#idk im just stressed from everything today has been so bad

[lovecrazedpup]

i am going to kms

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[kash-heals]

tw : breakdown // vent session // sa - mention

background info so everything else makes sense

my boyfriend (he’s amazing and i love him dearly.) is a paramedic and a firefighter. so his work schedule is basically 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off.

one of my best friends(i only have 2) has an older brother who is 24. i always spend the night at her house because i mean why not?

1. i’m gay.

2. we’ve known each other since we were 2. (my dads are both trauma charge nurses and her adopted parents are police officers so they work real close with each other constantly.)

3. she’s 16, i’m 17. we’re 2 weeks apart her birthday is actually friday. mine is 11/4 hers is 11/15.

4. my dads are in the process of pressing charges on a family member for sa-ing me . for the past 7 years.

5. i got grounded last month because they found my twitter account and it was pure sh related. ill make another vent post about that.

the actual vent :

okay, i posted a video of myself on snap, not doing anything sexual or anything wrong. i was singing teenagers by MCR. like mouthing the words. and my best friends older brother added me, i wasn’t thinking anything of it because we’ve been friends for 15 years. our families are hella close all of the above so him adding me on snap wasn’t a red flag.

he ends up sliding up on my snap, again i’m not thinking anything of it because why would i? and i open the message and he’s basically like “😍😍😍” and i ignored it because maybe he was clicking through the stories and meant to slide up on someone else’s idk.

then he comes back and he’s like “you’ve always been so perfect to me. i hate seeing you with Amir (my boyfriend) I should’ve spoken up. you’ve grown up to be such an amazing person and the more i look at you the more i want you and the more i can’t get you off of my mind” so i start FREAKING OUT. i’m like wtf? so i didn’t know what else to do so i texted my dad. (screenshot below i crossed out names for obvious reasons)

and honestly.. my dads response made me feel so much better about telling him because of how fast he was willing to go to bat for me. but .. then of course my mind for the best of me and i started feeling like i was causing him and my other dad nothing but pain. literally the family member situation and now this like damn? so i went to them and basically broke completely down and told them i was sorry for idk being like an easy target and all the stress is my fault it was a lot . and they reassured me and basically told me like im not doing anything wrong and you know dad stuff.

normally while my bf is on shift he doesn’t check his phone until night time or if they have a dead zone (no calls coming in) so i send him messages basically keeping him up to date and venting and just idk it helps me cope with him not being around. so i texted my boyfriend everything that happened and ended up crying myself to sleep in my dads room.

well my boyfriend got a break today and came to see me, and it made me feel so loved because i literally couldn’t deal. and i ended up retelling him everything i texted him and of course i got emotional and almost had the worst anxiety attack. it was just a lot .

but hey.. i’m 4 days clean from sh. and even though the situation is being handled i feel like i still should i want too so bad but literally my support system has done so much to make me comfortable id feel like shit even more if i did.

[raidante]

As soon as I finished my ask I saw you went to the hospital, Idk what happened but sincerely hope you're doing better now

I am!! Honestly if anyone wants to know it was honestly a really weird out of pocket thing. I'm a disabled person, who suffers from scoliosis and arthiritis and other physical defencicies because genetics and idk, I'm just the unlucky one of my family (immune disorders and bone issues also run in my family).

I already had a struggle at the beginning of August where my muscles became extremely inflammed for no apparent reason (at the time my doctor hypothosized it was perhaps the beginning of an immune disorder forming as a reaction to me getting sick the week prior to it) and it rendered me more or less paralyzed. My limbs were weak, my legs were weak, my entire back was too weak to support my body. I couldn't walk, I could barely stand, and I could not get up if I sat down. I couldn't even open a ziplock back because my hamstrings were just Not responding (I could not bend my arms and grip things). But after 2 days of rest it slowly loosened up and I was like okay. weird. scary. lets hope this doesn't happen again? (also it made me take a week off work and I was paid in pennies for that, so financially it was even a worse issue LOL).

but a month later (2 weeks ago from now), it happened AGAIN. My original choice of action was like ok. I guess Ill try sleeping this off again too. But i ended up falling really hard on my side the next day getting up so I couldn't do anything; even crawling was extremely painful. Called my dad, whos like in his 60s and im over 200 pounds so he couldn't lift me and it ended with me calling the paramedics and getting lifted to the hospital and I was wheelchair bound as they took my vitals and it turns out I was lethally low on potassium which meant my body was paralyzed and if I tried sleeping it off I would have passed away in my sleep bc my heart would have slowed down until it stopped!!! so... a good thing I ended up falling? Otherwise I would have died later that night.

They kept me overnight on ivs to get my potassium back up to par and it hasnt really dipped since then. The weird thing is it was spontaneous; nothing in my diet and in my habits besides like...mental stress (work cut the budget so I literally havent had a shift in a month since today and have been living off my life savings and friends' donations to help me stay afloat w rent.,..its Bad. Ive been trying to get disability stuff filled but they make it REALLY TOUGH even when you are disabled like I am) but that isn't even enough of a factor for such a lethal drop. They said it appeared to be a slow gradual drop in potassium too instead of like a quick sudden one, which was why I was slowly going paralyzed over the course of a few days rather than just it happening suddenly (and if it dropped suddenly I'd have had a heart attack and died, so). Went to my PCP, he has no idea. Got so much blood drawn these past few weeks I now have a permanent needle and discoloration scar from where the IV drip was, lol, and I JUST scheduled with a kidney doctor since potassium is processed through kidneys, so...maybe Ill get an answer. Desperately searching google and the only real thing that comes up is this very rare like 1% disease that just is your body slowly begins to struggle processing potassium on its own and usually medications fix that... but idk how I'd even have that since nothing like that runs in my family.

Needless to say it was very weird, very frightening, and most of all financially FRUSTRATING. My insurance covered everything bc im extremely broke, but not working at all for like a month straight on top of it has absolutely devastated me and sapped out all my creativity</3 THAT SAID! I am trying to stir myself to draw again!!!!! I have ideas!!!!! i wanna DRAW! WRITE! Its just a matter of..getting myself to do it. And also there's a league of legends event so Ive been grinding out the battlepass since Ive been on standby for work shifts for a fucking month, lol.

also as for the cat!! Kitty i kept for 2 weeks and my sister and her husband took the kitty from me saturday because theyre gonna try adopting her! and if it doesnt work out theyre gonna help find a suitable home for her. She was very cute and I fed her everyday played with her gave her baths and slept with her and she definitely helped me feel a bit more Normal during such an abnormal time in my life. Here's a pic I took of her while she was hanging out w me!

she had very big sad eyes and a very squeaky meow

[sleepy-vix]

Hey (with the intention of taking walks in a forest in the rain with you?)

How's your day been? (or how's it going?)

I don't really know what I was going to say, but hello from the abyss :) and is there anything you feel like ranting about right now? (sorry if it's a weird question, and you only have to answer if you feel comfortable to, but if you do, then it could be about anything - whether it's a life problem or a special interest)

And if you had to be any plant or part of nature, what would you be and why?

