#still coping a bit with my mental state and how things got there but im. gettin better i think

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anonymous Advise Asks - February 10

6 anon, three hearts anon, angry anon, unnamed anon (new), confused 2 anon (new)

6 anon

We made it to states on a wild card placement, and the chances of that were like 2 percent! TWO, and we got it!!! I am very happy. I got 2 superior awards and 1 excellence award. However the downside is that it's in Detroit, but it's ok because my best friends are going to watch so yippeeee

OMG that's amazing, I'm so excited for you!!! Please keep me updated and tell me how it goes!

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Three Hearts Anon

So if I'm understanding correctly, you can't go to therapy because of something your aunt did? I mean I don't know the whole situation but...I don't think you should sacrifice your mental health to protect her. Like...you're the kid in this situation, you know? You deserve to get help.

Also I promise you that everyone you love does not hate you. I have definitely felt like that before and I get how it feels all-consuming, but there are people who care aboutyou, I swear <3

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Angry Anon

Hello, Cas! Angry anon here lol

I want to say THANK YOU for taking the time to reply!! It helped me quite a bit to calm down.

I started writing fanfics for the first time and also made some art that people liked even tho they were pretty messy :D It helped me vent A LOT. I could even talk about stuff that could potentially trigger other people but in fanfics they're just there (like eating habits).

I feel guilty talking about stuff with friends. I think I weight them down and they already have their own problems to deal with, I hate being another one of those.

My situation still kinda sucks but for the first time in like two weeks they actually let me sleep for six hours three days in a row ayy, I think that's improvement (?)! I think one of the reasons I was so upset was them not letting me rest at all, it's different if someone stays up so late and wake up in the middle of the night and has to go places early morning because they just do but was kinda frustrating that I needed to do that because they didn't give me any other choice.

Anyway, I also tried the paper crumpling, didn't really work for me and there's no rage rooms nearby but I put googly eyes on my phone and that somehow worked?? Idk

I might vent here occasionally (you're free to ignore it if you feel like it) but yeah, thanks

Hi! I'm so proud of you for finding ways to cope! Writing and drawing are amazing ways, and though I've never tried putting googly eyes on my phone- if it works and it doesn;t hurt anyone I'm all for it! I'm also really glad you've gotten some sleep <3 Keep it up with the healthy coping!

Also yes, you are always allowed to vent here <3

_________________

Unnamed Anon

Hey cas

I'm not gonna use my anon name cause I feel kinda bad about this but.

Backstory- I think I might be bi? But I live in a very religious very homophobic community and I'm not interested in dating yet ( Honestly im super confused) so I'm not out. And I probably won't be. Which is. A whole other thing.

But. This girl (I'm a girl) I've had a crush on for the longest time. I think she's straight. Anyway I really like her. And like... romantically, platonically, however she'll have me, pathetic I know but she's amazing. I applied to the college she's going to just... because of her. Which no one knows. But anyway.

She was dating this guy. I never met him. I only knew in passing. And she apparently just broke up with him. And like, secretly I'm a little happy. Which I feel terrible about! But she's handling it okay, not heartbroken, and it means she has more time for me (it's not like she'd date me now, she's just not doing boyfriend stuff) So idk. I just feel confused and yucky.

Side note, it means she probably doesn't have a prom date? She'll probably get one cause she's super pretty and amazing and everything but like... idk. The delusion lives on.

Even if she wasn't straight and I was out, she's kinda out of my league. I think I'll never forget her tho.

Thanks for being you

Hi <3 I think it's absolutely okay and natural to feel confused about all this, especially with your upbringing. But please know that none of what you're feeling is wrong or bad- even the mixed feelings about your crush's breakup!

Honestly, I think we've all felt like that before- a bit happy (and a bit guilty for feeling happy) when something like this happens. It's not like you're celebrating over a tragedy like a death or a fire or anything like that. You're not even outwardly celebrating! If it was one of those things, then I might say you should feel guilty. But you're not, so please don't beat yourself up. If it makes you feel any better, once I asked a guy out like four hours after he broke up with his girlfriend bc I was so excited he was single...it happens.

_________________

[pineapplerightsideupcake]

Do you have tips on how to deal with fear of success/self sabotage due to growing up in a toxic home? I’m scared of leaving because everything I’ve tried mostly didn’t work out, and my parents have exhausted me, and emotionally beat me out of being excited for the future. Im suppose to graduate college this year, but I can’t because I wasn’t allowed to transfer and had panic attacks during online college so I had to stop. I just feel….so stuck and miserable. I spent majority of this year wasting money binging and ducking up my teeth and health in the process. Ik it’s not good for me, and now I actually have the resources and can save $ to leave, but I’m still scared. Of the guilt but more so that even if I leave my toxic house, I’ll still be miserable. I’m worried that secretly all along I was the problem and using my parents as an excuse. Sounds irrational I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Please what advice would you give me? Thank you.

First, you need professional help if you’re binging and puking (I assume you got autocorrected there). Whether you mean that you’re binging and purging your food or if you’re binging alcohol and vomiting, you need more help than I can give here.

What I can help with is in reassuring you that happiness is not a random state that just happens. It’s something we choose and build for ourselves. What’s so amazing about that is you don’t have to just sit and hope for it to happen. You can control it. You can make it for yourself. I think one of the hardest things to unlearn for people from toxic situations is that we don’t control our own lives.

I liken it to surviving a storm. You leaned to make yourself small. You learned to look for and respond to danger at all times. You learned to never let your guard down for a moment. And so it’s natural to think your happiness is tied to the wind.

But it’s not. You don’t have to hope and appease the wind. You can grow up and leave. You can choose to build a better life and to learn healthy coping mechanisms. Yes, it’s work. Yes, it takes time. But it is so so worth it.

Early 20s is when most mental illnesses peak. Statistically speaking, it only gets easier from here.

As soon as it’s financially possible, move out. Limit contact with toxic people. Look after you. Figure out what happiness looks like for you. Then make it. A little bit each day.

And to address your most heartbreaking question- of whether the problem was really you all along- I can promise you with 99.9% certainty that you aren’t. I’m likely closer in age to your parents than to you and let me promise you that there is nothing a child or teen can do that justifies cruelty or neglect. The adult is always responsible for their behavior.

But just to fully reassure you, let me promise that if you are the problem, you won’t heal or get better any more than if it wasn’t your fault by staying in a toxic environment. Even if in the 0.01-% case where you’re the toxic one, you can’t hope to change stuck where you are. I saw my aunt go through a mid life crisis that wasn’t cute. She became very cruel because she was miserable and while it’s correct to say she was the toxic one, she never would have changed for the better if she hadn’t left my uncle and my cousins and got her shit together far away. She also didn’t become that way in a vacuum.

But again, I am 99.9% confident you’re a perfectly lovely person with toxic parents. And no matter what you deserve a chance to be happy.

[torusmochi]

JJK Spoiler / pretty much just me venting-ranting(?)

This is mostly me ranting about my mental problems and what happened in the manga with Gojo. If you’re alright with that keep on reading, if not- there‘s the door.

I Wonder if anyone of my moots / non-moots feels the same or how u guys cope with this shit. (Or relatable shit, just stop reading if this seems cringe to you or something, I’m mostly just venting because I’m interested if anyone experienced the same/similar things.)

Honestly I should’ve known that JJK ends this way or better said I knew he‘d die- though I didn’t think this way, idk how to feel about it, it feels like there is something missing, though we got a little bit of aftermath or „explanation“ or whatever the fuck u call it but at least to me it still feels off.

Im probably delusional if I say I still hope we‘ll see him again though the signs are pretty bad, for someone that attached a lot to him, for example taking him as comfort character, due to real life being a bitch too I‘m really struggling with enjoying stuff again, like fanfics-Art and everything related.

It pisses me off and I feel number as days go by, I feel sad I can’t enjoy the fanfics of my fav authors like before anymore, sad that Art doesn’t do anything to me anymore and annoyed to be back in this stupid mindset I tried so hard avoiding.

I Wonder if any of you guys dropped JJK for good after shit went down?

How do you cope with something that took away all your happiness as it left? (Not particularly only in regard of the manga, life in general.)

On another note: I‘m trying to find stuff again to help me get tru this state I’m in rn, sometimes I read fluff and it gives me a little bit of happiness that feels nice but as soon as reality hits again everything’s dark again, I know I should go to therapy but I don’t have the funds for it right now and honestly I don’t even know if this is worth it at all but I like to try and be happy again or at least get myself fixed enough so I can somewhat enjoy life again without crying every 5 minutes if something reminds me of stuff that happened in the past that I can’t change anyways, this is so damn tiring and I’m so sick of this. Why is mental health a thing and why are feelings even real.

Maybe I‘ll do a second blog for shit like this in the future because it’s quite… different >.>

[liminevator]

(OOC Project update... mostly just clearing up why I've been gone):

(Things have been very quiet on this blog for a bit so I feel like its my responsibility to clarify why exactly that is, in as orderly of a fashion I can manage)

(Secondly Is the artblock, its... a little hard to work on a project that hinges on my artistic input when I spend all my time just staring at a blank ibis canvas. I had been flowing in and out of the worst artblock of my life the past few months and it'd been a nightmare- because I could write just fine but the visual art is where I just straight up died. I have been considering asking some friends if they'd like to do some things for this project as well but currently its still just me, I think it's mostly evened out by now but that's still been a big part of why I've been gone.)

(Firstly, I will not go into any gritty detail on this point for the sake of my own privacy but, I am currently in the worst mental state of my entire life within the last decade due to Situation after Situation happening irl, and even despite the sorta "coping cop-outs" that come with how our plurality works as a collective we've not been able to get a handle on it at all. Like, genuinely it's one of those sort of situations where every single person I've explained it to was fucking mortified and/or pissed for me and it just keeps getting even worse still. It's been a deeply retraumatizing mess to the point that some days I genuinely feel like I've been set back almost completely in my recovery to where I was at like, 11 years old. I'm hoping to god once I get out of this house it'll get better but for now unfortunately I am in the hell dimension)

(Third thing I wanna note has actually technically been the opposite of a problem but I've been going HAM with making concepts for this project lately, there is such an insane amount of things for it that aren't on the blog yet that its nuts. Unfortunately the artblock had made that a disaster to pump out visually so lately I have been debating on writing short stories that I can post as their own thing too for something. As well as I also actually have a discord server in the works which I was thinking would be good for posting wips and such and to just generally build a lil community or something (as much as I wish I could run my own website with a proper forum instead..... siiigh..... alas.) I may post updates about that at some point. I've also got a dedicated art blog thats all set up and ready to go ( @elevatorphilia ) now that im slowly getting back in my art groove, which is something at least.)

(Anyway I thiiink thats all thats really important to mention here, THIS PROJECT IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE! I assure you its still all that I can think of so nothing is stopping anytime soon, I am simply going through the worst period of my life in the worst environment to possibly go through it in and I hopefully will be able to get out of it soon enough, much to the chagrin of many people I am never going anywhere so don't you worry, I just need to try and take it easy to the best of my ability, I'm gonna be okay... at least one day I will.)

[seyvetch]

Hey update from Russia here. As much as I hate to replace my current pinned post I think Ill have to pin this one for the time being.

myIm not saying Im having it worse than people in Ukraine and I didnt want any conflict between Russians and Ukranians in the first place. But I am going to talk about my expiriences so recovering from covid and catching up on college been wearing me down even tho Ive been becoming a bit more lively. Then y

Today I couldnt buy my antidepressants bc pharmacies dont have them. I might have not been showing it much but its been a tough time for me concidering the current situation. I am still recovering from covid and catching up on college been wearing me down even tho Ive been becoming a bit more lively. Then my country invaded Ukraine. It was majorly stressful on its own aswell as me fearing I might get drafted to this horrible conflict.

Then the sanctions came aswell as a lot of people starting to see ALL Russians in a negative light. Ok I thought nothing I cant get through. Ill just use some escapism into my favourite games.

Steam stopped accepting payments. Warframe, my favourite game, one of my favourite things in life, stopped accepting payments. The last one really hit me. I felt like a piece of my soul died.

How is restricting access to games gonna stop Putin? Is this supposed to get players riled up so they go to protests? Do they realise how much risk it is to go to protests in Russia? It doesnt work and the only thing you get from going there is you get beaten up and jailed. You cant even state your opinion agianst the actions of the government currently on Russian social media without the risk of being arrested. Im walking on thin fucking ice right now btw by telling you that Im against the conflict.

That all aswell as being a closted queer person in Russia is really stressing me out. Aswell as p much erasure and demonisation of Russian culture as a whole worldwide.

My mental health is declining. I cant even get access to medication nor coping mechanisms to get better even tho I have some of each left. I have 3 days worth of meds. Aswell as supportive friends who are like the main thing that keeps me going. Im not gonna lie to you Im starting to have intrusive suicidal thoughts again. After all this time I was getting better and I thought I finally got rid of them.

After all this time recovering Im shoved into this and forced to confront the reality without a way to escape meanwhile when I tried arguing in the comments of the tweet by Warframe announicing that they stop accepting transactions from Russia (even though due to other companies who handle the transactions pullying out it was already impossible) that perhaps it wasnt the right decision and they are hurting their loyal players who had nothing to do with the decisoin by an athorotative regime and that it wouldnt make a dent in Putin's decision of invading Ukraine Im told to put things into perspective and that my siffering isnt as great as suffering of people being slaughtered by my country so I should stop complaining.

Im trying to hold on guys but its getting harder by the day. If this continues on I might not be able to handle college due to mental exhaustion and depression.

By all means support Ukraine but please dont do unnesecery damage to people of Russia. It wont help anyone.

[meigui-jin]

Let's Discuss 'Yandere':

- *all of this situation for research purposes of my character analysis of many 'yanderes' present in media*

I know this sint a post but I'm having massive writers block at the moment- so here's an analysis IG?

