#<- just created this so i can do this once a month :)

[hannahbarberra162]

Under the Microscope, Part 13 (Yan Sabo x Reader)

18+ MDNI | on Ao3

All the other chapters

The angst has arrived. Thank you to @tryingandfailingtowrite and @gouraminnow for their help <3 <3 <3

Also I'm sorry I didn't respond to anyone's comments last time I promise I read them and I will respond this time.

Ace POV

The wind whipped the hair out of Ace’s face as he leaned against the railing of the ship when he felt a familiar sensation behind him. Once upon a time, he could feel sensation across his entire back but now there was a dead zone in the middle where his nerve endings never reconnected. After the second Mera Mera, he didn’t feel hot or cold due to the fire within him, but even now he couldn’t feel anything where Akainu had injured him. Not a scratch or a cut, not a kiss or a hug, or the feeling of another person’s skin against his own.

Like he wasn’t feeling now as Marco stood behind him. Ace had spent months trying to remember the exact feeling of Marco’s cool skin against his own, how his lover’s chest always felt like a balm to his soul. Ace’s mind raced with everything he’d done to Sunny, all the ways in which he’d wrecked her life, and didn’t want to confront his thoughts about Marco. So when he felt Marco’s long graceful arms around him and grip the railing on either side of his body, Ace ducked under one of his former lover’s arms and did his best to create space as he moved over to the side. Ace crossed his arms and turned to face him as he leaned his back against the railing, away from Marco’s achingly familiar touch. He couldn’t look his former brother in the eye, so he stared hard at his scuffed boots.

“Long time no see yoi,” Marco’s tone was pleasant while he continued to face the sea. The warm salty air ruffled his familiar haircut, though Ace could see a few more gray hairs littered in his blonde locks. They’d had an awkward exchange already when Marco had first landed on the ship. But Marco had been all business then, his voice sharp as he demanded details about Sunny and her condition. There was no time for long conversations between them among the chaos of the battle’s aftermath. Now there was a large stretch of time until Marco left again and Ace was alone once more.

“Yeah,” Ace replied with his eyes still on his boots, unsure where to start. There was so much unsaid between them that Ace didn’t know where to begin. He decided to go with what was easiest, “how’s Sunny?”

“She’s better, I healed what I could. I wish you’d called me immediately, maybe we could have changed the outcome yoi,” Marco replied in his usual calm tone. Ace’s eyebrows scrunched downwards as he scowled.

“What do you mean, ‘healed what you could? Is she better or not?” Ace’s eyes finally met Marco’s with a harsh squint to them as he asked Marco. The doctor sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Her body is healed - her hands, her jaw, her ribs - all fine. She has some lingering effects from her traumatic brain injury, but those should heal in time. It’s just… I couldn’t heal her eye. Maybe Law can or - she might even be able to herself. But she lost vision in her left eye, I can’t bring it back,” Marco said softly. Ace processed Marco’s words for a few minutes, while his grip on his arms grew tighter and tighter. He closed his eyes and forced the tears back. Ace hated cry babies after all, including himself.

“Ace, no one blames you for anything -”

“You just said that I could’ve changed the outcome if I called sooner. So Sunny must blame me. They all do, I know they do.” Ace said, unsure exactly who he was thinking about at that moment.

“And how would you know that yoi? You haven't talked to her at all. You didn’t tell any of us that you were alive - we had to see it on national TV. You haven’t talked to anyone since -”

“Since I killed our Captain -”

“No, Ace. That’s not - we missed you, it’s not your fault, -” Marco started to say softly before Ace’s voice overpowered his.

“IT IS! IT IS MY FAULT!” Ace exploded and flung his arms out to the side as he stood upright. His finger poked into Marco’s chest as he continued to direct his tirade at his former crewmate. “Just admit it, Marco! Admit it’s my fault she’s blind, it was my fault she was hurt, it’s my fault any of this happened! I was the one who pushed her to make the fruit, I was the one who couldn’t fight Akainu AGAIN! I’m the reason Pops -” Ace knew he was caught in a full rant now but it felt good to finally let it all out. His hands shook as bottled up self loathing spewed from him like toxic sludge. 

“Ace-”

“Is dead, the reason the crew is gone, the ship is destroyed, the reason that fuckin’ Blackbeard -”

“Ace stop-” Marco let Ace’s words wash over him as he did his best to interrupt at the same time. Ace barreled along, he had no desire to hear the sympathy he didn’t deserve.

“Is a fuckin’ Emperor now, the reason Luffy almost died, and -”

Marco finally stopped Ace’s speech - his hands soft on Ace’s jaw as he grabbed and pulled him close to kiss him on the lips. Ace closed his eyes and allowed himself to be brought deeper into the kiss, Marco’s lips gentle on his own. Marco’s other hand wound around Ace to grip the back of his neck as Marco gently massaged the tight muscles. Ace nearly moaned from the sudden contact - he’d dreamed about Marco, Yamato, and Deuce for years but hadn’t had the courage to contact any of them.  After he broke away, Marco rested his chin on Ace’s head as he pulled Ace into a hug.

“Stop for a moment yoi. Take a breath,” Marco commanded softly while he ran his long fingers over Ace’s scar. Ace saw teal flames lighting up behind him through the corner of his eye.

“Don’t heal it,” Ace mumbled into Marco’s broad chest as his arms wrapped around his lover’s body.

“Hm? Why not? The scar tissue -” 

“Don’t deserve it,” Ace muttered and rested his forehead on Marco’s clavicle. In the two years apart Marco had somehow become even more attractive than Ace remembered, his chest and back broader and more well muscled. Marco clicked his tongue but stopped his healing flames as Ace had requested.

“Still self loathing then?” Marco asked while he continued to run his hands up and down Ace’s back. Ace desperately wished he could feel most of it but stayed silent while he relished the feel of Marco’s hands on him. They stayed like that for a few minutes in silence, each lost in their thoughts. Marco pushed Ace away from his body and grabbed him by the shoulders before he gave him a light shake.

“No one blames you for anything that happened yoi. None of what happened with us - Pops, the crew, Blackbeard - none of it was your fault -”

“It was, you told me not to go after him and I didn’t listen -”

“And that was your choice. We could have stopped you, all of us could have kept you from going but we gave you the freedom to choose, just like Sunny had. That doesn’t make Blackbeard’s actions your fault -”

“And I fucking failed again with Sunny! You saw what happened out there, I completely froze up. Made completely of fire and I fucking froze. She nearly died,” Ace said with a sniffle while a tear tracked down his freckled cheek. Marco tutted again and wiped the tear off Ace’s cheek.

“You need to go talk to her yoi. She’s been waiting to see you, you can’t hide anymore. I’ll be here after you talk to deal with things between us. But you need to go to Sunny -”

“I know, I know. It’s just - what do I even say? ‘Sorry for fucking up so bad you almost died’? ‘Sorry I didn’t tell you that letting me into your life would end up in misery just like everyone else?’ Like, I don’t -” Ace ran his fingers through his long shaggy bangs as he bit his lip, his thoughts locked on the last time he saw you laid out on your infirmary bed, bandaged and bruised.

“It doesn’t matter what you say. You at least owe her a face to face conversation now that she’s awake and can talk,” Marco chided lightly while he rubbed Ace’s arms. Ace looked up at Marco’s concerned face and inhaled a sharp breath. 

“You’re right, I’ll go later -” Ace messed with the strings of his hat when he responded in a dodgy tone. Marco’s easy going eyes narrowed in a way Ace hadn’t seen since the Moby, when Ace wasn’t taking Marco’s medical advice.

“You’ll go now, ” Marco voice was firm as he turned Ace around and walked with him toward the door to the ship’s decks arm in arm.

“Guess I’m going now,” Ace mumbled, grateful for the push from Marco even if he literally dragged his feet.

