#wow i need to go back to therapy

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[satans-knitwear]

U cant hurt me, im wearing armour. 😎

Treat me ~ Tip me

[pocket-deer-boy]

i just realized it's been a year and two months since i originally asked for therapy and i'm still not getting therapy. normal country

[teethpaste]

It’s so weird how the body will try and protect you like. I am incapable of feeling grief right now. I know it will hit me like a fucking Mac truck in about a month

When I was here in Ireland in July thinking my grandma had days to live, because the doctors told us so, and urged everyone stateside to drop what they were doing and come to Ireland for goodbyes, I was torn up. I was the first one here because I was already in Dublin on business and luckily my job just let me work from Ireland for about 2 months. So that happened. But then she got palliative chemo, and somehow here she is, 5 months later, against the odds in stage 4 lung cancer. I can tell she is so tired. I feel like she was holding on for this holiday and that as soon as I leave Ireland come December 29, it’s going to happen quickly. Which I hate to even write into existence, but sometimes, you just feel it.

And I hope it doesn’t. But I also don’t want her to be in pain. Chemo ravages the body. Her last treatment was over a month ago but the cancer has spread through her whole body and it is wearing her down. She went from still bartending at 77 and going out with her friends weekly + walking the 2 mile trek into town everyday, to finding out she a tumor overtaking her right lung (completely collapsed at this point) from years of smoking. I was sitting with her at the table the other night before I went to the pub, painting her nails, and she asked “can we talk about something morbid”

Things hardly feel morbid these days. So I tell her yes, of course. I feel like I have this desensitized view around death now. Or I’m numb to it. Like my body remembers watching my dad die and is like HEY ITS FINE, don’t be sad in the moment. Because you can’t be. You have things to do. Then you can cave in on yourself.

Anyways, when I told her sure we can, she then got embarasssd and I had to beg a little for her to tell me . She then says “right. Because I know you’ll have the energy to handle”. She just tells me how she wants to be presented for her wake. No makeup, but make sure her eyebrows are done. Hair with a bandana. Jean shirt. Nails painted. Cowboy boots on that she never got to wear in Vegas this year. She starts telling me about where jewelry is and what she wants in a service. I listen and file it away.

I still think I’m stuck on “because you’ll have the energy to handle”. I think about when my dad died, my mom and sister were inconsolable. About how it happened so quickly and we as humans make it very complicated. Do you know how hard it is to transfer a body across state lines? The hospital doesn’t tell you what to do. I had to google so many funeral homes that morning. I think about those people too. The sanitized nature of conversations. The first place I called didnt say any niceties. They immediately went to prices so I hung up. Second place was more of the same and the third place asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to share anything about him. So I went with them. My dad didn’t leave a will so I had to pull the trigger on weather to cremate or bury. I went with the former and was sick for months thinking I made the wrong choice but one day a few months ago my mom found a random letter he wrote, tossed behind his living room chair, where he noted cremation was a better option bc of the $ and finally that guilt left me.

Did you know that when you list you’re an organ donor on your license, they have to call the family? And when they call, there is light elevator music playing in the background, and mere hours after your person dies, a woman with a nasally voice will calmly ask, “May we take his skin and eyes?” I felt like I was in a cronenberg movie. I remember being so shocked at the matter of factness of the question. Being disturbed but thankful neither my mom or sister were doing this part. I remember saying “why would you want that, do you know how he died? How are those parts even usable” and she paused . And “hmm’d” and as she began to speak I said “no we won’t be donating”.

Anyways. I’m trying to be present while I’m here in Ireland for the holidays. I want to cry but I can’t. This is the last time Christmas will feel like Christmas. I’ve never much liked the holiday. But after my dad died I’ve hated thanksgiving and Christmas even more. Being with my grandma here in Ireland makes it feel like that “magic” is still there a little. But I know it will be completely gone by this time next year and I hate that.

I also worry bout my mom and how she’s taking it. She lost her dad in 2023, her husband in 2024 and now her mom’s dying. That’s how it goes I guess. I stayed in tonight but she went out to the pubs with her friends and came home absolutely trashed. She made it up the stairs before I heard her start violently vomiting. It’s always strange when you switch places with your folks. I took off her clothes and got her changed into Pjs. Brought her water and crackers. She laid with her head in my lap as I stared at the wall. Being around this kind of stuff always makes me wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. Like the fact that when I’m her age, and my grandmas age, I’ll effectively be alone. Like yes there are friends etc but I won’t have children or grand children. Just makes me feel weird.

Anyways now it’s 6 in the morning and I’m going on a run in the 22 degree morning air. Bye bye.

[ratcandy]

grounding techniques sound like such bs until you’re actually in the thick of it and suddenly find yourself counting shit you can touch and hear n etc and suddenly it’s like oh ok. Horrors are done

[arvoze]

do the beast dungeon protags have names? I noticed you only tag them by their species (I want to know more about them smiles)

unfortunately I took this and ran with it as a summary instead of "yeah this is their names"

yes! well, half and half. sudowoodo is quite literally just called sudowoodo, but the nuzleaf is called locke! every now and then, some of my pokemon just don't receive names, because nothing seems to fit in my head (and I like to think that some pokemon just don't feel obligated to go by any particular name). locke is named after, well, i'm sure you can figure that out (nuzlockes LOL)

their team is called "two guys", cuz they're two guys. despite this, they'll eventually recruit fries (zigzagoon, she/her), unnamed veluza (might just be called veluza, undetermined pronouns) & unnamed geodude (she/her). they rarely work as a full team (locke fucking hates everybody), they're more of just A Group (the "team" is still sudolocke, others just tag along or split off). they all live in the same kind of vicinity and all have a similar life goal/interest: some kind of life involving pursuing... flower maintenance. of some kind.

