#i was trained to only create for myself and show no one despite knowing people may like the stories or art

[thechaoticcheese]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 2500 likes!

Legit waaaaaht??? Thank y'all so much! I just post my goofy little stories and thoughts. So thank y'all for enjoying them!

Also seeing like at least 10 people follow me is very nerve wracking and I'm so worried that my future pieces ain't gonna live up to expectations cause hhhhhhh. There's 67 of you now!

Y'all are too kind. Chaotic Cheese out!

[risuola]

IX, FINALE — HAPPINESS...? // F. READER x TOBIRAMA SENJU

With Tobirama you learned the true meaning of happiness, of belonging, of love. He had shown you the life you had only dreamt of, he gave you a chance to become a mother. With him, you wanted to grow old.

contents: angst, tissues might me needed, major character death — 1,3k words

a/n: with that, I'm closing this story. I want to thank you guys so, so much for supporting it. when I began writing it years ago, I thought it will be just for myself and then, when I decided to publish the first part of it, I never, ever, expected it to be so well received. I thought that Tobirama isn't a character that's liked and I'm so happy I decided to post it. I'm sorry for all the delays and waiting. thank you ❥

POLITICALLY LOVELESS || SERIES MASTERLIST

Despair.

You have not gotten to know the real meaning of the word before, despite the rocky youth in your home village and everything life threw at you. It was an odd concept, one that you were gladly avoiding for all the years you spent in the world and instead of hurting and sadness, you basked in the happiness of your existence. With friends, with family, with people who cherished you.

With Tobirama, you have found joy. A bliss of belonging, the love that made you feel like you were walking on clouds and sunshine. He was a man of stoicism and calmness, a pillar of justice and cold-calculation, but you managed to break through the layers of protective aloofness, tear off the impassive armor and nestle yourself within his chest. You’ve got him in love. And you were in love too. Truly. Completely.

And then, when your son came to the world, you thought you’ve found everything you could ever wish for. Kazuki was a blessing, a baby created of you and your beloved Tobirama. A boy, whose name you chose to represent the hope and love you shared, the dreams and pride. And it was beautiful, to nurture the little human, to support his growth into an excellent human and watch him develop the features of both you and the Senju. You remember the way your husband cared for him, with delicate hands and warm smiles — just as he would tend to you. Because he loved you, with all his heart, even though he not always was capable of showing that. You knew more than words could ever express. You knew his heart through and through, could read it like an open book.

You watched your baby grow up. You remember the days when you’d visit Tobirama in his office, to bring him food and kisses, all while carrying your little treasure in your arms. Kazuki would always squeal happily, reaching his little hands towards his dada, demanding the cuddles and smooches. And without fail, your husband’s face would brighten up at the sight of you. Every single time. There was no document more important than you and his son, there was no meeting he wouldn’t stop just to spend a moment with his beloved family. You were spoiled by him and with all your might, you aimed to spoil him too.

Then, the boy began training with his father and you were there to support both of them, to kiss scraped knees and bring rice balls and snacks. You were there to watch your son learn new techniques, you helped him with weapons and jutsus. With a heart full of love and admiration, you observed how your precious boy played with Kagami, how they trained together and spent time as if they were siblings joined by blood. It was beautiful. It was a dream.

It had to be a nightmare.

Despair has never been a feeling you truly experienced. Why would you? You had all you could possibly want. A beautiful house, a garden, a village you could call your home. You had a beautiful child and a loving husband. Tobirama. He has shielded you from feelings akin to sorrow. You didn’t even know it, but everything he did was to secure your future in safety. The ninja academy, the ANBU, even the police that was run by Uchihas. In Senju’s mind, you were the main reason to continue living, to continue striving towards the best outcomes. You and Kazuki. Two parts of his heart.

This couldn’t be true.

 You remembered the days that were careless. You’d wake up in his arms as Sunday’s sun filtered through the curtains. You’d inhale the scent of his skin — a fresh rain and musk — and then kiss his cheeks enough times to make up for all the time you couldn’t do it when he wore his usual face paints. Then, your son would join you, jumping onto the bed and nudging between you two, giggling with this beautiful youthful innocence that you wished with your entire heart to protect for as long as possible. You’d cuddle for a while, whisper-talking about sweet little nothings as he’d play with your hair, keeping you in his protective embrace. Oh, you’d wish to go back to those days. Those Sundays, those hours spent in your little corner of the world, sound and filled with joy, with the birds singing outside and the scent of laundry in the air.

No.

Or the days when it rained. Tobirama loved the sound of rain, the droplets pitter-pattering against the windows in the late evenings. You loved those moments too, when you’d melt against his chest, with a herbal aroma of tea filling the room and the warmth of his body so close to yours. He would tell you all about his day, the decisions he had to make as hokage, the improvements of his students, the funny stories from the trainings. He would kiss your head over and over again and sigh in content, as you basked in his touch. And then, the calm would be broken by the sound of the doors snapping open — soaked in rain, Kazuki would run inside along with Kagami, both laughing and panting as they quickly shed the damp vests and muddy shoes. The life would come back to the house, along with the chaos that you wouldn’t give up for any treasures of the world because you already had what’s most precious. On those days, you’d fall asleep late, after drying the boys, feeding and tucking them to bed. It’s just then, after you’d make sure both Kagami and Kazuki were asleep and give them both few gentle forehead kisses, when you’d allow yourself once more to melt into Tobirama’s embrace.

You thought that there’s no way in the world you’d ever survive without the feeling of cuddling to your husband. He’s became the air you needed to breathe, the blood that’s needed for your heart to beat. He’s became everything, your pride, your soulmate, your lover and the father of your child. He was a person you couldn’t wait to grow old with.

No, please.

“He volunteered to be a decoy. We couldn’t– I couldn’t stop him.”

There was nothing hard to understand in the simple sentence that was delivered to you by Kagami. You watched him, your eyes absentmindedly following the tears that run down his cheeks as he trembled in front of you. The other ninjas that knelt behind him had their heads hanging low but it was easy to tell some of them were crying.

Your husband was gone.

In an instinct, you took the Uchiha to yourself, hugging the young boy to your heart as if you were his own mother — because partially, you were as close to him as that. He hugged you tightly, whispering apologies like a broken cassette and you rocked him softly, back and forth, telling him it’s okay and kissing his temple. You told him that it’s okay, all while your own heart was breaking to pieces.

So that’s the feeling.

Despair was something you have not experienced until you watched the coffin being covered with sand. Until you watched your husband being buried right in front of your eyes. Tobirama died, sacrificing himself to save the youth, to stop the enemy, to save you and your son — Kazuki, who clung to your body, crying his eyes out as the burial took place. Who cried for weeks after and whom you cried with, even though you tried to be strong. For him and for the man that took your heart down to his grave.

Because of Tobirama, you have learned the meaning of true happiness. Of love and belonging, of bliss and joy.

Because of Tobirama, you have got to experience being a mother and raising a child.

And because of Tobirama, you have learned the meaning of true despair.

taglist: @garouaddict @bluebreadenthusiast @nelivv @drthymby @humongousdreamlandbear @darlingxoxo15 @gaozorous-rex-blog @hanamisofficialspouse @claireshelby @min-aaa @thenightperson

[preservationofnormalcy]

Ever encounter cursed water sources? Or have records of any of them?

I mean, plenty. You know, “Cursed” is kind of a broad term. Could mean there’s a revenant in there, could mean it’s haunted. There’s a couple lakes in the country that had a big enough ship sink that Jones took a little slice of it.

I mean, I guess I could tell the story about how I almost got drowned.

This was a few years back. Or geeze, more than that, come to think of it. We’d been hearing stories about a cursed lake in backwoods Minnesota. Usually we’d just file that as an urban myth, maybe send some YouTubers out to make a ridiculous video. Y’know, downplay the urban myth so that nothing comes in to take that place.

