#I cant rely on myself either so i really do see why they cant keep me on. But still!!!!! I need to go back to the gp again if its this bad

[satans-knitwear]

U cant hurt me, im wearing armour. 😎

Treat me ~ Tip me

[xx-lemon-drop-xx]

hi, i go by kaso (he/she). requesting for the twst and ror boys (with the exception of idia and leona)

im mostly on the neutral centerpoint when it comes to myself. im an introvert. im calm, mellow, down-to-earth. im also observant as i pick up small things n remember them when the time is right. also to js sniff out peoples intentions but its more of the first most of the time.

im a soft-spoken guy. usually im relaxed and unshaken, though my motivation seems to come on a whim ebery other day so i may seem out of it at times. its easy to keep my composure for most things and keep my emotions in check.  i have tendencies to be passive-aggressive when provoked and im kinda stubborn. but im chill and friendly.

its easy for me to pick up from setbacks. im naturally intelligent but i dont really study to keep it.. its not like i dont want because im quite self-aware its just the lack of motivation. im also quite clever when the time comes.. cant explain it but its kinda easy to play the cards right when its laid out in my favour.

i may have an avoidant attachment of the sort im not sure.

when it comes to humour, im genuinely such a corny person and its always a hit or miss for my jokes. its also tinged with satire and sarcasm most if not all the time. i love to laugh and will find anything funny that might come out of your mouth.

i enjoy indulging in my interests, listsning to music, drawing and other things. i dont really have set things i enjoy, i just do whatever makes me happy tbh. i love having fun but it drains me. id try everything once if i could to make more of the moment.

i think my greatest fear is being unable to uphold to what ive created and not achieving my dreams.. im not so sure if it truly bothers me though. i experience small emotional highs and lows so maybe thats why.

i cant tolerate critical people who need to call you out for every flaw or people that cant keep their mouth shut. not chatty or talkative people im talking abt those who gossip. trust is a really big thing for me and its honestly a huge turn off.

i love with actions rather than words. i try and take my time with someone and treat them with the best care i can muster. im very passionate abt the things and people i love and i feel and care deeply even if i show it terribly. its in the little things. my love languages are quality time and parallel play.

im not sure if i have a type if im being honest.. never really thought hard on enough.. is not being an ass to other count?? like idk bare minimum wins i suppose.

thanks ^_^

Hello Kaso! I pair you with: Silver!

Calm, laid back and observant, silver is open minded when it doesn't come to the protection of Malleus and likes his quiet. Though he doesn't mind company either. He's likely and prone to falling asleep though which does make him miss things here and there, so your observant mind comes in handy.

While he may or may not be able to draw himself he finds listening to music with you while you draw is a nice atmosphere to be around as well as being with another human, not that he doesn't like fae of course. Silver oftentimes does go in and out of sleeping, though he tries his best to stay awake when the time calls for it.

Shown to be a good cook under supervision he enjoys bringing you some home cooked food he'd made, and thankfully didn't let Lilia touch. His favorite thing about you is your soft spoken nature and calm personality, even if you do have your times of sarcasm and stubbornness. Silver is a person that respects your opinions and isn't one I can see gossiping and spreading rumors either.

I can see him being more introverted than extroverted and understand your need to have your social battery recharge at times. Silver is a hardworking individual especially when it comes to being a Knight, though he enjoys being able to rely on you even if it's something small and hopes you can do the same by confiding in him. Silver finds your cleverness interesting as well as your natural intelligence.

His favorite thing to do with you is spend quality time with you. As friends or something more he doesn't mind as long as you're by his side.

Character matchups found here

[mayssa-m]

I can’t keep going with this acne it has been way too long n i cant keep relying on antibiotics to get it off for like 2 months n it comes back n the scars didnt even fade away yet i didnt have the chance to enjoy that time, i cant keep being insecure i dont want my appearance to get in the way (it’s not like I stopped much in my life and didnt take risks because of my face, i still did n im proud of myself) but i wanna keep the same confidence as when my acne is gone (its not really gone i still have the scarring its just so different i feel so much more confident and look different even people treat you differently) well i was gonna and insisted on waiting til it naturally goes away as my teenage years are fading away but decided to do it the unnatural way i just dont want it to ever come back ever again thats it ill never look this young ever and i just wanna look my best for those years fukkit ill die one day anyways really thats it i decided and im done i want this chapter to be over ill take acutane and bye i wanna forget about this cus under all of that acne my skin is really plumped smooth and healthy thats why wait til the scarring is gone n til no more pimples grow and youll see my actual skin reveal itself cus i know my family has good skin genetics soft and young looking well i dont wanna have to worry about my acne in any picture or go in a darker place so we wont see it cus even without looking at it you feel it its either painful or itchy you feel disguted of yourself and you know you cant do anything anymore as its not from your diet its hormonal and genetic i cant help it but balance my hormones also i noticed a lot of voice cracks so my hormones going crazy wtv tho i want this chapter to be closed im over it

[inamorato666]

another venting post but i just want to express in as much detail as possible about the sheer mourning i have for my friends

they arent dead, none of them are. they just moved on. we've just outgrown each other. im sure a few of them have this same feeling as me, at least to some extent.

most of these friends that i often see are online profiles. my main source of communication is through discord, and during the pandemic, my first year being inside was hellish but at the same time i cherished all those chaotic times of being in servers laughing my ass off at the stupidest shit ever. granted, we were all lonely, trapped in isolation. of course we would cling to each other more in an communal online space.

an important detail about this though is that shortly after lockdown was initiated, my parents pulled me out of public school and put me in homeschooling. that was the beginning of my downfall.

as time passed and everyone was returning to attending school in person, i was still stuck in my same routine of always being online. it was a hellish cycle that soon became. at first it wasnt all that bad since i still had so many friends to keep up and rely on. but in my last year of isolation, the course of growing up and out had taken its toll. so many people were forgotten as i came and went. not to mention that the closest friendgroup i had been with ended up forgetting about me too, as i had to leave it due to being left out of things too many times.

and ever since then ive barely been able to heal from that intense loneliness. ive met my girlfriend which has been an absolute blessing and i now have one of the closest friend ive had ever but. i cant help but still mourn that feeling of being surrounded by people who cared about me like i cared about them.

i deeply miss it. i dont know whats happening to me but it feels like i cant make friends anymore. i dont know if its because of the social isolation, general smaller than average range of people since my school is a smaller charter one or just the general process of growing and maturing. but every time i seem like i can enter a promising friendgroup i end up leaving for whatever reason. its mostly because i realize i cant stand those people or they still forget about me even if it feels like ive made a good impression.

i cant help but feel guilty for wanting more. after all, my friend and my lover are all i need right? but then again humans are social creatures. everyone has a group they can fall back to. so why not me? what happened to me? who do i blame?

it feels so...i guess, bittering when i see or hear about either of the two most important people in my life mention about their friends. i want to join in so badly. i really do. but i know the pattern. i know ill leave. i dont know if ill ever fit into a group. i dont know if this is okay and i should move on and make peace or continue trying.

ive been trying to numb about this for a while now. but the pain resurfaced recently. it was a realization. a realization that this one group of people that ive been hanging out with consistently doesnt care about me. i always have to butt myself in so i can be acknowledged. even then, they still ignore me so many times.

my chest is starting to hurt so much whiel writing this because im now realizing how lonely i am. im surrounded by people but almost no one sees me. i want to share my ideas and experiences so badly. no one wants to hear me. i feel so selfish for wanting more than i already have.

the reason why i started writing this was because of a particular friend i had since the early days of middle school. we clicked after the first few anxious weeks of school. while we didnt have any classes together we still found each other whenever we could. we had our cringy anime phases together. we comforted each other. we fantasized about living in a giant mansion in the middle of the woods with other friends with our other friends, making our food, tending to our house, healing.

ever since i left that friend group that forgot about me it seemed like even she forgot about me too. the process of realizing that was slow and almost painless, but every time i realize every day we are fading and straying away from each other more and more to the point ive now accepted that i probably wouldn't want to talk to her even as much as i want to relive those conversations we had in the past.

we were the awkward, emo, queer kids. shes moved on. shes almost unrecognizable now. im not even mad im just...stunned that my memory of her doesnt match her current self. that realization hurts, that im living in the past while everyone is moving on in the present.

"used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that/now you're all gone got your makeup on and you're not coming back" is a lyric by social broken scene in a song called "anthems for a seventeen year old girl"

she has her make up on and she is not coming back. im still rotting. i feel so lonely and i dont think this can ever be numbed.

[wewfimapuppie]

idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.

[automaticcoffeesoul-blog]

10•30•23

I think I’m going to start writing again in here. I feel as though I have no where else to go, and this is quick. I always have my phone on me.

I feel depressed. I don’t want to do anything any more. I actually mean anything. I’m forcing myself each step of the way. It’s exhausting. Maybe I’m just weak minded, I mean everyone seems to be managing. It’s not as though I’m not aware other people struggle with this, or that it’s not common, it very much is, but I just don’t know what to do. Where to start.

Speaking of all of this, I don’t have friends. I mean I have “friends” but they don’t feel like friends. They’re people I used to be close with who I now get a text from everyone once in awhile. No bond, not anymore.

