#suicide attempt but not really

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[sad-leon]

TW Suicide Attempt

we all talk about him portal chopping an arm off but,,, it would be so easy. so quick

KoFi || Patreon

[factual-fantasy]

Okay so I did some research on Seam and realized that it would be a crime to not add him to my AU in someway where him and Jevil reconcile and they escape to the multiverse together and are free and they're best friends and- 😭😭😭

I had a dark story all thought up for this but half way through drawing I changed the story so this isn't really canon anymore?? Or it might be idk- my Deltarune AU is only a few days into development so its constantly changing <XDD Sorry-

If anyone's interested in the story I've got it below the Keep reading :}} (Fair warning, its rather dark and disturbing..)

TLDR: This story is super dark and interesting to me but it might not be canon XD

ANYWAYS! The story behind this was Jevil and Seam come from a very dark and corrupt AU. Ruled by an even darker and wicked King (Lancers dad). In this AU they were Kings royal Magician and Jester as per usual. They were best friends though and preformed these beautiful displays of magic together. Side by side, hand in hand. They were best friends for years and always dreamed of one day running away together and finding a safe place to live.

Eventually Jevil met someone. Someone who spoke of a way to leave this place. They spoke of walking through your own reflection. And if done right, one could leave their AU entirely.. Jevil believed them out of desperation and tried to tell Seam about it. Seam thought Jevil was losing his mind. Walking through your own reflection? That makes no sense..

King caught wind of them plotting to escape. And as punishment to both of them he commanded Seam to lock Jevil away using his own magic.

In Seams eyes, Jevil was his best friend. His brother, the only thing in this world that he could trust. But he was more afraid of what King would do to him or Jevil for disobeying him, then he was willing to stand up against him. So while believing Jevil was sick in the head and needed help, he acted out of cowardice and sealed Jevil away..

I'm thinking that eventually sometime later, Jevil is able to escape through his own reflection. A mirror. And either he goes back and sees Seam dressed in these beautiful robes and thinks "well the king must be treating him well. Guess I'll just leave him to reap the benefits of betraying me.. >:(" And leaves with a bitter heart. THAT, or he just left. Never going back to check on Seam or see if King was treating him well or not.

So the AU continues. With Jevil traveling from world to world, meeting new people and learning new things.. When eventually he's with the whole gang and they're all sitting in a restaurant or something.

When Jevil suddenly feels this overwhelming sense of doom. Something horrible is about to happen to Seam. He just knows it, its in his bones. Deep within his soul he can feel it. He knows- he needs to save him.

He falls back out of his chair into a mirror and heads straight for his old AU. Showing up just in time to stop Seam from.. well..

They end up talking. Turns out that after Jevil was imprisoned, Seam tried to sneak down to the basement and visit him. He wanted to apologize for imprisoning him and explain himself- but he was caught by King.

"I just wanted to see him!"

"For that I will take your eye."

"NO! Please don't take my eye!!"

"For talking back, I will take your voice too."

King took Seams eye and stitched his mouth shut. He could still talk but not very well. To make things worse, when Jevil escaped? Seam thought he had died. Why wouldn't he? His magical barrier was never broken and Jevil was gone. Surly he must have died somehow.. Meanwhile everyone else was under the impression that Seam let Jevil escape because they were friends.

Seam then suffered greatly for years as punishment for "letting Jevil escape". He was bound by these magical chains made by King. He was abused for years and at this point he had enough. But before he could do anything rash.. Jevil returned.

Jevil then felt the sinking horror realizing that he left Seam alone in this world to be abused by King. He abandoned him. After all those years of promising to one day run away together..

Seam betrayed Jevil, and Jevil abandoned Seam.

