oregonkitty-art

[dykedvonte]

wanted to say I appreciate your nuanced takes on MW and especially Curly. i don't get the claim that the fandom is full of Curly apologists when majority (esp yt and tiktok) say he's worse than Jimmy. Yes there's commentary about bro culture defending people, he def messed up in trying to placate Jimmy (tbh "we'll fix this" sounded more like trying to keep someone prone to outbursts like Jim calm and not hurt Anya/himself) but I don't think he did nothing to help Anya, since she continued to confide in him and he had less than a week to resolve it before the crash (I also don't get everyone saying he knew for ages when it seems like Anya told him that same week). I get Jimmy's a pos but saying stuff like Curly should've known he'd crash the ship or that Jim had a criminal record he ignored, reducing them to obviously horrible villain and willfully ignorant sidekick feels like a disservice to the game. If your best friend turned out to be horrible, what would you do in a confined space in the span of a few days to respond? I'd say some of the horror comes from trying to do good but ultimately failing, Curly's state after the crash is meant to be tragic horror not revenge/punishment

Thank you and this is what I want to get across.

A lot of information we have to supplement when it comes to how long things have been happening on this current ship. I think people try to add on to the horror and negligence by making things more obvious so it can feel like it was easier to avoid when, true to life, its not. Jimmy clearly didn't deserve or appreciate what Curly did for him in getting him the job, but do you think if Jimmy was that big of a menace on Earth he would've given him a position where he could have that level of power over people's lives? There's something in the fact he specifically chose to pick a position so close to himself where he could watch Jimmy.

I hate the bro code argument because that is a whole can of worms people really don't get. That sort of mentality is born from the general respect and preference of male matter over female ones. Curly is clearly not that guy, he is absent minded about the issue and inadvertently dismissive but he clearly believes Anya, he just can't understand what she's going through. It's an onslaught of information that no one really reacts right to. Additonally, the entire discussion of her assualt plays to heavy into the idea that there is fault outside of the perpertratior when it comes to SA. It's too close if she only did this or if Curly had protected her better but the fact of the matter is Jimmy did what he did. He did it before any of the conversations with Anya about it and it's why her behavior seemed to change so drastically in those last two days.

He has other conflicting thought and while his role as a Captain should've taken over, people act like it's not a very human thing to have such a toxic presence cloud your judgement. It is never easy to separate friend from coworker once that connection is formed, you want to help them, especially if they were friend first and for a long while like in this case. It's not right, but people act like it would be easy when the game clearly points out that no choice is easy to make, especially when you have to make it for more than one person. You have the weigh the consequences, look at all the options and make a plan. People can headcanon and decide how long things where happening, but if we look at what we were presented through the characters eyes, the only person given time to do that was Jimmy.

He waited two months after the crash to appoint himself Captain. Every time a problem was brought up he immediately took action and refused to sit on it and find a better solution. I think it's important to look at the warped way Jimmy takes initiative where Curly didn't as it works as a good contrast of why you don't just run in to "fix" things. The quickest and easiest option may not be the safest or most beneficial. I think some thoughts on the game suffer from the black and white thinking the game doesn't operate on along with us being voyeurs. We see what exactly led to what but the characters don't. They don't have the hindsight and foresight we do and even ours is scrambled by the non-linear story telling.

Like it's hard to talk abuou those grey zones without sounding like an apologist because you're explaining why taking responsibility isn't easy. It's not and it's weird to act like it would be in a scenerio that led up to the events of the game knowing what we know. We see all these characters in such isolated moments with various things before, in between, after and even during we aren't privy too. The idea that Jimmy is worse than Curly heavily banks on the words Jimmy was saying to Jimmy before he crashed the ship. That whatever happened on the ship was his responsibility to bare, which is true due to his position. But, are they not still not responsible for taking the actions Curly then must bare?

Like i feel like people think that these are situation that become easier with age or when you are in a postion of authority and they aren't. You don't lose your biases or gain some sudden knowledge that makes it easier. It just becomes more tiring as you keep dealing with it. I would be first in line to say Curly fucked up and should've done more but the idea he knew how bad it could get or he really saw the worst in the people around him and ignored it pretty much ignores a huge aspect of his character and the game.

[stormyoceans]

I'm telling you, this vice versa fever is never going away, and I owe a HUGE chunk of it to you. A few thoughts I had in the past hour:

1. There isn't enough good peuntalay fics on ao3. My boys deserve so much love. I am a sucker for feelings and emotions and i think about them post vv so many times in a week it's just sad. I always welcome recs 🙌🏻

2. Jimmysea went from being almost the same height to SEA being taller than jim and this is something i stay up thinking about. There's just SOMETHING about that height difference that's so DELICIOUS, it makes my imagination run WILD (not in a sexual way, only pure thoughts here)

I will forever come to you about my random peuntalay and morkday thoughts so prepare your inbox 🤭😚

PEOPLE THINK IM KIDDING WHEN I SAY I’LL BE 90 YEARS OLD AND STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS SHOW BUT WATCH ME TRY TO MAKE FRIENDS AT THE RETIREMENT HOME LIKE EXCUSE ME DO Y’ALL KNOW ABOUT QUEEN VICE VERSA THE SERIES THE FIRST OF HER NAME

right now im just so very grateful to have you sharing this endless derangement with me tho 💜 also the fact that im even partly responsible for your vice versa fever makes me way happier than it probably should sfjksgfjsg

unfortunately i don’t have many fic recs ;;;;;; part of it is because these days i have so little free time that i usually give priority to watching shows or reading books, but i also have to admit that i am annoyingly particular when it comes to fanfiction: i need the characterization to be as similar to the one i have in my head as possible, otherwise i just can’t bring myself to fully like the story ;;;;;;;; if you checked ao3, you’ve probably already read the few recs i have, but let me share them anyway to spread some love!!!

a glitch in the universe by @morkofday

After spending almost eight months in their own universe, Puen and Talay are finally getting married. Their wedding day is supposed to be the best day of their lives, the perfect start for their forever together. But as Talay recognizes Tun in Puen's body moments before their wedding ceremony is meant to begin, it becomes obvious that the universe has very different plans for them.

home by NgumNumNom

A 3+1 fic where 3 times Puen felt lonely and didn't know what the comfort of home was vs the 1 time when his home was right beside him. Plus a bonus because we all love fluff.

husbands to be by @distant-screaming

“I just can’t wait to get married to you,” Puen's grin widens. “My husband.” (Puen and Talay plan their wedding. As usual, they don't stay on track for long.)

regretted anticipation by @distant-screaming

Puen knocks on Talay’s door. He hopes the person who opens it this time will be Talay.

they're not that many, but imho these are really good!!!!! i agree with you that we do need more tho!!!!!!

ALSO JIMMYSEA’S HEIGHT THE ULTIMATE LONG LASTING MYSTERY IN THE NOMNOM FANDOM because if we listen to them then jimmy is 180 cm while sea is 178 cm BUT I SWEAR MOST OF THE TIMES SEA DOES LOOK JUST A TINY BIT TALLER SO WHAT'S THE TRUTH!!!!!!!! either way sea really has grown a lot in the past couple of years and it makes me sooooo emotional, he was so teeny tiny back then 🥺

i actually love that they don't have such a big difference in height and build, just enough to have their characters be perfect for cheek kisses and back hugs GOD BLESS

[hoperays-song]

More Spider-Man AU Stuff

Johnny became Spider-Man or Skate-Spider on a school field trip when he was young, but went for a long while without taking up the title. He only did eventually because he realised he could help people in a way he couldn't before and save them like he couldn't save his mum. She died while he was young due to an illness but he still blamed himself and saw being Spider-Man as a coping mechanism at first.

The singing competition was essentially the same but without the gang plotline and the characters being much younger. They all became friends afterwards like the do out of AU but have spent 3-ish years together at this point. Buster also adopted Ash then as well.

Jimmy runs a newspaper as well as a ton of other entertainment things and they do all hate Spider-Man.

Instead of Spider-Man losing a police captain or his uncle, he has to be the one to sever his ties with his uncles and dad. In this AU he never knew about the gang and caught them in a robbery. Johnny tried to talk them out of it, even revealing his identity, but couldn't and in the end arrested them. Aka a much more angsty disownment arc.

Nooshy was adopted by Marcus around two years before the start of this AU when he found them camping out behind the garage. She lives in her own apartment now but acts as Johnny's “person in the chair” after helping him come up with the Skate-Spider persona in the first place.

Rosita is still Johnny's foster mum and finds out he's Spider-Man when he returns from patrol too hurt to hide said fact. She immediately started covering for him and helping him improve his gadgets as a way to make sure he's safe.

Several newspapers are running rewards for who can tell them who Spider-Man is and the troupe are all competing together. Johnny is actually pretty scared they might find out who he is because they've gotten close before.

In the timeline, the singing competition in Sing 1 is replaced by just a regular show as it focuses more of Johnny being Skate-Spider and his relationships. The Redshore trip does still happen according to the timeline with the same plot points however, just with Spider-Man stuff thrown in.

Johnny has a different skateboard that he carries on patrol so his dad doesn't recognize it and he takes all the pins of his jacket before patrol as well (also his jacket has pins in this AU). When not skating on patrol, the skateboard is hung around his shoulders with a strand of webbing.

Ryan is actually introduced a bit before the Redshore trip as an English student who Johnny saves as Spider-Man. During the Redshore trip however, it's revealed that Ryan, as well as being a dancer, is in school an is doing a paper on modern heroism and wants to talk with Skate-Spider about what that's like as a hero vs as a civilian. Johnny is constantly scared he's going to figure his identity out.

Clay figures out Spider-Man’s identity after like 12 seconds but keep his identity a secret. He says this is due to him having a stage persona when he was younger so he recognized the two's similarities (Johnny and Skate-Spider).

Ryan does figure out Johnny's identity after a while and drops it in while they are hanging out after practice, promising to keep it a secret.

The troupe as a whole finds out Skate-Spider's identity during the big show down with the big bad and promptly freak out that their friend is likely hurt.

The disownment reconciliation scene wouldn't be at a theatre performance in this. It happens during a fight with a villain when part of the jail is destroyed, causing Johnny to panic about his family's safety. He runs into his dad and the two talk it out then.

Calatonia will be New Calatonia instead but Redshore stays the same.

Quote:

“No, you raised me to do the right thing. Why can’t you see that’s what I’m doing?”

“And you're willing to do that even if it means turning your back on your family? By betraying us?”

“If that’s what it takes, then yes.”

“Johnathan, don’t you dare-“

“I'm sorry dad.”

[adultswim2021]

Robot Chicken #41: “Werewolf vs. Unicorn” | August 12, 2007 - 11:30PM | S03E01

Well, it’s time for Robot Chicken, the show you love to eat. I am blazed out of my freaking brains right now, so let’s get “ultimate weed party” level high for this stonehead classic.

This episode resolves the cliffhanger from last season where Matt Senreich goes all nuts and blows everyone away during a live Robot Chicken telethon. Matt is renegotiating the contract of the show now that he’s the sole creative person left on the production staff. Seth and the rest come back as Zombies. Freaking epic, dude. They do a Thriller reference, and they steal a John Landis elevator music gag. This sketch is notable for featuring both Keith Crawford and Mike Lazzo, the Mommy and Daddy of Adult Swim respectively, playing themselves. :(

Next is Defenders of the Earth, with various characters owned by King Features Syndicate being an Avengers-style superhero team. They are merely in charge of a Neighborhood Watch program and refuse to fight actual planetary threats like an asteroid, even though it’s in their name. Okay! :( 

There’s the Shouter, which is a “Clapper” style device where you scream and stuff to get it to turn on and off. This is a solid premise and I thought they made fairly funny choices of stuff to yell. :( 

There’s a Transformers sketch where Soundwave is destroyed by two dudes who kill him by being jerks basically. Then they sell him on eBay, damn eBay really does do have everything! :(

Then there’s a part where a nerd has a web show, like that SNL sketch where Jimmy Fallon is a college-aged pot head on webcam. Remember that? It’s like that but a nerd is doing it to talk about nerd stuff, and then a bully shows up and says biphobic stuff at him :( the comedy idea here is that nerds like using the internet to deliver messages. :(

Then there’s a rude one with Adam and Steve, the famous gay guys from the Bible. They name all the animals, but Steve, the girl gay guy, comes in and names stuff ruder names. He calls a Zebra a “Ramburglar” :( 

Lotta frowns so far, but that’s about to change: they do a thing about the board game “The Game of Life”, and this one I actually remember seeing and thinking wasn’t too bad. I still think this is one of their stronger sketches and I think sometimes they arrive at concepts that their animation is much better at conveying than their normal stuff with the toys. The game pieces in this look great. The jokes aren’t that strong, but it’s such a great premise, and I forgive it for being basic.

Then there’s a thing about Arnold Schwarzenegger (who should seriously consider maybe changing the last four letters of his name) giving a speech about illegal immigrants (the final joke makes light of his own immigrant status… my goodness!). We see little vignettes with Speezy Gonzalaes and Dora the Explorer. The part where Slow-poke Rodriguez begs to not be deported because they will execute him in Mexico made me laugh. 

The closing credits have to make up for the fact that they didn’t have an opening credits sequence for this episode, so they list more names than usual, causing the chicken’s “bock bock” song to go way long, and boy, I felt every second of it. I started Imagining a sweetly retarded boy in his bedroom watching this and joining in the bock bocks himself and it made me smile. I should remove that last sentence before I publish this. But, it’s true. I really did use my imagination in an insulting way. I’m sorry! I am as god made me and god don’t make no trash.

Neat story that you’ll like: I was in a record store that sold used DVDs and always try to buy SOMETHING when I go into a store like this. So, I found the Robot Chicken season three DVD for a decent price, and thought “hey, I could get this if I can’t find anything I actually want, I could at least use it for the blog. Maybe I will start watching the commentaries for these”. Well, I couldn’t find anything better so I got it for probably five dollars. The packaging is actually in really nice condition, and it still has the little Williams Street ad sheet inside. ANYWAY: I listened to the commentary for this one and it had Dino Stamatopoulos on it. He makes fun of Matt for smiling too much (I agree) and asks Seth how it was working with Woody Allen. Very fun!

EPHEMERA CORNER:

Tim & Eric’s Awesomecon (July 28, 2007)

I searched high and low for Adult Swim’s panel schedule for San Diego Comic-Con in 2007. Then I remembered something: They didn’t have any panels at comic-con! I think they may have even been banned for a year for various Dino-related incidents (haha). I remembered this because I got tickets to comic-con for the first time ever this year, and had a fucking blast; but was mildly miffed that I would not get to witness and Adult Swim panel in person. In fact, I stayed with some friends who sorta hijacked me for a couple days of it, and I honestly shoulda just gone to the thing by myself; I coulda seen so much more.

I made sure not to miss Tim & Eric’s Awesomecon, which was held in a park by the convention center. It wasn’t officially a Comic-Con event, but it was sort of a sattellite event. Adult Swim seems to have given them a little money for food and banners and stuff. Tim & Eric hosted various competitive field day type games and the winner got to ride a jet ski. Notably I met my future wife at this event. WOW! I like still like her to this day!

Did I mention the Tomicon from the year before? Maybe I didn’t. Oh well. My wife has more cred than I do on the Tim & Eric front, because she attended Tomicon and I did not. It was held at Dick’s Last Resort, which is a chain restaurant where the gimmick is that the waiters insult you in various rehearsed ways, and she tells me that they were so obnoxious back to the waiters that you could tell they won at being mean! Good lord I wish I was there. I would have told my waiter that I loved him and I appreciated him and that he was doing a good job :)

[easypeasylindyvesey]

I Think it’s Strange We Never Knew: Jimmy Vesey x fem!OC

Summary: After the unforeseen death of Abby’s boyfriend, one of the NHL’s star defenseman and her teammate, she severely struggles with managing her grief. She confides in Jimmy Vesey, who is not only another teammate of hers, but is one of the very few people she has a strong friendship with. That is until that night and the days that followed. Does this life-altering news change the trajectory of their personal perceptions of each other? Or does it entail a chance of crossing boundaries for the risk of moving on?

Word Count: 15,077

*(General) Warnings: (foul) language, mentions/discussion of death, suicide attempt (brief, closed door description), eventual confession of feelings, grief, panic attack(s), angst, eventual sexual implications but no smut, age gap

*Note: This story takes place in the future. Abby is 24-25 and Jimmy is 33-35.

OCTOBER 2027 (Warnings: foul language, angst (LOTS of it, mainly toward the end), consumption of alcohol, choking, jimmy still in his emotionally unavailable era)

‘October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.’

It’s safe to say Jimmy hasn’t fully unleashed his yet.

His moments come and go. They’re far and few between, but if you catch him at the wrong time, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Not to mention the fact he moved his box. Yes, I checked whenever he left the apartment. It didn’t matter if it was only 5 minutes. He obviously took huge offense to it. I’m not really sure why, but it set him off quite a bit to make that change. We haven’t brought it up since. I’ve just become more aware of how even I can’t be trusted not to invade his space.

He hasn’t explicitly stated that to me, but it’s just a reasonable inference. There’s plenty of shit I haven’t explicitly stated to him either. But, as already mentioned, it’s going to come out one way or another. Don’t know when, don’t know how, don’t know the damage it’ll do.

What I do know is he can’t hold all of it in forever. I’ve always seen him as someone with a calm demeanor, never raises his voice, trying to find ways to intervene to benefit the people involved in an argument.

I guess you could say for right now, it’s him vs. me.

And he’s sure as hell not winning.

Preseason has wrapped up, so we’re spending the last of our free time doing our best to relax.

I think I’d feel better if I didn’t drink a cup of coffee every single day, but I started buying hot chocolate because it’s getting chilly out. Fall and spring are my favorite seasons. They’re different in their own ways, but it’s the same feelings I get to process.

While this fall will not be like any others, the leaves will remind me that sometimes, change is good.

Which explains the current process of taring open a packet of french vanilla hot chocolate mix as the breeze flows through the living room windows, the bleak weather dampening not only everything outside, but my chances of even trying to get through to Jimmy.

