#still dont know what exactly i want to do with this idea
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like what if yn is tired just arrived home from work and cheol is on the couch, legs stretched watching tv. then yn changes to little shorts n sit between his legs, yn's back on his chest. little cuddles and then his hand slowly reaches her 😼 little no's or stops from yn but ofc she actually dont want him to stop. THAN HE LOCKS HER LEGS WITH HIS LEGS AND OPEN THEM MORE AND KEEP GOING
bf!cheol taking care of you after work as you sit between his legs
WARNINGS: smut, fingering, dirty talk, body fluids (cum), a bulge pressed against reader's ass 😇
it’s been a day. work was hell, people were annoying, and honestly, the second you got home, you were ready to faceplant on your bed and not move for the next 12 business days. except you walk into the living room, and there he is—choi seungcheol. stretched out on the couch like he’s got no worries in the world, one arm lazily thrown over the backrest, legs spread. he’s flipping through channels with that casual “i’m hot and i know it” energy that makes you roll your eyes even as your chest does that stupid fluttery thing.
“hey, baby,” he calls, barely looking up, but the smile tugging at his lips is soft. inviting.
“hey,” you mumble back, kicking off your shoes and tossing your bag somewhere in the vicinity of the door because you’re too tired to care. you trudge off to change, throwing on one of those little pairs of shorts you know he likes (and, let’s be real, you also like how they make your ass look).
when you wander back into the living room, he’s still there, scrolling through Netflix now, like he’s trying to find something he hasn’t already seen ten times. you flop down between his legs, leaning back against his chest with a tired sigh, and he immediately wraps his arms around you.
“rough day?” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the side of your head.
“you have no idea,” you mumble, closing your eyes as his warmth surrounds you.
he hums, his chin resting on your shoulder, and you feel his hands slowly start to wander. it’s innocent at first, his fingers tracing little patterns on your thighs, but then one of his hands starts sliding up.
“cheol,” you say softly, not even looking up.
“hmm?” he replies, his voice all sweet and casual, like he’s not already halfway to breaking the unspoken no-touchy rule you’ve set for nights like this.
“don’t,” you mumble, but there’s no heat behind it, and you both know it.
his hand pauses for like, half a second before continuing its journey. his fingers sneak under the hem of your shorts, brushing against the bare skin beneath. you squirm a little, your legs pressing together instinctively, but all that does is trap his hand where it is.
“you’re not stopping me,” he teases, his voice low in your ear, and you feel his smirk more than you see it.
“cheol, seriously—”
and then he moves. his legs come up, wrapping around yours and locking them in place, spreading you open in a way that makes you gasp.
“cheol!”
“what?” he says, feigning innocence as his fingers dip between your legs, finding exactly what he’s looking for. “you’re not stopping me,” he repeats, his tone teasing but firm, like he knows he’s got you right where he wants you.
your breath hitches as his fingers start to move, tracing over the thin fabric of your shorts like he’s testing how far he can push you. you let out a shaky little “stop,” but it’s half-hearted at best, and you’re pretty sure he knows it.
“stop?” he echoes, his voice dripping sweetness. “you don’t sound like you want me to stop.”
“i do,” you tease weakly, but the way your hips tilt up to meet his hand completely betrays you.
“sure you do,” he murmurs, his fingers slipping under the waistband of your shorts now, brushing against your bare skin. “you’re so convincing, baby.”
you let out a soft whimper as he finds your clit, circling it with just enough pressure to make your head fall back against his shoulder.
“cheol—”
“shh,” he soothes, his lips brushing against your ear. “just let me take care of you, okay? you’ve had a long day. you deserve this.”
your fingers tangle in his hair, tugging just enough to make him groan low in your ear, the sound shooting straight to your core. your lips hover near his ear, and you gasp when his fingers slide inside you, the wet, obscene noises filling the space between your breaths.
schlk—schlk—schlk
every slide is unrelenting, curling and hitting that spot, making tears flood your eyes. his cock is rock hard, pressing right against your ass, and you can feel him twitch through the fabric of his sweats.
“fuck, baby, squeezing my fingers like this. you missed me, hm?”
you let out a choked moan, your hips tilting to meet his thrusts, but he keeps you pinned, his legs still locking yours open.
“you’re dripping all over my hand...listen,”
your back arches further, your face finding his neck as your cheeks flush with embarassment, his free hand snakes up to cup your breast, rolling your nipple between his fingers.
“you wanna cum? hm? answer me,” he taunts, his lips brushing the shell of your ear. “i can feel it, the way you’re clenching. but i don’t know if you deserve it yet.”