Warning!: The topics mentioned are extremely disturbing, Real life issues, talk of sexual perversion and dependency, yandere in general.

Hello, I know this isn't a post but I'd like to talk about it. Also to get to know me a little bit- more or so how I'm going to write about yandere characters or the topic in general.

Though I am no expert in psychology, though I have done a fare amount of research and some personal experience with some of the parts. (I.E, abuse, dependency ect.)

Alright- now let's get into the meat of this.

What is a 'Yandere'?

Well I don't believe that the feeling or expression this word describes exists- let me explain.

As I see multiple similarities between multiple different phenomena for yandere to just not be a stand alone definition or cut and dry.

Though it shares it's main part of concept with the Lima syndrome. To grossly oversimplify it's where someone's captor- (Or person in power) gains positive attraction to their victims (a person not in power). Which is the case in most yandere depictions. Either it be physically, mentally, literally, educationally, socially- you name it! The Yandere has to have some sort of advantage over the victim. Which calling the victim 'darling' is kind of weird but im not here to all about that.

This is a broad statement since this can account for if the yandere is better or the best conpaired to their 'darling' in any way that sticks out. Like earlier examples such as physically- maybe they are pretty strong on their own right and some way somehow their 'darling' isn't? Or maybe mentally, they see themselves better equipped than object of obsession is.

This also goes hand in hand with narcissistic mindsets that they are better than their obsession in some way. That they have a duty to them due to their own inability to do anything about it as the yandere sees. This also can be expressed through self loathing as well. That they are inadequate in something, and their 'darling' is. So they put them on a pedestal- which we'll talk about later. Or that they see their obsession as a good thing or the only good thing that they should care about due to their inability. Depending on the type of obsession the yandere has.

Which is why when there is no power imbalance there is no grounds for the captor to grasp onto. So when people make 'yanderes' who have literally no advantage over their victim it doesn't really make sense to me. But fiction is all about dramatics, honestly exaggerate those flaws or imbalances then you REALLY got a good base for your yandere. It can even be the flaw of the yandere- maybe they aren't mentally well, (which they aren't anyways) and that their obsession is finding ways to cope with their trauma. Or that they are better socially. It can be many reasons as to why your yandere s, well, yandere?

Though in not every case this can be made. Since not ever case can be cut and dry with a power imbalance. So what's another way you can make the yandere- yandere? Paraphilia.

Well lack of a better term it's when a person has sexual desires, is aroused by or having intercourse with an unwilling or non consenting partner. Such as some cases of voyeurism. As well as some other examples such a as exhibitionism or frotteurism. Rare cases show yanderes having voyeuristic behavior as well, as well as all examples in one. Though this is mostly sexual in practice it can also be with a domestic perversion, that they are delusional about the quality- or state of the relationship that they think this is fine. Okay even, that what they are doing isn't bad. Though delusional yanderes don't pose paraphilia within their own minds- but it's with every yandere. Unless their obsession shows signs of Stockholm syndrome- but that's still not consensual since the feelings came out of trauma.

The yandere has to find something appealing about their obsession, which they hyper fixate on to the point of fetishizing it. It's the thing that's most attractive to them- sexual or not. It can be to the color of their obsession's eyes, their skin, an image of a domestic life, physical touch, their voice, habits- anything. It can be more than one too, nothing is ever just one thing. Though it can be both sexual and domestic (any % of each) or purely sexual, or domestic.

Though it can just be an attraction to being, what their obsession is and that they exist and their mear exsistance is captivating the yanderes soul in a death grip. That they can't or will fight due to the sheer euphoria it meddles their mind into- mush really. This is true for any case. Enough for them to throw away moral to chase that feeling and never let go.

This also comes to a sense of entitlement, anger at the supposed suppression of their love. They would feel insulted, offended, or any form of pity- at themselves or their obsession due to the rejection of whatever their delusion makes it. Protection, love, utter devotion, pleasure or any positive trate the yandere sees that their obsession lacks and can only get from the yandere, that they need them, it would never be the same with another. They would do anything to keep this dependency, gaslight, force, intimidation you name it.

Or the yandere finds something they need from their obsession, going through harsh withdrawls when denied access to whatever it may be. And would do anything to get it. As per the prior examples. If it gets so bad that they might even kill for it.

Though murder is something that can only be used sparingly- and with impact. So they probably wouldn't murder just anyone.

No, they'd probably do something horrible- torture the closest person their obsession has to get the message across, or, depending on their personality they would probably snap and attack any living thing that they see a threat. All so they can feel that gross euphoric ecstasy. They'll even kill their own family- no one gives them the intoxicating rapture of pure joy, pleasure or warmth than thier obsession does. So no one really matters to the yandere at this point. Then comfort you as if they'd done nothing wrong- remember all morals are lost in the haze. So deep into their own mind they don't even realize what theyer doing. Or they do- which doesn't make that much of a difference if they understand what thyer doing or not. Maybe a little pity- but the yandere who knows what they're doing is wrong would probably not care, that feeling of obsession and love that it would be a necessary evil. Most of what I've said would be a necessary evil to lucid yanderes.

Which brings in co-dependency/OCD, it can effect either the yandere, obsession or both. Where they feel a duty to their obsession that advises their utter devotion or they might just choke themselves. Anxiety when they've been away too long from their obsession without a momento of them. Separation is completely off the table with them. They would probably go on a rampage if that were to ever happen. Though calmer yandere's would have a higher tolerance to this- but everyone has a breaking point. Especially with the mental instability of yanderes as it is. They would also feel the need to protect their obsession, to a disgusting amount. If their obsession actually did something extremely bad the yandere would just deny, deny, deny. Like with their behavior.

They would never change their behaviors, it's too intoxicating to let go of if they even realize at all. They would gaslight their obsession, intentionally or not that there's nothing wrong with them, there's nothing wrong with this. They would even turn the people around them against their obsession, or they would turn their obsession on themselves. Depends on the type of person the yandere is. They would either be flamboyantly open about their 'relationship' with their obsession, be quiet but intimidatingly noticable about it or they keep their obsession out of public as much as possible.

With the yanderes that let other people breath around their obsession are the ones who has everyone wrapped around their finger. Comments on how cute their relationship is or that the obsession is crazy for reaching out for help, glued to the yanderes side at all times under their blazing gaze. Or the yanderes that breath down their obsession's neck whenever they dare step foot outside. Or the ones who keep them all cuddled/leashed up inside somewhere- waiting for the yandere to return, as if they step outside and risk a leg being broken or a missing persons case. Yanderes are good at keeping their behavior a secret in public, well, most are. Some just can't help it.

Escaping is almost impossible for most yanderes obsessions, it's mostly too late before they even realize what was even going on. Taken literally or metaphorically right under their noses. For reasons their minds would never understand completely from the twisted, dementedly sickly minds of their captors. Since most yanderes would be almost disgusted with themselves during the begining stages of their fall- hiding it from the world and themselves untill they could t help themselves but to indulge in it. 'one more time' turns into thousands. So it becomes a web of lies, unleased trauma, tension and possessive obsession woven into the art that is a yandere. A gruesome, yet captivatingly charming one. Like Icarus- someone who flew too high and was fated to fall.

------

Well that got extremely out of hand. Well this is just a part of the spectrum that I personally see yandere as. Since it's so broad I'll probably have to make a separate post boiling down the types into their bare bones to not make this longer than the bible... Anyways I hope this brought some light onto how I think yanderes are!

[spade-club]

all of the asks for the ask game :3 (im really bored. forgive me.)

thank you so much ily. this took me many hours and is really long. I have had coffee today so please forgive me for these long as fuck posts.

What is one thing you wish everyone understood about DID?

I know I'm not 30 different people!! I know there are not people living in my head!!!! I just didn't know how to cope with existing, so I got broken up into pieces to try to make it easier. I'm one person behind all of this, I know I'm only one person. I'm one person who sometimes acts different and remembers different things and has different opinions and it just so happens those differences all tend to line up and correlate with each other, so I define those correlations. and when I define them, I have an easier time understanding how I am going to respond to different things and what my overall goals are in life. frankly, it can be really relieving to allow myself to connect little pieces in my brain, to figure out what makes me happy when in these different mental states. its self-discovery just like it is for anyone else, and just because I do it over and over and get different results a lot of the time doesn't make me crazy. it just helps me understand the wide array of who I can be and figure out who I want to be.

Are you in therapy? What is your experience with therapy like?

I only have a counselor and I haven't told her about the system, but I think she's aware I have a dissociative disorder and ill vaguely talk about it often. it gets a little hard sometimes to sidestep situations and talk about things but going on a "sometimes this affects me, but I can talk about it unemotionally right now, what do I do in situations where this begins to upset me again" or "I'm really indecisive about this, how do I find a good middle ground that'll actually work/remind myself that x is a good idea" tends to work pretty well. ultimately there's a lot of ways I've found to talk about my system without outright saying it that lead to still getting a little bit of help. still have no access to getting help with trauma work right now but for what I have I think I'm managing. (Also am considering telling my counselor about the DID thing at some point but I may not be seeing her much longer so idk if it would be worth it)

Do you have an inner world? If you do, what is it like?

I do!! it's not very expansive and doesn't get a whole lot of use, not to mention we don't have "inner world memories" or anything but it used to be a castle and the main room was the ballroom with a dancefloor, but it has since been changed into a theatre and those of us on the stage are the ones fronting and everyone in the seats is watching!! there's also a little garden and a big field and a library, some hallways and a couple of rooms (Chloe lives under the theatre seating its actually really cool) I think the bar that was previously in the ballroom has moved to the end of the weird curved hall but I'm not sure!! I haven't seen any of the NPCs since the front room changed. (I could go more in depth about this but it's a lot, esp considering we never use any of it)

What is communication like between you and the others? Do you have any particular systems set up to help with communication?

it's so bad!!! as far as internal comms our voices are indistinguishable most of the time, sometimes people think in pictures but then we can't see them, sometimes it's just feeling random emotions but nothing to go with it which is confusing!! otherwise it's still bad because we forget to check things all the time!! we have to send each other things on Tumblr to actually get them which means that still most of us won't get things if they aren't big Tumblr users/don't have their own account. memory is super super shaky (I think it's getting worse tbh) and like. aaa it's a STRUGGLE!! big shout out to the fact that we can sometimes just remember things as if someone told us, but no one did we just like, remember. like if someone was like "oh yeah when x comes out, they need to do/know this thing" and then they come out and are going about their day and suddenly go "oh! I have to do/be aware of this thing" it's like. the only good thing we have is that happens a lot but not always.

Has any conventional advice for DID ever not worked for you(journaling is unhelpful, can’t visualize an inner world, etc)?

uuuhhhh. idk I don't follow advice I'm just simply better. /Joke that said yeah, a lot of inner world stuff doesn't translate because its super hard for us to focus on it and a lot of it doesn't have very easy real-world equivalents. most stuff I've seen is really good though, but I surround myself with communities that are a bit more grounded in reality, just bc that's how I am too so it's just like, pretty cool :) (shout out Survivors Network im ur #1 lurker ily all so much) finding likeminded openminded communities can be soso healing <3

What does “safety” mean for you?

this question hard :( I don't know really. I don't think I've ever really felt safe? the closest I get is talking to my best friend. I think it's because I know I can tell her anything with no judgement. today I washed a dish for the first time in my 20 years on this earth, and that's something that I think a lot of people would think is weird or have something bad to say about, but I told her this, because I was proud of myself, and she told me she was proud of me too. she cared and was excited for me, for something so stupid that I should have already known. I think that's what safety is. feeling like I could say anything and not be judged, but instead be loved, accepted, and celebrated. and I think that means everything to me. I'm literally holding back tears while writing this haha it's just. so important to me, that feeling. it means everything. safety means acceptance and love, unconditionally. (And by proxy safety means her)

Do you have any introjects? How do you feel about their source? How do they feel about their source?

oh man. we have a few, yeah. 4 I think? two of people we know irl, another real person we don't know personally, and a fictional guy. that's the ones I know anyway. I know the fictional guy struggles the most with separating from their source, they feel very very strongly /pos about it and wants to go back. the introject of the person we don't know personally doesn't like associating with his source publicly (because people are for some reason weird about introjects of this guy SPECIFICALLY) but thinks that the person is very respectable, I don't think he fully likes everything about his source, but he gets why this person is who he was based off of and I think he would be proud of it if people online weren't weird. the ones of irls I don't know as much about, but I think Nat just finds being an introject kinda funny bc that means they get to be in my head lol, idk what they think about real Nat though, and the other one is ?????????? literally no idea but that guy is vibing sometimes (v lucky to not have any bad connotations around the sources any of them have, except maybe one of them but there's a lot of question marks for a reason)

Do you have any non-human alters?

kind of. Ghost is uhm, well, a ghost, and he has a lot a lot of issues with being in a physical body which is like. so strange but I don't want to share any details just in case!! Oz is nonhuman too, but I don't think it affects them at all??? they're like, also kinda ghosty but idk how they define it I can only go based on their source for that and I know they don't fully identify with certain things so idk!!

Is there anything that makes you feel like your experience with DID is “different” than what you see other people with DID talk about?

answer

Who is the most likely to get into a fight (physical or verbal?) Who’s the most likely to try to patch things up afterward?

oh man. I think MJ probably, because he's anxious and irritable and so much symptom, I think he's gotten into arguments more than anyone else heh. and idk about the second half!! usually problems just go away!! though I think MJ also just fixes things afterwards himself when he has to, idk though!! hard to say esp now we're on meds.

Does anyone wish they could make big changes to your body’s appearance?

yes. all the time. the amount of surgeries and tattoos and different hair etc etc etc we would have if everyone were to try to get their way is. so much. we're doing what we can for now but there's a lot of conflicting wants!!