But this one had some…frankly really concerning elements. Boats capsized, pets missing. We had some really worrying photos rolling around social media. Everything pointed to some kind of revenant. Vengeful spirit, cursed to roam the watery depths and inflict on others the kind of pain it felt, etc. Standard stuff.

So they sent me, winter coat and all, up to this lake with another agent. It became pretty clear we weren’t seeing a revenant - the carcasses it left behind were stripped bare, so it clearly needed to eat. We tried to stake the place out, watched people fish and swim despite the clearly placed “no swimming” signs. We were getting nothing.

I wanted to try one more thing before we left. Not my smartest idea, and no one should do this over a body of water with extranormal activity of unknown classification. Leave the dumb ideas to the trained dumb decision professionals.

Anyway, I found myself in the dead of night sitting in a crappy rowboat, barely a moon in the sky. I had a life jacket on, thank god. I had rowed out to the center of the lake, not really knowing what I was doing or looking for. I ended up just shouting “we’re here to help, we’re from the Office” out over the water.

It was about a half hour before I heard any kind of reply. I saw some bubbles and tried to figure out what was causing them. “Hey, can you hear me? I’m here from the office, is there any way I can help?”

I heard from behind me a quiet voice say “I need my skin…” and everything went black. The boat turned over like it had been yanked down and I was pinned under it for a second. There’s that half second when you get dunked in the cold water where you’re in shock, you don’t know which way is up. I knew I’d done the stupidest possible thing when I could just barely see the shine of the moon above me, glimmering off the ripples I’d created when I fell through. I could feel hands on me, and I tried to orient myself before I got pulled under. The waterproof flashlight in my hand was on, and after that second of panic I swung it around to whatever was holding me. It recoiled, all long arms and hair, long teeth behind curled lips. It let me go, and I scrambled, throwing off my jacket and swimming up to the capsized boat. I could barely hold onto it, trying to climb up onto the underside - for whatever reason, I could only think of that scene from the Titanic, and I was sure I’d be going out like DiCaprio.

I had just barely caught my breath when I heard a hiss. The thing had breached the surface, just barely, glaring at me over the back of the rowboat, putting a hand on the wood. As if it were trying to push it under the water, make it too heavy to float.

“Selkie!” I knew what he was, and I panicked. I knew the proper thing was to greet it in Gaelic, but I didn’t know any. “Your skin. It’s gone. Someone’s stolen it, is that right?”

The glare softened, but claws gripped the wood, scratching grooves in it. The selkie, that person dipped back under the water until just his eyes were showing.

“We can help,” I said. “We can find the thief and we can bring it back.” I was sure that we could, but needless to say I would have taken any way out at that point.

After a long, tense moment of silence, we managed to come to an understanding. He spoke English with a heavy accent, but it was enough that I could ask him to put my boat back upright and let us give him our card.

The case got handed over to someone else after that. I never learned what he was doing in the States, but I did hear he’s in Seattle now. I wonder how he’s doing.

...Holy ████, Norm.

What? That’s not even my worst story.

I was gonna talk about my ASMO date with a rusalka, but that's terrifying.

[nori-thestranger-in]

Fuck it. I've been keeping this AU to myself for 10 years because I just didn't know how to approach it, but now I'mma share it, and you're gonna like it! Or not. I can't tell you what to do or what to like. I'm not your mom (I hope?) Different strokes for different folks, as they say. So again, not an artist. Best I can do is some scribbles. - I do write but I'm just not well versed enough in politics or war/combat to really turn this idea into a full fledged fanfiction. I dunno, maybe if enough people see this over time and show interest I'll give it a shot. Who knows. Quick Summary: The Borg corporation was only a tiny piece of a much bigger pie. It's collapse, though inconvenient, had ultimately only set the bigger operation back a few years, and perhaps it was to Kiril's advantage that it had. The US government had raided the abbey, "freed" the 1200 child soldiers within, and shut down the program. With the fall of Borg the United States was certain the threat had been eradicated and a war was no longer brewing. But they knew nothing of the bigger picture, and were still completely unaware that 300 of those "free" children had been mutated into bio-weapons with the strength of sacred beasts running through their veins. There had been concern for a time that some of the children might dare to speak out, but despite Vladimir and Voltaire's ignorance the youth had been programmed well. However, it wasn't just blind loyalty that kept them quiet. It was fear. Pure, unadulterated, fear. Those that felt any inkling to rebel (such as the members of Neo Borg) knew that to testify in a court of law, or to speak out in any manner would mean a fate far worse than death. They could never escape, and they knew that. When the time was right the children would be called to arms and would serve the operation resolutely. Those that refused to heed the call would simply be eliminated. What Kiril was unaware of, however, was that one of those children, one with a familial blood, had a rebel spirit much too strong to ever be quelled. With the power of the legendary twin phoenixes, one of life and the other of death, and his memories of the abbey nearly fully restored, 17-year-old Kai Hiwatari would soon be recognized as one of the most powerful, and most dangerous bio-weapons to have ever been created. And so.... Kiril's plans may yet be thwarted...

***

Interested??? Great! Alright *deep inhale* So this AU is set 2-ish years after the final season of Beyblade G-Revolution, though some parts of the series are altered (and the manga is entirely disregarded). Changes worth noting from the series:

Kai was in the Abbey from the age of 5 - 12 and didn't receive Black Dranzer until his final week there (more details later).

Black Dranzer was not created by Rasputin and is instead Suzaku's twin.

Kai is half Russian on his father's side, so legally his last name is Koscheyev - though he uses his late mother's surname "Hiwatari". This means Soichiro's (who I will be referring to as Voltaire to distance him from Japanese origins) last name, for the sake of this AU, is also Koscheyev.

Kai's family runs a Russian Pharmaceutical company, along with having many other investments including some of secretive military origins dating back as far as WWII.

The abbey was a military training facility first and foremost. Beyblading was only introduced as a way for them to get their hands on more sacred spirits to create more bio-weapons.

Yuriy did not take Takao to a different dimension in their battle at the end of the first season, he just used his abilities (more on this later) to wrap them in like an ice-cocoon... thing... I guess? (It's been 5 years since I last watched this series and my adhd brain does not retain information well so I'm likely to remember shit wrong.)

The events of Takao's battle with Brooklyn were not real and they did not destroy an entire stadium (because let's be real - people would have died). Brooklyn is a bio-weapon (more on this later) and used that power to get into Takao's head to create that reality as they fought. (maybe more on this in a later post.)

Vladimir offers Garland the power of a bio-weapon (though this is not explained to him properly) and it's this reason that he beats Yuriy so badly (because in this AU Yuriy is a badass who would never wind up in a coma after a beyblade match).

Kai's memory of the abbey does not fully return to him until after his battle with Brooklyn. Vladimir had to be incredibly careful not to unlock everything within Kai when he gave him Black Dranzer during the Russian tournament in season one (more on why later)

Dranzer's bit is gone - Suzaku is not. Kai is unaware that she still resides within him and has retired permanently from beyblading.

I -think- that's it for notable changes? I dunno, as I mentioned previously, the last time I watched Beyblade was during the Covid lockdown so I'm sure I'm misremembering things and forgetting others. It's an AU so just explain any other plot holes away with the power of your imagination. 🌈🦄🤷🏻‍♀️

The only ship I touch upon at all is Kai x Yuriy, and it's very light until the epilogue (which I might actually write as a standalone.)

Anyway, I've prattled on long enough I think. Thanks to anyone who read this - extra thanks to anyone who wants to tag along on this journey and learn about this AU through my terrible art, bad jokes, and sub-par writing! I'll be back with more soon!

[blackr23]

Super Elle Korea p2

💬 I look forward to what kind of record will be achieved (laughs). This year, it seems that you have practiced a lot of singing, what is the reason?

🥟: Although I also have the desire to do better, it is because I want to dedicate myself to this for a long time. To achieve this, everything must have a solid foundation, right? Writing songs, singing them and being on stage are the things I want to do most throughout my life. That's why I keep researching and learning.

💬 Despite that, when it comes to 'Hwang Hyunjin', people still expect more from the performative side. How do you feel about it? Would you like to show a different side?

