#substance abuse diary

[fentanyl-rabbits]

No opioids means no peace or sanity in mind

[iraprince]

another one of these things that i just kind of bang out top to bottom w no script or plan. getting it out.

just some guy. some partially intangible guy who is not managing, and probably never will manage, to communicate myself fully (and probably i don't even want to?) but also is not managing to shut up about it

[amirmilion]

Love hearing the doctor express his concerns about my ED….. it means.. it’s working. The more worried my doctor is .. the more proud of my results I am .. is that bad..?

[scaredbunny]

I got juice for my vape and it tastes so fucking gross I can't stand it.

[reckless-wanderess]

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

i'm working through my own sobriety journey of moderating alcohol, staying clean from harder drugs (it's been a year since i've done any xans, coke, molly, or other opioids and benzos - so... yay?!), managing my ADHD with meds and getting therapy. so as of right now, i'm so close to finishing my rewatch of "bojack horseman" and it's hitting a lot harder than i'm used to... ("the view from halfway down" is coming up soon - big OOF) i love it, though.  ཐི❤︎ཋྀ

[nomorelostyears]

19 - Nov 23

1:13am

I'm really struggling bc my partner is out w his friends tonight.

My jealousy is through the roof so I've had a med cocktail 💊

I hate it. I hate feeling like this, I hate the thoughts, compulsions, the exhaustion that follows!! I hate the idea that it's out of my hands whether I get hurt in a relationship or not.

I'm keeping my messages blunt and short to avoid upsetting my partner w my issues 😭

[fentanyl-rabbits]

Goodbye

[girl-bateman]

Diagnosis for girls who have never smoked in their lives but are constantly craving a cigarette

[amyisback]

I drank too much the other day and fucked up two of my closest relationships

Today I b/ped for the first time in like a over a year???

What is happening with my life rn?

I feel so fucking disgusting, I should've just kms the other day

[amirmilion]

Still feeling alone in a room full of people who love you is a crazy feeling.

[princesslovell]

I made a discord that has different chat rooms for ed, sh, family trauma and drama, inpatient and outpatient stories, love confessions, substance abuse, basically everything I could think of.. so come chat🩷

[raspberry-pudding]

3/8/24

It's another one of those days where I tell myself I'm not going to smoke, but I have no idea how well I'll succeed. I made a short post last night, just vague posting and getting a few thoughts off my chest. But nothing deep.

I feel stupid for posting about my addiction, but at the same time it's the only way I know how to possibly find people like me. Who can become very addicted to weed. I don't have any friends to go to about it because they all smoke and are fine -- or at least, they convince me they aren't addicted and that it's impossible on weed. But what else would you call something that you crave so intensely you're scrapping the bottom of a bag or grinder to get one hit? What else would you call something that you can't control yourself from taking as soon as you wake up? What else would you call something that's meant to make you feel good, but after doing it every day, all day, for several years you get stuck in a cycle of giving in, swearing to go sober/quitting, and then turn around and continue doing it? Every. Single. Day. For the past two years I have sworn to finally quit smoking weed but I just can't get away from it. My body feels like it needs it and I'm miserable.

It doesn't even get me high anymore.

More below the cut for those interested, and so I'm not clogging timelines with a long post. My content isn't for everyone. Please scroll by if you think weed isn't addictive and if you argue with me you'll just get blocked. That's not what I need when I'm just trying to recover.

I miss the person I was before I started smoking. I was so productive and successful; I wrote and exercised everyday. My emotions were better regulated. I felt like I could do anything.

I started smoking a lot later than most people -- 24. And as much as I would like to blame my ex for the addiction, I'm more to blame for my own addiction than anyone else. It started when I was writing an essay on Emily Dickinson and the soul, and weed helped me a lot with writing this piece. At least, for awhile. Soon after, I was getting high every evening to work on the essay, but I'd get distracted and ignore my work. It just sort of spiraled after that.

There are a lot of good reasons why I want to quit. First of all, I want to be a better woman. I want to be the strong woman I used to me -- not this weepy bag who can't even stand the thought of driving myself anymore. Where did all my strength go? Where did all my independence and will go? I wanna be a better woman not only for myself, but for my fiancé. He's very supportive of me, and says that we all have our vices -- doesn't care if I continue smoking or if I quit and will support me no matter which I do. But I need to stop smoking for him, too. He deserves sober-me. He's not only the best man, but the best person I have ever met in my entire life. He deserves the sober-me much more than my ex deserved it, but he's hardly gotten to experience it. He deserves a woman who can do anything and be level-headed. Not the emotional wreck I am on weed.

I'm also already a naturally paranoid person. I don't know how to explain it other than ever since I was a kid I've been prone to extreme paranoia. I've always seen terrifying images in my head and I get concerned that they'll actually happen before my eyes, no matter how off the wall it is. Let me clarify, I never hallucinate (not even on shrooms or acid have I hallucinated), I just have an overactive imagination. Weed, obviously, intensifies this feeling. Sometimes the paranoia is crippling; I'm frozen in fear whether it's in bed or at my desk or in the living room. It can become overwhelming.

