#idk im just stressed from everything today has been so bad
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i am going to kms
#having a like 2 minute cry bc he raised his voice and i feel awful ajdkbdksbdksb#it wasnt even an angry yell thing it was just an âshut up . stop itâ type yell ???? and im using yell very loosely here#it wasnt a yell but like a Louder Voice than normal#i didnt mean to make him feel bad idk i feel like an absolute piece of shit !!! i should die probably#i just asked if he wanted to get off with me n idk maybe i took the playful âfuck you wtf :(â type thing too far#i shouldve known tbh he said he was tired lol i probably shouldnt of asked in the first place#its fine i dont think he hates me but like âim sorry im tired okay ???â was like ajbskbdksb im sorry i didnt mean to !!!#like i know how being pressured into that sorta shit feels and i feel so bad i rlly didnt mean to make him upset#maybe it was me talking that was annoying#idk im just stressed from everything today has been so bad#on a stupid family holiday when all i want to do is just be at home and play games and sleep in a house that i know is safe#and hes working now so we cant talk very much and i missed him so maybe i was talking too much#i feel awful man i just want to applogise non stop but i literally Cant Talk and it hurts abdskbdks#to him this probably isnt a big deal but âŠ.#to me its kinda ??? like ive messed up ?????? he hates me now ?????? i made him feel like shit and that i only want him for sex ???? hhh#whatever idk im so tired i just wanna go home honestly#i want to restart the last 30 mins n literally just shut up#if only i could cut rn#jamie.txt
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...
#feelin weird. feelin real weird. in a bad way? no i guess not but more like im a haha wtf is happening here?#like i should maybe track my mood just so i can be like wtf is this? more bc i think its interesting#bc like i mean im spending ~11hrs in the lab and the stress has been real high and ive not been sleeping well#but like currently? i feel like i wanna run a mile. like i wanna run around in circles and scream and laugh until i cry#too much energy. too much energy. but y? where is it coming from? its weird#its like the edge of a headache. the cusp of turning. it doesn't quite feel bad yet but like i woke up at 4#and was insane until 6 when i had to get up and then i was in the lab all day until 6.30#and immediately i went for a run like empty stomach. i need to run now. and i still feel like that. like i need to run and run and run#but like y am i not exhausted? im not even tired? im vibrating#i watched the new successi0n episode twice and im losing my mind abt it#so its weird and i dont understand. but its not bad. it feels out of control like it feels fucked up but im not being like irradic#like if i was standing beside someone i dont think theyd notice. except maybe my sister bc i think if i talked id be noticeable#energetic. idk maybe im just exhausted and brain is pumping me with stress hormones so i csnt stop but i also csnt feel it#but i suspect its something to do with estrogen and progesterone levels changing which isnt great bc ive got a cycle that borders being#concerningly short but like idk rn its fun. im sure itll break and ill split apart but rn everything feels hilarious#its also weird bc im always like: y do i have so much energy after i dont sleep? is not sleeping thr answer. and today i was like hm#maybe i cant sleep bc i have too much energy. hm. idk its not bad. it doesn't feel bad#it just feels interesting and notable so im noting it. weird stuff. hopefully it pulls me thru tomorrow#bc my back fucking hurts lmao and its monday so ppl r back in the lab as i stand around for 11 hours#unrelated
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đ§žđ
#yesterday i asked my mom if i could just watch tv and talk to her for a bit today#i was sick for two days and i always feel so lonely and get stuck in a nightmare feeling anxiety state#and she was like.. yeah sure for a bit#but today she's just talking to my sister#nd my sister is like.... yeah she's said that she finds me annoying when im in the living room#so she thinks she has right to do so but not me#and my mom wont say anything bc if im being honest i think she'd rather spend time w my sister instead of w me#so... idk im just alone in my room as always#i feel super anxious abt tmrw when school starts again. so anxious!!!#bc they've switched to a new building nd i have never been there#idk exactly where it is. or how the doors work (from google maps it looks like it's one of those doors w a code)#idk where the classroom is or what the classroom layout is or anything#im just super stressed nd i wanted to just talk to someone for a bit bc i feel so lonely#but no.... its evening now and my sister has been in the living room all day#it also makes me sad bc my mom watches movies nd shows w her but whenever i ask she's just like yeah sure idk nd it never happens#idk i just feel so alone :'(((((#but at the same time spending time w ppl nd hanging out gives me anxiety nd maybe im just meant to do everything on my own idk#idk anything i just feel so bad nd im so anxious nd i feel like im stuck in a nightmare all alone. idk wanna have class. esp not english...#i have to speak english w my teacher nd just speaking swedish is hard skksksksk#whatever idk i just gotta do things ig
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drunk
FLUFFTOBER EVENT day ; 2 ! âȘŒ welcome to an event hosted by my mutual, @lia-loves in which me and some friends are going to be writing a couple of drabbles that fit the theme of halloween.
TODAYâS HOST ; gepard
CONTENTS ; drunk gepard, mentions of alcohol, fem!reader and uhmm idk what to add ITS ALMOST 12 GOODBYE HEADER CREDS UHH CAFEKITSUNE
in the past year, the city of belobog has been regaining its recognition in the cosmos and more and more people from different planets have been visiting, with this reconstruction thereâs been more festivals hostedâspecifically halloween.
âI, Bronya Rand, invite the people of the underworld and overworld to come celebrate the new festival we are introducing to belobogâ Halloween.â to be honest, bronya still isnât sure on exactly what this.. âhalloweenâ, is, but Pela said that a lot of planets celebrate it during the month of october and that it would be fun if they did too.
âThis festival will include a bunch of exciting events, from apple bobbing, ghost hunting, haunted houses etc.â Pela added, she was very excited to try all the games with lynx.
everyone in the crowd cheered, this festival sounded like a lot of fun and people immediately started making plans and discussions.
you work under the supreme guardian and were also entrusted with setting up the games and such, whilst your boyfriend gepard had to clear the fragmentum activity and ensure no disruptions will happen during the event, he did want to spend the festival having fun with you, but belobogâs safety will always come first for him.
heâs despised alcohol since the day he drank it, a little bit because of how bitter it is, mainly because of his low alcohol tolerence, he might seem strong but heâll be knocked out after 1 glass.
and on-duty, he should have a clear mind, so why did he get so tempted after seeing dunn waste himself. he should of done the right thingâhe should of scolded him, and that he should commit to his duty.
so why is he seconds away from unconsciosness right now?
he was already feeling nauseous, but somehow more at ease, like all his worries have washed awayâit must be the effect of the alcohol, damn it. just as his eyes blink shut, he feels a soft familiar voice calling his name and dragging him.
âgepardd, are you awake?â you shake your hand over his face. âbaby, i can see your eyes are open, come on, repeat after me, one.. two..ââ
âim awake. im.. awake.â he sits up in panic. âi.. i did a horrible thing last night. was everything okay?â he groans, a sharp pain hitting his head as your hands move to rub his head.
âeverythingâs okay, geps.â you chuckle. âyou got so drunk last night, what were you thinking?â you put your hands on your hips, giving him a faux-dissapointed look.
