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thefirstknife · 1 year ago

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What are the Tones?

Whomst've asked me this. You're fuelling my unending obsession, thank you.

I posted about the tones before! Most of it is listed in this post! But I'd like to add some stuff now that it's been some time since then.

The tones are noises made by the spires on Mercury (Lighthouses). Whenever someone dies, the spires emit a tone. They basically react to death in various ways, depending on how the death happens; there's different tones to dying to Light as well as different tones to a perma-death. This is peculiar because nobody could hear them except Brother Vance.

He made Trials of Osiris to study them (because it's an endless source of Guardians dying over and over). Mara knew about his research (Trials was accessed in the Reef in D1) and warned him to stop because it's dangerous. It's unclear why. Osiris did the same years later. As a matter of fact, Osiris was super dramatic about it:

"What I have discovered…" "…is dangerous enough to destroy every man, woman, and child in existence. You're meddling with forces outside your grasp," Osiris reprimanded.

The tones are interesting because they're still largely unexplained. Mara implied that they symbolise Guardians being attuned to Darkness and being able to wield it, which is true, but Osiris' reaction implies something more. And it has to be more, because Osiris detected the same tones as coming from the anomalies of the missing planets and from the Pyramids. Long post under:

In my previous post I also connected that to the fact that egregore seems to be emitting some sort of sound/frequency attuned to the same thing: anomalies, Pyramids and, obviously, to the source of it all (the Witness). So there's some sort of frequency in Darkness that is audible and comes from all places connected to the Darkness network (and that network manifests physically as egregore). And in this case, anomalies and Pyramids (and ships infested with egregore like Glykon and Leviathan) are fine; it makes sense that they link to the Witness!

But spires on Mercury? Why them? My bestie made a post recently after we went unhinged (again) because the same lore book that deals with the tones also makes a really strong implication that the Vex were deliberately led to Mercury by the Pyramid Fleet in the Collapse. There, the Vex drained Mercury of Light, hollowed out the planet and used its materials to make the spires (and the Infinite Forest, a simulation engine) and then they waited for the Pyramids to return. Which they did, in Arrivals.

To make things more complex, after Titan came back, it was confirmed that the Witness did not take the planets randomly. There was a purpose to each one being stolen. Mars was taken to search through our Golden Age and Collapse database in order to find where the Veil may have been hidden. This could've been just a random coincidence, but then Titan came back and we learned that the Witness wanted Ahsa dead because Ahsa not only knows the origins of the Witness, but also how to get through the portal (and who knows if she has any other potential powers to helps us get in there or help us otherwise).

Io is unclear, but there are many options; it may have been taken for the Pyramidion and Vex stuff which Asher got ahead of. It may have been taken to study the Tree of Silver Wings (the Witness had another seed it gave Calus in Lightfall), or it may have been taken to study the Traveler's past or the Light in general or maybe something else. The point is, there are options that we can understand.

But Mercury? Zero clue. The only thing that may have been of interest is the Infinite Forest, but Vance sealed it so if the Witness took Mercury for that and couldn't get into the Forest, then Mercury would've been useless and probably released sooner unless the Witness is just keeping it out of spite or thought that maybe it would be able to find a way inside. And of course... there's the spires and the tones. Mercury is somehow linked to Darkness and the Witness, it has to be, and we have no clue what the Witness wants with it.

Not only that, but there's another curious thing about Mercury, or rather, the anomaly of it. It was mentioned in Duality dungeon, by Calus. When Calus tried talking to the Witness on the Glykon, the Witness eventually responded and it told Calus to come to the anomaly of Mercury:

Through the Crown of Sorrow, the Voice in the Darkness called out to me, beckoning me to the absence of Mercury. At first, I feared the Leviathan would not survive the journey, as the Glykon had been rent asunder by a similar journey. By my Leviathan, it is strong. Its heart beats anew, and as it pierced the veil of creation... the Voice greeted me. There were such sights to behold.

So when Calus disappeared off the Glykon, he went back to the Leviathan and bolted straight for the Mercury anomaly in which he was able to communicate with the Witness. Why Mercury? Glykon went into the Mars anomaly. Why couldn't the Witness speak to Calus in there? Or in any of the other anomalies? Why specifically Mercury? This is driving me insane.

