#sorry for this vent im just i don't know what to do anymore this feeling of guilt has been getting worse everyday

[blackfilmmakers]

genuine question, as another black person who cant go out and protest what should i do? im not gonna lie, i listened to some of malcom x's speeches and mlks final speech and broke down. it feels like my family will never be safe here, but as someone whos unemployed and cant even drive (and even if i could drive, i dont have the money to leave) it feels like im doomed. it just feels like the majority of america and even the world assumes that just because the civil rights movement is 'over' racism isnt that bad anymore. someone tried to argue with me that racism isnt that bad in the usa compared to european countries because its 'not as in your face anymore'. what about police brutality? what about right now??? sorry for venting i just. this shit is breaking me man, and i legit dont know what to do

I'm feeling it too, and it pains me to see Black people struggle like this when we just want to be left alone

Here are some things to consider:

1) Your mere existence is a protest of itself. White people legit thought we'd all naturally die out at this point. It sucks that just living as a Black person is considered to be politically divisive; but that's why just being present is itself a protest

2) Not everyone needs to be a foot soldier or protester to join the fight. If there was a war and there was a side that was made up of nothing but fighters, they would lose. You need your scribes, you need your medics, you need your journalists, you need that kid that goes around the neighborhood, and plasters stickers of uplifting slogans

3) Do not feel obligated to engage with racists and bigots. I don't care what any nonblack leftist on here tells you, most of them cant stop using aave w/o having a breakdown. Your saftey comes first. This does not mean to bubble yourself, always stay woke about what goes on around you. But Black people are always expected to be in the front lines always physically fighting. Let others do their part

4) Search for community aid, community gardens, local/rec libraries, etc. Set up Black focused community events. Whether they are physical communities or online communities. Look into Black groups that focus on cooking while on a budget

5) Read various Black literature and essays. You have a physical copy? Try scanning them and having them on file. Spread it before people try erasing all traces of the material

6) Look into information by Black and Indigenous people about their thoughts on walkable cities and gentrification, mainly because these are topics that directly affect you from what I'm reading. But also look for bus/public transit modes of transportation

7) Share mutual aid, and don't be afraid to share your own when you need help.

8) Remember that every month is Black History Month, so we always have the opportunity to share and celebrate Blackness

I can't guarantee these are absolute solutions, but they are a starting point that I hope helps you in the long run ❤️

[orion-archives]

I'm tired. Of all of this.

Every fucking day feels like the same, yet it gets heavier. Things get worse, nothing gets better and the few things that gave me security, happiness, where I thought I could escape and be free for some moments, are getting corrupted, forgotten, stained forever, never to be the same refuge they once were.

I'm tired of living sometimes. Of existing on this world.

I know how dying feels; it's calming, the darkness eats you and you feel without worries for the first time in your existance. You know it and that frees you.

But I don't want to die. I'm a coward. I want to continue living on this earth just because I think I can do something in the future, something that will fix everything, something that will give a purporse to everything I've done and lived through.

But we all know that is just a lie to make us feel better, don't we?

Because, at the end of all, do we really matter? What can assure us that?

I'm tired. Too tired.

I want to go somewhere else, but there is nowhere to escape. I want to say that I want to go home, go to the park, go to a forest and be happy. But this is something that will haunt me, haunt me forever and everywhere until the end.

Because you can't escape yourself.

I'm tired...

[mooodyblue]

life is making me want to bash my head into the goddamn wall.

need a job! can't get a job because i have no transportation! need a car!! can't get a car cause i don't have money!! in order to get money i need a job!!! like girl what the hell am i supposed to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 24 and i have barely worked i barely leave my house i need a JOB

[skyteglad]

the latest aita is making me sad. the teeth one. because like... when i was a kid, i was told to have braces! and that i'd need an eventual surgery! and because i didn't want to, my parents didn't make me.

that surgery would've changed my life. i'm not fucking kidding. i'm pretty sure 75% of my physical disabilities stem from not getting that surgery. and by the time i was able to bring up trying to have corrective work again, i was two years from losing my insurance, and my parents procrastinated. now it seems like a pipe dream it'll ever happen.

i get being resentful of your parents forcing you to do things you don't want to do, but god damn, if mine had actually really pushed me into getting braces, my life would be so much different and so much better.

