#because there are no bad conscious thoughts

[bitstitchbitch]

my family is lucky enough to own a 26 acre mountain property, log cabin and all. Most people would go up there and think that it is fairly pristine nature. There’s the cabin, and a few dirt roads for 4-wheelers, but the surrounding woods look untouched.

But we actually carefully maintain that nature. We cut down the deadfall. We pull invasive plants. We trim the elderberry bushes. We get more animals than almost anywhere else on the mountain because we put up salt licks and water troughs.

some of these same things are true of national parks. A lot of places that you think of as “untouched wilderness” are influenced heavily by human care and maintenance. And this isn’t a bad thing. We are animals too. In many ways, our ecosystems depend on us to keep them healthy. Many “wild” plants that are useful for food or building materials are actually semi-domesticated because indigenous groups cared for them and encouraged their growth so they do better with human care.

we have a place in nature. We just need to be conscious of our actions.

EDIT: since this post took off, I thought I should add some sources

Also a disclaimer that I am not indigenous or an ecologist. I am putting time and effort into learning, but I am not an expert.

[raylaismad]

HEADCANON TIME

Pearl, Grian, Jimmy and Martyn are siblings and they represent the four inevitables of life

Pearl represents Love. In every life series shes in and even just any series shes in she tends to gravitate towards and love people. Whether that is a good or bad thing depends. She's kind and friendly most of the time and she loves joking around with her friends but she gets on the defensive when they are threatened very easily. Even in double life, she went crazy all because Scott didn't love her, or even just care for her. She lived through and went crazy because of love.

Martyn represents the human nature, or even just the conscious nature, of Want. Whether this manifests through greed or through ambition depends as well. In third life he joined forces to create an empire-like system. He won last life because he killed his own teammate to win. He is constantly showing a force of want and desire for things and stops at nothing to get them.

Jimmy represents Chaos (now you may think that that would be Grian but hold your horses we will get to him shut up). He never stays in one server for very long, he is the representation of when all hell breaks loose on the life series, being the canary, and a lot of the things he does doesn't make sense. Chaos does not lie in the anger it brings or how unorganized it is, it lies in unpredictability. Honestly that's why Grian isn't the embodiment of chaos, because his insanity is predictable. That's just who he is. But Jimmy doesn't define himself. He doesn't stick to one pattern, one label, one idea, one group, etc for a very long time. He's always moving in a way you never quite get.

And finally, my boy Grian. The final inevitability of the universe. The ideas of Life and Death. I mean come on its pretty obvious. Grian is an inevitable force that never stops and is never moved. He is always, ALWAYS, in motion. He started the life series, which is also called the death games. He is technically a devine being. He is often associated with death. My favorite part about this though is how that connects to Jimmy. Jimmy, is the harbinger of death. Grian, IS death. So either the canary and the poison are working together to kill the coal miner, or Jimmy is actively pushing away the inevitable.

ANYWAYS THESE ARE JUST MY THOUGHTS BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE 🙏🙏

Tagging the corresponding fanblogs just because

@inthelittlewood-fanblog @pearl-fanblog @solidaritygaming-fanblog @grian-fanblog

[therandompagesblog]

SKZ Pack Chapter 9

Trigger Warnings: Rutting, orgasm, Jeongin is feral, cunnilingus, blood play, choking, salirophilia, bondage, asphyxiation, MDNI, odaxelagnia, safe word

Jeongin's pre-rut was getting worse and he was struggling to function the past three days. He was snapping at people left right and centre to the point he made Jisung cry. Everything in his body was hurting. His muscles ached with desire. His nose was burning. His fangs were itchy. He was having a rough time. The other wolves were trying to be supportive of his attitude, but their patience was running thin. Chan and Hyunjin were trying to teach him some mental exercises but Jeongin wasn't having any of it. The only thing which ceased his temper was Y/N not being in the room. Poor Y/N was the main problem. Her scent was volatile to his nose. He wanted to claim her. Pin her down on his bed so he could ruin her, but he promised himself he would claim her properly but his wolf was being temperamental. "Fuck sake!" Jeongin shouted as he slammed the table. His eyes flashing red with rage as he thumped his way to his bedroom.

Y/N watched him with worry. She desperately wanted to help the alpha. She wanted to take his pain away and let him use her. Y/N knew how painful going into a rut was for an alpha, especially when there was an omega nearby. "Chan, let me help him," Y/N whispered as she walked over to him. They already had a conversation about Jeongin's aggressive rutting. Although he wasn't as bad as Hyunjin nor Chan himself, the element of surprise was still there. Not only that Jeongin wanted to make their mating time special and he didn't want to ruin it by hurting her during a rut. "Baby, do you remember what we discussed?" Chan asked. "I know Chan. At least let me try, if he turns me away I will leave. I know Jeongin is worried about hurting me so at least that means he's conscious right?" Y/N stated. Chan reached down to grab Y/N's chin as he looked at her grey eyes which held so much trust in Jeongin. "He is for now." Chan paused as he thought about his words carefully. "It's when he loses it. I'm worried you'll hate the idea of sex when he gets hold of you. I don't want that ruined for you. Not now. Not ever." "Channie, it's fine. I've been with an alpha before, besides what if you go into a rut? What then?" Y/N asked, watching Chan close his eyes in frustration. "Let me try," Y/N begged. "Y/N." Chan warned. "If he turns me away I'll walk out. If it's too much I'll call for you." Y/N promised.

After careful thought, Chan allowed Y/N to go to Jeongin's room, as long as she promised to call any of the wolves if she wanted out. It wasn't to say Jeongin wouldn't understand if she wanted out, it is when an alpha blacks out. An alpha going through a rut can be quite aggressive as they feel this animalistic desire to bury their seed in almost anything if not everything. It was their way of marking. For an alpha with a soul-mated omega, it would be even more difficult because their animalistic desire would be to claim, mate, and then produce, over and over again until they were satisfied. An alpha's rut can go on anywhere between three to five days, but it all depends on how satisfied they are. Jeongin, however, had never rutted with anyone let alone an omega. He spent most of his alpha years doing it alone in the safe house and now that was going to change. Y/N was going to offer herself up to him. She wanted to, as long as he was willing, of course. If he wasn't she wouldn't be offended, but the offering was there. The thing was Jeongin wanted to. He desperately wanted to, but he wanted to mate her properly not in this situation and Jeongin knew himself what he was like. It was a difficult decision and one he would have to face alone as he heard her heavy footsteps coming towards the door. "Jeongin?!" Y/N called out. Her voice was barely a whisper. Her melodic voice caused Jeongin to close his eyes in desire. "Jeongin, let me help. Please." Y/N begged. "No. I've got this." Jeongin croaked out as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Y/N's heart shattered when she heard Jeongin's sniffles. He was crying. Her alpha was struggling and he was fighting every urge in his body. "Jeongin. Listen to me. I want to help regardless. I trust you. I trust you more than I trust myself. I want you only if you want me to help." Y/N pleaded as she touched his door. "You promise, you trust me." Jeongin wanted confirmation. "Yes. I want you. Jeongin I want you to use me until it makes you feel better." Y/N whispered. "Fuck." Jeongin growled. Y/N could hear the thumps coming from his room as he quickly tried to sort his nest out but it was already far too messy for him to fix. "Wait. Wait. Fuck sake." Jeongin swore as he tried to make his nest somewhat decent but he was getting too hot and needy. In the end, Jeongin gave up and opened the door pulling Y/N into his room desperately. His shaky legs and bloodshot eyes didn't go unnoticed by Y/N. She wanted him to hurry up so he could be alright, but she also didn't want to rush him. "Is this okay? Is my nest okay?" Jeongin asked.

As soon as Y/N confirmed she was completely fine and was satisfied, Jeongin grabbed her legs to wrap around his waist. Once he reached his bed he threw her down with a growl, quickly slotting in between his legs. His red eyes appeared as he lowered his head down onto her forehead looking at her. Y/N nodded, letting him know everything was alright. Jeongin kissed her lips harshly before ripping her t-shirt so he could reach her. Jeongin didn't hesitate and ripped her joggers off with a growl. "Fuck." Jeongin spat. His face pressed into her stomach as he thought indecent things. His mind went to the thought of breeding her and fucking his seed into her until her belly swelled. Jeongin rolled his eyes in pleasure as he fell down beside her. He was losing it a lot faster than she had expected. "Innie. Let me help you." Y/N pleaded. "Yeah. Touch me." Jeongin breathed out. His mind was starting to slip until he felt his mate's hot wet mouth on his cock. Jeongin's eyes swung open as he watched her take him. Jeongin growled and sat up, causing her to almost take him fully. Y/N tried to relax her throat so she could slightly swallow him, but the sensation caused Jeongin to grab her hair roughly so he could fuck her mouth. "Gonna fuck your pretty mouth, yeah?" Jeongin growled, his eyes getting more redder with each thrust.