🥟: Vocal and technique training is preparation for the future, but I think that, for now, it is right to focus on performance. I still have the desire to continue hearing that I do it well. Recently, I realized that this job really suits me because, as a K-pop artist, one can't help but receive constant feedback. Whether positive or critical, I accept it and use it as my driving force. Any stimulus, for me, is not a wound, but a nutrient

💬 It's a story that will reassure fans a lot when they hear it.

🥟: I am certain that I will be able to continue doing well in the future. Thanks to that, lately my insides have been very peaceful.

💬 Watching the personal vlog series 'Hyun.e's Holiday', you feel like you are trying hard to enjoy even the small pleasures of everyday life

🥟: Seriously, I know how to have fun alone! Of course, I like talking to or spending time with other people, but there are endless things I can do alone. Plus, I have a lot of hobbies.

💬 There may not be much time to be completely alone

🥟: Even so, I do it when I can. I used to think that happiness came by itself as long as I lived with effort. But now I feel like happiness is something I have to intentionally pursue. I believe that happiness is something that, if necessary, I must achieve by investing time, money and energy, and that is why I do not skimp on it. 'What will I do today? Will I watch a movie? Will I paint something? Will I practice what I learned in the last guitar class? Shall I go to the bookstore?'... Yesterday I bought a bunch of flowers at the flower shop

💬 Yesterday? Didn't they return home after finishing the concert? (laughs)

🥟: By chance I found a flower shop that sells rare species. I went there as soon as I arrived in Korea. I bought flowers, pots and a glass vase to place the flowers. Plus, the weather was nice, and I felt really happy

💬 If you find an exhibition, you said you always buy the catalog too. Of the catalogs you've accumulated so far, which ones do you consult most frequently?

🥟: The reason I buy the catalogs is to prevent the exhibitions from fading from my memory and also to try to replicate some works. My favorite is still Monet, but the one I check out most often is Egon Schiele. Although I prefer pretty paintings, I am curiously inclined to look at his. Someday, I would like to not only practice art like I do now, but actually create art

💬 What is the difference between '미술' (visual art) and '예술' (general art) according to Hyunjin?

🥟: Well, simply drawing because I like it is '미술' (visual art). But if I try to express my world and my intentions, that would be '예술' (art in general). I haven't told anyone I want to try it yet, nor have I tried to, but one day I would like to express what I have inside. Although I don't know if I'll have the courage to do it.

💬 What is the reason why you like Monet?

🥟: He is the pioneer of impressionism. When "Impression, Rising Sun" was first released, it received negative reviews. I think I am influenced by people who have the courage to start something new. Being able to paint something as you see it, even if it is actually gray but looks pink to your eyes. It's that feeling of "I want to be a person like that too." Since I lack courage, that kind of attempt in itself seems admirable to me.

💬 Do you feel like you are a person without courage/bravery?

🥟: Because you cannot be completely free from the gaze of others. Still, I'm gathering a lot of courage. Even at this moment!

💬 In the vlog, your swimming seemed familiar and comfortable. What emotions do you feel when you are in the water?

🥟: I usually use the noise cancellation feature a lot, you know? But when I enter the water, naturally there is no sound. I love that. It also helps me organize my thoughts, so at the beginning of my debut I even memorized lyrics while swimming. It gives me a feeling of escaping reality, and also improves my physical endurance. Like during a tour, swimming doesn't seem to have any problems

💬: There are many mechanisms or things that make you think 'if I do this, I will definitely be happy!'

🥟: That's right. That is the driving force of my life

[thinkingfandoms]

An accurate list of the best movies I've ever seen

This list also includes reasons that are all too objective and nonsensical. Avoid asking too many questions. And share what you think in the comments!

Hercules

Hercules is probably my favourite Disney movie. And I also think that's where my interest in Greek mythology started. Hades is my favorite villain from this company and he's such a mood.

The Prince of Egypt

Oh dear you don't know how much I love this movie. I know every song by heart and was lucky enough to sing them with my choir. I'm a big fan of animation and despite how old is this movie, I think it remains one of the best ever produced. I cried more times over this movie than over all the others on this list combined.

Friends & Family

I only discovered this film this year but it quickly became one of my favorites. I have never laughed for so many consecutive minutes at a movie. I approached it because it's unusual to see a gay mob-themed movie, but I immediately fell in love with all the characters and the final scene remains one of the most comic I have ever seen.

Treasure Planet

I have a soft spot for animated films about great adventures and self-discovery. Jim has been my only animated crush for years, and his story has always resonated with something inside of me (maybe the desire for adventure and his recklessness, idk). Plus, of course, "'I'm Still Here" is one of the most beautiful soundtracks ever created.

Howl's Moving Castle

One of the first films I saw by Studio Ghibli and my absolute favourite. The love stories created by this Studio are always wonderful, and this one is no different. Plus I always saw myself in Sophie (especially about the crush on Howl) and, well, there's Calcifer, what more do you want?

Les Choristes

Another thing I love: movies about music. It may be that I've been playing an instrument for years and singing in choirs, but I've always cried watching kids rediscover a new side of themselves through music and songs. And these songs are composition's masterpieces. I still remember them all by heart even though French isn't my native language.

A Christmas Carol

I'm slightly obsessed with this story, with Charles Dickens and with Christmas. I was born on Christmas Eve so you can imagine how close this theme is to my heart. I have seen several versions of this story though, and for some reason, this one remains my favourite. It may be that it's different from other more colourful versions and really shows the darkness behind the original story, idk.

How to Train Your Dragon

I literally grew up with this saga: I was 8 years old at the first film, 12 at the second and 17 at the third. I watched Hiccup grow up with me as a friend and Toothless as a fellow adventurer. I'll forever be grateful to Dreamworks for creating the best-animated saga that cinema has ever seen.

The Three Musketeers

This movie is so random that it's perfect. I watched it again recently (after like 8 years) and realized that maybe my daddy issues come from this movie: Luke Evans, Orlando Bloom and the freaking Mads Mikkelsen together, seriously? I'm not surprised it was one of my favourite movies growing up.

A Monster in Paris

The love I have for this film is enormous. I could never get over the beauty of the songs in it. The characters are so well written and Francœur will always be in my top animated characters. It's too amazing to be real.

Rise of the Guardians

I could talk for hours about this film and have not even touched the tip of the iceberg. I have an insane obsession with all the characters, starting with and especially Jack, my top animated crush for years. It's all so perfect that I don't see how people never nominate it when it comes to top animated movies.

The Hobbit

Again, I have serious problems with films about fantasy adventures. I have always preferred The Hobbit saga to its sequel because the story has always fascinated me more. And the main character especially: for me Bilbo >>>> Frodo. And then there's Thorin and Luke Evans. You know, daddy issues.

Mune: Guardian of the Moon

Another French animated movie, another obsession, another adventure, another animated character in my top. This is an example of how to do good animation. There isn't a colour out of place. The settings are authentic, the characters are original, and the adventure they make gets me every time.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

I'm maybe a Muggle, but I prefer Fantastic Beasts to the Harry Potter saga. That's not to say it's better, mind you, but it reflects me more. We all know how we Hufflepuffs (and Ravenclaws) have no real representation in the HP movies, so to be able to have at least one prequel saga starring a Hufflepuff (in which I also find myself far too much) as the protagonist is wonderful. And I have an unhealthy urge to become a magizoologist.

The Greatest Showman

It's the movie I have watched the most of these. I know every song by heart and every line too. It always manages to be a roller coaster of emotions. And it has Hugh Jackman in it.

The Boy Foretold By The Stars

I'm a big supporter of the Philippine's film company. This is one movie is gentle, funny, and not based on the usual drama between Christianity and LGBT+ people (which is what I thought when reading the plot at first). Moreover, another underrated thing, the Philippines' music company here has thrown in masterpiece after masterpiece of songs, perfect for this movie.

