#suicidal thoughts warning

[arcenic-catnip]

when youre trying to sleep my the ringing in your ears gets louder and louder and the light is so bright its like a fire and you think to yourself "god i wish i had killed myself when i had the chance"

[blueskittlesart]

Now that you're gone

[waining-crescent-moon]

if keefe died gisela’s plan would fully fail and i need him to know that for personal reasons

[hotwaterandmilk]

PEACEMAKER TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE Isekai Suicide Squad ✪ Episode 10

[observinghenrywinter]

This is what makes us girls ig😪

[izuku]

@animangacreators alphabet challenge: d ↳ ✦ DENJI ✦

[disjointed-art]

Catch my breath Part 2: sprout page 7

Tw: Steve low key talking about unaliving…it is not explicit suicidal ideation but Please skip this page if you’re no okay with this theme!!!

Basically Eddie assumes that’s what he means when he says “give up” which Ed’s isn’t wrong but Steve doesn’t admit that yet.

Me forever projecting onto Steve with my awful mental health from high school 😘

—

—

Happy Monday! Only one page because the weather here is gross and rainy. I also impulsively cut my hair but it actually turned out great so slay!

Full comic

[stellarvoices00]

Can I even call it a relapse if I never got any better??

[magicalrocketships]

☔

☔Is there a fic concept you have that you'd like to just explain and share because you're not sure you'll ever write it? If so, what is it?

Oh, I'm sure I've talked about this before but L U C K I L Y I retain zero information, particularly when I'm tired, so this means I get to explain it again.

SO, the plot which I won't ever write because it gets pretty dark and it also requires me to make up an injury (I got the idea from the first series of Chicago Fire, where the dude whose name I've forgotten (no, really, I retain no information anymore) has a life-changing made-up ?neck? injury where he requires surgery and it will take one year+ to recover from the surgery so he self-medicates and then it's miraculously fixed by a dazzling new surgery in one episode after making it an entire plot for an entire season):

Canon divergence somewhere along the way, maybe the pandemic doesn't happen, maybe he never really got as publicly involved in streaming, whatever, but what's key is that Max doesn't have anything really going on outside of racing and it's this year

So Daniel's left RB/Mcl, and Max is focused focused focused on racing and maybe he gets his first world championship a year earlier but whatever happens, he doesn't build that strong sense of home outside of racing (no cats, no partner, no online streaming, just what's becoming an unhealthy focus on racing and winning at all costs)

Then there's an accident. It happens off-track, so it's not a racing incident, and it's not Max's fault. His car gets hit. And Max is injured. He breaks something in his neck (I am assured this injury does not exist in the manner employed by Chicago Fire. For the purpose of this imaginary not-to-be-written fic, it 100% exists).

Max is told he can't race, maybe forever, but likely for at least a year post surgery

(and at this point I'm just going to c&p from the chat fic doc I saved months and months ago, and it's going under a cut with a content warning here for suicidal thoughts, some mention of disordered eating and childhood abuse, look after yourself, pals)

surviving to drive: the max verstappen recovery story (~3k)

Anyway max realises that he has exactly one (1) thing in his life, racing, and it's just come crashing down and he's v emotionally unhealthy as we know and has nothing else going on so when he loses racing he believes there is literally no other reason to keep going plus he's in hospital

anyway daniel ignores all of max's emotionally unhealthy bans on hospital visitors and sneaks in to see him and he's like... "something is very wrong here"

he leaves and max thinks he's chased him away but then daniel comes back later that day and he's like, "you don't have to have the surgery in this hospital, you can have it done in any of these places *presents a list* so pick a place and we'll go there instead"

so yeah they just go somewhere else and daniel rents them a house and just hangs out with a secretly suicidal max who sees precisely no reason to wake up every morning if he's not racing

and daniel has precisely zero idea that max is still here/alive/whatever just because daniel is there every night and every morning and max doesn't want daniel to have to see him like that