Choose some parts/alters and describe each in 5 words or less.

no <3

What does dissociation feel like for you?

so tired. switching especially makes me feel like I have to take a nap, and my stomach starts hurting a bit and I can't focus my eyes and my thoughts get so disorganized. other dissociation is more like, I just don't feel attentive OR I do feel attentive, but I just can't move my body enough to express that I am paying attention and having full thoughts, sometimes that one lasts hours and I hate it because I can't do anything at all!! and often I get stuck sitting uncomfortably, but I can't move and it bad because I know better but I can't move :((((

How often do you think you switch?

this one's really variable, sometimes it's not for days (rare now that we have no real host) and sometimes its 5 or 6 times in a day! depends on a lot of things! there's also the time MJ was frontstuck for a whole month, so it's like, really varies. on average right now though it's about 2 to 4 a day but we're really bad at knowing who's who anymore bc.... meds are really making us weird (but it's really good for us at least short term so it's okay)

Do any of you experience body dysphoria or dysmorphia?

yes. so much. the hell that is having dysphoria both ways is so wild. and I know dysmorphia is like, so huge with us. it also goes in every direction too, and we haven't been able to figure out the patterns with it yet, but we will go from "why am I so tall" to "why am I so short" and same with body mass n shit. a lot of the time we don't even see anything in the mirror or when we look down, it's all just blurry concept of person. I will say though, despite often not feeling like it's us in the mirror, we actually really enjoy looking in mirrors and I cannot figure out why ?? maybe because sometimes it just feels like another person to talk to because we don't feel like it's us?? idk though!

How many parts/alters do you think you have at this time?

we have 29 written down but its suspected its actually 50 if not more. though if I were to count specifically parts, we've heard from more than once since we started paying attention it would be 20, so that's the number we prefer to use right now, and in terms of frequenters there's 8 of them (yes, I just gave you four different numbers idc its confusing)

If you have younger parts/alters, what makes them happy or excited?

actually, skipping this one bc our main little values their privacy and idk much about the other ones

Do you consider yourselves to be covert or overt about having DID?

both? probably more overt honestly but who tf is even gonna notice anyway? though people who meet candle first would for sure notice something was off if they met anyone else bc when she lets herself be herself it's so wildly different, but she's also closest thing we have to host rn so we're all picking up her mannerisms a bit I think.

Do you experience denial often? How do you react when you experience it?

not really? I guess it's mostly that when we do instead of freaking out, we go "even if that's not what this is, believing I'm a system has helped me significantly, and I am not causing anyone any harm in believing this until I can get a better answer" and then I get over it. the worse denial is about what I've been through and feeling like it wasn't "bad enough" to talk about. best thing for us in that situation is to just disengage with the thing making us feel like that because there's no right answers other than "but it still hurt so it is bad enough" and that doesn't always help.

What grounding methods or skills work best for you? Do different skills work better for different parts/alters?

cold works so well!! ice water or just generally holding or drinking something really cold is great for grounding, but it comes with the added side effect of MJ will probably show up. other than that, it's just. all music. music is literally so everything to us and keeps us grounded better than anything else, I think. we're also pretty big on riding out the dissociation because it usually goes quicker to accept it whenever possible.

What does “recovery” mean for you?

I think, in terms of the two main recovery styles, I think currently we're aiming for functional multiplicity, but ideally having a much smaller number of us at that point. but in terms of what that would mean? I think it's about having a functional life, being able to live on our own or with some sort of partner but not rely on them, have a stable job, be able to keep up with hobbies, finally being able to feel like life is real. really like, the bare minimum for mentally well people lol. mostly I just want to know I can keep up good relationships with others and feel truly like I'm alive, derealization is a bitch, but it's my bitch and I want it dead. 0/10 worst symptom I've got.

[darthkruge]

Anakin Skywalker x Emotionally Exhausted Reader Headcanons 

Warnings: Like one use of language, Reader is just very drained, Anakin is soft and comforting (duh), uhh comfort angst? I think that’s how I’d categorize this? But I tried to go heavy on the comfort and like less heavy on the angst bc my last fic was angsty too lmao

Words: 1.3k

A/N: i didn’t plan on writing this week but i wanted to capture what im feeling rn. and anakin is my comfort character and i cope with things by trying to think of what he’d do to help me, as any normal person does. so this is me rambling and basically just… emotional exhaustion is real and please be gentle with yourself if you’re feeling it. i tried to keep my language very neutral in this, as emotional exhaustion can come from a myriad of situations and manifest in many ways. but yeah taking time to recover after stressful and draining situations is completely valid and okay. in fact, i encourage it :) 

gif credit

If Anakin knew you had a stressful week or day or just went through anything that was tough for you, he’d make sure to be there for you in the aftermath. 

The first time, he’d probably want to run right over and congratulate you for getting through whatever it was that stressed you, which you definitely appreciated, but he could tell something was off. Your eyes didn’t light up like they normally do, your smile didn’t reach your eyes. He knows you so well and he’d definitely pick up on it. 

And sometimes when you’re drained, he’ll come home and see you awake but still and completely spaced out. It worries him, he hates seeing you looking so lifeless. In these moments, his main goal is making sure you’re taken care of.

He knows you have no motivation to do shit yourself, so he does it for you. He doesn’t mind being that person for you and he knows you’ll do it right back for him. So he’ll make you any food you want and bring it to you with some water to ensure you’re still getting some nourishment. 

He’s aware that you have a tendency to just zone out for hours on end. You logically know you have to go to the bathroom or shower or something, but it feels insurmountable and you can’t physically bring yourself to move. So he’ll gently pick you up. And he carries you over to wherever you need to go. And he’ll stay. He always stays. 

Very soft encouragement as he takes care of you. “You’re doing so good, angel.” “I know you’re exhausted; please just do this for me and then I’ll take you back to bed and you can rest again, alright?” “Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

Also he’s so proud of you for getting through whatever you’ve gone through that’s exhausted you to your very core. He’ll frequently say things like, “You’re amazing, my love.” “You got through it, you can rest now.” “You never need to think about it again, okay? It’s done, beautiful.” 

He knows you’ll recover from it. He has complete faith in you, of course. But just because he knows you’ll eventually be okay doesn’t mean he’ll neglect you in the meantime. 

He’s always touching you, too. He knows you like constant, slow motions because they remind you he’s with you. It grounds you. So he’ll be stroking your thighs, running his thumb across the back of your hand, weaving his fingers through your hair, etc. 

He talks quietly, too. You sometimes have headaches when you’re drained and he would hate to make them worse. He always makes sure the apartment is dark as to not strain your eyes, as well. If the headache is really bad, he rubs your temples and places small kisses on them to help ease the tension. 

Anakin is kind to you when you don’t have the energy to talk. He knows that sometimes, all he’s going to get is a hum or nod of approval if he asks you or says something. On occasion, you’re so far gone that he won’t even get that. But then he’ll look in your eyes and the love and appreciation you hold for him is clear. He’s not going to doubt all you have or be frustrated if you occasionally can’t voice it. 

If he sees you start to go too far in your own head and get panicky or stressed, he’ll distract you immediately. Again, he knows you so well; he can 100% tell. When you start overthinking about whatever drained you, whether it be something with your family or friends, your studies, your work, something seemingly random, or something immensely abstract, he doesn’t judge. He’d never make you feel dramatic for being affected by it. 

If you want to talk about it, he’ll listen. Sometimes you feel frustrated; you got through it, why are you still feeling the effects? If you want logic, Anakin explains that your body had been producing an intense amount of adrenaline for a long time and now that the “threat” has passed, all of that adrenaline has suddenly dropped off. That, in itself, is an exhausting process; it makes sense that it took it out of you. But if you just want understanding and empathy, he’s quick to give that to you, as well. 

If whatever the situation was didn’t go the way you wanted or if it brought up some bad memories, he’s a shoulder to cry on. He wants you to get it out, knowing holding in those emotions is never a good idea. He tucks you into his chest, normally placing his head atop yours and just, simply, lets you cry. 

He’s very patient with your moods always, but especially in those moments. If you accidentally snap at him he’s never angry. He knows you don’t have the energy to fully regulate your emotions and everything’s just in overdrive; it’s overwhelming. Of course, you apologize later when everything comes back to you because you feel horrible on the off chance you're not the kindest with him (which is quite rare). He’ll just kiss you, smile softly, and tell you not to worry, it’s in the past. 

And if you’re in that drained, barely conscious state, he brings you blankets. It comforts you and he likes seeing you all bundled up and safe. 

And if you want cuddles? Yes. He’s there, no questions asked. He’ll just pull you into him and let you rest. He knows that you’re sometimes not physically tired enough to sleep, so he just holds you. You might draw patterns on his chest or just stare off silently. Whatever you have to give, he’s more than okay with. 

If you want, he’ll sing to you. The soft melodies always keep you at peace and you can feel the vibrations in his chest when you’re pressed into him. 

Or sometimes he’ll tell you stories. Whether it be from childhood, old missions, the future he wants with you, or something completely random, it’s nice to listen to. He has an amazing mind and you could listen to him go on forever. 

Eventually, you’ll drift off. And he holds you through the entire night.

When you wake up, you’re normally feeling better. You’re still feeling it a little, but being with him really helps revitalize you. Now, you usually have enough energy to actually hold a conversation. The first two things you tell him are almost always “thank you” and “I love you.” Then, you’ll feel guilty for making him help you so the third sentence you utter is an apology.  

Anakin, as always, assures you that’s unnecessary. Then he checks up on you. He doesn’t treat you like a hospital patient because he knows you’re a bit embarrassed, but he does check to see if you’re feeling shaky at all. And, if you are, he’s quick to get you some food and water. 

And he makes sure no one disturbs you. You don’t like it when someone sees you when you’re in that drained state because you’re immensely vulnerable. The thought of anyone other than him seeing you brings you extreme unease. So he quickly reassures you that it’s just the two of you. He’s not going anywhere. 

Also, if your stress was caused by someone else, Anakin takes a quick little mental note. He’s not going to leave to go beat them up because you need him right now. You’re his priority. But he tries to keep you away from them in the future or, at the very least, make them stop or lessen whatever it is that made you so nervous. 

Basically, he’s kind, understanding, and gentle. He thinks you’re amazing for always pushing yourself so hard. But expending a lot of energy, especially in the emotional sense, wears you out. He’s quick to tell you you’re not weak and that this is normal. He makes sure you listen to your body and just rest. He’s there for whatever you may need.

-----

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general tags:

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@anakinswhore @kennedywxlsh @coldlilheart @adamgetawaydriver @chokemeanakin @gayidioot @starwars-whore @katelynnwrites @haydens-moles @serpntines​ @anakinlove​ @rowley-with-ackerman​ @dexthtoyounglings​ @babykinskywalker​ @cluelessgurl​ @april-showers-and-flowers​ @ungodiys​ @beiroviski​ @captainshazamerica​ @alyssa-skywalker​ @mystic-writings 

[ectonurites]

for the character headcanons ask, tim or steph

i ended up doing both LMAO

so for Tim:


A (realistic headcanon): i will stand by this being realistic but TIM CONTINUING TO SKATEBOARD! like okay yes in canon he only used redboard like twice, and once he had his car back he didn’t really rely on it, but he put the time into learning how to and really enjoyed it! i think it would be fun to see him do it more and like i think steph could also skate with him (altho honestly she has more roller skate energy to me but they could still hang out at a skatepark together) i also have this idea for a fic im at some point going to write of Damian finding redboard and Tim being like ‘oh i can show u how to use that-‘ and him being like ‘NO i will do it on my own’ but eventually it becomes a whole bonding thing for them

B (hilarious): other people joke about this a lot but Tim skateboarding around Wayne Enterprises will NEVER cease to amuse me. just the general chaos of a seventeen year old in a power position like that. I think like Lucius and Tam would keep record of stupid shit he does (skateboarding in the office, Interesting fashion choices, the mountain of mugs and takeout containers that build on his desk, his use of glitter gel pens on official documents, threats to pull a seto kaiba and make WE’s primary goals be trading card related, etc) and make a lil scrapbook to give him on his 21st birthday or something when he’s like Slightly More of an adult

C (heart-crushing): Young Justice being Tim’s first friends he can feel real around that he doesn’t think are going to just be temporary. like... i’ve done a lot of rambling about Tim and again we know he’s a kid who grew up going from boarding school to boarding school, he could make friends easily enough but they were very... fleeting. they weren’t meant to last and he went into it knowing that. even though at the start of the group he couldn’t tell them everything, I feel like Young Justice were just the people he eventually was able to be himself the most around, since he didn’t need to hide being Robin. (again him needing to hide being Tim for a while definitely created some distance, but it was very different than hiding the whole hero life from people he knew at home and at school) and then ya know the core four group moving onto the titans together further solidifying this sense of ‘we are a group who can get through stuff together’... until it all falls the fuck apart after Kon dies. and Tim & Cassie have their weird bad coping things. and Bart dies. i think for Tim it would just be so crushing to have the first group he was able to consider being more permanent fall apart like that (not to mention his dad and steph dying around the same time on top of it- being two of the other types of relationships [familial and a romantic partner] that had more permanence to him) and even when people come back and bonds heal, that sense of stability would just forever be shattered, he lost them once and knows that it could happen again and that fear would always be there in the back of his mind