[biomechabird]

#i try to avoid blocking unless it's something egregious#since blocking goes both ways#but if it's harmless fandom fun that just isn't my thing

Yes, exactly. I have been doing this ever since I was told how to do it and it has made my tumblr experience so much better.

Those people could still in theory follow me, which I don't mind at all if they like what I do! I just don't want to see /their/ stuff (which I should note is all fandom harmless fun, just of a thing that personally triggers ME and only ME).

Me not liking it is MY problem to manage, not theirs!

"I don't like the fandom content this person posts!"

Then unfollow them.

"I'm not following them, but they're in all the tags!"

Then block them.

"I blocked them but all the people I follow reblog their posts!"

Then unfollow those people.

"But I like their other content!"

Then add the person's username to your blocklist.

"But—"

No. Stop. Listen. You cannot control what other people post or how they interpret your favorite characters or what ships they like. All you can control is your own actions and your public responses. Block them, filter out their username, then post your own stuff to carve out a space for yourself and people like you in your fandom. You will be a million times happier if you focus on what you're doing and what you enjoy instead of on the people you don't like.

[hsjxishbeoelwj]

tw: vent post, long long rant/vent post lmao sorry :3 im going through it fr fr!!!! 😜 (this is kinda cringe ngl, lol)

god, please let my sister still feel safe and comfortable around me even when I don't deserve it. She deserves so much more than me and my shit attitude and behavior towards her. She deserves to be loved and get out of this house because she's just a kid, my baby, though she doesn't deserve this life we've built for her. She deserves people who won't yell or snap at her for being a kid. I hope she never fears me. I hope she never feels her stomach churn because of the sound of my voice, and I hope she never knows me by the sound of my footsteps. Because, lord knows she deserves so, so much more. She deserves to feel safe in her own room with out me saying to get out (we share a room). And yet, I still can't help but feel that selfishness that screams at me from the darkest parts of my mind, the ones that scream "kick her out before she ruins the delicate system you have built in this room, she doesn't deserve to be here." And yet, I so desperately want to listen to the much, much smaller voice that says "this is her room to, she deserves to feel safe in here to without feeling like shes walking on eggshells. You swore to yourself that you'd never make her feel the way you did when you were her age. But look at you now. Horrible and basically as bad as you feared you'd be." I hate it. I miss knowing my little sister more than I knew myself. She just wants her big sisters attention. She just wanted my love and validation. I see the way she looks at me when she thinks I'm not looking. I hate it. I hate that she looks at me like I'm not the big sister she wants. I miss when she used to look at me with stars in her eyes and awe in her voice as she screamed my nickname so happily, the nickname only she's allowed to call me. It feels weird when she calls me by my actual name, even when it's not that different. Where was I going with this? I don't know. I just miss my baby sister, my baby. My dear sister. And maybe that's my fault. Scratch that. It most definitely is my fault. I pushed her away because I was scared of hurting her, but I hurt her anyway. It's hard not to when you both have shared a room since she was a baby. I've never had my own space. Maybe that's why I do this. Out of my own selfish desire for privacy. She doesn't deserve this. If only she were born earlier. If only she were closer in age. But, would that have changed things? I don't know. I wish I did. God, or whoevers listening, please, oh please, let there be a universe where I can live my baby sister like she needs me too. Where I'm actually a good sister. Where she doesn't fear my mood swings like they're a knife I'm about to stab her with. Where she never finches away from me in fear of what will happen. Where she never gets that long, sad stare when she thinks we aren't looking. Where I can protect her from all the bad, instead of being the bad she needs shelter from. Please, whoever is listening to this. Please, let there be a universe where I'm not a fucked up little kid who will never know whats wrong with me. I just want to know what's wrong with me. Maybe then I'll stop snapping and hurting the ones I love. I don't want to be my grandma. I don't want to be someone who snaps at the smallest things because they aren't how she left them. I don't want to make my loved ones sick of me because of how I am. I don't want to be someone who is feared by my siblings. I don't want my little baby sister (who is taller than me now? when did that happen?) to flea to her room so her big sister to be better just for her to realize I'm the one she's hiding from. I don't want her to feel like she'll never feel safe around me again. Please, lord, don't let me become like my grandma, who makes everyone drained when she starts talking. Instead, lord, let me be like my mother, the kind soul she is, and let me be an open space where I can't help but spill my guts too.