Y/N moaned around him, while gripping his ass, trying to force him in deeper, but her reflexes were making it harder for her, especially when he came in her mouth. Y/N coughed, accidentally spitting his seed out and onto his waist. "Sorry." Y/N breathed out. "Don't be," Jeongin growled as he spread his cum all over her face, painting her. Y/N smiled up at him which caused him to thrust his hand around her throat. The sensation caused her slick to drop out of her. She needed him. She once had a kink of being used but it turned into hatred. She wondered if now she would get that back, knowing Jeongin loved her. "Want to be inside you. Can you take me?"  Jeongin growled, a slight smirking forming on his face as he snapped her panties off, causing Y/N to gasp. Jeongin slid down to spread her legs apart to look at her glistening pussy. Jeongin hummed in satisfaction before giving her one long lick. The pad of his tongue pressed into her as he swiped up her folds. His tongue stayed on her body as it glided up into her mouth. His kiss was erratic. Messy even, but she didn't care. She embraced it as she forced him closer. Jeongin nipped at her bottom lip, dragging her head forward so he could push her back. When her head hit the pillow, he pushed his cock into her causing her to gasp and grip onto him. He wasn't as thick but the pressure stressed her out. Jeongin snapped his hips forward, thrusting into her rapidly as his head fell onto her left shoulder. His grunts and pants caused Y/N to clench down on him. Jeongin's hand reached up to Y/N's jaw pushing her down as he was ready to release his seed into her. As he did, he bit down into her marking her.

Jeongin relaxed for a brief moment but it was only for mere seconds as his wolf started to take over. He was losing it and Y/N didn't care. Her drive was high and she wondered if he would wear her out or she would wear him out. "I want to play a game," Jeongin smirked as he slid down to kiss her breast, playfully biting it. "Chan was going to chain me up today. That wasn't very nice. I would have been all alone in that stupid safehouse." Jeongin growled, spitting on her other breast. "So. I'm going to tie you up instead. You can't touch me. You can't clench yourself around me." Jeongin growled. "If you want to stop, call Chan. Since he's a great safe word," Jeongin taunted. "Not going to call Chan," Y/N answered. She would play a wolf's game. She fell into his den. She would play. "Alright." Jeongin's wolf said excitedly as he brought over the metal chains to his bed. Jeongin slowly placed one around her ankle after he kissed it, then connected it to his bed before doing the same to the other. "Is my little wolf scared, now?" Jeongin taunted as he smelled her deep arousal, but a slight tarnish of fear erupted. "I wouldn't hurt you. Only for pleasure." Jeongin teased.

Once her hands were tied to the bedpost,  Jeongin sat cross-legged in between her legs as he watched his seed leak out of her hole, making him laugh sardonically. He forgot to wear a condom and now her pussy was filled with his cum. Jeongin lacked a sense of care at the moment. He was more interested in using her over and over again. Starting with brutalising her cunt. He heard from Seungmin that she liked the feeling of his fangs sliding and scratching her, so Jeongin did just that, but harder, until she bled a little. When she bled he would watch it drip before he licked it up. His mouth would fuck her cunt until she squirted straight into his mouth, arousing the wolf even more, to the point he forced his way into her cavern. Fucking her over and over again until his seed was fully secured. Jeongin was a dangerous knotter. He could knot and explode within two seconds of cumming. The wolf had even assaulted her mouth with his cock. Knotting in her wet little mouth. Jeongin was in ecstasy while he bedded himself within her and marked her soul. She was truly his until his rut ended.

Taglist for the iconic readers:

@galaxy4489 @reallychaoticwoo @leezanetheofficial @mbioooo0000 @jisungs-iced-americano @maybeimmia @hwangrfrnd@wolfo2027 @kayleefriedchicken @leamueller920 @borahae-reads @jennibahng @cookiesandcreammy @jutdwae-flower @danceonmyheyday @jc003 @hpnsfwaddict @linocz @maggicotton @jellymochii @itzreetal987 @jennibahng @vampkittenb82 @catlove83 @thatgirlangelb @pixie0627 @hyunmikim @skzdreamer13 @liv1sworld @upsidedownchaire @jutdwae-flower @danceonmyheyday @tsunderelintz @notevenheretbh1 @catlove83 @h0rnyp0t @hash2013 @emi-han @iknow-uknow-leeknow @jigglypuff3000 @aalexyuuuhm @missseoulite @ihrtlix @estella-novella @xxeiraxx @fr34k4c1dr41n

[gingacat]

ok so.... i made a completely new character that is twisted from Glut the Shark

name: Iara Ketos

birthday: July 17 (Cancer)

age: 18

height: 195 cm

homeland: Coral Sea

grade: Junior

class: E

club: Soccer club

best subject: Flight

hobbies: Handicraft

pet peeves: People running from her

favorite food: Her mom's food

least favorite food: None

talent: Unintentionally slandering people

nicknames: Mademoiselle Requin (Rook) maybe I'll think of a better nickname later

Personality

Iara loves making new friends, she's sociable and friendly, and always gets excited to meet new people or talk to them, but tries her best to do so in a chill way.

As a kid, she used to be very hyper and extreme about everything, so when she tried to approach people, they always felt overwhelmed by all of her energy and avoided or ran from her. Not only they felt overwhelmed, but she's always been a person who's easy to misunderstand. If she's really happy, she talks very fast with a lot of energy and might seem like she's angry or aggressive.

This made Iara very self-conscious, so she's been trying to learn how to control herself and not be so hyper about everything, toning all of her energy down. She's been trying really hard to be chill, and it's kind of working, but she's not happy with that, after all, she's not been true to herself.

Iara doesn't measure her kindness, but she's also a people pleaser and the kind of person that goes with the flow. She tends to be very considerate of other people's feelings, which means that even if she disagrees with something, she might agree just because it'll make them happy.

This leads to funny situations because, while she always tries to be nice, there are sometimes when she either says something worded in a very bad way that ends up sounding like an insult, or her inner thoughts escape out loud and she proceeds to accidentally slander people when just one second ago she was praising them.

Despite that, Iara wants to love people and to be loved back, not in a romantic way, she just wants genuine, real friends, people she can count on, and who can count on her too.

Sadly enough, not only because of her appearance (she's hella tall, so people are intimidated) but also because she's toning down her personality so much, she still hasn't had much success in making friends. Also, NRC might not be the best place for that...

Background

Iara had a happy childhood inside of her home. Her family was composed of her mother, father, three younger siblings and two older siblings.

Iara was the middle child, which means that she could get jealous of not only her older siblings, but also the younger ones too. Still, it was fun growing up with them, everyone would sometimes fight, but would also take care of each other.

Of course Iara would expect everyone from outside of her home to be as nice as her siblings, but she quickly realized that she was wrong. In fact, people were scared of her. When she first went to school, not only the other children were scared of her, but the teachers were too.

She's a shark-mer after all. No matter how sweet sharks can be, their reputation of being murderous and aggressive monsters will always speak louder.

Still, she tried to make friends. The moment she opened her mouth to smile to another kid, the kid started to cry. (lmao poor Iara) Iara immediately closed her mouth, confused but also sad.

Still, Iara didn't give up. But if it wasn't her smile that would turn people off, it was her crazy amount of energy. She had so much energy that she couldn't stay still, so her behavior always annoyed all of her teachers. If she wasn't annoying them, she was annoying the other kids, because she was simply overwhelming to them and no one could keep up with her. If she talked, she would talk too much and just not stop, for example.

Her strength was also a bother to people. She was a walking disaster who would accidentally break everything she touched, simply because she didn't know how to control her strength. When she tried to play with other kids, she would always accidentally hurt them — and this was the last thing she ever wanted, but she did it so many times that everyone assumed she was doing it on purpose.

Over time, Iara grew up to be fond of handicraft. She just likes making handmade things, it's something that helps to pass the time and helps her improve her management of strength. She feels very proud of the little trinkets she makes.

In order to find inspiration to make new handmade things, Iara would always wander around the Sea to see if she could find the things that would fall from the mainland above. She is a curious person and always loved discovering new things.

One day, she found Prince Rielle, who was also looking for trinkets that are dropped from above. Of course Iara knew who he was, but still didn't care about his status and wanted to befriend him. After all, he looked really nice and they both seemed to share the same interest.

But she ended up getting too excited and Rielle just got scared of her and ran away. Iara didn't even think anything about it, she was like "well he's a Prince, of course he doesn't want to mix with people from lower classes". But then she got sad lmao.

Still, Iara never gave up on trying to improve herself and stay positive, working hard on her flaws to be someone better.

Unique Magic

Pierce your Heart

Iara, with much ease, can break anything, literally anything, being it hard like metal or soft like a marshmallow, even diamonds, with her teeth, and without hurting herself. If she bites a person while casting this spell, well it won't be pretty...

Some other info

Iara loves soccer. The moment she got legs and feet she was like "I CAN KICK STUFF????" and got super excited. SHE LOVES RUNNING AND LOVES KICKING STUFF!!!

She quickly became very good at soccer and, surprisingly enough, a lot of people joined the club after they saw how great she was, because she inspired them (and also incited everyone's competitive spirit).

Are these people her friends? No, they just want to compete against her. But she appreciates their presence.

Flight classes are also something that she loves. She finds it so dope to like... fly??? On a broom, but still fly. And she probably loves doing crazy tricks with the broom while flying (she probably fell in front of everyone a shitton of times, but she doesn't care).

While she definitely doesn't have the best scores out of all students from Octavinelle, Iara is carrying them when the subject is P.E.

The only thing she's scared of at school is receiving a ball on her face, since her nose is pretty sensitive.

