#sorry i will stop after tonight
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notimdude horses...
#my art <3#notimdude#again#sorry i will stop after tonight#also ive never drawn postal dude seriously#its always been shitposts or yaoi#which always counts as shitposts because its never serious#i just find the wonders of the internet funny#i dont have any notes on notim because i originally started drawing him because to me he just looks like a depressed shire horse#and then i was just having fun with the dude design
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everyone get up and make some noise for sirius' vivienne westwood two cowboys with their cocks out shirt!! we're losing our minds over here for sirius' vivienne westwood two cowboys with their cocks out shirt!!
#sorry i uhh. wrote this yesterday and just have not been able to stop thinking about it since so you guys had to see it#google vivienne westwood two cowboys shirt you know the one i mean xx the famous one from SEX xx#unironically this scene went from being kind of difficult to get through to housing my favourite paragraph ive written so far. all because#of sirius black's gay cowboy shirt. also pretentious vaggio reference because well this is remus' pov after all and i have spent#the last few weeks poring over the caravaggio art book i got for christmas i love it sooo much xx#hes done like. 8 john the baptist paintings but theres a few specific ones that really. give me the vibes im going for with sirius' arms xx#he's sooo. well maybe i get it is all im saying#this fic is just. sirius' gay little outfits and descriptions of all the different mugs remus owns and lots of flat kitchens#it is also just. remus having the worst ever time of his life emotionally physically financially and then sirius. sitting next to him#engaging in the sluttiest behaviour you could possibly imagine and having a little smoke#tonight they are in james' kitchen xx he has cooked them all a chicken jalfrezi xx#my fic#snippet#r/s#tsah
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actually it’s crazy to see people openly be like “we don’t care about your content, or the quality of your content, or your ability to make the kind of content you want to make at the level that you want to make it at, or your ability to make that content sustainably while being able to support yourself, or your goal to create a space that fosters more creativity and freedom for yourself and other filmmakers. we actually just care about our ability to be a voyeuristic third party to a relationship between two specific guys who we don’t actually know FOR FREE and we’re gonna act like you owe us that forever without changing or pursuing any of your ambitions. also if you say that your content is worth the same amount as 1 cup of coffee per month, you’re greedy. don’t you know we young folk already can’t afford all the streaming services run by billion dollar corporations that we’re already paying for, which are absolute necessities. why don’t they just fire everybody and move and uh um. idk sell DVDs instead”
#guys i KNOW i’m being annoying about this i’m sorry. i will stop after tonight but goddamn this is irritating#i’m just gonna stop hate scrolling through the tag lol
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i should stop starting video games so late at night bc now i dont want to sleep <3
#camera talks#just started in stars and time :33#(saw too many mutuals kinda posting about it and also i heard it had time loops <3)#very very fun for me so far i am enjoyinggg <3#this happened to me with strange horticulture the other day tho and i played like. 75% of my playthrough between 9pm-1am so yah#anyways. made more bread after i stopped wallowing#it is currently cooking and im very excited :))#also emailed my boss about the situationn earlier so that was fun /s#wont get to eat it tonight bc i has to cool But !! fresh bread for the morning before my dentist i suppose#still very worried about that ngl.#also have to drive there and then around the 'big city' with my sister#(its the big city to Us. and we have a little bit of school shopping to do cuz we dont go to this city with my nana when she takes us)#but i will go to sleep dw <33 just reluctantly#i love the rock paper scissors thing in isat btw it makes me so happy ngl#also sorry for the number of concerning posts ive had recently btw. ive had a tough august </3#(normally im chill during august idk what happened </33)#i am trying to get better. it will happen eventually
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gonna talk about princess mononoke because my lovely mey and i just talked about studio ghlibi and i just remembered how much i love the film
#LIKE ITS JUST SO PERFECT#i literally have a tattoo of kodamas on my ankle that’s how much i love the movie#ashitaka is literally A MAN like he did so so much to try to make the balance between the forest and humans work#HIM CALLING SAN BEAUTIFUL WHEN SHE WAS LITERALLY ABOUT TO KILL HER???#AND WHEN HE SAVED HER AND CARRIED HER OUT DESPITE BEING SHOT LIKE HELLO#“i hate all you humans” “yes im human and so are you’#like her face when she realized she stabbed him like HER FACE LITERALLT SOFTENED SHE FELT SO BAD IM GONNA CRY#AND HE WASNT EVEN MAD?? HE JUST WANTED TO HUG HER#“i’m sorry’#“i tried to stop it’#HELLOOOOO#he loved her so much#AND SHE DID TOO#i like you ashitaka but I can't forgive the things that humans did#AHHHHHHHHHH#HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#like idk i would’ve loved seeing them together but the fact that they didn’t end up together adds so much depth to each character#and just the overall like#look of princess mononoke#LIKE ITS SO PRETTY HELLO THE SPIRITS AND EVERYTHING#i will never NEVER shut up about studio ghlibi like give me any film and i’ll rave about it#but princess mononoke will always have something in my heart#honestly ashitaka is one of the most well written characters ever in general and i will DIE on that hill#it also just shows the cruel reality of greed and how evil humans can be#and the disturbance of spirits like#i’m gonna rewatch tonight because this movie is absolutely jaw dropping#and also their voices are so beautiful like both sub and dubbed#seeing the forest heal even after the forest spirit died was so beautiful#i also just love the old anime art style too like the vibes are just so so so beautiful#it’s a perfect mix between the old studio ghlibi style and the new one it’s so perfect
