#still i find it interesting so i wanted to share...

[truelovepolinator]

State of the Ship Address: Where we stand after the Hard Launch

Well, this has certainly been an interesting week, hasn’t it?

Last Saturday, I was the happiest of shippers, sharing why I’m so sure it’s Luke. By Wednesday, I was sharing my thoughts on why Nicola’s “just a friend” comment was nothing to worry about. Yes, truly, Nicola’s comment was a hit to the ship. A very palpable hit. Yet, we sailed on. Then on Thursday, well, the ship very nearly sunk with Luke’s Hugo Boss “hard launch” of Antonia. Nearly.

There’s one thing I’ll say I know for sure. Nicola knew she was getting that question about fans wanting her to marry Luke and she had her answer prepared. I have no doubt about that. In all likelihood, her people asked him to ask that question. Otherwise, it’s out of the box for that kind of industry/awards promotion interview. It’s not an interview for the fans, it’s for the voters. She WANTED to dispel the idea that she and Luke might have fallen in love on set because that perception would hurt her chances at the SAG Awards.

There’s no question that Nic and Luke decided together that the time had come to send an armed nuclear torpedo into the ship for once and for all. And so, they did. Indeed, it’s only thanks to our wits, grit, and some very skillful maneuvering that we managed to keep the ship from sinking to the bottom of the ocean. We may be taking on water, but we’re bailing it faster, and we’re still afloat, if only just.

This does not, however, mean that I’m ignoring what they’ve said this week. On the contrary, I’m paying very, very close attention. I’m paying attention not only to their words (or in Luke’s case, the story he’s telling with that hard launch), but also to the subtext, the backstory, the character histories, and the outtakes. I’m paying close attention both to what they’ve told us and to what they haven’t.

I’m thinking about every bit of it. I am, by nature, very analytical. In the Lukola intelligence community, I’d say I’m more of an analyst than a detective. I don’t go out there gathering information (tracking every tag, monitoring friends, family, adjacents, finding old, hidden content, etc.). I don’t even know how to get metadata from Instagram. I’d be grateful if someone could tell me.

But when the detectives bring me evidence, I analyze the hell out of it. There are great detectives out there, but that’s not my skillset. I’m great at sitting at my desk and studying the evidence presented to identify patterns, interpret clues, and assemble those clues into a watertight case.

I thought that’s what I had, a watertight case. And you need your case to be watertight when you’re sailing these rough seas, right?

Then this week, Nicola and Luke decided to tell me my case had fallen apart, and to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel. I’m not as devastated as I thought I might be. I think that’s because I’m still not sure I believe them. They’ve both told us the same thing this week, that they are absolutely, positively not together. They’ve told us in no uncertain terms. And I always thought I would believe them if that time came. And yet, there’s something just a little too suspicious and convenient about the timing for me to trust it entirely. It doesn’t quite pass the smell test.

To be clear, I’m not saying I definitely don’t believe them. I think it’s very possible they’ve told us the truth this week and we simply have to live with it. We have to shift our ship back to “endgame” mode, and out of “happening now” mode.

In some ways, this would be a relief. If I actually accepted that they are not together at all at this point, I could begin to let them go. If I don’t see their launch coming, why hang around? The wait for endgame could be eons. I love them together, but I could do a hell of a lot of other things with my time in the meantime. Why do I need to follow and discuss their every move if it’s not headed to the only result I care about? I could check out completely and let them do their thing.

I’ll watch Bridgerton, and their other work when it looks interesting, and otherwise peace out. I don’t have to be “a fan” to enjoy their work. I have loads of favorite actors whose work I love, and I follow very few of them on socials. I could simply shift NicLuke into that category and move on.

I don’t actually have to care so much about them. All this parasocial bs takes a lot of time and energy, and while that investment of time and energy is good for them because we keep them in the public discourse, it’s not necessarily the highest, best use of our time for ourselves, is it? I could just let it go. We could all just let it go. Wouldn’t that be a relief?

The problem is that I do care about them. They got us hooked during that World Tour and now we’re invested. I’m invested. I’ve put a lot into them and I’d like a return on my investment, thanks. I want to see them happy. Together. I want to see them happy together. Many of us do. So, what if we don’t get that?

Well, I’ll come back to that question. But right now, I’m more interested in the question of WHY. Why did they decide now was the time to torpedo the ship? After all these months of weird, yet skillful combination of utter silence and semi-explicit hints and breadcrumbs. Why now, after a year of active shipping, seven full months after the WT ended, long after Bridgerton 3-month ratings were locked, why spontaneously this week? And why did they do it in such a coordinated way? The SAG nomination, yes, but is there more to it?

I have more theories and variations on theories than I can count. But here are the four key interpretations I want to explore.

It’s exactly what I said this week with Nicola’s interview and my quick post on Thursday. They are still together, with major life changes ahead, and Nicola is up for a SAG. They need more privacy than ever AND Nicola needs to distance herself from the “they fell in love on-set” narrative so that she can be taken seriously as the terrific actor she is, who acted her ass off in Season 3. She doesn’t want to be seen as someone who was only that good because she was “really falling in love.”

They’re genuinely not together, Luke is actually with Antonia (whether on-and-off or all along) and they decided to shut down the shipping now purely because it was impacting Nic’s SAG nomination (see 1 for details). Or maybe L also decided it was time to launch to take the invasive scrutiny off his family.

They’re not together, L is with A, and Nic knew he was going to take her to the HB event, so she prepared fans and pre-empted any “poor, rejected Nicola” perception by saying what she did during her interview.

They were together, and now it’s over (not mutually exclusive with 2 or 3).

You’ll notice none of these theories turn on Nicola’s hypothetical romantic relationship with Jake. This is largely because I have always said that simply isn’t a romantic relationship. And regardless, it’s not relevant to this week’s developments as the state of her relationship with Jake is unchanged from the past few months. That’s not a new factor in this week’s decision.

Obviously, number 1 above is my preferred explanation. It still continues to be the only explanation that makes sense of absolutely everything we’ve seen. INCLUDING Nicola’s words in that interview, and even Luke taking A to that event if you follow the logic of protecting themselves at a critical time both personally and professionally. It’s easy to forget all the extensive evidence pointing to this, but a review of my recent posts will refresh you. There is much to this saga that literally only makes sense if Lukola is real and the other apparent relationships are PR fakery/fuckery to keep our eyes off the truth.

However, this week, they have actively told us that is not the case. So, we owe it to ourselves to be emotionally and intellectually honest and to be open to the other possibilities as well.

Okay, so let’s talk about options 2 and 3. Both posit that Luke and Antonia are really together. Or at least casually dating. It is certainly possible that Luke simply wanted or needed a date to this event and Antonia is a casual date. Certainly, their body language is not particularly close or affectionate in most of the photos or videos. And A clearly does not calm Luke’s anxiety and event nerves like Nic always could and did. And they didn’t seem to hold hands naturally, nor did their arms around each other seem particularly close or natural in most of the photos and videos we saw. And yet, they did walk and pose arm-in-arm as a couple. No arguments there.

It has been widely noted that the Daily Mail story featuring Luke attending this event with his “girlfriend Antonia” was published mere minutes after the first event photos were published. And the story talked way more about A and her vague resume/background than about Luke. For all the world, it sure looks like this appearance was designed to give Ant a PR boost with a story pre-planted and ready to roll. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t together.

There is one video recorded inside that shows them in a different light. They seem to be enjoying themselves together, laughing, smiling, and talking close. However, there was loud music, it seems, so all talking needed to be close. We saw this when Luke talked to David Beckham as well. David was leaning in and Luke was talking directly in his ear, so clearly, volume was an issue. But he did have his hand on her back and she even copped a feel of his celebrated lukey newts butt. Yes, that video looked very couply indeed. Again, no arguments.

Did I like it? Of course not. Obviously, I hated it. I loathed it even. Do I wish the whole evening would crawl away and sink itself into the bottom of the ocean in lieu of our very leaky ship? Yes. But that video still exists, as does the other photographic and videographic evidence.  So, it’s irrefutable, right?

Almost. There is one thing that rankles a bit in that video. And indeed, about all the Luke & A stuff that came out so quickly. Literally, it all dropped faster than even the Beckham stuff, and Beckham was the host of this event. Why did it all hit so fast? Okay, sure, we already established it was at least partly planned PR for A. But why was that video so exclusively focused on the two of them specifically? What was the videographer doing shooting them from behind, ostensibly “in secret and candid,” for so long? Why so much footage (edited from pieces, therefore taken over time) of the two of them specifically, including that saucy, little butt grab?

If indeed this evening were intended to launch A with the explicit intentions of 1) blowing up the ship and 2) promoting A as the official girlfriend, then it’s not hard to imagine Luke’s PR handler/escort for the evening whispering a little encouragement in his ear. Something like, “It’s not really playing yet, you need to give it more. You two need to get cozy, amp it up, and we’ll get it on video.” Of course, it’s also entirely possible that this “canoodling inside” video was always planned as the final blow to seal the deal after the red carpet content hit.

And, to be fair, it’s also possible that they simply relaxed once they got inside and started having fun. If theirs is a real relationship, whether long-term, serious or a casual dating one, then that would make sense. But why were they so tense on the red carpet to begin with if they’re so close? Why did they look so uncomfortable? Either way, it seems someone had a very clear intention to capture “proof” of the relationship.

Now let’s shift gears and talk about Nicola briefly. Let’s start with this. Nicola is a terrific, gifted, hard-working actor. She deserves all the accolades. She’s worked hard to achieve the success she’s now enjoying and she sure as hell deserves her SAG Award nomination for her beautiful, delicate performance that was by turns moving, heartbreaking, heartwarming, and hilarious. She’s the real deal. And she’s unbelievably, ridiculously beautiful. To my eyes, many times more beautiful and sexier than the other woman who appears in this saga, for what it’s worth. That’s perhaps beside the point, but I wanted to throw it in anyway because what can I say? I’m feeling a little petty and in the mood to spit truths.

She’s also a woman with a right to privacy. And a woman with a career to maintain and grow. And an award nominee who’s campaigning for a win, knowing even if she doesn’t win, the nomination will open doors for her as long as she is taken seriously. And maybe, just maybe, a woman with big life changes coming up fast. I fully support her in doing what she needs to take care of herself and those she loves. And knowing what I know, having seen what I’ve seen, believing what I believe about her, I still believe she would absolutely do what she needs to do in this critical moment.

So, I’m just going to be honest and say I simply don’t know what to think at this point. I still believe number 1 above makes the most sense, both logically and emotionally. But… but… sigh.

There’s also another very real possibility, which is that Lukola has indeed been just as real as we all believe – and now, sadly, it’s over. I actually believe this could be a very real possibility, though this possibility breaks my heart most of all. But I think it’s distinctly possible that they tried and it just didn’t work out for any of the millions of reasons couples don’t make it all the time. Plus, as I’ve written about before, all the reasons they have extra challenges because of their lives and jobs. So maybe the shipping was sweet to them while the relationship lasted, but is painful now that it’s over.

I wish this didn’t feel so valid as a possibility, but it does. And this, too, would make sense of just about everything, unlike the alternate versions where the adjacents (or at least one of them) have been real partners all along. But who knows? As ever, none of us (and none of the Jakolas) knows them, so none of us will ever know anything for sure. Unless they one day decide to come clean.

I’m a big fan of the show Castle. Castle and Beckett, or “Caskett,” is one of a small handful of fictional couples that I have shipped with devotion. I LOVED Caskett and could not wait until they finally got together. The delicious tension, the longing, the near misses, the banter, the micro expressions that broke your heart. They were perfect together. Unfortunately, in reality, they grew to hate each other by the end, but onscreen, they were fire. I will never not love Caskett.

Lukola is my one and only real-world ship, and I will never not love them. Unless they really blow it with too much BTS fuckery. I feel as if they are continually jerking me around and playing games, and I’ve been A-OK with that as long as I knew where it was headed. I was willing to ride the waves of the choppy seas because I knew where the ship was sailing and I loved the destination. I didn’t begrudge them hiding behind PR fakery (or fuckery) because I had faith it was in the best interest of their careers, privacy, and more recently (once I settled into my personal opinion regarding the delicate matter), their family.

That may yet be the case. And if it is, I am 100% there for it.

But if it’s not, if Antonia ends up being a real relationship, that’s going to be very, very hard for me to accept. I’ll do my best to stay the course for Luke as an actor, but the side I see of him as someone dating her is not the same good guy he sold us on the tour. Not the same sweet Colin-alike that the cast has told us he is. Not the same perfect man Nic has told us he is. Because the choice to be with her – based on what I know of her (as well as her youth) — reflects poorly on him, in my opinion. I’m not sure about his “treatment” of her because there’s so much we don’t see and a lot of assumptions are made on that front. But simply based on who she has shown herself to be through her posts and the jobs she’s taken, I can’t respect the choice. I would accept him with many people who aren’t Nicola, but not her.

And my feelings about Nicola would also be dented because she’s posted so many of the crumbs that have (intentionally) kept me hanging on. And if, by some strange twist, she is dating Jake, well… I have a higher opinion of Jake than Antonia. I have no real issue with Jake. From what little I’ve seen of him speaking, he seems like a good kid, earnest about his work, maybe even sweet. But like Antonia, he’s so young. Setting aside aside all the other reasons I don’t believe they’re dating, he’s still 13-14 years younger than her, and just starting out while she’s sailing the heights. I have to be honest and say that the age difference and the power differential do make me uncomfortable.

Her relationships are still not my business. Nor are Luke’s. But as a consumer of media, I do get to have feelings about the people I stan and where I choose to devote my energies. As I said, Lukola has been my one and only ship. I’ve loved them individually as well, but if I’ve been played for a prolonged time, if they’ve been stringing me along with a fake ship, how can that not sour me on them as individuals?

So, yes, if these particular, adjacent relationships are real, my respect for each of them will take a hit. But they can date other people. I’ll get over it. I’ll be disappointed. I’ll think they’ve missed out because they clearly have something truly unique and special, maybe more unique than either of them realizes yet. I still believe they’ve gotten together at some point, but if they’ve now moved on, I’ll sigh and move on as well. And hope that one day, they find their way back to each other where they belong. That’s what endgame means, after all.

However, I will say again that I am not yet entirely convinced that the adjacents are anything more than I’ve long thought they were, decoys and distractions. Or that these latest hits to the ship (the mom comment, Nicola’s interview, and the “hard launch”) are anything more than ramped up efforts to camouflage the truth at a crucial time.

But the one thing that is crystal clear is that they want us to back the fuck off. Whether it’s out of a time-sensitive need for greater professional separation for career reasons (awards consideration chief among them) and greater privacy for family reasons… or because it’s actually true that they are not together at this time… either way, they’ve clearly decided to shut down the shipping this past week.

And this brings me back to Castle. If you know Castle, then you know there was a long-running throughline story about who murdered Kate’s (aka Beckett’s) mother. For years, Kate was obsessed with finding who was responsible and what happened, and more than once, that fierce dedication led her to go too far on the job. She’d stay on cases when she had a clear conflict, she’d hide things from her superiors, she’d go rushing into danger in a ruthless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, this behavior eventually led to a suspension even though she was the best detective in the precinct. But instead of accepting the suspension, Kate tossed down her badge and quit, because OBVIOUSLY, she was going to go right on investigating privately.

So, am I going to pull a Kate Beckett and charge forward, despite every warning, to investigate every lead until I get the truth? No matter what it costs to me or those I love (namely, Lukola)? Or will I sadly accept my suspension, hang my head, and take some time at home to catch up on my Netflix until the clock runs out? Hmm… Maybe, a little of both?

Here’s what I’m going to do. Keep watching. Keep collecting information, analyzing, and seeing how I think the picture most clearly takes shape. And I will keep sharing my thoughts with all of you.

But since they want us to back off, I will slow roll those observations. For my part (NPC that I am), I will politely take a step back and give them the time that I believe they need for certain very specific reasons. If they need folks like me to back off, then I will. At least for now. And I’ll see what the next couple of months bring.

At some point down the line, depending on how things shake out, I may feel comfortable going full force again with my thoughts and opinions. But right now, it’s my belief that there are things important enough that I’m willing to take a step back to support them, because my intention has only ever been to share my thoughts and bolster the spirits of my fellow shippers. Never to harm Lukola.

In the meantime, I won’t disappear entirely. I may blog a little less, and maybe shift a bit to lovely Polin. Or maybe I’ll end up blogging more with short, fun stuff in lieu of the analysis. Who knows? Got to keep busy somehow, at least unless or until I decide to step off the ship entirely.

Actually, now that I think about it, it may be time to rewatch Castle. At least I know Caskett will never let me down.