Iara has a heightened sensitivity to smells, and sometimes some thoughts can escape out loud and she ends up saying things like "yeah, but you should brush your teeth ASAP" or "i can tell what you had for lunch, it doesn't smell pleasant" or even "your perfume is cheap" without even realizing. She feels so horrible after this, though.

People get really mad at her insults, but they don't really do anything about it because 1 - they're scared of her, and 2 - she's huge and could win from them in a fight.

Also, Iara can get mad and very angry, but she represses all of her anger, since she's aware she's scary enough for being a shark-mer, so she doesn't want to act aggressive. She often cries in her room when she feels emotionally overwhelmed, because she just... can't express her anger or any negative feelings/thoughts.

She's just a huge girl who's trying her best to not cause harm to anyone.

Iara LOVES her siblings and parents, and loves meeting them, since with her family she can always be herself. She can be aggressive, because they are aggressive too and don't mind it. She can be angry, sad, energetic, playful, shout however she wants and show all of her sides and she'll be loved by them — they are the same as her, after all.

Iara's voice claim: Wakana Shiki from Love Live (though Iara's voice sounds a lot more energetic when she is with her family).

Iara is bigender and doesn't mind being referred to as a guy or when others use he/him to refer to her. Most characters use male pronouns to refer to Iara (including the Octatrio, they refer to her as a "that guy") and some don't even know that she's biologically a girl. When she speaks tho, people get really confused because of her voice.

[pineappleciders]

i fear there is little way to describe my recent experience in the bathroom. or potentially, there are far too many ways to the point i cannot collect my thoughts. it started out as a simple pee. i went to the restroom quite happily, having been playing a game and believing it would be a quick, simple trip. but i was proven wrong, as i usually am. it turned out to be a poop as well. though it wasn't a bad one, it was rather small and easy to pass, and wasn't too bad of a wipe either. however, i was foolish and became distracted watching a video on my phone while wiping. this tragically led to me placing far too many pieces of toilet paper in the toilet bowl without flushing. i soon realized my mistake and, like a fool once more, decided to hope for the best and flush. however, it did not go down. it's fine, i thought. i'll wait and try again. so i did, and it did not go down. hm, this is unfortunate, i think. so i grab the plunger, blissfully unaware to the hellhole i had began falling into, believing this was just your average clog of the toilet. but it wasn't. i soon remembered a fool in my household, which i later learned was my mother, had made the conscious decision to swap the plungers in the bathrooms. this is a problem because, the one that was in my current restroom is a good plumber. the other one is not. and so, i found myself fruitlessly shmacking the hard, useless plunger into the bowl time and time again. but it was no good. i was so determined, so full of hope that it would work as i had made it work before. but this clog was different. i began to grow more desperate as my arm was quickly becoming exhausted from the strain, and i switched to 2 arms, yet there was still no luck. at this point, i had begun sweating, the reality dawning on me that this would not go the way i had hoped. i remembered a trick i learned, about putting soap and hot water into the back of the toilet seat, which helps break the clog up. so i looked around for a cup, an item usually kept in the bathroom, to scoop water from the sink to the toilet. but there was no cup. i put a few squirts of soap in the bowl and waited, but with each flush the water grew higher and higher, reflecting my nerves. but a spark of something like hope flickers in me as i spot the sink drain stick made for unclogging sinks. it's a bit gross, but i'm running out of options, so i go for it. i feel as though it's working quite well, as i can see toilet paper being ripped, but with flush and flush again, it only worsens. i have been in the restroom for far too long now, mostly waiting for water to slowly go down, and at this point i'm sure the energy drink i left on my desk has gone lukewarm. i start to full on panic now, honestly on the verge of tears. i am tired from lack of sleep, very hungry, my back is in extreme pain, and i feel disgusting as a few bits of toilet water have splashed on me. i consider asking for help from my dad, however the thought of walking downstairs with shit stuck in between my asscheeks is extremely unappealing, so i carry on. i turn on the tub and start scooping hot water into the back of the toilet. it burns my hands, and i am now getting water everywhere, but i cannot stop as i begin feeling like a wild animal. i try and try and try but all of my efforts are wasted. and i fear i knew all along what i had to do, i was simply pushing it away out of pure fear. but i suck it up and wrap a towel around my waist and leave the bathroom, still not having wiped fully, and lumber to the other bathroom to grab the good plunger. and lo and behold, with only a few pumps the water is quickly sucked down. and i would have felt immense joy, if it weren't for my extreme annoyance with myself that i did not do it sooner. i am extremely traumatized and i don't think i'll be able to look at my toilet the same way for at least a few months. my dear friends and followers, i urge you to invest in a good plunger. one for every bathroom you have. a new, soft, flaccid plunger. it will betray you less than any man.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok and now some thoughts about my early experience of parenting.

it kinda rocks... i really like it. i will definitely have a second kid if finances and biology work out. my life is so much better with this little guy in it. the sacrifices so far are mostly minor and are much more logistical than personal. i have to work more hours than i'd ideally want to because there's only one paycheck. i have to try to cobble together more sleep than i used to because i am pretty tired at the end of the day. i can't go to the gym or run an errand or go write at a coffeeshop for a few hours without hiring a sitter or asking my friends to help out. but the tradeoff is i get to be this little kid's mom. he thinks i'm pretty funny and he's interested in everything i do and he calls to me to get me to come over to his mat and talk to him and he likes to grab my face and hold it still so he can study it real intently and when he's upset he wants me to snuggle him until he feels better. i would pick that over getting to run into a store without the stroller a million times over.

i remember reading this book years ago where someone (paulo freire? someone influenced by freire's pedagogy?) recommended that all teachers, no matter how long they'd been teaching, carve out time every six months to reflect on their teaching practices and consider whether those practices were aligned with their core/guiding values as educators. i obviously love this idea because i was born to engage in sustained reflective journaling about my values lol. but also: i do think there's value in setting aside time at regular intervals to check in with yourself about the way you are living, or about whatever you are practicing, whether it's teaching or your work with others or, in this case, parenting. so idk i might try using his birthday and half birthday as time to journal both about my kid and about my own practice of parenting.

do i have a practice of parenting?? that sounds too fancy for someone who is only six months in lol. but i do enjoy thinking about what i'm doing and i like trying to connect the day-to-day choices i'm making to larger principles. i have written about this before but idk i think i am somebody who derives a strong sense of security and groundedness from having a loose framework of guiding values i can refer to when making decisions. and i guess in this first round of reflective journaling i will try to articulate what some of those emerging values/principles are. here we go:

I am making a conscious effort to not sweat the small stuff. there are one million things you can be worried or stressed about in parenting. and there are one million ways you can fall into the trap of thinking that if you just control every single variable nothing bad will happen to your kid. i am trying, inasmuch as i can, to avoid at least a few ways of falling into that trap. i have worked really hard to choose flexibility instead of rigidity when it comes to, for instance, letting other people care for my kid. it's okay if people do things differently than i would - as long as he's safe, he can only benefit from being exposed to different caretaking styles and adapting to different people's ways of engaging with him. i also made a decision early on to not engage with any parenting content on social media (this means ignoring the dozens of insta reels my mom sends me every week lol) and that has been really healthy/good for me. there is TOO MUCH information out there. it is way too overwhelming. you could spend your whole life worrying and i want to spend my life doing other things, like funny accents and comedy bits for the baby.

i am working hard to not interpret other people's parenting choices as a judgment of my own. i really believe that there are lots of different ways to raise healthy, well-adjusted kids. we can make different choices (small and big choices!) and still arrive at the same outcomes. i just really don't want to be the kind of person who takes it personally when people do something differently than i would've! i want to be secure enough in my choices to be able to accept and appreciate a whole range of other parenting styles. i also want to be humble enough to realize that i don't have it all figured out and might learn something from reflecting on someone else's parenting choices. anyway this has been a challenging one as i sometimes DO feel quite judged or shamed by other people's choices. but i also think it's ok to feel that reaction as long as i can keep making space for myself to take a deep breath and think through why i feel like that. idk! work in progress but i've only had six months of practice lol.

i am also trying not to interpret other people's anxieties as anything other than them working through their own stuff. to give one example: i love my mom so much but she is just, like, vibrating out of her skin with anxiety at all times about literally everything. and she has really found an outlet for that anxiety in grandparenting. i get dozens of texts a week about what exercises i should be doing with him and what experiences i should be making sure he has and where i should be taking him and what i should be saying to him and what i should be asking the doctor about and so on and so forth. this obviously could be pretty stressful, and i know that my brother and SIL find it so stressful that it is kind of negatively impacting their relationship with her. but idk i feel like with my mom i spent a lot of my life taking her anxieties personally, thinking that she thought i was incompetent/incapable/irresponsible/whatever. and then at some point in the last few years i was just like oh... this isn't about me at all, is it? this has absolutely nothing to do with me. this is just her fear and her terror of doing things wrong and her overwhelming need to avoid shame, and all of that emotional stuff just happens to be playing out in this relationship because we are close enough that she can lets her emotional walls down and let me see the churning river of anxiety that runs through the heart of her life. i wish that she didn't feel like that. but it's also not something i can fix or change. the only thing that is within my control is the choice not to take it personally, which in turn helps me put some guardrails around it so that it doesn't impact our relationship. idk i think this will probably be an ongoing thing i have to sort through for myself. but also she is who she is and i love her and it is important to me that she be a big part of owen's life. so we will figure it out.