Me and him? Couldn’t even tell you what we are anymore. We’re not together right now. We’re still seeing each other on the DL. I honestly don’t even rlly want him in my life. I’m miserable when he isn’t though. When im with him im calm and content, but he makes me feel so negative. We’re no good for one another right now. Last time I blocked him though he reached out on Facebook messenger the one place I forgot, and I broke no contact. It’s just exhausting at this point. Very “ah shit here we go again” esc.

I saw an old friend yesterday. We smoked and hung out for awhile at some old park. It was freezing for once, the weather has been so bipolar recently. It was nice chatting and catching up. We hadn’t spoken, really spoken beyond “hey”, in about 3 years. It came naturally, and our conversation didn’t feel tense but not right either. We’re not exactly the same type of people. It’s not that I don’t like the company, I just want to isolate myself when I’m out and be out while I’m isolating. Quite the annoying back and forth. Anyways, my point is our bond is old, something I used to know, and something I’m pretty sure wouldn’t fit into my life right now.

No one has asked me to hangout for Halloween. He keeps canceling on me. Cant rely on others. I don’t like people. Maybe it’s because I know they fail people, maybe that’s why I don’t find it a big deal to fail others myself. Interesting thought.

[myloveforhergoeson]

omg chapter 20!!! more roxy lore w mag!! cant believe we're in season 2 already wow. whats been your favourite episode/plotline you've written so far? whether its in the main story or bonus chapters

ahhh chapter 20!!!! thanks for hanging in there until season 2 ❤️ like i do for most asks people send in, i am truly unable to pick just one concise answer... here is what i'm thinking...

i have favorite roxy-other character interactions overall, which can be a separate post i make if yall are interested, but i think one of my favorite episodes to have written was either the 6th (writing wrongs; mansion sitting) or the 18th part one (mona lisa (when the world comes down); james and roxy minnesota team up). in terms of stand alone plot lines, i really loved writing chapter 19 (no sleep til brooklyn; letters to jo and camille).

chapter 6 kinda hit me out of left field i'm not even going to lie because i didn't write it in succession with all the other chapters - i completely skipped it because it's one of my least favorite episodes of the entire show. i think once i started writing chapter 11/12/13ish i decided i wanted to start posting my story somewhere so it didn't just live in my docs so i told myself i had to put it in there lol. i'm not sure if from a reader standpoint yall can tell, but if i don't like an episode/plot line/scene in the show i kinda run and make it my own until i like it again and then the chapter ends up being superrr long so chapter 6 was like that for me. i think it really starts to establish roxy as part of the guys' friend group - she kind of solidifies herself as someone that they can rely on and someone who wants to see them succeed and they start to really accept her as someone they can count on (not that they didn't before... but this chapter hits a bit different imo...) plus it has one of my favorite roxy-james moments hehe. i ended up adding that in after i wrote the entire chapter bc i realized they went on their mini date in chapter 5 and i never mentioned it again so i wanted to get some establishment about the beginnings of their relationship together. plus if i ever manage to get myself to write some more his girl friday scenes - minor spoilers for everything about the story i keep in my head to reveal later - we'll learn that that's kind of the first time james begins to see her as someone he likes far more than for purely aesthetic reasons.

chapter 9 at the ice rink... SELF EXPLANATORY WHY I LOVE IT

chpater 17 with the music video and jo and camille!!!!!!!! they ❤️

chapter 18... both part one and two are so so so dear to me but the first part when they're in minnesota is just... my favorite thing to think about... like two forlorn individuals coming together to overcome their situation together and reach their similar goal for each other. theres a few times in there i think where roxy's like, whoop! gotta get back to LA so james can be the star he deserves to be! and doesn't realize its because she likes him and wants to see him successful and happy... girl... it also lets me go 'hmm what would have happened if she had known them in minnesota before' and then i have a little scenario to think about before i fall asleep lmao. i also like it bc its the first time we really see roxy and her dad interact even if its for a microsecond and even how he reacts to james eheh. and the begingings of roxy learning she might actually have feelings for one of her friends while she's going through it and making her comfort food... AHHH I WENT CRAZY WRITING IT!!! sidenote - the part two kiss literally had me shaking in my boots i was so embarrassed writing it so we'll see how i fare writing them as a couple

chapter 19 i like for completely a different reason - that being i wrote it in about two days because it was so easy for me to get inside roxy's head. i swear it's like she was typing through me in a weird sort of way. plus, if any btr historians were reading, i used real locations from their first tour! it was super fun to look up their tour path, map it out and get an accurate amount of time from place to place, learn fun little things about different towns around the US i've never been to. and a little easter egg for me shouting out cities in which ive seen them too <3 roxy never really talks about her emotions before that chapter, so i think it was a nice launching point for her to then feel more comfortable opening up to her friends face-to-face like she did logan in chapter 20 as opposed to on pen and paper. that, and it kind of establishes she's not really built for tour like she thought she was... woah... wonder if that might come back later...

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING once again im sorry im unable to answer questions without a literal essay, but i just get so excited talking about my story with other people :))))

[lifeisablackhole9]

.

hmm. i’ve almost entirely lost my appetite over the past few days. i’ll consume less than 500 calories and even that will feel like too much. that’s not good. i wanted to loose weight to solve a health problem, i really didn’t want to create another on in the process. awesome.

i’ve been taking like half an edible so i’ll actually eat dinner but i really don’t want to rely on that either. weed and alcohol are supposed to be fun once in a while things for me, not something i become dependent on. really don’t like this at all but i currently don’t have any other choice. i was able to eat a bag of popcorn with some cereal in it for dinner but like that’s not enough and yet it was too much and i just. gah i hate it.

depressions getting worse too i’m afraid. it always gets bad in summer tho so i’m not too worried about it. it’s not as bad as last year. then again that’s a tough act to follow. i just get so hot and sweaty and it makes sleeping so hard and it just kinda snowballs ya know. i’m so tired and i just want to stop.

it’s not dissociative yet but i think it’s gonna get there soon. i’m already struggling to keep my room clean. i haven’t been emptying my pockets either when i change clothes. the only thing i’ve been keeping up with is showers really and that’s because i hate being sweaty.

i haven’t even been able to work on my piece for an. event. that i’m writing for that if you don’t follow my hawks sideblog then i shan’t say what the event is. but. yeah, it’s due on the 16th and i just. cant do it and i hate that. reminds me of when i was a kid and couldn’t do anything right.

something else that’s been bothering me is like. okay so i’ve been single like my entire life, right? no big deal. i can handle being alone (this is almost the truth). until i remember like. valentine’s day is actually one of my favorite holidays right? i love the aesthetic, i love the romance. all of it. but i’ve never actually gotten to celebrate it. and i just remembered that and it made me really sad. like no matter what i tell myself. no matter what i do or don’t come to terms with. no matter what i actually want. i know i’m going to stay single. i know i’m never going to actually get to celebrate one of my favorite holidays. and that makes me sad.

and i know i’m staying single because like. i’m not a person people take long term interest in. i never have been and i never will be. the only people who have taken interest are people looking for casual (nothing wrong with that, but i’m not) and like. that sucks. but i also know why.

i don’t know for sure what’s going on with me, be it adhd, autism, both or something else that’s not even on my radar. but like, i need stimulation. some of its touch because i tend to dissociate a lot. some of its movement, that’s why i got the chair i have, so i can rock in it when i need to. but a lot of it? it’s sound. i need something in my background most of the time. usually music. and i really can’t stand headphones and inears for long periods of times. so i have it playing off my phone (i don’t do this in public i am very much capable of shame don’t worry) and like, at full volume. sometimes i use a speaker. other times i need to make the sound. one of my favorite stims is to just blow into my mini harmonica as long and loud as possible. every hates that!! so much that i don’t even get to do it very often.

i’m either way too loud, or way too quiet. i tend to go mute or almost mute a lot, but i still want open communication. do you know how hard it is to find someone who will just be around you when you want company but don’t want to socialize literally at all? everyone always feels the need to fill the silence instead of just. existing. at the same time someone else is.

i also just miss physical contact. like a lot. i used to get a decent amount from friends but now i hardly see them and i just feel so disconnected from everything. i just got my weighted blanket back from the dry cleaners and i’ve just putting the entire thing on my chest to pretend it’s like. a person.

hell, i’ve changed my sleep white noise from just a storm to one that’s got a heart beet and breathing in it because i just can’t do this anymore. that’s so fucking sad and pathetic like what?? the fuck???

my anxiety is getting really bad, too like, i’ll keep feeling like i’ve Done Something Wrong™️ and i have to keep reminding myself that no. i haven’t. you’re not at the job where you were always in trouble because the rules kept changing on a whim without telling you. things are consistent now. you’re not going to get in trouble for things out of the blue now. it’s okay.

i should stop, the app just had a heart attack over me typing. sorry.