[moanz111]

i stumbled upon this while scrolling and it's such a well-written post that i just had to share my thought on this too!

first of all, i've been a fanfic reader since i was very young so i know what it feels like to be on the other side. i've been anxious and nervous to reblog or write comments and have never even thought of messaging the authors i read and liked just because i was terrified of being perceived. but trust me, writers are so incredibly grateful for every little interaction they get. i know it can be nerve wracking but you will never be judged for what you have to say! every single piece of feedback and opinion i get means the whole world to me and every time i get a comment, a reblog or an ask makes me so happy, it seriously makes my whole day.

i've been on the writer side since summer 2023 and a couple of months ago i came back after an extremely long hiatus and was so scared and worried because almost a year had passed since i had last promised updates yet i had failed to come back due to many reasons. but then i saw that people still cared and even though i lost most of my readers from back when i first started writing, i was so happy to see that new people were getting interested and were actually willing to talk to me and share their feedbacks. so thank you, to those who have been doing that <3

i don't judge people who decide to stay silent but trust me, there's nothing to fear! writers don't bite, we're human too so of course, naturally we thrive off interactions too, just like anyone else. there isn't a barrier between the two groups - all of us are fans of the same things and share the same interests, this is always a two way relationship.

writing is my hobby and something i like doing but sometimes the silence is killing me especially after coming back from a hiatus 😭 i don't write for notes, i do it for my own enjoyment but still, hearing something nice about your works always feels good and validating!

and about the genres - i see too what's more read and what's popular but it's so sad to hear that authors force themselves to write something that they don't originally really want to just to have someone read their stories. every story is worth giving a chance and authors shouldn't be required to fit themselves into certain boxes just so people pay attention. no one can be forced to read anything of course but my whole point is to be kind to authors and give them a chance because sometimes you can find such gems when you least expect it.

of course, there will always be genres that are more generally liked but we need diversity too so please, writers do what you want and what you love - the right people will appreciate it.

and on that note...i've been mostly writing smaus/texts so i feel like like sometimes it's even harder to get feedback and i think these are not as read as before but i still think it's worth keeping even this genre alive just because it's so fun (at least to me).

i just hope our community here stays alive for longer and starts thriving because it's so sad to see so many people leave :(

just be brave, interact and encourage others to do so too! support your favourite writers because they all are amazing and deserve all the love in this world!

to a dying? atinyblr

i don't usually speak about these things, but a lot of blogs (amazing writers) are leaving this platform or taking time off bc of lack of engagement which serves as a big demotivating factor. especially and specifically in this atiny fandom, some things have come to my attention and i just want all readers and writers to take a look at this post and refresh some reading and writing etiquettes, as well as revive the essence of being a part of this fandom.

feedback:

i understand that there are a lot of silent readers on here, but since tumblr is dying and our fandom is not very huge, the least you can do to show the writers some support is like the post. 

which brings me to the point that the like function didn't even exist in the past. this site still runs on reblogs. as readers, to show your favourite writers some semblance of support, you should be reblogging with tags. a simple ‘#ateez x reader’ or ‘#ateez fics’ is enough. it's literally not asking for much– reblogs are the only way writers can get reach.

if you cannot do that bc of your blog's aesthetic or whatever, side blogs exist. if you still cannot do that, a simple anon ask appreciating the writer sometimes saves them.

also, what has happened to the quality of reblogs? readers consume years of writers’ work and efforts in mere hours and don’t even leave any feedback? art in general in all forms is very underappreciated and with all sorts of problems like plagiarism, ai writing and everything, true art and writing is dying and needs to be appreciated now more than ever. we’re literally the last generation witnessing ai take over in all fields of arts. appreciate content creators before it’s too late, don’t be a content glutton!

updates and requests:

asking writers for updates when they specifically mention that they would prefer posting at their pace is wrong for so many reasons– we all have a real life. you, the reader, do too. just like you don't always have time to read, writers don't always have time to write. do you ever see the writers asking their readers 'why have you not read my latest chapter?' 

most of the times, writers mention in their bio/faq post or elsewhere that they do mind being asked about updates. respect your writers, please, and do a little scroll before you send such demanding asks (also, sugarcoating when asking for updates does not make it any better!)

if you are only asking about updates, it demotivates a lot of writers bc these same people will disappear when it is time for feedback. writing is a form of art. we can write, artists can paint, musicians can compose music, but all of it has no meaning unless it is shared with an audience and appreciated. readers are just as important as the writers but there is no way of knowing fics are valued unless feedback is given.

the same goes for requests. you can only send a request when the requests are open, which is usually mentioned in the writer’s bio/faq post. it’s literally not that hard to check if requests are open and it’s basic decency to not send a request when the writers specifically mention that requests are closed. when sending a request, please be courteous. a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ are examples of being courteous when sending requests.

the fanfics in atinyblr:

i understand that you can read whatever you like, but why is it that in the atiny fandom, fics that do not contain smut hardly ever get attention? as a writer, i enjoy writing and reading smut, and while i am not specifically a smut blog, i have noticed how fics containing smut get far more reach than fics that do not contain smut– not just in my case, but other amazing writers as well. 

there are such amazing fictions in this fandom. all fics are crafted with dedication and care, yet stories without smut often get sidelined. writers are not able to express themselves in their writing freely anymore and they simply conform to a genre they know readers will consume, as they are forced to consider adding smut to their stories so they can get more reach in this fandom. i have heard accounts from a lot of writers who were inclined to add smut to an otherwise smut-free fic just for reach.

this is by no means hate to the smut writers. i am also not placing blame on them. smut drabbles have always been in this fandom, and there are amazing smut writers out there, doing their thing. it is the readers here who are failing the writers. readers are quick to talk about the lack of ‘good fics’ or ‘plot’ yet will not even bother searching for these works. there used to be a good balance and appreciation for all genres alike.

i know that smut is what's hot and trendy these days, and drabbles in general, no matter the genre, are easier to read when you want to take a short break. but there is such a lack of longfics in this fandom, especially as of lately, and as someone who has personally witnessed the ratio of longfics decrease exponentially, i felt the need to point this out. appreciate all writers! appreciate all genres! longfic writers need as much validation and encouragement as drabble writers, and vice versa! don't be too harsh on longfic writers for not pumping out fics at the same speed as shortfic writers.

and on that note, smut drabble writers experience a lack of quality feedback despite the high engagement, so readers, please don't hesitate to point out exactly what you liked about a fic, even if it's a short drabble! be kind to those writers, give them time to write and be kind when sending requests! they may post more often but they, too, have a life.

tags:

this is specifically for the people who will post a very normal picture of a member, no caption, but tag it something like #ateez smut, #ateez hard hours, #ateez x reader. and for the people who tag their asks with irrelevant tags– literally learn to tag your post properly, and stop crowding the wrong tags. you're just proving the point that if you don't tag a post with the smut tag or something similar, it won't get reach. if you've posted with a caption, that makes sense (though it still doesn't warrant some of the tags being used there).

as for writers, also learn to use your tags appropriately. fics that do not contain smut should not be tagged with smut related tags. believe in yourself. i get that there is the problem of reach but do not overcrowd tags with irrelevant material.

disclaimer:

this is by no means about me. if i cared about the notes, or lack thereof, i would have stopped writing a while ago. while it is challenging to be a writer here, especially as of lately, i still enjoy posting whatever i write no matter the genre or the word count. but it's a bit disappointing that my planned out fics get much less attention than a simple smut headcanons post that i wrote in the heat of the moment with my friend in literally a few hours as a joke (which has reached almost 10k notes btw in a span of 2 years). sure, it has exposed my blog to new readers but that's about it.

this post is for all the amazing writers who have left, are thinking of leaving, or are struggling to voice these problems because they are afraid of being marked as 'problematic' or a 'hater' or something worse. i am not afraid to voice my opinion on here, and if you think that i am wrong, feel free to interact with this post and correct me because i am not claiming that i am right about this.

these are just the observations i have made as someone who has been actively writing on this platform for about 4 years now, and since i have a decent number of followers, i hope this post gets more reach. do not be afraid to reblog this if you agree, and even if you do not, reblog this so someone else gets educated. i may have missed some points so feel free to add if you want too.

[rubiehart]

A WEEK IN PREGNANT!READER’S OUTFITS…

this is heavily inspired by @princessbrunette’s original idea all creds to her!!

MONDAY

not a best start to the week - she gets dragged on a pogue mission by john b, too tired to even dress herself as she lays limp in bed, refusing, as jj tries to pull shrug her boots on her non complying form, mumbling an equally tired, ‘i know baby, ‘m sorry, but when duty calls.’ . he ends up carrying her to the twinkie - bridal style, whilst he whines sleepily into his chest, sleep mask covering one eye and hair still a little messy from her disturbed morning with her husband when she shoots john b a lethal look that has him rethinking if the lead really was worth it. she spends the whole 2 hour drive to the other side of the island curled up in the back of the twinkie in jj’s lap, sleeping.

TUESDAY

boat day to debrief the previous day’s discoveries, which of course she takes absolutely no interest in, stretched out on the bow with a fluffy towel provided by jj, lathered in sunscreen half-an-hourly by jj and hand fed sips of water, or lemonade, or fruit whenever she wants, because he still partly feels bad for yesterday, and she’s his pregnant baby mama, course he’ll do anything she asks. the whole scene is like a fuckin’ dream for him because she’s sat up in the sun, plump lips wrapping around the ice cold fruit from the cooler, sweet juice dribbling down her chin and between her tits, plumper from pregnancy, the sight is mouthwatering and john b has to keep smacking up the back of the head to keep focus.

WEDNESDAY

baby scan day - she’s a little anxious naturally, gripping jj’s hands in the waiting room so hard his rings leave indents on her soft palms. once they’re called back she’s still gripping his hands, and jj can’t stop grinning like an idiot at the ultrasound of their baby - who they find out is a sweet baby girl, and yes, he does cry when he finds out, because he knows she’ll be the best mama to their little princess - who he’s sure will be the image of her.

THURSDAY

john and sarah have errands to run on the mainland - so of course her and jj are on babysitting duty for their three year old daughter, they think of it as practice now they know they’re too having a baby girl, she puts the sweet girls in pigtails and jj carries her on his shoulders all day, his heart growing a little fonder at the sight of you playing in the sea with her, or sharing your ice cream cone.

FRIDAY

shopping day!! - jj got payed yesterday and he decides it’s been a while since he’s spoiled his girl, so he lets her drag him around the mall all day, buying anything she sees fit for their new baby girl who’s soon to be born - cute little sun hats, or anklets with ‘m’ for maybank on a little dangly charm. even splurges on a new lingerie set that absolutely breaks his bank - but he’s unbothered because the sweet pout on her lips when she’s under him later that night makes it all worth it.

SATURDAY

date night!! she’s a little sore and miserable so he takes her out to a little spot on the edge of the marsh, follows a crappy tutorial on how to make a bouquet and comes out with a sweet attempt, it’s not perfect but it’s the thought that counts and she still almost cries!! he also whips out two greasy burgers from the lace lined picnic basket he’d borrowed and she almost cries again because she’d been craving one all week. he might not to be a romantic but he sure knows how to make his baby smile, and of course he fucks her sweet and soft on the picnic blanket after her belly’s full.

SUNDAY

a lazy sunday in the maybank house - they wake up late and she rides him soft and slow, backlight by the morning sun and he swears he’s in heaven. once they decide to get up, she’s forcing him to make cookies but he can’t keep his hands off of her because he can’t ignore the sight of her peaked nipples under the thin fabric of her tank, or the outline of her chubby pussy, highlighted by the evident wet spot which gets her fucked slow and sappy against the kitchen counter. after the kitchen counter’s covered in flour and the cookies are cooling, he smuggles her back into bed and eats her out nice and slow, rubbing her vibrator in gentle circles against her throbbing button, grinning against the chub of her thigh each time she mewls out his name. it was a good week.

[lu-is-not-ok]

Of all the Hong Lu stuffs from the newest event, one thing that stuck with me was how... interested? He was with Dante's answer regarding what they thought of the Sinners. He was in a test chamber and still pressed himself against the glass and took on the translator role even though Faust was seemingly right there? What's his game here.

It definitely is interesting! For one it continues to show just how perceptive Hong Lu is and how he's very much trying his hardest to be aware of everything happening around him - he was listening to Hohenheim intently enough to hear him ask that question and approach closer when he heard something that particularly interested him.

I think it's also interesting in that we know that Hong Lu himself describes his fellow Sinners as "Friends", as we've seen in Canto 7. Perhaps a part of it was him being interested by whether or not Dante shared his own opinion? Or maybe even further curious as to why Hohenheim asked in the first place?

There is also that huge elephant in the room that is Hohenheim's followup, describing the Sinners as Prisoners who have no access to the right to say no. And the reason I bring that up here is because one of the options Hohenheim gives Dante to describe the Sinners as is Family, something he implies the Sinners aren't because of the above followup.

However... From what little we know of Hong Lu's Family? That too was like a Prison. What little hints we get show that Hong Lu likewise had no right to say no against his Elders. This is a part of why I find the fact Hohenheim brings this fact up in the same cutscene as Hong Lu admitting to repressing his own anger so fascinating.

Because we know what Hong Lu's own answer would be based on things he said in Canto 7. And unlike some, like Heathcliff or Donqui, he doesn't consider the Sinners his Family. He considers them Friends. Likely because to him the idea of Family carries the exact same connotations as the idea of being Prisoners. Perhaps that's also part of why he was so interested in Dante's answer - he wanted to know if they might agree with him on that idea.

[t00tsmcgee]

Rook as a companion banter episode six: Emmrich

Banter written with my Rook in mind. Read more about him here.

Part 1 (Neve) | Part 2 (Bellara) | Part 3 (Davrin) | Part 4 (Harding) | Part 5 (Taash) | Part 6 (Emmrich) | Part 7 (Lucanis) |

-

Emmrich: “So, Calais is it?” Calais: “You can call me Cal if you want, professor.” Emmrich: “Then I must insist you call me Emmrich.” Calais: “That will be strange, after having attended so many of your lectures.” Emmrich: “We are peers now, Cal.” Calais: “I suppose we are, Emmrich.”

Emmrich: “So Vorgoth raised you?” Calais: “Yes, I call him dad and everything.” Emmrich: “Strange to think of Vorgoth in that capacity.” Calais: “He’s a good father. Never pushed me too hard, let me make my own mistakes but was always there when I needed him. I owe him a great deal.” Emmrich: “I’m sure he’s very proud of you. He has every reason to be."

Emmrich: “So help me picture Vorgoth as a father of a very young Calais.” Calais: “He loves to talk about the time I was learning how to walk and waddled off into the forbidden section of the Necropolis library. He didn’t think I’d learn to walk so fast and so well. But I had help from a spirit.” Emmrich: “A spirit?” Calais: “Yes, a spirit of curiosity. She appeared to me as an old lady when I was little. She helped me walk by holding my hands and keeping me upright. I called her Nana.” Emmrich: “That’s incredible.” Calais: “Vorgoth didn’t like her much.”

Emmrich: “Why did Vorgoth not like that spirit? Nana, you called her?” Calais: *chuckling* “She was mischievous. That time I waddled off I was lost in the forbidden section for an hour before Vorgoth found me. I was only wee, so eventually my crying alerted him to my location.” Emmrich: “I do envy you, you know. Being able to talk to spirits like that.” Calais: “It has it’s perks. And its downfalls. But Nana always made me laugh.” Emmrich: “What happened to her?” Calais: “Nothing, she still roams the Necropolis. But she doesn’t visit me as much any more. She responds more to younger people, likes to guide them. But we do talk, occasionally. She tells me to mind my posture and eat more fruit.”

Emmrich: “Tell me another story of when you got into trouble with Nana.” Calais: “One time she helped me steal the cookie jar from the ration chamber. She distracted the watcher, and I snuck in to get it.” Emmrich: “Did Vorgoth find out?” Calais: “What do you take me for? Of course not. Myrna did though.” Emmrich: “What did she do?” Calais: “I bribed her with half the cookies. Vorgoth will never know.”

Calais: “This place (the lighthouse) is amazing. It’s so well crafted, so intricately woven into the fade.” Emmrich: “Isn’t it? The resonator in the main hall holds it all together so expertly.” Calais: “And it’s so in tune with it’s inhabitants. I discovered a whole section of books I’ve always wanted to read the other day, books that I’d never be able to get otherwise.” Emmrich: “Oh, which books are those?” Calais: “Captivating Hearts, Exquisite Encounters, Conflicted Yearning..” Emmrich: “I’ve.. never heard of those. Dare I ask what subject they cover?” Calais: “Stormy romances between beautiful people.” Emmrich: “I see.” Lucanis: “I would like to borrow them, when you are done with them, of course.”

Emmrich: “You’re a fan of romance literature then?” Calais: “I think tacking the descriptor of ‘literature’ on these books is perhaps a tad generous.” Emmrich: “I’m surprised you’re not a bit more interested in the more scientific books, given our shared profession.” Calais: “I read anatomy books all the time.” Emmrich: “Oh, pardon me. I never saw any in your bookcase.” Calais: “They’re all open on the coffee table so I can use them as reference for my paintings.” Emmrich: *fondly* “Of course.”

Emmrich: “Have you read the thesis of Lucian Herreford? It contains some very interesting theories about the weight of the human soul and about what happens beyond the mortal veil.” Calais: “No.” Emmrich: “What about the catalogue of death magics, by Viuus Anaxas?” Calais: “Eh.” Emmrich: “I’d consider that book a must read for every Mourn watcher. Did Vorgoth not give you homework to read, growing up?” Calais: “He certainly tried.” Emmrich: “I gather you didn’t care much for it. I’m surprised Vorgoth wasn’t more insistent.” Calais: “If you take issue with his parenting, I suggest you talk to him instead.”

Emmrich: “I asked Vorgoth about what we discussed.” Calais: “Oh? What did he say?” Emmrich: “That you were always easily distracted, especially when made to read subjects of a rather dry nature. So he instead took to reading them to you.” Calais: “He has a voice you can’t ignore.” Emmrich: “Are you really so easily distracted?” Calais: “I thought about five other things in the space of this conversation. Most of them involved my rats. And one was how I’m kind of craving ice cream.” Emmrich: “Huh.”