After realizing all of this and having a long emotional talk. Seam and Jevil deeply apologized to the other, and forgave each other. Marking the beginning of their new friendship. And despite Seam feeling like he doesn't deserve freedom, he agreed to run away with Jevil and finally be free with him.

~~~~

Now this story is super cool and morbid and all but now I'm questioning the story and wether or not I want it to be canon <XD

I have some other ideas that I really like too and this one is just a biiiiit dark... ish. I mean I've made worse- but idk I guess this one just has a bad taste to it..

I also like the idea that Seam has been with Jevil this whole time and was the first person he saved. Which motivated him to try and save other people and give them the same freedom that he gave to Seam. But then that would change the Grillby fight and Spamton situation a bit and also maybe effect the Goner kid situation- GAH!! I'll figure it out eventually- <XDD

I hope this wasn't too hard to stomach and if you read all the way through I thank you :}} 💖

[biruesque]

one time i dreamt i was the second mind in the body of a girl. i couldn't control her, only watch her thoughts, feelings, and memories. i woke up when she died of suicide. if my dream diary clearly says i was her, why do i really feel like we're two different people?

[serpentface]

This image had a far superior, silly first draft that I kind of wish I went with instead

[brainrotcharacters]

What do you mean "Odysseus, get away from the ledge" 😃

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

okay so. like. wan ed 12. dazai is stopped by a log in the river and starts actually drowning. funny haha wan bit.

but repeating something ive said (hi haven) i think this is actually a really good example for how ada dazai doesn't really want to kill himself. he could've actually drowned here. thats his 'goal' right? but the moment it starts happening he's trying to get his head back above water.

"I thought I was dead"

hilariously wet and horrified or not he obviously didn't want to die here. theres nobody around to hear what he said anymore anyway. and that's why, despite being yk... a wan ending animation? i still think this is such like. a case in point.

[theghostofashton]

that look on tk's face when he's looking around the fully furnished loft for the first time is just so. there's so much in it. later eps really contextualize how truly in awe he is, like there's this genuine shock that he gets to have this, that it's his. and it feels like it runs so deep, not just his love for the loft as a dream place to live with carlos, but also..... this is his home. this is a home he didn't think he'd ever get to have, a life he didn't think he'd ever get to live.

i just keep on thinking about 19 or 20 year old tk who was battling addiction and working as a firefighter and trying to feel close to his dad again, who probably thought that that was all there was. who didn't know what his future held but probably figured it wouldn't be good because he didn't deserve for it to be. and i can imagine him thinking about that tk too, as he's looking around the home that he now owns, the life he gets to build with someone who loves him deeper than he's ever been loved before. being so awed, so overwhelmed, that seven, eight years later, this is his. he gets to have this.

[autumnteawithfriends]

WARNING: This post contains grooming, guilt tripping, suicide attempts, talks of Self Harm, threats of SA to a minor, and mentions of animal death

Hello, if any of you are reading this, then I’m here to say that I highly recommend blocking this cunt on Twitter

To those who are wondering, this deplorable bitch has groomed my friend @cagneyblooms (Vriska is 18 and Cagney is 15) and Vriska has guilt tripped Cagney by threatening to send her cutting pictures

(The pink/purple text is my friend Cagney)

Vriska has also encouraged her to commit suicide by listing methods Cagney could do

Vriska has also threatened to kill her own perfectly healthy animals and told Cagney it

Vriska has also talked about murdering her on one of her many termed Tumblr accounts

However, me and some of Cagney’s friends weren’t going to let this bitch keep doing this to Cagney, so we sent her anonymous hate mail (I couldn’t screenshot theirs, but here’s one of mine)

(Also I do not give a shit if you give me smack for this, Vriska is a fucking terrible person)

Cagney has also informed me that after this, Vriska had tried to threaten me with SA before her account got termed

All I have to say is that how fucking pathetic are you to the point of threatening to send one of your “friends” after me. Keep in mind, I am a minor and I’m the same age as Cagney (15)

Vriska is also extremely racist because look at this shit she made

This speaks for itself, and something that also makes it worse is the shade of color she specifically used for the skin

It’s fucking dark muddy orange/yellow

So to conclude this, fuck Vriska, I hope she gets terminated and eventually sent to jail. If you or any of your friends see any account of hers. Block and report it

As a bonus, here’s my response to her on her brand new Twitter account before I blocked her

(EDIT: I made a continuation post right here)

[coffeebanana]

Fic Summary:

"Adrien's in the hospital." Woken in the dead of night by a series of frantic phone calls, Marinette finds herself confronted with one of her worst fears. Next thing she knows, she's boarding a bus from New York to Montreal instead of flying home for winter break, contemplating how's she's going to navigate living with Adrien—who definitely wants nothing to do with her since the break up—for the indefinite future. Adrien just wants to find the energy to convince Marinette he's fine—that she can leave. Because having her here hurts too much, and he's better off alone. At least, that's what he tells himself. They're an ocean away from home, stuck together in a one-bedroom apartment, in a city suffocated by snow. The distance between them has never felt so insurmountable. But maybe there's hope after all.