I refuse to optimize my parenting because i refuse to see my child as a thing that needs to be optimized. this is in some ways hard for me because in many respects i am all-in on the very american philosophy that everything can be improved endlessly, including yourself and your family, if you just work harder and care more and give endlessly of yourself to the work. but nope! nope. not for parenting. not for my kid. i want him to have experiences and be exposed to new things, but not so he can "get ahead" or excel in things. i want him to be curious, engaged, interested, flexible, alive to the world, open to new things. i do not care if he is bilingual by age four or has a STEM curriculum at his daycare or goes to a top college or whatever. and i want the choices i make about what we do together and how we spend our time to reflect that. idk he's still so little that this is not super relevant yet but i can feel some of it creeping in.

lastly: i am trying to approach all aspects of parenting with the fundamental belief that i am and will be a good parent. i feel like our culture wants women in particular to spend all their time feeling guilty and inadequate as mothers. we also don't get a lot of external feedback on whether or not we're doing a good job as parents, which i think can make us frantic for validation and riddled with self-doubt over whether we are doing Enough. but i want to just like, try to cut some of that out and just answer it for myself. i'm doing a great job. i'm a great mom. i love my kid and my kid loves me. as i learn more about my child and myself as a parent i will undoubtedly adjust my approach to parenting many times, but making adjustments doesn't mean i was doing something "wrong" or "bad" before. it just means i want to try something new or shift gears a little bit. idk maybe this sounds dumb but i actually think it is proving kind of powerful so far as a strategy for managing parenting anxiety. i just assume that my parenting instincts are reasonably good and will guide me to make reasonably good choices, and if something turns out not to work, i assume i am a good enough parent to figure it out and adapt accordingly.

ok!! good journaling session and now it's time for bed!!

[derpydoteddrake]

Viktor is under some kind of influence, but at first glance it's hard to tell the exact nature of it.

But I believe its more simple than one would think.

The core is basically jingling keys in front of him and telling him to look at them.

But I believe its more simple than one would think.

The core is basically jingling keys in front of him and telling him to look at them.

Firstly, why is the sky hallucination sus? could it just be his own mind?

Her guiding him to her book and later showing up next to the shimmer addict could be explained as just his conscious.

However, he also woke up to her screams and it was her voice that guided him to the addicts, both things go beyond what could manifest only from his own perception of things.

Not only that, this is the exact place where he later cocoons himself again. So it's no accident he ended up here.

It's also good to note how Viktors saw her differently then how she was, he sees him as a more idolised version of herself, which is als a good indication that she is not real.

But then in act 2 she appeals completely harmless, she doesn't push him into anything, and it looks like she offers some sense of emotional support.

And that's the point, it's feeding into viktors weaknesses as a person, all it needs to do, is give him the illusion of company, and keep him in his head.

Viktor was always a loner, but he also seeked out second opinions and he was in fact very lonely and wished for company.

This is exactly what the core is giving him the illusion of. A second opinion and company.

By herself “sky” does not offer any new information to viktor, she is either stathing things he is already aware of, things viktor thinks she would say, or reassures him.

“She liked me, she would be concerned about me!”

“I remember telling her that once!”

“She was caring, she would be upset at someone's death!”

In fact, it might even try to distract him from the important things, we don't see a lot of it, but the moment Viktor starts to wonder what's up with Jayce, she attempts to move his thoughts elsewhere from thinking about what is wrong with him.

Viktors perception of the world is fundamentally changed, this is already pretty isolating but now he has a mind buddy! He's Not alone anymore, there's someone who talks to him, who cares about him, who he can share ideas with,

someone who loves him.

I'm going to concede, I do think their relationship has a romantic undertone, if for nothing else it's because viktors perception of sky is pretty heavily defined by her love letters to him.

Regardless of your reading (how much do you think he reciprocates that), it is giving him the company he wished for.

Why is that bad?

It's because it keeps him docile, and so far up his own 4ss that he doesn't realise how messed up what he is actually doing is. He is stuck with his own regurgitated thoughts.

The only thing he ever gets is reassurance that what he is doing is in fact good, he doesn't have an outside perspective on what's happening with him or around him.

He doesn't have the head space to self reflect cuz something always chimes in, always keeps him thinking, solving problems, solving puzzles.

We never once saw him actively trying to talk to any of his followers, the only people who he does are not affected by him, and come to him directly, he didn't even bother seeking out Jayce himself.

The only way he communicates with them is when he wants to do his creepy puppet thing and if the only thing left in his followers head is gratitude towards him and he never examines what it did to them as people, no wonder he doesn't notice a thing.

He just unquestionably spreads the core's influence.

No wonder the first awful idea anyone gave him in who knows how long that isn't his own stuck with him.

He always had a tendency to get sucked into his work and dont bother with people (ironically that is one of the reasons sky got dusted) and don't bother with anything else, and now the conditions are orchestrated for this to basically keep him in his own head.

He doesn't really care about his followers either, he watched one of them get smashed and didn't give a damn.

He doesn't care for them as people, they are more akin to problems he can solve and move on. He was barely even bothered about Jayce's condition, probably assuming he will come to him and he can fix him right away.

We can see this in his visions of how he conceptualizes himself, he looks very human, and yet he got these unsettling yellow eyes. He is blind to the ways he changed, just look at how he acts in them.

At first glance he appears a lot more emotive and it also tells us that he is fairly enjoying himself and his new perception of the world but also the main thing we see of him is his endless curiosity about things, not his empathy towards them.

He is well meaning of course, but he doesn't/cant reflect enough to see what he is really doing. Namely taking away the things he saw in these people, their dreams.

And he constantly has problems to solve, we saw how many people went to him, he always has something to think about, and he always has someone to talk to about it without needing to waste precious time on seeking out a second opinion.

In s1 he barely reacted to the beginning of a civil war going around him, now people depend on him and in the middle of a civil war he doesn't have any way of protecting these people.

He barely gives a damn about him slowly deteriorating. He doesn't live in reality anymore. He cannot see the forest for the trees. (though he might have had some plans we don't know of, since Salo was gathering materials for him.)

And his guilt just amplifies this.

From s1 one of his strongest traits was how much he believed if he gets the right tools, and the opportunity, he can help people.

“Do you think my life ambition is to be an assistant?”

“If you are going to change the world don't ask for permission.”

“All I did was believe in myself.”

This is what skys death puts into question.

This is why he almost jumped afterwards, this fundamental belief in himself was put into question. He got the chance to do what he wanted and someone died.

This is where his guilt comes into play, he isn't making his own dream a reality, we saw that what he really wanted is to give people tools that they can use to create, but that's not what he is doing.

He is doing what he believes Skye's dream was.

It doesn't even look like he invents things anymore, he just mostly uses his powers and studies botanics. (tho we saw Salo steal some stuff for him so he might have some plans that we don't know yet?)

This is even the context he brought her up to jayce: she had such dreams.

From her notes we can assume she hoped to help make a zaun that is cleaner and more connected to nature.

This is the reason why he is so receptive to skyes positive affirmation, its because in his head he is correcting his wrong, her affirmation and forgiveness gave him back the belief that he can still do good.

Now he has the right tools and the opportunity to do it, so he won't fail again.

He is literally wearing her symbol on his clothes.

He is doing this out of some kind of repentance for his sins.

So the way he sees it: he is helping these people, who on they own free will just happen to stay here cuz its nice and he conveniently can puppet them if needed, he doesn't question that cuz he never bothers to talk to them and skys happy and she talks to him so why bother when no one sees the world like he does.

What he doesn't realise is that he is pretty much meant to die there.

There's a reason why his palace was builded here, he literally got told to build it there. It was there so he could die and cocoon himself again.

When he first saw jayce and encountered the singularity, he was literally describing himself.

“self annihilating and replicating” That's him, this entity is connected to him, he is meant to die and be reborn over and over again. He might not completely embody it yet, but he is a product of it. (and he will probably gonna try to harness it, that's what the beginning of ep 6 set up.)

I don't think he expected jayce to shoot him, when he saw what he was going to do he looked pretty shocked, but he was intentionally kept docile by the core basically guaranteeing that even actually he will die out.

And then he had the audacity to conclude it must have happened cuz people just suck.

He tried nothing to prevent this and he is already out of options.

To his defense he was probably really lost in the sauce at this point.

This is also why he was making his following, he was supposed to draw power from them after he dies so he can be reborn again.

This also means that singed and ambessa are probably interfering with this process.

It would explain why he looks so wrong in the poster.

In conclusion, the core keeps Viktor in a mind state where he is docile enough not to question what's happening around him using his already existing flaws against him in order to spread itself.

One last thing I would like to add is that I don't think this will be his final transformation, I believe the final one will either happen at the top of the hex gate or at the bottom of it.

[roxannepolice]

Just a meta vent for all the bad takes I've seen about the Master, and especially Saxon Master (and still trying to get my ass to work on my thesis, but! it looks like I'm getting another article published so yey, ranting about the raccoon works!!!)

