#sorry to be a downer but I have to rant about my thoughts in the tags for a sec

[meownotgood]

uuggghhhh my period is making me so moody I feel so happy and then one minor thought and I start crying

[rockinlibrarian]

Post-Umbrella Academy S4 Reaction Part One: Reacting More to the Fandom than the Show (only vaguely spoilery)

I would like to state for the record that I enjoyed The Umbrella Academy Season Four. I had plenty of issues— things that weren’t to my taste, abandoned or neglected plot or character threads, plot contrivances and wasted opportunities— and I wasn’t satisfied with the ending AT ALL (it COULD have worked if done…completely differently?)—but I enjoyed myself, minus the downer at the very end (and I mean VERY end, I was hoping for more post-credit redemption than we got, and that could’ve fixed it for me). It’s like that post I reblogged this morning goes— there’s enjoyment, there’s in-universe sense, and there’s art-of-storytelling sense, and they can all stand separately.

I’d love to chew over the stupid bits and gush over the brilliant bits, but it’s kind of hard right now, because so much of the reactions online are not, well, objectively balanced discussions? People’s issues erased any of the enjoyment, and now the whole thing is trash and I think we all agree this never happened.

I’m not writing this post to call anyone out for that. All our reactions are valid. It just feels like the angry voices drown out the other voices, and it’s made me uncomfortable, and that is ALSO a valid reaction to have, so I just want to put my voice out there, too.

The weird thing about me and The Umbrella Academy is that this is the first fandom where I’ve ever been more invested in fanworks of it than in the original show (and in the comics, not at all. Though I still want to see Viktor and Diego start a punk band). So I think that’s why I’m not Ragey. I wouldn’t say I COMPLETELY didn’t care what happened in the show, but I know that there’s a thousand other AUs of it out there ALREADY. So I honestly went into it almost as if reading a fic of it. In fics there are inevitably interpretations I don’t agree with, ships I don’t care for, things I would have done differently, but the writer loves the same characters as me so let’s see where they go.

And then I leave a comment about all the positives. “Oh, I love what you’ve done with Viktor!” (I won’t MENTION that I think you should have let him get back into music and spend a LOT more time with Five, because it’s not my story, and hey, you have done some LOVELY, thoughtful things with one of the characters that is dearest to me so let me tell you that in this comment!) “I’m REALLY enjoying your Allison-and-Klaus partnership, we don’t see enough of that but it’s so obvious in retrospect that they should be friends. They probably bonded over fashion as children when Viktor was like ‘Sorry Allison you know I REALLY DO want to be friends with you but I JUST DON’T GET IT’.” (I am thinking about how you never really resolved the huge emotional thread between Allison and Viktor in your last chapter, but that’s not what we’re talking about here). “This is admittedly not my ship, but you’ve successfully captured my own beliefs about HOW this character would behave in this situation” (shouting out to @stephsageek for that one, who did it, and did it well, before canon even thought to attempt to. ;) ) I could write lots more in my theoretical Comment on “Season Four of the Umbrella Academy” on AO3, but I don’t want to be too spoilery in this post and I’m just being metaphorical.

Honestly, I’m more upset now after a day of discourse than I was about the ending, and I think it’s because I’m afraid of people rage-abandoning the fandom. Because Legion, the show that started me on Seriously Writing Fanfic, was a mess after season 1. I personally didn’t enjoy MOST of season 2, but I DID enjoy season 3 even though so much of it made no sense, and I can rant about it (Legion did a variation on the same terrible ending as TUA, actually! I have to say that the emotional beats were handled better, but the plot itself was way way stupider). But I didn’t start writing fic until after the dreaded (but not without redeeming qualities) season 2, when quite a lot of people had given up on the show. I’ve written fix-its, mostly ones that embellish on the canon of the later seasons, fixing it without actually throwing it away. I’ve been playing in the whole sandbox for six years now, and “Magic Man of Oz” uses like every grain of sand in it, and it’s my favorite fic I’ve ever written, and I am genuinely sad about all the people who rage-quit that show so will never read it. I am mostly sad that the person who got me on AO3 to begin with abandoned the Legion fandom the moment they finished their epic How Season Two Should Have Ended fic (or before— pretty sure the last few chapters were written with gritted teeth determination to just be Done with the whole thing) and so THEY never read “Magic Man of Oz.” And they were my biggest cheerleader when I started posting fanfic! Honestly, is this whole paragraph just me freaking out about TUA fandom just because not enough people read a fic of mine from a different fandom that was fairly cult to begin with? It might be. Sorry. I apparently have issues?

(That first sentence is really the thesis statement of this post now. The moment I wrote it, I reread it and said, "Oh. THAT'S what's happening with me, isn't it?" My 11th grade research writing teacher is yelling at me in my head to move the dang thesis statement to earlier in this essay, but too bad, this is Tumblr).

I can’t help comparing Legion and TUA, not least because the latter only got bumped up my watch list by someone describing it as “Legion-Lite”— and it really is, in so many ways! But they’re also my top two most-written-for fandoms, and I’ve been toying with a crossover or two— which I feel even more compelled to write now, because it’s post-canon for both shows (even though both shows claim there IS no post-canon— I have found the way!) And it honestly helped ME emotionally to accept the end of TUA when I could immediately say, “OH, well actually, that flows right INTO how I was already going to start working-title A Legion of Umbrellas!” I originally started this paragraph in parenthesis because it seemed like an aside, but it’s really not, because all I’m saying is fanfic flows eternal! and so forth.

So, hi, out there. Just letting out my feelings and hoping someone out there feels the same way (maybe not about Legion— I keep TRYING, but can’t find any takers), and I may still write a more detailed and spoilery reaction post to the show ITSELF, but I had to get this off my chest first.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Jin only has 10% of his military service left, it's amazing how long we've lasted without the whole group together, for me it's been forever and there's still a year left until they come back ehhh

I miss Jin so bad!!! He's almost home :) I'll feel so much better once he returns! It's like the whole group will come back. To me Jin is the heart of BTS in many ways. I say this every time but BTS feel like a collective hallucination atp. We really took for granted all the OT7 content we used to get on the daily!

Sadly, I'm very worried for my Jikook babies. I was 'chill' about this whole enlistment thing until it was their turn. Everyone else seems to be doing okay-ish, but I swear I age a year every time we get news from Jikook. First, it was Jungkook's apparent knee injury, and lowkey the kitchen duty also, since it's hard, and often unappreciated work (seeing women say all that nasty shit about Jungkook's job in the military is truly vile and says a lot about how women see each other); then, it was Jimin's 3 night war simulation thingy (and just Jimin's job in general - he probably has the toughest one of them all). No sleep for 3 nights? Minimal food? Mock shooting and bombing? That is nightmare fuel. I can't believe they have to go through this... Also, I thought Jimin would go alone, but I heard Jungkook would go too (supposedly as back-up since he is Jimin's buddy, or because everyone in the unit goes??), and my concern only increased... My babies really got stuck in the worst possible unit. I truly feel bad for all Korean men.

Anyway, I'm sorry, you always come to me with an uplifting post, and I go all Debbie Downer.. It just sucks. But 2soek are coming! The end is near (for us lmao).

Also, I hope Yoongi is okay. Is he really not going to say anything until 2025? Man, punishing people for being injured and unable to serve the conventional way is shit.

Okay, rant done! Thanks for the ask!! See you again when it's 1%?

[coffee-in-veins]

Just curious here, what's the point of sharing links of pillowfort in Tumblr if it's not visible for those without an account?

hello hello o/

thank you for the ask, especially such a relevant one

i mentioned before, but i don't like leaving my things unlocked after the ai craze had started. my ao3 is locked for user-only too, and i know it cut off a sizeable portion of my audience (which is always a shame and a downer), but i'm not willing to back down on this one. some people reached out to me because they were interested in seeing what i had to offer, and i've sent them invitation links to ao3. now, they're quite avid users, there.

this is more of the same. i'm more than willing to share invitation links to pf, right now i have 50 to spare, and will be able to give more with time - if there will be a demand for even 50, in all honesty. if people want to check what's in the link, it's a rather easy fix.

said fix would require some effort on the reader's part, no denying that, but if they can't spare three clicks to see artists who are unwilling to budge on this ai shitfest and are moving elsewhere... well. then i won't be the one to blame for the lack of trying, here. i've offered ways how to find me and solutions on how to reach me. and based on how the poll is going, some were only here for reblogs. which is fine, too, in all honesty. i get it that writing is far less clickable than art, for example.

i understand that not all would bother. i accept it. considering that some people won't budge and i don't want to feed tumblr ai, i guess there's no way around it. which is a shame, really. a real shame. i finally started feeling like this place was worth the effort, started recognizing people who left hearts and did reblogs. it would be disheartening to leave it all behind. but i cannot stay here in good conscience. that's why i was trying to offer compromises, started that poll, tried to ask how people saw the way forward and am trying to see how can i make this transition as painless as possible.

i understand that uprooting your whole online presence is hard. it's grueling, it's disheartening and demotivating. i understand that the sunk cost falacy is one hell of a beast to battle. but i can't stay. all i can if offer a way to follow or at least keep in touch. to take this route or not is decision for each and every follower i have. or maybe even had, considering my vocal stance on not continuing here. maybe i'm more used to it after burning bridges with most if not all of the ru-related part of the web. maybe i have less to lose. maybe my roots here turned out much feebler than i thought. i dunno. heh. this turned out in a rant, didn't it? sorry about that.

well, then...

tl; dr: i offer invites to pf to anyone willing to spend 2 minutes and a burner email to register if they don't want to create a proper acc for pf so they can see new things i have to offer

[sweetmage]

TW Chronic illness, mental illness, disability stigma, venting (putting it below the cut) Also sorry for sad posting on this fun fandom account so often. I do not have close people I can discuss these things with so sometimes it just helps to yell into the void 😅 Block #Jun Rants to not see it!

I am having a very bad flare up of my chronic illness. Worst in a while!! It affects my emotions very badly. Constant weeping and feeling sick and nervous and very sad on top of that physical illness symptoms and pains like aches, fever, heart flutters, dizziness, headaches, etc. 😭 I developed PMDD about 2 years ago. I went to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack because I was so weak and dizzy and scared and my heart was beating very fast. It was a panic attack brought on by physical symptoms caused by what I later learned to be PMDD.

I like to be open an honest about my disabilities (such as my vision, being neurotypical, and so on) but I have struggled with this one due to how often it gets downplayed due to misogyny and misinformation. It is not "a bad case of PMS", it is a serious and often times debilitating mental health and physical health condition that can completely wreck your brain and body once every 2-3 weeks or so and leaves little time to recover in between. It's exhausting. I feel sad because I think I have lost a bit of myself due to it. I have always struggled with mental health, but since my body decided I needed a new condition I have become a lot more moody and nervous and depressive. I mourn the fact that I am not as fun anymore (and struggle to have fun myself) because often I am self-conscious or sad. I try to project a happy image and push myself to be more outgoing, but it's very difficult and my real emotions slip through a lot. I feel guilty about it, i don't enjoy being a downer and I miss feeling semi-normal and not constantly feeling sick or shaking from fear of everything (intrusive thoughts, fear of judgement, overthinking everything I do or say, etc.). I try to interact with people more but I feel scared a lot. I have a handful of close people in my life but they have their own problems and I don't think I can come to them. I try to make friends online but I feel embarrassed when I say anything to people no matter what it is, even if they aren't actually judging me. I tried to get medication for my depression last month but the psychiatrist was horrible and cruel to me and was very judgmental. I'm not sure what else to do or if there is anything at all I can do. I regret mentioning having this condition to a male psychiatrist... Even today I am feeling very sick in my head and stomach and shaking a lot, but I tried to go outside and have a decent day because I don't want to give up even though everything is hard and has been hard and keeps getting harder. I don't know, at least rambling into the void kinda helps a little. That's all I can really do.

[janesgms]

kinda random but i have asteroid tantalus at FORTY ONE DEGREES of declination???? i'm shocked lol that's so out of orb it's crazy - side note: the right term is out of bound but i have an habit of calling it out of orb including my older posts lmao. just for you to have a notion: my asteroid tantalus is conjuncting my other asteroid young with a 0° orb and my asteroid young is in the 23° degree of declination (out of orb too)

in case you don't know, declination is the measure of a planet/angle/object's latitude - apart from the flat plane we see our chart usually when it shows the normal degrees that is measuring the longitude - in this perspective is represented projected through the ecliptic equator of earth. this is a vertent of astrology that's pretty cool to analyse and it helped me a lot to fill my chart researches.

with declination, we can mainly look at the two "missing" aspects: parallel and contral-parallel, the first has the effect of a conjunction but with only the positive traits (which i presonally consider kind of a trine but a lil bit stronger specially if tight) and the latter has the same effect of an opposition but not as strong.

now about the out of bound (or out of orb like i like to say but i know is wrong 😭) part, is basically the degree of declinations of planets/angles/objects that are further from the maximal declination of the sun (23°26'), and this gives them a totally different energy that can be both good and bad. i'm gonna detail this on other post maybe... so guys, 41° is really wild lmaooo specially considering what tantalus represents. for you guys to have another notion, my boy's tantalus is in the same sign of mine really close to it but its declination is 4° 💀

anyways let's end with the praying bart because if my theory is right then the hole is way downer then i thought. actually i'm thinking of so many theories about this matter lately and i'm anxious to do so but scared of people's reactions to be honest, i just need to put my thoughts in order inside my head first and read a little more so let's be patient with myself

obs: please if you do not believe or study or whatever with declinations and anything on here, just pass ahead, i am not trying to force anything of what i believe to anyone and i am not a professional. i'm just doing it as a hobbie and because i have fun doing this, i love gathering knowledge about this and i do believe in this matter, it makes sense to me, but i totally respect who doesn't and you should respect me. and remember: many of astrology is unknown and a mystery, and it doesn't matter for how many years you've studied and read, you'll never know everything and you'll never be the absolute truth. the key to astrology is having an open mind and trying to see beyond the surface and the obvious or the stereotypes sorry for the ranting lol

[sofflysteel]

Ok, hello. Dobbs rant ahead:

I just have to unload an experience I had the other day with a very dear friend who is also a very “pro-life” person as she describes herself while I am a human who believes that my own beliefs should never interfere with another woman’s pregnancy decisions.

Anyway, she told the story about her church group and their gatherings for prayers to “end Roe v. Wade”. I held my tongue but this response is within.

Basically I suppose I’d love to say I cannot fathom praying for women to meet grave injuries/potential death when a safe and sterile alternative exists. Ok, pray for abortions to end, pray for murder to end, pray for war to end, pray for addiction to end. Man, I hate to be a downer but those probably aren’t going to end even with the prayers. But go ahead and do it, hope is a lovely trait.

I’m sorry for interrupting! Move on, thank you for hearing me out. Deep breath for me. (And I had those thoughts written to her but didn’t press send. Why, I wonder.)