Your POV

“Sunny, I - I don’t - I never wanted - things weren’t supposed to be this way,” Sabo stuttered at your statement while he wiped his eyes from the tears that continued to fall. “Sunny, I - you  - you can be mad at me, you know. I don’t - You don’t have to pretend this is all ok. I never wanted you to look like me -”

“I’m not mad at you for my injuries, Sabo,” you said and wiped your eyes and nose on the sleeve of your pajamas. “It’s not your fault this happened, I made my choices,” you said in a soft voice. Sabo reached out and touched your now healed hand as his gaze formed a familiar intense stare. 

“I won’t fail you again, Sunny. I can’t - I won’t, ” Sabo’s eyes boring into yours as he swore a firm promise of protection. It was all too familiar to when he swore he’d take care of you, that you’d never have to look after yourself again. You didn’t answer but turned your head to the left so you could look out the window again. You knew your magnification worked; you’d tried it out when Marco healed your jaw. The problem was everything else wasn’t quite the same, simple tasks were now a struggle. It took you significantly longer to process what people told you, to read anything, or to organize your thoughts into coherent ideas. Even turning your head had taken longer than you anticipated.

“Ok,” you said softly. You didn’t want to console Sabo, you were still mad at him for putting you in seastone. On top of that, you were the one who had gotten injured, not him. Sabo and Ace had killed thousands of Marines without remorse or injury from what you’d gathered from the nurses. 

“Is Marco coming back? I have some questions about my brain injury,” you asked Sabo, who was still gripped your hand in his. 

“He’s not leaving for a few days so there’s plenty of time to -” Sabo’s response faded as the door creaked open to reveal Ace on the other side with Marco behind him. Ace’s face was already pinched in a frown as he fidgeted with the hat in his hand. Marco gave Ace a small push inside the room and motioned to Sabo with a finger.

“This is a conversation that needs to happen, Sabo. Come on, Sunny will be fine for a few minutes yoi,” Marco said with an authoritative tone. Sabo bristled slightly and his grip on you only lessened when he took in Ace’s red rimmed eyes.

“I’ll be on the deck if you need me,” Sabo said with a final press of his hand to yours. You nodded as Sabo and Marco left quickly, and shut the door softly behind them. You and Ace stared at each other for a few long moments, the silence only broken by the sound of the birds and waves crashing against the ship. You had a difficult time starting conversations since your TBI, you knew clinically that it could happen but it was a completely new experience when it happened to you. You did have something to say to Ace but what is was lingered beyond your grasp. Maybe he’d start the conversation kindly and you’d be able to suss it out. 

“Look, I’m sorry,” Ace said and kicked his boot against the floor.

“What are you sorry for?” you asked in a clipped tone. You remembered now, you were annoyed and angry at Ace for ignoring you for so long.

“Not seeing you fast enough, I guess,” Ace spun his cowboy hat on a finger as he answered. It was hard for you to concentrate while he spun it, so you shook your head and looked away.

“Oh, so it’s me who has the problem? Is that it?” you hissed while you crossed your arms, “I’ve been waiting for so long to see for myself that you’re ok but if you’re going to be petulant and pissy I’d rather not see you at all.”

 He flinched at the venom in your voice and stood straighter. You were already emotionally spent from the healing and had waited long enough to see Ace. You’d thought about this conversation many times and it involved hugs and fond wishes, not raised voices and arguments.

“Why would you want to see me? I ruined your entire life,” Ace hissed back, his gaze firmly locked with yours. The vitriol in his voice took you aback but you weren’t going to let him push you around. You knew he didn’t really mean it, that it was just his insecurity that shone through in moments of vulnerability. You’d heard it a few times on the island when you did nice things for him or gave him compliments about himself. Ace always reacted with a shove, quick to push away anyone who expressed love.

“You didn’t ruin my life, I made my own choices -” you said, your voice still scratchy after a week of silence. You were so tired of Sabo and Ace taking your decisions out of your hands and making it seem like you were forced into your current situation. Sure, it wasn’t sunshine and flowers but you’d lose an eye over a friend again and again.

“Well, I don’t think it was in your plans to blow up the fleet admiral and the rest of your life!” Ace exclaimed and threw his arms to the side before he crossed them. He planted his hat on his head to obscure his eyes from you.

“I WANTED TO!” you yelled back while you threw your arms in the air like he had. “I could have gotten back to the Marines! They already had…uh…” you snapped your finger to think of the word you wanted, a now frustratingly common occurrence, “caught me, recaptured me, did you know that? I coulda left BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE YOU DIE!”  

Your voice grew more hoarse at the rare rise in your volume and rubbed your throat to assuage the burn. You wanted to pull your hair out, you were so frustrated - why couldn’t Sabo and Ace believe you that it was your choice?

“Oh really? Maybe you'll change your mind when you look at this,” Ace said before he handed you a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. When you unfolded it, you saw a picture of your younger self during basic duty captioned with the words WANTED: ALIVE ONLY. Your eye flicked to the bottom to check your bounty; you didn’t need to be able to read quickly to understand what you was in front of you. Your hands shook and the paper wafted to your lap as Ace gave you a sympathetic look.

One billion beri. 

You had a one billion beri bounty.

Your head was pounding as you whipped your legs out from under the blankets to put your feet on the floor for the first time in weeks. You couldn’t lay in bed right now, you needed to feel something tangible against your feet. You pushed yourself to stand and ignored Ace’s gentle grip when his hands landed on your arms.

“Hey wait Sunflower, I don’t think you should -” Ace’s voice reached you but didn’t register as your mind fell into a tailspin. You breathed in quick, shallow breaths but it felt like you couldn’t suck in enough air as you thought about the bounty now hanging over your head. Where would you go? Where could you go? How were you going to - with a bounty that high you’d be picked off by the first bounty hunter that saw you and sent back to the Marines and sent to Impel Down for the rest of your days with pirates and guards and underwater. And why did they only want you alive? Did they want you to - they probably wanted you to make more bombs or bad fruits or something and -

The room began to spin as you felt like you were losing consciousness in slow bursts. Someone’s voice had risen to a yell but you didn’t know who it was or what they were saying. Ace’s warm hands gripped your torso as he tried to push you back into the bed. You fought against the arms that held you in an attempt to keep you from moving out of the bed. Your eye caught the bright blue of your Marine neckerchief on the Wanted poster and you stared into the eyes of a younger version of yourself as you slumped forward.

The arms let go momentarily as you gripped the hair on either side of your head and gave it a harsh pull. Someone was now behind you on the bed; their arms and legs wrapped around you in a bear hug. Instead of ripping your hair out, your arms were now crushed against your own body as the person cradled you from behind. You tried to thrash against the hold they had you in but your muscles were weak and they were stronger than you. After you wore yourself out, you sat on the bed while your chest heaved with hard pants. They were warm, you realized, warmer than a normal person would be. The heat had you thinking about laying in the sand on a balmy summer’s day.

“Hey. Shhh. Hey, Sunny. Hey, breathe with me,” someone said and their stubbly cheek rested on your back. You tried to take a deep breath but it didn’t work, the air caught in your throat as you repeatedly thought of the billion beris on your head. Your mind whirled with the questions of where would you go and what would you do. Your hands shook with the certainty that someone was going to hurt you again; you almost died the first time, you wouldn’t survive another. This was it, your death sentence was spelled out with six large black letters WANTED and a billion beris behind it.

“C’mon Sunflower, c’mon, shhh. It’s ok, it’s me, it’s Ace. Shhhh, you’re alright, you’re alright. You’re safe, you have me and Sabo and Marco here, shhhh, nothing’s gonna happen to ya,” the voice continued to repeat words and phrases at you until you started to calm down. Your frantic mind clung to the even tone of the man as he held you tight.

“Shhh, it’s ok, nothing’s gonna happen, you’re safe, no one’s gonna get you,” Ace kept on as he hugged you from behind while he rocked both of you gently. You took in a deep breath and released it shakily like the breath got stuck in your throat.

