#sorry for the wall

[skellish]

Alright, so I don't usually do stuff like this, but today is a very special day to me: My 1 year mark of HRT! So I figured I would write a little and show my progress, to have a record for myself, but also because one of the most helpful things in my journey was seeing posts like these, showing me that things actually can change, and giving me hope for the future. So I wanted to maybe do that as well for anyone else struggling with their gender/identity like I was.

So, I wasn't the type that always knew who i was. I was a very awkward "boy", never quite felt right in my skin, but never considered that that wasn't normal. I spent my whole life shifting into and out of different identities and presentations, always doubting myself about who i wanted to be and who I was supposed to be. But about a year ago today (October ish 2022) my "egg" finally busted open. It was honestly pretty painful, having my whole life be flipped all around in somewhat of an instant, but also so relieving. I finally found the issue! I could fix my problem! That didn't stop me from still doubting myself, panicking about my future, wrangling internalized transphobia for the next few months, but something FINALLY actually felt right.

So, I went a little faster than most people should honestly. I immediately sought out some kind of gender clinic or what have you, to pursue hormone replacement therapy. (Ended up with planned parenthood to begin with. Wonderful people.) This is, of course, not necessary to be trans, but I reasoned in my head that this would be the easiest way to tell if I was wrong or not. I highly recommend you do not rush these things like I did, and that this was just my experience, but I digress. I figured If I was wrong, I would live with whatever consequences there were, but with the knowledge of who I am. If I was right however, then like. Hell yeah lol. It was scary for sure, and most of my loved ones thought I was rushing and not thinking clearly (fair points tbh) but I was right, and here I am!

This was me one year ago today

And this is me just a few days ago

I have gained weight, life is still very difficult, and it wasn't a miracle solution, but I can now at least say I know who I am. I'm beginning to like what I see in the mirror, be shaped in a way that is congruent with my soul, and be seen the way I want to be seen.

I don't know if these words will be seen by anyone, but if even just one person sees this and is helped like I was, then I've done my job here. See yall same time next year!

[championofravens]

No one in my life even really Knows i have diabetes because for the first 18 years of my life, diabetes was held over my head as an absolutely massive health failing that I would be inflicting upon myself if I didn't lose weight and shape up. Of course, this was incredibly unfair for my parents and doctors to put on me: I was a child with zero control over the food I was given, who had spent my whole life being pushed into health foods and gyms and crash diets with zero progress being made on my weight during any of it. My parents also regularly let me stop taking medications by not monitoring my intake and not refilling them when I ran out, taking my lack of protest as 'well it's my dumb kids decision to not have life saving medication I guess!' My PCOS diagnosis was completely brushed aside as a 'fertility and hormonal issue' and it wouldn't be until I was 21 that I had a doctor actually explain PCOS and it's insulin resistance properties to me.

So it really was no surprise when I finally decided to get testing done and learned I was critically diabetic. I freaked out the whole office, they called me back in 24 hours later to make sure I had feeling in my toes still. I was sobbing, thinking I was going to die. Blessedly, somehow, I was and still am physically completely fine aside from some higher than average blood pressure which runs in my genes. Since then, it's been a nonstop war to get my blood sugar within a pre-diabetic range again. My insulin resistance combined with the PCOS and years of mismanagement means my body is in constant panic mode, trying to get 'enough' carbs, blasting me with cravings and hunger nonstop. Did I mention the eating disorder that developed at around 17? It's a nonstop barrage of Bad in my brain here.

And anyways, all of this has made me really terrified and resistant to calling myself a diabetic. In my head, those words mean I am a fat disgusting failure who brought this on myself- despite never once turning that sentiment outwards. I spend my days thinking so much about food and hunger and it reinforces that tenfold, like I'm some glutton. But it's not really me, is it? I don't know.

[trek-tracks]

She just sat contented in the comfy chair as I built this up around her

I call this installation “The Cat of Amontillado.”

[amequeer]

I just have a thing for "robot overcoming what they were made for" trope I guess

[skrs-cats]

post oots - bramblestar's storm

[milkywayes]

another one floats to the surface (yeah)

[wispscribbles]

I love your ghost design. I wanna squeeze him :⁠^⁠)

If no hug then why hug-shaped???