Please let me be a good sister.

Please don't let me become my grandmother and hers before her.

Please, let me be like my mother.

Pleaee let me baby sister feel like she is not wanted because if my stupid mistakes.

Please let her not take to heart what I said when I was angry and had no control over my words and emotions.

Please let her know that she will always have a place in my heart no matter what.

Please let her know that no matter what I say, her big sister will always love her, even if she doesn't love me.

Please let her know it's never going to be her fault for being and acting like a child, for wanting her big sisters approval.

Please let her know I will never, ever truly hate her (I genuinely don't think I can).

Please, lord above, tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it and be a better sister to my older and younger siblings. If not, then, please, strike me down and send me to hell.

I can not handle hurting them again. I think it will kill me. I can not handle seeing my family cry because of my stupid, reckless, impulsive actions. I can't do this anymore.

Please let my family know that if I do eventually die by my own hand, it was never their fault. It was mine for being so weak.

Please let my sister know that she will never be at fault for what her big sister did.

Please let my baby, my little sister know that her big sister has always been proud of her.

Please, God, tell me what is wrong with me so that I may fix it.

(perhaps i wasn't cut out to be a sibling..?)

[bluesquaress]

[xharpiex]

.

[okonogikonomi]

Hi! Can I have a seperate headcanons for Soshiro, Gen and Reno (romantic) + Kafka (Platonic) with a female reader?

The boys noticed their s/o was getting close towards Kafka and quite jealous but when s/o told them she saw Kafka as a father figure. What would the boys + Kafka react to this?

YOO this is so cute lol. Also first request woohoo thank you!!

Shoshiro Hoshina

At first he's like, "huh. That's weird" when you're hanging out with Kafka a lot. He didn't think you two would click.

I think he's the least likely of the three to be jealous, tbh. He's pretty mature where it matters and wouldn't mind your friendship. It's when Kafka seems enamored by you that he gets... territorial. Not jealous, though.

Wouldn't outright tell Kafka to fuck off because he likes the guy, but would start being more publicly affectionate superior officers be damned

When you ask what his deal is, because yes, you noticed him glaring Kafka down at one point, he explains and you laugh, which actually relieves his anxieties. He's good at reading people, but he's an expert on you, or he likes to think he is, and the fact that you're laughing makes him realize how silly he sounds. Kafka would never, and you don't see him that way at all.

When you compare Kafka to something like a dad, or at least a "dad friend," Soshiro laughs a little too loudly.

You tell Kafka and he's like, vaguely terrified of your boyfriend for a week or so lmao

Gen Narumi

Pissbaby

SORRY I love him but. He hates that you're spending time with Kafka and he is VOCAL about this. You even argue about it

"What, is that OLD GUY better than me, is that it?!" "HE'S ONLY 32, JACKASS, THAT'S NOT OLD" "OHHH SO THAT IS IT"

You don't talk for a few days, and you vent to Kafka, actually. He's like? "Wait, he's jealous of me?? LOL"

Kafka actually has to be the mediator between you two, because as much as Gen thinks about texting you a billion times during the few days you don't talk, he's a weiner and is afraid you're gonna break up with him. So Kafka texts him and explains what you told him

At first Gen is like "why's this BITCH who STOLE MY WOMAN texting me" but he doesn't hate Kafka so he reads it and goes "oh shit"

Shows up at your doorstep 15 minutes later with big ol sad eyes. "Sorry 🥺"

You have a pretty long conversation then, about how you feel about him vs. Kafka. Needless to say, Gen is over the moon when you say you love him. Not anyone else.