[narrie]

omg bestie, i was at louis’ show yesterday and i am still processing. he’s a great performer, but the atmosphere was so awkward. you could tell there was not a single non larrie in attendance (except me and my friends i guess). there were so many people wearing larry themed outfits and in the queue all some people could talk about were larry conspiracies. there was literally a group behind us that kept showing each other random tweets and saying stuff like “how are antis gonna argue that”. it really made me feel bad for louis because i am sure he KNOWS there are so many people in the audience who twist every single one of his words and lyric and insist his son isn’t really his son and it sucks that his career partly depends on these people. also people in line kept comparing louis’ shows venues to harry’s and i feel like at this point in their career it’s kinda unfair. harry’s success relies so much on gp, and i wish that at some point louis will be able to book way bigger venues too and expand his target audience. there were so many resale tix available yesterday before the show (two friends of mine got some for 18€ two hours before louis’ set started) and we are actually considering heading up to milan to see him again because tickets right now are super cheap, and we really think he deserves support bc i feel like he genuinely cares so much about these shows and this album but the thought of having to hear so much nonsense from other people through the evening is kind of a downer. ugh sorry about this rant, but i have the worst concert hangover. he was great but larrie’s mass extinction when?

nah i'd leave<3 GOD and i thought harry's hamburg show was awful lmao bro i'm glad that louis is just doing his thing and not really focusing on numbers or money, like he has more than enough already and i'm sure he knows that! this festival thing is awesome, he's touring, he's releasing music - it's great for him tbh! i do wish that his fanbase would grow just so the larrie fraction will become smaller but alas. glad u were able to see him tho!

[starrybouquet]

(Preface: This has been sitting in my drafts for months. It’s a little overdramatic. But I’m feeling emotional about a lot of things, and that emotion kind of projected itself onto my fandom thoughts today, and I think it might help to let it out. Thanks to @carothepoet @scullybeane @edisto0304 @x-wingkc for encouraging me to post this. Y’all are so sweet and I love you 💙)

Sometimes I think I care too much.

Scratch that, I know I care too much.

Every chunk of entertainment I have ever loved has broken my heart.

And I look at everyone around me still enjoying it. Or, if the show or franchise is no longer around, at least they’re enjoying the later bits. And I wonder why I can't just sit back and enjoy it too. Because often, it's not that it's bad. It's still good on an absolute scale.

But no. I care too much. I love too hard, and it always hurts in the end. The pain of losing something I love, of it changing from something beautiful and brilliant and shining so bright I can't see anything else to something that has only a dull gleam hurts more than staying in darkness.

To put it less poetically, I don't want to remember things as just "good" when they were great before becoming mediocre. 

This sorta sounds like romantic love, now that I think about it. Falling in love, falling out of love, being betrayed by your love. Only, it's not humans doing the betraying. Of course, this is all stupid because it’s just some video on a screen, or some words on a page, but that’s how the hyperfixation life goes.

We let people feel bad after being dumped or betrayed. Why can't I feel bad when my hyperfixations do the same?

If you can enjoy it all, more power to you. But please don’t come into my rant posts on whatever platform and tell me I should stop being petty and enjoy things instead.

Obviously, I’m not always perfect, and if I’ve been a debbie downer on one of your posts, I’m sorry. I’m working on it. But please know I’m trying. It hurts more because I care more, and that makes everything feel more....more. Just more.

So if anyone ever wonders why I live in my nice little headcanoned universes and guard their doors with a large stick, that's why. This has happened over and over, and it makes me so so wary of trying again. But I will, I know, because I'm impulsive and also because I always wonder if this is the time all that changes.

It won't. But I sure hope it does.

[godcomplexmofo]

vent pls ignore

i just need a moment to vent, empty out the thoughts in my head. i don’t wanna keep living, i don’t wanna die either, like, if someone killed me i wouldn’t mind but i don’t wanna seek it out. i’m so fucking tired of everything, constantly getting worse and worse. i am so tired of seeking out connection to people and being turned away, so tired of not ever being the right kind of person for everyone else. like yeah i’m aware if all my relationships fail it’s probably my fault, i know how common denominators work. doesn’t make it hurt less that i seem to keep getting it wrong and no one will tell me so i can’t even try to fix it. it doesn’t make the isolation hurt less knowing i’m the person who put me here, if anything knowing it’s my fault makes it worse. i’m constantly alone save for the precious few friends i have, i don’t know why they like me but i would rather die than have that change, but i have no one in person to talk to. and yeah, tumblr isn’t the best place to rant about this but it’s eating at me and is easier to scream into the void then to tell people. i don’t wanna be a downer and upsetting but so rarely am i happy that talking about my emotions tends to spiral. so i rather just deal with the sadness alone. it’s one am and i’m rambling on tumblr and feeling sorry for myself. in my defence, mostly to myself, i’m drunk and high and white wine always makes me feel sad

[iamanartichoke]

Started to post this rant on the other post but the conversation was involving so many people going back and forth that I didn’t feel my additions were necessary there; everything I’d want to say was said already, and better. 

But, of course, I still have feelings, so I’m just gonna dump them here instead. 

Under the cut. 

Wow. Just wow. 

Fuck whoever took someone’s TAGGED POST and spread it around for the sole purpose of mocking it. @iamnmbr3 I am so sorry that happened to you. 

Fuck whoever responds to people’s apprehension and negativity with anger and mockery. 

Fuck people who think that the Loki fandom clearly has to be a hivemind, bc anyone who is deviating from the “omg bEsT mOsT AcCuRaTe LoKi dEpIctIoN EVAR i am SO EXCITE” reaction is being shunned, made fun of, vague-posted about, and just generally being treated as if they should not speak AMONG THEMSELVES about their disappointment in what we’ve seen so far of the show. 

Fuck people who submit anonymous ask after anonymous ask to popular Tom Hiddleston ask blogs, obsessing over what people are disappointed in. 

Fuck people who make posts like “omg guess what the whiners are complaining about today!!” and spread them around. (How do you even know what’s being whined about today? Stop fucking seeking it out.) 

Here’s the thing: I am/was excited. I am taking the trailers with a grain of salt. I am examining what Tom has to say about it and considering the sheer volume of content we’re about to get and remaining (cautiously) optimistic. I have never hated the idea of this tv show. 

And for the record, I have never hated Ragnarok, either. I’ve seen it more times than I can count bc there was a time when it was my comfort movie. It was funny and fresh. It got me into Loki enough to actively join and engage in fandom. But even when enjoying it as a comfort movie, it felt much more like crack fanfiction than anything that went in tandem - canonically, characteristically, or tonally - with the first two Thor movies. 

As I familiarized myself more and more with the entire franchise, it was more and more clear to me that there were two sets of characters being portrayed, and that I vastly preferred to engage with the Thor 1/TDW set of characters even while enjoying the Ragnarok set. 

And talking about that on tumblr was interesting and engaging to me, bc that’s how my brain works. I like to dissect things. I like to analyze fiction. I like to be critical. And I enjoyed reading meta and engaging with people who had similar thoughts. 

Until it became clear that this is a fandom that makes you feel like you’re not allowed to be critical of anything, lest you be labeled an “anti” and a debbie downer and a misery queen. Ragnarok was kinda ruined for me in general bc I felt like I was no longer allowed to enjoy it the way I wanted to bc I didn’t also consider it even a good movie, let alone the best Thor movie ever. 

And this is happening with the show now, too. Like I said, I was excited and I was optimistic but the closer we get to the premiere, the more deflated I feel. And it’s because this fucking fandom is ruining it for me. Specifically, the majority of this fandom who is so offended by a small number of outliers who do not care for the new way Loki is being portrayed (and yes, it IS new, and does not mesh with what we saw before Ragnarok, and you can protest that but you are wrong) that they can’t ever shut up about it. 

Yes, I can curate my fandom experience and I can block tags and whatnot but even after doing that, I still keep encountering it. And, also, I feel like I shouldn’t have to block/blacklist 75% of the fandom just so that I can feel secure in engaging with it without worrying about being attacked or made fun of. 

I don’t care if you’re excited about the show. I’m happy for you! If you’re excited and engaging with that excitement in positive ways without shitting on anyone else, good for you. Thank you. 

But it seems like a whole fucking bunch of you aren’t content to just be excited. You’ve gotta stir up discourse shit too, bc - I don’t know, you’re bored? It makes you feel good? It feeds your superiority complex? 

Here’s the facts: You are the ones who are making it miserable for everyone  - you who are doing all of the above things and continuing to make tumblr feel very hostile to everyone who isn’t wetting their pants in excitement about this fresh new Loki stuff. 

Just stop it. Maybe do some self-reflection and ask yourself why it bothers you so much that other people don’t feel the way you do, or ask yourself why you need to stir up drama where there otherwise shouldn’t be any, and whether or not you’ll be happy when the outliers have been driven from the fandom completely and all that’s left is your hivemind of toxic positivity. 

^^^ This is not well-written, it is literally a brain dump, so I apologize if it’s nonsensical or disjointed. 

[agustdef]

XX

Pairing: Johnny Suh x Reader x Min Yoongi

Genre: Angst; Fluff; Friends to Lovers; Coworkers to Lovers

Word Count: 16.1K

Warning: Language; Past Infidelity (not by anyone in the pairing); Mild mention of not great mental health; Implied Smut at the end. 

Rating: PG15

My Weird and Mildly Chaotic Banner Maker: @dee-ehn​

My Lovely Dweeb Beta Reader: @guktro​

A/N: This fic was crafted for the DramaVers collab hosted by the ever so lovely (never tell her I called her that) @namluve​. My fic is based off the K-Drama/Web Drama, XX, which you can watch here if you feel so inclined. Would recommend. (Psst... it’s only 5 episodes all under an hour long.)

Summary: When you work your whole life to reach your dreams of owning a bar you hope that having that dream ripped from under you without notice isn’t a part of life’s plan. And you definitely don’t imagine that it comes with suddenly being business partners with your ex-best friend. But life doesn’t work in the way we want it. At the end of the day you try to focus on the things that make life better, until the two men in your life who hold your heart (something you didn’t think possible) meet and hit if off so well that you’re sure your life is moments from collapsing completely.

The entire time Hyuk spoke YN sat there feeling like she couldn’t process his words. She heard all of it and took it in, but she was stuck on what he’d said when she’d walked into their bar to do inventory on the one day they were closed. Hyuk wasn’t supposed to be there, so it shocked her to see him pacing about but then he blurted something out and she’d never had the chance to exit her shocked state.

“YN, did you hear me?” he asked.

She wasn’t completely pulled from the surreal feeling she experienced, but enough of her became present enough to look at him and nod. Of course, she wanted to retreat into thoughts that said it was all a dream when she saw the pity in his eyes.

“I really am sorry, YN. I had to sell it and I know I said I’d give you a heads up if I ever wanted or needed to give my share up, but it couldn’t be helped. It was the only way to get my father to give into appointing me a position on his board before he found someone else. But I found someone who's done well with other bars and she’s just trying to expand her portfolio, so I’m sure she’ll sell you her half when all is said and done,” Hyuk reassured.

None of his words helped her feel good about it though, if anything she felt worse after hearing him. It became more real as he explained things to her for the third time that night. Her dream of the bar being hers had been so close, she’d almost had all the money to buy him out and it all came crashing down.

To think her phone calendar had a day three months in the future as the day she’d succeed. For a moment all she could think about was deleting it, so instead of responding she pulled out her phone and did just that.

“What are you-” he started, until he noticed what she did.

“YN, I-”

Her standing abruptly was what cut him off the next time; plus startled him to the point where he almost slid from his bar stool. His klutzy actions usually brought her some joy no matter how brief, but nothing in her could muster up any positive emotions.

After she took a deep breath she stared at him with a neutral expression and spoke. “You can put everything I need to know in the office for me to check in the morning. Anything else can be sent to me via email. That includes the new co-owners contact information so that I can set up a meeting with them so we can discuss things. If I need something you didn’t give I will contact you. I hope everything works out just the way you want it, Hyuk. I’m leaving now, lock up behind yourself and mail me the keys.”

With that she turned on her heel and walked out of the door, she needed to put some distance between her and him. As well as her and the bar. Not even Hyuk calling out for her stopped her from leaving, nothing he had to say was something she needed to hear. At least not while her world crumbled before her eyes.

From there she went home. The process was a blur as she relied on muscle memory to get her on public transportation and then walk the rest of the way. By the time she came to she was inside and knocking on the door to her roommate’s bedroom.

“YN, I thought you wouldn’t be back until three,” Johnny said as he opened the door, voice laced with sleep.

However, his inquiry seemed to no longer matter as he took YN in. She’d stopped holding it all in and her body slouched, shaking slightly as the tears poured down her face. Every second or so she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out until the sob finally released itself.

Johnny had her in his arms instantly. Not a word was uttered as he used one hand to press her face close to his chest and the other to rub slow circles into her back. And even when she calmed enough to speak, he merely shushed her and pulled her into his room. She wasn’t allowed to say a word until she was dressed in one of his too big t-shirts and they were cuddled in his bed.

She appreciated it too, because even though she’d been ready to talk her mind needed time to collect itself before she blurted out nonsense.

“Hyuk sold his share of the bar to someone else. Needed to let it go for his dad to give him some position at his company or some shit,” she whispered.

She felt Johnny’s body stiffen as she finished and then felt him take several deep breaths as she felt his heart speed up. He wasn’t a person quick to anger, but in certain situations he just couldn’t stop how quickly it came to head. Especially when he was proven right in a way he wished he wasn’t.

Minutes ticked by as he did his deep breathing and YN expected him to blow up or point out how he’d warned her, but nothing came.

“No, I told you so?” she asked.

That got a laugh out of him, though it was bitter.

“You know I won’t. This isn’t like when you bust your ass trying to get down from a table while drunk. This is your dreams being tampered with by a prick who couldn’t even show his dad he was responsible by co-owning a successful bar, but still managed to get what he wanted at your expense.”

Displeasure coated his every word and though it should’ve made her sad to think of her former co-owner and his shitty behavior she couldn’t help but laugh. It was because as he spoke she remembered all the times Johnny had snubbed or called the man out on his bare minimum rich kid behavior to his face. Johnny had never liked him and it was always clear to everyone, so he never missed a chance to be petty.

Sadly, that amusement went as quick as it came.

YN sighed. “Well, it is what it is now. Can’t change what’s already done. At least he said they only want to own it temporarily to pad their portfolio or some shit.”

In an instant, Johnny pulled back and looked at her with wide eyes.

“So, there’s still a chance?”

Though the hope in his voice boosted hers, she couldn’t get herself to give in. So instead of being as enthusiastic, she nodded.

Johnny’s eyes narrowed at that. “I will allow your non-excitement to slide because you are in shock and hurt, but you’re not going to go back to thinking this is a pipe dream. You can and will get the bar all to yourself. And let’s not forget you’re close to saving enough to start your own elsewhere if it falls through. And before you say it, I know this is your dream place in your dream location, but remember you had another dream location before this.”

Naturally, her best friend didn’t even allow her to voice her negative thoughts, something she was grateful for in that moment. She’d had a rant about how she should give up and all kinds of downer nonsense ready to spill out before he’d called her on her bullshit.

Another sigh escaped her and she nodded before laying her head on his chest again.

“Are you opening today?” she asked.

“No. After the bridal party, who wanted to drink and make perfume all night, I needed a break. And because they went well over their time I got paid double so I could miss three days and still not feel the loss.”

