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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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aalghul · 9 months ago

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once again thinking about jason as duke’s robin. he’s ~4 years younger than jason, and that puts him at 8-12 during Jason’s time as robin. that’s prime time to get attached to your local kid vigilante before your own life goes downhill.

and if we try to keep duke’s meeting with bruce in zero year + duke’s age (so he can remember the meeting and hold that conversation with bruce), he has to be around 8. if he starts following batman through the news at that time because of the mess that just happened, the robin he sees is probably jason. I’ve literally connected the dots

#we are not of course keeping zero year itself. what a mess.#maybe smth very similar so it’s still the riddler causing mass chaos!#the titans so we actually keep the no robin physically present in the story part the same #look. if we want zero year convo we need to give bruce a robin at the time. it could be 17-18yr old who’s not even in gotham bc he’s with #by time tim shows up he’s already attached to jason #and then steph’s robin suddenly for a bit but only for a bit. and then tim comes back but he’s in bludhaven for a while #i do think duke would think steph is really cool tho. and they reasonably couldve met as civilians #and then duke’s busy bouncing around foster homes the streets and looking for his parents #i wanted to talk about how much i love it and the tags are just be working out a timeline for post crisis events & post flashpoint ones (an #some of duke’s important events are related to things which are no longer canon. such is life. let’s do our best based on ages)#duke thomas #jason todd

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sysig · 1 year ago

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Permission to headbutt: Granted (Patreon)

#My art #UT #Sans #Papyrus #Ft. something smol and I do on a regular basis ♪#This could be Handplates or it could be classic Undertale I leave that up to you lol #I definitely picked up a lot of the style quirks lol - but there are some of the ones that I like myself! Like Papyrus' darkmode clothes lol #And Sans' shorts having the stripe in the front haha - little details ♫#Realistically it probably is Handplates tho just based on where my head's at lol - I love the Handplates dynamic :D #Handplates #I talked myself into it! Pfft ♪#I found myself relating a lot to Sans especially while rereading - I want nothing more in the world than for my siblings to be happy! <3 #So I gathered up a bunch of ideas of things especially me and smol do together and this was the most obviously cute one haha #Easiest to do! Tho I did still go a little extra on this lol #I'm trying to do more digital stuff ♪ It wasn't the best art day and I'm still a little nervous to jump right in :')#Not doing any sketches on paper beforehand feels weird but I guess it is thematic in a way lol #And I'm still pleased with how they turned out hehe #It really does feel nice to be drawing them again <3 #And doing silly sibling things! Hehe #I dunno how clear it is since it's so ingrained into how smol and I talk to each other lol family language!#One of us will literally just announce ''bonk'' and the other will prepare for/lean in for a headbutt haha #She is a tiny bit taller than me - it's not quite /this/ extreme but she does lean down for me! S'cute <3 #I like to think Papyrus would do the same hehe ♪ Let your lazy brother headbutt you! He can only reach so far!#On minimal effort anyhow hehe #It's just a fun way to be silly together ♫♪#Also yes I did show this to her and she cosigned lol - ''Cute'' -smol

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frodo-a-gogo · 10 months ago

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Let us be brutally honest with ourselves and with eachother for a moment. If he weren't obese you motherfuckers would be capable of percieving evrart claires sexy sexy moral ambiguity and complex charms

#i am (lesbian) sipping him like a fine DESSERT WINE #my evidence by the way is very simple and very damning. joyce messier. there i said it.#if you guys can appreciate the fact that Joyce is a complex figure worthy of disgust yes but also worthy of empathy #despite being a venal coward facilitating acts of violence and slaughter of the organized working poor of martinaise in the name of capital #if you can understand that she is a dimensional figure while also being an embodiment of the moral apathy and cruelty if capital owners #but you cant look at evrart and see that he is (while deeply flawed and morally suspect) also a dimensional figure #on top of the fact that his motivations are eminently relatable and dare i say it baser #and his greatest failing imho is in failing to advocate for the interests of *all* the poor of martinaise #opting instead to marginalize the inhabitants of the fishing village in favor of a power grab in the interests of himself and his union #though this is imo a bit of a grey area morally. undeniably a wrong and bad thing to do but done in service of clairs political goals #to gather power to advocate for the working class against ultraliberal monoliths like wild pines and fascistic orgs like krenel #still super wrong but i can follow the moral arithmetic there tho i don't like it #but like my point is if u can see that joyce is evil and pathetic but still cool and sexy but you consider clair flatly distasteful #thats cus hes not conventionally attractive #cus he is *every bit* as dimensional and interesting as joyce and he is not nearly as politically shite even if hes interpersonally a jerk

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punkaches · 1 month ago

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And when you kiss me I am happy enough to die.

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vypridae · 1 month ago

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"he's going to watch something dumb, xanzen do you want some content??" "SOMEBODY SEDATE ME!!!!!"

