

matsukawa issei; relatively surprising as well because you expected him to be more than just annoying, but he’s just. in awe. he’s so amazed by how much you’re going through, and he just stores it in the back of his brain. literally thanks you for the next 50 years to come. laughs endearingly with you to lighten the mood. 9/10. a point is deducted because he jokingly said that now you’ll be able to take his dick really easily. a nurse choked in shock pls. gets real close after to whisper i love you so that only you can hear. he’s just a dream <3

━━ would not let you move an inch after giving birth. all the work is on them for the next 5 years. 

all of them. not a single one is left out in this one. they’re annoying but ,,, they all love very strongly <3

end note; listen idk what this is. i had a vision where iwaizumi could not handle his s/o giving birth and the thought was actually so sweet to me, just the nurses laughing at him and he’s just breathing deeply to try and not throw up and then. this happened. anyways. this helped put me in a better mood so i hope it does/did for anyone else too! 

[ozetia]

I’m back!!! Today I’m giving you haikyuu men icks because no matter how old they are they’re still men.

He’ll make a bowl of cereal before walking upstairs to the bathroom leaving the door wide open. Sitting on the toilet he eats his cereal crunching every 2 minutes, staring into your soul daring you to judge him.

- Kuroo, Tendo, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi.

Scratches and sniffs whilst laying next to you in bed. He insists that it’s too make sure that he’s all healthy and no different to you laying a hand on your boob, but it’s still disgusting.

- Daichi, Lev, Osamu, Oikawa.

Doesn’t shower until it’s absolutely necessary too, he claims that as there’s no need to impress anyone he doesn’t have to shower. This means no head pats because his hair is greasy af.

- Tanaka, Semi, Matsukawa, Yamamoto

He’ll peel the skin from old scabs and dead skin and will proceed to chew it. He decides to fill you in with the details of how long the skin took to break in his mouth. Also picks his toe nails and chews on it.

- Ushijima, Konoha, Atsumu, Iwaizumi.

Takes pictures of his poop and sends it to the family and friend group chat, has become a winner in said group chat for how big his shit is. He has a traditional poop comparison every Friday.

- Bokuto, Hinata, Daishō, Fukunaga.

They’re too perfect and don’t have icks because I said so

- Akaashi, Kita and Yuku.

[yamagucji]

Embarrassing moments

warnings. just for shits n giggles, 14+ readers preferably, mentions of vomit, poop, choking, etc.

HINATA was extremely constipated and needed to use the bathroom quick. but there’s a long line to the mens bathroom (what’s the occasion anyway??) and he’s standing all the way at the back. poor hinata felt a fart coming so he just couldn’t... hold it in. mans SHARTED. shitted and farted at the same time. it stunk so bad that the guys in front of him said, “damn, you need the toilet more than me,” and let him cut in line.

USHIJIMA and tendou stopped to pet this dog during their walk. tendou’s conversing with the owner while toshi’s petting the dog. dog likes it, it’s all good. until... it got bored and decided that toshi’s butt smelled good. dog just wouldn’t stop sniffing his ass. “please, stop smelling me,” toshi says with desperation, which now catches the others’ attention. the owner has to pry their dog away from toshi’s ass cheeks, please. the awkward tension kinda dies down until tendou utters, “so, what’s your secret? what product are you using?”

YAMAGUCHI drank water in the middle of silent class reading. this boy started choking— and i mean choking on his water. you can hear his muffled coughs in the distance and when you turn around to look at him, his face is all red and his cheeks are puffy. none of his classmates say anything but you can practically feel second-hand embarrassment oozing around. the assistant teacher even has the audacity to say, “drink some water.”

KENMA’s calling this one his last try. he sticks his remaining coins into the slot and tries to get the brand new nintendo box thats in the machine. mf has been going at this for over twenty minutes now. his pouch is empty and there’s a crowd of kids waiting for him. no miracle happens in his last try (shit got stuck!!) so he has to move away only to watch in horror— as the kid after him manages to get it. you’re gonna have to hold kenma down before he hunts that kid with every bit of his soul.

DAICHI had a fat one coming in, that’s for sure. thought it was a free real estate just because everyone else in the camp seemed asleep. so he let that monster fart come out (even partly stuck out his thigh for better airway). whole team was awake in a matter of seconds. nishinoya’s jumped off his sleeping bag and asking everyone if they heard that “loud bang.” tanaka’s over here sniffing around because he knows that no one has got some kind of bomb that stinks.