[egophiliac]

Ernesto Foulworth and Gino… it wouldn’t surprise me if they had fake identities

I accept this explanation

(the problem is that I had a very regionally-specific immediate thought and I could not get it out of my head)

(sorry this is messier than usual, I refuse to put more effort into it than it deserves)

[readypanda]

Being a fan of stories that revolve around robots or AI in the 21st century is so weird now. Like how do I tell people I'm the biggest fictional robot appreciator and the biggest real life robot hater

[lotus-pear]

top 10 moments before disaster (dazai is about to step on his toes)

[aingeal98]

Ultimately the resolution of Jason and Cass fights comes down to the fact that while he has his own ideals that don't mesh with the bats, Jason can be flexible. DC skipped the whole reconciliation with the family but while he's willing to kill it's generally a means to an end to him, not the whole entire point unless you're talking about Joker. Meanwhile for Cass the question of killing vs not killing is dead serious to her which means any time they're working together and things start going off track it's like:

Jason: Look if we kill this guy we send a message to his boss which makes it easier for us to negotiate with him from a position of power and I just think that-

Cass, snatching one of his guns and pointing it at her own head: Go on, pull the trigger. Kill him. Kill me. Go tell Batman that you let his daughter die to make a negotiation easier. He already let you die so no problem right? You think we should die? You think our life only worthwhile as part of a plan, just because we're killers? Are we doomed? Are we rotten to the core with no hope of redemption? Go on then, kill us and kill part of your soul alongside it. You clearly don't care for it so why are you even trying? Kill yourself along with us, come on Jason let's all just die right?

Jason, slowly backing away: I think you may be projecting a tiny bit so just. Calm down before I call the suicide hotline please.

Cass, slowly lowering the gun and knocking the random henchman unconscious: Yeah that's what I thought, fucking pussy.

Jason: Mm yeah you know what I hate you actually. Fuck this mission I'll just shoot you right now if you're going to be this annoying about it.

Jason, explaining things later to Dick: So I just kept shooting at her until I ran out of bullets and we both calmed down enough to call a truce. We tracked the guy down and didn't kill anyone but I did blow up the batplane just as a last minute screw you. Is she always this uh... intense?

Dick: Yeah, one time I broke up with Barbara and she threw me out a window. She's just like that.

[zannolin]

the pevensies discovering the treasure room in the ruins of cair paravel must have been like stepping into their own tomb. here is the ruin of what you were. here is the remnant. here is where they took what you left them with and laid it to rest. here is your funeral shroud, daughter of eve. the skirt is too long for you now. here is the cordial, half-full. they dared not use it to save anyone without your hand to do the saving. here is your bow, still strung, and your arrows, unshot. here is the sword your hand still remembers, and here is the face you have forgotten. you did not die here, and yet still you were buried. what is a legend but another kind of ghost?

[slimmestslime]

I didnt even know that vrchat can be used with just a pc. I am gonna check it out.

Anything I should know or something you would recommend?

gonna be real i thought vrchat was vr exclusive aswell until one of my friends laid a bombshell on me that it was indeed desktop compatible so. :fistbump:

heres some general advice/tips tho (under the cut)

1: the absolute second you're able to exit the tutorial world, go to Prismic's Avatar Search. ignore everything goddamn else infront of you and go there. grab yourself a good collection of avatars you know you'll use. genuinely nothing sucks more than walking into a world and feeling awkward about what your avatar is and having nothing else to change into

also i highly recommend going into a friends/invite only instance because not only will it negate social anxiety, but you wont have That One Guy blasting music or sitting next to the world's loudest industrial fan while you're surfing through the avatar catalogue

+ fair warning though, there is no filter against suggestive/triggering stuff so you'll just have to wade with caution. though its usually easy to tell if its Suspicious or not

2: you see that little icon in the esc menu? the one that says "change shield level"? i personally toggled mine completely off, and the standard setting is fine imo. no issues there, but if you wanna experiment and see true chaos, turn that off !!! also, if you're getting lagged to Shit by someone's avatar and/or uncomfortable due to them, you can hide their avatar via either selecting them in the launchpad, or finding them in the in-room list and doing it that way OR just. walking up to them (you will see the loading tip for hiding people's avatars probably a million times, but it is useful)

3: if you view the details on an avatar, you might see a little colored circle and then something like "good" or "poor" next to it. thats the performance indicator, and its this weird thing that vaguely gauges how laggy an avatar is / if they're viewable by default on quest i believe poor/very poor are hidden by default on quest, but i cant confirm that since >guess who doesnt have one

here's a shoddy infographic on the indicators anyway

as for stuff i recommend, the first three worlds i visited in public were pretty good for looking at a sample of the community. i think - Freddy's Custom Pizzaria (I HAD TO OKAY) by Fraca - VR Chess by NoLife1942 - 1's Optimized Box by 1 (also The Black Cat by spookyghostboo is good, but go there once you're comfortable. i can say the same for the optimized box but here especially)

thats about it/all i can say rn. most of my experience is really just two days of playtime and watching videos from the jameskii era. but this really is just roblox but less Cancer so i can safely guess-timate on some things here

[sunnylemonss]

it should be illegal for netflix to print their little "now a netflix series!" circles DIRECTLY on the cover of books that inspired shows they've cancelled

[thebibliosphere]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

[go-star-sailor]

transfem wirt truthers wya