#me when i genuinely hesitate to hit the post button. hello. what. this is my blog i will post gay minecraft robots if i WANT TO #anyway these designs lowkey do kinda fuck tho #i might steal the shawl moon wears and the tie sun wears for like... if they had separate bodies au ........ mmh.#anyway me when i swore off not watching anything tsams related but masm has gay robots so i cant just NOT watch it #also it tickles my cringey 12 year old mind's funnybone so #also i have consistently come across content of this show and have been like yeah maybe ill watch it if they ever make the robots actually-#-gay. guess what theyre doing EBHAAHHASDFGH #kept finding like. animations or silly designs for them on here n theres a certain point i just sort of completely cave #i still absolutely refuse to watch tsams tho BHAHASHGFDA like thats never happening. but this one has gay robots so i cant not watch it...#xandraws #fnaf #fnaf sb #security breach #fnaf security breach #masm #moon and sun minecraft #masm sun #masm moon #sun masm #moon masm #fnaf sun #sun fnaf #fnaf moon #moon fnaf #masm sun x moon #sun x moon #moon x sun #sundrop x moondrop

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buttercupshands · 3 months ago

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So.

Act 5, huh?

Oh, and that.

"You can start breakdown now."

Finished the game couple of days ago and had some thoughts I needed to process a little. Like. Yes.

So anyway I actually didn't plan this and just wanted to redraw some sprites to just make sure I understand how to draw Siffrin correctly (still working on that!)

What did I learn from this? How fun it it to draw on a canvas that literally doesn't let you draw with colors without some layer cheating when necessary. Never tried it.

The beans. Sleeping beans.

Basically what happens when you want to sleep AND draw. Draw characters sleeping on your behalf.

Doesn't help, but at least it's cute.

I have no idea what was going on in my mind as I drew this. Feels like a fever dream of 'I want to sleep' at 4 am and 'Hm...' of thinking random things

Also that phone craft sign. Still too funny to imagine. I had to.

#fanart #sketch #my art #isat spoilers #isat #siffrin #siffrin isat #isat loop #in stars and time #I also tried to draw the Party too! But that one sketch is too rough yet!#And I'll probably never post it it was fun to draw them tho #Anyway I had /thoughts/ playing Act 5 #Not great ones too! I would rather they stayed where I would never even know they exist #But I had to while playing so I did #So it took some time to just sit with everything also I spend a lot of time just doing achievements #One left! The annoying one.#NG+ is fun too #I'm still surprised by how much I enjoyed it #Like 'staying until 6 am playing 10 hours straight' kind of enjoyed #From 'hm I wonder what's it about' to 'yeah I cried multiple times so I think it's allowed to live in my head too'#I got sick multiple times on related and unrelated reasons while playing and planning to play that wasn't fun #Anyway it's cool have some sketches because I couldn't stop drawing last night #I love drawing characters being emotionally in pain but that requires specific mood and music to go with #And not overdoing it #Like when drawing first one 'Aishite' was on loop the whole time #It's b&w too! Red layers are added with 'paste' magic love that

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candyje11yfish · 3 months ago

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random character design 🦴

#mari's art #name suggestions welcome #i was thinking “Ulia” (like ulna) or something rib related #i think she looks pretty fire #btw not gonna have new art for a while bcoz i have a lot of zine stuff & dtiys prizes i still have to finish #hopefully u'll get small doodles like this tho!#im very oc brained rn #my ocs #original character #edit: made it less blue

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fuumiku · 1 year ago

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ACNH AU but it’s just Chil as Tom Nook giving out lax loans to people in need with his half-foot guild, and his close friend Isabelle Marcille helping out and hanging around. Been playing ACNH and came to the realization that Tom Nook & Isabelle give Chil & Marcille energy, and immediately had to draw it…

Man wanted to retire early but still hasn’t stopped. What I want for post-canon Chilchuck is just for him to have Tom Nook energy fr fr

#Dungeon meshi #acnh au #chilchuck tims #marcille donato #meijack #Flertom #Puckpatti #Chilchuck’s family #Marchil #To me they’re the Everything Everywhere All at Once thing where doing taxes together is the most romantic thing #At first I wasn’t gonna put Marcille in a pencil skirt but. She’s rocking it #Also was gonna give Mei tims shoes but forgot. She still got her knee-high shoes swag tho #The thing is Marcille DOES have dog energy it’s just that unlike Laios she’s like… A pomeranian or smth #Chil got divorced bc there were never non work-related vacations. Get that island cash my guy #I had fun putting details on the board #Saw a localization of Laios as Laois the other day and I have taken psychic damage #Listen I’m sure canon Chil has a very neat handwriting. Sorry for the character assassination #But also??? Illiterate rates have gotta be high for the Dungeon Meshi world right. I ponder it a lot #I am sorry that I accidentally made Chil look like Christopher Robin in that last one… I apologize