Bros

This is my top comfort film in the last year. It's like watching a Hallmark movie but hotter, much more sincere and gay. Very gay. And the relationship between the two main characters is so cute and sweet. And funny.

Top Gun: Maverick

I love this saga but especially love this particular chapter. I love Maverick and his relationship with Rooster, and all the other characters are so well-written. And don't get me started on the story... I LOVE it. There isn't much else to say except that Cruise is a great actor (and a terrible person).

Glass Onion - Knives Out

I love my silly little gay detective. And I have a little passion for movies and mystery series. I found this saga's chapter more compelling than the first one, and the characters gripped me more. Also I fell in love with the setting. Oh and then there are Daniel Craig and Hugh Grant.

[pencilpat]

Dukeceitbrainrot here on anon. Do you have any ripe headcanons for Janus/Remus? 💛💚

Who am I fooling, we have so many that I can't even write them all out in one place without overwhelming myself! Here's some juicy ones though, just for you. @dukeceitbrainrot

Janus and Remus both have really bad abandonment issues, both from things Thomas has been through as well as losing Virgil from such a previously tight knit group. They cling to each other very, very hard. They fell in love out of necessity, out of proximity, out of 'you are the only one left for me,' but they still love, love, love.

They both watch a lot of horror films, sure, but their tastes are completely different. While Janus would bring things like Run. or Us to movie night, Remus will bring things like Slaughtered Vomit Dolls or Cannibal Holocaust and spend the whole film infodumping about the horrific backstories and crimes involved. Janus sits there utterly horrified the whole time, but he lets Remus have his fun nonetheless.

Remus eats a lot of weird stuff that's very bad for his health (I headcanon that he has the disorder pica among his menagerie) and Janus has to help him quell those compulsions in any way he can. That resulted in Janus learning to bake and cook creations that look or feel in texture exactly like the things Remus would want to eat. Such as sugar glass for that nasty glass swallowing habit, or fondant to replace fancy soaps. Janus once created candy that looks and feels like razor blades, just for him.

They are SO 'horrible beast and enabling owner' coded okay, "I don't know, I just let him play," and all else are you kidding me?? Janus enables the chaos for his own amusement and Remus's antics are an endless source of entertainment for him. Janus can be pretty easily grossed out, but it's creates flabbergasted affection towards Remus more than anything else.

A bit nsfw, skip if you need to. But their sex isn't actually as weird as you'd expect from Remus. He's a lot softer and sweeter to people he genuinely loves. He gets worried when he loves someone, will he scare them off, will he make them hate him like most others have, will they be just like the others? Their opinion actually matters to him, which is bizarre and terrifying for him to deal with. Janus is very good at reassuring him and keeping him close and safe when emotions do interfere with their encounters. Remus needs a lot of aftercare most of the time, he's very prone to those rushes of negative emotions following sex.

Remus gets injured a lot, either from fights with Roman or his own tendencies to step on/into his own weapons. Janus knows very basic field first aid because of this, and has to patch him up while chastising him pretty much 6 out of 7 days of the week.

Janus has really bad days sometimes, where his responsibilities and his role as Denial crash onto him like a train. He's hiding so much, holding so much back and away from the others. It's a taxing task. Remus shows a surprisingly strong soft side on those nights, caring for and comforting Janus through every trauma reaction he may have, be it screaming, crying, scratching at himself, etc etc. It can be really rough for both of them, but Janus is always incredibly grateful to Remus for staying with him through it, despite.

Remus does not care whether Janus likes affection or not, he WILL be being kissed and laid on and grabbed and tackled and shoved into Remus's chest 24 hours 7 days a week and he is not allowed to complain.

Shockingly domestic, sweet couple. always baking or gardening together or sitting on the sofa together doing nothing at all. The only difference is that There Is An Eyeball On The Coffee Table or Remus Filled That Pot With Human Waste So I Cannot Use It or other bizarre inclusions of disgusting things among their neat little domestic life.

Remus is a coffee drinker, Janus is a tea drinker. There are many arguments over this. 200 dead, 5000 injured.

Janus likes to try and plan civil, nice dates in The Mindpalace for them, but Remus always fucks it up in some horrific way, intentionally. What is love worth if it cannot flourish in chaos, huh Janus? Huh??

That's all for now, I love these two idiots so much

[moontheoretist]

Are nuanced vampires too outlandish?

Thank you Jaheira for supporting me in my very brave albeit unusual approach to vampires in DnD. When I first time heard Astarion's idea about vampires as a vampire himself - namely the fact that they are all evil, selfish, power hungry and dangerous monsters that will never treat a spawn as equal or let them become a full vampire, because it simply creates competition for them - I was like "You'd have thought that the most romantic story for a vampire would be if they fell in love with a human, made them a spawn, and then shared their own blood with them to make them a full vampire". It's in fact what happened in the First Kill - Juliette's parents are an unorthodox couple. She is the pureblood vampire from a long line of vampires, while he was just a human that she turned into a vampire. There is even a scene in the show when they lie on the bed, she cradles his head with a wrist put to his lips while he drinks her blood. It was very romantic and very not liked by the matriarch of the family, who saw the man as lesser than.

Still, even despite Astarion being technically an expert at this topic, I couldn't stop myself from imagining that at least one vampire who isn't nasty exists in the DnD lore. But in general, I guess it'd be just like Astarion said. They create spawns, but don't let them become vampires, because it creates competition in all: social, political and hunting related topics. The struggle for power between vampires.

There can probably exist a good vampire if you so wish. You just need to become creative about it. Vampires aren't a race in DnD, but not so long ago Drow were considered to be all evil, while nowadays they are given more nuance. I think it isn't impossible for vampires, either.

I just generally don't like races that are evil by default. And I feel like I'm not alone in this. Evil by default feels boring to me a lot. It's just so cheap and lazy to just create a whole ass group and then deem it evil by principle. And even though vampires are not technically a race in DnD but something more akin to disease or curse, I still feel like there is a space for nuance here. That there could exist some vampires that are good. And I saw some DMs on reddit claiming that they created good vamps in their campaigns. And when it comes to the lore of the game like Baldur's Gate 3... if Dragon Age taught me something, it's that no single character can establish lore that can't be disproven by another character. The world in real life and in fiction both is always conceptualized by people, and those people can be wrong or only see a tiny fragment of the entire puzzle. Which means that for every 10 of Cazadors there is probably at least 1 vampire that is nothing like them in terms of morality and alignment. Hell, even Cazador's own mentor - Vellioth, behaved a bit differently than what Astarion told us about vampires. He gave Cazador "the gift" which I assume meant he made him a full vampire and trained him as the future Vampire Lord. Taught him all the cruelty that Vellioth thought was needed for vampires to survive in the world. With the final lesson ending with his own death.

For all means and purposes, it very much feels like Vellioth wanted to raise Cazador into the perfect vampire and was happy to die in order to make it happen. If we only relied on what Astarion said, we would have to say that it's highly unusual for vampires to create heirs like Vellioth did. What's more, heirs that they intended to surpass them one day. Vellioth made the pact with the devils, prepared everything for Cazador to Ascend. The only thing Cazador needed to do was to get all the necessary souls to fulfill it. Why would Vellioth do all of this if vampires only cared about themselves and their own power? Why would he die for his own heir instead of become Vampire Ascendant himself? Just thinking about it makes me sure that there is much we don't know about DnD vampires. Much to be explored in the future.

If I were to theorize based on data I have now, I'd say that vampire's alignment is fluctuating between a few settings, but tends to be on the evil side of things. While The Rite of Profane Ascension is a step further on the evolutionary tree of vampires, and something that can switch them permanently to twisted beings that don't see anybody as people anymore, only objects they can own or things to be used. And it's part of the price to pay for being able to break the shackles that vampirism puts on vampires. Cazador was already twisted long before the Rite, so in his case the change would not be visible much, but for Astarion? Especially Astarion that the player was steering in the right direction all along? That's a huge leap, even considering his wacky moral compass. As after the Ascension he is no longer himself. He loses himself, twisted beyond recognition by such a great power.