[ancientbygone]

the way that you were

[ghostcradle]

the funny thing is the protesters don't even really beat roman up. the ones he actively antagonizes after jumping the barrier shove him out of the way and i think one of them spits at him (or hits him in the eye) but most of the people there try to avoid him and two of them try to help him up after he falls but he shoves them off. it really was just roman curled in a ball on the ground hoping someone would kick him

[forever-fan]

The Crowning Trials of the Dead

I've been away a while, but I just had an idea. This is angsty and has warnings in the tags. The loyalty the Fenton siblings have for each other makes me so happy. (This is supposed to be for an AU where stuff happened, so now Jazz and Danny live alone together.)

Imagine there are three things a ghost must do to be King/Queen/Ruler of the Infinite Realms. It isn't just "Beat your predecessor and you're good to go!" Nonononononono! That would be too simple! That is only the first of the Crowning Trials. There are two more!

The Third Crowning Trial is the Crowning itself. You have to state your honest intentions and petition your worthiness in front of the Ancients before the crown is placed on your head. If you are not worthy, the crown burns you to nothingness. If you are, it changes to reflect your core and obsession. (I headcanon that it's only called "The Crown of Fire" because it belonged to Pariah by technicality for a very long time. It would change once Danny earns it. It's proper name is The Crown of the Dead.)

The only real issue Danny would have would be the Second Crowning Trial. This is where the heavy angst comes in. The Second Crowning Trial is to wear the Ring of Rage, which imbues the wearer with nearly uncontrollable anger, and not lash out within the period between an equinox and the following solstice or between a solstice and the following equinox.

This would be taxing and almost impossible, and to add some stakes to the plot, let's say the Ancients tell Danny that if he doesn't do it and pass, the crown automatically falls back to the previous king, Pariah Dark.

Danny does the trial and struggles hard. By the time the trial is over, Danny has succeeded, but at a cost. He takes off the ring and feels emotions that had previously been snuffed out by anger. He doesn't know what to do, so he shuts them out, too.

Jazz is appalled by the change in her brother and tries every bit of psychological advice she can. Nothing works. This drives her to do something impossibly reckless, she attempts self-d!e in front of her brother.

This finally snaps him out of it and forces Danny to face his fear and desperation as he rushes to stop Jazz's bleeding. He cries and feels anger bubble up. He lashes out and yells at Jazz in the heat of the moment. Danny recoils, realizing he let his anger get the better of him, but... Jazz smiles. She's crying, too, but not just from pain. She's... relieved.

Once Jazz isn't actively dying, she and Danny have a serious conversation. They talk for a long time, and Jazz reassures Danny over and over again that it is okay to feel emotions and the Third Crowning Trial was only supposed to teach him to control them better. He was not supposed to bury them and become an unfeeling thing.

When Clockwork shows up out of the blue to confirm this observation, Jazz socks him and yells at him for breaking her brother. This gets a tired chuckle from Danny. From there, Jazz works to help her brother readjust to his emotions and teaches him ways to acknowledge them without hurting others. It takes a long time for Danny to fully recover. It all ended up okay, but it certainly wasn't a fun ride.

But yeah, that was my angsty idea. I feel like the actual Crowning can only take place on either the birthday or deathday of the person trying to become King/Queen/Ruler of the Infinite Realms.

Anygays, I'm going to crawl back into my hole and hibernate for a while again. Ciao!

[frootbyethefoot]

thinking about this little steam blurb with actual mouthwashing context now. some men can't even kill themselves properly...

[a-dotrivenitupontop]

ok but if in the original script adam was suicidal,,, how do you think john knew that? like aside from maybe a general air of apathy it’s not like he’s waving around a flag that says ‘I WANNA KILL MYSELF’ in rainbow glitter pen font size 100. and if we count the deleted adam and amanda scene from saw iii as canon who says he wasn’t being that friendly and kind to strangers in his everyday life? so you have this guy who’s nice to random people he meets in public and is probably definitely NOT talking about his emotions to his friends (look at scott tibbs and tell me adam would be able to express his feelings without being called a faggot. like it’s the 2000s babygirl!). and now we have this man (known for frequenting the hospital) who just,, *knows* that adam’s suicidal. like. chat. it’s probably not that deep. but. ouwgh.

[fridayiminlovemp3]

i hatttttteeeee when i reference some stupid internet joke irl that i assume everyone knows about and people don’t get it and i’m like oh never mind lol!!! and they make me explain it 💔😞 and now i just sound crazy like if you don’t know who dan and phil are i can’t explain to you the significance of them being at the fall out boy concert and if i try i’m gonna sound crazier