the above is primarily sudowoodo's dream. he wants to find a legendary seed and grow a legendary tree/flower, and deal with everything else along the way; he doesn't go into dungeons to rescue people (that's a plus), he's solely focused on his own personal task. locke has absolutely no goals and aspirations, originally sticking around sudowoodo after hearing about his goals because he thought it was *so* stupid, that he just had to be there to watch sudowoodo fail (in actuality, he had absolutely nothing going on in his life. it's true he followed sudowoodo just to mock him and piss him off, but locke ended up becoming genuinely attached, fully taking on sudowoodo's dream as his own. though he would never admit to any of this to anyone other than sudowoodo lol)

the pair are yaoiful in a situationship kind of way. like they're in love but they're uncertain about it and neither of them would necessarily call eachother boyfriends/say "i love you" all that often if at all/so on so forth. everyone around them just assumes they've got something weird going on. genuinely have no idea how to describe how these two feel about eachother LMAO

(fries just thinks a place full of flowers is Cool, veluza would like a chill place to finally relax that will also be considerate of fish mons, geodude herself has plants and moss growing on her head so seeing other mons dedicate their time towards nurturing a space like this has her wanting to get involved as much as possible; this curated space is like a home to all five of them. the intent is for it to be a pretty decently-sized place they'll all come to manage, kind of eventually becoming like a flower garden/nature reserve/all that)

unfortunately things turn a bit south when sudowoodo & locke end up in silverwood tangle (forest), a wrong place wrong time situation. this becomes the introduction of beast dungeons themselves (mystery dungeons helmed by ultra beasts). this is where the meat of everything begins which i won't get into here because i've already rambled overtime but SHDHDGSGF i know people are typically around for VV and not DC:BD (bluesky feed numbers are a big tell of this), but they're my silly guys and i like em :-]

[tollsoftheclockwerkbelle]

can we get a movie about tigeress alone and unpack all of that please

[hamishcat437]

Love when people who don't have memory issues get mad at me and tell me to "just stop forgetting things". Like wow!!! Why didn't I think of that!!!!! Really helpful and insightful advice right there!!!!

[sacredpit]

while i’m tekkenposting i get jinhwoa isn’t like the softest uwu fluffy ship out there but does every single fic have to be gut-wrenching angst like do u people rlly not see any happiness for them at all

[lazymilkshakeyy]

nothing like rushing to do a week’s worth of work an hour before it’s due

[streetdumpster]

it feels like my life begins and ends in my childhood home, in my childhood room. Reliving the same couple moments over and over and over. It's been nearly 10 years. I kept telling myself I'll move on eventually, I'll keep going, but truthfully ive been stuck in that room for so so long. Longer than I realized, it seems. I guess I didn't notice how I actually haven't moved on, ive been trapped for half my life in that fucking room going through the same abuse that I went through when I was a little child. I dont want to do this anymore. I've wasted my life away. I want to be able to move past the memories, I want to live my life in the moment. I dont understand why its so hard for me, I dont understand why it took me so long to realize that no, most people DONT think about something terrible that happened to them ~10 years ago everyday of their lives! No, most people dont have panic attacks about it so often that they dont even realize its a panic attack anymore. It just feels normal. No thats not fucking normal!! idk why it took me such a long time to figure out its fucking ptsd I just didnt want to believe it. what I went through wasn't even bad. other people have gone through so much worse and never turned out as bad as me. why did i? why am i weak? how did I not know why didnt i want to accept it. I can't ignore it. I've been trying to pretend this is normal half my life! what the fuck !! I look at my parents and I think do you remember? do you remember what you did to me? do you think about it every day? because I do. I cant fucking leave that godawful room. girlies I dont think I can lie anymore I am not normal‼️

[llycaons]

I apparently need to be watching three shows at any time so im on the sopranos now

[floral-hex]

The growing anxiety of realizing that I’m running out of time to text my dad happy father’s day 😬

[cementcornfield]

oh no too many youtuber thoughts under the cut (football followers look away)

ok but like….matt and ryan STILL don’t have a contract setting any terms between them. 7 years later!!! after all the shit that went down with Jackson, they finally set some up with their employees, but it never even occurred to them to set something up between themselves in case anything goes down. because they trust and love each other that much and they’re so dumb, they’re SO STUPID and BAD at business, but it’s still so ridiculously CHARMING that they care about and rely on each other and never could imagine one of them fucking over the other. like 7 years later, 8 years of friendship, and so much has gone wrong and so many terrible things have happened - things that were their fault and things that weren’t - and their friendship only seems like it’s growing stronger every day. like how??? how did they end up so lucky to find each other in all the chaos of what went down 8 years ago. when they were 2 hours apart their whole lives and even had mutual friends but still never knew each other until they were on the other side of the country and they just clicked and that was it. ugh i have so many criticisms of them and they still annoy me to death half the time i tune in but they love each other and that’s what i’m here for and i’ll bounce around from fandom to fandom and tune out and back in but i really do think as long as they are still the most important people in each others lives and they make content that lets us into that world even a little then it’s like yeah ok i guess i’m stuck here!! but anyways they really should sign a contract, these absolute idiots. 

[nonotternine]

in my head my symptoms aren't that bad, I can push through it, I just need to try hard enough. And then after the storm I try looking up to see if someone who is Better At Words can explain what I'm going through and it's like holy shit dude. That's BAD bad.

[grimmthorne]

i need to go back to the counseling center so bad because there's no way that I can go on like this 😁