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lillaydee · 1 month ago

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In Time

Rancher Joel Miller / Reader

You lost your dear Uncle. Your TV Star boyfriend dumped you. You needed a job. You got one at a ranch in Wyoming. Where you met Joel. A very grumpy man. Grumpy man has issues.

WARNINGS:

Grumpy Joel, Hurt Joel, Grieving Joel, Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Joel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The Last of Us), Mentions of Hostage Situation and Shooting, Alternate Universe - No Cordyceps Outbreak (The Last of Us), Mutual Pining, Fluff and Angst

SERIES MASTER LIST

---

You waited all morning for him to pick you up, as promised. He insisted that he would. No need to get a car, Sweets. I’ll get the car. I’ll pick you up, we’ll go together. You’re not alone in this, okay? I’ll be there for you Sweets. You know that, right? I love you, Sweets. Benny was like a father to me, too. Of course I will be there. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

The service was due to start in an hour. He was still not here. He was two hours late. Calls went straight to voicemail. You were supposed to be there already, greeting the guests. Fuck this. You grabbed your purse and keys and left, driving yourself to the service. Who cared if you arrived in your old beater rather than a fancy town car, right? So long as you got there.

The traffic in LA was no joke. Hence the plan to leave three hours before the service. You made it with five minutes to spare. You were ridiculously disappointed in yourself. You fell for his sweet talks again. He was no longer the sweet, dependable, considerate David you met 10 years ago. He was Dave Landon now. Successful, sought after, crazed over. And you were still the same boring old Amelia, the simple vet, who hadn’t fully practiced for the last three years, ever since Benny got sick.

You rushed in, the pews in the small room already filled with Benny’s old friends, mostly his age. You apologized profusely to the proprietor, who kindly waved your apology off, already aware of the reason you were late. You took the opportunity to go to his casket, and studied the face of the man who took you in, raised you as his own, and made you who you were today.

He looked good. He was right. This place would do a good job, he had said, and they really did. He looked his age, not the shriveled old man the disease had turned him into. Your heart ached at the memory of your dashing uncle in his prime, looking like a movie star, picking you up in his fancy car on your first day at school in a strange country, a far too glamourous private school, where you looked like a twelve-year-old, while the other girls looked twenty.

When your own parents died Benny had flown back to the UK overnight, being your only family left. He officially adopted you and took you with him from the small English countryside farm you had grown up in and brought you to LA where he owned an art gallery, to live with him. His partner left him for refusing to give you up, and he never had a serious relationship again. You lost count of the number of times he had shut the door on his ‘friends’ who knocked on his door late at night for a good time just because you were there. His life became about you. He paid for you to get the best education you could get, and you managed to get a degree in veterinary medicine back in the UK, him scheduling his work to coincide with your breaks there so that he could spend as much time with you. The day you graduated he was cheering for you so loudly, his voice alone overpowered the claps and music, his eyes glistening with tears at your success.

So when he got sick, you stopped everything to take care of him. David had landed his role of a lifetime, and had asked you to move in with him, but you refused. How could you when the man who dropped everything for you needed you?

And now, the man was gone. You had never felt so alone before. Your friends were far and wide, but you had focused so much on Benny these three years you hadn’t really kept in touch with most of them. You had hoped that David would be here with you, at least, be your hand to hold, but that had been too much to ask, it seemed.

You bent down, kissed your dear uncle’s cold hands and cheek one last time, and told him you would speak to him every night, like you had always done since your first night here.

“I promise, Benny. I love you.”

---

The service was beautiful. Simple, dignified, just as he had wanted. When everything was cleared, you finally checked your phone, hoping to see a text, an explanation from David, but there was none.

When the two of you met, you two were fresh faced university students, instantly hitting it off. You had always been shy, never having a lot of friends, and even if you did, after graduating, everyone scattered all over. You had chosen to go back to LA, not wanting Benny to be alone. He came with you, chasing his dreams to be an actor.

David worked hard to pursue his acting career, going for audition after audition, getting small roles here and there, working as a waiter in between jobs. During that time, Benny and you had supported him, his own family being as unstable as they were. You ran lines with him for auditions, held his head when he cried from yet another rejection, paid his rent when he ran short. You were there for him.

That first year Benny got sick, he helped you take care of him, taking him to chemo when you were still working, caring for him at home, keeping him company. He held you at night when you came home tired, listened to your stories, laughed at your jokes, cried when you cried. He was there for you, as much as you were for him.

But then, one day, he auditioned for a pilot, which became an instant hit. In a flash, David Trafford became Dave Landon, TV heart throb who played Jerry, a superstar playboy turned clumsy, inexperienced dad who had a baby left on his doorstep. You quit your job to take care of Benny, David coming by when he was available to do so, the frequency lessening quickly as the show became more and more successful.

He had been very respectful of your request for privacy, not wanting your private life to be plastered all over the internet and tabloids. His agent was very happy about this, preferring that he be linked with famous actresses to promote his name. You didn’t mind, you knew the game, and he was very frank with you about it all. So, you managed to stay away from red carpets, limiting your relationship to the privacy of his house and Benny’s, and the odd outings. Taking care of Benny was a full-time job anyway, and he understood.

But as he got more and more famous, free time became less and less. His agent was taking advantage of his fame, booking him for anything and everything within every inch of his life. Still you understood, knowing this was his dream, and you were not going to stand in his way.

You had supported his dream, his career, his passion.

But when Benny died, when your world stopped, he didn’t show.

You were suddenly seething. You had never asked him for anything. And the one time you needed him, he was a no show.

You drove over and unlocked his front door. You turned the corner of his foyer, walking into the music filled kitchen.

Where Cleo, his costar from the show, whom he had always been gossiped with, was cooking.

Naked.

You stood there, not saying anything, until he himself came out of the pantry, also naked, holding a bottle of wine, and saw you.

“What are you doing here, Sweets? Why didn’t you call first?”

Cleo stood behind him, covering her body with his. You had no idea why, it’s not that you hadn’t seen it before. Her nudes, her sex videos were all over the internet.

You kept quiet. You didn’t say anything. You were wondering why you were not feeling anything but anger at the fact that he didn’t show for Benny’s funeral. He quickly put an apron on to cover himself, again, you didn’t know why, it’s not like you hadn’t seen him naked before.

“I swear this is not what it looks like. We were just getting comfortable with each other, for the show. We have a sex scene coming up. That’s all.”

Cleo said nothing. Just stood behind him, eyeing you up and down.

Still you said nothing. He looked flustered now, knowing there was no way out of this, that you knew, the jig was up.

“Sweets, you know I love you; she means nothing to me. It’s just sex. You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Cleo huffed and went off into his room angrily, slamming the door behind her.

Why didn’t you feel anything? You should be angry, right? This was your boyfriend. And you just caught him naked with his costar in his kitchen. A costar who, incidentally, seemed really angry at the fact that ‘she meant nothing’ to him.

He took a step closer to you, and that’s when you saw them. His eyes. He was high.

“You missed Benny’s funeral.”

You turned around to leave.

“Wait! Benny died?”

You stopped and turned, glaring at him. He suddenly looked annoyed, as if you were being unreasonable with him.

“How high are you? How long have you been high? I told you the day it happened. You told me you were coming to take me to the funeral. I waited for you all morning. I almost missed his funeral!”

“Fuck, I’m so sorry Sweets. I don’t remember.”

You turned around, leaving for good. You didn’t have time for this bullshit. You didn’t sign up for this.

“Well what did you expect? You think I’m gonna wait around for you when you put another man and his needs before me? Fuck you, Amy! Fuck you! We’re over! You hear that? I’m breaking up with you! See who will have you now, you boring bitch!”

You slammed the door behind you, leaving this ranting man behind. A man you didn’t know at all, who was not the sweet, caring man you met and fell for years ago.

---

You gave Benny’s house one more look once the boxes had been picked up and the house cleaned. It looked a lot smaller when it’s empty. Funny how that worked. You remember being in complete awe of it all when you first came here. You went to the backyard one last time and laid in the hammock you and Benny had installed together when you first got there, remembering all the time the two of you had done so, talking to the stars. He had you convinced that your parents were among them, and that if you talked to them, tell them your problems, ask them questions, about anything at all, you could always, always hear their replies, and that you would never be alone.