Calais: “Hey Emmrich, thanks for that talk the other day. It really helped.” Emmrich: “You’re most welcome. I enjoyed the time spent together. You’re far more talented than you give yourself credit for.” Rook: “What’s this?” Calais: “I’m training corpse whispering with Emmrich. He figured I could learn, given my talent to speak with spirits.” Emmrich: “He’s a quick study. A joy to have in class.” Calais: *laughing* “Well don’t say that, now I sound like a teacher’s pet!”

Calais: “I’m still trying to figure out how the particles respond to your intricate weaving pattern. I can’t get it down.” Emmrich: “It took me years to perfect. I’d be concerned if you mastered it straight away.” Calais: “You don’t understand, if I’m not immediately good at something, my inside voice tells me to just quit because I’ll never be any good at it, obviously.” Emmrich: “I believe we discussed what we say to this voice.” Calais: *Noise of agreement* “Shut up, Leonard.”

Emmrich: “You look troubled Calais.” Calais: “Leonard’s talking a lot these days.” Emmrich: “Ah. An unpleasant fellow, that Leonard. I don’t like him.” Calais: “Me neither. But I can’t shut him up today.” Emmrich: “I have a ritual I need to complete later, you’re welcome to come along.” Calais: “Alright. It can’t hurt. And maybe the distraction will keep Leonard quiet.” Emmrich: “Let’s hope so. If not, we can at least ignore him while we talk and tend to the dead.”

Calais: *shuddering and heavy breathing for a few seconds* Emmrich: “I recognize that expression. Are you alright?” Calais: *deep sigh* “Yeah. You know, just my crippling anxiety suddenly rising to the surface. No big deal. I’m good. I’m fine. This is fine.” Emmrich: “Deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground, feel how it anchors you. The soil tethers you to this world.” Calais: “Deep breaths, deep breaths..”*Inhales and exhales deeply. “Right. I’m here.” Emmrich: “I have smelling salt if you need it.” Calais: “You’re kind, Emmrich. I’m fine now. Thank you.” Emmrich: “You’re welcome, Calais. I know all too well how it feels.”

[airenyah]

A LOOK AT STYLE'S JOURNEY | Ep 9

(Overview | Ep1+2 | Ep3 | Ep4 | Ep5 | Ep6 | Ep7 | Ep8)

Yeah, I don't really have any introductory words to say on this one except... ENJOY <3

Pronoun situation: As usual, just assume Fadel and Style use the rude pronouns guu/mueng with each other unless I specify otherwise.

To recap: On their road trip through the country, Fadel and Style ran into an interesting pair and got involved in their (pre-)marital dispute. Style finally figures out what exactly Fadel is mad about and makes him a promise.

No. 1: A Stylish Death

Once more, Style and Fadel are on the road. Fadel finally took Style's advice from the end of episode 7 to heart and is currently taking a nap on the backseat of the car instead of threatening Style non-stop. Style turns his head to check on him, then shakes his head and looks back to the road, his expression amused. It's my personal headcanon that he finds it just as funny and ridiculous (affectionate) how bad of a kidnapper Fadel is as we the fandom do. What kidnapper just sleeps peacefully while letting their victim drive them around in a car without supervision? Speaking of headcanons, you know how there's been talk about where exactly Style got the sunglasses from all of a sudden? My mom suggested that they could be Bison's and that they just happened to lie around in the car, but it's my headcanon that Style actually nicked them from Jimmy and Popcorn's house. He probably found the glasses somewhere around the house and charmed the two of them into giving them to him before he and Fadel left.

Anyway, the radio cuts out and Style ends up finding a photo of some mysterious guy in the glove compartment in search of CDs. To be honest, I don't think Style is all that jealous in this moment (I think he'd know if there was a love rival he needed to worry about, I think he can read Fadel well enough by now), but I do think he's very confused and intrigued. Because Fadel did tell him four episodes ago that he didn't have any past lovers. And only the night before (I assume) they had a chat in which Style mentions that he doesn't know Fadel's past. And I think Style wants to know. About Fadel's past and now about the guy in the photo specifically, because that guy is likely connected to Fadel's past, too. Which Style wants to know about.

But right in that moment, Fadel wakes up. Style quickly throws the photo back into the compartment, slams it shut and immediately ropes Fadel into a conversation so that Fadel doesn't even have the time to ask what Style was doing in case he saw anything. Fadel starts telling Style about Bison's parents' island and house and Style hopes his best friend is still alive. The only thing Fadel has to say about that is: "I can’t guarantee that. You’ll have to find out for yourself." That's not a very reassuring answer. "Can’t you at least lie to make me feel better?" Style asks. Language fun fact, Style's reply actually goes more like:

Can't you give me some hope, please? มึงให้ความหวังกูหน่อยก็ได้ป่ะ [mueng - hâi - kwaam wăng - guu - nòi - gôh dâai - bpà] you - give - hope - me - a little (please) - [particle] - ?

Then Style asks for a quick stop at a clothes store because "I’ve been wearing [your clothes] this whole time, and it’s getting disgusting" and I just love that @panncakes was spot on when they said:

im just saying style is obviously not wearing his own shirt in episode 8 and since fadel had time to prepare for this search mission he obviously brought essentials including spare sets of clothing and baggy black does scream fadel; so im just going to assume fadel has style Who He's Definitely Killing Soon running around in his own clothing because you can't have a dead man running around in day old dirty clothes obviously and not because sharing clothes is becoming their Thing

In a bit we will see that Style actually is wearing a shirt that we've seen Fadel wear before on the show.

They start bickering, because Fadel isn't in the mood to go shopping for clothes, but Style fights for his will by joking about Fadel killing him and going on a very Style-like monologue about wanting to be a good-looking corpse. When he's done monologuing, he turns his head and throws Fadel a side glance to check if it worked.

It did.

No. 2: You Better Run, Better Run, Faster Than His Bullet

It worked. Despite Fadel's reluctance they are now standing in a clothes store on Style's request and that makes 3/3 series that JoongDunk have gone to a clothes store in. I'm starting to wonder if looking at clothes together on camera is in their contracts. Maybe the real sunflowers were the clothes stores we made along the way. (Yes, I am still waiting for a JD sun flower Easter egg. Since sun flowers were such a big thing in both their previous works and their mascot is a sunflower too.) Anyway, so Fadel caved and let Style go shopping for clothes after all, because when does Fadel not give in to Style and Style is hyped. They bicker some more and Style finally calls Fadel out for being a bad kidnapper while at the same time using the opportunity to pointedly call himself Fadel's boyfriend and just as pointedly call Fadel his own boyfriend again as well. Just listen to how much he stresses the word "faen". Actually, let me just share a more literal translation again, because he doesn't just throw around the word "boyfriend" two but three whole times in Thai:

Right now I feel more like a boyfriend. ตอนเนี่ยรู้สึกเหมือน​แฟนมากกว่า [dton nîia - rúu-sèuk - mĕuuan - faen - mâak gwàa] (right) now - feel - like - boyfriend - more Official subs: I feel like a boyfriend. It's/You're like a boyfriend who accompanies his boyfriend while shopping. เหมือนแฟนมาเฝ้าแฟนช้อปปิ้งอ่ะ [mĕuuan - faen - maa - fâo - faen - chóp-bpîng - àh] like - boyfriend - come - watch over, care - boyfriend - shopping - [particle] Official subs: This feels like going shopping with my boyfriend.

(The italicized boyfriends indicate which boyfriends Style pointedly stresses.)

Last episode, Fadel claimed twice that he and Style weren't boyfriends/a couple after Style referred to them as such. Now Style is calling them boyfriends again, but the only thing that Fadel debunks this time around is the claim that Style is his hostage. Fadel doesn't say a single word about them not being boyfriends. He ends his defense by claiming that Style doesn't hold enough value to be exchanged for anything and Style throws him a little nod like Sure Jan whatever you say. 

Fadel continues to say "I'm just letting you find a little joy before I kill you" and that's interesting because:

I'm only letting you be a little happy before you die. กูแค่ให้มึงมีความสุขเล็กๆ น้อย​ๆ​ ก่อนตายเท่านั้นแหละ [guu - kâe - hâi - mueng - mii kwaam-sùk - lék lék nói nói - gòhn - dtaai - tâo nán - làe] I - just - let, give - you - be happy - little, small - before - die - only - [particle]

Let's compare with every other explicit death threat that Fadel has made to Style since he's kidnapped him:

Doesn't matter where [I'm taking you]. You'll be dead anyway. But before I kill you, I have to see my brother.

Once I find him, I'm going to kill you both.

One wrong move, I'm blowing your brain out.

If my car was stolen, not only would I kill you, I'd take a car from your garage.

Just because I let you do this doesn't mean I won't kill you, you know?

Do you see what's different all of a sudden? Yeah, that's right. Fadel threatened Style's life, but he did not say that he would be the one ending it. For once, Fadel did not say that he, Fadel, would be killing Style. The only other time he made a reference about Style being dead rather than him killing Style was the very first time he voiced an explicit death threat and that one was still followed by an "I kill you" in the very next sentence. Now, though? There is no "I (will) kill you" anywhere to be found. It's the same thing a few lines down: "You're going to die soon, what else do you want?" (Btw, I did check the Thai lines in the list above and in Thai he also says that he'll kill Style each time.)

I don't know if Style picks up on that subtle change in phrasing, but he certainly isn't as annoyed by and tired of the death threats anymore as he used to be. Instead, he now deals with them by making light of them, like earlier in the car when he insisted he wanted to be a good-looking corpse and now by asking Fadel to drop his dead body in a beautiful place so that at least his ghost could haunt nice places in nature. And what I love about this is that even though this is clearly meant more like a light-hearted joke, Style still sounds almost kind of genuine in his words. Because Fadel is "serious" about his death threats and so Style will also be serious about his dying wishes. And even though he doesn't believe that Fadel will actually kill him, Style still would rather haunt a beautiful place when he dies (even if it isn't at Fadel's hands). That part is genuine. However, Fadel ain't got no time for this particular wish. And so he threatens Style's life one more time by playing along with Style: "If you don't choose something right now, the only place you're haunting is this damn secondhand store."

Style stares at Fadel for a moment. Message received. It's time for Style to back down from being annoying or else Fadel will really lose his patience. And so Style turns his attention to the clothes rack, but not without showing Fadel how completely and utterly unimpressed he is by Fadel threatening death for the millionth time in the past 3-ish days. Style soon gets distracted from his performance when he notices a nice pair of shorts, which he grabs and then pointedly holds out to Fadel like There. I'm choosing something. Happy now? 

Style seriously starts looking for something to wear after that and he's so focused on the clothes that he misses the way Fadel watches him with the most adoring look in his eyes. Style finds a top he likes and walks off to try it on. When he comes back to ask for Fadel's opinion on his outfit, Fadel points out that Style never really wears stripes:

But I don't really see you wearing striped clothes. แต่กูไม่ค่อยเห็นมึงใส่เสื้อลายทางนะ [dtàe - guu - mâi kôi - hĕn - mueng - sài - sêuua laai taang - ná] but - I - not really - see - you - wear - striped clothes - [particle] Official subs: I never saw you in stripes before.

Just wanted to make a little clarification, because in the subs Fadel actually says "I never saw you in stripes before" when Fadel actually has, in fact, seen Style in stripes. But "not really" and "never" isn't quite the same. In Thai Fadel implies that Style rarely wears stripes, not that he never wears stripes, and I think Style wearing stripes in front of Fadel three times in eight episodes is rare enough to be considered "not really".

Fadel taking note of this fact has Style quite satisfied, because Fadel is clearly paying attention to him. Then Style firmly tells Fadel "You can't kill me. You love me." and this stand-off really reminds me of the one in the storage room in episode 3 when Style tells Fadel "You won't [punch me]. You like me." Except this time Style is even more confident in his words. In fact, he knows he's right, because Fadel has had many perfect opportunities to kill him in the last couple of days, was actually close to killing him a few times and yet Style is still alive and kicking and actively being an annoying little menace in Fadel's life. And he also knows for a fact that Fadel is in love with him. He tested him in the bathtub and got a satisfactory result. Instead of being punched in the gut like last time, Style suddenly finds himself whirled around and on the ground, everything accompanied by the sound of gunshots. 

From one second to the next, Style finds himself worrying about his his life again after he's finally managed to deal with his fear of death triggered by the pool incident. Somehow, Fadel and Style still have the time to bicker while Fadel fires off a few more gunshots and then they run to a different hiding spot. I do love how Style's first instinct the moment Fadel has dropped down on the ground next to him is to reach out to Fadel. And I love how Style doesn't even seem to be thinking about it, he just touches Fadel automatically, his hand seeks out Fadel almost out of reflex.

Fadel realizes he's out of bullets and blames Style who defends himself and then asks how they're gonna fight this guy. And once again we get to see how much of a helper Style is and how much of a need to fix things he has, because he immediately offers himself up as bait to distract the attacker. Fadel hates the idea, but Style insists. He's too helpful for his own good. Style gets in position to run, but turns back to Fadel for a moment when Fadel calls out Style's name a few times. Fadel tilts his head in disapproval like Are you fucking serious right now?! Style nods and blinks at him in a silent answer: Yeah. It'll be fine, don't worry. I got this. Then Style bravely runs off. His need to help overrides his fear of death. 

Turns out Style cannot, in fact, outrun bullets. A bullet grazes him and he goes down. And at this point, let me just leave @secriden's observation here, because it totally hadn't occurred to me and it hurts me, so obviously I need to make it everyone else's problem, too:

[I]it is just deliciously dramatic that Style gets injured precisely dressed in the clothes he'd picked out so he could "at least die in something that's actually my style" and in the place Fadel said Style would haunt only minutes prior.

Fadel finds Style a minute or two later, once he's dealt with the attacker and they're both safe. Style says "It’s just a graze" and "This is nothing" and I'm not sure if he's saying this more to reassure Fadel or to reassure himself. His mouth says one thing, but his face sure says another.

Whatever brave face Style was putting on a moment ago disappears once Fadel starts wrapping his own shirt around Style's injury. Style goes down, clearly in pain. And I'm left wondering... Is that it? Is this why we've been counting Style around guns? Was it foreshadowing to Style getting shot? Only time will tell.

No. 3: Treating the Wounded

Somehow Fadel gets Style onto Bison's island. I wonder how far away they were at the point of Style being shot and how long it took for them to arrive on the island. Style is weak and pale and yet the first and also only thing out of his mouth is "Kant… You're alive. I'm happy to see that". Kant's death is a worry that Style has carried around ever since that morning at the hospital right before Fadel ambushed him and now that I think about it, this worry must have also played a part in Style's fear of and about death last episode. But Kant is alive. His best friend is alive. And that's all that matters through the pain right now.

Kant wants to help but Fadel immediately yells at him to let go of Style the moment Kant grabs Style's arm. I'm sure Style would have been cool with Kant also helping him, but Style currently doesn't have the energy to talk back to Fadel. Fadel continues to lead him towards the house and at one point as they're walking we see Style shut his eyes for a moment in a way that has me wonder if for a second his vision went blurry and/or if he's feeling dizzy from the pain and the shock of the injury:

Once at the house, Bison stitches Style back up while Fadel helps and acts as Style's moral support. I'm not sure how many details of what is happening here will be retained in Style's memory as his brain is certainly too busy with keeping him alive through the pain.

No. 4: Bestie Talk

Style wakes up in a bed and Kant finds him only a minute later with painkillers. Style first voices his relief that he himself didn't die from the shock of the surgery, followed by his relief that Kant isn't a corpse either. Kant's potential death really is something that was weighing him down. But Kant's alive! And he even told Bison about everything! Style can't believe his ears. How in the world is Kant still alive, then? Kant says "He loves me" and Style goes "Ohhhhhhhhh" while I go "The power of love, huh?" and then Style goes "The power of love, alright" and I die of laughter at how predictable Style's words were. Style, believer in the power of love, is very happy that his prediction was right, is very happy for his friend and his happiness. Kant continues "I love him, too. I'll do anything to keep him alive" and Style asks "And how are you going to do that? This mess is getting out of hand. It's not just the cops who are after them, but someone else clearly wants them dead" and it's interesting, because so far in their 1:1 scenes it was always Style being the optimistic one, the hopeful one, the dreamer while Kant kept things realistic and had a more pessimistic outlook on life. This time, though, it's the other way around. This time Style hits Kant with the realism. And it makes sense, because it was also Style who got hit by a real bullet. Style has felt and is actually currently feeling the very real consequences of "I'll do anything to keep him alive". One moment you think you can outrun a bullet, the next you almost die on a make-shift surgery table.

Kant says he doesn't exactly know how he's going to go about it, but that his heart is already in it. Style looks away, clearly thinking about something, then raises his eyebrows and nods.