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its possible the deep-rooted anxiety that everyone around me silently finds me annoying is never going to go away
#trying sooo hard not to reassurance seek bc i know it would only make it all worse#but its honestly exhausting to constantly have to assume im NOT annoying just so i can keep living my life and maintaining friendships#like i know i need to operate as if i am wanted but its stressful to do so#SORRY ill stop personal posting after tonight
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#oh i am a bit tired tonight folks. had a nice time yesterday trawling through old pens forums and linking back some posts to here#(all with links because like - it's nice to share where you've found fun stuff right?) no point gatekeeping at all - we don't own content#and then the same old people once again somehow by chance post the exact same five or six photos 5 minutes after#and yeah. great minds think alike right? you were probably trawling a not touched since 2015 forum too at the same time. it's possible#and out of the hundreds of photos on there you decided to make the exact selection i did. it's possible right?#and truthfully i don't really care because i'm posting this stuff because my blog is MY personal archive and it's stuff I want to catalogue#but when you have blocked as many blogs and sideblogs as you can and people are still finding you and send you shitty anons for just...#daring to use the player tags? cataloging stuff by literally tagging the player's name? ughhhhh it's exhausting how can i block you when yo#are the tumblr equivalent of hydra regrowing a new fake sideblog pretending to be a different person every week.#sorry i know this ranting into the abyss is pointless but i have a few more posts scheduled for tonight and i know i'll wake up tomorrow#and miraculously the same ones will be posted on the same people's blogs 5 minutes after me and it's just so childish#but yeah. we all know who they are and i'm just a little tired of it and hearing the stories of people being harassed in their inboxes/dms#anyway anyway anyway. i think i shall just take a break from posting stuff because feeling a little disheartened! and uncomfortable#because i feel watched. please stop using other blogs to find me. please stop talking about me in your tags. touch some grass my friends
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WHY?, “Sin Imperial" // Car Sear Headrest, “I Can Play the Piano”
#Whywithaquestionmark#Car Seat Headrest#trigger warning for eating disorders I'm sorry I don't know the best way to tag them I never had to before#I was having a conversation earlier about how I have a very specific relationship with fasting#in that for me specifically I feel like it’s just slow-burn starvation#because it gave me an eating disorder#this idea that if I just stop eating then I'll lose weight and if I lose weight I'll be better#that eating was a moral failure on my part because if I just held out a little longer then I'd be beautiful#so when I'd eventually break fast because it had been days and my vision was fading#I'd make myself throw up afterwards because I had failed#that morphed into all the different little toxic relationships I have with food#I still consider myself a monster for eating#I still lie about how much or how often I eat#and after I stopped forcing myself to throw up after every meal all the consequences hit#my hair started falling out my teeth started falling out all the weight I lost came back#and there was this voice in the back of my head that said that if I had kept going none of that would have happened#and that's kind of true because either those delayed consequences wouldn't have hit#Or I would have actually succeeded in starving myself to death#anyway I relapsed after dinner tonight and purged again and the why? song came on shuffle on the drive home#and I thought it was a little ironic haha#and I ate some more when I got home and I'm really struggling with this one right now haha#because I told myself I wouldn't have anything else to eat tonight but I did and now I feel like I have to pay for it#I think people forgot I was bulimic a few years ago or I just thought I told them and didn't#because it seemed like news at the dinner table lmao#I don't talk about it a lot because it's really upsetting to people I care about#But I haven't made myself throw up in a long time so this is kind of scary I think#Or maybe I shouldn't be scared and instead I should just force of will this#back myself into a lose-lose situation where I either hate myself for eating or hate myself for starving/purging#that's the only way my brain knows how to function I guess#whoever wins we lose haha whatever
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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i dont know much about trigun but i think it would be silly if vash and knives (they are brothers?) or vash and wolfwood (lovers? enemies? idk) were drawn like that barbie and ken mugshot meme. From what you post Mr Vash Stampede just seems like ken. little silly guy
YOU HAVE THE MOST PERFECT TIMING WITH THIS EVER I'm literally in the middle of drawing a picture of knives and vash that looks like this.