The standoffishness has not disappeared, nor has it emerged from another place, if not his head, but it does lead back to yet being in another rut. I’m not sure if he wants nothing to do with me, in hopes his attitudes will pass on, but if you really think about it, he’s having a hard time trying to figure out who to open up to. It’s definitely not me anymore.

I’m mixing my hot chocolate mix in my mug, being careful with trying not to spill any on the counter. I hear footsteps creak across the wood floor. I don’t even need to look up to know he’s staring at me, probably judging, for all I know. “Abb, it ain’t even cold enough for that yet,” he says.

“You sure you don’t wanna drink it?” I suggest. “Perhaps it’d warm your heart up.”

He decides to take the high road and not respond. 

“The fuck do you care so much about what I do?” I continue throwing a shot at him, still not looking up.

“It’s just common sense,” he argues back.

I grip my hands on the counter, lifting up my head to be met with his death glare. The one that is so, unfortunately, familiar.

“Common sense would be talking about how you feel.” I turn my back toward him, mug in hand.

“Feel about what?”

I let out a frustrated sigh. “About how I’m gonna fucking kill you.”

“At first if you don’t succeed…” He trails off.

“I’m not gonna try again,” I feel the need to remind him.

“I was going to say you’d deflect it on to someone else, but hey, that reassures me.”

I want to drop my mug on the floor and break it on purpose. I really want to reenact the night where I broke the glass cup. But I know that won’t do me any good.

Doing my best to focus on the task at hand, I turn on the stove to warm up the milk in the saucepan. At this rate, I want to burn down this apartment. That can give him the chance to know how it feels to lose something extremely important to you. He’ll care about it this time.

“Careful not to burn the milk,” I hear Jimmy say from behind me, only to step back and feel my entire body tense up, as he decided to stand over me, watching the milk move around. I don’t know what he’s trying to get at. He’s the one that apparently needs space, so he’ll come and invade mine. Got it.

“No, I will,” I tell him, digging my heel into his ankle, signaling him to back away.

But he doesn’t. “Then that’d be a waste of a packet.” His sock brushes up against my foot.

I turn around to face him so he can get the fuck out of my way, but my elbow makes contact with the handle on the pan, and what does it do, in casual fashion?

It spills.

Right onto my feet. Scalding hot.

“The fucking hell did you just do?!” I yell, tears brimming my eyelids. I turn around and turn off the stove, pain already spreading on my foot. “God, it fucking burns!” I hold onto the refrigerator door for leverage, an audible shriek escaping my mouth. It’s incredibly red. I can feel the blisters forming as I keep my eyes shut in hoping it’ll hurt less.

Jimmy’s hand finds mine hanging onto the door, moving it down to my side so he can open the fridge and retrieve a bag of ice from the freezer portion. His fingers are still lightly attached to my own. “Sit,” he tells me. 

Reluctantly, I sit on the floor between the fridge and the oven, watching him bend down and meet me on my eye level, placing the ice down on my left foot, clenching my hands into fists to brace the contact. I can’t help but start to cry.

“Abb, I’m sor-”

“Shut the fuck up,” I hiss, staring at him through my teary-eyed glasses. “This-this gotta get fucking bandaged now, hell, it could fucking scar. Yeah, let’s add another one to the collection.”

“I-”

“Why the hell were you even towering over me in the first place?” I feel that’s a necessary place to start.

And as per usual, I don’t get an answer. His hand is still pressing down on the bag of ice.

“What is wrong?” My voice cracks. “Seriously, Jim, What is wrong?”

“I-”

“Don’t you dare tell me you don’t know.”

He sighs. “I don’t know.”

I lean my head back against the wall and then lift it back up. “Yes, you do.”

I can feel him take the glasses off my face and place them down on the floor. 

I can feel his thumb gently brush underneath my eyelids to wipe away the stained tears. I don’t move.

“Abby, I really don’t know.”

I sniff loudly. “Do you want to talk to someone?”

Jimmy shakes his head. “No.” He looks away and then back to me. “You can’t fix it.”

“Fix what?”

“This.”

I stare at him again. The pain is still there, but not as evident. “I’m not following.”

“Never mind.”

“Jim-”

“I don’t wanna be here anymore.”

My heart stops as I readjust my sitting position on the floor. He can sense my shock.

He shakes his head. “No, no, not in that way. I just…I don’t know. I just can’t be in this headspace anymore.”

I am so confused.

“I think it’s time you move out.”

I can feel my mouth gape open. “Hey-”

“I really can’t deal with having to micromanage you. It’s every day. I’m walking on eggshells just to make sure you don’t fall into the cracks. It is exhausting. You are exhausting.”

Another round of tears well up in my eyes, but they don’t creep out.

“I think it’s gotten to the point where I need this back to myself. These last 7 months have had me waste my extra space. Waste my extra room. Waste my energy. God, Abb, I am so sick of this.”

“But,” my voice cracks again, “but you said I could stay as long as I needed to.”

“It’s been long enough, don’t you think?” I look into his eyes. They’re not filled with any regret.

I’m struggling to even get one word to escape my mouth. I can’t even figure out where this is coming from. 

I start to become more aware of the ice, the bitter cold sensation digging into my foot. I’ve somewhat attempted to recollect myself. “You can’t just kick me out.”

“It’s my apartment,” Jimmy argues, “and I pay for the rent, and the groceries, and pretty much everything else on top of that, which means I’m paying for an extra room that I really don’t need.”

I roll my eyes. “Then you should’ve just gotten one bedroom. It was your idea to have a spare.”

“I didn’t think it’d be occupied for seven months,” he deadpans.

“Should’ve thought long-term,” I mumble.

He stands up and I watch him walk into the bathroom and turn on the light, returning not longer than a minute later with an unopened pack of athletic wrap and neosporin. He sits down across from me, his back leaning against the bottom of the kitchen counter. Unscrewing the cap of the neosporin, he dabs some onto his index and middle finger before moving it ever so slightly on my foot. It clenches as a reaction.

“Try not to move it,” he says quietly. “Gotta give it time to work.”

I look out the living room window, watching the blue sky start to peak out of the clouds. Even they’re trying to break free from something they want to escape. That’s what he’s trying to do to me.

We sit in silence as he continues applying neosporin on the burns, moving so swiftly, so delicately like he’s repairing the glass I almost broke over his head. I’m sure if he was serious about me leaving, he’d tell me to take care of this myself. Instead, he’s doing it for me, perhaps to atone for his mistakes.

It becomes a little more uncomfortable once he’s wrapping the bandage around my foot, but I’d rather not rush his craft. Because again, he could’ve left me there in the same way he could’ve left me on the bathroom floor. 

And in front of the fireplace.

And in the hotel room itself.

And at the restaurant.

He could’ve left me in the hospital the first time. I’d have to find a way to get home.

He could’ve left me in the hospital the second time. I’d be left alone with people I didn’t know.

He had the choice to not take me in. It’s not like I ever imposed on purpose. It’s not like I knew I’d be living with him, let alone altering his future.

Whatever he’s doing, the passing of the blame and the failure to open up, I can’t tell if it’s all because of me or if there’s another underlying factor. Hell, there could be more than one.

But as he looks at me, those eyes holding a perceived softness, trimming the bandage with the kitchen scissors, trying to be so accurate, and so precise.

He’d know what he’d be giving up if I walked out.

He places the scissors on the floor and it snaps me out of my trance. “All done,” he tells me, extending his hand. “Need help getting up?”

I shake my head, propping myself on my hands and standing up before wobbling on my right foot. I walk down a couple feet to pick up my glasses off the floor, putting them back on my face. I turn back around to see him cleaning out the saucepan and taking out the milk from the fridge.

“What are you doing?”

He looks at me, the gallon of milk in hand. “Making you a new cup since I fucked up the first one.” That stupid smirk appears on the curve of his mouth. He points over to the couch with his free hand. “Go sit down and I’ll bring it to you when it’s done.”

I don’t even have the energy to retort against him. I say it quietly. “Thanks.”

“Seriously, Abb, I am so, so sorry.” By quick examination of his face, I know he means it. I’m sure.

I nod and don’t engage in it any further, hobbling over to the couch and sitting down in the middle, reaching for the remote in hopes the noise will filter out what’s happening behind me. I listen to the click of the burner, the pouring of the milk, the rustling around of the cabinets, the occasional deep exhales. If this is what it’s going to be like after every accident, every fuck-up, every argument, then yeah. Count me in.

I’ve chosen to immerse myself in watching “The Office”, only because it’s a perfect mix of comedy and seriousness (well, at least when it wants to be). The stove shuts off, which alerts me in knowing the milk is done being heated up. The sound of a cup glides across the counter and I hear the taring of the hot chocolate packet and it being poured into the cup, along with the milk. After the occasional stirring of the contents with what I would assume is a utensil, I hear those heavy footsteps of his make their way onto the wood floor, stretching out his arm, cup in hand. 

I give him a tiny smile. I hope he’s able to notice the hint of apology in there.

“Don’t drink it just yet,” Jimmy says. “Don’t want you burning your tongue too.”

I place the cup on the coffee table. “Yeah, well, that burn would go away a lot quicker.”

The couch becomes heavier as he sits down. A long sigh escapes his lips as he makes himself comfortable. Technically, he’s manspreading, and that’s always a dangerous position for a man to ever sit in.

“You’re not having breakfast?” I turn to him, examining his posture and awaiting his answer.

“It’s already past 10.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s still early. You got any bagels in the fridge?”

He laughs. “Nah, I, uh, I haven’t gotten around to buying any.”

Shaking my head, I return back to my original sitting position. “What a shame.”

He looks down at my legs, perking his head back up. “You should elevate that foot,” he instructs. 

I look around, pretending as if I’m expecting the common sense to fall out of the sky. “Yeah, where am I gonna put it? Can’t damage the table with the smudges. Plus, it’d start to smell.”

“I doubt the smell would even leak through the bandage.” He reaches behind him to retrieve the pillow located in the corner and tosses it to me. “Put that on there instead. No smudging or anything.”

I raise my eyebrows in skepticism. “Not with your sweaty self hogging it.”

He sputters out a laugh. “Hey, I literally just sat down. I haven’t done a damn thing yet.”

“Not that I know of,” I respond, taking the pillow in my hands and relocating it to the table. Propping up my left leg, I would say it’s a little more comfortable, but the friction that results from the bandages doesn’t make it a current situation that would be considered desirable.

Continuing my awkward sitting position after readjusting the pillow, I reach for my hot chocolate and take a tiny sip. It’s not piping hot, but definitely warm enough to make my insides tingle. I can sense he’s watching me, waiting for a reaction. “It’s good,” I tell him. “You really underestimate your ability to be useful in the kitchen.” I put the cup back on the coffee table. “You’ve got potential.”

“I’ll have you know I wouldn’t be able to survive here if I couldn’t cook any of the bare minimum meals.” He leans his head on the back of the couch, giving me a good look at his side profile.

“Yet it’s ironic you don’t have bagels in the fridge,” I retort back.

“Would you let it go already?” Jimmy asks. “There’s plenty of other crap in there we can feast on.”

“Name one thing,” I ask.

I’m met with a turn of the head and a blank stare. “Beer.”

I can’t help but snort. “You are so unserious.” I fixate my focus on the TV.

“Hey, life’s too short to be uptight,” he retorts back. “We’re both aware of that by now.”

I drown out the sounds of Michael and Dwight less than 5 feet away from me. “Yeah,” I say quietly.

“I know I can seem a little controlling at times, but seriously, Abb, it’s because I care. Even when I give you a hard time. I’m just looking out for you.”

“I don’t need you to,” I feel the need to confirm.

“And I know that,” he says back, more in a cautious way. “But at least you have me in case you do need me.”

“But I-”

“I know you don’t. Just accept it, Abb, kay? You’re never getting rid of me.”

I cock my head. “Is that so?”

“Trust me. A year from now, I’ll invite you over and we can watch games together. Make a night out of it.”

Now I give him a side-eye. “And how do you think that night would end?”

He notices my interpretation of that sentence because his cheeks start to flush, just in the slightest, putting it mildly. “I, I didn’t-”

I interrupt him with a laugh. “Would you relax, dude? I know you didn’t mean it like that. Besides, I’ll probably have moved on by then, so I can just go jump another man’s bones.”

A large grin appears on my face as his mouth falters open. “Well.” He clears his throat. “Thanks for clearing that up.”

I nod. “You’ll have your girlfriend taking over the guest room anyway.”

“I wouldn’t be too certain on that yet,” Jimmy repeats for what I feel is the millionth time.

Shaking my head, I return my complete focus to the TV. “I’m still shocked you’re not cuffed yet.”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna die alone, that’s all,” he responds.

“Would you cut it out with that?” I exasperatedly sigh, rolling my eyes. “You’re gonna have someone. Trust me.”

He scoffs. “I’m supposed to trust you?”

I know to take that as a joke, so I do. “Hey, if I had someone, you can, too.”

Now it’s Jimmy’s turn to shake his head. “It’s not that easy.”

I reach for my hot chocolate and take a sip. It’s already lukewarm, but I don’t care. “Tell me about it,” I say in agreement.

We spend a little while watching TV in silence, giving ourselves time to somewhat decompress. I feel it’s something we haven’t been able to do together recently. I’m glad we get the chance to now.

As I’m cleaning out my mug in the sink after sitting for so long, I come up with a question to ask him. “Do you know what you’re doing for Halloween yet?”

I hear him sucking in a breath over the running water. I catch his response as I turn it off. “I don’t, no,” he says in that monotone voice of his. “I don’t really care about Halloween.”

“I don’t care either, but we’re still planning on going out, right? Or do you wanna just sit in the apartment and watch ‘Hocus Pocus’?” I hold the soapy mug in my hand and turn around to see his swiveled head facing me.

“I mean, I’m all good with ‘Hocus Pocus,’ he says. “Not like we’re gonna get trick-or-treaters anyway.”

“You’re not gonna stop from buying yourself the mini Snickers, are you?” I flash him a tight-lipped, devious grin.

The beginning formation of his smirk emerges. “No. No, I’m not.”

I finish rinsing out the mug and put it back in the cabinet. I trudge along the floor, dragging my bandaged foot along. I stand in the space that I consider the overlap of the kitchen and living room as Jimmy stands up and takes the remote with him, muting the TV before turning to look at me again. He gestures down to my foot. “We’ll revisit that in a few hours, okay? If it starts to itch or it’s to the point where you can’t move it or even walk, you have to let me know.”

I deter my focus to the movement on the television. “I don’t want another ER trip,” I tell him, not quite looking at him in the eye.

“We will if you can’t move it,” he says, turning around and taking the pillow from the coffee table and tossing it back on the couch. “Just keep it elevated, change the bandaging every 3, maybe 4 hours, and we’ll go from there. It’s a temporary fix.”

I cast a sad gaze over to his line of sight. “Yeah. Could’ve been prevented, too.”

Not giving him the opportunity at having the last word, I slightly hobble toward my room, shut my door, and hop over to my bed and elevate my foot on yet another pillow, wishing I had a strong enough painkiller to knock me out, literally and perhaps figuratively, out of this current, irreversible state.

-----

The locker room is in high spirits after an opening night win. Everyone’s smiling, cracking jokes, raising the volume on the Bluetooth speaker to its highest altitude, secretly in hopes we all suffer from temporary hearing loss.

I happen to be the only one staring across at his locker, wishing he would be here to celebrate with us.

I know he’s here. Just not in the way I want him to be.

Everyone, for the most part, has already showered and changed back into their arrival outfits. I’m sitting in my uncomfortable heels, waiting for Jimmy to be finished with his shower so we can drive home. I’m too exhausted to shower here, and besides, I feel more comfortable doing it in an actual bathroom. It’s not like anyone’s gonna accidentally walk in on me, but I would rather not entertain the thought.

The room starts to become quieter as some of the guys start filtering out, going to meet up with their girlfriends/wives and go home with them. Can’t imagine how that feels anymore.

And so it leaves me and the rest of the staff, quietly perusing around, collecting the jerseys, the towels, anything that could’ve been dispersed during that celebration. I lean back in my stall and wait for him to emerge from the back hallway. Although, I could just take his keys and go sit in the Jeep until he’s done. It saves me the aggravation, along with my sanity.

It’s only a few short moments that I hear footsteps emerge from said hallway, but the voice doesn’t match Jimmy’s. “What are you still doin here?” It asks me.

I force myself out of my slumping sitting position and turn my body and am met with Will. In terms of nicknames, I call him Kool-Aid Man. It’s kind of a take on his last name, but I thought it was funny, so I kept it.

“Waiting for Jim,” I say, watching him walk across the locker room to his stall.

“Yeah, he just got out. Shouldn’t be too long.” He starts sorting through his gear bag.

A quick moment of silence. I don’t talk to Will often, but from what I’ve picked up on, he’s a nice guy, and he has a cat. I haven’t met him, but from the pictures I’ve seen, you can tell he’s adored and cared for. It’s almost a mutual bond, I guess? Like, we’re there for each other, but not in the way Jimmy and I are.

“You played great tonight,” I speak up, shifting in my stall.

Will looks in my direction, sitting in his stall and bending down to put on his socks. “Thanks,” he says. “So did you.”

I give him the tiniest bit of smiles. “How have you been holding up, you know, with everything?”

He seems a little taken aback by the question. “I mean, it’s still sad, don’t get me wrong,” he starts, “but we’re gonna work with it.”

I am so glad he said work with it rather than work through it. Now that’s a man careful with his words. Jimmy could learn a thing or two from him.

I nod. “Yeah. Just gonna take a little while.”

He stands up, walking away from his side of the locker room. “You want me to hang with you until Jim comes out?”

“No need for that,” a different voice protrudes, more clicking of dress shoes against the carpet. “Thanks, though, man.”

Will nods. “Sure thing. You, uh, you guys get home safe, ‘kay?”

“Of course,” Jimmy says before I even get the chance to. “You too.”

And with that, Will leaves, no look back or anything. “Night!” I hear him yell while down the hallway.

I stand up and wince in the slightest existence of pain. It’s mainly coming from my feet and these goddamn shoes. Grabbing my purse and phone, I stand up. “Now can we go?” I cock my head toward the open door.