ANYWAY max is very clearly not in a good place and his dad sends him messages telling him how he can improve his recovery and get better faster

it becomes more difficult for max to hide the fact that he's alive mostly by virtue of not being dead right now

and he's had the surgery or whatever and he's looking at a 12 month recovery so he's definitely out for the whole of the next season so daniel's like, "It doesn't matter how long recovery takes, take your time" which of course he has precisely zero idea of how to deal with since he's been racing so long and has nothing else in his life

Something happens idk he breaks a glass and Daniel finds him with cut hands and a piece of glass idk and Daniel's like, "a new crisis! I can help with that! this is clearly not something that max has been dealing with daily for weeks now, it's a new thing!"

so he's like, IT'S THERAPY TIME BABY, no more clutching a handful of broken glass and bleeding everywhere, superdaniel is here to help

yada yada finds max a therapist and max HATES IT, HAAAAATES IT, he's uncomfortable and the therapist makes him feel worse and he still wants to like... not be here if he can't race today, he can't wait a whole year

and daniel asks him how it's going and Max lies because why wouldn't he and he's been doing miserable things his entire life that he didn't want to do so what's another thing on top of everything else

meanwhile Daniel's like... hmmmm this is scary Max looks worse

and he sits in on a therapy session and half way through he's like, "nope, we're ending this, sorry, bye, you can have the money for the whole hour but we're never speaking to you again"

points out to Max that that therapist was awful and why didn't Max just tell him how awful it was and how it made him feel

Max, who's never had a choice over anything in his entire life: "..."

anyway he gets max to try another couple of therapists and in the end there's one who is NOT monstrously awful and does not make Max feel like he wants to scratch his own skin off

so Max gets THERAPY and it becomes clear that max's childhood was weaponised beyond belief and he doesn't even know what foods he likes and doesn't like

because he never got a choice and he was always on some kind of food plan that his dad could withhold or not according to how max was doing in every other area of his life

well of course, he gets a whole year of therapy and it turns out his dad was an abusive asshole and he is BLOCKED from Max's phone

and Max has to do things like "make sure his life has more than just racing in it"

so he reads a book

the first one he's ever read

he tries food and tries to figure out if he likes it or if it's just a source of energy he has to eat anyway

he gets a PLANT

it DIES

anyway whatever he gets therapy and he lives in a house with daniel and is allowed to feel some things because he never really felt anything before

and daniel goes off and does some promo stuff idk and films some shit from the house and max is maybe in the background or something and no one's heard from him in ages and in fandom it's all like MAX IS IN DANIEL'S HOUSE etc

and the drive to survive people get in touch and are like, can we interview you for the series even if you're not on the grid, do some stuff about your recovery etc etc

and max is like... i guess

he's not, like, actively suicidal any more because his life has actual pillars of stuff that isn't just racing

his life isn't just like dependent on one jenga tower of racing with the pieces falling down

like, he can't wait to get back to racing but he's like, six months in to therapy or whatever and he's been living with daniel and it's... nice to just... watch movies with him and eat stuff and play computer games (daniel banned racing games so max has had to... compromise)

and maybe there are some... warm feelings

some best friend shit when he's never had real time for a best friend

some "i could probably spend more time with daniel in a forever kind of a way and not get tired of it" you know

BUT ALSO, daniel blowing up his life for max, he saw max in that hospital room and didn't once question what it would mean to him to step back and just... fuck shit up so that max would be okay

anyway drive to survive team show up and they do a bit of interviewing and it is VERY CLEAR that this isn't a natural fit for an episode because Max has, for once, got some shit to say

so they come back with an idea for a spin off documentary that's just Max and this injury and getting back to driving

because Daniel has kind of been fielding red bull this whole time, saying "he's not racing this year, leave him alone, give him some space", and he's got to go out and talk to them or do some promo stuff with them, whatever, he's going away