“There you are, again, Sunflower, come on, breathe for me,” Ace encouraged you, his chest still pressed to your back as you felt his hot breath over your upper arm where the thin blue hospital gown wasn’t covering it. “Sunny, I missed you so so much, I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I just thought you hated me, that you would never want to see me again. You don’t need to worry, I’ll help you, me ‘n Sabo -”

You had started to regain control of your breathing when the door was kicked in with a bang. You screamed and ducked to cover your head as the door burst open, the door pushed open with one hand by Sabo and Marco hot on his heels. Sabo had his pipe in his hands ready for action while Marco wound the stethoscope back around his neck. 

“What’s going on? Did Sunny get hurt? I heard yelling,” Sabo demanded and scanned the room for any interlopers. 

“Goddammit, don’t do that,” Ace hissed while hepulled your hands off your head. “She just calmed down,” Ace put his chin on your shoulder but didn’t unwrap himself from around you. 

“The nurses noted a huge spike in her vitals and called for me. Did anything happen?” Marco asked calmly as he came to sit next to you on the bed with the stethoscope in his hands. 

“Well, the thing is, she kinda freaked out. I’ve seen her freaking before but this was different,” Ace’s grip on your arms loosened as he explained. 

“What triggered the panic?” Marco asked with the buds of the stethoscope now in his ears. He brought the bell towards your wrist and you allowed him to take your pulse, your arm slow to extend from where it had been cramped against your chest.

“I showed her the bounty poster,” he grumbled from behind you and your torso seemed like a human shield from his brothers.

“YOU IDIOT!” Sabo and Marco yelled together. The loud noise made you jolt, especially since Marco was so near. 

“I specifically told you not to show her!” Sabo threw his hands up emphatically while he barked at his brother.

“We’ve had so many conversations about time and place, yoi. Why would you show it to her now?” Marco chided and a vein began to throb in his forehead. Ace didn’t answer either one of them but you felt his body grow hotter against your back. 

“Sunny, I’m sorry you saw that. I was going to show you in a few days,” Sabo pleaded while he reached for you. You shrunk back but Ace’s body behind your own didn’t allow you much room to recede from Sabo’s touch. This was all too much for you right now but you couldn’t figure out how to let everyone know. Marco glanced at your face for a moment before he placed his stethoscope around his neck and stood up. 

“Everyone out,” he ordered with a sharp look at Ace, “including you yoi. She needs to rest right now and the excitement isn’t helping. Out, now.” 

You were sorry for the loss of his heated body as he climbed out of the bed but you wanted to unscramble your mind. Everything seemed to move too quickly and the confusion in your mind grew as you struggled to gather the scattered pieces of your thoughts. It didn’t help that the steady throb in your eye grew increasingly painful the more you tried to think. Sabo nodded and held the door open for Ace as they walked side by side to leave. You heard Sabo immediately begin to argue with Ace and wanted to interject but they were too far away to hear you.

“I’m having a hard time with uhm….thinking?” you said, your answer more a question than a statement. There were so many actions that you remembered being easier but between all the medications you had been on and the concussion, you felt like you were having to relearn to think.

“Common side effects of a TBI. You might also not be able to find words easily, organize your thoughts well, follow conversations, that kind of thing. It should go away in a few weeks to months -”

“ Months?!” you exclaimed and tears came unbidden to your eyes. Your head swam both from the previous conversations and with the news as you tried to prevent yourself from bursting into tears in front of The Phoenix. You hadn’t been a crier before but you had been so up and down that it was hard to maintain an even mood.

You weren’t seized by panic like before when you found out about your new bounty. This was different, Marco had tacitly told you that you amounted to nothing. All your life, you told yourself that it was OK that you weren’t the prettiest or the most popular or the best at anything because you were smart. And you used that one part of you as the one shining light that you clung to in your darkest moments. No matter what happened, you’d be able to reason and think your way out of any problem. You were smart , that’s what everyone thought of you. Not interesting, or fun, or someone worth being a friend, but smart. And now that was gone too. Marco’s large hand settled on your shoulder in comfort but you shrugged it off.

“Stop. It’s  - I’m ok. I just need some time alone,” you said before you closed your eyes and massaged your neck.

“Of course,” Marco flashed you a pitying look as he responded.

 “Do you want me to get Sabo?” he asked as an afterthought, already halfway out the door.  “We’re all here for you if you need us,” Marco said before he shut the door behind himself as he left. 

“No,” you whispered, Marco even being in the room already forgotten as your thoughts drifted. You sat in your bed, unable to think or react to anything. You stared out the window and tried to think of something - anything - that would change the outcomes you were facing. Your thoughts were jumbled and you couldn’t sort them like you had in the past, which just proved Marco right. The window was to your left so you laid back against the pillow and stared at the afternoon sky outside.

Eventually your thoughts quieted to silence in your mind as you thought about nothing. You almost felt like you were under the influence of medication again as you stared blankly out the window. Maybe you’d be able to think of a plan in a few months but for now you felt adrift, a life raft lost on the sea. You sat silently and a hand rose to absently rub your bad eye when it began to itch.

By the time that Sabo came back to your room, the sun had already set. You hadn’t moved from your position, not even to drink water. Your head was still turned on your pillow while you continued to look out the small window as the stars lit up the sky.

“Feeling any better?” Sabo asked quietly and took a seat next to you on the bed.

“No,” you said in a small voice, “but I have a question.”

“Of course,” Sabo said before he scooted closer to you. He looked so earnest and eager, like a dog who found its master after an extended absence. Once upon a time you would have cared, maybe even been flattered, but that kind of thing didn’t really matter anymore.

“Will the RA still keep me on now that I can’t research?” You slid your gaze from the sky outside when you asked him this, your stare firm when you looked at him. It was a question that had continually cropped up in your mind since your conversation with Marco. Sabo tilted his head to the side, his own bad eye revealed under his hair.

“You don’t have to complete any research, that’s never been -”

“So I don’t have to complete Project Seraphim? What’s the point of keeping me then?” you asked, hearkening back to the conversation you’d overheard long ago on the island with Ace.

“Wh - no, Sunny, it’s not like that. You can stay with us for as long as you want to -”

“That’s not what I heard before,” you said in a monotone and returned your good eye to the window, “I can’t read, I can’t think, I can’t research…I don’t know what to do. I can’t think of a…a…um…” 

 Your voice trailed off as you tried to think of the word you wanted and think through your idea. It was just beyond your mental reach, and you felt the urge to scream in frustration begin to build in you. Sabo waited patiently for you to finish your thought without interrupting you.

“Plan. I can’t think of a plan. If I can’t be of service, no one will want me and I’ll have to go somewhere else. And my b-bounty is so high, I don’t know what to do,” you said while an errant tear escaped your eye. 

“Oh, Sunny -” Sabo started to coo at you and this only drove your frustration higher. You didn’t want his pity or his fake concern, you wanted your damn mind to work .

“Stop. Stop talking to me like that,” you said and rubbed your bad eye again.

“Stop what? And don’t rub your eye, I know it’s hard but don’t,” Sabo said lightly and he reached across you to remove your hand from your face. He curled his fingers around yours as he began to talk to you. 

“It probably doesn’t itch, it’s phantom pain. What did you want me to stop?” Sabo’s voice was soft as he spoke to you, his fingers still entangled with yours while his thumb rubbed gently across your wrist.

“Talking to me like you care about me beyond what I can do for you. I’ve known the whole time that you wanted me to work for the RA, don't try to deny it. I heard you on the snail the first night we were on the island,” you accused before you tried weakly to pull your hand back. Sabo didn’t let go but frowned at your words.

“I did say those things, I won’t deny it. But it's not like that, it was so Dragon would see the benefit -” you cut Sabo off with another question that came to you suddenly. You wanted to get it out before it flitted out of your memory like an errant butterfly. 

“How did anyone find out what happened? I would have thought the Marines would have covered everything up,” you asked. 

“The whole fight was being live-snailed and broadcast to RA HQ. Dragon released the footage worldwide so people could see the Navy attacking and get a morale boost from Akainu-” Sabo said as you slumped back, not wanting to hear again about what happened between you and the Fleet Commander. 