Jimmy looks at me like I have five heads. “Yeah, Abb. We can go.” He says it with a combination of impatience and sarcasm. I can’t tell which way he’s leaning.

“OhmyGod, we can?” I retort back. “I thought you were gonna leave me here!” I dance across the carpet in my heels, exiting the locker room and speedwalking down the somewhat dark hallway, waiting for him to catch up as we head down toward the parking garage.

“When are you gonna fuck off with that shit?” I hear him say from behind me.

“When you stop threatening to do it,” I answer back. 

I don’t hear a witty response come from him. Haha, gotcha!

The temperature literally plummets as we approach the garage, and the first thing that stands out is a gray Jeep parked underneath one of the lights. It’s shining the brightest it can that it almost blinds me.

The door unlocks and we both get into our respective seats. I listen to the engine turn over and voices of a late-night radio show make their presence known over the display screen. I find it oddly soothing.

With our luck, the garage doors haven’t closed yet, so we’re able to leave easily and grace the streets of Manhattan with our presence. Even though it’s after 10:30pm. Even though I’d rather be falling asleep.

Next to him.

As he’s touching my face. As he’s running his hand through my hair.

As I get to see his smile appear on his face, so soft and reserved, like it’s just for me.

As we talk for as long as both our minds can function before we pass out.

And I can wake up the next morning to remember he’s still sleeping next to me, quiet as a mouse, feet outstretched over the end of the mattress.

As I watch him sleep until he wakes on his own.

Then he finally wakes, presses a sleepy kiss to my head, and we both agree to have breakfast.

And we’ll chat some more and eat before he leaves to go back to his apartment.

But now, I can’t do that.

I mean, I could. 

But as it’s already been known, that relationship is irreplicable.

For right now, I’ve found comfort in that.

I walk through the apartment door and the first thing I do is take off my heels and painfully walk across the floor into my room, flinging them into my closet and taking a random T-shirt off a hanger and a random pair of sweats from the drawer. Walking on my tippy toes at this point, given the status of the heels of my feet and its red, sore, already breaking out into blister areas, there’s not much I can do to relieve the pain I’m feeling, both physically and emotionally.

I’ve stepped one foot onto the bathroom floor before realizing I forgot underwear. Shit.

I turn around and somewhat lose my balance, the peeled skin on my heel making contact with the wall, as I yelp out in agonizing pain, tears probably about to brim my eyes.

The sound of footsteps emerges out from the room next door. Jimmy’s already changed into his pajamas. His hair is pretty much setting the standard for bedtime too. He looks down at my foot and then back at me. “You’re bleeding.”

I just stand there.

He reaches past me to turn on the bathroom light, pointing to the toilet seat. “Go sit,” he says.

I oblige on his behalf because I really don’t think it’s necessary to piss him off right now. I hobble into the bathroom, sitting down and lifting up my foot.

The cabinet underneath the sink opens and he reaches in, pulling out a washcloth and bending back up to turn on the water, running it cold until it’s at least halfway damp. The faucet handle turns off and he crouches down again, taking my foot in his hands, like he’s trying to fit Sleeping Beauty’s missing glass slipper on me, given with how gentle he’s being, dabbing the blood off my heel and any excess that might’ve trickled down the rest of it.

I grip my hands on the toilet seat. Not too tightly, but not too light, either. I can feel my knuckles protrude out of my hands.

“You okay?” He looks up at me, the light providing such a nice, comforting shade to his eyes.

I shake my head. “This shit just never fucking ends. I’ve busted up both feet now.”

Jimmy scoffs. “You can still put them to good use.” He drops the washcloth on the floor and goes back into the cabinet, emerging with witch hazel and a cotton ball. He shakes the bottle and lets a couple drops fall onto the cotton ball, pressing it to my foot, and I can feel the right side of my body flinch as it reacts to the stinging sensation.

“You’re okay,” he says quietly, reapplying the cotton ball with more witch hazel to tend to the other blisters on that foot before moving to the other one. “Just take a breath for a minute.”

I breathe in through my nose, but I don’t let it escape my mouth. I don’t want him to see that side of me right now. I’ve already had too much weakness escape my body at this point.

The stinging continues to shine on both my feet. “It really hurts.” I can’t help but have that developing lump in my throat transform into a voice crack.

“I know, I know.” He reapplies more witch hazel. “Doing so good, yeah? Almost done here.”

I groan. “You’re taking forever.”

He laughs. “You really want these things to become blood blisters? You’ll be in immeasurable pain that you won’t be able to sleep tonight.”

“It’s already past 11,” I tell him. “I’m not getting any damn sleep.”

“Well, it’s a good thing we’re off tomorrow,” he says. “I’ll remind myself to let you sleep in.”

I can feel a grimace slide across my face. “Good. You don’t wanna be around a cranky Abby.”

He visibly retaliates. “Oh, trust me, I’ve already dealt with her. She’s not that nice.”

That causes me to crack a smile. “Yeah, I don’t think I’d wanna meet her.”

The witch hazel makes its way back into the cabinet and out comes the bottle of aloe vera. “Everything else about her is great, though.”

I smile again, then look down at the aloe vera, and then back to him. I give him a dumbfounded look. “Really?”

“You’re gonna be uncomfortable all night if you don’t get some relief. Come on. Bare with me here. The hard part’s over.”

What’s the hard part in this scenario?

The same routine is executed, only this time, I feel more relieved as the cool gel travels over my blisters that I’m almost convinced I can sink deeper into how I’m sitting. It feels so nice, so relaxing. 

I can feel him staring at me. “Better?” he says, with a little bit of hesitancy in his voice.

I nod. “Yeah.” I take a pause. “Thank you.”

He puts away the aloe vera and shuts the cabinet door. “No need.” 

As he stands up and leaves me alone in the bathroom, I feel like I have to call out for him to get his attention.

Only for him to come back with my pajamas that I forgot were sitting on my bed. He stands in the doorway, only crossing over a few inches. I reach out my hand so I can take ownership of them. I look up. “I forgot underwear.”

He laughs, stepping back out and I hear the sounds of him rummaging through my drawers, once again coming back with a pink pair of undies, hanging them in front of my eyes, moving it like a pendulum.

I rip it out of his hands, throwing it underneath my sweatpants. “Bet that’s the first time you ever did that, huh?” 

He shrugs with that sarcastic body posture of his. “Just wanted to see how it felt.”

I stand up from the toilet seat and walk the short distance to the tub, turning on the water, waiting for it to warm up. “Get out of here.”

He puts his hands up in self-defense, slowly backing up and out of the bathroom. “Let’s not have you fall in there. Now that would be an embarrassing ER trip.”

I sigh, rolling my eyes. “Don’t put it out there. He could be listening.”

With his large hand leaning on the doorframe, he leans in while his body is fully out in the hallway. “He always is.” I’m met with yet another wink from him, and off he goes into his room, shutting the door.

The water starts spewing out of the shower head and I quickly undress so I can get this done quickly, given how it’s almost midnight, and to save myself the pain that my feet will be experiencing. God, they’ve really taken a brunt recently.

Turns out when you take a lukewarm shower, it doesn’t really hurt too much. I rush through my routine because if I’m being honest, I just want to go to bed. I just want to sleep. I just want to escape through the use of my own head.

And it can’t happen any quicker if I take forever. I turn off the water and carefully step out so that I don’t trip. Reaching for my towel on the sink,  I dry off and change into my pajamas, moisturize, reapply aloe, brush my hair, and clean off my glasses before turning off the bathroom light and opening the door, standing in the middle of the doorway. It’s completely dark, the only light illuminating from the streetlights outside. I turn my head to the right. His door is closed and the lights are off. 

I’m not mad. I didn’t expect him to wait up anyway. As a matter of fact, I don’t really expect much from him at all.

I walk blindly into my room. Luckily, it’s easier to see since I forgot to close my curtains and I’m guided by another streetlight. I toss my towel into my laundry basket, along with my outfit, and across the room to pull my curtains toward each other, submerging myself in all black. I always had a tiny nightlight in my room. Ever since I’ve been staying here, I’ve adjusted without one. I think it’s ironic. I gotta grow up.

I brought a bag of cotton balls and the bottle of aloe vera with me so that God forbid I have to reapply throughout the night, I don’t have to make several trips. I place them on my nightstand and it knocks over my picture frame onto the floor. I pick it up and turn it around.

I feel like I just got hit by a truck again.

It’s still our picture of us at the football game. 

I thought I put that away. I thought I buried it with all his things.

God. Have I really been oblivious this entire time?

How the hell could I have forgotten it was there?

I guess you could say I’m moving on a lot quicker than I thought I was.

I’m not sure if he’d be too thrilled about that.

Me? 

Well. Let’s just say it’s necessary.

Instead of going over to my closet and putting the picture in his box, and instead of putting it in the accompanying nightstand drawers, I let it spin on the floor underneath my bed.

Eventually, it’s going to collect dust.

Primarily, that’s the entire purpose.

--------

I’ve smudged my lipstick for the third time now. Being confined to the bathroom is not really fun anymore. I want to go all out. After all, it is the scariest day of the year.

Halloween.

Like Jimmy, I’ve never been a huge fan of the holiday. I guess my dislike started several years ago. I don’t know. I just find it a little boring. I can’t go trick-or-treating anymore, so for the past two years, and what’s about to be the third, I resort to the second option.

Parties.

And again, I’m not even a fan of parties. They’re overstimulating, too crowded, difficult to maintain a conversation when a bunch of other people keep infiltrating in it, too much alcohol (in this case, it’d have to be consumed in moderation), and I would always feel bad for Ryan because I would, 75% of the time, cling to him all night. He didn’t mind it. He swore he didn’t. Unfortunately, I got one year out of that.

I’ve already found who I’ll be clinging to this year.

I’m startled by a knock at the door. “You okay in there?” 

“Yep!” I say over the other side. “I’m almost done.”

“Hope so,” Jimmy nags. “Laf’s gonna be here in 20 minutes. You know how he doesn’t really like waiting around.”

“Then I’ll blame him if I end up ripping my costume if I’m being rushed,” I answer back.

“It just occurred to me that I have no idea what your costume is,” he says. “You never even told me when you came back from Spirit Halloween.”

“I think that was the whole point,” I say, moving to applying my foundation. “The element of surprise.”

“Is it gonna cause me to have a stroke?”

I laugh. “Nah. It’s not that great anyway. Kinda a last resort thing.”

“I see.” I hear his footsteps depart from the door, but he’s still talking. “I’ve already got mine.”

I furrow my eyebrows in the mirror. “And what are you dressed up as?”

“The element of surprise,” he mocks back. 

I ignore that retort and concentrate on getting my makeup done and to the best extent I possibly can. The hair is already done, courtesy of the curling iron. The costume is already on. I’m not wearing it to impress anyone. That is not the goal this year. I would’ve loved to get Ryan’s reaction out of it. He probably wouldn’t be able to function, stealing those glances all night, and wanting to act on it once the party ended. 

I don’t think we’d be able to escape the car unscathed from that aftermath.

Staring at myself in the mirror, I decide my effort is at its best and I put all my makeup back in my container and put it in the cabinet underneath the sink. I look at the costume from every angle. On the one hand, it does not feel like me. But on the other hand, it feels like an entirely new version of me.

I think I’m willing to embrace it now. 

And so I begin that by opening the door and turning the light off, hearing the sounds of my boots clobber across the floor and stopping near the couch. I look over, but I don’t find Jimmy there.

Instead, I find him sitting on the miniature couch by the fireplace in the corner. It’s not turned on, so I just analyze his crooked yet relaxed posture before I see his head whip around and look at me straight in the eyes. That ‘deer in the headlights’ look is easily reflected. He finally sputters out a sentence. “That is not a last resort costume,” he says, almost along the lines of disbelief.

Giving him a smug smile back, I walk over to the kitchen counter. “Surprise.”

I’m a witch. Yes, that sounds incredibly unoriginal, incredibly boring. The costume get-up, however, is not.

A set of fishnet tights, thigh-high black boots, long-sleeve black coquette mini dress, and a black wool knit witch hat. Of course, I can’t forget my broom. That, however, is not black. I decided to put some life into my costume, so it’s purple. I finally nailed the makeup look. It’s not totally heavy, but recognizable enough.

I’ve still got the man gawked. I look over at his costume. I laugh once again. “What are you supposed to be?” 

He’s able to speak again, gesturing toward his costume. “I’m Harry Potter.”

And I laugh even harder once he admits it. “That is - that is too good.” I cover my face with my hands. “It’s so you. Like, combination of literal nerd and movie nerd. I love it.”

I can’t tell if he’s taking whatever I’m saying seriously. He’s currently hard to read. “I’m so glad you do,” he says, standing up and walking over to the counter. He retrieves a pair of round, brown glasses and puts them on.

Now it’s my turn to gawk again. I have never seen the man wear glasses. I won’t verbally admit it, but he does not look bad in them. Not in the slightest. I wouldn’t mind if he kept them around. “Okay, now you’re just cosplaying as a nerd,” I say while turning around, heading back to my room to grab my broom, phone, and purse.

“Is that what it is?” I hear Jimmy shout.

I emerge back into the kitchen. “That’s exactly how it’s always been.”

I receive an eye roll in return, a sarcastic one, and I linger back by the counter, hoping we can leave sooner rather than later. I feel we’ve just unlocked a new level of awkwardness. 

“You think you would’ve done a matching couples costume this year?” he asks. He takes off the glasses.

“Maybe,” I tell him honestly. “Would’ve been a lot more fun.”

“Hey, we could’ve matched.”

I lower my stare at him. “No. That’s just weird.”

He seems a little let down by that statement, but it’s true. I don’t want to go out in a public setting somewhat having similar costumes and then everyone else around us starts to speculate. Not only would we be uncomfortable, but it would come with nonstop talk. I don’t want that for me, or him.

“Sorry. It’s just-”

“I know,” he replies. “You don’t gotta explain.”

I’m not sure whether to give him a tiny smile, but I force myself not to, and once I hear Jimmy’s phone alert us with a notification, me going under the assumption that Alexis’s waiting outside, I bolt out the door and leave him there alone. I’m looking to prevent an argument that we don’t need.

I make my way in the elevator, go down the 4 floors, and walk quickly out of the apartment entrance area and out into the parking lot, where I notice a large black Cadillac and hear an elongated honk, scaring the crap out of me as I walk toward it. 

I put my hand on the passenger door handle and open it, hoping I claim full ownership of the shotgun position. But when I fully swing the door open, there’s someone already sitting there.

It’s Will. He flashes me a surprised look. “Hey, Abb!” he says with a surprisingly large amount of enthusiasm. For all I know, he could be buzzed. “Love the costume.”

I keep my hand gripped on the door handle. “Thanks. I, uh, I didn’t know Laf was, uh, driving you.” That’s my cue to look over at Alexis in the drivers seat.

“Yeah, it was a last minute thing,” Alexis says. “Figured I got room anyway, so why not? That’s okay with you, right?”

I nod. “Yeah. yeah, that’s okay.” I take a pause. “What are you guys supposed to be?”

“I’m an axe thrower,” Will says. “My axe, well, I should say, my fake axe, is in the trunk.”

I think that’s a great fit for him. Not trying to stir the pot or anything, but he does have nice arms.

“I’m Mario,” Alexis deadpans, and I laugh for what feels like the third time in the last 15 minutes.

“That is honestly such a great idea,” I say. “It suits you. I can actually see the vision.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’m gonna win best costume of the night,” he responds. “Although you might be a close contender for second place.”

I nod. “Second is the best, so…” I trail off.

“Anyway, you can hop on in,” Alexis tells me. “Where the hell is Funny?” That’s his nickname for Jimmy.

“He’s coming,” I say as I shut Will’s door and open the one that leads into the back. I take the seat behind him and shut it, putting down my broom and resting my phone and purse in my lap. For whatever reason, I start to feel the tiniest bit anxious. I’m not sure if I’m able to explain it. I think it’s because this is the first major holiday I don’t get to celebrate with him. Thanksgiving next month is probably going to be even worse.

If I can go all night without thinking of him (well, actually, most of the night), I’ll be able to say that I had fun.

The three of us see Jimmy making his way toward the car, motioning over to my side and opening up the door to see me already sitting there. “Oops,” I tell him sarcastically.

His ‘deer in the headlights’ look has regained full control on his face, and so without saying anything, he shuts it and walks over to the other side, opening up the left door. He steps in and shuts it closed. “What’s up, Laf?” 

“And me,” Will chimes in from the passenger seat.

A perplexed look becomes evident on Jimmy’s face. “Oh, hey. I didn’t even know you were in here. My bad.”

“All good,” he says casually. “Let’s go have some fun.”

Alexis shifts the car into drive and we leave the parking lot and out onto the street, where it’s already busier than usual. Nothing beats holiday traffic in New York City, I’ll tell you that much.

We engage in casual conversation while driving to the bar. Actually, it’s more of the men in the car than myself. I can feel the twinge of sadness starting to kick in. I have to keep reminding myself: Do not let this ruin your night.

Mustang Harry’s is having a Halloween party. Dinner, dancing, a costume contest, music, the whole thing. It’s been one of our go-to spots for awhile now. It never disappoints. Tonight should be no different.

As we make our way there, barely moving steadily in the traffic congestion, Alexis pipes up from the drivers seat. “Obviously, I’ll be the DD tonight, so if you guys wanna go ahead and drink, you can. Just don’t get too drunk to the point where you’re gonna vomit everywhere, technically in here, because, well, that’s obviously no fun. But yeah, I ain’t stopping ya.”

My entire body tenses. I’m not sure if Jimmy can sense it since he’s sitting right next to me, but I might just jump out of the car right now. That’s if I had any willpower.

“I don’t drink anyway, so it doesn’t apply to me.” It comes off a little harsh.

It’s quiet for a few seconds before Alexis responds. “Fuck, Abb, I’m sorry. It was - It was just a general statement. Just throwing it out there.”