Yeah this one ends in sex sorry lol IM NOT GONNA GET EXPLICIT THOUGH

Reno Ichikawa

You, Reno, and Kafka are all good friends, so it seems natural that you'd hang out with Kafka. At least, that's what Reno tells himself.

Until he realizes you two spend more time together than either of you do with him. Weird.

He immediately starts reeling. What if you liked Kafka better than him? Are you into older men? What if you are and you just didn't know that? Are you...maybe cheating on him? With his friend? No, no....but what if?

Why you worry so much, worry baby?

Doesn't address it right away. Tries giving the benefit of the doubt but eventually you notice that he seems sulky.

When he asks you about it, he's visibly teary eyed. He's usually so rational and level headed but the idea of you not wanting him anymore AND betraying his trust in one go makes him crazy.

You're really sad, too, that he thinks you'd do that. You comfort him and tell him that Kafka is like a dad or an older brother. When you say it, he realizes that it checks out in the way you interact with him and gets real embarrassed.

You have to reassure him twice that day lol

Kafka, in this situation, is a little offended. "Why would you think I'd steal your girl" kinda thing. But he's also...flattered? That Reno thought he was good enough for you, i guess. They probably argue about it a little.

[vilelittlecritter]

...

That was an emotional rollercoaster I wasn't prepared for.

I had one really strange dream once, I think it was 3-4 years ago, and it was so vivid it stuck with me. When I recall it, it leaves me feeling some sort of emptiness, but at the same time, there is that curiosity. I know it's just a dream and I don't really know if they mean anything (my usual dreams are pretty wacky (and always include Miraculous and Minecraft (sometimes the Promised Neverland for some reason))) but I can't help but wonder if this one says something about me and my future.

It starts in what seems to be a meadow, during the end of summer. It was pretty late in the afternoon, and I was a kid, in the middle of a bunch of adults setting up their vans to leave the place. There was this kid I can't recall the face, with unkept light blond hair chuckling and smiling at me. It seemed like we were best friends. We would hold hands and run around, hide behind the vans and the high, wild grass. It can clearly remember how transparent, gold/faint beige the grass was. It reflected the last rays of light in this very nostalgic summer scenery.

This friend and I seemed very, very close. I don't know if we were friends or something more, like some childhood crushes. But I know that in this dream, the affection for this kid was strong. To a point where I feel sad whenever I think about them.

Then, the two of us got in the van, and my friend was the one driving (dream logic). We were having a good time together, singing and laughing. Until I noticed that the the landscape through the window repeated itself, and even weirder, it was fading. I looked at my friend, panicked, and I saw a sadistic evil smile on their face. I began crying and screaming, yelling at them, but they were laughing hysterically, like they betrayed me. I began scratching their face, they didn't flinch. I don't know why but I thought this was he lost appropriate reaction lol – but I felt a true sense of despair at that moment. It felt very real. It legitimately hurted.

I can't remember what happened next, I woke up suddenly. I think the can crashed but I honestly can't recall.

When I think about it, I feel sad, as if this kid really existed, as if I experienced that betrayal in real life. Really, this shit made me emotional one night 🥲

I'm curious about your thoughts on this guys

[knichii]

OK. does anyone else feel irritated that eng dub seems to be favoured in mha? in edits, in fics, it's clear most people watched dub and idk it's been rlly grinding my gears.

okay, to get this out the way, I don't like mha's eng dub. I don't like any of them. half don't fit their characters, 75% of the time the tone lands forced and awkward, and its literally just unbearable for me to watch I'm sorry. I have this issue with a lot of anime and cartoons so this isn't solely a my hero problem, but this is definitely the most severely I've disliked a dub. and yet I cannot escape it.