D (canon is a coward and won’t): that he is bisexual LMAO

aaand now Steph

A (realistic headcanon): alright this is kinda canon related but okay. we have seen MULTIPLE alternate versions of Steph with really short hair (future state, that time she imagined herself as nightwing, earth-3) so i really feel like by current-ish canon she’s already thinking about chopping her hair off, like it’s one of those ideas that just every now and then she’ll see someone with super short hair and be like oh... i want that... but never really go through with it (like she’s had some kinda short looks preboot but i think the shortest was like a bob. im talking pixie cut here) and like im imagining maybe after some mission her hair gets caught on something or even burned or idk and she just says fuck it and her, Cass and Tim get back to one of their apartments/a safehouse after patrol and cut her hair in the bathroom at like 4am (yes im aware i place many situations in the middle of the night in the bathroom with friends... [like that timkon fic i wrote a bit ago] its just such a special setting okay) like Cass with the scissors Tim’s holding up a reference pic Steph found on pinterest. it looks great once it’s done

B (hilarious): the eggplant vs purple thing. i think that now in this post death metal world of dc, where everyone’s remembering things from before the reboot, steph should have a small mental breakdown about how she betrayed her old self by rallying behind the color purple (‘enemy of crime and people who hate purple!’) vs how she used to be so insistent her color scheme was eggplant (‘its eggplant. purple would look stupid’). everyone else is having their brains break because of like conflicting memories of their traumas (and she’s got that goin on too, dont get me wrong, she’ll get to freaking out about that later) but steph is just sitting there staring at a color wheel trying not to cry

C (heart-crushing): i’ve seen some fics explore this a little but i think she’d end up doing a lot of thinking about her baby that she gave up for adoption. like that was something she experienced so young and i feel that would just always be a lurking thought in her mind, where is the baby? is she happy? gotham’s a dangerous city, there’s a lot to be afraid about there. Not that she wouldn’t already because she is just a caring big sister type of person, but I think Steph looking out for all the kids in Gotham (especially once she’s batgirl) in some small part could tie back to wanting to make sure her kid is safe out there wherever she ended up. (additionally since she had a rough upbringing with her whole dad situation she just especially is protective over kids anyways. Sometimes I think she might get kinda insecure about it… maybe even question herself about why she’s saving people, is it because she genuinely cares or is it something more selfish? it’s definitely a self doubt i could see manifesting)

D (canon is a coward and won’t) not to be repetitive but also that she is bi i will stand by this

[cassyapper]

jotaro kujo song analysis: “eight” by sleeping at last

i could not figure out what the fuck to title this for a long time. please forgive me ik it’s awkward but it’s the best i got

anyway the song “eight” by sleeping at last made me mentally ill so let’s get into why <3

here’s a link to the song: https://youtu.be/obi4KCh6eHQ

here’s a link to the lyrics i referenced: https://genius.com/Sleeping-at-last-eight-lyrics

be warned there are part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6 spoilers in this

with that let’s begin.

“I remember the minute;/it was like a switch was flipped --/i was just a kid who grew up strong enough/to pick this armor up,/and suddenly it fit” Lengthy first line to start this on i know but cutting it up didn’t make sense so please forgive me… Alright let’s get to the meat of this hm? This line is about when jotaro first manifested star platinum. “I remember the minute, it was like a switch was flipped” fits perfectly with how suddenly and obviously star platinum became known to its user, as jotaro first manifests it when he’s in the middle of a fight, a fight star platinum ends very quickly and brutally. The “i was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up” is about jotaro having the willpower to control a stand such as star platinum and not get ill over it. He “grew up strong enough to pick this armor up”, this armor being star platinum (which, yes, star platinum is armor more than a weapon because its strength is used to protect. This is stated explicitly in the jin hashimoto song “star platinum” which was written specifically with jotaro/star platinum in mind, as the title suggests). It also shows how young jotaro was re the “kid” description; he was only 17, the youngest jojo up to that point. the “and suddenly it fit” also mixes with how suddenly star platinum manifested, particularly how jotaro gained passable control over it very quickly

“God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…/I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive,/and I grew up too quick.” Another long line im sorry it just doesnt make sense to cut it up 😭 Anyway this is part 6 jotaro reflecting on his past self, PARTICULARLY part 3 jotaro, which explains the “god, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…” segment “I was little, i was weak, i was perfectly naive” is kinda gold coming from part 6 jotaro cause end of part 3 jotaro is canonically when he’s at his strongest but i dont think part 6 jotaro is talking about star platinum in this line. He’s talking about jotaro being tactless and rude and pushing away his loved aways in a disillusioned attempt to keep them safe. By part 6, jotaro has to have known his coping mechanism of self-imposed isolation wasnt fair to his loved ones/himself and it clearly didnt WORK as evidenced by jolyne’s situation, so he’s cursing his younger self for it here. Hence, the calling of part 3 jotaro “little, weak, perfectly naive.” part 3 jotaro starts making the bed that part 6 jotaro ends up having to lay in and he hates him for it. The “and I grew up too quick” part is jotaro acknowledging his trauma. Even before part 3 started jotaro clearly had issues and they just kept building and building and building from part 3 and on. Combined with his self-imposed isolation, jotaro had to grow up quick to survive, and this line is part 6 jotaro reflecting on that

“Now you won’t see all that i have to lose,/all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it.” Remember the self-imposed isolation i mentioned in the last line? This line is about why jotaro does that. He hates being vulnerable. He hates relying on others. We only see him comfortable trusting others to take care of things ONCE the entire series, during the steely dan arc, when he believes in kakyoin’s abilities to keep joseph safe and get the lovers out of him safely. ONCE out of the four parts he’s featured in, out of the three he’s prominent in. jotaro does this, as i previously mentioned, out of a disillusioned attempt to keep those he loves safe, hence the “now you won’t see all that i have to lose” line. This behavior is solidified in jotaro at the end of stardust crusaders, when the two final times he tried to trust that others would handle it resulted in the deaths of over of half those he cared the most about (he may have gotten joseph back, but don’t forget that joseph did actually die). Thus, this decisive night ties into the “all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” line. He’s lost loved ones but he won’t lose them again, not in the same way at least. Ironically, the self-imposed isolation only puts his loved ones and himself in danger, but i can get into that later.

“I won’t let you in, i swore never again --/i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” This line kinda ties back with what i was mentioning in the last line, but it hones it a bit more on jotaro’s complete denial of being vulnerable rather than how he acts to ensure he isnt such. “I wont let you in, i swore never again” is a direct tie-in for how jotaro feels after stardust crusaders; he is never going to get as close to anyone or anything the way he was close to the crusaders ever again. Nothing is ever going to matter to him the same way and he is going to make sure of that, as the “swore never again” implies, because he is certain, at least at first, that this will keep others safe. The “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” part goes into how selfish and arrogant jotaro’s mentality is. Don’t get me wrong, jotaro’s self-imposed isolation can be seen as selfless, especially because the main driving force behind it is to keep others safe -- but it’s not the only force driving it. Like i said, jotaro doesn’t want to be vulnerable, and to be sure he doesnt feel that way, he needs to ensure he won’t be hurt. Can’t be sad when people die if you were never close to them, right? So as much as it is to protect others, he also is protecting himself by closing off from others. It’s also arrogant of jotaro to assume he is the deciding factor of who lives and dies, that he gets to choose/manipulate the cycle of life and death by deciding on if he opens up to others. Jotaro had this mentality of being a “deciding factor” shoved into his head during the journey to egypt, and that kinda warps his worldview as a result; everything must be his fault. Things go bad surely because he let them somehow. And it’s not jotaro’s fault he’s ill in the head like this but it is still arrogant, and the “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” line attests to this.

“I want to break these bones until theyre better/i want to break them right and feel alive” Oh jotaro you have the shittiest fuckign coping mechanisms Alright. “I want to break these bones until theyre better” ties into jotaro throwing himself into dangerous situations alone. He’s just so so damn convinced he can handle everything himself -- bc again, he is led to believe he is the deciding factor of life and death -- he just has to try. If things go wrong, it’s bc he didn’t try hard enough, hence the “break these bones until theyre better”; jotaro will hurt himself and will be convinced he deserved it until he “learns” how to be perfect like he’s “supposed” to be. But being perfect isnt something you can learn, you mentally ill motherfucker jotaro. anyway “I want to break them right and feel alive” ties into the fact jotaro would rather break his body over and over and over rather than tell his loved ones he cares. The only right way to be hurt to him is taking a hit that was meant for those he loves. Jotaro is very much a man of action rather than a man of word, and this line is about his rather unique way of acting (that is, getting beat the fuck up over and over) Basically jotaro can’t tell the people he loves that he, well, loves them, unless he is literally dying. Examples of what i mean: jotaro preferred going on a perilous, 50-day journey to just telling holly he loved her; jotaro preferred getting beat over the head with a rock in the lovers arc rather than risk hurting joseph; jotaro preferred to literally get blown up by sheer heart attack rather than tell koichi to his face he is a good kid; jotaro stepped knowingly into a trap for jolyne and had to literally believe he was in fact saying his last words before he uttered “i’ve always cherished you.”

“You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong --/my healing needed more than time” Oh my GODDDddDDDdcdd im sobbing as i type jotaro your head is so so damn ill Okay so i see him spitting this line towards joseph. Let me explain Joseph would no doubt pick up on jotaro’s ptsd and he’ll do his best to console jotaro over the deaths of their friends. But see joseph is ALSO an ill in the head idiot whose idea of therapy is electroshock and who calls ptsd “shell shock”. So all he can offer to jotaro is “youll feel better in time” because that was kinda true for him; he managed to move on in time. What joseph fails to realize is what made him feel better was not time, but the support of those remaining in his life (lisa lisa, suziq, erina, smokey). But jotaro listens and tries to give it time but the thing with jotaro is he just gets worse and worse as time wears on because he deliberately cut himself off from anyone who could console him (as well as got continually traumatized throughout his life), so time never helped but actually made things worse. Thus jotaro spitting “you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong, my healing needed more than time”. In terms of timeline, probably happens right after part 5 jotaro stares longingly at the crusaders picture

“When i see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/i see the familiar” Im sorry every new line i start to analyze i begin crying so im just letting you all know incase the coherency takes a dip (as if this was coherent in the first place lmfao) Anyway so this line in relation to Jotaro is about how he projects HARD on the new generation. We see this w his interactions w josuke and koichi, the “fragile things” (there is no way he didnt see koichi as a filler for kakyoin im sorry. Also he just wants josuke safe with his friends like how he wished he was safe with his own friends as a teenager), how he was wary of giorno, “the helpless things” (jotaro is scared he’ll be similar to his dad, just like jotaro is similar enough to dio to share the same stand power…), and his interactions w jolyne, “the broken things” (angry teen in a prison? Come now). 

“I was little, i was weak, i was perfect too/now i’m a broken mirror” Throwback to the second line. Once again part 6 jotaro is reflecting but the difference here is that part 3 was when jotaro was last unashamedly happy, but more than that, part 3 jotaro was on his way to healing before everything went to shit. like i mentioned earlier, jotaro only relies on someone else completely once, and that happens in part 3. Jotaro is finally able to trust in someone else’s capabilities, which is what he needed to do before he could allow anyone to help him with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hence, why part 6 jotaro would describe him as “perfect”; because he would’ve been perfect enough if he could just trust in others like that again But as the line suggests, that went wrong. Jotaro is now a “broken mirror,” which alludes to the fact that while he projects onto the kids, the kids (the ones that know him at least) project onto him as well, especially jolyne, because in part 6 she finally figures out her dad’s thought processes, as she is experiencing those patterns of thinking too. Jotaro is a role model for them in the sense of “see him? Do the opposite of what he did” KJ;DNJ;DN;SN

“But i can’t let you see all that i have to lose/all that i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” Same meaning as before mostly but the repetition is important me thinks because it mimics jotaro like frantically trying to remind himself why he must be distant when all he wanted to do was go home to jolyne and be her father

“I can’t let you in --/ i swore never again,/ i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” This means roughly the same thing as the previous line that’s similar to this, but the “i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” is less about jotaro’s selfishness/arrogance and more about how he believes enemies will use his loved ones against him and how goddamn, it would work, it would work so well because jotaro loves so, so damn much It’s a shame distancing himself didn’t work the way he wanted it to and ended up making his loved ones even more vulnerable than they would have been otherwise

“I’m standing guard,/i’m falling apart/and all i want to do is to trust you” (Begins screaming and doesn’t stop) okay so this line is about jotaro and jolyne during the beginning of stone ocean “Im standing guard” alludes to the fact that jotaro is still desperately trying to appear distant and uninterested even as he attempts to break his fucking daughter out of prison “I’m falling apart” ties into jotaro failing miserably at remaining cold towards jolyne, how he eventually caves in and tells her he loves her in addition to taking a literal bullet for her, using time stop to ensure he can make it to her to do so. and also this line ties into how he is literally physically shot and how his memories and stand are taken from him “And all i want to do is to trust you” is directed towards jolyne of course. God his whole “i’ve always cherished you” ties in with this line; like i mentioned earlier, jotaro by part 6 knows his self-imposed isolation is useless, but old habits die hard and also he was in very deep by the time he accepted there was no reason to go in the first place at all. So he doesn’t know how to change, he doesn’t know how to trust jolyne, it’d been 20ish years since he last trusted someone completely, but god he wants to. He wants to trust her. It’s all he wants to do hence this line

“Show me how to lay my sword down/for long enough to let you through” So continuing from the last line, jotaro just wants to let jolyne in. he wants to learn how to do that. I think this line is actually directed towards his younger self; 17 year old jotaro managed to let in a person once, after all (more than one person in fact, but all the crusaders). This would also make more sense w my interpretation of how part 6 jotaro calls part 3 jotaro “perfect” in this regard Essentially it’s jotaro thumbing through his memories to figure out how his past self gathered the security to trust in someone else wholeheartedly...which makes the fact that pucci steals his memories particularly fucked up in this context