“So there's really nowhere I can go.” You pinched the left side of your neck between your thumb and fingers as you spoke. It had been sore for days but nothing seemed to help the near constant ache.

“You’re staying with me and the RA,” Sabo said definitively, “You’ll be protected, we’re not going to let the Marines get you again. You don’t have to work if you don’t want to -”

“It doesn’t really matter if I want to, Sabo. I can’t right now. I can’t read, I can’t understand anything, I can’t even think right. You don’t have to worry about me overworking myself, I can’t work at all,” you said as a hysterical laugh bubbled up from your throat. The bark of your laughter filled the room as Sabo’s frown deepened. 

“I’m completely useless! A billion beri bounty and utterly useless - for anything!” you said and your laughter morphed into deep sobs. You doubled over while you covered your face with your hands to hide yourself from Sabo. You were so tired of crying but you couldn’t stop yourself from breaking down, your face tilted down to avoid looking at him as tears hit the thin cotton blanket on your lap. 

“Sunny, you’re not what you can produce. If you never worked again, I’d like you just the same,” Sabo bent his head to catch your eye and tightened his grip on your hand. You tried to rub your bad eye with your free hand but Sabo caught that one too, and he held them gently but firmly within his own.

“Sunny, look at me,” Sabo said softly and he refused to stop his attempt to catch your gaze. You looked up at him with tears obscuring the vision you still had left.

“I’ve always liked you. Always. Ever since the first time I saw you at that Marine base. I like everything about you - your curiosity, your kindness, your resilience, your cleverness -”

“But all that’s gone -” you cried out and tried to jerk back your hands, but Sabo’s grip was unrelenting, and he easily kept your wrists in his hands.

“It isn’t, it isn’t gone. You’re still the same person you were before, the same sweet, wonderful, kind, Sunny. Everything else doesn’t matter -”

“It matters to me ! I’m not the same person I was before - before the fight, before the island, before you, ” you began to cry again while you responded. Sabo considered you for a few moments before he released your hands back to you and setting them in your lap.

“You know I have a bad eye and some scarring, did Ace tell you how I was injured?” he asked and scooted farther from you. You shook your head as you sniffled.

“I was 11 years old and had stolen a sailing ship intending to become a pirate. Unfortunately, I was attacked by World Nobles who destroyed the ship and me along with it. I was dead in the water before Dragon saved my life and brought me to the RA where I was rehabilitated. He saved my life but I didn’t get everything back - I lost my eye, my memories, and my hand.” Confusion at Sabo’s statement made you pick your head up to look at him closer.

“Your hand? B-but, it works just fine -” Sabo gave you a small smile and continued his story while he took his glove off his left hand. 

“It works well, yes. But you’ve never seen me without long sleeves and gloves, not once. This is why,” Sabo said as he peeled the glove away from his fingers by the tips. Underneath was a fully articulated metal hand covered in small cables that ran up to Sabo’s wrist. Sabo opened it and closed it under your watch as you unabashedly stared. 

“But it feels like -” 

“The glove has extra insulation that mimics the feeling of flesh when I wear it. The hand is realistic enough that only a few people know my secret. Lindbergh made it for me, you’ll meet him at the RA base,” Sabo said as you turned his hand over for inspection. 

Sabo POV  

Sabo watched you look over his robotic hand with a small smile on his face. You were completely absorbed in the mechanics of his hand as your prior anxiety was forgotten in the face of the new curiosity in front of you. Sabo knew you were having a hard time adjusting but seeing you poking the cables and moving his fingers carefully to watch the hydraulics work showed him that you were the same person you’d always been, he just had to get you to see it too. 

“Very high quality piece. Interesting mechanics, too. Can you roll up your sleeve so I can see where it attaches to your arm? Ooh, really complex hydraulics…one of my side hobbies is robotics, well, it used to be. But I was reading all about cybernetics and cyborgs, really very interesting…can you feel anything in the hand? Any sensation? Have you read about what’s coming out of Water 7? From Cyborg Franky? He’s really the smartest person in the world, I think. Well, in his field. Either way, he’s truly a visionary. He’s changed his body to run on cola, maybe your hand could too - but what would be the point?” you rambled on while you moved Sabo’s index finger to full extension. He hummed happily and you looked up as if you finally remembered the hand was attached to Sabo. You looked sheepish to have gotten off track during his reveal but Sabo couldn’t have been happier.

“Sorry, I just got excited,” you said and put his hand down slowly. You leaned your head to the side and pulled down, trying to elongate and stretch your tight neck muscles. After that you unsuccessfully tried to stifle a yawn and forced Sabo to have one of his own.

“Don’t be sorry, I love this side of you. You still have your curiosity and thirst for knowledge. Everything else - reading, processing, eye strain - I’ll help you with. I happen to have experience in losing an eye,” Sabo said with a smile. You gave a small smile, no more than moving the corners of your mouth up but it was a start. 

“Starting with this, hold on,” Sabo said and stood from the bed. He didn’t put his glove back on even though the sensation of being without it made him feel as if he was completely naked.

“W-wait, Sabo, what are you -” Sabo cut you off as he easily moved the bed - with you in it - across the floor to the opposite wall, the window now to your right.

“Now you don’t have to turn your neck to look out the window. You can look at the moon as much as you’d like. I bet your neck’s sore from looking in one direction all day, yeah?” 

“Y-yeah,” you rubbed your neck as you responded absently. 

“See, I’ll help you get to where you want to be. One step at a time, together.” Sabo said with a firm nod. You returned the gesture but yawned again while you covered your mouth with your hand.

“I think it’s bedtime. We can start relearning things tomorrow, OK?” Sabo picked up his glove and flashed you a small smile while he spoke. Your eyelids began to droop even before you confirmed Sabo’s words with a nod.

“Can you go get Ace?” you asked as you laid back on your pillows. Sabo’s eyebrow quirked up.

“He’s ah, busy with Marco right now. Do you need something from him? I can get it for you,” Sabo said. He’d seen Marco pinning Ace to the side of the ship with a taloned foot while his hands held Ace’s over his head. Ace wasn’t fighting physically but he was crying and loudly whispering as Marco spoke to him in hushed tones. When Sabo passed by, Marco had turned an arm into a feathered wing and shielded Ace from his brother’s sight.

“Oh, uhm, no. Nothing really, it's fine,” your face turned a slight shade of red as you stammered.

“Sunny, please, let me help you. I want to, you have to say what you need,” Sabo urged. More blood rushed to your face as you picked at fuzz on your blanket.

“It's just that, um, well, when we were on the island together, he would - well, we would sleep in the um, same bed. And it was really relaxing for me, with the um, you know, warmth. I would always fall asleep so quickly,” you said nervously. “But he's busy, so, but um yeah, it's not a big deal.” 

“Sorry, Love. Maybe I’ll see him later and I can ask then,” he replied and began to put on his glove again. Sabo wished it was him you called for but it wasn't the case. After he finished with the glove, Sabo grabbed his pipe and started for the door. His left hand was on the handle when he heard you speak again. 

“I mean, maybe you could, if you wanted to, sleep in the bed? Nothing like, just with clothes on- well, we’ve done it before, a lot of times, I just didn’t think - I wasn’t sure if -” you hesitated as Sabo’s hand paused on the doorknob. 

Sabo had worked for the Revolutionary Army for a long time and had been trained to never give up information, even under duress or torture. He was thankful for all the hours spent with Dragon and Hack now as he turned to you as casually as he could muster. This was the first time in his memory that you’d actually sought out his touch rather than just accepting what Sabo had pushed on you. He didn’t want to blow his chances by being too forward or aggressive.

“I don’t mind. If it would help you sleep better, that is,” Sabo said as he tried  to will himself to be less awkward. “Are you sure you want me to join you?” 

You bit your lip and nodded while you moved yourself closer to the wall. Sabo removed his hat once more and climbed into the bed deliberately slowly to give you ample time to refuse or change your mind. He was still fully clothed as he laid down next to you on his side. You curled up into him without hesitation as you sought the heat that he provided you. 