SAKUSA’s not gonna admit to this one. but one time he opened a bathroom stall (it was unlocked) only to find that it was occupied. there are no words to accurately describe just how horried the sight was. sitting on the toilet was a man taking a shit, with his dick on full boner mode, staring back at sakusa. they only made eye contact for just 2 seconds but sakusa’s seen enough. he’s heard enough too, when said stranger asked him, “you wanna join me?”

ASAHI projectile vomited at the theaters. you should’ve known it was a bad idea to take him out to dinner before going to watch a scary movie. man had no courage to tell you he had an upset stomach nor tell you he’s not a fan of horror. it’s twenty minutes into the movie and he’s poking your arm— but you don’t notice because you’re too engrossed. another twenty minutes, and a jumpscare comes on. man beside you vomits like there’s no tomorrow. ya’ll spend the rest of the movie secretly trying to clean his throw-up.

TENDOU was watching anime in his dorm peacefully. until... the whole shiratorizawa team opened the door just in time for the show to switch up to an inappropriate scene. out of all the times they could’ve walked in, they really had to come when 2d clown man was moaning and fighting a kid? tendou scrambled to close his laptop but now he’s just staring back at his teammates; silent, except for the fact that his show is still playing and you can still hearing moaning in the background.

TSUKISHIMA turned his house upside down and still couldn’t find his glasses, nor his extra pair. he was about to leave bare eyed until his mom caught him and forced him to wear his sports glasses. yeah, the one with the whole strap and everything. mans looked like a fool coming to school with it on. people who didn’t know it was his sports glasses mistook it for swimming goggles. he’s so utterly humiliated now, he can’t even bite back when hinata or kageyama says something.

GOSHIKI... i don’t even know what to tell you. who let this kid go further into the lake by himself? it’s all fun and games for everyone until you hear an ear-defeaning shriek by your one and only goshiki. he’s yelling out, “help me! please! help!!” the lifeguards start kicking in and everyone’s trying to make way. is he drowning? is there something there? no for god’s sake. you find out he just made it 5 ft deep and happened to swim over a bunch of seaweed. never take him swimming again.

ATSUMU decided to check himself out using someone’s car window. he’s fixing his hair, picking at his teeth, and even checking to see if he has any boogers. all of a sudden the window rolls down and there’s a senior citizen staring back at him. “boy do you think my car is your mirror?” the man says in a gruffy voice. atsumu’s knees nearly buckle from how scary this man is and how embarrassed he is of all the four minutes he probably spent with this stranger.

SACHIRO’s job as a vet sometimes makes him do really questionable shit (from an outsider perspective). once he had to ejaculate someone’s dog in front of their owner. uh huh... jack them off, for the sole purpose of examining the dog’s semen. he’s never felt such a wave of regret wash through his body during that whole procedure. it didn’t help when the owner was looking at him mortified, nor the fact that it took such a long time.

OIKAWA does this thing were he shows up unexpectedly behind iwaizumi and slaps his ass. everytime he does it iwa always hits him back (but not the ass). today he learnt his lesson when he mistook a stranger for iwa and slapped the guys ass from the moon and back. when i tell you just how quick all the blood drained from oikawa’s body when the man turned around— you can hear a bag of chips fall at the other end of the aisle and it’s the iwa, who had to witness that whole ass-slap event.

ARAN is gonna knock the shit of the miya twins one day, he swears to god. they sent him a mysterious video during his morning walk, where he stopped at a busy street. it starts off quiet, so he goes to turn the volume up full blast. damn video suddenly started blaring ‘lick my pussy and my-’ please... he’s shaking. passerby’s are looking at him with distaste. aran’s now flushed from embarrassment and running towards the miya house. you can guess what happens next.

BOKUTO walked into the wrong house. spent a whole ten minutes rummaging around the kitchen because his friend said to “make yourself comfortable, i’ll be on my way.” little did this man know that there’s a whole family upstairs waiting for the cops to arrive because they think it’s a robbery. poor bokuto, dragged out of the house by some cops but had no idea what was going on. man was literally just vibing— thinking he was in his friends house.

OSAMU swore this size pants still fit him (hint: it doesn’t). he’s walking through the snack section of the store, lightly limping because damn his dick can’t breath. his truth is tested when he goes to pick something off the lowest shelf and his pants literally go, ‘let er rip.’ fabric tore, and what’s worse is that he was wearing onigiri undies. osamu goes to check if there’s anyone else in the aisle and there is— a group of underclassmen girls from his high school.

KUROO tried to make his chemistry presentation more interesting by putting in jokes. he thought they were funny; kenma even huffed a breath. kuroo’s at his third joke by now and literally no one has laughed. not a single one. except for kuroo himself, who’s awkwardly laughing in a dead-silent room. man was embarrassed. other people are getting second-hand embarrassment by the way they avoided eye contact with him. he vented to kenma later only for kenma to say, “it wasn’t funny. it was just stupid.” poor kuroo.

