#tw: suicide attempt

[lawsbbygirl]

stay

Rating: M Relationship: Monkey D. Luffy/Trafalgar D. Water Law Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Suicide Attempt, Introspection, First Meetings, Hopeful Ending Words: 2900

Summary: New Year's eve.

A night of celebrations and promises, of hope and excitement for the year to come.

New year, new me, and all that, he thinks bitterly.

Read it here

A/N: A very personal piece I wrote for New Year's. Hope you like it 🖤

[cuteguywhump]

Casualty - 38x30 - The Last Post

[brainrotcharacters]

What do you mean "Odysseus, get away from the ledge" 😃

[waitmyturtles]

Love In The Big City: An Homage to the Best Queer Show I Watched This Year*

(*that actually aired this year, because I watch a lot of old shows.)

(TW: suicide attempt)

The time I spent reading the novel and watching the television drama series of Love In The Big City by Park Sang-Young was some of the very best time I invested in art this year.

(credit: @/khunkinn)

I wanted to try to keep up with the amazing LITBC Book Club (click the tag below to see all the club's meta!) earlier this year, but I couldn't on my mom schedule. So here's a wrap-up homage to my overall thoughts about this amazing book and its equally amazing drama adaptation, and hopefully I won't repeat anyone's points from earlier meta.

Earlier this fall season, as the drama was just released, I noted my overall thoughts on Park Sang-Young's 2021 novel. What's so great about the moment in time when a book and its drama adaptation meet the same levels of excellence in art, is that you get to see what each artistic medium can really offer by way of its specific ability to penetrate and dissect certain emotional states. With the drama adaptation, we got a more in-depth sense of the visual and behavioral whimsy of Go Young's T-aras friend group. We got a living, breathing sense of the simultaneous quiet and frantic pulse of the Seoul that Young occupied. We could almost taste and smell the sweat, the tequila, the apple martinis of the nightclubs that Young danced in at all hours.

I happened to love the novel, as I wrote in my previous piece linked above, because I love to cringe at really well-written, pathetic narrators. Like Proust's narrator, like Karl Ove Knausgard in his hefty autobiographical series, "My Struggle," you can read the internal musings of these narrators, and you squirm and cringe, being all like.... "really, bro? I know I have trouble getting it together -- emotionally, physically, sexually, everything -- but, dude, YOU are taking the CAKE."

The reason for the squirm is because excellently-written narrators like Proust's narrator, like Knausgard himself (okay, we can argue about "excellently written," but that's for another piece), are emotional pathologists, dissecting every minute whim of a feeling into words, cutting words that account for every last iota of mental anguish that these narrators feel at every given moment.

It's a brutal accountability test for us readers to weather. And, of course, as the very best art does -- it forces us, the readers, to face our own recognition of the kinds of emotions these narrators are detailing, and asks us to relate to them, vis à vis how we ourselves understand these emotions. Thus, a resulting squirm and cringe, as we reckon with our own emotional accountability in that very moment.

I had so many of these wonderful moments when I was reading the novel version of Love In The Big City. Go Young was so cringe. So pathetic.

(credit: @/my-rose-tinted-glasses)

And while the novel delved brutally into the reasons WHY Go Young was so pathetic and cringe, I enjoyed the drama's ability to sensually and holistically take me into that WHY place as well.

For me, Go Young's journey into the adulthood he ends up in begins with the intergenerational trauma and the avoidant attachment he must have with his mother. I say "must" because he's all she's got, and Go Young, to his misfortune, knows this, and must deal with it, and with her.

This is despite her utterly rejecting his identity, his sexuality, and forcing him at a young age to face conversion therapy in as abusive a situation as possible, literally being kidnapped into the therapy. We know from the novel that his therapists end up realizing that his sexuality is not his "issue," and that the "issue" is his actually deranged, Christian-devoted mother.

The drama doesn't get into that level of details. I will absolutely estimate that it COULDN'T get into that level of detail due to potential censorship, and the portrayed meaning of such a comparison as to show a devout Christian mother as a neglectful, bigoted mother.

But what the drama showed me, in real time, were the spontaneous movements and moments that punctuated Young's life, that were totally derived from the low self-esteem, the lack of internal love and respect he had for himself for most of the series. The emptiness, the lack of BELIEF that he had in himself, that stemmed from the refusal of his mother to accept him lovingly and holistically. I'd recommend LITBC to any potential parent as a guide on how to NOT parent your kid.

As someone trained in the social services, and as a steadfast lover of intergenerational trauma in shows -- and how dramas demonstrate the long-term impact of intergeneration trauma unto their characters -- Love In The Big City is utterly SUPERLATIVE in this category.

And this kind of neglect that young queer people so very often face in their families NEEDS to be depicted in art, so that we can see the risks of what these young people could, and will, grow up to be, without nurturing love in their life.

So. Man. Go Young goes fucking ham on fucking hipster doofus Yeong Su in a restaurant. Yeong Su, who himself deals with a kind of internalized homophobia that results in him producing bigoted "research" on homosexuality. And Go Young, unconsciously hoping that he could find love with a most unlovable man, subsequently attempts suicide.

Go Young breaks up with Gyu Ho minutes before Gyu Ho is to depart to China. I saw that moment as Go Young "releasing" Gyu Ho from the burden that Go Young assumes himself to be -- emotional baggage, Kylie, and all.