one of my biggest issues is the nuance that's lost in translation. anyone with any familiarity with the Japanese language will know what I mean. list of examples:

HONORIFICS

1. iida refers to class 1-A with '-kun'

2. yaoyorozu refers to class 1-A with '-san'

3. asui refers to class 1-A with '-chan'

3. deku with '-kun' (m) & '-san' (f)

that says SO MUCH about their characters, how they view their relationships, how they view themselves,, but in dub?? all of that's lost. ESP the significance of deku still calling bkg 'kacchan'. [simplified, '-chan' is used for cute/endearing things. it stemmed from children mispronouncing '-san', and became a childish, cutesy way of calling someone, usually someone you're VERY familiar with. it implies a shocking ammount of intimacy] thru years of bullying, all the rocks and straight up non existent road of their relationship, deku STILL calls him 'kacchan', the ONLY one allowed to do so ("but kaminari--" NEENAWNEENAWNEENAW).

in eng dub it gets reduced to a mere nickname, lacking all of its weight.

another thing is bakugou sub vs dub (...)

URGGGGGGHHHH

the most recent example is when bkg says "of course you pulled it off, Icyhot." (I forgot the context tho) in sub, he says "of course you pulled it off, TODOROKI".

THATS SUCH A NICHE, SUBTLE WAY OF SHOWING HIS DEVELOPMENT THATS TOSSED STRAIGHT OUT THE WINDOW. translation (manga) also has him calling his seniors 'senpai' which is... not what he says in sub????? 'senpai' indicates respect for someone your senior,,,, which. bkg would never show. (or only in EXTREMELY rare cases, MAYBE)

there's also my peeve abt names. this may be an only me issue, but I don't like it when japanese names are written in western format (e.g Izuku Midoriya)... ("this guy cannot be fr rn" unfortunately yes I am). I don't have a reason for this, and I'm aware it's niche and irrational, but I always cringe a little when I'm reading a fic, that's SET IN JAPAN, and their names are written Given Name, Family Name. emphasis on SET IN JAPAN. THEY ARE JAPANESE. THEY ARE NOT AMERICAN.

bkg's hero name. his og one which was translated to King Explosion Murder, losing all of the wit and cleverness in the jp original. this post goes into more detail and is very cool check it out

slightly irrelevant but bkg's jp va, Okamoto Nobuhiko, like. wow. the bkdk fight? the voice cracks? the ANGUISH?? the softness in his voice when bkg was abt to die (the hallucination w all might) ??? like,, wow. the emotion is so much more raw than it's conveyed in eng

I've gotten off point. point is I WISH MORE PEOPLE APPRECIATED AND WATCHED IN JP SUB. IM SCREAMING INTO THE VOID AND MY OWN VOICE IS ECHOING BACK I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.

(note: jjk was my first anime fandom so I'm probably spoiled. over there, sub seems to be favoured, barring a few iconic lines [ray chase lwk served as sukuna in the shibuya arc] and the fics, like 70% of the ones I read, used japanese honorifics and culture. in comparison, mha was a bit of a shock. the side of the fandom I washed up on is so... American??? maybe I'm in the wrong place idk. everything's just extremely white and slightly uncomfortable.)

this was a bit of a vent post,, obviously ik people are entitled to opinions (even if they're wrong), I js wanted tk if anyone else felt the same way

reading this back, I'm aware of how chronically online I am. yeah. still tho

[thedogeveryonehates]

I just had my first ever adult-y 'im sorry but we can't be friends anymore' conversation and it really sucked and it really hurt and I'm writing it down here bcus i feel awful🫠

Long story

So we met on the dating apps years ago and we've kept in contact ever since cause he's genuinely a sweet & cool guy. Also, he was hard of hearing and would teach me cool indo sign language stuff

He lives in another city and only visits occasionally for work reasons but whenever he stopped by we would hang out