âim sorry, i wasnât in the right mind. i was under a lot of strââ you shut him up with a fleeting peck to his lips. âim only kidding!â you laugh. âmiss bronya decided to give you the day off when she heard what happened to you, she felt really bad that she didnât realise how stressed you were.â gepard gives an acknolowdging(i fucking forgot how to spell this we BALL) hum. âi see.â he would reject the day off, since heâs serious about his duty but spending the day with you sounded a lot more appealing.
âthen let us go, what was it again? ah, to the haunted house. shall we?â
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As soon as I finished my ask I saw you went to the hospital, Idk what happened but sincerely hope you're doing better now
I am!! Honestly if anyone wants to know it was honestly a really weird out of pocket thing. I'm a disabled person, who suffers from scoliosis and arthiritis and other physical defencicies because genetics and idk, I'm just the unlucky one of my family (immune disorders and bone issues also run in my family).
I already had a struggle at the beginning of August where my muscles became extremely inflammed for no apparent reason (at the time my doctor hypothosized it was perhaps the beginning of an immune disorder forming as a reaction to me getting sick the week prior to it) and it rendered me more or less paralyzed. My limbs were weak, my legs were weak, my entire back was too weak to support my body. I couldn't walk, I could barely stand, and I could not get up if I sat down. I couldn't even open a ziplock back because my hamstrings were just Not responding (I could not bend my arms and grip things). But after 2 days of rest it slowly loosened up and I was like okay. weird. scary. lets hope this doesn't happen again? (also it made me take a week off work and I was paid in pennies for that, so financially it was even a worse issue LOL).
but a month later (2 weeks ago from now), it happened AGAIN. My original choice of action was like ok. I guess Ill try sleeping this off again too. But i ended up falling really hard on my side the next day getting up so I couldn't do anything; even crawling was extremely painful. Called my dad, whos like in his 60s and im over 200 pounds so he couldn't lift me and it ended with me calling the paramedics and getting lifted to the hospital and I was wheelchair bound as they took my vitals and it turns out I was lethally low on potassium which meant my body was paralyzed and if I tried sleeping it off I would have passed away in my sleep bc my heart would have slowed down until it stopped!!! so... a good thing I ended up falling? Otherwise I would have died later that night.
They kept me overnight on ivs to get my potassium back up to par and it hasnt really dipped since then. The weird thing is it was spontaneous; nothing in my diet and in my habits besides like...mental stress (work cut the budget so I literally havent had a shift in a month since today and have been living off my life savings and friends' donations to help me stay afloat w rent.,..its Bad. Ive been trying to get disability stuff filled but they make it REALLY TOUGH even when you are disabled like I am) but that isn't even enough of a factor for such a lethal drop. They said it appeared to be a slow gradual drop in potassium too instead of like a quick sudden one, which was why I was slowly going paralyzed over the course of a few days rather than just it happening suddenly (and if it dropped suddenly I'd have had a heart attack and died, so). Went to my PCP, he has no idea. Got so much blood drawn these past few weeks I now have a permanent needle and discoloration scar from where the IV drip was, lol, and I JUST scheduled with a kidney doctor since potassium is processed through kidneys, so...maybe Ill get an answer. Desperately searching google and the only real thing that comes up is this very rare like 1% disease that just is your body slowly begins to struggle processing potassium on its own and usually medications fix that... but idk how I'd even have that since nothing like that runs in my family.
Needless to say it was very weird, very frightening, and most of all financially FRUSTRATING. My insurance covered everything bc im extremely broke, but not working at all for like a month straight on top of it has absolutely devastated me and sapped out all my creativity</3 THAT SAID! I am trying to stir myself to draw again!!!!! I have ideas!!!!! i wanna DRAW! WRITE! Its just a matter of..getting myself to do it. And also there's a league of legends event so Ive been grinding out the battlepass since Ive been on standby for work shifts for a fucking month, lol.
also as for the cat!! Kitty i kept for 2 weeks and my sister and her husband took the kitty from me saturday because theyre gonna try adopting her! and if it doesnt work out theyre gonna help find a suitable home for her. She was very cute and I fed her everyday played with her gave her baths and slept with her and she definitely helped me feel a bit more Normal during such an abnormal time in my life. Here's a pic I took of her while she was hanging out w me!
she had very big sad eyes and a very squeaky meow
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Hey (with the intention of taking walks in a forest in the rain with you?)
How's your day been? (or how's it going?)
I don't really know what I was going to say, but hello from the abyss :) and is there anything you feel like ranting about right now? (sorry if it's a weird question, and you only have to answer if you feel comfortable to, but if you do, then it could be about anything - whether it's a life problem or a special interest)
And if you had to be any plant or part of nature, what would you be and why?
Anywho, sorry for bothering you and I hope something nice has happened or will happen to you today đȘŽ
YOU'RE NOT BOTHERING ME AT ALL!! i'm really happy to see you in my inbox
my day's just started (i just woke up) but my whole week has been really bad- i had all my exams crammed into this week and due to family reasons i couldnt study at all last week. usually i'm not so stressed out but i'm senior year now and everything is becoming real and i don't think i can handle it all.
i took a few quizzes last week for maths and my result was so bad (i got a B... which is bad to me)- its a reasonable score considering i didnt study (ive studied now and ik im ALOT better) but it still hit me hard because i'm so used to being "one of the smart kids" it terrifies me to be anything but (i feel like i'm nothing if im not smart)
i have my maths test today (i had 2 this week bc i do normal maths and specialist maths- that specialist maths threw me and im still a little sore over it so i feel like i'll do bad in my normal maths test- even though ik thats stupid bc i KNOW my normal maths content and im normally GOOD at maths... idk)
ig i've been panicking for my future alot lately. i dont want to disappoint anyone anymore and i want to be smart again but its getting so confusing đ
anyways thats basically most of what im feeling, sorry for ranting (but you did tell me to rant abt smtg hehe :))
i'll be okay tho, honest (so pls dont pity me, youve already done sm to help me by letting me talk abt this TvT)
also if i were a plant, i'd like to be a moonflower. blooming at night time sounds very nice to me and to be named after THE MOON is like the highest honour ever in my head :)
how about you? what plant would you be? what'd been happening in your life? đ
ty for the ask đ”âđ«
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how are you doing today :)
if iâm being completely honest: absolutely awful.