And yes, Astarion is just a spawn. I know that, but the point I'm trying to make is that Cazador being as he is, doesn't mean every other full vampire is exactly the same as him with the same fucked personality.

Which means that there is still hope for full vampires to be more than what Cazador showed Astarion vampires to be. It's also worth taking into account that Astarion probably never met any full vampire other than Cazador. Even though, Cazador was in contact with vampires.

(Maybe he did see them during some balls? There was a ballroom in the Palace, so maybe there were some social gatherings held there?)

(Here is a transcript of the letter on BG3 wiki).

So it wouldn't be a stretch to assume that even Astarion doesn't have a full picture. He was just a spawn, after all, and not even the favored one. What could he know about the vampire politics other than what he heard or saw occasionally when he wasn't busy hunting the prey for his master? He definitely knows more than most, but because he was confined to the Palace alone, it may mean that he never saw how vampires in other cities behave. Though, Vellioth's training says a lot about how he saw vampire society if he needed Cazador to survive. It's definitely not a walk in a park. Gives a harsh environment vibes.

That's also the reason why I think they are mostly evil aligned. While also still considering that not every vampire is the same and that the exceptions to the rule happen. Most would probably now say that if such exceptions exist, they didn't survive, and that is probably true in many cases, but I still think that some vampires could survive thanks to their intelligence and strategizing. Even playing evil for the sake of not being targeted is on the table. As well as non-noble vampires, like peasants in some village or something. We often associate vampires with aristocracy, but it's not impossible that they have a class system in their society as well. Lower class vampires, living in some remote villages, probably wouldn't even care about power struggles beyond their tiny piece of land and "that asshole that threatens my position in the village" or something. It's so funny to imagine some peasant who is a vampire trying to outsmart his neighbor, also a peasant vampire, in order to gain better position with the mayor or the village council.

I have no idea how much or how little DnD talks about vampires, as I never read any books written for the universe. I checked Forgotten Realms wiki, but it was strangely sparse with the lore in comparison to I dunno, the long article about Drizzt or Jarlaxle, so I just assumed that vampires don't really play any major role to be expanded upon so much as to have a whole ass article just about the intricacies of their society and politics. Maybe I'm wrong. But my point still stands. The lore should be rich and shouldn't rely on shortcuts like "they're all evil duh, they're an epitome of evil, the manifestation of evil because we said so". This can't be, and this is not what I live for as a writer and an avid fantasy enjoyer. What I live for is a nuanced lore that breaks the stereotypes. To conclude: I really like complicating the vampire lore.

Maybe it's outlandish and batshit crazy, but it's what I like.

[sonicasura]

[User’s] Long Haul/Omnitrix’s Longevity

The misshaped city actually had some sense to it despite all the complicated architecture to it.

(“You can turn into aliens?!”

“And you’ve helped people who had severe mental disorders for years, waltzing into their mind to fix it? There are a lot more unbelievable things out in the world than me.”)

Raz looked at the more artificial(?) sections as these were the Omnitrix’s part of the mindscape. The psychonaut in-training was actually very curious how an AI(?) could generate a mindscape in the first place! This was sci-fi taken up a notch, in his opinion. Would Sasha or Mr Mentalis want to visit here? One of the first artificial minds to be constructed all on its own!

The Omnitrix user navigated their own mind with a bit of an awkward grace as everything had been a bit reshuffled. [User] showed great interest in the figments that showed up, though some (a very long humanoid one) made them have Raz rush through. “For both our sakes, I would rather not traumatize you or retraumatize myself with the human centipede movie.” The sheer disgust from them made him let the Figment fade as soon as it was collected.

He didn’t even want to know what a human centipede was or how someone made it into a movie.

———————————

Their “friend” had explained that Mindscapes tended to form into partial labyrinths when a psychic entered them. Minds did this to protect the actual owner and force issues to the surface. Even if someone doesn’t know the exact problem, there will be cracks to lead either them or a psychonaut to it.

Bits of their old adventures popped in the more organic looking sections and some old enemies of the Omnitrix were around in freeze frames.

Even in their own mind, they still had to fight off these Deep Regrets and Personal Demons. [User] didn’t really know how to feel about their issues becoming personified to an extent. Or how partially embarrassing it was for so many Mental Cobwebs to be around.

—————————————

The first Memory Vault didn’t run?

In fact, it ran right up to the Omnitrix User.

Raz felt a bit of amusement from them though it only grew as they opened the memory vault without much issue. A few moments after them viewing their own memory—they waved him over to see it too. He prepared himself as he was sucked into the equivalent of a slideshow.

The First Transform-A-Thon.

The slideshow went through [User]’s first time transforming into each of their first ten and when they had gotten used to it.

Getting used to the hivemind that was Ditto, then later having fun cleaning up a wide area using all the copies.

Playing spy trying to get used to Veilizard’s camouflage, then spooking a few campers who were getting too close to something.

Clay-More, which caused a slight wince, breaking robots apart. Then, forcing another larger robot(?) apart… That part of the slideshow oddly ended with them relaxing in a pool as mostly liquid.

Them struggling to avoid using contractions as Mars Shall, then adapting a mostly silent fighting style using this form.

Spewpa being a literal learning curve, then [User] being able to let loose on an odd planeg creating a rocket sized smoke plume. They were almost cackling at the sheer destruction—with the melting bodies of several Xenomorphs being blown to bits too. (Raz tried to swallow the fear of those guys being actually real somewhere out in the universe.)

Them getting used to Water Hazard exoskeleton and hydrokinesis, then later relying on this form as their main water alien.

Freaking out over being so small when compared to Azmuth (who?) as Nanomech, then later using the transformation to perform surgery on the Vehicons.

Snorcupine being one of their least used yet pretty useful transformations. The ability knock people out with a single quill is neat.

The psychic-Jellyfish—Skystinger’s first transformation being far less elegant as they flailed around, then to being able to masterfully dodge blasts and use their own Forcefield against Ratchet.

Heatblast being one of the original aliens to the Omnitrix. Them taking a very long time to get comfortable with being constantly on fire. Using most moments to practice control with this one and then discovering the sudden bursts of speed. (Making small glass globes was oddly the happiest part about it.)

————————————

“Woah! How long did it take you figure out all those abilities?” The younger kid asked, amazement in his voice at seeing all the different powers available to them.

[User] bit back a laugh at the expression since others seldomly got excited about transformations outside a few. “Months to what felt like years.” They can lie, right? Not say that they haven’t physically aged past the point they first met Azmuth and the Omnitrix. “Each transformation has its own base skills, but it takes a lot of practice for higher energy ones. It wouldn’t exactly be walking in other species shoes if I was handed the car keys first.”

—ROB’d Anon.

Dart has a lot of memories and not even accidentally killing Megatron could permanently stain being able to use Clay-More. They are also more reflective, having a hyper intelligent alien for a mentor followed by the constant companion of an Alien AI. Emotional constipation merely prevents them from stating their real issues.

Raz really doesn't want to see Human Centipede if he wants to sleep for the next few months. I love how eager the first Memory Bank is to be seen. Also Dart learning the basics of a Psychonaut's job is great.

I do have a feeling that the later Memory Banks will have some difficulty in reaching. Not because they don't want to be viewed but the peculiar placements.