Max says the timing is good because he can do the main body of the interviewing about what's come before etc, then Daniel can come back and do his bits

and then the docu team are like, "where do you think you'd be right now if you hadn't crashed" and Max looks at the camera and says, "dead, I think" and the team know they're on to a winner because Max has realised that actually, driving like you don't care if you're alive if you don't win isn't actually okay

anyway Max does the documentary interviews and Daniel comes back and Max tells him he can talk about whatever he wants, it's fine but when the team ask him about helping Max when he realised he wasn't coping, Daniel won't give any details and says it's Max's story to tell and he just wanted to make sure his best friend was okay

not realising that he looks very much in love during this idk

ANYWAY SOME TIME PASSES and they do a bit more documentary stuff and Max is preparing to race again and Daniel is doing some stuff with red bull and he flies out somewhere to do an interview and photoshoot for some magazine or other.

The first clips from the documentary are released and they're on youtube and clipped up for instagram and Max posts them but the first picture is just like, 'this contains discussion of suicidal thoughts' etc

Daniel is preparing for this photoshoot and interview

anyway the first clip is about Max in hospital and they go straight in for the kill, Max saying, "I didn't want to live if I couldn't race.

"I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to speak to anyone, I shouted at the nurses, I just wanted to get somewhere so I could figure out how not to wake up again. And then Daniel walked in.

"He didn't know how bad it was, he didn't know anything specific, but he knew something was wrong and he got me out of there and he brought me here and got my surgery moved. And he didn't know he saved my life that day. He won't know until he sees this. But he saved my life that day."

END OF CLIP ONE, start of clip two

"You were suicidal," the interviewer says

"Yes," Max says. "The only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want Daniel to find me. He'd moved me to a different hospital and he'd rented this place for us so it was close to the doctors, and every day I woke up and he never knew that he kept me alive just by being here."

"But he found out in the end."

"Not how bad it was. Just that it was bad. And he got me help. And when that help didn't work, he got me more help. He's the best friend I've ever had, and I still haven't been able to tell him how bad it got."

end of clip two, start of clip three

except this clip is DANIEL

"I snuck in to see him in hospital. he wasn't doing great. He was kind of lost, and I didn't really know what I could do, but, like, I figured he needed some space so I got him some. Different hospital, different views, nothing to remind him about racing."

"But he was struggling?"

"Yeah," Daniel says. "He struggled. It was hard to see him when he couldn't race. He's my best friend. It was hard when he wasn't doing so well. But he's doing great now."

smile smile etc Daniel being happy

then a final max clip i think

"Do I still have that drive to win? God, yes. I'm going to win. That hasn't changed. I just want to live as well. I want to wake up tomorrow, and the next day, and the one after that, and win."

then a final slide with the documentary logo on and some suicide prevention helplines, idk

ANYWAY imagine Daniel, if you will, at a photography studio about to have pictures taken, crying his eyes out in the toilets because he's just found out Max wanted to die

so Daniel, who is always very professional, entirely bails on both the photo shoot and the interview so he can go home because he needs to see max

and Max lent him his plane because that's a normal thing excessively rich world champions have so it's not a fucking nightmare getting back from... wherever the interview is, somewhere not that far away in europe

and Daniel chooses to respond to Max's documentary clips on instagram

[ASIDE, my beloved friend as I was telling her this over Telegram, in response to that above: WHY????