today was my first day back at school and it was the worst. iâm not talking to a lot of my âfriendsâ (read:all but one) because theyâve all collectively shown me that theyâre not great friends, and i donât like to surround myself with negative people, but unfortunately at my school thatâs pretty much everyone so it just makes for a very lonely day. and plus my best friend has cancelled on hanging out with me 3 times in the last week, and we were supposed to do something thursday this week but she cancelled yet again this morning because she spontaneously has to go to a theme park thursday :( and also whenever i talked to her today i could tell she wasnât really listening, or we would be hanging out with her boyfriends friends and one of them very clearly doesnât like me so i felt so awkward everytime i tried to participate in convoâŠ
and my school is changing a bunch of their policies even though everything was completely fine last year, so now we canât even use our phones in the halls during pass period because if theyâre seen theyâll get taken, weâre not allowed to listen to music during class, the only time weâre allowed to have them out is during lunch. and ik a lot of schools are doing that but itâs still super annoying because as a queer person in a catholic, homophobic, sexist school filled with homophobic, racist, sexist students, iâm not very interested in making new friends, so iâm just extra lonely and i really have to sit in my loneliness now. and they changed our lunch system so thereâs only two lunches instead of three, so itâs extra crowded and they had to open up a whole new room for people to sit in because itâs not big enough, and itâs an unorganized mess
plus, i have chronic migraines, so i woke up with a headache because i was clenching my jaw from stress all night, so i had a really bad headache all day and it felt like my head was just gonna roll off and i literally almost passed out like 3 times because i would get so dizzy when i stood up. i came home and went straight to bed with an ice pack, so its better now, but that was still very not fun and i wonât be surprised if it hurts again tomorrow :/
andâŠidk. i just hate the school year in general. itâs so hopeless to get home in the afternoon and feel like i canât start anything because the whole day is done. by the time i find the motivation to do what i enjoy, itâs already 9 oâclock and i donât feel like starting something like writing just to stop in a couple hours. or iâll do it and stay up and then iâm so exhausted in the morning so i feel like im dying. i really wanna leave this school, but im staying because they have one of the best art programs in the country. senior year i might just give up.
and i donât really get to relax for the rest of the week, tomorrow i have therapy (which i definitely need but i really hate doing things after school during the school week), wednesday i have to go wedding dress shopping with my sister pretty far away so ill probably get home from school, leave, and then come back and go to bed which will definitely make me feel like shit, thursday i have nothing thank god. and then i have friday off because itâs a holiday weekend but i have to move my sister into her dorm, and that will be depressing as fuck because sheâs literally my best friend in the world and we have a really small age gap between us so weâve always been super close and iâm gonna miss her like crazy. so.
sorry, i dumped all my problems on you :/ how was your day? hopefully better <3 thanks for asking
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Average Weekly Screentime - Chap 9: It's Snowing
pairing: Jake Peralta x Amy Santiago
word count: 3458
warnings/tags: college au, texting, drunk texting, text fic (mostly, there's prose a few chaps in), bets, bisexual!jake peralta, jake peralta has adhd, parties, drinking and alcohol, sexual references, implied sexual content (nothing explicit, just suggested its going to happen/has happened), friends to lovers, swearing, mentions of cannibalism, lighthearted threats of violence (typical rosa stuff yk), fluff
read on ao3
Average Weekly Screentime masterlist
Story Summary: texting fic college AU with the squad! It's the beginning of the school year and while everyone else thinks it'll be the same as the previous year, Gina has a feeling things are going to be different and wagers a bet with Rosa and Charles. Told through all the various group chats everyone is in.
Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10
authors note: N/A
Unnamed Chat
[10:30am, Monday]
Jake:Â hey ter what do u do when ur scared
Terry:Â Um.. Terry:Â I donât know if Iâm qualified to give advice about this
Jake:Â idk if i can ask amy out
Terry:Â Ah, right. Now this Iâm more qualified for Terry:Â If you think that taking a risk this big comes with not being scared at all then Iâve got bad news for you man
Jake:Â shit.. for real?
Terry:Â Real Terry:Â If you try and plan too much or overthink then youâre gonna psych yourself out Terry:Â Just ask her when youâve got a moment alone
Jake:Â we just had a class together alone and then walked to the next class together alone.. Jake:Â and i still couldnt do it
Terry:Â Give yourself a pep talk right before you hang out and when youâre all pumped just go for it
Jake:Â hmm okay Jake:Â i can try
Terry:Â I donât know what else to tell you, this isnât a dip your toe in and check the water kind of situation
Jake:Â ur right ur right
Terry:Â Best of luck, itâll be fine
Jake:Â thanks ter
Terry:Â And if it all goes wrong then you can listen to Taylor Swift and cry ;)
Jake:Â im gonna kill gina
-
Heâd already spent all weekend making himself feel guilty that he hadnât asked her out yet, and his determination was waning each day that passed. All of Saturday he kept thinking how he shouldâve asked her on Friday, and how he should ask her today instead. Then when Sunday rolled around he kicked himself for not asking on Saturday, and over again by the time Monday came around.
The excuse he made was that he didnât see Amy in person on the weekend, so how was he supposed to ask? He couldnât text her, he was a gentleman and wouldnât do Amy the dishonour of asking her out via text.
Sunday night he tried to hype himself up that heâd ask on Monday, then he saw Amy on Monday morning for their classes that day and once again the cowardice took over. They had come so far since their toleration of each other a year ago, Jake was so scared to ruin it all.
The two of them sat in their classes, Amy took diligent and detailed notes as per usual while Jake tried to keep up with her. But he couldnât stop the smile creeping across his face knowing that Amy would automatically make a copy of her notes to give to him, and how he found hers to be less confusing than his own disjointed notes.
Everything was colour coordinated between topics and headings and classes, she would use the copier in the library so Jake had the pages too, she even started sending him the ones she typed up. He had mentioned once that he felt bad, like she was doing all the work and he just benefited from it.
âNotes are nothing, you have to actually complete all the assignments Iâm just giving you the information told to us written down. Besides, I like doing itâ was how she had responded matter-of-factly, as if it wasnât the biggest thing in the world that she went out of her way to help him.
How he probably would need to repeat classes and would be stressed from head to toe if it hadnât been for her just giving him notes. But the pages also felt like parts of her, her handwriting and always correct grammar. The colours of her specific highlighter set which Jake would borrow to colour in the pictures he drew in the corner of his copies when he was bored.
She had woven herself so easily into his life and Jake was in no way eager to untangle himself.
-
Skipping School Is(nât) Cool
[03:26pm, Monday]
Cameron:Â Phone break over Cameron:Â Back to the essay plan
Ferris:Â 5 more mins???
Cameron:Â Youâll feel bad about yourself if you donât do it
Ferris:Â uuggghhh ur right
Cameron:Â I know I am, now look up from your phone and talk to me like a normal person
Ferris:Â u got it
-
âWhen was the last time you ate?â Amy asked seemingly out of nowhere when Jake had put his phone down.
âUh I donât know, like one-ishâ Jake answered, confused.
âHave thisâ Amy reached into her bag and pulled out a granola bar, handing it to Jake.
He held it and just stared at it, unable to form words at the gesture.
âYou focus better when youâre not hungryâ She answered his unasked question while returning to her studying.
âThanksâ He said quietly, opening the bar and eating it.
He ate the granola bar and mused on the metaphorical weight of it. She had it in her bag just for him, he knows that because she doesnât like this brand (he had to listen to the five minute long rant about it) so she had it just for him. She knew what helps him focus, although now his mind was transfixed on a damn granola bar so much he barely had room for essay plans.
Finally, after at least 20 minutes of mild crisis and definite overthinking heâd hyped himself up, Amy wouldnât have brought a granola bar for nothing and she wouldnât copy all her notes for nothing, and she wouldnât help him for nothing.
She wouldnât spend nearly five hours with him on a Thursday evening while they had dinner together and laughed and told stories for nothing. She didnât even suggest inviting their friends to dinner.
Jake cleared his throat.
âHey Ames, can I ask you something?â He tried to mask the nervousness in his voice.
âYeah sureâ She didnât look up from her book but her pen did notably stop moving.