[spoiledcherry]

rant incoming

ok so no news here i feel like shit and ugly. my self image already sucked so now that im bald w an ugly ass scar running down the middle of my scalp and my nail is falling off i feel even fucking worse like fucking frankenstein. and i got upset yesterday bc my gf called her coworker gorgeous and hasnt said shit to me barely even complimented the selfies i sent yesterday. and ik validation has to come from myself and i cant rely on her and all that but why is it when someone decides that ur insecure they become withholding w their affection?? as if just saying "hey u look beautiful today" would be feeding the machine. i just wanna feel like im special and beautiful to the woman i love and her purposely holding that shit back bc otherwise she thinks shes feeding into it and enabling me. it just makes me feel shittier not to mention its condescending like u know so much better so ur not gonna say smth complimentary towards me. im going thru a tough time and a nice word would go a long way. like i wanna cry again as im typing. and shes not the only person ive had do this like ive had friends in nasty tones tell me "im not gonna reassure u. im not gonna say anything." and like i dont wanna put pressure on ppl to tell me shit esp if its not genuine but being withholding doesnt help either and only makes me feel worse. like ik i should feel the beauty within myself and all that jazz but u not saying shit to me bc "i should know" doesnt feel right either. literally one nice "u look gorgeous" would make my whole day. would it really be that hard??? u could do it for ur fucking coworker. like i dont even wanna send her any selfies at all anymore even if she were to ask for them. and i keep getting told that i shouldnt be upset abt my hair being gone bc it "grows back" dont tell me how to fucking feel and yea it grows back but not fucking fast enough. i never wanted to have my head shaved its shaved bc i got my head beaten in and i almost fucjing died. and every time i see it its a reminder of that shit. that happened just a little over a month ago so its not like its been 2 years or some shit. im just so over being told how i should feel abt this shit or how i should handle it from ppl who have never been thru anything like this. i just wanna feel beautiful again i wish i appreciated what i looked like before more. i feel like an ugly sheared fucking sheep like a freak show. and the one person who if love to hear beautiful from the most is purposefully holding it back from me. idk im just fucking miserable man.

[ssplague]

Chapter Two

A rough start we get off too

Series Masterlist

Katsuki B. X Reader

Rated M

⚠️Warnings: SMUT, improper use/depiction of certain kinks, abusive, manipulative, toxic behavior, unreal ideals of sex, use of daddy, ddlg themes, hard Dom, etc.

Let the SMUT commence

The way each pair of lips fit so perfectly together was absolutely enthralling: Passion was raw, ferocity was made so obviously evident from the growl he emitted at each attempt you made at sucking his tounge into your mouth. Only separating to take in a few large gulps of much needed oxygen, before diving back in to repeat the process over again.

“Please….P-Pleaseee…Kat..Suki…I-“ he presses a finger to your lips. That brief period of oxygen deprivation seemed to of induced a delirium of sorts. Assessing your thoughts has become similar to sifting through wet sand; Try as you might, you just can’t seem to comprehend what exactly you’d been attempting to beg him for in the first place. This look of empty headed confusion is also something Bakugou commits to memory, a first glimpse of his dumb little girl. He surveys you with bemused interest, looking as composed as ever.

“Down that bad for me hah? All I did was kiss ya a little and you’re already falling to pieces on me” the finger on your lips slides down to tilt your chin up, while he dips his head down to whisper in your ear. “Cant even imagine what kinda mess you’ll become once I finally split cha open with this big cock, such a stupid little girl”.

You suck in a deep shuddering breath as your legs suddenly give out beneath you, leaving you helplessly sliding down the wall. Bakugou laughs in such a condescending baritone as he effortlessly picks you up and deposits you on his bed. Picking his chair back up, he moves it beside the bed to take a seat in front of you.

“Listen real close to what I’m about to tell ya cause its important, open those fuckin’ ears princess cause if I end up havin’ to constantly keep repeatin’ myself…” he leaves the implicated threat hanging in the air between you two. Swallowing what remains of your now virtually non existent pride: You sit up straight and lean forward slightly, making sure to hold eye contact while he spoke. As the one sided conversation progresses and you inevitably begin to feel the need to either scoff or mouth off, you lightly bite your tounge. When the need to roll your eyes seems irresistible you make sure to blink a few times.

Bakugou and his ego always seem to have a way of destroying any sort of illusion that he is anything other than a self-righteous narcissist. Well, now he’s YOUR self-righteous narcissist…CORRECTION; You cant think like that anymore….from now on he’s….daddy.

The thought accompanies a brief pang in your metaphorical gut, is it regret? Maybe guilt? You aren’t sure.

“-Last ones, your still paying attention right princess?”.

Hearing his question has your eyes immediately snapping back into focus. You take in the handsome (but grumpy) face in front of you, nervously wondering when exactly he’d invaded your personal space.

“Y-Yes daddy, I’m listening to you” you stutter slightly, now noticing he’s actually kneeling on the mattress with you.

“So every day I expect you to do your absolute best” now with each statement he leans further into you, “You’re always going to remember how much daddy cares about you”. He presses a large hand against your chest, forcing your back down against the pillows behind you. “Realize that daddy always knows what’s best for you” both hands now rest on either side of you, effectively caging you in.

“You’ll always know that you can rely on daddy, and will trust him one hundred percent of the time”.

The intensity of his crimson stare has your face burning up, and heart rapidly pounding in your chest. It’s now taking a serious amount of conscious effort to keep your eyes locked with his. “Any questions? Comments?…..concerns?” he puts an emphasis on that last word, wolffish grin firmly in place.

Shaking your head apparently wasn’t a good enough answer because its followed with a stern; “Use your words princess, you either say: Yes daddy or No daddy….understood?”.

“I understand daddy….I’ll follow your rules daddy” you reply, embarrassment evident at having to repeat the unfamiliar word.

“You sure? It’s not like you to have absolutely nothing to say” he’s testing you, you’ll play into it this time.

“Well if you insist…..I do have a question, just one” at this his eyes instantly narrow and you could have sworn you’d seen a few stray sparks emit from his palms.

“Would it be too much to ask daddy if he wouldn’t mind kissing me again?”

🌆

Euphie checks her phone for the eigth time since she’d last texted you over forty-five minutes ago. Why weren’t you responding? Maybe she really had pushed you too far this time….A large hand comes to rest over her much smaller one, at this she finally sets her phone facedown on the table with a sigh.

“She wont stay angry with you forever, her and Bakubro might be having such a good time together that she’s forgotten all about her phone” Kirishima tries his best to reassure with his usual smile. The sudden wide eyed, dead pan stare he gets in return whipes that smile from his now reddening face. He’s realized far too late at what his words seem to of implied.

“I didn’t mean it like that! Really! I promise I didn’t! M’sorry”. Seeing the red head this flustered is so adorable, his companion cant help but giggle.

“I know Eji, dont worry about it”.

Entrusting your care to Bakugou was fine: He cares about you almost as much as she herself does. If she wasn’t certain how genuine the boy’s feelings toward you were, none of this would ever have happened.

Yeah, everything is going to be just fine….You’ll thank her one day.

💥

Bakugou’s crimson gaze is way too intense while roaming over the female laying down on his bed. Having her completely bare, and spread out before him is an accomplishment he shamelessly contragulates himself for. She’s getting self conscious now: Delicate hands come up to cover her chest, and plush thighs press together in an attempt to hide the drooling mess kept between them. It’s all or naught though as her legs are suddenly wrenched apart, and each wrist is now pinned above her head, held in just a single one of his hands.

“Nu-uh princess, no hiding….keep those legs open…wanna see all of you” condescending words only seem to widen his feral grin.

Seeing his cock now freed from its previously strained confinements as its looms above you, standing tall, has your leaky little hole twitching. The smooth inner walls inside repeatedly clenching in anticipation. Bakugou trails a finger from clit to slit as he hums in approval.

“What’s this hah? Such a fuckin’ mess your makin’ down here”

“S-Sorry daddy…I cant help it…Just want you so bad…dont wanna wait any longer…Please dont make me wait more” a soft roll of your hips accompanies your pleading whines. Your continuous begging for his cock has that monster stirring in him again, he has to forcibly push the dark thoughts away before addressing you again.

“If I dont prep you then-“ you interrupt him.

“It’s fine! I can take it, please just take me…” he notices your moment of hesitation before you lock eyes with him while adding “make it hurt”.

You’re just so fucking bold!

Trying to make demands, disguised as requests! Its so cute he cant help but caress your cheek before bestowing upon you the last gentle kiss you’ll get until he’s throughly DESTROYED you for anyone else.

“Dont ever fucking tell me what to do again” he growls before slamming his hips forward.

He’s buried balls deep inside you: Your initial gasp at the sudden intrusion, now morphs into a silent scream that has a you arching up off the mattress.

“Got that you greedy little slut? See what happens?” He taunts through gritted teeth.

Your cunt squeezing and spasming around his cock feels incredible, to the point he has to busy himself with sucking harshly on your neck to keep from releasing desperate whimpers of his own.

“I can take it…please move….m’sorry daddy…please don’ be mad a’me….”

“M’not mad at you baby….s’okay” He manages to reassure you through his clenched jaw. He finally starts to move inside of you, desperately trying so hard to take it easy on you. All precedent falls apart when your legs wrap around his waist, now he’s digging you out.

“Y’okay?” He rasps while continuously ravaging your tight cunt.

“M-mm-more than okay” you stutter.