Third, I want to go back to school. It's nearing the 3 year mark since I've gotten my Master's degree and I haven't gotten any jobs with it. Granted, it's difficult to do something with my degree in my area and I'm a bitch about having to move. But I'm in a dead-end part time job now that's pushed me into wanting something more. Specifically, wanting what my original plan in life was -- get a PhD and become a professor. Focus my career on academia. It's what I'm good at, and it's what I enjoy doing. I've missed the college space so much. I've missed the research that goes into essays and the excitement I used to get while writing. If I go back for my PhD, I can't continue to be on this fucking drug. I can't do the work I need to while being constantly stoned. How do I know? Because I could barely balance the work-weed balance as I was finishing up my MA. Weed stifled my academic work so much to the point that I almost didn't graduate; if I go for a PhD I have to be sober. There's literally no other option. I have to take it seriously. I cannot do the work I need to while getting stoned every day.

I feel miserable and cranky every day, and the good mood I get from smoking only lasts for so long and then I become grumpy again. Yesterday my grumpy attitude ruined a nice evening out with my fiancé -- he says it didn't, but I feel horrible about the ordeal.

I'm ready to quit. I've been ready to quit for about a year now with no success. I think the furthest I've gotten in the past year is 2 days without weed. Since I started smoking, the further I've gone without is a whole month -- I really don't know (or remember) how I did it. I don't know how to start, or how to keep cravings away. I'm just so frustrated, I want my ambition back. I want my drive and energy back. I want to be even better than I was before. But I can't with this drug holding me down and making me completely numb and lazy.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. I really don't know what to do when the cravings start to hit within another hour or so. I guess the good thing is that I'm all out of weed right now, and while I could go get more it would involve going to the bank to get out cash. Hoping that prevents me from giving in today.

Maybe I'll just write on here when the cravings hit. Just write about how I'm feeling until it goes away. I really don't know. I'm just going insane with this kind of lifestyle and I can't do this anymore. I have to become sober again. The good thing is, leading up to this point, I have decreased how much I've smoked. I went from 3 joints a day to 1 joint a day recently. Quitting cold turkey scares me, but I guess I'm about to attempt it, because I really don't wanna drop $100 on something I wanna quit doing.

Again, let me know anything that's helped any of you quit if you're out there and reading. I would greatly appreciate the advice.

Iris🪻

[r0tgrl]

I've made some questionable decisions in my life, I could always make better ones

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

Well, it's officially 2 weeks since I saw this face. I really am so proud of him for doing this, and even though he tells me he couldn't have done this without me, I still give him full credit for deciding to go to rehab. All I did was support and love him while he was going through a dark time. I was not perfect by far because I had days of weakness and days with little to zero patience for his bullshit. At the end of the day, I would still kiss him goodnight and tell him how much he means to me. I can only explain it as planting the seed. I would always constantly reiterate that he needed to get some help while also telling him it wasn't his fault. I would just say, "Babe, it's on you. It's your responsibility to get help when you know you need it. I can't force you to do anything." I said so many things the last few months and he is constantly repeating these same things back to me. I guess he absorbed it and he says those things repeat in his head all the time. He uses them. He tells them to other people.

As much as I miss my best friend and he could be coming home tomorrow but it still wouldn't be soon enough for me. I am equally so fucking proud of him. I told him he was strong. I told him he was capable and even if this isn't the last time he is still building a blueprint for just is case there is a next time. He's been struggling for so long, I wish for him to feel peace and experience joy as much as possible. I fucking love this man. I want to marry him, kiss him whenever I want, hug him with my complete and whole self every day, and just continue to grow together and in our own journeys.

[there-will-be-a-way]

My current life situation

Had a good grip on my life. Did an internship at a hospital and planned to start my apprenticeship as a geriatric nurse this autumn. Finished trauma therapy in March. Stopped abusing substances. Moved forward with my transition. Established a stable social environment with friends who support me (and who are mostly like 30 years older than me because I tend to get along better with older people 🤷🏻‍♂️).

And then the next level of trauma came. Not in that I remembered more traumatic incidents. But that now, that I processed the incidents, I can see their impacts more fully. Their consequences - and there's one thing in particular that I can't live with. I think about it 24/7 when I'm not distracted. As it is now, I can't just leave it like that so I'm waiting to get an appointment at an advice center for victims of violence to maybe start the whole process of going to court for what I witnessed (or find a different way to live with the Thing).

On the other hand I doubt my "memories". I got told my doubt is more like denial. A mechanism to protect myself. But who knows. So maybe no court after all. But. I need. To do. Something. Because if I can trust my memories, I have to shine some light on what happened. Couple of days ago I realized that I've been obsessed with this "memory" since 2019.

But speaking about what I saw and experienced could end in me losing my entire family (at least that's what I think, fear). Dramatic. Pretty sure they would doubt me too. And maybe rightfully so, who knows.

But anyway. That's where I'm at atm. Not knowing whether to go left or right. What to believe and not to believe. If I can trust myself. Oh wow, more drama, Mika. There's more tension in me than I can cope with in a healthy way. Strength training works. Other than that I manage by getting drunk in the evenings to fall asleep and getting drunk during the day to avoid my thoughts and get shit done. But I haven't been doing this for long. (It always comes and goes in phases.)

I know I'll find a way, though. I always do. And although all of this sounds difficult to me, I'm still fine somehow. I'm chilling. But maybe I'm just numb.