âI was just wondering if-â
He was cut off by the sound of a phone vibrating against the table, Amyâs screen lighting up with the contact name âMomâ. She quickly pressed a button to stop the vibrating and let the call go to voicemail.
âSorry about that, go onâ She said hurriedly, now looking at him directly.
âUm I was just gonna ask-â
Her phone started vibrating again, same contact name and Amy groaned in frustration this time.
âSorry Iâve gotta take it, sheâll just call again if I donâtâ She was holding her phone, annoyance written all over her face at having to take the call.
âThatâs fine, go aheadâ He smiled at her, not quite reaching his eyes, âtell her I said hiâ He joked, making her laugh lightly before she got up and walked off to go outside, answering the call on her way out of the library.
Jake sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair, he rubbed a hand over his face and groaned in frustration probably a bit too loudly for library etiquette. The confidence was gone, when she got back he was going to brush it off and move on.
So much for psyching himself up over a damn granola bar.
-
Jimmy Jabbers
[08:10am, Tuesday]
Pineapples:Â good morning sluts
Queen G:Â whats got u in such a good mood
Pineapples:Â idk just feel like today is gonna be good
Mr Grapes:Â Love that energy! Today IS going to be a good day
Four Eyes:Â Good morning!
RoRo:Â i am not on board with this energy
Queen G:Â yeah idk about this
Pineapples:Â u two are no fun
RoRo:Â good
-
Skipping School Is(nât) Cool
[08:55am, Tuesday]
Ferris:Â i hate to do this to u but im gonna be late to class
Cameron:Â Seriously?? Why??
Ferris:Â thought i had time to go get coffee but the coffee shop did not have time for me
Cameron:Â Fine, Iâll let the professor know
-
[09:10am, Tuesday]
Cameron:Â You canât show up to class late bringing coffee for both of us!
Ferris:Â but i did and u cant do anything about it Ferris:Â and i havent gotten a thank u yet
Cameron: âŠThank you Jake
Ferris:Â ur welcome! Ferris:Â now stop texting me ur distracting me
Cameron:Â Oh my god
-
She was embarrassed he had walked into class late, sat down next to her and handed her a cup of coffee in front of the whole class and professor. Amy didnât want that kind of attention on her during class, the only attention she wanted was when answering a question correctly.
But she couldnât stay mad for long, he had bought coffee for her too without her even asking. The coffee wasnât the only thing warming her up on what was a severely cold morning, her heart over the moon at his thoughtfulness.
Jake wouldnât have just bought her a coffee for no reason, right?
The lesson continued on and Amy was thankful for the distraction, getting to focus completely on her notes and the work assigned instead of Jake. Although, he was always there even if she didnât realise it â the smell of his cologne mixed with coffee on his breath, his foot almost touching hers as they sat next to each other and the occasional bouncing of his leg which caught her eye.
They walked out of class together and as Jake told her about the coffee shop situation, she decided that today was the day she asked him out. She had to do it before she lost her nerve or was left alone long enough to over think and talk herself out of it.
She swore she was going to do it, they walked all the way to Amyâs next class together. He had just followed her there, despite not having the next class together. There was finally a break in the conversation.
âUh Jake?â She tentatively approached.
âYeah?â
âI just wanted to know-â
His phone pinged with a notification, and she just about wanted to destroy every phone in existence.
âSorry just a secâ
âNo problemâ
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen quickly, eyes going wide as he began swearing under his breath.
âShit, Iâm lateâ He shoved his phone back in his pocket and looked back up at Amy, not noticing the way her next class were filing into the classroom, âWhat were you saying?â
He asked her to continue, and Amy wanted to so badly but he was late and she was nearing to be late. The moment had gone and sheâd lost her steam.
âDonât worry about it, get to classâ She shook her head and smiled, trying to play nonchalant and being thankful that Jake didnât seem to notice.
âOkay, see yaâ
Amy said goodbye back as Jake started to rush away towards his next class, once his back had turned she deflated and sighed before walking into her next class. Once again, grateful for a distraction from Jake.
To make Amyâs luck even worse, her and Jake didnât get a moment alone for the rest of the day. Charles joined them to study and then he and Jake had dinner together â Amy was invited, but after the failed attempt earlier that day she wasnât in the mood to socialise.
That evening instead of studying she spent her night getting lost in a book, a romance one where she childishly pictures her and Jake in the positions of the main characters. She goes to sleep hoping tomorrow sheâll have the courage to ask him- tell him how much she wants to be with him.
-
Skipping School Is(nât) Cool
[08:35am, Wednesday]
Ferris:Â hey uh will u have a spare minute at all today? Ferris:Â i know we dont usually study today but yeah
Cameron:Â Um Iâm not sure, I have a few classes and then Iâm having a meeting with one of my teachers
Ferris:Â meeting??
Cameron:Â I wanted to discuss some of the syllabus for this semester and this is the first chance sheâs been able to fit me in since we got back from holidays
Ferris:Â ah ok fair enough
Cameron:Â Why do you need a minute? Is something wrong?
Ferris:Â no nothings wrong i was just wondering :)
Cameron:Â Okay, have a good day!
Ferris:Â i will try
-
As it turns out, Amy didnât have a spare minute all day.
Jake was fidgety all day, he had woken up and decided once again that today was the day he was going to ask her out â but heâd thought that for the past two days and so far hadnât been successful so the hope was dwindling.
He ran into Gina at the coffee shop who said he probably didnât need any more caffeine judging by how nervous he looked.
âWhat do you mean?â He asked with an offended look on his face.
âYou have the same look on your face when weâre in line for a rollercoasterâ She had responded.
âHow do you even remember information like that?â
He order was called out and Gina waited until he was standing next to her to answer.
âBecause Iâm a good friend and you always look so scared before a rollercoaster itâs a bit funnyâ She smiled deviously upon saying her last point, âSeriously, whatâs wrong?â
Ginaâs order was called before he could answer and when she had picked it up she dragged him to sit down at a table together, Jake has resigned himself to the notion that he wasnât getting out of this conversation.
âSo spill, you never keep secrets from meâ She punctuated her sentence with a sip of her drink.
âI know but I dunno if I wanna tell you this one⊠yetâ He fidgeted with his cup on the table, not being able to hold eye contact with Gina for too long.
âAlright fine. Itâs nothing bad, is it?â She asked with a raised eyebrow.
âNo itâs not bad, itâs actually pretty good but Iâm just feeling⊠a lotâ He had trailed off, unable to find a better word for the tornado of thoughts and emotions he felt on a daily basis.
âWell Iâm here whenever you needâ There was a few moments of silence between them as Jake gave Gina a smile that showed he understood her.
âNow that the gross stuff is out of the way I gotta tell you about my date on the weekendâ
âI donât know why you dragged yourself into Sashaâs business but I need to hear all about it-â
-
Skipping School Is(nât) Cool
[05:25pm, Wednesday]
Ferris:Â hope ur day hasnt been too hectic :)
Cameron:Â It kind of has unfortunately Cameron:Â Sorry for not being able to chat more
Ferris:Â thats okay
-
He was lying on his bed and wondering what to do, he hadnât seen her all day or spoken to her much and it made him miss her. Finally, he was fed up with being scared, Jake gave himself a pep talk.