Back then it would be hanging out and hooking up but ever since i met my bf he wanted to make it clear that the latter was off the table since he wasnt comfortable with it

The next time we met I had to explain to him that I was no longer in the market for a partner, but I really valued his friendship - trying my best to show that I didn't wanna lead him on if that was the case

Even though he said he understood, it really didn't seem that way over the next few months

We would be having normal conversations and catching up on whatsapp and he'd randomly say "so you don't have feelings for me?" or "what did i do wrong?" - and it really made it awkward like we were literally discussing our spotify albums 2 minutes ago what happened

The worst part is, he would ask these questions very genuinely and sometimes follow up on these questions. So then I would match the tone as best i can - only to get the response "haha yeah i was joking i already know haha". Whenever it happened i would laugh it off and look stupid

But the final straw happened a few hours ago. He was feeling flirty but i was tired so i said to try and find a casual hookup on the dating app. He's genuinely really handsome and he's always been popular on the apps so i said it shouldn't be hard for him and that he'd find someone within the hour

He then straight up LIES to me and says that he deleted the apps a few weeks ago, following that up by writing "you are more than enough"

Afraid that he thought i was leading him on or sending him signals, i tried to shoot that down as fast as possible. Basically going through the motions of rejecting someones advances as respectfully as i possibly could to a good friend i cared about

After a few grueling minutes of silence, he hits me with the "damn i wasnt being serious" and sends me a screenshot of the app still on his phone (full of unread notifications - remember: popular)

Fast forward an hour later and ive blocked him everywhere except instagram dms, where i told him that i needed some space

Yes he apologized profusely and yes i accepted his apology but i just got so stressed and humiliated that I couldn't take it anymore

I still feel awful

This is usually something i would vent to my boyfriend but he's asleep rn so ill just let my [tumblr] mutuals know and probably delete it when i wake up

Writing kinda makes me feel better it turns out

[rayjeff]

btw sorry i haven't been as active recently, life's rough

(if you want to hear me vent and talk about life you can read it below hihi, anyway i wish you good night/day/whatever ;>)

okay so i was assigned to this 'art competition' at my school called "makro" around 3 months ago. What the hell's makro you may ask, it's a silly thing teachers assign you to in 4th grade of art school high school and give you extra classes in drawing, painting and sculpture for as long as you're not kicked out.. kicked out? well, yeah, there are 'preliminaries' so they can pick """the best students""". When there are 3 to 5 students left, they send you even further to the state competition(? country competition?? i dont know how to translate that lol). So yeah, pretty serious stuff i guess. If you win, you can receive a scholarship (and have almost perfect art portfolio)

so what am i doing there? I HAVE NO IDEA GOD DAMN IT

they fricking put me there without my knowledge and now im in the last 9 students?? help???

i honestly hate being there, i probably should be more greatful but i just can't enjoy something im forced to do. I've been drawing the same god damn stuff for several months now and i feel so washed out and exhausted that i don't like drawing anymore and im questioning my life choices xD

yes, i posted some sonic sketches ealier in the day but this is literally the first thing i've drawn for myself in a month or 2

i could have said that i don't want to participate in this beforehand, but they said that it was beneficial, relaxing and i could develop my skills, so i agreed. Now it's too late to say no. I'm too deeply involved in this to back out. And at this point i'm not sure if i would be more sad if they kicked me out (which would mean that i'm not good enough) or if i was moved to the next stage (more suffering)

I stopped texting to anyone too besides my 2 close friends, im just too tired to do anything honestly and i just want me and my mattress to become one

I'm holding on for now but ohhh it's hard sometimes

anyway.. sorry for whining and wasting your time lol, hope you guys doing okay :] wish you funky, silly, fun weekend

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[the-other-soup]

Asking on anon cause I have anxiety and don't want to accidentally self promote on your blog and I don't wanna be like that

Also college anon again (ik I'm venting at you again I'm sorry)

I'm frustrated cause I really wanna write but I don't have the time to do it without getting paid to do it so I opened comms and I mean I know I'm not super popular but I do have an okay following right? I know that unfortunately commissions do tend to come from how many people follow you but I just want to make it through college cause I do not get paid enough (or at all) which is part of the major stressing, I just wanna eat and sleep and write but I can't do this for free anymore.