“Then can we stay in bed all day?” she asked.

“Sure, we can order something and watch TV. But can we sleep first, you woke me up too early,” he whined.

It was noon.

YN shrugged. “Fine with me, but I need to go get a bon-”

Before she could finish that sentence a dark purple bonnet was shoved in her face and she barely grabbed it before a thought came to her.

“You did steal it!”

“No, you left it in here after you took down your braids that one day. I found it somewhere in my dirty laundry. I for one don’t need a bonnet and for two, after the time I borrowed your SPF lotion and you nearly murdered me I learned my lesson,” Johnny said.

“You almost made me go outside ashy. My skin was being uneven with its six shades of brown instead of one, I didn’t need it to be dry too.”

He rolled his eyes at that but adjusted them a little so he could press a kiss to her forehead and then got comfortable.

“Yes, yes I know. Now put it on and go to sleep,” he said.

Part of her wanted to say something more, but she simply slid the bonnet over her hair, which was twisted, and laid down.

As her eyes closed her brain drifted to the horror of her morning, but she fought it off and tried to focus on the positive. Johnny was right; she had options, which didn’t leave her at a complete loss no matter how things went and that was a good thing.

Plus, she had Johnny by her side, even if it wasn’t always in the way she wanted. That thought brought a twinge to her heart, but she cuddled closer and reminded herself that moments like that were enough.

“He just dropped it all on you at once? I knew he was a self-centered prick, but damn,” Yoongi commented.

YN had relayed what happened to her main bartender when they’d both come in to prep the bar before it opened. She planned to keep it from him until she met her new co-owner, but he saw through her the moment she walked in that afternoon. Fighting him was futile, something she learned within the first six months of him working there, so she just spilled everything as she wiped down the bar stools.

“Yup. No warning at all, just told me with everything done before I could object. Something about thinking just being straightforward would lessen the blow. Since I prefer bluntness and all that,” she mumbled.

Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed Yoongi pause as he wiped down the counter and turn to look at her fully.

“Does that dumbass still not know what the word blunt means? Because it’s sure as fuck not screw over your business partner and the only person who kept a business afloat while he cried to daddy about not getting the position he wanted because he’s a failure. Fucking weirdo,” Yoongi shouted.

Though it wasn't really funny YN couldn't help but throw her head back in laughter, pausing in her cleaning as it coursed through her. She couldn't even stop the tears that came along with it.

When she finally pulled it together Yoongi was cleaning again, but the smile he wore showed he was happy with his handy work. And YN was thankful for it. He always knew just what to say to make her laugh when she needed it, even if the joy only lasted for a few seconds. It was one of the things that drew her into him as they got to know each other. Past his introverted defense mechanisms was a sweet man who often just did his best to help wherever he could.

The only person keeping her sane most days.

“Well, yeah he is a dumbass I will finally and fully admit it. But, he was a dumbass keeping me from having to put off certain things to keep this place moving forward, so for a time he was worth something. Now he’s just a fucking headache fucking up my plans.”

Silence filled the room after that as they finished sanitizing everything and got the bar set up for patrons. They were ready an hour in advance, which wasn’t something they usually did with YN preferring it to be only thirty minutes before the last thing was finished, but she didn’t want them working as she met the new co-owner.

There was nothing in her that wanted to impress them, but she preferred all the things be in tip top shape and nothing left to worry over as she handled something so stressful. It shouldn't have felt like that, but meeting someone she didn’t know and didn’t choose in a bar they would both own wasn’t fun. Especially when she thought about other people who’d come in before wanting to be her business partner but wanted everything changed. Something that wouldn’t happen.

“You can take a break and go out if you want. I can meet them alone,” she said as she checked one of the mini fridges under the bar one last time.

She expected Yoongi to say he’d go grab coffee from his favorite place to give him that final boost to keep on his customer service voice all shift, but he shook his head no. He grabbed a bottle of water and sat down at one of the tables farther into the bar. It confused YN and she planned to say something, but then the sound of a door opening caught her attention.

They both turned their attention to the intruder and YN immediately felt like the wind was knocked out of her.

In the door of her bar stood Chae Hyungwon, her ex-best friend.

Thankfully, he appeared just as shocked as she was, though he tried his best to pull it together. His usual fake confident smirk made an appearance and his gaze shifted from her to the space around them. His head nodded every so often and soft sounds of approval slipped from his lips as he did.

YN knew it was him avoiding her gaze to prepare whatever non-caring act he planned to put on with her, but that didn’t ease her at all.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

After several seconds of blatantly ignoring her Hyungwon responded.

“Is that any way to speak to your new boss?” he asked.

Shock wasn’t the word that YN used to describe how hearing those words felt, mostly because it wasn’t what coursed through her. It was more like amusement at being some sort of joke to the universe. Amusement and immense sadness.

“Co-owner. You are my co-owner. And let’s not forget that I own most of it,” YN said.

Hyungwon’s eyes went wide. “You’re the co-owner?”

That was a small win for her.

“Ah, so Hyuk didn’t just decide to withhold information from me. At least he’s a consistent idiot,” she said.

There was a beat of silence before YN pulled herself together and decided that she would unleash her feelings later and handle her predicament in that moment.

“So, shall we sit and talk?” she asked.

Hyungwon stared at her for a moment before nodding. At that YN motioned towards a table she’d set up for them and went to sit down. She waited a moment for him to settle in before pushing a folder across the table. And though clearly confused he took it and flipped through the contents.

He scoffed. “What is this, a college orientation? Am I to read and sign all of these, then be punished if I fail to do them or disregard them?”

“Yes.”

That startled him, but YN didn’t give him time to recover.

“That contains all the information that you need to know about this business. How it is currently run, it’s vendors, it’s monthly costs, the excel sheets we use to track information so that we can make small changes here and there to stay on top of how to best run things. And as you saw on top, explains the rules that I’ve laid out for you as co-owner. They are the same for anyone who wants to take on that role and besides small adjustments have remained the same throughout my use of them. They are not fYNible. With a compelling argument I may be willing to bend something but the odds are virtually nonexistent. They must be understood and abided by and any of them that are major violations will be cause for termination of your co-ownership, without a mandatory buyout from me. Which is something that was in the contract that Hyuk gave you, so you’ve already agreed.”

“That’s not allowed. I saw it, but it didn’t go into-”

YN laughed. “You signed a contract without meeting with the other co-owner, the person who owns fifty-five percent of this bar. Thus, not allowing yourself the chance to get all the information. Which means you forfeit the right to suddenly demand a change on something you agreed to blindly. My rules are not outlandish, they are just specific and demand that you are serious or at the very least don’t get in my way.”

Laughter escaped Hyungwon, but it clearly held no humor. For a moment he looked prepared to argue or leave, but he simply reopened the folder and read over the first few sheets. Though there were a few sounds that were akin to disapproval that wasn’t what reflected on his face when he glanced up several minutes later. It was more so a look of mild amazement.

“This keeps anyone who buys in from doing anything slightly shady behind your back or straight up dumb without mutual decision. It’s ironclad, makes sense not to put it directly into the contract since you’re opposed to negotiating that part,” he said.

Part of her felt proud, though it was solely because she knew she’d done things well in that respect. But the other part of her was displeased that the pride appeared from hearing a form of praise from Hyungwon, even if it wasn’t directly from impressing him.

Naturally, he couldn’t leave it on a positive note though.

“Too bad you didn’t come up with one where it stopped him from fucking you over,” Hyungwon mumbled.

“Yeah, so sad, if only we could make those kinds of things for everyone we encounter. Though I guess something for me to hold people accountable for fucking me over wouldn’t be something you’d be personally interested in. Could be used against you,” YN said without missing a beat.

Hyungwon’s face went red after that and she could see a flurry of emotions playing out on his face but could pick up on none. Not that, that lessened her amusement at all. She’d gotten a reaction out of him and it was childish, but felt wonderful nonetheless.

“Is there anything else you need to show me?” Hyungwon finally asked after a minute.

YN nodded and stood from her seat.

“I can show you around the place and explain how things run. However, I ask that you hold all questions until you have absorbed all the information, I don’t mind if you use your phone or something to write things down as I talk. But if you think it’s important to know please stop me and ask.”

All she got was a nod before she led him around the space. She showed him the back rooms, including the office, and explained how things worked schedule wise with everything. Then she brought him back out front and pointed out things behind the bar to get him acquainted with how things worked. Then she led him through the space and showed him the balcony that gave the best access to their view of a skyline and water off in the distance. Once finished she brought him back inside and was about to wrap it up, but then he spoke.

“How many employees are there?” he asked.

“Including myself seven. With the way we currently operate, more aren’t needed, but there is still a chance we could hire a few more.”

Hyungwon nodded. “And I’m guessing he’s one.”

That was the first time YN glanced Yoongi’s way since Hyungwon appeared and she turned to see the male drinking his water and scrolling through his phone.

“Yes, Yoongi has been here almost a year now.”

At the sound of his name Yoongi looked up and while he didn’t seem particularly fond when he glanced Hyungwon’s way he did offer YN a smile, one she returned happily.

After that her attention moved back to Hyungwon who glanced between the two of them and looked prepared to say something but didn’t.

“Well, is there anything else you need or would like to see? We open pretty soon so we’re running low on time,” YN said.

Seconds ticked by as she watched Hyungwon stare at her but seem off in his own little world. It was something that was the norm for when he debated on what to say or do so it wasn’t surprising, but it made her uncomfortable.

“Hyungwon,” she called out.

He snapped out of it and cleared his throat. “No. I’m good. I’ll just sit off in one of the back corners for a while to watch how things go and then leave.”

A nod and then YN left him to do what he wanted. The two waitresses for the night arrived just then and everyone got their behinds into gear. Then minutes later their customers began filing in.

Though YN’s mind reeled from what happened she didn’t get the chance to linger on it, because work became the focus quickly. She enjoyed bartending so she did that alongside Yoongi and though the place wasn’t packed, people tended to order drinks rapidly. And since their bar had made its name for mixed and signature drinks it wasn’t just rounds of shots. They needed to mix drinks and do it right, half-assing it to get it out quickly wasn't something they did. Especially since part of the draw for some, besides the drinks, was watching them being made. They enjoyed some sort of show with it, though neither YN nor Yoongi went all out to impress, just did what they needed to with focus and a slight flourish.

So, by the time she caught her breath and wasn’t focusing on anything work related and glanced up to find Hyungwon she noticed his former spot taken up by someone else. He was nowhere she could see, so she assumed he left and felt herself sigh in relief. It didn’t clear the chaos she kept at bay in her mind, but helped it settle some.

However, she again didn’t get time to linger on it because they’d done the last call and an influx of orders came on. She and Yoongi worked to get them out and were thankful when people began to leave, some stumbling to the exit with the help of security.

From there everyone immediately began working on their sections to clean and an hour and a half later they were all on their way out the building. YN saw off her waitresses and security then prepared to say her goodbyes to Yoongi only for him to be giving her a look she saw when he’d offer to join her on the way home and she’d deny.

Which meant that fighting him on it would’ve been useless, so she just began walking towards the train station.

For several minutes they did so in silence and though YN seemed calm it was clear that she was fighting something off. Something she didn’t want to talk about or at least that’s what she told herself until Yoongi spoke up.

“You can scream if you want,” he said.

That made her pause and then laugh loudly. It brought on looks from the few people lingering about late at night, but she didn’t care at all. One would’ve thought she was laughing at the idea of screaming to release her feelings, but it was more so that screaming is what Johnny had her do when the incident happened years before. He got her drunk, took her to the top of a building and they screamed until she was a laughing mess on the ground. He’d had to carry her home after.

“I wish that was the fix for this. Hell, I wish I didn’t have such a strong reaction to him after all this time.”

Again, silence filled the space as they began walking away and neither of them spoke again until they were seated in a half-deserted train car. Yoongi took that as the perfect moment to bump her shoulder to get her attention and it worked.

“You could tell me about it. You don’t have to of course, but it could help the feelings a bit,” he offered.

At that YN sighed and her eyes closed. A lot of her screamed to let it die so she didn’t have to deal with the emotions again, but a smaller voice reminded her that the feelings would always be there and she probably only felt so intensely because she’d been forced to endure them in front of someone who didn’t know what happened. If it had been Johnny or her by herself she’d be better about it. And she had to remind herself she trusted Yoongi a whole lot, so telling him wasn’t the end of the world by any means.

Once she’d made peace with her choice her eyes opened and she turned so her back leaned against the small wall blocking her seat from the door. She knew that if she told him it had to be while looking at him.

“As you may know I have an ex that Johnny loathes with his entire being. I’m sure you remember that drunk rant that he gave the first month of you working there,” she paused to see his response and once he nodded she continued. “Well, I know he went on and on about planning to beat up all the people who’d ever hurt me, so there were a lot on that list. Anyway, he got to talking about an old friend before he ran to the bathroom to throw up. That friend was Hyungwon or my new co-owner, I don’t think I told you his name. But yeah, he was my best friend. Like that friend I made the moment I came to orientation and looked every bit of the confused foreigner I was. We clicked and he felt like the best friend I’d made in my entire life. Even helped me figure out how to work up the nerve to talk to my ex to ask him out.”

YN sighed and used her hand to push back a few loose curls that had slipped from her bun. The voice telling her to shut up got louder and she knew if she wanted to stop she could, but something about the attentive look on Yoongi’s face stopped her.

“In our senior year things were beyond stressful. He was dealing with family business stuff and his father has always been a difficult man. While I was dealing with trying to find a job so I could keep a visa and stay in the country, while also trying to graduate. We barely saw each other and I barely saw my boyfriend either despite usually sleeping at his every night. I decided to change that one night, I messaged Hyungwon to schedule a hang out and he agreed. Then I grabbed some food and snacks and headed to my boyfriend’s. I was at most an hour earlier than when I said I’d be coming, something not out of the norm for me and it wasn’t like he didn’t know.

“It was so quiet that I assumed he was asleep. I made sure to keep quiet as I settled in and then creeped towards the bedroom. However, I didn’t make it there, because while a few feet away the door swung open and I was met with him in his boxers and a disheveled Hyungwon. They didn’t notice me right away or at least I like to think so since they started making out and didn’t stop until I cleared my throat. The expressions of shock at that point are barely a memory because I’d started to tear up and just turn and left. They both attempted to reach out, but obviously I shut them down.”

After she finished Yoongi’s expression shifted to shock and then anger.

“And yet he acted like he was superior and has nothing to be sorry for when he came in today. What kind of bullshit is that? He should at least appear apologetic,” he said.

YN went to answer, but they were at her stop so she waited until they were off the train and up the steps.

“Hyungwon’s default expression is resting bitch face, especially when trying to hide some sort of emotion behind it. And he will lay it on thick. But he also is likely to force that and a haughty demeanor because he just does. It’s a defense mechanism, especially when he feels wronged in some way. He turned it on me a week after it was clear I wasn’t forgiving him. He’d prefer to be the one who is uncaring, then to endure too much emotion. No matter if he’s the cause of it.”

“What kind of fucked up shit is that? He messed up, not you. You had every right to refuse to deal with him or forgive him,” Yoongi said.