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butchtaurus · 2 months ago

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this is so fucking for real

#polin #penelope featherington #video #b post #colin still so oblivious cause my man LOOK at ur girl she wants to eat you up bro 🥵😩#hes relatable tho 🥲

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xboxfox · 9 months ago

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chell pony

#learning to draw for myself again or whatever #portal 2 #portal #chell #mlp;fim #mlp #my little pony #her cutiemark is a halo becuzs angel of aperture or whatever. i didnt want it to be something robot or science related bc she existed-#outside of aperture at Some Point so it didnt make that much sense and felt reductive yk #even tho the halo is still related it can be separate . perhaps she is just a good person

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tokutaiseichan · 4 months ago

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Holy shit. Someone on the JP tkdb fandom pointed out that the stigma names are the anagram of demons that appeared in Ars Goetia.

Binaerus = Naberius (Jin)

Yagsal Olbalsa = Glasya-Labolas (Alan)

Here's the other ones I found:

Spurno = Purson (Sho)

Malab = Balam (Taiga)

Argeas = Agares (Tohma)

Ramsochisa = Marchosias (Lyca)

Haxs = Shax (Leo)

Acimo = Camio (Ritsu)

Raothtas = Astaroth (Ren)

Tiris = Sitri (Romeo)

Talnandio = Dantalion (Subaru)

Iggnaim = Gamigin (Lucas)

Agnihaet = Haagenti (Yuri)

Bahnti = Bathin (Haru)

#tokyo debunker #tkdb info #tkdb trivia #those are not just ordinary demons damn #i mean like of course they gotta be related to solomon bc that's kinda how they try to frame mc with the whole ring thing but still lol #apologies if anyone have pointed this out tho #i'm always a very late guy #someone should do an analysis of these ghouls and the demons they made pact with

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derangedthoughtssideblog · 2 months ago

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thought about enjolras for 2 minutes. now i'm deeply unwell

#les mis is the longest book ive ever read #full of useless details #i hate marius with passion #the ending is the worst thing ive ever read #still 5 stars tho #les miserables #les mis #victor hugo #enjolras #grantaire #enjoltaire #enjolras and grantaire #books #text post #thoughts #relatable

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carlarte · 1 year ago

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Oh, Hazel, look! The field! It’s covered with blood!’

Fiver is my favorite character in Watership Down, he's just like me fr. I was afraid this wouldn't read especifically as Fiver, but alas... i liked my initial sketch a lot so i kept it as it was.

#my art #digital art #artists on tumblr #watership down #so just to make this absolutely clear.. this is fiver XD not an attempt of a book cover #even tho it looks so much like many watership down covers tbh #i didnt even realize until i was actually googling images for reference that i found a lot of wd covers have a rabbits profile and the fiel #what a bummer #but i still like this a lot #everyone and their moms thought about the same thing i guess #me included #anyway FIVER MY BOY #I LOVE HIM HES JUST LIKE ME #IDK WHY EXACTLY BUT I RELATE TO HIM SO MUCH #its like 'yeah i also have visions of chaos and death and despair its called having anxiety and depression'#ok no forget that

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everwistfully · 6 months ago

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I started watching My Adventures with Superman and I got my little siblings into it. We’ve made a whole routine of getting together and watching the newest episode together (I’m out of the house and in college while everyone else is between middle/high school) but anyways! After the latest episode we were all talking about what we know about the dc universe and stuff (they have no idea how deep I am) and I started talking about the batfam.

They asked and this led to me being able to give the entire story of the Robins.

I got to sit there and give the entire chronological history of each robin and how they came into Batman’s life and whatnot for an entire HOUR! It was amazing! But not even CLOSE to as amazing as watching my little sister react to all the plot twists!

The loudest gasp and most bamboozled look that crossed her face when I told her that the crime lord Red Hood was Jason Todd! (Keep in mind she’s literally 14,) she was so invested! And it was the best time of my life!

She asked me to ‘hold on’ 7 times, ‘go back’ 3 times, and gasped a total of 4 times in this entire retelling. Given, we were all told to ‘lock in’ 3 times so it was quite the ride.

I don’t know what I would give to be able to experience the drama of the batfamily for the first time again…but it was something else to be able to watch firsthand what it was like.

:)

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torantuga · 1 year ago

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UHHH i was very sick yesterday n couldnt draw shit for christmas so yeah... have a shitpost alenoah gaydads au!!

#total drama #my art #td mk #td noah #td alejandro #total drama alejandro #total drama mk #total drama noah #td alenoah #alenoah #tdi 2023 #i'll try to do smth christmas related today or tmorrow tho!!#this was an excuse to draw alejandro n figure out how to draw him tbh (iii... still havent figured him out #alenoah gay dads au

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