Me: because this is MY 4am hurt comfort fic baby]

so anyway he makes a text post that just says Max is the bravest and best person he knows, he's fought so hard to be here, and that there hasn't been a day in Daniel's whole entire life that would have been better if Max wasn't here on this planet, and he's so glad he stayed

and then another one which is like, if anyone else feels like they don't want to go on, please stay, people love you, here's some helpline numbers etc

and Max just replies to him with a blue heart

important to understand that this is my four am comfort fic so it is ENTIRELY appropriate that Daniel walks through the door and both hugs him and starts to cry

and Max hugs him back but does not cry because Max has broken through a lot of shit in therapy but he is not a crier

but he IS accidentally in love with Daniel

and Max makes some Choices in his life, as Daniel does, but this choice involves touching Daniel's cheek and glancing at his mouth and then up at Daniel and Daniel kind of nodding and then there is a KISS

which is badly timed really considering that today has been very emotional and Daniel is still crying and has been travelling etc and they've never actually addressed any of this

so Daniel needs a moment and he goes into the bathroom to stare manfully into the mirror and wash his hands and face and when he comes out Max doesn't let him say anything, just launches into a multi point in-person powerpoint about how they should be together

[my friend: maxplaining his way into a relationshippp]

which Daniel, it turns out, entirely agrees with, but he's really kind of emotionally burnt out right now and would really just like a hug and a sit down, so he tells Max yes, of course, but could they just talk about it later and hug right now

How good is Max at listening to instuctions to stop talking?

not marvellous it turns out but daniel kind of likes it when max gets enthusiastic about stuff

even if the stuff in this case is a multipoint argument in favour of them being quite gay together

OH OH OH now we skip forward a bit

to when Max is racing again

first or second race out there for red bull

and daniel is kind of tied to red bull again

anyway Max WINS

hurray etc he's a conquering hero with a recovered broken neck

so once he's out of the car idk he's done the bit with the team and he spies daniel and goes over to hug him, which the cameras in general love, and then he goes off to do some kind of next step celebratory thing, cool-down room, whatever

only partway there he's like... um

has a feeling, one or two, you know the kind of thing

max hasn't historically been very good at feelings

or healthy choices

but anyway, he decides to act on this one, which is to go back to where Daniel is, and kiss him

which is as much of a surprise to daniel as it is to the whole of the media who are still around to film him

and then Max just turns back around and heads for the podium, so there's a very nice accidental shot of Daniel, afterwards, just smiling and ducking his head and touching his thumb to his lip

which turns into a very popular gif

for reasons

Anyway!! there is a LOT of discussion about Max losing his edge now his focus is not only racing

the documentary talks a lot about Max's childhood abuse and limited food intake etc etc but doesn't mention his dad by name

Daniel races again somehow but probably not in the fic

daniel ends up losing some bet or other and has to do a computer game live stream from his living room of some cosy game idk and the whole thing is interupted by max just living his life in the background

max getting up and sleepily saying morning, max going for a run and kissing him hello, max going in and out of the sim, idk, the two of them making weird noises at each other because they still do that

OH I forgot they buy a house together like immediately after getting together

somewhere green again and it's in both their names because they've lived together for a year already and whatever

and still don't tell anyone they're together even though red bull has them residing at the same address

and ZERO people realise until after the kiss on screen

and obviously the docu clips suggest they've been staying together

and Max gets to say to Christian that they literally own a house together when he expresses some degree of surprise at kissing in public

not their fault no one noticed

Forgot to say that max and Daniel get filmed driving about and max stalls his car and doesn’t know if he likes olives and maybe they forget they’re being filmed

And also that when the documentary finally airs all its eps Netflix on Twitter are like “lol bet you can’t figure out which bits we filmed after they got together and which were before because we certainly can’t, lol”

And Daniel’s in the comments, like “do I get a prize if I get it right”

He gets 9/10 clips right but no one but max knows

Anyway when they buy their house max has zero shits to give about the decor so daniel just gets a decorator in and the only thing max wants is a fancy catio for when they’re not there and his new cats want to go outside

Daniel arranges this because he’s a sucker for max.

anyway that's general plot of surviving to drive: the max verstappen recovery story, the end.

[artist-issues]

I’m going to talk about something potentially suicide-related, so watch out.

Music can’t save you.

I keep seeing that all over the place—seriously, all over the place, not just from actual musicians— and I feel like someone needed to say it.