“cheol—!”
“hmm?” he hums, adding another finger, making your walls flutter around him. “use your words, baby. beg for it. tell me how bad you need me to make you come.”
you shake your head, too stubborn to give him the satisfaction, but then he shifts his hand, his thumb pressing against your clit just right, and you unravel.
“please!” you gasp, your voice cracking as your nails dig into his scalp.
“that’s my girl,” he growls, his hips rocking against you, his cock throbbing against your ass like he’s holding back just as much as you are.
his fingers work you faster, the wet noises getting louder, more vulgar, and your moans turn into broken cries. “such a good girl,” he coos, though his tone is still dripping with teasing. “but fuck, you’re so easy to ruin, aren’t you? just a little fingering, and you’re falling apart on me.”
his words push you closer, every filthy syllable lighting you up, until your body tenses and you cum around his fingers, the schelching present until you melt on his chest.
“that’s it, my baby...make a mess for me. let me feel you.”
and you do, your nails raking down his forearm as he praises you for working so hard.
#seventeen imagines#seventeen reactions#seventeen x reader#seventeen scenarios#seventeen headcanons#svt imagines#seventeen#seventeen smut#svt smut#scoups smut#seungcheol smut#seungcheol fanfic#seungcheol x reader#seungcheol x you#seungcheol drabbles#seungcheol imagines#scoups imagines#scoups reactions#scoups x you#scoups x yn#scoups x y/n#seungcheol x y/n#scoups x reader
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he’s the only one i could call
“fuck.” i groaned, leaning my head back against the headrest.
i lightly slammed my hands down on the steering wheel and lowered my music.
my car had broken down a few cities over from my own.
i picked up my phone to check the time.
3am… of course it is. nobody i know is gonna be up right now to save me.
“this is what i get for neglecting the check battery light” i think to myself. my car stalled a few more pathetic attempts to start as i realized i didn’t have the money for a tow service right now either.
i glanced around and picked up my phone to check maps. maybe there’s a 24 hour diner, or somewhere i can stay till it’s a reasonable hour.
nothing. i wanna throw my phone after i check how far i actually am from my apartment.
as i try one last attempt to move around the map and find a savior my heart drops to my stomach, and leaps back into my throat once i realize just exactly where i am.
two neighborhoods over is his house.
i giggle to myself as an idea flashes in my mind.
before i continue i’ll give context.
the whole reason i’m even cities over from my own was because i took a drive to clear my head. to try and forget him.
i had been trying everything i could but he was always gnawing at my brain. always. and i had been trying to control my obsessive tendencies after our fall out.
i had been doing good but, stuck in a neighborhood so close to his house made my body ache.
my fingertips tingled in anticipation as they hovered over my phone screen.
i wondered if he was even awake. he never really had a great sleep schedule. i checked the time again… 3:05.. i hope he’s not with her.
i nibbled at the inside of my cheek before i threw all reason out the window…
it rang a few times before a familiar, sleepy voice, answered
“[name]?”
my breath caught in my throat before i answered
“hey… hey i’m sorry i know it’s late- were you sleeping?”
“yeah but it’s fine.. are you okay? why are you calling?”
i smiled to myself. he still cares.
“i’m fine! i’m okay! swear. it’s just my car broke down really close to you. everyone i know is asleep…”
i trailed off. i probably sounded so desperate. it dripped off of me.
“[name].. i’m with my girlfriend.. cant- cant you call a tow service?”
i bit the inside of my cheek again. hard. i don’t care about his girlfriend. i’ll kill her.
i shook my head and nervously played with a loose thread at the end of my dress
“i.. uh.. dont have that kind of money right now.”
i sound genuinely pathetic
“i see… uh.. okay um i can come help you. just send me your location… and [name]?”
“hm?”
i practically whined at the idea of him coming to rescue me
“i’m just going to jump start your car and leave okay? please don’t make this a.. a thing”
that stung. i swallowed hard and nodded like he could see me
“yeah. it- it wont be.”
my phone beeped indicating he ended the call. i squirmed in my seat as i sent him a pin of my location.
make it a thing? what the fuck?
i wanted to rip out his throat.
shifting uncomfortably i waited outside in the cold. i leaned up against the drivers side window, shivering and pathetic.
when his cars headlights pulled onto the street i was on i felt my heartbeat quicken and my body tingle.
i was starving.
“hey..”
he said, walking up to my car with cables in his hand
“hi…i’m sorry again about this.”
i smiled softly at him. he always liked when i smiled at him that way… i hoped he felt something. anything.
he smiled back and i swear i could see his eyes linger over my body for a little too long
i felt like pouncing on him like a predator catching its prey.