You smiled thinking about the time when he tried to get off the hammock after you had fallen asleep in it during the early days and ended up tipping the hammock over, sending you crashing down to the concrete floor. You broke your arm that night, and Benny carried a sobbing you into the ER shoeless, wearing only his sweatpants screaming for help. He was devastated that he had injured his baby. It took a lot of convincing from you to have him join you in the hammock again, and so much practice getting out of it without tipping anyone over.

You remembered the last week before he passed, where he insisted on lying in the damn hammock with you still, and you helped him lift his frail body into it, just so the two of you could cuddle in it the way you always had. You remembered him falling asleep, his head on your shoulder, telling you he loved you and that being your uncle was his greatest achievement.

He never woke up again.

You caressed his side of the hammock one last time and looked at the stars.

“You’d better be in the stars above Wyoming too, Benny.”

---

You felt like you had been hit by a train. You fell asleep about two hours into the early morning flight and was shaken awake not 10 minutes later. The plane was landing in Jackson Hole shortly. Please put your seat into the upright position, miss, the pretty flight attendant had said to you.

After Benny passed, you were busy taking care of his considerable estate. He had left you everything. You had tried to stay, but you couldn’t help but see him everywhere. The school he used to drive you to, the restaurant he loved, the mural he had liked, the shops he frequented. And at home, you were haunted by his memory. His favourite chair. His slippers. His gown. The breakfast nook. His room. And of course, the hammock.

It also didn’t help that you couldn’t get a job in LA, not that you needed one, Benny’s considerable estate made sure of that. But you just couldn’t stand being idle. Your old workplace didn’t have any vacancies, but your old colleague told you about a year-long job that could be available. It’s a ranch. Their regular vet had to attend to some family matters, and they needed someone to take over for a year. But this ranch was not like the quaint English farm you grew up in or worked at during your Uni days she said, if she remembered correctly from pictures from your Insta. And you had spent almost twenty years in LA. The Tetons during winter was… not quite the English winter you were used to growing up. So, it might be a bit of a challenge, but nothing you couldn’t handle, she said.

You said yes so quickly she laughed and gave you the number to call. “Talk to Tess. She manages the ranch. Tell her I gave you the number.”

And so you called, and Tess was very excited about you coming to fill in, even if you were rusty, having not worked for three years, and had only worked a handful of years before that. Basically you would be taking care of the horses and cows on the ranch, and a few dogs and the likes. The neighbours might call you up for help with their animals too, and they pay you extra for that.

You were worried, you won’t lie. A ranch. But hey, it’s just a year. And you had never lived anywhere that would get proper snow. It didn’t snow much where you grew up, so maybe this would be fun. One year. Good experience. And after that, who knew? Maybe you’ll go back to England. Or move to Asia. Benny had always wanted to do that. Maybe you’ll make his dream come true.

You had sold or donated everything in LA, bringing exactly ten boxes with you to Jackson, mostly books, and four suitcases – Benny’s prized LV ones. He had bought them with his first commission from his first sale at the gallery. You didn’t plan on going back to live in LA, anyway, so might as well make it easy for yourself – easier to bring as little as you can too, considering you were planning on leaving the country after the year was up. The boxes had been sent ahead, and Tess said that someone would be there at the airport to pick you up. Dress warmly, she had warned. And bring plenty of winterwear.

So, you lugged your four suitcases onto a trolley, and pushed. You scanned the arrival hall for your name, but there were none. You pushed the trolley towards the entrance, and when the door opened, you froze.

Literally.

It was fucking freezing.

Shit.

You wrapped your scarf around your neck tighter and kept pushing. You looked around, standing at the area Tess had asked you to wait at, not seeing anyone or any truck that matched the description and photo that Tess had sent you. Just as you were about to call Tess, an old-looking, battered red truck parked right in front of you. The driver took out his phone, looked at something on it, and then you, and got out.

“You Amelia?” he asked.

“Yes?”

“I’m Joel. Tess sent me.”

“Erm, she said someone called Tommy was picking me up. Not Joel.”

He looked annoyed. “Well, he can’t make it. Wife’s not feeling so good. I’m what you’ve got. Are you coming or not?”

You hesitated. This man looked grumpy. And you were not about to get into a truck with a grumpy stranger in a strange place where you knew exactly one person, and that was Tess, who was hundreds of miles away, apparently. You took your glove off your right hand, and dialled Tess’s number, holding a finger up to him. He threw his hands in the air before placing them on his hips, taking a deep, impatient breath, looking like he was about to implode.

You told Tess a Joel was here, claiming she sent him. She laughed and asked you to point the camera at him. Joel rolled his eyes at the camera. Tess told you yep, that’s the grumpy asshole who was going to pick you up. Tommy was supposed to, but his wife was not feeling too well. Sorry, she forgot to text you about it.

Joel started lugging your suitcases, tossing the first one into the back seat.

“Hey! Be careful! That’s my entire earthly possession right there!”

“Doubtful,” he said. “Ten boxes just arrived for you at the ranch. At least lie better.”

“Well, those suitcases mean a lot to me. Please be careful,” you begged. He muttered something that sounded suspiciously like ‘damn city girls’ under his breath, but he did at least place the rest carefully in the back seat. He closed the door and pushed the trolley towards the attendant.

You were feeling like a lost puppet. You didn’t know what to do. Stupid questions filled your brain. Do you get in the truck? Do you sit next to him? Do you take your very puffy jacket that wasn’t doing squat in fending off the cold off? Do you wait and shake his hand? What do you do? It was like your brain decided to stop working. You had just arrived, sleep deprived from the emotional night you had saying goodbye to your life in LA with Benny and how early you had to leave for the airport that morning, got ten minutes of sleep and was greeted by the North Pole and a very grumpy elf.

He came back to the truck and got in. You were still standing there. He opened the door back up and asked if he should open the fucking door for you, Princess? You were startled by his aggression. You went around and tried to open the door, but it was stuck. You pulled and pulled, and finally he gave it a push from the inside and the door flung open, pushing you onto your backside on the fucking freezing road, a passing car narrowly missing you by inches.

He just sat there, staring at you, his lips half curled with an amused smirk.

You got back up as quickly as you could, a bit disorientated from what just happened, and quickly tried to get in. But the truck was high, and you were used to small cars, and had so many layers on, and in your cotton-brained, ouchy-my-buttocks-hurt-like-a-mother state you had trouble climbing up, your petite frame not really helping. He scoffed a not so silent ‘Jesus, city girl’ before he offered his hand for you to take. You stared at him and hoisted yourself in, ignoring his hand.

You pulled the door shut, feeling dangerously close to tears, and avoided looking at him. He took his seatbelt off, scooted towards your side, reached across, opened the door back up and pulled it shut with a slam, the truck wobbling from the force. He buckled himself back up and sat there watching you trying to figure out the seatbelt, which was loose, and looked for the slot in the bench seat, the many layers you had on and the rustling of the puffy jacket getting in your way, your arms feeling stiff and the thick gloves making you less dexterous than you normally were. He impatiently took the seatbelt from you and locked it in, muttering under his breath as he did so before pulling out of the spot.

You glanced at your phone, it was 9 in the morning, you had been here not even an hour, and you were already on the verge of tears, feeling more unwelcomed than you ever did in your entire life. You took a deep breath, and tried again, asking him how long the drive to the ranch would be.

He turned the radio on and upped the volume in response.

You looked out the window, the heated interior of the truck feeling much colder than the cold city outside. You pulled the hoodie of your jacket on so he couldn’t see your face, and leaned on the window, tears silently trickling on your cheek.

What a first fifty minutes to the rest of your next year.

This was clearly a mistake.

---

Part 2

#joel miller x reader #the last of us fanfiction #joel miller #tlou fanfiction #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x you #rancher joel miller

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prettyyoungandbored · 7 months ago

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See You Again - Charlie Dalton

Pairing: Adult!Charlie Dalton x Fem!Pregnant!Reader

NOT MY GIF

“What do you want for dinner tonight?” Charlie asked, rubbing his wife’s back.

“Everything that is terrible for me,” she replied with a tired sigh, putting one hand on her belly. “Probably a bad idea bringing me into the grocery store.”

“We’re almost done with the list,” he told her. “Besides, we’ll be here for a week. We can always come back if you need other stuff.”

They decided to spend the week at his parent’s vacation home in Vermont. Y/N had been itching to get away from the city but considering she was four months pregnant, Charlie didn’t feel like going too far.

“How about we do some roast chicken thighs tonight?” she suggested. “It’s easy enough.“

“Perfect.” He kissed her cheek.

