#take that eating disordered brain!

[thesoundofsnowfallingfromeaves]

honestly having a purpose for which i wanna get fit is such a healthy motivator to work out for me, I am so glad I am doing this hike in summer! Before, even when I tried not to, working out always had the 'i wanna change my body shape' undertone for me, because there wasn't really much else to it? yeah bouldering I mostly just do for fun because its also usually with coworkers and it has a real achievement element to it (climbing progressively harder routes and you get to finish many of them in one session which feels great), but everything else was kinda that, even cycling to work when i did it, which is bonkers, cause its mostly also just transportation. But now I am training for my big adventure and the body stuff is so much less on my mind. Its more like "this will help me climb the big hills in 7 months hell yeah!". I feel like I hacked the system.

[citrine-elephant]

depressed leon, BUT (this is gross btw)

he's a little too sad to remember to eat sometimes, and thus, he's a bit malnourished. not dangerously so, nothing extreme or of imminent concern, but he's not doing so hot health wise.

because of this, his post-plaga cravings get really weird and really ramp up after the malnutrition thing starts to get a little spicy. (that's what you get for only drinking alco- err.... coffee + whatever garbage carbs on the gas station shelf)

you'd think he was pregnant by the way he's craving oddities. if uh, a pregnant person wanted to gobble up roadkill pelican style.

one day he gets this... wild idea. he's embarrassed about it, so he's doing his best to hide it. and the cravings are just too strong to deny his overwhelming curiosity.

the roadkill he's snagged is particularly unpleasant. few days old, rotten and covered in maggots. it fuckin stinks. and stupid plaga-brain is fighting with rational human brain as his fucked brain chemistry can't decide to salivate or throw up.

he's craving meat. he's craving protein. salt. magnesium.... a fat steak isn't enough. greasy ass salty fries ain't doing it either.

carrion beetles, fly larva, ants, everything goes in on the grill, which he's definitely stealing after he's done. (it's a public park and he doesn't want anyone getting sick.)

it's the dead of night. he's made sure he's alone.

the mystery road meat... he can't tell what the smell is now as it cooks but plaga-brain is going crazy. even without a trace of the physical parasite, it's permanently fucked his brain.

he's got sauces with him to cover up the expected terrible taste and... well, he's fucking devouring it. no seasonings, nothing.

at least he cooked it, right?

and... he still uses the sauces. and a different sauce. chocolate sauce. why? why?? why is he enjoying this? it's a nightmare and he's snapping the bones for the fuckin bone marrow now.

the only thing he doesn't eat is the fur.

bonus: there was a bonus rat inside that got stuck when he wrapped up his free meal. like a chocolate cream egg. the rat being the cream.

[uncanny-tranny]

I really wish there was more insight as to why children are "picky eaters" because the way people go about "fixing us" can be detrimental to our relationship with food.

When I was a kid, I was obviously neurodivergent, and I wasn't tested for anything and never received any support. I was a huge "picky eater" to the point that going to a new restaurant with a menu I didn't know would send me into panic mode. I didn't understand why I felt that way, I didn't understand that I wasn't a selfish, horrible kid for being unable to force myself to eat. I'd be the person sitting at the dining room table for hours because I just couldn't force myself to eat the food I was given.

I understand why parents do that. It can be concerning when you think your kid isn't getting the proper nutrition. It's concerning when a kid's pallete is overly shrunk down. But if you're going about it in a punishing way, you only reinforce the idea that food is bad and dangerous. And if a child knows that eating their food would cause them less grief and stress than not eating the food, and yet they still will not or cannot eat, that's a sign. Maybe work with children, try to understand why they're a "picky eater." Chances are they're not doing it because they personally want to spite you and they despise your very aura.