Anywho, sorry for bothering you and I hope something nice has happened or will happen to you today 🪴

YOU'RE NOT BOTHERING ME AT ALL!! i'm really happy to see you in my inbox

my day's just started (i just woke up) but my whole week has been really bad- i had all my exams crammed into this week and due to family reasons i couldnt study at all last week. usually i'm not so stressed out but i'm senior year now and everything is becoming real and i don't think i can handle it all.

i took a few quizzes last week for maths and my result was so bad (i got a B... which is bad to me)- its a reasonable score considering i didnt study (ive studied now and ik im ALOT better) but it still hit me hard because i'm so used to being "one of the smart kids" it terrifies me to be anything but (i feel like i'm nothing if im not smart)

i have my maths test today (i had 2 this week bc i do normal maths and specialist maths- that specialist maths threw me and im still a little sore over it so i feel like i'll do bad in my normal maths test- even though ik thats stupid bc i KNOW my normal maths content and im normally GOOD at maths... idk)

ig i've been panicking for my future alot lately. i dont want to disappoint anyone anymore and i want to be smart again but its getting so confusing 😭

anyways thats basically most of what im feeling, sorry for ranting (but you did tell me to rant abt smtg hehe :))

i'll be okay tho, honest (so pls dont pity me, youve already done sm to help me by letting me talk abt this TvT)

also if i were a plant, i'd like to be a moonflower. blooming at night time sounds very nice to me and to be named after THE MOON is like the highest honour ever in my head :)

how about you? what plant would you be? what'd been happening in your life? 🌃

ty for the ask 😵‍💫

[oncamelliastreet]

how are you doing today :)

if i’m being completely honest: absolutely awful.

today was my first day back at school and it was the worst. i’m not talking to a lot of my “friends” (read:all but one) because they’ve all collectively shown me that they’re not great friends, and i don’t like to surround myself with negative people, but unfortunately at my school that’s pretty much everyone so it just makes for a very lonely day. and plus my best friend has cancelled on hanging out with me 3 times in the last week, and we were supposed to do something thursday this week but she cancelled yet again this morning because she spontaneously has to go to a theme park thursday :( and also whenever i talked to her today i could tell she wasn’t really listening, or we would be hanging out with her boyfriends friends and one of them very clearly doesn’t like me so i felt so awkward everytime i tried to participate in convo…

and my school is changing a bunch of their policies even though everything was completely fine last year, so now we can’t even use our phones in the halls during pass period because if they’re seen they’ll get taken, we’re not allowed to listen to music during class, the only time we’re allowed to have them out is during lunch. and ik a lot of schools are doing that but it’s still super annoying because as a queer person in a catholic, homophobic, sexist school filled with homophobic, racist, sexist students, i’m not very interested in making new friends, so i’m just extra lonely and i really have to sit in my loneliness now. and they changed our lunch system so there’s only two lunches instead of three, so it’s extra crowded and they had to open up a whole new room for people to sit in because it’s not big enough, and it’s an unorganized mess

plus, i have chronic migraines, so i woke up with a headache because i was clenching my jaw from stress all night, so i had a really bad headache all day and it felt like my head was just gonna roll off and i literally almost passed out like 3 times because i would get so dizzy when i stood up. i came home and went straight to bed with an ice pack, so its better now, but that was still very not fun and i won’t be surprised if it hurts again tomorrow :/

and…idk. i just hate the school year in general. it’s so hopeless to get home in the afternoon and feel like i can’t start anything because the whole day is done. by the time i find the motivation to do what i enjoy, it’s already 9 o’clock and i don’t feel like starting something like writing just to stop in a couple hours. or i’ll do it and stay up and then i’m so exhausted in the morning so i feel like im dying. i really wanna leave this school, but im staying because they have one of the best art programs in the country. senior year i might just give up.

and i don’t really get to relax for the rest of the week, tomorrow i have therapy (which i definitely need but i really hate doing things after school during the school week), wednesday i have to go wedding dress shopping with my sister pretty far away so ill probably get home from school, leave, and then come back and go to bed which will definitely make me feel like shit, thursday i have nothing thank god. and then i have friday off because it’s a holiday weekend but i have to move my sister into her dorm, and that will be depressing as fuck because she’s literally my best friend in the world and we have a really small age gap between us so we’ve always been super close and i’m gonna miss her like crazy. so.

sorry, i dumped all my problems on you :/ how was your day? hopefully better <3 thanks for asking

[up-in-space-reading]

Average Weekly Screentime - Chap 9: It's Snowing

pairing: Jake Peralta x Amy Santiago

word count: 3458

warnings/tags: college au, texting, drunk texting, text fic (mostly, there's prose a few chaps in), bets, bisexual!jake peralta, jake peralta has adhd, parties, drinking and alcohol, sexual references, implied sexual content (nothing explicit, just suggested its going to happen/has happened), friends to lovers, swearing, mentions of cannibalism, lighthearted threats of violence (typical rosa stuff yk), fluff

read on ao3

Average Weekly Screentime masterlist

Story Summary: texting fic college AU with the squad! It's the beginning of the school year and while everyone else thinks it'll be the same as the previous year, Gina has a feeling things are going to be different and wagers a bet with Rosa and Charles. Told through all the various group chats everyone is in.

Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10

authors note: N/A

Unnamed Chat

[10:30am, Monday]

Jake: hey ter what do u do when ur scared

Terry: Um.. Terry: I don’t know if I’m qualified to give advice about this

Jake: idk if i can ask amy out

Terry: Ah, right. Now this I’m more qualified for Terry: If you think that taking a risk this big comes with not being scared at all then I’ve got bad news for you man

Jake: shit.. for real?

Terry: Real Terry: If you try and plan too much or overthink then you’re gonna psych yourself out Terry: Just ask her when you’ve got a moment alone

Jake: we just had a class together alone and then walked to the next class together alone.. Jake: and i still couldnt do it

Terry: Give yourself a pep talk right before you hang out and when you’re all pumped just go for it

Jake: hmm okay Jake: i can try

Terry: I don’t know what else to tell you, this isn’t a dip your toe in and check the water kind of situation

Jake: ur right ur right

Terry: Best of luck, it’ll be fine

Jake: thanks ter

Terry: And if it all goes wrong then you can listen to Taylor Swift and cry ;)

Jake: im gonna kill gina

-

He’d already spent all weekend making himself feel guilty that he hadn’t asked her out yet, and his determination was waning each day that passed. All of Saturday he kept thinking how he should’ve asked her on Friday, and how he should ask her today instead. Then when Sunday rolled around he kicked himself for not asking on Saturday, and over again by the time Monday came around.

The excuse he made was that he didn’t see Amy in person on the weekend, so how was he supposed to ask? He couldn’t text her, he was a gentleman and wouldn’t do Amy the dishonour of asking her out via text.

Sunday night he tried to hype himself up that he’d ask on Monday, then he saw Amy on Monday morning for their classes that day and once again the cowardice took over. They had come so far since their toleration of each other a year ago, Jake was so scared to ruin it all.