“Ok, so for that we’ll need some chicken thighs, rosemary-.”

“Charlie?”

Charlie looked away from Y/N, his smile falling. His blood ran cold at the figure standing in front of him.

Mr. Perry.

The last he saw Neil’s father was at Neil’s funeral. That was a little over 10 years ago, yet the man hadn’t aged all that much.

In all the times Charlie’s returned to Vermont since being kicked out of Welton, he managed to avoid seeing the Perry’s. There was the scare when his mother invited them to his and Y/N’s wedding, but they never responded nor showed up.

Y/N’s shifted from Charlie and the old man, wondering if she should stay behind Charlie and protect their baby.

“Mr. Perry,” Charlie spoke up, trying to swallow the lump in the throat.

Y/N’s eyes widened in realization and she wondered if she should step in for Charlie’s sake.

Meanwhile, Charlie saw Mr. Perry’s eyes fall to Y/N’s stomach. Charlie tightened his jaw, fists clenched.

“Congratulations…son,” the old man said with a nod.

Once the old man turned away, Y/N sighed in relief. “Let’s just pay and go, ok?”

Charlie wasn’t going to argue.

==================================

Following by a silent car ride home, Y/N spoke up the moment they walked inside the vacation home.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but we’re going to,” she said.

“Honey-.”

“Non-negotiable, Charlie.”

His jaw tightened. “Fine. Alright. He has no right to show his face to me. Not after what he did. And the way he looked at your stomach…like…who am I to be a father, right? Like he…he…”

“Charlie-.”

“Neil should be here, dammit! He should be here and the fact his asshole of father is still walking around after what he did! After what he caused!”

Tears streamed violently down his face. Y/N reached out to him, but he stepped back. He turned around and walked outside, slamming the door.

Y/N exhaled softly, guilty tears filling her eyes. She just wanted to talk with him about it, but she knew she should have known better.

As she sat down on the couch, she pretended to ignore the sound of the car driving off.

==============================

Charlie closed the car door and made his way up the hill, hands buried in his jacket pocket. He walked across the cemetery, glancing at the names until he saw the one he needed to see.

And then he spotted it, his heart dropping to his stomach.

NEIL ROBERT PERRY

NOVEMBER 10, 1943 - DECEMBER 15, 1959.

He’d avoided coming here long enough. He’d sworn after the funeral he wouldn’t go here, already traumatized by the fact his best friend was in a casket.

Hot tears strolled down his face, as he lowered his head.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come out here,” he spoke up. “I would say it’s not for a lack of trying, but…”

He shook his head. “You know, I never forgave myself for not stopping your dad. I thought if maybe I intervened or actually did something, I could’ve…you know. I promised myself that next time I’d see him, I’d give him a piece of mind. Tell him what I should’ve told him at the funeral. Yet the second I see the son of a bitch in the grocery store, I choke.”

He lowered his head, a tear rolling down his cheek and hitting the headstone.

“I’m gonna be a dad, Neil,” he continued. “How can I protect my kid when I couldn’t protect you?”

The silence that fell was a reminder that Neil could not respond. He couldn’t tell Charlie what he needed to hear. He couldn’t tell him that things would be ok.

And he never would.

Charlie wiped his tears and sniffled. “I miss you, Neil.”

===================================

When Charlie returned to the house, he hung his jacket and slid off his shoes. Figuring Y/N was probably asleep, he quietly made his way up the stairs into the master bedroom.

There, he found Y/N lying awake in bed, the soft glow from the television reflecting on her.

She propped herself up when she saw him walk in. “Charlie, I’m sorry I-.”

“No, no don’t apologize,” he said, crawling into bed beside her. “I’m sorry I screamed and ran off like that.”

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s ok. You were shaken up and I-.”

“No, Y/N, it’s not ok. There’s no justification for it.” He grabbed her hand, kissing her open palm. “I’m sorry and I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Y/N went to turn off the TV when Charlie asked, “Can we keep it on a bit longer?”

“Of course.”

She snuggled into him, as he threw an arm around her shoulders.

Not a moment passed by when Y/N broke the silence and returned to the subject. “Where did you go?”

Charlie sighed, wishing to avoid it but knowing he needed to face it one way or another.

“I went to Neil’s grave,” he answered.

She straightened up her posture, mouth hung open slightly. “You actually went?”

“I didn’t really know where else to go. Plus, I figured it was time.”

He wanted to end the conversation there, but she had that look he knew all too well. It was the kind of look that begged him to keep talking about it.

“It was strange,” he continued. “The idea of talking at a headstone, knowing that’s the only way I can talk to him.”

His eyes fell to her stomach. “You know what kills me the most? The way Mr. Perry looked at me after he saw your stomach, like I had the audacity to become a father.”

“He knows you’ll be better than he was and that’s what kills him,” she said.

He glanced back up at her. “You think so?”

“The fact you’re opening up about it means you care enough not to repeat the mistakes you’ve seen others make,” she said. “I know you’ll be a better father than Mr. Perry and your dad ever was.”

His hand met her stomach. She placed a hand over his.

“I promise I’m gonna do my best,” he said.

He used his other hand to take a strand of Y/N’s hair, tucking it behind her ears. “I’m sorry I yelled and walked out on you. You never deserved that.”

“I’m sorry I pushed you to talk about it. I should’ve let you had a moment to process it.”

“You were trying to help.”

“I could’ve gone about it better though.”

“How about we leave it at we’re both sorry and we focus on enjoying each other’s company during the trip?” he suggested gently.

She smiled in agreement. “Works for me.”

#charlie dalton #charlie dalton x reader #charlie dalton imagine #dead poets society fanfic #dead poets society

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luthsthings · 4 months ago

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Sims 4 x 10 Years!

Ten years ago today, I booked the day off on my work schedule and played a lot of Sims 4.

I'd been a Simmer since 2000, after one of my kids asked for the game because they'd seen it at a friend's house. I played The Sims, and then Sims 2, and then Sims 3. Sims 3 and my computer didn't get on too well, and I fought it a lot, wanting to play rotationally as a micromanager! When the Sims 4 trailers started coming out, I felt like they'd finally made a version of the game that was really for me, as a micromanaging rotational player who doesn't want to restart for new packs and new worlds, and who likes some quirk and exaggeration.

So on September 2, 2014, I installed Sims 4. (I'd preordered, of course!) I downloaded trailer Sims from the Gallery (I still have a soft spot for Amber -- in one of my saves, back around 2015, she married Elvis Presley). I giggled at Sims sticking their fingers in their ear while they cooked. I got annoyed by the push-ups. I completely failed at making a roof. A Sim read a book while on the toilet and I was delighted. I took my Willow Creek Sim to visit the bar in Oasis Springs and enjoyed the view there (I like the dinos).

I made a self-Sim and spent lots of time tweaking her face till my husband came into the room, glanced at my monitor, and said, "Hey, that's actually you!" She's still my self-Sim (over on my avatar there). I just update her look now and then as I update my own.

I had a lot of fun, and I found myself using Sims as a new creative outlet in ways I hadn't so much before. I felt creative.

Eventually I confessed to my daughter that I'd actually played with my self-Sim. Here she is as a scientist back in 2015. Once upon a time, in an earlier version of the game, we -- me and my kids -- were playing with "us" in game and I died in a model rocket accident. This was traumatic and I was not supposed to play with "us" anymore. This time I did not die.

And here I am still playing! (But my hair went white.) I've had three-day saves and seven-year saves (RIP that save!). I've played every pack, but there are still base game things I haven't done! Sometimes I get really caught up in too much micromanaging with the game (townies really do often need fixing), then a new pack comes out and I try new things and it's a lot of fun again. It makes me laugh.

I've also made new friends in Sims communities and helped lots of Simmers keep playing the game. I started doing that back in 2014. A lot of the Sims community back then was focusing on what was bad about Sims 4. I was having fun with it, though, and enjoyed helping other people on the Forums who just wanted to do that.

That just kind of... morphed. It turned into some Forums posts gathering scattered info about upcoming packs from the various places SimGurus were saying things (I stopped doing those a couple of years ago -- there are websites gathering that info now, and a lot less places it turns up too). It turned into threads gathering info about mods that got broken in big game patches... and that was way back in 2015! I'm delighted that it turned into a whole thing in the community, with different places providing the info different ways. Getting to know the modding community after starting that has been a lot of fun. I even brushed off my old programming knowledge from high school and took over some mods from a modder I'd gotten to know well. I do like the lack of punch cards in modern programming!