YN shrugged. “To a degree it’s a defense mechanism that I understand even if I don’t agree, but sometimes it does make him more of a douche than he’s going for. But it is what it is.”

They walked the short distance to her apartment in silence and YN couldn’t help but realize how much better she felt. It didn’t fix everything, but it helped more than she thought it would. Johnny usually was the one to get her calm enough to process the rest and she knew that once she told him the news he’d help her overcome the lingering emotions more, but with the chance to vent to the two people she trusted the most it was different.

Once they reached her apartment she turned and pulled Yoongi into a hug. He went stiff for a second before he hugged her back.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“No problem,” he said in return.

She held him for a few seconds longer after that and then let go, gently nudged him towards the cab that pulled up at the most convenient time out of nowhere. Or at least she tried to pretend she didn’t order it when he wasn’t paying attention, but just like every other time she did it he saw through her.

They waved at each other and she went inside once the cab pulled off. On the elevator up she couldn’t stop the smile on her lips. Her brain had halted its existential crisis and focused on the memory of Yoongi’s own smile as the car departed. It was beyond cute and she’d told him that when she’d first saw him do it, but what she felt in the elevator was different. There was an all-consuming happiness and a weird feeling in her stomach as she thought of it then.

The smile didn’t leave until she was sitting at the table with Johnny eating fried chicken too late at night and telling him what happened. He ranted and raved, even made a few threats, which brought the feeling back again, but that time directed at her roommate.

Weeks passed, and though YN hated the arrangement for multiple reasons she got used to it. Hyungwon didn’t try to implement any major changes and most of what he did was stuff she’d planned to do months later when they had more than enough funds for it.

Though there was one thing she’d agreed to that came with some regret. Or at least regret is what filled her as she had to endure a couple who didn’t understand distance and chose to sit at the bar.

The moment they strolled in, clinging to each other, they’d made a beeline for her side of the bar and told her how they’d seen the bar mentioned on the account of some popular new actor and then promptly shoved a phone in her face to show her. All it took was a single glance to know that she’d never seen that man in the bar before and the picture had been taken around a time they weren’t open. He was sitting on the bar’s balcony with a drink in hand and you could see people enjoying themselves behind him, but they appeared to focus on appearing in the right angle of the picture for it not to be fully staged. Which meant it was Hyungwon’s doing.

YN agreed to allow him to expand social media reach because though she did it, sometimes it wasn’t the best that it could be. However, their definitions of expansion differed and about four celebrities that had never been there had posted about having such a good time at that bar. Something that brought in business, but also forced YN and her staff to lie when asked by customers. And customers asked a whole lot when they came in, needing every detail down to what the celeb smelled like.

It was annoying but arguing about it with Hyungwon ended up with her just conceding in annoyance every time. Despite the nuisance of it, she truly didn’t have it in her to keep the back and forth with him on the subject. Doing it just didn’t prove to be worth it.

So, she and everyone endured the nonsense. Though as she watched the couple get increasingly touchier she almost stormed off into the back office to put a stop to it once and for all. In fact, she’d turned to tell Yoongi that she was going to step away but was distracted in a second.

“YN!” Johnny shouted as he approached the bar.

From the moment she laid her eyes on her best friend she noticed the offness. The giant stumbled a little while he walked and there was a slur to his words. His clothing was also a little less put together than usual and though not noticeable to most people it’s something she picked up on after years of enduring his quirks.

“Johnny, I thought you had a date,” she said.

That immediately made him frown at her. Of course, she guessed how well that had gone, but she knew that he preferred to explain to her about how bad it was, so she got the true dramatic effect. So instead of saying anything she allowed him to take up a seat at the bar and got him the coldest bottle of his favorite beer that she had. He took it happily and downed half of it before he began his story.

“She wanted me to be a third in her relationship. Brought the boyfriend and everything. Which we all know I’m fine with and my dating profile says that, but you warn a person beforehand. She said she was single and then boom, boyfriend suddenly.”

He paused and downed the rest of the bottle, which was quickly replaced with another by Yoongi who happened to be moving by. Johnny gave him a grateful nod and picked it up, but just held it.

“And that would also not be the worst thing in the world, but then the entire time the guy kept sizing me up and then asking the most sexually invasive questions. At one point he asked me how big my dick was and seemed ready to whip his out so that we could compare them. I had to drink to get through the entire thing and sped out of there the moment the bill for dinner was paid. Blocked her dating account, her social media, and number on the way here. Then had to block his number, because apparently blocking her wasn’t enough of a hint for them,” he said.

YN winced hearing that part, because she couldn’t imagine enduring something so awkward and then creepy as that. Nor could she imagine not understanding when someone wasn’t interested after such intensive blocking.

Pathetic was the word that came to mind.

“Well, I’m glad you escaped them. You get to drink that one and one more, then you switch to water. Also go back and heat up my lunch or have someone grab it for you, you need something else in you and I didn’t get around to eating it myself,” YN said.

That changed Johnny’s demeanor in an instant and he glared at her, but before he could scold her about not eating properly Hyungwon appeared.

“YN, if you’re not busy up here can you come back into the office to help me with something? It’ll only be a few minutes, I want to know I’m doing this right,” he said.

Johnny’s glare shifted from her to Hyungwon, but neither of them paid him any mind.

“Sure, I’ll be back there in a sec,” she said.

Hyungwon nodded and disappeared again. And though it was clear that Johnny had something to say YN ignored him, turning to tell Yoongi only to get shooed away before she could open her mouth. She shot him a quick thumbs up and then hustled back to the office.

“What’s up?” she asked as she closed the door behind her.

The moment Hyungwon had her close enough he pointed to the screen of their computer and started to explain how he’d tried to do something in the excel sheet for the month’s vendor expenses but something went wrong. He walked her through the whole process before she stepped in to show him what he’d done wrong for it to not to work. And then they went over some of the other sheets to ensure they were right, as well as some of the vendor request forms that needed to get done by that time the following week.

It was an easy conversation and though weeks before YN thought she’d still be awkward and apprehensive; she’d managed to find a good groove in dealing with Hyungwon as a business partner and ignoring the pain from the past. He was someone who put himself fully into his work, so it wasn’t hard to mesh with him on the subject. In fact, he got more work down in the weeks he’d been on board than Hyuk in the years he was YN’s partner. She never minded doing all of the work before, but she also would never deny that having some of the weight off her was refreshing. Even in situations where she had to double check and teach Hyungwon the ropes a few times.

When they were done she stood from her seat and stretched, her eyes meeting the clock to see she’d been back there for almost an hour.

“Is there anything else you need?” she asked.

Though Hyungwon shook his head at first, he stilled for a moment and then whipped around to look at her. The expression on his face startled her with its seriousness, his eyebrows furrowed and the frown on his lips was intense. There was also a glint in his eyes that she recalled from when he found out some not happy news and a part of her worried greatly about what he’d say.

“Actually. I would like to apologize,” he said.

That confused YN for a second because she’d still be in work mode, until she saw the way his body sagged and then it clicked in her head. Her hands went up in defense as she shook her head rapidly.

“You don-”

“Please let me talk?”

And though her whole body screamed to not let him continue she couldn’t find it in her to not let him get whatever it was off his chest. So, she took a deep breath and nodded so that he’d continue, she didn’t trust herself to say the right thing.

“I know I apologized then and I meant it, even if I did the thing where I pretended like it wasn’t my fault and that you should’ve forgiven me. I fucked up on so many levels and I didn’t mean to. I need you to know that it was never my intention, I just… I don’t know how to explain it. That night is a weird blur of sadness, drinking, and feeling someone wanted to be in my presence and cared about my feelings. I gave in for stupid and selfish reasons. He told me you’d broken up over a week before, but even then it wasn’t an okay thing to do. I know that. I knew when I agreed. I knew when it happened. And I knew the entire time after.

“I have no valid excuse for my betraying you like that. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. And I’m even more sorry that I’m messing with your dream. It wasn’t my intention at all. I swear to you I didn’t know you were the co-owner when the contract was signed. And I’d planned to back out after I found out, but it was too early in the contract for me to be able to sell it to you and I would’ve had to sell it back to him. And I’ve worked with Hyuk before, he will continue to fuck things up. And I guess I’m using a lot of words to say I’m sorry and I’m rambling, so again I’m truly sorry.”

By the end of his tangent YN was left confused and unsure. She could see the sincerity, something he’d never been able to fake, and she knew he felt sorry for his actions when it happened, but she didn’t know how to respond. There was nothing in her head that felt like an accurate response to what he’d said. Especially the apologies, because she’d forgiven him a year after the incident. Not in a whole ceremonious way of letting it go to move on, but she realized she moved one already. The hurt wasn’t gone and she knew if she saw him her reaction would not be positive, but she knew that if she did see him and he spoke to her she’d probably be willing to talk it through with him. Hell, she’d thought about it for half a second when he first stepped foot into the bar, but he’d chosen the snooty demeanor and she’d thrown it away in an instant.

All of that uncertainty must have been clear to Hyungwon, thankfully, because he cleared his throat to regain her attention and then smiled at her. A real smile. The first smile she’d seen on his face since the first time she’d seen him again.

“You don’t have to say anything right now. You don’t have to say anything ever really. We can act like I didn’t say anything at all and keep going how we’re going. I just wanted you to know that,” he said.

YN’s mind scrambled to find a response after that because it didn’t want to have said nothing, but she ended up nodding and walking out without saying a word. She’d made sure to keep her expression light and offered a small smile before she turned away so he didn’t think she was running from him or hated him.

With her mind going a mile a minute she stepped into the staff bathroom to use it and run a cold, wet paper towel across the back of her neck to help calm her down. When she got worked up she got hot and needed to be brought down before it spiraled. It only took five minutes before she felt ready to head back out to the bar, though she wasn’t completely herself as she went.

A large part of her wanted to go back and yell at Hyungwon and then have a heart to heart, but she willed herself to keep moving forward.

However, when she reached the end of the hall she wished she’d done that. People seated at the bar had left and moved elsewhere, which made it easy for her to spot Johnny nursing a glass of water. He looked ready to drink it, but something else had his attention. Someone else.

Yoongi was standing directly in front of him, body bent over so that his arms rested on the bar between them. He wore a wide smile and reached over to poke Johnny’s cheek as they laughed together.

They were so close to each other and so comfortable, that it was almost romantic. Then with bated breath YN watched as Johnny ran his hand through his hair and winked at Yoongi, something he only ever did when he was flirting. A quirk that she’d pointed out to him once that he’d never noticed he did. But that wasn’t what made her stomach churn, it was the light blush that coated Yoongi’s cheeks as he punched Johnny’s arm.

Both men were flirting with each other and by their expressions it was far from the playful kind they’d done once when some girl kept hitting on Yoongi and wouldn’t understand no until Johnny stepped in as his “boyfriend.” Oh no, their flirting was real and natural.

And YN didn’t know which one it hurt more seeing do it.

At least once a month there was an event held at the bar and so YN wouldn’t open it to the general public. And by some miracle one fell on a Sunday and was during midafternoon, which meant she didn’t have work the next day and they wouldn’t be open late into the night. Both things were something she needed after over a week of feeling at her lowest.

The down feeling wasn’t new by any means, but it didn’t make it easier. Nor did her avoidance of Johnny, who usually knew the right things to say to get her out of a funk.

It was a consequence of her avoiding her roommate.

After she’d seen his interactions with Yoongi at the club she’d gotten over things pretty quickly, but they didn’t stop there. Though both males had talked before their communication ramped up. They were texting often and sometimes even video chatting. Along with that came an increase of them hanging out. On one free day YN had swung by to bring Johnny food at his shop, but when she appeared Yoongi was already there and they were eating. Of course, they invited her to join and she did, but it hadn’t been fun for her. Which was how she described all her hang outs with them. It was the constant third wheel kind of feeling and seeing as she had no time to adjust to her realization of feelings for both of them, she definitely didn’t have time to adjust to them possibly getting together.

All of it was too much at once and only aided along the low she felt. Which meant she turned to avoiding them when she could. Some things were changing for the club and that meant she had a built-in excuse to be busy. That coupled with her clearly being down meant that they left her be when she said she wanted to venture out alone or with other friends. And they definitely didn’t stop her if she just said she wanted to lay in bed all day and be left alone. She’d ensured that she did it a normal amount so not to alarm them and it worked for her.

Well, only worked in the matters of not being forced to third wheel. Though the times they hung out in the apartment while she locked herself in her room didn’t do much for her whole, dealing with feelings plan.

Not that she dealt with them well when not around them.

However, the day of the event she saw the light at the end of the tunnel for her funk. YN woke up feeling on top of the world and everything ran so smoothly from then on. They’d set up, received the guests, and kept the event running without incident. Minus the very drunk man who got weirdly passionate about telling the story about how the wine he was drinking was made and then proceeded to spill it.

Hell, even seeing how Hyungwon and his boyfriend mingled without issue brought her some sort of joy. And that joy was how her brain drowned out the voice that told her that Hyungwon’s boyfriend seemed familiar and not in the good way. Something that would have persisted if not for Johnny having approached her.

“Isn’t that the guy who showed up to that weeklong dating event with a different person each time?” he asked YN.

That was all it took for her brain to kick into gear and her head whipped over to look where Hyungwon stood with him. It took a single second to see his face and then recall all the times he’d come in with people and sometimes left with someone else. Or at the very least flirted with others, slipping people, including YN, his number while his date was preoccupied. He’d made her uncomfortable.

Those things weren’t cool and alone were enough to alarm YN, but that wasn’t the issue she found herself focused on when she stared him down. No, the problem was that when Hyungwon had appeared at the bar and introduced his boyfriend he’d spoken of how they’d been together for almost two years. That series of events had happened only two months before he became her co-owner. Meaning the man was a worse cheater than she’d thought he was.

“Oh, fuck me,” she groaned.

“Yeah,” Johnny said.

Though YN avoided eye contact with him most days the tone of his voice made her finally meet his gaze and it wasn’t comforting. In fact, he appeared a bit uncomfortable and unsure of how to react to the situation. She thought it was because of what happened, but then she glanced down to his hand and saw a business card in it. It showed Hyungwon’s boyfriend’s name and work info, but with a quick flip YN saw another number scribbled on back along with something about calling for a good time.

The man held no shame. Hitting on people with his longtime boyfriend present and the photographer of the event no less. Someone they’d hired to work it and would report back to them for how everything went. Truly the worst possible person because despite the possibility of lack of moral compass, the odds weren’t that great that he wouldn’t tell the person who hired him what transpired with their boyfriend.

A headache from it all was an understatement for what YN felt about it. But she knew what she had to do despite it all.

“Just…” she trailed off, taking the card from him and slipping it in her pocket. “Just don’t talk to him about it. I’ll bring it up when we wrap up for the night. It’s better I do it.”

“Are you sure?”

She wasn’t but nodded anyway.

Johnny didn’t believe her, but when she shooed him away to continue taking the photos he went without much hesitation.

From there she just worked to get through the last two hours of the event. She kept the bar going and even took a turn as a waitress when things got a little hectic since she hadn’t thought she’d need many staff on hand for something not that big.

