#sorry for going off but im just so fucking tired of feeling like shit
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Its once again 11 pm and I once again have not eaten dinner yet because being depressed makes me dysfunctional especially when it comes to food
I'm going to be so glad to be with my mom on Saturday, I always eat well at my mom's
But when I'm alone and going through a depressive episode my diet is shit, i eat very little and very delayed and making a proper meal feels like too much work so i dont have a well rounded diet like I usually do and dear god why must my depression be like this
Why must it deprive me of food
Food is so important
It's not that I hate food, it's not that I'm afraid to get fat or anything (and getting fat wouldn't be bad in any way either) but I just do not care. I do not feel like eating anything and everything feels as too much work to prepare. I do not crave anything and thus do not know what to eat and resolve it by not eating at all
It sucks so hard guys, my stomach freaking hurts and is begging me to eat food but I don't want to get up and even if I did get up I wouldn't know what the fuck I want to eat
My depression has been going on for like almost a month at this point I'm so fucking sick of it, let me fucking go back to being a somewhat functional human who's able to enjoy things instead of being apathy incarnate who desires to lie in bed all day
#lena whines#vent#and like even if i gave easily prepared ready made food#that only needs to be popped in the microwave??#it still feels like too much effort to eat#because fuck me i guess#i know this will pass eventually and that ill be fine in the end#but holy fuck it sucks so bad rn#and i dont even fucking know whats wrong with me or what my body/brain wants from me#and the process of getting a new therapy place is also stressful as fuck#and convoluted#and i keep feeling like im not being taken serious outside of my close help people#doctors keep thinking that it will sort itself with surface level support#and like no my brain is clearly fucked up as this is a reoccuring issue and i have unresolved trauma#i just dont fucking know what help i need precisely because my brain likes to hide my problems from my conscious mind#i fucking hate it here (here being my brain)#sorry for going off but im just so fucking tired of feeling like shit#and feeling powerless to do anything about it#because there are no bad conscious thoughts#just the shitty apathy and heavy sadness and exhaustion#i want to resume my freaking life
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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do u think either charles or erik had trouble coming to terms with their love for one another?? like religious guilt, internalized homophobia, etc.
Many such cases really … not hard to imagine them dealin with that …
#snap chats#erik might depend tho. depends on when he realizes hes in love with charles#before going Full Magneto i can imagine SOME internalized guilt but post prob not#under the whole ‘why be ashamed of what i am in ANY regard’ and all that#charles def probably has a worse time dealing with feelings of guilt#tho thats just charles in general being in love with someone i fear fjOWDJAKS#i cant imagine gender has anything to do with it tho. just charles Being Charles#hang on im sitting here thinking about it now#i think charles and erik wouldnt DOUBT the love they have for each other just- again depending on what era of erik this is- may be hesitant#magneto erik reads more as Bitterly in love with charles do you know what i mean#like ‘i love you and its painful i love you because of how incompatible we are now’ type shit#charles got that tired divorced-but-still-in-love dad energy about him towards magneto#fuck i was supposed to talk about their First Feelings Of Love im so off topic djOAZJSJ#my brain refuses to think of them younger than their thirties im so sorry let me try again#yeah no i could see them both accept the fact they have feelinfs about each other but for one reason or another not act on it#esp if they were with gab at the time. Oops. its kinda awkward now#in THAT RESPECT THEN i can see charles feeling conflicted and a little guilty#ditto on eriks part if he acknowledges charles’ feelings for gab#but without gab in the picture? i could see charles making a move and not being so ashamed of himself#maybe. after some time together i do see charles making the first move#would erik reciprocate and admit his feelings in that moment ? maybe not. give him like. a day or two tho diOEDJSJ#i typed all that bullshit for nothing sorry i put the answer at rhe very bottom we know how i am at this point#see now i just imagine charles talking to erik about accepting his queerness and erik getting snooty#like No Erik Im Not Saying This So You’ll Date Me I’m Saying This So You Love Yourself or something to that tune#and charles is truthful in that hes all about helping others accept themselves. and thats exactly why erik falls harder in love with him 😔#and then they make out sloppy style the end
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#vent#sorry god not to use this as a space for that since i almost never do but i am. so frustrated.#so context is that over this year i have lost. like. A Concerning Amount Of Weight. without changing anything about my lifestyle.#hell if anything i’m doing worse on that front because i have no fucking energy now. i am constantly exhausted and dizzy. i can’t eat as#well as i used to and i can’t exercise. i do not feel good!!!#but i can’t say a goddamn thing to my family because the minute they hear ‘lost weight’ it’s like their brains turn off and they don’t hear#the rest of what’s going on. it’s purely positive for them.#EVEN IF I DID NOT FEEL LIKE SHIT. AND I VERY MUCH DO. I STILL WOULD NOT LIKE MY BODY SUDDENLY CHANGING ON ME LIKE THAT.#i liked how i looked and i liked how i felt.#i felt so much fucking stronger and more alert like 30 pounds ago. now im always tired and none of my clothes fit and im cold because all my#fucking padding got taken away from me!!!! i needed that!!!!!!!!#im just hoping Something shows up in my bloodwork this month to clue me in to what’s going on because this can’t continue. i hate this.