“Taking my cock so well baby girl….Fucking hell!” His lewd compliment causing your insides to involuntarily clench.

“Deeper! Deeper!” You plead.

Katsuki thought you’d preferred his shallow thrusts, but if you really wanted your guts rearranged he’d be pleased to make it happen. He grabs one of your legs, placing it up on his broad shoulder, while the other remains curled around his hip. Straightening up he smirks down at you, before delivering a harsh slap to your clit. Now beginning to rapidly piston his hips while taunting you: “What did I tell you earlier hah? Answer me dammit!”.

His hot hand comes down on your inner thigh and you cry out: “N-Not supposed t-to tell y-you what to d-do!”. It shouldn’t be possible for you to be squeezing him even tighter, but somehow you do. That can mean only one thing… “Gonna cum aren’t you princess? I can feel ya choking the life outta my cock”.

A pathetic whine accompanies your vigorous head nods and he growls in response: “You.better.fucking.not” a thrust accompanying each word, “Y’dont fuckin’ listen, shouldn’t let ya cum at all with how you keep misbehavin’, better start fuckin’ beggin”.

Horrified at the thought, you fight through the fog permeating your brain and force movement out of your lolling tounge.

“P-please daddy, I’ll b-be good from now on if y-you’ll just let me c-cum! Y-you’re just making me feel so good daddy, no one’s ever made me feel this i-incredible before” your panting breaths making it too difficult to continue speaking. Even if he doesn’t believe it, your words are entirely true, this is the first time you can ever recall feeling like this during sex. A foreign sensation is making its way into your gut, your limbs are moving of their own accord, you cant think straight when you manage to speak next: “Its too much! Too big, Too deep, Too intense! I c-cant take anymore please make it stop!”.

“Stop? Oh fuck no princess, after all this lip you’ve been giving me, you think I’m gonna let you tap out like a little bitch? Think again” his thumb begins to rub harsh circles against your clit. “We’re not stopping until you cream all over my cock like a nasty girl like you is supposed to, then you’re gonna do it again when I blow my load inside this tight fucking cunt and you’ll scream my name while I fucking do it because this pussy is all mine! Got all that you fucking whore?”.

“Yes daddy” you whimper, face screwed up in tight concentration as he finally pushes you over the edge. Your eyes fly open as you blindly search for his hand, gripping it tightly in attempts to anchor yourself in reality as a sudden rush of dopamine floods your brain. White hot pleasure seemingly overwhelming every single nerve in your body, making your legs shiver as you faintly hear yourself calling out his name repeatedly. Katsuki is the only thing you know in this strange foreign place: This comforting warmth suddenly invades your tummy, continuously being pumped inside you while you moan at the newfound sensation.

A pair of strong arms wind themselves around you, pulling you closer, making you feel safe, at ease, loved?

“Come…back…..come back to me” he’s calling for you. Your soul had to of vacated your body; You feel Weightless, you’re floating, “Daddy?”. Suddenly you start sinking, and without warning your body jolts, “Katsuki?!”.

“M’right here princess, daddy’s got you….Disappeared on me for a lil while” his familiar voice is grounding. His fingers card gently through your hair, and for the very first time you’re seeing a “Soft” side to this so easily angered man. Sighing contentedly you snuggle into his chest, letting his caramel scented sweat overwhelm your senses.

“I really like this”

“Hah?! That’s all you have to say?!”

Ah there he goes, moment ruined, illusion shattered.

“I’m sorry. But I’m not entirely coherent just yet…you uh…you kinda did a number on me there” you mutter sheepishly, making an attempt to escape his embrace. Its immediately thwarted, and your pulled right back against his chest. “Ah fuck…knew I shoulda just made you wait and prepped you properly….Sorry about that, guess I just got caught up in everything”. Surely hell has frozen over: Katsuki Bakugou just not only admitted a possible wrong doing, but APOLGIZED for it as well!

“Ive wanted to do this with you for so long: Fuck you, hold you, be with you, and I fucked it up! Just like I always seem to fucking do, I-“

“Daddy” your voice effectively silences his self-depreciating rant. His hand begins to gently run up and down your back as he mumbles a “Yes princess?”.

You lean back slightly, tilting your head up so those cute doe eyes can stare up into his, the smile your wearing makes his chest tighten.

“M’not hurt, sore but not damaged….I wasn’t referring to my body, I meant you did a number on my mind…Besides I asked for it remember? I’ve wanted this for a long time too, so I got impatient…Please dont berate yourself, lets just enjoy this moment as the first of many now…Kay?”.

That’s right, you’re his now; Along with the opportunity to care for and make sure to correct you…he’ll be able to do this with you again. You had given yourself to him after all, so he can have you as many times as he wants, whenever he wants! He’s far too occupied with his lewd thoughts to care about the foreboding darkness thats begun to emerge from its confines within his skull.

You don’t remember falling asleep but Katsuki gently prods you awake: “Baby…wake up, Its dinner time…I made food for us…c’mon princess you need to eat”.

You whine, attempting to burrow further beneath the blankets, “Not hungryyyy...wanna sleep more!”.

“Dont make daddy ask you again, you wont like what happens”.

Not interested in ruining such a wonderful night, you begrudgingly sit up. Noticing he’s seated at his desk, with a large steaming bowl set infront of him. You slide out of bed, standing up and realizing you’re naked, but strangely not embarrassed by it.

“Here” he tosses you a shirt, “Now c’mere, hurry up before it gets cold!”. Pulling his shirt over your head as you pad over to him and take a seat on his lap. Noticing the single spoon and bowl has you looking at him with genuine curiosity. “Since you like actin like a damn baby so much, figured I’d continue treatin’ you like one” his words make you grin sheepishly again, and you hold out your hand expectantly waiting for him to hand you the spoon….he doesn’t.

Taking an impressive spoonful of the steaming food he then proceeds to blow on it before bringing it up to your lips.

“Say ahh, brat”.

“Wha-?”

Taking advantage of the opportunity, he shoves the spoon into your open mouth. Of course it tastes amazing, but he doesn’t plan on keeping this up right? WRONG!

Repeating the pattern of giving you a bite and then taking one himself.

“I can feed myself y’know…” you mutter growing increasingly flustered at the insulting action but more so the fact that its making you feel….excited?

“I dont think you can princess….I always hear Euphie bitchin at ya for skipping breakfast or to hurry up and come eat dinner” pausing to feed himself, then repositioning the now loaded spoon back infront of you before continuing.

“That shit ends today, gonna teach ya how important it is to take care of yourself, and if you wont? Then I guess daddy will have to do it for ya”.

You’re squirming in his lap by the time you accept the last bite,swallowing thickly before making an attempt at vaulting off his lap. Large hands immediately snag you around the middle before your feet even touch the ground.

“No, No, thats not how we do things around here, where the fuck are your manners?” he slips a hand between your clenched thighs to move them apart, and then brings a slap down to the inside of each. You dont even know why he’d done that and the shock is evident on your face. “You like when I baby ya, dont lie to me LITTLE girl”.

“No I-“

“What’s this then?” he quickly interupts while holding up the palm he’d previously slapped you with. Glimmering in the low light is your sticky arousal coating his palm.

“Sorry” your voice is barely audible as you hang your head in shame.

“Mhm sure you are…Here I am being a good care taker to you and what did you do? Sat there thinking all kinds of nasty things while I spoon feed you, you really are a fuckin depraved slut aren’t you princess?”

You bite your lip as your eyes start to water,still refusing to look up and far too embarrassed to respond. A finger beneath your chin forces your head up and his breath hitches when he notices tears getting ready to fall. A malicious smile now turns his lips upward as he cups your cheek, “Look at that…shes about to start crying and all because of what? Cuz you just exposed yourself for being the depraved little slut you are?”.

“NO! No im not I-“.

“You are” his grip tightens painfully on your jaw, pulling your face forward so its now just an inch away from his own, “And I fuckin’ love it”. Then he’s surging forward pressing his lips against yours; Forcing his tongue into your mouth, hand coming around to grip the back of your head. Your lungs are on fire while his hand slips under your shirt to harshly grope at your chest. Clawing his forearms is finally enough to get his attention and he reluctantly pulls away. You’ve just barely began catching your breath when he suddenly stands up, keeping a firm grip on your ass to carry you, before dropping you onto the bed.

“Take that off and-“

*knock knock knock*

The sudden knocking followed abruptly by Kirishima’s muffled shouting, startles both you and Katsuki, and the rattling door knob has you immediately springing into action.

“Hey we brought back desert to share with you guys! So just meet us at my room whenever you feel like it, Euphie’s changing her clothes and then she’ll be there too, we’re gonna watch a movie if you two wanna join us!”.

He must have heard Bakugou’s standard non-committal grunt in response, because you hear his retreating footsteps trail off down the hall.

Grabbing your skirt out from underneath the bed, you stand back up.

Just as you’d gotten to your feet your immediately pushed face first onto the mattress. A sweaty hand takes hold of your hip in a bruising grip, while the other delivers a sharp pinch to your ass cheek. Yelping in response to the sudden harsh yank of your hair that proceeds a whisper of:

“You didn’t really think I would let you off that easy did you? Your fuckin’ cake can wait brat, we’re done when I fuckin say we are, got it?”.