“no worries. i told my girlfriend i’d be quick so, lets do this”
i felt rage flicker in my gut. stop fucking talking about her.
“right..”
i clearly sounded upset but i didn’t care.
my bones ached as i watched him attempt to jump start my car. he looked as gorgeous as ever.
it started pretty much instantly and i panicked. he couldn’t leave yet. no, no, no, not yet.
“w-wait!”
i practically yelled at him
he stopped abruptly, clearly taken aback by my sudden outburst
“what?!”
he was visibly concerned. never mad. he never really could get mad at me.
i felt tears well up in my eyes
“don’t leave…please.. i’m-i’m sorry. it’s been so long since i've seen you. i had to see you. i can’t stop thinking about you. please please don’t go…”
i felt so many emotions bubble inside of me, i felt like i was going to burst
he stared at me for a long time… then.. he smiled.
“cute.”
i swallowed and looked down at my feet
“stop. i’m sorry. that was really stupid.”
i didn’t look up but i heard him take a step towards me
“[name]….”
i looked up. he was right in front of me, closer to me than he had been in months.
i clenched my jaw. i could smell his cologne and my knees nearly buckled.
“stop it!”
i stepped back. i wanted him so bad but i knew it was wrong. i wanted to kill his girlfriend and rip out his throat, but i was trying so hard to be better. i was really trying
he let out a soft laugh and reached for my hand
“i guess i’m the one making it a thing…”
he held my hand in his so gently i felt myself melt.
“no. we can’t…”
i sounded small, pathetic, desperate. i clearly didn’t mean a word.
“hmm”
he hummed gently, moving his hand up to brush some loose hair behind my shoulder and trace my neck
“why not?”
i didn’t answer, i just held his gaze. it was so intense i nearly looked away.
i knew i could eventually get him where i wanted him…but.. i didn’t think it'd be this easy.
i shivered at his touch and something flickered in his eyes
“you look as beautiful as ever. i like this dress on you..”
he sounded starving now.
“it’s new”
i squeaked.
“mm very pretty, doll”
i let a whimper escape my lips at the nickname and he grinned
“come here.. let me warm you. it’s so cold out here…”
i stepped closer to him without a second thought. anything he wanted i would do it. anything at all.
he wrapped his arms around me and i couldn’t contain myself anymore.
i tangled my fingers into his hair and pressed my body against his, whimpering in the process.
i needed him bad. primal. animalistic
his hands roamed my body, grabbing and groping every part of me.
my breathing quickened as i melted into his touch.
“please..please”
was all i could manage to moan out.
he was barely touching me but i felt my pussy throb and dampen at every grab and tug from his hands
“you’re so pathetic. it’s adorable”
he cooed into my ear before nibbling it a little
we were still outside leaning against my car, his hand travelling up my dress and teasing the waist band of my panties
“[name]… please..”
i couldn’t control myself around him. he was so warm. so sweet. so perfect.
all of a sudden he pulled away tugging my body towards his car. fast.
i barely had time to register what was going on before i was in the backseat and he was looming over me.
i could see glimpses of him in the moonlight. he looked so disgustingly perverted and hungry for me. i fucking loved it.
“you’re such a fucking tease in this little dress. begging me to come save you, to rescue your pathetic ass…”
he said in breathy whispers as he groped my tits and pinched my nipples through the fabric of my dress
i moaned loudly and squirmed underneath him, feeling his hard cock pressed against my thigh
“i can’t believe you [name]. i can’t believe what you do to me”
he quickly slipped the dress off of me and his mouth was on my naked body in an instant. digging his nails into my waist and leaving sloppy, uncoordinated kisses, over my chest and stomach
“mmm… fuck… [name]… please just use me however you want”
i whimpered pathetically each time he moved his mouth or hands
“oh i will.”
i could barely stay conscious between his hands wrapped around my throat and him rubbing his thick cock against the fabric of my panties
it all felt so good i nearly came just from that alone
he ripped my panties off and shoved his cock into my dripping pussy with one swift motion, i saw stars
i coughed and sputtered from the pressure on my neck as he rammed into my cunt
“oh my god.. fuck.. [name] you feel incredible”
he released his grip on my neck to move a hand down to my aching pussy
he gently rubbed my clit as he pumped in and out of me and i could’ve sworn i saw god.
i whined like a pathetic dog as he violated me in ways i had never experienced from him before.
i knew our past sex was good but holy shit
“[name].. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry”
he apologized profusely as he struck me across the face and rammed into me harder
“you’re just so pathetic, i can’t help myself…”
all i could get out was pathetic whines as i looked up at him with desperation.
i wanted more. i wanted everything he could give me. whatever he wanted to do i would take it and i would love it.