“Here i am, pry me open/what do you want to know?” Another line directed toward jolyne. “Here i am, pry me open” refers to how after jotaro tells jolyne he cherishes her, all cards are on the table. He’s shown vulnerability, might as well go full throttle. So, he’s willing to talk to jolyne for the first time ever, especially because she’s a stand user now “What do you want to know?” ties into jotaro being willing to open up, but also the fact that jolyne doesnt really know her dad ):

“I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough/to hold the door shut/and bury my innocence” Hhnghg begins wailing this line is again about post-egypt jotaro. A lot of jotaro’s like...emotional maturation (and even some physical) occurred during the trip to egypt and immediately afterward. he’s in pain and desperately trying to rationalize a way he can be in control of never letting something like what happened in egypt happen again, hence the “im just a kid who grew up scared enough” “To hold the door shut” refers to how jotaro cut off other people, even the people who used to know him very well, like joseph and polnareff and holly “And bury my innocence” i mentioned this in another line but this bit also refers to how jotaro had to grow up quickly to survive, considering his self-imposed isolation and his life path of chasing down dio’s remnants

“But here’s a map, here’s a shovel/here’s my Achilles’ heel” This line is SUPPOSED to be directed toward jolyne but inadvertently it is also directed toward pucci. When jotaro says fuck it and gives up on his pretense of disinterest in jolyne, finally letting her know he loves her, he’s finally building the frame of a bridge to jolyne; he’s ready to do what he’s wanted to for so long, no matter how vulnerable it makes him, and that is to be jolyne’s father. However, pucci takes note of this; he knows to aim for jolyne in the final battle because of jotaro’s earlier actions when he tries breaking jolyne out of prison. It really is a shame how the narrative keeps fucking enforcing jotaro’s shitty self-imposed isolation

“I’m all in, palms out, i’m at your mercy now and i’m ready to begin/i am strong, i am strong, i am strong enough to let you in” Hmm i imagine this line being when jotaro meets back up with jolyne after he gets his memory disk back. The first thing he does is hug her and cradle her close to him, showing off to the world, right in front of pucci, how much his daughter means to him. But jotaro, at least for the moment, is not scared to be vulnerable anymore. Ever since he decided to give up his cold facade, he was ready to let jolyne in, and he finally has the chance to do that at least a little right before the final battle, which is what this line is about

“I’ll shake the ground with all my might/i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” Final battle in stone ocean,,, What the “i’ll shake the ground will all my might” line refers to is jotaro’s willingness to use star platinum the world during the battle. He’s ready to go all in to save the world, and most importantly, save jolyne, even if he has to use the source of his greatest trauma to do it. Jotaro’s a key player and he knows it, has known it for a long time, and this time he’s going to use that for his happy ending. And well, as i mentioned in the last line, jotaro’s done with the self-isolation and throws himself into the role of jolyne’s father, at least as much as he has the right to throw himself into. This is mostly what the “i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” line refers to

“For the innocent, for the vulnerable/i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” More stone ocean final battle. The “innocent and vulnerable” jotaro is showing up for are jolyne, namely, but also hermes and emporio, and beyond that, the world. Jotaro understands how serious this is and he’s always been a force meant for protection, so he is here to do just that, which is what the “i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” line refers to. Jotaro doesnt believe he’s a good person -- and he might not be, in the grand scheme of things -- but he does fight for what he believes is right, he always has, he mentions this way back in stardust crusaders during his fight with kakyoin. He’s never going to let injustice stand, especially not when he knows he’s such a key player

“And i’ll give all i have, i’ll give my blood, give my sweat --/an ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” This line actually applies to all the “final battles” jotaro has been involved in; part 3, part 4, and part 6. Jotaro, as i mentioned in the last line, has a strong sense of justice and is a force that first and foremost tries to protect, which the “i’ll give all i have, i’’l give my blood, give my sweat” part of this line refers to. Jotaro gives his all, has given his all, to rid the world of dio’s influence, he ruined his entire fucking life to do so, and this line gives credence to that. “An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” refers to jotaro mourning all the what-ifs in his life, which are all tied with how the outcomes of these final battles go. If part 3 didnt end the way it did, jotaro would know how to trust still, he wouldve been happy even, maybe he wouldnt have had to sacrifice the rest of his life to dio; if part 4 didn’t end the way it did, maybe jotaro couldve gone home to his daughter, maybe he couldve been a bit of a better dad (this is because kids were involved in part 4 even if they didn’t try to because stand users attract stand users, and jotaro couldnt risk doing that to his daughter, so he ends up never coming home); and now for part 6, jotaro hopes that if it ends just a little better than the previous two, jotaro could at least died a satisfying death of sacrificing himself for jolyne, or maybe even got a chance to try mending his relationship with jolyne if they both survive

“I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again” So this line speaks to both physical and emotional states Jotaro was physically “shattered porcelain” when he lost his stand and memory and also was shot, and he was “glued back together again” when he got medical attention and jolyne got back his disks Jotaro was emotionally “shattered porcelain” due to the fact he couldnt trust anyone completely since he was 17 goddamn years old but he’s “glued back together again” in the sense he’s ready to finally, finally try and be vulnerable in order to save his relationship with jolyne

“Invincible like i’ve never been” This line hurts so fucking much because i believe jotaro was optimistic, all things considered, at the beginning of the final fight in stone ocean. After all, he knows he’s an important figure in all this, he has his stand disk and memories back, he and jolyne and the others have a plan, and he has a future he wants to fight for in addition to the world’s continued functioning So he feels “invincible” like he’s never felt before because not even during the part 3 final battle with dio did he have the hope for the future he has now. But then. Then pucci brings out the knives. And the man who could control time never had enough in the end. He dies and cant even save jolyne with his death. The world ends. He failed. I think this is perfectly represented with how suddenly the song ends. It just perfectly encapsulates the tragedy that is jotaro kujo and i cant stop fucking thinking about it

thanks for reading all this if you did. jotaro kujo makes me feel mentally ill

[fipindustries]

Mouth Dreams analysis

MOUTH DREAMS

I dont even need to introduce to you the marvelous mash up works of neil cicierega’s mouth trilogy (now quadrilogy i guess). We all know them, we all love them and we all have our own interpretations of what they mean. For some merely musical shitposting, for others clever experimentation laden with phrases, leivmotifs and themes repeating here and there, and for many a deep and rich bounty of lore, hidden messages, subtextual stories and underlying narratives implied across multiple variations of all star, hidden in the meta data and uncovered only after doing spectrographic analysis on the soundwaves of the songs after being played at x0.000003 times the speed. It is usually understood that all the albums together form a unique and rich tapestry, a coherent whole that can be understood in its totality. Im not here to do that.

I came up with my own interpretation of what Mouth Dreams can be read as, independent from the other albums. Think of it as me presenting this entry as the soundtrack of a musical with its own self contained story. It is the interpretation that i chose to go by and i hope its understood the brilliance of these albums lies on how weird and vague and open ended they are such that any number of different readings can be extracted from them. So lets see the one i extracted, without further ado, lets begin.

Yahoo

It is an out of context, in media res, start for the whole story. We hear a voice, echoing in the void, yelling at the top of its lungs, reaching desperately for human conection. One form of looking at this song is that the voice only receives an empty response from its own echoes, but i dont take it like that. The song is too sublime and too beautiful for these, the notes soaring too high, the desperate plead is being answered. Someone is listening to the plead and answering right back, harmonizing.

This whole album is in a way that howl, reaching to others, and we the audience are answering back, listening. But also on another level, this whole album is the protagonist telling the tragic story of his own life to some sympathetic figure who wants to help, perhaps a therapist, perhaps a friend, perhaps a partner, we’ll see. And as the yelling subsides the story starts proper.

Mouth dreams (intro)

We are being slowly taken into the story, entering the psyche of the main character, entering their subconscious, their dreams, their memories and therefore, their past. We’ll see what life they led and how they ended up where they are now and we start right at his infancy with….

Spongerock

Spongebob is a great indicator that we are seeing this person’s early childhood. They seem to be a rambunctious and energetic child. Cheerful and enthusiastic, yet there seems to be some underlying aggression there. The music is a bit to strong, and in comes freddy mercury berating the poor kid “you’ve got mud on your face, you big disgrace”. Who is this entity being so hostile to a poor kid? What lies beneath that image of a happy kid? We are about to see on the next song.

Just a baby

This is where trouble starts. We are treated to a dramatic song about a poor young baby who seems to be having a pretty sad life. Justin bieber, former teen idol, keeps lamenting about the poor baby being stuck in baby jail. This song is very much about loss of innocence. A shadowy figure of the mother is introduced who tells the protagonist to be a good boy. And almost at the end of the song we get a suggestion of what’s so wrong on this poor kid’s life. His mother apparently “shot a man in reno”. We dont know if this is a literal thing the mother did or if this is a metaphor for the mother doing something horrible, commiting some crime, harming someone in some way. While its not clarified we see strong hints of what the mother could have done in the next song

Superkiller

As we worry what may be so wrong with this kid’s mother we come across the title for this song, ominous. Now in the original Psycho killer the killer was clearly the singer, but in here the song is twisted and turned a bit, recontextualized by the beats of “cant touch this”. It seems like this time is the singer the one who doesnt want to be touched by some nefarious figure (the mother? Is the mother a psycho killer?) maybe the kid saw the mother killing people “i dont like people when they’re on fire”. whatever the case might be the kid is clearly strung up and under a lot of stress and we are introduced to the first hint of the insomnia that will plague this persons life who cant sleep because “my bed’s on fire”. The horrible situation in which this kid is living is taking a severe toll on their mental health. How is he going to cope with this?

Get happy

I think everyone can agree that “come on get happy” is incredibly unnerving when mindlessly repeated over and over. A first read might suggest the kid is forced to put on a happy face, to pretend that there is nothing wrong going on with their life. But as the song progresses it could also be interpreted as the kid being tempted to find refuge from the horror by unsavory methods “get happy” as in acquire happiness of a forced and artificial kind, perhaps drugs. But also “we’ll make you happy”. The kid is not running into a rabbit hole on their own, they are being invited. Its possible that the kid is being seduced by a bad crowd to move into seedy circles as an escape from their life.

Ribs

In here we see the kid, probably a young teenager by this point as suggested by the use of marylin manson in this song, falling deep into debauchery. The specific kind is not needed to know, it could be drugs, it could be sexual experimentation, it could be criminality. Point is this is unhealthy and dangerous and depraved, emphasized by the title of the song “ribs” as a reference to the rumor that marilyn manson removed two of his ribs in order to perform autofellatio. Whatever the case it clearly works, the song is actually a great bop, energetic and upbeat, the kid is content with the situation, at least for a while…

My mouth

This song is the coming down from the high. In here we see at full blast how the life of depravity on the one side and their situation at home on the other have turned the character into a hardcore insomniac, their health is severy compromised “My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed

Dried up and bulging out my skull”. Another way to read this song is as we momentarily cutting back to the present. After all, what we have been seeing until now has been dreams/memories and this is a short look at the wreck that the person is as a grown up, stirring awake from their memories and trying desperately to forget or to go back to sleep where they can have a reprieve. As evidenced by the next song

Aerolong

I dont wanna miss a thing is completely turned on its head. As the lyrics clearly demonstrate is the protagonist who cant go to sleep being chased by their memories, specifically the memories of their mother “I don't miss you, babe, and I do want to miss a thing”. As the person is tossing and turning on their bed, unable to sleep they talk about how they dont miss their mother at all and they want to “miss” her as in they want to forget her.

Sleepin’

The character is constantly speaking about how they are “sleeping with their clothes on” this is due to them falling asleep during their everyday life because of their lack of sleep every night, this person is barely functional, their sleep schedule is broken. Also since this song is about the character actually sleeping it also works as a bridge back into their dreams and so into their past.

Aammoorree

Is another vignette about the character sinking into disreputable states in order to escape their shitty situation as a teenager, this time very specifically about being completely drunk and perhaps experiencing romance for the first time. The character is probably at a club or a party, drunkenly hitting on someone, though chances are without much success as the song becomes increasingly more incoherent and we go into a full black out. This gets bad enough that the person finally has to take a look and….

Where is my mom

….stop. It is highly suggestive that in the album the “stop” is part of this song rather than the last one. The person is not only stopping their current alcoholic binge. They are stopping the entire situation and taking a good look at their life, finally confronting face to face what is happening and why it is so wrong. Now “stacy’s mom” was always kind of an inappropriate song due to it being about a child having a crush on their friend’s mom, as sung by an adult. But as it is recontextualized by the instruments of “where is my mind” it takes on a much darker tone. The romantic words are still there but now with a sinister bent. This time the main character asks their friend if they can go and take refuge at their house and when they ask if the mom is going to be there they sound more scared than eager, specially suggested by the way he seems to be stammering the word “pool”, they are nervous and terrified. They also talk about stacy’s mom as “all they want and been waiting for so long”, probably because all they want is a normal, loving mother. Presumably this song is about the main character finally talking about what is going on at his house with a friend, confessing and that confession gives way to realization

Fredhammer

Then realization gives way to anger. During this whole song we see the teenage character finally grasping how fucked up the whole situation is and he gets progressively more worked up with each successive aggravation “Why did it take so long? Why (hoo!), did I wait so long, huh?

Why??? To figure it out, but I did it (huh?)”. From this we transition to the kid actually confronting their mom face to face. The line “So you can take that cookie And stick it up your (yeah!)” can be read as the mother trying to pretend there is nothing wrong or pacifying the kid with empty gestures of motherhood, by making cookies and the kid spitting that back into their face. The kid gets more and more worked up through the song as we seamlessly transition to the next one.