SUNA accidentally connected his bluetooth to the bus. you know, the one that drives all of inarizaki to their games. wanna guess what the fuck he might’ve been listening to? it’s porn. he’s watching porn in broad daylight. suna doesn’t realize what the issue is until he goes to turn up the volume and notices that the sound is off. he take his airpods off and that’s when he hears pure moaning sounds blaring inside the bus. everyone’s laughing— except for kita and their coach who’s still outside. mf calls himself lucky for that.

[senkovi]

Do you have indoor plumbing?

[ID: four gifs from dimension 20′s misfits and magic.

danielle radford as sam black asks, “where do you poop?” to which aabria iyengar as headmistress boudicca philtrum answers, “oh, you just magic it away, anywhere you want.” erika ishii as karen tanaka reacts, saying “oh fuck!” and lou wilson as whitney jammer says, “hey, i wanna go home. i wanna go home. i’m not gonna magic away my business, alright?”

[hyogonokitsune]

haikyuu boys as things my fwb has said to me, part 2

atsumu

I may or may not have slightly edited my tinder photos to make my ass look fatter

I hate having manners

I’m gonna kill myself I just found a tick in doomah. doomah? do mah nuts fit in your mouth 😎

is it weird for me to be obsessed with how big all my friends’ dicks are? whatever

oh, I’m kinda surprised you didn’t smack my ass just now. did you want me to? yeah 😔

oikawa

I just... really wanna get pegged

why didn’t you tell me my lips were so chapped?? I look disgusting

happy pride month, my bisexual queen. although I think you should be wishing me a happy pride, because I’ve recently developed crushes on some UFC fighters and it’s making me question some things

I hear that cum is a good skin soother

I’m only obsessed with select men’s penises

kuroo

only bad bitches have IUDs 😤

look at how small my dick is when it’s soft. just a teeny lil winkie

your coochie is immaculate

a clown must always ride around in his or her clown car, metaphorically, physically, and emotionally

I almost got into an accident the other day. I was, uhh, playing chess on my phone on the highway

I vacillate between a lovable moron and a hyper intelligent troll

suna

*shares positive feedback I got from a professor* that means he wants to stuff you

my friend paid me $50 to do shrooms with him, so that’s why I’m tripping at the gym right now

I’ll pay for us to go mini golfing, and then I’ll take you out for dinner but I’m just gonna pay for my own meal :)

I might have become like a low key drug dealer. just a little bit

middle parts are 💯

osamu

*sends him a picture of a cake I made* that looks BUSSIN

I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little bitter that all these ticks are crawling on me and none of them are on you

those trees that smell like cum are blooming again

I wanted to kiss you just now, but I have Taki breath

do you think it would be disrespectful to bring some snacks with us on this walk through a cemetery?

do you remember that park we were in last night? apparently they found a body there a few weeks ago. whatever

bokuto

how soon is too soon to piss in front of someone in the woods?

the neck is one of the body’s androgynous zones. you mean erogenous zones? yeah that’s what I said

*gets not one, but two bowling balls stuck in the gutter*

sorry I can’t hug you for too long, I might get a boner and we’re in public

kita

come here, let’s enjoy the transient beauty of nature together

are you feeling touch starved? you want a hug?

I’m sorry you had a bad day queen 😔

he needs some goat milk to straighten him out, show him some discipline

sakusa

this is the most disgusting city on the planet, god bless 🙏🏼

god damn, my skin is absolutely glowing today

you’re my favorite little whore

hinata

what’s your wifi password? uhh, BingusBingus

hey can I give you a penny? just so I can say I’ve paid someone for sex

it’s easier for guys to pee wherever they want, but pooping is the great equalizer

I did not shit in those woods. I shat in some other woods

I’m smarter than the average pill bug

iwaizumi

is it homophobic of me to not let you win at bowling?

you sometimes speak like abe lincoln

do I pick friends based on if they are attractive? sometimes

tanaka

I just farted outside of my friend’s house and sent it to him as an audio clip to antagonize him

I just pissed for 55 seconds, who wants to try and beat my record?

god gave me a dick and balls so I could helicopter them at my nemesis's funeral

I’d let you do literally whatever you wanted to me. that made my balls happy reading that

I don’t get the hot boy attention I deserve from enough women

kenma

you listen to music while you go on walks, I listen to podcasts on bloodborne lore while I go to the gym using my stolen membership, we are not the same

quarantine did irreparable damage to my brain

*sends a picture of him holding a frying pan over his sleeping friend’s head* I’m about to tom & jerry this bitch

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