So yeah, this is me, ranting about why I think the reintroduction of the Master into NuWho was absolutely brilliant in s3 and what hot takes I've seen about the way it's been done on da Internet. I'm putting this under a cut, because, weeell, comparing Masters and Doctors, and even companions(!) turns into a kind of beauty paegant that has little to do with how well the author's thought got translated into the final product, AND I GET IT! People have favourites! That's fine! Yes, there's a level at which I just think Tennant and Simm look cute together*! But for full disclosure, they weren't my fisrt thoschei - I watched ALL the stuff I could from classic Who online and decided they're married when Threegado had to actively stop each other from shaking hands in The Sea Devils. Which is why it hurts me all the more when mah twinks get framed as they betrayal of the dynamic.

*But let's be honest, the aesthetical aspect is very much part of the course. Jon Pertwee and Roger Delgado might not exactly look the same, but the outfits do ooze that same 70s two ends of the queer spectrum feel, and this carried over to Anthony Ainley's harem and Paul McGann and Eric Roberts. Picking two white twinks with different shades of brown hair and eyes and rectangular vs. round faces was a conscious choice, as was picking a witchy looking woman in a victorian outfit to match a wizardy looking man in old time-y outfit, both with striking blue yes, as was juxtaposing a light blonde white woman in light outfit with a brown dark haired man in a dark outfit (why. Chibs WHY not go with Whittaker's beautiful natural hair colour unless to underline just how much the reyesque champion of light your Doctor is and cause confusion as to how regeneration works). But anyway.

I think the primary issue I take with complaints about Simm's Master is the idea that he was somehow a hard break from classic who Masters. And yes, RTD definitely went a much more unhinged manic energy way than the more controlled Original and Tremas regenerations, he admits it himself (all of this is very much influenced by me watching DW confidential). And yes, that's absolutely the case! But that's the natural result of making the Doctor, both the Eccleston and Tennant faces, much more unhinged and manic than in the classic era. Whether you frame it watsonianly as the result of the Time War, or doylistly as the result of the way television changed as a medium with the development of home cinema systems and general social shift after the end of cold war (that's me, btw, hello, McLuhan's ghost keeps possessing me), it's up to you, but the point is, if you want to maintain the two sides of the same coin energy, you have to match your earlier choices. So, no, in my opinion this wasn't a hard break from classicWho Masters, but rather cutting through all the aesthetic overgrowth to the essense of the character. Digging down to the core of the character, so to speak. Yes, Saxon Master acts in a misogyinistc manner, which wasn't there before. But that's the natural result of involving the Doctor in explicitly romantic relationships! The flip side of explicit heterosexual attraction is the othering of the "opposite" for lack of the better word sex and when your focus is in domination YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHATEVER POWER IMBALANCES THE SOCIETY PROVIDES YOU WITH!! And that extends to your aesthetics going more in the direction of a noir unhinged gangster villain than a queer coded Bond villain (srsly those of you who don't get where Simm!Master's quirks come from NEED to watch White Heat with James Cagney). Like, srsly, 90% of complaints about the way the Master has changed from classic Who to Saxon is the way politics have changed from cold war "my empire is better than yours but end of the day we're going to be courteous so we don't blow each other up" to post-politics "vote for me, I'm sexy and can make you sexy too" framework of the latest fin de siecle.

But this kind of cuts down to what it the essence and what is incidental. Politeness of classic Who can be traced back to noblesse oblige that was in place in 70s and 80s. But end of of the day, it was just an epiphenomenon of the main axis of power: class. In the merry world of identity politics, it's going to be gender and race. It's all about power relations, though.

Which sort of, very abstractly, relates to the handling of mental illness in NuWho Masters. Now, the yell of "you're insane!" as a general "dude, you're not making any sense :/" has been there in classic Who alright, but this has definitely become more pronounced in NuWho, starting from Saxon possibly because the idea politics involve some element of savoir vivrve has become dismissed as political in its own right rather than giving basic directions in unknown situations but hushhhh. I think the general framing of the Master as "just" needing to "hear the music" (yeah, I hate this line, is it a metaphor Steven? if so, of what?) or generally reconciling with the Doctor, because that's "what the Master really wants is to be loved" is very much rooted in the sort of... Frommian psychoanalysis of society. I would actually argue Fromm is very much present in spirit throughout all of the more refelctive aspects of Doctor Who, the Doctor themself is very much a Frommian hero, classic and new alike, which is great! Seriously, so many of Fromm's reflections cut so deep to the core of many social issues, and I think Escape from freedom has become particularly up-to-date recently, unfortunately. And I think this relates to the general trend in moral philosphy to go from ethical judgement to psyhcological understanding, which is absolutely great as far as realy life is concerned! Yes, if you actually want to prevent violent crimes instead of just reestabslishing social sense of justice through punishment, understanding where the idea to hurt somebody comes from is the way to go! Except... I don't think it's the best way to go when it comes to fiction. Like, fiction is all about putting people in situations. The situation kind of comes before the personality, if you get my drift. There can be aesthetical choices depending on whether you've made your character more decisive or indecisive, but end of the day, you chose to put the character in a situation where they find out their father has been murdered. This, I think, is the bedrock distinction between character relatability and resonance. Can we all relate to Hamlet? Not neccessarily, perhaps you relate to Laertes more. But can we all put ourselves in the situation where we find out something horrible and are called to act upon it? Yes.

Have I drifted off? Maybe.

But my point is, I would say the way in which RTD handled Simm!Master's "insanity" has less to do with any psychological diagnosis that the vague "insanity" of Ophelia, King Lear or Goethe's Gretchen. It's not something that can be "healed", it's the fundamental shine on you crazy diamond mephistophelian elan vital that in real world psychological therapy is redirected in ways that are constructive both for the individual and their surroundings. But in fiction? It's not to be healed. It's the essential driving force, The jester, who’s most lightly weighted. Man’s energies all too soon seek the level, He quickly desires unbroken slumber, So I gave him you to join the number, To move, and work, and play the devil.

Go home, Roxanne, you're drunk, go cry to another fic of the psyche mourning eros.

[giddlygoat]

i love ur turbo/felix stuff !! what's an underrated part of their dynamic that you're passionate about? any sorts of scenarios youre fond of ?

oml. thank you for such a treat of an ask!!!!!!

aaaa, where do i start? i genuinely don’t know how to articulate most of my thoughts and headcanons so i’m just gonna go for it LAWL

firstly, i love that turbo is an immature bad boy while felix is this heart-of-gold angel. i’m a simple man, i like that juxtaposition and i like to consider how they would inspire each other to veer out of their respective comfort zones and change as people [for better or for worse]. and i especially love all of this because i think it’s pretty safe to assume they are both the other’s first delve into dating. they’re both stupid about relationships going into this, which i believe is a big part of the reason felix fell in love with turbo.

which reminds me: i don’t think turbo realized he was in love with felix. he latched onto the only sprite in the whole arcade who remained consistently tolerant of his ‘charming quirks’ and soaked up that attention like a sponge. while felix would sometimes chastise his rude behaviors, he seldom told turbo anything but what the racer wanted to hear. he was encouraging to turbo like that; thought he could foster good change with positive reinforcement [at the time, felix did not realize on all conscious levels that he was trying to fix turbo].

that reminds me. in the very beginning, turbo thought of felix as a naive innocent whom he could mess with for his own amusement. on a less cruel note, he also found himself enjoying genuine laughter around felix more than anyone else, and turbo’s perception of the handyman changed significantly once he saw the real value in their friendship. he realized that felix actually made for great company and was a lot brighter than he’d originally assumed.

that’s around the time they both started to get close. turbo discovers that being playfully mean is his go-to love language, and felix consequentially discovers that he likes a little bitchiness in a guy. it’s kind of a surprise to them both but it’s a welcome development and they each come to terms with their newfound chemistry pretty quickly. it all goes unsaid. the flirting just kinda happens, and before too long they’re letting the lines of their relationship blur.

felix is absolutely thrilled. he loves the way turbo lights up when he enters the room. he loves feeling useful and wanted to someone other than a nicelander, and he sincerely loves turbo. it’s ridiculously simple to him, and at some point he was probably even convinced that turbo was his future. there is a sliver of bliss between them before the fantasy inevitably ends. sad! oh well, there are other bad boys with intimacy issues and their golden retriever boyfriends 😊 COUGH tamora & felix COUGH

OK BUT FR turbo even. Listen okay actually no. turbo had gotten wrapped up in felix’s fantasy too. he was invested. then he thought more than 2 seconds about the prospect of felix specifically being his life partner and got scared as fuck.

i’m ngl guys, i think turbo may have found felix’s predictability and love of routine and familiarity comforting in the beginning, but he quickly realizes that he can’t hitch himself to that. i think he had considered the anticipatory lifespan of his own game early on and a little seed of doubt burrowed itself down in his chest, telling him that he could not afford to get too comfortable and loose his touch.