Limp Wicket

This song is pure incoherent chaos but something very important can be rescued out of the chaos. This song uses the lyrics from the “ewok celebration” which is presumably the song the ewoks sing in return of the jedi after the empire was defeated. So in a way is the kid celebrating that he finally confronted their mother and presumably defeated her. This is emphazised by the recurrence of the lyrics ““So you can take that cookie”. Is not specified how the mother is defeated, maybe social services or the police get involved, maybe the kid runs away, either way this song is triumphant. The evil entity that stole his childhood and innocence has been defeated.

Cannibals

This song is slightly different from the rest. It works as a form of victory lap after the defeat of the mother figure, but also as an intermission since it lies smack dab in the middle of the album, and finally as a transitionary song from childhood to adulthood. Is a time skip, we get to see the person grow up in fast forward as the THX song hits its crescendo. This song also makes it perfectly clear that, even though she was left behind, the mental scars that the mother left are still there and still fresh and still very much stopping them from sleeping “She drives me crazy

And I can't help myself”. 

The outsiders

This works as a way to recontextualize us in the life of the character as an adult. Our so called “feature presentation”. It is not altogether clear who these people being introduced are. They could be the people who came to mean something in this persons life as they grew up after trauma, probably multiple foster homes, social workers, friends, bosses, co workers, etc. the fact that they are being enumerated dissapasionatly could indicate how most of his social relationships were basically a meaningless blur for him who grew up socially distant due to trauma. It could also represent the multiple roles that our character was forced to take as they grew up and the multiple things that went through his mind or meant something. There is clearly some desperate attempts to recapture their lost childhood as figures such as “inspector gadget” or “the ninja turtles part three” are named. The song is a fast montage of views and places. That prepares us for the next song.

Johnny

We finally zoom in and take a good look at our main character as an adult. A sad, pathetic figure, hurt and lonely, possibly not very well liked and certainly not respected as we hear boos all around. Despite all this the character is clearly committing themselves to be a good person, to not hurt others like he was hurt and specifically to not commit the same crimes that their mother commited.

Closerflies & Nightmovin

These two songs might as well work as a single piece since they are both more or less about the same thing. We reiterate how this person has been turned into an insomniac due to the trauma that they experienced as a child “When I'm far too tired to fall asleep”. They are delirious and barely coherent, possibly hallucinating as they think about their life in bed. This is clearly hell on earth and it seems like its just never going to stop “Can't wake up in a sweat

'Cause it ain't over yet” but, with neil’s classic sense of humor, the song immediately ends.

Now that could just be for the sake of irony but there is also another level in which it could be read. This suffering stops because something suddenly changes in this person’s life. What could that be?

Whitehouse

“I fell in love with a girl”

As the lyrics say, the main character met someone special and they are deeply in love. But also, because of the past that weighs heavily on him, he is very trepidatious about wether to go on with the relationship or not. He knows he is damaged goods and he doesnt want to drag her down as well, these fears make it so he never fully opens up to her about his issues “She turns and says, "Are you alright?" I said, "I must be fine because my heart's still beating." 

Wah

The use of “war” by edwin starr is a clever reference about how everything is fair in love and war. Now this song is an important departure since it is sung from the point of view of the girl our main character fell in love with. She is a feisty woman who is very clearly trying to establish the terms of the relationship and demanding her partner to open up which the main character, due to his insecurities, takes as a declaration of war and which he deflects by playing dumb, hence the repeated use of the silly “WAH” by wario. 

Pee Wee Inc

The emotional distance from the man is putting a strain in the relationship, so what once was supposed to “feel good” is now this melancholic and unbearable situation. Is no mistake that the song sampled here is “the breakfast machine” from pee wee’s big adventure. After all  a neglected partner can feel like a breakfast machine, an object that is there just to make your breakfast. On top of this you can see that the insomnia hasnt gone away “My dreams, they got a kissing 'cause I don't get to sleep, no”. In a lot of ways the girlfriend is feeling used as just a relief from the man’s suffering but not as someone who is being truly loved.

1000 spoons

We go back to the woman’s perspective. At first it just seems like a simple melancholic situation where she is sad the relationship is not working, but then we see the woman have a full mental breakdown as the song changes and becomes much more deranged and we get to see what is really happening. The man ran away on their wedding day. This is represented by the lyrics “is like rain on your wedding day” because it means the wedding has been ruined. She is heartbroken by this.

Mouth dreams (extro)

Appropriately as the previous song talked about a wedding being ruined by “rain” this song begins with the sound of rain. This is the big emotional climax of the story, the music at its most dramatic. Now i will admit, even for me this is a stretch, im willing to concede most of what i am about to say is essentially built out of whole cloth and me wanting to fit a neat full narrative into this album where there is none, but hey, what is art for?

Essentially the man is about to commit suicide, possibly by jumping off a bridge in the rain as suggested by the song being sampled “drowning”. The fact that this song is named after the album is a way to signify how everything that we have just seen weighs heavily on the man’s heart, his whole life, his memories, his trauma, and he is finally ready to end it all. He jumps.

But at the last second his wife jumps after him and drags him to the shore, the last we see is her trying to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation, as indicated by the song,”love me mouth to mouth now…” he is unconscious and presumably finally sleeping peacefully (maybe dead?) “...cover me with dreams, yeah”.

It might look like he will not survive, as implied by the sinister version of all star encroaching over the song. But as it looks like all hope is lost he finally WAKES UP.

In a way this song is also when we finally catch up with the start of the album where we saw the man desperately hollering for human contact and merely echos responding, except now someone finally answered, and he is finally ready to open up and share his story.

Brithoven

Even though this song is sung by a single person i choose to take it as a dialog between the couple, both of them sharing their regrets about their relationship with each other, her recriminating the fact that she couldnt have known what he was going through “oh baby bay, how was i supposed to know, that something wasnt right here” and him finally admitting that he needs help “My loneliness is killing me”.

Finally they both agree to try it again and give their relationship a second chance “hit me baby one more time”

Ain’t

Part of me is conflicted about this song, i kind of want to disregard it, mainly because i think its kind of a weird way to end an album and also because i just dont feel is a very good mashup really. The lyrics dont mix that well with the song, they are paced in an inconsistent way and overall feel like they never truly click. On top of that it just doesnt fit at all with the narrative that i have been building during this analysis.

There is talk about alcoholism and parent abandoment, this time by the father, a figure that was never mentioned during the album. The last line says “say it aint so” which doesnt particularly seem to reflect on any of the themes i’ve been building upon. Ultimately i think i will just leave it besides and be content that i managed to fit almost all of the album into one story, this process was never meant to be a perfect dissection of the carefully planned story that neil deliberately crafted but rather me having fun seeing pictures in a rorshach test.

So anyway that was Mouth dreams, let me know what you thought.

[al-in-the-air]

Drip

HBP missing moment - Hermione has imposter syndrome and Ron tries to ---comfort her. Day something of the challenge im failing to :) As always on AO3

-----------

“Oh Ron!”

It has been happening all morning. His mother was getting far too over excited about the OWL results, more excited than even he had been! It was a nice surprise, sure, for him to have only failed 2 of the nine exams, but he really didn’t think it warranted his mother squeezing him to within an inch of his life.

“Mum, stop.” Ron whined, for the fifth time.

“I can’t help it Ron! 7 OWLs! I’m so proud of you!” His mother gushed, wrapping her arms around Ron’s shoulder as he sat at the kitchen table.

It was a nice feeling, being praised by his mother and the first time he had even welcomed it,  he had leaned into her embrace feeling happy and grateful but now it was just getting ridiculous. He could feel his cheeks flushing and his ears reddening in embarrassment as she refused to release him from her grasp. “Thanks mum, you can let go now.”

She did as she was asked, reluctantly, but quickly set her sights on another target. Instead of fully moving away, she stepped just inches to her left and threw her arms around his black haired best friend. 

“And you!” she proclaimed, “Well done Harry.”

His face was priceless, shocked and confused and almost frightened at the sudden force in which the woman had thrown himself at him.

“Er, thanks Mrs Weasley.” said Harry with trepidation. Ron sniggered to himself at the tone of his voice.

“I still can’t believe you got seven OWLs.” Ginny said then, “I genuinely didn’t even think you had a brain.”

Now it was Harry’s turn to laugh as Molly scolded her daughter.

“I’m not taking it back, it's true!”

Ron kicked his sister under the table and smirked as she swore at his foot colliding with her shin. She deserved it, even though she knew she was - mostly - joking, it was still mean.  

They both opened their mouths to retort at the same time, but sensing trouble Harry managed jump in first. “Wanna play a few rounds of 2 on 2 then?”

“Yeah!” Ginny replied quickly, though she was still scowling dangerously. “I’m not going on his team though.”

“I don't want to be on yours either!"

Harry laughed, rolling his eyes exasperatedly, “Okay fine, Ginny, you can be on my team and Ron, you can go with Hermione. Sound good?”

Ron thought about it for a second and knew instantly he was about to lose spectacularly, though that tended to be the case with Hermione was paired up with anybody.

“Yeah cool. Where’s Hermione?” He hadn’t noticed Hermione leave the room, though now that thought about it, she hadn’t been at the table for a while.

“Writing to her parents.” Harry and Ginny said in unison, they both laughed as they caught each others eyes.

Ron scowled. Since when had those two gotten on so well anyway?

“I’ll go get her. You two go get the brooms.” Ron said, secretly a tiny bit excited at getting a few moments alone with Hermione. They’d had a great two days before Harry had arrived. Not that he didn’t love it when Harry was there too. It was just nice sometimes, to have some one on one time with her, after all, she was his best friend too.

It actually took quite a while to find Hermione, she wasn’t at the writing desk in the living room where Ron had assumed she’d be, nor was she holed up in Ginny’s tiny bedroom. He had all but given up and assumed she’d made her way downstairs already when he passed the middle floor bathroom.

The door was ajar, opposing, normal, but as he passed he heard the faint dripping of recently turned off taps that told him someone was in there.

“Er, Hermione, you in here?” he asked, rapping his knuckles on the wood. The door creaked open at the knock. “Oh, er, sorry.”

“No, it's fine.” Hermione said, though it was clear in everything about her that it wasn’t. She was on the edge of the bath, head ducked low and shoulders hunched together. She sniffed as she spoke, and rubbed quickly at her eyes, flinching as she hit the tender skin on her left eye. She looked annoyed at herself as tears started filling up in her eyes again.

“Er, what’s up?” Ron asked tentatively. He couldn’t cope with crying girls. “Do you want me to get mum?”

“No, no! I’m fine!” Hermione replied hastily, rubbing at her eyes more gently this time and raising from the porcelain edge.

“What about Ginny?”

“No honestly, I’m okay.”

She clearly wasn’t though. Ron knew this girl well enough to know when she was about to burst into tears.

“Look, if this is about the black eye, I’m sure Fred and George will have something for it.”

Hermione nodded for a second, turning her head to sniff loudly. So it wasn’t the black eye she was upset about.

What was it then, because it wasn’t like Hermione to just randomly get weepy in the middle of the afternoon? Ron wracked his brain for a second, still standing dumbly in the bathroom doorway. Oh! Bloody hell.

“It’s not a girl problem is it?!” He said hurriedly, hoping against hope he’d manage to keep his sheer horror out of his voice and that she knew what he meant.

“Really Ron? Straight to blaming my period?”

His face and ears flushed again. He could feel his pulse beating in his cheeks. Yep, cool he was wrong. Cool, cool, cool. He wished the floor would swallow him up, or at the very least someone would just avada him. He’d lived a good life, this seemed a reasonable place to end.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “What are you upset about then? You can tell me.”

“You’ll laugh at me.” Hermione whispered to the floor. After what he just said, she was worried he’d laugh at her ?

“I won’t,” he said, and he meant it.

“I’m disappointed in myself for not getting better OWLs.”

“Are you mental?”

The words were out before he even really had a moment to process them and he kicked himself at his insensitivity.

“See!” Hermione shrieked, “I told you you’d laugh at me.” She made to push past him but he was quicker than her, not to mention taller and stronger now.

“No, Hermione I’m sorry. I just don’t understand how you can be disappointed. You got more Outstandings today than me Fred, George, Charlie and Bill combined!”

Tears welled in Hermione’s eyes again, “I just should’ve done better. I have to be good at everything.”

“You are good at everything?” He was being sincere, perhaps more sincere than he had ever been in his life. He wasn’t confident he knew a lot of things, but he was confident he knew that.

“No, you-you don’t understand Ron. I have to be better. I have to do better. I can’t fall behind. I can’t start losing points in exams! I just can’t! I should have gotten an O in ‘Defence’. I should have done better in ‘Runes’.”

She was right, he didn’t understand. He was genuinely confused, he just couldn’t wrap his head around it. Hermione was the smartest witch he had ever known, including McGonagall and his mother. He knew it, Harry knew it. The entire faculty at Hogwarts knew it, and she was the only one oblivious to the fact that she was bloody brilliant.

“Why?” He asked eventually, after a long moment of silence filled only with dripping tap and Hermione’s shuddering breaths. “Why do you have to be the best at everything? You got 9 Outstandings and you're not even happy about those? You could’ve got 100% in every exam you ever did and do in your life and you still wouldn't be happy. You need to give yourself a break.”

“I can’t. I just- I just.” The tears began freefalling. Hermione was gasping in her hysteria and looked as if she was going to collapse to the ground any second.

He didn’t know if it was the distress of seeing her like that, or the fact that she really did look unsteady on her feet but before he could even think about it he did something he’d never done in the five years he’d known her - he pulled her into a hug.  And instead of reacting with horror and confusion like he was half convinced she would, she reciprocated quickly, wrapping her arms around his waist and sobbed into Ron’s t-shirt.

He didn’t like seeing people cry, he always felt uncomfortable and awkward and like he needed to run from the room immediately. Usually he did anyway. While he absolutely felt uncomfortable and out of his depth, the thought of leaving Hermione alone and upset in the state she was in outweighed everything.