“I know,” I huff. Then I sigh loudly, more embarrassed than pissed off at myself. “It’s fine. I’m sorry for copping an attitude.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Will interjects. “We’re not gonna hold it against you.”

“I’m so glad,” I say sarcastically. “Better that no lives end tonight out of all nights.”

And now I’ve initiated the silence for the rest of the drive, but luckily, it’s not too long of suffering as we’re able to find a spot on the street and park a couple blocks down, getting out of the car and walking together into the bar. Well, restaurant/bar, if you’d like to be precise.

It’s a little after 6, so it’s not incredibly packed yet, so I guess you could say we beat the rush. The four of us stay together as we head toward the back in search of our table. We notice that nobody else has arrived yet, so we make ourselves comfortable in our booths, me and Will on one side and Alexis and Jimmy on the other. I don’t know what is going on with Jimmy’s face, but he does not look happy to be here.

Or is it because he’s not happy that a certain someone is?

I try to distract myself through the menu. “Are we waiting for everyone else to get here to order?” I ask.

“I’m not waiting,” Alexis says, opening the menu flaps, scanning it with his eyes from top to bottom. “They’ll catch up. They’re not missing out if they’re late, anyway.”

I nod, thankful I was able to receive that answer back because I am starving. I’m unsure of what to order. There are so many good options. They even have a personalized menu for Halloween, so it’s only fitting if I stick to that. The ambience of this place is incredible, like I’ve transported to another world.

Our server comes by and takes our drinks and appetizers order. We plan on starting out light so we’re not already halfway through our meal once they get here. Besides, it gives us extra time to talk before we’ve got 20 other conversations going on at the same time and I can’t even fixate on one.

I take a sip of my water before attempting to begin said conversation. “How’s Vinny treating you, Will?” I turn to look at him. “I’m surprised he hasn’t sent you on your way yet.”

He laughs. “No, he’s definitely gonna be doing it at some point. The hospitality is great, though. Seriously. They treat me well, I’ve got my own room, feels like I’ve been accepted into their family, kinda like a big brother. Something to that effect.”

“You looking around the area?” I continue. “What’s your ideal situation, like an apartment, condo? Gonna go bold and buy an entire house?”

“He’s probably gonna buy the place in the busiest part of Tribeca,” Alexis jokes. “He’s the one to love all the noise.”

Another laugh escapes from Will’s mouth. “Yeah, I’m not really sure yet. I mean, an apartment would be ideal, but rent is outrageous nowadays. And a condo would be where I just buy it immediately and it’s mine forever, but then you have those HOA fees-”

“Tell me about it,” I interject. “They’re ridiculous, but it covers heat, air conditioning, uh, cable, electricity, and when you can’t even make it out the front door once you’ve been buried in a billion feet of snow, they come and shovel it for you. Same thing goes with raking leaves. And if something breaks, or stops working suddenly, they come and fix it. Of course, you’d have to pay for it, but you don’t have to go out of your way to call someone outside of the area. It’s honestly pretty convenient.”

“You got a condo?” Will asks.

“I do. It’s great. I love it.”

“If you loved it, you’d be living in it,” Jimmy finally speaks, his lips engulfing the rim of his beer. 

So, looks like it’s gonna be one of those nights.

Why does he do this? Why does he HAVE to do this? Why does he have to ruin EVERYTHING?

“Oh, that’s right,” Will says, pointing to me and then Jimmy. “You guys are living together.”

“Yup,” I muster.

“How’s it goin with that?” Damn. He sure loves to ask questions.

I open my mouth. “It’s fine-”

“I got an upcharge in my rent to pay for an extra room, but other than that, we’re tolerating it.” 

All I can do is give him a quick little death glare. Tolerating it? 

That’s one way to say you hate this arrangement. Good to know.

I return to spinning my straw in my water cup, reminding myself that he might be the tiniest bit affected by the alcohol right now. Not that it’s a huge deal if he drinks 1 beer, but if it becomes, let’s say, ten, his judgment is already impaired beyond belief.

Do not, my mind tells me, Do not let him prevent you from having fun tonight. 

“My apartment’s great,” Alexis jumps in, saving me from going to strangle Jimmy across the table. “I mean, it’s only me, but I love the complex.”

“Have you talked to your neighbor?” Jimmy vocalizes. “You know, the one that took Ryan’s apartment?” He shoots me a look.

“I have,” Alexis says, a little haltingly, looking over in my direction as well. “He’s a good dude. Quiet, responsible, we talk every so often whenever I’m there for longer than 2 days at this point.”

“Should’ve invited him here,” says Jimmy. “I’d like to know how he’s revamped the place.”

My heart stings.

“Yeah, I actually haven’t been inside it ever since he moved in, so I can’t really vouch for that,” Alexis responds. “But what I can tell you is that he does have a girlfriend, so he probably couldn’t have done that much.”

“You ever hear them fuckin around?” Okay, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him? He points to me. “You ever heard them fuckin around when she’d be over?” 

Alexis’ face, which is already red to begin with, invents a whole new shade of crimson. I can guarantee it’s because he’s embarrassed for me. “Uh, no, not really, to answer both questions. Most of the time, the three of us would hang out together, so…”

“Oh, yeah, I completely forgot about that.” Jimmy taps his fingers on the empty bottle. “Just wanted to rub it in, for what I can infer.” He stops a waiter walking past our table. “Could I get another beer, please?” 

“Absolutely,” the waiter responds joyfully, walking away.

“I heard the places in Flatbush are nice,” Will speaks, coming in to save the day. Thank goodness. “Maybe I’ll look for something around there.”

“Good,” Jimmy says. “Don’t forget to take her with you.”

I furrow my eyebrows. “Why would I move somewhere when I’ve already got my own place?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe so he can accompany you the next time you have to visit the ER.”

I stare in disbelief. I’ve never seen this side of him, consumed with beer, unable to articulate a rational thought.

By the grace of God, our appetizers make our way to the table, and we each order our entrees. I’m fortunate enough to occupy my mouth with chicken wings so I don’t have to react the way I want to.

And as if I couldn’t be any more grateful, a second group of the team shows up, making their way over to where we’re sitting. “What’s up, guys!” I hear Adam say, giving everyone at the table a quick fistbump.

I turn my head to look up and see Tate, to which I automatically break into a smile and stand up, giving her the tightest hug I possibly can. “It is so good to see you!” I exclaim with glee. “I love your costume!”

“Thanks!” Tate responds, pulling back from the hug. “Yours looks amazing!”

“I’m so glad you think so,” I say, batting my eyes back at Jimmy.

She takes the end seat at the table next to us so that we’re still able to talk, and Adam sits across from her. The rest of the squad chooses where they’d like to sit. Braden and his fiancė, Key and his girlfriend, Fil and his girlfriend, Chris, Mika, and Kaapo are the second and final arrival of the night. Everyone else decided to stay home and spend Halloween with their families, perhaps taking their kids out trick-or-treating.

“I thought you guys were gonna wait!” Adam says with joking accusation. He looks over at Alexis. “You liar!”

Alexis shrugs. “Should’ve gotten here at the time we told you, then.”

“God, traffic was insane,” Braden pipes up. “I’m sure it’ll be a lot better once we leave.”

“No one has a curfew, right?” says Jimmy.

Everyone bursts out into laughter, accepting that question as a joke. “Fuck on outta here, man,” Mika replies. 

Jimmy puts up his hands in self-defense. “I’m just sayin, Abby’s got a bedtime of 11, so we gotta make it speedy so that I don’t have to deal with her crankiness tomorrow.”

A few joking laughs sputter around here and there. None of them come from me.

------

A little over an hour later, everyone’s indulging in their meals, happy and content. Conversation bounces from table to table, but given with how loud it’s gotten, we stick to the people we can speak to without having to shout across. 

It is so difficult to even carry on a dialogue when Jimmy just finds any single way he can to interrupt it. He doesn’t even have a good reason. He’s sticking out like a thorn in my side. I’m this close to pulling it out and throwing it straight at his eye.

So I don’t give him the attention that he wants. He’s had 3 whole bottles of beer, but he’s starting to settle down and reach for the water instead. I guess he wants to be in a somewhat conscious state of mind for when I decide if I’m going to rip him a new one by the time we get home, whenever that will be.

I just focus on maintaining conversation with Alexis and Will. I can tell they’ve caught up on what Jimmy’s trying to do, but I guess for my sake, they won’t feed into it. They’ll just know it’ll piss me off. I mean, it already has. The trick is to let him keep doing what he wants without posing a reaction. I’d rather not see him win by giving credit to the glass Heineken bottles in front of him.

To burn off the food, we travel to the floor of the bar to prepare for dancing. It’ll be more of Halloween songs, obviously, but it’s not helping with how many couples costumes I’ve already seen. Just tune it out, Abby. Just tune it out.

One of the most iconic Halloween songs, “Monster Mash” by Bobby Pickett, emerges from the speakers, and it sends the crowd into a frenzy, everyone coming together to sing the lyrics and dance out of their minds.

Meanwhile, I hang out in the middle, just swaying from side to side, unsure of really how to dance in a crowd without looking like a total idiot. The rest of the team is behind me, Will on my right and Alexis on my left. I’m sure Jimmy’s vomiting in the bathroom stall.

“How am I supposed to dance?” I yell over to Alexis.

“What do you mean?” He shouts back.

“Like, what am I supposed to do?”

“Just let go!” He starts drifting further into the already cramped crowd. “Not too much, though!”

I roll my eyes, and before I can give him a sarcastic reaction back, he’s already gone. I turn to Will. “Havin fun?” I’m not even sure if he heard me.

“Totally!” He spits in my face, and I’m not even sure if he’s aware of it, but I shrug it off. “When they gonna play the good shit, though?”

I scoff. “They have been playing the good shit. You must have really terrible taste.”

His face breaks out into a complete smile. “My music taste is superior.”

“Is it?” I joke back. “You wouldn’t even move a muscle to ‘Thriller.’”

“Because it’s already overplayed as is,” he argues. “Everyone already knows it’s a classic.”

“That’s why you still dance to it!” It’s my turn to break into a smile. “Do you secretly hate Halloween or something?”

“Oh, I love Halloween,” he contradicts. “Favorite holiday of the year.”

I shake my head. “Wrong. Christmas.”

“No, you’re wrong,” he yells back. 

“We’re both wrong!” I admit happily. “There’s the silver lining!”

He playfully rolls his eyes, looking up past the crowd. “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell appears across the bar, and again, more positive reactions ring throughout. The floor starts to loosen up a bit. If I’m not mistaken, for whatever reason, this is apparently going to be the song all the couples will find a way to dance to. 

Well. At least I got this far.

“I guess you’re gonna be my partner,” Will says, snapping me out of my daze. “Unless you wanna sit out and wait for the next one.”

I shake my head. “Nope.” I grab him by the wrist. “We’re dancing.”

We look for some open space and start acting as stupid as we possibly can. The irony of the song is that someone’s supposed to be watching us, but actually, I think it’s quite the opposite.

He is so uncoordinated that it’s actually hilarious. I danced for 8 years and yet I forget how to do the basic spins. We go back and forth, not worrying that anyone is looking us. Since it’s Halloween, and the entire point of the day is to be dressed as someone you’re not, no one will consciously choose to remember what you said, what you did, or however terribly you danced.

It is, I’ll say, quite a freeing escape.

We’re still dancing by the time the song ends and another one comes on. It’s perhaps an old one because I’ve never heard it from what I can recall, but we don’t let it choose to affect us. It’s unfortunate that we start to lose our open space because the rest of the crowd starts to infiltrate back in. The air becomes a little stuffy, but nothing I can’t handle.

It also helps that the music is no longer blaring and blowing my eardrums and has become just the tiniest bit quieter; not by much, but to the point where I can actually hear people talk. I come in close contact with a few strangers, bouncing around and going a little crazy across the floor, making their way down to the furthest point they can. At this rate, you feel like you’re stuck in a mosh pit at a concert. Those things can really bring negative consequences if not addressed right away. Again, how ironic that they preach concertgoer safety and people could still end up hurt.

I’m taken aback by how close Will’s voice is in contact with my ear. “Can I guide you back a little bit?” He asks. “I feel like we’re gonna get trampled.”

I nod, semi-shouting over the speaker. “If you can find any piece of space, then yeah, do it.”

I wasn’t expecting him to grab me roughly by the hips and literally drag me back from where I was standing, so I exhale a hitched breath and turn around, determining if I should confront him, only to realize he wasn’t the one who dragged me.

You’re fucking joking.

“The fuck are you doing?” Jimmy yells over the speaker.

“Having fun!” I yell back in his face. “That’s what you wanted from me, right?”

“Yeah, he’s not fucking touching you, though,” he shouts, gesturing over to Will. I shoot him a confused look. He made it down further into the crowd with everyone else. He has no choice but to shoot me one back.

“Says who?” I retort.

Jimmy’s face changes between the red and orange LEDS. “You’re not dancing with him.”

“Oh, what the fuck do you know?” I try to push past him, but he’s still got his hands tightly squeezing my hips. “Let go of me.”

“Not if you’re going his way,” he says in a pissy tone. “Stay over here.”

“So that you’re not alone? Go mingle. Go bring home a pathetic woman to deflect your drunken state on.”

“That pathetic woman’s you,” he clarifies. “Would be a shame you’d move on so soon, huh?”

“Fuck off.” I attempt to get past him again.

He squeezes my hips so tight that I let out a painful cry. I try to free his hands, but they’re a lot larger and stronger than mine. “Stop telling me that.”

“Stop holding me hostage!” I yell. I’m surprised no one else can see this is going on.

I’m turned around and now pressed up along him, his arm draping over me. Not to mention, I can feel something else of his draping along my ass.

“You want me to fucking piss all over you, then?” I say, his head already dropped to the side of my ear.

“That wouldn’t be appropriate of you, would it?” The Heiniken bounces off his mouth. Yeah, he’s definitely had more since we left the table.

I turn and grab him by the ear, pinching it as hard as I possibly can and bringing his head down to my level. “Actually, yeah. It would be.”

That’s what causes to him to retract his hands from my waist, and with that, before he can even catch me, I sprint, quite literally channeling my inner Usain Bolt and heading to the bathroom, hoping I don’t throw up or even jump out the window, that’s if there is one.

I make it there unscathed and rush in, shutting the door and looking at the empty stalls. I could lock myself in one, but that means it’ll be forever before I choose to leave, so I pick the alternative and walk over to the sink and grip my hands on the side of it, looking down at the faucet, taking slow, deep breaths, trying to ground myself and hopefully not hit my head and pass out. When I have enough leverage, I turn on the sink and take off my glasses, rinsing my face in cold water several times before I dry it off, finally gathering courage to look at myself in the mirror.

My blush is all blotched, my mascara is droopy, my eyes look like they’re going to burst out of their sockets.

I take a few more breaths before I reach into my purse and see that Alexis tried to call me. I redial his number, hoping he’ll pick up, which he does. “Hey, you okay? Where are you?”

“I’m in the bathroom,” I choke out. “Why?”

“We’re uh,” he says over the loud crowd and music, “we’re gonna head out. Jim’s obviously a little buzzed.”

“A little? I think quite a lot,” I reply back.

“Want me to come get you?”

“No, I’ll find my way out,” I tell him. “Make sure he sits in the front, though. I do not want him puking all over me.”

“Will do. See you in a bit.”

I hang up and take one last look in the mirror, recollecting myself with a deep inhale and exhale before swinging the bathroom door open and maneuvering through the crowd, headed straight for the exit in hopes I don’t get pulled back by a random stranger.

By the time I get out and onto the sidewalk, relishing in the fresh air, the car’s already running, and I walk around into the street to get in on the driver’s side. I step on in and sit down, shutting the door and putting my seatbelt on, letting out a loud sigh. It’s a combination of frustration and relief.

Will’s next to me, with Jimmy in the front seat and Alexis obviously still driving. Jimmy’s got a water bottle in his hand, taking slow, cautious sips. “You’re gonna have to drink more than that,” I bark at him.

“Damn. You really do act like a fucking witch,” he slurs, only a little, before putting the cap back on. He rolls down the window and sticks his head out. Please tell me he’s not actually gonna vomit.

“I’m gonna drop you two off first,” Alexis says as he backs up and carefully pulls out into the street.

“Actually, you can just do me,” I say. “I don’t wanna deal with the aftermath of a hangover.”

“That’s a nice way of saying you love me,” Jimmy unnecessarily pipes up. “Reallllll nice.”

I roll my eyes and look out my window, concentrating on the music buzzing out of the radio.

“Remind him to not host Thanksgiving this year,” I say.

“Remind her that she won’t be on my list of things I’m thankful for,” Jimmy snaps back.

“Alright, Jim, cut it out,” Alexis says. “Drink your water, will ya?”

An unhappy gruff escapes his mouth, removing the cap and tilting his head back to drink.

My entire body jumps when Will lightly taps me on the arm. “You gonna be okay with him?” He whispers.

I nod. “I’ve been okay with him for 7 months. It won’t make a difference.”

“Unless you just wanna get dropped off with me, stay the night at Tro’s,” he suggests.

“Then who’s gonna look after him?”

He looks around like a lost puppy. “Laf can.”

I scoff. “Yeah, I’m not putting that burden on him. Thanks, though.”

“Yeah, you bet. Same goes for whenever you might need a break from him.”

“Oh, I need more than a break,” I hint.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asks. “Is that why he was all pissy?”

I give him an apologetic look. “Honestly, I can’t tell you. That’d be something you’d have to work out with him. Of course, when he’s in a better state of mind.”

“I can tell he’s very protective over you.”

I look over at the drunk man in the front passenger seat. “He doesn’t need to be.”

It’s a quiet ride back to the apartment. Alexis pulls up the closest he can to the entrance so we don’t have to walk too far. And by ‘we,’ I mean Jimmy not falling and stumbling over his two feet. Surprisingly, his ability to walk isn’t crazily hindered. It’s more of a shuffling and stopping every few steps, which causes me to stop too and keep him moving forward.

“You want us to come in with you?” Will yells from the car.

I turn around, grabbing hold of Jimmy’s wrist so he doesn’t run off. “No, we’ll be fine. See you guys tomorrow.”