I wish I could do comms for like digital art but I'm like just starting to learn and I have zero self confidence in that and I don't want people to be unhappy with what I get them right so I can write but I feel like it's harder to get comms for that too cause it takes more time to read the material I'd be writing for... I just guess I'm asking how to even start doing commissions cause I cannot sustain this (I live in the USA)

Sorry for bothering you again -😿

im so sorry anon but i dont have a lot of advice for comms 😭😭

im still trying to figure out what prices and listings should look like on top of rules and tos and a timeframe that works and how many at a time i can handle for myself :(

my best advice is to just go for it and try comms, cause theres always the chance that things are gonna work out. if youre not super confident in your abilities, then setting your prices a bit lower than average could help with what customers expect maybe? but honestly, theres probably a chance you just dont see how much you or your work is worth, i know ive been in that boat for the longest time myself

or if you want you could open up a ko-fi for people to support you outside of comms. ive seen some artists take sketch requests through there for a couple bucks each. i mean its not a lot, but it does add up pretty quick

im sorry i cant help you more tho anon, i hope all goes well and wish the best for you :(

[fairycosmos]

i don't have anyone so a stranger feels better but i think im going to kill myself soon. i don't see myself living anymore. everything is so doom and gloom

hey i'm so sorry to hear this and i get it 100%. i understand that clichéd words of comfort often ring hollow during times like these, so i won't just spout off empty platitudes. honestly i genuinely empathise with what you're going through and i totally recognising that words can't alleviate the overwhelming turmoil you're experiencing. it's so difficult to be in this headspace day after day, and it's completely understandable to feel drained/on the verge of giving up. existence can be exhausting and sometimes that's just all there is to it.

nevertheless, i hope you're able to reconsider eventually. i hope you're able to get to a place where you're able to see that your current mental state may not accurately reflect reality. your mind may be distorting your perceptions and endlessly catastrophising, as is common w suicidal ideation. it's important to realise that the intensity of these emotions is temporary and doesn't inherently define your future. i know that doesn't ring true right now but it is not impossible that it will eventually. while it might sound trite, reaching out to someone—a friend, your gp or a hotline—can offer the support you need not to suddenly and magically get better, but to safely collapse without harming yourself until you feel ready to stand up again. i'm not suggesting it as a simple or easy solution, but rather as a reminder that you don't have to face this alone. you still have options, even if it feels like you're trapped.

whether you need to cry, vent, distract yourself or just rest, it's all valid. take things moment by moment; that's all that's required of you right now. your presence is so so noticed and your safety is so important. If you feel like you're at risk, please prioritise getting to a secure location and reaching out to someone, even if it means overriding the current impulses of your own mind. you're not alone, and there are so many ways to begin confronting these feelings of suicidal ideation head-on without having to hurt yourself to do so - finding the root causes of why you feel this way, building a routine based off of healthier coping mechanisms, verbalising what's going on in your brain - it all helps. your brain is going to register it as bullshit at first, and that's alright. it's not a cure, and i understand that it's tiring to have to keep trying when it's the last thing in the world you want to do. but it'll give you some space between the intensity of your thoughts and your emotions. with time, it'll make it so that you're able to live a full and manageable life alongside the depression. there's no timeline for it, and it's a lifelong project, which i know isn't ideal. i just think you deserve to give yourself some grace and some time. please, take care of yourself and at least consider rethinking what you're saying to me. i care about you and will be here if you need to talk or anything. please visit the resources below if you feel like you're at your wits end and don't know what else to do. even if they're of no help to you right now, maybe you could come back to them some time. sending a big hug. x

international suicide hotlines / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / creating a crisis plan / suicidal ideation coping skills / suicidal ideation coping skills 2