theyre brothers your honor
#i would draw the whole meme but i simply do not have the energy for it tonight#the phrase mr the stampede has been stuck in my head all night hehe u just reminded me of it#drawing vashs tristamp hair is soooo painful to me. i miss the spikey. unfortunately i am doing a style swap thing with this so i have to#sigh </3#hiiii louis this made me smile hehe thank u#also ive seen like 3 ppl do that meme with vashwood already so the fact that u included knives makes me happy :]#(<< guy who is having a category 12 emotional about millions knives moment tonight)#theyre BROTHERS. theyre brothers.....#i love the idea that after canon knives calms down and stops trying 2 kill everybody bc he realizes#oh i dont want to commit genocide actually. i just need therapy.#but like. he and vash are still both wanted criminals because. gestures at the events of trigun. all that#so its just. silly antagonistic brother adventures. i keep thinking abt that one drawing someone did of them comparing wanted posters#its so silly and its so important to meeeeeee.#knives just needs to smoke some weed and play Minecraft for a few hours and he'll calm down.#hes just got undiagnosed autism and a metric ton of childhood trauma. its fine#sorry i kind of went off on u there. I'm having trigun emotions tonight. if u couldn't tell#making this unrebloggable because its a wip <3 sorry kings#my sketches are sooooo ugly . u get the idea tho#asks#friends!!!#din0draws#shrimp fried rice#also. other file names blurred bc its a spoiler for another ask I'm answering soon. lmao
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just gonna vent for a sec please dont mind me
#………………………….#i just need to put some thoughts out in the universe because i cant stand them anymore inside of me#sh tw#i feel like such a failure and a stupid piece of shit#i have so much anger inside of me#i dont feel it much usually but some days i just feel this violent need to scream my lungs out#and then if things get worse the urge changes if u know what i mean#and i have been feeling so isolated and not even misunderstood tbh because people just dont seem to care about almostanything thats about me#and i just cant help somehow reaching the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me. im just not worth caring about#and i tell myself that thats okay but its not and im not okay and my hatred for myself just gets worse and worse#not only for that but because i keep feeling disappointed with people and i cant find the courage to say shit#and all of these feelings in my head converge into one thing at the end of the day#and i couldnt help it tonight#i tried but i was physically unable to stop thinking about it#and so i gave in after almost two months of being able to resist#and it was bad#i dont panic often when i do this because i know my limits but tonight i went too far and i panicked and i just spent an hour sobbing in the#bathroom and feeling stupid and sorry for myself#what a stupid life
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I'm sorry to bring up another Jurassic Park comparison but I remembered this scene from the third movie and couldn't help but feel it would very much be something Man-Bat would pull.
#;; ooc#🦇 || musings#It's that scene from JP3 where the raptor is pretending to be a specimen in the embryo tubes#Only to try and ambush the people#That combined with recognizing he can go OVER the barrier gap too?#Just pure nightmare fuel when I was younger#I can't stop thinking about Jurassic Park/World now that libertytaken and volucerrubidus started talking about it#Kirk on the other hand would be a scientist/researcher for the flying reptiles and would LOVE the Queztalcoatlus#For now I'm quite content with Man-Bat being a nightmare in Gotham#The duality of bat where he can be like this but will also behave nicely for a banana#Just some dumb thoughts before work sorry <3#Three days off after tonight!
