#soothe the people who need it

[cookinguptales]

that said, as much as I've been struggling the past 48 hours or so, I have to admit that it has felt a little clarifying.

I've been playing the hell out of stardew valley, like I always do when I'm struggling with my PMDD, because the calming repetitive movements and bite-sized tasks (which induce the illusion of productivity) make it much easier to calm my mind and like...

I keep thinking "wouldn't it be nice to make something that soothes...?"

I felt a little embarrassed last night when I was writing about how I realized that AITNISTS would have meant the world to me when I was a queer, disabled teen feeling very broken and unlovable, and how now it almost feels like I'm writing bedtime stories for a ghost.

but... I think to some degree, that's nice, too... if I'm writing what soothes me, maybe it'll soothe someone else, too. making art that soothes people that feel broken... I think that would be nice. or... kind, at least. maybe.

it's something to aspire to, at least.

like sometimes I do feel this weird need to make something beautiful or complex or important but I guess "important" can mean a lot of different things, and so can "beautiful"...

I'm obviously never going to win any kind of literary prize with monsterfucking hurt/comfort but like. idk. maybe it's enough to write the kind of book that would have made me feel like I was capable of being loved and wanted when I was a kid.

especially if it helps anyone else now...

idk. it's a nice thought, at the very least.

[t-u-i-t-c]

"This is a nice planet you got here."

[sesamenom]

Quick hand sketch that turned into elrond with athelas water

I always forget to draw him with it but I headcanon him having pretty bad burn scars on his right arm/side from the kinslaying

[realtapiocafan]

credit: anontatum on x

i've got you brother - the jays

[citrusai]

some shippers when solas has had important relationships from thousands of years ago and he can't just forgive himself for failing those closest to him then and go "okie dokie!" when his wife tells him he can come back home

[magebastard]

love/hate being so invested in my da canon. this shit is so dumb I have to cry

[runespoor7]

this is nieyao to me

NMJ: i could fix him

JGY: you don't have to

NMJ: no i'm gonna

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia!

I just have to know- it's day six going into seven for Palmarosa. Contract part-two is in four days...

Do you see these next few chapters being explicit? Is Raphael truly intending to let Astarion see how life under contract is going to be, or is Raphael purposely holding back to lure Astarion into that next contract?

And, in your opinion, do you think that if Astarion truly sees Raphael at his cruelest towards him, he would be more comfortable signing a second? Able to know what the worst is instead of some nightmare he dreams up?

I love your story, and how you write Astarion. Thanks for your time!

It's still day 5!

I can't believe it's still day 5 in the contract, but it is, I'm writing a timeline and everything this time. So much has happened on this day, lmao.

(Chapters 13-18 all happen on the same day T.T)

I do think there's explicit content coming, but Raphael very much wants Astarion in that second contract, that being said, he's already cocked it up a few times already lmao. There's no guarantee he won't do that in other ways. I do plan writing-wise to get Astarion into that second contract though. Raphael oscillates between playing a very good long-game and then snapping and ruining his hard work, lol.

And, in your opinion, do you think that if Astarion truly sees Raphael at his cruelest towards him, he would be more comfortable signing a second? Able to know what the worst is instead of some nightmare he dreams up?

Raphael is not going to be his cruelest, and actually still isn't even though he does kind of lash out at Astarion in a very intense manner in the upcoming chapter. We've not seen Raphael at his worst. This is a guy who sees nothing wrong with keeping people in 'bones shattered in 100 places' levels of agony for hundreds of years. Even Raphael snapping is still Raphael not...giving himself to torture Astarion like he would an Eternal Debtor.

Astarion actually threatens to break the contract at the end of chapter 18 and through chapter 19. But...he hasn't yet.

Astarion has a lot of learned helplessness because of his experiences with Cazador. I imagine he had plenty of times to convince himself he was going to escape / find a way to beat the system etc. only to have all of that brainwashed and mind-read out of him. I am sure Cazador is the kind of person to know that someone will try and escape him and watch them try and then torture them for trying as a reminder that they are enslaved to him not just in body but in mind as well.

I don't think Astarion at this point is fully in contact with the part of him that knows he can walk away.

But also, Astarion accepted this first contract fully expecting to be raped and tortured regularly. He literally considered that and negotiated to make sure none of the torture caused permanent harm. This was a guy who negotiated a contract with stipulations based solely on expecting to be tortured/rape. From Astarion's perspective, Raphael hasn't actually done 99% of what Astarion expected him to do.

In some ways, that makes things harder for Astarion. Not knowing what to expect, and getting whole days where everything's uncertain but 'generally fine' followed by explosions of Raphael's temper etc. is like...still very hard for him to endure. But in a different kind of way.