“Warmer,” you said sleepily and tucked your face against his chest.

“Demanding,” Sabo replied lightly with a chuckle as he heated his temperature slightly higher. You hummed but didn’t reply as the two of you drifted into silence, your cheek pressed against his chest. Sabo felt his body finally relax as he realized he was also tired, it had been an emotional day for everyone. He had nearly fallen asleep when he felt you tug at his glove.

“ ‘M still mad about the seastone,” you murmured. Sabo grunted.

“That’s fair, I deserve it. We’ll talk about it and I’ll apologize in the morning,” he replied. He did want to talk about what happened but now wasn’t the time as you finally relaxed and drifted off into sleep.

“C’n I feel your real hand?” you asked, half asleep. He didn’t have to ask to know you meant his robotic hand.

“Mm,” Sabo agreed, removing his glove. Laying his hand down on the bed, your fingertips roved over the metal as if trying to commit it to memory.

“S’cool,” you mumbled before you laced your fingers around his. 

The last memory Sabo had of that night was falling asleep with your hand holding his own. 

Taglist: @mfreedomstuff @epochal-oracle @divinedolliebun @rebeccawinters

[sadgirlglimmeringdarling]

I'm going to try and write this in a way that I don't sound like a cold hearted monster towards Sky, because at the end of the day, I love her and I love her music.

Sky should point blank stop telling people when she is going to release stuff. Every single time she says she's going to release this or release that, on a certain day, month or time - it never happens.

She should just pull a Fiona Apple. Announce a release a week ahead when she is 100% sure and then go ahead and release it.

Mind you, Fiona isn't on social media. It's her roommate who announces Fiona's updates and new album releases.

Fiona doesn't talk to the media until after the album is released.

Fiona isn't going around telling anyone anything is coming out until she is 100,000 % sure it's coming out.

Fiona also happens to release albums once every 10 years.

By Sky putting dates or speaking about things being released at certain particular times, she is putting a certain timeline that fans, stans and critics are counting on for that particular thing to be released.

You would think she would have learned this already since Night Time My Time. How many times was the date for that album changed? Many times. How many times has she said Masochism was going to be out soon? Many times.

As for the Leash music video, I already knew by week one of December 2024 that it wasn't happening. I won't name my source, but it's someone I know from A24 who actually told me. He works for that film company. He said that as soon as Babygirl was getting bad reviews and panned by the critics, they knew there would be no music video.

Then Leash and Babygirl wasn't nominated for anything, so that also confirmed everything for A24 too.

I watched Babygirl. As a Nicole Kidman fan, it's one of Nicole's worst movie. The best thing about the movie is the song Leash. That's pretty much it.

Blaming the fires? Seriously - It's a great excuse. I would have said the same. The fires had nothing to do with Sky's video not being made. The bad reviews and having no nominations was the real factor here.

However, I understand why Sky lied. She has to be diplomatic and the last thing she wants to do is piss off A24 since they paid for the studio time, the producer and the mix/mastering to create Leash.

The new single isn't coming out anytime soon in my opinion. I don't see that happening for months or even maybe next year.

As for music videos, Suki Waterhouse recorded her entire music video for Dream Woman by camcorder with her sister. Her sister also edited it. Budget = $0.00

Lana Del Rey's sister filmed several of Lana's music videos over the years. Chuck (Lana's sister) films it with her phone. Then Lana edits it on her laptop. Budget = $0.00

Then there's the Summer Wine music video that Lana filmed all by her own self with her own phone and she used the Grain Damage Analogue Video filter app on her phone to give the video that 1960's vintage look. She edited the video on her own laptop. Budget = $0.00.

She did the same for her Video Games music video. Budget = $0.00

I could go on with Lana and Suki videos but you get my driff.

You can also look up many many other independent artists in rock, country and pop who also film there own videos whether by phone or camcorder. Trust me, the budget isn't so big if you know what you're doing or how you're doing it.

Sky doesn't know how to make a music video on her own. I'm amazed after all these years, she never bothered to learn how to do that. It's really not that hard. She instead always battled Capitol to film her videos, costing Capitol thousands to make a simple video like Everything Is Embarrassing.

Do you know what the budget for the music video for Everything Is Embarrassing was? $0.00. Capitol had to pay the director Grant Singer thousands of dollars to literally follow Sky all over Los Angeles to film that music video. A video that was a $0.00 budget because it was just Sky and the streets of Los Angeles being filmed. Capitol had to literally pay Grant thousands of dollars for a $0.00 costing video, which is absolutely insane. Sky could have easily filmed that video all by herself with her phone and edited it herself. The video looks like it was filmed on a phone, which I think was the aesthetic Sky was looking for. The other videos Grant directed for Sky had budgets in the thousands, which was paid for by Capitol.

So all this gibberish talk that rich people are the only ones who can create a music video by phone is BS. There is the low budget phone music videos done by Suki and Lana. There are the high budget phone music videos done by Lady Gaga.

And if you have the time, Google all the other indie artists who have created their music videos by phone with a zero budget.

Again, Sky has no idea how to do any of this on her own - but if she wants to be an independent artist, she needs to learn how to do it on her own.

This is not me attacking Sky. As I said earlier, I support her 100%. Love her music. The wait for Leash was worth it. But this is my opinion.

However, stans need to stop babying Sky. Some of you are jumping on people who have differing opinions and asking honest questions.

It's not cool that Free Sky Ferreira and _night_time_my_time_ on IG copied/pasted @bellafemme tumblr post onto their IG Stories. Now @bellafemme is being attacked in her inbox. People just sending her nasty messages. @bellafemme had to delete her post.

@bellafemme has always supported the Free Sky movement as well as myself. There was no need to attack her on IG for having questions and having a different opinion. I'm not trying to start drama here, but I think that was totally not cool.

Sky will release whatever she needs to release when she's ready. By her own admission, she is very OCD when it comes to her music. She will do 100 takes on a song alone until she likes it. Same with her music videos.

I truly hope Sky remains quite when it comes to her future releases. Not announcing any of them until she is 100% sure they will be released on time. This will also stop people from attacking her. Right now X and Lanaboards is having a field day because both the Leash music video and the new single never came out.

I also hope she takes the time to learn to make her own music videos/edit them like other indie artists.

At the end of the day, she could just choose to release music with no music videos like Beyoncé did for her last two albums.

[dollzites]

— far from the right time

( bf!jiyong x reader ) cw ; angst, grief, pain, foul language, violence, unsure thoughts and feelings

ꨄ︎ myeong’s note: hi guys! good to be back & I promise I’m getting to requests but I thought I could stop that for that a few and surprise everyone with something new and fresh! hope you can enjoy x

your heart pounds like a drum in your chest, fast and hot in anticipation of.. the words of the man who stood in front of you—calm, collected, and still. what the hell? how could he be so calm in a situation like this? when you were completely falling apart for him to witness.

past tense jiyong was the perfect boyfriend. he had been your first crush, love, and boyfriend. the world seemed like the best place with him by your side as if nothing could ever go wrong. jiyong was a kind and gentle man that never meant harm and he was there to give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of. was this real? it felt real. it was real. for just a few years until.. things started to slowly crumble around you. this perfect world that had been created was slowly crumbling and when you lunged forward to grasp it with all of your might—you weren’t able to do so. watching as the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years with jiyong slowly turned into nostalgic memories.

jiyong became distant and at first it was brushed off but when it started happening frequently to the point of rarely hearing from him.. something was wrong. a quick text would be ignored or he would send such a short reply back just letting you know he was still alive basically and calls weren’t answered. if they were? short and to the point nothing more but nothing less. what was happening? was he.. cheating? no way he would do such a thing, not jiyong. when your poor heart grew tired of this nonsense you packed a few of your belongings that were at his home and stayed with your best friend for a while. he wouldn’t reach out to you nor your friend to see where you disappeared too.