I'm also super thankful to EA and Maxis for inviting me some years ago to be a Game Changer (the program that morphed into the EA Creator Network). I love the connections I have with other creators and storytellers and support people in the EACN, even if I feel really tiny next to the big names with their thousands and thousands of followers (but a quick thank you to my little group of Patrons! I appreciate you a ton!). I am also very appreciative of the gifted packs from EA that I receive as part of the EACN. They've helped make it a little bit easier to volunteer my time to supporting other Simmers, even if I do now have to put disclaimers on gameplay content I post, which sometimes feels a bit silly.

tldr: Happy 10th Birthday, Sims 4! I hope it's a fabulous one.

And now I'm going to grab some lunch, do some chores, then dive back into my current save. Cassandra has two love interests to consider, and that jewel is charging up. Plus she really needs a cat. And some actual income. And some improvements in her spellcasting (my previous save's Cassandra was a Mermaid). And that's not to start on Alexander building some skills before he heads off to uni for Robotics...

Psst...

Don't forget to mark on your calendar the next anniversary. The Sims franchise will be 25 on February 4, 2025!

#simblr #sims 4 #the sims 4 #ts4 #sims 4 anniversary #the sims 4 anniversary #ts4 anniversary

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haveaclock · 9 months ago

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Uhm...

Hi everyone?

Back from my little break I guess.

1 year is quite little

yea sure April 18 ,2023( the last time I posted) was a long time ago but,

"It's April 21st!! Of 2024!!"

oh wait I'm talking to myself again..

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Guess whose back, Back again, Shady's back..tell a friend.

yea

I have an excuse! I was going to take a break in observance of my little sister turning 10 (she's 11 she's growing up way too fast), boom one year later.

Genuinely forgot why I left Tumblr,for that matter social media after that..blame it on mental health and stress.

People should know that stuff happens in a year, things change. So guess what, this blog is changing..whoopi. Excluding my pfp I love it so much for absolutely no reason

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Blog things.

When I created this blog, I was in my "Jeantonio era", Jeantonio hyperfixation, if you were a CS fan in late 2022 most likely I was in your screen yapping about them and what not. Literally that was all my blog was good for, for that reason alone.

Yea, no more of that. I'm guessing the light switch turned off. I don't know what happened genuinely speaking they just aren't like..you can say I've gotten mature, when I look back at my posts I want to cry, bawl and curl up into a ball fetus position by the pure cringe of it. I don't know.

Not all only Jeantonio, it's just CS in general, sure I'm in a discord server (hi @tiredguyswag) about La Femme Rouge but I really just don't feel the same way about the show I used to. Blame it on personal life I guess.

now that I say that all I say on discord is how I stopped having a Jeantonio hyperfixation 🙃

Anyways,

Don't get me wrong I still love the,but I'll barely post about them. Yea, mind blower.

Next segment

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Bio thing

It's funny how I haven't made this before but that's that I guess,

- I go by Cassandra,

(@r41nb0wzzz DO NOT CALL ME OUT, I KNOW WHAT MY NAME IS.)

-Minor (don't hit on me 😒)

-She/Her

Hobbies: Drawing, Animations, Running,..does talking count?

.. I'll just skip to the fandoms part.

- Avatar:The Last Airbender

- Carmen SanDiego (kinda obvious)

- Any kind of children's show

-Mandela Catalogue

- MLP

- Undertale, but just barely

- Steven Universe

- Genshin Impact

-Spiderverse

I've forgotten now

Now, this shall come as a Total shocker for you guys but,

- Total Drama Island

see what I did there

next segment

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Everyone knows what a hyperfixation is,

A character(s) or show, or something you like so much you traumatize them or you draw them in class so much you have 3 full pages of that one character.

(Okay, funny thing is I've never drawn El Topo and Le Chèvre like, never in my life until like, January this year during Carmen week, crazy.)

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I was never one of those users that had a new hyperfixation like, by the day, "Jeantonio 4 life man"

Which is funny,

Okay I'll get on with it Rajbow (Raj and Bowie) is cool guys.

I love Rajbow so much man..

It's like ... it's like Terry McGurin watched Carmen SanDiego and then implemented Jeantonio onto Total Drama Island.

I will go on and on about them like..

Like look at them!!

Look.

Goofy Goobers times 2x man..

I didn't even mention Wayne man..Wayne!!!

I will put each of them in my pocket..each!

It's a brainrot.. man..

Will I be making remarks about my hating Bowie? No!

Le Chèvre got them because I hated him but now I don't because I forgot my reason,

or I just made him too fem queen in my head..

I love Bowie man..

And Raj..

And Wayne..

Platonic Raynebow 4 life man..

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I forgot the majority of the stuff I came here to say, so I'll just say what I remember, and leave you guys to forget this,

-I'm going to delete a lot of my old posts most likely this weekend, they were very cringe man, understand where I'm coming from...

-Thetalkwithaveaclock isn't coming back, it's getting killed off. But then again nobody cared or knew what it was,

- Posting won't be something you'll be getting in every 56 seconds, it's more like every 56 days or something..I either just don't want to come back to Tumblr or its school man..

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Yeah, that's pretty much it..I forgot a lot of what I was going to say to you guys, okay..uh..

Anyways,

Bye Bye..CS nation?.. I'm guessing the majority of this will be read by CS nation..

- cassandra

#i was not being serious with this man #carmen sandeigo netflix #total drama

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manicpixiedckgirl · 1 year ago

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okay, so i posted a timeline. sue me! i quit all other social media last year and needed that dopamine hit. just a lil nicotine patch for online attention. seasonal depression is a bitch okay. i posted it here and to ig, bc ig is to late millennials what facebook is boomers. and people have all said some very nice things, but when you're posting a 10 year timeline, you're usually hoping for someone from your past to see it and go "woah! you're so different now"!

and whaddya know, this time it worked. one of my exes from when i was a teenager saw it. not one of the ones who turned out to be a lesbian, one of the ones who turned out to be a trans man. He just wanted to say hi - that he was so happy to see that i looked happy, and that i looked incredible, especially compared to the scruffy twink they had dated. (okay those are my words not his)

he and I didn’t have a great relationship at first - no one had a great relationship with me before i realized i was a trans woman obviously, but this was pretty young. I was really repressed and weird back then, and still very much without any social graces, and we were only like 16. they caught the full broadside of my emo fuckboy energy and got out fast once they saw that - i don’t blame them. I was crying in their arms about how much i hated my new body hair, and how i wanted to be able to wear dresses, and the next day i’d be completely emotionally unavailable and denying all of it. not exactly boyfriend material, not entirely boyfriend. They were very traumatized too in their own way, just realizing they were trans too, and engaging in a lot of ‘i want to be a gay man’ antics, fucking their way through the pain. He was frankly way too cool and sexually liberated to be wasting his time with that version of me. And it was very obvious to everyone who knew what that was 12-15 years ago that i was a closeted trans girl. we had a friend group that eventually fell apart, and we parted for the first time.

Later, in our late teens/20, we would end up fucking - i had started to accept and announce that my gender was complicated, and i was starting to be kinda faggy and loud about it, and not everyone hated that, and they had just started T and were boy horny. We split a bottle of wine (or was it two? It was probably two) and started watching an ashley tisdale movie. Looking back on it, how it went must definitely have been his plan, but i’ve always been blind about this stuff and was that night. It was definitely bad sex, but it was also fun sex - the first time I enjoyed myself, and the pressure of having to be a guy wasn’t so overwhelming i didnt effectively black out. he’s one of the first people i ever talked to about feeling complicated about gender, and i think by then he had figured me out, and was just letting me get the rest of the way on my own. I still couldn’t top for him, i never rly could top for anyone, even before estrogen. but we still had fun, with our hands and with our mouths. and then after that, we'd go to art shows and poetry readings and hang out again occasionally, like we talked about doing when we were literal kids, putting on rocky horror in our front rooms.

but life takes you away from people, and he got into film school, and i somehow graduated my chemistry program and moved to the US. he moved to Germany for a while, although i hear he's back home. i got married, got separated, there was a global pandemic. we hadn't talked in years, although i had snooped on him once or twice. He’s a director now - he’s made some impressive arthouse films, all horror and gender and kitchy campy cerebral themes. He’s got a big tv writing credit on the way in irish tv. Idk - it felt rly good to impress him, to say hi, to remember. it's really cool to see other trans people thriving and living life, always. anyone who cleaves reality to themselves and fashions themselves into someone they can love is someone who impresses me. but it's different when it's someone you've known for almost half your life - someone you were a fucked up kid with, not sure if either of you would make it to 18. and to be smiling at each other, looking at 30, and wondering what's next. i'm really proud of the both of us actually. and i needed that today.