✨

A/N: I hope this chapter was to everyone’s liking, I’m actually kind of nervous to post it but 🤷🏼‍♀️ Chapter 3 has a fair amount of smut in it as well so look forward to that. I’m hoping to get another one shot up for “A man of his word” this week, if you like extreme Yandere Bakugou check that out. I have one penned but it needs to be typed up.

[darkestcorners]

I cant believe HOW manipulating jk is. the fact that he hates eunji and tells oc so, just to bring eunji up himself- and that in a good way- is literally him playing with oc‘s mind in a way i didnt even know was possible. he guilt trips her and makes her jealous at the SAME time like ? i knew there were boys with mommy issues but this is a complete whole new level. like, is there more to the reason why jk was SO attached to his mother ? what did he see in her as a kid ? idk, he just seems so mysterious yet open at the same time. And i dont even want to know what he did to the professor to clear everything up and even give oc extra credits. im really curious on what eunji has noticed about him but still always said how much she loves him ? like, if you know theres seriously something wrong with him, why do you love him so much in such a short amount of time ? sometimes i ask myself: was eunji really clueless about jk appearing in her life all of a sudden ? did she not sense ANYTHING with him and oc ? such an interesting plot !

- 🧚🏻

Hi 🧚🏼 anon! 🥰

He’s insanely manipulative! It’s his main tactic to keep her under his control, his character is meant to show how much he relies on mental torment to maintain the upper hand. It’s also meant to point at the irony of the MC being a psychology student yet Jungkook seems to be the one outperforming her in her own ‘realm’ of knowledge.

It’s possible that there may be more to the story than what Jungkook or his mother have revealed or it could be that Jungkook himself developed that deep attachment to his mother from a very young age and it suddenly being ripped away from him made him spiral and have a deep rooted resentment towards her. She does mention how Jungkook started to have behavior issues at a young age due to how much he was coddled and spoiled but again there may be more that is not being told.

The entire situation with Eunji was indeed a bit weird! She seems to know more than she’s willing to tell unfortunately . I think it’s important to note that Eunji is meant to be a really self-absorbed character for the most part but she does seem to have taken that betrayal to heart, I think it’s also clear she doesn’t view her own ‘betrayal’ towards the MC on the same level. She still believes that the MC deliberately slept with her boyfriend so all those ‘red flags’ she may have noticed with Jungkook are still being seen through the lenses of an affair. So it makes you wonder what was going through her head when she did find out about Jungkook going into the Professor’s classroom. I think like you said , the big question is if Eunji herself is barely putting pieces together or if she knew Jungkook had ill intentions from the start. Either way, it’s clear that both Eunji and the MC have fallen victim to the manipulation of Jungkook.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts babes! I really appreciate it and I’m so glad you enjoyed the chapter! 🥰Have a lovely day ❤️❤️🫶🫶!!

[doodleodds]

I really, really, REALLY love your train!palace AU.

I was just curious if you have any other HCs for potential palaces — for either Akechi or Akira.

You don’t have to do any drawings or anything, I just loved reading about all your little details for the train AU and I’m starving for more haha

Ah thank you! I’m really glad you liked it!!! ^u^ I don’t really have any other hcs that i’m planning to draw (as of right now anyway B) ), but I did have an Akira palace concept a while ago that I’ll talk about below the cut if you’re interested! :)

(its kind of long cause once I started typing I just started rambling, so be warned)

Thanks for the ‘you dont have to draw anything’ by the way, lol xD There’s 1 drawing cause I couldn’t help myself though ;P

So, I dont know if it’ll be what you were hoping for, but a while ago i was thinking about an Akira palace about feeling overwhelmed that’s maybe called “Balancing Act” (i was thinking about calling it like. ‘tilting tower’ or something cause I think ‘tilting tower toppled’ would be a funny achievement to get once you beat it, but that just sounds too much like the fortnite thing and i cant handle that lmao), which the thieves (sans akechi- this will be explained later) probably realize exists somewhere around the end of sae’s palace.

Since the palace isn’t really akira’s distortion of a place so much as it is his distortion of what’s expected of him, his keywords could probably be something like “everyone’s happiness” and “his responsibility”? And I guess the location could just be leblanc since that’s where he lives?? I haven’t really. thought this part out too heavily lol ^^; feel free to interpret it as you’d like.

It’s probably been done before, but the whole thing is based around the idea of akira's shadow manifesting as atlas, but instead of holding up the weight of the sky, he’s holding the growing weight of people’s expectations. So, the palace itself is....you guessed it.....a tilting building! wow! It’s only not completely falling over because akira’s holding it up from the foundation, since it’s full of people he’s afraid to let down :)

sort of like that. it doesn’t have to be an apartment building, obviously. In all honesty what’s in my head is just like. a giant white cube. cause i really don’t know what “feeling responsible for other people’s continued happiness” would manifest as aside from something that could maybe hold cognitions of said people, so please accept the apartment building for now lmao (again feel free to interpret as you like)! And his outfit is definitely subject to change, i just stuck him in the first thing that came to mind xD

“BUT SOPHIA,” i hear you asking, “IF AKIRA’S RIGHT THERE, CAN’T THE PT JUST FIGHT HIM AND TAKE HIS TREASURE REALLY QUICKLY?” NO, you fool!! He’s holding up the weight of the world! does it LOOK like he’s got time to fight, let alone know where the hell his treasure is?? It being Akira’s palace, of course he cuts a deal with them- find his treasure and they can just keep it since it’ll be a weight off his mind (literally), in exchange for someone bearing the building for just a few minutes so he can have a break before they actually leave with the treasure. The thieves agree to this and eventually head into the building he’s holding up (i thought the thieves stealing his treasure literally adding weight to his mind/being another burden he has to shoulder was a funny concept here), and begin searching.

pretty much at this point I just figured the goal would be scaling the building, since the treasure is most likely at the top? (cause i mean honestly speaking if it’s not with akira, where else would it be. just finding it sitting in the middle of the fifth floor seems anti-climactic). As they ascend, they realize everything is in perfect equilibrium, perfectly balanced on both sides of the building so it helps it not topple. E.g., on one floor one side of the hall has a ryuji cognition while the other has an ann cognition, or something to that effect.

Earlier I mentioned the thieves sans akechi finding out about this palace late into the infiltration of sae’s because if the thieves were to discover akira had a palace, i doubt they’d tell akechi when they know he’s going to betray them and wouldn’t want him to purposefully muck up their infiltration. I also thought it would be interesting to see an akechi cognition in the palace, and maybe have it purposefully doing something to throw akira off balance (a consequence of him knowing about the assassination plot, explaining why it would be late in sae’s palace)? my initial thought was literally something like ‘the thieves walk into a room just in time to see the akechi cognition step off the edge of the balcony and un-balance the building, causing the gimmick of the palace to become having to leave a party member behind to keep it balanced every time something throws it off-balance on their way to reach the top’ or something. but idk! that seems a little extreme and i didn’t really put any thought into how they’d get back down afterward, so. just consider there being a trouble-maker akechi cognition, lol. ^^;

anyway! they reach the top eventually, the treasure’s there. hooray! they head back down to send the calling card. I genuinely don’t know whether akira knows about his palace or not in this au or whether he even wants the pt to steal his heart, but. He gets a calling card none-the-less, since whatever is causing his distortion is harmful to him and his friends want to help him. And I don’t feel like exploring the potential consequences of it being his choice or not rn >o>

So the pt go back in to steal the treasure! And it goes really easily. in and out! but before they can leave, Akira’s shadow asks them to uphold their part of the deal- someone take the weight of the palace for him for a minute so he can know what it’s like to exist without the weight of that on his shoulders for a minute before he disappears. Now...if you know anything about atlas’ encounter with heracles, you know that he tries to trick him into holding up the sky indefinitely. WELL! guess what happens when one of the pt takes up his mantle under the building. Akira’s like “oh gee, thank you! you’re a great friend.” and then yoinks his treasure from the others and tells them they’re going to have to try to take it from him. he’s got people relying on him, and he needs this in order to keep them happy!!

the supposed gimmick of the palace continues, in that the PT are always one party member down during the boss fight (maybe you can switch out whose holding it? i don’t see why you couldn’t, so long as someone always is).

This is where my planning on the palace kind of ends, because I’m not sure what akira’s shadow turns into during the bossfight. Back when i first got into p5 vanilla, i didn’t have a whole palace au but i had a kinda melancholy akira shadow encounter thought out, where when his friends ask why he hasn’t transformed into a monster during his boss fight he says something like “i’ve got a palace. i’m already a monster, aren’t I?” or something to that effect. so, that’s an option, but it sort of doesn’t fit the vibe so... idk! again feel free to interpret it as you will lmao.

When they do defeat him and get his treasure back, he tells them to get out of the palace before it collapses and takes the (now probably crumbling) building from whoever’s currently holding it. The thieves feel bad leaving him there, and he tries to convince them that he’s heading back to his real self in a few moments so they shouldn’t worry, but they all band together for a hot minute and help him hold up the palace even as it collapses, and it’s like. a show of solidarity? Like a “you can call on us if you need help” kinda thing? and they’re with him till he disappears and they escape.