"My heart is already in this." Style knows. Oh, how well Style knows that feeling. The feeling of wanting to do something, anything in the world for the well-being and safety of your hitman boyfriend. He's been feeling like this for a long time now. If we're being honest, Style has felt like this since all the way back in episode 5 where he told Kant "How would I even get through this? I compromised my whole body, and if we're being honest, I've already compromised half of my heart, too. I'm worried about him now" in that locker room. But back then things were going great for Style. Fadel had finally given him a chance and was happily dating Style while Style was falling in love with him more and more despite knowing his true identity. Back then, things were great. Now, though? Not so much. One moment Fadel threatens him with death, the next moment Fadel saves him from death. Style is happy that everything worked out well for his beloved bestie and his hitman boyfriend, but he himself is quite confused at the mixed signals he's getting from his own hitman: "Meanwhile, my chances are 50-50. He's hot and then cold. He loves me and then he doesn't. I honestly can't keep up with him." And I don't think the 50-50 refers to there being a 50-50 chance on whether Fadel will kill him or not. I think by now everyone and their mother knows that Fadel absolutely cannot bring himself to take Style's life no matter how hard he tries (and how hard he tries to convince himself otherwise) and Style is very much aware of it. He even called Fadel out on it at the store. No, I think the 50-50 is out on whether Fadel will forgive him and whether Fadel is willing to give Style another chance. Style knows Fadel loves him, but is the love he has also enough to let Style in again? Is it enough to put his walls down for Style again? And besides, apart from saving Style's life a few times, ever since Fadel found out the truth Fadel hasn't exactly been treating Style in a way that makes Style feel loved and appreciated while Style has done nothing but show his love and appreciation for Fadel. Fadel hasn't exactly shown that he really cares about Style. Style made it very clear that despite Fadel nearly taking his life at the pool, he still loved Fadel and was even willing to sleep with him anyway and Fadel just handcuffed him to the bed in return and told Style he didn't trust him. Style cried from trauma and the only consolation Fadel gave him was "don't be dramatic" and "I don't wanna listen". Style voiced genuine concerns about being murdered and Fadel came back with approval of Style's murder. Style called them boyfriends and Fadel returns with yet another death threat. Those aren't exactly bright prospects for Style and no matter how much Style stays in good spirits, deep down it's gotta hurt, too. Fadel may love Style enough not to kill him, but does he even care about him at all as well?

But Kant has an outside perspective and sees things that Style doesn't see. And from that perspective it looks like Fadel absolutely does care: "But from what I saw, he had your hands clasped in his so tightly. And the way he looked at you was exactly how I looked at Bison at the hospital." Style looks away again, even more lost in thought this time around as he contemplates Kant's words and thinks about Fadel holding his hand through the surgery as well as his relationship with him. Kant's words should come as good news, but Style still looks rather downhearted.

It may seem a little odd that our usual confident, optimistic, hopeful boy is suddenly discouraged. However, I think it makes sense. Style knows that Fadel loves him, but he hasn't exactly been treating Style in a way that makes Style actually feel that love (not killing Style and saving his life is kind of the bare minimum at this point, let's be real). Not to mention, there are also many things that we, the viewers, see from an outside perspective, but Style himself doesn't see them, like when Fadel nearly reached out to Style when Style was crying, or the look of adoration Fadel was watching Style with at the clothes store, or the concern Fadel showed while Bison was stitching Style up. But for the last incident, there was someone there to witness the outside perspective and finally Style learns how Fadel looks when Style's not looking. And that makes Style think. Fadel does seem to care. And Kant's words also serve to reconfirm that Style is right about Fadel loving him, but is that love enough to make Fadel want to be with Style again? After all, Style still has to work for Fadel's forgiveness. And I think that's why Style ultimately isn't all that convinced by Kant's words, because what good does the knowledge that Fadel loves him do, when there's a chance Fadel still won't take him back? What good does the knowledge that Fadel does care do, when it only happens in moments where Style is missing out on it? When it only happens in moments where that care doesn't properly reach Style?

Kant can tell that his friend is still unhappy, so he changes the topic to something more cheerful: "Thanks, though, for risking your life looking for me." This has Style genuinely laughing again as he says "I don’t need your gratitude." Another interpretation of this line is actually:

No need to get so touching, dude. ไม่ต้องมาซึ้งเลยมึง [mâi dtông - maa - séung - loiie - mueng] no need - come - touching, deep - [particle] - you

I think this is a little more coherent with Kant teasing Style about saying "I love you" afterwards, but that might also just be me. Anyway, Style and Kant bicker a bit and Kant accidentally causes pain to Style's injured arm. When they stop bickering, Style, who is in a bit of a better mood again after feeling a down about Fadel only moments before, now really wants to know alllll the tea he's missed while he was busy surviving the pain of the surgery: "When [Fadel] had my hand in his, how did he look at me?"

Kant goes into a dramatic reenactment for Style until they both break away laughing about how weird the thought of the two of them (Kant and Style) to kiss is. Once they've calmed down, Kant repeats that Fadel is worried about Style. Style smiles to himself, getting lost in thought again. It's still not an entirely happy smile, because Style still has a way to go to earn Fadel's forgiveness and Fadel still needs to make it clear in return that he does care about Style and appreciates him in a way where Style can actually see or feel it, but Style is definitely more hopeful again compared to earlier in the conversation. Maybe there is a chance Fadel is willing to give Style another chance after all. Maybe there really is still hope that Style will get his boyfriend back and that said boyfriend will also start treating him accordingly again. Maybe things aren't so bleak after all.

No. 5: Over My Dead Body

However, things take a dark turn when Style walks in on the love of his life holding his best friend at gunpoint. Style missed the beginning of the confrontation, so technically he doesn't really have context, but he also doesn't really need it, because he knows exactly what grudge Fadel is holding. No need to ask. Besides, the day they were playing with the BB guns Fadel already told Style "Kant has to deal with me. He started all this, after all." And now Fadel is making good on that promise.

But Style has been so worried about Kant's safety for so many episodes already and especially ever since Kant got kidnapped and now that Style's finally got his best friend back, alive, and he is not going to watch his (not-)boyfriend kill him in front of his very own eyes and so he shouts at Fadel not to hurt Kant. However, Kant is ready to accept his fate. But before he dies, Fadel needs to know that Style is innocent: "But Style has nothing to do with this. I lied to get him roped into this." Remember the word หลอก [lòhk] from last episode? Yeah, it makes an appearance again. Just so you know:

I deceived my friend one more time. ผมหลอกเพื่อนผมมาอีกทีนึงอ่ะ [pŏm - lòhk - pêuuan pŏm - maa - ìik tii nueng - àh] I - trick, deceive - my friend - [past tense marker] - one more time again - [particle]

(If you didn't read my ep8 meta: this word means "to trick" or "to deceive" and it came up A LOT during ep8. Lots of tricking and deceiving happening on this show. Who would have thought.)

But Style is not cool with Kant's sacrifice. "Don't you dare take all the credits," Style scolds him. And here, have the Thai version too, because it made me laugh:

Don't be cool all by yourself. มึงอย่าเท่คนเดียวดิวะ [mueng - yàa - têh - kon diieow - dì - wá] you - don't - (be) cool - alone, by yourself - [particle] - [particle]

Style won't let Kant to this alone. If Kant has to die, so does Style. And he makes that very clear to Fadel: "If you're going to kill him, kill me, too." Style's voice sounds angry when he says this and this is interesting, because Style hasn't really been properly angry with Fadel ever since he found himself tied up at the pool. Sure, Style got annoyed and he was even really done with Fadel at some points, but Style was never angry with Fadel, he never held any of what Fadel said or did to him against Fadel. No, instead of getting angry, Style just went with it and often met Fadel with kindness and love instead. But now that his best friend's life is on the line, Style is finally truly angry at Fadel. Fadel can shoot Kant over Style's dead body. And with the many times Fadel has saved Style in the last couple of days, Style knows for a fact that his dead body is not something Fadel can bear to see. Even when Fadel himself is the one who wants Style dead.

Style continues: "Nobody forced me into this. I agreed to it willingly." Style could have gotten out of this mess at any point after he was informed of Fadel's real occupation and of what Kant's real mission was, but Style didn't. Style stayed. And he even stuck to Fadel's side all throughout episode 8 without running away which is something that he did willingly. Not because he was afraid of Fadel's gun. Fadel never really treated Style as an actual hostage apart from that one time he handcuffed Style to the bed and the few times he waved his gun in Style's face. Style had plenty of opportunities to make a run for it, especially when Fadel was napping in the car. But Style chose to stay. Nobody forced him to do anything, not Fadel during their road trip and also not Kant at any time before that. Style went along with everything by his own choice and of his own will. No one's made any decisions for Style. Style also has agency in this game.

Style underlines this point by dropping down on his knees and offering his life by his very own choice. "Don't you have a little sympathy? We've been through all these things together. Why did you bother stitching me up if you're going to end up killing me anyway? Why didn't you just let me die?" Style is still angry, but now his voice sounds more reproachful as well as desperate. Style's hurt is really starting to shine through. He has stuck to Fadel's side with unwavering loyalty these past few days, has shown over and over again that he's serious about Fadel and his feelings for Fadel, he's been nice to Fadel, has helped him, has followed his wishes, has even nearly given his life to protect Fadel in the store. And not a single time has Fadel shown any sign of appreciation or as much as acknowledgment. That hurts. Even more so, when Fadel then goes to murder Style's best friend as a thank you in return for all that Style has done for him. I think when Style asks "Don't you have a little sympathy?" the unspoken question is You don't care about me, despite all that I've willingly done for you? Style's next words are even more loaded: "Why did you bother stitching me up if you're going to end up killing me anyway? Why didn't you just let me die?" This is You do care about me, because if you really did hate me all that much you could have easily let me die back there and finally be rid of me, but you didn't. You couldn't bear to see me die. This is If you care about me and my life this much, then why do you keep treating me so coldly? This is You saved my life and now you're just gonna destroy it immediately after? Are you really this cruel?

As Style is kneeling there, I don't think he is scared for his own life, I don't think he expects Fadel to actually shoot him dead on the spot. I think Style feels fairly safe in this moment, but he is terrified for Kant's life. He knows that Fadel can't bring himself to kill Style, because he loves him too much, but Fadel doesn't feel the same way about Kant. In fact, Fadel feels quite the opposite about Kant. If Fadel kills Kant now, even if he spares Style, Style's life would still be ruined. No matter how much Style insists that he'll like Fadel no matter what, I think if Fadel kills his best friend (or any of Style's loved ones really, like his dad), I think that's the one exception to the rule. I do think they would not be able to come back from that.

This moment here is also the first time Style actually begs Fadel for mercy. Yes, back at the pool he also worked on Fadel not firing that life-ending shot, but back then Style was mostly angry and annoyed and only a little scared. Yes, he did ask Fadel not to kill him, but back then Style was begging for his life, not for mercy. Back then Style didn't ask Fadel to show compassion. But now Style is on his knees, desperately begging Fadel to be merciful, to show compassion, to really think things through. Fadel stares at him.

Fadel may not appreciate the loyalty Style has shown him over the last few days, but Kant very much does appreciate Style's loyalty and voices it, too: "I'm happy to have called you a friend." Style replies "Thank you for making my life such an adventure. It's been so goddamn fun, you know that?" and now tears start falling from his eyes as he's speaking. And what I love about this is despite how Style is crying and despite how upset he is in this moment and despite how terrified he is about their (Kant's) death, for Style his potential goodbye to Kant isn't a tragedy. No, it's a celebration. Style is upset and he is sad and he is desperate and afraid, but he smiles a genuine smile through his tears as he speaks his potential last words that Kant may get to hear from him. It's a celebration of their friendship. Style takes this tragic moment and turns it into a happy one. Because if death is inevitable, he at least wants to spend their (Kant's) dying moment in happiness and with good memories in mind. Kant acknowledges that celebration with a smile and a nod, which Style returns.

But Fadel stays stubborn. "How can we be sure you're not just fooling us again?" Style's smile and brief moment of happiness has disappeared when he replies to Fadel. "You think I'd risk my life for all this if I didn't really have feelings for you?" Style is still firm, but now all the anger from moments before is completely gone. Only hurt and despair is left. Style is asking Fadel All this time you never thought or cared to see my perspective, did you? He's telling Fadel I'm here before you, literally begging you on my knees and you are STILL not willing to believe a single word out of my mouth nor any of my actions. Style may always act like Fadel's continuous stabs at him just bounce right off, but at the end of the day it does hurt him that Fadel keeps pushing him away, keeps refusing to appreciate or at the very least acknowledge Style's genuine sincerity. Style's words are reproachful, like he's asking What else do I still need to do in order to prove to you that I'm being serious, no tricks? How much longer will you disregard my very real feelings? Are you really that stubborn? Is this really the hill you're going to die on?

Now Kant jumps in with a beg of his own to support Style: "People make mistakes. Won't you give me a chance? I really love your brother, and my friend really loves you. The two of us will do anything to make sure the two of you get the life you want." Fadel looks at Style after Kant says "The two of us will do anything to make sure the two of you get the life you want." Style has his eyes fixed on Fadel and despite Style still being tense and his breathing being shaky, the expression on Style's face is firm and determined. Style really meant every single thing he just said or did. And he is especially determined in his decision to die alongside Kant. Style is sending a couple of messages to Fadel here. He's saying Since you're always disregarding my own feelings on this matter anyway it really seems like you don't give a shit about me after all, so killing me in addition to Kant really shouldn't be a problem for you at all, so go on, do it. He's telling him If you kill him, you kill me too. If not physically, then at the very least emotionally. He's asking Won't you finally believe that I'm undoubtedly serious and honest about everything and especially about you?

Style is also observing Fadel, watching Fadel intently to see what he's doing, to see what his next move is going to be. Fadel, who was staring at Style, looks back to Kant, then throws Style another look.

And that's when he makes the decision to not to shoot. To put the gun away, instead. And that decision was without a doubt made for Style, not for Bison. I think Style's words (and especially also the unspoken ones) got to him and more importantly, he got to see Style's loyalty in full action. And that was crucial for Fadel to see, because if Style is this loyal to Kant, then if Style's love for Fadel is true, Fadel can expect the same loyalty from him down the line. In fact, Style actually has shown Fadel the same loyalty all along already, or else he wouldn't have followed Fadel to Bison's island, nor would he have thrown himself in the line of fire at the store to protect Fadel. Although I'm not sure Fadel is really ready to truly look at and acknowledge that in this moment.

Fadel puts the gun down and walks a few steps away. Both Bison and Style rush to Kant to check on him. Once Style has made sure Kant is alright, he looks to Fadel. Fadel is looking at him too.

Then Fadel looks at the rest and asks "Any of you allergic to seafood?" And yes, that comment is funny, but it's funny in a way that in German we call Situationskomik (= situational comedy, comedy of the situation). I really don't think Fadel is making a joke here (like. that is NOT the face of a man who is cracking a joke). No, I think this is a peace offering, actually. It's an unspoken peace offering, because cooking for someone else is a gesture of care. And instead of killing Kant, Fadel offers to cook for everyone which includes Kant.

No. 6: Encouragement

Style on the phone with his dad and I'm relieved, because I'd been worrying about his dad with Style suddenly disappearing just like that without a word. And I'm sooo so glad the series spent a moment on showing us the relationship between Style and his dad again. Like, of course Style is gonna call his dad so that his dad doesn't have to worry. Bison is concerned that Style's dad will be mad if Style shows up back home all banged up like that, but Style is confident he can come up with some superhero story and promises not to spill the beans on Fadel and Bison. Style and Bison have some friendly banter until Bison tells Style that Fadel wants to talk to him and said for Style to meet him at the beach. Style is suddenly worried that Fadel changed his mind and wants to shoot him after all, since Style had already offered as much when he was on his knees earlier that day.

I think we have well-established by now that there is no way Fadel is capable of killing Style, and as I mentioned, I think Style is confident in that, too. So I don't think Style thinks Fadel is actually planning to kill him for real, I think he's mostly just being overdramatic and exaggerating again. Bison then plays along and says "No way. The worst he'd do would be trying to drown you" and when Style blinks at Bison and stares at him in shock I think it's because Style doesn't immediately recognize that this is a joke. After all, he hasn't really spent all that much time with Bison, so he doesn't really know Bison and his humor all that well. So Style stares at Bison with big eyes, then tilts his head and squeezes his eyes a bit, trying to figure out whether Bison is being serious right now and if this is something Fadel would actually do (after all, Bison knows Fadel's killer side a hell of a lot better than Style does) or whether Bison is just joking. Bison notices Style's struggle and clears up that he's just kidding and that Fadel wouldn't do that. But it's already too late. Bison's got Style genuinely concerned now. Fadel has proven over and over again that he won't be shooting Style, but who said anything about drowning Style? It's a possibility that Style had not yet considered.

Bison laughs and asks if Style really does like Fadel. All the fear and worry from a second ago disappears instantly as Style firmly tells him "Whatever Kant feels about you, that's how I feel about your brother. If you understand him, you should be able to understand me." Style fell in love with Fadel in episode 5 and absolutely nothing that has happened since, and especially absolutely nothing that has happened since Fadel drugged him at the hospital has changed any about that. Style chose Fadel at the end of episode 5 and he is still very set on that decision.

Bison advises Style that Style needs to prove his feelings to Fadel and tells Style "He acts all tough and rough on the outside, but on the inside, he’s just a softie". Style laughs. He did get to see that for himself during that short time period where he and Fadel were actually happy in their relationship. Bison continues: "He never hesitates when he kills. So if you're still alive, that means he's got a soft spot for you." Again, I think this is something that Style has absolutely clocked already and even called out (both explicitly at the beginning of the episode when he said "You can't kill me. You love me" as well as implicitly whenever he was teasing Fadel, for example in his hitman-teerak monologue or when he quoted Popcorn's words and went "I deserve to die" and cockily leaned his head back to mimic giving his life over to Fadel), but I also think that it still hits kinda different to hear it from someone who first of all has an outside perspective on things and second of all who knows Fadel's killer side better than anyone, from someone who's seen over and over again what Fadel is like when he's murderous, from someone who can absolutely judge the difference. Which Style can't, because he's never seen Fadel actually kill anyone, even if he got close to witnessing it a few times.