Naturally, she hoped that it all was enough to keep her mind preoccupied, but that wasn’t the case. Any time she wasn’t focused, even for a second, her brain thought about it. And it was worse whenever she glanced up to see the both of them together as if one of them wasn’t a horrible human being. So much of her hated the idea of Hyungwon being hurt like that, even with their own past. No one deserved that. Plus, they’d made a lot of progress since he’d made that apology and YN had started to feel good around him. Like she actively wanted to be there. They’d even eaten lunch together a few times.

By the time everyone had cleared out and the staff was almost ready to go she snapped out of her own thoughts of dread to pull Hyungwon to the side. She said something about something she needed him to look over before he left for the night and he followed her to the office without hesitation. Which was good for her nerves, but not enough to quail the new set of anxiety that hit when his boyfriend said he’d wait and sat down at one of the tables. She would’ve preferred if he’d not been there to be confronted in her presence, but she didn’t have the luxury, so she pushed through.

When they entered the office she took a deep breath and turned to face Hyungwon, who appeared a bit startled and she assumed her expression aptly portrayed the discomfort and nerves she felt.

“I could prolong this because that’s totally what I want to do, because this makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I feel like you need to know. Your boyfriend has been here before. And not like just a random patron, but a person coming here on dates with people. Even attended a few events with a date in the last three months or so. And for the most part they’re always different people. And to make matters worse he’s always flirting with someone else when his date is away or even right in front of them. He’s hit on multiple staff members before, including me. Also, he slipped Johnny his card, with his personal number and a… flirtatious message on it.”

YN spoke so quickly she wasn’t sure he understood her, so the frown that appeared on his lips was what she used to indicate she could continue going. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the card, but before she could hold it up for him to see or hand it to him his hand was on her wrist.

Startled, she looked up to see the frown had left his face and he’d gone for a much more neutral expression, though his eyes held fire behind them. It almost made her flinch.

Hyungwon scoffed. “I didn’t think you’d stoop to this. He’d never even heard of this bar before I told him I was going to become a co-owner nor would he have the time to do that. Also, what could possibly be the problem with coming here with other people if he did. He can bring friends to events or out for a night of partying. My goodness YN why would you even try to spew such false info-”

Before he could finish, YN put a hand over his mouth. That confused him but didn’t stop the way he looked at her. And that only made her angrier.

She’d listened to his little rant about how she was wrong and hoped that he would change course. Hoped that the way his tone wavered every now and then was indication of him not believing his own words, but he kept going. If she hadn’t stopped him YN was sure he’d descended into words much less passive in calling her liar and into much more hurtful talk. And with the way she felt she couldn’t endure that. She refused to be hurt by him when all she wanted to do was help.

“I would never make up something like that. And I am not as stupid as to think people hanging out in a bar or doing the bare minimum of hugging is cause to deem them together. Nor would I sit here and make up being uncomfortably flirted with and Johnny getting his number and a not so ‘I want to be friends’ note from him. Something I was just going to show you. But that doesn’t matter to you apparently. Because someone who's been harmed by something as bad as cheating would totally make that up for shits and giggles or for some sort of revenge. Because I of all people who has let much worse slide would do that, right? Don’t believe me, that’s fucking fine. Live your life thinking I’d lie about that or misunderstand. But if you want to pull your head out of your ass you can look at this card, you can look at the files on the computer to see pictures from events, you can check the bar’s website and social media for the pictures too. Hell, go ask Johnny for them. He has more than he gave up and with the way he was making out with most of them I’m sure he has something to show that.”

After that YN didn’t wait for a reply, she simply turned on her heel, grabbed her bag, and stormed out of the room. She went out front so she could tell her manager to finish locking up and tell Johnny she wanted to leave, but when she got out there she saw something that made her feel even worse.

Johnny and Yoongi were standing across from each other at the bar laughing and being all touchy. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but then they leaned in close enough that they looked ready to kiss until Yoongi happened to notice YN and turned to look at her. His smile dropped and he stepped away, moving to get from behind the bar but she didn’t stay put.

YN all but sprinted out of the building with three voices calling out to her. And she didn’t stop until she was in a taxi, sobbing and asking to be taken to some bar that was far away from her own business and home so they wouldn’t stumble upon her.

From then on time moved in a way that she couldn’t comprehend. She reached the bar and immediately muted her ringer to avoid calls or texts. And once inside she greeted the bartender she was familiar with and asked for a drink. Something she did until she was so drunk that she just barely was cognizant of what was happening around her. Of course, she wanted more, but she needed to be responsible despite all the things that had crumbled right in front of her.

“I called you a taxi, it’s out front. Go home YN,” JB, the bartender, said.

Though part of her wanted to say no she simply nodded, paid, and headed out to the taxi that waited for her. She managed to walk normally until she reached the taxi where she stumbled a bit and had to be helped inside. Once she and her driver were in their seats she slurred her words and told him her address. He grunted and they were off.

The whole drive her brain kept trying to figure out how’d she’d deal with Johnny when she got home or Yoongi when she had to work. Her brain was so hazy that she couldn’t form full ideas for Johnny, but decided she’d just have someone else take her shifts with Yoongi. That answer made her so proud that she smiled and patted herself on the back.

However, the back patting stopped when the driver stopped and she got out, only to realize he’d dropped her a few blocks from her apartment. He’d driven off by then and she felt slightly more sober, so she started her trek home. There was some tripping over her own feet and stopping when her vision blurred but she did okay.

Ten minutes in though she felt her stomach drop as she heard a voice.

“YN? Got damnit, YN where have you been?” Yoongi called out.

Though she heard him clear as day she continued walking without even a glance backwards. She even put a pep in her step, though that was less about avoiding him and more about being miffed about the use of her full first name.

“YN, could you stop,” he said.

She continued ignoring him. Even when she stopped to put in the code to her building, when she stopped to wait for the elevator, and when both of them stood in the small space together. Yoongi was displeased, but he didn’t force anything simply followed behind her.

He tried to speak again once they entered the apartment, but he wasn’t the only one.

“Can you just answer m....”

“Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been calli...” Johnny started

Regardless of their concerns she continued to ignore them both, even tuning out what they had to say as she kicked off her shoes and deposited her bag on one of the hooks near the door. The plan was to walk past them and into her room where she would pass out, but as she made her first step she tripped over a box that she hadn’t seen.

Thankfully, they caught her and got her standing and steady. She muttered a quick thank you and then looked at what had been her undoing, only to see a box she’d asked Johnny to move multiple times.

That surely brought up some anger as her head whipped up so she could glare at him.

“Why can’t you just listen to what I say? Or better yet understand that there is an issue? That all signs point to a fucking problem if you do something like that? Why? I’ve almost hurt myself like ten times already and you have yet to move it!”

Johnny’s own anger subsided a little and he appeared sheepish for a second, mumbling an apology and moving the box out of the way. He turned to her after, but she didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say or talk about, so she attempted to storm off to her room as planned. Attempting was key in that, because the moment the foot that hit the box touched down on its own she cried out in pain.

“Fuck,” Johnny said as he caught her and held her up.

“Stupid fucking box!” she screamed.

“Oh, fuck. What can we do? How can we help?” a panicked Yoongi asked.

YN cursed a few more times as the throbbing settled in.

“Just take me to my room. I just want to sleep and not deal with this shit.”

Both men nodded and helped her to her room, carefully placing her down on the bed. From there she slipped off her jeans - she had leggings on underneath - and shrugged off her heavy sweater so she only had her sports bra on. After she got comfortable in the bed, using a pillow to put under her throbbing ankle and threw a bonnet over her hair, thankful to be wearing it braided.

As she got comfortable and prepared to sleep she realized that neither of them had left and when she prepared to tell them to both men crawled into the bed with her, getting on either side.

“What are you do-”

She wasn’t allowed to finish though because Johnny cut her off.

“Can we just stay? We know we stressed you out in the last few minutes and we feel like shit. It would make us feel better and if you say no, we’ll just sit on the floor or outside your door.”

Yoongi nodded. “We’d just feel better closer.”

Though she opened her mouth to argue she found that with the pain in her ankle and the alcohol wearing off she was too tired for it. So, she said nothing and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself and laying completely still until she fell asleep.

Or mostly fell asleep. With the two of them in her bed so close and radiating so much body heat she found it hard to slip completely. Not that either of them could tell that she wasn't asleep.

"It has to be more than the Hyungwon situation. I think I know what it is and that means we need to tell her soon,” Yoongi whispered.

"Wait. What? We have everything set for a week. Can it not wait?"

"Have you seen how she's been acting lately? She's pulling away from both of us and a week gives her more time to put more distance. We won't have a chance to come clean by then or even get a proper conversation in about it. She'll just think it's pity or not feel enough to care."

"Okay, tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, it's an off day and she's ahead of all her work, so even if she goes in it'll be fine."

Silence followed that and then soft snores.

Their words confused her, but she also felt her stomach drop as she imagined them saying they were together or any other thing that would make her distressed. Her mind couldn’t stop thinking of possibilities and she finally knocked out as a way to avoid the overthinking.

When she woke up it was around three in the morning and it was because she was overheated. Confusion filled YN as she couldn’t figure out the problem, only to open her eyes and see both men cuddled into her from either side. Everything came rushing back to her at once, but she was still tired enough that she prepared to ignore it and go back to sleep.

Until she noticed their hands intertwined over her body. Nausea hit fast and before she knew it, she slipped from the bed and exited the room. It was the only time she was happy that either of them were heavy sleepers.

She limped from her room and went to Johnny’s. She created a similar set up for her ankle and pushing down all negative thoughts she cuddled into one of his plushies and went to sleep. Though not nearly fast enough to stop the tears.

The day after chaos reigned, YN woke up surprisingly early but didn’t dare leave Johnny’s bed. She waited in the dark in silence until she heard Yoongi leave and then slipped into her room as Johnny was in the kitchen making coffee. She’d barely made it in without him catching her, but once she was inside and the door was locked, him knowing didn’t matter.

From then on she tried not to think about anything that occurred and just got undressed and into the shower. The focus was on getting clean and hoping that that hot water would help along her still sore ankle; resting it through the night had been enough to keep it from getting too bad and it hadn’t swollen.

After she was cleaned she made quick work of getting dressed and taking down her hair, allowing her twist out to take full form. It needed a little sprucing up and then she was done. Ready to tackle the day.

Though she didn’t know how.

Every few seconds her brain focused on the sounds of Johnny moving around the apartment. Mostly because he wasn’t in his room, but out in the living room near her door which meant that he awaited her exit. She hoped that he would leave and she would have an opening to slip out and avoid him a little longer, but she knew he was stubborn and didn’t have to work that day so he had all the time in the world.

Since grabbing her stuff and escaping wasn’t a perfect plan she was forced to sit on her bed and think out other ones. There was the obvious choice of talking to him, but with all that went on her head she didn’t want that. Plus, she wanted to be a punk for a while and not deal with whatever it was him and Yoongi planned to tell her. That left things like stay in her room all day, exit via the fire escape and come through the front to grab her bag and shoes, or just go out of her door and walk past him. Staying in her room would drive her up the wall and the fire escape on the building was not the best and she’d have to jump a foot or two to get off it, something that would agitate her ankle.

That meant that she had to walk past him, which meant she needed an excuse. She sat there thinking for a while until she remembered something important she’d put off and planned to do after the event. Something that was important to keep her business running and that she told Johnny about.

It was perfect.

So, after taking a deep breath she stood from her bed and exited her room with some faux confidence and a whole lot of fake indifference.

The moment she was in sight Johnny stopped his movement. He looked ready to move closer to her but seemed to think better of it. Something she was thankful for since she didn’t know if she could get away from him if he was close enough to stop her. He wouldn’t hurt her and would let her go if she asked but being stopped messed with the whole flow of things for her.

YN didn’t linger too long on what he was doing and just walked to the front door and slipped on her shoes. She then grabbed her bag and made sure her wallet and phone were there before her hand touched the door to open it.

And that’s when Johnny spoke up.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? I feel like we should talk about it. Among other things,” he said.

For a second that made YN freeze, but she recovered rather quickly. Maintaining her “indifference” she turned to look at his face for the first time since she walked out and shrugged.

“Maybe later. Don’t really feel like dealing with anything besides spreadsheets and those tax forms I need to get out by tonight,” she said.

Though Johnny still appeared prepared to push he seemed to resign himself when she said tax forms. As an owner of his own business he knew that was important and it took her awhile to get everything ready for her accountant. Which meant he simply collapsed onto the couch and nodded.

With that small victory YN opened the door and walked out. Part of her said she should at least say bye or when she’d be back, but she knew talking to him longer would’ve made it harder for her. She’d nearly cracked when she saw the worry and sadness etched into his face.

Time is what she needed.

No one foresaw five days of it to go by though. Not even YN.

After she’d bypassed Johnny she’d genuinely ended up too busy to have the energy for any sort of conversation. Mountains of paperwork hit and there were issues left and right. Even when she was in Johnny, Yoongi, or Hyungwon’s presence it was so work related that they didn’t even attempt to talk about anything else or ask her to speak later.

Even at home she was left alone, especially because she’d fallen asleep while responding to Johnny about what to order for dinner one night.

Friday night was when things slowed down and she took her usual shift bartending. It was a packed night because they were handling an event that they themselves were running to get more business. Which meant that most of the staff worked, as well as Hyungwon and Johnny who was hired to take pictures to go up on social media and their website.

It put YN right in the middle of all of them and it was uncomfortable, but she kept strong. Well, she committed to giving them the silent treatment unless it was about work. And it worked out pretty well for her, she managed to get through most of her shift without giving into any attempts to talk or pull her to the side.

The non-plan gave way for reasons she couldn't foresee though.

While she left to the backroom to grab more tequila she was trailed by Hyungwon, who’d tried to get her alone the moment she’d come to work that day. He was begging for a moment of her time even as they made their way back towards the bar, but she held strong. Something she regretted the moment she passed the bottles to Yoongi so he could prep drinks and then turned to see someone she didn’t want to.

Her ex, Jisoo, stood right in front of her bar with a few friend’s laughing it up. None of them noticed her for the first several seconds, which she was thankful for, but it didn’t last long enough for her to fully pull herself together. When Jisoo turned to request a drink he was met with a clearly shocked YN.

Jisoo appeared surprised as well, but he pushed that aside to smirk at her with a quickness.

“YN, I didn’t know you worked here. I just got back into the country and this was the first place my friends recommended. Small world. Oh, Hyungwon… what a surprise to see you here too,” Jisoo said.

That snapped YN out of it and she turned to see Hyungwon glaring at the male, his hand in a fist as he stared him down. For a moment she was reminded of the past as she looked at him. The pain rose up for a second and she felt sick having them in the same place, but she pushed it down. Despite their falling out they’d done well since reconnecting and she was mostly past it all, even close to asking him to hang out like a friend. Allowing a piece of shit ruin that wasn’t okay.

Never again would she allow Jisoo to ruin things for her.

With that spark of anger and confidence she turned to stare down Jisoo herself. She noticed Yoongi closer than before and Johnny standing behind the little group ready to pounce, but she waved them off. YN needed it to be her who went off.

“I own this bar and Hyungwon here is my co-owner, so naturally we would be here,” she said.

For a second Jisoo was knocked off his game, but it wasn’t long before he bounced back. He was like Hyungwon that way and YN hated it.