#trans #essay #diary

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sweetxmargs · 5 months ago

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[ … ] ❀ you’re not from around here , are you? i figured because you totally just missed { Amaya Honey Narvaez } walking by. don’t tell me you don’t know who { she/her } is ? they kind of look like { Adria Ajorna } and i could be wrong but i think that they might be { 27 } years old right now. they’ve been living in palmview for the last { 2 years }. and i don’t know if anyone has ever told them this before but they kind of remind me of { Violet Sandford } from { Coyote Ugly }. if you stick around the town long enough you might catch them in action working at { coral cove beach } as a { lifeguard }. you see this town isn’t really that big of a place, some folks like to call them the { the beach bum } of palmview! they took a liking to the name too after a while, go figure. oh crap, they must have heard me yapping. they’re coming this way. i got to warn you though, rumor has it they can pretty { stubborn } at times. i wouldn’t take it too seriously though, from the times i’ve spoken to them they seemed pretty { compassionate } to me. we see each other all the time since they live in that { 2a } apartment beside me over in { mango bay }. i better leave you to it. it was nice meeting you! { pops. 26. she/her. gmt. }

about amaya:

She doesn't know her parents and personally doesn't think it's a loss on her end, she was raised by her childhood best friend's parents and they loved her more than life itself.

Her childhood was split between Hawaii, Costa Rica where she learnt to surf and Seattle. Maya did alright in school but she thrived more in sports, running track, swimming lessons, basketball? you name it, she had more of a knack for it than math.

She went to university to study marine biology and it's truthfully her end goal career as well as generally knowing more about sea life but being a lifeguard is fulfilling for her at the moment.

Not the most open soul about her life with most people, Amaya would much rather talk about anyone or anything else.

With this being said she's incredibly stubborn, especially if you push on something she is not willing to talk about

She moved to Palmview 2 years ago for a fresh start after a traumatic accident.

Amaya has a dog called Rosco who she rescued and yes, it is her personality. he's incredibly well-trained and is pretty much always with her.

Amaya was made for the beach but loves the rain. What sealed the deal on her apartment choice (other than the cost) was the window seat that she promptly decorated with blankets, pillows and books.

Maya loves hard and can be an instinctual hugger, pls tell her to get off. Handshakes stress her out and she still recalls being 10 years old and someone telling her you need 8 hugs a day to be happy.

Loves a good book and will recommend 30 to you if you open the floodgates.

Friends is always on her tv. Not in a 'I watch it all the time' way, but in the sense of she loves background noise and she's re-watched it so many times, she's not missing anything.

She is stupidly messy even though she tries not to be, her poor neighbours probably see her bras often hung from the balcony.

Amaya loves a marg and a dance and therefore will drag anyone out with her to shake their ass (she wishes on a yacht)

connection ideas: (these are super loose and just ideas)

Peas in a pod: It's just so easy to exist in each other's company, whether they hang out all the time or even just now and then, I'm just thinking all those different kinds of solid friendships

Disconnected: adult life seems to fly by before you’ve even had a chance to breathe and sometimes we lose touch with old and dear friends - maybe someone who Amaya was once close with and they fell out/drifted apart/lost touch.

Life of the party: Amaya loves a boogy, loves a cute cocktail and maybe you do too? The pair who are always out on the town, having fun and drunkenly giggling over pizza.

Tonight you belong to me: We all need a confidant, someone who we can tell the most reserved parts of our lives too, or even someone you can text at 1 am to go for a late-night drive and sit in silence.

Lover: Past, present, future, Amaya is a big lover and adores people, even if this a fleeting ‘situationship,’ it can truly be anything

One night only: One-night stand turned into two… or more? may not harbor any real feelings for each other, but when the sun goes down the two of them both feel the need to be in someone’s arms.

Hillside Boys: They simply had a summer fling. okay, maybe two summer flings. to MUSE A, there’s nothing that screams summer more than a temporary situationship. however, as the season comes to a close their little situation is a little less fun. as the year goes on and the weather gets colder (signifying cuffing season) maybe they part ways. on the occasion of an autumn run-in, things are never awkward. things are just not as tempting outside the summer.It girls: Amaya loves morning yoga, pilates, moving her body in any way and treating herself to a coffee post work out because we love all things self care! Sometimes this could even be facials or brunch, but the type of friend who love to indulge in these activities together.

#palmviewintro #i hope this is okay!#I over thought it a bit lmao

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vent-rat · 1 year ago

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Presenting Katie Wolfe, a.k.a Copycat!

@homegrown-blorbo-garden

I suck at drawing without a base, so here's the references I used!

First one I genuinely have no clue. I drew it like 4 or 5 years ago in my high school-provided subscription of Photoshop so I do not have the files. I searched up something along the lines of "superhero pose drawing reference female" though.

2nd!

3rd!

4th I used HeroForge as a reference.

Now that the art showcase is complete, I shall tell her story! Well, part of it. You see Katie is part of an entire multiverse I created called FiveOh Comics. At my count right now, there's 285 characters in this universe (plus an rp Discord server which I can link to anyone interested in joining). There's a ton of storylines all over the universe, and Copycat in particular has an entire 100 episode-10 season show I'm writing about her that I want to get officially produced, but I don't have time to go through all of it today, so here's the essentials!

Katie Wolfe is an anomaly, born with superhuman powers that manifested at 10. She could copy any actions she saw other people take, so long as she physically had the capability to do so. She could also chameleon herself to look like other people, or change her own appearance. Worth mentioning also that she's bisexual and polyamorous.

She's the daughter of Timberwolf (a.k.a Theresa Wolfe), one of the most famous superheroes in the world and the leader of POW! (Protectors Of the World), the first superhero team ever. Theresa's also the smartest person in the world, and runs the company Wolfe Sciences, dedicated to creating products that advance humanity's capabilities. I'll talk about Theresa again in a later post when I've drawn a not-shitty picture of her in hero mode.

Trying to follow in her mother's footsteps, Katie helped found Alpha Sentinel, the most popular hero team in the world, since it had two former members of POW! leading it and never seemed to lose. In the fight that formed the team, Katie met a shapeshifter from a doomed civilization in the core of the Earth, who'd been jettisoned to the surface to save her. Confused and angry, she lashed out, until the soon-to-be team pacified her and they slunk off. Katie later tracked her down and brought them to her mother. After a while of acclimating to the surface and its society, she took a human form, naming herself Emily and choosing to stay with Katie and Theresa. Theresa officially adopted her, and she became Katie's sister.

After 3 successful years of Alpha Sentinel's career, tragedy struck. One member was trapped within his own mind, one was killed, a third was traumatized so bad she quarantined herself in her room for nearly a year, and a fourth was hospitalized, leaving only Katie and Stingray (aka Steven Raye, Theresa's best friend) still active heroes. Of course, though, Katie was not unaffected by this event, and she retreated into a shell for over a month, right up to the start of the Copycat series, the events of which I won't spoil.

Over the course of the show, however, she deals with her own emotional scars and brings together friends, even saving the old AS member who was trapped in his own mind, and created a new Alpha Sentinel, consisting of herself, Stingray, the previously mentioned member of AS, Riptide, Timberwolf, her sister Emily, calling herself Goop Girl, her best friend Cassie Wright, or Libra, and a wizard named Stardust.

Oh, also there's a strong chance she's a daughter of Athena. At the very least, she's been blessed, as Athena has allowed her to summon Aegis and Astrape.

I'll get to all of these characters in due time, of course, but for now, that's Katie's story! Here's some quotes from her for good measure.

Katie: I live in fear of John Cena brushing my mouth like Colgate.

Katie: Hey, y’know how some people get birds released at their weddings?

Emily: …yes?

Katie: I want Cassowaries released at my wedding.

Theresa: "Katie, if you ever utter the phrase 'copyright incringement' in my house again, I'm kicking you out."