Youâre gonna tell her and itâs gonna be fine. If she doesnât like you back then thatâs okay, you will just pretend it never happened. If she does like you back then⊠weâll cross that bridge if we get to it. You are not a coward, you arenât your father, you can ask out the girl you like. Itâs not even that big of a deal- except that it kind of is- but it isnât so its fine. You can do this Jake Peralta, donât be a coward.
A newfound excitement surges through his body and without much further thought heâs slipping his shoes on and leaving his dorm in a rush. He all but runs through the building to get outside, hoping the frosty air will cool him down a little as adrenaline pumps through his veins.
He exits the building and the first thing he notices when he gets outside is that itâs snowing, lightly falling and probably getting caught in his hair. He pays it no mind as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and begins typing furiously, not bothering to look where heâs going â he knows the way to Amyâs dorm like the back of his hand.
-
Skipping School Is(nât) Cool
[06:23pm, Wednesday]
Ferris:Â r u in ur dorm? Ferris:Â can i come over? Ferris:Â draft message: plea
-
He wasnât able to finish his frantic messages as he bumped into someone also walking down the path looking at their phone. Without thinking Jakeâs arms go to steady the person he bumped into, ready to apologize profusely and keep speed walking to Amyâs dorm.
Upon looking up at the person whoâs shoulders he now had a hold on he realised heâd bumped right into Amy. Her nose and cheeks were red from the cold, a scarf wrapped around her neck and Jake noticed how pretty the snow looked as it fell into her hair.
She instinctively reached out for him to steady herself, her hands settling on his biceps and Jake felt like his skin was on fire despite the harsh cold. Amy breathlessly said his name as they stood there holding onto each other and not moving.
âWhere were you-â
âWhat are you-â
They had both started speaking at the same time and then stopped to laugh at the mistake.
âI was on my way to your dormâ Amy spoke first.
âI was going to your dormâ Jake responded in slight disbelief.
Her eyebrows rose in surprise at his explanation, and her lips were slightly parted as if about to say something but not knowing what.
âWhy?â
That was the response she had finally settled on and Jake swore there was a look of hope in her eyes, her hands holding onto his arms just a little bit tighter. He knew it was now or never, and how could he lie to her any longer. Amy was all he wanted.
âI was coming to see you, to ask you on a date, and- if youâd be interested- ask if I could be your boyfriendâ
It was rushed and frantic sounding, but Jake smiled the whole time because it was finally happening and as he said it Amyâs face didnât turn into one of disgust but something softer â one of relief and joy.
âThatâs a bit of a coincidence thenâ She joked, earning a laugh from the both of them.
âOhâ was all Jake could manage in that moment, trying to process how Amy was on her way to ask him out.
He immediately felt so silly for all the hesitation and trepidation he had been feeling, he was scared for nothing. Amy liked him back, Amy had been rushing to ask him the same question he wanted to ask her. He wasnât being rejected.
âWell in that case-â He was able to speak now that his brain had caught up, and pretended to kneel down, Amy still holding onto him.
âDonât you dare kneelâ She scalded him, but there was no bite or malice behind it as the smile spread across her face gave her away.
Jake laughed and stood again, using his hold on her shoulders to bring her closer and carefully sliding his hands down to her waist.
âAmy Santiago, will you do me the pleasure of being my girlfriend and going on at least one date with meâ He looked into her eyes, trying to stop tears of joy welling up in his.
âJake Peralta, I would love for you to be my boyfriend, and I will happily go on a million dates with youâ
They both laughed again as Jake brought his forehead towards Amyâs, touching lightly with their noses so close he could feel the heat coming off her. He didnât know why they were laughing, nothing particularly funny had happened but he supposed this is what itâs like to be so happy you donât know what else to do.
But he knew what else he wanted to do.
âCan I kiss you now?â He asked quietly, so only she could hear.
âPleaseâ Her response was immediate, no hesitation and Jake could only guess she had been waiting a while for this moment.
He leaned in and pressed their lips together, and it was everything Jake had imagined it to be. Her lips were soft and she tasted like how her lip balm smelled. Amyâs arms moved to wrap around Jakeâs neck as she fully leaned into him, while his wrapped around her back to hold her even closer.
Jake could feel her smiling into the kiss and couldnât help but smile back, when they finally pulled apart he was out of breath and trying to figure out whether it was all a dream.
Amy placed one more kiss to the corner of his mouth and finally Jake could confirm it wasnât a dream.
Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10
authors note: Another chapter out so quick because the passion with which i wrote this section is craazzyy! last chapter i said there would probably only be one more but that was a lie! This is probably the second last chapter and i'll have one last one to wrap it all up!
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was so fun to write and i'm really happy with it! Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos - i'll have the next chap up as soon as I can <3 <3
#alice writes#jake peralta x amy santiago#jake peralta#amy santiago#gina linetti#rosa diaz#charles boyle#fluff#college!au#bisexual!jake peralta#brooklyn nine nine#b99#multi chap#average weekly screentime
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rambling vent (still on my trip tho, sorry for the inactivity for those who didn't know)
Last full on my trip rn but i am feeling exhausted,,,, đđđđ Tomorrow will be heading home,,, thinking about all the airport stuff has me stressed (not the flying part, I like being high up, its just like the security and people stress me),,, đ
The trip has been fun mostly,,, but not relaxing in the slightest đđđ Its been nice to see my older brother since we can geek out about OP together in person, and he like gave me some gifts for it,,,,, but without getting into it,,, there are reasons i dont like being around him either,,, so its a mixed bag đ«€ and my dad is such a misogynist and bigot having to hear the shit he says and not being able to leave when he says it is infuriating đđđđ
I am such a shut in, and normally leave the house like maybe 5 times a month if even that,,,,, so going out and about for 9 days straight is alot for me- i know thats nothing to most "normal" people,,,,, but for someone in my life/situation it's alot,,,,,,, being around people and being active so much has me drained completely đđđđđ Im feeling such burn out,,,, and I miss my cats (especially my lil baby ET,, she is very codependent towards me so I've been worried how she has been holding up đą), also since i was scared of them getting broken or stolen on the plane- i didnt bring my Chop or Brook figures and i miss them too!! I need my wife and bf đđđđ Not bring my main comfort items was a big mistake,,, but the stress of something happening also was too much- so I couldn't win either way,,,,
I always feel awful when I get this level of burn out / sad feeling on a trip,,,, they're supposed to be a good time but I've held back from crying a few times now,,,, I just wanna be home in my own bed, shower where im familiar with, being able to do stuff on my own pace, just like my regular routine stuff in general đđđđ At the same time going back home means having to deal with some family i dislike being around- which I am not looking forward to,,,, đđđ
Burnout sometimes will put me in depressive episodes, and feeling emotional highs my crashing is always bad,,,,,, đđđđđđđđ
ALSO I MISS GETTING ON HERE!! IM MISSING SO MUCH NOT BEING ABLE TO CHECK ANYTHING đđđđ tumblr crashes too much for me to check anything on my phone,,,, i really hope yall are doing good,,,, like idk if my absence has been noticable or cared about? (/nm) but i do miss yall alot,,, miss seeing your creations and ships đđđ it will be too much to check 9days worth on everyone pages so i am sorry for everything i missed
-
But anyways just have to make it though today and the flights tomorrow đ then things can go back to normal
#this is incoherent my thoughts are jumping around but this is typed off the dome so sorry about that#my post#also i dont have the energy to read it over so sorry for the typo or any autocorrects that make this hard to read
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Hi cas, its talkitive mom anon. (I think thats what it was)
This ask doesnt really have that much to do with my other ask but i thought it would be helpful, so i dont have to expalin it all again.