“Oh? I thought you two were no longer on speaking terms?” he said.

“Well, clearly what you thought was wrong,” Hyungwon chimed in.

Hyungwon’s words elicited a laugh from Jisoo for some reason and it made YN uneasy, but she held her ground. No matter what he threw she knew she could take it. There was no way she’d allow him to see her hurt or crying.

Jisoo shrugged. “I guess so. You’re still with Ji-ah though, right YN? Last I heard you and her hit it off.”

That was the thing to force a humorless laugh from her lips. Only Jisoo would mention her other ex whom he knew she’d broken up with a while ago when she’d moved to take a job at a company out of the country. A company that Jisoo worked at, at that.

Of course, he had to be a trash human in more aspects than one.

“No, but you know that. Since you hit on her, took her on a few dates, slept with her and then told her how you knew me. That's why you asked her out in the first place. You remember that, right? Oh, and you have to remember how she told your job that and so they demoted you, plus moved you to a different branch,” YN said.

And at last the smirk left his face. While pleased by that, YN didn’t ignore the way he tensed and the anger that covered every inch of his expression.

“I feel like you’re the one who should remember. Like remember how you cried when you saw us together. The hurt on your face as I kissed hi-”

Before he could speak anymore Hyungwon almost punched him in the face. If it wasn’t for YN hip checking him and thus making him stumble he would’ve made impact on Jisoo’s right cheek.

Once Hyungwon was settled and being held back by a staff member YN’s attention focused solely on Jisoo.

“I don’t want you or your friend’s here. Ever. So, I’m going to ask you to leave. There will be no argument. No putting up a fight. No asking to be given another chance. You will leave and never return, am I understood?” she said calmly.

Naturally, Jisoo opened his mouth to reply but YN cut him off by whistling. Within seconds two security guards were at the bar and Jisoo’s friends dragged him towards the exit. It was clear that he wanted to say or do something, but he left without much issue and after that YN could breathe.

However, breathing meant that it all came crashing down on her and the next thing she knew she ran to the office with tears streaming down her face.

The intention was to get in there alone and ride out whatever wave of emotion hit until she could pull it together and go back to work like nothing happened. Of course, that meant that the first part didn’t happen.

Hyungwon had followed behind her and slipped in before she could fully close the door. Though it bothered a part of her she didn’t have it in her to say anything or react. She did have the energy to cry harder though, her attempt at silent tears only lasting seconds before sobs wracked her body.

In her head all she could think about is what happened all those years ago. Except the pain she felt was amplified. YN knew it wasn’t because of that or at least the feeling wasn’t solely because of that. No, because after reliving that in her head her brain brought up every other failed relationship and honestly all the failures in her life. It didn’t stop playing the flashbacks until it reached the more recent things to fuck up her life plans and the uncertain romantic feelings she had to endure.

It was all too much, especially when it came at her all at once.

She ended up so in her own head that she didn’t feel Hyungwon pull her into his arms and hold her close. Didn’t hear the apologies and words of reassurance. Didn’t hear the curses about her ex. Didn’t even feel when he moved them from standing to sitting in a chair, her on his lap with her face in his neck.

And time passed so swiftly that she couldn’t tell how long they’d been like that once she’d come back to. But it didn’t matter because it heightened her embarrassment of what had occurred and she attempted to escape him, only to be held in place by bony fingers.

Once she stopped fighting Hyungwon removed one of his hands and used it to lift her chin, forcing her to look at him.

“Your crying is valid and don’t you dare think otherwise. None of that embarrassed or frustrated bullshit because you deserve to be able to release all that,” Hyungwon said.

Even after years apart he still knew her reactions to being overwhelmed through and through, and in that moment she was eternally grateful.

With a nod from her he didn’t stop there.

“That was unexpected and I’m sorry he was here. I forgot how horrible he could be and then he’s just gotten worse over time. You’d think someone would stop playing those games and trying to mess with people’s mental and emotional stability, but alas here he is. I think his company was planning to do an event here, I’ll tell them we’re canceling it and that he’s the reason. Might even throw in some security footage for good measure.”

YN opened her mouth to object, but Hyungwon gave her a look that shut her up.

“Besides that, and I know this is a horrible time, I want to apologize. The way I acted a week ago was uncalled for. When you said it, I believed you I really did. It was just something that wanted to deny that he would. Not necessarily for my own feelings, though they did come into play. But also, because he’s the one who came to me. I had no interest in him whatsoever, but he was persistent in a way that wasn’t creepy and I thought who would work that hard to just throw it away. Especially when they’d been the one to bring up the subject of marriage recently.

“So, I went on the defense and instead of just checking what you had to say or denying it and moving on I went to the worst possible conclusion. Said things I didn’t believe even as they left my mouth. And thus, for the second time since meeting you hurt you in a way that wasn’t okay in the slightest. And I understand that you may not want to work towards friendship. I like to think we were close to getting back or wanting to deal with me. I just want to apologize because you deserve one and I know I was in the wrong.”

What neither of them expected, least of all YN, was her to start crying again. Her head dropped onto his shoulder and she felt her body shake again as she let it out. Though she could tell he was confused by the way his body tensed, he didn’t say anything and simply rubbed her back gently as she cried it out.

About five minutes later YN spoke.

“You’re a fucking idiot and an asshole.”

Hyungwon laughed. “True. But you know what happened when you tried to get me to be nicer for that month. If we’re being honest you made me worse.”

YN laughed that time, remembering how Hyungwon spent every day being closely watched by her as he tried to not be snarky with people. By the end he’d given up and snapped on some annoying man that wouldn’t leave them be and she was sure she saw tears in his eyes as he ran away from the fuming Hyungwon.

He mellowed out after that, but when someone truly tried him he was a lot more than he used to be. YN marked that as a major fail and stuck to keeping him calm when he rightfully deserved to put someone in their place, which was oddly often at their school.

“Yeah, a mistake on my part. But at least I got you to start counting to ten before you unleashed yourself.”

“Ah yes, what a great help that is. Ten seconds longer of dealing with the idiots.”

They both laughed that time and when they pulled it together they talked. About everything in detail. Nothing was left off the table and by the end YN felt less weight on her shoulders.

By the time they were done about an hour and a half had gone by, meaning they’d been back in the room for over two hours and the bar was shutting down.

“I guess I should go help since I flaked on my shit at the end,” YN said as she got up from Hyungwon’s lap.

At first he nodded and got up too seemingly ready to follow her and the next he was giving her a look and grasping at her wrist.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“You need to talk to them.”

A groan escaped her immediately and her head tilted back as she blew out a puff of air.

“Nope. None of that. Talk to them. Tonight. And don’t be a stubborn brat and not let them finish what they have to say. I’m sure it would clear up a lot of things for her,” Hyungwon said.

There was no use in arguing because he would win and she knew he was right, even if she didn’t want to admit that to herself.

“Fine.”

And that was all it took for him to release her and take the lead on exiting the office. However, YN didn’t get the chance to leave right behind him. The moment Hyungwon was out, both Johnny and Yoongi stumbled in forcing her to take several steps back.

They both appeared nervous and disheveled, which helped calm YN for some reason. Though it didn’t get rid of all the feelings like she would’ve preferred.

“We need to talk. Now. We can’t keep putting it off,” Johnny blurted out.

If YN didn’t know how frazzled he got under pressure she’d be shocked by his actions, much like Yoongi who stared the man down eyes wide, but she’d known Johnny long enough to expect that kind of thing. What she was shocked about is how he didn’t dive into explaining right then and there.

Once she was sure he was done talking and that Yoongi had nothing to say she took over.

“We do need to talk. But it would be better not here. So, after we close up and at the apartment, yeah?”

That appeared to shock Yoongi more and Johnny too. They both probably assumed she’d be resistant or straight up tell them no. Things she debated on for half a second but couldn’t go through with.

“Okay,” they both said.

With that YN patted both of them on the shoulder and headed out to help.

About an hour after that everyone was done and headed out of the door. They said their goodbyes with the staff - and Hyungwon who hugged her while threatening what would happen if she didn’t give either man a chance to talk - then they got in a taxi to go back to the apartment.

Silence prevailed, which made YN awkward since she was sandwiched between them in the back seat, but she didn’t let it take over her. At least not too much. She held strong despite it and managed to make it out of the car and into the apartment without thinking of making a run for it.

The same couldn’t be said for either of the men though. YN hadn’t faced them until she was rid of her jacket and shoes and sat on the love seat, but the moment she did they froze. For a second they stared at each other both expressions unsure, but then they seemed to come to a consensus and finally fully entered the apartment, taking a seat on the couch.

Again, they were immersed in silence, but that only made things more tense.

“Go ahead,” she said.

Thankfully, they didn’t take long to react to that.

“We,” Yoongi started, pausing to look at Johnny before continuing. “We know we’ve done a horrible job at making things clear to you. We’ve been a little secretive and haven’t made the most effort in ensuring you were okay when we saw that something was off. It was a major fuck up on our part, one that could’ve prevented if I hadn’t been so stuck on keeping a certain timeline on how we should talk to you about this. And I’m starting to ramble when it was agreed upon that I would tell you so we could get straight to the point. And oh my fucking goodness, will I stop it already. Okay, basically we both want to date you.”

YN felt her entire body tense as confusion filled her.

“Excuse me?” she said.

That went unheard though.

“That’s not how we agreed you’d say it,” Johnny whined.

Yoongi scoffed. “It is. Well, not exactly but all the words I used were in the agreed upon statement.”

“Maybe, but you could have at least tried to eas-”

“Excuse me!” YN shouted.

That stopped Johnny and got both their attention.

“You don’t get to drop a bomb like that and then not elaborate. Especially to a very confused person whose last week has been trash. Explain yourselves.”

There was another silent moment of them staring at each other and then Yoongi gestured for Johnny to go ahead. Johnny rolled his eyes but turned his full attention to YN before speaking.

“What Yoongi said was true, we do both want to date you. But before you start to spiral and come up with your own conclusions let me fill in a few things. We’ve both known Yoongi for over a year now, you more than me. And he and I have always clicked despite how worried you were that he would slap me upside the head for being too friendly and getting in his space. It’s an easy kinda friendship we’ve had going, but then that day at the bar a few months ago we really clicked. I know we’ve been obvious about the attraction and it’s only built over time.

“The thing is we soon realized that both of us also feel something for you. Those feelings are from before we ever looked at each other that way and despite the growing feelings between us it was still there. Yoongi just about lost his shit when he realized and was very confused. And well, you know that most of my relationships have been poly, so it was nothing new for me. Though still kinda surprising because I thought I’d continue to live my life not acting on feelings for you I’ve felt for years.”

“I’m sorry what?” YN practically screamed.

The interruption earned her a glare which quieted her despite wanting an answer.

“As I was saying. I was planning to not act on them, but then suddenly someone else who I liked felt the same way for you as I did and it felt like a chance. That plus Hyungwon telling me I was an idiot for not realizing the crush you had on me before you got with dickwad back in college after he overheard me talking to Yoongi. But either way everything aligned and after I got Yoongi to accept that this was a viable option we started doing those group hangouts. To us they were test dates, but then we… well we…”

“We realized that we weren’t including you as much as we thought and could tell how third wheeling it felt,” Yoongi said.

Johnny nodded. “Yes, that. We failed to factor in as people who know each other, but don’t know each other and who are using those outings as dates we’d get caught up in each other. Which we realized but didn’t realize how bad until yet again Hyungwon overheard us. Told us we were idiots, because it was clear that you felt something for both of us and yet we were both going around acting like a couple in early days while dragging their friend who didn’t know we liked them around. And then we decided to fix things, but then the falling out with Hyungwon happened and nothing worked so we were unsure of what to do next besides maybe cornering you. So, yeah.”

With the way Johnny so abruptly ended that YN was left unsure of how to proceed. What had been said was a lot to take in. Not because it was wild or out of her comfort zone, but because despite feelings she’d had no time to process her own. She knew how she felt about them both, but she’d never allowed herself to linger on it too long to address how to handle things. And when she found herself finally admitting it things went to shit and she thought the only people she’d been interested in in years were on their way to dating each other without her ever having a real chance of seeing if either of them felt the same way.

Since YN hadn’t gotten that out of the way she definitely had no time to factor in any poly relationship. Like Johnny said she did know he was into it, but Yoongi wasn’t someone she knew well enough to know if he was down for that. He didn’t judge it, but not caring about how people lived their lives and actively participating were two different things.

Just the thought of having that conversation with him made her nervous despite it being more of what he would have done in the past and not in her present since she’d heard that he’d agreed with it. At least that’s what she thought they said. Her brain was frazzled.

“Hold on,” she finally said after minutes of silence. “So, I’m clear. You both want to date me and each other? You just failed to realize that you should’ve gotten to know each other better and go on dates alone, before trying to test out a poly relationship with me without my knowledge?”

“Yes,” Yoongi said while Johnny nodded.

Without warning pillows from the loveseat were in YN’s hands, she was standing, and said pillows were making contact with each male’s body.

“You. Two. Are. Fuckin. Idiots. How. Could. You. Not. Think. That. Through? What. Happened. To. Being. So. Got. Damn. Smart. Huh?”

Each word was spoken in time with the pillows swinging down on them. And though they squirmed they didn’t try to dodge or take them away from her. They let her keep going until she was satisfied.

Upon her clearly giving up her attack they both reach out and pull her down onto the couch so her body stretched out across them.

“Yes, we’re idiots. And we’re sorry about not thinking things through and telling you. But we’re idiots who are smitten with you and would like a chance to date you,” Johnny said, his hand moved to find the spot at the back of her head that she enjoyed being scratched. She didn’t even care that he was messing up her hair a little, just relaxed into the feeling.

“Ditto,” Yoongi said.

That drew glares from Johnny and YN, which he responded to by throwing his hands in the air in surrender.

“We are really sorry. And if you could let us date you, it would make me very happy,” he said.

His second response sated both of them and they relaxed back into their little moment. And as time ticked by they all grew more comfortable. There was more to talk about, but they cleared the space and it was clear they were all relieved. YN most of all.

Though she tried not to show it, YN felt giddy and wanted to giggle as she watched them both interact with each other and her. So much so that it slipped out when they both leaned over to press kisses to her cheeks. It seemed to amuse them, but she was so embarrassed she slipped away to change and scolded herself for the behavior. Not that she didn’t do it again when her mind replayed what happened.

They spent the rest of the night watching TV and eating food they’d ordered. It was peaceful and comfortable, so much so that they almost fell asleep on the couch.

Two in the morning rolled around before they all dragged feet to climb in Johnny’s bed and knock out. YN wanted to sleep on the outside of the bed, but ended up sandwiched between the both of them, not that she complained about it.

Once they were all comfortable they said their good nights and tried to sleep, but one adjustment by Johnny against her ass had YN slapping his arm.

“You cannot possibly be hard right now,” she whined.

Johnny pressed closer after that, grinding his dick against her ass more.

“You can’t possibly be calling me out on it right now as if it hasn’t happened before,” he mumbled.

“And both of you can’t possibly be having this conversation while I try to sleep. Go to bed before the next thing you’re both complaining about is how bruised and sore your asses are,” Yoongi chimed in.