Not sure what happens when they get back to the real world or what akira’s treasure turns out to be (i’ve seen other aus where its his probation notebook so. maybe that?), but thats it!

...yep. i’m not as attached to it as the train one (cause its not got goro in it lmao), but! that’s what i got. :>

thanks for asking though, anon! I hope that was what you were looking for!

[wkemeup]

Call to Action

inbox request: “hiii i'm really curious what's gonna happen if bucky gets assigned to work undercover again? 🥰“ by @sarge-barnes-sir​ ❤️ pairing: bucky x reader chapter word count: 1.7k warnings: sweet loving angel bucky, kas cant let go of this series yet  a/n: surprise!!! we’re not done with our Sundays yet! I do plan on doing more of these, so keep sending in ideas if you have them!  🌹series masterlist 🌹

You woke to an empty bed; sunlight streaming in delicately from the soft overlay of ivory curtains and the soothing scent of a freshly steeped tea at your bedside, steam still rising from the mug. Stretching your arms up over your head and then out to the sides, you frowned as your fingers curled around the empty sheets beside you.

“You can’t ask me to do that, Steve,” Bucky’s hushed voice carried from the kitchen.

You turned to the door, narrowing your eyes upon the thin crack in its frame. It wasn’t unusual for Steve to be at the apartment, but the clock to your left told you it was far too early for a friendly visit. Judging by the tone in Bucky’s voice, it couldn’t be anything good.  

“It’s not me, Buck. It’s way over my head.”

You quietly pushed aside the sheets, setting bare feet on the hardwood floors and grabbed for the robe hanging over the bathroom door. You slipped it quickly through your arms and wrapped it at the waist before you carefully pushed open the door. Disregarding the state of your hair laying frizzy and untamed at your shoulders, you crept down the hall.

Bucky was pacing in the kitchen, hands clenching at his sides, head shaking defiantly as he muttered under his breath. Steve sat at the table, watching with every stride Bucky took as he laid back into the chair; though the rigidity of his posture betrayed the calm persona he put on.

“I’m not going back under,” Bucky asserted. He didn’t seem to notice you emerge from the hallway as he continued to pace divots into the tile of the kitchen floors, but Steve did. His back straightened, his expression melting into something mirroring an apology as he met your eye.

“I’ve been out for almost a year,” Bucky continued, stare focused on the floor, tunnel-visioned and disregarding Steve’s attempts to draw his attention to you. “I told Fury I was done, Steve. He can’t pull me back in! Hydra was my last job and I’m-- I’m not leaving Y/n after everything we went through. So... So, you can tell Fury to fuck off!”

An unsettling silence took over; only Bucky’s muffled footsteps and labored breaths carrying through. You hadn’t realized how tightly your jaw had clenched until you tried to speak.

“They’re sending you undercover again?”

Bucky froze dead in his tracks, his head snapping up to find you watching him from the hallway. His eyes were wide, lips parted. He uncurled his hands, though it looked as though it ached to do so, and brushed them on his pants. Light blue plaid, white t-shirt with the neck a little stretched out. He was still in his pajamas.

“No,” he answered quickly though it wavered in his voice. He closed his eyes, hearing the hesitancy and he dropped his chin to his chest. He took a minute, found his breath, and when he looked at you again, he softened, a smile pushing up at his lips though it seemed forced. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t think you’d be up so early.”

Bucky made his way to you, his hands gently settling on your shoulders and soothing their way down your arms to encase your hands in his own. You kept your stare on his chest, trying to find something to focus on, and it helped as he squeezed your hands. Something real. Something solid. Bucky.

“I thought you were training recruits,” you murmured.

“I was.” Bucky winced as it came out. “I am.”

“Fury’s used to relying on Buck for this stuff,” Steve explained, slowly standing from his spot at the table. “He wasn’t happy when Bucky stepped down from the field. You’ve got to understand, he lost the guy who’s got more successful undercover OPs than anyone else in the Bureau. Bucky’s good at what he does. He put a lot of bad guy behind bars and saved a lot of lives.”

You knew. Probably more than most people.

“They can’t make him, can they?” You hated how small your voice sounded; frail like a child’s. You wrapped your arms around Bucky’s waist, afraid that if you lost contact with him for even a second, he’d be pulled away. You missed how Bucky glanced back in Steve’s direction for the same assurance.

“No, they can’t,” Steve replied calmly, a slight smile on his lips just barely noticeable.

You nodded, though it didn’t ease the racing in your heart. You held your arms tightly around Bucky, listening for his heartbeat to center yourself. “Do you want to?”

“What? Of course, not,” Bucky replied without skipping a beat. “Why would you even ask that?”

You shrugged. “You’ve saved so many people. You're clearly meant for this work, Bucky. I don’t want to keep you from that.”

You knew what that felt like; to be held from the one thing that made you feel whole, to be pushed into the shadows of a life you were never meant for, to be cast off to something less than what you deserved. It was different from what Brock had done to you, but it still had the same result, didn’t it? You were keeping Bucky from the job he dedicated his life to.

Bucky shifted slightly in his stance and he gently began to pry your arms from around him. It caused a jolt of panic at first, but then his hands soothed their way up your arms, to cup at the side of your face, guiding you to meet his eyes; stunning painted brushstrokes of blues and greys and oceans and summer skies.

“You’re not keeping me from anything,” Bucky told you, a sincerity heavy in his voice. “I promised that nothing would take me from you again and I meant that. I’m not leaving you.”

Your eyes fell downcast, struggling to hold his gaze. “But if I wasn’t around--”

“But you are,” Bucky pressed, leaning forward to kiss your cheek, then the other, then the tip of your nose, until he pulled back with a smile. “I love you, sweetheart. That changes things. Before I met you, I would have taken any case I could get my hands on for the excuse to throw myself into a world that wasn’t my own. I would have jumped at the chance to pretend to be someone else for a while and lose myself in a new identity. But I don’t want that anymore. I want to be here. With you. I want to spend all my days loving you. Is that so much to ask?”

Another kiss to your temple, then your jaw, your cheekbone, until you were smiling again. He was so beautiful when he looked at you like that, like he thought the whole world of a woman who spent so many years told she was nothing.

“I just don’t want you to wake up one morning and feel like you lost something by being with me,” you explained slowly, quietly, and your eyes trailed down to his chest to avoid his eyes.

“Not possible,” Bucky eased and you felt his lips as the touched the crown of your head. “There hasn’t been a morning that’s gone by where I haven’t woken up feeling like I’m the luckiest man alive.”

You looked up at him, awe and wonder, stunned silence, and he gently leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to your lips. Steve was still standing in the kitchen, averting his gaze, though he was smiling. Bucky brushed a thumb over your lips as he pulled back.

“Doesn’t matter what I do for a living,” Bucky continued. “You’re by my side. That’s all that matters.”

You grinned up at him, a laugh bubbling under the surface. “But you hate the recruits.”

“I don’t hate the recruits,” Bucky argued, rolling his eyes when Steve began to snicker from the kitchen table. “They’re just little shits that would walk head first into a wall if I didn’t hold their hands.”

He was laughing again, bright and joyful, and tension hanging thick in the apartment began to dissolve away. Bucky turned back to Steve, his arms held tight around you.

“We good, brother?”

Steve nodded, a rare smile upon his face. “Yeah, man.”

“What will you tell Fury?” Bucky asked.

Steve pursed his lips. “Pretty sure if I remember your words correctly... ‘fuck off.’”

Bucky winced. “Maybe not that.”

Steve shook his head, that same carefree smile on his face he reserved for quiet moments like these upon his face. It was really quite sweet when you thought about it. This broad, stoic man with the weight of his team on his shoulders who only learned to let go when he knew it was safe. He cared so deeply for his friends and you were proud that Bucky had someone in his life like Steve.

“Sam’s been itching for his turn in the field for a while now anyway.” Steve shrugged, beginning to gather his things and head to the door. “I’d say it’s about time we break in the new kid to fill his spot. Danvers is a hell of a recruit, Buck. You did good.”

“She won’t take your shit, Rogers,” Bucky teased as he squeezed you a little closer. “Sam's either. Nat will love her.”

“She’ll fit right in.” Steve laughed.

There was a pause, a beat, and Steve held his stance by the door for a moment longer.

“I never thought I’d see a day when Bucky would turn down a job,” Steve said, leaning against the frame. There was a gratefulness in his eyes as he looked at you, a soft smile upon his lips. “It’s nice to see you happy, man. You got a good woman to thank for that.”

Steve nodded at you, an appreciation you weren’t sure you’d ever be able to grasp completely, and you smiled back at him. Bucky chuckled a little, heat rising in his cheeks and he nodded in agreement. As Steve, turned to leave, you felt Bucky press a kiss to your forehead; the little reminders that he was there, that he loved you, and he wasn’t going anywhere.

