#so like. idk. if you want to see these if I finish them tell me? I plan to write something about Brian too

[statementlou]

ZAYN'S FIRST TOUR I can’t believe it’s over guys… like not only my shows, but also the WHOLE TOUR, it’s like a double punch, that was so fucking fun!! But also it’s just the fucking start, by the end he was having so much FUN, we’ve really got him hooked and cleansed of his demons now yall, it is ON and I’m so excited. It was weird having tickets first to the opening show of the whole tour, and then it got changed to somewhere in the middle, and then it got changed again to the LAST two shows of tour, a whole rollercoaster, and not getting the opening show after all was disappointing but in the end I loved getting to go to the end of it. I loved watching the lives- starting out saying, oh I’ll just watch the first one probably, but then it was so good and he ended up being so much fun that I just didn’t want to miss a thing, and the change from start to finish… honestly mind blowing. I went on the first SF night with fellow livestream gang girlie @justanothershadeofblue but also with @uhoh-but-yeah-alright and @homosociallyyours who had not been watching the lives or videos at all, didn’t know the setlist, etc, and seeing him up there just ON FIRE, yelling and bouncing and chatting, so outgoing and excited and comfortable laughing and teasing and playing off the crowd and hitting every mark… I could say to them, wow at the beginning he was so nervous and awkward and mumbly and would mess up and have to be like oh uh can we restart that song all the time and didn't interact with the crowd at all, this is really different, but how can anyone really believe that when he’s just owning the space and yelling FUUUUCK YEAH!! every couple minutes at the top of his lungs?? Incredible!! The BLOSSOMING we've witnessed these last few months has been a fucking gift, for real, I'm so proud and happy for him.

Anyway more specific show thoughts: I danced and waved my arms around like an absolute idiot the whole time it was great, he was SO FUNNY and fun, the energy feedback loop of him getting so excited by us being hype and it feeling so good to make him so happy and getting even more hype, SO FUN, I loved that he seemed to be genuinely excited by the idea of San Francisco for whatever reason even if he did call it San Fran about 8000 times like a giant nerd, like I’m very lucky to live somewhere where I get to see them at all but after how Harry and Louis for example play out in the outlying areas and plus treat Bay Area shows as an afterthought to deal with on their way to LA it felt really nice, and I also felt super blessed to get to go to the end of the zour because although throughout he had struggled some with learning to sing SO MUCH AT A TIME without losing his voice (Zayn HIRE HELENE) and had to be conscious of that, on that final night he didn’t have to worry and just went for it and it was EVERYTHING, and! Most important of all! Even though at least for me I think night one was superior on night two the most important thing of all happened, something I will treasure forever even though I didn’t get it on video and didn’t even realize what I was experiencing until right after it happened: I, bander, was in the room when Zayn Malik said my favorite Zayn Malikism of all time right there in front of my salad, I experienced the beloved WHOOPSEH DAISEH with my own two ears!! So grateful, so zlessed, life is good! He also said vas happening but idk what to tell you, I’m a whooseh daiseh girlie forever I loved every minute of this tour, and can’t wait for the shows coming up, and also the circumstances were so shit and it doesn’t make Liam’s death any less tragic nor have I forgotten: but I am really glad that as a fandom we got something nice and fun and happy during this time, we really needed that. Was thinking last night though about how when we got the tickets for this Megan and I were like holy shit we never thought Zayn would tour, now we really will get to see 5/5 playing solo shows together, we’ll just need to go see Liam sometime after this…. it’ll be 4/5 forever now. But not the 4 you would have guessed a year ago, and I am truly happy for Zayn that he's been able to feel the joy of performing again, and in a lot of ways probably for the first time it's been like this.

[kawareo]

I have some roughs for full/partial animations that I am never going to finish, thinking of just posting them as they are

[kyouka-supremacy]

Well.