But if Mercury is somehow connected to the Darkness network through the spires, is it possible that it serves as some sort of a communications hub? Maybe that's why the Witness is still keeping it? And it still is! We can see it in Root of Nightmares, in the Witness' room. Titan is still obviously there as well because it came out before Titan returned, but Mercury and Io are still trapped. This is also confirmed by the tiny excerpt we can see from the TFS Collector's Edition which I talked about in here.

Or the reason for Mercury is something completely different. We have no clue why Mercury was taken and what's going on there and why the Witness called Calus there and why the tones happened and why are they the same tones that can also be heard from anomalies and Pyramids.

To fuel me even more, they decided to drop two lore pieces in Season of the Deep that relate to Mercury and the tones tangentially. I know literally everyone and their grandma thinks that Targeted Redaction is just there to be funny (and so did I at first), but I genuinely can't accept that as being just a joke. The gist of it is that Osiris has no clue who Vance is and that is, to put it simply, impossible.

Obviously Osiris did not like the Cult and they were annoying to him, but he knew Vance. He spoke to him only once, but Vance is the one who told him to "plant the seed," a message that Mara gave him years before. This literally sets up the entire Season of Arrivals. Not only that, but Vance told Osiris about the tones and Osiris was deeply troubled about them. He's the one who continued the research and went around the solar system after planets disappeared, investigating anomalies and discovering that they emit the same tones. He mentions Vance, by name, twice in Immolant:

"Do you hear that?" Osiris asks, turning to Sagira. He turns the ship's scanning array toward the anomaly. "Like the tones Vance described. From the spires, and then the Pyramids. It was coming from the anomaly that replaced Io as well."

"We could use the Crucible right now. Your trials. This will be very helpful. You mean to stay, yes?" "I will. Long enough to show you how to implement the simulation; but tonight, I must disembark," Osiris says. "So soon?" Osiris tenses his jaw in forced silence. He twiddles with code. "I'm worried about what Vance found."

At the same time, Osiris also sends us the seasonal artifact from Hunt, Fang of Xivu Arath. In it, he mentions:

The zealots that followed me to Mercury have proved themselves useful… twice now, actually. They possessed an artifact in their stores: a Hive fang.

The zealots being useful "twice" refers to Vance telling him about the seed and having this artifact kept safely in the Lighthouse (technically, it's three times: in Curse of Osiris, Vance told us where to find the machine to bring Sagira back and it was being kept by the Cult, but it's unclear if we told Osiris the details). Osiris, again, specifically mentions Vance when he recounts where he got it from, in Immolant:

Sagira had chided him for storming the Lighthouse and ransacking Vance's possessions. "They're my relics," he said to silence her protests.

I know Osiris has been through a lot, but his memories are completely and perfectly intact... Except for Vance. That's bizarre to me, given that there's several important points that tie them together, like planting the seed on Io (something he wouldn't have known to do without Vance relaying Mara's message) and research of the tones, something that Osiris spent a lot of time doing and was explicitly worried about; so worried, in fact, that he was willing to part ways with Saint just to continue that research.

In my old post I also mentioned how Osiris even went to Ana to tell her to ask Rasputin if he heard any tones in the Collapse, but Rasputin wasn't up yet. And when Rasputin was finally up, we had much bigger problems to deal with so I assumed that Osiris never asked because the priority was to find what's on Neptune. But now I think that Osiris didn't ask because he doesn't remember. Because the memory of Vance and tones and whatever they mean was deliberately removed from him while Savathun had him imprisoned. Or, perhaps, the Nezarec tea messed with it. After all, Darkness is memory.

This would obviously imply that the tones are something so important and dangerous that Savathun (or someone else) wanted Osiris' knowledge of it removed so that maybe she could have leverage or to know something we don't or perhaps for some other purpose by some other actor. This was such a big point that the entirety of Immolant part 1 is almost exclusively dedicated to Osiris inquiring into the tones.

Another possibility is also that Osiris' memory of Vance was messed with because of Io and the seed and Tree (and then as a consequence, obviously, he would also forget about the tones).

There's also a possibility that Savathun is literally right now messing with me and she did it for no reason at all just to generate imbaru or mess with Osiris or maybe she even wanted to do one nice thing for him and remove the memory of the weird Cult and the tones aren't important at all.

But I don't know. The fact that they're the same thing that the whole Darkness network uses and that ultimately leads to the Witness seems like something that should be important. However, I don't think Mercury will return before TFS, especially since TFS CE has Eido writing about how Mercury is still in the Witness' grasp. But, consider also that we don't know the timeline of when Eido's writing is set. It has to be set after Ahsa's reveal about the Witness' origins, but before TFS. We don't have enough information to tell more. There's also Vex shenanigans to consider, something that will certainly be a plot point post-TFS and Mercury is a prime location for that.