[scooplery]

i've also eaten elk, moose, alligator and ostrich. i like meat lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[gifti3]

Im in such an obey me mood today haha

other than "pls dont tell asmo about that",,,, i have questions about these freaking vegetables (im putting under the cut since im talking about food and bad eating habits/diet related stuff)

im assuming they would have to be mixed with other regular ingredients to prevent the hunger but it sounds like ppl would use them as the main component in a dish or just eat them by themselves

So does all of it get digested? No leftovers (waste) comes out the other end im guessing? is it like a magic type thing?? it has to be right? Cause if not...ur body will take the calories needed to replace the ones burnt, take the nutrients, and the rest will just get tossed out

And since it doesnt make you full, like wouldnt it be way too easy to overeat this type of thing? so you could accidentally end up making urself go to the restroom more often :/

Ig if it gives u the nutrients u need that itll be useful then. So maybe its a 'heres ur macros for the day' type dealo? but u still have to go eat an actual meal or make sure u mix it with other stuff tho

[automaticstarlightcomputer]

bitches be 300 lbs saying "I'm worried if I count any calories I'll get an eating disorder

:("

motherfucker you already goddamn have one

[blueheartedwolf]

I wish I could find a doctor that wants to find out what’s actually wrong with me instead of recommending prescriptions to address the symptoms. I’m so tired of being recommended ibuprofen for debilitating pain. Tired of relaying my medical history to a new doctor and getting the same furrowed brow and shrugging shoulders I get every time. Tired of having so-called medical professionals ask why I need a cane if I’m able to walk down their clinic hallway without it. When will someone fucking help me?

[mosviqu]

proud of myself for keeping up with eating my meals at uni. and eating snacks. and buying groceries. and cooking for myself from time to time. especially when my roommate is the prettiest thinnest girl that doesnt eat proper meals. so proud of myself for not letting that trigger me and make me repeat old patterns

[underwhelmingalchemist]

Starting pride month with the pharmacy denying me my testosterone prescription until mid-June and my doctor saying she can't do anything about it because it's a controlled substance 🙃✌️

[snootyfoxfashion]

Re Re cheating partner situation. (check my other posts if you don’t know the tea)

Finally confronted her this morning. Smashed her phone. Posted everything on her social media. I moved most of my stuff into a storage unit and am staying with a friend until my other friends flat is ready to move into. My heart is broken and I feel like a walking corpse but I just keep reminding myself that I am not homeless, I’m not broke, and despite friendship losses - I still have my friends who have really rallied behind me and come through for me.

We talked for hours just finally being completely honest about everything from both of us. We left things with both of us wanting to get through this as best we can and agreeing to talk more later once we’ve had some space.

There’s a lot more drama to it that I’ll probs get into in another post but right now I’m just so exhausted of talking about it. I haven’t been able to properly eat in a week bc I’ve felt so sick to my stomach and I’ve barely gotten 3 hours sleep a night. Idk what I did to myself or maybe its from crying so fucking much but my chest and throat hurt so much and I can’t swallow or talk or lay down without pain. Swollen glands?? Tonsilitis?? Idk.

I know these aren’t the posts y’all signed up for but putting this into words in the void has been helpful somehow so I’m gonna keep doing it. Maybe I’ll find the time and passion for this blog again now that I have all my time to myself.

[psychomoxxie]

Chronic Pain Makes A Girl Insane

I seldom try to write while in the throes of a serious pain bout, but I'm going to try it today, because maybe it will help to distract me; and maybe it will reach someone out there in cyberspace who needs to read it, and that little bit of connection will help someone get through their shitty day with just a little more grace, and my small corner of the universe will be that much better for it.

Today is a bad one, my little Kumquats. Ehlers Danlos is a strange condition, where you just don't know where or how the pain is going to hit you, or how badly. Today, it's sharp, stabbing pains in my left breast, TMJ pain, which is probably going to bloom into a lovely migraine eventually (as it's been doing all week), pain in my uterus that feels like menstrual cramps but aren't, and joint/bone pain in my neck, thumbs, knees, ankles, and then finally, that all-over sort of musculoskeletal pain that feels like I've got the flu.

In other words, I feel like Microwaved Death.

Also, I'm having heart palpitations which makes me a bit nervous since I have both a mitral valve prolapse, as well as an aortal dilation (another gift from the EDS).

On top of all this, my weight is up to 119, since I've been taking medical marijuana to try and stave off the pain, which gives me an appetite, and so I've been eating a ton. Bulimia triggered, like a motherfucker, folks. Le sigh. Oh, don't worry, I'm not at the point where I'm sticking my finger down my throat, or downing laxatives, but I am at the point where I don't want to take the marijuana for my pain because getting above 115 always triggers my eating disorder, which is a whole other ugly ball of wax which we don't need to be getting into just now, now do we?

We do not.