The two of them sat in their classes, Amy took diligent and detailed notes as per usual while Jake tried to keep up with her. But he couldn’t stop the smile creeping across his face knowing that Amy would automatically make a copy of her notes to give to him, and how he found hers to be less confusing than his own disjointed notes.

Everything was colour coordinated between topics and headings and classes, she would use the copier in the library so Jake had the pages too, she even started sending him the ones she typed up. He had mentioned once that he felt bad, like she was doing all the work and he just benefited from it.

“Notes are nothing, you have to actually complete all the assignments I’m just giving you the information told to us written down. Besides, I like doing it” was how she had responded matter-of-factly, as if it wasn’t the biggest thing in the world that she went out of her way to help him.

How he probably would need to repeat classes and would be stressed from head to toe if it hadn’t been for her just giving him notes. But the pages also felt like parts of her, her handwriting and always correct grammar. The colours of her specific highlighter set which Jake would borrow to colour in the pictures he drew in the corner of his copies when he was bored.

She had woven herself so easily into his life and Jake was in no way eager to untangle himself.

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[03:26pm, Monday]

Cameron: Phone break over Cameron: Back to the essay plan

Ferris: 5 more mins???

Cameron: You’ll feel bad about yourself if you don’t do it

Ferris: uuggghhh ur right

Cameron: I know I am, now look up from your phone and talk to me like a normal person

Ferris: u got it

-

“When was the last time you ate?” Amy asked seemingly out of nowhere when Jake had put his phone down.

“Uh I don’t know, like one-ish” Jake answered, confused.

“Have this” Amy reached into her bag and pulled out a granola bar, handing it to Jake.

He held it and just stared at it, unable to form words at the gesture.

“You focus better when you’re not hungry” She answered his unasked question while returning to her studying.

“Thanks” He said quietly, opening the bar and eating it.

He ate the granola bar and mused on the metaphorical weight of it. She had it in her bag just for him, he knows that because she doesn’t like this brand (he had to listen to the five minute long rant about it) so she had it just for him. She knew what helps him focus, although now his mind was transfixed on a damn granola bar so much he barely had room for essay plans.

Finally, after at least 20 minutes of mild crisis and definite overthinking he’d hyped himself up, Amy wouldn’t have brought a granola bar for nothing and she wouldn’t copy all her notes for nothing, and she wouldn’t help him for nothing.

She wouldn’t spend nearly five hours with him on a Thursday evening while they had dinner together and laughed and told stories for nothing. She didn’t even suggest inviting their friends to dinner.

Jake cleared his throat.

“Hey Ames, can I ask you something?” He tried to mask the nervousness in his voice.

“Yeah sure” She didn’t look up from her book but her pen did notably stop moving.

“I was just wondering if-“

He was cut off by the sound of a phone vibrating against the table, Amy’s screen lighting up with the contact name ‘Mom’. She quickly pressed a button to stop the vibrating and let the call go to voicemail.

“Sorry about that, go on” She said hurriedly, now looking at him directly.

“Um I was just gonna ask-“

Her phone started vibrating again, same contact name and Amy groaned in frustration this time.

“Sorry I’ve gotta take it, she’ll just call again if I don’t” She was holding her phone, annoyance written all over her face at having to take the call.

“That’s fine, go ahead” He smiled at her, not quite reaching his eyes, “tell her I said hi” He joked, making her laugh lightly before she got up and walked off to go outside, answering the call on her way out of the library.

Jake sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair, he rubbed a hand over his face and groaned in frustration probably a bit too loudly for library etiquette. The confidence was gone, when she got back he was going to brush it off and move on.

So much for psyching himself up over a damn granola bar.

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[08:10am, Tuesday]

Pineapples: good morning sluts

Queen G: whats got u in such a good mood

Pineapples: idk just feel like today is gonna be good

Mr Grapes: Love that energy! Today IS going to be a good day

Four Eyes: Good morning!

RoRo: i am not on board with this energy

Queen G: yeah idk about this

Pineapples: u two are no fun

RoRo: good

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[08:55am, Tuesday]

Ferris: i hate to do this to u but im gonna be late to class

Cameron: Seriously?? Why??

Ferris: thought i had time to go get coffee but the coffee shop did not have time for me

Cameron: Fine, I’ll let the professor know

-

[09:10am, Tuesday]

Cameron: You can’t show up to class late bringing coffee for both of us!

Ferris: but i did and u cant do anything about it Ferris: and i havent gotten a thank u yet

Cameron: …Thank you Jake

Ferris: ur welcome! Ferris: now stop texting me ur distracting me

Cameron: Oh my god

-

She was embarrassed he had walked into class late, sat down next to her and handed her a cup of coffee in front of the whole class and professor. Amy didn’t want that kind of attention on her during class, the only attention she wanted was when answering a question correctly.

But she couldn’t stay mad for long, he had bought coffee for her too without her even asking. The coffee wasn’t the only thing warming her up on what was a severely cold morning, her heart over the moon at his thoughtfulness.

Jake wouldn’t have just bought her a coffee for no reason, right?

The lesson continued on and Amy was thankful for the distraction, getting to focus completely on her notes and the work assigned instead of Jake. Although, he was always there even if she didn’t realise it – the smell of his cologne mixed with coffee on his breath, his foot almost touching hers as they sat next to each other and the occasional bouncing of his leg which caught her eye.

They walked out of class together and as Jake told her about the coffee shop situation, she decided that today was the day she asked him out. She had to do it before she lost her nerve or was left alone long enough to over think and talk herself out of it.

She swore she was going to do it, they walked all the way to Amy’s next class together. He had just followed her there, despite not having the next class together. There was finally a break in the conversation.

“Uh Jake?” She tentatively approached.

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to know-“

His phone pinged with a notification, and she just about wanted to destroy every phone in existence.

“Sorry just a sec”

“No problem”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen quickly, eyes going wide as he began swearing under his breath.

“Shit, I’m late” He shoved his phone back in his pocket and looked back up at Amy, not noticing the way her next class were filing into the classroom, “What were you saying?”

He asked her to continue, and Amy wanted to so badly but he was late and she was nearing to be late. The moment had gone and she’d lost her steam.

“Don’t worry about it, get to class” She shook her head and smiled, trying to play nonchalant and being thankful that Jake didn’t seem to notice.

“Okay, see ya”

Amy said goodbye back as Jake started to rush away towards his next class, once his back had turned she deflated and sighed before walking into her next class. Once again, grateful for a distraction from Jake.

To make Amy’s luck even worse, her and Jake didn’t get a moment alone for the rest of the day. Charles joined them to study and then he and Jake had dinner together – Amy was invited, but after the failed attempt earlier that day she wasn’t in the mood to socialise.

That evening instead of studying she spent her night getting lost in a book, a romance one where she childishly pictures her and Jake in the positions of the main characters. She goes to sleep hoping tomorrow she’ll have the courage to ask him- tell him how much she wants to be with him.