OKAY UHM. sorry about the incoherent wall of text before you i just have so many thoughts about them at all times. all subject to change and evolve of course. in the meantime, here are some of my notes on them:

turbo has a strong emotional attachment to his car and felix recognizes that being invited to ride in it is a huge sign of trust and vulnerability. you’d never think he was sending sappy signals by the way he offered felix to ‘take it for a spin’, but it touches felix either way.

as previously mentioned, felix has a thing for being bossed around. he vehemently denies this when turbo teases him about it. no big surprise

turbo feels out of his element in most of the romantic aspects of their relationship, finding it easier to navigate the physical aspects. this isn’t even necessarily because he doesn’t have romantic feelings for felix, he’s just allergic to emotional intimacy.

felix is the perfect opposite of turbo in that respect. no display of affection is flippant or unimportant to him: he is very deliberate in initiating anything physical

on that note, felix is extremely service oriented and prefers to dote on his partner. turbo could not be happier by all the attention, but sometimes he finds felix’s emotion and sincerity to be overwhelming. this applies to basically every aspect of their relationship

i’m trying not to make all of these about turbo but i just have to get this off my chest: yes, turbo gets off on obliterating competition. he’s not normal about winning. winning in front of his boyfriend makes him especially abnormal. being praised for his victories by said boyfriend makes him downright unusual. no further questions at this time

i have more but this is way too long as it is and i’m falling asleep sitting up so CHAPTER ONE OVER!!!!1!1

[villainmade]

  by the time the midnight countdown rolls around, kaitlyn's feeling sufficiently drunk — not messy drunk, but definitely drunk enough to ignore all of the bad things in life for a few hours. she's glad they end up near the back wall, if only because it gives her something to lean against as the ball finally begins to make its descent on the television up front. kaitlyn welcomes the countdown with a little more enthusiasm than she ever would have if she'd been sober, even counts down for a few numbers until she remembers that she has a task to fulfill once the clock hits midnight. there's a slight twinge of ... something in her stomach at the thought, but she shakes it away; it's just her and jake, doing each other a solid to avoid scrutiny from anyone else. quick, painless, over in the blink of an eye.

  except it doesn't actually end up being a quick peck on the lips at all. that's definitely what kaitlyn's aiming for when she meets him halfway, and she doesn't make a conscious decision to change course. but a long moment passes and they still haven't parted. once kaitlyn realizes that, once she recognizes that jake's brought a hand to her cheek, her heart does a few weird flips in her chest. she doesn't pull away as quickly as she would have normally (and she'll conveniently blame her drunken state for that), but eventually, she does pull away. her gaze remains on him, brow furrowing in a brief show of confusion as her brain struggles to catch up. " uh, happy new year. " kaitlyn opens her mouth with the intention of saying something more (though what, she's not sure), but kaden and his husband take that moment to come bounding over to them with small confetti poppers, which they promptly pop in the air above their heads with ' happy new year ' cheers of their own.

' well , you are grumpy ... ' he teases playfully , then listens as she rudely shoots down his slap jack suggestion. popping his third jello shot into his mouth , jake chews absently as he watches her head to grab the deck of uno cards instead.

they manage to get a couple rounds in --- jake winning one , kaitlyn the other and a third is still ongoing when it comes time to head back towards the big screen tv in the basement. he's helped himself to a few more jello shots in the time it had taken for the countdown to start , and he's feeling pretty decent now. certainly not shitfaced , but pleasantly intoxicated ... he hovers near the back wall with kaitlyn , neither of them feeling particularly inclined to elbow their way closer to the television. or , he suspects , draw any more attention to them than necessary. five ... four ... three ... two ... jake sucks in a breath , nerves spiking for reasons he doesn't understand. it's just kaitlyn , an innocent little tradition between childhood friends , so why --- one !! the room erupts into cheers , noise - makers and confetti. and following the social cue , jake turns to kaitlyn fully , leaning down and pressing his lips against hers. it's meant to be quick , harmless. maybe he's more drunk than he thought , maybe he's touch - starved and desperate --- both ... but jake doesn't immediately pull back , instead , a hand comes to lightly cup against her cheek in a completely unplanned sort of way.

[doxiedreg]

Its once again 11 pm and I once again have not eaten dinner yet because being depressed makes me dysfunctional especially when it comes to food

I'm going to be so glad to be with my mom on Saturday, I always eat well at my mom's

But when I'm alone and going through a depressive episode my diet is shit, i eat very little and very delayed and making a proper meal feels like too much work so i dont have a well rounded diet like I usually do and dear god why must my depression be like this

Why must it deprive me of food

Food is so important

It's not that I hate food, it's not that I'm afraid to get fat or anything (and getting fat wouldn't be bad in any way either) but I just do not care. I do not feel like eating anything and everything feels as too much work to prepare. I do not crave anything and thus do not know what to eat and resolve it by not eating at all

It sucks so hard guys, my stomach freaking hurts and is begging me to eat food but I don't want to get up and even if I did get up I wouldn't know what the fuck I want to eat

My depression has been going on for like almost a month at this point I'm so fucking sick of it, let me fucking go back to being a somewhat functional human who's able to enjoy things instead of being apathy incarnate who desires to lie in bed all day

[keferon]

I'm a beginner artist and I love how you draw Swindle. Baby needs more love and attention. Sorry for blowing up your motifs by spam liking Ur posts (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠)

Ah thank you:3

But also, feel free to spam like all you want. I don’t really care about numbers, so I turned off notifs for likes and commentless reblogs. The only thing I see is when someone saying/adding something. Like replying or leaving funny tags or something like that.

[florallylly]

i've seen model steve harrington aus. i've seen child steve harrington aus. i present: child model steve harrington

note: this came from my own desperate need to see this conceptualized and i SWEAR i've searched, i just can't find any content with child model steve so. :(

bc little steve harrington was remarkably cherub-like. his large brown eyes and soft pout ensured endless cooing and fussing from his mom's friends. and when he blushed and ducked his head in shyness, they only complimented him more. when he got home that day, his mom smiled at him.

so steve decided that he would put up with the cheek pinching and the squealing. he sat upright in his chair, sitting on his hands so he wouldn't fidget and ruin the image. because he'd do anything to keep his mom smiling at him. if he was being particularly good that day, she'd let him lay his head on her lap on the drive back home.

but everything changed at his father's birthday gala. a nearly eight year old steve harrington sat prim and proper in his seat, but a smile lit up his face--his cheeks round and his dimples showing up. he raised his hand up to cover his giggle, but he couldn't help but laugh at some silly old man with a loose toupee. then he sees his mom approaching, and his face quickly smooths over, going back to the more polite smile he usually adopted when it came to these events.

he'd ruined it. he hadn't continued being the sweet boy his mom wanted. but then, she smiles at him. and introduces him to the man behind her, who says he's a designer. the man holds out his hand, but when steve puts his hand into his palm, he doesn't shake it. the man simply holds his hand, his eyes scanning steve's face. steve tries not to squirm under the attention. but the man nods and smiles at his mom, and he gives two brief cheek kisses to steve, whispering in his ear "you're going to be a star, darling." steve looks at his mom, confused, but she waves him off to continue talking to the man.

a few months later, steve's mom whisks him off on a trip to france. and steve is so excited to go, nearly vibrating in his seat as the airplane prepares to take off. but instead of the eiffel tower and the seine, steve is taken to a studio. he's posed and changed. once again, he's being fussed over, but instead of wealthy socialites, gossiping make-up artists squeal over him. he's "perfect for the shoot" and "the most darling little boy." steve doesn't understand, but his mom is still smiling, so he lets the nice ladies brush powder over his face.

and he looks in the mirror. his hair is a little more tousled and his lips have a slight tint to them and his eyes seem to take up much of his face. he's put into new clothes, and he feels like a doll in their hands. and when he's put in front of the camera, he simply follows the photographer's directions. afterwards, he's bundled into the car and his mom can't stop gushing about how good he was.

apparently, he's a natural. and then she goes back to fussing over him, focusing more on appearance than his behavior now. but she takes him out shopping and they eat at an upscale restaurant along the champs-elysses. and steve is happy.

and then they go back home, and his mom is so much stricter than before. she has him try out all kinds of different hair products, determined to find the best combination to keep it looking shiny and soft. she controls his food intake and what he wears and makes him use weird creams and serums on his face. but this is what makes his mom happy, so he's happy to let her.

his mom is also on the phone a lot more lately, whispering harshly about the quality of brands and steve just assumes she's being picky about the clothes she buys. later, his mom picks him up and holds him, and asks if he'd like to move to italy. she looks at him intently and it's obvious what answer she wants, so steve nods. she smiles and holds him close, and it's the most loved steve has felt in a while.

so they move to italy, and suddenly steve is a lot more busy. he's put in front of more cameras for more people he doesn't know. but he's smiling and pouting and doing whatever they want him to do. his compliant attitude and polite nature have photographers and designers alike singing his praises, and steve always looks to his mom for approval. but she's been arguing with his dad a lot lately, so she's upset more often than not. but that's okay, the make-up artists are always kind to him.

but then one day, his mom takes a phone call in the middle of the shoot. and when it finishes, she's gone. steve goes back in, close to tears, but the make-up artists still hanging around look after him until a car is sent to pick him up. this becomes a trend. and eventually, steve goes alone to his shoots. he's always taken care of by the crew and someone is always there to pick him up, but it's not fun without his mom there.

but he knows that she's always enjoyed him taking pictures, so he continues to do so, hoping that she'll come watch him again sometime soon. and he busies himself with befriending the chatty make-up artists and the bossy photographers and the eccentric designers. and he's such a cute little thing that they can't help but dote on him.