“fuck. fuck. fuck. [name] you’re so tight”
he groaned loudly as he rubbed my clit faster
i clenched around his cock as i felt him release a huge load of hot cum inside my womb
i came at the same time, my pussy spasming on his cock as we both let out animalistic groans and pants, clinging to each other like this would be the last time
it was never the last time.
“oh my god..”
was all he could manage into my ear as he collapsed on top of me
i could feel our heartbeats colliding into one, pounding against both of our chests
i laid there staring up at interior of his car, catching my breath
i had asked him to come rescue me in hopes that maybe he’d feel something for me when he saw me
i asked him to save me because i needed to see him
come to find out…. he felt the exact same way
i smiled to myself as he played with my hair, still laying on top of me and softly breathing into my neck
we hadn’t spoken a word to each other yet but, i knew.
i knew he felt the same way i did
all this time i thought he had moved on
but we were just as desperate and perverted for each other as we had been back then
i really need to kill his stupid girlfriend. then he’ll be mine forever.
so much for “getting better”
i never will as long as he’s breathing. i never wanted to in the first place.
“i love you [name]”
he sighed softly, placing a gentle kiss on my neck
“i love you too”
i will never let my darling go… ever. again.
#yanblr#obsessive thoughts#yandere girl#obsessive yandere#obsessive love disorder#bpd yandere#yandere thoughts#yandere blog#irl yandere#yandere scenarios#yandere x reader#yandere ex#yan4yan#yandere smut#yancore#irl yan#obslove#yan blog
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been cooking up some stuffff!
did a lot of rapid brainstorming for the murders of this au today, and had to get my thoughts onto paper. seeing as i want Lanyons death to be a climax of this story, its taking a lot more thinking than i thought it would at first and is still in the works😭 this is all a rough draft/idea so if some of it doesnt make sense, dont worry, i know. im working out the kinks as we speak 😭
#jekyll and hyde#jekyll and hyde au#henry jekyll#edward hyde#gabriel utterson#hastie lanyon#sir danvers carew#richard enfield#writing#robert louis stevenson#still dont know what exactly i want to do with this idea#but i know i want it to exist in some way#so if anyone has any ideas for formats that could work please tell me!!!
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A new sculpture! Finally... I feel like I never sculpt anymore since I'm always sick or have some 500 other things going on or projects to finish, but I'm trying to schedule time to do it more often this year hopefully..! Just a generic fantasy creature as usual, but did try making the eyes a little more sparkly this time.. hrmm..
#sculpture#fantasy art#fantasy creature#art#elf#lol what are the tags I should use... I still never know.. EVIL social media.. hate the idea of tagging anything ever anyway. but alas..#I also would ideally like to start selling them again and open up custom commmissions and stuff again once I can hopefully get paypal#stuff sorted out. and find like.. a good way to do things.. etc.. I did still want to sell them through auction instead of agonizing#over setting prices being afraid they're either too high or too low. So being able to just be like. Here. this is $50. or more. or less.#negotiate. the worth is whatever you feel like it is so i personally dont have to make that decision. etc. lol... But etsy doesn't let you#do auctions or like pay what you want type stuff so.. then I was thinking ebay? but idk.. ANYWAY.. I want to set things#up so I can sell stuff again hopefully. I still haven't fully recovered from the costs of when I had to take my cat to the vet and put#them down last year and etc. So it'd be good to sell a few things. perhaps.. maychance... perhamble... so on and so forthe... ANYWAY#I was going for whiter more milky sort of hair that blends in closely with the skintone but after the paint dried it seems more yellowy kin#of. which is fine. But just not exacltly like my mind vision lol..#Also it's like... wow... someone with face spots and elf ears and a half open mouth with a gap tooth and wavy hair and kind of downturned#eyes... revolutionary... never been seen before... every sculpture I have ever made surely doesnt look licherally exactly like this... LOL#but maybe it's just a style. so what. People have their motifs lol.. Im just getting back into sculpting. I shall sameface in peace. huzzah#Just like the only thing I ever carve out of avocado pits anymore is eyes. Because that's just whats fun to do. I'm going to accumulate lik#25 similar avocado eyes and have nothing to do with them. I was thinking of stringing some together into a necklace of eyes or something li#like that but.. hrmm... ANYWAY.. Love to do the same things repetitively. :3c
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sorry if idk this but what do you think about Wordgirl now in 2024 do you still like it do you still want to make art or talk about it or are you just done with all of it forever and plus i seen that you haven't made art of it since 2022 so you just done with all of it oh yeah and what about The Magnus Archives + Wordgirl ao3 fic too like is that just going to be and i know that your working on 2 au's now just wanting to know that's all
My interests tend to come in intense bursts and then fade. Unless something like, big happens like it gets a reboot its unlikely I'll be coming back to it anytime soon. As for the fic I don't have any current plans to finish it unfortunately.