Basically, i dont know if my parents are that bad or not. A lot of my friends tell me that my parents are bad and i always say something along the lines of "im fine, my parents are great really, dont worry about it, im not in a bad situation".
What made me send in this ask is that i had a conversation with my friend today and we were talking about our futures and how moving a lot affected our perspectives of where we want to live. She brought up that when i move back to the states she doesnt want me to 'self sabotage' by living close to my parents. It made it sound like my parents are really bad but idk if they are. I think i talk about them negatively bc im frustrated but igim frustrated at them a lot? She also asked how looking for a therapist was going (my mom wanted me to get one and i told her that i was warming up to the idea bc my mom was gonna force me anyway) i told her that i dont think its gonna happen anymore bc i think my mom decided im fine enough and that i dont need one anymore? She hasnt brought it up since we talked about it like a month and a half ago. And me and my mom have barely been able to have one conversation without arguing.
Tbh for a while now ive just felt like im a horrible child. And that im just ungrateful and i should be nicer and more positive about things. I just feel like a horrible person. I feel like i need to fix myself so that my parents like me more bc its my fault isnt it? I talked to my brother and he cant think of many times that my parents made him feel the way i do. So its either bc he never complains about my parents or bc hes just the better child. My parents have also been fighting more and it stresses me out. Im just so tired of screaming matches one second and the next my mom and dad acting like everything is normal and we all suddenly like eachother again. My mom has been telling me to stop crying a lot lately also. And i feel like she right. I overreact too much and thats probably the reason that i even think that my parents might be bad.
Anyway this has become more of a vent than a question. Sorry for ranting. Do you think im the problem though?
Hi hon! I definitely don't thin you're the problem <3
Listen, I don't know your parents but based on what you've told me, they definitely have their own issues. That doesn't make them HORRIBLE, but that means they're human and they make mistakes. I think when you're in the middle of a situation like you are, it's harder to see when people you love are making decisions that could be hurtful. If your friend is concerned, she could be right!
If it was me, I would go to a therapist. Therapists are awesome for sorting out healthy from unhealthy. Tell them about the dynamic in your family and ask them their opinion. They're professionals and they can get background that I can't. They can also help you identify where you parents have been wrong and where you may have been wrong in different situations. Plus, therapy is good for everyone.
Sending love!
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early marriage anon guy here:
thanks for not publishing the other asks, they got a bit wordy and I donât want to bring Discourse down upon your house.
to clarify what i was getting at a little bit, I donât think that itâs a causal thing. I think itâs much more likely that what Iâm seeing is a combo of âpeople who emotionally mature quickly are more likely to be happy & successful adults, and also more likely to form stable relationships at a relatively young ageâ and âif youâre in your late twenties, everyone you know whoâs in a successful LTR got together fairly young, because of how math worksâ
What Iâll absolutely argue is that getting into an LTR comparatively young doesnât seem to be incompatible with becoming a happy and successful adult, and I wish we didnât discourage people from that path in the states. Many young men seem very hung up on the societal expectation to have a womanizer phase, and a lot of them donât seem to benefit from it too much, even if they pull it off.
overall benefits of sexual revolution that I think were good and important: kids somewhat later in life seems good, even for couples who paired up young, access to birth control helps women not get trapped in bad relationships, as does greater societal acceptance of divorce.
We havenât done anything real effective to reduce sexual violence, but people seem to take it more seriously. Iâm not sure how much it was ignored in the past though, other than marital rape being very much glossed over in the past. idk if that really has to do with the sexual revolution, but seeing it as unacceptable is a good change.
Overall, âbarefoot and pregnant at 20â is a bad thing to encourage as a society, I just worry that weâve shifted to encouraging conditions that lead to a lot of people being âsingle and childless at 32â, which is also not ideal for people being happy.
I honestly just hadn't gotten around to it! im busy:/
I think the main point I wanted to make in response was basically that while - like everything that gets sufficiently mainstream does - it's obviously been very much captured by the "there should be A Normal and there's something wrong with you if you're not it" crowd, the real point of sexual permissiveness was supposed to be permissiveness, not mandating.
Your female friends shouldn't feel antifeminist for not having a 'hoe phase'; it would be antifeminist of them to shame others for having one, but entirely feminist of them to enjoy settling down early as something that is no doubt safer and more enjoyable to do in a world where it can be a choice - moreover, a world where if it doesn't work out, they can call a divorce lawyer instead of looking up "undetectable poison for husbands" on Ye Olde Lady-Google.
Also, it's important to get your history right so you know what you're comparing shit to.
It used to be expected for a lot of men to have womaniser phases in the past! There's never been any strong expectation that a man be a virgin on his wedding night. Since for the most part Respectable Ladies that wanted to get married couldn't openly have a hoe phase, for men of the middle classes and up this took the form of economic sex tourism; patronising sex workers mostly drawn from lower economic classes. Because of the concentration of this activity into a relatively* small subset of the female population, and the state of protection and medicine available, this practice spread hella venereal disease which men then took back to their eventual wives and then your kid gets born with syphillis. Or you could fuck with women your own class and wind up getting sued because of you do it wrong, you've just scuppered that woman's access to financial stability and social acceptance for the rest of her life. Sounds stressful!
*relatively, meaning that there were far more sex workers than there are today. Stands to reason - compared to today's sex workers, they made bank!
Anyway, long story short this is a classic case of blaming modernity for something that's been around a long time.
What else - you talked about doing work in a relationship as if it was something you could get out of the way if you started early. Sadly that isn't how it works - when people say relationships take work, they mean the whole time.
It being harder to meet people in your thirties - the actual meeting part can be harder, but working out if you're compatible is typically a lot easier. You know a lot more about who you are and what you want than you did when you were barely not a teenager, and so do they!
And of course, people have always been single and childless in their thirties. Which is not that old!
And holy shit, there was a lot of sexual violence in the past. We've certainly reduced that a lot! You hear more about it because, as you say, people take it more seriously. But in a lot of pre-sexual revolution relationships, people, especially women, basically didn't have a choice about getting married and didn't have the right to refuse sex with their spouses. Plus the economic sex tourism was a hotbed of sexual violence.
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mommaa, idk what to do aaaa
long story short, im an age regressor/dreamer who hasn't done it in a while and started doing it again a few weeks ago and its been helping a lot with stress and stuff. i really wanna tell my bf about my regression (maybe??? ask him to be my babysitter/cg of sorts??). i really trust him a lot and ik hes a good person, but idk. its just something ive never even thought about telling anyone i know irl and im kinda scared, specially because it's a topic that most people from where i live haven't even heard about, much less know about. do u have any advice? (btw sorry for the rant lol, i just dont know who else to ask and u seem so nice)-đ
I'm happy regression has bene able to help! :D I love seeing people coping in a healthy way!