“why would you let this happen?”

how could your only best friend make it seem like your fault? what did you ever do to deserve such treatment? after a few bitter words said to each other you went to the spare room slamming the door shut. back hitting the wall and sliding down while letting out a few sobs that had been desperate to escape. how did your perfect world crumble this way and why did it happen?

jiyong had finally agreed to meet with you at the park that he always brought you too on dates. maybe being there—such a special and intimate place would help the both of you out. wrong. you stared at him in disbelief unable to comprehend what he was saying to you. he wore his usual outfits that made him pop out in the crowd, blue? minty? whatever color hair that was.. made him look even more handsome. how was that possible? his eyes never met yours and he picked at the chipping paint on his nails. you didn’t dare to step any closer to him not at such a time like this.

“I’m not in love with you anymore.”

that sentence made you feel faint. why did it sound so cruel? so dramatic? after he promised to be with you for the rest of your life. the promise ring on your finger felt more taboo than anything at this point and once you reached for it he made eye contact with you, seeing the hurt, the pain, the.. complete loss of life you once had in you. the ring hit the ground with a very faint thud and you finally looked up at him. his eyes weren’t anything like yours filled with tears. he had a blank unreadable expression and it took everything in you not to lunge at him and fight. fight the broken heart you were filling in this moment.

“this is unfair!” the park was empty. most kept to themselves anyway so who would butt into the apparent fight that was happening. your hands pushed his chest as hard as you could and he allowed you to do so. he didn’t say a word and kept his head low.

“how could you do such a thing to me! after everything I’ve done for you and—and I’ve done for your family you turn around and fuck me over?! you told me lie after lie! it’s so unfair jiyong so unfair..”

screaming, pushing, and even punching his chest wasn’t doing anything to him. he wouldn’t say a word to you and it broke your heart even more. how could you love a man so much and not even know he was falling out of love with you? how could this happen! how could.. you let this happen? the words of your best friend stung worse than a bee.

“fuck you kwon jiyong.”

is all you could say to him before you watched him slowly back away from you and the spot he was standing in. how could he leave you in such a terrible situation? falling to your knees—you gripped a handful of grass and pulled it from the ground throwing it towards the spot he once stood in. what you didn’t know is that was the last time you’d ever see him again.

[arundolyn]

ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

[chaosandbeyond]

goodbye watcher i guess

[arolesbianism]

Finallly got around to properly designing Demonstrator! She’s silly

[girlboy-frankensteins-monster]

books i read this january:

1. 'station eleven' by emily st. john mandel

5/5 stars — literally so good, such a great start to the year. i loved the writing style and the story and the characters and i am forever grateful to the friend of a friend who kept telling me i should read this because he was totally right and it's so good. definitely recommend this if you like apocalyptic stuff that's more an exploration of humanity than action/thriller

2. 'ghosts: the button house archives' by mathew baynton, simon farnaby, martha howe-douglas, jim howick, laurence rickard and ben willbond

3/5 stars — everything i wanted from a ghosts book tbh, loved getting to hear more about the characters but i would've liked a bit more serious stuff about fanny (this isn't really a criticism just wish there had been because she's such a compelling character to me)

3. 'i am malala' by malala yousafzai

4/5 stars — really good for anyone unfamiliar with pakistani culture and politics to help explain recent history as well as being genuinely very interesting. definitely recommend

4. 'heartstopper: volume 5' by alice oseman

3/5 stars — cute and nice to read as a queer british teenager, i like alice oseman's art a lot and i liked how she approached the topics discussed in it. only 3 stars just because like it doesn't really speak to me personally not because it isn't good or anything

5. 'never let me go' by kazuo ishiguro

4/5 stars — i have a weird relationship with his writing i feel like with both the books i've read by him the endings have just been a bit lacking for me? but not for a reason i can actually define and i still really liked the rest of the book and i really like his writing style as well

6. 'yellowface' by rebecca f. kuang

4/5 stars — not my favourite work by her but i found it really interesting to read. idk it's been quite controversial and i don't think i know enough about the issues discussed in the book to have an opinion but it did make me think about a lot of things i'd never really considered before which was why i found it interesting

7. 'gideon the ninth' by tamsyn muir

5/5 stars — this book was right up my street; i absolutely love gideon and the way the book's written. gideon and harrowhark's relationship was really compelling and i love the concept. if you read this book (please do) i would recommend that you read the glossary before you start the book because i spent at least the first 50 pages with no idea what was going on but after that it was amazing

8. 'the seven husbands of evelyn hugo' by taylor jenkins reid

3/5 stars — kind of just not my thing, sorry to all my friends who love it (none of them are on tumblr lol). i thought it was interesting but it just wasn't really my taste

9. 'tsunami girl' by julian sedgwick and chie kutsuwada

4/5 stars — i definitely didn't expect to enjoy this as much as i did but i actually really liked it the whole way through. the characters were great and i found the romance subplot way more well-written and believable than i expected (this might just be me because i'm a bit weird about reading relationships as romantic in books so a lot of straight romance where they sort of just expect you to pick up on it as romantic purely because it's a boy and a girl comes across as really flat to me and i end up just deciding that they're only friends to me whereas in this book i actually did read their relationship as romantic and wanted them to go out)

10. 'nation' by terry pratchett

5/5 stars — i think this is the first terry pratchett i've read other than good omens and i really, really enjoyed it. it took me a while to get into but i liked the characters and also found the sort-of-romance in this believable which was cool. also just really interesting to be honest, i recommend this as well

[adore-gregor]

study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true

[sysig]

Oh getting very close now, villainy feels right around the corner (Patreon)

[ambersky0319]

I have an art related idea

And like

It's a massive project

But it's broken down into much smaller pieces

Still big tho- I was adding up all the characters and so far I'm at 432 and there's still a lot more I was gonna list

Like. I probably won't do all of them anyways but I want to do them all and I'm very likely to try doing them all

I was planning on getting it done in a year but tbh I don't think it would be done by then- posting anyway would take much longer depending on how frequently I posted

[alexanderwales]

I'm a big fan of wizards-as-programmers, but I think it's so much better when you lean into programming tropes.

A spell the wizard uses to light the group's campfire has an error somewhere in its depths, and sometimes it doesn't work at all. The wizard spends a lot of his time trying to track down the exact conditions that cause the failure.

The wizard is attempting to create a new spell that marries two older spells together, but while they were both written within the context of Zephyrus the Starweaver's foundational work, they each used a slightly different version, and untangling the collisions make a short project take months of work.

The wizard has grown too comfortable reusing old spells, and in particular, his teleportation spell keeps finding its components rearranged and remixed, its parts copied into a dozen different places in the spellbook. This is overall not actually a problem per se, but the party's rogue grows a bit concerned when the wizard's "drying spell" seems to just be a special case of teleportation where you teleport five feet to the left and leave the wetness behind.

A wizard is constantly fiddling with his spells, making minor tweaks and changes, getting them easier to cast, with better effects, adding bells and whistles. The "shelter for the night" spell includes a tea kettle that brings itself to a boil at dawn, which the wizard is inordinately pleased with. He reports on efficiency improvements to the indifference of anyone listening.

A different wizard immediately forgets all details of his spells after he's written them. He could not begin to tell you how any of it works, at least not without sitting down for a few hours or days to figure out how he set things up. The point is that it works, and once it does, the wizard can safely stop thinking about it.

Wizards enjoy each other's company, but you must be circumspect about spellwork. Having another wizard look through your spellbook makes you aware of every minor flaw, and you might not be able to answer questions about why a spell was written in a certain way, if you remember at all.

Wizards all have their own preferences as far as which scripts they write in, the formatting of their spellbook, its dimensions and material quality, and of course which famous wizards they've taken the most foundational knowledge from. The enlightened view is that all approaches have their strengths and weaknesses, but this has never stopped anyone from getting into a protracted argument.

Sometimes a wizard will sit down with an ancient tome attempting to find answers to a complicated problem, and finally find someone from across time who was trying to do the same thing, only for the final note to be "nevermind, fixed it".