#Its so shocking whenever anybody mentions that fic to me#like its just such a specific combo of interests how are there this many people interested in it...#I have some fragments of unfinished chapters for it laying around but I was struggling to get them to work#and I definitely dont have the motivation to finish them now#If youre curious the chapters were going to be Slaughter avatar miss Power and Web avatar Mr Big#and possibly Flesh avatar Butcher but I never got around to starting that one#The Miss Power chapter was basically going to be about her having kind of lost her thread#I wanted to leave a lot of ambiguity as to what happened with her home planet#but she hadnt been in contact with them for agessssss and her radio is damaged and her ship is in bad shape#the chapter was just going to be her being like 'pfff I dont interpersonal connection Im doing great out here. Murdering. All on my own'#Well she has her little squirl thing but she treats him like an animal#mr giggle cheeks or whatever#anyway I wanted it to imply that whatever happened her bloodthirst was destroying her#The Mr Big chapter was from Lesley's perspective#She would have been one in a long long line of assistants that Mr Big went through like candy#Lesley is his favorite though because. while she is terrified of him. shes still willing to push him. to be honest with him#but she also knows exactly when to step off. when to lie to appease him#( its always a tossup as to whether he wants a sweet lie or the harsh truth that day. He can always tell either way#its a gamble he does to be cruel. She always picks right though. or maybe he's more lenient with her than he should be)#He likes that she knows exactly how to push him without ever stepping over the line#He likes that her guilt and revulsion are slowly eating her up inside but shes too selfish to leave#She likes being special. She likes the idea of ruling the world alongside him#She'll always be second in command but shell be so much higher than everyone else#and shes willing to do anything to get that#Mr big doesnt think shell ever make it that far#but he likes her anyway#shes the one assistant he'll be sad about dying#OK damn apparently I did still have things to say about this old fic DAMN#still not gonna finish it tho. they call me the struggler becaus.e writing is a struggle...
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ngl i've been dealing with burnout for nearly this entire year and the goddamn hurricane Did Not Help but by now it's shifted to this very weird flavor where i'm like constantly rotating drawing ideas & full fics i want to write in my brain & Really Wanting to work on them but then once i get as far as opening sai or google docs i just go "hm. dont wanna"
#trousled rants#i'm blaming my shitty freshman year of college idc. started so strong and then my second semester gave me 13 well-researched essays........#fun fact if any college freshmen are reading this & also still learning to navigate freshly-diagnosed disabilities um. dont do that#a lotta ppl can handle it fine but im a new media major bro im not built for that shit. i am getting a degree in shapes and colors#anyway this is mostly me explaining why i've been so inactive lol. obviously helene did A Number but i was already smoldering before that#i'll get back to ebony eventually.....i'll update napstabot eventually........i'll get back on the atbb refs grind eventually..............#i actually got as far as finishing both sf bros & moving onto stretch since i last worked on em. but i have to redo him bc i dont like ittt#the pose wasn't working w me and the small changes i made didnt give him as strong of a silhouette as i thought lol#there's also a oneshot idea i've had in my brain long enough to know exactly what words i want to use to describe certain specific details#i know precisely how it starts and how it ends and how i'll transition from one thing to another and how to make it all connect#and i have not written a single sentence 👍#blah blah u get it another update from my wambulance#at this point i'm just annoyed about it more than anything ngl#may things get So Much Easier in 2025. or god help me i will make it everyone else's problem
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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looking up info on keloid scarring is so helpful. thanks man I didn't think of trying that one
#well actually that kind of is relevant bc ive been trying to find more info abt tattooing keloid prone skin#which is effectively opting to wound urself. but everywhere is just like if ur keloid prone ummm. Don't do it 👍#theres not enough known abt keloids to predict if theyll be triggered or not by the healing process like it depends on so many things#i mostly get them from acne scars. but they dont always immediately appear sometimes its weeks or months after#n once u get them theyre permanent. treatments for them have a 100% rate of recurrence n will grow back bigger if u try to excise them#and they cant be tattooed over like other scars bc they dont hold ink n the irritation can cause them to get bigger too#it depends a lot on the tattoo artists skill/experience ig like u have to know Exactly how deep ur tattooing + how the wound will heal#bc if healing triggers keloids. well ill