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[08:35am, Wednesday]

Ferris: hey uh will u have a spare minute at all today? Ferris: i know we dont usually study today but yeah

Cameron: Um I’m not sure, I have a few classes and then I’m having a meeting with one of my teachers

Ferris: meeting??

Cameron: I wanted to discuss some of the syllabus for this semester and this is the first chance she’s been able to fit me in since we got back from holidays

Ferris: ah ok fair enough

Cameron: Why do you need a minute? Is something wrong?

Ferris: no nothings wrong i was just wondering :)

Cameron: Okay, have a good day!

Ferris: i will try

-

As it turns out, Amy didn’t have a spare minute all day.

Jake was fidgety all day, he had woken up and decided once again that today was the day he was going to ask her out – but he’d thought that for the past two days and so far hadn’t been successful so the hope was dwindling.

He ran into Gina at the coffee shop who said he probably didn’t need any more caffeine judging by how nervous he looked.

“What do you mean?” He asked with an offended look on his face.

“You have the same look on your face when we’re in line for a rollercoaster” She had responded.

“How do you even remember information like that?”

He order was called out and Gina waited until he was standing next to her to answer.

“Because I’m a good friend and you always look so scared before a rollercoaster it’s a bit funny” She smiled deviously upon saying her last point, “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

Gina’s order was called before he could answer and when she had picked it up she dragged him to sit down at a table together, Jake has resigned himself to the notion that he wasn’t getting out of this conversation.

“So spill, you never keep secrets from me” She punctuated her sentence with a sip of her drink.

“I know but I dunno if I wanna tell you this one… yet” He fidgeted with his cup on the table, not being able to hold eye contact with Gina for too long.

“Alright fine. It’s nothing bad, is it?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No it’s not bad, it’s actually pretty good but I’m just feeling… a lot” He had trailed off, unable to find a better word for the tornado of thoughts and emotions he felt on a daily basis.

“Well I’m here whenever you need” There was a few moments of silence between them as Jake gave Gina a smile that showed he understood her.

“Now that the gross stuff is out of the way I gotta tell you about my date on the weekend”

“I don’t know why you dragged yourself into Sasha’s business but I need to hear all about it-“

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[05:25pm, Wednesday]

Ferris: hope ur day hasnt been too hectic :)

Cameron: It kind of has unfortunately Cameron: Sorry for not being able to chat more

Ferris: thats okay

-

He was lying on his bed and wondering what to do, he hadn’t seen her all day or spoken to her much and it made him miss her. Finally, he was fed up with being scared, Jake gave himself a pep talk.

You’re gonna tell her and it’s gonna be fine. If she doesn’t like you back then that’s okay, you will just pretend it never happened. If she does like you back then… we’ll cross that bridge if we get to it. You are not a coward, you aren’t your father, you can ask out the girl you like. It’s not even that big of a deal- except that it kind of is- but it isn’t so its fine. You can do this Jake Peralta, don’t be a coward.

A newfound excitement surges through his body and without much further thought he’s slipping his shoes on and leaving his dorm in a rush. He all but runs through the building to get outside, hoping the frosty air will cool him down a little as adrenaline pumps through his veins.

He exits the building and the first thing he notices when he gets outside is that it’s snowing, lightly falling and probably getting caught in his hair. He pays it no mind as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and begins typing furiously, not bothering to look where he’s going – he knows the way to Amy’s dorm like the back of his hand.

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[06:23pm, Wednesday]

Ferris: r u in ur dorm? Ferris: can i come over? Ferris: draft message: plea

-

He wasn’t able to finish his frantic messages as he bumped into someone also walking down the path looking at their phone. Without thinking Jake’s arms go to steady the person he bumped into, ready to apologize profusely and keep speed walking to Amy’s dorm.

Upon looking up at the person who’s shoulders he now had a hold on he realised he’d bumped right into Amy. Her nose and cheeks were red from the cold, a scarf wrapped around her neck and Jake noticed how pretty the snow looked as it fell into her hair.

She instinctively reached out for him to steady herself, her hands settling on his biceps and Jake felt like his skin was on fire despite the harsh cold. Amy breathlessly said his name as they stood there holding onto each other and not moving.

“Where were you-“

“What are you-“

They had both started speaking at the same time and then stopped to laugh at the mistake.

“I was on my way to your dorm” Amy spoke first.

“I was going to your dorm” Jake responded in slight disbelief.

Her eyebrows rose in surprise at his explanation, and her lips were slightly parted as if about to say something but not knowing what.

“Why?”

That was the response she had finally settled on and Jake swore there was a look of hope in her eyes, her hands holding onto his arms just a little bit tighter. He knew it was now or never, and how could he lie to her any longer. Amy was all he wanted.

“I was coming to see you, to ask you on a date, and- if you’d be interested- ask if I could be your boyfriend”

It was rushed and frantic sounding, but Jake smiled the whole time because it was finally happening and as he said it Amy’s face didn’t turn into one of disgust but something softer – one of relief and joy.

“That’s a bit of a coincidence then” She joked, earning a laugh from the both of them.

“Oh” was all Jake could manage in that moment, trying to process how Amy was on her way to ask him out.

He immediately felt so silly for all the hesitation and trepidation he had been feeling, he was scared for nothing. Amy liked him back, Amy had been rushing to ask him the same question he wanted to ask her. He wasn’t being rejected.

“Well in that case-“ He was able to speak now that his brain had caught up, and pretended to kneel down, Amy still holding onto him.

“Don’t you dare kneel” She scalded him, but there was no bite or malice behind it as the smile spread across her face gave her away.

Jake laughed and stood again, using his hold on her shoulders to bring her closer and carefully sliding his hands down to her waist.

“Amy Santiago, will you do me the pleasure of being my girlfriend and going on at least one date with me” He looked into her eyes, trying to stop tears of joy welling up in his.

“Jake Peralta, I would love for you to be my boyfriend, and I will happily go on a million dates with you”

They both laughed again as Jake brought his forehead towards Amy’s, touching lightly with their noses so close he could feel the heat coming off her. He didn’t know why they were laughing, nothing particularly funny had happened but he supposed this is what it’s like to be so happy you don’t know what else to do.

But he knew what else he wanted to do.

“Can I kiss you now?” He asked quietly, so only she could hear.

“Please” Her response was immediate, no hesitation and Jake could only guess she had been waiting a while for this moment.

He leaned in and pressed their lips together, and it was everything Jake had imagined it to be. Her lips were soft and she tasted like how her lip balm smelled. Amy’s arms moved to wrap around Jake’s neck as she fully leaned into him, while his wrapped around her back to hold her even closer.

Jake could feel her smiling into the kiss and couldn’t help but smile back, when they finally pulled apart he was out of breath and trying to figure out whether it was all a dream.

Amy placed one more kiss to the corner of his mouth and finally Jake could confirm it wasn’t a dream.

Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10

authors note: Another chapter out so quick because the passion with which i wrote this section is craazzyy! last chapter i said there would probably only be one more but that was a lie! This is probably the second last chapter and i'll have one last one to wrap it all up!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was so fun to write and i'm really happy with it! Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos - i'll have the next chap up as soon as I can <3 <3

[gideongrovel]

rambling vent (still on my trip tho, sorry for the inactivity for those who didn't know)

Last full on my trip rn but i am feeling exhausted,,,, 😭😭😭😭 Tomorrow will be heading home,,, thinking about all the airport stuff has me stressed (not the flying part, I like being high up, its just like the security and people stress me),,, 😓

The trip has been fun mostly,,, but not relaxing in the slightest 😓😓😓 Its been nice to see my older brother since we can geek out about OP together in person, and he like gave me some gifts for it,,,,, but without getting into it,,, there are reasons i dont like being around him either,,, so its a mixed bag 🫤 and my dad is such a misogynist and bigot having to hear the shit he says and not being able to leave when he says it is infuriating 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I am such a shut in, and normally leave the house like maybe 5 times a month if even that,,,,, so going out and about for 9 days straight is alot for me- i know thats nothing to most "normal" people,,,,, but for someone in my life/situation it's alot,,,,,,, being around people and being active so much has me drained completely 😓😓😓😓😓 Im feeling such burn out,,,, and I miss my cats (especially my lil baby ET,, she is very codependent towards me so I've been worried how she has been holding up 😢), also since i was scared of them getting broken or stolen on the plane- i didnt bring my Chop or Brook figures and i miss them too!! I need my wife and bf 😭😭😭😭 Not bring my main comfort items was a big mistake,,, but the stress of something happening also was too much- so I couldn't win either way,,,,

I always feel awful when I get this level of burn out / sad feeling on a trip,,,, they're supposed to be a good time but I've held back from crying a few times now,,,, I just wanna be home in my own bed, shower where im familiar with, being able to do stuff on my own pace, just like my regular routine stuff in general 😭😭😭😭 At the same time going back home means having to deal with some family i dislike being around- which I am not looking forward to,,,, 😓😓😓

Burnout sometimes will put me in depressive episodes, and feeling emotional highs my crashing is always bad,,,,,, 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓

ALSO I MISS GETTING ON HERE!! IM MISSING SO MUCH NOT BEING ABLE TO CHECK ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 tumblr crashes too much for me to check anything on my phone,,,, i really hope yall are doing good,,,, like idk if my absence has been noticable or cared about? (/nm) but i do miss yall alot,,, miss seeing your creations and ships 😭😭😭 it will be too much to check 9days worth on everyone pages so i am sorry for everything i missed

-

But anyways just have to make it though today and the flights tomorrow 😭 then things can go back to normal

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, its talkitive mom anon. (I think thats what it was)

This ask doesnt really have that much to do with my other ask but i thought it would be helpful, so i dont have to expalin it all again.

Basically, i dont know if my parents are that bad or not. A lot of my friends tell me that my parents are bad and i always say something along the lines of "im fine, my parents are great really, dont worry about it, im not in a bad situation".

What made me send in this ask is that i had a conversation with my friend today and we were talking about our futures and how moving a lot affected our perspectives of where we want to live. She brought up that when i move back to the states she doesnt want me to 'self sabotage' by living close to my parents. It made it sound like my parents are really bad but idk if they are. I think i talk about them negatively bc im frustrated but igim frustrated at them a lot? She also asked how looking for a therapist was going (my mom wanted me to get one and i told her that i was warming up to the idea bc my mom was gonna force me anyway) i told her that i dont think its gonna happen anymore bc i think my mom decided im fine enough and that i dont need one anymore? She hasnt brought it up since we talked about it like a month and a half ago. And me and my mom have barely been able to have one conversation without arguing.

Tbh for a while now ive just felt like im a horrible child. And that im just ungrateful and i should be nicer and more positive about things. I just feel like a horrible person. I feel like i need to fix myself so that my parents like me more bc its my fault isnt it? I talked to my brother and he cant think of many times that my parents made him feel the way i do. So its either bc he never complains about my parents or bc hes just the better child. My parents have also been fighting more and it stresses me out. Im just so tired of screaming matches one second and the next my mom and dad acting like everything is normal and we all suddenly like eachother again. My mom has been telling me to stop crying a lot lately also. And i feel like she right. I overreact too much and thats probably the reason that i even think that my parents might be bad.

Anyway this has become more of a vent than a question. Sorry for ranting. Do you think im the problem though?

Hi hon! I definitely don't thin you're the problem <3

Listen, I don't know your parents but based on what you've told me, they definitely have their own issues. That doesn't make them HORRIBLE, but that means they're human and they make mistakes. I think when you're in the middle of a situation like you are, it's harder to see when people you love are making decisions that could be hurtful. If your friend is concerned, she could be right!

If it was me, I would go to a therapist. Therapists are awesome for sorting out healthy from unhealthy. Tell them about the dynamic in your family and ask them their opinion. They're professionals and they can get background that I can't. They can also help you identify where you parents have been wrong and where you may have been wrong in different situations. Plus, therapy is good for everyone.

Sending love!

[loki-zen]

early marriage anon guy here:

thanks for not publishing the other asks, they got a bit wordy and I don’t want to bring Discourse down upon your house.

to clarify what i was getting at a little bit, I don’t think that it’s a causal thing. I think it’s much more likely that what I’m seeing is a combo of “people who emotionally mature quickly are more likely to be happy & successful adults, and also more likely to form stable relationships at a relatively young age” and “if you’re in your late twenties, everyone you know who’s in a successful LTR got together fairly young, because of how math works”

What I’ll absolutely argue is that getting into an LTR comparatively young doesn’t seem to be incompatible with becoming a happy and successful adult, and I wish we didn’t discourage people from that path in the states. Many young men seem very hung up on the societal expectation to have a womanizer phase, and a lot of them don’t seem to benefit from it too much, even if they pull it off.

overall benefits of sexual revolution that I think were good and important: kids somewhat later in life seems good, even for couples who paired up young, access to birth control helps women not get trapped in bad relationships, as does greater societal acceptance of divorce.

We haven’t done anything real effective to reduce sexual violence, but people seem to take it more seriously. I’m not sure how much it was ignored in the past though, other than marital rape being very much glossed over in the past. idk if that really has to do with the sexual revolution, but seeing it as unacceptable is a good change.

Overall, “barefoot and pregnant at 20” is a bad thing to encourage as a society, I just worry that we’ve shifted to encouraging conditions that lead to a lot of people being “single and childless at 32”, which is also not ideal for people being happy.

I honestly just hadn't gotten around to it! im busy:/

I think the main point I wanted to make in response was basically that while - like everything that gets sufficiently mainstream does - it's obviously been very much captured by the "there should be A Normal and there's something wrong with you if you're not it" crowd, the real point of sexual permissiveness was supposed to be permissiveness, not mandating.

Your female friends shouldn't feel antifeminist for not having a 'hoe phase'; it would be antifeminist of them to shame others for having one, but entirely feminist of them to enjoy settling down early as something that is no doubt safer and more enjoyable to do in a world where it can be a choice - moreover, a world where if it doesn't work out, they can call a divorce lawyer instead of looking up "undetectable poison for husbands" on Ye Olde Lady-Google.