They stood there for an unknown length of time, Ron holding onto her tightly and her clutching him as if he was her lifeline. He didn’t know how she did it, but she always managed to smell like ink and honey.

“I’m being silly.” She murmured after a minute.

“If it upsets you it's not silly.” Said Ron with a sensitive that surely didn’t belong to him.

“I just always feel like it's all going to get ripped away from me. I am constantly waiting for someone to realise they made a mistake. That I shouldn’t have gotten my letter and it was all one big joke. I always feel like I have just been lucky this whole time and don’t actually belong here. I’m scared every day that someone’s going to pull me away and tell me it was all some stupid mistake.”

“Don’t be daft Hermione, no one in the world could ever look at you and think you don't belong here.”

“But they do!” she squeaked. “There’s loads of people out there who not only don't think I should be here but want to kill me for it. I feel like I have to fight every day to prove that I am good enough. And I’m not. I’m never going to be good enough! That’s why I'm always so scared to fail exams. I don't want to give them any more ammunition or a chance to tell me I don't belong here. “

All of a sudden it was like every single ‘Hermione-ism” she’d ever exhibited made sense, the time she’d crammed in so many subjects she made herself ill from lack of sleep. The panic and obsession with good grades and her boggart telling her she was a failure.

“You do belong here Hermione. I know it’s not a lot coming from me, but you do. And me and Harry and Ginny and the entire bloody Order are willing to fight anyone who ever makes you feel like you don't.”

They didn’t speak for a while after that but after a few seconds of silence, Hermione’s breathing seemed to return to almost normal and after another couple of moments she pulled away. Eyes dry and once again standing steady on her own.

“Thanks Ron.”

“Don’t mention it.” He said with a smile and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. He had found it oddly nice to be that close to her, even if the circumstances were off. She was warm and shit nicely against him. Plus this is something friends did right? This was friendly? “Anyway Hermione, I really wouldn’t worry. I heard Dumbledore got a T in his ‘Care of’ OWL.”

“What?” She spluttered, looking up to meet his eye.

“Yeah.. His bird kept setting on fire.”

She laughed despite his terrible joke and smacked his stomach lightly. Ron laughed too, happy that she was happy again. Happy that he had made her happy again.

[astro-break]

Quick first thoughts on the first ep of the Hypmic Anime. Spoilers beware (and im writing this as I watch so :p)

Otome’s speech is.... questionable from a persuasive point of view. Manga did a great job of introducing her (which you can read here) but they really cut out the more terrifying parts of her speech and how she uses force to show people that she's not to be messed with

Its cool seeing everyone in their respective environments though. thats cool. Though they could have added Sasara and Kuuko (shhh i know why they didn’t let me dream)

I love how poppy the typography is. Its amazing how the visuals just leap out at you. The OP does a great job of this. The first few seconds before the title really gives me Persona 4 OG OP vibes with the influx of information given. The rest is a clear concise and streamlined way that still gives character. Animation is sparse but still carries across a general idea of each character and shows off each character object. Rendering is really nice and pays a bit of homage to the posing artwork thats done for the MVs. They also do their division hand signals and thats cute

Love how the OP has blatant HifuDoppo and DRB matchup foreshadowing

so far I really like what theyre going for. BB is about brotherly familial bonds and they show the goods and the bads. Jiro and Saburo bickering right out the gate really cements the fact that they get along like cats and dogs but you can still see that they love each other, working together when the situation calls for it

Now the 3d models. Theyre... not great but usable if you don’t look too hard. They serve their purpose and don’t actively detract from the viewing experience.

Visual typography in the rap itself are fun and poppy but they dont.... speak to me? like theyre there yes and I appreciate them but the only ones that got me excited were from Ichiro’s rap

I take my words back the group portion was kickass and I apologize

I love how they interpret the Hypnosis Speakers though. Esp. Saburo’s organs. That was super creative and I love it! If there was one thing that I felt was missing from the franchise was a deeper exploration of the speakers but the anime puts a new and fresh spin on it! Love it, especially with their attack patterns!

If the production team ever feels inclined to, Id love to see those info sheets on Otome’s desk released. There seems to be very interesting info and stats written out about each member (like capabilities, personal status etc.) They all seem unique too so I really really really hope they release images of those sheets

OOOOOOOOKAY MTC. I have such a big biased for them so Im very torn to see what unfolds

Rio striking out on his own is interesting. Out of everyone in MTC hes the biggest team player yet here he trusts his teammates to go ahead. This either displays Rio’s willingness to trust his teammates or it becomes very OOC if the anime wants to set him up as a lone wolf like character

I love how they specify its a drug deal. It means that Jyuto surely will show up and it also shows that Samatoki knows Jyuto’s motives and willingly gives black market info that he knows aligns with Jyuto’s goal. Thats A+ detail writing there and a great establishing characteristic for both of them

OOohhhhhhhhhhhhh man Asunama-san’s voice acting is god tier his work as Samatoki is phenomenal. He pulls of Samatoki’s threatening voice so well with those almost calm words before his voice becomes loud and confrontational. Those rolling syllables in contrast to Komada-san’s almost lyrical and airy speech and Kamio-san’s strict and enunciated words is such a delight to hear. It just speaks to how amazing and great these Seiyuu’s are in order to pull of such amazing work

Im so biased but MTC has such a better rap than BB im so sorry. Just by watching Samatoki’s part, the imagery is amazing. Even the arrival of his Hypnosis Speaker was awesome and sent a shiver down my spine. using the lyrics to form blades and blood was such a great thing to do. Theres so much more variety that just him standing there and shots of his hypnosis speaker. The old fashioned vignette shots, the four panel spread, the nods to old Kurosawa era films are great and I love these small details. Even the typography looks better.

Again, the interpretations with the speakers is fresh and new. Its great and I love the different imagery and attack patterns. Each one is so unique but carries across each different style of rap.

The 3d modles aren’t any better tho lol

(Hi this is Astro who is reading over their assessment again and making a note. Yeah I’m a bit harsh on BB’s rap. I’m not going to change it since I still stand by it and this post is supposed to be a documentation of my first impressions. I think one of the reasons why I’m so harsh on BB is because of their dynamic as a trio of brothers. They Have to have a more uniform approach than the other divisions. Which in of itself isn’t a terrible thing, it just doesn’t catch my eye as much as MTC did. Thats all! I definitely don’t hate BB, they’re maybe my 3rd favorite division out of the current lineup [not including TDD era teams like Kujaku Posse, MCD, and Naughty Busters] its just that their rap was pretty meh)

Samatoki crouching like a real gangstar and the cigarette kiss killed me

sadjkhfjkasdghsadjkcsdjhsdfsjhf im dying i love these trio of dumbasses so uch oh y fod someone save me aaaaaaaa (Astro note here! yeah i died when the jyuto and samatoki’s stomach growled im weak please. Samatoki’s face is just so precious and funny I might set it as a profile pic somewhere)

But also my initial assessment of Rio possibly being characterized as a lone wolf is very much jossed and im very thankful for that. It seems that Rio was simply trusting his teammates to carry out their part of the plan while he carried out his own. I like that, it really shows how much of a team these three are and that they genuinely trust each other. He’s also comfortable enough around them to invite them to dinners after work casually and not just for special occasions.

I really love MTC guys

Oooh! we get Ramuda on his design process which is really cute. the inside of his studio is super cute and retro and i love it. the poppy old music you would hear in a cafe or 90′s resturaunt is also really cute (astro note: yeah i know that in ARB you see the interior of Ramuda’s office but its kinda different seeing it animated)

the translation i have has gentaro speaking in early modern english (Shakespearian english for those who aren’t english nerds like me) but from what I can hear, he doesn’t speak in a particularly old fashioned way? Its more formal than old? and hes speaking without any of his character persona lying thing that he likes to do (as he refers to himself as “Shousei” throughout the segment where hes in Ramuda’s office which is kind of his default pronoun of choice). so its kinda odd for the translation to go in that direction but im not complaining

Gendice banter is gold but it feels... flat? a little? it doesn’t have the same impact as in the drama cds or in the manga? i feel? Also Ramuda using gratuitous english is??? idk how to feel about that

kjshf thats against the rules Ramuda omgggg,,,,,,,, (astro note again: while watching i was under the assumption that using your hypmic for monetary gain such a as buskering [which is what FP is doing] is against the rules. May not be the case but whatever)

FP’s rap might be my favorite in terms of tune and lyrics though. It’s a nice laid back bop and really gives of chill vibes. the integration of 3d and 2d is really nice and i love how they play off each other in the rap. The wordplay is so fun with little nods here and there and the beat is poppy too so it really energizes me.

Ramuda’s rap concerns me slightly since he makes very subtle and small nods towards his past (being created in a laboratory, warfare, and his overall very unpleasant life experiences) but spins it into something cutesy. It could be a coping mechanism, it could be me overthinking it. But it does make me worry a bit. Gentaro and Dice’s rap really play off each other with Gentaro sticking to stories and Dice taking up the baton by carrying on that same imagery but putting his own spin on it.

the self awareness of how scattered they are as a team is interesting though. It doesn’t seem like something you’d speak about in a rap? but i guess since its not really a do or die situation they can afford to be looser on things like this.

Right off the bat, i don’t like how they handled Hifumi and Doppo in relation to Hifumi’s fear of women. Slug made a post once talking about this and I echo many of his sentiments. Hypmic has never been very tactful about tackling this particular issue and while I didn’t have high hopes that the anime would be any better it hurts to see Doppo take away the one thing that allows Hifumi to function within society.

Doppo’s breakdown mirrors a lot of my own mental state when I spiral though its shown a lot quicker than what happens to me oof. that hits close to home. though Jakurai’s advice is. Questionable. Its not the best advice to give to someone but we have no idea what kind of doctor Jakurai is so ill let it slide

Jakurai’s pose looks like hes going to do a mahou shoujou transformation lmao

I don’t have many thoughts about the rap though again. How they visualize the rap is interesting. the different imagery is quite interesting for each of them and the typography is nice a distinct but im still on the fence about the visuals here

The sound is in the same boat. The sound effects either drown out the rap or are too quet but some parts are nice at least. When they talk about Tokyo’s beating heart, the heartbeat sound is a but distracting especially since its only played once. But the imagery is at least nice

I wonder if for the eds they’re going to take a similar approach to what Enstars did and have a four different endings, one for each division. I love the blend of styles here and it really accentuates that although they’re different they mesh well together.

Ramuda’s silhouette though is hilarious. Love it.

:p and thats it. Uh not bad for a first episode. Established all 12 characters really nicely and their dynamics. I had some problems with it but then again nothing is perfect. I look forward to what they show us next week

[k-i-ssmyash]

Pls I would love to hear your analysis on why those mitski songs fit each iz boy (feel free to ignore this but if you'd like do tell bcs I think it is interesting B) )

Oh buddy you've made a mistake. You'd love to hear the analysis? Well I love to talk; I hope your ready for the absolute word vomit and rambling that's under the cut. But yeah, no, i'll never turn down asks like this! Interact with me! I'm but a simple, lonely tumblr hermit.

Let's start off with the first post containing Zim and referencing A Pearl. I tie this song in with his (fandom assumed) character development and how it effects both his mental state, Dib, and his ideology of the Irken Empire as a whole. In a way, I think a lot of us over-sympathize or find common ground with our alien and it prompts us to victimize him and excuse a lot of his actions. And for good reasons honestly? It's easy to do so consider that he was born under the rule of a tyrannical society where flaws are looked down upon. He does wrong but to him it's not exactly wrong, is it? It's unfair to judge him and scrutinize him the same way we do humans. The show is slap-stick at it's core and despite the grim and black-humor based undertones, not much is taken seriously. Although it often ends up in failure, everything he attempts to do is to better the empire, to receive recognition from the beings they hail to about the same degree as a deity. The long and short of it is that he wants to make the Tallest happy. To prove that he's worth their time and that he can live up to everything he dreamed he could be, but the truth is that he can't. He loves the people that hate him the most. It's an abusive relationship at it's finest, really. So he picks up the most unhealthy coping mechanism: Denial. He can't accept the fact that he's a fake invader, or that his Tallest weren't coming to Earth, because it would genuinely destroy him. And why wouldn't it? Pleasing his superiors and contributing to the hive-collective is encoded in him. It's all he's ever known. I specifically chose the given lines "(It's just that) I fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended-" because that's the back-bone of Zim's character. You can take it both literally and metaphorically if you'd like. He's invader Zim. He likes being an invader because it gives him a purpose. The Tallest give him a fake mission and play into his delusion of doing good and being someone important (of being loved, even) and never truly hammer in the fact that he's exiled--not counting the unaired episode or the bit of commentary mumbled under the Tallests breath-- because they find the situation funny to an extent. (also, what gets me just in general with it is that Zim thinks that people like him but he's actually just one big joke and ow goddamn it my feelings) Main lyric(s) out of the way there I similarly associate the song to Zim's uh 'character redemption' so to say. I think he'd struggle to become accustomed to Earth and the fact that he doesn't have to rely on commands to live his life. I relate the line(s): "You're getting tired of me (and all of the things I don't talk about) / You love me so hard and I still can't sleep / It's not that I don't want you / It's not that I don't want your touch / There's a hole that you fill" With his relationship with Dib-- platonic, romantic, whatever-- and the general give and take of it all. He'd like to assimilate and believe in the freedom given by living on Earth. He wants it and in a way Dib provides the stability he needs there and it would be so, so, easy to give in to it. But he can't because the Empire continues to loom over him and his day-to-day life. As it's been proven, without Dib there to provoke Zim, the little alien falls into a depression, not unlike the one he fell into in Enter The Florpus when he saw the truth in his mission. Dib is his substitute, essentially. (there's something to be said with that relationship and how I view it but this is already dragging on and this is only the first analysis, so maybe another time.) And lastly, I'd like to think that the Pearl the song is eluding to can be compared to Zim's PAK. The whole 'Pearls are parasites that live inside of mollusks' bit can relate to the PAK and it's purpose. But I see it more in the sense that the PAK is the second brain, a computer memory drive that grants Zim access to the memories he can't bring himself to forget or delete. I.e., "And it left a pearl in my hand / And i roll it around every night just to watch it glow /

Every night, baby, that's where I go" Every time he takes a step forward, he takes two back because he just can't let go of what he knows (the Empire).