As for advice on telling your partner, I would start by asking if he's heard of it. For example; "I saw something online today about age regression. Ever heard of it?" Avoid talking about the k!nk communities. If you start the conversation with "It's not dd/lg though" then he will subconsciously be thinking about it while you're describing regression. If he brings it up ("that sounds like dd/lg or AB/DL") THEN you can explain its not the same and describe the differences.
Talk about your mental health and other coping mechanisms. If he's open to hearing them, you can go on to talk about nostalgic things and how they help (if nostalgia is part of your regression, it isn't for everyone). From there you can progress to explaining why regression helps you and why it's a healthy way to cope with negative emotions.
I hope everything goes well! And remember, you don't need to force yourself to tell people things about yourself if you're not comfortable with it. If you don't think he will take it well, you're not a bad person for not telling him đ
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hey love!! i have a LOT to say... so buckle in
one- new layout!
two- boyfriend is back from japan i missed him way too much đ
three- FAMILY DRAMA?!
my oldest brother has always been an asshole, ive also never been that close to him anyway, but he's still an asshole
and my middle brother is like literally my best friend and loves my boyfriend as well so yk we super close and shit
SO MY OLDEST BROTHER was talking shit about my relationship around my middle brother and my brother slapped him in the face (or maybe punched idek the whole story) so now everyone is like so confused and stuff (including me) and kao feels so bad bc he feels like he started it even tho its not his fault đ and my middle brother is stressing out bc he just "ruined his whole relationship with his brother" and my older brother... well idrk about him bc we talk only when we need to
anyway so today like at 12 the fam scheduled a zoom meeting so i can talk to everyone to try and see whats going on yk and there was this big argument between my mom and my oldest bro and now everything is so tense and stuff... BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE my exams are done and now i can focus on more things other than math and econ (regretting my major choices HARD rn)
hows your school and stuff? pls stay safe and drink lots of water <33
(omg whenever i ask someone about school i feel old)
i have so many stories i need to tell you but im going to hold it in so i dont write a whole novel
(sorry for my grammar and stuff i do math for a reason man)
THIS WAS BASICALLY A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!
iâm buckled in đ«Ą
firstly: youâre new layout is so cute <3
secondly: ahhh iâm picturing the romantic airport reunion! like running to each other at the airport đ
NOW HERES THE TEA đ” đ« !! I STAN YOUR MIDDLE BROTHER!! hopefully your oldest brother can see how much of a shit he was being and apologize. Also idk which brotherâs wedding your planning but he should either be thankful because a. youâre putting so much effort to help one of your brothers and shut his mouth or b. your planning his wedding so he should shut his mouthâŠeither way he should be quiet đ€
^^this gets me heated cause i have a good relationship with my only sibling and i would never talk shit about his girlfriend :( !!
eyyy i forgot itâs exam season and iâm regretting not studying because my exams are next week đą YOURE MAJORING IN MATH AND ECON??? youâre stronger than me đ° iâm basically failing calculus rnâŠiâm a business major basically meaning i donât know what do do with my life yet hahaha
school right now is basically the calm before the storm, all the teachers are rushing to get everything done before all the exams go down and finalizing all my college stuffâŠiâm planning on going on hiatus for a week or two during all my final exams but hopefully my haechan smau will be done by then đ€đ€đ€ and I'll still be online and stuff just wonât be posting and texts/reactions gotta keep my sanity somehow
also it was bring your child to work day today and i never felt so oldâŠ
iâm a grammar.ly person so if my grammar is wrong iâll blame it on the app being stupid,, the amount of times i re-read all my work to make sure everything is okay is honestly insane (if i say i havenât read over what iâve written it was because i was sleep deprived)
canât wait to here all your stories <3 my life is kinda boring rn sooo iâm all ears đđâ€ïž
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Day 12
This is honestly more or less a shitting on apex post. I apologies, but srsly. My time in Saigon has been so enjoyable, I really love this city and most of the experiences I have had, but the organization and communication style implemented by apex is making this less fun! Im in a bad mood, and had a bad day. Hereâs the play by play:
I feel like the zoom mediation class today really set my day up for failure. Ive been practicing mediation on and off for over half my lifeâ at this point Im pretty particular about what I like, and have tried out a lot of different styles to figure out what I enjoy and what works for me. This zoom meditation class lead by some man in southern California really was more of an hour long lecture of this dude talking about how he used to be depressed but now he isnt, and maybe 15 min of mediation max. I was all about work, like work like jobs, like capitalist meditation. When he said the phrase âhiring managers read your energy bodyâ I knew I had heard enough. Which was kinda for the best, because I started looking at my email and noticed two had just come in from apex! One contained information that said the pottery class on my sched started at 9am not 10am. I had been preped to get there at 10, and at the time I was reading that email, it was already after 9am. I called the studio and they said I could still attend, though I did miss an hour of workshop time. Also, once I got there they said the ceramics wont be ready for 2 weeks. In 2 weeks I wont be here anymore. Why wouldnât yall schedule this class earlier in my schedule? Also it was noted in my sched that the class would cost 40000 VND, but it was really 400000 VND. I also got an email from apex that I was RSVPd for a tech company business mixer. I hadnât noticed it on my schedule because it was set for the wrong time, the event was probably entered in EST, so it was coming up on friday instead of thursday and was kinda hidden by the other long event on my friday sched. This email was my first time hearing about it, and since I was already reeling from the meditation class and time change to pottery I was like wtfffff.
Like what type of weird ass shit is that? Send someone with no tech experience to an even that is intended for people working in tech and living in Vietnam? Its just like why send me to crash their party? I donât really understand, there are so many other places I could talk to strangers without being so out of place, like out of place in a way that kinda feels disrespectful and disruptive to the event. I dont mind being out of place or having to talk to stagers, but it just feels rude to show up to an event I rly have no business being at. Since the story slam, anything that comes off eventbrite I am very skeptical of.
Idk why nearly everything on the schedule feels like its made out to be a riddle. The times are wrong, the addresses are wrong. I can never just do what the calendar says and expect it to work out seamlessly. I feel like I spend so much troubleshooting shit that should already be taken care of.
Also I still havnt been reimbursed for this plane ticket?! Even though I sent the necessary info twice, and it says in a number of places that I can request reimbursement whenever id like. Similarly, the agreement I signed notes 45 days will be given in advance to get a visa if necessary, I was given 6 six businesses days notice. Like all of this is just causes what feels like /unnecessary/ stress, unless that feeling is all part of the program too? Im trying to just learn a lesson in loosing control.
Anyway, I went a little rouge today and didnt go to capoeira. I was emotionally exhausted, and my ankle is a little weird and clicky from walking so much. This is the first activity ive skipped-- I probably wouldnt have skipped it if I didnt already do the class last week, but knowing how intense it was, and how bad I felt, it was the right decision for me today. I cant wait for this upcoming day off. Two weeks non-stop is starting to get to me.
I went to a later screening of the movie since my evening was free, and wow, another movie centered around a traumatic pregnancy experience. The main character miscarried during a robbery at 6 months. I watched the trailer this time to avoid this type of thing, but it didnt reveal that plot point. actually the whole movie was actually about really toxic abusive relationships, but the trailer made it seem like a comedy. Anyway this was less fucked up than the abortion horror movie, but still fucked up. okay, but also the main character did ceramics, and i did a ceramics class this morning...was that planned? how curated are these days? I think this trip is the only time I have ever been in a movie theater without a friend or companion. Watching movies alone is totally new for me, just like how ive literally never used a pottery wheel before today. Also mark making scares me so painting the ceramic bowl I made was notably difficult for me. I am incredibly grateful for these experiences despite everything i just vented about.