Katie, dying: I’m sorry… you know I had to do it to ‘em…

Katie: You're not a copycat. Nothing has ever been done the way you do it before. Everything you do is special and unique to you.

#blorbo harvest #fiveoh comics #copycat series #katie wolfe

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yourbelgianthings · 1 year ago

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taz november celebration fic 5: prompt soft

it was pretty obvious to me what i had to do with this one, so enjoy your beef, everybody! ~650 words, tw car crash mention, steeplechase ep 10/11 spoilers @taznovembercelebration

The heist of the Clean and the explosive car chase through Gutter City left every member of Poppy's Pals traumatized. Emerich was haunted by what he had done to a hardlight construct, Montrose got a taste for danger and became reckless, and Beef started second guessing what they were doing after truly ending up in harm's way, developing a soft side. Once Sticky Fingers Paul Pantry paid the crew, Montrose pulled Emerich into the back to try and pull him out of his depressed state, leaving Beef on his own. He sank to the floor in front of one of the brightly colored and flashing arcade machines, crossing his muscular arms on top of his knees and laying his head down on them. The sound of footsteps approached, but without even looking up, he said, "Fuck off, Poppy," sounding more tired than mad, and they retreated again. God, what happened here? He was Beef Punchley, sure, past his prime, but still Beef Punchley nonetheless. Why was he scared all of a sudden? How did this get to be too much so fast? Somehow, it now seemed like Montrose was the strong one, thriving off of danger and being in high-adrenaline situations. Beef's physical strength was no longer going to cut it. He ran his fingers across the sleeve of tattoos on each of his arms. Their familiar designs and colors somehow seemed strange now. The heist had been a success, they got the prism of the Clean back to Sticky Fingers Paul Pantry and out of being blackmailed, but he personally still felt like a failure. In his career, he had never second guessed himself. He had always wanted to be a professional arm wrestler, and of course working for Dentonic in Ustaben wasn't his first choice after the scandal, but it never felt wrong. Until now, that was, but the problem was the heists. If he could stop being a criminal and just go back to the regular old routine at Poppy's Place, that would be fine by him, but he had a sinking feeling in his stomach that it was too late for that. He inhaled deeply, clenched all his muscles, exhaled, and relaxed them. That was enough spiraling, he trusted Emerich and Montrose and they'd find a way forward somehow. Beef got up, stretched, and headed for the Buttercream; he had something in mind he'd love to win somehow and share with the other two. Later that evening, he knocked on the door of the back room. "Go away, Poppy!" Montrose called. Beef laughed and replied, "Don't worry, it's me." The door opened and he saw Montrose standing there, still not changed out of his coat that got burned in the car chase, and Emerich dozing on one of the chairs. He revealed the bottle of bourbon (that he had won, and at a game he never played before, too!) from behind his back. "I figured we could all use a drink after everything that went down earlier." Hearing another voice, Emerich awoke with a start, but relaxed seeing it was just Beef. After talking with Montrose and getting a chance to rest, he looked a little bit less like a ghost. Montrose was still focused on the bottle, his mask displaying a mildly surprised expression. "Beef, where did you find this? It looks like part of the commemorative park anniversary batch from five years ago." "I didn't think we were in the habit of asking each other questions, Montrose. Unless you want to start answering them?" he replied teasingly. "Touché." They all laughed and sat down to share a well earned drink together. There wasn't exactly a lot of time in the lives of professional thieves to process trauma, but a couple shots with their friends? That they could do, no matter how haunted, reckless, or soft.

#message from mirph #mirph's manuscripts #taz november celebration #taz fanfic #taz steeplechase #beef punchley #travis mcelroy #fanfic

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itsgivingautism · 1 year ago

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01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

#disability rant #autistic rant #actually autistic #actually disabled #actually chronically ill #autistic adult #autistic blogger #disabled blogger #autistic experiences #disabled #chronically ill #actually cptsd #Zias diary 🌿#Zia 🌿#chronic illness

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troublesjunkyard · 2 months ago

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1 through 44

Oh boy, this will be a loooong post. So grab a snack, sit down and listen up.

1: Age

21+

2: Shoe size

EU 39, US 7

3: Do you smoke?

Yes, occasionally. But not as much as few years ago.

4: Do you drink?

Very rarely. When I visit friends or they visit us or on New Years Eve. Oooor a good Glühwein in winter hehehehe.

5: Do you take drugs?

Nope.

6: Age you get mistaken for

Most people mistaken me for a 16 or 18 year old

7: Have tattoos?

Yes!

8: Want any tattoos?

I would but money is tight atm and it's complicated with my skin condition.

9: Got any piercings?

Yep!

10: Want any piercings?

No, I'm done with piercings I don't need more, thank you.

11: Best friend?

Her name is Jade. The name she chose herself. She sadly died almost a year ago...

12: Relationship status

Happily married and together with two lovely partners 🩷

13: Biggest turn ons

My biggest turn on (that will sound weird but whatever...) is when someone can cook real good. It doesn't have to be fancy! Just really fucking good food! :>

14: Biggest turn offs

If someone talks to me as if I were dumb or a little kid. If you think I'm dumb, then you got a problem because I only play really dumb if I don't trust you...

And if someone only wants me because I can be "useful" for them. The staged friendliness ends really quickly if you can't be useful anymore or can't be there for them because of your mental issues.

15: Favorite movie

I got many.....To mention three of them: How to train your dragon, Treasure planet and Atlantis!

16: I’ll love you if…

( •̀ ω •́ )✧ You see my art and reblog and like it, getting fanart or being ask things about them or just ask me things.

17: Someone you miss

My best friend...

18: Most traumatic experience

Last year November through December and January this year. First some hospital stays.

I spent most of the time of christmas, my birthday and New Year's Eve on two deathbeds of loved ones. In January I attended three funerals within two weeks. Had one surgery close behind with narcosis and ready to give up in these three months.

This paired with people being umsympathetic and hating me for not being there for them, for having no energy left to write with them... It took a heavy toll. Many relationship were cut becauseof this. I was the bad person, getting left behind despite offering a second chance.

19: A fact about your personality

I'm honest. Hurtful honest. Many can't handle this.

20: What I hate most about myself

I'm patient. Paired with kindness I can be blind for a long time...

When you really managed to piss me off real hard (congrats to you, that's really hard to achieve with me) , I will say that I won't interact for now anymore. You have a hard time to get me to talk to you. Because I won't talk or interact for a long time.

21: What I love most about myself

My blue eyes (I can scare the shit out of people with it hehehe) and my ability to climb over many walls despite being not tall.

22: What I want to be when I get older

I want to stay kind. Giving others the kindness they never got...

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

I'm the grumpy oldest sister. I love my four younger siblings to death, even when they're really annoying from time to time. I don't live with them anymore but we still have a really good relationship to each other and call or visit us frequently.

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

My relationship to my partens is good. They supported me a lot through my life and my decisions. I visit them almost every week to have a small chat and drinking tea together. If I need something, they're here for me and I help them if they need my tech-support. xD

25: My idea of a perfect date

Movie night on the couch! Make it really cozy, many many snacks and drinks and let's go!

26: My biggest pet peeves

Wobbly tables and if someone calls me by my nickname my mom only is allowed to use.

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

A big love for memes and good food, tall and chubby with really comfortable clothes. Really good in giving hugs 15/10, prefers to wear blue clothes and accessoires I handcrafted.

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

A friendly facade, liked by a lot of people because it's so friendly, glasses, long hair. Prefers distance (I can respect that tho).

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

Because it would've caused a negative mental overload and person can't handle mental health issuses from others.

30: What I hate the most about work/school

The fucking talking behind the back! No wonder nobody does a favor for the other anymore...

31: What my last text message says

Translated into english: Really? You used your brainpower for THAT joke?

32: What words upset me the most

The words "Whatever, I don't care."

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

"You draw my OC so cool"

34: What I find attractive in women

That shimmer in their eyes when they're happy. When they can laugh about stupid little puns and can accept a no without getting mad.

35: What I find attractive in men

Their honest smile and laughter. When they can be honest about their feelings and can accept a no without getting mad.

36: Where I would like to live

Bavarian Forest.

37: One of my insecurities

I search the blame always on myself, even when I'm not the one who was wrong.

38: My childhood career choice

Zoo keeper and dragon keeper xD

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

Mango and Chocolate chip mint.

40: Who I wish I could be

Someone who trusts themselves more...

41: Where I want to be right now

Right where I am.