[archaeren]

How I learned to write smarter, not harder

(aka, how to write when you're hella ADHD lol)

A reader commented on my current long fic asking how I write so well. I replied with an essay of my honestly pretty non-standard writing advice (that they probably didn't actually want lol) Now I'm gonna share it with you guys and hopefully there's a few of you out there who will benefit from my past mistakes and find some useful advice in here. XD Since I started doing this stuff, which are all pretty easy changes to absorb into your process if you want to try them, I now almost never get writer's block.

The text of the original reply is indented, and I've added some additional commentary to expand upon and clarify some of the concepts.

As for writing well, I usually attribute it to the fact that I spent roughly four years in my late teens/early 20s writing text roleplay with a friend for hours every single day. Aside from the constant practice that provided, having a live audience immediately reacting to everything I wrote made me think a lot about how to make as many sentences as possible have maximum impact so that I could get that kind of fun reaction. (Which is another reason why comments like yours are so valuable to fanfic writers! <3) The other factors that have improved my writing are thus: 1. Writing nonlinearly. I used to write a whole story in order, from the first sentence onward. If there was a part I was excited to write, I slogged through everything to get there, thinking that it would be my reward once I finished everything that led up to that. It never worked. XD It was miserable. By the time I got to the part I wanted to write, I had beaten the scene to death in my head imagining all the ways I could write it, and it a) no longer interested me and b) could not live up to my expectations because I couldn't remember all my ideas I'd had for writing it. The scene came out mediocre and so did everything leading up to it. Since then, I learned through working on VN writing (I co-own a game studio and we have some visual novels that I write for) that I don't have to write linearly. If I'm inspired to write a scene, I just write it immediately. It usually comes out pretty good even in a first draft! But then I also have it for if I get more ideas for that scene later, and I can just edit them in. The scenes come out MUCH stronger because of this. And you know what else I discovered? Those scenes I slogged through before weren't scenes I had no inspiration for, I just didn't have any inspiration for them in that moment! I can't tell you how many times there was a scene I had no interest in writing, and then a week later I'd get struck by the perfect inspiration for it! Those are scenes I would have done a very mediocre job on, and now they can be some of the most powerful scenes because I gave them time to marinate. Inspiration isn't always linear, so writing doesn't have to be either!

Some people are the type that joyfully write linearly. I have a friend like this--she picks up the characters and just continues playing out the next scene. Her story progresses through the entire day-by-day lives of the characters; it never timeskips more than a few hours. She started writing and posting just eight months ago, she's about an eighth of the way through her planned fic timeline, and the content she has so far posted to AO3 for it is already 450,000 words long. But most of us are normal humans. We're not, for the most part, wired to create linearly. We consume linearly, we experience linearly, so we assume we must also create linearly. But actually, a lot of us really suffer from trying to force ourselves to create this way, and we might not even realize it. If you're the kind of person who thinks you need to carrot-on-a-stick yourself into writing by saving the fun part for when you finally write everything that happens before it: Stop. You're probably not a linear writer. You're making yourself suffer for no reason and your writing is probably suffering for it. At least give nonlinear writing a try before you assume you can't write if you're not baiting or forcing yourself into it!! Remember: Writing is fun. You do this because it's fun, because it's your hobby. If you're miserable 80% of the time you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong!

2. Rereading my own work. I used to hate reading my own work. I wouldn't even edit it usually. I would write it and slap it online and try not to look at it again. XD Writing nonlinearly forced me to start rereading because I needed to make sure scenes connected together naturally and it also made it easier to get into the headspace of the story to keep writing and fill in the blanks and get new inspiration. Doing this built the editing process into my writing process--I would read a scene to get back in the headspace, dislike what I had written, and just clean it up on the fly. I still never ever sit down to 'edit' my work. I just reread it to prep for writing and it ends up editing itself. Many many scenes in this fic I have read probably a dozen times or more! (And now, I can actually reread my own work for enjoyment!) Another thing I found from doing this that it became easy to see patterns and themes in my work and strengthen them. Foreshadowing became easy. Setting up for jokes or plot points became easy. I didn't have to plan out my story in advance or write an outline, because the scenes themselves because a sort of living outline on their own. (Yes, despite all the foreshadowing and recurring thematic elements and secret hidden meanings sprinkled throughout this story, it actually never had an outline or a plan for any of that. It's all a natural byproduct of writing nonlinearly and rereading.)

Unpopular writing opinion time: You don't need to make a detailed outline.

Some people thrive on having an outline and planning out every detail before they sit down to write. But I know for a lot of us, we don't know how to write an outline or how to use it once we've written it. The idea of making one is daunting, and the advice that it's the only way to write or beat writer's block is demoralizing. So let me explain how I approach "outlining" which isn't really outlining at all.

I write in a Notion table, where every scene is a separate table entry and the scene is written in the page inside that entry. I do this because it makes writing nonlinearly VASTLY more intuitive and straightforward than writing in a single document. (If you're familiar with Notion, this probably makes perfect sense to you. If you're not, imagine something a little like a more contained Google Sheets, but every row has a title cell that opens into a unique Google Doc when you click on it. And it's not as slow and clunky as the Google suite lol) (Edit from the future: I answered an ask with more explanation on how I use Notion for non-linear writing here.) When I sit down to begin a new fic idea, I make a quick entry in the table for every scene I already know I'll want or need, with the entries titled with a couple words or a sentence that describes what will be in that scene so I'll remember it later. Basically, it's the most absolute bare-bones skeleton of what I vaguely know will probably happen in the story.

Then I start writing, wherever I want in the list. As I write, ideas for new scenes and new connections and themes will emerge over time, and I'll just slot them in between the original entries wherever they naturally fit, rearranging as necessary, so that I won't forget about them later when I'm ready to write them. As an example, my current long fic started with a list of roughly 35 scenes that I knew I wanted or needed, for a fic that will probably be around 100k words (which I didn't know at the time haha). As of this writing, it has expanded to 129 scenes. And since I write them directly in the page entries for the table, the fic is actually its own outline, without any additional effort on my part. As I said in the comment reply--a living outline!

This also made it easier to let go of the notion that I had to write something exactly right the first time. (People always say you should do this, but how many of us do? It's harder than it sounds! I didn't want to commit to editing later! I didn't want to reread my work! XD) I know I'm going to edit it naturally anyway, so I can feel okay giving myself permission to just write it approximately right and I can fix it later. And what I found from that was that sometimes what I believed was kind of meh when I wrote it was actually totally fine when I read it later! Sometimes the internal critic is actually wrong. 3. Marinating in the headspace of the story. For the first two months I worked on [fic], I did not consume any media other than [fandom the fic is in]. I didn't watch, read, or play anything else. Not even mobile games. (And there wasn't really much fan content for [fandom] to consume either. Still isn't, really. XD) This basically forced me to treat writing my story as my only source of entertainment, and kept me from getting distracted or inspired to write other ideas and abandon this one.

As an aside, I don't think this is a necessary step for writing, but if you really want to be productive in a short burst, I do highly recommend going on a media consumption hiatus. Not forever, obviously! Consuming media is a valuable tool for new inspiration, and reading other's work (both good and bad, as long as you think critically to identify the differences!) is an invaluable resource for improving your writing.

When I write, I usually lay down, close my eyes, and play the scene I'm interested in writing in my head. I even take a ten-minute nap now and then during this process. (I find being in a state of partial drowsiness, but not outright sleepiness, makes writing easier and better. Sleep helps the brain process and make connections!) Then I roll over to the laptop next to me and type up whatever I felt like worked for the scene. This may mean I write half a sentence at a time between intervals of closed-eye-time XD

People always say if you're stuck, you need to outline.

What they actually mean by that (whether they realize it or not) is that if you're stuck, you need to brainstorm. You need to marinate. You don't need to plan what you're doing, you just need to give yourself time to think about it!

What's another framing for brainstorming for your fic? Fantasizing about it! Planning is work, but fantasizing isn't.