Also, it's important to get your history right so you know what you're comparing shit to.

It used to be expected for a lot of men to have womaniser phases in the past! There's never been any strong expectation that a man be a virgin on his wedding night. Since for the most part Respectable Ladies that wanted to get married couldn't openly have a hoe phase, for men of the middle classes and up this took the form of economic sex tourism; patronising sex workers mostly drawn from lower economic classes. Because of the concentration of this activity into a relatively* small subset of the female population, and the state of protection and medicine available, this practice spread hella venereal disease which men then took back to their eventual wives and then your kid gets born with syphillis. Or you could fuck with women your own class and wind up getting sued because of you do it wrong, you've just scuppered that woman's access to financial stability and social acceptance for the rest of her life. Sounds stressful!

*relatively, meaning that there were far more sex workers than there are today. Stands to reason - compared to today's sex workers, they made bank!

Anyway, long story short this is a classic case of blaming modernity for something that's been around a long time.

What else - you talked about doing work in a relationship as if it was something you could get out of the way if you started early. Sadly that isn't how it works - when people say relationships take work, they mean the whole time.

It being harder to meet people in your thirties - the actual meeting part can be harder, but working out if you're compatible is typically a lot easier. You know a lot more about who you are and what you want than you did when you were barely not a teenager, and so do they!

And of course, people have always been single and childless in their thirties. Which is not that old!

And holy shit, there was a lot of sexual violence in the past. We've certainly reduced that a lot! You hear more about it because, as you say, people take it more seriously. But in a lot of pre-sexual revolution relationships, people, especially women, basically didn't have a choice about getting married and didn't have the right to refuse sex with their spouses. Plus the economic sex tourism was a hotbed of sexual violence.

[bear-momma]

mommaa, idk what to do aaaa

long story short, im an age regressor/dreamer who hasn't done it in a while and started doing it again a few weeks ago and its been helping a lot with stress and stuff. i really wanna tell my bf about my regression (maybe??? ask him to be my babysitter/cg of sorts??). i really trust him a lot and ik hes a good person, but idk. its just something ive never even thought about telling anyone i know irl and im kinda scared, specially because it's a topic that most people from where i live haven't even heard about, much less know about. do u have any advice? (btw sorry for the rant lol, i just dont know who else to ask and u seem so nice)-💜

I'm happy regression has bene able to help! :D I love seeing people coping in a healthy way!

As for advice on telling your partner, I would start by asking if he's heard of it. For example; "I saw something online today about age regression. Ever heard of it?" Avoid talking about the k!nk communities. If you start the conversation with "It's not dd/lg though" then he will subconsciously be thinking about it while you're describing regression. If he brings it up ("that sounds like dd/lg or AB/DL") THEN you can explain its not the same and describe the differences.

Talk about your mental health and other coping mechanisms. If he's open to hearing them, you can go on to talk about nostalgic things and how they help (if nostalgia is part of your regression, it isn't for everyone). From there you can progress to explaining why regression helps you and why it's a healthy way to cope with negative emotions.

I hope everything goes well! And remember, you don't need to force yourself to tell people things about yourself if you're not comfortable with it. If you don't think he will take it well, you're not a bad person for not telling him 💛

[fullsunstrawberry]

hey love!! i have a LOT to say... so buckle in

one- new layout!

two- boyfriend is back from japan i missed him way too much 😅

three- FAMILY DRAMA?!

my oldest brother has always been an asshole, ive also never been that close to him anyway, but he's still an asshole

and my middle brother is like literally my best friend and loves my boyfriend as well so yk we super close and shit

SO MY OLDEST BROTHER was talking shit about my relationship around my middle brother and my brother slapped him in the face (or maybe punched idek the whole story) so now everyone is like so confused and stuff (including me) and kao feels so bad bc he feels like he started it even tho its not his fault 😭 and my middle brother is stressing out bc he just "ruined his whole relationship with his brother" and my older brother... well idrk about him bc we talk only when we need to

anyway so today like at 12 the fam scheduled a zoom meeting so i can talk to everyone to try and see whats going on yk and there was this big argument between my mom and my oldest bro and now everything is so tense and stuff... BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE my exams are done and now i can focus on more things other than math and econ (regretting my major choices HARD rn)

hows your school and stuff? pls stay safe and drink lots of water <33

(omg whenever i ask someone about school i feel old)

i have so many stories i need to tell you but im going to hold it in so i dont write a whole novel

(sorry for my grammar and stuff i do math for a reason man)

THIS WAS BASICALLY A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE!!

i’m buckled in 🫡

firstly: you’re new layout is so cute <3

secondly: ahhh i’m picturing the romantic airport reunion! like running to each other at the airport 😍

NOW HERES THE TEA 🍵 🫖 !! I STAN YOUR MIDDLE BROTHER!! hopefully your oldest brother can see how much of a shit he was being and apologize. Also idk which brother’s wedding your planning but he should either be thankful because a. you’re putting so much effort to help one of your brothers and shut his mouth or b. your planning his wedding so he should shut his mouth…either way he should be quiet 🤐

^^this gets me heated cause i have a good relationship with my only sibling and i would never talk shit about his girlfriend :( !!

eyyy i forgot it’s exam season and i’m regretting not studying because my exams are next week 😢 YOURE MAJORING IN MATH AND ECON??? you’re stronger than me 😰 i’m basically failing calculus rn…i’m a business major basically meaning i don’t know what do do with my life yet hahaha

school right now is basically the calm before the storm, all the teachers are rushing to get everything done before all the exams go down and finalizing all my college stuff…i’m planning on going on hiatus for a week or two during all my final exams but hopefully my haechan smau will be done by then 🤞🤞🤞 and I'll still be online and stuff just won’t be posting and texts/reactions gotta keep my sanity somehow

also it was bring your child to work day today and i never felt so old…

i’m a grammar.ly person so if my grammar is wrong i’ll blame it on the app being stupid,, the amount of times i re-read all my work to make sure everything is okay is honestly insane (if i say i haven’t read over what i’ve written it was because i was sleep deprived)

can’t wait to here all your stories <3 my life is kinda boring rn sooo i’m all ears 😍😍❤️

[cody-apexart]

Day 12

This is honestly more or less a shitting on apex post. I apologies, but srsly. My time in Saigon has been so enjoyable, I really love this city and most of the experiences I have had, but the organization and communication style implemented by apex is making this less fun! Im in a bad mood, and had a bad day. Here’s the play by play:

I feel like the zoom mediation class today really set my day up for failure. Ive been practicing mediation on and off for over half my life— at this point Im pretty particular about what I like, and have tried out a lot of different styles to figure out what I enjoy and what works for me. This zoom meditation class lead by some man in southern California really was more of an hour long lecture of this dude talking about how he used to be depressed but now he isnt, and maybe 15 min of mediation max. I was all about work, like work like jobs, like capitalist meditation. When he said the phrase “hiring managers read your energy body” I knew I had heard enough. Which was kinda for the best, because I started looking at my email and noticed two had just come in from apex! One contained information that said the pottery class on my sched started at 9am not 10am. I had been preped to get there at 10, and at the time I was reading that email, it was already after 9am. I called the studio and they said I could still attend, though I did miss an hour of workshop time. Also, once I got there they said the ceramics wont be ready for 2 weeks. In 2 weeks I wont be here anymore. Why wouldn’t yall schedule this class earlier in my schedule? Also it was noted in my sched that the class would cost 40000 VND, but it was really 400000 VND. I also got an email from apex that I was RSVPd for a tech company business mixer. I hadn’t noticed it on my schedule because it was set for the wrong time, the event was probably entered in EST, so it was coming up on friday instead of thursday and was kinda hidden by the other long event on my friday sched. This email was my first time hearing about it, and since I was already reeling from the meditation class and time change to pottery I was like wtfffff.