All you’re really claiming when you say “music saved me” is:

Music has a powerful effect.

During a time in my life where I felt like giving up, that powerful effect changed what I was feeling so that I did not give up.

Okay those two things are true, but let’s take a step back for a second.

If you’re lost in the woods and considering giving up, sitting down, and letting yourself starve or be eaten by wild animals, a bird could have the same impact. You might look up, see a colorful shape flying through the trees, and decide to follow it. Now you’re moving. Now you’re doing something, instead of giving up—regardless of whether or not you can keep up with the bird, regardless of where it’s leading you. So sure, that is a good thing. But it’s only temporary, a bandaid solution to your problem. Even if it leads you to water, or shelter, you’re not “saved.”

You’re not “saved” until you’re no longer lost, no longer in the woods. You have to get back to your home. You have to get back to a place where you know where you are in the world, and how to get what you need, and everything makes sense again.

It is the same way with music. Or any art.

Art can remind you of what’s good, and beautiful, and yes, true. But it is not the art that saves you. It is the truth that does the saving. The art just had a hand in reminding you of it. So it would be way more accurate to say “music helped me.” But you still have to deal with whatever it was that got you to the place where you felt like giving up. And part of that is making sure that you know what the song is saying has truth in it, and that truth actually applies to the problem you’re having, because you can lean on truth, and it’s what made the music worth anything in the first place. Otherwise, the music is just a distraction, and distractions end.

In that sense, it’s more like a tiger is stalking you through those woods. You can get away from it briefly, especially if something beautiful or good or true distracts you from the thought of laying down and letting it take you. But eventually you have to kill the tiger, or get out of the woods where it lives.

Truthfully—truthfully—a song can get you out of, or into, a state of mind and emotions. But those emotions have a source. And if you don’t get rid of the source, or neutralize the source, your songs are only going to be bloody bandages on a wound. Worse, the songs might make you start to love the sight of bloody bandages, when what you really need is disinfectant and actual healing.

I do know this from experience. I’m just saying, think about it.

[starrysharks]

magical girl ward

[ionlypostmymeemocs]

TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts and depression

I been feeling depressed lately... a bit.

Some of you already know about the things I am dealing with a lot. When I was feeling a bit depressed that reminded me of a Medic OC.

...

He... got to be the most character that I made based on my negative thoughts about myself.

I never drew him. He only existed in my head. Because in a way... he is a comfort character... even though he might NOT look like one.

His story is very sad... His appearance... Is very... depressing. He was alive once... But he had so many things that he had been dealing with. Things that made him feel like he was MISTAKE! Every day, it felt like it had just gotten darker for him.

A friend gifted him a scarf. His friend was the only thing holding him together. But one day, they had a fight, and his friend left. Left town. He wanted to apologize to his friend, but he thought it was too late for that.

So he was in his room... writing letter.

The next day, his sister came to visit him, and she found him...

He hunged himself with the same scarf that his friend made for him.

And how he is a spirit. A broken one. Who can't move on.

I never drew him because I didn't know what people would think of him... I DIDN'T WANT people think badly about me... and my dumb negative thoughts...

I love that character... You guys might see me crazy. But I love him. I guess that was the very first time I felt so connected with an OC based on something of me.

I sometimes see myself in him.

If you are dealing with these things... Don't go silent. It's not worth it. There's people who can help you. Trust me, there are. You're not alone. You were never alone.

[specialagentartemis]

Sarah Sisko’s whole deal is so horrifying and messed up and DS9 just kinda. Glosses over it

[cadaver-moss]

For any of my mutuals, please DM me if there’s an OC of mine you want. Just in case something happens to me.

[littlestsnicket]

less disparate (as in at least consistently loumand focused) iwtv thoughts

- the moment i feel for Armand the most is when he's all 'and where does this leave me, 3 thousand years on suicide watch?' i cannot overstate how fucked up of a thing to say to someone who's just had a suicide attempt, but it's raw and honest and true. and just... the absolute horror that must be for Armand, who's entire sense of self is tied up in his responsibilities and relationships and right now that is just Louis?