[the-owl-tree]

like as a character creator and writer myself, most of my protagonists are not good people. Several are actively bad people. It doesn’t make reading them any less compelling, bc if you know how to, idk actually Write, than the audience will still follow the character despite knowing they’re wrong bc it’s INTERESTING. One of the worst things media can be is boring, that’s worse than being actively bad to me. Example, the new Madame Web movie by Sony Entertainment was unanimously considered worse than Morbius, which ppl clowned in for weeks of not MONTHS. Why? It’s not necessarily any better or worse than Morbius. The reason is because it’s boring. One guy actually fell asleep during it despite TAKING NOTES to try and keep himself awake. A supplementary book that doesn’t engage with what was established in the source material in any meaningful way, changes things to make the protagonist look better without having any real character reason as to WHY other than a surface level ‘make her seem complex’, and actively makes not only the protagonist, but other established characters seem golden heartedly or evil to basically create a faux narrative because you blatantly can’t think of a conflict other than tired tropes, is not only BORING, it’s bad writing. If they wanted to make her seem complex or write a different perspective, they could have gone the ‘unreliable narrator’ route, where the character thinks they are right and narrarates themselves as such, but the text itself shows the opposite. Having Leopardfur/star be arrogant but also completely confident that her perspective is the right one, refusing to examine her beliefs until it’s too late, would make a very interesting story imo! It’s the story of a villain who thinks they’re a hero. They could have done something from that. Instead they basically took the tropes and basic structure from nearly every other special edition and gave it a shoddy new coat of paint. It’s books like these that make me feel better abt my writing lmao, if they got published amd on the top charts than call me Charles Dickens LOL

I was expecting them to sand down Leopardstar but this is a whole other character! No arrogance, no pride, even her ambitions aren't even touched on. The most we get is her wanting a rematch with ThunderClan and that's not even that interesting.

I think a moment that pissed me off is this scene where she's training Whitepaw and he's not listening so Frogleap tells her to be gentle and kind and motherly and baaaaaahhhhh why?? This is not the character Leopardfur needs to be! The character arc needs to be setting up her eventually descent into TigerClan, not giving me a dumb fuck scene of her learning how to be nicies. It speaks to why this shouldn't exist, or at least be a novella, the fat they add just actively ruins the experience!!

[lexsnotdead]

I absolutely loved BG1 and 2, Neverwinter Nights Hordes of the Underdark and Neverwinter Nights 2 too are among my most favourite RPGs. But Larians writing, particularly in D:OS2 turned me off so much :( How different is BG3?

big wall of text under the cut and before anything else i want to say that criticizing a game does not equal not liking it

i thought a lot about my response to this ask, since i must admit i have never played bg&bg2 and jumped straight into the hype train of bg3. and i'm genuinely curious what exactly about dos2 turned you off that much. here's what i personally think:

i played d:os1 and d:os2 and while i'm a big fan of the latter… dos1 couldn't keep me entertained even when playing with a friend in coop, which shows just how exhaustively boring and unmemorable it was. i really love dos2 and despite what i will say next, nothing is gonna change my love for this game. but. imma be honest, it was 3 and a half characters that kept me playing. i love sebille and lohse, i love malady — the mystery around her has its own appeal, but it's still a huge miss not to expand on such intriguing character as herself. i slightly care about ifan and fane, i couldn't give a lesser fuck about beast, i fucking hate the red prince and his writing is one of most unlikable from any rpg game i ever played (i can elaborate. but that's a post for another time). in short: lack of memorable characters, and those who are there have to make up in quality rather than quantity.

and larian is still... larian. their ambition makes them bite more than they can chew, you don't need to be nitpicking on purpose to notice just now empty act 3 of d:os2 was compared to fort joy or driftwood. in similar-ish way act 3 of bg3 feels less polished in terms of performance and content. like they even had to add an alternative ending to karlach's quest only after the game's release lol. there are quite a lot of bugs and players who are doing an "evil" playthrough like me found themselves deprived of content — sometimes you're just locking yourself out of quests, encounters, characters entirely because of decisions you made, quite literally making the game harder for yourself.

another important thing that i'd point out that dos2 felt kinda lacking in terms of the character creation because ocs always felt less immersive and shallow compared to the playable origins (i had the time of my life playing as lohse, tho). i know people who managed to have fun filling the blank spaces with their imagination, but i'm not one of those people, unfortunately. when i tried creating a drow character in bg3, however, every third npcs made sure to glare at me distrustfully and be fantasy racist towards the drow. like really? thanks for noticing! this might sound weird, but i liked that. it enhanced my feeling of immersion thus making it more satisfying to play. like yeees... yes... i indeed am a drow!

i'd rather stop focusing on its shortcomings because it feels unfair to larian when they are listening to the playerbase and trying their best to deliver patches as quick as possible. after all, what makes a good dnd adventure for me is always the story and characters — banal it may be, as long as it is fun, it is a good dnd game. and bg3 is very fun and addictive. there's this unique feeling when you're planning your next playthrough and considering what you would've done differently when still doing your first. i like it more compared to dos2, because... i'm not sure why myself? interpersonal interactions just feel a bit deeper, and i actually care about almost every companion, even the ones i did not expect to care about (like gale, astarion, shadowheart). and variety of the character creation, of course. and i can bet on bg3 being next the goty haha

to sum this all up:

if you like dos:2, you will like this game

if you like dnd e5, you will also like this game

if you like bg1 and bg2 then i genuinely don't know i'm sorry

[tallysgreatestfan]

What seems strange to me as a queer autistic woman is how little protests are there for disability rights. Especially autistic rights.

Like yeah, autistic people are not the exact best demographic to go to protest marches, because of sensory issues and social organizing issues and stuff, but still. We are one percent of society, there should be at least some who are so pissed off that they organize protest marches to show that they are there and that they are a force to be reckoned with?

Like, you know, there are at least five or so queer rights marches and woman rights marches where I live every year, and this are just the ones I noticed, but I never in my entire life saw one single disability march. They do exist, but apparently only extremely rarely.

Maybe it is because the disability movement is years behind every other social justice movement and even otherwise progressive, often times marginalized left leaning people are ragingly ableist very often, as fandom painfully showed me?

Maybe because autistic people are so very disenfranchised and we are trained from birth, both by abusers (=bullies at school, because yes bullying is abuse, often also relatives) and often even therapist, that its our fault, that we are the ones who need to be fixed and that we are the ones who behave wrong and that we deserve it?

Here in Germany especially, despite how much I searched, there barely even seems to be any movement for accepting autistic people at all. All autistic people I know both online and in real life either refuse to engage with their autistic identity at all and know literally nothing about it because its more comfortable, or attack other autistic people over how dare they insist society even might be a little bit at the wrong and its might be not their fault, how dare you say you are not just not trying hard enough, you are taking blame away from yourself, you are just playing the victim!

It is so frustrating. I think big protests could really help the community, if just showing just how many we are and that we are there and will fight for our rights if nothing else - but it is just not going to happen. I am so close to trying to organize protests myself, but

a) I am extremely bad at planing and organizing

b) I have next to no social media following

and I just don't want to create an "protest" that is just three people and one dog showing up.

[tiger-moran]

Actually there were 3 in a row that I didn't like so let's put the other two together.

How the Professor Taught a Lesson to the Gnoles

What I liked about it: um... I guess Moran got a very brief off-screen moment of badassery which also showed Moriarty trusted him and relied on him and valued him more than most of his employees. And Moriarty has a sword-stick. That was about it

What I didn't like about it: apparently this is a sort of mashup with a fantasy story called How Nuth Would Have Practised His Art upon the Gnoles by Lord Dunsany only I know nothing about that and had never even heard of it or him before and I had to find this information out for myself, aside from it saying 'for Dunsany and Doyle' at the start the story/author doesn't explain any of that and just seems to assume everyone knows what the hell is going on in this world already when I have no idea. It's very alienating to the reader to not understand what the hell is going on or why we've suddenly veered in some other writer's fantasy world and sorry but that's a pretty much guaranteed way to make me hate your story when you just seem to expect me to understand it without bothering to explain anything.

Anyway it's that kind of fantasy stuff I really don't like and I don't feel like the story really achieved much either. There's no treasure, the gnoles (whatever the hell gnoles are) just abduct? Kill? Eat? a lot of people and the... thing (train? Tank? Armoured personnel carrier?) that Moriarty has created disappears and Nuth doesn't find out what the Professor's motivations were. The story just feels pointless, being told from Nuth's POV when he doesn't seem to know what the hell is going on either most of the time.