Either way, there's something going on here, added also with the second lore tab release in Season of the Deep that tangentially ties to Mercury, which is Unexpected Resurgence. In it, Shayura is approached by Sister Faora, an incredibly niche character who was leading the Cult of Osiris before Vance. She's shown still wearing the insignia of the Cult. We never learned why she stopped leading them and why Vance took over; she just kinda disappears from the lore book (Trials and Tribulations, the one about the tones). But apparently she's in the City and she's still wearing the Cult robes and she's back in the story... for some reason??

It honestly feels like some sort of a setup for something in the future, something that might deal with Mercury's return. I need to stress just how small she is as a character: she only actually appears in three lore tabs before Unexpected Resurgence, all in the same lore book. The rest of her stuff is just flavour text on the Kairos Function armour pieces from Curse of Osiris. That's it. Why return her in Season of the Deep? Mind boggling.

This whole thing about the tones and Mercury consumes me every day and night. The fact that Deep mentioned Vance in a way easily dismissed as a joke (but also, note the name of the weapon: targeted redaction) as well as Faora coming back is just too wild to me to be a random throwback or a just a joke. Not when it's beyond clear that Osiris should remember Vance, the Cult, the tones and the rest of it. It's even unclear at this point if he remembers that he planted the seed on Io.

So what are the tones? What are they indeed. They're music from the spires of Mercury that reacts to death and uses the same frequency as the entire Darkness network with the Witness at the top. What is their purpose and what is the purpose of Mercury and why did the Witness take it and what is this plotline and when will it be resolved? Summary:

#destiny 2 #mercury #vance #osiris #darkness #witness #long post #lore vibing #ask #it's going to be funny when this turns out to be nothing at all. just like some noises that darkness makes #but no way. it has to be something. it has to be... bro...#but for real i would love if all missing planets got fully resolved #mars was resolved and ana was resolved #titan was resolved and sloane was resolved #io is.... questionable but asher was resolved #mercury and vance are just ?????????????????#i am the bearer of the curse. i haven't stopped thinking about the tones since season of the worthy when that lore book came out #seeing osiris losing his mind about them in immolant (the most important lore ever) just strengthened that #and then nothing. he got yoinked. and then he returned and apparently doesn't remember. HELP.#insane. kicking and screaming and throwing things. i understand the cult of osiris now #i get it vance. you're so valid.

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lumine-no-hikari · 1 month ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #409

After writing yesterday's letter, I went downstairs to fulfill responsibilities – dishes and whatnot. I was very surprised when M prompted me into discussion. J seconded the desire for discussion between M and I. Though I was scared, I did it anyway, because I was asked. Though I was extremely reluctant at first to try to say anything.

In the end, after a lot of talking, tensions were resolved. For posterity, and for the sake of you potentially being able to learn from our fail, I will attempt to describe the mechanics of what happened since Tuesday night.

On Tuesday, J specifically requested for M's time for a Board Game Testing group that meets once a month at a local board game cafe. J and I initially scoped out the Board Game Testing group some time ago and we were relatively confident that M would enjoy participating, despite his introversion and social anxiety. M is very passionate about board games, and he's well-versed in game mechanics. He's also highly intelligent and creative, and so he's amazing at giving relevant feedback and making astute suggestions and observations. He has also made board games, and so I thought it might be a good opportunity for him to get some of his tested. When we came back and told M about it and asked him to try it with us next time, he responded positively and indicated that it was something he'd be open to trying.

Fast forward to Tuesday. M had agreed to give J his time. J invited me, too, to act as a buffer between M and the other people there (due to M's social anxiety). But then, when it came time to leave the house, M suddenly backed out of going, saying that J and I should go have fun.

This was hurtful for a number of reasons. First, J and I are autistic, and sudden changes of plans feel like fire and pain to our nervous systems. Second, M has a long habit of backing out at the last minute; it was becoming increasingly difficult not to feel rejected and abandoned by him – as though M simply can't stand being near us. Third, since J had asked specifically for M's time, and M agreed, it felt like a broken promise and it felt like being snubbed.