42: The last thing I ate

Takoyaki! O(∩_∩)O

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

My partner Lingo. When she walks around her cozy clothes oooooooh 🩷💜

44: A random fact about anything

The longest word in the German language is

“Donaudampfschifffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft”

That's 79 letters. It describes the staff of a hydroelectric power station on the Danube. I had to write this word once...

#trouble speaks #thanks for the ask

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slowdripsunrise · 5 months ago

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ok here we go again spoilers under the cut

starting off with a banger i read The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon. holy shit it was awesome. audiobook 10/10 narrator did a phenomenal job. there were some characters that confused me, where there were a couple names for the same person and i thought they were different people, and the opposite maybe im still not quite sure.... mainly with the queen of yscalin i believe? again not 100% sure but it didn't take away from the story at all. i did really like most if not all of the characters, they were all well fleshed out in my opinion. super interested in the prequel, my favorite thing ever ever ever in stories is like. well theres the story but what happened before years ago or even centuries ago is still there. she's haunting the narrative. she's present in every timeline there was no other ending to this story etc. etc. loved it excited to get my hands on the other one and maybe also try some of shannons other books? i heard about another series but it looked a lil confusing to get into but either way i will read it. trust

after that i read Yellowface by R. F. Kuang ! not my favorite of hers bc i am more of a fantasy/sci fi/historical fiction girlie rather than lit fic but there were parts of this that did make me laugh ! its been a while but i do remember the part where the mc talks about liking eminem or something in the beginning and thinking ok yeah she's got the character down good. like yeah. anyways i do see how it's a bit on the nose and some of it seems a little out there and cartoonishly evil. and i can definitely see how a lot of the characters mirror real life people, mainly athena/rebecca. and how a lot of the criticisms towards athena are criticisms r.f. kuang has gotten/gets in the past and does she kinda just write them off as haterisms. yeah. like thats a little funny sure queen. and while yes i dooooo think that its a bit over the top some times..... having seen all of the asian phishing and race faking and pretending to be someone ur not on twitter to get published irl these past few MOnths. like in 2024 ONLY. i do think Sometimes the obviousness is necessary !. like some of you bitches did NAWT get the message. anyways the book was pretty good not my personal favorite as its just not the type of story i typically read but i will continue to read Kuang's work ! it was fun it was silly i got to laugh at a racist white woman.... and i do think it was nice how a tiny little bit of sympathy would come up for the mc in the book and then just immediately be squandered by the next stupid thing she did like it was funny. like damn okay you watched a sorta friend acquaintance die thats traumatic. oh well you stole her entire manuscript okay nevermind. oh something bad happened to you in the past that sucks for you /gen sorry. oh okay no ur using it to fuel ur racist ideas and beliefs and how nothing is actually ur fault okay man yeah i dont feel bad anymore. like it was just kinda funny how every little chance she got to do better she absolutely squashed it. astronomically. and okay last thing i think but i do like in the acknowledgements Kuang said that a lot of this book is a horror story about loneliness in an isolating industry. and thats not a direct quote but i think its the jist and yeah like. so many problems the mc had could have been solved by having real friends that cared about her and her writing and supported her when she needed it, so she didn't go and blame every other person (and minority) in her vicinity on her problems. and people to hold her accountable when she did wrong. all of the people around her were basically just yes men (when she was making them money) and so nobody checked her when she was being a fucking idiot and a racist. so like. yeah i do see how it's a horror story about loneliness, and i like that outlook on the story. it is also primarily a silly ass look into a racist white woman's brain. like okay i can see how you got to this conclusion, if everything else you have ever thought and known and been taught was wrong. like its yeah a little funny. okay i need to stop on this one i am just saying words at this point like it does need to stop. recommend as a quick read if you wanna see how a lot of racist people in the publishing industry operate. (side note that part was interesting reading about the publishing industry like taking away the racism from the mc it was interesting to see the other characters and how they operate) okay done.

NEXT i read Ghost Music by An Yu. interesting, the mushrooms were throwing me a bit and like. i do see how there is a connection between the mushrooms and the mother and her hometown and her son but its been a bit long since i read this so i do not know what the connection is yet. and what exactly this connection is trying to say. i think if i reread it i would understand more but i'm not much of a rereader and i don't think im interested enough in this book to try. dont get me wrong it was good !! i just wasn't in the correct headspace to really take it all in when i read it. the story was fun, i liked most of the characters. tbh it is very short so i feel like i didn't sit with it long enough. i also dont understand the talking mushroom. but like the vibes were there.

ALMOST THERE !!!!! i read ough okay A Tempest of Tea by Hafsah Faizal ! so. i liked it thats for sure. the characters were fun and cute i particularly liked the relationship between Jin and Flick...... they were cute. i do think as i've grown out of YA and into adult books, my standards for YA have gotten lower and lower lol. like i have high standards for my adult novels because thats what i primarily read now, but going into YA i'm looking for maybe a more specific type of vibe and less like. i don't need the highest quality ever bc i have high quality in adult books now. if you get what i mean? so like no i don't think this was Faizal's best work we hunt the flame you will always be that girl to me. BUT. i read this for the vibes and the tea and the heist and not much else. my expectations were low -that the other thing i think a lot of people came into this book with super high expectations- and i had a really good time ! i am definitely interested in the sequel- i think a lot actually maybe not a lot but some of the moments in the book were specifically written to idk maybe go viral ? like some of the dialogue and scenes i could just tell some editor or publisher really wanted to highlight it. did i see a lot of the plot twists coming. yeah. did that make it less interesting....... not really? Could it have been better. yes absolutely i think theres always room for improvement especially in YA when a lot of things are more cookie cutter. BUT. this was still fun. and i liked how the worlds are connected, arawiya is present ! although. okay. am i stupid because Laith was making references to shit i feel like i should remember but i don't.... like yes arawiya was freed by the king yes i know vaguely.... but yeah. idk. I WILL READ THE SECOND ONE !!!!!! love how this post is just me trying to remind myself to read more books lol.

NEXT i read The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow. fun book ! not much to say about it tbh i did like the vibes, don't remember the ending at all so overall i don't think this one like. really made me think or emote or whatever. i do think that the dual kinda. stories were cool i liked reading both, which is rare for me usually theres one that i like a lot more than the other. the world was cool. i had fun. i would recommend as a shorter little fantasy book....

Tread of Angels by Rebecca Roanhorse... meh. I kinda went into this knowing absolutely nothing I SEE THE VISION. god i see the vision so hard but i really think Roanhorse shines when she has a larger page number and more room to really flesh out her ideas. like because the vibe was there, it wasn't like. Present but i could get just a little taste of it and god it would have gone so hard as a fully fledged story i feel like. this one, tho, fell way flat. i did NAWT care about any of the characters at all. like the mc and her sister. were just both not great people and like neither were the rest of them and i think that was the point but like even when characters are bad you kinda wanna have to root for them at some point. and i just did not at all. Sad !. well theres other stories.

okay. last one. i finally did it after so many people raving about it and one of my friends basically forcing it on me. i read The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemison. and well like i get it. LIKE OKAYYYY I FUCKING GET IT THIS BOOK WAS AWESOME. apparently the author is on tumblr and does look for fanart so like if u see this hai :3. really really fucking good. it took me one or two tries to get into it, first with just the book, second with just the audiobook, and once i had time to sit down and read them together it was like. just flew by. i tried to pace myself but hooo boy. did i see it coming how all the characters were actually one character yes. because well i had heard how everything was connected before and well the dots came together pretty quickly. did not take away from the story at all though! if anything it made me want to read more to see when and how it all came together !! 1000000000% recommend to anyone who likes fantasy (look up trigger warnings!). the characters OUGH. the worldbuilding OUGH. that last line like OUGH. the little interludes like explaining some stuff about the world OUGH. like okay when it was talking about how yknow. how will people know whats missing when they've never had it before? like they have the stars the planets the sun and i was like well Moon? any Moons queen? and then forgot about it until the very end like OKAY YEAH THE MOON. having a moon well it does control tides and things like that. so it being missing could have a large affect on the seasons. and well yeah. also. dude the whole premise of like having to go on what u think is a stupid ass assignment with some guy you don't like but are contractually obligated to have sex with. well its fucked up first of all. but also just a little bit funny like. the mc will just be describing her day and then just "yeah and when we set up camp for the night me and this stupid ass man i hate had sex it was really bad and then we went to bed" its just a little funny like man. yeah. the polyamory was cute !!!!!!! those little moments of bliss and then it switches to a different pov and ur like god how did it go so wrong. damn. okay last thing because well this is getting long. but god there was a post i think i reblogged it but comparing two passages, one of Alabaster saying he would destroy the world for his little family, and the other from the very beginning of the story where he breaks the world and that just. is so. OUGH TO ME LIKE FAWWWWK this book is kindof making me insane and also to that point of the part in the beginning where Alabaster is breaking The Stillness well that part in the audiobook. god the narrator did such a good job that will stick in my mind forever i think. just they way they said it OUGH. fucked me up. anyways thats all if u read all this good job happy reading.