Though it was meant as a means to shut them up all it did was elicit whimpers from both of them at the thought. That’s when Yoongi sat up and stared down at them and even in the dark they could see the smirk.

“Oh, you like that do you?”

They both nodded eagerly.

“Then strip.”

Neither of them had ever moved so fast in their lives and it was beyond worth it. Complaining was kept to a minimum the next day, but only because Yoongi took very good care of his babies and made sure to kiss their booboos all better.

[pr0dbeomgyu]

You said I could come here anytime and I honestly hate to be the person who's sulking in your asks at ¼ to 4 in the morning but I have nowhere else to go.

For the month or so I've been feeling so exhausted and have just felt empty. At the start of December my whole family lost someone who was extremely close to us and it's taken such a toll on me yet I can't help but feel selfish for feeling bad when I know my other family members are struggling aswell.

I haven't been able to sleep very well since it happened either, I'm either unable to fall asleep or I have these very vivid nightmares (I'm trying to be as vague as possible because I don't want to possibly trigger anyone with my lil rant)

I don't feel comfortable confronting my friends about the situation because

1) they're either are struggling with their own problems

2) get uncomfortable easily

3) simply don't care

But not being able to talk about everything is putting such a negative impact on my health, I haven't ate properly, especially this week, I haven't felt motivation to get out of bed and I'm so close to cancelling on one of my best friends bc I feel like me being at his birthday party will put a downer on the mood.

I just want to disappear you know? It's such a selfish thought and I hate myself for thinking about it.

hey im sorry for answering this so late, i hope you're feeling better now? sure, you can come by here anytime you want! im not really good in giving comfort words but just know i'll be here okay :(

please know your feelings are always valid okay :( and im sure your friends are willing to listen to you, at least one of them, pls at share with someone okay? Ik how burdening it could be, to keep it all by yourself :(

I rlly hope u're feeling much better <3

[sea-side-scribbles]

Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/76637180

Chapter 59

Morrie had left the door of his room slightly open, so he could hear what was happening in the corridor. He had been waiting with curiosity, would’ve stayed the whole night there, waiting for something to happen. 

Or nothing. 

He would’ve been fine if Norbert had stayed in his hideout all night. 

He would’ve liked to witness that. 

But when he heard his lover leave the dressing room, with a slight squeak of the door, and his footsteps coming quietly downstairs, he wasn’t disappointed. He was somehow beyond that point of being disappointed. He only wanted to see the truth. So, in fact, he rather thanked Norbert for his audacity. Without it, he would’ve never learned the truth. 

Morrie was certain that Nick would lead him there. He needed to go after him, after all. He had suspected that Norbert felt a lot of sympathy for that random reporter. 

Well, Norbert liked people, that fas a fact. 

He was almost naive, trusting strangers and being comfortable around them. That was why every fan immediately believed they were close friends. Someone who didn’t know him couldn’t see the little difference between sympathy and well, further interest. 

The image of how he had lifted Arthur up from the ground appeared in front of his eyes. Morrie quickly blinked. 

Oh, Norbert just liked his tall guys.

Morrie’s plan didn’t go as far as knowing what he should do when he saw them together. 

Jump out of a bush? Boo? 

That would’ve been funny. 

But Morrie never was the funny type. 

After everything that had happened, he didn’t know if he even wanted to scold Norbert. Morrie had known better, all the time, but simply all those empty years without his reckless lover had given him enough reason to stay. 

He had lied too. 

He wasn’t done trying. 

He wasn’t done hearing excuses and he wasn’t done watching Norbert pleading for his love. 

That reporter had no idea who Norbert was, what he needed and what he did!

However, there was still another possibility. What if that reporter had completely different intentions? Norbert also had the bad habit of trusting the wrong people, and every wrong word in the press could bring him to fall. He needed protection. And all he needed to do was to understand that only Morrie could be his protector.

His heart was throbbing. This was pulling his nerves. The farther Norbert went, the more he was afraid. But he had to wait, gather all his patience, until he could finally leave his room and follow, passing by the drunkards in the hallway. At the top of the stairs he waited. Norbert was careful but decisive. He didn’t hesitate once when he walked out of the backdoor. Morrie already felt cold before the night breeze touched his skin. 

Panic took over him because he couldn’t find Norbert in the dark. He turned a corner in the narrow backyard, listening carefully over the sound of his own footsteps. 

There was so much noise. The whistling, stomping Bobbies of the night shift, the humming drones, squealing of rats in the grass - how was he supposed to hear the footsteps of a light-footed rockstar? 

He went the only way that made sense to him, towards the street, not the cliffs, god forsake, and soon his eyes fell on a slim figure walking in a hurried, but careful pace. 

He must’ve done this before, the way he was completely calm around the functioning alarm system, fooling it constantly. Morrie stumbled along, starting to wonder if it really was a good idea to take a night stroll only for good old verity’s sake. Walking over the cobblestone, his footsteps were incredibly loud to him, no matter how faintly he treaded. The way they echoed along the streets was unbearable. 

But wait - were they his own? 

Morrie promptly stopped, pressing himself against a wall, staring at Norbert’s figure that went off in a steady pace. Drops of sweat ran down his forehead. He was definitely not made for this. Shortly glancing back, he found only dark emptiness behind him. 

God, his nerves! His intuition went crazy out here! 

He broke away from the wall and hurried behind Norbert.

Nick had to keep himself from thinking too much. If he realized what he was doing, he was afraid he’d panic and hide under his blanket again. He had no idea what he’d say to Arthur, if he could stick to his quickly worked out plan, or if he’d simply break. 

The image of saying goodbye to someone only brought back bad memories. 

It was never done right. 

It shouldn’t be done at all. 

So all he could do was being afraid, actually keeping his chest from bursting with fear and climb down the ladder. 

For the first time he felt like he could trip and fall at any moment. The walls seemed to watch him, as if he was an intruder, the chaos invading this silent den of toxic fog and rats. 

Arthur was right. 

This was a romantic place only for a stoned druggie. Not a home for a man like him.

Back on solid ground, nothing stopped Nick from running anymore. 

When he reached Arthur’s shelter, he found the door open. The lump in his throat kept him from speaking while he turned every corner in the shelter. 

It was empty. Just the dirty, abandoned place that it had been before Arthur had filled it with life. 

“No…“ His whisper echoed through the chamber. He hurried to his tunnel suite. Inside, the bed was still unmade. Nick walked over to it, his gaze wandering along every little fold that held the last memory of their forbidden love. 

The last beautiful moment before everything had fallen apart. 

Nick sat down on the bed, ran his fingers along the sheets and started to sob.

Bad timing! 

Bad fucking awful timing! 

Why did that always happen to him? 

Because he had to go down memory lane, dwell in his own fucking self-pity before he got his arse up! No time to live in memories during his escape, right? So better do it now. 

And then thinking he’d be hungry at his journey. He couldn’t just walk into a shop as a Downer in the Parade. Of course he had to go the easiest way. And there was a still good-filled storage nearby, owned by someone who wouldn’t notice if a few things were missing. Or all of them. Someone who bloody deserved an empty kitchen! But of course it couldn’t be that easy, Arthur thought cowering behind a counter. 

This didn’t look like it would end soon.

Did Sally cry for him after she betrayed him? If so, was it self-pity too?

Was there a selfless way to cry?

Well, Nick didn’t betray him. He just…broke up with him for no reason. And now he was crying about it. Should’ve made up his mind.

Instead, he made Arthur want to walk over and put his arms around him. Maybe pet that pretty caramel hair. 

Oh, for fuck’s sake, why couldn’t he be tougher? He had been tough with Sally, right? Well, throwing a stranded girl out onto the streets had been not very tough. 

Oh, heavens!

His legs started to itch. He needed to get out of there. Arthur crawled along the counter and then eyed his options. Nick was focused on the bedsheets, perhaps he wouldn’t look around. Arthur darted out of his corner and found a new spot behind a shelf. He gasped triumphantly while his heart nearly jumped out of his throat. 

This wasn’t so bad! Nick wouldn’t see him, if he squeezed around the furniture and disappeared into the tunnel. Quickly, he began to crawl, setting his eyes on the devastated rockstar. 

What an image! This was almost like he saw him for the first time. Broken, desperate and helpless. This image had been very impressive because during all the crying and rueing, he had also shown deep interest in a certain Downer…

Arthur couldn’t help but dwell. 

That sweet taste, their intimacy that Arthur hadn’t felt since… 

It had been a dream. 

A world where nobody could harm him, where his own desires mattered. 

Well, every dream eventually ended. 

It was time to wake up.

Forcefully, Arthur brought himself to move on. With his gaze still set on Nick, he didn’t notice that he had moved the clobber on the shelf along with him. When he saw something golden floating in the corner of his eye it was already too late. The statue of Nick touched the stoney tiles and shattered into little shiny pieces.

“Sorry“, Arthur said to a flabbergasted Nick, “Was that important to you?“

“Arthur…you’re still here.“ Nick’s voice was a rasp. Arthur nervously clutched the bag he had packed with Nick’s stash.

“Uh…I…I need supplies for my escape and…I figured you wouldn’t need these anymore…since you have the Avalon suite and your own kitchen and your manager who gets you things and… I don’t have to explain myself to you! Why are you here? Stroking the bed, as if it was some precious treasure of yours? You’re the one who broke up with me!“

Nick watched Arthur rant, spilling all these words out of his mouth. He barely heard them. They sounded hostile and made Nick clutch the sheets, adding more folds to the picture.

“I made a horrible mistake“, he brought out.

Arthur talked over the pang he felt in his chest: “No, you’re right! If you want to stay here, there’s nothing I can do for you! It’s better we…stop lying to ourselves and do what’s best for us!“

God, did he have to sound so much like an arse, Arthur thought while the darkness of the tunnel lurked in the corner of his eye. It was so close, one tiny step and he’d be out of here. But his feet didn’t obey him.

“Why do you want to go so badly?“, Nick asked, no, pleaded.

God, why did he have to make this so awkward?

“Why? I told you, I can’t live this life! There’s more important things in the world than Wellington Wells! Things like…like…“ 

Family?

Arthur stopped himself just at the last moment.

“What does it matter to you? It’s is none of your business anymore!“

Nick let go of the bed. His hands now clung to each other.

“I wish it was.“

Arthur let out a silent breath. “What?“

Nick got up.

Run, Arthur, run! 

But his damn feet…

Nick’s feet worked just fine. He stopped in a safe distance to Arthur, not close enough to make him run away. “Arthur, I know I sounded like I don’t care about you anymore. But that’s not true. I care very much about you. You mean…a lot to me.“

Arthur’s expression darkened. “So what? What do you want?“

Nick had gone a long way to come this far. He had accomplished so much. He was only one step away from fulfilling his dream. 

From this day on, he could be true, let all his past mistakes go, find the better person in himself and become the man Morrie had always wanted. All it took was sacrificing the poor bugger that fate had made cross his path. 

Easy as that.

But didn’t better people aways say you should listen to your heart?

“I know I don’t have the right…you asked for it before and I refused…but I have to ask you now…Could we…start over?“

“What?“

Suddenly the bag in Arthur’s hands felt very heavy. He had no idea how long he’d been holding it. And he really planned to go all the way to the bridge with this?

“No…we can’t…I prepared everything and I really need to go…“

Nick lowered his head and his shoulder fell. “I didn’t want it to end like this…“, he said quietly.

“Me neither, but you…“

The bad slipped from Arthur’s shoulder and the many cans inside caused a loud clank.

“What is this, Nick?“, Arthur cried out. “First you break up and now you want me back right after? Just like that? Is that how it works with you?“

Nick made an awkward gesture as if he wanted to shrug and then decided otherwise.

“You see…I’m a bad person…but believe me, I love you!“

Arthur gave the bag a helpless glance. He could still lift it up and go. But it didn’t look like it was in a hurry. 

“What are we supposed to do now?“

“Well“, Nick dared to make a few steps forward. “If you’re too mad at me for now, you could tell me to leave you alone. I could come back later, when you know if you still want me around or not…Or we could try it right now…We could act like we met for the first time.“ 

He leaned against the greasy wall with one arm, in an overly nonchalant way and gave him a look with a spark in his eyes that suddenly came out of nowhere. 

“Hello, beautiful stranger“, he purred. „Nice to meet you down here. Would you like a drink?“

It was so over the top. Arthur wished he could pull off a perplexed chuckle, or a sigh, anything else than turning as red as a beet. How weird was he to find that cute?

“That doesn’t work“, he said trying not to smile. “I know you.“

“Sure you know me. Everyone knows me. You can call me Nick, just like everyone else“, he replied as if Arthur wouldn’t know that by now. “So, can I cheer you up with a drink? Believe me, talking is much easier when you’re sitting down and smelling a fruity bouquet.“

It had been a question, but still Nick was setting himself into motion right after. Arthur followed him without hesitation. “Fine. But no drugs this time“, he demanded.

Nick made an upset expression. “God, no! What gave you that idea? I’m just talking about a harmless, tasty refresher. You’ll see, you’ll like it.“ Nick put two glasses on the counter before his eyes wandered along Arthur’s features. “By the way, what’s your name?“

Arthur blinked. “Guess.“

Nick opened his mouth in surprise, then let out a playful chuckle. “With pleasure…hmm…I think you have a name with a strong meaning…a name that people consider as common but describes you better than any other…“

“You’d find all of that out at the first meeting?“, Arthur teased, accepting his drink.

“Sshh“, Nick hissed quietly and waved him off. “I think you are a…“ He eyed him nonchalantly. “A Percival, yes?“

Arthur nearly choked. 

“A…P…Percival…huh…“, he stuttered wiping his mouth. “Why?“

“Because it’s strong, because it has the right sound, because I think it has a connection to you…no?“

“Uh…well…it’s close…“, Arthur stuttered, trying to sound amused. “I’m impressed.“

“Only close?“ Nick said with fake disappointment. “Aww, I thought I had it.“

Arthur tasted more of the drink. It was a more subtle savour, not overly sweet but not bitter either, with an indeed fruity smell surrounding it.

“Nick…perhaps we should act normal…“

“Oh, sure.“ Nick smiled warmly. “Just be natural. Do whatever you want around me. Be free.“

“No, I mean…I don’t think this works.“ He drank more. 

Nick sighed and leaned an elbow onto the counter. “At least the drinks are drinkable, hm?“

Arthur put the glass down, still feeling the taste on his tongue. “Nick…I don’t know what you put into this again, but it makes me want to grab you.“

Nick’s face lit up. “Whoa, tiger, you really let it all out on your first date! I like that!“

“Is this even a date?“

Nick chuckled irresistibly. “I think so…“

“Honestly, what did you put in there?“

Nick lifted an eyebrow. “Are you sure you had alcohol before?“

Arthur reached out a hand. “Let me touch you to see if you’re real.“

“Oh my…“ Nick acted flattered. “I don’t even know your name yet…“

Arthur palpated the other man and immediately felt his warmth under his fingers. The cloth was so soft…to touchable.

“I’m afraid we have to save that for later…“

Nick was beaming with joy. “You go by ’beautiful stranger’ for now.“

Arthur leaned over to Nick. “Fine with me…“

The shadow moved, soundless but definite, stalking his prey. There couldn’t have been a better night. Starless. 