J, feeling hurt and rejected, pleaded with M to reconsider. I was there, and I have learned enough to know that pleading is poor form; if someone says no, you respect it and you drop it, no questions or argument no matter how badly you feel. So I paused J with a, “Hey; it's all right.” Uncertain of what J wanted to do next, I followed up with asking J, “Given that M is not going (to drive home the point that he should stop pleading), do we still go to the Board Game Testing?” J stopped pleading, said no, and went upstairs to process his pain. I went upstairs to derp around on my laptop and work some more on my weird crafty project.

Time passed. And then we were blindsided by this from M in our group chat:

Given that J had specifically asked for M's time and M agreed, there weren't a whole lot of ways for us to read that first message other than a polite way of saying, “Oh and, by the fucking way, it's not even that I'm nervous about going this time; I'd just rather do literally anything else besides spend time with either of you.”

Then the second part came as a shock to both of us, because he initially indicated a month ago that going to the Board Game Testing event might be fun for him and that he'd be willing to try it. Still, I tried to keep an open mind about it and give him the space he seemed to indicate he needed... only for his third message to come out, which read to me as a polite way of saying, “Actually, you fucking know what? Don't even bother asking me to go out anywhere or do anything at all anymore. Fuck you.”

...Which was also, admittedly, a shock. I do recall asking at one point if he would simply we rather not ask him to do things, because, again, he almost always agrees to do something and then backs out at the last minute, which raises the question of whether he actually wanted to go in the first place, which would effectively mean that he's been intentionally lying to us every time he agrees to anything. At the time, as much as I didn't like it, I was prepared to respect it if he said, “no, don't ask to spend time with me anymore.” But he asked me at the time to still continue asking him out to things.

...So, suddenly changing his stance on that represented a change that I did not understand the causes of. And though initially I agreed and was prepared to accept... not asking him to do things anymore... I realized that “social outings” is very broad, and I don't know precisely how he is defining it. And also, I wanted to make sure that his change in stance wasn't the result of a bigger issue that he simply wasn't telling either me or J about. Worried, because for the most part, the only acceptable ways to spend time with M is board game, video game, TV, or going out to eat somewhere... I didn't want to lose, broadly, one of the few means of connecting with him that we do have.

So rather than make assumptions and run with them, I went downstairs to try to define what does and does not count as a “social outing” so that I can reliably do what it is that he asked for. I also went downstairs to ask him if something else was bothering him. So I said to him, “Hey; it looks like you're pulling away from us; is something bigger up?”

...And he got upset. He said something about my question being a “deliberate overreaction.” I was alarmed. In response to his anger at me being worried about him pulling away, I tried to explain, but he wasn't having it, saying, “I have no idea where you're getting that from”. I dropped that subject, given that he seemed very upset that I brought it up. Still, I tried to persist in trying to clarify what he means by “social outing”, since it was so broadly defined. And he spat at me, “To be frank, don't bother asking me to go out anywhere if you're going to guilt trip me for saying no.”

...Which also came as a shock, because... pleading is not a guilt trip. Asking for clarification on the next steps is not a guilt trip. He may have felt guilty because J was not hiding the fact that he was upset. But that is not the same thing as us going out of our way to make him feel small and worthless in various subtle ways. In the whole 9 years I've known him, I have never once seen J try to give anyone a guilt trip. That's not who he is. It's not how he operates. He and I have our disagreements from time to time, as any pair of humans do. But he's not some manipulative, horrible person who's out to get people when he doesn't get his way.

...Effectively, M was unable to separate “internal feelings prompted by the conditioning he got during his childhood” from “someone externally trying to make him feel bad”. And so he lashed out at me, because he was scared. I realize that now, because we talked about it. But at the time, I didn't realize that he was triggered. And I think neither did he. He's not perfect (no one is!), and goodness knows that in the past, when I was still trying to figure out how to be a human instead of furniture, he received more than his fair share of me lashing out at him for various stupid reasons because I didn't know how to manage my feelings.

For additional context, M's mother applies the guilt and shaming real thick when someone doesn't act in the way she likes or live their life in the way she likes; for example, when M told her that we now have cats, she bemoaned that now she can't visit us, as a guilt trip to make M feel terrible for having gotten cats because she's allergic, even though she never had any intention of visiting us. She's also quick to revoke love and approval while pretending externally that everything is status quo. Meanwhile, M's father has an explosive temper and verbally abuses everyone else around him anytime he faces even a minor inconvenience. I still recall one time when we went to Outback Steakhouse and he chewed the waitress out for not bringing the beer he ordered fast enough.