Would I read it again: no

Was Moran in it: there's a moment where a bullet comes out of nowhere and kills one of the gnoles and it's from Moran 'off screen' and then he fires a couple more shots and it does suggest that Moran is a brilliant marksman and that Moriarty trusts and relies upon him which is good, but he doesn't actually appear in it.

-

The Swimming Lesson

What I liked about it: there are some comments that mostly I agree with about how evil and what is 'criminal' are basically a matter of your point of view and the context and just down to what the government says is right or wrong, and Moran calls Moriarty James once.

What I didn't like about it: most of it. It's got some of my most hated tropes/plot points - Moriarty having 'feelings' (yes those sorts of feelings) for a woman previously; Moriarty having a child (why is it always a daughter?); Moriarty being dead and this being dwelled on repeatedly; Moriarty being really close to an OC but not that close to Moran (despite Moran calling him by his first name, they don't actually seem very close). And I don't like the main character/narrator and I can't stand this sort of 'Moriarty's daughter swears vengeance for his death' stories. Also the author seems to have forgotten that according to the canon (which the main character/narrator refers to reading) Moran saw Holmes run away from the waterfall, so why does he turn up saying he's only not sure Holmes really died, he should be the first person who knows he survived?

Would I read it again: no

Was Moran in it: briefly but it's not exactly a great portrayal

[garticnebula]

TW: Heavy implications of depression, swearing and other such things. this was a stress write, so I apologise if it is more uncomfortable than anything else I have posted.

I close my eyes as I look around, sitting in my room to try and imagine my own space, how my life looks through my own eyes. Yet all I imagine is sitting down in a car at late night, I'm driving down a highway and the radio is busted, there isn't another car nor thing alive around, the only thing breaking the silence being the rain ever so softly dripping onto the top of my car, I can't see out the windows, only the front, which often gets either clouded or covered in rain, making it hard to drive, I pull my foot off the pedals yet we still go, my hand's are glued to the car, only able to turn left or right. I try and try and try to break free yet, I can never seem to do it.

I can't move, only look out the front window. It stays like this for a few hours before I hear a soft humming, coming from the back seat. Whenever I go to look at the mirror, my eyes are instantly shot back forward. I'm told no peaking, that I don't deserve to see their face, and I'm lucky they're even talking to me, and I should feel the same with everyone in my life yet, I show no emotion, or sign of conversation. The only time I'm allowed to move my hand off the wheel is to light a cigarette for him, and occasionally myself, alongside a cup of cheap coffee. The smoke is thick, and makes seeing out the window even harder. But yet I still drive aimlessly. For what reason? I can feel my hands shaking, my fingertips numb from the cold. Yet I do nothing.

All the whilst I can hear his shit eating grin, or is it a her? I never know, the voice is too monotone, yet raspy. It's so distinct yet I can't ever place my finger on it, I know I've met them, but where. Where did I meet them, Why can't I remember them

Every thought runs through my head like a train, the only thing breaking it being they're laughter, my struggle to place even a point on my questions having seemed to amuse them. They tell me if I've forgotten, it's clear they didn't matter to me as much as I had said, and that Even by forgetting their name, I already broke our promise, yet despite all this information I CAN'T REMEMBER, WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER??? IT'S JUST ONE FUCKING NAME, ONE NAME IS ALL I NEED FOR THIS TO BE OVER THEN I CAN STOP THIS FUCKING CHARADE ON MYSELF BUT NO I CANT EVER FUCKING REMEMBER AND EVERYTIME I GET CLOSE. I LOOSE IT. All I wan't to do is remember again like everyone else does. All I want is to fill a fucking promise I don't even remember, I don't care what it is, I need to fill my end.

As my hand tightens again the wheel, I try to open my eyes but they get heavier.

I'm told I can't leave without their permission, and that I don't deserve to leave, no, no that's not right, I don't deserve nor want to leave. And as much as i hate to admit it, they're right. Even if my head hurts from being here, It's nothing compared to when my eyes are open. So I keep them closed, trying oh so hard to stay here to figure out they're name.

But as soon as I get close. I wake up, on my side, I passed out, and did it as soon as I shut my eyes

A dream, a fucking dream. ALL OF THAT WAS A FUCKING DREAM YET IT'S STILL BETTER THAN THE PIECE OF SHIT WRITING I'M STUCK IN, NO RUBBER TO ERASE ANY WRONGS, NO PEN OR PAPER TO WRITE MY OWN SCRIPT, NO. NO I'M STUCK HERE, FORCED TO WATCH MY OWN STORY AS IF I'M LOOKING THROUGH SOMEONE ELSES EYES.

All I want is for my eyes to be closed, and go back to that dream. At least then, I can predict the writing, and I know the show. If I'm back there, I know the beginning, middle and end. I don't care if it hurts, it's still better than being here, stuck behind a desk with only paper and pen to be my form of answers from people that don't exist and lives I can only dream of having, problems I created in order to make the perfect bittersweet character.

It's funny. I make promises from time to time with people, and yet only four have any meaning to me, and two of them are too far gone for me to ever dream of keeping, yet I still fucking keep hope so that one day they return. And I can fix the mess I made so when they fucking leave again, the goodbye doesn't hurt. If they came back for even a fucking second, I could apologise and actually fucking mean it instead of when it where convenient for me, or when they told me I had to, at least then the goodbye wouldn't hurt so much, at least then that chapter could finally close with words, not an ugly mess of an unfilled page, at least then I could actually fucking tell them that I still love them, and still care for them but no, I had to be a fucking asshole and ruin all of it when I KNEW IT WAS PERFECT, ALL BECAUSE THE STORY GOT PREDICTABLE, SO I DECIDED TO RUIN THE ONE FUCKING THING I GOT RIGHT, AND FUCK UP THE FIRST PERSON WHO EVER CARED ABOUT ME PROPERLY.

It's funny yknow? I where surrounded by people, good people I could call friends yet I had never felt like I weren't alone around them. The only time I feel any form of true

pleasure now is when I'm writing another character, or adding onto my other ones before them, or reading and remembering the joy I felt whilst writing them.

[lastoneout]

Wanna say first that I second asking for a referral from your doctor to get a second opinion, therapists are def trained mental health professionals and they can sus out certain conditions(my therapist figured out I had OCD before my psychiatrist did), but actually assessing and diagnosing is usually left to a psychiatrist. Not to take a dig at your therapist, if she's helping you in other areas def stick with her, but actually diagnosing you with something is kinda out of her wheelhouse. And like again if there's one thing I've learned from having a lot of complicated medical problems it is NEVER a bad idea to seek out a second opinion if you don't feel like the previous doctor/ect. was right.

Additionally, I was def a "smart kid" in school despite exhibiting such textbook signs of ADHD it's genuinely incredible no one noticed, but yeah just getting good grades doesn't mean you aren't struggling in other areas. I could pay attention in class, but only so long as the class was about something I found interesting, so in classes I liked I had excellent participation, but if I didn't like the subject....it was off to daydream land. I could pass tests just fine, but I never managed to figure out studying and I barely ever did my homework, once I was home school basically vanished from my mind so I barely even remembered I had homework, and since studying was explained to me as just 'going over the class material again' I couldn't make myself do it because the info was no longer new, and thus no longer interesting. My backpack and locker and binder were always a huge mess no matter how hard I tried to keep them nice. I was a really fast reader, but that was just because I was too impatient to read slow, and I was reading ALL the time even when I shouldn't have been, which made teachers think I was smart and gifted, but I was just reading to have something to occupy my brain with, and I got in trouble for reading in class a lot.

Also despite being in gifted classes in highschool...I failed math every single year. Granted, that was in part due to my undiagnosed dyscalculia, but I hated math more than every other subject(hard to like something that makes you feel like a worthless idiot) and could NOT make myself study or do homework for it. It was like physically painful to try, so yeah, if I didn't like the subject? I flunked.