- and building on that, when Armand says he deserves to eat Daniel and Louis says he knows but Armand isn't allowed to do it anyway? Louis understands what he's done to Armand from Armand's perspective! yeah. super fucked up. i'm not blaming Louis, he has his own shit to deal with and given the actual reality of their power dynamic it's kinda stupid to be pointing any fingers at Louis... but Louis pretty clearly knows this whole relationship is making Armand worse and doesn't care. And that's worth acknowledging. It's what makes their dynamic so interesting to me, actually.

- i feel quite strongly that Armand's not using his vampire powers to mess with Louis mind/memory until after 1973. But in Dubai... i think them having full on screaming matches like they do after the photo mixup (i'm siding with Armand on that one, i don't think he did it, i don't think that's what this scene is meant to show in their relationship dynamic, but that's besides the point) is a normal occurrence, and i think it's equally interesting to consider the idea that Armand erases all of them immediately and that they resolve them with sex that is icky (as in the dynamic makes both of them feel a icky afterwards) but does what it needs to do to reinforce their pretend power dynamic and they do this enough that they can just... go back to what they were doing like they didn't even have a fight.

- Jacob mentioned in some interview that he doesn't think Louis would agree to Armand editing his memories. and yeah, Jacob (actually the whole cast) has said enough deeply considered things about his character that i do prioritize his interpretation. however, i do also think that unless he's really put on the spot, Armand is a good liar and knows to stick to the truth as much as possible. there's no reason for him to have the elaborate lie of Louis agreeing to it later at a specific time and place. the interpretation that is most interesting to me is that Armand doesn't initially intend to mess with Louis' memory and, free of any vampire mind gifts, guilts Louis into it. like, Louis says something like he's not sure he can live with his guilt about Claudia and Daniel and the pain, and everything else, and Armand is like 'you still owe me for sparing Daniel, if you really mean that, you owe it to me to let me try to fix you'. and that is such a deeply fucked up thing to do but it's also so clearly from a place of care, and as selfish and self serving as Armand's care for Louis is, i think it is real and the guiding force of most of their interactions. and it works, so i'm sure Armand thinks it's entirely justified.

- i think Lestat immediately accurately judges what this relationship is going to be like but completely, wildly, wildly under estimates Armand and Louis' combined propensity for stubbornness, self-martyrdom, and general self destruction.

- i keep coming back to Armand saying that Claudia never loved Louis like he or Lestat did. and i think it's worth considering that Armand is undervaluing their relationship because it's not sexual or romantic. that feels like, given what we know of his history, a very Armand thing to do. but i really don't think that's what Louis means when he agrees. i think what Louis means is that he's self aware enough to know that he wants to be loved to the point of destruction and Claudia was always too much of her own person for that. and it kills him that he wasn't able to move past that for her. that he always put his desire for that sort of love, even though he knew it was destructive, before his also very real love for her.

- to end on a lighter note, since i learned that Lestat is essentially a bunch of random syllables Anne Rice stuck together (there's more backstory but it basically boils down to that), i've been thinking 'i bet it really bothers Armand that Lestat is not a real name'. he's the sort of person who would obsess over that.

[poeticlostsoul]

Getting bad again

I'm getting bad again,

it feels so right.

I'm getting bad again,

with a hand between my legs.

I'm getting bad again,

no one knows how deep into the darkness I've gone.

I'm getting bad again,

slowly killing myself.

I'm getting bad again,

and I don't really care.

I'm getting bad again.

Taking another sip.

I'm getting bad again,

swallowing another pill.

I'm getting bad again

contemplating suicide.

I'm getting bad again

and finally everything goes blank.

I'm getting bad again

closing my eyes.

I'm getting...there