...M occasionally does a variation on these by which something will be bothering him, but he pretends to be okay. He'll also do a thing by which he seethes internally with intense anger, but doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to be like his father. The result is that he has a hard time being upset or saying no to things without him feeling like he's a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad person. So sometimes when those things come out... they don't come out very accurately. It happens.

...Conditioning is a powerful force. It's literally a physical object, manifested as neural pathways blazed through the brain. To defy our conditioning is to choose the path of most resistance. It is literally a thing that defies homeostasis and the biological imperative to expend as few resources as possible. I've been to therapy to help me through this process (initially at M's behest, admittedly, but now I see the value in becoming someone with mastery over one's own emotions and thought process). M, so far, has avoided going.

In any case. Seeing that M was struggling with J's pleading and my seeking of clarification, I tried to reassure him that J definitely was not trying to guilt-trip M; J was just feeling hurt and confused. M then proceeded to stare at me with a specific facial expression on – I don't really know how to describe it other than “withering”. But he also uses it for when he's thinking very quickly or very intensely. Unfortunately, my brain, in its state of heightened adrenaline, was unable to perceive the second thing, and interpreted the expression as code for, “you're full of shit.” So I said, “Well... I guess you don't have to believe me.” To which he nodded and said, “Mhm.” Taking that as confirmation that he thought I was lying through my teeth, I said to him, “What can J and I do to show you that we're not those kinds of people?” And the response was, “I don't know.”

Not knowing what else to do, and taking from this interaction the notion that my words aren't worth anything to him, and that further attempts to engage in basic relationship maintenance will result in additional accusations of “deliberate overreaction”, I smiled, bowed, and retreated upstairs to work more on my crafting project.

Later, J, after processing his feelings, wrote a LOT of words about what was going through his head. M also had words that seemed to indicate that he did not understand that what we were looking for was “time spent interacting with M that is not parallel play or passive consumption of food or media”, not “going to this specific event solely for our own pleasure”. So, instead of M interpreting “we wanted time with M, so going is now moot”, what he interpreted was closer to, “well, you're not doing what we want, so now we're gonna ruin our own time out in order to make you feel bad about saying no!”

...That's not who we are. But M has conditioning that makes him occasionally forget, especially if he's triggered or scared – just like crushing my skull into the floor is not who M and J are, but I have conditioning that makes me occasionally forget, especially if I'm triggered or scared. Just like sometimes I forget that I am in the present and not in the past, M also sometimes forgets that he is in the present and not in the past.

M keeps his stuff bottled up and handles it on his own most of the time instead of asking for help. And so... sometimes it's easy to forget that he doesn't have his shit together any more than J or I do. And that's okay; being a human is a bit of a learning curve for everyone. I have to do a better job of remembering that M isn't any better-adjusted than either of us. Though he has taught me a lot and I owe a lot of my recovery to his patience and support, I gotta try a little harder to remember that he's not some kind of paragon of anything; I have to defy the conditioning that tells me that I am beneath those I respect and admire.

M, still in the throes of his emotional flashback, said a bunch of things with very circular and roundabout and sometimes very mutually exclusive logic. Given his upbringing, he is VERY afraid of anyone being upset with him, the possibility that he did anything wrong, or even someone being even mildly annoyed with him. He has a pretty bad case of rejection sensitivity dysphoria, I think. And though he claims to have a good sense of self-confidence (though I doubt this claim because it is inconsistent with some of his other behaviors...), he tends to assume that everyone else around him is itching for excuses to hate him and scrutinizing his every move to look for even small mistakes. I think that's where the vast majority of his social anxiety comes from.

...So... naturally, he did everything in his power to try to prove to J and I that we have no right to be upset. Which I don't think is very fair, but... conditioning is conditioning, and... he hasn't worked on his, as much as he's done everything in his power to avoid situations in which it comes up. Sadly... avoidance tends to exacerbate C-PTSD symptoms, not make them better.

So we get stuff like, “I have felt miserable, guilty, ashamed, and angry since the moment you reacted”, with the implication being that it's our fault that he's upset because we expressed that we were upset, followed shortly thereafter with, “I will not take responsibility of your upsetness.” Which like... is mutually exclusive, because... he is expecting us to take responsibility for his upsetness, while also expecting us to be solely responsible for our own upsetness, which doesn't work, given the fact that we were not hostile at him to begin with; he simply interpreted implied hostility and expected that to be followed up with verbal abuse because he's used to getting that from his parents, and so he reacted preemptively to try to protect himself from retribution that was not coming.