There was nothing that could stop him, because someone’s time was definitely over. 

He had been curious about how it’d turn out for this particular one. He had been watching him for a while, how he kept spilling venom into Nick’s heart and put him in chains. It had been a very interesting time. But now he had to end the farce.

Morrie’s fear grew again when Norbert suddenly left the road. Turning around, he was seen only for a short glimpse, then he was gone, and only Morrie’s sense told him that he hadn’t vanished into thin air. 

He was thankful when his feet touched grass again. It was so soft and quiet. In a corner behind a fountain he found Norbert again. Morrie ducked behind it. 

Great, he’ll meet him here, of all places. Wasn’t there a better location for…? 

His train of thoughts was cut off when he saw Norbert put his hands on a wheel and turn it. What was that about? A hatch? Really? Morrie shivered in the cold. He didn’t want to go down there. What the hell was Norbert doing? Morrie suddenly had a very bad feeling in his guts. What if this wasn’t about a love affair? What if Norbert was in real danger this time? A second later, Morrie found the heart to come out of his hiding spot and rush over to Norbert, hands reaching out for him.

“Nick, what are you doing?“ Arthur chuckled helplessly. Nick had grabbed his hand, his other hand lay on Arthur’s hip, and he dragged him away from the bar.

“Have you never danced before?“, Nick teased him.

“Not in this state“, Arthur protested, while he clumsily tried to follow the other man’s pace. He let out a surprised gasp when Nick suddenly swirled him around.

“Careful!“

Nick moved fluidly. “Step on my feet all you want, beautiful stranger.“

Arthur grabbed him, eyes fixed on the ground, watching his lovers’ feet move and slowly adjusting to the rhythm. He began to feel comfortable. Nick’s tender eyes assured him he could do no wrong. Each time they set foot on the stoney floor their bodies came closer. Arthur was about to embrace Nick, what made his nerves tickle with joy. He figured that they danced like his schoolmates must’ve done it at parties. Not really dancing, rather hugging while moving along. 

Did he ever dance like that? 

If he wasn’t fooling himself, he remembered having at least a tiny bit of talent. Perhaps he could pull it off…

He put both hands on Nick’s hips and lifted him up in the air. Soon, he heard Nick rejoice. Two hands quickly clutched his shoulders for security. Then Arthur panicked about his spontaneous courage and wondered about the next step. If he recalled it right, he was supposed to put his partner back down in a romantic way. A second later, Nick landed not only on his feet, but also in Arthur’s arms, that were his only protection between him and the floor.

Nick melted away. He felt save. And loved. Also, it was a lot of fun.

“Can you do that again?“

Morrie didn’t come very far. The moment he decided to run was also the moment that something else caught his attention.

All he could see at first were eyes. In the glimpse of the moment, their red shine emerged from the dark. They were set on him, distorted with anger, with black pupils that stared right trough him and made his insides turn to ice. The face they belonged to, even though covered in an unnatural shimmer, seemed familiar, but Morrie couldn’t tell why. The way the stranger approached him made Morrie feel that this was very personal. But he was sure that only the devil himself could look this way.

When he realized his fate he felt grief. Grief for himself, for his love and for the world that had been beautiful once. His mouth was wide open when he took a breath, gasping a silent cry.

“Nick“, Arthur sighed and reached out for the other man, needing multiple tries to find him.

“Yeah?“, Nick purred with a voice like silk.

“Do you always put a spell on people you like?“

“Uh…I guess so…“ Nick, stuttered, not quite getting it. His fingers stroked Arthur’s skin.

“I could be far away by now. In a strange country, without even knowing you.“

Nick’s hand stopped, lingering on the spot.

“It’s true…I’m sorry…“

Arthur turned around, crawling towards the other man, until his lips nearly touched the other man’s cheek.

“Thank you“, he whispered into Nick’s ear.

[theyarebothgunshot]

Hey! (I'm sorry that my rant is so long and annoying).

I love your cockles Q&A! It honestly gives me life. I'm deep in the dumpster and so I rewatched the jibcons and 2014 is starting to shake my faith again despite me being so sure of GUNSHOTS. In Jensens panel, the one where he was pissed about the destiel question and unnecessarily went on about how that's not how they're playing it [ehm then explain your jacting joices then?]

Anyway do you think he was mad that their chemistry is so obvious? Or generally why was he so ant*destiel? [up till jibcon 10 with where's destiel real?] and why be ant*destiel but then do some messed up cockles shit??? Like atleast Misha didn't confirm nor deny destiel [before 15x18].

And now the final downer, the pranking. One of the reasons why I'm not 100% converted is because of the whole pranking Misha thing. I always think if they were together how would Jensen prank Misha like that? I mean yeah Jensens style is making faces at Misha but like at their panel Misha said it was so bad Jensen apologized.. And my ugly brain goes "if they were together wouldn't Jensen behave as a partner and not as a relentless pranker? And would stop Jared from annoying Misha? especially when Misha is obviously not happy?"

I'm so sorry if I brought the "cockles spirit" down..I just really don't get these 2 things.

Thanks for reading and have a nice week!

I'm curious to hear your thoughts behind Jensen's negative responses towards bi!dean. You know I've always felt he projects himself onto Dean too much. And he feels that Dean being openly bisexual might out him too. Its strange considering Jared and Misha's fairly chill responses to LGBT hcs. What do you feel?

okay so i combined these two asks because i think they are similar. i don’t think i could answer these questions any better than rosa @gunshotsthemed already did. that post was a real eye opener for me. in short: jensen is always aware of his environment, and the way he reacts to questions about destiel/bi dean, depends on who is near him at that moment. to add to this, i also think that’s the reason jensen pranks misha with jared: he is always performing in front of jared, and the pranks fit right into that. until jared goes too far.

and yes, i do also think that there was a part of him that was super self conscious about the fact that their irl chemistry blead through the screen. 

[everyone-has-their-story]

Season 3 episode 10 commentary with my sister:

Okay NOW can I stalk their instagrams???

Let’s have a moment of silence to mourn that this is the last episode

This recap is depressing the shit out of me, like thanks for the reminder but no thanks

Please tell me he is not playing video games

SENNE!

Wait, go back for a second!....the poster above the tv says “worry less, laugh more” and if that isn’t a fucking tagline for Robbe then idk what is

Exams? No, Senne, not exams

Senne just munching on some snacks while Robbe is having a crisis

It’s not your fault Robbe!

Senne give him some brotherly advice

Stop mentioning her name!

LOLLL Senne you fool

Listen to the man!

Senne dropping the knowledge on Robbe..i love it

Oh shit it’s Christmas! Definitely forgot about that

Stop fighting!!

Zoe wtf you doing?

That fucking ringtone again..

His phone is bigger than his head

YAY!! **raises arms to the sky to celebrate** (news about his mom)

Him smiling means I’m smiling

Wow way to be a Debby Downer Milan…

Okay, but Robbe...where is your man?

Oh the hospital! Is he visiting his mom or Sander??

FUCK. MY. LIFE! Not her

GONE? Gone where??

Idc if I’m a bitch, but I still don’t like her

Explain yourself to him! What did you mean??

Was that a drawing of Robbe???

LOL to Britt if that was Robbe

I mean I guess we can let you know..

It was him!! Damn he is good

Fucking hell the shaky breaths are back

So did Sander just like leave all his shit there?

Yes call him

Damn right there is! (”there is an us”)

Damn right you do! (”i love you”)

I want him to call ALL of us immediately...except Britt

Cool so still no Sander?

Waddup Jens!

Listen to Jens, don’t go down that road

Sander!

There is that chernobyl again

Good to know you’re safe, but he just wants to be with you

Yes, Robbe..Chernobyl- Wait, the school!!!!!

RUNNNNNNN!!

Why do I know this song?

Oh god there are flashbacks

Why do I recognize this song?

I knew it was the school

More flashbacks?? Lord help me

Sanderrrr where are you

Oh shit, go back that was so cool (the drawings turning into flashbacks)

So many memories!!!!

This is so cool

Where is-- FOUND HIM

**presses pause** I feel the need to take a moment because this is going to be an emotional scene…. **presse play**

He look so lost

No, don't go away!

Oh god he’s crying..help

PAUSE! ..are those drawings of Robbe above his desk?? **peers closely at the tv** oh god they are **presses play**

Shit! They are all over the room!!

Yes, stay!

Nope he will always be there

Ahhh no he will!

We were all worried

Oh god he is holding his--nope he is kissing his hand

Nooo you’re not toxic

Holy shit this is so good

We BOTH have never felt something like that (RIP to her bf again)

Oh boy he said I love you..i’m a mess

He will always say it!

Not in any universe

Oh shit the song is back...where is that from??  **informs her it is from the first kiss** Oh well way to fuck me up with the soundtrack

Oh a game!

Omg the minute by minute already?

Yes, let’s play that

Yes, very chill

His little smile 

This is so sweet

The song is back!

Oh nooooo! Oh god

I’m not okay...not at all

Omg I wasn’t ready for a break down...

I don’t even know where to begin...Sanderrrr

Honestly their acting in this is fucking amazing

OMG! Call back to their almost first kiss!!

Pause! I’m sorry but play that scene again…

**physically covers her mouth for the entire 2nd time watching it**

One more time and then I swear we can move on, I just feel like I missed things…

**third time through** all the pictures!!! This is so painful to watch, but also makes me so happy. I’m so torn...I’m happy Sander has Robbe because Robbe is so sweet...this is hard to watch...I’m emotional on so many levels please don’t judge me...this is so much harder to watch than Skam...I hate how sentimental I am being because it just reminds me of you and I hate it...don’t judge me….also these actors are so fucking good, and I know I’ve said that but it’s true

Before we move on and I don’t care that I’ve paused it and rewound it like a thousands times, you’re gonna listen to another rant. There is so much to say about that scene and I don’t know if i will ever be able to say it all or put it into words and like I said before I’m being overly emotionally about this so please don’t judge me. I know that this is so different form Skam because they combined two scenes and there was a lot more discussion, but I liked the changes because I felt like it fit these characters more. And I love that Robbe never tried to be like oh that’s silly don’t think that, he was just like yeah that shit might happen but I’m still gonna be here. And the call back to the almost kiss was perfect. The whole scene was amazing and well done. Idk, there is so much more to say but I’m just gonna shut up for now

Okay...we can move on now

Oh sweet lord I wasn’t ready...that is fucking adorable

Little spoon Robbe!

Is this a Grease song??

That is the most annoying alarm

Don’t worry Britt, he already has

This is sweetest scene and no one has talked

No! He would never leave you!

Lol to the universe again

Oh yeah...school..that’s a thing

Ofc he is coming back, you silly billy

Still weirded out by the fact that they have little windows on their doors

Does Robbe know what pants are? Like feel free to wear them

Oh mother fucker…

Please tell this isn’t happening

I didn’t go through an entire season of hell with you two to have it end like this

Oh sweet fucking lord..I hate it

CUT! Scene over! 

Noo!

Fuck my life…

Brother and sister right here..love it

Oh hey Moyo

I mean he’s had better days but thanks for asking

Only good advice you’ve ever given dude

You better be okay with it, but thanks for saying it

MAYBE? Maybe it seemed that way? Boy..

I mean I guess you can be broerrs, but you’ve got a lot of work to do my friend

Jens...what?? Check your eyesight

No he would NOT do you

Hahahhaha Jens is butthurt again

He’d choose dying

LOL at you Aaron

I mean, never say never Aaron

Robbe laughing? A rare sight and I love it

Are they out shopping together??

Oh right..it’s christmas time..

NO, let’s stay on topic Zoe

Robbe out here being the relationship expert now

Agree to disagree Zoe

Okay cool let’s not focus on his good traits…

Dude same (Zoe says she feels like shit)

Hahahahaha disaster gay again

Oh Robbe, thank god you brought Zoe

I love this friendship

Damnit right it didn’t feel right

It does indeed (robbe says shit with Sander sucks)

Hell yes it feels right between you two

Oh hey Noor! Legit forgot about you for awhile

Awkward..

I mean yeah..but who wouldn’t want you (robbe) around? Fools, that’s who

She’s pretty cool, I’ll give you that

He’s better than alright...he’s phenomenal

Oooh a party! Hope I’m invited 

Aww Milan and Sander bonding! Love that

Cozy indeed

Milan as a babysitter sounds like a terrible idea

Did he just call him an angel???

Once again Milan is me, I am Milan

They are so fucking cute...they deserve it

The virus??? Holy shit. They started the coronavirus! You bastards

**dances** party time!!

Interior designers over here

Milan you sneaky man you...NO PEEKING!

Jack Frost?!?! Hahahhahahaha OMG hahahaha

Aaron you weirdo wtf???

LOL at Sanders face!! Same, dude same

Also sidenote: him saying he is Robbe’s bf...makes me so fucking happy

Those smiles at each other..fucking adorable

Noor! You made it!

Presents for everyone!

Who is giving alcohol to the Hot Mess Express??

No idea what just happened but ROBBE IS SMILING

Back that shit up! **rewinds** They really looked at each other after Milan said that! (about a cute boy for a present)

Milan disappoint level 100

OMG Noor got Sander?? And a Bowie shirt? Fucking legend

LOL at the fact that Noor is in between Robbe and Sander

Cuddles! (robbe and Sander on the couch)

Luca she is never going to understand anything sex related..poor girl

Back up! **rewinds** Robbe out here spinning his man on the dance floor, so cute

Oh good Lord Aaron is going for it?

Aaron man, don’t fuck it up

I know I should focus on Aaron, but Sander in the background smiling has my attention and I don’t feel bad about that at all

Aaron, man the fuck up! 

There ya go buddy

She is one of kind that’s for sure…

I know I give Amber a lot of shit but you go girl!!

AHHHHH!!!

Shock level 1,000

LOL at everyone’s reaction

**dances** this is my jam!!

DANCE FOR ME, DANCE FOR ME!!

Robbe go and dance my dude

Wait I remember the vlogs..nvm don’t dance

Sander and laughing is a beautiful combo

Oooo I see you Noor and Moyo

He told his mom!

Oh shit Sander looks good in this scene

Oh you got jokes again Sander? 

Yes meet the parents!!

I hope we get to see it (LOL at Kennedy)

Yeah but you’re bringing the BEST boy home

Robbe’s got jokes now too

Sander’s philosophy around Robbe now: clothing optional

Aww they’re so happy and cute! 

That is very true Robbe

The looks between--- oh shit hey Hot Mess Express!

OMG! Robbe said fuck all y’all I’m gonna make out with my bf in front of you

The fact that everyone is cheering them on and Robbe is comfortable with doing that...I’m overwhelmed

WAIT! It’s over?!?!

Holy shit I wasn’t ready…

I have so many thoughts on this season...it was so fucking good. Willem fucking killed it and whoever played Sander (informs her of his name) they are both Willem?! Wtf that’s confusing...anyways they both fucking killed it!! Robbe from episode 1 to now...I’m so proud...I have more thoughts so listen up

**goes on a rant for 10+ more minutes** I am definitely rewatching this season next week because I felt like i missed a lot and I want to focus on the small things