[wow-an-unfunny-joke]

Pick something for me to write

Ignore the blacked out thing, that’s someone else’s document

[antirepurp]

yakuza kiwami is doing an excellent job reminding me why i cannot be allowed anywhere near games with this much side bullshit in them. the moment i was allowed to free-roam kamurocho the main story got disregarded in favor of doing sub-stories and finding locker keys. there's an entire card game system waiting for me to get unreasonably invested in it. pocket circuit is back and will ruin my life again. at least there's no real-estate minigame this time or there'd be absolutely no hope of me ever finishing this game

[girlboy-frankensteins-monster]

books i read this january:

1. 'station eleven' by emily st. john mandel

5/5 stars — literally so good, such a great start to the year. i loved the writing style and the story and the characters and i am forever grateful to the friend of a friend who kept telling me i should read this because he was totally right and it's so good. definitely recommend this if you like apocalyptic stuff that's more an exploration of humanity than action/thriller

2. 'ghosts: the button house archives' by mathew baynton, simon farnaby, martha howe-douglas, jim howick, laurence rickard and ben willbond

3/5 stars — everything i wanted from a ghosts book tbh, loved getting to hear more about the characters but i would've liked a bit more serious stuff about fanny (this isn't really a criticism just wish there had been because she's such a compelling character to me)

3. 'i am malala' by malala yousafzai

4/5 stars — really good for anyone unfamiliar with pakistani culture and politics to help explain recent history as well as being genuinely very interesting. definitely recommend

4. 'heartstopper: volume 5' by alice oseman

3/5 stars — cute and nice to read as a queer british teenager, i like alice oseman's art a lot and i liked how she approached the topics discussed in it. only 3 stars just because like it doesn't really speak to me personally not because it isn't good or anything

5. 'never let me go' by kazuo ishiguro

4/5 stars — i have a weird relationship with his writing i feel like with both the books i've read by him the endings have just been a bit lacking for me? but not for a reason i can actually define and i still really liked the rest of the book and i really like his writing style as well

6. 'yellowface' by rebecca f. kuang

4/5 stars — not my favourite work by her but i found it really interesting to read. idk it's been quite controversial and i don't think i know enough about the issues discussed in the book to have an opinion but it did make me think about a lot of things i'd never really considered before which was why i found it interesting

7. 'gideon the ninth' by tamsyn muir

5/5 stars — this book was right up my street; i absolutely love gideon and the way the book's written. gideon and harrowhark's relationship was really compelling and i love the concept. if you read this book (please do) i would recommend that you read the glossary before you start the book because i spent at least the first 50 pages with no idea what was going on but after that it was amazing

8. 'the seven husbands of evelyn hugo' by taylor jenkins reid

3/5 stars — kind of just not my thing, sorry to all my friends who love it (none of them are on tumblr lol). i thought it was interesting but it just wasn't really my taste

9. 'tsunami girl' by julian sedgwick and chie kutsuwada

4/5 stars — i definitely didn't expect to enjoy this as much as i did but i actually really liked it the whole way through. the characters were great and i found the romance subplot way more well-written and believable than i expected (this might just be me because i'm a bit weird about reading relationships as romantic in books so a lot of straight romance where they sort of just expect you to pick up on it as romantic purely because it's a boy and a girl comes across as really flat to me and i end up just deciding that they're only friends to me whereas in this book i actually did read their relationship as romantic and wanted them to go out)

10. 'nation' by terry pratchett

5/5 stars — i think this is the first terry pratchett i've read other than good omens and i really, really enjoyed it. it took me a while to get into but i liked the characters and also found the sort-of-romance in this believable which was cool. also just really interesting to be honest, i recommend this as well

[flugame-mp3]

SEASON NINE FINALE WAS WILD. I HAVE MANY MANY THOUGHTS. WHAT JUST HAPPENED. A FUCKING ROLLER COASTER FOR SURE

[yelloworangesoda]

gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this

[mako-island-moon-pool]

You want to know how bad my memory is?

I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.

I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'

'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'

[exopelagic]

honk shoo.

