#its the fucking wjat to we owe each other again. working out these reasonable rules is a never ending task
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im so fucking conflicted man, like this is making me cry
#not just about that previous thing#but also.....#i need rules to function in my head#how to decode good from wrong? rule: dont hurt people if you can avoid it#how to reasonably define hurting people#when i dunno what would hurt them? rule: as a baseline treat other people the way you would like to be treated unless they specify otherwisr#and jt works! it's a system#its the fucking wjat to we owe each other again. working out these reasonable rules is a never ending task#but when talking to people....#im like a programming language#so i can do a lot! but i have to be instructed. when dealing with exceptions/problems when i don't know what exactly to do to say to react#but like. i have issues with my self esteem i guess. for.no reason#how am i supposed to talk about it to people. why would i do that? how can i ask for advice if i already know what i am going to do?#i live in my head#and im so tired of this#i wish i could be myself or lobotomized#ive been feeling this pulled-taut rope in ky stomach whenever i think about my social life#i wish itd snap and ill awkwardly cut everyone off again#which makes me a hypocrite because im breaking a rule. im choosing to hurt people for my own convenience#does anybody elses brain work this way and PLEASE is there a solution? i need to stop thinking#so far mthe only solution ive found is grey zone (i dont know how to actually get real hard) drugs and a lobotomy#or just killing myself outright. i dont think i can do it yet but i wish i could#if i had a gun in my hands now for 5 minutes; as much as i want to i wouldn't be able to shoot myself#do you understand how this fact makes me feel even more like shit? depressed enough to wallow in self pity and misery not depressed enough#to solve it#just whine whine whine#i want to think like literally ANYBODY else think#i.want to.not need to make 10 yeat old ass rules for myself#but i dont know how to behave otherwise#im sorry i feel really bad
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