Go Young cavorts with Habibi, a man escaping just about everything by way of luxury hotels and unfulfilling work. After his real relationship with Gyu Ho, Go Young follows Habibi on Habibi's orders, having little to no agency in the coupling until the absolute end, as he leaves Habibi with a note. Habibi, who himself is also a subject of clear internalized homophobia, another example of the absolute wrath that social bigotry can lay waste on a queer individual.

Love In The Big City balanced these brutal moments of internalized trauma, bigotry, and homophobia with LIFE as it could be lived: life spent working, writing, drinking, partying, sucking dick and moving mattresses, catching up with old friends, supporting engagements, comforting friends after break-ups, BEING PRESENT for yourself and your family and your friends.

There was a shift of growth and responsibility in Go Young's life when his cancer-addled mother sank her head down on his lap in the sunlight of a park at the end of the second chapter of the drama. But what was so OUTSTANDING about the drama version of Love In The Big City, is that the drama didn't assume that that shift would be a great dramatic moment. Go Young certainly got into a relationship with Gyu Ho afterwards.... but he damn fucked it up at the end.

AND IT WAS OKAY. Even though we viewers were fucking heartbroken, IT WAS OKAY....

... because I believe Love In The Big City was communicating to us that it's perfectly okay to stumble in one's continued growth, in the movement forward of one's life. Go Young gets a new apartment, new light in his windows and his life, and celebrates the move (and the end of Eun Su's engagement) on his rooftop with his besties.

The novel ends a bit more brutally than the drama. In the drama, we do very much get to see Go Young doing a moving-forward thing. I was screaming and pacing at @lurkingshan when I finished the novel, and I felt slightly more uplifted when I watched the drama.

I love that I felt those two ways about my experience with each medium. Again, it shows what I GOT from the experience of reading and watching this story separately. And the drama very much played up the T-aras group more for kicks and lights (especially in the hospital), but I still got such a brutal sense of Go Young's internal mishegoss, that maybe I needed those gworls, too, the way Go Young always did.

The other best queer show that I watched this year did not actually air this year. That one is 2022's The Miracle of Teddy Bear from Thailand, which I will review soon for my Thai QL Old GMMTV Challenge project. The Miracle of Teddy Bear was rooted in anger and accountability against parents, adults, and society, for the wreckage that bigotry and abuse can render, internally and externally, on the bodies and minds of young queer people. It was an utterly exacting exercise in a brutal breakdown of queer pain.

Love In The Big City, in comparison, was a visual meditation on the mundanity of an individual's life -- depicting all the cringe and the pain associated with it -- vis à vis broken and incomplete love from family and lovers. But Love In The Big City also had LIFE, LIFE LIVED, woven through it all. Go Young kept clubbing with his friends, because he needed it, because he needed his friends, because his FRIENDS needed the club, and because his friends needed HIM.

While I felt a broken heart for his relationship with Gyu Ho at the end of the drama, what I had for Go Young was hope -- a hope that, while I knew the man, in fiction, would still experience hurt while moving forward, would still very much move forward nonetheless, on his own accord.

(credit: @/khunkinn)

(tagging @neuroticbookworm for awareness <3)

[random-fandom-chaos]

(Wow the last idea got popular—)

BUT TACOPAD CLAN. YES, YOU.

🫵

Hear me out.

Mepad angst. Like there’s a bunch of Taco angst and do not get me wrong I love it… but Mepad angst where he feels like he is not enough and goes into a spiral of panic attacks/anxiety attacks/disassociation that kinda things… GUYS PLEASE SOMEONE WRITE IT. IF IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN TAG ME PLEASE.

//////

AND FOR GENERAL MEPAD NATION

Suicide warning! Also me being delirious this is all ooc or just my imagination and canon mixed

I saw a fic on Mephone tryna commit with a glass of water since it fried any Meeple products’s circuit. This takes place after II18 I think that OJ would eventually give Mepad and Taco a room, Pickle and Taco are in good terms but not best friends, same thing with Microphone. But anyways Mepad has basically a thousand cuts behind closed door, the oil seeping out of his arms (Test tube made him arms and made it physically able to feel everything.) as he sobbed quietly. He’s always known as the therapist friend but he needs help too. Mephone4 bursts in the room though, Mepad just texted him “I’m thirsty.” And that was it. It took Mephone a while to understand, by the time he got up to Mepads room and kicked the door down Mepad has the Glass of water to his lips and almsot about to drink and Mephone slapped it out of his hands, taking in the sight of someone he trusts about to commit. Then it’s just Mepad venting cuz I think Cobs did something to Mepad. By a wire or a day they went to Meeple he went to Meeple for whatever reason I can come up with…Cobs did…Unspeakable things, Mepad didn’t come back until 3 days later and was basically abused and idk violated. So YEAHH— idk I genuinely wanna learn how to write things and Mepad has NO angst

———

Also tags:

@aroaceweirdos101

@crumpet-doodles

[inknanda67]

Everything was going right, only to go wrong.

My phone broke three times, I almost lost this chapter, but I finally managed to translate and correct it! :3

Receive chapter 6 of Pan flute!

Nanda we're finally going to have more Leshyca-

Shhh~ Angst.