“We’re just gonna wait till you get in,” Will calls out.

I flash him a thumbs-up without actually looking back and slowly yet surely make my way back to the apartment entrance. He’s picked up the pace, but still shuffling like an old man. It’s catastrophic how much beer caused an uptick in mood, and a downtick in actual fun being had. 

It’s almost as if it was his plan, so to speak.

I open the door and we walk into the entryway, hearing the car drive off. At this point, it just leaves me.

At the pace of a snail, we’re in the elevator, leaning back against the handrail, staring up at the fluorescent lights. I’m starting to get a headache, and it’s not because of him.

“Look,” Jimmy says lazily, gesturing to the water bottle. “I’m drinking it, Abb.”

I can’t even be given the strength to look at him. “Good for you,” I say nonchalantly.

“This shit is so good,” he states. “Have you ever had this before?”

“I have. It’s my favorite.”

The elevator doors open and I push myself off the handrail and walk out into the hallway, waiting for him to get himself out. “Do I gotta finish it?” He steps out onto the carpeted floor.

“We have practice tomorrow,” I remind him, walking ahead and up to the door. I insert the key in the lock and push the door to the apartment wide open, turning on the lights. “Unless you want the effects to linger for an extra day.”

He shuffles in behind me, shutting the door and remembering to lift the latch across. “Nah.” I hear him kick off his shoes, listening to them being scraped on the wood. “That would not be good.”

I still don’t turn to look back at him and strut toward my room, shutting the door and quickly removing my costume and changing into something more comfortable. I can’t stand to continue this façade.

I open the door and walk into the living room to see Jimmy leaning against the wall near the couch, holding the bottle by the cap. He sends me an uncertain facial expression. “What’s gotten into you, Abb?”

Smiling back, I take a deep breath. “You.”

“You what?”

“You’ve gotten into me.”

“I don’t think that means anything.”

I spread my fingers apart and bring them back to clench into fists. “So your goal wasn’t to sabotage me tonight? Your goal wasn’t to get semi-drunk and somewhat grind up against me?”

He sputters out a laugh. “The fuck are you talking about? I’m just trying to steer your direction.”

“Oh, yeah, Jim?” I wave my hands up. “Where do you not want me to go?”

“Will.” It comes out in such a gravel that I can’t help but think it’s true.

I laugh. “He’s my friend.”

“Didn’t look like that tonight.” He takes off his scarf that was apart of his costume, along with the black cloak. He’s now left in a black button-down and pants. It looks like I’m actually talking to him this time.

“Tryin to fuckin get in his pants from what I could see.”

The back of my eyes start to burn.

Abby, he’s drunk. He doesn’t mean any of this.

Then again, what’s the phrase? Drunk words are sober thoughts? 

I’m not sure what to believe.

“You have no right to even suspect that,” I point a finger at his face. “You are not in charge of who I can and cannot talk to.”

“Sure I am,” he shrugs. “I’m paying for everything, remember?”

I shoot my eyes up at the ceiling. “God, why does that have to play a factor?”

“Because it’s true. It’s my place. I make the decisions.”

“News flash!” I tell him, waving my hands in front of my face. “I’m an adult! I can advocate for myself, I can take care of myself, and I don’t need a bodyguard who chooses to decide when his little princess is being threatened.”

“He’s no good for you,” Jimmy spits out, pushing himself off the wall. 

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I’m sure he would’ve ripped off your tights before we even got back to the car.”

A large, wide smile, full of rage, temporarily replaces my frown. “You are-”

“Right?”

“Full of shit,” I correct him. “And drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” he argues, taking a long sip of water to where you can hear the plastic crinkle. Tilting his head back up, he says “Starting to feel better.”

I scoff. “Yeah, we’ll see.”

“Still fun though.”

I let out a sigh. “Yeah. I’m sure you had fun belittling me the entire time.”

“When did I belittle you?”

I tap my foot on the floor to show my impatience. “Let’s see. You basically admitted you don’t like that I’m living here, you’re trying to kick me out by having me go move in with Will whenever he’s around to looking for his new place, telling everyone you don’t want to deal with my bitchiness tomorrow morning because I’ll be out for too long, accusing me of moving on, calling me pathetic…” I take a breath. “And that’s not just from tonight. I can go back from March if you need me to.”

“You had to admit I was right about the moving on thing.” He unbuttons the cuffs on his shirt and the top button.

“Yeah?” I ask dubiously. “How so?”

“Because only a slut looking for a rebound would wear a provocative costume like that.”

There’s another example of belittlement to add to the list.

That one’s for sure not leaving my head. That’ll be the first thing I think about when I look at him from now on. He thinks I’m a slut.

There’s nothing. Nothing I can say.

“You’re a dick.”

“That’s all you can come up with?”

“Drink your fucking water.”

“I’m gonna need another one. This one’s almost gone.”

I turn to the fridge and open it, taking an unopened Poland Spring and shutting the door. I unscrew the cap, holding it by my fingers as I make my way over to him.

Jimmy reaches out for it. “Thanks.”

I don’t reciprocate his outstretched hand.

I squeeze the water out of the opening, shooting it like a water gun onto his face, watching it trickle down his chin and down his shirt. I continue that until it’s completely empty. He’s reasonably drenched. When he looks me in the eye, I see anger, a hint of enragement, but I don’t feel the need to run.

That closed smile of his appears across his cross-looking face. He whispers it loud enough in hopes that I hear it. “You fucking bitch.”

“I’ve heard that one before.”

His long index finger appears in my line of vision. “You got a reason?”

I look around the room aimlessly. “I don’t know. Maybe it was for the element of a surprise.”

That ticked him off enough to lunge toward me, probably in hopes he’ll grab me again, but I’m able to put my speed to the test and find a temporary solace behind the sink. “Don’t even think about it.”

“Or what?”

“Or I will call the cops to report a drunk and disorderly man that’s going ape-shit in my apartment.”

“It’s my apartment,” he seethes through his teeth. “None of this is yours.”

“Sure it’s mine. I’ve got my own bed, toothbrush-”

“I paid for the bed. You’re just taking up space.”

“I’ve heard that one before too.”

“Anyone ever tell you Ryan never loved you?”

I roll my eyes. “Anyone ever tell you no woman’s ever going to love you?”

Crickets.

“Take that back.”

“I will not,” I say confidently.

Crickets again.

“You know what, Abb?”

“What?”

He just stares.

“What you gonna do? Put your hands on me? Because I can call the cops on that too and charge you with assault.”

He continues staring.

“We can do this in two ways. You can do something you’re going to regret tomorrow morning, perhaps the rest of your life if it gets to that point, or you can change and sleep it off, and we can revisit this when we’re both calm.”

“I am calm.” How funny he says this as his veins are protruding out of his hands.

“You are?” I say, stepping away from the sink and moving around it to now stand in front of him, near the arm of the couch. “Then don’t react.”

I can feel his hand immediately attach to my wrist, probably in hopes he’ll break it off my arm.

“Let. Go.” It comes out hoarse.

“You’ve already done that,” he spits in my face.

I attempt to break free from his grip, but then again, it’s too strong. I would love to kick him in the you-know-where, but I’d figure that would cause more retaliation. Besides, it’s hard to do with only one way of leverage.

“And you never have,” I grit through my teeth.

“Doing better than you ever will.” I can feel my hand start to tingle.

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I would be doing better if you weren’t here.”

“You think I’m threatened by that?”

“I don’t think your ego can withstand any threats at this rate.”

I smile. “That’s so nice.”

“I get that a lot.”

“Do you?”

“Mm-hmm. I just tell everyone I live with a grieving, wilting, ugly scumbag.”

“And I live with a guy that’s only got 2 inches attached to him.”

“Well, it used to be 9, but I’ve lost one every month you’ve been here.”

“Wanna show me?” Whoa. Now that’s bold.

“You know I can’t consent under these conditions.” Fuck, he still figured it out. He’s not wrong, though. But to be clear, it’s a joke.

“But I can consent to being given bruises on my waist?” I lift up my shirt with my free hand, showing the tiny bumps he somehow managed to make from that action alone.

“I did that?” He reaches out to touch one before I take my free hand and back him into the corner of the sink, eliciting a thud from behind him, causing some deep breaths before he grabs me by the V-neck of my shirt.

“Let go,” I croak out of my mouth.

“Or what?” The beer smell has finally dissipated. Now, it’s just close to stone-cold sober words.

I turn around to think his hand will reluctantly remove itself, but that doesn’t work as he drags me back. “Or I will bruise you.”

“Go ahead and try with those petite hands, Ms. Whore. Let’s see if it’s gotten you-”

I take my free hand again and go to pinch his ear like I did before, bringing his head down. He doesn’t flinch.

“That doesn’t hurt,” he tells me.

“So then why is it getting red?” I ask.

“Beats me.”

“Damn right I could.”

He takes his hand off my shirt and steps to turn toward the sink and reach for his phone on the counter. I’m already there first, holding it in my hand. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

I wave a hand in front of him. “Relax. I’m not calling the police.”

I can hear Jimmy breathe a sigh of relief. “Good, cause-”

I launch it across the room where it slams into the wall and thuds on the floor. Deep down, I’m praying to God I didn’t break it. I don’t want that on my conscience, and I wouldn’t even be able to excuse that. I’m just so mad right now. I really am.

A feeling of thankfulness surges through me when I see his home screen light up, sending a notification. I’m not sure what, but that’ll be his problem later.

“It’s not broken,” I say, shrugging. “Might have a couple cracks, but still works.”

I didn’t even realize I was still staring at his phone on the ground that when I turn my head and see him up against my side, with honestly no other place to go.

“For Christ’s sake, Jim, it’s not-”

I can’t even finish the sentence as my brain short circuits with the feeling of him turning around and placing his entire hand on my neck and pressing down hard beneath my chin, digging his fingernails into the sides.

I slam my heel into the back of the chair and look straight at him. “Can’t,” I sputter out. “Can’t-”

“Can’t what?” He coos. “Can’t breathe? Can’t admit when you’re wrong?”

I cough in his face, only expelling out a tiny amount of air. “Choke-choking me.”

“I am?” The pads of his fingers drag along my neck. “So tell me.”

“Just-” I cough again. “Just did.”

My chest rises what I consider an abnormal height before I let out a wheeze. All he can manage to do is smile back. “What’s that saying? Karma’s a bitch or something like that?”

I wheeze again.

“Gonna call for help now? I don’t have a phone.”

I let out an unintentional cry. “Help me.”

“You want me to help you?” He laughs. From the sound of it, that’s not a drunk laugh. That’s a sober laugh. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

“Mur-Murder.”

“I’m not gonna kill you, Abb,” he says. “I mean, in an alternate universe, I could, doesn’t me I will. Well, not today at least.”

My eyes go wide. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t kill me.”

“You’ve already done that to yourself,” he lets out.

Suddenly, it becomes difficult to even inhale a single breath. I don’t wanna risk touching him, so I smack the counter with my hand three times. Then again. And again.

“Stop doing that,” he sarcastically coos. “You’re-”

I can feel my mouth part open as I feel saliva dripping out of it, staring straight into Jimmy’s eyes.

While at the same time, my eyes start to close.

“Abb?” He asks with alarm in his voice. “Abb, hey.”

I fail to answer as I feel myself slide down the side of the counter and hit my head, finding myself sitting on the floor, staring at the outline of his wet outfit with the outline of the brick fireplace taking shape in the corner. His hand instantly retracts off my neck and that’s when I’m sent into a coughing frenzy, feeling like my heart is going to travel up my throat and out of my mouth. I breathe quick and fast. It’s the onset of an attack.

The only difference is I actually can find someone who’s alive to blame.

He continues to sit in front of me, and I can tell by his widened eyes that he is fully aware of what he did. No excuse could make up for almost trying to kill me, quite literally.

Neither of us speak as I start to figure out my breathing pattern, slowing down and moving to sit on my knees, aware of the fact I’m sitting on my feet and I’m maintaining perfect eye contact level.

“Jesus, Abb,” he starts. “I, I don’t know what I was-”

I’m able to give him a taste of his own medicine of knowing how it feels to not be able to speak by taking advantage of no bondage and raising my hand, slapping him across the face, as I watch him bend his head down toward the floor.

He comes back up to look at me again. “Okay, I deserved-”

I take my other hand and slap the other side, watching him repeat the same action. By the time he looks up, both my hands are burning.

I can’t even bother to look up at him for another second before I stand up and move over to his side, extending my hand. “Can I help you now?”

Jimmy looks shocked that even those words are spewing out of my mouth. He stands up off the floor without taking my hand. “Yeah.”

Another incident swept under the carpet.

I motion him to go in his room, as he grabs the remnants of his costume and walks into the dark, turning on his lamp. I’m back in the kitchen, reaching into the top cabinet to retrieve a glass cup and the bottom cabinet to unscrew the Tylenol capsules, dropping two into my hand. I screw the cap back on, put it back in the cabinet, and shut the door. Standing back up, I fill the cup with lukewarm water from the sink because it’s what he deserves now. I walk over to his door and push it open after it moved to being close to shut, sitting on his bed, chin in his hands, running one of them through his hair.

Walking over to his nightstand, I put down the water and the caplets. He looks up to see them in his view, but before he can even thank me (that’s if he was going to), I’ve already shut his door and back into the kitchen to turn off the light before I look around in the dark.

He’s starting to go dark.

And I’m quite afraid that I am too. 

Before I barricade myself in my room, I remember his freshly cracked phone is still lying on the floor. I concentrate on my feet making their way across the cold wood and picking it up, examining it with the little amount of light I have. 

Dragging my finger across the crack, it starts from the top left corner and moves diagonally to the bottom right. I press the power button on the side just to double check it still works. His home screen lights up again. I breathe another sigh of relief for confirmation.

I carry it in my hand and move away from the wall to stand in front of his door. I don’t even bother knocking. I turn the handle and walk into his room. I know for a fact he wasn’t sleeping, but he’s lying down, probably just staring up at the ceiling. That’s a creepy thought to have.

I walk across the carpet and hold it out to him, hoping he’ll take it.

He does, without saying a word. I’m now able to see his face illuminated by the screen.

“I’ll get you a new screen protector,” I say quietly. Looking over to the nightstand, I can see he already took the tylenol. That’s one less thing I’ll feel the need to nag him about.

Jimmy makes contact with those stupid, dilated eyes of his. He doesn’t respond to that either.

And so I turn around and shut his door for the second time. Maybe on the third, it’ll be when we no longer have matching keys.

When that time does come, maybe we’ll no longer be resentful of each other.

[skeilig]

ooo could you elaborate on lalos contradictory traits?

oh certainly! part of what i meant was just, when writing fic, it's easy to fall into characterization traps like character A is outgoing and loud and impulsive! and you go too far in that direction and flatten them out, and basically I think Lalo is a very BALANCED character which is a better description than contradictory. But anyway, elaboration -- this got insanely long and i'm embarrassed so UNDER THE CUT

One, his outward extrovert-ism vs. the fact that he's pretty much a loner without many (any?) strong/close relationships. he acts all personable with everyone at the cartel pool party and especially Eladio but is clearly very insecure about his standing with Eladio (the extravagant gift, nervousness about how Nacho will come across) -- and then once he's betrayed he goes right to "FUCK ELADIO!" loll. It took him a while to warm up to Nacho and even once he did he still treated him more like a chauffeur than a friend... Hector is his closest relationship, and, well. that's pretty bleak. enough said.

+ as a sub-point, his loudness/talkativeness vs. silence, which is something i consciously remind myself of when writing him in fic. let him have moments of reticence and silence, and not always be talking because.. that's how he is in the show. Like his most famous scene is him mostly not saying anything. He's generally pretty moody and I like that these "contradictory" traits basically just depend on his mood, i think that's good character writing.

Two, impulsiveness vs. discipline. Moments of impulsiveness mostly arising from frustration, like when he road-rages the random guy in the parking lot, when he kills TravelWire Fred, arguably Howard, I guess we'll see how that plays out lol. But he's also able to exhibit incredible patience, and spend 4 days in a sewer watching a laundromat through binoculars and he only went slightly insane. and that time it was personal so imo the original all-day chicken farm stakeout is more impressive. he just did that on a whim, basically. wouldnt you kill for that level of focus and follow-through...

Three, and I've talked about this before, IS LALO ACTUALLY CHARMING OR IS HE JUST HOT AND LOUD?! does he actually CHARM people?! in most of his scenes he's interacting with people who already know who he is and therefore 1) are afraid of him and he enjoys making them squirm by being "nice" with a menacing undertone but everyone in the situation knows what's actually going on and it's not "charming," it's basically torture which is, to be clear, VERY hot and funny of him (this is most clearly evident in every jimmy scene), 2) if they're not AFRAID of him, then they're sick of his shit (gus, bolsa, nacho) and Lalo knows this, so he's also not really trying to CHARM them he's just being annoying on purpose, for sport. when he's interacting with people who don't know who he is, there are a couple instances of people finding him a little off-putting and possibly dangerous (fred travelwire got a bad vibe immediately LOL good instincts, also the one staff person at casa tranquila who apparently saw the evil depths of his eyes and got spooked), so i think the only actual instances of him CHARMING people are: Don Eladio*, Margarethe**, and some of the people from his hacienda (but this is sort of complicated since he also gives them MONEY/dental care.. so.) Anyway, we see people being weirded out by/scared of Lalo far more than we see them being charmed by him so I rest my case: Lalo is not ACTUALLY charming, he's just hot and loud.

*Eladio footnote: I think Eladio likes Lalo well enough but at the end of the day it's about money so it doesn't really matter how cute and funny Lalo is :/ I hope Eladio orders/signs off on Lalo's death, btw, this is my top choice ending for him.