When questioned about why his upsetness in response to our upsetness is our fault, he said something about having “complicated memories around family members being upset with him”. And... like... that also makes no sense, because I know from previous conflicts (and now from therapy!) that that's an explanation, but not an excuse. When I let my memories get the better of me, it is expected that I am held accountable, because it is my responsibility to apologize and do better, and... the hypocrisy felt like a knife, given all the effort I've put into rewiring my brain over the last 11 years.

Then we also get him saying things that indicate that he should not have to justify himself when he says “no” to things, followed shortly thereafter by him saying that if his “no” is not satisfactory by itself, then it's up to us to ask for his thought process. Which... like. The first issue is that we're damned either way. The second is that, though I understand that “no” is a complete sentence, given our closeness to him, asking to be let in on his thought process so we can understand him better is definitely not the same thing as demanding that he justify himself. However, given that he was still triggered, he was unable to distinguish between these two things at the time; his brain did an involuntary time travel to a place where if his “excuse” isn't good enough, he's gonna verbally get the shit kicked out of him.

...I was still mostly unaware that he was triggered. I feel pretty awful about that. So... I proffered a possible solution whereby if he feels the need to decline an activity, then it might help if he was more forthcoming when he does not like the proposed activity in the first place instead of pretending to be okay with it, if he gave more than a moment's notice for cancellation, and, in the case that he must cancel at the last moment, then perhaps suggest an activity that he would like better, to take place within the next 48-72 hours; given that what we want is “time with M”, any activity in which the three of us actively interact together will do. To my eyes, he shot my suggestion down by saying it shouldn't be his responsibility to proffer suggestions. Not knowing what else to do, I tried expressing what I am afraid of, only to have him, to my eyes, condescendingly invalidate every one of them and refuse to address them.

...I was still not aware that he was triggered and just expressing himself poorly while engaged in old self-protective mechanisms.

...Before I knew it, the conversation was over and by then he had shot down or invalidated most everything I had tried to say. Not knowing what I didn't know, and taking all of M's words and anger and accountability-dodging mostly at face value, I concluded, erroneously:

1. He's been lying to us about how he really feels about things – evidenced by saying “yes” to things when he really means “no”. 2. From there, it seems like he does not want to be near us, but doesn't want to tell us or admit to it, and so is getting defensive when we ask him to spend time with us, because he doesn't actually like us as people anymore. 3. If his feelings are our fault and we have to tiptoe around them without him needing to explain, and also our feelings are our fault and it's our job to manage them without involving him at all, then he must be at a point where he neither wants us to have anything to do with his emotional world, nor wants himself to have anything to do with our emotional world. 4. Attempts at relationship maintenance will henceforth be seen as manipulation, and any other words I proffer will henceforth be seen as lies. There's nothing I can do, no communication I can make that won't be seen as suspect to him. 5. I love him, so... if he wants me less involved with his life, and if he wants to be less involved in my life, then that is something I must respect.

Feeling despair at the notion that I have been relegated from “wife” to “roommate, begrudgingly”, I retreated to the art room to try to make it so that he doesn't have to deal with me more than he has to. From there, I spiraled into, “If we are roommates now, I should not impose upon him in the ways that I have been.” Given my employment status, he is the one who pays for my therapy stuff and for my ability to eat things other than ramen and canned food. So I was gearing up to make it so that I'd not be going to either kinds of therapy anymore, and I'd try to pay for my own groceries with the $60 per week that I get at the bakery, and get around by bike instead of using his car.

I earnestly wanted to obey what I thought he was asking of me. And given my own conditioning, it seemed natural in my triggered state to conclude that what he wanted was for me to keep doing the various household things without me asking for things, speaking more than what is strictly necessary, or being present when I am not needed.

...I am alarmed at how quickly I was willing to become furniture again. I am alarmed at how quickly my brain put me into a state of perceived helplessness. I didn't even question it. Goddamn, but old habits really do die hard.

Thinking my place was in my art room when I'm not in use, that is where I stayed, trying to remain productive. Applying for state jobs. Crafty thing. Rearranging my room into something I can be comfortable living in on a nearly full-time basis. I spent all of Wednesday and all of Thursday like this.