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

Flesh & Blood | Part Six

Series Summary: A mysterious stranger with ties to your past shows up in your small village

Pairing: Count Dracula x reader

Word Count: 1670

Warnings: none? maybe slightly out of character Drac 

A/N: as always spelling and grammar is not my strongest skill so please be kind :) if you want to be added to the taglist let me know (please note I cant reply to comments using this blog)

Masterlist | Part Five

- - - - -

“Ughhhhhh” you let out a loud groan as your alarm blares through your room, waking you up before you're ready. You sit up and the pounding in your head reminds you of the amount of wine you consumed the night before, and the vampire you consumed it with. Slowly it all comes back to you. The candle lit picnic. The heart wrenching love story. The almost kiss.

Butterflies flutter around your insides as you relive the moment in your head. But they soon disappear when you remember how close you came to being Dracula’s kill of the night. 

The clock on the nightstand reminds you that you have somewhere to be. You quickly get ready for work, take some painkillers and head to the high street. 

“Morning love!” Maggie calls from the kitchen as you enter the bakery 

“Morning Mags” you say, not quite matching her cheerfulness 

“How was your evening?” She asks as she continues to knead the bread she’s making “did you get some sleep?”

“Not really no. I, uh… I kinda had a date” 

“What?!” She spins around to look at you, spilling flour in the process. She grins at you “who’s the lucky man?.. Or woman? No judgement here”

“Man” you giggle as you carefully consider whether to tell her the truth “well, actually… vampire” you say sheepishly and her face drops. 

“Y/N. Please tell me you're joking” 

You shake your head and she stares at you. 

“Do you understand how dangerous that was? He could have killed you!” 

“But he didn’t” you shrug, choosing not to admit he almost did “look, I know it was dangerous but I needed answers from him Mags. And it was actually a really nice night. We talked and laughed a lot, and he told me things that I don't think he would have told me if anyone else was there.”

“You're talking about him as if he isn’t a vampire. A murderer!”

“Maybe that’s not all he is! Maybe he’s more than that. I saw a different side to him last night.”

She watches you for a moment before coming to a realisation “oh my God, you're in love with him”

“No! No, I’m not in love with him”

“But you have feelings for him?” 

You look at her and take a deep breath before slowly nodding your head. Maggie closes her eyes and lets out a sigh.

“Oh Y/N. What am I going to do with you, eh?” She walks up to you and pulls you into a hug.

“Are you going to tell Zoe?” You ask quietly.

“Not if you don't want me to”

You let out a sigh of relief. 

“BUT you have to keep me in the loop. Okay? You tell me when and where you meet him, every time. And you let me know you're safe. Always.”

“I will, I promise. Thank you Maggie”

“I love you Y/N, I just want you to be happy”

The sound of the front door opening ends your conversation as Maggie goes to serve the first customer of the day. You take your phone out of your pocket and decide to quickly send Dracula a text.

“Can I see you? x”

— — — — 

Lying in bed that night you once again find yourself thinking about Dracula. Even though you’ve only known him a short amount of time, he has completely taken over your thoughts. You wonder if he thinks about you as much as you do about him. Clearly not since he hasn’t replied to your text today. You sigh as you roll over in bed and gasp as you see him lying next to you. Before you can say anything his hand is around your throat. You try to scream but no sound comes out. You try to fight, but your limbs disobey. You're completely at his mercy and he manoeuvres himself on top of you. 

“You left our little date so quickly last night, I thought I’d finish it now.” 

He grins revealing his glowing sharp fangs. With a growl he lowers his head to your neck and you shut your eyes tight as he sinks his teeth in.  

Your eyes shoot open as you sit upright in bed and bring your hand up to your neck. No bite marks. It was just a dream. You take deep steadying breaths as you reach over to turn on the bedside light.

“You know you really should lock your windows”

You turn your head and see Dracula outside.

“What are you doing?” You ask, climbing out of bed and walking over to the window “Van Helsing’s guard dogs will see you, why don't just you come-” 

“NO!” He stops you “Do not invite me in, it’s not safe. I thought the dream I just gave you would have taught you that”

“You did that?”

“I’m just dropping by to tell you how much I enjoyed talking with you last night, and to say that I am truly sorry about how it ended. After tonight you won’t have to worry about your safety anymore”

“I’m not worried”

“That’s the problem Y/N, you should be! I am a vampire, I have murdered innocent people. You should be terrified of me!”

“Zoe isn’t”

“Zoe has a reason, her blood is like poison to me”

“What?”

“She didn’t tell you? She’s dying, that’s why she isn’t afraid. I can’t drink from her without killing myself in the process. But you, Y/N the only thing stopping me from drinking your blood is my own self control and I cannot rely on that. You saw for yourself last night how quickly I can change, how easy it would have been for me to kill you”

“But you didn’t”

“But I could have! Either you don't understand the danger you're in when you're around me, or you just don't care. Maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to you, fascinated by you even. But I cannot allow you to risk your life any longer” 

“Surely that’s my choice to make”

“Not anymore. I’m leaving the village”

“No”

“I’m not here to debate! I’m here to apologise which now I have done I can say goodbye”

“No!” You reach out the window and grab his hand, taking him by surprise. “Stay! Please, I don't want you to go. Just come inside and-”

He quickly pulls his hand out of your grasp and looks at you with a slight hint of panic in his eyes which quickly turns to anger “I told you not to invite me in. How could you be so stupid?”

“Drac-”

“Goodbye Y/N”

“No! Dracula!” You call after him but he’s gone.

You grab your phone off the bedside table and call him, but it goes straight to voicemail. Maybe he just needs a couple of days and then he’ll come around. But what if that really was goodbye? 

You sink back down into bed and pull your duvet up around you, hugging yourself tightly for comfort as you eventually drift off into a restless sleep. 

— — — — 

Just over a week later you're awoken one morning by a frantic knocking at the front door. You step into you slippers and grab your dressing down, wrapping around yourself as you run down the stairs. You're surprised to see Zoe stood on the other side when you open the door with a young man you recognise from your first visit to the Harker Foundation. Zoe walks straight past you into your living room and the boy looks at you apologetically. 

“Uh, what’s going on?” You ask as you gesture for the boy to come in and close the door behind him. 

“Dracula” she drops a file on your dining table and looks at you expectantly. 

“What about him?” You reply nonchalantly, shrugging your shoulders.

“Were you ever going to tell us he’s left the village?” 

“I presumed you’d know, and clearly you do otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Besides its not like he told me where he was going-”

“London.” Zoe cuts you off “We’ve traced him to London with the help of Jack”

“Hi, I’m Jack” The young man steps forward and waves awkwardly.

“Seem’s Dracula took a liking to Jack’s girlfriend-” 

“She wasn’t my- we were just friends” Jack stutters

“-to Jack’s friend.” Zoe corrects herself “So much so that he killed her”

“I’m so sorry” you offer to Jack and he gives you a small smile before you turn back to Zoe “But what has any of this got to do with me?”

“We need you to come with us to London and talk to Dracula. Convince him to come back to the village” 

“Why me?”

“He’ll listen to you”

“He wants nothing to do with me! He made that perfectly clear! He won’t even answer my texts, what makes you think he’ll listen to me?”

“He has a connection with you Y/N.” Zoe says, but her voice sounds different “just like he had a connection with your great great grandmother all those years ago. Why else would he spare the life of Sister Y/N? Why would he spare yours now? He feels something for you and it scares him. The man who cannot die is afraid to get close to anyone who can”

You think over her words for a moment, then you remember.

“Martha” you whisper to yourself. Zoe and Jack look at you confused “he had a wife, but she died. It makes sense now, why he is the way he is.”

You think again and take a deep breath, nodding your head.

“I’ll come with you. But I don't think it will change anything”

“Get dressed, we leave in half an hour”

Part Seven

Taglist:  @agent-smulder​ @angeli-fucking-cat​ @linakeroline​ @lemonscoffee​ @emmalee090​ @denyeverything1​ @clussysposts​ @a-dorky-book-keeper @kandomeresbitch 

[transmeds]

My apologies, another person in your replies said “Anon you realize that exact logic is and HAS been used to justify the deliberate misgendering of trans people, right” and I thought it was you. Anyhow, there is no reason to get so nasty, I’m just asking you to explain your thoughts on this since you frequently post in the tags with your opinions. Being a “boy” or a “girl” is a social role, not necessarily a gender. So, yeah, it’s possible to take on a different gender role than the one associated with your gender. Since roles are often conflated with gender, they tend to be used interchangeably. People who are PNC often use “wrong” pronouns to express their complicated relationship with gender identity. Aside from this, some people use certain pronouns for themselves because they simply enjoy them, which is their own prerogative. So, then, you’re against being PNC because 1) it’s too complicated for you personally to process and that is somehow deserving of your vitriol and 2) you feel that English grammar and syntax rules are more important than respecting people’s referential language? How is challenging language any different than challenging gender stereotypes, as one would do being GNC? Do you prioritize your comfort over the dignity of other transgender people, or do you seriously think that language is sacred? Words are created all the time and definitions change with their usage. It sounds that rather than even attempt to accommodate your brethren, you would prefer to latch on to the anti-PNC position so you have some excuse to not challenge your notions of “gendered” language. As a person with an auditory processing disorder myself that impacts my life greatly, that is not an excuse for you not to better yourself, even if it is difficult for you. Other people do not deserve your anger for simply existing with pronouns that challenging the status quo. If you *definitively and actively know* a person’s pronouns are contrary to their appearance or identity and you refuse to even try to refer to them properly, that is not an issue with processing, but with conflating pronouns with gender identity at the best and willfully choosing to disrespect them at the worst. That can’t be explained away by saying you have a processing disorder. Do not attempt to paint being PNC as ableist because you are unwilling to challenge your deep-seeded, actively obsolescent beliefs. Having a processing disorder makes people rely on context. If you are communicating with or about someone whose pronouns you know, PNC or otherwise, you have been provided the context. You are choosing to either ignore it for your own comfort and a lack of desire to improve yourself or because you think language is more important than people. If I’m wrong, prove it.