But- Nanda we-

Cat and Worm love can wait! Angst first!

Yes lamb, give this worm nightmares.

[5a-alf]

I'm wondering at which point did jean really begin to believe the shit that was fed to him? When, in between the torture, did he start to tell himself that's what he deserves? When, between his suicide attempt and kevin leaving? Or was it after kevin left?

[avonne-writes]

After Gale's crisis (HS AU)

The lovely @freedomforthewin asked me if 1) Bucky gets nightmares of Gale not surviving after Broken Things and 2) if he wants to sleep in the same bed with Gale and cuddle him to keep him from slipping away. So I thought I'd expand on this a bit.

Original storyline (Gale doesn’t jump)

Although Gale didn’t jump off the bridge, Bucky gets nightmares of Gale dying. With varying frequency, he gets these well into his adult life. Each time, he has to wake Gale up to calm himself down, because Gale sleeping looks too much like death.

Bucky becomes clingy in general. He wants to be by Gale's side all the time. He’s even more physically affectionate than usual - holding hands, wrapping an arm around Gale, playing with his hair, he’s constantly trying to give Gale reassuring and loving touches.

Although affection feels nice most times, Bucky's clinginess clashes with Gale's need for personal space to process his emotions, so they have more fights than usual.

Related to this, Bucky does try to share a bed with Gale as often as Gale lets him, and always finds a position that allows him to embrace Gale.

Bucky initiates more deep conversations about feelings than before. He feels extremely guilty for not catching on how close to snapping Gale was, so he wants to encourage Gale to talk more about his feelings. This is really healing for Gale. He often ends up talking about his childhood, while before his crisis, he used to avoid the topic.

Bucky gets distracted at school, especially during the first few days after Broken Things, when he has to go back to school but Gale doesn’t. He texts Gale a lot and gets stressed if he doesn’t get a reply in a few minutes.

Alternate version (Gale jumps and survives)

Most of the above is also applicable for this version, just exacerbated by the severity of the situation.

But an important difference is that Gale sustained a spine injury from the jump, so he has to wear a back brace for months. His movement options are severely limited in the first few weeks, and he can’t lift anything. He’s not allowed to sleep with Bucky in the beginning because he shouldn't be jostled during the night. However, I can see Bucky choosing to sleep on an air mattress next to Gale's bed just to be with him.

Because of this spine injury, Bucky helps Gale with everything. He throws himself into caring for Gale. Helps him with getting dressed, moving, showering, everything. Georgia helps a lot too, of course, but Bucky gradually takes over.

Being helpless makes Gale feel awful. He’s cranky and frustrated all the time, hates himself, the world, everything. He doesn’t want to leave his bed due to his mental state, but Georgia and Bucky push him because he needs to try to increase his walking range.

In this alternate storyline, the long physical recovery and the severity of what happened put an extra strain on John and Gale’s relationship that might result in them breaking up eventually.

These are some of my thoughts about the aftermath of Gale's crisis. Do you guys have any additional ideas?

[mrsdarkandyandere7]

Cornered

Pairing: Dark Peter Parker x (female) Reader

▶ This is a yandere/dark work and it may contain triggering content so please READ THE WARNINGS before. Do not read if minor.

More at Masterlist

SUMMARY: Peter can’t live without you and he’s not afraid to show it. 

WARNINGS: Fake Suicide Attempt; Manipulation.

AN: Please, reblog and give me feedback.

--

“Don’t! Please, Peter.” you cry out, watching as Peter pulls the knife closer to his wrist, the sharp edge pressing hard against his skin, dangerously close to his veins. 

You’re both crying after a huge discussion that started because you had decided that it was best to give your relation a small break. It’s getting draining to deal with Peter’s constant protectiveness with him always looking over your shoulder, trying to make your decisions for you. 

He’s overbearing and it’s sucking the life out of you. 

Nonetheless, Peter had always been a gentle boyfriend so you made the mistake of assuming that he’d be reasonable enough when you revealed what you had decided for your future. Apparently you were entirely wrong about him. 

“If you leave me, I’ll have no reason to live and then you can truly be free of me. Isn’t that what you want?” he practically chokes on his tears, a small gasp exiting his lips as he draws a cut into the skin. A few drops of blood paint this skin, dropping on the floor. 

“It’s not! Just… put down the knife, okay?” you beg, taking a step towards him. “We can talk this out, Peter.” 

“Why should I listen to you? You’re going to leave me, no matter what.” Peter gives you a sad smile, taking another step back as you try to get near him.

The knife digs again and he groans, the blood starting to roll down his wrist. 

“I-I won’t. I promise, Peter. I’ll stay with you, if that’s what you really want.” you panickly propose. His eyes light up at your offer, hope filling them as he loosens his grip on the knife.

“I want that. And we’ll be together and you’ll love me again? You promise?” he desperately asks, fingers clenching around the knife as he awaits for your answer.

You only hesitate for a brief moment, but you can’t allow Peter to do this. You have no other option but to take him back. 

“I promise. Now please get away from the -” you don’t even get to finish your sentence as Peter immediately drops the knife, which makes a loud noise as it falls down on the ground.

Before you can properly register what happened, Peter’s arms are around you. He lets out a shaky breath, pressing passionate kisses all over your scalp as you stand there, motionless in his arms.