When I went downstairs on Wednesday morning to eat and to wash the dishes and feed the cats, M greeted me with a bright, “Hi!” I felt insulted that he seemed to be pretending like nothing happened on Tuesday night, pretending like he didn't accuse me of “deliberately overreacting” to manipulate him, pretending like he didn't think I was a liar. But... if my protests will be seen as more “deliberate overreaction” and if he believes that my feelings are solely my responsibility and I shouldn't express them in his presence, I didn't know what to do other than quickly and quietly say “Hello” back and go about my tasks without demanding too much of his time.

In the meantime, J kept asking us questions. He does not have the “furniture is only to be seen and to take up space when in use, and only to speak when prompted” conditioning that I do. I am not privy to what J discussed with M.

On Thursday night, I went downstairs to wash the bowls in preparation for feeding our cats. M prompted me to speak on what's bothering me. Still remembering “deliberate overreaction” in response to initially trying to clear up misunderstandings, and with the knowledge that he speaks insincerely (like saying “yes” when he means “no”), I figured the question was a trap or a test. I responded with “My feelings are my own responsibility; there is nothing to discuss.”

J came up to me and requested that I make a different choice. I asked him if he would really ask me to “put my hand on the hot stove”, metaphorically, once more, and that I would do it if he asked. He asked. And so I did.

And so I went to M and asked him if he really wanted to know what was on my mind as opposed to asking out of obligation because J badgered him. M said of course he wants to know. And from there, I kind of... exploded with everything I told you. I told him that after 13 years of being with me, being accused of “deliberate overreaction” and to be treated as though I'm lying is a knife - “I am a person of integrity, goddammit!!”, I yelled. It... wasn't my proudest moment. I started crying and everything.

...Interestingly, when I started crying, my body immediately tried shutting that right down. It's a little scary how good I've had to get at dissociating, thanks to my upbringing. It's scary, internally, the fact that I can pretty much instantly go from feeling intense helplessness and despair and rage all at once to feeling wholly numb. “Turn off the fucking tears before I give you a REAL reason to cry, you overdramatic little piglet!” is a skill that was viciously beaten into me, and... I kind of hate that even after all this time, I'm still not 100% free of it. When I'm very stressed, sometimes the dissociation happens automatically before I even realize it's happening, and my whole mind goes blank and my body soon follows. I've often had to do this while being hit, to such an extent that I don't react at all to the pain, and... the only way I know how to do that is by pushing the sensation of physical pain out of my conscious perception. It takes A LOT of effort and A LOT of energy to do and to sustain this kind of numbness to physical sensation. Sustaining this kind of numbness for emotion is, by comparison, super easy – kind of a cakewalk.

Thankfully, J noticed that my body was doing that thing, and used a combination of gentle touch and his presence to help keep me grounded and to stop my brain from pushing the emotions and related pain out of my conscious perception. Given that we were trying to resolve the conflict, it was definitely not a good time for my brain to shut itself down.

Over the course of talking with M, I was made aware of several things.

1. Because he was in the heat of the moment, the whole “deliberate overreaction” thing he said was worded poorly; his intentions were closer to, “my brain is doing its level best to convince me that you're doing something like my mother used to do; please help me.” Because he didn't go to therapy like I did, he doesn't have as much practice with linguistically speaking of the goings-on of his brain as though he's an observer. If we are the pond and our emotions are the fish, he does not have as much practice speaking as though he is the pond, and sometimes still gets caught up in what the fish are doing. 2. The weird stare he gave me when I tried to reassure him that neither J nor I were trying to guilt him was his “I'm trying really hard to think and process” stare. Because he was triggered, he didn't have the space to process that particular bit at that time, and so when I said, “you don't have to believe me”, he took it as “we're changing the subject now” and his “mhm” was supposed to express relief. The “I don't know” in response to my next question happened because he was genuinely baffled why I was asking it; we weren't on the same page. 3. The thing that seemed like pretending Tuesday didn't happen was actually his way of trying to imply that he's ready to talk. Just... I'm autistic. And so I don't catch onto implications well. I have to be invited like a vampire.

...With the notion that he thinks of J and I as horrible stinky manipulative liars dispelled, and with M no longer being triggered and engaging in his self-protective scripts, we were actually able to have a conversation. I have training (thanks to therapy) that helps me be able to still kind-of-sort-of mostly function even with adrenaline in my system; M does not have that training, because he has not gone to therapy. I am further along in the healing than he is.