steve is never catapulted into child stardom, as his mom is picky with his jobs, only choosing luxury brands and well known designers for him. but within the industry, they call him the "little prince."

and then steve is catapulted into puberty, but his intense skin regimen prevents him from getting acne, save for the occasional zit. and his diet and religious exercise schedule help maintain his look. and he's still doing remarkably well, especially now that he's fully aware that he is a Model.

and steve has truly grown into his looks. with time, he's grown more comfortable in front of the camera and made numerous friends. nearly all of them are older than him, but they're fun and loud and it fills up the space that normally surrounds him. and they're the ones who get him hooked on american movies. steve remembers living in america, but he's been in milan so long that everything he recalls is vague.

but he watches them and falls in love with the american high school experience. so when he finally catches his mom off the phone and actually in the house, steve asks if he can go to school in america. and his mom laughs. but steve keeps asking, which devolves into begging. and his mother snaps, slapping him across the face and calling him ungrateful. she cries and begs for forgiveness, cowed into shame by steve's desperate attempt to hold back tears.

and so she lets him go to school in hawkins, indiana. an odd choice, but his parents just so happened to own a property there. (in truth, both of his parents expected him to change his mind within the year). but steve finds his place at hawkins high, because even though nobody in hawkins has ever heard of versace, steve is pretty. he's pretty and charming and he knows the right thing to say. after all, he's spent his whole life perfecting his mask.

and even if his mom ended up moving back home with his dad, leaving steve all alone in that big empty house, steve is happy. he's finally hanging out with people his age and high school is so far removed from the glitz and glam of the fashion industry. and he's settled and content with tommy and carol by his side. while he misses his friends back in milan, steve finds himself longing for the clothes more often. hawkins was certainly the opposite of milan, what with the nearest mall being two hours away and only equipped with a macy's and jcpenny.

through it all, steve is determined to be normal. he laughs along with jokes he doesn't quite get and rolls his eyes at carol's cue, and he joins the swim team. and he joins the basketball team. and he goes to parties and kisses girls and wears dumb little polos with his letterman jacket and does everything that he saw in the movies.

but nancy wheeler is different. steve can't forget his time in italy and who he is and was, and he's reminded of his old life in everyone and everything in hawkins. but not nancy wheeler. she's all hawkins and all his. and then the upside down happens.

and then nancy wheeler breaks his heart.

even after three years, his parents continue to ask when he'll go back to modeling, but he's different now. the upside down and billy hargrove beat that starry eyed little kid who thrived in the spotlight. and nancy wheeler proved that adoration and love is fleeting, so what would even be the point of trying anymore? his dad was a little more approving of steve's retirement/hiatus, saying that steve must want to go to college so he can take over the family business.

but when steve doesn't get into college, he's once again badgered by his mom to go back. but he's grown and changed and he's not sure that he can pretend anymore, so he says no. and they cut him off. enter: scoops era.

the measly scoops salary is not nearly enough to cover all of the new bills and expenses steve has, but he's not willing to leave hawkins. so he reaches out to his friends back in italy, and they refer him to their american connections. steve doesn't model at the same level as before, but he poses for a couple of zines and one artist who got a little too handsy at his exhibition. but he's able to make it through until the mall blows up.

this routine continues and he starts working at family video with robin at his side, but he keeps his side job a secret from the kids, using the excuse of visiting his parents to leave town for his shoots. he's not ashamed, but he knows he wouldn't "be normal" anymore if they found out.

but how does he explain his near mental breakdown at the sight of his healing demobat scars. they're raised and ugly, ruining what should have been a perfect body. and even though he uses scar cream everyday, they refuse to fade away completely. and how could anyone stand to be near such an ugly thing when all his life, steve was meant to be pretty? after all, love and adoration is fleeting.

[toldentops]

talk about kinoga. NOW.

GAH I JUST THINK THEY ARE SO............. well first of all. they are so cute and handsome. look at them right now

Second of all I have one million feelings about them and it's barely an exaggeration. For those who aren't familiar, Kinoga is one of my beloved splatoon ocs and I think about them all the time. Originally made when I tossed a "what-if" idea about Trito, my first splatoon oc, who was once part of the octarian military, if he runs into one of the old squad members on the surface, and Kinoga was born with the help of @igneouskit. Brainworms ensue. its terminal. check out their toyhouse

(extremely brief rundown for those unfamiliar with splatoon lore the relevant bits are as follows: some octolings are part of a military that were forced underground after a war with the Inklings over land due to rising seas. At some point during the plot, the song Calamari Inkantation is sung by the two idols, which is apparently imbued in the DNA of all creatures and compels octolings to see the surface. In the splatoon 2 DLC, octo expansion, some octolings are recruited by a shady company called Kamabo Co, which entices participants to enroll in tests through a deep sea metro, and offers the "promised land" as a reward. Completing the tests entails collecting parts of a blender, and the "reward" is getting blended into sludge. This sludge can get injected into other octos which causes them to lose their will and consciousness ("sanitization").

timeline-wise much of their story takes place between splat 2, through octo expansion, and is currently in the splat 3 era. When they were still in the military, they ended up hearing the Calamari Inkantation like Agent 8 did. Kinoga and their squad were incredibly close to each other. Unwilling to just up and leave the underground but wanting to give their squadmates a better life, Kinoga hears about Kamabo's "promised land" and wants to seek it out, so they leave the squad to embark on the metros and promises to return. They do not <3 Some of the tests make them encounter sanitized octolings and they begin to question what's really happening in the metros. Their tipping point is when they run into Agara, one of their squadmates that decided to enter the metros to look for Kinoga and ends up being sanitized. Kinoga, facing the crushing realization that their squadmates had followed them, unaware of the danger, narrowly escapes being killed by Agara and eventually makes it to the surface.

This results in them experiencing a good amount of crushing guilt about leaving, they never knew it would lead to the possibility of dooming their whole squad that followed after them because they were loved and trusted. Kinoga had no way of letting the rest of them know that they should turn back and it's so. AAUGH. They have no choice but to continue on, finding life on the surface and eventually making it to splatsville with the belief that the rest of the squad may be gone. Agara and Trito end up running through the metro, Agara gets sanitized and Trito survives, albeit without getting a nasty scar from an accident that nearly got him sanitized.

Trito makes me insane also. he's my funny silly rabbit. I care about him so so much. trito goes through the metros, to maybe catch up with kinoga or meet them at the promised land, trusting that it was worth leaving if Kinoga decided it was worth it for all of them too.

Trito, upon learning about The Horrors in the metro later, realizes what could have happened to Kinoga and Agara and is unwilling to return to the rest of the squad with this knowledge, struck by the possibility that they're both gone. <-also has to realize that these horrible things have been happening to all the octlings that left to go do the metro tests. He too, eventually escapes to the surface and makes it to Inkopolis.

Years later, Trito, on a day trip to Splatsville, encounters Kinoga on the streets, and they lock eyes. and. fuck. They thought they were dead and had dealt with the grief and accepting that they were gone, effectively pushing those thoughts aside, and now they're physically in front of each other and they have to deal with it again. they make me SICK. Kinoga knowing that trito went to the metros and followed them and made it out also. Trito knowing that Kinoga experienced the horrors as well and survived. Neither of them able to return to tell the rest of the squad but they're both here, alive on the surface and aarrghhhhhhh. now they have to cope with this. they hastily exchange contact information, having to leave each other again, and end up meeting later to really catch up.

I'm so normal about kinoga and their relationship to trito post-domes. They don't even realize that they miss each other so much because they accepted that they were already gone. Seeing how much the other had changed. Being each other's only tie to their previous lives and it dawns on them that they never can move on from this. Kinoga struggles to tell Trito that they couldn't bring themselves to go back, not knowing if they could escape a second time, not knowing if any of their teammates were still left, already dealing with occasional spurts of being wracked by grief. Trito feeling the same, wanting to forget the terrible things and find happiness on the surface, but disheartened when learning that Kinoga also couldn't bring themselves to go back to look (though now that the both of them are together.....they do eventually muster the courage to go back to the domes to look for their old squadmates). It like. sucks so bad. They didn't intend to abandon their squad, but they were given circumstances where they just could not, and none of the other squad members could have known and suffer for it. aarghhhhh.