You’re mortified by what just happened, but more so at the promise you’done to Peter. Now you’re never going to be able to leave him. 

Exactly what he wanted. 

[wyverningx]

jeremy's pretty darn good at exy, good enough to secure an athletic scholarship to the best D1 school in california. he doesn't even need to move away from his family to attend, which is a blessing and a curse. things have been somewhat uncomfortable since his mom remarried, but it's fine. he's a freshman at USC, now. he's more free and independent than ever before. the world is his oyster.

he's faced his fair share of sports injuries — who hasn't, given the nature of a contact sport — but the first time he deals with a soft tissue injury as a college athlete hurts more than it did in high school. not necessarily because of the pain, because jeremy's a quick striker but still deals with collisions on the regular, but because being benched for six weeks sucks. he wants to make a name for himself. he wants to shine on the gold court like its namesake.

he gets some vicodin to manage the pain, and it does help.

only —

it starts to help a little too much. it dulls the awkward edge to his family interactions, makes his day-to-day operations a bit more manageable. keeps him in a better mood, relaxed and chilled out, when he's so bored from lack of exercise and stimulation that he starts to go mad.

the doctor gave him a lot of pills. it's fine. he's hurt; he needs them. it's normal.

only —

it's way too easy to get a refill on the prescription. his PCP's been taking care of the knox family for decades, and their office understands jeremy's ambition. they know he's disciplined, given his health and physique. so what's another bottle, or two, for the star athlete of the family?

so it becomes a bit of a habit. it's not a problem, though. being high is just... easier. maybe he doesn't pop the pills for the pain so much anymore, but nobody seems to notice or judge him if he's a little spaced out. there's a lot of mounting pressure once he's back on the court, after all. he missed almost two months of practice. he has to make up for it, because this might be the year the trojans finally take championships and wouldn't it be great, perfect even, if jeremy was responsible for such an accomplishment?

surely nobody can blame him for wanting a little something to take the edge off. he's been to frat parties on campus — bingeing alcohol is so much more of a crutch than a tiny white pill or two.

only —

his family comes home one day after celebrating jeremy's first fall banquet and sees jeremy's brother passed out on the ground, his bottle of pills spilling out across the floor and nonono jeremy only has so many at least they're just on the floor and he can scoop them back into that orange bottle so that he has them for later just in case he needs the safety net but oh god what does it mean that jeremy thought of his stash before his brother's well-being in an obvious suicide attempt, but that's not jeremy's fault. it can't be. he isn't responsible.

right?

[aftgficrec]

Hi do you guys know of any fics where neil ends up in Easthaven (or similar) because years of ignoring his trauma and refusing Bee finally catches up with him and it’s andreil focused?

There’s plenty about Neil and his mental health around, but most fics where Neil is in Easthaven or a similar institution are AUs. We’ve got some postcanon fics for you here where Neil has neglected his mental health to such a degree that the consequences are fairly disastrous (even though often he finally agrees to go to therapy). So, beware of the trigger warnings! - S

Also see these previous recs:

(see top of posts for further recs)

Neil & Bee here 

Neil goes to therapy here

Neil attempts suicide here

You might also like…

Andreil and eating disorders here

Andreil meet in Easthaven here

Neil with depression/mental illness here

Neil with anxiety attacks here

Some more fics featuring Neil struggling with his mental health/seeking help:

‘cracked but not smashed’ here

‘I No Longer Feel Things (I Know I Should)’ (since updated) and ‘I can feel you under my skin’ here

‘I'm Not Okay (I Promise)’ here

‘yes, I’m still trying’ here

I feel the burden now (it’s weighing down my soul) by Loverz_rock [Not Rated, 3238 words, complete, 2024]

Neil broke away from Andrew’s gaze to stare out the window. “Will you keep me from killing myself? Ever since you gave me a key and told me to stay I’ve been fighting to do just that. But I don’t have it in me to do it any longer. I don’t know how to live now that I’m allowed to.” Neil let his fingers run through his hair as he returned his gaze to the blond. Andrew’s hand twitched to reach out. Instead he took a long drag from his cigarette, focusing on letting the smoke out. “Don’t ask for stupid things. I’m not going to make a deal about that” Neil didn’t push, he just stood there staring at Andrew while inhaling the smoke to keep him grounded. “I’m already doing that, idiot.” Or: Neil is sinking down a dark place during his last year of college, but Andrew is there to catch him.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: ptsd

I Am A Forest Fire by hetheylecter [Rated M, 3558 words, complete, 2024]

Everyone was staring at him, he knew. They were thinking how stupid he was for all this. He was Neil Josten. He was Nathaniel fucking Wesninski. He should not be breaking down over a few friends family moving on with their lives.  or. it’s neil’s senior year. he’s totally coping.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: ptsd, tw: vomit, tw: dissociation, tw: blood

Neil Josten is Not Fine by the_greater_grief [Rated T, 3365 words, complete, Aftg Then & Never 2024]

After weeks of nightmares and an embarrassing discovery, Neil finally decides to pay Betsy a visit.