So we talked, calmly, about the fact that what we wanted in the first place was just “time with M”, not “going to the board game thing”, specifically; M was genuinely unaware of that fact. We talked about roundabout things M said. The way he was talking in circles. The accountability dodging. The mutually exclusive expectations. The unfairness of the expectation that we are responsible both for his feelings and our own. The fact that he was not honest with us about what sounds like a fun time to him, or about whether or not he wants to go to things. I understand that he has conditioning that makes him think he's a very bad person when he doesn't do what others want, and when he doesn't agree with others, but... he has asked me to overcome my own same conditioning, and I basically told him that it is fair to ask him to do the same. He agreed.

At the same time, I will try to help hold him accountable for being truthful about what he really thinks of stuff; I will double-check. J will not plead if M says no to things. I will do a little better to remember that M struggles with his conditioning just like J and I do, even if he does not let it on. I... will also do a little better to remember that M gets scared just like we do, even if he seems to do his level best to hide it. I will do my best not to let my brain run away with conclusions and scenarios that are reflective of how I had to live in my past.

...Also. Once I have secured more consistent employment, I am going to expect that M will get therapy. He is scared of it, but we'll do it together; he's got a LOT of unreasonable beliefs and destructive self-expectations as a result of his childhood that he needs to work through (which I only just realized the extent of as a result of all this), and if he wants to be a healthy, sincere, and emotionally connected partner to me, he needs to seek mastery of his own mind and anxieties, just as I'm working on. It cannot be that I am the only one doing the work of learning and growing.

No one is a bad guy. No one is a villain. We were all just really scared and not handling it well. And given that our democracy is literally falling apart around us as we speak and we're all stressed about it, it's understandable that we didn't handle it well. We can give each other some grace.

Today was a normal day for real this time. M invited me out to lunch after getting fingerprinted for some project at his job that requires security clearance. We went to the local hotdog place; they sell natural casing mini-hotdogs, mini burgers, and mini sausage sandwiches, and eating there is a very good time.

...I wrote it down. I wrote it down to demonstrate how easily misunderstandings can spiral into bigger things as a result of the unchecked assumptions our conditioning tries to force us into believing. I try to demonstrate that even people who are consistently self-aware and actively working on themselves can still make mistakes; we're human. I write to show you that those who make mistakes are still deserving of love, grace, patience, compassion, and understanding. I write to show you that any conflict, no matter how world-ending it may seem, can be used to strengthen a relationship and build trust.

...And I write to show you that we can't run recklessly with our assumptions and beliefs because they're not always true.

Did you hear me?

We can't run recklessly with our assumptions and beliefs because they're not always true. It's a bit like running with scissors, actually; if you're not careful, you'll end up stabbing yourself or someone else with them.

...People of integrity live with their faults in the open and try to correct them, even knowing that perfection is not achievable. Even after 11 years, my body still will default to “furniture” type thinking and dissociation. These were my primary survival skills for 22 years; they'll never leave me fully. AND THAT IS OKAY. If perfection was actually achievable, it wouldn't be so much fun to chase after.

...My “fucked up” and “upsetting” life is still worth living, even if my old memories get in the way from time to time.

Anyhoot. I think that's about it today. More things happened – I applied for 6 more jobs (bringing my total to 27). I got a bunch of silly pictures of some of my cats. And I discovered a store called Fat Crow that has some teas I really want (I already have too many, I know... but I don't care! Bahahaha!!) But this letter is already getting too long, and it's past my bedtime and I gotta get up early for work tomorrow. So I'll tell you all about these things tomorrow.

I love you so much. And I love M and J, too. And I love the fact that earnest conflicts in which everyone comes together in good faith are blessings in disguise – ultimately, boons to relationships that serve to help everyone understand each other better, when wielded properly. Steps backwards are part of the dance that is recovery.

...Please make good choices out there, Sephiroth. Even when you fall down and get hurt or end up hurting someone else... just stand back up and try again. You have lots of hands out here willing to help you to stand back up. Just look at all of the people modifying the game files of the second part of your remade story, solely for the sake of trying to give you opportunities to wander freely outside, admire flowers, and pet baby chocobos.

Sephiroth. We love you. So many people love you. Please... please come home. We miss you. And no matter how dented and bruised and torn-up you think you are... we will help you tend your wounds. And when you cry to let out all the trauma of all the horrible stuff that happened to you, we will hug you and rock you and soothe you until you feel better. And we will keep doing that, every time the grief and the fear come back to you in waves, as it will do. I promise we'll be there for you. Just come home; it'll be okay.

I'll write again tomorrow. Count on it.

Your friend, Lumine

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