Style had started to get discouraged, because Fadel just wouldn't budge and just wouldn't let Style back in and Style just kept hitting one wall after another. And we can't forget that Style spent a lot of time repeatedly hitting walls for the first four episodes already and even when Fadel let him in, Fadel never let him in 100% (only 80%) and so even then Style still came across walls. And I think on top of being discouraged, Style was also starting to get tired a bit. It must be quite exhausting to be this persistent, let's be real. There is only so much energy you can spend on running after someone who keeps pushing you away again and again and keeps being harsh to you. Fadel hasn't even talked to Style or checked on him since Style woke up after the surgery. As far as we're aware of, the only time they've talked since then was when Style was begging for mercy on his knees. So yeah. That sure is encouraging.

But first with Kant's optimism and now with Bison's support as well, Style is starting to feel like maybe not all is lost after all. Hesitantly, he asks Bison:

You think I still have hope? มึงว่ากูยังมีหวังอยู่ป่ะวะ [mueng - wâa - guu - yang - mii - wăng - yùu - bpà - wá] you - think - I - still - have - hope - [auxiliary verb] - ? - [particle] Official subs: You think… I have a chance?

Style is starting to get his hopes up a little bit again. Maybe Fadel will take him back and be nice to him again. Bison is absolutely convinced: "Go for it. After all you've risked your life for, what else do you even have to be scared of now?" Style looks towards the ground, uncertain. Yeah, what else could he be scared of?

Nothing, except Fadel potentially drowning him in the ocean instead of rejecting him like a normal person. Or, you know, just the rejection in general, even if it doesn't come with murder. Honestly, at this point I think Style is also lowkey nervous, because now he really does have (strong) feelings for Fadel and Fadel being willing to be his boyfriend (again. or still) matters more than anything this time around. What will Style do if Fadel rejects him again?

Bison taps his shoulder encouragingly and walks off. Style stays back, thinking everything over.

How is he going to proceed from here? Is he going to try yet again and risk running into another wall as always? Or is he just gonna let it go and finally leave Fadel alone?

No. 7: A Vow Fulfilled

Style does go to the beach. When he arrives, Fadel is already there which makes sense, since Bison did tell Style that Fadel wanted to talk to him at the beach. Except Fadel immediately snaps at Style about what Style is doing here and asks about Bison. Style informs him that Bison was actually the one who said Fadel wanted to talk to Style right here. I think based on Fadel's facial journey and the fact that he moves to walk right off, Style can tell that Bison lied, probably to get Fadel and Style to talk to each other. And now, with new found hope, Style does very much have something to talk to Fadel about. So he catches Fadel's arm and pulls him back, asking him to at least stay for a chat. Fadel isn't really convinced and Style hits him with a cheeky "I can't sleep unless I talk to you". He then hands Fadel a list of all the relatives he has in his life, because "I want you to be sure that I'm not lying to you again." And I'm just gonna drop the Thai line again, because – ding ding ding, you guessed it! Our favorite word หลอก [lòhk] from last episode makes an appearance again:

I want you to be confident that I won't deceive you again. กูอยากให้มึงมั่นใจว่ากูจะไม่หลอกมึงอีก [guu - yàak - hâi - mueng - mân-jai - wâa - guu - jà - mâi - lòhk - mueng - ìik] I - want - that - you - (be) certain, confident - that - I - will - not - trick, deceive - you - again

If you haven't read my ep8 meta, I would encourage you to go read at least sections 6, 9 and 10, so that you have context for its significance. Last episode Style figured out that having been tricked (especially into love) was the one big thing that Fadel was really mad about. Last episode Fadel asked Style "You think that you deceiving (tricking) me is no big deal?" when they were sitting on the couch, then later when they were dancing, Style acknowledged that it is in fact a big deal and tells Fadel "But I'm ready to do anything to make you forgive me." Later in the bathtub Style acknowledges again that he did a bad thing by tricking (deceiving) and betraying Fadel (again I refer you to section 10 of my ep8 meta). And now, as Style is actively doing something in the hopes that it will finally make Fadel forgive him, he once again repeats to him the exact thing that Fadel is mad about, promising he won't be tricking/deceiving Fadel ever again. And yeah, the official translation isn't exactly wrong, because lying is in fact a thing that comes with deceiving or tricking people and this word can be translated as "lying", but I just want some consistency in the word choice. Because I'm sure the consistency of the word choice หลอก [lòhk] in the original Thai was very much on purpose. Otherwise they could have just had the characters say โกหก [goh-hòk] (= to lie) or some other word at some point too. But no, they kept (and keep) saying หลอก [lòhk] while the subs are all over the place (from "made someone do something" to "lying" to "fooling someone" etc. etc. -> these are just the ones from the top of my head). The translation student in me wants to scream. I might turn this into my master's thesis.

Anyway, now that this rant is out of the way, let's continue: So Style explicitly tells Fadel he won't be หลอก [lòhk]-ing him anymore and if he does end up doing it again, then Fadel is free to kill him together with his entire family. Fadel is outraged: "You're selling your whole family out for this? And you said you're a family man." And here's the literal translation, for those who are interested (it doesn't really change much):

You're selling your relatives to me? นี่มึงขายญาติให้กูเลยนะ [nîi - mueng - kăai - yâat - hâi - guu - loiie - ná] [interjection] - you - sell - relatives - to - me - [particle] - [particle] But you said you love your family, didn't you? ไหนมึงบอกว่ามึงรักครอบครัวไม่ใช่หรอ [năi - mueng - bòhk wâa - mueng - rák - krôp-kruua - mâi châi - rŏh] but - you - said that - you - love - family - no - ?

Style doesn't see a problem: "Because I know for a fact that I won't ever lie to you again." And yes, he does repeat the word หลอก [lòhk], thanks for asking. In fact, his wording is actually almost the same as earlier:

Well, I'm confident that I definitely won't deceive you again. ก็กูมั่นใจไงว่ากูจะไม่หลอกมึงอีกแน่นอน [gôh - guu - mân-jai - ngai - wâa - guu - jà - mâi - lòhk - mueng - ìik - nâe-non] well - I - (be) certain, confident - [particle] - that - I - will - not - trick, deceive - you - again - definitely, for sure

But Fadel, on top of being hurt that he was หลอก [lòhk]-ed by Style, he is now also offended that he is worth only a car to Style and sasses Style about it: "From what you did to me, I just hope that car's a real beauty." And it's actually kinda funny, because Style agreed to make Fadel his boyfriend, but it's been how many episodes since they've started dating?? And we have yet to see Style with said car. In fact, the only time that he went to Kant to claim the car was when he happily bragged about Fadel being his boyfriend the moment he started dating him many episodes ago, but then Kant told him about Fadel's real occupation and Style was like fuck that, keep your car, I'm out. And even when he agreed to stay with Fadel anyway, Style still didn't leave with the car. In fact, as of episode 6 it was Kant who was still in possession of the car, despite Style and Fadel being head over heels in love by that point (I've reached image limit, but we see Kant and Bison arrive at the bowling alley in that car at the end of episode 6 part 1). Style may have gone into it for the car, but he never actually took the car and by now the car is long forgotten. I didn't go and check, but as far as I remember Style hasn't even brought the car up to Kant ever since that scene in episode 4 where he initially came to claim it. At this point, Style would much rather have Fadel than the car anyway.

Fadel doesn't know any of that, of course. He doesn't know that Style isn't even in possession of the car (for now). And so Fadel drops a bitchy comment about it. Style's eyes widen and he immediately knows that Kant must have told Fadel. Fadel confirms and yells at him: "How are you gonna defend yourself now?" Shit. Style hadn't prepared for that conversation before he made his way down to the beach. Style hesitates a bit as he searches for words and the best way to defend himself without pissing Fadel off even more and making him run away again. Style's voice sounds a little stressed when he tells Fadel that it was only in the beginning that he wasn't being sincere. Fadel stares at him wordlessly. When Style continues to say "But after spending time with you" the stress from just now is gone and when he says "I've changed" his voice is very sincere and there's also an urgency that comes with it. Style really means what he says and it's important to him that Fadel believes him, too. But Fadel just looks away. So Style continues: "I never let anyone get the better of me. But for you, I'd do it again and again. I think we get along well." Now let me just share the Thai wording again:

Usually, I never lose to anyone. ปกติกูไม่เคยแพ้ใครนะ [bpòk-gà-dtì - guu - mâi koiie - páe - krai - ná] usually - I - never - lose (to) - anyone - [particle] But I have a soft spot for you. แต่กูแพ้ทางมึงว่ะ [dtàe - guu - páe taang - mueng - wâ] but - I - have a soft/weak spot for - you - [particle] I think we can have a life together. กูว่าเราสองคนอยู่ด้วยกันได้ [guu - wâa - rao sŏng kon - yùu - dûuay gan - dâai] I - think - the two of us - be, live - together - can, be able to

(Side note: there's a word play in the first and second line: to lose = แพ้ [páe] vs. to have a soft/weak spot = แพ้ทาง [páe taang])

Style uses the word แพ้ [páe] here, which means "to lose" or "to be defeated". And where have we heard Style use that word before? In episode 4, when Fadel drags him out of the Rise Up meeting and into the hallway. Once in the hallway, Style says: "I don't take defeats." And then we actually heard something similar again in episode 5 when Fadel tells Style "A guy like me doesn't know how to accept defeat" during their go-kart date. And now here Style is, standing in front of Fadel, telling him Fine. You win. I lose. And gladly so, if it means I get to have you in my life. Because he thinks they can be together. Style wants that and he's serious about it. Fadel looks away and sighs. So Style continues talking. And I'm just gonna share the literal translation again, not because it really makes any difference in meaning, but because I think some of you might be curious:

The thing I can do now is to convince you that I will be by your side. สิ่งที่กูทำได้ตอนนี้อ่ะ ก็คือพูดให้มึงเชื่อมั่นว่ากูจะอยู่ข้างมึง [sìng - tîi - guu - tam dâai - dton-níi - àh • gôh keu - pûut hâi mueng chêuua-mân - wâa - guu - jà - yùu - kâang mueng] thing - that - I - can do - now - [particle] • is - convince you - that - I - will - be - your side Official subs: The only thing I can do right now is promise you that I'll be by your side. But if you give me a chance แต่ถ้ามึงให้โอกาสกูอ่ะ [dtàe - tâa - mueng - hâi - oh-gàat - guu - àh] but - if - you - give - chance - me - [particle] Official subs: But if you give me a chance I will show you that I'm serious. กูจะทำให้มึงเห็นว่ากูเอาจริง [guu - jà - tam hâi - mueng - hĕn - wâa - guu - ao jing] I - will - make that - you - see - that - I - serious Official subs: I can show you I mean every word.

Fadel, who looked back at Style when he talked about being at Fadel's side, now looks away again and sighs for a second time. He remains stubborn. But Style won't be discouraged. He's made the decision to try getting through to Fadel once more and so he's on a mission now. "You don't believe me? Fine." Stupidly stubborn guys require stupidly silly methods. And at this point I really wanna share @ginnymoonbeam's words on this post:

You know when you've been fighting about something for a long time and eventually you get to a point where you know the other person has won, but you're too stubborn to just give up your position? That's Fadel. Everyone knows he isn't going to kill Style, that he loves Style, that he dragged him on this road trip because he wants to be with Style. He knows it too, but he's climbed on this hill-to-die-on and can't see his way down. Style's dramatic little stunt gives him a way to climb down. He has to get in the water because Style is the one being stubborn and unreasonable. It's gotta be a scene with a sense of urgency to break through that last resistance, but it also has to be something deeply stupid, because a genuine dangerous crisis takes his focus elsewhere. Fortunately manufacturing a deeply stupid emergency situation is right in Style's lane.

If Fadel wants to remain on that hill, then Style will just have to walk straight into the ocean. And he'll just keep walking until Fadel climbs down from that hill and gives him a chance after all. Even if Fadel's mirror last episode said that bad people don't deserve chances. And Style clearly is bad people for tricking Fadel into loving him and being crazy about him and then betraying him. And according to Fadel's mirror people who trick others into loving them all deserve to die. So instead of having Fadel drown him, Style will just willingly go drown himself in the ocean. He deserves to die for tricking Fadel after all. And so Style walks on. But suddenly Fadel starts getting stressed. He shouts after Style that his wound is going to get infected and but Style is determined to show just how serious he is: "And I will die of that, too!" Style is bad people and Style deserves to die for his sins and so Style will drown himself in the ocean and let the infected wound kill him on top of that. For love. Style walks and walks and makes a big show out of it and his injury gets closer and closer to the water and Fadel gets more and more stressed until he breaks after all: "Fine! I'll give you a chance." Style smiles for a moment, before he raises his eyebrows like Oh, is that so? and questions Fadel: "Really?"

Style knows he's won now, but the thing is that Fadel was reeeally stubborn for a reeeally long time and Style reeeally had to work for Fadel to utter the words "I'll give you a chance". And so Style decides drag it out a little longer. I think he partly does it to to playfully mess with Fadel a bit, partly simply just to be a little shit and give Fadel a bit of a taste of his own medicine, and also partly because just as much as Fadel needed to see proof of Style's sincerity, Style also wants to see some proof that Fadel really means it when he says he'll give Style a chance. After all, Style's heart is on the line here, too. And there's only so much rejection a man in love can take. Style doesn't want that chance if Fadel is just gonna turn around and go back to making death threats again as soon as Style is back out of the water. And so instead of walking back to land, Style calls out "Nah, I’m gone. There’s no way you mean it." And let me just–

You're tricking me for sure. มึงหลอกกูแน่ [mueng - lòhk - guu - nâe] you - trick, deceive - me - for sure Official subs: There's no way you mean it.

Yup. Our favorite word is back. Fadel has repeatedly thrown it into Style's face that Style tricked him and now Style is turning Fadel's words back around on him. And it's not in a malicious way, no, Style is affectionately teasing Fadel with it and also being a bit of a little shit and also, as I just said, I do think Style is also lowkey worried that Fadel is in fact just tricking him. And I do think Style wants to confirm that this is not the case. By the way, I'm not sure Style's tease even registered in Fadel's brain, because he's so stressed and he's already moving to walk into the water the moment the words "I'm gone" are out of Style's mouth. As Fadel walks up to him in the water, Style watches him with a happy, expectant expression on his face. That expression turns serious as Fadel approaches him.

Style's behavior just now as he was walking into the ocean was very playful, very silly in order to get Fadel to loosen up and to lose his grumpiness a bit and to get Fadel to climb down from his hill of stubbornness. But what he has to say Fadel is actually very serious: "I promise you that, from now on, you'll only see the 100% real me." I think this is a big relief for Style, because we saw how much he was longing to be able to talk freely about everything with Fadel as far back as episodes 5 and 6. Fadel says "Besides work, I've been real to you from day one" and Style just looks at him without replying, because Fadel is kind of right. Although, it's not like Style could just say it, because apart from the deal with the car, the whole being a police snitch was Kant's thing, not Style's and so it was Kant's secret to spill. And it's not like Style could have just told Fadel Kant's secret, because Kant would have been a dead man right there and then. Style got as close as he could to spilling the secret without actually spilling it and I think especially that night at the rock concert Style would have like nothing more than to come clean and to stop Fadel from going on that mission, but it would have been at the cost of Kant's life and only two scenes ago we saw that Style will not have that.

As much as Style was Style for walking into the ocean just like that, Fadel is also Fadel and of course can't let this go without making another threat: "If you don't stay true to me after this, you'll find out how I deal with liars."

If you aren't real with me after this, you better watch out. หลังจากเนี้ยถ้ามึงไม่เรียลกับกู มึงเจอดีแน่ [lăng jàak - níia - tâa - mueng - mâi - riial - gàp - guu • mueng - jer - dii - nâe] after - this - if - you - not - real - with - me • you - meet - good - for sure

Bye the way, I'm not sure how obvious it is to non-Thai speakers, but whenever they talk about "being real" they actually use the English word "real". And I just wanted to put the Thai wording here, because Fadel also uses the anglicism "real" here when the subs talk about "staying true". Also, his threat is way less elaborate. Literally, the threat translates to something like "to meet good" (like, you'll meet something good as in something bad will happen to you).

Style doesn't talk back. He stays quiet. And I think it's because at this point there isn't really a lot he can say. It's true that he hadn't been real with Fadel and so he quietly accepts his fate. Style then also huffs a little and looks at Fadel fondly. Because even if Fadel just threatened him again, it still implied that they really will have a "from now on" together. And that makes Style happy. That's exactly what he just walked into the ocean for. After a moment, Fadel prompts Style to get out of the water before his wound gets infected. And now Style starts talking back again and teases Fadel: "Even when you're threatening me, you're worried about me."

And here I wanna share the literal wording again, because it reminds me of some other scenes. And let me just explain this one word before I do... So where the subs say "threatening", Style uses the word โหด [hòht] which is a word I actually discussed with my Thai friend after episode 7 and he explained that it can be translated in a few different ways depending on context, but usually it means "cruel" or "aggressive" or "brutal". I'm gonna go with "harsh" as a translation to have some consistency, because I feel like this word could work for all the lines that I'm about to drop.