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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off
#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an#actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall#flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government#i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just#fucking let me burn#anyways#sorry#free palestine#any other#jumblr#girlies (gn) relating to my vent#bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people#and its such a fucking shitty feeling#like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center#like just say you hate jews and fuck off#i cant look at this shit anymore fuck#idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down#im so fucking tired#and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this#and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only#and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race#like there arent jews of every race#the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder#were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly#like fuck i just#dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target#idk what to do I'm just#desolate
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If I had to describe the mood, it really is like when you grow up with an abusive parent; and there are bad days where you're just willing for them to go to work and be gone all day so you don't have to hear them yelling and slamming shit
#That plus mixed with like#Slightly more adult feelings of unspoken resentment bubbling under the surface#And complicated webs of need#Like I need a place to live - so as not to be homeless#You need - idk question mark? To feel heard and valued#Okay but like talking down to the adults in the house and plus the eighteen year old#Talking to everyone in an insulting babying voice#Because youre JUST TRYING TO BE CLEAR#It sucks man#Its been all weekend and yeah I was just like please go to work please go to work#And like I love my sister and my nieces but this environment is nothing but passive and active harm#And micro- to macro-aggression masquerading as control#And like when is the breaking point?#You really like.#Lose a LOT of your goodwill and empathy even for someone you love#When they react the same harmful ways that#Even the youngest child has pointed out is harmful! is negative! makes them feel bad!#But they just keep acting and lashing out bc they arent being heard#Bc SHES tired SHE didnt sleep SHES anxious she#You know?#Like to make your reactions to stimulus everyone in the houses triggers is#And to not try to find outlets to help make things better for everyone#Rather to say every time IM SUCH A BITCH IM SOOO SORRY. I SHOULD JUST. STOP. TALKING#Fuck man#I need my own space#(I need to drive off a bridge)#I just need to find a space away from all of this drama in this house man#Sorry this is a lot but i wouldnt be able to express this much feeling to anyone#Nor do I feel like I have a right to inflict my stupid bullshit life problems and whiny emo shit on anyone#Long tags are long
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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i have a headache :(
#i wanna go on a walk but my anxiety is through the roof and my head fucking hurts and i just want to sleep#im so fucking tired#i really want to go out but my fucking head hurts#my fucking head hurts and im so pissed off at everything rn#i need alone timeeeeeeee#i really need alone time#and some quiet#and a shot of tequila tbh#anyways#im gonna try and not lose my fucking mind while i lay in my bed and try and ignore the sound of the electricity#im so fucking done with everything tbh#everything is falling apart atound meeeeeeee#i just fucking hate my body ngl#like to the point where i feel like people would like me more if i was a pile of gore on the ground#idfk#im sorry#im a fucking mess rn...i just want to turn back time or fucking sleep until everything is ok#i would like to be put in a fucking coma please#yk just wake me up after this hell is ove#wake me up when im ok again...wake me up when the world finally gets its shit together so i can get my shit together#i wish life was nicer to me...#im prolly just gonna take a nap and then go on a walk...or ill just rot away in my bed all day...#idfk i just wanna go home...but i am home...i know when i want to go home i usually am longing for comfort and shit you associate with home#but like i just want to go home...home to my brother home to my loving family home to my dogs#yk? like i am home right now but i want the feeling of home back...the feeling of love in a place that is just our own...this place seems...#idfk...almost feels empty...like im in an abandoned house and watching all the memories in this place replay over and over...#i feel like im laying in the rubble of everything...#idfk...im just sad for some reason and i dont fucking know why...#it feels like im a ghost in someones memories of this house...
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im so fucking goddamn pissed i could punch a wall or stab myself
#— rambles with cadie#holy fucking shit the one time i get to have a small window of time to go get something ive been waiting to get for fucking months#and then its just expected and demanded of me to go run other people’s errands ??? just fuck off go do it yourself#but no i feel bad pointing out the fact i only had a few hours to go get something **i** wanted so i shut up and got their shit#AND THEN ? they got pissed AT ME bcus “why didnt you say anything? why are you like this?” bcus you bitch you fight with me#whenever i want to go get myself something for once in a goddamn blue moon. im not going to argue with you anymore its tiring#yeah sorry im just really pissed and want to scream n’ shit ill log off ig dash is dead anyways#tw rant
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man.