--- As for Dib and I Bet On Losing Dogs, well, it's a little more complicated and I'm still not entirely sure of my break-down here because there's so many layers to apply. Originally when I started messing around with this idea, it was going to be centered on Membrane "My baby, you're my baby, say it to me" and him loving Dib despite his flaws. And I still think it could apply. While Dadbrane doesn't support Dib's paranormal bull-shit, and he shouldn't considering the lengths Dib goes through to prove it (bus hoping, obsessive behavior, the fucking trench-coat) he does support and love his son despite the absentness. Hence the "I bet on losing dogs" and you know, Dadbrane just being there to pick him up and have his back when he really needs to. But then we get to the last line of the first verse. "Tell your baby that I'm your baby" To which Dib, in all of his edgy glory, decided to stick his big-head in to my thought process. I saw it as Dib wishing that Membrane would pick him over Science. Kind of a plea for attention? Like: Put your work away, I know you love it but you need to love me more. Dib has got to have the biggest hero-complex out of everyone in the show. He also has an inferiority-complex that compels him to try and prove himself. Quite frankly, and pun fully intended, he is the underdog. The odds are always against him and he almost never comes out victorious in the end, in that way, I feel like Dib himself is the loosing dog. His belief in the supernatural is the loosing dog. No one will ever believe him, "I bet on losing dogs / I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place" but he's too stubborn to give up. Even if he's mocked and ridiculed he would never stop trying to prove himself correct and would continue to stick to his guns. "I'll be there on their side / I'm losing by their side" He ostracizes himself from his peers by not letting belief go. He is purposely sabotaging his chance of being seen as someone other than the crazy kid.

That being said, the next line is where his Hero-complex comes back into play. "Where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down" in Enter the Florpus, his sworn enemy was in a funk that he knew all too well. Sure, in the end he wanted to use Zim for his own gain, but before that he sympathized with him. And in a way, he possibly wouldn't know how to act if he ever did actually succeed? I couldn't help but think that Dib, who has always lost wouldn't feel like exposing Zim would be a win? He'd miss the fight. Dib would miss the struggle of being beaten down only to rise up when he finally gets some sort of substantial evidence: "I wanna feel it / I bet on losing dogs" he hopes that Zim will come up with something big and bad not because he wants him to win either, but because then Dib has something to fight against. Along with that, the one time Dib actually broke away from paranormal to go along with his father's wishes he was absolutely miserable. He was successful. He made his father happy, he could have made something out of his life but he couldn't; the appeal of Zim and their on-going stalemate was too much to resist-- "I always want you when I'm finally fine / Someone to watch me die" -- Dib is ruining himself by obsessing over the truth and Zim would be going down, right there with him. ahaha, that was a lot wasn't it? It probably didn't make sense either as it's just my personal rambling here, but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and opinions on it all.

[stationed-stargazing]

Hey its me again! I need to vent but I can’t do it anywhere else!

tw; Fighting, talk about mental illness in a bad light, threatening, panic attacks, talk of mental hospitals, talk of dead naming and misgendering. cursing

Ok so I don’t remember everything about last night because someone else probably had to take over. Anyway so last night a friend of mine who we’ll call Joe cus why not? Anyway he was reaching out for support through crisis lines and stuff and our other friend Mist was helping him build up the confidence before to text someone. I joined the call and started helping as well. We then started trying to find a way to get him to a crisis center. My first thought was “Oh! my brother can probably help!” So I went and asked my brother after telling him how long it would take he turned it down. So while they where on call with a crisis line I went and asked my mom if she could help us get Joe there. She got really pissed at me and told me it was illegal and there was nothing she could do. Which was a lie because we originally told the lady on the crisis line I would be getting him there and she knew about the home situation. Beyond that in the state I live in you have to be 12 to consent to your own mental health treatment. He is older than 12 so his parents didn’t need to know. I spent roughly 5 minutes trying to convince my mom ignoring the building panic attack because of how they where talking to me. This was for a really good friend of mine I wasn’t about to back down. She told me I needed to call 911 which I refused he was on a crisis line I wasn’t about to make him do something until he was ready we where working with him not against him. 

Anyway my mom told me to go downstairs and try and convince my dad so I did. Still ignoring the building panic attack at being yelled at. I couldn’t convince my dad and now I had two people very pissed at me. They equated it to kidnapping (it was not) and that if anything happened to him while he was in our car we’d be blamed. Which makes sense but he may be a danger to himself but we weren’t calling a safe to tell on him either. He was a part of this he wouldn’t do that. Eventually I accepted they weren’t going to help and headed upstairs to sort this out and let myself have a panic attack. Then they decided to follow me (breaking all the things the mental hospital told them not to do along the way) saw me having a panic attack and blamed it on him. They started interrogating me on how I knew Joe and so I told them he was introduced to me by my friend Mist and we are all really close. 

My parents though took that as. Someone you barely know asked you to drive him to a crisis center even though hes really far away. Plus a friend from the mental hospital introduced me to someone mentally unstable? Then she insinuated mentally unstable people shouldn’t have friends. Telling me I was having this panic attack not because of them screaming at me but because my friend was being to taxing. Which was wrong I told them so but they refused to believe me because I wasn’t scared at all I was proud. I understand how terrifying getting help can be and I was happy to help him through it. Anyway I told them to leave me alone because they clearly wouldn’t help and they didn’t understand at all. My friend never asked me he needed help getting there and Mist and their family was all sick so they couldn’t do it so I offered to see what I could do. This wasn’t emotionally taxing at all until they started yelling at me.

Anyway sometime into my panic attack I was explaining what was going on to my friend. So he knew I wouldn’t be able to help as much. He understood and was really worried (because they knew we’re a system and this was my parents I could be in danger) anyway they then forced me to hang up. While I was trying to convince them my friends wheren’t bad people. Skylar was close to front and really pissed because these where his friends too. So we where getting really upset and then my mom looks at us and goes “do we need to send you back to the mental hospital?” I was like NO! I don’t need to go back! Skylar was baffled too. See I’ve been clean for 2 days which doesn’t sound like much but for us because we’re a system it’s hard to get everyone to stay clean. Our goal is 4 days right now and we’re proud of being halfway there. We don’t need to go back because we’re not at our worst point which is when you need to be there!

Anyway they forced us to hang up and go to sleep. I did as was told and they took my phone (Im on my computer right now) So then still having a panic attack I started trying to get to sleep. Venting into the air to help calm myself down. Skylar managed to take over for a few minutes and halt the panic attack before I took back over. Then my mom opened the door hearing me calm down and said “give me his adress I’m going to call the police because I feel like you aren’t telling me everything you’re still panicking therfore youre lying.” Yeah no shit sherlock it takes a bit to calm down from a panic attack what did you think? I was being completely honest because I wanted my friend to get help. Anyway Skylar started yelling at her and she told us we obviously don’t care about him if we won’t let her do this. My dad came upstairs again and asked what was going on (my mom played the victim card) and I was pissed. They both left and I spent the next hour trying not to relapse because they took all my healthy coping skills (which where on my phone like, reading fanfic, talking to my friends, music) with them so I was only left with the unhealthy ones. The only reason I didn’t is because my friends are so supportive and do so much and are healing I took that as encouragement to keep safe. By the way they misgendered and deadnamed me that entire time.

[janustrash1]

my sides (masterpost)

hey, sorry that i haven't been posting at all recently. life has taken a bit of a slip downhill and things like my sleep schedule have been really out of wack.  to make up for it i’ve decided to talk about and introduce you guys to some very special characters of mine. my sides.

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before i introduce them, i’d like to talk about what they mean to me.  i got really into sanders sides at a very low point in my life. at this point i already had four characters that i considered my version of the main four sides. they didnt represent anything yet. i only knew that each of them were my version of a respective side. i had also started counselling at this point, and ended up talking to my councillor about sanders sides and how much i love the show and the dynamic. she encouraged me to take these characters and break them down into their essentials. making my first four sides. 

i would talk to my sides whenever i needed to figure something out. i was able to take the multitude of thoughts going through my head and divide them off into things that each side was saying. this made everything much easier to manage in my head as it was basically the equivalent of talking to friends. however a year passed and a new train of thought started occurring. i tried applying it to an existing side but that didnt work so, i made a new one, my fifth side. 

more recently, around the start of this year, i started having some, unpleasant, things happen with my mental state. i would hyper focus on too many things at once, meaning that i got little to no work done, i started having worsening intrusive thoughts, and i just all around felt a bad presence. once again, none of my sides were the ones causing this so, a new onw was made. my sixth and as of writing this, newest side.

my sides are a genuine coping mechanism for me. i have a rare profile of autism that makes it hard to understand my own emotions, and the sides help with that. they also act as someone i can tell everything to, and just generally help me feel less alone from time to time. im putting a lot out here to share a secret that i keep from most with the world, i would appreciate it if you guys would treat me just the same as always.  side note: yes my sides have different genders and some arent the same as me biologically. they are made like this to capture how some of these aspects of me can sometimes be more prevalent depending on how i present myself. it also just made sense to me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyways, now that we know where they came from. i would like to introduce you to them. first up, The four Main sides

Opal (Optimism)

opal is probably the happiest side in the mindscape. she represents my happiness and excitement, as well as some of the content and calm feelings, often relating to my image. before Allison, she was the one to offer words of encouragement when things slipped up. some of the sides refer to her as “Mom” and Allison will often just call her “Wife” Opal wears a lot of pale pink and soft greys, not really one for bright or bold colours, she has an assortment of different headbands and bows but is most often seen wearing a pink cat ear headband. she is a Pan Cis Woman and uses She/Her pronouns

Ray (Reasoning)

Ray represents everything about me that doesnt revolve around my imagination, as well as some things that do. they are my sense of reasoning, there to talk me out of an impossible situation and ground me back to reality. they are here to make plans and help me stay physically and mentally well in the most efficient way possible. i would say that they are the most like a canon side out of all of them, having an uncanny resemblance to Logan as far as function is concerned. they are the “left brain” of the sides. they wear a light blue polo shirt, keeping the collar in place with a neatly knotted scouts neckerchief. they are the only side to actually wear glasses, even though i myself need them but often dont wear them. they are biologically genderless and use Them/They pronouns.

Cameron (Confidence)

Cameron is the most eccentric of all the sides, constantly bellowing his ideas in the most sing-songy, theatrical voice. he is the brightest and most determined, constantly suggesting new and “foolproof” plans to get big and become famous. unfortunately, these “foolproof” plans are often made by a fool. He doesnt always see the bigger picture, much like Opal, he always keeps his eyes on the prize, to such an extent that he often skips steps in his plan. he often wears fancy blue jackets, but his more casual wear is a royal blue button up over a white t shirt. He is a Cis man who uses He/Him pronouns. 

Percival (Paranoia)

Percival, or as we all call them, Percy, is the most quiet and reserved out of all of the sides, only kicking off when something could go wrong. when they were first created, they would do this constantly, however as time has progressed they have realised how this can be a hinderance more than a help, and has taken to not really speaking unless necessary. they are one of the ImagiSiblings, along with Ivory, they were temporarily separated as i got older however, and now they are quite scared of what ivory has become and will keep their distance when possible, but has shown that they very much can still be a brilliant older sibling to the younger side. they are often wrapped in a red blanket, with a black long sleeved shirt and leggings poking out from underneath. when they have to leave the house however, they throw on a red plaid hoodie and a black facemask, a new addition to their wardrobe. they are also biologically genderless and use Them/They pronouns.

now, my fifth side, created around a year and a half after the main 4

Allison (Protection) (Formerly Anger)

Allison was first created as a way to filter out some of the more angry and violent thoughts in my head and make sense of them. they never really seemed like the violent type, more like a protective mother, a role that they very much fulfil better, therefore they were recently changed and allowed to focus more on protecting me and my friends. they have a lot of.... violent suggestions, but they do genuinely care for me and  often stay up with me during sleepless nights, helping me get through the following day. they often wear an oversized blue shirt under an even more oversized black cardigan with a black trilby/fedora hat, sometimes switching the hat out for a plain beanie in the winter. they also carry my headphones in case i need a reminder that i always have music as a way to control my thoughts. they are an AFAB Demigirl and uses Them/They pronouns with female titles (miss, mom etc.)

and finally, my newest side, created around march of this year

Ivory (Impulse)

Ivory was created to explain the constant creative itch i get whenever there are too many ideas. they started off as a sweet, excitable child, but are quick to change when they dont get their way. they are able to shapeshift and will sometimes become threatening and scary if the creative itch isnt met to their standards. they are also the source of most of my intrusive thoughts, often thinking that their suggestions will help. overall they are probably the most dangerous side and we still do not know much about them. their clothes often change but one thing that always remains is a jacket that i actually own covered in various embroidery and collected patches. sometimes this will be worn over a simple t-shirt, sometimes over a black button up. they are the youngest of the sides, being around 10 physically. im not yet sure of their gender  but they seem to like Them/They pronouns

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and there you have it. theres my sides. it honestly feels good to have written this all down and have it in a convenient place to be able to show people. i hope you like them just as much as i do, if you have any further questions feel free to send me an ask or re-blog this post.

thank you so much to any of you who have read this far, i really appreciate it.