just end up with permanent scarring instead theres nothing i can do if it happens#which honestly might still look cool but its unpredictable bc they tend to extend past the original wound. n it wouldnt scar uniformly#urgh. i should probably talk to a gp n an actual tattooist abt it. i could ask to get like a rly small tattoo to test how my skin reacts#pointless thinking abt rn anyway cuz im not gonna get one any time soon i have some other shit to sort before that#but it would be so frustrating if i cant i have so many tattoo ideas i do rly want them.... :-(#ah well whatever.. im just procrastinating doing shit i need to crack on bc i cant spend another entire weekend doing nothing#after a month n a half of being on meds i feel like theyre becoming less effective. my task paralysis n focus is getting worse again :(#like its taking more and more effort its been rly noticeable at work. hoping its just bc of general mental health or poor sleep or smth#and not that im building tolerance or smth bc man. what else can i even do if that happens#this is gonna make me miserable to think abt so lets go do smth else!#at least i woke up feeling tons better today 💪💪💪 storm passed baby#.diaries
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this writing shit hard as hell
#snap chats#i was gonna joke that i should just pay someone but. but that is a thing i could do#HOWEVER i would not want to inflict my arasawa mental illness onto an unsuspecting victim#also i wanna write something for once :( weh :(#i was writing something but then i decided i hated it#but i stiillll wanna write so im scouring the internet for prompt inspo#nothings working....... mostly cause most of the lists im finding are nsff....#which i might steal for My Personal Folders or goofy comics OOP but still#i almost wanna rb a prompt list and ask for prompt numbers but SIGH#i dont even know exactly what i wanna write#sometimes i think of trying to write something serious but i dont have any strengths in that. im too silly.#i guess i kinda have a fic in mind.......hmmmm...... gonna go play with the idea in docs for a minute#will prob abandon it cause even now that im thinkin on it i dont really wanna do it but ill see#I Repeat my main problem with fic writing is that i always end up wanting to draw it instead#SUCH a pain i hate myself for this#need people to tell me what to write or ill die i hate it here
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Lesbian or trans guy…. Lesbian or trans guy… lesbian or trans guy…. That is The question
#like !!!!!! I would like this To Be Over#rn Im Kinda doing a thing where I ‘came out’ as a trans guy to a bunch of ppl#(my friends and dad’s side of the family ya know ppl it’s not a big deal for)#and trying to present more masculine more often#mostly to see if I like it better#it’s basically an experimentation thing despite me still not being sure#because I thought it would help because hey!!! if I really like it then great! I’m a dude!#if I hate it or it makes me uncomfortable then great!!!! not a dude!!!!#unfortunately it is not working out that way and I am still mostly confused#like…. I just don’t understand 😭😭😭 I want to understand and I don’t#I got jealous when my friend started hormones and then I was talking about gender issues with my therapist and she asked if I wanted her to#write me a letter for hormones or any surgeries and the idea of changing my body like that made me viscerally uncomfortable#like what!!!!! the fuck!!!!!! what is wrong with me!!!!!#why can I not just know exactly what I want and how I want ppl to refer to me and how I want to be seen#my friends call me ‘he’ and their pets ‘uncle’ and my dad called me his son and like okay awesome#I think I kinda like it but it’s also a goddamn jumpscare every fuckin time#sometimes I think I like being a guy but also I wanna be a lesbian#and like sometimes I wanna be a dude but the idea of having a dick? absolutely fucking not I KNOW I don’t want that#but I want a deeper voice and more body hair#and just ugh UGH I DONT UNDERSTAAAAAAND#like yeah I know I’m almost certainly on the non-binary spectrum like there’s no denying that#but :( I just wanna know how I want to look and be seen so I could actually take steps towards being more comfortable#because no matter what I’ve tried I’ve never been completely comfortable#guy or girl even sometimes androgynous it just isn’t working#I just want to be Me and I feel fine but literally the second I get referred to as anything from an outside party#it sparks intense euphoria or dysphoria but it’s not consistent so I can’t figure it out#anyways I wanna melt into the floor of this Costco one of my dude coworkers called me ‘man’ and I cringed but then another coworker called#me ‘she’ and I also cringed#like what the fuck what in fresh hell I’m so frustrated I just want it all to stop#like it’s all fun and games ‘haha I’m a boy lesbian’ and sometimes yeah that does feel right but also both are wrong and just
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Ive been playing the longing and I was planning on staying in the caves and waiting it out even after realizing that escape might be an option but then I walked into the darkness for the first time and. Nevermind I'm getting the shade out no matter how many stupid puzzles that are super obvious but I'm not observant enough to figure out until I've spent far too long wandering through the kingdom with a mushroom trying to figure out where to plant it I'm forced to face