#i had this whole post ive been trying to formulate for so so long. abt my issues w ceewilbur and ccwilburisms and#to clarify i do like cwilb he is one of my faves. ik it may seem i wanna bite his arm off smtimes and i Do but#its mostly bitterness directed to the stuff Around him if that makes sense. yk the response to lots abt him#the way the overcompensation abt how he can be villanized swinging into a state where he Cant and never Did and wrong and if you critique#or acknowledge it you get snipped at and demeaned and treated like its a targeted hit on the mentally ill when its like#a mild disagreement with one of the most popular characters in the fanbase Easily#and w cc wil i do think he is just sm guy. im sure he's a nice dude idrc abt the ccs usually but he seems alright enough even tho he has v#goofy ahh takes and opinions but that doesnt make you Evil#but when i dive into what really has made me feel so alienated and snippy its. llmao its the racism yeah lol its super very much the racism#its very very prevelent and very common and very unchallenged. and it like. upsets me so bad its why i keep bailing on making my actual#full detailed post abt it. cuz everytime i try to formulate my thoughts i just get upset and frustrated i wanna rip my hair out#its hard not to feel like im talking to a wall when its so common and unchecked and. ive seen rightful critiques of these spaces and how#ppl interact with them Openly Mocked and brushed aside and treated like 'petty sensative internet drama' that ppl need to 'just get over'#sorry man im a fucking 🇲🇽 i cant exactly log off and Stop Experiencing Racism. and sorry that me feeling alienated and tired and sad abt#it is an inconvenience for you llol#and like idk. im not upset w anyone in particular this isnt a call out post or vague who give a shit and.#eh maybe im stupid but i really really believe a lot of ppl arent doing it on purpose#its just bein parroted ik i get it but#am i rlly not allowed to be tired? why should it feel like my responsibility to hold ppls hand and go hey mb treat poc and darker skinned#ppl like ppl. maybe you should examine why you need so many things made palatable to you through conventionally attractive whiteness first#idk. idk!!! am i crazy who fucking knows#but it has been weighing on me stupid style so bad#the shrinking fanbase and primarily yk common stragglers has just. rlly felt like a magnifying glass to my already existing issues abt it#idk man. idk im tired and im at work its 100°+ and my head hurts so this is all yr getting. lea me alone#and again this isnt a vague who Cares. just wanted to get it off my chest finally#huri.txt#discourse#<- ig
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Dream job rn is doing literally ANYTHING where I don't have to listen to, cater to, be responsible for, comfort, validate and help process anyone else's emotions ever again. I want to fucking put random papers in different piles of other random papers for like 6 hours straight and be paid a decent amount. ALL I ASK
#im sorry if i sound cold i just dont wanna fucking do it anymore im so so so sick of it#every day EVERY FUCKING DAY i have to listen to a rotation of the same people complaining about variations of the same problems#and i do care#but i dont think its in my nature anymore like it used to be- to do this job i mean#bc some days i feel like shit and im tired or havent eaten lunch (i dont even eat lunch anymore bc it isnt practical for my schedule)#and on those days i still have to be present and empathetic and a fucking therapist and friend and all that other actual practical shit#and i used to be able to turn myself off- like the real me and my emotions#but now all of it just makes me sick !!!!#i hate it i hate it i hate it#and i do care abt these people but the more i resent my job the more i resent them too and thats not fair#im just not the person i used to be#and aaah im sick of not feeling like a person every time i go in for work 😭#which i guess isnt that weird- like who is 'a person' at work#i think the problem is just that its such an intimate relationship in alot of ways#so the fact that im used as a friend and seen as a friend by so many#but can never actually act like or be a friend- its hurtful !#i just dont wanna fucking do it anymore god i wish i could explain it better 😞😞😞
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i am going to kms
#having a like 2 minute cry bc he raised his voice and i feel awful ajdkbdksbdksb#it wasnt even an angry yell thing it was just an ‘shut up . stop it’ type yell ???? and im using yell very loosely here#it wasnt a yell but like a Louder Voice than normal#i didnt mean to make him feel bad idk i feel like an absolute piece of shit !!! i should die probably#i just asked if he wanted to get off with me n idk maybe i took the playful ‘fuck you wtf :(‘ type thing too far#i shouldve known tbh he said he was tired lol i probably shouldnt of asked in the first place#its fine i dont think he hates me but like ‘im sorry im tired okay ???’ was like ajbskbdksb im sorry i didnt mean to !!!#like i know how being pressured into that sorta shit feels and i feel so bad i rlly didnt mean to make him upset#maybe it was me talking that was annoying#idk im just stressed from everything today has been so bad#on a stupid family holiday when all i want to do is just be at home and play games and sleep in a house that i know is safe#and hes working now so we cant talk very much and i missed him so maybe i was talking too much#i feel awful man i just want to applogise non stop but i literally Cant Talk and it hurts abdskbdks#to him this probably isnt a big deal but ….#to me its kinda ??? like ive messed up ?????? he hates me now ?????? i made him feel like shit and that i only want him for sex ???? hhh#whatever idk im so tired i just wanna go home honestly#i want to restart the last 30 mins n literally just shut up#if only i could cut rn#jamie.txt
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busiest week ever where i could have been Doing Shit and instead i am sat around waiting for my friend to finish hanging out w their bf so we can have time for the plans we made 2 weeks ago
#sorry for still going off abt this im just so#fucking tired#probably it's a meds thing that im So annoyed by this but ugh#i had my whole day planned#and now i have to go from one call straight to another#without eating anything beforehand#and dnd is going to take a Lot out of me bc it always does#and im just ???#i crammed my whole day into the morning to make time for my friend who clearly cannot do the same for me#im so fucking tired already and i feel like shit for wasting my whole afternoon#and im just. so fucking fed up#ollie has a life
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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