Like what type of weird ass shit is that? Send someone with no tech experience to an even that is intended for people working in tech and living in Vietnam? Its just like why send me to crash their party? I don’t really understand, there are so many other places I could talk to strangers without being so out of place, like out of place in a way that kinda feels disrespectful and disruptive to the event. I dont mind being out of place or having to talk to stagers, but it just feels rude to show up to an event I rly have no business being at. Since the story slam, anything that comes off eventbrite I am very skeptical of.

Idk why nearly everything on the schedule feels like its made out to be a riddle. The times are wrong, the addresses are wrong. I can never just do what the calendar says and expect it to work out seamlessly. I feel like I spend so much troubleshooting shit that should already be taken care of.

Also I still havnt been reimbursed for this plane ticket?! Even though I sent the necessary info twice, and it says in a number of places that I can request reimbursement whenever id like. Similarly, the agreement I signed notes 45 days will be given in advance to get a visa if necessary, I was given 6 six businesses days notice. Like all of this is just causes what feels like /unnecessary/ stress, unless that feeling is all part of the program too? Im trying to just learn a lesson in loosing control.

Anyway, I went a little rouge today and didnt go to capoeira. I was emotionally exhausted, and my ankle is a little weird and clicky from walking so much. This is the first activity ive skipped-- I probably wouldnt have skipped it if I didnt already do the class last week, but knowing how intense it was, and how bad I felt, it was the right decision for me today. I cant wait for this upcoming day off. Two weeks non-stop is starting to get to me.

I went to a later screening of the movie since my evening was free, and wow, another movie centered around a traumatic pregnancy experience. The main character miscarried during a robbery at 6 months. I watched the trailer this time to avoid this type of thing, but it didnt reveal that plot point. actually the whole movie was actually about really toxic abusive relationships, but the trailer made it seem like a comedy. Anyway this was less fucked up than the abortion horror movie, but still fucked up. okay, but also the main character did ceramics, and i did a ceramics class this morning...was that planned? how curated are these days? I think this trip is the only time I have ever been in a movie theater without a friend or companion. Watching movies alone is totally new for me, just like how ive literally never used a pottery wheel before today. Also mark making scares me so painting the ceramic bowl I made was notably difficult for me. I am incredibly grateful for these experiences despite everything i just vented about.

[sankyeom]

hii belle how have you been? it has been a long time since we talked how have u been tell me everything

my life has been eventfull so life update

1 i broke up w my now ex bf

it was a long time ago tho like 2 months ago?? he liked someone else and we broke up we ended up in good terms im not mad bc its his feelings we dont control that shit yk?? so im not mad im dissapointed he didnt tell me earlier?? bc ik he had feelings for atleast a week saurr yeah

2 mental health

my mental health has been shit i got suspended from school and that really took a toll on it (people pleaser😽😽 and burnt out gifted kid) im on my last 2 weeks of school and im so fucking stressed i have a chemistry exam on wensday that im so lost on i have my astronomy final a week from now i have a project to finish for next week and a paper that is due wensday that i think i lost i cried 4 times today bc of the stressed im just so tired im exausted

3 writing

i have been more consistent w my writing i have 3 series going on rn (one im still writing) but it has been truly an escape for me and im lowkey proud of myself

4 volleyball

im now training in volleyball i have training 3 times a week its very insanely frustrating bc im so bad and it drives me insane

i think that is it?? idk but yeah how have u been pls tell me juseyo

love auri💐

hi auri my dear, it’s so good to hear from you!! 🥰

first of all, i’m so sorry to hear about the circumstances of your break up, that sounds really tough and i feel for you. hopefully, you’re doing well on this matter and realise that you are so special and wonderful. you’re stronger than i am for not being mad, i would definitely be in a different place. 💛

i REALLY get the whole burnt out gifted kid thing, it’s honestly so rough and confusing to be in school in that situation. mental health is such a hard thing especially when there’s a lot of academic pressure on you, and i hope that you will be able to find some time for yourself after your final exams and projects are over. i wish someone had told me that my worth doesn’t come from academic perfection a long time ago, and i hope that you can start to build a healthier relationship with academics in the future. you can do it, i believe in you!! 🥰🥰

remember to take lots of breaks and do something that you love to reward yourself for finishing your exams, even if you aren’t 100% happy with your results. 🦋

i’m so glad that writing has been an escape for you!! i think it’s extremely important to have hobbies and things that you do in your free time that are just for your own enjoyment. hopefully it will help a little with your mental health 🌷

i’ve been alright! my finals week just started and i have a lot on my plate, but once it’s over i’m going to have nearly a month of holidays to decompress and relax a little bit 😊🌸

i have really been lacking in the writing department recently, i’ve just been lacking a lot of inspiration and i haven’t been able to write anything because i’ve been so busy with school, tutoring, my internship, and college transfer applications. hopefully my next quarter will be less busy since i’m only taking three classes, and i think i should have more time to write and update here!

[passionfruitmango]

Gonna do a vent post, thank you if you choose to read, I respect if you choose to keep scrolling! 💖

Oh my god today is so hard. Even finding the words to describe is embarrassingly hard.

Kinda broke down to my boss this morning. I don't know if I had a full mental break but I got really close. I want to say she heard me but I also have this feeling that until I'm screaming and crying my mental health isn't taken seriously.

I'm tired of consistently starting my week having to finish someone else's job before I can even start mine, so many of the previous shifts assigned job duties have become mine (because obviously your fryer won't heat up if the vents aren't fuckimg turned on, among countless other things) and I have been telling my boss for going on a year now where this coworker needs to be talked to about improvement. This person is the type to improve in one area and drastically reduce in another. Why do they still have a job genuinely? Because my boss is more worried about finding someone to replace them than writing them up for their mistakes. Boss is "scared they'll quit" LIKE FUCKING GOOD. PLEASE. LET THEM GO.

Any time the morning shift coworker does something theyre "supposed to" it's like they find a way to do it wrong enough that it makes more work for me. What has me fucked up is this coworker ASKED ME TO TEACH THEM WHAT I WANT LEFT FOR ME WHEN I COME IN, I TAUGHT THIS COWORKER, AND THEY BLATANTLY DISREGARDED MY TEACHING UPON DOING IT THEMSELF. so why waste my fucking time? Disrespectful as fuck.