#rat rambles#its a pretty good game so far Im rly enjoying it#I appreciate its vision a lot I enjoy the commitment to the bit#I also like the shade theyve been growing on me hard#poor sad wet cat who has mad daddy issues#also I enjoyed finding out they will still work through a book if you close the game while having one open and having auto flip on#I sat them down to read moby dick and went to bed and woke up the next day with a week of in game time having passed and the book finished#enriched and in their element#this is the first game Ive played in a while where I dont rly have any major spoilers so Ive been enjoying furthering quests more#Immm not exactly sure what to do to get past the eyes in the dark but I think I have an idea#I know I need to not be seen so Im thinking maybe I can idle until the shade falls asleep or smth?#I also need to try out the other option on the multichoice thought box you get when you idle#I usually choose the wait and see option because I was scared of making them feel worse#but now I want to get them to the surface if I can so I should see if that changes anything#note: I am idling in the darkness as I type this post this is entirely to kill time#if anyone in the crowd knows abt this game dont spoil anything Im enjoying my relatively spoiler free experience#but yeah Ive mostly just been trying to finish their checklist of wants and Ive done pretty well so far I think#Ive gotten all the crystals and all the colors and even made all their lice pictures in the different colors#I havent gotten their bed yet but I'm close I just need one more wood and a few more bits of moss#I still need to hunt in the hall of eternity a bit more in case theres more books or furniture there but I assume I got most of it?#oh hey dialogue time#OHHHH..... OHHHHHHH....#ok so maybe Im a lil stupid#but also I 100% had the right idea with idling in the dark#oh god damnit they opened their eyes again while I was typing#ok back to being idle then I guess.#god damnit that took so fucking long#oh well. at least that new dialogue was fun.#its also reassuring. Im glad they can have a goal like this.
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#im gonna say smth and no one is allowed to say a fucking Word. i need to . type this out bc i cant Say It Out Loud#but . it is slighrly disgusting and patheyic (imo) and just . huh .#anyway . the tightening in evety inch of my body at the idea that . i might not get what i want (*) . but that even if i dont get that#ill get Something somewhat better n its just .#hard to swallow. bc im so tired for settling for what i dont want .#like letting go of shit ivrlly want for smth thats supposedly better for me#letting did not look like a real word just then what the fuck man#anyway . it is awful bc like . having so many realisations n realising that . ive forgiven a lot less and a lot worse .#n its a whole thing i cant get into bc im figuring out what exactly . thst sys abt me and where it stems from#it feels Okay . like its coming grom a Good Place. n not one of low seld worth#but like . having to possibly actually settle for less than what i actually want . is awful bc i dont like doing that and im tjred of doing#that. even if its good / better for me?#i cannot think of any other situstion simular rn other than yhe job fuckery. but . never wity a person#have i felt like this. n i dont know where or why its a Thibg. butcit is. ajd i dont know why hes fucking different.#but so much is out of my control !!!! and idk what to do anymore except just . keep pretendinf he doesnt exist#and moving like i did in high school: just zignoring how i feel bc i see the fucker constantly#it genuinely does parallel to hs rn how do i keep .#but also how is this a conpletely new situstion ive Never Exprrienced. how is this haopening to me.#i keep thinkibg abt the letter j wroye to my 21st (on my 18th) n i havent opened it#bc i missed opening it actually on my 21st. so i decided to live out actually being 21 before i#opebed the letter just to see how much had actually changed.#gonna open it aroubd my birthday. im terrified. bc i reread that letter 5x vefore wrappibg it uo. and ive thought abt it Constantly#to rmber its contents bc im Obsessed with it somehowm butbi still dont know .#i plan tocwritr another for my 25th. n 27th thrn again my 30th.#theyre fun lil time capsules . n its nice . i used to do 6montg to yearly ones but . shit got so bad i did Not wanna keep writing abt it .#so . this Will be fun . it was the 1st attemot at that too like . its why i started the 6mth letters bc i wanted to see the gradual sgifts#n reread them on my 21st but life had other plans apparently.#anyway.
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Do I "not know who I am" or am I just really insecure and am trying to find a mask to put over myself because despite my best efforts to avoid it, my human nature drives me to put an active effort into having a superficial reputation, rather than letting myself just be natural, and be content with myself without feeling the need to let strangers know who or what I could possibly be?