In episode 4, when Style showed up in the kitchen he told Fadel:

No matter how harsh you are, I'm still hooked on you. มึงโหดแค่ไหนอ่ะ กูก็ยังติดใจมึงอยู่ดี [mueng - hòht - kâe năi - àh • guu - gôh - yang - dtìt-jai - mueng - yùu dee] you - harsh - how much - [particle] • I - [sentence link] - still - hooked - you - anyway Official subs: It doesn't matter how scary you are, I'm still hooked.

Then, in episode 7 when Fadel surprise attacked Style with a shower of kisses at the garage, Fadel had following complaint to Style:

When I'm sweet, you don't like it. ตอนกูหวานมึงก็ไม่ชอบ [dton - guu - wăan - mueng - gôr - mâi - chôp] when - I - sweet - you - [sentence link] - not - like Official subs: You don't like me being nice. When I'm harsh, you still scold me. ตอนกูโหดมึงก็ด่ากู [dton - guu - hòht - mueng - gôr - dàa - guu] when - I - harsh - you - [sentence link] - scold - me Official subs: You complain when I'm cold.

Now in episode 9, Style's words are very reminiscent of that complaint:

Even when you're this harsh, you're still sweet with me. นี่ขนาดโหดนะเนี่ย ยังหวานกับกูเลย [nîi - kà-nàat hòht - ná - nîia • yang - wăan - gàp - guu - loiie] [interjection] - this harsh - [particle] - [particle] • still - sweet - with - me - [particle] Official subs: Even when you're threatening me, you're worried about me.

When Style comments "How adorable", he's still teasing Fadel, but you can also clearly see just how delighted and happy he is that Fadel really seems to mean it when he says he'll give Style a chance after all. He looks at Fadel with the brightest smile. But Fadel has spent a lot of time being angry and hurt and grumpy and stubborn and so he isn't gonna be cheesy from one second to the next. And so he speaks out another (very empty, almost joking) threat as he warns Style he can be worse. "You want that?" Style says no. But if Fadel is already letting him put in requests, then Style wants Fadel to use only his sweet side.

From now on I want you to use only your sweet side. ต่อไปนี้กูอยากให้มึงใช้แต่ด้านหวาน [dtòh bpai níi - guu - yàak - hâi - mueng - chái - dtàe - dâan wăan] from now on - I - want - that - you - use - only - sweet side Official subs: From now on, I just want to see you being lovey-dovey.

This actually makes Fadel laugh a bit and ask for clarification and when he looks at Style after that, his face is suddenly so much softer. Style explains: "In a situation like this, if we weren't fighting, what would you like to do to me?" He smiles at Fadel, his face expectant and mixed with almost a sort of innocence like Oh, this is totally not an implicit request for you to kiss me and it also has a bit of a challenging flair like Do you dare to kiss me? The message reaches Fadel loud and clear. He dares. As long as Style is alive he'd make Fadel kiss him again. And Style did. Fadel is kissing him. By Fadel's own choice. Style left it entirely up to him, didn't force Fadel to kiss him, didn't get physically close to him, didn't try to seduce him in any way, didn't even explicitly say the words "kiss me" out loud. In fact, Style asked "What would you like to do to me?" and Fadel could really have chosen to do anything, but what Fadel wanted to do was to kiss Style. Style may have said earlier that he'd lose to Fadel, but is Style really losing here with Fadel back at his side?

Now. The eyes. Let me address the eyes, because I've seen talk about it. Honestly, the way Style's eye keep fluttering open kinda reminds me of what I wrote about the ep6 rock concert kiss and forehead touch in my ep6 meta:

They seal that promise with a kiss. And it's interesting, because Style doesn't immediately close his eyes when Fadel goes to kiss him but instead looks at him for a moment longer. And then his eyes keep fluttering open for a moment. It's almost as if he can't tear his eyes away from Fadel, as if he can't help but use every opportunity to look at Fadel, to catch every last glimpse of Fadel while he still has the opportunity to do so. They break apart and Fadel tells Style that he's (also) very happy tonight and Style (re)confirms his own happiness. They lean their foreheads against each other. And again, Style can't really close his eyes and fully sink into the moment the way Fadel can. It's like he tries to close his eyes but they keep fluttering open a second later because he just can't keep his eyes away from Fadel, is compelled to keep looking at him while he still can, while Fadel is still right there with him. And even when they break away from each other and turn to look out of the window towards the stage, it takes Style a couple of seconds to tear his eyes away from Fadel, who is already looking elsewhere.

Except now it's the polar opposite energy. Back at the concert, it was the end for Style. Now in the water it's a (new) beginning. Back at the concert it was like Style had to savor every last look at Fadel that he could get before it was too late. Now in the water it again feels like Style just can't stop looking at Fadel, but for a different reason. I think it's undeniable that Style is deeply in love with Fadel. But Fadel started pushing him away from the moment Bison was stabbed and at first Style didn't even know what the fuck was happening, especially with how weirdly affectionate Fadel had been the day before. And from then on Fadel has just kept pushing Style away again and again, outright tried to murder him even, and then just kept refusing Style, kept refusing to believe Style no matter how much Style tried to show him just how serious he was about his feelings for Fadel and how serious he was about their relationship. Fadel was pushing Style away so much that even Style, our beacon of optimism and hope, believer in the power of love, even he was starting to get discouraged that Fadel would ever take him back. But now Fadel is here, kissing him again. Style can't believe his eyes and it's like he has to keep looking at Fadel to check that he's really not dreaming, that Fadel really is here, standing in front of him, kissing him. It's the relief that he is finally getting his Fadel back which makes him unable to stop looking at Fadel to make sure it's real.

And another aspect my mom actually mentioned when I was talking to her about this scene was that Style is also checking on Fadel. I don't remember her reasoning, but for me personally it's that Fadel has been very hot-and-cold lately, jumping from saving Style's life to pushing him away again and threatening him in the very next moment. And as I mentioned above, Fadel is not the only one with a heart that can get hurt. Style is also human, Style also has a heart, Style can also get hurt. Even if it may not seem like it through his easy-going, unserious, always optimistic personality. Style is human and Style isn't the only one here between the two of them who did something hurtful to the other. And so I think part of the reason why Style's eyes keep fluttering open is to check Fadel's reactions. Because just because Fadel is in hot-mode right now, doesn't mean he won't jump right back into cold-mode from one second to the next. And so Style has to keep checking so that he's prepared for it if it happens again, because I'm not sure Style's heart could handle it if Fadel suddenly pushed him away again now without a warning. It would be like that time Fadel dumped him in the kitchen back in episode 4, except this time Style would probably be even more hurt than back then, because now he is undeniably irrevocably deeply in love with Fadel. If Fadel pushed him away again now I think that would actually break Style for real.

But Fadel doesn't. They break apart and Fadel nuzzles his face into Style's neck for a moment (definitely kissing it) and then they lean their foreheads against each other for a while. Together again at last.

No. 8: Lore

They're back in the room and Fadel is about to finish renewing Style's bandages after their little swim in the ocean. Fadel tells Style not to do something like this again. Style smiles and says "But I gotta pull some dramatic stunt for someone like you." Fadel huffs in response but is otherwise very focused on the bandages and doesn't reply. Now that they're finally one on one again and Style is also no longer dying of pain, he uses the chance to finally, albeit hesitantly, ask about the guy on the photo in the car. One could think that Style asks out of jealousy, but to be honest, I don't think so. As I mentioned in the beginning of this meta, I think he'd have a gut feeling if that guy was someone who could actually be a potential rival. Also, there's a chance that the person on the photo was also just a family member or something, not necessarily someone Fadel was romantically involved with. Besides, Fadel did tell him that he didn't have any past lovers and that he didn't want a lover in the first place to avoid getting anyone in trouble. So I think rather than out of jealousy, Style asks out of curiosity and genuine care. Fadel has shared next to nothing about his past, but Style wants to know. His voice is full of concern, but not because he feels threatened by the guy in the photo. Instead it's genuine worry for Fadel. Style hesitates to ask and seems almost a little nervous, as if he's scared that this question will cause Fadel to shut him out again.

Fadel stares at Style for quite a long moment, then goes back to the bandage without answering Style's question. Style immediately says "I'm sorry for prying. If you don't want to tell me, I understand" and that cements it even more for me that Style isn't asking out of jealousy. Because I think if he was jealous, he'd try to find out more. I don't think he'd be all that chill with Fadel not answering his question. No, I think Style's question is him cautiously trying to learn more about Fadel's past, but Style will also respect Fadel's boundaries if Fadel isn't ready to talk about it. Especially since last time Style insisted on Fadel opening up about his past, Fadel dropped that his parents were shot dead. So when Fadel doesn't answer, Style is quick to let him know that he won't be prying this time and that Fadel doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to. And it's only then that Fadel makes the decision to open up after all. That guy is his ex. This new information has Style a little speechless as it dawns on him that Fadel lied about not having had a boyfriend before.

Once Style has processed this, he continues to ask how long Fadel had been dating this guy for and the reason why they broke up. And again, I don't think Style is bothered by the fact that Fadel does have an ex. There is so much worry and care in his voice as well as on his face while he talks and listens to Fadel. He genuinely cares to know about Fadel's past. And Fadel shares willingly and without any more hesitation: They were gonna start a life together but then the guy disappeared from one day to the other. Fadel jokes "Maybe he was scared of me, thinking I'd kill him if he broke up with me" and Style huffs and smiles a little, but that smile doesn't really reach his eyes.

Style doesn't think the joke is all that funny. He looks at Fadel fondly, but I think he also really feels for him. He feels bad for him for getting dumped like that and feels sad that Fadel thinks his past lover might have been scared of him, so terrified even that he didn't even want to confront him. And we know the latter part specifically really gets to Style, because the next thing he does is that he grabs Fadel's hand and tells him "I'm not scared of you". And Style is about to continue that sentence, but for a moment he just lets this part stand on its own, lets Fadel process that first before he goes on. Style isn't afraid of Fadel and it's important to him that Fadel knows that. Style continues to say that he hasn't been scared of Fadel since he saved the woman at the bowling alley and I call bullshit on that. I think Style stopped being afraid of Fadel by the end of episode 5 and I wrote 12k words about it. However, I do think the bowling alley incident cemented what Style was saying about Fadel being a good person last episode in the bathtub. Style ends with "You risked your life for a total stranger. I know I'm in love with the right man." And let me just...

A person who risks their own life for someone they don't even know. คนที่เอาชีวิตตัวเองไปเสี่ยงเพื่อคนที่ไม่รู้จักด้วยซ้ำ​ [kon - tîi - ao - chee-wít dtuua eng - bpai - sìiang - pêuua - kon - tîi - mâi - rúu-jàk - dûuay sám] person - that - take - one's own life - go - risk - for - person - that - not - know - even I love the right person. กูรักถูกคนแล้วละ [guu - rák - tùuk - kon - láew - lá] I - love - right - person - already - [particle]

I do much prefer the phrasing of "I love the right person", because it's not just a state of being, but it's something that Style actively does, is actively doing, has actively been doing, actively chooses to do over and over again.

Style's words really hit Fadel. And I think this time, he finally fully believes them, finally lets himself fully believe them. Fadel goes through quite the emotional journey, then grabs Style's arm and puts it over him as he lays his head in Style's lap. Fadel finally gets to be a child seeking comfort. Style's free hand immediately finds Fadel's head to stroke him. At one point Style smiles a little and shakes his head, looking a bit amused.

It's my personal headcanon that in this moment Style is remembering Bison's words about Fadel being all rough on the outside, but actually being a huge softie inside and is laughing to himself about how it's true. He currently has a very soft (and vulnerable) Fadel in his lap after all he roughness that Fadel put him through. They continue to stay like this until the end of the scene.

No. 9: Peace, Joy, Egg Cake

Allow me to bulk the last few scenes into one last section and allow me to mostly just skip over them a bit, since there isn't all that much plot happening here and it's more about the characters getting to be a little happy again at the end of this story arc before we go into the last bit (can you tell I'm just trying to get this meta done asap so I can hopefully drop it before ep10 lmao).

We got our OT4 happily playing frisbee in the water and it makes me laugh how Style's wound getting infected apparently isn't the same big problem anymore as it was the night before. It also makes me laugh how Style is apparently also perfectly capable of lifting an entire human man with that injured arm of his. I remember this one time a couple of years ago where I scraped open my entire leg and I couldn't walk on it for at least a week without being in pain, so like. Good on your pain tolerance @ Style, I guess. Same thing with Bison and his stab wound. And Fadel's sprained arm has magically healed as well, apparently. Not to mention Kant with his ocean trauma having absolutely no problem letting loose in the ocean water. This show is so unserious, I love it.

After they're done playing in the water, they sit on the shore and have a conversation about staying on the island, except Fadel reminds Bison that they still have one last job to do. Although Fadel then also says "Once we wrap up the last mission, we can go anywhere and do anything. Not sure if they'd come with us, though." For the last sentence, Fadel turns his head and says it directly into Style's face. This statement was 100000% directed at Style and Style alone, not Kant. Style stares at Fadel for a moment and then makes a face like My love, do you really even need to ask after I've followed you all the way here?

Then he says "Just tell me where, and I'll go with you." and I shake my hands at the writers in disappointment, because this would have been THE opportunity to bring back "hitman teerak". Especially because the wording is also kind of similar.

Episode 7: Tell me where you wanna go na krub, hitman-teerak. มึงอยากไปไหนอ่ะ บอกกูมาเลยนะครับนักฆ่าที่รัก [mueng - yàak - bpai - năi - àh • bòhk guu maa - loiie - ná - kráp - nák-kâa - tîi-rák] you - want - go - where - [particle] • tell me - [particle] na - krub - hitman - teerak Official subs: I'll drive you where you want me to go, my dear hitman. Episode 9: Tell me where you're going. I'm all ready to go. จะไปที่ไหนก็บอก กูพร้อมไปอยู่ละ [jà - bpai - tîi năi - gôh - bòhk • guu - próm - bpai - yùu - lá] will - go - where - [sentence link] - tell • I - ready- go - [auxillary verb] - [particle] Official subs: Just tell me where, and I'll go with you.

Please tell me, does the episode 9 sentence not scream for a "hitman teerak" drop? Does it not look a little incomplete?

Anyway, Style continues to say a very Style thing and Fadel laughs. This has Kant quite impressed. I have not gone back and checked if Kant is right about never having seen Fadel laugh, but I'm just gonna assume it's true. The only scene that I can think of where Kant may have seen Fadel laugh is at the bowling alley in episode 5, but Kant would have had to be looking at Fadel to see actually see that. Also let me just...

Please, the way Style is smiling so brightly at Fadel. He's so over the moon to have his Fadel back. With everyone being so happy and cute it just has me very worried about what next episode might have in store for them, especially considering the preview (we're not gonna have any more injuries on this show, are we? 🥺🙏).

As for Style's mood in the scene with everyone on the boat on the way back to land, I'm just gonna leave Joong's tweet here...

(Overview | Ep1+2 | Ep3 | Ep4 | Ep5 | Ep6 | Ep7 | Ep8)

[leggerefiore]

What is the most embarrassing thing each pokehusband was obsessed with a child? (roblox, one movie on repeat, a funny toy, etc.). My personal opinion is Cyrus watched a childhood cartoon on repeat but he would never admit that to his S/0... he hides his red face when replays are on I also wanted to ask, are you and the new admin dating? A comrade in arms perhaps? Thanks so much!!!!!!

she's one of my best friends, anon, haha

she's actually been the secret shadow admin for a minute in helping shape a lot of AUs. (Bugtlers, Dragon AU, Fox God AU, most Cyrus things, a few Grimsley things.) we just share a lot of interest in the Same Guys.

cw: fluff,

characters: Ingo, Emmet, Lear, Cyrus, Nanu, Colress

▲Ingo▼

● Embarrassing? Ingo struggles to think of anything that he would necessarily deem as embarrassing. Buuut, other people might find his collection of stuffed toys a little embarrassing. Emmet certainly made some faces at the growing pile on his bed during their younger years. He simply enjoyed how cute many of them were and felt comforted by their presence. It was not the most masculine of hobbies, but Ingo was not the type to be overly focused on that kind of stuff. Of course, he still has this collection, but it is a little more hidden away. They all were things slowly given to him over birthdays and various other events. The memories attached to them meant the world to him.

● Though, as an adult, he does show them to his partner, despite whatever feelings may linger about possible judgement. Really, if they love him, they would not care. But, there is a bit of hesitation in his heart mostly related to being perceived as childish. Granted, after he does, he would feel relieved if they asked pleasant questions about them after picking one up. The lack of judgement puts him at ease as he speaks about the history of each one. The most surprising thing is that he is still building onto it. They are truly important to him.

▽Emmet△

○ He blinks at the thought of something embarrassing. He is far too confident… Well, until someone sees his collection of figurines. Somehow, he got very much into video games and animated shows and started collecting various characters that he enjoyed. Why is he embarrassed? Well, because he feels that he outgrew most of them, but also simply because he remembers getting strange looks during his youth from his classmates. Really, he cherishes them for what they are, but those feelings from his development struggle to leave. They are kept hidden away in his room on a shelf, and he will admit to forgetting to dust sporadically.

○ Will his partner find out? Yes, absolutely, to his dismay. They likely poke around his room and find it. He tries to pretend that it is something he has been meaning to get rid of, far too embarrassed and flooded with memories from his younger years. When they instead ask about a show or game character they recognise, Emmet feels more at ease. A discussion begins, and he realises they are not judging him at all but rather interested. His front breaks, and he happily chats with them. It seems he finally feels that stigma is broken in his mind – At least with his partner.