I genuinely have gotten past the point of rage to full blown dissociating. It's either that or I'm crying as I'm trying to do my job.

Could I tolerate this all if I at least got some kind of positive reinforcement from someone with a title or even a teammate? Possibly.

Am I aware I deserve better than this job has me feeling? Gods yes but we all know when you live in a small town and have been working somewhere for eons, it's not exactly easy to find another job at the same base pay youre currently at.

Idk. Boss told me they'll take it upon themself to make sure everything is done but that's not the point. That's a band aid fix and I told them that (im also almost certain we had the same discussion 6 months ago and here I am again) If I come in tomorrow and have to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with for the last year? I'm just going home. I have hundreds of hours of sick time, im going to start using them when I'm sick of the shit I'm dealing with. Ffs im not getting a prize or even a happy team of coworkers by burning myself like this. "If I don't do it-who will" headass stupid fucking expression I used to gaslight myself into thinking this is okay

ITS FUCKING NOT OKAY. I'm stressed in my personal life and need change and the fact I've had to spell that shit out to my boss countless times??? Fuck outta here I could take a month off with solid sick time and still have enough left to do it for another month. Suck my ass im done being your bitch, figure out how to fix your store or figure out how to replace an employee that ACTUALLY does their job along with the one that doesnt!!!

I feel great having let that all out via text but im still struggling so fucking much. I just want to go home and sleep. And that's bad. I know I have things to do but I can't muster the energy because I'm using it all to fake normal through my work day. This isn't living. And I want to escape. All my old vices are begging me to come home. How do you tell your loved ones you're struggling when it's like they don't hear the words as they leave your mouth?

Genuinely. I feel like my mental health won't be taken seriously until I break. Why do I have to break first?

Buy a multivitamin, use the therapy light, keep on keeping on because everyone's fight is just as bad as mine. I'm just stuck in the dumps about it.

Do I need a friend? Or will they turn me into their shoulder to cry on when I ask if they'll be mine?

Editing to add other things on my mind that I'm only irritated about when I'm already feeling low:

Its been probably a month now since I paid someone for something I still haven't recieved? Like I understand life gets in the way and external circumstances, but telling me twice that I'll be getting tracking the next day and both times I've not gotten tracking? Atp just ask if I want my money back, honestly willing to cut my losses because the person I paid has gifted me shit for the same amount I'm currently out, I'm just feeling awkward and having trauma triggered because I've already asked what's up twice. And I'm pretty sure my reply from last time is still unopened and unread. :/

On the same topic, different person I paid, commissioned some art and it's also been multiple months with no updates. I reached out to their business page thinking it was something on my end I forgot to get to, yeah they have also not checked their business page. Again, I respect life happens. But a little communication would be DIVINE. Another situation where I will most likely be cutting my losses because I have learned not to spend/give more money than you're willing to lose. But im still irritated about it.

[sunnisurrealism]

Hi Timothée,

I can’t even describe how I feel. Today the package with the first USB arrived at my house, the day after I left for Calgary. So I officially know you didn’t get it 😞😖😔I accidentally said in the video below it arrived yesterday but I meant to say his morning while I was still sleeping. My Timothée, I am so so soooooo sorry. I had no idea. I shouldn’t have lost the tracking receipt and I shouldn’t have put on so many weird stickers. I have no idea why it didn’t send, maybe I was just being naive and the stickers made it look sus. For some reason god decided this. I’m really fucking concerned my roommates will know this package was for you but I forget it I put your full name on it and I don’t know if they’ll google Jessica Kolstad out of curiosity. Either way I’ll look like a fucking weirdo. Timothée I am so so sorry I had no idea your German cream never arrived after those memes that is so fucking ironic. God is making this more painful for you. I really don’t know why it would’ve been denied at the border. I just cannot even grasp my mind if you flew out to LA for nothing. You must have been infuriated. It must have wasted a lot of your time. Jesus. Dude I am so so sorry idk why it didn’t work. I feel like a fucking idiot. My Timothée I am so so so sorry. This next package was less conspicuous but still slightly weird tbh but not as alarming omg what is my problem. Okay I really hope this one arrives. Can you please make a post indicating whether it has? 😔😔😔I am so sorry My Love.this is also problematic cuz I probably talked to you assuming we were on the same page based on what I talked about in the voice notes on that usb. Oh whatever fuck it. I’m rly in shock. At least we know now. I really fucking hope this next one isn’t returned when I’m gone because I put your name on it and my roommates will be concerned at me. Whenever I make jokes about you around them it’s awkward af. Fml 😖 I kept the tracking receipt for this latest mail. It’s too bad I’m always sending mail right before I’m off to Victoria or Calgary and that I don’t have my shit together more to be more organized😔 these past few months have been really stressful tryna deliver for you tbh. I still want to obviously but it’s hella stressful for me. idk what happened but I would recommend informing the agency to always keep an eye out for mail from my name. I know it’s revealing your secrets if they don’t know already I mean but I’m wondering if I didn’t put your name on it or something maybe they didn’t know what to do with this weirdo package? Idk I forget. fml. Oh well. Technically this is plot stuff and no one was physically hurt, tho your blue balls truly must be on another level now 😔 everything moves so slow in the sim movie. I’m sure you realized god was testing you and it’s not my fault. Jesus tho. Im going to try my hardest to figure out why it didn’t send to try to prevent this from happening again. I’m so sorry my king.

Last night I dreamt it was the beginning of our relationship and we were hanging on a bed with all our friends. We wanted to kiss and thought it would be better to go somewhere more private but we couldn’t help ourselves and started making out 🫠 it was like our first time 🫠 I was beneath you and your were crawling on top of me while kissing me and your tongue felt so nice against mine, and it was really overwhelming but I liked it. I was trying to pull your groin into mine but you were teasing me and I was upset. But you couldn’t lean into mine because your friend or pr people were pulling you back cuz you were late to a photo shoot. And then you were off and away. Commercial vibes. I was sad cuz we were just getting going 😭

I also dreamt I was in Ansbach, my “ancestral” hometown in Germany. There was lots of construction and I was trying to go through it to get to the Altstadt, the old town. I was visiting and deeply wanted to see the old cobble stone streets (wanting to see old streets in Europe is a reoccurring dream of mine). I got past the construction and noticed a weird man I had seen in Ansbach before and thought it was crazy locals recognized me even tho I didn’t live there. I also saw young people improv playing in a park by the River, with beautiful costumes, just for themselves. I thought, Ansbach low key has very cool culture happening here, I should definitely bring Timothée here. People were taking Venetian gondolas down the river deep into the streets to access the altstadt. Don’t worry Timothée, one day I take you.

Again, I’m feel so fucking insane disappointed today. I really can’t believe it. I’m really fucking praying this next one will send. I still need to figure out why the first didn’t. I’m really sad about all this, I’m so so sorry Timothée. This is some karmic thing from the gods I don’t understand. Bless up and I’m so sorry again and I’ll try to be better next time.