#Sorry im just contemplating everything lately.#i truly thought i had no idea who i wished to be.#and im still not exactly sure but i think im getting closer to the truth.#i always tried to mimmick my favorite fictional characters. and i still do it. and i dont think ill stop#but due to my obsession with mimicking characters i would find myself troubled as at times i didnt know WHICH character i wanted to mimic -#for a lot of characters i like are the complete opposite from each other.#(example: craig tucker from south park and Albert aretz (real person). i wish i were both sooo bad even though theyre completely different.)#at one poijt i had decided i will simply choose to mimic a character depending on my current mood.#but it doesnt fix mych and still puts me back to the same mentality of actively trying to put a mask for myself instead of simply being nat-#-ural me.#i realized i wished to be a caricature rather than a fully fleshed out three dimensional being.#i mean - who wouldnt? caricatures are so easily defined. im not. i sometimes feel as if i fit nowhere.#sorry went on a bit of a tangent there.#what i am trying to say is that i think i am going to stop and try actively trying to be like someone else.#i mean i CAN relate to both Craig tucker and Albert aretz. and i DO act like both depending on how i personally feel at the moment.#but i shouldn't put restrictions on myself or who i should be. and i shouldn't focus so much on trying ro he like them because it only incre#ases my deep envy of them.#anyway sorry.#tw vent#< maybe??
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just watched this video essay about art while i was making art and now im having so many feelings 10/10 i highly recommend it
or alternatively: Art For No One by Jacob Geller
#its almost an hour long#and is exactly the type of existentialist stuff you know i love#i wonder about what will happen to my art after i die a lot. and. hm.#the art i make is art just for me. but when i die. it will be for no one. because then i will be no one.#so i want as egotistical as i am. id probably want it destroyed.#but knowing art historians it will be very infuriating. but who needs a diary of someone dead. who needs a fragment of a man who once was#when none of it will be interpreted correctly#id rather it be destroyed. burnt. returned back to the ashes of the stars the materials i used once were#theres so many things ive done that ive never shown or told anyone. so by extension the idea of me eventually wanting to record it all#and show it online is very paradoxical i guess#i guess its just a phrase from a painting teacher i once had that stuck to me deeply#a friend asked her what she likes to paint. and she replied with#“i dont paint in my free time anymore. who needs a bunch of old paintings?”#and. hm. i suppose i relate to that. noone needs my stupid art and even less people care about it like i do#but the flesh is flawed and i am still creating. i am observing what little i see of the world and try to make sense of it via art#my sketchbooks are physical copies of the thoughts occurring in my mind and my physical itch and need to create and learn and understand#and to cry and to feel and to live#i live to make art and in return the art i make; makes me keep living#i think its getting too late and i need to go to bed#chess shh
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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i was playing about dropping Fifty Drawings onto everyone's dashboard this week but the unfortunate reality is i am in fact being assaulted with images
#snap chats#this is what happens when i go on three hour walks i guess#might abandon some but i will spitball the ones on the forefront of my brain..#more for my sake so i dont fuckin forget cause I Am Starting To Forget Already dont read if. you dont want spoilers ???#not y7 spoilers. or i mean i GUESS there'll be y7 spoilers but i mean for my psts. i guess. only i care about that ANYWAY#i wanna draw a comic of aoki getting SOME kind of butterfly memorabilia or something with him and butterflies#i Was having a chortle with myself about Like A Butterfly but i was also like... Yk Butterflies Still Are About Rebirth#lame as hell ik but shut up anyway next one i wanted to do was Troubled Teen Jo getting in a scrap with arakawa#idk if i want this to be AFTER arakawa's become a father or not.. im still chewing on exactly what i want the direction of it to be..#i have an IDEAAAA just.. nothing concrete yet..#and then the one i wanted to see if i could do tonight was Beach Day With The Arakawas :) Cause IDK <:)#i really dont know.. for some reason i just got visions of them three at the beach.. maybe its cause of tonbi idk...#though the more i thought about that idea the longer it got and the more i was like 'maybe i can turn this into a fic instead'#a terrible sentence cause generally i never get anything done when i say that but it'd fr be too long to make a comic of#so at least for now maybe ill make a short fic.. just tryna figure if i want a jo or arakawa pov#i always think of jo's pov so i wanna challenge myself with arakawa. i always focus on jo and his pov of 'becoming a father'#but sometimes i also really wanna explore arakawa's pov on jo becoming another parental figure for masato. or smthn like that idk#ANYWAY LET ME COOK. im not a good chef but i can at least cook an egg lemme see what i got...#bye bye for now ill be in the kitchen (google docs) if anyone needs me..
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