You're already fantasizing about it, right? That's why you're writing it. Just direct that effort toward the scenes you're trying to write next! Close your eyes, lay back, and fantasize what the characters do and how they react.

And then quickly note down your inspirations so you don't forget, haha.

And if a scene is so boring to you that even fantasizing about it sucks--it's probably a bad scene.

If it's boring to write, it's going to be boring to read. Ask yourself why you wanted that scene. Is it even necessary? Can you cut it? Can you replace it with a different scene that serves the same purpose but approaches the problem from a different angle? If you can't remove the troublesome scene, what can you change about it that would make it interesting or exciting for you to write?

And I can't write sitting up to save my damn life. It's like my brain just stops working if I have to sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen. I need to be able to lie down, even if I don't use it! Talking walks and swinging in a hammock are also fantastic places to get scene ideas worked out, because the rhythmic motion also helps our brain process. It's just a little harder to work on a laptop in those scenarios. XD

In conclusion: Writing nonlinearly is an amazing tool for kicking writer's block to the curb. There's almost always some scene you'll want to write. If there isn't, you need to re-read or marinate.

Or you need to use the bathroom, eat something, or sleep. XD Seriously, if you're that stuck, assess your current physical condition. You might just be unable to focus because you're uncomfortable and you haven't realized it yet.

Anyway! I hope that was helpful, or at least interesting! XD Sorry again for the text wall. (I think this is the longest comment reply I've ever written!)

And same to you guys on tumblr--I hope this was helpful or at least interesting. XD Reblogs appreciated if so! (Maybe it'll help someone else!)

[orbitganymede]

baby daddy simon who dated you for a year before you got pregnant, you’d gone through most of the pregnancy alone, him being deployed 3 weeks after you found out and gone until the very last month of it. the both of you had tried at keeping the relationship together, but the distance and loneliness got to you, you’d been fine when it was just you but now with baby, you can’t let the father go in and out of their life. he wasn’t very happy with the decision to end your relationship, in his mind you were together forever now, tied together by this beautiful thing you two created, he didn’t even want children before you told him you were expecting but his whole world view changed when he realized that he not only had you to protect but a baby as well.

but you’d moved out against his wishes, finding a small flat you like and making it home for you and baby. he would come over sometimes, when he could, and spend some time with baby but honestly he felt more like some glorified uncle, would be convinced he was nothing to this child until he saw those brown eyes staring back at him, the ones that are so completely his, and he comes to the conclusion that this isn’t gonna work.

he starts small, coming over once a week instead of every other weekend, takes the two of you out for dinner instead of letting you cook or ordering in. stays late enough that you offer him the spare bed in the guest room, even with the distance you’ve put between yourselves, you can’t help but care for him, knowing nobody else will.

then he puts more pressure on you, making sure you see just how valuable he is, taking night shift feedings and waking up early with baby when they’re fussy. he offers to take baby for the night so you can go out with your friends, do things you haven’t been able to since baby’s arrival, even pays for a spa day for you to really relax. he stocks your fridge, full of the snacks you love and a bottle of wine for the hard nights. he buys and sets up new decor in the house, finally gets you the pretty white vanity and a new washing machine that doesn’t squeak. he really just does what he considers ‘husband duties’, things that he should have been doing this whole time.

and when you don’t budge on the separation, he goes nuclear, “no, love, i haven’t seen your birth control pills”, “look how cute this baby is, remember when ours was that small, sweetheart”, “you’re so stressed darling, let me help you” which basically means you end up getting rawdogged within an inch of your life, condom long forgotten, one of simons hands held over your mouth to muffle the sounds you’re making. he just hopes he’d tracked your cycle right, that you’re actually ovulating, because you can’t possible refuse his ring after having two of his babies right? you wouldn’t do that to him, would you pet?

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

personally I think it’s a shame how fandoms “died” too soon these days. I’m not talking in literal sense and I know there are people who stay passionate about their fandoms long after the hype is gone. I’m talking about the “popularity” and how people in general engage with a piece of media they like and how fast they let the hype die down? I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but what I’m trying to say is a fanfic or a fan art of a show that is recently released will get tons of likes, comments, reblogs which is great. but the engagement for fan made content about that same show usually drops drastically — and I mean drastically — once the show is no longer “recent”. and I’m not even talking about when the show is several years old. because you can see the significant drop of engagement a fanfic or fan art about that show receives once the show is like a month old or two. it’s discouraging how most people tend to lose interest and stop engaging with fanfic / fan art once its source material is no longer “new and shiny”.

especially when writing fanfics and creating fan art take time. writers and artists often receive less engagement / appreciation for their works if they take “too long” to create and the source material is no longer “new and shiny” and so people move on to something else that’s new and shiny. it’s heartbreaking to see.

obviously this is in no way to manipulate or guilt trip people into engaging with anything. because yeah you can do whatever you want. this isn’t to force, manipulate or guilt trip anyone into liking or reblogging a fan work or anything. this is just me hoping people will one day take things slower and enjoy things they’re passionate about longer like how we used to in the past.

[astronomalyy]

Thinking about the lifespans of Dungeon Meshi elves... The fact that they're completely unnatural alters my brain chemistry, because you can tell just how haphazardly the demon implemented their wish. They live five times the length of tall-men, so they age at a fifth of their rate. It's simple maths and the implications are terrifying. No wonder their birth rate and population are declining - their early development is so slow that at the age of two, they're still unable to stand.

They don't reach adulthood until their eighties. What does the infant mortality look like? How many elves succumb to illness or injury before they're fully mature? It only takes one accident to lose the child you've been raising for decades - and could you bring yourself to care for another? Add to that the implication elf culture has no idea how to process grief... just look at the way the Canaries treat Rin after the death of her parents. They're callous and insensitive and detached - part of that's racism, but there's also an element of pure cold ignorance. They don't even recognise the emotion on her face.

And that's just scratching the surface... does elven memory accommodate their extended lifespan? Once you reach two hundred or so, do the years start blurring together? Kabru mentions that their temporal awareness is remarkably poor.

Two years feel like a few months. Their lives are longer but not fuller. They're older but not wiser than the short-lived races, and most refuse to understand this. Those that do grasp it are interesting - namely Otta, who's ostracised for pursuing half-foot women.

A 30-year old elf is a young child; a 30-year old half-foot has entered middle age. Otta is in the equivalent of her late twenties. She knows that her elven lifespan makes her no more mature than a half-foot - but she also acknowledges that it creates a rift between herself and her partners, and not just in the eyes of society. 'She dumps them as soon as they pass 30', but probably not for the reasons Lycion assumes. For this to be a pattern, decades must have passed - it's possible Otta doesn't want to watch them die as she herself barely ages. No doubt some of her previous lovers have already passed away. In the end, all living 400 years accomplishes is leaving them out of sync with the rest of humanity.

Marcille's perhaps the best example. As a half-elf, she's got 95% of her life ahead and the thought terrifies her. She's going to lose everyone she loves, over and over and over again, and this cycle has barely even started. She runs at a different pace. This context adds so much to her dynamic with Falin in earlier chapters.

Marcille loves her! She's scared for her! Maybe even of her! She's grown attached to a short-lived girl who she met as a kid when Marcille was a teaching assistant! Biologically and developmentally, they're the same age, but chronologically she's twice as old as Falin! Considering what happened to her mother, is history repeating itself? Her feelings towards Falin are tangled and messy and fascinating. They're also more than a little homoerotic, which makes Marcille's infantilization of her friend all the more interesting. It feels like her way of resolving their power imbalance, of remaining a responsible (former!) authority figure... but it's also a coping mechanism. She's frightened by the ways Falin is maturing and changing - aging - and keeping her mental image of her friend as young as possible is her way of denying the march of time that's destined to sever their bond.

Marcille's dream of lifespan extension would remove the need for this obfuscation, render them equal... only, they already are! This desire is imposed onto Falin, but it's primarily for Marcille's benefit. Watching her fight for a world nobody wants, for reasons both selfish and altruistic... it's as tragic as it is understandable. I love this manga.