They end up at Trito's place, Kinoga and Trito end up being very affectionate towards each other after reuniting, definitely Trito being clingier...Compelled to hold onto each other and not let go, not after feeling so much regret about leaving in the first place. It's like. they left once before and terrible things happened out of their control, so they're allowed to hold each other as close as they can so it doesn't happen again (THE DEMONS) (GRIPS). it's irrational for Trito especially to think that he'll never see Kinoga again when they have to leave, since they live in separate cities and have to go in the morning. and kinoga knows it's irrational and they do their best to comfort him anyways because. who could blame him for wanting to keep them there after being gone for so long and so unexpectedly. The slow, crushing experience of not fully registering that someone could be gone and it creeps up to them until it hits. auuuuugh. they have to be so tender with each other, not really knowing where to take things afterwards but relishing in the moment of having each other there. riding the high of each other's comfort. fuck. this post is just getting worse as it goes. Trito breaking down in Kinoga's arms because he's had to hold in his grief and having nowhere to put it and then finally being able to release it. just being able to feel Something again. kinoga feeling so heartbroken to see trito like this, remembering that he was always so outspoken and smiling and having him curled up against them unable to say anything. holding him as tightly as they can. Feeling the need to take good care of him. They aren't his squad leader anymore but they still feel compelled to look out for him because then they can feel like they're doing at least something right. whatever. you guys get the gist. I'm way too much of a sucker for like...............pained intimacy. I'm down terrible. I think both of them deserve a little kissy and more. again. very touchy and affectionate with each other, I guess theyre still like "friends" (A WARRIOR'S BOND. OR WHATEVER) and are not "together" like a couple but here are words from igneouskit who put it better then I could ever. they love each other so much and they make me blow up. worlds most situationship

and also one bit I forgot to mention is that Trito has a huge scar on his chest that he hates talking about, it just brings back the fear and pain felt when he got it, and by association reminds him that he's alone from his squad who may never see again, so he's very protective of it. Upon getting back to kinoga, they do find out about the scar accidentally, and Trito lets them. like auuuugh they were so familiar with each other and now get to see what's changed since the last time. exploring eachother's bodies. whatever

Kinoga also ends up feeling really guilty at some point for Trito being immediately so affectionate towards them, they harbor thoughts that they don’t deserve it after having him go through that pain, and trito having to tell them that he made his own decision, nobody was forcing him to go, and besides, did it to see kinoga and now that they’re right in front of him he can give him all the love he’s been holding for them. Auuughhhh. Like don’t worry about feeling guilty for it. It wasn’t their fault. What matters to him now is that they’re both alive and with each other. I feel like blowing up

Even after Kinoga goes back to splatsville the next day trito is still aches about them......like a few days of reunion could never be enough to compensate for the years that they spent apart. every time they meet up after that trito jumps in kinoga's arms and kiss them like it was the first time they'd reunited

anyways. they eventually go back down to the domes to find the others. By that time, Agent 8 had dismantled Kamabo, the Sludge shit was no longer in operation, and octolings have started going to the surface. Kanu, another squad member, left the domes to find Kinoga, Agara, and Trito(jilon was another squad member who left for reasons I haven't decided yet). Denchu, the last remaining member, stayed behind, holding on to the hope that the missing members would someday return (denchu is a whole other can of worms. theyre everything to me and I feel so terrible for them <3). Trito and kinoga meet denchu, they update them on everybody else, leaving agara unaccounted for. Kinoga, who was the only one to see Agara firsthand, knowing that she might be completely unsalvageable, hesitates to bring it up, but Trito insists on going to look for her. aughhh. kinoga wants to spare trito the pain of seeing her dead or unconscious. They do eventually find her </3

She is alive, but not doing well at all, Kinoga desperate to maybe find some way to undo sanitization and restore her to full health, knowing full well that it may not be possible. They take Agara back with them to the surface and Kinoga spends a lot of time agonizing again over having caused this, feeling that agara's state is somehow their fault (ITS NOTT they're beating themselves up so bad for this because they feel responsible for the squad. aughhh).

I think thats all I have for kinoga. for now. obviously there are more thoughts I can get into but currently my brain has just latched so hard on trito and kinoga's fun situation and I love them so much. didn't think I'd get attached to them this bad but here we are </3. I hope everyone who has read this far also enjoys them as much as I do

[dykedvonte]

wanted to say I appreciate your nuanced takes on MW and especially Curly. i don't get the claim that the fandom is full of Curly apologists when majority (esp yt and tiktok) say he's worse than Jimmy. Yes there's commentary about bro culture defending people, he def messed up in trying to placate Jimmy (tbh "we'll fix this" sounded more like trying to keep someone prone to outbursts like Jim calm and not hurt Anya/himself) but I don't think he did nothing to help Anya, since she continued to confide in him and he had less than a week to resolve it before the crash (I also don't get everyone saying he knew for ages when it seems like Anya told him that same week). I get Jimmy's a pos but saying stuff like Curly should've known he'd crash the ship or that Jim had a criminal record he ignored, reducing them to obviously horrible villain and willfully ignorant sidekick feels like a disservice to the game. If your best friend turned out to be horrible, what would you do in a confined space in the span of a few days to respond? I'd say some of the horror comes from trying to do good but ultimately failing, Curly's state after the crash is meant to be tragic horror not revenge/punishment

Thank you and this is what I want to get across.

A lot of information we have to supplement when it comes to how long things have been happening on this current ship. I think people try to add on to the horror and negligence by making things more obvious so it can feel like it was easier to avoid when, true to life, its not. Jimmy clearly didn't deserve or appreciate what Curly did for him in getting him the job, but do you think if Jimmy was that big of a menace on Earth he would've given him a position where he could have that level of power over people's lives? There's something in the fact he specifically chose to pick a position so close to himself where he could watch Jimmy.

I hate the bro code argument because that is a whole can of worms people really don't get. That sort of mentality is born from the general respect and preference of male matter over female ones. Curly is clearly not that guy, he is absent minded about the issue and inadvertently dismissive but he clearly believes Anya, he just can't understand what she's going through. It's an onslaught of information that no one really reacts right to. Additonally, the entire discussion of her assualt plays to heavy into the idea that there is fault outside of the perpertratior when it comes to SA. It's too close if she only did this or if Curly had protected her better but the fact of the matter is Jimmy did what he did. He did it before any of the conversations with Anya about it and it's why her behavior seemed to change so drastically in those last two days.

He has other conflicting thought and while his role as a Captain should've taken over, people act like it's not a very human thing to have such a toxic presence cloud your judgement. It is never easy to separate friend from coworker once that connection is formed, you want to help them, especially if they were friend first and for a long while like in this case. It's not right, but people act like it would be easy when the game clearly points out that no choice is easy to make, especially when you have to make it for more than one person. You have the weigh the consequences, look at all the options and make a plan. People can headcanon and decide how long things where happening, but if we look at what we were presented through the characters eyes, the only person given time to do that was Jimmy.

He waited two months after the crash to appoint himself Captain. Every time a problem was brought up he immediately took action and refused to sit on it and find a better solution. I think it's important to look at the warped way Jimmy takes initiative where Curly didn't as it works as a good contrast of why you don't just run in to "fix" things. The quickest and easiest option may not be the safest or most beneficial. I think some thoughts on the game suffer from the black and white thinking the game doesn't operate on along with us being voyeurs. We see what exactly led to what but the characters don't. They don't have the hindsight and foresight we do and even ours is scrambled by the non-linear story telling.

Like it's hard to talk abuou those grey zones without sounding like an apologist because you're explaining why taking responsibility isn't easy. It's not and it's weird to act like it would be in a scenerio that led up to the events of the game knowing what we know. We see all these characters in such isolated moments with various things before, in between, after and even during we aren't privy too. The idea that Jimmy is worse than Curly heavily banks on the words Jimmy was saying to Jimmy before he crashed the ship. That whatever happened on the ship was his responsibility to bare, which is true due to his position. But, are they not still not responsible for taking the actions Curly then must bare?

Like i feel like people think that these are situation that become easier with age or when you are in a postion of authority and they aren't. You don't lose your biases or gain some sudden knowledge that makes it easier. It just becomes more tiring as you keep dealing with it. I would be first in line to say Curly fucked up and should've done more but the idea he knew how bad it could get or he really saw the worst in the people around him and ignored it pretty much ignores a huge aspect of his character and the game.

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

had a really interesting convo yesterday about ethics and whether intent or results matters (eg if you tried to make an ethical purchasing choice but the business was actually exploitative as hell, does that "count") and very much came to the conclusion that sure, if you're concerned with your personal immortal soul, as a christian might be, then intention counts. but if what you're focused on is your impact on the world, then intention means nothing if the actions have negative results, right? (that doesn't mean you're to blame for them! you didn't know! but you also don't get "ethics points" for trying, you know?)

and this also got me thinking about the whole christian idea that sinful thoughts are as bad as sinful actions because. they're just not imo. maybe for the sake of your Immortal Soul they are points against you, if that's your jam. but in terms of putting good into the world, in terms of your impact on other people, the ONLY thing that matters is what you choose to do with those thoughts. there is no way that "was kind to someone who was pissing me off, for the sake of community harmony" or "helped an acquaintance with a task even though I felt resentful about the time spent doing that" is a Bad Thing for the world

and it made me wonder how much purity culture and thought policing is rooted in (mostly evangelical) cultural christianity and this idea that ethical choices are an individual thing because what matters is the impact of them on YOUR soul and not, you know, things we do because of what we owe the world around us / because of love for others / because a world where people are trying to put good into it is a hell of a lot nicer to live in than one where people are only worried about themselves

i grew up evangelical but like. fairly mild evangelical and even though there wasn't a big focus on hell and stuff, i definitely fixated on imperfect thoughts and behaviours that were putting absolutely no harm into the world, rather than focusing on what i could do to put good into it, and that individualistic vs outward-focused approach to morality has been something i've grappled with a lot as an adult. but i never really thought about it as simply as this and really that's what it boils down to. are you making the ethical choice because you're trying to put good in the world, or because it would make you a "good person" to do so? because the answer to that 100% defines whether it's the thought or the result that counts