#wow i need to go back to therapy

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[satans-knitwear]

U cant hurt me, im wearing armour. 😎

Treat me ~ Tip me

[pocket-deer-boy]

i just realized it's been a year and two months since i originally asked for therapy and i'm still not getting therapy. normal country

[ratcandy]

grounding techniques sound like such bs until you’re actually in the thick of it and suddenly find yourself counting shit you can touch and hear n etc and suddenly it’s like oh ok. Horrors are done

[tollsoftheclockwerkbelle]

can we get a movie about tigeress alone and unpack all of that please

[hamishcat437]

Love when people who don't have memory issues get mad at me and tell me to "just stop forgetting things". Like wow!!! Why didn't I think of that!!!!! Really helpful and insightful advice right there!!!!

[sacredpit]

while i’m tekkenposting i get jinhwoa isn’t like the softest uwu fluffy ship out there but does every single fic have to be gut-wrenching angst like do u people rlly not see any happiness for them at all

[lazymilkshakeyy]

nothing like rushing to do a week’s worth of work an hour before it’s due

[midwestblue]

it feels like my life begins and ends in my childhood home, in my childhood room. Reliving the same couple moments over and over and over. It's been nearly 10 years. I kept telling myself I'll move on eventually, I'll keep going, but truthfully ive been stuck in that room for so so long. Longer than I realized, it seems. I guess I didn't notice how I actually haven't moved on, ive been trapped for half my life in that fucking room going through the same abuse that I went through when I was a little child. I dont want to do this anymore. I've wasted my life away. I want to be able to move past the memories, I want to live my life in the moment. I dont understand why its so hard for me, I dont understand why it took me so long to realize that no, most people DONT think about something terrible that happened to them ~10 years ago everyday of their lives! No, most people dont have panic attacks about it so often that they dont even realize its a panic attack anymore. It just feels normal. No thats not fucking normal!! idk why it took me such a long time to figure out its fucking ptsd I just didnt want to believe it. what I went through wasn't even bad. other people have gone through so much worse and never turned out as bad as me. why did i? why am i weak? how did I not know why didnt i want to accept it. I can't ignore it. I've been trying to pretend this is normal half my life! what the fuck !! I look at my parents and I think do you remember? do you remember what you did to me? do you think about it every day? because I do. I cant fucking leave that godawful room. girlies I dont think I can lie anymore I am not normal‼️

[llycaons]

I apparently need to be watching three shows at any time so im on the sopranos now

[floral-hex]

The growing anxiety of realizing that I’m running out of time to text my dad happy father’s day 😬

[cementcornfield]

oh no too many youtuber thoughts under the cut (football followers look away)

ok but like….matt and ryan STILL don’t have a contract setting any terms between them. 7 years later!!! after all the shit that went down with Jackson, they finally set some up with their employees, but it never even occurred to them to set something up between themselves in case anything goes down. because they trust and love each other that much and they’re so dumb, they’re SO STUPID and BAD at business, but it’s still so ridiculously CHARMING that they care about and rely on each other and never could imagine one of them fucking over the other. like 7 years later, 8 years of friendship, and so much has gone wrong and so many terrible things have happened - things that were their fault and things that weren’t - and their friendship only seems like it’s growing stronger every day. like how??? how did they end up so lucky to find each other in all the chaos of what went down 8 years ago. when they were 2 hours apart their whole lives and even had mutual friends but still never knew each other until they were on the other side of the country and they just clicked and that was it. ugh i have so many criticisms of them and they still annoy me to death half the time i tune in but they love each other and that’s what i’m here for and i’ll bounce around from fandom to fandom and tune out and back in but i really do think as long as they are still the most important people in each others lives and they make content that lets us into that world even a little then it’s like yeah ok i guess i’m stuck here!! but anyways they really should sign a contract, these absolute idiots. 

[grimmthorne]

i need to go back to the counseling center so bad because there's no way that I can go on like this 😁

[beelzlikes]

Fuck I'm pathetic. I'm so angry at myself. I want to destroy something beautiful, and my heart screams that I know it's wrong, that I'm just jealous.

Well I'd really like to be over it now. I'm tired of putting words in people's mouths. I'm tired of constantly thinking people hate me. I've become what I've never wanted to be, and I've hurt people in the process. Innocent people who didn't deserve to be hurt.

And then I type my emotions out on here and pretend no one reads them. Because if I say I'm on the brink of killing myself, and no one says anything, well that's just because nobody read it. It's not that they DID read it and decide they wouldn't say anything, that would be worse to imagine, so I don't imagine it. I imagine I'm alone. That no one is listening. Better to be ignored than to realize they ACTUALLY don't care.

And let's face it, you'd push them away too. No one wants to FIGHT someone for their love. It's not playing hard to get, it's being outright hostile towards people who approach you.

I can't go back. I've made my decisions. I can cry like a baby all I want. I just want it to be over now. I... don't want to be alone. But I've learned that is what I deserve.

"You don't honestly think they invited you over JUST for your company!"

Yes, Mother, you're right. I should have known better. Next time I'll bring cookies or chips or pop or something. To prove that I'm worth inviting over, that I actually bring something to the table.

"I hope you realize how selfish you're being."

Yes Dad, I do. Coming out as gay was devastating for you, I know. It was the first sign that signaled your long-term investment was going sour. I'll remember to never bring up my sexuality with you ever again.

"Hey Mom, do you ever... just... feel like... crying?" "Well of course I do, son, but I don't go around TELLING people about it."

Oh... okay... I just uh... I won't mention it again then. Sorry for bringing it up.

"Hey Dad sorry about my breakdown, thanks for lending me money and letting me stay at your house." "I'm just so disappointed in you, it's been three weeks and you still don't have a job. I have a plan for my life, Vincent, and it doesn't involve taking care of YOU!"

I... didn't realize... I was just trying to get better and... yeah, okay... find a job... move out... be independent... no one is going to help you... you have to do it all on your own.

If you can't, you're a failure and deserve the ridicule of those who come to rescue you. If they come at all.

What good are parents? You're just an investment for them for when they get old, they have someone obligated to take care of them. What good are friends? All they want is whatever they can get out of you, and if you can't provide you might as well not be there.

What good is love? All it does is cloud my judgement and make me say and do stupid things. It's a dagger slipped into my side, between the ribs, and you can't help but touch it, feel its sting, remember it's still there lodged in deep.

I want a lobotomy. I want to be nothing. I want my outside demeanor to match my inside demeanor so that nobody gets fooled again into thinking I'm a real person. I'm not real. I'm not actually here.

I'm just a ghost that haunts the living.

[devotedlystrangewizard]

devastating how leaving one's abusers doesnt immediately cure them of all trauma

[foolishjellyfish]

brain been through a lot lately. most recent therapy = difficult truths. important blah blah blah but I’m in that processing state and it’s lots of grumpy grump moments