I think Raphael's going to lay out the terms of the second contract very clearly soon, and Astarion will baulk simply because the terms of the contract will involve him doing two things he very much doesn't want to do. One goes against his personal ethics (and he's already refused to do it around Raphael once), and the second goes against his trauma history. And Raphael knows that. He isn't planning on tricking Astarion into that contract, he's banking on the idea that Astarion will still think the prize is worthwhile.

What I think Raphael is finding frustrating is that he had plans to introduce the concept of the second contract soon and Verillius came along and kind of ruined everything lmao. Raphael is pissed off for a lot of reasons right now. Can't a devil just manipulate a victim into a more high stakes contract in peace?

Unfortunately the Magic 8 Ball says no :D

[thechaoticcheese]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 2500 likes!

Legit waaaaaht??? Thank y'all so much! I just post my goofy little stories and thoughts. So thank y'all for enjoying them!

Also seeing like at least 10 people follow me is very nerve wracking and I'm so worried that my future pieces ain't gonna live up to expectations cause hhhhhhh. There's 67 of you now!

Y'all are too kind. Chaotic Cheese out!

[alltimewhat]

this is not new to say but i feel like the internet and social media and instant gratification have absolutely destroyed people's will and understanding of being uncomfortable. sometimes it's good to be uncomfortable. sometimes it's necessary. refusing to ever engage with ideas that make you uncomfortable will never get you anywhere but complicity and moral laziness

[weed-cat]

yall have got to stop conflating catharsis with praxis and/or progress.

[act-more-like-a-dog-sirius]

It’s really cathartic to just block people with exceptionally wrong fandom opinions

[autistic-britta-perry]

cellbit stuck on a costumer service job post prison and having not great therapy and being like ugh. ugh. trying to 'make it up to people' and get better while not disclosing he's done actual murders because he would not be free if he did. He roomed with Felps for a bit but then he found this very cheap place to live in and he just got that job and he knew Felps is not taking him changing seriously and was probably still doing bad shit that could get him in trouble. And he does want to keep having the somehow friendly relationship he has with Pac and Mike now, so.

He goes to check it out, and it's cheap it's very small but he's lived in worse places. If he feels there's something off about the residents and if the meat they cook tastes just like human flesh that's surely his own imagination right? if his hot new neighbour Roier sometimes has an odd look on his face or says strange things that's probably Cellbit projecting that he somehow knows about his past and is seeing right through him, RIGHT?

[moonshadowed]

"What, this?" Geordi asks, pointing to the strange device around his eyes. "This is my VISOR. I was born blind, and this helps me see."

He reaches up, disconnecting the VISOR. Now fully sightless eyes try to find @double-knots ' gaze as he passes the object to the teenage girl, smile bright and encouraging.

“You can try it on, if you want, but it might be a little confusing at first.” // starter call!

[fionnaskyborn]

i like the captain in my work. captain [REDACTED] is aesthetically (and to certain extents narratively) a mishmash of miranda, lasky and a teeny tiny bit of cortana. what i mean by narratively is that she is not just the penultimate captain of the crew, but also a symbol of hope, and the gang's final destination. yet when they reach her, she is the one that needs her spirits lifted. despite the fact that they share a common struggle - survival in a world where everything ought to be considered hostile and dangerous until proven otherwise - whereas the crew of the LMTH is essentially a group of individuals who can easily organize efforts and rely on each other, the captain has the much more difficult task of keeping everyone else alive and looking for survivors, all the while constantly running and hiding so as to not let the ones who shot them down blow out the last candles. her reunion with the crew is as much of a catharsis for her as it is for them, if not more.

and a silly doodle while you're here

[astroprojectology]

I found a neurodivergent enby hairstylist who is actually amazing and the salon is really chill, I love going there in the mornings when it's more quiet. I don't mind the small talk with my stylist but I wish they would unmask a bit bc the customer service mode erks my autism a little. But that's a me problem. It can be a tad loud if it's busy there, but I feel safe and cared for.

I love the feeling of the razor on my scalp getting my fade trimmed, and the fingers massaging my scalp and the feel of the warm soapy water as they wash my hair. I love the feeling of my head becoming lighter as the shape of my hairstyle is sculpted, and the feeling of the air around me brushing against my newly exposed scalp.

I used to cut my hair myself but taking the plunge to find a stylist and style that I love has been super worth it. It's relaxing, and I never have to worry about my hair getting messed up because it always comes out better than perfect.

If you’d like you can also say in the tags if you’re neurodivergent or not