#book review #thoughts.txt #the priory of the orange tree #yellowface #ghost music #a tempest of tea #the ten thousand doors of january #tread of angels #the fifth season

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carronpatrick · 9 months ago

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I had 4 hours of sleep in the past 3 days... And now that Trooper is gone, I just. I'm so scared to even try to sleep.

I haven't slept alone since I was like, 12. Which, I haven't slept since Trooper died 14 hours ago despite being so utterly destroyed I can barely keep my mind working... But either a dog or boyfriend or friend sleepovers or on my parent's floor... I don't know how to sleep alone without night terrors and fitful dozing of 15 minutes here, 10 there.

And I don't even give a flying fuck if whoever reads this thinks I'm being dramatic. I'm not. I had this puppy since he was 7 weeks old, being sold as a 'defect' because he had a curly-q tail, and we were together through an extremely abusive relationship, a car accident, someone stalking and threatening to kill me, my shitty ass family and exfriends dramas, the death of my dad and Jake and our 2 eldest dogs, 5 different diseases between us two, my mom's brain surgery, and every time my depression got almost unbearable where I literally begged God to let me die... I kept going purely because he needed me.

He slept in my arms from night one. There were 3 nights in his 9 year life where I wasn't home and that was to take care of my mother in Nashville and my dad watched him and sent me hourly pupdates. I didn't sleep until I almost passed out whole driving us home and even then I was in my mom's room.

I feel absolutely empty and hollowed and dead. Just still have the horrific pain which is how I know I'm still alive. I manage to stop sobbing and having a panic attack where I can't breathe and then I just... Look around and I see him everywhere. His water bowl by the bed, his babies on it, his hair clippers in the bathroom, his medicine downstairs, his numerous beds and toys and his treats and his little hoodie and his damn fur from when I trimmed him literally right before his became comatose on our bed... I have his collar on me constantly, which I bought before I even knew he was the best boy for me...

I am just so utterly alone. Everyone I love leaves or dies or lives hundreds of miles away and I genuinely don't know what I did in a past life to either piss off the universe or for God to think I can just handle all of these struggles... But I'm so sorry for whatever I did, I am. I need just.... One bit of good, of sunshine in this fucking hurricane.

I had to set up 2 night lights just so I can try to maybe sleep if I can finally pass out from deprivation and exhaustion from crying almost the entire past 14 hours. My skin is raw, my eyes are swollen and red, my nose and sinuses are stopped up to where I popped my left ear when swallowing mid-episode, I got maybe 6 bites of food in because I am so so sick to my stomach, I have a fever and chills, I have marks where I dug nails into my arms and legs and a bruise on my forehead and chest where I pounded repeatedly in a feeble attempt to stay sane and alive and grounded and I still can't fucking sleep.

I lay on my left and I expect to see him there, whining to go under the covers and cuddle with me... Lay on my right and expect to feel him curl into my back and scooch me to the side more and more... Lay on my back and expect to feel him at my head, curled around it like he did since he was a baby.

I doubt anyone is still reading and I'm just fucking sobbing writing it but. It's 330a and it's not like I can fucking sleep. I want my baby, I want my daddy, I want my honey... I want to dissociate or just snap and not feel a fucking thing thing until I can successfully shove all of this pain and sadness and misery into my compartmentalizing brain boxes and not take bits out until I can handle them.

Hopefully my medicines kick my ass and I just.... Sleep with zero dreams or terrors for the next day or week or, idk. I can't even talk about what exactly happened to him because it was too similar to my dad's death and I genuinely am traumatized because I was just finally easing my ptsd from dad and now have it from my baby boy, my son, my soul... I probably am making zero sense.

Hug your loved ones, anyone actually reading this... Hug them and tell them you love them every chance you get. Say it over and over - it doesn't cheapen it. Not if you mean it. Whether your loved one is a fur baby or a human, related or a friend or whatever... fucking love them and let them know it every second you can because anyone can get taken from you in a moment. And you'll be left cursing every millisecond of wasted time.

#I love you forever my sweet boy #You were the best boy anyone could ever have #I am so sorry if I wasn't good enough of a mommy I am so sorry I couldn't keep you safe and healthy #I miss you so fucking much

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trashbins-stuff · 2 years ago

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I'm a mother with metastatic (stage ll) breast cancer with a 10-month-old daughter who was born with cerebral palsy.that my life has been in recent years, thank you for coming this far and giving me all your support, for those who do not know the hard battle I face and for which I try to reach their hearts. . . . . In search of support I briefly tell you my situation.

My name is maua, 5 years ago I was driving to meet my best friend, suddenly my vision was double, my vision was going in and out, I remember pulling into a parking lot, I just thought to call someone, but I couldn't dial from my phone , I lost consciousness, when I woke up I couldn't coordinate or make rational decisions, I woke up repeating over and over again that I had to go home, by then I thought I had the flu with a very bad headache, the doctors came and one of They told me that I had bronchitis and sinusitis, a month later the symptoms had not disappeared, by then I had already gone to the specialist for the third time. After much concern, finally a doctor ordered a chest x-ray because the x-rays showed that I had a pleural effusion in my right lung, other doctors objected saying that it was not necessary, days later while I was taking a shower I found a lump in my breast, after rigorous examinations they ended up diagnosing me with metastatic breast cancer. I then had chemotherapy and a bilateral mastectomy (removal of both breasts), reconstructive surgery, and implant placement.

Harvesting or freezing my eggs before the chemo was not an option, they said that there was a high probability that the chemo would affect my fertility, this shattered my illusions because I really dreamed of being a mother. After the surgery I was considered cancer free, 4 years later I got pregnant, in February 2022 I gave birth to my little Elly, the delivery was complicated, my pregnancy was traumatic due to my history of cancer, my little love of 3 pounds and 6 ounces was born 10 weeks early. Elly was born with cerebral palsy, during the pregnancy I had several threats of abortion, by the mercy of God my baby grabbed my uterus tightly, she cannot breastfeed her, but I am content with having her on my chest and giving her warmth and protection as much as I can, Its care is special, it requires rigorous treatments and it is not cheap. I always refused to ask for help with my cancer, but seeing my baby so delicate and defenseless I understood that I need everyone, these are difficult times, we have a very hard road ahead of us at home, my daughter needs all the help possible.

I lived a life in remission for almost 5 years before developing a bad cough during flu season, a few months after giving birth I felt like everything was wrong, made several doctor visits, had a chest X-ray due to my history , they found fluid in my lungs, after draining and analyzing it, it was evidenced that there were breast cancer cells, after more cancer tests it was found not only in my lungs, but in my liver and bones, at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer (stage Il) a few years later I found out that the cancer had invaded my brain as well.

However, today I am stable and most of the cancer is gone, but I am still on continuous treatment that I am not allowed to stop. Since my cancer was found I have had 57 chemo infusions, 10 IM injections, countless Il/port sticks, too many pills to count, 1 pleurx drain to my lung, 4 JP drains, x2 thoracentesis, 9 surgeries, 2 interventional radiology procedures , 1 biopsy, 1 mammogram, 2 x-rays, 2 ultrasounds, 6 hospitalizations, plus ED visits, 17 CT scans, 3 CT scans, 20 MRIs, 2 bone scans, palliative radiation, 1 seizure, 7 gamma knife treatments, 1 craniotomy , 8 doctors/surgeons, countless amazing nurses, NPs PAs, lots of scars, and thousands of dollars in medical bills and counting. However, I am here with a beautiful gift from God in my arms, this can only be called a miracle, God wants me here and I must fight for it and my little girl needs me.

please help me with anything you want to help me

im not able to donate but i will share, i hope your get the money you need, you went through alot :(

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theloonatic · 2 years ago

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please help me with anything you want to help me

💙

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