**Margarethe footnote: I like to think Lalo overestimated his own ability to charm in this scene. He clearly was expecting to be invited in and WASN'T... he's so used to getting what he wants because everyone is afraid of him/being paid by him that he gets that confused with actual charisma. which he does not possess :/

ANYWAY, yeah, Lalo. he's so sexy and pathetic and weird and funny and off-putting and scary, everybody likes him but nobody loves him, he's the specialest guy in the world to me 🥰

[thehiddenmemoryuniverse]

Lucifer Ending: Tragedy and Contradiction

Okay, so I tried really hard to resist the urge to post anything about it, and I even held out for over a week trying to process/calm my feelings about the ending to Lucifer. I’ve tried, I really have, but the more I try, the more I CANNOT rationalize that ending. As you may have guessed, I absolutely hated the ending, and I just really, really, have to get my feelings out about it. If you liked the ending (I really wish I could be you!!), you may want to skip reading any further (I recommend you do, in fact). 

Ultimately, regardless of the details, that ending for Chloe/Lucifer is just way too heartbreakingly tragic and sad, however, this is made all the more unbearable because none of it makes ANY damn sense.  

I’m just going to start by pasting a bunch of quotes first:

2x05

Lucifer: I refuse to believe that. There is always another way.

Mum: If anyone can find it, it's you.

2x02 Chloe: “Doing what's best for your child, it doesn't always make them happy.”

3x16

Cain: But you're the Devil, you always keep your word.

Lucifer: I do. So I hope you understand how difficult a decision this was. And yet, oddly, the easiest I've ever made.

6x01

Lucifer: I love you, Chloe Decker. I'd do anything for you. Except give you up. Give us up.

6x09

Lucifer: I need you to know that if there is any choice to be had at all, I will always... choose us.

6x07

Rory: You make choices, Mom. If I told you what they are, you wouldn't really be making them any more.

Yeah. Not going to comment further on these right now. 

Nor am I going to even get into the whole fate vs free will. Regardless of your views on that debate, why on earth a show about free will spends its final season spotlighting the widespread, controversial debate of fate vs free will by introducing a time loop plot, I’ll never understand. 

But even if we forget the numerous issues/contradictions with that (and the ridiculous irony of Rory’s quote shown above), and accept that Lucifer and Chloe chose this, I honestly feel like screaming because WHY??? Why on earth would they EVER want to chose this? 

I know the 2 reasons given, the reasons everyone is speaking up with, the reasons expanded on at length in fanfiction, and I’ve tried really, REALLY hard to rationalize them in my head, tried to enjoy the sweet moments fanfic writers are trying to make of it, but I cannot. Because it doesn’t make any damn sense whatsoever to me.

Reason # 1: Lucifer never would’ve realized his ‘calling’ to help tortured souls in Hell.  

Right. First of all, if it really is his ‘calling’ he would figure it out eventually because that’s what a bloody calling is. I mean really. Not to mention there was plenty of evidence that he was figuring it out already, and him figuring it out after actually helping people in hell (Jimmy, Dan, Mr. Said out bitch), makes way more sense than stopping someone from making the mistake of killing someone else.

And second, even if we accept the argument that he wouldn’t find his calling, we are then saying that he chose his ‘calling’ over his own family, the people he loves most of all? That’s beyond awful to me. And pretty much destroys all of the growth and beauty and love and development across the series. A complete contradiction to even earlier in series 6. See above quotes. Lucifer tells Chloe he’d do anything for her, except give her up, give them up. He tells her if there’s ever any choice to be had he would chose them (his family). So, what the heck? Which leads me to reason 2, and beware with continuing because this is UNBEARABLY frustrating to me so I may get a bit heated. I just can’t. I can’t understand this.  Reason #2: They did it for their daughter, because she asked them to, because she didn’t want them to change her, because she’s happy with who she is, etc, etc..

This is the most widely accepted reason, the most referenced in fanfic, that it’s so beautiful because Lucifer and Chloe sacrificed everything for their daughter because they loved her so much.

I’m sorry, I really am, I tried so hard to make sense of this but it makes the least sense to me of all. 

Why on EARTH is Rory growing up without her father better for her? Why on earth would Lucifer, of all people, knowing the pain it causes, ever chose that for his daughter?

This is not sacrificing for their daughter, this is sacrificing for NOTHING at all. This is doing the ABSOLUTE worst for their daughter, all because she asked them to?

And her asking them to in the first place makes no sense either. Why on earth would Rory ASK for it after all the pain it caused her? Earlier she told Lucifer and Chloe that him leaving ‘ruined her life’, and now all of a sudden she’s happy with it? After seeing and reading how much Lucifer and Chloe loved each other she wants to separate them? After saying she now loves Lucifer too she wants to do that to him? And you can’t tell me it’s her being selfless because she thinks he won’t find his ‘calling’ otherwise, because even if he doesn’t (which he would for reasons above), then again we are saying they are choosing a ‘calling’ over family, over those they love most. Or, even worse, Rory, is choosing FOR HIM and ROBBING him of his choice to chose his family over his ‘calling’. 

No matter what way you spin it, it is just all kinds of wrong and messed up, and does not showcase the love the characters have for each other, nor the freedom of choice.

There’s nothing beautiful about any of this to me. It’s just plain awful and cruel for NO REASON. 

Yes, I know I’m missing one popular theme with all of this, and I might just hate this one most of all: That even though Rory suffered it made her stronger, she’s proud of who she is, and they don’t want to change her, don’t want to ‘kill’ this version of Rory who grew up without her dad. 

No. Just no. This pains me immensely. So we’re saying that she’s a better person having grown up without a Dad than she would’ve been growing up with a complete, loving family? That people who grow up with loving families can’t be as strong and proud of who they are? WTF? 

Sure, we as people are only strong in life when we need to be but that doesn’t mean that someone who grew up more fortunate doesn’t still have the capacity for that strength (or that they don’t suffer in other ways).

Yeah, it’s beautiful when you grew up abandoned and were able to eventually overcome it, but in reality you’ll always be scarred to some degree, and you certainly would have been less messed up, happier if you hadn’t.

Changing the time loop so that Rory could grow up with her father in her life wouldn’t ‘kill’ her. Fundamentally she’d still be the same, still would have grown up with her ‘kickass’ mom. All the good parts would still be there. There would just be even more good and much less of the bad.

How on earth would Chloe and Lucifer not want to chose that?

There is no way anyone can ever convince me that you come out better growing up abandoned by your father than you would have if he hadn’t. Just no.

We are strong and proud to overcome something only when WE HAVE NO CHOICE. CHOOSING to suffer just to show how great you are afterward for overcoming it when you could have chosen NOT to suffer at all, is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. 

It reminds me of a quote from one of my childhood movies, the original “Lion King.’ Little Simba tells his dad he went looking for danger to show that he’s brave, and his dad answers, “I’m only brave when I have to be.” 

So.  Circling back. Ignoring the debate on whether or not there was even a choice given (fate vs free will and ridiculous time loops). Ignoring that Lucifer likely (and should have) been able to find his ‘calling’ anyway. 

Then, in summary, we are left with Lucifer (and Chloe) ‘choosing’ for Lucifer to leave them for Hell, abandoning them both (and Trixie) because either

1) Lucifer’s calling is more important than being with his family

2) Rory wants to suffer, to let her parents suffer an unimaginable amount of pain, just to show that she comes out better for it, even when she can choose not to suffer at all. And Chloe and Lucifer are both in agreement that this is best for them and their daughter. 

What. The. Hell???!!

I’m sorry, but there’s no rationale for this. None. At. All. 

I’ll be the first to admit that I would never be happy with such a devastatingly heartbreaking ending no matter what the reasons, but, HOLY HELL, can they at least have had it make even the smallest amount of SENSE?! 

It’s just angst for the sake of angst, and I especially did not expect this from this show. It was always a show not to be taken too seriously, not to overthink and just have fun with, and that’s what made it work for me. But then they decide it’s a good idea to 1) throw in a time loop plot when time loops in fiction is pretty much the definition of serious complexity and making viewers overthink. And 2) have it end with such a tragic and sad ending that makes no sense. I am so sick and tired of the trend now days that shows can’t have happy endings.

(Edit: Now look what happened. I’ve gone and made another rant: https://thehiddenmemoryuniverse.tumblr.com/post/663357629901438976/lucifer-morningstars-broken-journey)

[blind-rats]

For the fans, it’s never about the “happy endings”. People misunderstood that it seems to get a good storyline, either it has to be happy or dark. It’s not that simple. It’s not Happy Ending vs Dark Ending. It’s about good storytelling and characterization.

For years, fans cared more about the characters. When a writer only focused on the plot, and not the character, then they would usually sacrifice the progression, the development, the investment, the connection, and the fans who actually watched the show FOR the characters since the beginning. Good storytelling is when it elevates the character (good or bad) into something layered.

Season 1: 

Aaron was arrested for Lilly’s murder was a good thing; something that should be done. The baddie finally was captured, even got hit by a truck. 

Logan wanted to jump off the bridge was a cliffhanger; something that would keep the fans tuned in for the next season. 

Lianne took the money was IN character; she wasn’t a good mother and Veronica finally admitted that. For a whole season, V thought that by solving Lilly’s murder, her mom would return, but in the end, it didn’t matter. V accepted that. It sucks, but it was progress for Veronica that she finally let her go, although she lost the money. There was balance for these plots and these characters, that is why season 1 was the best.

Season 2: 

Keith missed the flight wasn’t about a happy ending -- it was a set up for the next season because he received a mysterious assignment from Kendall. Again, it kept the fans wanting more.

Season 3: 

Logan beat up Gory was a set up for the next season. Like I mentioned before, if the show wasn’t canceled, it would give Logan a darker path or a lighter path in his life. It was supposed to make the fans wanting more; what would happen to Logan? What would happen to him and Veronica? There was a lot of speculation at the time, but it wasn’t supposed to be the ending.

Keith lost the election, according to RT himself, because he helped Veronica. Which was IN character. He helped Veronica, and it ignited another rivalry between him and Jake Kane again. It was supposed to be another set up for the next season, and it wasn’t supposed to be the ending. 

The Movie:

There are so many retcons in this movie that fans noticed and many expressed their displeasure because the storytelling of the movie was a bit weak, BUT they are still IN characters. Yes, there are some changes, obviously you can’t have the same characters from a decade ago. Logan was matured, Wallace was matured, Mac was matured, Weevil was matured, even Piz was matured. 

Veronica was trying to find herself and decide what kind of person she wanted to be. At the end of the movie, she decided that she wanted to help people. And that is why many fans liked the movie because the character progressed into the next stage. The character didn’t stay stasis.

The movie had so many flaws, especially with cheesy dialogues, unimportant cameos, and frankly not so good plots. But when fans have waited for so long for the conclusion of the series, to have characters finally get their deserved/bittersweet endings, is a good thing.

The Books (The Thousand Dollar Tan Line and Mr. Kiss & Tell):

Maybe because the books were (co)written by Jennifer Graham, a woman, a fan, she knew about the characterization of the characters. Fans immediately noticed the differences between her writing and Rob’s writing; which parts were hers, which parts were RT’s. 

Nobody cared nor remember about the professor and the murderer/rapist, but everyone mostly remembered about Haley, Lianne, Aurora, Hunter, Petra, Jade, Norris, Grace, and even The Gutiérrez cousins.

Notice that all of the memorable characters in the books were absent from season 4 because RT didn’t write them in the books and he felt that he didn’t need to explain their absence.

Logan and Weevil had a good relationship, and they both were friendly with each other. That was progress and should be allowed to continue.

Logan and Veronica had stability and a good relationship even when there were some problems. Even when Leo (who was inserted by RT) was there. But it was pretty much good characterization for both of the characters. Something that was missing in season 4.

Season 4:

To those who said that the whole season was great except for the ending, didn’t pay any attention. From the very beginning, fans were being introduced to a lot of new characters that fans didn’t know nor care like it was some sort a new show. They have their own storylines, their own plots, even their own endings. It would be fine if this was a brand new show, but it wasn’t. It was a continuation of the previous installment. The new characters from the books were much more nuanced compare to the new characters in season 4.

The show focused more on the plots instead of the characterizations. They focused more on the special guest stars instead of the regular cast.

The characterization of Veronica was WAY OFF; so different and seems to be regressed to her former self when she was 17 years old. She was rude to everyone including Logan and Wallace. She didn’t know what was going on with Keith. She was nonchalant about filming others having sex. She was using drugs. She was drinking and shooting a gun. She was mocking Wallace and Logan for having stability. She was more interested in having a fling with Leo but she refused to break up with Logan.

Fans would accept Veronica’s regression if there was something happened to her. Why she behave like that? What was the reason? She was having a life she chosen from the movie and the books, and yet she wasn’t happy. Because of what? What kind of trauma that made her regressed? No reason at all? Because normal life is not something that a detective should have? And that’s when the characterization was down the drain. When a character doesn’t have a motivation to do what’s right or what’s wrong, their behavior is considered to be OOC. 

Matty, a new character, a white rich sociopath girl, wasn’t Veronica, and yet the fans were expected to treat and view her like she was Veronica. 

Marcia, the new chief of police was a wasted character. She wasn’t a foil for Veronica, wasn’t an enemy of anybody, and she spent her time in the precinct only.

The assassins from the Mexican cartel had too many plots and not enough characterization, and frankly, the fans didn’t care about them, especially when the writers sacrificed Wallace and Mac.

The death of Logan wasn’t just the only thing that was considered worse, but the fact that they immediately didn’t see the aftermath. They never showed the emotional impact and didn’t even give the characters and the fans to mourn the character. RT tends to leapfrog a plot, even in iZombie, and put exposition instead. 

The death of Logan was wasted, done by the most insignificant villain in the history of the show that didn’t even have a proper characterization and development. But the show promoted him like he was one of the best things ever happened.

Logan’s death wasn’t caused by a heroic moment or something dramatic. It was last minute and immediately swept under the carpet.

Veronica spent her last monologue talking about exposition. it was an ending. It wasn’t something that fans wanted to tune in, unlike the previous seasons, movie, and books.

So the whole notion that every season ended in a dark ending is partly untrue. Plot-wise, it should served their characters. It should elevated them into something better or something darker, but it was interesting nonetheless. Season 4 didn’t have that at all. All the characters were gone, finished. Veronica rode off to the sunset without any kind of satisfying ending, good or bad. Bad, mostly.

This is why Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul and Cobra Kai are praised because of the writings and characterization. We see the progression of the characters of Jimmy to Saul, who is not a good person, but still layered. We see the development of Johnny Lawrence; from a bully to an anti-hero. Or Hawk from a nerd into a bully himself. IT'S THE CHARACTERIZATION AND DEVELOPMENT accompanied by good storytelling. It’s not (just) about happy/sad ending.

It’s also not just about killing off the main character. There’s a reason why fans are still angry with the ending of How I Met Your Mother or LOST. So many people are pissed with the ending of Dexter and Game of Thrones. Don’t forget about The 100, Gilmore Girls, and Arrow. Not because of the dark endings of those shows, or the killing off the main characters. It was because they wasted so many years with the characterization and development just to get subverted endings that the writers seem to pat themselves on the back, ignoring any fans who had been there for the start.

And RT’s betrayal to the fans isn’t just about killing off the main character. It was the way he did it. He was using the fans to revive the show, using the fans’ money to revive it, knowing that he would kill off a popular character, knowing that he would piss loyal fans and the fandom, who had been very supportive with his works and projects, and yet still done it, just because he despised a character he created for so long. Even BBC News knew this trend and called him out. It was the way he exploited the fans that were considered to be a betrayal.

[ectonurites]

do u have any thoughts on the whole “tim is zapped to time prison” storyline? bc i feel like it could have been pretty interesting and a good way to bring back young justice/tim’s memories more immediately if it hadn’t been such a blatant attempt to just get tim out of storylines bc they had no ideas for his character

sorry lol u don’t have to respond i just kind of wish people talked about this storyline more? and the fact that tim lowkey became one of the only people in dc with knowledge of the other timelines (i think so at least) and nobody really addressed it?? like going into the next phase where people learn about other timelines after death metal.... tim should already know some of this stuff right?

YES YES YES OKAY LETS TALK ABOUT THIS this got incredibly long because I just have a lot to say (and i included screenshots) and i prob got a little off topic but. but lets get started anyways:

i haven’t read that particular storyline in a few months so i might be missing/misremembering some details here, but that whole ‘time prison + future tim’ thing was like. a really really interesting concept and the implications/impacts it has are a big part of why i liked tynion’s detective comics run as much as i did even with it’s flaws in characterization (such as treating tim like he was jimmy neutron boy genius and making steph..... be all ready to quit/breakaway from the team like that. the steph quitting characterization really started i think in batgirl convergence and unfortunately has haunted her since, even though pre reboot never giving up was like...... one of her defining traits. dc i hate you sometimes) 

i think that one of the biggest things that bothers me about the situation is how little we saw most of the other characters in the batfamily grieve (aside from steph and some with bruce, but again the way steph was portrayed just... hhhhhh. it very much reduced her to ‘tims girlfriend’ more than i’d have preferred) but otherwise like...as far as I can remember there was maybe one line in that monsters crossover thing where dick mentioned tim was gone, jason had a single line about avoiding the funeral in rhato, i dont think they showed any reaction from babs at all until after he was back, and the most for damian I recall is at the end of the 2014 teen titans run (#24) where he looks at... a case with the old red robin uniform Tim wasn’t even wearing anymore when he died? and that just bugs me. Instead of getting to see the actual funeral we get one flashback to it way after the fact once Bruce already knows Tim’s not actually dead

But at the time when they all DID think he was dead? the closest thing we see was in that same teen titans issue (#24) there’s a memorial-type ‘sharing stories’ thing after the funeral with tim’s titans friends but.... we don’t see something like that with his family. tim is a major presence in these peoples’ lives, they are his family, when he gets sent into time prison its even SAID how loved he apparently is

its just... idk. they all thought he was dead, and if they had put more emphasis on showing not just telling how that effected EVERYONE (not just steph) in the batfam, it might have felt a lot less like they were just putting tim away until there was a story idea for him. (like obviously I know they can’t make everyone’s stories revolve around Tim, but I’d have way preferred a detective comics issue of the funeral/memorial with the family than having there only be a teen titans one, I think it would have... held more relevance & meaning... but instead they just went right into that monster crossover story instead of lingering on this)

but then the Tim story itself once it does pick up way later, with titans tomorrow/future tim coming along having that whole “tell conner you’re sorry” “who’s conner?” exchange with current tim... that opens up A LOT of things to think about, and I think was pretty interestingly done if i’m remembering correctly. future tim recognizes the timelines are different, and ya know goes off to try to change things further ("whaddaya got there?” “a gun to kill batwoman” “NO!!!!”), theres lots of fighting etc etc the good guys win as we expect, but once that’s all settled tim’s left there with this whole. thought process

which ya know is the big indicator there’s weird timeline/reality fuckery going on (or also the read here can be that tim and kon are so connected across all space and time that their bond can transcend anything even timelines and realities and reboots... “and they were soulmates” “oh my god they were soulmates”) 

ANYWAYS lets not forget that tim isnt the only one who learns about this other timeline stuff during this whole situation!