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: nightmares, tw: bedwetting

i'll take anything you have (if you could throw me a line) by ifitmeanslosingyou [Rated M, 923 words, complete, 2024]

the sunrise can be pretty, neil thinks, but instead of the pinks and oranges washing him with ease, neil can’t help the panic at the thought that he’s been up here for longer than he planned to he wonders if anyone has even realized he left the dorms in the first place, wonders if andrew even looked when neil left the bedroom, wonders if he gave up, wonders if he finally came to his senses and realized neil was more trouble than he’s worth wonders if the roof of the court is high enough that the fall would kill him

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: implied/referenced self harm

help, I've lost myself again (but I remember you) by abitsillygoofy [Not Rated, 5320 words, complete, 2024]

“Neil we have to talk about it,” Betsy said “I don’t think so” Neil replied “Nope, not happening” He popped the p at the end trying to make the woman mad at him. “You just tried to kill yourself, so I think we have to have this talk” Betsy didn’t seem bothered by his act and kept her nice, neutral facial expression, but unlike on his session looked worried too. or Neil wakes up in the hospital after his suicide attempt and has to face what he did.

tw: suicide attempt, tw: self harm, tw: blood

I Quit Talking Again, I Know You're Still Listening by Hyalophagia [Not Rated, 36085 words, complete, 2024]

"Andrew didn’t know how to stop something from breaking; he’d nearly died trying. But Neil had taught him it was possible to put the broken pieces back together, and he was determined to return the favour." Neil was only a freshman and a rookie when he made his deal with Ichirou. He hadn't stopped to consider how much pressure he was putting on himself; he'd lived in danger his entire life and was used to fighting to stay alive. He'd be fine. He'd always been fine and he always would be. Right?

tw: self harm, tw: dissociation, tw: disordered eating, tw: ptsd, tw: panic attacks

hand. cheek. trigger. bang. by tae_doelee [Rated T, 3980 words, incomplete, last updated March 2022]

(NB: fic is marked as complete, but the storyline is left unfinished)

Neils struggle with depression post-AFTG, things have changed but maybe not as much as he thought.

tw: ptsd, tw: depression, tw: dissociation

You Still have me by Marydu [Rated G, 3826 words, complete, 2022]

Neil is missing again Andrew is worried Where is Neil? What the hell is going on? Andrew is furious that he doesn't know

tw: dissociation, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: minor character death

bullet point fic/headcanon by nightquills [Rated T, collection, complete, 2021]

Chapter 8: out of touch

neil knew that things couldn’t stay the same forever. he knew he and his foxes, his friends, his family would be leaving palmetto soon to start the rest of their lives. 

tw: depression, tw: dissociation

Choices by Tori_Scribbles [Rated T, 3306 words, complete, 2019]

Part 6 of In A Foxes Hole

“You walked into Evermore, knowing full well what they were going to do to you. You left with your father’s people not expecting to come back out alive. But Betsy is what you’re terrified of?”

tw: anxiety, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Neil & therapy by @queer-lovebot [tumblr, 2023]

Knowing Neil, he isn’t getting therapy post-canon for at Least 5 years. He is, however, extremely curious about the effects it has on literally all the other Foxes.

AU-setting:

you make your hand a gun (you lie to everyone) by superache208 [Rated T, 13740 words, incomplete, last updated Jan 2025]

When Andrew arrives at the Columbia Psychiatric Hospital, he feels nothing but numb. That is until he meets his roommate Neil. Neil has been in the hospital for two weeks, and he's determined to escape. Unless someone gives him a reason to stay. Or: where Neil and Andrew first meet in a Psychiatric Hospital before ever meeting the Foxes and slowly learn to heal.

tw: suicide attempt, tw: anxiety, tw: ptsd, tw: eating disorders, tw: paranoia

more than enough by drunk_poet [Rated M, 6114 words, complete, 2024]

In the shadows of a quiet mental hospital, two broken men find themselves adrift in a world that doesn’t see them. Andrew Minyard hides behind silence, having long forgotten how to connect with anyone. Neil Josten wears his scars like armor, each one a piece of his fractured past. Neither of them expects more than solitude within these walls. But when their paths cross in the silence of an empty room, something unexpected stirs—an understanding, a shared darkness that only they can see in each other. Drawn together by wounds that refuse to heal, they begin to find solace in each other's presence, their guarded hearts slowly thawing in moments of quiet connection. Their bond is fragile, threatened by the very ghosts that brought them here, yet they find themselves clinging to it, both terrified and mesmerized by the possibility of love in the unlikeliest of places.

tw: self harm, tw: implied/referenced suicide attempt, tw: panic attacks

5 Meter Walls | 5 Meter Mauern by jetblackromance [Rated E, 7570 words, complete, 2024]

Teen Neil and teen Andrew meet in a psychiatric ward. Neil’s mom died at the beach after an encounter with Neil's father's men. Neil's own wounds were more severe than he had thought. He passed out in a motel and the owner called child services on him. They found him just in time and called an ambulance. After a few weeks in the hospital, they decided a stay at the psychiatric ward would be best for him. Andrew was staying with Cass and Richard. He had accepted that he had to deal with Drake if he wanted to stay with Cass. He found his own way to cope with it. Usually he hid it well enough; no one but Drake knew about it, the armbands covered the evidence. But one day, Cass saw and signed him up for an eight week long stay at a psychiatric ward.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: scars

Sunrise by hetheylecter [Rated M, 4459 words, complete, 2024]