And calling back to the Jaiden video, she talks about also not thinking she had ADHD because she was smart and good at school, but a lot of that was due to her having parents who could help pick up the slack so she didn't forget things and give her a rigid structure to adhere to so she didn't have to think to hard about making herself do things. My school struggles def wouldn't have been as bad if I had parents like hers growing up, and my fiance was like her, had parents who helped and were understanding and supportive, but then when he moved away to go to college it all fell apart and he ended up dropping out because he just couldn't create that structure he needed on his own. And my brother recently got diagnosed because while he managed to graduate college with a fancy degree it was a NIGHTMARE that destroyed his mental health, he was constantly on the verge of dropping out, and he genuinely just didn't know it wasn't supposed to be that hard until he looked into ADHD and was like "oh".

So like, yeah, your therapist is misinformed, you can be a good student and still have ADHD. It isn't about how "smart" you are, it's about how hard it is for you to do the bare minimum that most other people don't really have to think about at all. Someone with ADHD who hyperfixates on history or math might not have as much trouble in school when it comes to those subjects, but crash and burn when you put them in an english or art class. Or hell, someone who is really passionate about their area of expertise might genuinely be very intelligent....but still not be able to keep their house looking presentable or show up on time to their appointments. Being smart can honestly hide ADHD, any doctor who insists intelligence is a sign you can't have ADHD doesn't really know what they're talking about.

And yeah even if you don't get diagnosed you can still ask your therapist to help you work on coping mechanisms with the things that are hard for you! A diagnosis can help a lot, but at the end of the day if you're struggling with cleaning or being late or getting things done then you can still ask your therapist for help learning to manage it.

I wish you the best of luck anon!

can I be smart while also having adhd??

lately I've seen a video about a woman who found out she has adhd (jaiden animations) and I felt like she was reading my biography haha

I've related to every single experience she said. so that tickled my brain to go after some research about adhd, to then realize I relate to, like, 90% of the symptoms and go through the same situations as diagnosed people..

but when I brought the idea that I might have adhd to my therapist (that assists me for half a year), she told me she finds super unlikely that I have it because I am smart and get really good grades...

I feel like it's unfair to eliminate that idea just because I am good at school, even though I suffer with lots and lots of other things in my every day life...

Sent July 23, 2024

Most people who have ADHD have at least normal IQ (as problematic as IQ is as a concept and an applied idea), and there are a few patterns that can indicate ADHD in someone whose overall academic performance is good. I was a gifted student, but I still showed these patterns.

1. You do better at the start of the term than the end. My first report card was always straight A’s (except Phys. Ed., which was always a C or D which is actually ludicrous now I think about it) and by the end of the year most things were a B except for my favourite subjects.

2. Your locker or desk at school is always a disaster, making it hard to be prepared for class or to find needed items (e.g., assignments, text books).

3. The usual executive dysfunction issues, meaning you’re late for class a lot, you leave assignments until the last minute, you forget about things, etc.

Talk to your therapist again, or ask your doctor for a referral to a clinician who can do an assessment. Your therapist may not be qualified to diagnose, and they obviously aren’t well-educated about ADHD.

The other part of this is that even if you don’t qualify for a formal diagnosis, you are obviously struggling or you wouldn’t have brought it up to your therapist. What I suggest there is, talk to them about the problems you’re having rather than “ADHD”. Pick the thing that’s most frustrating right now, and ask them if they can help you figure out how to deal with it. Because no matter what, you need to manage your symptoms and you probably need help to sort out how to do that.

Followers, what do you think about this? Do you have any advice to offer?

-J

[gravitycoil]

Dream of 6/20/23

I was in saw (lol) and the layout of the room was that there was a different trap to get out of/win each room you progressed the start was a pick a path type thing where if you chose the wrong path you were electrocuted (i think) there was like 10 of us and there could only be one of us left iirc I remember I was the ringmaster like, I was kind of like amanda where i helped jigsaw make traps and put people in situations but I was also playing the game myself so I knew every answer and I had to act my ass off convincing people that I’m one of them. The next room was a maze that you had to get out of but you were timed, if you didn't make it in time you just become stuck in there forever. At this point I think there’s only 5 of us and somehow someone figures out that I’m evil and up to no good so I try to eliminate all of us together doing some kind of world reset thing (????) where I typed in a computer (it wasn't terminal just some generic computer) I typed in a computer something like eliminate all entrees beyond room 2. (it was weirdly specific like that) and I sat a timer for the command to execute so, the people who believed me and were on my side still ran with me towards the end of the maze and we leave and we close the door on everyone else (the ones who were against me) so they couldn't get out and would be stuck there forever. Theres like one point where I’m like wait I have to find adam (cause for some reason hes alive and in need of saving randomly) so that becomes my new objective rather than trying to survive the next traps because they were rigged to never kill me or something like that. Eventually my command had an error in it or something and instead of everyone it started to clone myself which caused a ripple in the world and created a giant black hole that was sucking everything in with it the only way I could stop it was if I killed my clone. Eventually everyone dies except me and my clone and only one of us can get through the game and win so we start going back and fourth through the older rooms trying to bait each other into getting close enough to kill each other. Then suddenly im like oh wait I cant die but you sure as hell can. and so I just fucking go for it and pounce on my clone like a wild animal and i maybe killed them? I dont know. I never found adam or... i think i saw him for like 2 seconds Dream shift

Spiderman themed dream despite never watching anything about it but everyone who had anomalous powers all had to gather in this giant training/school building and I remember I was very respected in this building like everyone knew not to fucks with me cause I was really powerful but that also made people afraid of me and afraid to talk to me/friend me but I had 1 friend and we did everything together. I don’t exactly remember what I looked like but I know I could like. shapeshift i think. There was one point where we all were inside a gym track type thing and people were making fun of my friend and once I showed up they like pleaded with their life as if i would kill them on the spot (i mean... true but i wasnt going to) somehow me and my friend get in a fight or something and we distance each other I was mad about it (i dont even remember what happened but i was mad and irritated) but I was being so calm about it but my friend was being extra mean to me and doing almost life threatening things to me. (The building we were in was inside a giant plane btw) and we were in the air and my friend fucking shoves me outside on the plane and I have to like bear grip the wing of it cause we were going fast and also like 3025840958309483 feet above ground Im like so pissed and surprised he did this to me and eventually i get back in and he pretends that he didnt do it and that it was someone else and I wasnt buying his bs so I just call it off there I’m like this friendship is over indefinitely. And this also stirred up drama cause everyone was like circling around us and when I said that shit everyone was like O_O.... Then at one point were in some like facility room and we were assigned to find a piece of paper in this giant ass open room and I’m the one that finds it and I pick it up and I see someone really stressed like they seemed to be struggling to even stay in the school and was on the brink of a breakdown so I give the paper to them and I’m like “Here, tell them you found it” and they were like so flabbergasted but I just left after I said that and then we had like our final assignment or something and it was a race against everyone whoever made it to the end first would survive (cause apparently its life or death now and if you dont make it you just die) and it came down to me and my old friend we were like neck and neck and I push myself to my limits trying to reach out to touch the ending bell thingy and I touch it I do win but no one could tell I touched it first because we were so close that they deemed me like .2 seconds off and kill me and let my old friend win and when im dead in the afterlife like. im a ghost now, i can see everyone else just as flabbergasted as me and we all collectively decide to haunt my old friend and also the person who decided who won because something unfair was happening like I knew something cheaty was happening so all of us angerly push my old friend around and he’s like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON and literally this is all I remember other than I was home watching videos and they got progressively more fucked up and scary for some reason and I was like. ough... i hate this

dream shift

small part of a dream I remember where I just suddenly realized I was dreaming like I remember saying something like “Wait. How did I get here. I’m sleeping” and I go through the wall of my dream which put me out of bounds but I left it enough where I was put in what I call ‘The dream grid’ which is like a completely black void except theres complete perfect cube clouds in a grid format that go on for infinity in all directions and if you fall in them you go into another dream so I was dream hopping and trying to get into another dream but they kept disappearing when I got close to them they like... slowly deteriorated and so I was falling in the black void until I landed in one. I dont remember what I landed in or anything I just remember seeing the dream grid extra vividly I should draw it