Brother Eye has records of future tim’s timeline, and cass & steph see who they used to be! and as soon as steph finds out ‘holy shit i was ROBIN and BATGIRL?’ she also desperately wants to know more! which then a bit later leads into young justice 2019 where instead of going off to college like they told Bruce they were gonna, Steph and Tim go get the help of Zatanna to see what might be going on in their brains with these timelines and weird feelings (as we see in flashback form in yj 2019 #5)

and HOO BOY DOES SHE FIND THINGS! she gets in there and finds out that oh yeah, their brains had very much so been tampered with, and with her magic she undoes some of it, by unlocking memories, and Tim finally remembers Conner! (also in case u were wondering, that panel is specifically a callback to this one from yj 1998 #17 when Cissie quit the team)

one thing that I think is weird/interesting/idk if it gets... properly addressed even, was that Zatanna also poked around Steph’s brain too and she didn’t remember everything? Might have something to do even with how Tim had been in time prison, might have taken less work from Z to open things up because of that? Who knows

additionally i wanna call attention to how he said “That entire chapter of my life” which... leading into my next point a bit... strongly leads me to believe even though he’s remembering some things he definitely does not have ALL of his memories back (because theres a lot more than just the young justice ‘chapter’ of tim’s life that was drastically changed by the new 52 & rebirth) 

BUT moving on, i wanna bring up this part from later on (after they figured out that there was a crisis that caused things in the world to change, which is why their memories/brains were messed with) in issue #16

so yeah, I think it’s indicated even though Zatanna brought back some memories and opened up his brain a bit, there’s still many holes, and some things seem more like dreams rather than memories and he’s probably unable to tell which are which on his own to some extent. (also for reference the real thing that Tim thought was just a dream is... likely yj 1998 issue #1)

So based on the things i’ve brought up here (which are the things I remember off the top of my head, I could easily be accidentally leaving shit out LMAO i haven’t fully read through any of these books in at least 3 or more months now) I think it’s safe to assume that Tim definitely has a head start on getting back his memories before Death Metal happens, but that it was by no means a complete thing. So the after effects of Death Metal are probably just gonna... be a little less drastic for him vs most other people because it was already happening, but it’ll be kinda filling in the remaining gaps? 

And like you said he is absolutely one of the few people that already knew about about the timelines/the fact that these crises have happened and changed things, but pretty much all the other young justice characters are also aware that there was meddling in the timeline/that multiple timelines and alternate universes like this exist since they were all together as a group when it got explained (in like. yj 2019 #15 i believe is where most of the explaining happens) (and cass as well is aware of things to some extent because of her and steph’s interaction with Brother Eye) but the difference is that Zatanna didn’t go into everyone’s brains, so they aren’t dealing with the same memory things as Tim (and possibly Steph? because again Z DID go in her brain, she just wasn’t able to unlock all the same things as she did with Tim) 

but yeah in general i SO wish this was explored more, both in canon and in fanworks (fanworks tho... that can still happen >:3c). Memories hazily coming in for Tim while Kon and Bart are able to confirm or deny things, him dealing with conflicting memories and feelings about his past as they trickle in... like I think we’ll start to see these types of things moving forward across a lot of titles with Infinite Frontier (i BELIEVE dont quote me on this but I BELIEVE the person writing Damian’s upcoming solo had mentioned in an interview that the memories coming back of the other timeline aren’t going to be an all at once thing but will be more gradual for most characters) but the fact that it theoretically had already been happening for Tim for MONTHS and we only got that one crumb indicating it in #16 of it instead of any actual exploration makes me SAAAAAAD 

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

lol okay so I dashed off most of this the day of and then kept not posting it because I kept thinking I needed to add stuff, but then I ended up adding more stuff mostly in reblogs instead (should all be under the “my meta” tag if anyone’s curious) and now episode 2 is technically coming out tomorrow night in my time zone so obviously I need to just post this. bullet points of disconnected thoughts, some of which are probably at least slightly outdated by now but whatever, here you go

seems very possible Mobius left the tape with him on purpose because he figured Loki wouldn’t be able to resist looking at it

would have to check the timing but I’m pretty sure he started looking terrified as soon as Thanos came onscreen without really knowing the context (aside from the very basic outline of “it’s been several years and he reconciled with Thor”), which at least underscores that they weren’t buddies--Loki knew something awful was about to happen the second Thanos showed up sadly this is not true, the clip he sees first is him trying to stab Thanos, so...yeah it stands to reason that he’d know it was about to end badly no matter what

other people have mentioned this but I love that we got to see Loki just like...existing?? like I know he’s never been the protagonist before and seeing him as the protagonist has always been one of the things that’s excited me most about the show, but now that it’s here I’m just kind of struck by how HE’S THE PROTAGONIST so we’re getting all these emotions and little gestures and moments when he’s alone that we only got in tiny, sadly easy-to-overlook snatches before (and it also occurred to me that I don’t think we’ve ever seen Loki eat anything, which is something else that might change)

also his projection is fascinating, and so is the fact that he explicitly turned it around on himself, which seems relevant to all the theories about a lot of his other statements (”freedom is life’s great lie,” most of what he said to Natasha, etc.) being things that were drummed into him on Sanctuary rather than stuff he just came up with on his own, so that seems to cover a lot of the stuff he says in Avengers and here

on the other hand it seems unlikely we’re ever going to get confirmation that Bad Stuff happened to him on Sanctuary aside from what we already saw in Avengers, which is frustrating, although to be fair I also wasn’t expecting to see Loki crying about his family in the first episode (and the most I’m really hoping for, still, is that nothing will explicitly contradict the idea, so...we’re good on that thus far, I guess)

so the first half of the episode was...ehhh, I don’t know, but the second half was amazing. I know some people didn’t like that part either, but I felt like...okay, I don’t love him being humiliated so I would’ve preferred different framing for some of this BUT a lot of casual viewers still see Loki as a cackling caricature without having picked up on any of the stuff that very clearly showed otherwise, and this show wants to treat Loki as a person, someone worthy of audience sympathy, so they kind of had to go in hard and fast on that aspect to get everyone up to speed. like, yes, fans who’ve been paying attention know that Loki’s a person, that he’s wounded, that he doesn’t hurt people just because it’s fun for him, that he feels things very deeply, that he loves his family, but somehow the mainstream perception of him has missed like 85% of that, and the show’s just not going to have much impact unless it gets everybody on board with those very basic ideas. in terms of story structure it probably doesn’t make sense for this to be his lowest point, but starting from the bottom and eventually getting somewhere better is fairly standard, so at this point I can imagine tons of ways things could improve for him

yeah I do hate the whole Sacred Timeline thing, see also my posts about how much I loved that Endgame canonically (I thought) established multiple timelines where everything was fine, so yeah I’m pissed about that because it means those timelines were canonically pruned

like I don’t...hate it as a storytelling device? I just hate it for fandom reasons, and I’ve hated it in other fandoms when canon did something that seemed to open things up to all this incredible possibility and then went “actually no, we’re boxing it up again into this one specific Way That Things Happened” and for fanwork purposes it doesn’t matter all that much, I don’t think it’s actually that much harder to do AUs or go “okay well in this universe the TVA doesn’t exist, whatever” (in fact I wouldn’t be surprised if AO3 quickly develops a new canonical “not TVA compliant” tag for basically all Loki fic), but it is annoying that it’s now like “canonically, every AU is Not Allowed”, and if that ends up sticking as the status quo with the TVA considered good guys or at least a necessary evil then yeah, I’m going to be annoyed

HOWEVER

I don’t think that’s inevitable for a variety of reasons

this whole show is going to deal with multiverse shenanigans and so will Dr. Strange 2, so it seems completely possible that the end result could be a status quo of “there’s a multiverse actually and that’s fine” (...although yes, I’ll be doubly annoyed if the end result of this show is a restored multiverse of some kind and the end result of Dr. Strange 2 is condensing it back down to a single timeline)

the multiverse is a long-running comics tradition, which still seems to be the case even after...whatever event it was that collided a bunch of them and tried for a Highlander thing, look I wasn’t really following it and I know some characters ended up in other universes from where they started but I’m pretty sure we still have a multiverse of some kind

almost all the recent Loki-centric comics have focused on questions of fate and agency

Agent of Asgard in particular was about Loki eventually going “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” and forging a new path (and, okay, it does seem like runs other than AoA have been the most influential here but again we’ve only seen one episode)

Loki, specifically, is an agent of chaos and change, like that’s his whole thing going way back to mythology, because sometimes stagnancy is death and chaos is healthy, and of course myth!Loki (and earlier versions of comics!Loki) is always responsible for triggering Ragnarok, which isn’t just the end of the world but is also a natural, crucial part of a cycle of renewal, and yes the MCU already did Ragnarok but that doesn’t at all mean they can’t play more with those ideas

Tom Hiddleston has brought up this specific point several times in recent interviews, that sometimes chaos is the one thing that's really needed

also, on Jimmy Kimmel the day of the episode, he kind of...planted a seed about the TVA maybe not being uncomplicated good guys because seriously what gives them the right to make these decisions for literally everyone

so at the very least I think it’s completely possible that things aren’t quite what they seem, and that for instance we’re supposed to discover that Mobius is consciously manipulating him to turn him into the type of tool the TVA wants him to be

also “the timeline wants to break free” shows up on a lot of merch, which does seem to indicate a free will vs. predestination theme

I’m not at all familiar with comics!TVA, although I understand they’re considered villains (although to be fair, so were the Skrulls, and at least thus far that’s been inverted for the MCU), but their whole thing reminded me of a few other entities in a way that could be relevant:

the tape running out was like the Norns cutting the thread of somebody’s life

Those Who Sit Above In Shadow in AoA (and also maybe whatever was below the God Quarry in Infinity Wars although I’m less familiar with that)

the gods in Cabin In The Woods, who were also kind of audience proxies in that they really just cared about the sacrifice being entertaining, which kinda seems like the only logical reason for the Timekeepers to prefer any given series of events over another

my personal hope for the series: the Timekeepers are ultimately the Big Bad and the rogue Loki variant is ultimately right in trying to wipe out the TVA (because sure I realize it’s maybe dumb of me but I still don’t want any Loki to be completely a bad guy!!); the major named TVA characters realize they’re the baddies actually and team up with a whole army of Lokis to take them down and GIVE US BACK OUR MULTIVERSE

[bartramcat]

CSI: Harvest and No Humans Involved

So my latest mini-marathon involved the first half of Season 5. Among other observations, I have always linked these 2 episodes in my mind, probably because they both deal with the needless death of children at the hands of the very persons who should have been taking care of them. Not unsurprisingly, they were both scripted by Judith McCreary.

In terms of the larger GSR arc, it struck me how the two episodes elucidate the very similar and personal responses of Grissom and Sara to the neglect and abuse of children. Harvest focuses more on Grissom, and NHI on Sara. Moreover, inherent in both cases are aspects which cause the 2 CSIs to confront pieces of their pasts.

In Harvest, we learn the young girl was brought into the world for the sole purpose of keeping her older brother alive: a genetic match whose blood and marrow could be mined from her to stave off leukemia in him. When the brother decides to put her out of her misery, with what he sees as a mercy killing, his family closes ranks and attempts to frame a pedophile for her death.

Grissom and Sara get the first hint that something is not what it seems when they search Alicia's room and discover she was surfing organ transplant sites. When Sara opines that it is a little over a 7th grader's head, we get the only GSR "moment" in either episode; Grissom tells Sara he bets she was a pretty smart 7th grader. Shortly thereafter they discover Alicia had a crush on a boy named Jimmy Jones, and they meet her brother, Daniel, who is obviously not well. In her diary, they learn there was to be an upcoming surgery.

The boy, Jimmy, tells Brass and Catherine about a creepy guy who watched them. Nick plots the locations of registered sex offenders, and the team focuses on one Marlon Waylord, who fits Jimmy's description and the one Alicia's sister gave. While the pedophile turns out to be a dead end, we are shown Grissom's utter contempt for him.

After Alicia's body is found, and the investigation rules out all other viable suspects, both autopsy and the blood evidence lead Grissom to the unmistakable conclusion that Daniel killed his sister, misguidedly thinking he was sparing her from further pain on his behalf. When he asks where he is, he is told he is in church.

Grissom can't comprehend why Daniel thought it was a mercy killing, telling him it was an execution. He asks him why he didn't kill himself instead. Daniel's answer makes his head spin: because suicide is an unforgivable sin. "But you believe your God forgives murder?" Daniel then thanks him for being the only person who ever cared about Alicia. "You may not believe in God, sir but you do his work."

We are left with the image of Grissom staring up at the image of Jesus, a look of incomprehension on his face. The episode gives us insight into perhaps some of the reasons Grissom has struggled with the concept of faith in general and organized religion in particular. He cannot subscribe to a dogma that places a harsher penalty on suicide over the murder of a child.

While we are never given any timeline for Grissom's break with the Catholic Church, the fact that empirical science is the one thing he wholeheartedly embraces and believes in seems to be a core part of his character for at least as long as he has been a CSI.

In No Humans Involved, it is Sara who comes face-to-face with a family member who allows her own nephew to starve to death under her watch. Interestingly, she works primarily with Greg, who seems to have even more trouble coming to terms with the dead child than she does. Her other main interactions are with Brass and Doc Robbins, as she obsessively seeks to learn the identity of the child.

When the child's former foster mother becomes a possible suspect in his abuse, Sara's interactions with one of her fosters tells us more about her past than we heretofore had been granted privy to. Sara had been "in the system" for quite a while, although we do not yet know why. Through her interactions with Glynis, Sara learns that the boy had two brothers and that their mother had reclaimed them.

(It turns out that the mother had snapped and assaulted her abusive boyfriend with a brick and was given 90 days for assault.)

The investigation leads them to a hooker named Divine, who turns out to be the boys' mother's cousin. Apparently, she left her sons with her to pursue a job in Seattle. Divine made no effort to take care of them, locking them in a storage shed with no food, spending the money their mother had sent for them on a new TV. Brass, Greg and Sara find the two older boys just in time.

While Sara remains under control throughout this case, she is confronted by a number of "hot-button" issues during its run: child abuse, domestic abuse, foster care. The end of the episode shows Sara sitting alone at a computer. She sees Sophia in Grissom's office seemingly actively flirting with him; she looks to the left and sees the guys goofing around in the break room; she sees Catherine in the hallway, pause, look at the guys and then at her watch, and she departs. Sara glances right again and then types in the search field: THE PEOPLE VS. LAURA SIDLE W/2 MODESTO, CA 1984.

If Nesting Dolls is the watershed episode, not only for GSR but also for our understanding of one Sara Sidle, No Humans Involved is the prequel. While Sara's empathy for the abused children is in no way new, that we learn she was in foster care and that her mother was prosecuted for something is. Of course, at this point, it's out of context. It is possible we can see this case as a kind of trigger for her: the events of the case are so close to her own experience that it prompts her to seek out information about her past. Reliving her childhood trauma, even by way of a legal document, may be directly causal to her losing it in ND.

(As an aside, I do not read her as jealous of Sofia here. In Snakes, she seems to have become reconciled to the fact that she will always love Grissom but that they are not in the cards. I do think she's jealous in Unbearable, as that occurs after whatever happened between them offscreen in ND.)

Finally, I will probably always think of these two episodes as companion pieces, not only because they deal with similar premises but because of how they offer pieces of insight into Grissom and Sara.

That and the fact they are both horrifying: two children are sacrificed on the altar of adult selfishness.

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Doing something for fun: RPGs about broken anuses.

As promised, after the abomination that was the Sam arc, I am now going to write random posts about more positive/fun things. However, I also decided to add a little twist to them and correlate them in some way thematically to Dobson. E.g. by reviewing a game/show that does all the things Dobson hates/obsesses about/or fails at right.

 And my first entry in that regard is related to a videogame that came out a couple of years ago, based on a tv show Dobson claims to hate. South Park: The fractured but whole.

 Seeing how the game is 3+ years old at this time and there have been tons of reviews & walkthroughs showing how good and fun the game is, I do not really want to cover the plot and all the things that make it great in detail. Lets just say you can really feel that Parker and Stone were heavily involved in the writing of the game, as it is filled to the brim with references to the show and the typical satirical humor of it, that in parts manages to cross the line even further for me than the show. Right from the start you get a very dark but smart social joke and commentary out of the way, when as you set up your characters looks and the difficulty of the game, it is the tone of your skin that decides how hard the game gets. Meaning if you play as a black person, you are having a very hard time. It is not too preachy, just an acknowledgment that yes, in American society, blacks can have it harder compared to white people. Especially when living in a town like South Park, where social standing is pretty low and the police force is inherently corrupt and racist, doing something so outrageously to black people, I do not want to spoil it. Let’s just say it ends in a better Lovecraft joke than any of the shit SJWs did in light of censoring Call of Cthulhu board rpgs.

The overall plot is simple: While last time the kids played fantasy and things escalated quickly as they do in South Park, this time they play superheroes, with two fractions having formed: Coon and Friends vs the Freedom Pals and things escalating just as quickly. What starts off as the hunt for a missing cat to earn a 100$ reward Cartman wants to use to start a multi billion dollar movie franchise just like Marvel, turns soon into the player and his friends having to fight a real crime conspiracy thought up by one of South Park’s most nefarious characters, which also involves genetic mutations, time travel and eldritch horrors. Thankfully you, the “New Kid” from the last game, even after losing all your previous powers thanks to no one playing fantasy anymore, gain new superhero powers, make friends with the South Park kids again and even learn new fart techniques by none other than Morgan Freeman, that help you out along the way. All while also slowly revealing more about your backstory hinted on in the previous game and the tragedy of your dad having had intercourse with your mother.