👑Lear💎

🪙 The prince declares he has nothing embarrassing about him. It is also no one's business. Except, maybe… No. He refuses to even consider such a thing embarrassing. No, he will not say it. The answer? Well, he had a blanket he was quite obsessed with as a child. Of all the things he could take to his horrible school, this was one of the few. It brought him such comfort through the worst of it all. Yet… It is not very kingly to derive comfort from such a thing. So, he keeps his lips closed about such a thing still being present in his quarters. The blanket was one of the few things he could recall his mother gifting to him, so he never will truly let it go.

🪙 He struggles to admit such a thing to a partner. The idea of being judged for his possession bothers him. Though, it does clearly stand out among the other lavish gatherings on his bed. It is more of a small quilt than anything, made of varying fabrics and patterns. The homely-ness of it seems out of place to his tastes. Picking it up results in him panicking and snatching it from them. A simple explanation of it being his and important leads to more questions. Eventually, he breaks and explains the history of it. This results in them likely finding it sweet and telling him that it is adorable. This makes his face turn red and him stomping off. While still holding the blanket.

🌌Cyrus🛰

☄️ Cyrus's embarrassment is quite simple... A certain toy robot is on his desk. It is brought between work and home, but it is always there. The toy is simple and cute, likely made by a child. There is no function of it anymore, but he will never toss it out. Why? Such fond memories are attached to it. Memories he will never admit to, yet linger in his mind when he least wants them to. A simpler time in his life where he dared allow himself to be playful and to have… He stops himself from remembering. It hurts too much to recall.

☄️ So, when his partner comments on the toy sitting on his desk, he tenses up. Embarrassment floods his heart for having something so childish linger around him. Yet, when they just ask about it without any clear judgement, he simply explains that he has a few memories attached to it. This intrigues them more, naturally, but he is simply biting his tongue with little interest in going into the specifics. All he says is that a friend used to play with him with the toy. More questions than answers. Cyrus never really feels able to elaborate, not with the intense, horrible emotions in his chest. The toy robot remains, at least.

🐈‍⬛️Nanu❤️‍🩹

🌑 When he was a boy? That far back? He struggles to recall anything. Well… A certain cute cat character unfortunately pops into his mind. It was mostly popular among women and girls, but he simply found himself interested in the simple design. He had quite a few figures in his home as decoration and maybe a charm or two on his bag. Nothing is overly noticeable. He could never admit to enjoying it. It was far too embarrassing and almost seemed like a waste of money to him. Yet, he still picked up a few items.

🌑 As an adult, the brand is still around, and he notes that Acerola quite enjoys it. Under the guise of getting gifts for her, he often buys himself one or two things while giving the rest to her. Granted, he gets flustered when his partner picks up one of the figures sitting candidly in his home. His immediate excuse for it being for Acerola falls through when they mention having seen it a few times during their visits. It is then that he admits through gritted teeth that he just likes the design. He expects to be teased, but when they just nod and admit it is cute, he feels shocked. Then, he gets immediately over it and realises that his partner would be the last person to judge him over his interests.

🥼Colress🛸

🧪 His obsession when he was a child? Mostly mad scientists. Is he embarrassed? Only about the incorrect science. Really, looking back on his fascination, he feels more flustered about the incorrect concepts used than the fact he was fascinated with villainous characters. A testament to his future nature as someone who does not necessarily align themselves with morality. Sporadically, while in public places, old movies will play on displays, and he finds himself taken back. Silently, he tries to pretend not to be mildly annoyed with the inaccuracies present. That is more annoying than his own previous fascination.

🧪 He simply tells his partner about it while some old movie plays on the television. It really is not some shocking revelation to anyone who knows him. Really, he could almost fit the archetype if he did not keep himself within the basis of reality. He does mention something about wanting to make more hybrid pokemon, which gets a stare from them. Later, he will admit with little embarrassment that he outgrew the interest because he could not stand the lack of actual science. He feels confident in speaking to them since he has already established a bond with them. Once again, they are not surprised since it is Colress.

[fangirl-docintraining]

Pleaseeeeeee share with us some of your thoughts on bi Darry!! (if you’re willing ❤️)

I’m always willing to yap 😂

Keep in mind guys these are just thoughts/opinions so

Listen do I think that Darry and Paul being so close in high school and probs a bit codependent lead to them being more than just besties? Yes. Yes I do. Paul be holding wayyyy too much of a grudge coming back to get in a high school fight as his big age in the book just for fun, bro was specifically wanting to see Darry I think. Don’t get me started on the musical because if book Paul was being a bit obsessed, musical Paul straight up beating up Darry’s little brother like bro… you’re so mad about Darry rn you’re making it everyone’s problem 😂

All to say, he def had a little crisis in high school cause he had feelings for, and probably had at least made out with Paul a few times. Idk if it went any further in my mind, because they’re both stuck in a society where there’s already greaser vs soc expectations and then there’s a lot of repression about different sexualities so. I think they’d be a bit repressed and kinda toxic about it. Ie make out and then act like it meant nothing (Paul probably did this, Darry probably got feelings and then moved on when he realized they could never work)

So Darry moves on from Paul because that goes down in a blaze of glory in high school imo, senior year Darry gets boy of the year and Paul just crashes out.

Darry does some soul searching (to the best of his abilities given the internalized homophobia of the time) and comes to the conclusion there have been a few men he finds attractive, but leans more towards women and is content to see himself with a girl, so he sorta just represses the male attraction as a survival instinct.

Then we have him and Betty and they’re adorable and perfect etc etc and we love them

Darry really doesn’t think about it again UNTIL in my little head I think what would go down is, Steve and Soda get reckless, as is in their nature. And Darry catches them making out in the dark on the front porch one night and just about has a heart attack

Like bro pulls them in the front door by the shirt collars, Soda’s already crying, Steve’s ready to go down swinging.

He launches into a LONG rant about how could yall be so stupid and reckless and what the hell were you thinking

And Soda is fuckin devastated and like inconsolable

And Darry is like ‘Soda crying is not going to get you out of getting grounded for being reckless,I’m not falling for it’ (cause Darry, our oblivious lovable protective older brother forgot the part where Soda is scared shitless rn, he just thinks soda’s upset cause Darry’s gonna ground his ass for doing that shit out in the open where they could get seen by less friendly eyes)

And then Soda is like u aren’t gonna kick me out? And Darry’s like I’m trying to lock you inside rn tf you mean kick you out?? And then he realizes and is like OH WAIT

He has to console them both for a long while, and explain that he’s not mad at them for doing that, but for the love of all that’s holy can they do it inside where it’s SAFE

Soda’s just in disbelief and he’s like trying to understand how Darry is taking this so well and he’s like how

Darry’s too busy trying to calm them down that he mentions something about Paul and whatever tf those two did and is like I am not a hypocrite Soda 😂 and Soda has like this ah ha! Moment™️

Which it’s all very wholesome and sweet and Darry is like I do not care what yall do but you cannot be stupid about it

And then soda has his heart attack and he’s like DOES BETTY KNOW?!?!

Darry: no..?? Soda: BUT IF YOU LIKED PAUL THEN

Soda is relieved to find out Darry indeed likes both, and is still very much in love with his girlfriend.

Ponyboy is asleep through all this, bro is more oblivious than Darry, he doesn’t realize either of his brothers have any interest in men and if he does every talk to them about his own sexuality he’s scared shuttles and they’re both like….????? Bro… r u serious? Steve and Soda got in the shower together…

Darry does talk to Betty about it, he feels like she has a right to know, but he’s terrified and like repeatedly expressing he’s in love with her and finds her attractive and he finally explains that he sorta likes both and she’s like Okay 😌 and he’s bamboozled

Betty’s mom has an uncle who’s lived with his ‘roommate’ for like twenty years in New York, she’s chillin. She’s def been a bit curious about girls herself, but never felt strongly enough to do anything about it.

All three brothers in this particular little iteration I’ve just rambled about def still have a lot of shit to work through but here ya go? Idk come at me yall but don’t yell at me 😂

[candyswirls]

Can we get Neoth panicking about Lilith's existence and thinking her a monster before realizing she's just like any other ten year old when she starts purring in his lap?

Well, and animalistic as well as cannibalistic due to the blood drinking, but she's fine, she just has the same markings as some African grass finch chicks have-

He rested his head on his fist, watching his grandchild. What did he do to merit this within her?

She had happily given him a wide, opened mouth smile. Those spots within her mouth and cheeks... inhuman. He felt guilt as she saw his expression and quickly pulled back.

What did this mean, though?

His mind ran through all the various gene-splicing he'd done when creating his sons. Was it his decision? What about Amar and Erda? No, he closely monitored the project.

This had to be his fault. Sanguinius had been worried. She wasn't growing and was turning a sickly pale shade. Weaker than usual. Duller.

She seemed interested enough in her hobbies, and he gladly indulged in it. He offered her a skull to carve into. He'd have been worried if this interest had Dorn not told him how they bonded over the shared aspect of each other's cultures.

Still, he questioned if this was the surface of something for more morbid.

She sat at the base of the throne steps.

"I usually use the tibia or humerus," she stated as she inspected the designs around the eye sockets.

"Not the femur?" He questioned, trying to keep the conversation going. He wouldn't ignore or dismiss her.

"No," she said. "It's too bulky for the types of designs and artistic vision I have. The really hard part is the small bones, though, like fingers. Lots of little details, and I am bigger than baselines. You have to be careful not to break them. It's considered bad luck and disrespectful to the dead."

He nodded slowly even though she couldn't see.

She continued, "Some say that I could just use astartes skeletons, but they don't offer their own for such purposes, and the ceramic infused bones are hard to carve into."

He raised a brow, "The bones are donated. An interesting aspect."

She looked up at him, "It's seen as a great honor to become a work of art and its also an honor to do it for someone. If you ever wanted I could carve your bones."

He stared a moment, and she laughed, "As if you'd ever die! No, but I think it's important to have that promise there."

He had seen the markings again but forced a smile through, "I am flattered at your offer. No doubt you would do well with my bones."

He was the master of mankind but right now, he had another important duty. Being a grandfather.

She stood and skipped up the steps. She kneeled at the throne, resting her elbows on his lap.

"Since it won't happen, I can show you what I'd do," she stated excitedly.

She pointed out each carving on the skull and what it meant. What she would do for him. How she would do things differently than this skull and others she'd carved into.

"I could use xenos or animal bones too and make you something," she offered. "I just need to find some really good ones."

Her glee was obvious.

He stroked her head, "Your father is very proud, I'm sure. I am as well. You take great care in your work. A worthy endeavor."

A smile crossed her face and she rested a head on his lap.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

He got the distinct impression that she needed to hear that. He continued stroking her head and hair and noticed a low and soothing rumble coming from Lilith. Purring. Like so many of his sons could do.

This put himself at ease as well. She'd be alright. She was very much a child. Only caring for her interests and wanting to have validation. She bore no ill will, and he'd have time to figure out something if anything did happen.

He just hoped there wasnt any romantic traditions with this. Throne forbid the day she developed a crush.

[toasttt11]

jealous?

June 30, 2023

Hayden was driving Luke and her back from the airport as they stayed two days longer in Tennessee than Jack, Quinn, Jim and Ellen.

They were heading to the lake house that will be filled with friends and teammates within a few days, right now only Trevor, Alex, Cole and Matt are at the lake house having got there all yesterday.

Luke and Hayden grabbed their bags heading inside and was not surprised to not find anyone inside and saw everyone outside.

Archie came running in to Hayden and Luke and they both petted her.

Luke and Hayden went upstairs to their rooms and dropped their bags off and they both changed into swimsuits and headed downstairs.

“Hay Hay!” Cole yelled seeing Hayden first and he ran over to his best friend squeezing her so tightly her feet lifted off the floor.

“Cole!” Hayden laughed squeezing him back.

“Move i want a hug.” Trevor whined pushing Cole away and pulling Hayden into a hug spinning her around.

Hayden laughed use to Trevor always spinning her around and the second he set her back down Alex was hugging her squeezing her tightly rocking her back and forth.

Matt waited patiently as he always does and smile his soft smile reserved for Hayden and opened up his arms letting Hayden fall into his arms, “Hello Hart Trophy winner.” Matt whispered teasing making Hayden’s cheek darken slightly and her smile turn softer and she squeezed him once more.

“Hi Matty.” Hayden shared a soft smile with Matt before hugging Quinn and Jack before she was immediately pulled into the water by Trevor and Alex.

All of them spent most of the afternoon messing around outside in the lake until Trevor whined enough about going to the bar that everyone started to agree.

Hayden just came out down in a simple outfit, blue jean shorts, black cropped tank top and her black converse she uses specifically for bars and parties mostly during the summer and her hair was half up in a french braid.

Hayden offered to drive as she doesn’t drink often and everyone squished in and Hayden drive them to their favorite bar in Michigan.

Hayden shook her head to herself seeing Luke looking comfortable heading into a bad and it still shocks her sometimes how her baby brother isn’t a baby anymore.

Hayden walked in and plopped down next to Quinn in a corner booth, usually where she stays most bar nights with Quinn or they do darts with Luke until one of the other boys drag them into something. Alex plopped down next to Quinn seeing fine to just sit and drink.

Jack and Cole ended up coming over and scooting into the booth.

Trevor sprawled over Cole and Jack.

Matt and Luke came over together as they had a drink for Quinn and Hayden, Luke squeezed in between Hayden and Quinn and Matt sat down next to Hayden.

Matt smiled as one of Hayden’s favorite Noah Kahan songs came on and he stood up making Hayden look at him and he just grinned holding out his hand.

There was reason this became the groups favorite bar because it’s a dancing bar and most of them love dancing.

“Absolutely not.” Hayden playfully scoffed, she is not a dancer.

Matt just smiled and leaned forward grabbing her waist gently and pulled her out of the booth making her stand up, Hayden squeaked so shocked by his actions.

Trevor started cackling watching Matt just pick Hayden up and take her to the dance floor.

Hayden couldn’t help but laugh as Matt pulled her closed and spun her out making Matt beam seeing her laughing.

Jack’s face softened seeing how happy his sister was as he shared a look with Quinn.

“You think Hay feels the same yet?” Alex asked curiously watching the two with an interested look. He doesn’t see Hayden and Matt together much anymore but he knows they are still very close. They all knew of Matt’s feelings for Hayden but were always unsure what Hayden felt.

“Maybe they are together?” Trevor suggested he’s noticed the change between Matt and Hayden over the last few years and has been waiting for them to be together.

“No they aren’t. Hayden would say something.” Jack firmly said he knows Hayden would never keep something like from him or their brothers. He knows she doesn’t realize her feelings for Matt yet but he had a feeling she would soon.

“I ain’t proud of all the punches that i’ve thrown.” Hayden sung quietly as Matt pulled her closer again and his hands rested on her lower back.

Matt spun her around and he had the most sappy look on his face seeing her laugh.

Matt pulled her back and his nose just nudged against her neck and his heart squeezed painfully as he doesn’t get to have Hayden like this when he wants and not how he truly wants.

Hayden glanced up at Matt with her bright sparkling smile and her eyes shining happily and she titled her head feeling her heart beating out of her chest but she wasn’t sure if it was because of the dancing or as her nose brushed just slight against Matt’s nose.

Matt breath got caught in his throat being so close to her and he opened his mouth to say something when he felt a weird hand on his arm and he flinched away making Hayden pull back and out of his touch.

They both turned to see a girl standing there a lot shorter than Matt and long black hair, “I thought you could use a better dance partner.” She smiled sweetly up at Matt.

Hayden raised her eyebrow at the girl but didn’t say anything use to other girls being rude to her because of her friendship with her boys.

Matt immediately started shaking his head, he did not want to dance with anyone that is not Hayden, “Oh no it’s okay i’ve got a partner already.” Matt quickly and awkwardly stammered out.

Hayden clenched her hand unknowingly and shook her head confused why she feels just annoyed, “It’s okay have fun Matt.” Hayden’s tone was a bit colder than usually and she didn’t realize as she sent a tight smile and turned away letting out a lot breath.

Hayden is completely overwhelmed with the amount of emotions she is feeling in the last few minutes, she walked over to the table not noticing how the entire table was watching her.

“I’m gonna walk back and get some rest.” Hayden told the table and nodded walking away.

Jack gave Luke a look, “I’ve got it.” Jack muttered reassuringly to Luke who was worried about Hayden and Jack hopped out of the booth following after Hayden.

Jack just looped arms with Hayden not saying anything letting Hayden process what she needs to.

Hayden missed how Matt completely ignored the girl and finally got her to leave him alone and headed back to the table seeing Hayden gone.

Hayden was confused, she felt her heart beating out of her chest dancing with Matt and rush of emotions and suddenly she felt annoyed and almost jealous.

Was she jealous? why would she be jealous?

Matt can date whoever he wants, Hayden doesn’t have feelings for him so why would she be jealous. She shook her head knowing she couldn’t be jealous.

[ragnarockz]

OK WELL!

I had this sitting in my docs and never got back around to it, didn't know where to move in direction so I just left it (and then wrote 2 more things after this so, obviously this one didn't strike me BUT), it's 'complete' enough to share and so...

@lilithschosen to feed those brain worms 🧠🪱

The prompt was You look good on your knees like this

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You look good on your knees like this,”

Agent Vidal quipped as she took off her sunglasses and planted them neatly on the top of her head. She tossed Agnes a flashy smile, crossing her arms over her chest. Both Vidal and Agnes heard Herb coughing behind her that eventually drew out a semi-awkward silence from the rest of the team; one that rattled around the crime scene. Agent Vidal made sure she had spoken her words loud enough for everyone to hear, especially Agnes.