So, I sent Max out to pick me up a bottle of kratom, since it's the only non-opiate that even comes close to touching my pain, and I'm nearly out. I'm very careful with the stuff, and made the last shipment last quite a while, but my next one won't come in for a few days, and I couldn't stand it anymore with the pain being as bad as it is, and my ED rearing its ugly head with the medical marijuana. And in any case, I LOATHE the feeling of THC, i.e., being high, so much. I can only take the teensiest amount before the paranoia and feeling of being out of control of my own mind kicks in, and I can't stand that. I have to be very careful -- as does anyone who has the Brain Cooties. I always stick to low THC strains as much as possible, but I have this goo in a syringe that was given to me so that's what I'm working with now.

Anyway, I take the teensiest amount of that once a day before bed, so I can sleep, and not actually get high. Which brings me to the next topic; I know I'm about to hit a manic phase when taking that stuff doesn't work to put me to sleep at night. And guess what, folks...

So, once again, I need to make the gazillionth call to my doctor regarding getting me a referral to a psychiatrist so I can get my risperdone prescription sorted out. If they don't get me in soon, I may have to just go to the bloody ER and get an emergency Rx for it. This is ridiculous. The mental health care in this state has plummeted wildly in the past few years; this is the first time I've had such trouble getting in to see a damn psychiatrist, and the first time my primary care doc has refused to just go ahead and prescribe the risperdone to me in the interim.

What the fuck are we supposed to do? Just...pray? To what? The Bipolar SZA Gods?

What a pathetic state of affairs this is. I feel like I am spinning my wheels, trying to do the right thing and the responsible thing for my own mental health. I KNOW I need this particular medication, but I can't get it because of the red tape and waiting lists and lack of places that take my insurance and the list goes on...

And on top of that I'm physically in so much pain I can barely think straight. I swear, it's never just one thing...it always has to be ALL THE THINGS, right?

So, if I'm not feeling better by tomorrow or Tuesday when my clinic is open again, and if they can't do an emergency prescription for me, I will just haul my carcass over to the ER and pray to the Brain Cootie gods they don't decide to inpatient me. Which I doubt, considering just a couple weeks ago, Saorsie (I've referred to her here as Kriss, I need to change that bc she prefers the other moniker) flipped out on some drug, threatened suicide, ran around the damn house naked, and the cops were called after she was getting violent and she was home that same damn day.

...can you even?

As I said, mental health care in this state...Hell, in this country...has gone to absolute shit.

If you know me at all, you know I'm the biggest proponent of TAKING YOUR MEDS, and now I'm having a Hell of a time getting the one I really need in order to get my mind right.

Let's see, what else can I possibly complain about today?

My brain hurts, my body hurts even more...well, at least my heart doesn't hurt! I suppose one must count one's blessings. In fact, on that note, I have wonderful friends, indeed. Which, it may be argued, is far more important than lovers. At least, to my mind it is. Romance comes and goes. Friends are for life -- or, at least, they ought to be.

This is what keeps me sane, you see, when I'm in this much physical and mental pain -- reminding myself what's good and pure and solid in my life. What I have that I can count on. I have Joe and Max, both of whom go out of their way to make my life easier however they can, and are kind to me (and my cats), and make living with Saorsie and her addictions (and untreated mental illness and entitled bullshit) less horrific. I have my friends, who are here for me when I'm feeling hopeless and miserable, and remind me I'm not alone, and hopeless, and helpless, wandering alone in the dark.

It's easy to get caught in this downward spiral when I'm in this much pain, and my brain cooties are chittering away up there, and I start thinking about my future, and all the things I wrote about in the last two posts...and this is why I write. I write to remind myself of what's real, and what's good. I write to navigate the darkness. Sometimes, to explore it, to make myself at home in it...

...but mostly, to navigate my way back out of it.

[maxgicalgirl]

Besties I’m gettin real tired of the random bouts of anxiety out of the blue every couple months. I’d like to not feel like my skin is a live wire and I’ve got an elephant sitting on my chest for no reason please and thank you :/

[pro-crastinate17]

me when. did i eat today?

[transbee]

having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.

[rootbeerqueer]

anyone else have to do that terrible common core math project with linear equations that was all based around a fat girl who works at mcdonald’s having to lose weight by counting calories?