i didnt mean to get nasty i just dnt have a good concept of whats too mean n stuff.

i love that you consistently add more to what i am saying and look to deep into it to paint me as a bad person but i will get to that later. its hard to pay attention to one thing at a time but i will try 2 go in order.

being a boy or girl isnt a social role,, its just being a girl or boy?? like a kid female n kid male like. thats not a role thts a fucking.. way to describe someones gender when theyre a kid?? like i cannot even understand why i have to say that. wtf do u think being a girl/boy is?? its a way to describe someones gender, like pronouns. not a role or gender expression.

im not against it because its too complicated or that i want to disrespect ppls pronouns or something like that you want to put into my mouth. challenging a language is different than challenging gender rules because language was made with a purpose and one that still matters today. gender roles never served a solid purpose, them getting removed doesn't matter at all.

this is really pointless because youre going to keep refusing to recognize that language is important and that pronouns aren't something that you just use to make yourself happy, they are a tool in language that serve two singular purposes. to replace a name. and to describe the person in a gendered way. getting rid of gender should just mean getting rid of pronouns all together because they are pointless without any description of the person that they are being used for. because then you cant fucking tell who they're talking about at all. this is why robots struggle with pronouns :)

its funny to me that you add "appearance" to "identity" as if 1. they match. 2. that i at all ever said they have to watch appearance. if you didnt know im NOT PASSING. 3. as if appearance matters <3

this isnt about me wanting to be rude or not challenge gender roles or anything, im a very gnc man myself. this is about the fact that pronouns only real purpose is to tell you what gender someone is, not if they're masculine or feminine or just like the sound of them. this is why getting called "she/her" makes the majority trans men dysphoric, but why wearing dresses or having traditionally feminine roles won't make the majority of them dysphoric.

you clearly aren't listening to what im saying so i dont see why you insist on replying and putting things in my mouth from finding excuses like "someone else said it" to whatever youre going to make for trying to say i just dont like people who r pnc and am using processing an an excuse, instead of an example of why its important this time.

language isnt more important than people, but people can not exist as is without a way of communicating. trying to tear down communication because you dont like its rules just make what it is to be human harder to be. i cannot be myself to anyone else if there is no words to describe who i am in a strictly male or unrelated sense. there's a difference verison of you to every person you know, and you can't make it remotely accurate without the words to express it.

[mallowstep]

how do you find the energy and motivation to write like... everyday?? i literally cannot write unless i am possessed by a thought in my brain and forced to spew out everything onto paper. and then i cant look at it again ot edit it. like, i really love writing and if im forced to do it for school i will, but i cant write for myslef.

practice.

first, i want to say that i am going to describe how i write, but it is not necessarily going to work for most people, because it has to do with my own psychology and mental health.

second, i want to say that i view writing as writing for pleasure or writing for work. poetry, for example, i write for pleasure, and i would not apply what i am going to discuss to poetry. that happens when i have something to say. it is OK to not want to write for work. that's acceptable and encouraged.

third, i want to dispel a myth. writing consistently is not about motivation. it is about discipline. and you should take heart in that, because motivation is hard to control. you can't force yourself to want to do something, no matter how hard you try. but if you build up discipline, you can learn to do it anyway.

i'm not going to go into that now, because i'm coming at this from the specific perspective of someone with adhd who uses pressure to force myself to function, which is...a hard balance to strike, and not something i can strictly recommend. it does work for some people. i think of it as an arch.

but i digress, i said i wasn't discussing the specifics of how i function in day-to-day life, lest i encourage others to do as i do.

okay. so. where am i going with all of this?

part one: a long, fairly incoherent ramble about me and mental health and writing

well. i don't think the idea of writing for yourself is very helpful to a lot of people. i do write for myself. but that doesn't get my ass in the chair and my fingers on the keyboard. the thing that does that is not social obligation to others, either, it is the firm knowledge that putting words on paper is going to keep me from falling apart.

i don't do that for myself. i don't do that for anyone but the human need to hold yourself together. i am very happy i feel that need at the moment, and every time i have stopped writing* in the past ten years, i have lost that need.

* writing here should really be replaced with a broader term. creating things. making things. working with my hands and something real. but writing is the best thing i know to fill this in myself.

writing does not feel optional. i started writing seriously when i was not-quite-a-teenager and had untreated depression. it was desperate, then. the need to know i was capable of feeling emotions. since then, writing has been different things at different times. it has been a social need. it has been a creative need. it has been a demanding drive. it has been something i drag myself to do because i know it is good for me.

i don't have to write. i could paint, or draw, or knit, or code, or any number of things. i have used all of those things, and more, in the past, but writing is something i also enjoy.

sometimes writing is dragging myself to the keyboard. it is not always a flurry of words as an idea seizes me. it is, "i am publishing the next chapter of ashes because it is monday and that is what i do on mondays." but.

it is monday, and that is what i do on mondays.

i hate not posting every day. i hate it. i am Untethered. i spent ca. three weeks over the summer completely disconnected from time, but. i post ashes today, it is monday, i move on, i go through the days and they are not the same.

i hate not posting every day. i know that i would be doing better if i could just break through and start again, but figuring out how is hard. some things i know (ibtwicm is stressful because another person is involved, and that means that i cannot work with betas, even though the one i have is absolutely wonderful and i adore her), but other things are just that nebulous idea of not enough time to start.

i don't always have the energy to write. some days are bad. some days my head hurts. i don't have the expectation that i will never miss a day of posting. i've taken plenty of time off. but i like the rhythm.

anyway. let me try to turn that incoherent ramble about me into something...actionable?

part two: what i tangibly do

i have a schedule. that is not requisite, but it saves me from making decisions. i have a schedule and i have fics and one-shots and they all slot into that schedule by arc. i could have done it by anything, but arc was convenient.

anyway.

i figure out what i'm posting when i wake up in the morning, and i try to skim over what i've already got before starting my day. i flick back and forth between writing and whatever i am doing throughout the day.

(which is why, as i transition back into my normal pace, the thing i have been doing to fill the gap will diminish. less au chatter snippets etc, because that is what i have been doing instead of writing.)

by the evening, i'm usually close to done with the draft. i spend a solid chunk of time patching it up, then i do a round of edits, finish my other work, do line edits, and post.

if i have time after that, i start looking at tomorrow's post.

that's it. sometimes i don't want to work on something. too bad. it's on the schedule. or even, "too bad, we're posting something today." unless i am having a bad (read: low spoon) day, i do not waver in that expectation for myself.

in fact, i think the only way ibtwicm will get done is if the final chapter two chapters go up un-beta'd, because the deviation from routine makes me impossibly frustrated with them. we shall see.

anyway. i have spent years building the discipline to be able to do that. if you rely on motivation, do not think you can just flip over and magically learn how to turn an empty page into words because you told yourself that is what you are doing right now. so.

part three: how to build discipline

i said i won't be covering this, and i'm not Really. i'm going to tell you how to get started, and i am going to be the Bad Guy. i am not capable of doing this kindly. there are other, better, resources i encourage you to seek out.

so. you can't start by just. throwing yourself into it. it won't work, it'll be frustrating, etc.

you want to figure out what a reasonable word count/day is for you. i shoot for 3k words/day, but i figure as long as i'm above 1k, i'm happy.

[aside: if you are going to be writing a lot in a day, please take care of your body. have good posture. know how to hold yourself. etc. i credit years of playing piano as giving me strong wrists and nice, curved fingers, and exercises to build and strengthen the same muscles as you use for typing, but just keep this in mind.]

anyway, there's no right number. 100 words is enough. it should be -- what works for me is a number that's just slightly higher than what i can do comfortably, because it means i have to be focused, which keeps me on track. i think this is important. it is not the only way.

and then you just meet that goal. if you're new to this, writing 100 words every day might be hard. you don't have to limit yourself to 100, just hit 100 every. single. day.

eventually that will feel easy.

"i don't feel like writing," you will think, "but i've figured out how to get around that."

then you either feel happy with what you're doing or push your word count up.

me? i don't measure how many words i write, because i've already done all of that. for all i bemoan research and being stuck, i'm generally exceptionally effective. i don't think that's bragging; i think the number of asks i have answered with scenes i whipped out of nowhere demonstrate that.

i have spent years getting to the point where i can open up a blank page, on a day when i feel like crap (emotionally), when i have no ideas and no motivation and every word i put on paper feels robotic and stiff and terrible, and still finish what i started. it's hard work. it might not be worth the effort. but. that's what i do.