Freedom was… not what Neil was expecting. It wasn’t as… freeing?  or. neil navigates the hell that is middle school, mental health, and freedom.

tw: self harm, tw: suicide attempt, tw: eating disorders, tw: implied/referenced bullying

Butchered Bloodline by starrycassi [Rated M, 26472 words, incomplete, last updated Oct 2024]

Nathaniel's life is pretty boring. He has been a long-term patient in a mental facility for the last half of a decade, after all, so there aren't that many options to entertain oneself with. That is until Andrew Minyard breaks into his life — along with a serial killer, a chance to rebuild his life and a truth for truth deal. Or the one where after being captured along with his father, Nathaniel attempts to keep up with his own existence.

tw: graphic descriptions of violence, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced dismemberment, tw: cannibalism, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced torture

Baby, We're Both Crazy by Detective4 [Not Rated, 7806 words, incomplete, last updated Jan 2023]

“So...Have you been here before?” Neil’s eyebrows furrowed, “What?” “To Orchard Respite. Or any other hospital I guess. This is my second time here, sixth time in a psychiatric hospital in total.” Daniel said, far too cheerfully. “This is… My first time.” “A first-timer?” Daniel’s eyes widened, “Boy, are you in for a treat."  -- Teens Andrew and Neil meet for the first time in a mental hospital. They've both been committed against their will and both for different reasons. With all their multitudes of issues, can they find love?

tw: implied/referenced suicide attempt, tw: implied/referenced self harm

[madman479r]

Jaune: *Relaxing and watching TV*

RWBYNROE: *Enters room*

Ruby: Hey, Jaune?

Jaune: Yeah, Rubes?

Ruby: Settle this for us. Emerald said she saw you buy a gun but I said that's ridiculous because you never wanted one before.

Emerald: I literally saw him go into a weapons store. Plus, he spent 20 years in that fairy tale land. Maybe he wised up and got something with range.

Jaune: Why the big deal? What is there a bet?

Ruby: Yep. Me, Weiss, Nora and Oscar said you didn't get a gun and Yang, Blake, Ren and Emerald say you did.

Jaune: Hope there wasn't money involved because I did I fact get a gun. *Pulls out revolver*

Nora: Aw crapbaskets! *Hands over lien*

Ruby: wow! Is that a Mateba model 6 unica Autorevolver?!

Jaune: Oh yeah. Looked good so I thought I'd get it.

Yang: But I kinda have to ask why?

Blake: And a revolver of all pistols. They take forever to reload.

Jaune: Well you see *Scroll alarm beeping* 3:30 already? Alright.

Weiss: What does 3:30 have to-?

Jaune: *Puts a bullet in revolver and spins the cylinder before putting it to his head and pulls trigger*

**CLICK**

Jaune: Welp, back to the show. *looks at gun* I'll see you tomorrow.

RWBYNROE:...

Jaune: What?

[ca1e70]

she hates him. in this exact moment, she hates him. with his fingers down her throat and his hand holding her hair back, his own prescription pills are dangerously close to touching her tongue once again, and she hates him because she thinks he hates her for what she did.

he doesn't. not yet, at least. right now he's just scared and worried and upset and a little angry at her insistence to keep his antipsychotics down. they're still in the grace period of ingestion she doesn't need to go to the hospital. the grace period where he can piece together what was scattered on the bathroom floor with what he pulls out of her vomit and avoid a psych phonecall of his own.

she bites his fingers. he pulls her hair and digs in deeper. she doesn't even remember why she did this. why she's fumbling despite the assault to find more pills, finger tips snagging and palming them for later. as if he will turn his back on her for long enough to dry swallow them.

"youre like a fucking dog, throw up"

maybe she is. she always thought of herself like a cat, if she had to be any animal. calculated and adamant about her boundaries. only accepting of affection when she wanted it, when it fit her curated checklist, when the other person deserved it, but he was right. she was like a dog. she begged and pleaded and got into the trash when her owner was gone because any attention, even bad attention, was attention. she overdoses on his medication so she can be the most important thing in his life right now. she drinks herself sick, stupid, stumbling into his arms when the event allows so she can feel what it's like to be cared for. she doesn't like the now bloody fingers in her mouth. she likes when he rubs her back and holds her close and uses a wet washcloth to wipe the wine-filled bile from her chin so it doesn't stain. she stops fighting and lets it come up in his lap and over his hand. he's relieved, rather than disgusted. he lets go of her and she can feel herself tumbling eight stories onto bedrock bottom.

"how much did you take"

"I don't know, I didn't count," she coughs it up, wiping her mouth with the heel of her palm. Everything burns. "A handful?"

"a handful. great. good measurement"

is he mad? he sounds mad. he's worried, maybe frustrated. focused as he tries to count out the white pills fizzling in her throw-up. she tries to help by counting out the seven she has in her palm, but he reaches out to grab them from her like they would burn a hole through her hand if she held them a second longer, so she moves to put herself back together. her nose is running and her eyes are watering and her face is flushed and that isn't attractive. no wonder he's focused more on the pills than her. this is just like when her mother was more upset with the damage to their silverware and the fact the electrician couldnt come by to fix the kitchen wiring until friday. she didn't care that her daughters fingers were blackened, that her veins felt electrified. that she waited for hours until the woman came downstairs to jab that fork into the socket just to ensure she was there for the whole performance.

he looks handsome when he's focused. he looks better when he's focused on her, but this is close enough, for now. this isn't the time to think about the way he looks at her when shes underneath him with her hands in his hair instead. has he looked at someone else like that? is she second-best? third? is she just the only girl disturbed enough to hike her skirt up for him, or is she just the easiest? she's hard to stomach, she knows that, so there must be something in her he can't live without. he wouldn't have manhandled her like that when he came home.