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hii belle how have you been? it has been a long time since we talked how have u been tell me everything
my life has been eventfull so life update
1 i broke up w my now ex bf
it was a long time ago tho like 2 months ago?? he liked someone else and we broke up we ended up in good terms im not mad bc its his feelings we dont control that shit yk?? so im not mad im dissapointed he didnt tell me earlier?? bc ik he had feelings for atleast a week saurr yeah
2 mental health
my mental health has been shit i got suspended from school and that really took a toll on it (people pleaserđœđœ and burnt out gifted kid) im on my last 2 weeks of school and im so fucking stressed i have a chemistry exam on wensday that im so lost on i have my astronomy final a week from now i have a project to finish for next week and a paper that is due wensday that i think i lost i cried 4 times today bc of the stressed im just so tired im exausted
3 writing
i have been more consistent w my writing i have 3 series going on rn (one im still writing) but it has been truly an escape for me and im lowkey proud of myself
4 volleyball
im now training in volleyball i have training 3 times a week its very insanely frustrating bc im so bad and it drives me insane
i think that is it?? idk but yeah how have u been pls tell me juseyo
love auriđ
hi auri my dear, itâs so good to hear from you!! đ„°
first of all, iâm so sorry to hear about the circumstances of your break up, that sounds really tough and i feel for you. hopefully, youâre doing well on this matter and realise that you are so special and wonderful. youâre stronger than i am for not being mad, i would definitely be in a different place. đ
i REALLY get the whole burnt out gifted kid thing, itâs honestly so rough and confusing to be in school in that situation. mental health is such a hard thing especially when thereâs a lot of academic pressure on you, and i hope that you will be able to find some time for yourself after your final exams and projects are over. i wish someone had told me that my worth doesnât come from academic perfection a long time ago, and i hope that you can start to build a healthier relationship with academics in the future. you can do it, i believe in you!! đ„°đ„°
remember to take lots of breaks and do something that you love to reward yourself for finishing your exams, even if you arenât 100% happy with your results. đŠ
iâm so glad that writing has been an escape for you!! i think itâs extremely important to have hobbies and things that you do in your free time that are just for your own enjoyment. hopefully it will help a little with your mental health đ·
iâve been alright! my finals week just started and i have a lot on my plate, but once itâs over iâm going to have nearly a month of holidays to decompress and relax a little bit đđž
i have really been lacking in the writing department recently, iâve just been lacking a lot of inspiration and i havenât been able to write anything because iâve been so busy with school, tutoring, my internship, and college transfer applications. hopefully my next quarter will be less busy since iâm only taking three classes, and i think i should have more time to write and update here!
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Gonna do a vent post, thank you if you choose to read, I respect if you choose to keep scrolling! đ
Oh my god today is so hard. Even finding the words to describe is embarrassingly hard.
Kinda broke down to my boss this morning. I don't know if I had a full mental break but I got really close. I want to say she heard me but I also have this feeling that until I'm screaming and crying my mental health isn't taken seriously.
I'm tired of consistently starting my week having to finish someone else's job before I can even start mine, so many of the previous shifts assigned job duties have become mine (because obviously your fryer won't heat up if the vents aren't fuckimg turned on, among countless other things) and I have been telling my boss for going on a year now where this coworker needs to be talked to about improvement. This person is the type to improve in one area and drastically reduce in another. Why do they still have a job genuinely? Because my boss is more worried about finding someone to replace them than writing them up for their mistakes. Boss is "scared they'll quit" LIKE FUCKING GOOD. PLEASE. LET THEM GO.
Any time the morning shift coworker does something theyre "supposed to" it's like they find a way to do it wrong enough that it makes more work for me. What has me fucked up is this coworker ASKED ME TO TEACH THEM WHAT I WANT LEFT FOR ME WHEN I COME IN, I TAUGHT THIS COWORKER, AND THEY BLATANTLY DISREGARDED MY TEACHING UPON DOING IT THEMSELF. so why waste my fucking time? Disrespectful as fuck.
I genuinely have gotten past the point of rage to full blown dissociating. It's either that or I'm crying as I'm trying to do my job.
Could I tolerate this all if I at least got some kind of positive reinforcement from someone with a title or even a teammate? Possibly.
Am I aware I deserve better than this job has me feeling? Gods yes but we all know when you live in a small town and have been working somewhere for eons, it's not exactly easy to find another job at the same base pay youre currently at.
Idk. Boss told me they'll take it upon themself to make sure everything is done but that's not the point. That's a band aid fix and I told them that (im also almost certain we had the same discussion 6 months ago and here I am again) If I come in tomorrow and have to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with for the last year? I'm just going home. I have hundreds of hours of sick time, im going to start using them when I'm sick of the shit I'm dealing with. Ffs im not getting a prize or even a happy team of coworkers by burning myself like this. "If I don't do it-who will" headass stupid fucking expression I used to gaslight myself into thinking this is okay
ITS FUCKING NOT OKAY. I'm stressed in my personal life and need change and the fact I've had to spell that shit out to my boss countless times??? Fuck outta here I could take a month off with solid sick time and still have enough left to do it for another month. Suck my ass im done being your bitch, figure out how to fix your store or figure out how to replace an employee that ACTUALLY does their job along with the one that doesnt!!!
I feel great having let that all out via text but im still struggling so fucking much. I just want to go home and sleep. And that's bad. I know I have things to do but I can't muster the energy because I'm using it all to fake normal through my work day. This isn't living. And I want to escape. All my old vices are begging me to come home. How do you tell your loved ones you're struggling when it's like they don't hear the words as they leave your mouth?
Genuinely. I feel like my mental health won't be taken seriously until I break. Why do I have to break first?
Buy a multivitamin, use the therapy light, keep on keeping on because everyone's fight is just as bad as mine. I'm just stuck in the dumps about it.
Do I need a friend? Or will they turn me into their shoulder to cry on when I ask if they'll be mine?
Editing to add other things on my mind that I'm only irritated about when I'm already feeling low:
Its been probably a month now since I paid someone for something I still haven't recieved? Like I understand life gets in the way and external circumstances, but telling me twice that I'll be getting tracking the next day and both times I've not gotten tracking? Atp just ask if I want my money back, honestly willing to cut my losses because the person I paid has gifted me shit for the same amount I'm currently out, I'm just feeling awkward and having trauma triggered because I've already asked what's up twice. And I'm pretty sure my reply from last time is still unopened and unread. :/
On the same topic, different person I paid, commissioned some art and it's also been multiple months with no updates. I reached out to their business page thinking it was something on my end I forgot to get to, yeah they have also not checked their business page. Again, I respect life happens. But a little communication would be DIVINE. Another situation where I will most likely be cutting my losses because I have learned not to spend/give more money than you're willing to lose. But im still irritated about it.
#sunnie vents#sunnie will probably be adding more to this later#struggling#depression#substance abuse#anti capitalism
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