[xxplastic-cubexx]

played one game of rivals as wanda and after the match enemy team went 'im so glad scarlet witch's kids are dead' like OK??????? CAN I HELP YOU WHAT DID I DOOOOOO

[todayisafridaynight]

the worst part in being able to write sentences is that nothings stopping me from writing fics yk

[secondpersonpoetry]

HI!!!!! whilst eating dinner i watched the “once an otter always an otter” number retirement video on youtube and thought “ooh. cool. let me see what people are saying”. opened tumblr. saw your most recent reblog, pressed play. saw DYLAN STROME say the word “davo” and immediately had to pause it lol. put my fork down to boot. like…..flabbergasted. genuinely. man oh man. my goodness. unpaused. the past tense “it was (WAS!!!!) an honor to be your friend” (😧) and the “and hopefully we can make some more [memories] in the future” and the fade to black. SHUT UPPPPPPPPP. OH MY GOD…………….i don’t have anything of substance to add just im sick!!! im sickened!!!!!! it’s never overrrrrrrrrr. absolutely unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! frank ocean ivy trust and believe you WILL be looped for the foreseeable future……..they’ll never be those kids again!!!!! and the game’s in a week and a half!!!!!!! gahhhhhhh. nuts crazy bonkers etc etc. going to have an absolutely exceedingly normal one about it for sure!!!!!! hope you have a good one!!!!!!!

also! just for future reference: do you prefer asks of this nature sent to this blog or your hockey one? thank you!!

"Centaur over Tomer Butte" [amended, abridged], Robert Wrigley

you know. i don't think i actually ever registered dylan saying "davo". i think my ears just decided i didn't need to hear that, for the good of my brain to continue functioning. who up having their present haunted by the ghosts of the past who are less like ghosts and more like someone you keep forgetting walked out of the next room but also aren't quite sure if they came back and you've only just worked up the courage to call out to them. schrödinger's best friend who might or might not be there in your future to make more memories with. but at least this time you opened the door and left it cracked for him to crawl back through.

[dyed-petals]

i know there is no light in view, but i still prepare myself to rationalize how it will be worth it once i finally reach it. there was a reason i took this tunnel, the light will be so bright at the end, trust me, i know it has to be true, or why would i have taken a tunnel. this isnt even a poem, is it? its barely even prose. i wish it was, i wish there was beauty in suffering. tragedy lets me fantasize that there is meaning in this pain, that im not just going to be done with this slightly less alive than when i started and i will have no undo button.

what can come of this? comraderie maybe? do you think i will appreciate life more when i get out of this slump? will i learn my lesson and avoid it from here on out? if any of that were true there wouldn't be any suffering in suffering.

no one is looking out for me. i can't convince myself there is no matter how many sermons i sit through and hymns i sing and verses i read. i know ill believe it again. but the only belief i can muster as of now would require i don't see my current self as a part of me. maybe it would be nice, to dismiss this as one bad dream. but it would condemn me as a creature of darkness only. it would be comforting to believe, to absolve me of my sloth in giving up, but alas i know i can't give up. my life is bigger than me and i will drag it along with me.

i have this post, i guess. is this the light im looking for? a tumblr post that no one will read except for myself in a couple months when im brainstorming song lyrics? will the song be worth it? will i ever make something good enough for this to be worth it?

i just dont. want to feel anything right now. i just want the rest of the world to wait. i dont want to tarnish the things i have a vague sense i'll care about later. can i please figure out a nicer way of asking you to leave me alone after you leave me alone. ill be normal eventually. it always passes just as meaninglessly as it came.

im sorry october. i won't get to see you again.

oh. tomorrow's the anniversery of the worst day of my life. yeah. that tracks.

8. its been 8. im sorry. i'll try again next year. i wish i remembered your birthday instead.

[arolesbianism]

Y'know now that I'm seeing a small handful of ppl actually giving a shit abt oni lore it's making it so much harder to not become a nerd emoji every five seconds anytime I see someone talk abt oni because I forget that every source of oni information is comically outdated

[milkybishop]

i think i just need to go to bed but im just a bit :T about my characters rn, like none of them are really capturing my attention, i'm more rolling them around for the sake of rolling them around