"I could be dead by now. I thought you were good at math."

his jaw sets the same way it does before he punches a stranger at the bar in the face. she almost wants him to do it. to hit her. to let her corrupt yet another subsection of people he knows in his mind. another opportunity for him to think of her.

he doesn't. he keeps counting, carefully peeling each tablet off his jeans and dropping them into the empty bottle from the bathroom floor. she watches him for a while and she steals the lid from next to the toilet, so when he's done, he has to ask her for it back.

[bbcphile]

WIP Wednesday

I've finally worked up the courage to post the opening of one of the Mysterious Lotus Casebook fics I'm writing (Li Lianhua/Di Feisheng/Fang Duobing), specifically, from my post-canon fic where LLH's shiniang tried to sacrifice herself to cure him.

Tw/cw: suicide attempt, mention of off-page non-consensual medical procedure, internalized ableism

***

Li Lianhua crashed to his hands and knees on the ground as the last trickle of his borrowed qi abandoned him, the densely-packed sand doing nothing to cushion the blow. The impact rattled through his spine and ribs, shaking loose a bout of coughing that forced him to swallow down the burning flare of copper trying to escape from his mouth. He couldn’t cough up blood now, not here, too many steps away from the water’s reach. It would leave evidence of his route, a trail that his shiniang would undoubtedly follow once she had broken free from the immobilization. He couldn’t let her find him until the job was done. 

He pushed himself to standing, his arms and legs shaking hard enough to nearly drop him back to his knees, and he blinked to will the dancing black spots from his eyes. The waves awaited him, and he refused to crawl to meet them. He took a staggering step toward the sound of crashing water ahead of him, far fainter now than it had any right to be, and squinted against the sunlight to get his bearings. 

A large gray lump on his left snagged his attention, disrupting the blur of gold and blue that filled up the rest of his view. Why did that look familiar? He took an unsteady step closer, pressing his palm against his chest to convince his lungs to hold back a cough one more time, and the gray lump resolved into a rock. 

A rock that had once served as a pillow that was soft only in comparison to how hard the rest of the day had been.

Of course. He’d landed at Donghai beach. He swallowed back tears with a bitter laugh. Never let it be said that the universe didn’t have a sense of humor.  

He’d returned after all: three months late for the duel and over a decade late for bringing his decrepit body back to the waves that had so decisively spat him out. But surely this time, with all the mysteries solved and no business left unfinished, the sea would accept the offering of his broken frame. Li Xiangyi was long dead and it was past time for Li Lianhua to follow his example. He was already a ghost in every way that mattered. And this was the only way to guarantee his shiniang would live.

She would be furious, of course, but wasn’t furious better than dead? How could it be unfilial to make sure she lived on? Too many people had died for him; he refused to let her join those ranks. Dying to save her was already a far better death than he deserved. 

As for the others, Xiaobao would have his teachings and would be too busy climbing the heights of the jianghu to miss the weak physician he once protected. 

And a-Fei—

—well, how could he still fixate on defeating a ghost with Xiaobao shining more brightly than Li Xiangyi ever had?

No, this end was far better for everyone, and best of all, no one would sacrifice their life or be forced to play caretaker to an empty husk of a man.

A familiar chill seared through his veins and meridians, despite the warmth of the fur of his outer layer, stealing away his breath and the amorphous blue blur before him. He took another stumbling step toward where it had been, his heart stuttering painfully in his chest. 

Not much longer now. It seemed his frenzied dash here and self-shattered heart meridian were more efficient for what he had in mind than the weight his waterlogged fur coat would have offered.

Perhaps he didn’t need the coat for this at all. His body would certainly float further without it. And not even his shiniang could save him now, so what harm could it do to leave some evidence behind? Xiaobao might not believe the beggar’s words, but surely this fur cloak at the water’s edge would put to rest any lingering futile hopes. And then Xiaobao would tell a-Fei.

And if it brought them peace, if it let them say goodbye, then how could he not leave it behind?

It was decided, then. 

He lifted his hands to the coat’s laces, then paused. Were those voices? For a moment, he could have sworn he heard—

—Ah, no, the hallucinations must have started again. 

He smiled. At least he had heard a-Fei and Xiabao one last time, if only in his mind.

He untied his laces with fumbling, stiff fingers, and let the coat fall behind him. 

His heart and lungs clenched with another spasm, and a wave of dizziness broke over him, threatening to drop him to his knees once more. 

He fought against it, muscles shaking as they never had during battles. He couldn’t surrender now; not until he reached the water. He could manage three more steps. He had to.

He tried to lift his foot again.

The world swam before him, and darkness dragged him under.