Agnes shook her head; still down on her knees as she scooped up a scrap of torn fabric with her tweezers off of the forest floor. Possible evidence; she concluded not too long ago. But now, either Agent Vidal was getting restless or she had other plans on her mind that were dead-set on pushing Agnes’ buttons. At a crime scene. In front of her other colleagues. During billable work hours.

“Thanks, Agent. Can’t promise you I’ll be able to get back up off of them though; these knees aren’t what they used to be,”

That drew out a few laughs; calming everyone back down, smoothing those ruffled feathers of what was daring to be a heated, almost intimate moment between the two women. Agnes glanced up at Vidal who was a little ways away from her, shaking her head and silently mouthing ‘fuck you’ in jest. Agent Vidal smiled a little bigger, silently mouthing back to Agnes, ‘soon’. That made Agnes clear her throat as she quickly sealed up the evidence bag and got up from her knees in one quick movement, turning her back to Vidal so she could mentally and physically collect herself. Agent Vidal, Agnes noticed, was more interested in finding new ways to get her hot and bothered in public. At the station, at a crime scene, even the few times they went out to grab a quick lunch or a coffee. It was getting more and more risky; the things she would say in front of other people would make them stop and stare; run the words through their brain and always come away with a look on their face that screamed it wasn’t cutesy teasing words but words of lust. Words of want. Agent Vidal was hungry and stalking her prey and Agnes, whether she asked for it or not, was caught in the crosshairs; targeted out in front of everyone else to see and hear. Agent Vidal wasn’t scared of leaving witnesses to her admiration towards the Detective.

Agnes regrouped with her team, handing off her evidence to the lab girl; her collection kit back to Herb. Everyone knew what they had to do and they got to it, filing out of the woods back to their cars they had all parked on the side of the road. Agnes and Vidal lingered back until everyone else had cleared out; leaving the two of them in the beautiful forest.

“We should get a hit on that fabric later this evening, maybe? Just before our shift ends?”

“Maybe…hey, what do you say to grabbing an early lunch and then swinging back to the motel to eat it?”

“Hopefully there's some blood or DNA we can use, something to tie whoever was out here…”

“Or, we can pick up something and go back to your office; you've been really liking it in there lately.”

Agnes turned her head to look at Vidal, searching her face,

“Like ‘it’ in there? Like what in there, Agent?”

“Me, Detective. You like me in there…sitting at your desk, on the couch…under your desk…”

Agnes’ eyebrows shot up, recalling that moment from last week. They had almost gotten caught. Again. Agnes barely had time to zip up her jeans; the dull ache between her legs called her back to her desk but there had been an abrupt and familiar knock on her office door and she knew it was the Chief. She had scrambled to get to the door, face flushed and hair messier than usual. She hoped the Chief didn't notice as he passed along a new result of some evidence they had collected earlier in the week. Agnes mumbled a few thank yous before closing the door behind him. She had let out a loud sigh, her eyes darting back to her desk where Agent Vidal was waiting obediently underneath it.

And now, here was Agent Vidal a week later asking her the same thing. Agnes eyed the Agent curiously, trying to crack whatever it was that propelled her to want things this way. She couldn't put her finger on it.

“Agent Vidal, if you want to go back to the station just so you can fuck me in my office-”

“I do, actually, that's what I was asking.”

Vidal loved, craved to see Agnes all hot and bothered. It was working again. Her words twisted the Detectives face into want, need. She was playing it all out in her head. Vidal flashed her a quick smile before she started walking past her,

“I’ll drive us back, come on.”

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[interact-if]

Hi, does anyone know if A World Without You by @jaunefleurwrites is still active and where I can find the it? It's the one where tge MC was diagnosed with terminall illness and found a romantic interest in a small town. I've kept it in my tab for a long while, but now that I wanted to play it, it seems to be gone.

Hmm, unfortunately @jaunefleurwrites (I remember them fondly!) seems to now be a deactivated account, so I don’t have the answer to this, sadly—but if anyone has more information, feel free to share!

[villanious-gay-ghost]

I think I've figured out how to let go

(originally posted on Reddit by me, but I thought I'd share it here as well)

Doesn't apply to everyone!!! We all have different journeys and different things that work for us! These are just some thoughts, take them with a grain of salt. If it doesn't resonate with you, then it's not for you.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently because I felt like I'm trying to control too much of my DR to the point that it has become an obsession. For almost three years, I've been doing the same thing over and over again. I create myself a DR with the perfect life, perfect backstory, perfect S/O, perfect family, etc. It's all so perfect and planned out that it has no room for growth. When you have everything, that's just not fun.

Then when all the planning and scripting is done, I lose interest, and it's not getting me anywhere. No matter how perfect these DRs are, they feel distant, unrealistic, and unreachable. They're just too good to be true. I'm sure that such realities exist, but for me, it's not a realistic goal YET because I'm clearly struggling to get there. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and I'm trying to come up with a solution for that.

So if my DR is already perfect, then what else is left to do? Nothing. It's not an authentic experience anymore. Perhaps the hardest part is admitting to myself that I don't want the perfect DR or an ideal version of myself because that's what I've been chasing the entire time. The easy way, where I have everything, but it's just not what I want.

I want the human experience where I can find true immersion, where I have no knowledge of the outcome. I want to live, to exist.

Shifting is life. You're not an actor trying to act out a script. It's not just some fantasy, we're talking about reality. But life isn't something that you can plan, is it? There's always something that we can't predict because that's just how it is.

So what is letting go?

Letting go is when you specify only the basics in order to create a grounded reality. You define who you are, where you want to go, create a general idea of your life, maybe who your parents and siblings are, but you let the rest naturally unfold. You don't stress about the little details, you don't make a 20 pages long script.

Put that script aside for a bit. You don't plan your younger brother's personality, you don't plan your neighbor's eyebrow color, you don't plan how many bathrooms your house has, the types of plants your high school biology teacher kept in her classroom, you don't plan your number of friends, or the brand of your first car. You don't plan. You absolutely can do all those things, and having a script doesn't necessarily mean that you're obsessed with control. But if you're like me and that's not working for you, then maybe try considering going back to basics. You don't need specifics to connect to your DR.

It's hard, I know, because we want to be in control and all that. But you're letting go by not trying to control every aspect of your DR. Trust yourself, trust the universe, trust shifting, trust whatever you believe in and let go of your limitations. Create a reality for yourself, a place where you genuinely want to live.

But if you only have the basics, then how do you shift? That doesn't seem enough, but, in theory, it should be. True, you don't have specifics, but you still have the key, the most important thing that you need in order to shift: yourself.

Just lay down, relax, focus on your breathing if that helps. Let go of the details, don't think about them because they're only holding you back. Focus on the idea, the concept of a better reality where you're safe, cared for, and happy. You don't need a method, you don't need to visualize. Just feel and trust that it's happening. Feel the peace and feel the shift pulling you in.

Hope this helps someone. Start open and go living!

[bisexualbaker]

Finding friends and things to do on Dreamwidth

I made a different post about this at an earlier time, but honestly, I think I can do better now.

Anyway! One of the things that sucks about moving social media and/or blogging platforms is not knowing if there will be enough activity for you at the new place. Be it from old friends, new friends, or interactive communities, there's a lot of ways you could find activity at a new place, but finding at least two of those categories can be tricky in itself.

Luckily, Dreamwidth has a few shortcuts for you already!

Adding new people to your reading page and finding new friends:

addme: Straight up a place to find new "mutuals" on Dreamwidth, with no particular focus; a good place to start!

addme_fandom: Same as above, but with a specific fandom focus! Interested in a particular fandom right now and want more people to talk about it with? Here's a good place to find fellow fans!

fandomcalendar: This is a community dedicated to announcing fandom events, which can include fandom-specific friending memes. (I'll be linking this one again later, as well.)

Getting started on Dreamwidth:

newcomers: A community dedicated specifically to helping Dreamwdth newcomers find their way around on a new site! I believe it was launched around the time Cohost was being shut down, so a lot of the people there now are Cohost "refugees", but it's still a good place to start.

dw_news: The official Dreamwidth news community. I highly recommend following this one and the next one, which will help you keep up with what's going on around Dreamwidth. DW News typically only posts a few times a year, but maybe that'll change if a bunch of new users come by...

dw_maintenance: Keep up with the mechanical goings-on at Dreamwidth! If there's a planned site outage or if DW is updating code, you can find out more here; if there's something funky going on at Dreamwidth but the site is generally still usable, it's also a good place to check.

Things to do on Dreamwidth:

dw_community_promo: The official Dreamwidth community for promoting Dreamwidth communities! People will promote new communities here, as well as events going on in established communities. A good place to find out about new things in general.

followfriday: A place to share links to check out once a week. Did you find a cool community that you want more people to know about? Link it in the comments here!

justcreate: A place where you can talk about things you're working on. There's a weekly check-in/reporting post, but sometimes people also organize body doubling sessions and other productivity-boosting things.

queerly_beloved: An anti-exclusionist queer space to get together and talk about all things queer, including intersectional matters. Hosts a weekly recommendations thread, but more and other content is very welcome!

Fandom things to do on Dreamwidth:

fandomcalendar: I linked this above, and I'm linking it again: Want to know about fandom events that are going on at Dreamwidth? This is a good place to do it! It'll also fill up your reading page in a hurry; you might be surprised at how many events are going on at Dreamwidth, or are at least connected there!

fictional_fans: A community for all fans and fandoms. If you've got a post you want to make about fandom in general, or a specific fandom that doesn't have its own community, this might be a good place to check out.

fandom_on_dw: Pretty much the same as above, honestly, but it's good that there's more than one place that hosts this kind of thing!

Anything else?

Search Interests: Individuals and communities can have lists of things they're "interested in". If more than one person has that thing listed, it may turn into a hyperlink that you can click to find other accounts with! You can also use the Search Interests function pretty much the same way. Simply type "cats" into the search bar, hit enter, and a bunch of accounts that have "cats" listed as an interest will pop up!

The Latest Things Page: Literally the latest things posted publicly anywhere on Dreamwidth. There's a list of commonly used tags at the top, if you want to narrow things down at all, but in the mean time, it can be pretty neat to see what J. Random Dreamwidth User just posted about!

The Explore Tab: Useful links for Dreamwidth in general. In addition to linking to the Latest Things Page, it can take you to a random account, the FAQ page, and more! Worth checking out if you're feeling lost.

And that's all I can think of at the moment! This should help you get started at least, and help fill out your reading page a bit.

If you still have questions or want to do more, you can check out my Dreamwidth 101 tag; I'm also happy to at least try to answer any questions myself. I'm pretty sure I've got a few "Dreamwidth for Tumblrites" guides linked in my Dreamwidth 101 section, if nothing else...

[eveningspirit]

We got skills, baby!

I think this was my favorite episode to date. Almost all characters had nice moments and writing feels solid across the board. Save for Santos, that is.

I can't decide if she's just that kind of "person", or if writing for her is weak, but she feels so one-dimensional. I thought I would like her, because characters who seem unlikeable tug at my heartstrings. They must have some redeeming qualities, though, meanwhile she's... just mean. And self-important. Idek. Judgment is still out, but if they don't make some sort of plot twist with her very soon, I'm gonna go with "bad writing".

Mel was awesome helping Whitaker with his blister guy. Self assured and upbeat. She knew what she was doing, kept her cool, stayed on top of things and did it all with such an air of someone who's right where they belong. Loved it! And I love her.

With the old lady, and especially her caregiver daughter, she came off too stiff, though, and technical. But I guess, when it comes to emotional connection with patients, she's not going to excell.

The way, say, McKay does. The way she approached her patient, sharing just enough of her own life story to get that woman to open up -- that was amazing. McKay is growing on me with each episode. Indeed, like Langdon said "Cassie, she's great". Even her putting Victoria in her place felt right. A bit raw and pain-filled, but she course corrected, because, well, Victoria is still learning. And she has a lot to learn -- mostly things she won't find in books.

Speaking of doctors connecting with patients, Dr. Mohan was her usual caring self and it's so heartwarming. Btw, the wives were wonderful too. It's rare to see someone suffering the way Joyce is with sickle cell, and at the same time having a good life, being loved, having everything to live and fight for. No, her illness doesn't define her. She's a "mom" to a "bougie bitch", she loves Ondine. Their story is one I'm most interested in among the patients, and I hope we see her improving by the end of the shift.

The interaction between Dr. Collins and Dr. Mohan was pretty great too. And here's where I can confidently say that writing for this show is very good (and that's why I'm still rooting for character development of Dr. Santos). The way Collins apologized, and told Mohan to "never change" and "you do you, Dr. Mohan" -- that was true character growth. And we've known those characters for six hours! We never witnessed their animosities, or Collins giving Mohan that nickname "Slow-Mo". Nevertheless, that scene had impact.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention Langdon. Each scene where he and YoYo (Dr. Garcia) argue and bicker brightens my day. As did the one in this episode, when he finally didn't let her "crice" and instead McGyvered intubation with Dr. Robby's help. I'm a sucker for his entusiasm and joy he gets from his work.

I loved his scenes with Robby's son Jake, too. They had such a big brother / little brother vibe. Or two twelve-year-olds fooling around, lol. That warm welcome and their whole interaction made me wonder how long had Langdon known Robby. Because it certainly doesn't feel like four years of residency. There's more history there (no, not that kind, eeeeww)

Yeah, I think that's all I wanted to say about this episode. Looking forward to the next one. :)

[ginnyw-potter]

Do you consider yourself a Harry Potter fan? Ginny Weasley was a fan of him as a child, just because he's a character from books. Ginny wants this character for herself and continues to "never give up on dreaming about him." It's a pitiful sight, as she hasn't overcome her childish behavior. There is not a single example where it would be shown that Ginny loves Harry just like that. And you know what?! After everything Harry's been through, he needs a normal family of his own, which Ginny definitely can't give. Ginny is absolutely not kind. She calmly insults, ridicules, and physically beats people. Ginny is "understanding" only when it suits her. So you're Harry's biggest hater if you want Ginny Weasley for his wife. Ginny wouldn't even have looked at Harry if Harry wasn't Harry Potter, a hero.

Ginny Weasley sucks

hahah anon I turned my anon asks back on less than a day ago. I must occupy so much space in that brain of yours

I hope you heal from whatever ails you, anon.

Ginny's first meeting him she has heard tales of him for years and she's a curious kid! She just wants to meet him on the train. We don't know if there were literaly books about Harry, but she grows up with hearing of him. Not only through tales, but perhaps also through hushed voices by her parents, talking about a couple younger than them who had a kids the age of Ron who tragically died and leaving the boy to go to muggles.

Harry is a mystery to her and one she never hears the full story about because she's too young and her brothers would never tell her the details they find out. She is curious.

Harry watches her run after the train when it leaves. He is paying attention to her. He is the one running after the train to wave off his own kids in the epilogue. it's a full-circle moment.

Then she heard Ron talk about Harry all through summer and finds out he is every bit the boy he is said to be and brave. but he is still a mystery, who is suddenly in her kitchen?? Yeah she gets a little spooked. and then that nervousness builds up to the point that talking to him becomes hard and he gets put on an even bigger pedestal.

And you can hardly take him off that pedestal when he saves you from Voldemort and kills a basilisk.

After that point they start to gradually get to know each other because Harry stays at the Burrow etc. This is the point where she gets to actually know him more until they start dating She stops liking him for being famous and starts seeing all the wonderful sides of him.

They share the same values, humour and interests. They're both snarky. When Percy walks with his chest out to show off his badge while talking to (I believe it was) Penelope, they look at each other because they both think he's being ridiculous and need to hide their laughs. They don't even have to speak and they're not even close friends then but they laugh together.

I'm not sure where you got that Ginny isn't kind? While she appears to have many friends, she is often seen with people like Luna and Neville who are kind of seen as underdogs. Yes, she calls Luna Loony once, but everyone was doing it. They become friends and they're close. Ginny lost her brother at the Battle of Hogwarts and she doesn't stop helping, she goes out on the grounds (while Harry has been asked to sacrifice himself, which she also has to cope with) to get wounded people inside and is seen comforting a girl who doesn't want to fight anymore.

Ginny continues the DA together with Neville and Luna to protect the younger students and continues to speak up.

We never see her physically beating people? You know who is always ready to fight? Ron, who will absolutely throw down his wand to pummel someone. You know who actually punches Draco? Hermione.

We see Ginny use a bat-bogey hex twice. Once in the Department of Mysteries, against literal death eaters. The other time she uses it on Zacharias Smith, who is canonically just a little annoying. He was being nosy and trying to find out all the gossip about the battle in the Department of Mysteries and Ginny puts a stop to it.

She has the same amount of snark as Harry does, that's why it works out. Harry is never going to be normal and he knows that. what he needs is someone who isn't scared by him and his story. Ginny is the only other person he knows that has been possessed by Voldemort and the only person who dares to speak up to him when he gets in a mood.

He is not weak, he doesn't need someone who babies him. Ginny is gentle and kind, but also strong and firm when she needs to be. Someone who balances him out.

Most of all, that man needs to have someone where he feels safe and who is a comfort to him.

Remind me again, I'm suddenly a bit fuzzy on the details... who is said to be Harry's greatest source of comfort? I'm sure it'll come to me in a minute...