 Being a South Park and RPG fan for years, I wanted to play this game for quite some time, but only managed to do so recently. And even if I spoiled myself massively over time with cutscenes and major battles online, this game is still fun (thanks in part also to the fact I watched the cutscenes years ago and by now forgot a lot of them).  The turn based battle system is way more interesting than last time by also depending on you positioning the characters on the field in a strategy based RPG style, there are lots of classes to choose and powers to combine (I myself going for elementalist, assassin, plantmancer and blaster currently) and you have a ton of allies in the game. The original cast of the four main boys, Jimmy and Butters has expanded significantly in this game with characters such as SUPER CRAIG, Clyde as the blood sucking MOSQUITO, Token as TUPPERWARE and Wendy as the social media huntress CALL GIRL (yes, that is her name) and they all are fun to interact and play with, with each one having their own unique sets of moves and finishers once again. Even outside of the battle, thanks to the writing, there are always great lines from them to get when interacting or taking missions from them. I especially came to love Tweek and Craig, who are not just decent fighters (Tweek in particular is a great elementalist) , but in this game are also now a couple ever since that yaoi episode from South Park. Helping them reconcile after a bad break up over the course of the game just feels surprisingly nice, mostly because unlike other LGBT celebrating media out there (Korra and She Ra  e.g.) none of the characters crosses some sort of moral line where you question why they deserve to be together (Hello, Catra), it is not heavily handed garbage fishing for brownie points and it is obvious through dialogue and actions they care for each other, even if they are at first going through a bad break up as only South Park could ridiculously portray it.

 Overall, the game is also surprisingly “inclusive” and socially relevant without being preachy about it, if you ask me. From the aforementioned skin color thing, to LGBT representation via Tweek and Craig, the police being involved in a plot that especially nowadays is sadly more relevant than ever (mind you, I do not believe that in real life all cops are bad, but in my opinion bad eggs on both sides certainly led to the current situation in the US and that is all I say) to the fact you can over the course of the game decide not just if you are playing as a boy or a girl, but even something in-between, a cis-/transgendered person and decide your race, religion as well as to whom you are sexually attracted to. Granted, I barely see how it has any bearing on the game’s plot, but I appreciate the following things: a) the inclusion of the possibility to decide on those factors itself, making creating your character even more fun (a basic right others demand for certain games nowadays in all the wrong ways) and b) that the game does not make the biggest of deals about it. See, I am under the impression that often times the most progressive and inclusive thing is to just let the story and personality of a character speak for itself, instead of the fact that it also identifies by a specific gender, sexuality, race or other allignment. In fact focusing on those things on a character only is something I consider ”positive stereotyping”, which for me is just racism in the opposite direction. And if you no think I am going off track here and need to be beaten up by someone who genuinely has some grip on pc culture, don’t worry. This game features PC Principal actually doing an ok job teaching you about microaggressions in his typical PC Principal manner, which in itself becomes a relevant move in future battles and is hilarious to watch. Speaking of the new kid, putting things like your chance to gender identify yourself with it in more detail (which you can also adjust again later on in game if you feel like it) aside, for a silent protagonist he/she/it can have a nice level of debt to it, if you look too much into it.

 Not only does it have a funny backstory explaining its fart and social media powers, there are recurring scenes of the kid’s parents being on each others throat and the kid just silently eating dinner for the night that genuinely feel sad and create sympathy in our little FartLord to the point you just want the kid to go out there, have an adventure and hopefully find a way to change its parents for good, cause it is obvious they love the kiddo, but damn do they need to cut off the substance abuse.

 Storywise you get something out of this game that is way more entertaining and hilarious than the last two seasons of the show combined (FUCK the season of 2019) and game content wise you are also rewarded with a lot of shit, just for exploring the town. Be it you finding hidden yaoi fanart that earns you money, your allies helping you solve puzzles that reward you with exp and new costumes to further customize your outfit, making new friends on Coonstagram by taking selfies with all the major and minor characters of the town, helping Big Gay Al finding his missing cats, stumbling upon Memberberries, forging new artifacts to increase your strength, finding summons… all stuff that helps you not just gain exp and become stronger, but also makes you enjoy going through South Park outside of the main story content. In fact I spend a majority of my first twelve hours in this game only wrapping up the prologue missions and first two chapter of the game, while otherwise talking with as many people in town as possible, exploring the stores and houses, doing side missions etc. just for the fun of interacting with the characters and the world they are part of.

 Now, how does all of that relate to Dobson?

Well lets see…

 Game based on something he hates that has however rightfully more success than he ever deserves, with lots of political commentary and satire for years in its humor? Check.

 Game itself having more of that commentary done right then Dobson in his own comics and story attempts? Check

 LGBT representation via Tweek and Craig as well as Big Gay Al that does not feel too stereotypical despite Al himself being extremely stereotypical in design? Check

 Some pretty decent/hilarious female characters in the game once you know them? (again, Call Girl and Classi, who fucks the L out of the A-S-S) Check.

 Being a style of game he hates for no apparent reason, but executed well (RPGs)? Check

 Thematically focused on superheroes, a trend he is obsessed about, but here both appreciating while also poking good fun at common tropes of it and the marketing of the MCU, in doing so just highlighting how much of a mindless consumer Dobson is? Check

 Being a game where you can also play as any gender and race and its not turned into a “groundbreaking” industry changing feature pandering to minorities that in the eyes of corporations are just a market to exploit, not people? Check

 Heck, if Dobson was not a biased idiot, the game would be perfect for him. It even panders to his toilet fetish in videogames.

 Kid you not: a mini game in the game itself features the possibility to go to every toilet in town and shit in it. The process of defecation itself being a rhythm game and you earning exp from it once you took enough dumps. And considering Dobson once spend hours in Skyrim looking for outhouses, that sounds right up Dobson’s back alley.

 Bottom line, this game is fun. If you like South Park, superheroes and RPGs, this game is perfect for you. And seeing how it has been a few years since it came out, I think it should be possible to get a cheap copy of it somewhere. Go on, play it. But always remember: Never fart on another dude’s balls. It is just not the polite thing to do.

[borisbubbles]

25. PORTUGAL

Elisa - “Medo de sentir”

We’ve finally crossed over into the “I like this” territory :-) Let’s celebrate by booting another ballad ^_^

Song Analysis

This will be short and sweet though, since there isn’t much to say. “Medo de sentir” basically the Marie Myriam of its national final: It is a cromulent ballad that did nothing wrong and is solidly good, but not great in all the relevant areas (vocals, composition, staging). 

I mean,

Even so, Elisa gave me a few small nuggets that warmed me to her, serving DRAMAFACE in the FdC Semi

and LOOKS in the Finale: 

Peach puffy sleeves that rival Leonor Andrade’s legendary shoulder pads as a fashion statement <3 (honestly, this is pretty subdued for FdC fashion even? Hold on until I get talk about Felipe in the NF Corner) 

Honestly, you may wonder why I like this more than “Répondez-moi”, but I don’t really have a reason  - unless you’re willing to accept “Medo de sentir is underrated, is performed by a Weird Indie Girl and is from a criminally overlooked Eurovision country” as valid argumentations. Oh and while I only *very* mildly like Elisa, it is a decision I made myself, completely free of the social pressure I feel whenever Gjon, or heaven forbid, Roxen or Diodato, pop up. 

Furthermore, the fact that I still like Elisa even after she won her NF also speaks greatly in her favour. I’m not sure if you were aware of how good FdC was this year? Well, sit down because you are about to witness it!

NF Corner

Remember how old Eesti Laul’s neck was snapped and its corpse was urinated on by the shit Estonians? Remember how the quirky indie weirdo entries had to find a safe haven elsewhere in Europe? The Portugese hallmark traits of “Not Giving A Fuck”, “Doing Our Own Thing No Matter What” and “What Do You Mean This Isn’t A Vimeo Showreel?” allowed for Festival da Canção to absorb Eesti Laul’s broken spirit and channel it from every (Ley-La-)Ley-Line.

and since this is the first *GREAT* 2020 NF I am covering, I will do HONORABLE MENTIONS before I actually review my four choices :o

Dubio - “Ceguiera”: Hamburglar-looking goddess <3333

MEERA - “Copo de gin”: Pure EL-style EDM *and* it’s about drinking gin, needless to say this song is basically *my anthem*.  Jimmy P - “Abensonhado”: Rap rarely is my thing, let alone three minutes of it non-stop. Having said that, this is genuine and dramatic and Jimmy is flanked by a GOSPEL CHOIR (dressed in chasubles!!!) who support him in ENGLISH... I am not made of stone.  JJaZZ - “Agora”: Totally slept on this weird indie anthem, but then they showed up looking like this:

and yes, it was even funnier in motion (sadly gif’ing rights are reserved to the Elite 4 soz) Elisa Rodrigues - “Não voltes mais”: a jolly tropical ballad in a genre I recognize but cannot name (some sort of pimba fado jazz? Does this work?) and was incomprehensibly hated by the Portuguese? Will I ever understand how this country operates? Probably never. Kady - “Diz so”: another pimba fado jazz sort of thing? My friend André (who is from Brazil) tells me it’s actively parodying Brazillian counterculture and leftist stereotypes which is such a random quirk to put in a Portuguese music comp <3

And before we move on, I’ll chuck in a very speclal DISHONORABLE mention for our good friends Blasted Mechanism.😈 I actually forgot to do my jury duties for ESCUnited here, so I’ll just let James (the person with the best taste on our team, including yours truly) do it for me: 

Fucking *TRUTH*. “Rebellion’”s problem  has always been a lack of motherfucking balls. Sure, these middle-aged steampunkers attempt to implement a genre shift between indie rock and fucking ORCHESTRAL METAL/HIP HOP and make it so underwhelming and pathetic? People blame the live, and yes it was *bad* (forever cackling at “REBELGIUM” tho), but it was the studio that failed to deliver on the promises it made.  It always surprises me when people (Sean and Roy I AM coming for you) slam "Verona” for being a “fanwank” and then fall for a Rebellion which is basically a fanwank for heterosexual snobs. #ShotsFired. 

Now, as for the actual Boris faves, LET US START WITH A LIBERAL DOSE OF ASKEW CUBISM

Judas - “Cubismo Enviesado” 

VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?   

VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  

VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?   

VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  

 WHAT A FUCKING SPANDEX CATASTROPHE. “Cubismo enviesado” is a horrible song, the choreography looks like it had been conjured up during a particularly drunk night of bedroom karaoke and Judas can’t hold a tune for the life of him. The lyrics don’t even make sense in Portuguese <33333 It is an art school project gone disastrously wrong. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I AM OBSESSED.😍

Filipe Sambado - “Gerbera Amarelo do Sul”

That look

The regal panache

Those... leather shorts?

IT IS SO QUEER I LOVES IT. As with Cubismo, I am fucking OBSESSED. However, unlike Cubismo, “Gerbera amarela do sul” is *legitimately* great, lol. In addition to having a KICK-ASS fado rhythm and the off-the-charts visual components (the jewellery! the hats! the throne! the hand choreography!), the lyrics are highly intelligent poetry geared at dismantling upper class snobism.😍 Rare to find an entry that kicks ass on SO MANY levels. Even harder to see it lose to Elisa Myriam - but I’m not sad it lost because, you know, it would have befallen the same fate as a “Telemóveis”. At least his existence makes the memory-holing of Achille Lauro’s ICONIC Virgin Queen Cosplay so much easier to stomach. 

Throes & The Shine - “Movimiento”

I mean, entries that open like THIS: 

are instantly iconic, ngl. The best FdC entries offer a great triple of great looks, unplugged stubborn artistry and fun quirky rhythmes. Throes + The Shine pass this with flying colours and I mean, THOSE sunglasses alone yank up the laugh-out-laugh factor to astronomical levels. add in a hilarious choreography, sound effects that seemingly imitate duck mating noises and three very attractive men (in 2020! the concept!) and it’s an instant fave right there. 

AND THEN MADE THEIR ENTRY EVEN BETTER BY ADDING MIDNIGHT GOLD/JOWST EFFECTS TO THEIR STAGING. 😍😍😍😍

MANCHAS DE LAMA NA SUA PELE  

HEROES. 😍😍😍

and of course, this wouldn’t be a 2020 NF without an obvious runaway fave losing at the last minute: 

Bárbara Tinoco - “Passe-partout”

SHE IS TINY <3333:

She’s like a human bonsai... or a personal attack chincilla.

Okay, so Portugal were *THIS close* to out-France’ing the French with this sassy Zazballad, served with a generous dollop of parisian accordion and stank reaction shots.

Yet another entry that shamelessly uses an attractive man as a boytoy prop <333 For a brief moment, Bàrbara and Tiago establish themselves as a pair of lovestruck La La Land idiots, gearing themselves towards the EPIC moment where she will dump him... and then this happens before the first chorus:

Barbara opens up a can of dancer carbs and it completely fucks up her no-bullshit keto diet. 

Those dancers man. They aren’t a *bad* addition in itself, but if your thing is “romance ballad but *plot twist* it’s actually an end of romance ballad get lost loser” do not burn the clou within the first minute of the performance to a group of dancers who don’t even dance *along with the beat of your song*. UGH.

(and also, more devastatingly, the reduce tiaGOD’s airtime how dare they grrr)

Fortunately though, I have learned to appreciate the wrecktitude of it all because it caused one of the funniest downfall narratives in recent ESC history. The Portuguese were, of course, foaming at the mouth with all the decisions Bárbara had made (not even for the points I raised, necessarily?) and Bárbara was having none of it. It went kinda like this

Juries: EWWW DANCERS AND CHOREOGRAPHY YOU ARE RAPING YOUR OWN SONG YOU PHILISTINE WHORE. Bárbara: 

Juries: WOW WHAT *ARROGANCE*!! YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN BUT BOY DO WE HAVE NEWS FOR YOU :-) 

and lo hand behold, the finale rolls on and Tinoco’s dancers are still there, and are even *MORE* present than they were in the semi (but also in sync with the beat) and Bárbara gets promptly jurydunked into third place. 😍 Even though she has the *ONLY* song in FdC that could have qualified in its semifinal. 😍  A woman who stands three apples tall trolling an entire nation and juries because she knew she had gold in her hands and then getting rigged out of the easiest nf victory out of pure SPITE 😍  WHAT AN ARC. 😍

Portugal 2020 vs Portugal 2021

Elisa probably would not have qualified. I’m not sure how popular of an opinion this is, but I prefer the semifinal performance of “Medo de sentir” and that wasn’t the staging they were going for. Not many people seemed to care either way, and that’s usually the death sentence for Portugal. 

Elisa won’t be back for 2021 or whenever Eurovision is rebooted. :sigh: Fuck you, Coronavirus. 

Freaky! Friday! Factor!

See: NF Corner:

Score: 4 Senhits out of 5. 

[deathvalleyqueen]

🍓🍓🍓 + mj, 🍓🍓🍓 + sean & 🍓🍓🍓 + mac 💋

I am going to finish it because it’s #savemac2020 rights hours.... also... thank you and I am sorry it took me so damn long to finish this! The rest of the children are under the cut. 

Mac dropped out of high school when he was 16 and spent his later teen years working for his father’s less legal business. Mostly running numbers and doing petty theft. It was on one of these little petty theft adventures that Mac got caught and arrested. He was just 18 at the time and the Judge was an ex-Marine. He gave Mac the option of enlisting in the military... or Jail... Mac took the Military. 

The only person he ever talks to about what happened during his time in the Army is MJ. Just because he knows she isn’t going to make it public knowledge... because it’s not in MJ’s nature to that. Also, Mac has a soft spot for MJ always has. He is the one the dubbed her “Half-Pint” because she was always so much smaller than all the brothers.

Mac knits, it’s a hobby he picked up in the army to pass time. It’s a bit of an unexpected hobby but he finds the repetition to be really soothing and people like to get handmade things, though for a lot of years he told people MJ or his mom made the gifts because he didn’t want people to think less of him. 

When Sean was kid his favorite cartoon was Pinkie and the Brain, and he usually keeps the theme song set as MJ’s ringtone on his cellphone because he always called her “Pinkie” and she called him “Brain”

Sean’s favorite band is Metallica, he actually started to teach himself guitar in middle school just so he could eventually learn how to play his favorite songs. He was also in a band in high school that wanted to play heavy metal but as Sean puts it now it was “one step above nails on a chalk board”.

He, Bobby and MJ all drive Automatics vs Manuals because their father got so frustrated trying to teach Sean how to drive a manual that he gave up and taught the him and the younger kids eventually to all drive in their mother’s Minivan.

As a kid MJ rarely got to have a say in what toys she ended up getting but one year Jimmy (who was already a teenager), Mac, Sean and Bobby, all saved up their allowance to get her a Furby because it was “the hot toy” everyone wanted and they knew that their parents would never get it for her. She loved it... till the thing would just make the most demonic noises in the middle of the night. She got it for Christmas but the time the Fourth of July came around she was giving it back to the boys to strap fireworks to so they could see if would still keep being a demon after they blew it up.

MJ has a thing about blankets, there are so many through out the Ranch. Some fluffy, some quilts, some handmade. All sizes and there is with out a doubt at least 2 in every room. This is because she is always cold and even if she isn’t cold, when she is sitting on the couch reading. She requires a blanket for “comfort”. John think’s is adorable that she is grown woman who still needs her blankie... the one time he voiced this fact... MJ threw her book at him and told him to stop making fun of her.

The one actual comfort item that she has kept from her childhood is a stuffed lamb toy (yes Lambchop if you really must know) and it is kept for a lot of years in a box in the closet because she was keeping it for when she had her own kids. Then when Lily is born she gives it to her, then Rose has it for a few years and last she gives it to Grace and it’s the one thing that Grace actually still has from her mother and life before the Collapse.