[sorio99]

So, I’ve pretty much entirely stayed out of the James Somerton discourse, because frankly, I just didn’t think I had anything that valuable to say. I wasn’t a fan of Somerton’s, I never watched his videos or fell for his lies, the first time I heard of the dude was in HBomberGuy’s video, and the most impact he’s had on my life is encouraging me to watch Todd in the Shadows.

That said, I did have thoughts as things developed, about his “apologies”, about his claims of depression, and even about the “suicide note” he posted to Twitter. But, I really didn’t feel like I had anything to add to the discussion that wasn’t already being said by at least 50 other people.

But uh, I have thoughts. About the latest developments.

One of the thoughts I shelved about Somerton in the past was that I wasn’t sure if the “note” being real or fake was the worse option. I really don’t have much sympathy for James, given some of the really heinous shit he’s said in the past, but I’ve never wanted him dead. I personally wanted him punished for his actions, and then removed from public view; I didn’t think anything he’d done deserved the death penalty.

While I do still think that, him posting a fake suicide note makes me VERY skeptical.

Here’s the thing: I’ve talked before about my struggles with my mental health, with Suicidal Ideation, and just general depression. There have been many times in my life where I have wanted to kill myself, and even one occasion a decade ago where I actively tried.

I’m also not a good person.

A few years ago, I did something bad to someone I cared about. I won’t go into details, for both selfish and non-selfish reasons, but suffice to say, it’s the kind of thing where I think most people would say I deserve some kind of punishment.

And I can say, based on that point in time, based on what I was feeling then, I could very easily believe that someone like James was actually suicidal.

I knew it could still be a manipulation tactic, I knew it probably was one. I even knew that, if it was real, it was still arguably a manipulation tactic. But I genuinely thought there was a chance, even a solid chance, that Somerton had wanted to commit suicide.

That chance has gone out the fucking window.

Let me be clear, also: the fact that James was horny posting on an alternate Twitter account, and engaging with media was not what convinced me that it was all bullshit. As someone who’s used the god damned Professor Layton games as a coping mechanism during depressive episodes, I’ve seen far weirder and worse responses to being suicidal.

It was how he talked about himself, responded to his defenders and accusers. The fact that while people were genuinely panicked at the thought that he might have tried to kill himself, he was purposefully stoking the flames and trying to make himself look better.

James Somerton is a fucking bastard, and I never want to hear from him, or ANY defenses of him, ever again.

[writing-in-sin]

UMEMIYA HAJIME HC: GUILT

Warning(s): PTSD, mention of past suicide attempts, unprocessed grief and guilt

-----

I think ever since the accident, Umemiya might've develop a habit on taking the blame for things that aren't his fault especially if its tied to him somehow. He has a great sense of responsibility and tends to carry a lot on his shoulders it seems

So I feel like now that the dust has settled with the Noroshi and he sees the damage that's been done to his home and family all because Endo wanted to trap him for Takiishi, he might feel responsible for the whole incident

So, yeah. I think he has a tendency to harbour guilt for things that are out his control especially when its connected to him somehow. Guilt, I think, is what tends to trigger things within Umemiya

Particularly, his fear and tightly chained rage

When that happens, Umemiya tends to find himself unable to take proper care in his daily life. His apetite tends to suffer first. Then his inability to take care of his plants

The worst is the steadily slipping control over his temper. Unlike others, his rage isnt something that burns everything in his path. But it is fierce and intense

Most of all, it's quiet and can be self-destructive

Unfortunately, his guilt can also trigger his PTSD and nightmares which worsens his control even more. This causes Umemiya to avoid people until he calms down, which admittedly, isn't very easy for him to do on his own

The people who can are usually his foster father Yuki, his sister Kotoha and as an UmeSaku fan, eventually Sakura as well

The 4 Kings try to help and their presence helped a lot but it unfortunately doesn't stop the nightmares. It comes to the point where the lack of sleep and PTSD makes him dazed and not completely lucid when he's awake

So much so that muscle memory made him wander on the rooftop during a meeting to where there's no fence. He's not even close to it yet before he's suddenly pulled back hard enough that he stumbles and falls back into a terrified Sakura

Of course this causes a ruckus especially from Sugishita but Hiiragi quiets them when he sees the raw terror on Sakura's face and the dawning lucidity in Umemiya. When Umemiya tries to stumble away but couldn't because of his weary body, Sakura takes advantage to lay Umemiya's head down onto his lap and hugs him

"Stop, Umemiya." Sakura's voice is rough and shaky, doing his damnest to keep it steady even when fear makes it wobbly. Makes it harder to hide how close to tears he's in. Whispers so that only Umemiya can hear. "Please."

Because even though his family knows his history and the 4 Kings have been with him for years, Sakura's the only one he's ever told of all the times he tried to kill himself before

Which makes the terror and worry in heterochromic eyes all the more devastating

So Umemiya slumps into an exhausted heap and reaches up to gently pats Sakura's head. "I'm sorry, Sakura. I wasn't trying to- I just....I'm sorry."

"...idiot."

Umemiya laughs, half hysterical and half exhausted before blacking out

All in all, it'll take awhile for him to break the habit of carrying such self-destructive guilt but he'll get there especially with his trustworthy Kings and very stubborn kouhai right by him

____

I'll stop here for now. But if possible, I'd like to write a fic of this HC one day. Thanks for reading this far!