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if there's one thing I hate it's nurses who treat you like a child or an inconvenience when you're in pain despite them insisting you shouldn't be.
no, I can't sit on the side of the bed to eat my soup, sitting up hurts like hell and I don't care that you don't think it does. it does. I know it does because it's my body and I feel the pain, so what the fuck is that about?! I had surgery this morning, there's a wound in my belly button, so it's going to hurt for a bit, I'm not being dramatic or anything!
the weirdest part is that I didn't complain or say anything, I just started sitting up very slowly to eat, and she felt the need to treat me like I'm an idiot for being in pain 🤷
she also rolled her eyes and made an annoyed noise when I showed that I was in pain during and after she gave me the injection to prevent blood clots. lady, I don't know what your problem is but that shit hurts like hell for me, every single time I've gotten it, and it keeps hurting for over an hour. so I'm going to fucking wince a little and you're just gonna have to learn to deal with that without being an asshole.
it's like there's two categories of nurses - the ones that are incredibly sweet and kind and caring, who apologise if something they do hurts and are calm and understanding when you show that you're in pain. and the ones that are completely dismissive and treat you like you're a fucking idiot for every single question, statement or reaction.
#the one who said this has generally been really unfriendly and harsh#the nurse who was here when I came in this morning was SO nice though so I really hope she'll be working tonight or tomorrow morning#and I might complain (a little) about this one when the doctors come in tomorrow morning... or at least mention that she keeps being rude#like. this is the ward for people who just had surgery so how can you be that dismissive and rude about this??#anyway lol I can handle this behaviour now#last time this happened in I think 2019 I had a breakdown after one specific nurse kept treating me exactly like this#sorry but if you're such a huge bitch maybe you shouldn't work with people. especially not patients.#I've vented and now I feel better lol so it's fine now. and I should be going home on Sunday anyway so I won't have to deal with her for#too long#personal#tw medical#tw hospital#oof this just reminded me that the shitty nurse in 2019 actually told me to stop overreacting and being a baby when that stupid injection#hurt me. like??? why?? even if I was the only person who ever experienced pain during that (which I don't think is the case) that still#wouldn't give anyone the right to treat me like that?? over simply making an involuntary sound and shedding a couple tears#it's not like I said anything to her or was angry at her. it's so stupid#at least this time the lovely old lady I'm sharing a room with said after this that she thinks it's surprising that I can even sit up at#all so soon after surgery. that felt nice
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#can i just calm down for 2 seconds please. can the anxiety stop for just a bit please#i'm gonna go buy bubbles#bubbles are nice. i can't do mindful breathing or whatever you call it on my own.#i'll literally panic trying to control my breathing. but. blowing bubbles. that makes me feel better#and it's the same thing but with bubbles. that used to be my go to method before therapy and zoloft#but today i'm just FREAKING out#a friend invited me to something and yesterday when hanging out with another friend i mentioned it#and i was like 'oh you didn't know about it? i'm sure they wouldn't mind. let me ask if you can come'#and that friend left me on read and then finally told me this morning that they weren't sure about it#because apparently someone or some people in the larger like... not friend group more like friend web#don't like this other friend and that's why they weren't invited. that and it was gonna be just a couple of us.#and after apologizing a lot and going back and forth being like 'i'm so sorry this is my fault'#and them being like 'no it's not i should be more inclusive i feel bad not including them'#and me being like no you're allowed to not invite people i shouldn't have mentioned it ahhhhhhhhhhhh#so i don't know where host-friend stands right now about the other friend coming#BUT that other friend invited me out tonight and i had said i would come but that was before all this chaos#so if i go meet them i'll have to avoid the whole invite thing and hope they forgot but i don't think they forgot#and i'm like who doesn't like this person and why because i think i know why and that it's a misunderstanding#and tonight i could casually be like 'hey you should text so-and-so about that thing and touch base' to fix it#BUT if i'm wrong and it's someone ELSE then i don't know why and just ahh i hate drama especially theatre people drama#and i feel extra bad for creating this mess ahhhhh. so now i've been a ball of anxiety all night.#hmm. venting and writing this out made me calm down a little. god i need to get back into journalling
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this looks insanely funny after my last post but the crown plotline actually sucks serious shit btw like haha funny callback but now it's just trading around the other empires (scott is king now afaik?) like we literally already did this and it was mid the first time around sorry!! i love the individual characters of empires but season 2 has almost nothing of substance to stand for itself it is half-comprised of season 1 callbacks and a crossover with a far larger server, neither of which are inherently bad things but when it makes up your major plotlines... get real!
#crit#putting this out there like a poisonous frog warning after my last post. come view my empires posts guys i promise theyre not 90% crit#also ill stop being so negative now sorry this morning has been like hit after hit to me even outside of youtubers.#if i remain alive for the streams tonight it will be a christmas in april miracle#mine
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